January 1, 2025 • 23 mins
Ever wondered how courage can be the key to dismantling the emotional walls we build around ourselves? Discover how courage can lead you to vulnerability and strength in our latest episode of Courageous Overcomer Stories of Hope and Healing. Join me, Tonya Shellnutt, as I share my personal journey of overcoming barriers that once shielded me from pain but also kept genuine connections at bay. We explore the necessity of facing unresolved traumas and the fear of rejection, all while striving for authentic relationships. This isn't just a story of hardship; it's an essential road map to growth and healing, showing how embracing discomfort can ultimately enrich your life.
In this episode, we also tackle how courage can be a transformative force in moving past self-doubt and the victim mentality. By sharing pivotal moments from my own recovery, you'll learn how taking responsibility for our actions can free us from the shackles of negative thinking and avoidance. Dive into the power of courage to fuel belief in positive change and resilience, encouraging us to dismantle emotional walls. Through faith and intentional choices, we can unlock doors to deeper relationships and personal growth. Don't miss this opportunity to hear how courage can guide you through complex emotional landscapes toward a more fulfilling life.
Stay Connected:
- Website: https://www.tonyashellnutt.com/
- Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/tonyashellnutt/
- Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/tonyashellnut
- Twitter: https://x.com/tonyashellnutt
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Tonya Shellnutt (00:13):
Welcome to Courageous Overcomer Stories of
Hope and Healing.
I'm your host, tonya Shelinutt.
Here we talk about the hardstuff trauma, fear and pain but
we don't stop there.
We also talk about courage,resilience and pain, but we
don't stop there.
We also talk about courage,resilience and the hope of a
brighter tomorrow.
Every episode is filled withreal stories, practical tools
(00:34):
and faith-filled encouragementto help you rise above your
challenges and step into thelife God has designed for you.
Let's be honest many of us hidefrom our pain because it's just
too hard to face.
But here's the truth we can'theal what we're not willing to
face.
Thank you to all of you whohave sent me words of
(00:55):
encouragement about how thispodcast has helped you.
I can't tell you enough howmuch it helps me to keep leaning
into the hard stuff.
The last couple weeks we talkedabout building the emotional
wall for what we perceive asself-protection.
I built the great wall of Tanya, as I shared with you all, to
keep others out because I wasafraid they would hurt me.
(01:16):
But what I didn't realize isthat when I built that wall, I
also kept good things out.
So this week I want to diveinto what is needed to tear down
the walls.
What do you think is one of thefirst things required to begin
to break down the wall?
It is not dynamite, that'd beeasier, but it's not.
It's actually courage.
(01:37):
And I went and looked up thedefinition of courage because I
think words are fascinating andthis is what the definition of
courage said it is thewillingness to face pain, danger
and uncertainty in spite offear.
Another person, who is anauthor unknown, said this
courage isn't the absence offear, but it's how you handle
(02:01):
the fear.
So, breaking through theseemotional walls and if you want
to know what we were talkingabout emotional walls and what
that looks like, go back to acouple weeks ago where we broke
it down as to why people buildemotional walls, what it does to
you, and then last week we hadRich on to share what it's like
(02:22):
to live with someone withemotional walls.
But you can go back and listento that episode and what we talk
about in that regard.
So breaking through these wallsrequire courage, because courage
demands that we face fears anduncertainties and
vulnerabilities head on.
It goes back to that sayingit's hard, but you can't heal
(02:44):
what you don't face.
So let's talk through today whycourage is essential.
So courage when we're talkingabout breaking down walls, okay.
Courage helps us to bevulnerable.
Emotional walls are built toshield us from being hurt,
rejected or judged.
Breaking them down means thatwe have to allow ourselves to be
(03:07):
seen and risk being exposed topain.
This vulnerability can beterrifying, but courage helps us
embrace it as a step towardhealing.
I kept my past trauma and hurtmyself for many years because I
was afraid of what people wouldthink of me, but talking about
it helped me heal and I learnedwhen I was sharing with others
(03:29):
that I wasn't alone.
Vulnerability, also overself-protection, means facing
fears, letting go of control andnot allowing oneself to be seen
and understood.
So vulnerability is extremelyhard.
But that's why having thecourage to be vulnerable is so
(03:50):
important.
And I want to say this you haveto find someone who you can be
safe with to be vulnerable.
You don't just go share withanybody.
You have to find that personthat you can trust, that you can
go to, whether it be acounselor, a pastor, a friend,
somebody that you can share with.
(04:10):
And again, I just want toclarify you don't just go share
with anybody.
