April 2, 2025 • 21 mins
Freedom is possible—I'm living proof of it. After three decades of sobriety, I've discovered that the journey isn't simply about putting down the bottle. It's about confronting the pain we've been desperately trying to numb.
My relationship with alcohol began as an escape route. I drank because I couldn't sit with my reality and pain. I drank because I didn't feel safe or seen. I drank because, deep down, I believed I had no worth. What looked like a drinking problem on the surface was actually a symptom of deeper wounds that I hadn't faced. This is the harsh truth about addiction—it doesn't care about your status or background. It comes for you one drink at a time, one lie at a time.
The turning point in my recovery wasn't stopping drinking; it was starting to face everything I'd been running from. Through treatment, twelve-step programs, church community, and painfully honest self-inventory, I began dismantling what I call "the Great Wall of Tonya"—a fortress built of fear, control, and isolation that I thought protected me but actually imprisoned me. True sobriety required more than just abstinence. It demanded that I stop hiding, start connecting, lean into faith, and transform my self-perception from victim to overcomer.
Are you using alcohol to avoid facing your pain? Do you recognize the warning signs—blackouts, hidden bottles, reckless behavior, broken promises? If any of this resonates, please hear this: you're not a bad person. You're not weak. You're in pain, and that pain will always come out sideways if not addressed directly. You don't have to stay trapped in this cycle. You don't need to figure out how to stay sober for 30 years—just focus on today. Reach out to someone you trust. Take one small step toward healing. Remember that your story, even the painful chapters, can become purpose when used to help others on their own journey to freedom.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Tonya Shellnutt (00:11):
Hello, courageous Overcomers coming to
you this morning.
This is a podcast where we facethe pain and walk towards
healing.
I'm Tonya, and today I want totalk to you about my own journey
with alcohol addiction and howI stayed sober for 30 years.
Now I'm sure you're saying 30years.
(00:32):
That's a really long time, butthe reality is is that my story
isn't just about alcohol.
It's about pain.
It's about pain, it's aboutshame and it's about hiding and
fear.
So, whether you are battlingthe addiction right now or
loving someone who is, I wantyou to hear this with your heart
(00:55):
Freedom is possible, becauseI'm living proof of it.
So today I want to just kind ofget through and talk about why
people drink.
So a lot of people have amisnomer about addiction.
They think it's, you know,weakness or wild behavior.
(01:16):
But what I've learned along theway in my 30 years of sobriety
is that people drink, more oftenthan not, excessively, for a
reason, and more often than notit's about escaping pain.
Sometimes people drink toforget, to numb the emotions or
(01:39):
to quiet the noise in theirheads.
I can so relate to that.
I drank because I couldn't sitwith my reality and pain.
I drank because I didn't feelsafe.
I drank because I didn't feelseen.
I drank because deep downinside, I didn't feel like I had
any worth, and drinking gave mea false sense of control.
(02:02):
Drinking gave me a false senseof control, and then the reality
also is that alcohol is neverthe real problem.
It's just the symptom.
The real problem is the pain,and for me it was the pain that
I hadn't faced and the woundsthat I didn't know how to
identify with or name.
Some people also drink becauseof trauma.
(02:23):
We can add myself to that list.
Others drink because they feellike they have to have this
pressure to perform.
Some try to forget whathappened in their childhood.
Others feel like they have todrink just because they're tired
of not feeling good enoughabout themselves.
And the reality is thataddiction doesn't care who you
(02:47):
are.
It just comes for you, and soyou could be the richest person
in the world or the poorestperson in the world.
You see people, oftentimes onthe streets carrying their bag
with their bottle in it, and youthink, oh yeah, they're,
they're drunk.
But the reality is that manypeople are alcoholics and it
(03:08):
doesn't matter yoursocioeconomic status.
Alcohol and addiction doesn'tcare who you are.
That comes for you at one drinkat a time, one lie at a time.
So I want to talk about theturning point in my sobriety,
and it really wasn't when Istopped drinking.
(03:30):
You know, growing up in analcoholic home and I've shared
this with you guys before but wewere taught to just shove
everything under the rug and nottalk about the insanity that
was happening before our eyes.
So why wouldn't I?
