Boundaries, Exes, and the Courage to Walk Away

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Ever feel like you're dating a toddler instead of an adult? That's why we created Dating Daycare—to help you navigate through the jungle of jerks who simply refuse to grow up. 

This week, I'm diving solo into a fishbowl question that will have you nodding in recognition or thanking your lucky stars. A listener shares her five-year nightmare with a partner who maintains suspiciously close ties with his ex, sneaks away on trips with a married woman in Florida, and hides her existence on social media—all while she wonders if she should be warning these other women about him.

Let me be clear: boundaries aren't suggestions—they're requirements. Unless children are involved, there's rarely a legitimate reason to stay in touch with an ex. And those red flags you spotted six months in? They only get worse, never better. Living in constant fight-or-flight mode, wondering where he is, who he's with, and when he'll call isn't romance—it's emotional torture.

The hard truth many resist? You cannot make someone meet your needs if they're unwilling or incapable. No amount of trying harder, looking better, or giving more will transform a dismissive avoidant into an attentive partner. As I explain, "The lion is the lion"—people show you who they are, and it's up to you to either accept it or walk away.

Basic relationship necessities like consistent communication, quality time, respect, and feeling prioritized aren't "too much" to ask for. They're the foundation of healthy connections. This summer, make "boundaries" your mantra and remember: your needs are valid, and the right partner will meet them naturally, not grudgingly.

Ready to stop settling for crumbs when you deserve the whole bakery? Follow us on social media, send us your questions, and join us next time as we continue helping adults navigate the childish behavior that plagues modern dating.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:07):
Welcome to Dating Daycare, where we help you
navigate through the jungle ofjerks, and today we have a great
episode for you.
We have a fishbowl.
I keep seeing we my co-hostisn't here today, allison, so
it's more like I.
I have a great episode for youtoday.
I'm on my own and we are liveon TikTok, so if you are just
joining us, please follow us.

(00:29):
We help you navigate throughthe jungle of jerks, which is so
important during the summer.
Right, everybody's outside withCardi B's new song, which I
love her.
I love some of her songs,others I don't like, but anyway.
So today we are doing afishbowl.
If you're not familiar, we havea fishbowl full of questions
that I print out from realpeople with real questions from

(00:51):
social media.
I read it and I help you answerthe question.
Hopefully there are questionsyou relate to or that you're
going through.
You could always write us onDating Daycare Podcast.
We would be more than happy toanswer any of your dating
questions.
Also, we always go on TikTokLive while we're in studio.

(01:12):
That way, you could joinHealthy Chef.
One is my TikTok and you canchat with me live on that also.
Okay, let's see what we gottoday.
Okay, I'm going to read it andthen I'm going to help this
person answer it.
My man really takes the cake.
You, lady, are you ladies readyfor this?

(01:34):
Please tell me what you think Ishould do.
We have been together foralmost five years.
Throughout the relationship hehas kept in touch with his ex
and remained close to her.
I was okay with it, because Itoo have an ex I need to remain
in contact with.
But now it seems like they arehanging out and doing couple

(01:58):
things.
Meanwhile he is talking to somemarried woman in Florida and
sneaking away on trips to go seeher without me knowing, also
talking it up with others thathe has been caught with.
He is a narcissist.
I'm honestly done being made afool of.
But how should I handle all ofthis?

(02:20):
Do I contact these chicks andlet them know I exist because he
hides me on social media?
I can't with the shit I put upwith, okay.
So, first and foremost, I'mglad that you recognize that
you're putting up with shit.
That's you know.
First, the first thing I thinkwe all have to do is realize
that we're unhappy and realizethat we're putting up with a

(02:43):
whole bunch of bullshit.
Okay, you're with this guy forfive years.
I have to believe that therewere tons, tons of red flags
before this five-year mark.
I'm going to say after sixmonths everybody shows the red

(03:04):
flags that are only going to getworse.
They are not going to getbetter if there are any red
flags right.
So throughout this relationshipit says he kept in touch with
his ex.
That is, unless the man haschildren with the ex, there is
absolutely no reason for him tokeep in touch with them.

(03:27):
Now listen, I know this is verybroad when I say keep in touch.
So I'm going to go down therabbit hole because I know I'm
going to get people that say oh,ton of my ex-boyfriends.

(03:50):
They are friends on Facebook.
Do I go out and see them?
No.
Do I meet them out for dinner?
No.
Do I message them all the timeor call them on the telephone?
No, them all the time.
Or call them on the telephone?
No.
Once in a blue moon will theycomment on a post and say hi,
how are you doing?
Absolutely, and I'll say great,how are you and your kids and

(04:11):
your wife?
And it's done.
That is very different from aman that is keeping touch with
an ex that has no children, notie, but they're just really
their best friends with them.
Now, absolute red flag.
Don't do it.
It's a bunch of bullshit.
Now, let's go on.

(04:33):
Now.
It says that she didn't mindthis because she too has an ex
that I need to remain in contactwith.
Now, if you're saying you needto remain in contact with him
because he's your kid's dad,then I agree with that.
There is no other reason whyyou need to keep in touch with
an ex.

(04:53):
When I'm done with you, Idelete your phone number out of
my phone.
That's how, like Now, thisguy's cheating.
He's a narcissist.
He's going away with women andsneaking around on vacation with
them.
Listen to me, listen to me.
You need.