It's got to be somebody thatyou trust, because how they
respond is going to be importantto you, and I want to say too
there might be times when youshare with someone and their
response isn't at all what youthought it would be.
Don't let it discourage youfrom being vulnerable, because
(04:33):
vulnerability is vital tohealing.
The second thing that couragedoes is it helps you confront
pain.
Awareness is essential.
A couple weeks ago, we talkedabout being aware of the pain.
That's one of the steps in the12-step program in Celebrate
Recovery and any kind ofcounseling is being aware of
(04:56):
your trauma, your issues and sothe wall.
Often when you build thatemotional wall, it often masks
unresolved pain from pastexperiences, because you can
just shove it under the rug andpretend like it's not there.
But the reality is is that itis and it will continue to
fester and grow, and you can,you know, live in this la la
(05:19):
land of thinking that you'veshoved it under the rug and so
it's going to just magically goaway.
But I'm here to tell you thatis not true.
That doesn't happen.
It may be a temporary fix, butyou will have sideways behaviors
like no other if you do that.
So tearing it down meansrevisiting those wounds and
(05:40):
allowing yourself to processemotions you've tried to avoid.
I get it, I know it's painful.
Nobody likes to go back andrevisit the wounds, and even I
mean, I'm 30 years into thisrecovery, right, and I still
still struggle with my mind andthe wounds and you know,
(06:00):
reliving them and going okay.
Why is this coming up?
What is happening in my lifethat's causing me to, you know,
think like this, and so you'vegot to visit it and do that
inventory.
The other thing that couragedoes when you're confronting the
pain is it provides youstrength to face the discomfort
instead of running from it Again.
(06:22):
Courage is about leaning intothe difficulties and facing the
fear, and I think so many people, so so many people even from
like my experiences andcounseling and such they just
quit because it's too painfuland that's not what is going to
help you in the end.
You can't quit, you have tokeep going, you have to lean
(06:46):
into it.
The third thing that couragedoes is that it helps you risk
rejection.
By letting others in, we openourselves to the possibility of
rejection or betrayal, butcourage enables us to take that
risk, trusting that the rewardof genuine connection is worth
the chance of being hurt again.
(07:06):
This is a very difficult one.
Last week Rich shared about how,when I was building my walls, I
always had that tough girlpersona and you know you can't
get in never allowing myself myguard down.
And that was because I wasafraid of rejection.
(07:28):
I was afraid that you know,rich was going to reject me.
I was afraid of abandonmentbecause of my birth father left.
You know all of those fearsjust they creep up, they come up
, and so I had to put let myguard down and put the emotional
walls aside and let Rich in.
(07:49):
And he showed I'm not leaving,I'm not going to hurt you, I'm
here for the long haul.
And so I think when you're awounded person, there's a lot of
obviously trust issues andwe'll talk about that at a later
date obviously trust issues,and we'll talk about that at a
later date.
But courage helps you lean intothat and possibly face
(08:09):
rejection.
But the reality is is that Godsees you and he knows you and he
created you and he's not goingto reject you.
The fourth thing that courageallows you to do is to step into
the unknown.
Living without the wall canfeel uncomfortable, because it
has.
As I said in earlier episodes,we build the wall as means of
(08:35):
self-protection, and the realityis is that again, it's
perceived safety.
It's not real, and so I justwant to encourage you to be
courageous and lean into theunknown.
It helps empower us to navigatethe uncertainty and trust that
a life without emotionalbarriers is more fulfilling.
(08:56):
You will never know that if youdon't courageously step into
the unknown.
If you're so worried all thetime about what will happen here
, what will happen there, andbecause you've been operating in
this self-protection mode again, you keep all these good things
(09:18):
out because you're not taking achance, and so I want to
encourage you to lean into theuncertainty of life instead of
trying to always dictateoutcomes.
That's a whole nother episodeon controlling, but today we're
talking about courage.
So the fifth one that couragehelps you break the sinking
(09:42):
thinking cycle.
Emotional walls are often builton beliefs like I'm not worthy
of love or I can't trust anyone.
I actually spent a lifetime ina cycle of performance-based
acceptance.
I have always been one whoworks extremely hard because I
want to be accepted.
I've always thought that inorder to be loved or accepted, I
(10:03):
had to be the best ateverything.
I had to be good.
I have to be good enough.
If I would just do this goodenough or that good enough, then
I would be loved.
And I can remember growing up Iwas very much into sports
softball particularly, andbasketball and my adoptive dad
hardly ever came to my games,hardly ever.