When I was in pain and I wantedto hide, or I was afraid, or I
didn't feel like I was worthy,why wouldn't I drink?
(03:50):
Because that's what I saw.
So when I met Rich, I wasobviously drinking a lot and he
questioned my drinking habitsbecause he was on a sober
journey.
So he had been about two yearssober, I guess, at that time.
So he said you know, I thinkyou have a drinking problem.
(04:11):
And I thought, well, I don'treally think so.
But I actually kind of likedRich.
So I thought, well, ok.
So I went to my counselor atthe time and she's like.
I told her I said, well, myboyfriend thinks that I have a
drinking problem.
So she was like Okay, well,here's this.
You know, 20 questionassessment.
(04:34):
And you know, just answer thequestions to the best of your
ability and let's see.
So I think I think I answeredall of them but two and she's
like yeah, you definitelyprobably have a problem.
So I went to see my mom and Isaid mom, you know I was talking
(04:56):
to my counselor.
My counselor thinks I have adrinking problem.
I think I'm going to go to thelocal rehab center and just go
ask them to do an intake and seehow I can be a social drinker.
I had looked into this facilityand they had an outpatient plan
.
So I thought, well, maybe thatcould be for me.
(05:19):
So I went there and did theirwhole assessment.
My mom went with me and theyended up telling me that I
actually needed to be impatientfor 28 days.
Well, that news will kick youright in the gut because you're
like oh wait, actually maybe Iam sicker than I thought.
(05:40):
And one thing I never wanted tobe was a drunk.
I never wanted to be analcoholic.
I didn't want that label.
And so when I told Rich whatthey had said, he was like well,
if you want to have arelationship with me, you need
to be sober.
And I really liked Rich.
So I was like well, I guess Ibetter go to treatment.
(06:01):
And so what I learned when Iwent to treatment was that I had
spent all those years drinkingto numb the pain, to shove it
under the rug, pretend like itdidn't exist.
And what was happening was itwas making me sicker because I
was hiding from the pain.
I wasn't confronting it.
(06:21):
And you'll often hear me sayyou can't heal what you're not
willing to face.
And that became a reality forme, and that was my turning
point in sobriety when I startedfacing, when I started facing
the things that I didn't want to, when I started facing the
shame that I had shoved down,when I started facing the wounds
that I had tried to hide from.
(06:42):
So I dove in and I startedattending AA meetings and in AA
there's a 12 step program, ifyou know anything about it.
One of those facets of the AAplan is to get a sponsor, and so
I got a sponsor and eventuallywe got involved in church and I
(07:03):
started journaling and prayingand finding a mentor in church
and confessing and taking aninventory.
The fourth step in the AAAprogram is taking an inventory.
Some people call it writing itout ugly.
There was no filter, no fluff,just truth on paper, and I
(07:24):
started dismantling that greatWall of Tonya.
If you haven't heard me talkabout that before and you're new
to this podcast, early on wetalk about the Great Wall of
Tonya and you can go back andlisten to it.
But in essence, I was building afortress to keep everybody out
in a self-protect mode.
(07:44):
So it was brick by brick fear,bitterness, control, isolation.
For me, every brick was feltlike protection, but the reality
was it was just a prison.
And so, again, you can't healwhat you're not willing to face,
and so are you.
Are you too, you know, ignoringthe pain that you're going
(08:07):
through?
Are you also building the greatwall of protection, thinking
that you're protecting yourselffrom harm and hurt?
So let me ask you somethingwhat are you using alcohol to
avoid?
When I was drinking, my friendswould say to me when we would
(08:28):
go out, they'd say Tanya, don'tdrink so much, because when I
would drink I would get out ofcontrol.
So are people questioning youwhen you're drinking?
You know we don't, we don't, Ididn't realize how out of
control I was, and oftentimes,when you're drinking, you don't
realize out-of-control drinking,look like, even when we're
(08:53):
telling ourselves it's not thatbad.
So let me give you someexamples.
You say mean things that youcan't take back.
You lash out at people you love.
You spill your innermostsecrets to people who do not
deserve to hear that truth.
You're promiscuous.
You hook up with people youwould never choose sober.
(09:15):
You ignore red flags.
