Dating a Hermit: When His Trauma Becomes Your Problem

Send us a text

How do you know when someone's emotional baggage is too heavy to carry? In this raw and honest fishbowl episode, I tackle a listener question about dating a detective who's seen the darkest sides of humanity and struggles with severe self-esteem issues. After reading her story about a man who isolates himself, has been repeatedly cheated on, and whose mother is already calling her to "cheer him up," I break down why this relationship dynamic is fundamentally unbalanced.

The most revealing moment comes when I discuss what I call the "Bob the Builder Syndrome" - that dangerous tendency to believe we can fix damaged partners through patience and love. I explain why relationships should start from a position of mutual emotional stability rather than one person constantly working to elevate the other. "Why do you want to start at the bottom of the ladder and slowly be patient and work your way up?" becomes the central question that every listener should consider in their own dating lives.

What makes this discussion particularly valuable is the clear-eyed assessment of where to invest your emotional energy. While there's compassion for the detective's trauma, I emphasize that professionals exist to help with those issues - not potential romantic partners. Whether you're currently in a relationship with someone who needs "fixing" or you're afraid you might be repeating patterns of choosing damaged partners, this episode provides the tough love reminder that you deserve to start on equal footing with someone who brings their whole, healthy self to the table.

Have you ever found yourself trying to "fix" someone you're dating? Take a moment to reflect on where that impulse comes from and whether it's serving your happiness in the long run. Share your thoughts or experiences, and remember to subscribe for more unfiltered dating advice that cuts through the nonsense.

Join our private Facebook group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/771136888074777

Follow Melissa on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/missjayl/
Follow Melissa on TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@healthychef1
Follow Allison on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/paperdolllface/

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:06):
Welcome to Dating Daycare, where we help you
navigate the jungle of jerks.
Ladies and gentlemen, it isyour lucky day because I am solo
today doing a fishbowl episode.
For those of you that don'tknow, fishbowls are great, so
welcome.
Welcome For those of you thatare joining us, welcome back.
You had me all to yourselftoday.

(00:27):
So, fishbowl.
What we do is I print out lotsof questions from women and men
from social media.
They are anonymous.
I pick one out of the bowl, Iread it and we help you with
your dating problems and woesand questions.
So let's get started.

(00:47):
Pick the one on top, let's seewhat we got today.
It's a long one, so bear withme.
All, right, so I'm going tobreak it down as I read it,
because that's how I like to doit.
Normally, I have Allison ishere and we go back and forth,
but today, since it's just me,I'm going to read and we'll

(01:09):
break down as we go and helpthis person.
So this is off Bad Mom's Group.
I've been casually seeing adetective.
Okay, he sees some of the worstthings imaginable.
Okay, that right there he'sgoing to have trauma.
But let me read on.
I don't know.
But let me read on.
He has zero self esteem.

(01:29):
Here we go.
Okay, he has zero self esteem,been cheated on most of his
relationships.
Hmm, I wonder why.
He came with very goodreferences from mutual friends.
Alright, so she's dating adetective.
Obviously he sees murders andsome of the worst imaginable
things.
He's got no self-esteem.

(01:51):
He's been cheating on most ofhis life in his relationships.
But friends of hers said he's agreat guy.
Give him a chance.
See, you know what that'stricky right there.
Because you know what, whenyour friends introduce you to
their friends that they onlyknow as friends, people are

(02:11):
different when you date themversus when you're friends with
them.
You know a great friend couldbe a shitty husband.
So I don't know.
And a detective, I don't know.
For all you cops out there, youhave to hop on my live.
When we do live, I always feellike a cop is a bad choice.
For any women that are outthere that are married to cops
or dating a cop, I don't know.

(02:32):
I always hear horror stories.
I never dated a cop because ofthat.
But let's go on, okay, but helets his work get to him
mentally.
Well, how could he not?
And I can tell he's been tryingto push me away.
Some days he goes completelyMIA.
We live on the same road and Ipass his house daily and he's

(02:53):
always home when he says he is.
He just likes to be a hermitquote unquote, as he says and
deal with his stuff on his own.
He swears he likes me and wantsto start something.
But I just need to be patientwith him.
I actually know his parents andhis mom called me earlier today
, concerned that he spends toomuch time alone and asked me if

(03:17):
I could cheer him up.
I can only try so much.
Does it get better?
All right, let's break thisdown.
This is a good one.
Okay, so we already broke downthat.
He's a detective.
He has zero self-esteem but hecomes highly recommended by
family and friends.
She said he goes to work andlets it get to him mentally.

(03:37):
You have to be a reallyspecific type of person, which I
don't know.
We should have our therapist onto tell us which type of person
that is to be able to go to waror go see murders and the worst
case scenarios, you know, childrape and all these horrible
things of the world, and nothave it get to you mentally

(03:59):
right.
So obviously he's not that top1%.
I would imagine that's a top1%-er that can go and do this
daily and just carry on with andleave it at work and not take
it home with you.
So he's not one of those peopleand he's a hermit.
He's obviously a hermit becausehe's suffering from PTSD or you

(04:23):
know, I'm not going to label it, but he's obviously suffering
from the job and what he'ssuffering from PTSD or you know,
I'm not going to label it, buthe's obviously suffering from
the job and what he's seen.
Otherwise, why are you a hermit?
And he swears he wants to startsomething.
But I need to be patient withthem.
See now whether this person Idon't know their age is writing
and whether she's young or old.

(04:44):
Why do you need to be patient?
You're out there.
I don't know anything about you, but it seems like you have
your head on straight.
You have your shit together.
But it seems like you have yourhead on straight.
You have your shit together.
Why do you have to be patientfor this man that has zero
self-esteem?
He's been cheated on forreasons.
If somebody is consistentlycheated on throughout their

(05:07):
relationship, they're theproblem.
It's like that tic-tac Hi, it'sme, I'm the problem, it's me.
And she knows his parents.
That's messy.
I would bow out gracefully now,because now the mom already is
calling you and asking you ifyou could cheer him up.

(05:27):
If you can't cheer him up now,is the parents not going to talk
to you anymore?
The parent's not going to talkto you anymore.
You know, there seems likethere's a lot in this and I
don't see why you have to dealwith it all.
When you first get into arelationship with somebody, it's
supposed to be the best itcould be right.
You meet somebody, you getalong oh great.

(05:50):
You know their family, theycame highly recommended by
friends, they have a great job,they're a happy person, you know
they have good self-value, goodmorals, good ethics.
And then you're supposed to gofrom there.
You went on a few great dates,you get along and everything
seems to mesh.
And then you move higher andhigher up the ladder.

(06:11):
Let's say You're starting hereat the bottom the ladder.
Let's say you're starting hereat the bottom.
So why do you want to start atthe bottom and then slowly be
patient and work your way up?
Quite frankly, I don't thinkit's worth your time and it's
not your job to cheer him up andchange him from being a hermit,
which I'm sure he's been foryears.

(06:32):
You're not a therapist, sothat's my advice Bow out,
gracefully, still be friendswith him and his family and go,
look for a man that is startingon the same playing field as you
.
This man doesn't seem like he'sstarting on the same playing
field as you.
He seems below and you have tobe Bob the Builder and work him

(06:55):
up to where you are, and that'sjust never worth anyone's time,
especially when you're notmarried with kids.
If you were married to this manwith children, I tell you well,
maybe therapy, you know, havepatience, because you have
something invested.
You have nothing invested here,so walk away.
Not a good choice.
I hope that was helpful and Ihope you enjoyed our fishbowl.

(07:20):
We will be back and withanother topic, so I will see you
soon.