(10:26):
I can count on maybe one handthe times that he came and when
he would come, instead of sayingafter the game, and I always
just wanted him to tell me howgood I came and when he would
come, instead of saying afterthe game, and I always just
wanted him to tell me how good Idid.
And I can always remember whenhe was there, I was like, okay,
I'm going to perform so goodthat he's finally going to love
me.
And I can remember after acouple times, a couple games
(10:49):
that he came to, it was always,well, you should have done this
different or you should havedone that different.
It wasn't oh, you did a greatjob here, you know, followed up
with whatever the criticism was,it was always just you should
have done this better.
And so I'm not saying thathaving a good work ethic isn't
important it is.
(11:09):
But I have always identified myworth based on my performance.
And that is what is bad,because the reality is is that
my worth isn't in my performance, my worth isn't in my works.
My worth is in Jesus and inChrist.
That's where my worth is, and Ican say this has been one of
(11:32):
the hardest areas for me to leaninto and be courageous, because
it's easier to go back to thosestinking thinking of I'm not
good enough, or I should do this, because what it does is it
gives you again a false out.
Right, I put that in air quotes, you can't see me do that, but
I did that.
(11:52):
It gives you an out because youtell yourself you're not good
enough and then you don't haveto try, or you don't have to be
disappointed, or whatever itmight be.
And so courage helps you breakthrough the stinking thinking
cycle by changing the thoughtpatterns, and I'm a work in
(12:12):
progress on this one.
So I welcome any suggestions onthis because, again, I'm a work
in progress on this one.
So I welcome any suggestions onthis because, again, I'm still
working on it.
So there is that.
The next one is courage helpsyou take responsibility.
It's easier to blame externalcircumstances for our pain and
isolation, but dismantling thatwall requires us to own our part
(12:37):
in building it.
So courage helps us takeresponsibility and make
intentional choices to heal andgrow.
In the first few years of myrecovery, I spent a lot of time
blaming others.
I can remember and again, youknow I'm sure everybody goes
through this but I was intreatment and I shared the story
about how I had to go totreatment for 28 days because I
(12:59):
was sicker than I thought and Ispent really that whole time in
treatment spending a lot of timeblaming others instead of
looking at my part.
Now, some of the things thathappened to me were beyond my
control and there was nothing Icould do about it, but there
were the things that I did havea part in that I could have
(13:23):
looked at, but I still chose toblame.
And I can remember duringfamily week you know, they bring
you, they bring your familiesin for you to have like family
therapy.
And I can remember reallycoming down hard on my mom and
my adoptive dad and blaming themfor a lot.
(13:43):
And I know to this day that myadoptive dad was still very
angry at me for that moment intime, but I didn't know any
better.
And I will also say, withouttrying to get choked up, that my
mom didn't live much longerafter that when she died in that
(14:06):
motorcycle accident, and so Ididn't get to go back and say,
hey, mom, I know you did thebest that you could and I'm so
sorry for my part, I didn't getto do that, and so that's again
a whole, nother episode that wecan spend some time on.
But I'll say this is that whenyou can look at what your part
(14:31):
is and what you've done, at whatyour part is and what you've
done, regardless of whathappened to you, it helps you
heal, because when you're alwaysblaming everybody else, then
you never look at yourself.
You never.
You're looking at everybodyelse and everything that they
did to you and all of theexpectations that you have for
(14:53):
them that they're not followingthrough with it keeps you in
that negative pattern.
And yeah, it takes a lot ofcourage to look at your part,
because it is so much easier toblame people than it is to go OK
, this is what I need to bedoing, and so I want to
encourage you on this one.
(15:13):
I want to actually encourageyou on all of them, but this one
, I think, takes a tremendousamount of courage because, again
, nobody wants to look at theirpart.
They would rather blame and,honestly, this is the area that,
if you don't look at yourself,this keeps you in the cycle of
victimhood and we're going toagain talk about this at a later
(15:37):
date.
But staying a victim isn'thelpful to you or to anybody,
and so I just want to encourageyou to look at whatever part you
have, whether it's big or small, and acknowledge it.
And you know, in the situationswhere there was nothing you can
do about it, like what happenedto me when I was five, you know
(15:58):
, I just have to get to a point,and I have had to get to a
point where I've just had tohave God to get to a point, and
I have had to get to a pointwhere I've just I had to have
God take it, because obviouslythere wasn't anything I could do
in that moment.
It did help me shape how Iparented.
It did help me shape in me inmy professional career.
It does help me shape how Ihelp people, and so I'm using it
(16:21):
for good.