You wake up in regret andsometimes you don't remember
what happened.
And I'm telling you right nowthat's a huge red flag.
That was one of the things forme.
I would often block out and Ihave friends currently who I
love with all my heart.
(09:35):
They're my childhood friendswho are engaging in some of
these behaviors and they don'tremember some of the atrocities
that they are doing.
And at some point you've got tolook at.
Am I blacking out?
Am I remembering what'shappening?
Here's another thing you drivehome because you think you're
(09:57):
fine.
Drinking and driving isabsolutely a no-no and your
thinking is impaired.
So you think you're okay, butyou're not, and it just takes
that one time to kill somebody.
You risk the lives of othersand you don't realize it.
Here's another question for you,or another statement of what
happens when your drinkingescalates and you're not aware
(10:21):
of it.
You pick fights, you get angryat the world, you throw things.
You blame everybody else foryour pain.
You say stupid stuff, you makecomments and you're just.
You're a bully.
You have no filter, so you blowmoney like it's nothing.
You cover bar tabs yeah go,we're going to pay for everybody
(10:42):
.
Have a beer.
You order stuff when you'redrunk online.
You gamble when no one'swatching.
You lie to yourself, yourfamily, your kids.
You hide bottles.
You minimize, you say it's justone.
Does any of that sound familiarto you?
I tell you a story aboutsomebody that I'm familiar with,
(11:04):
who is an incrediblyintelligent person.
Very, very, very intelligent,had a lot of potential ahead of
them and they just got into thispattern of you know, I don't
know enough to know why theydrink so much, or they hide from
(11:27):
their pain, but they haveliterally gone from being an
active person in society tobecoming a recluse, and all they
do is drink.
They don't even take care ofthemselves anymore.
You question them about theirdrinking, they get angry and
upset.
(11:47):
They can't walk.
They're just very, very ill,and it's all because this person
is hiding from something.
Now, I don't know what it isthat.
They're just very, very ill andit's all because this person is
hiding from something.
Now I don't know what it isthat they're hiding from, but
they're hiding from something.
And so I tell you that storybecause I don't want that to be
you, I don't want that to beyour legacy, because you can't
(12:10):
kick the alcohol.
And it's not because you'reweak, it's because, honestly,
you're, you just can't drinkalcohol.
I mean, you're just you're, youcan't have it because it makes
you do stupid stuff.
You have no control over it.
One isn't enough for you,you've got to have more.
And even then I want to saythis there are some people that
(12:33):
can literally just go have onedrink and be fine, but then they
go out and then they end uphaving more and drink a whole
lot, and then in theirdrunkenness they become out of
control.
You've got to be careful.
Don't try to justify in yourbrain oh I can just have one
here, but then over here youhave so many that you get out of
(12:54):
control.
So for me, the real problem wasthat I had pain that I hadn't
faced and I had grief that Ididn't name and trauma that I
was afraid to look at.
And so if you're listeningright now and any of that hits
home, I just want to remind youagain that you're not a bad
person, you're not weak.
I just want to remind you againthat you're not a bad person,
you're not weak and you're inpain, and the pain will always
(13:17):
come out sideways if we don'tdeal with it directly.
So being sober it isn't justabout not drinking, it's about
learning a whole new way to live.
You know, people have been ableto stay dry and not drink, but
their behavior and theirthinking doesn't change and they
(13:41):
never do the inner work ofhealing.
And we call those people drydrunks, right.
You know, my adoptive dad wentthrough periods where he had to
go to treatment and he would goto treatment and be the dry
drunk, but he wouldn't face thepain that he was having or
whatever those triggers werethat were causing him to
(14:04):
continue to drink, and so hewould always relapse.
He would relapse, relapse,relapse.
He'd go get sober for workbecause he had to, and then he'd
go to treatment and he'd begood for a year, six to, and
then he'd go to treatment andhe'd be good for a year, six
months and then he'd startdrinking again.
And so you know, it really goesto digging deep and looking at
(14:25):
those hard things.
You had to stop.
I had to stop hiding andisolating.
I had to connect and I had tostart leaning into my faith and
I had to quit seeing myself as avictim and start living like an
overcomer.
Because, I'll be honest,willpower alone didn't save me.