(05:14):
We just discussed this.
This is going to come up inalmost every fishbowl until all
of you listen and I make yousick of me.
Okay, sick of me, you're goingto be.
Boundaries, ladies and gentlemen.
Boundaries, ladies andgentlemen, boundaries.
Forget about the respectfulboundaries, such as constant

(05:35):
communication, not disappearing,not going on vacation with
anybody except you.
If you're the girlfriend Now,if you're casually dating, you
have no right to any of theseclaims, pretty much.
But if you're headed toexclusivity or the man wants to
be exclusive with you.
These are basic necessities inrelationships that keep them

(06:01):
healthy, happy and secureConstant communication, seeing
the person and spending qualitytime together.
Respect, it's not thatdifficult.
He's giving you none of it.
It's time to leave Now.
How do you leave?

(06:22):
You turn around.
You don't need to contact,listen, you're not.
You know the soothsaver comingto you know, coming to protect
all these other women that theman that's treating you bad, to
save them from the horror show.
This is not your job.
Right, I know it may give yousome closure and it may make you

(06:43):
feel better.
You don't need to contact allthese women.
I always say when my ex finds anew girlfriend, god bless her.
I'm not contacting her andtelling them how bad he treated
me and what kind of bullshit hepulls on.
Let her find out.
God bless her.
Let her waste the years like Ihad to waste the years I've

(07:05):
lived, I've learned, and theminute I see those things come
up in the next human, I run forthe hills.
Right, you don't repeat thesame mistakes twice.
You don't need to do anything.
You need to turn to this man.
You need to turn around and saylisten to me, my needs are far
from being met.
This isn't working for me.
I think it's best that we partways and you need to delete his

(07:28):
number, delete his social mediaand you need to give him back
five years.
You could be living with him,his shit's at your house.
You need to give him back whathe has.
You need a clean cut and, likeI said, best way to do it is so
you can't call him, because thenlate at night or you're
drinking or something, you'refeeling lonely or you're like
sad or you're missing them.

(07:49):
You go to give them a call,delete it all and then you need
to rebalance your nervous system.
There is not one person that hasbeen through what this girl is
describing, who has a safe andsecure and, you know, nice and

(08:12):
what would you call it?
Just relaxed nervous system.
This has to have her on edge 24hours a day.
She has to be in like fight orflight constantly.
You know, like that rumble inyour stomach, that like hole in
your chest, that like when is hegoing to call?
What is he going to do?
What is he going to say?

(08:33):
Is he going away this weekend?
Is he cheating on me?
I mean, who can live like that?
That is not a productiverelationship.
That's a bunch of bullshit.
Okay, so you need to get out ofit.
You need to say my needs arefar from being met.
Not only are my needs not beingmet, but you don't even hold
the qualities for a secure, easy, productive relationship and

(09:00):
you need to get out.
You need to go on to start overand you need to look for the
next guy that's going to meetyour needs.
You're not going to make thisguy meet your needs.
I say that all the time too.
You are not going to make a guycall you.
You are not going to make a guybecome more responsible with
communication.
Sex is not going to.

(09:20):
You know, I'll be blatant here,but a lot of women also say to
themselves oh my God, if I justyou know looked better in bed,
or if I looked better naked, orif my hair was longer, because
he likes long hair, if I suckedhis dick better, or if I, then
he would.
And it's a bunch of bullshit.
No, we won't.
No, we won't, because if hewanted to, he would from the

(09:42):
beginning.
And I you know what I hate thesaying if he wanted to, he would
.
If he was capable of, he would.
If you take some of thoseattachment style men.
I forget which one it is.
This is Allison's forte, notmine, but we have a episode on
it, so please go back and lookat it.

(10:03):
It goes through all of them.
I think it's like the avoidant,dismissive avoidant, something
like that.
You take a man that's adismissive avoidant.
You're never changing thatwithout therapy.
You could suck his dick allnight long and you know, look
like me naked.
I look pretty damn good naked,and that's not going to make

(10:25):
that change the man at all.
Ever, ever.
So the lion is the lion.
Ladies, let them show you whatthey're capable of, and then you
either deal with it or walkaway.
That is my answer today.
Remember, for the summer,boundaries, boundaries,
boundaries, and don't letanybody tell you you're being

(10:48):
mean, you're being too much,you're being too needy, you're
this, you're that.
Your needs are your needs, andthere is a man out there that
will be more than happy to meetyour needs, believe me, as long
as they're not insanely crazy.
Constant communication, make mefeel loved, make time for me,

(11:09):
plan great dates, spend timewith me, make me feel a priority
, make me feel special these areall basics of a healthy
relationship, both ways from youto them and from them to you,
and if you're just giving it tothem and they're not giving it
to you, you need to walk away.
Let the next woman fight thatwar.
You don't need to fight thatwar.
That's supposed to comenaturally.

(11:31):
That's it.
So hopefully this was helpfuland we will see you next time.
If you have any questions,please write us.
On Dating Daycare.
We have a Facebook, we have apodcast website.
We I have my tiktok healthyshelf one, so you're welcome to
write in your questions.
We want to hear them.

(11:52):
For the summer, we want to knowwhat is going out there.
What is going on?
What's going on out there?
What are you guys doing?
What's what are the dick of theweeks?
I would love for somebody elseto have a dick of the week
besides me.
Come on, help me out.
All right, we will see you soonand thank you for joining us on
Dating Daycare.
Bye-bye.