And that, I think, is on thesituations where it's beyond our
control.
We have a choice we can let itconsume us or we can use it for
good, and that's what I'mchoosing to do.
The other thing that couragedoes, number seven, is that it
helps you to believe in change.
It takes courage to believethat life can be different and
(16:43):
better.
Choosing to break down the wallis an act of hope and faith and
a better future.
It's extremely difficult whenyou're in that negative pattern
of thinking well, this is allI've got, this is all that is
going to.
You know, I'm just destined fordisappointment and heartbreak
for the rest of my life, and fordisappointment and heartbreak
for the rest of my life, andthat's really not what God has
(17:07):
in store for you.
And so it takes courage to breakdown that component of your
wall.
It's the first step indismantling the emotional wall,
because it's what propels us totake action despite fear.
Change.
It doesn't mean we aren'tscared.
It means we're willing to moveforward anyway, trusting that
healing and connection are worththe effort.
(17:29):
So every brick removed buildsresilience and it opens the door
to deeper relationships andself-discovery.
And I share that with you asthe one who did build the wall,
as the one who did shut peopleout and it negatively impacted
my relationships, and you can goback to last week's and learn
(17:53):
about that.
But it takes courage to be ableto believe that there is a
better life out there for you.
You've just got to lean into it.
I will also say that courage isthe foundational behavior that
all other actions are built upon, creating a life defined by
courage rather than living infear and isolation.
(18:17):
Because I would say that, youknow, I think as parents.
I think probably also because Ilost my mom at a young age.
I often think about well, if Idied today, what would others
think about me and what would mylegacy be?
And I don't ever want anyone tothink of me as someone who is
(18:39):
afraid and hid from hard things,because it's those hard things
that produce the character and,in the long run, we're teaching
our kids, we're teaching thosepeople around us that you don't
have to be defined by the hardthings of life.
You can be defined by beingfaith-filled and courageous.
(19:03):
You know, mackenzie, my oldestdaughter, has a hearing
impairment and Isabel had aseizure disorder and had to be
in special ed when she wasyounger, and my son, ashton, had
a speech impediment and Ididn't let them and they'll tell
you this, I didn't let them bedefined by those physical
(19:24):
ailments that they had.
It was part of life and we haveto embrace it and we have to
figure out how we're going tocontinue to live in spite of it.
And I'm so proud of thembecause they have overcome
tremendous challenges as aresult of not taking on the
mindset as this is I'm going tobe deaf for life or I'm going to
(19:46):
have, you know, seizuredisorder for the rest of my life
, and those are things that youknow again, yes, they have.
Mackenzie has the physicalhearing loss.
Izzy, by the grace of God, hasovercome her seizure disorder,
but they didn't let those thingsdefine them.
Now, are there insecurities thatstill surround that?
(20:07):
Absolutely there are, but thereality is is that I want people
to live life courageously, andthat is why I created this
podcast is to inspire others tonot live in fear and not live in
isolation, because it's theworst place that you can be in
those moments of aloneness,honestly.
(20:29):
So this week we talked aboutthese seven areas, and I'd just
like you to take some time andidentify an area that you think
you need some work.
Of those seven, mine isdefinitely changing those belief
patterns.
I still have to work on thatand I'm going to continue to do
that, probably till the day Idie is breaking those stinking
(20:51):
thinking cycles.
So I want to encourage you totake a look and see you know
which one do you need to work onand then take the action.
Don't just go oh, I need towork on this, and then do
nothing.
Just go, oh, I need to work onthis, and then do nothing.
Take the action and actuallylean into it and do it, because
you never know what will happenif you don't.
(21:13):
So I want to thank you so muchfor joining us today.
I want this place to be a placewhere listeners feel inspired to
be real, raw and authenticabout their struggles.
If my story resonates with you,know that you're not alone.
I want to encourage you tosubscribe to Courageous
Overcomers and join ourcommunity.
Leave us a five-star reviewthat helps us get hope out
(21:36):
faster, or share this episodewith someone who might need
encouragement.
Today, I had one listener shareit with a family member and I
can't tell you some.
I can't share what happened,but it was some really exciting
information that helped theirfamily member work through some
really big difficulties as aresult.
(21:56):
And so, again, you just don'tever know, maybe there's someone
you know that is reallystruggling and they just need to
be encouraged.
So share this with them.
Also, if you have any questions, please email me at tonya, at
tonyashellnuttcom.