(14:45):
God did.
I didn't get sober on gritalone.
I got sober because God keptfinding me.
He never left.
He never left me and you know,even when I was drinking, by the
grace of God, I didn't killanybody.
I didn't do anything completelyreckless because I did drive
(15:07):
drunk.
I'm not going to lie, I did dothat.
I did a lot of things Ishouldn't have done and so, but
God never left me and faith gaveme something that kept me going
and kept me wanting to be sober.
Because I didn't want to passthis down to my kids, I didn't
(15:28):
want them to see me as analcoholic, like what I grew up
with.
I didn't want my legacy to bethat I was a reckless, careless
drunk.
That doesn't mean that I stilldidn't have some negative
behaviors that I didn't workthrough and I wasn't perfect by
any stretch as a parent.
(15:48):
But the one thing I didn't wantis for my kids to see me drunk
and to see me out of controllike that and I can say I'm very
thankful that my husband and Inever my kids never got to see
that part of me, and so thatlegacy of you know well, why are
(16:08):
you still sober?
That's what keeps me going is,again, like I said, I don't want
my family or my kids to see medrink and to see me like that.
I know myself enough to knowthat I can't ever have a drink
of alcohol before again, ever,and I know that about myself.
So I have to make sure that Iput myself in situations where
(16:30):
I'm not tempted to do that.
You know, in my work, in myprofessional capacity, I attend
a lot of events where alcohol ispresent, and I just know that I
have to.
If I start to feeluncomfortable, I have to leave
Like I can't stay there.
You know I get uncomfortablewhen people are drunk because it
reminds me of my growing up.
(16:52):
It reminds me of my growing up.
I can smell alcohol on peoplelike it's nobody's business.
I wish I couldn't, but ifyou've ever grown up in an
alcoholic home and you had analcoholic in your life, it's a
smell that never, ever, evergoes away, and so I have to just
be very careful that I don'tput myself in positions where
(17:15):
I'm triggered, and I know thatif I pick up a drink it's life
or death and I can't do it and Ithink part of my sobriety
success, if you will and I don'teven want to call it success, I
don't like to call it that, Ijust want to call it a way of
life for me is because I haveseen what happens when you put
(17:38):
pain to purpose.
And what has happened to meisn't necessarily for me, it's
for the people in my sphere,it's for you guys, it's for the
listeners, it's for the peoplethat I've counseled, it's for
everybody else to know that youdon't have to live in the pain
(18:01):
and the suffering of alcoholism.
And so, if you're listeningright now and you're in the
middle of the fight, maybeyou're drinking too much, maybe
you're hiding from the truth,maybe you feel like it's too
late, I've lost everything.
It's too late.
I want to encourage you to knowthis it's not too late.
(18:23):
You're not too broken andyou're not too far gone.
You don't have to figure outhow to stay sober for 30 years.
Just figure out how, today, tosay yes to today and face the
pain.
Talk to someone, take a smallstep of bravery and reach out to
somebody that you trust, andthen ask yourself, as you work
(18:46):
on this sobriety journey, whoneeds your story?
Because freedom isn't justabout getting out, it's about
going back and helping someoneelse through it.
You know anything about the AAmodel and the success of AA,
even in the 12 steps.
It's about getting out ofyourself, and when you get out
(19:09):
of yourself and realize thatthere are other people out there
that are hurting just as muchas you are, it really helps.
You see, yes, your problems arereal and, yes, you need to face
them, but there's somebody elsethat has it worse.
And again, I'm not asking youto minimize what you're going
(19:29):
through, but I'm saying do youwant your legacy to be one of
I'm a victim, I can't overcomethis challenge and you want your
family and your kids toremember on your deathbed that
you were the drunk who couldn'tface the pain, who couldn't quit
the drinking, or do you wantthem to see you and remember you
(19:52):
as a courageous overcomer?
So if this episode hits home,please share it and text it to
somebody who needs it.
I can think of at least fivepeople in my sphere right now
that need to hear this message.
Post it to a recovery group.
Make sure you subscribe toCourageous Overcomers, and you
(20:14):
can go to our website atwwwTonyaShellnuttcom.
Learn more about us.
You can leave a message and wewill get back to you.