I'd love to know what you'restruggling with and maybe give
me some tips on how to workthrough that stinking thinking,
(22:18):
and then maybe we can highlightthe issue on a future podcast
Tune in next Wednesday, sametime, same place, and let's
start the new year outright andcourageously.
Face the pain.
Thank you for joining us here onCourageous Overcomers with
Tonya Shellnutt.
Please remember to follow, likeand share this podcast.
To find out more about Tonya,go to her website at
(22:41):
tonyashellnuttcom, or to ask aquestion about anything you've
heard on today's show.
Leave us a five-star review andyour message or email at tonya
at tonyashellnutt.
com.
Remember that'ss-h-e-l-l-n-u-t-t.
This podcast is produced by BobSlone audio productions.
Welcome to Courageous Overcomer Stories of
Hope and Healing.
I'm your host, tonya Shelinutt.
Here we talk about the hardstuff trauma, fear and pain but
we don't stop there.
We also talk about courage,resilience and pain, but we
don't stop there.
We also talk about courage,resilience and the hope of a
brighter tomorrow.
Every episode is filled withreal stories, practical tools
(00:34):
and faith-filled encouragementto help you rise above your
challenges and step into thelife God has designed for you.
Let's be honest many of us hidefrom our pain because it's just
too hard to face.
But here's the truth we can'theal what we're not willing to
face.
Thank you to all of you whohave sent me words of
(00:55):
encouragement about how thispodcast has helped you.
I can't tell you enough howmuch it helps me to keep leaning
into the hard stuff.
The last couple weeks we talkedabout building the emotional
wall for what we perceive asself-protection.
I built the great wall of Tanya, as I shared with you all, to
keep others out because I wasafraid they would hurt me.
(01:16):
But what I didn't realize isthat when I built that wall, I
also kept good things out.
So this week I want to diveinto what is needed to tear down
the walls.
What do you think is one of thefirst things required to begin
to break down the wall?
It is not dynamite, that'd beeasier, but it's not.
It's actually courage.
(01:37):
And I went and looked up thedefinition of courage because I
think words are fascinating andthis is what the definition of
courage said it is thewillingness to face pain, danger
and uncertainty in spite offear.
Another person, who is anauthor unknown, said this
courage isn't the absence offear, but it's how you handle
(02:01):
the fear.
So, breaking through theseemotional walls and if you want
to know what we were talkingabout emotional walls and what
that looks like, go back to acouple weeks ago where we broke
it down as to why people buildemotional walls, what it does to
you, and then last week we hadRich on to share what it's like
(02:22):
to live with someone withemotional walls.
But you can go back and listento that episode and what we talk
about in that regard.
So breaking through these wallsrequire courage, because courage
demands that we face fears anduncertainties and
vulnerabilities head on.
It goes back to that sayingit's hard, but you can't heal
(02:44):
what you don't face.
So let's talk through today whycourage is essential.
So courage when we're talkingabout breaking down walls, okay.
Courage helps us to bevulnerable.
Emotional walls are built toshield us from being hurt,
rejected or judged.
Breaking them down means thatwe have to allow ourselves to be
(03:07):
seen and risk being exposed topain.
This vulnerability can beterrifying, but courage helps us
embrace it as a step towardhealing.
I kept my past trauma and hurtmyself for many years because I
was afraid of what people wouldthink of me, but talking about
it helped me heal and I learnedwhen I was sharing with others
(03:29):
that I wasn't alone.
Vulnerability, also overself-protection, means facing
fears, letting go of control andnot allowing oneself to be seen
and understood.
So vulnerability is extremelyhard.
But that's why having thecourage to be vulnerable is so
(03:50):
important.
And I want to say this you haveto find someone who you can be
safe with to be vulnerable.
You don't just go share withanybody.
You have to find that personthat you can trust, that you can
go to, whether it be acounselor, a pastor, a friend,
somebody that you can share with.
(04:10):
And again, I just want toclarify you don't just go share
with anybody.
It's got to be somebody thatyou trust, because how they
respond is going to be importantto you, and I want to say too
there might be times when youshare with someone and their
response isn't at all what youthought it would be.
Don't let it discourage youfrom being vulnerable, because
(04:33):
vulnerability is vital tohealing.
The second thing that couragedoes is it helps you confront
pain.
Awareness is essential.
A couple weeks ago, we talkedabout being aware of the pain.
That's one of the steps in the12-step program in Celebrate
Recovery and any kind ofcounseling is being aware of
(04:56):
your trauma, your issues and sothe wall.
Often when you build thatemotional wall, it often masks
unresolved pain from pastexperiences, because you can
just shove it under the rug andpretend like it's not there.