Stay tuned.
We have a great guest coming inin the next couple weeks who
has actually experienced some ofthe struggles of alcohol, and I
think that you'll be reallyexcited to hear what she has to
(20:37):
say.
So I hope everyone has a greatweek.
Remember, you can't heal whatyou're not willing to face.
Speaker 1 (20:47):
Thank you for joining us here on Courageous
Overcomers with Tonya Shellnutt.
Please remember to follow, likeand share this podcast.
To find out more about Tonya,go to her website at
tonyashellnutt.
com, or to ask a question aboutanything you've heard on today's
show.
Leave us a five-star review andyour message or email at tonya
(21:11):
at tonyashellnutt.
com.
Remember that'sS-H-E-L-L-N-U-T-T.
This podcast is produced by BobSlone Audio Productions.
Hello, courageous Overcomers coming to
you this morning.
This is a podcast where we facethe pain and walk towards
healing.
I'm Tonya, and today I want totalk to you about my own journey
with alcohol addiction and howI stayed sober for 30 years.
Now I'm sure you're saying 30years.
(00:32):
That's a really long time, butthe reality is is that my story
isn't just about alcohol.
It's about pain.
It's about pain, it's aboutshame and it's about hiding and
fear.
So, whether you are battlingthe addiction right now or
loving someone who is, I wantyou to hear this with your heart
(00:55):
Freedom is possible, becauseI'm living proof of it.
So today I want to just kind ofget through and talk about why
people drink.
So a lot of people have amisnomer about addiction.
They think it's, you know,weakness or wild behavior.
(01:16):
But what I've learned along theway in my 30 years of sobriety
is that people drink, more oftenthan not, excessively, for a
reason, and more often than notit's about escaping pain.
Sometimes people drink toforget, to numb the emotions or
(01:39):
to quiet the noise in theirheads.
I can so relate to that.
I drank because I couldn't sitwith my reality and pain.
I drank because I didn't feelsafe.
I drank because I didn't feelseen.
I drank because deep downinside, I didn't feel like I had
any worth, and drinking gave mea false sense of control.
(02:02):
Drinking gave me a false senseof control, and then the reality
also is that alcohol is neverthe real problem.
It's just the symptom.
The real problem is the pain,and for me it was the pain that
I hadn't faced and the woundsthat I didn't know how to
identify with or name.
Some people also drink becauseof trauma.
(02:23):
We can add myself to that list.
Others drink because they feellike they have to have this
pressure to perform.
Some try to forget whathappened in their childhood.
Others feel like they have todrink just because they're tired
of not feeling good enoughabout themselves.
And the reality is thataddiction doesn't care who you
(02:47):
are.
It just comes for you, and soyou could be the richest person
in the world or the poorestperson in the world.
You see people, oftentimes onthe streets carrying their bag
with their bottle in it, and youthink, oh yeah, they're,
they're drunk.
But the reality is that manypeople are alcoholics and it
(03:08):
doesn't matter yoursocioeconomic status.
Alcohol and addiction doesn'tcare who you are.
That comes for you at one drinkat a time, one lie at a time.
So I want to talk about theturning point in my sobriety,
and it really wasn't when Istopped drinking.
(03:30):
You know, growing up in analcoholic home and I've shared
this with you guys before but wewere taught to just shove
everything under the rug and nottalk about the insanity that
was happening before our eyes.
So why wouldn't I?
When I was in pain and I wantedto hide, or I was afraid, or I
didn't feel like I was worthy,why wouldn't I drink?
(03:50):
Because that's what I saw.
So when I met Rich, I wasobviously drinking a lot and he
questioned my drinking habitsbecause he was on a sober
journey.
So he had been about two yearssober, I guess, at that time.
So he said you know, I thinkyou have a drinking problem.
(04:11):
And I thought, well, I don'treally think so.
But I actually kind of likedRich.
So I thought, well, ok.
So I went to my counselor atthe time and she's like.
I told her I said, well, myboyfriend thinks that I have a
drinking problem.
So she was like Okay, well,here's this.
You know, 20 questionassessment.
(04:34):
And you know, just answer thequestions to the best of your
ability and let's see.