But the reality is is that itis and it will continue to
fester and grow, and you can,you know, live in this la la
(05:19):
land of thinking that you'veshoved it under the rug and so
it's going to just magically goaway.
But I'm here to tell you thatis not true.
That doesn't happen.
It may be a temporary fix, butyou will have sideways behaviors
like no other if you do that.
So tearing it down meansrevisiting those wounds and
(05:40):
allowing yourself to processemotions you've tried to avoid.
I get it, I know it's painful.
Nobody likes to go back andrevisit the wounds, and even I
mean, I'm 30 years into thisrecovery, right, and I still
still struggle with my mind andthe wounds and you know,
(06:00):
reliving them and going okay.
Why is this coming up?
What is happening in my lifethat's causing me to, you know,
think like this, and so you'vegot to visit it and do that
inventory.
The other thing that couragedoes when you're confronting the
pain is it provides youstrength to face the discomfort
instead of running from it Again.
(06:22):
Courage is about leaning intothe difficulties and facing the
fear, and I think so many people, so so many people even from
like my experiences andcounseling and such they just
quit because it's too painfuland that's not what is going to
help you in the end.
You can't quit, you have tokeep going, you have to lean
(06:46):
into it.
The third thing that couragedoes is that it helps you risk
rejection.
By letting others in, we openourselves to the possibility of
rejection or betrayal, butcourage enables us to take that
risk, trusting that the rewardof genuine connection is worth
the chance of being hurt again.
(07:06):
This is a very difficult one.
Last week Rich shared about how,when I was building my walls, I
always had that tough girlpersona and you know you can't
get in never allowing myself myguard down.
And that was because I wasafraid of rejection.
(07:28):
I was afraid that you know,rich was going to reject me.
I was afraid of abandonmentbecause of my birth father left.
You know all of those fearsjust they creep up, they come up
, and so I had to put let myguard down and put the emotional
walls aside and let Rich in.
(07:49):
And he showed I'm not leaving,I'm not going to hurt you, I'm
here for the long haul.
And so I think when you're awounded person, there's a lot of
obviously trust issues andwe'll talk about that at a later
date obviously trust issues,and we'll talk about that at a
later date.
But courage helps you lean intothat and possibly face
(08:09):
rejection.
But the reality is is that Godsees you and he knows you and he
created you and he's not goingto reject you.
The fourth thing that courageallows you to do is to step into
the unknown.
Living without the wall canfeel uncomfortable, because it
has.
As I said in earlier episodes,we build the wall as means of
(08:35):
self-protection, and the realityis is that again, it's
perceived safety.
It's not real, and so I justwant to encourage you to be
courageous and lean into theunknown.
It helps empower us to navigatethe uncertainty and trust that
a life without emotionalbarriers is more fulfilling.
(08:56):
You will never know that if youdon't courageously step into
the unknown.
If you're so worried all thetime about what will happen here
, what will happen there, andbecause you've been operating in
this self-protection mode again, you keep all these good things
(09:18):
out because you're not taking achance, and so I want to
encourage you to lean into theuncertainty of life instead of
trying to always dictateoutcomes.
That's a whole nother episodeon controlling, but today we're
talking about courage.
So the fifth one that couragehelps you break the sinking
(09:42):
thinking cycle.
Emotional walls are often builton beliefs like I'm not worthy
of love or I can't trust anyone.
I actually spent a lifetime ina cycle of performance-based
acceptance.
I have always been one whoworks extremely hard because I
want to be accepted.
I've always thought that inorder to be loved or accepted, I
(10:03):
had to be the best ateverything.
I had to be good.
I have to be good enough.
If I would just do this goodenough or that good enough, then
I would be loved.
And I can remember growing up Iwas very much into sports
softball particularly, andbasketball and my adoptive dad
hardly ever came to my games,hardly ever.
(10:26):
I can count on maybe one handthe times that he came and when
he would come, instead of sayingafter the game, and I always
just wanted him to tell me howgood I came and when he would
come, instead of saying afterthe game, and I always just
wanted him to tell me how good Idid.
And I can always remember whenhe was there, I was like, okay,
I'm going to perform so goodthat he's finally going to love
me.
And I can remember after acouple times, a couple games
(10:49):
that he came to, it was always,well, you should have done this
different or you should havedone that different.
It wasn't oh, you did a greatjob here, you know, followed up
with whatever the criticism was,it was always just you should
have done this better.
And so I'm not saying thathaving a good work ethic isn't
important it is.
(11:09):
But I have always identified myworth based on my performance.
And that is what is bad,because the reality is is that
my worth isn't in my performance, my worth isn't in my works.
My worth is in Jesus and inChrist.
That's where my worth is, and Ican say this has been one of
(11:32):
the hardest areas for me to leaninto and be courageous, because
it's easier to go back to thosestinking thinking of I'm not
good enough, or I should do this, because what it does is it
gives you again a false out.
Right, I put that in air quotes, you can't see me do that, but
I did that.
(11:52):
It gives you an out because youtell yourself you're not good
enough and then you don't haveto try, or you don't have to be
disappointed, or whatever itmight be.
And so courage helps you breakthrough the stinking thinking
cycle by changing the thoughtpatterns, and I'm a work in
(12:12):
progress on this one.
So I welcome any suggestions onthis because, again, I'm a work
in progress on this one.
So I welcome any suggestions onthis because, again, I'm still
working on it.
So there is that.
The next one is courage helpsyou take responsibility.
It's easier to blame externalcircumstances for our pain and
isolation, but dismantling thatwall requires us to own our part
(12:37):
in building it.
So courage helps us takeresponsibility and make
intentional choices to heal andgrow.
In the first few years of myrecovery, I spent a lot of time
blaming others.
I can remember and again, youknow I'm sure everybody goes
through this but I was intreatment and I shared the story
about how I had to go totreatment for 28 days because I
(12:59):
was sicker than I thought and Ispent really that whole time in
treatment spending a lot of timeblaming others instead of
looking at my part.
Now, some of the things thathappened to me were beyond my
control and there was nothing Icould do about it, but there
were the things that I did havea part in that I could have
(13:23):
looked at, but I still chose toblame.
And I can remember duringfamily week you know, they bring
you, they bring your familiesin for you to have like family
therapy.
And I can remember reallycoming down hard on my mom and
my adoptive dad and blaming themfor a lot.
(13:43):
And I know to this day that myadoptive dad was still very
angry at me for that moment intime, but I didn't know any
better.
And I will also say, withouttrying to get choked up, that my
mom didn't live much longerafter that when she died in that
(14:06):
motorcycle accident, and so Ididn't get to go back and say,
hey, mom, I know you did thebest that you could and I'm so
sorry for my part, I didn't getto do that, and so that's again
a whole, nother episode that wecan spend some time on.
But I'll say this is that whenyou can look at what your part
(14:31):
is and what you've done, at whatyour part is and what you've
done, regardless of whathappened to you, it helps you
heal, because when you're alwaysblaming everybody else, then
you never look at yourself.
You never.
You're looking at everybodyelse and everything that they
did to you and all of theexpectations that you have for
(14:53):
them that they're not followingthrough with it keeps you in
that negative pattern.
And yeah, it takes a lot ofcourage to look at your part,
because it is so much easier toblame people than it is to go OK
, this is what I need to bedoing, and so I want to
encourage you on this one.
(15:13):
I want to actually encourageyou on all of them, but this one
, I think, takes a tremendousamount of courage because, again
, nobody wants to look at theirpart.
They would rather blame and,honestly, this is the area that,
if you don't look at yourself,this keeps you in the cycle of
victimhood and we're going toagain talk about this at a later
(15:37):
date.
But staying a victim isn'thelpful to you or to anybody,
and so I just want to encourageyou to look at whatever part you
have, whether it's big or small, and acknowledge it.
And you know, in the situationswhere there was nothing you can
do about it, like what happenedto me when I was five, you know
(15:58):
, I just have to get to a point,and I have had to get to a
point where I've just had tohave God to get to a point, and
I have had to get to a pointwhere I've just I had to have
God take it, because obviouslythere wasn't anything I could do
in that moment.
It did help me shape how Iparented.
It did help me shape in me inmy professional career.
It does help me shape how Ihelp people, and so I'm using it
(16:21):
for good.
And that, I think, is on thesituations where it's beyond our
control.
We have a choice we can let itconsume us or we can use it for
good, and that's what I'mchoosing to do.
The other thing that couragedoes, number seven, is that it
helps you to believe in change.
It takes courage to believethat life can be different and
(16:43):
better.
Choosing to break down the wallis an act of hope and faith and
a better future.
It's extremely difficult whenyou're in that negative pattern
of thinking well, this is allI've got, this is all that is
going to.
You know, I'm just destined fordisappointment and heartbreak
for the rest of my life, and fordisappointment and heartbreak
for the rest of my life, andthat's really not what God has
(17:07):
in store for you.