So I think I think I answeredall of them but two and she's
like yeah, you definitelyprobably have a problem.
So I went to see my mom and Isaid mom, you know I was talking
(04:56):
to my counselor.
My counselor thinks I have adrinking problem.
I think I'm going to go to thelocal rehab center and just go
ask them to do an intake and seehow I can be a social drinker.
I had looked into this facilityand they had an outpatient plan
.
So I thought, well, maybe thatcould be for me.
(05:19):
So I went there and did theirwhole assessment.
My mom went with me and theyended up telling me that I
actually needed to be impatientfor 28 days.
Well, that news will kick youright in the gut because you're
like oh wait, actually maybe Iam sicker than I thought.
(05:40):
And one thing I never wanted tobe was a drunk.
I never wanted to be analcoholic.
I didn't want that label.
And so when I told Rich whatthey had said, he was like well,
if you want to have arelationship with me, you need
to be sober.
And I really liked Rich.
So I was like well, I guess Ibetter go to treatment.
(06:01):
And so what I learned when Iwent to treatment was that I had
spent all those years drinkingto numb the pain, to shove it
under the rug, pretend like itdidn't exist.
And what was happening was itwas making me sicker because I
was hiding from the pain.
I wasn't confronting it.
(06:21):
And you'll often hear me sayyou can't heal what you're not
willing to face.
And that became a reality forme, and that was my turning
point in sobriety when I startedfacing, when I started facing
the things that I didn't want to, when I started facing the
shame that I had shoved down,when I started facing the wounds
that I had tried to hide from.
(06:42):
So I dove in and I startedattending AA meetings and in AA
there's a 12 step program, ifyou know anything about it.
One of those facets of the AAplan is to get a sponsor, and so
I got a sponsor and eventuallywe got involved in church and I
(07:03):
started journaling and prayingand finding a mentor in church
and confessing and taking aninventory.
The fourth step in the AAAprogram is taking an inventory.
Some people call it writing itout ugly.
There was no filter, no fluff,just truth on paper, and I
(07:24):
started dismantling that greatWall of Tonya.
If you haven't heard me talkabout that before and you're new
to this podcast, early on wetalk about the Great Wall of
Tonya and you can go back andlisten to it.
But in essence, I was building afortress to keep everybody out
in a self-protect mode.
(07:44):
So it was brick by brick fear,bitterness, control, isolation.
For me, every brick was feltlike protection, but the reality
was it was just a prison.
And so, again, you can't healwhat you're not willing to face,
and so are you.
Are you too, you know, ignoringthe pain that you're going
(08:07):
through?
Are you also building the greatwall of protection, thinking
that you're protecting yourselffrom harm and hurt?
So let me ask you somethingwhat are you using alcohol to
avoid?
When I was drinking, my friendswould say to me when we would
(08:28):
go out, they'd say Tanya, don'tdrink so much, because when I
would drink I would get out ofcontrol.
So are people questioning youwhen you're drinking?
You know we don't, we don't, Ididn't realize how out of
control I was, and oftentimes,when you're drinking, you don't
realize out-of-control drinking,look like, even when we're
(08:53):
telling ourselves it's not thatbad.
So let me give you someexamples.
You say mean things that youcan't take back.
You lash out at people you love.
You spill your innermostsecrets to people who do not
deserve to hear that truth.
You're promiscuous.
You hook up with people youwould never choose sober.
(09:15):
You ignore red flags.
You wake up in regret andsometimes you don't remember
what happened.
And I'm telling you right nowthat's a huge red flag.
That was one of the things forme.
I would often block out and Ihave friends currently who I
love with all my heart.
(09:35):
They're my childhood friendswho are engaging in some of
these behaviors and they don'tremember some of the atrocities
that they are doing.
And at some point you've got tolook at.
Am I blacking out?
Am I remembering what'shappening?
Here's another thing you drivehome because you think you're
(09:57):
fine.
Drinking and driving isabsolutely a no-no and your
thinking is impaired.
So you think you're okay, butyou're not, and it just takes
that one time to kill somebody.
You risk the lives of othersand you don't realize it.
Here's another question for you,or another statement of what
happens when your drinkingescalates and you're not aware
(10:21):
of it.
You pick fights, you get angryat the world, you throw things.