And so it takes courage to breakdown that component of your
wall.
It's the first step indismantling the emotional wall,
because it's what propels us totake action despite fear.
Change.
It doesn't mean we aren'tscared.
It means we're willing to moveforward anyway, trusting that
healing and connection are worththe effort.
(17:29):
So every brick removed buildsresilience and it opens the door
to deeper relationships andself-discovery.
And I share that with you asthe one who did build the wall,
as the one who did shut peopleout and it negatively impacted
my relationships, and you can goback to last week's and learn
(17:53):
about that.
But it takes courage to be ableto believe that there is a
better life out there for you.
You've just got to lean into it.
I will also say that courage isthe foundational behavior that
all other actions are built upon, creating a life defined by
courage rather than living infear and isolation.
(18:17):
Because I would say that, youknow, I think as parents.
I think probably also because Ilost my mom at a young age.
I often think about well, if Idied today, what would others
think about me and what would mylegacy be?
And I don't ever want anyone tothink of me as someone who is
(18:39):
afraid and hid from hard things,because it's those hard things
that produce the character and,in the long run, we're teaching
our kids, we're teaching thosepeople around us that you don't
have to be defined by the hardthings of life.
You can be defined by beingfaith-filled and courageous.
(19:03):
You know, mackenzie, my oldestdaughter, has a hearing
impairment and Isabel had aseizure disorder and had to be
in special ed when she wasyounger, and my son, ashton, had
a speech impediment and Ididn't let them and they'll tell
you this, I didn't let them bedefined by those physical
(19:24):
ailments that they had.
It was part of life and we haveto embrace it and we have to
figure out how we're going tocontinue to live in spite of it.
And I'm so proud of thembecause they have overcome
tremendous challenges as aresult of not taking on the
mindset as this is I'm going tobe deaf for life or I'm going to
(19:46):
have, you know, seizuredisorder for the rest of my life
, and those are things that youknow again, yes, they have.
Mackenzie has the physicalhearing loss.
Izzy, by the grace of God, hasovercome her seizure disorder,
but they didn't let those thingsdefine them.
Now, are there insecurities thatstill surround that?
(20:07):
Absolutely there are, but thereality is is that I want people
to live life courageously, andthat is why I created this
podcast is to inspire others tonot live in fear and not live in
isolation, because it's theworst place that you can be in
those moments of aloneness,honestly.
(20:29):
So this week we talked aboutthese seven areas, and I'd just
like you to take some time andidentify an area that you think
you need some work.
Of those seven, mine isdefinitely changing those belief
patterns.
I still have to work on thatand I'm going to continue to do
that, probably till the day Idie is breaking those stinking
(20:51):
thinking cycles.
So I want to encourage you totake a look and see you know
which one do you need to work onand then take the action.
Don't just go oh, I need towork on this, and then do
nothing.
Just go, oh, I need to work onthis, and then do nothing.
Take the action and actuallylean into it and do it, because
you never know what will happenif you don't.
(21:13):
So I want to thank you so muchfor joining us today.
I want this place to be a placewhere listeners feel inspired to
be real, raw and authenticabout their struggles.
If my story resonates with you,know that you're not alone.
I want to encourage you tosubscribe to Courageous
Overcomers and join ourcommunity.
Leave us a five-star reviewthat helps us get hope out
(21:36):
faster, or share this episodewith someone who might need
encouragement.
Today, I had one listener shareit with a family member and I
can't tell you some.
I can't share what happened,but it was some really exciting
information that helped theirfamily member work through some
really big difficulties as aresult.
(21:56):
And so, again, you just don'tever know, maybe there's someone
you know that is reallystruggling and they just need to
be encouraged.
So share this with them.
Also, if you have any questions, please email me at tonya, at
tonyashellnuttcom.
I'd love to know what you'restruggling with and maybe give
me some tips on how to workthrough that stinking thinking,
(22:18):
and then maybe we can highlightthe issue on a future podcast
Tune in next Wednesday, sametime, same place, and let's
start the new year outright andcourageously.
Face the pain.
Thank you for joining us here onCourageous Overcomers with
Tonya Shellnutt.
Please remember to follow, likeand share this podcast.
To find out more about Tonya,go to her website at
(22:41):
tonyashellnuttcom, or to ask aquestion about anything you've
heard on today's show.
Leave us a five-star review andyour message or email at tonya
at tonyashellnutt.
com.
Remember that'ss-h-e-l-l-n-u-t-t.
This podcast is produced by BobSlone audio productions.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!