You blame everybody else foryour pain.
You say stupid stuff, you makecomments and you're just.
You're a bully.
You have no filter, so you blowmoney like it's nothing.
You cover bar tabs yeah go,we're going to pay for everybody
(10:42):
.
Have a beer.
You order stuff when you'redrunk online.
You gamble when no one'swatching.
You lie to yourself, yourfamily, your kids.
You hide bottles.
You minimize, you say it's justone.
Does any of that sound familiarto you?
I tell you a story aboutsomebody that I'm familiar with,
(11:04):
who is an incrediblyintelligent person.
Very, very, very intelligent,had a lot of potential ahead of
them and they just got into thispattern of you know, I don't
know enough to know why theydrink so much, or they hide from
(11:27):
their pain, but they haveliterally gone from being an
active person in society tobecoming a recluse, and all they
do is drink.
They don't even take care ofthemselves anymore.
You question them about theirdrinking, they get angry and
upset.
(11:47):
They can't walk.
They're just very, very ill,and it's all because this person
is hiding from something.
Now, I don't know what it isthat.
They're just very, very ill andit's all because this person is
hiding from something.
Now I don't know what it isthat they're hiding from, but
they're hiding from something.
And so I tell you that storybecause I don't want that to be
you, I don't want that to beyour legacy, because you can't
(12:10):
kick the alcohol.
And it's not because you'reweak, it's because, honestly,
you're, you just can't drinkalcohol.
I mean, you're just you're, youcan't have it because it makes
you do stupid stuff.
You have no control over it.
One isn't enough for you,you've got to have more.
And even then I want to saythis there are some people that
(12:33):
can literally just go have onedrink and be fine, but then they
go out and then they end uphaving more and drink a whole
lot, and then in theirdrunkenness they become out of
control.
You've got to be careful.
Don't try to justify in yourbrain oh I can just have one
here, but then over here youhave so many that you get out of
(12:54):
control.
So for me, the real problem wasthat I had pain that I hadn't
faced and I had grief that Ididn't name and trauma that I
was afraid to look at.
And so if you're listeningright now and any of that hits
home, I just want to remind youagain that you're not a bad
person, you're not weak.
I just want to remind you againthat you're not a bad person,
you're not weak and you're inpain, and the pain will always
(13:17):
come out sideways if we don'tdeal with it directly.
So being sober it isn't justabout not drinking, it's about
learning a whole new way to live.
You know, people have been ableto stay dry and not drink, but
their behavior and theirthinking doesn't change and they
(13:41):
never do the inner work ofhealing.
And we call those people drydrunks, right.
You know, my adoptive dad wentthrough periods where he had to
go to treatment and he would goto treatment and be the dry
drunk, but he wouldn't face thepain that he was having or
whatever those triggers werethat were causing him to
(14:04):
continue to drink, and so hewould always relapse.
He would relapse, relapse,relapse.
He'd go get sober for workbecause he had to, and then he'd
go to treatment and he'd begood for a year, six to, and
then he'd go to treatment andhe'd be good for a year, six
months and then he'd startdrinking again.
And so you know, it really goesto digging deep and looking at
(14:25):
those hard things.
You had to stop.
I had to stop hiding andisolating.
I had to connect and I had tostart leaning into my faith and
I had to quit seeing myself as avictim and start living like an
overcomer.
Because, I'll be honest,willpower alone didn't save me.
(14:45):
God did.
I didn't get sober on gritalone.
I got sober because God keptfinding me.
He never left.
He never left me and you know,even when I was drinking, by the
grace of God, I didn't killanybody.
I didn't do anything completelyreckless because I did drive
(15:07):
drunk.
I'm not going to lie, I did dothat.
I did a lot of things Ishouldn't have done and so, but
God never left me and faith gaveme something that kept me going
and kept me wanting to be sober.
Because I didn't want to passthis down to my kids, I didn't
(15:28):
want them to see me as analcoholic, like what I grew up
with.
I didn't want my legacy to bethat I was a reckless, careless
drunk.
That doesn't mean that I stilldidn't have some negative
behaviors that I didn't workthrough and I wasn't perfect by
any stretch as a parent.
(15:48):
But the one thing I didn't wantis for my kids to see me drunk
and to see me out of controllike that and I can say I'm very
thankful that my husband and Inever my kids never got to see
that part of me, and so thatlegacy of you know well, why are
(16:08):
you still sober?
That's what keeps me going is,again, like I said, I don't want
my family or my kids to see medrink and to see me like that.
I know myself enough to knowthat I can't ever have a drink
of alcohol before again, ever,and I know that about myself.
So I have to make sure that Iput myself in situations where
(16:30):
I'm not tempted to do that.
You know, in my work, in myprofessional capacity, I attend
a lot of events where alcohol ispresent, and I just know that I
have to.
If I start to feeluncomfortable, I have to leave
Like I can't stay there.
You know I get uncomfortablewhen people are drunk because it
reminds me of my growing up.
(16:52):
It reminds me of my growing up.
I can smell alcohol on peoplelike it's nobody's business.
I wish I couldn't, but ifyou've ever grown up in an
alcoholic home and you had analcoholic in your life, it's a
smell that never, ever, evergoes away, and so I have to just
be very careful that I don'tput myself in positions where
(17:15):
I'm triggered, and I know thatif I pick up a drink it's life
or death and I can't do it and Ithink part of my sobriety
success, if you will and I don'teven want to call it success, I
don't like to call it that, Ijust want to call it a way of
life for me is because I haveseen what happens when you put
(17:38):
pain to purpose.
And what has happened to meisn't necessarily for me, it's
for the people in my sphere,it's for you guys, it's for the
listeners, it's for the peoplethat I've counseled, it's for
everybody else to know that youdon't have to live in the pain
(18:01):
and the suffering of alcoholism.
And so, if you're listeningright now and you're in the
middle of the fight, maybeyou're drinking too much, maybe
you're hiding from the truth,maybe you feel like it's too
late, I've lost everything.
It's too late.
I want to encourage you to knowthis it's not too late.
(18:23):
You're not too broken andyou're not too far gone.
You don't have to figure outhow to stay sober for 30 years.
Just figure out how, today, tosay yes to today and face the
pain.
Talk to someone, take a smallstep of bravery and reach out to
somebody that you trust, andthen ask yourself, as you work
(18:46):
on this sobriety journey, whoneeds your story?
Because freedom isn't justabout getting out, it's about
going back and helping someoneelse through it.
You know anything about the AAmodel and the success of AA,
even in the 12 steps.
It's about getting out ofyourself, and when you get out
(19:09):
of yourself and realize thatthere are other people out there
that are hurting just as muchas you are, it really helps.
You see, yes, your problems arereal and, yes, you need to face
them, but there's somebody elsethat has it worse.
And again, I'm not asking youto minimize what you're going
(19:29):
through, but I'm saying do youwant your legacy to be one of
I'm a victim, I can't overcomethis challenge and you want your
family and your kids toremember on your deathbed that
you were the drunk who couldn'tface the pain, who couldn't quit
the drinking, or do you wantthem to see you and remember you
(19:52):
as a courageous overcomer?
So if this episode hits home,please share it and text it to
somebody who needs it.
I can think of at least fivepeople in my sphere right now
that need to hear this message.
Post it to a recovery group.
Make sure you subscribe toCourageous Overcomers, and you
(20:14):
can go to our website atwwwTonyaShellnuttcom.
Learn more about us.
You can leave a message and wewill get back to you.
Stay tuned.
We have a great guest coming inin the next couple weeks who
has actually experienced some ofthe struggles of alcohol, and I
think that you'll be reallyexcited to hear what she has to
(20:37):
say.
So I hope everyone has a greatweek.
Remember, you can't heal whatyou're not willing to face.
Speaker 1 (20:47):
Thank you for joining us here on Courageous
Overcomers with Tonya Shellnutt.
Please remember to follow, likeand share this podcast.
To find out more about Tonya,go to her website at
tonyashellnutt.
com, or to ask a question aboutanything you've heard on today's
show.
Leave us a five-star review andyour message or email at tonya
(21:11):
at tonyashellnutt.
com.
Remember that'sS-H-E-L-L-N-U-T-T.
This podcast is produced by BobSlone Audio Productions.
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