December 4, 2024 • 24 mins
Have you ever felt pressured to offer more than friendship when accepting help? Join us as we unpack this common experience, particularly for women who often feel caught in the web of societal expectations. We tackle the delicate dance of navigating friendships with men who seem to expect something more in return for their generosity. With a focus on the importance of setting and respecting boundaries, we challenge the notion that gratitude should come with strings attached and encourage women to embrace their worth without guilt or obligation.
Our conversation takes a deeper dive into the art of setting personal boundaries and holding them firm, even when they don't match societal norms. We explore how writing down these boundaries can serve as a powerful reminder to ourselves and those around us. From discussing the hosts' unique approaches to relationship boundaries—like avoiding partners with young children or rejecting long-distance first dates—we highlight how these personal rules safeguard our emotional well-being. Discover how embracing your individual boundaries can lead to more authentic and fulfilling relationships, enriching your life with truly compatible connections.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
Welcome to David's Daycare, where we help you
navigate through the jungle ofjerks.
My name is Melissa.
Speaker 2 (00:14):
I'm Allison.
Speaker 1 (00:15):
And today, for our lovely viewers, we have another
fishbowl episode.
If you're just joining us, wewill explain to you what our
fishbowl episode.
If you're just joining us, wewill explain to you what our
fish bowl is all about.
We take real questions fromreal women, from real online
sites, we fold them upanonymously and we put them into
(00:39):
our fishbowl, we open them upand we help you navigate through
it.
Speaker 2 (00:44):
Yes, so let's start shall we, shall we.
I think I'm going to do this.
I don't want it to be a longone.
Speaker 1 (00:57):
I know Allison hates the long ones.
Speaker 2 (01:00):
Okay, anonymous member.
Ugh, men drive me crazy.
Three exclamation points.
I'm chronically single becauseI don't have time, nor do I want
any friends with benefits.
I don't want any of the quotebenefit part and so I will let
myself struggle with not askingmy guy friends for help, because
(01:21):
even though they insist on notwanting the benefit part, they
will always guilt me into sayingyes and giving in and then say
quote, I don't just call you forthat end quote BS, we can just
talk or just hang out, blah,blah, blah.
So here we go again with you.
(01:43):
Never call if you need help, Isay because I have no service to
provide in in exchange for help, so I don't call.
Rinse and repeat the cycle.
Speaker 1 (01:53):
Ugh all right, I I yeah I think I understand.
Speaker 2 (01:56):
Okay, I gotta look at this as we as we walk through
this.
Speaker 1 (02:01):
Okay, so she's single because she does not have time,
nor does she want friends withbenefits.
Well, anonymous member, I agreewith you.
I am not a friends withbenefits girl.
I'm not even emotionallycapable of doing something like
that personally, and I believethat 95% of the female
(02:25):
population is not emotionallyequipped to deal with that.
It goes against nature.
So any of you that are in afriends with benefits, I love to
hear your side of it.
But I don't believe that itends well for the women.
At least the men get what theywant and it's easy for them to
(02:47):
go fluttering.
But okay, let's move on now.
So she struggles with not askingher guy friends for help,
because, even though they insistof not wanting the ben, the sex
with friends with benefits,they always guilt her into
(03:08):
saying okay, I'll have sex withyou.
Okay, you have the wrongfriends.
Okay, because I have quite afew guy friends and I get a lot
of things from them.
I have a friend that ownsVerizon stores and he's nice
enough to.
Every time I get a new au pair,need a new phone line, he hooks
(03:31):
it up and gives me a great deal.
I don't have sex with him, noris he asking me for sex.
I have another friend that I goout with all the time.
We'll meet up at a restaurant,a restaurant, have some dinner,
uh, wine, or if there's acertain restaurant I want to go
into in manhattan, I meet upwith him.
He sure as shit isn't asking me, after he pays for dinner, for
(03:54):
sex.
So no, she has.
No, she has the wrong friends.
Okay, that's.
Second you, you have the wrongfriends.
Then it says that the guy'slike don't worry, I won't ask to
have sex with you, we'll justhang out, we don't have to have
sex.
Blah, blah, blah.
Why don't you ever call me forhelp?
(04:16):
I promise we won't have sex.
And then she's saying she'llcall them for help.
I guess she doesn't say whatkind of help, maybe around her
house or whatever.
And then they come over and doit and then they guilt her into
having sex again.
Rinse and repeat.
So she said she doesn't callthem because she doesn't want to
(04:38):
give sex in exchange for help.
I don't blame you.
Anonymous member.
Speaker 2 (04:45):
Something that my spidey senses are tingling and
telling me.
I mean, we don't know the fullstory, but something is telling
me that this woman is making upthe story in her head, like the
guilt is coming from her.
It's coming from something inthe past.
I would wager to bet they'renot saying I just hung up this
picture frame.
Now, blow me.
(05:05):
I don't think that's reallywhat's happening.
Speaker 1 (05:09):
Or they could be at this point, because she's done
it so many times, yeah, so it'san expectation, it's an
expectation.
Okay, so I think that we wentthrough this.
We addressed the question.
We went through this.
We addressed the question.
(05:29):
You should not be giving sex orblowjobs or anything sexual out
for friends, male friendscoming over and changing a light
bulb, helping you put a fishtank up into your crawl space or
mowing your lawn or anythingelse in that matter.
But you know what?
Speaker 2 (05:45):
Because they're doing it because they want to.
At the end of the day, I thinkwomen, yeah, women.
I just have to say that womenhave this thing where they have
a hard time accepting help andjust kindness from people
without feeling that they haveto give back.
I don't, yeah, I don't feelthat either.
Speaker 1 (06:03):
But there was a time when I did.
Speaker 2 (06:06):
Right, yeah, there was a time when I did, and even
with some girlfriends they'll belike are you sure you want to
come to Manhattan?
I want to come to Manhattanbecause I want to come to
Manhattan.
They're just like questioning.
Your intentions Exactly.
Speaker 1 (06:21):
Okay, All right.
So for those ladies that youfeel guilty and you know what,
you're right, Allison, because Isee a lot of online posts with
women saying he took me out todinner and offered to pay, and I
feel guilty.
Speaker 2 (06:39):
Or.
Speaker 1 (06:39):
I feel like I have to pay half the bill because I ate
half the dinner or any of thesecrazy 50-50 type.
You know how I feel about the50-50.
Speaker 2 (06:48):
Yeah, we don't.
Speaker 1 (06:50):
Ladies, you should not feel guilty if you have a
friend.
If my girlfriend calls me upand says, hey, melissa, could
you come over and help me out, Idon't expect anything back.
No, that is what a real frienddoes.
So the fact that these men thatshe calls friends are accepting
(07:13):
sex, they should have negatedthat from the beginning.
That's telling me that they'renot friends.
If one of my guy friends cameover that was truly a friend for
years and helped me I don'tknow install a lamp in my
kitchen, a chandelier, and thenI started taking off my clothes,
(07:37):
I mean they would be like whatthe fuck are you doing?
Like I mean.
I truly I mean they might likeit and be like come here.
I didn't know you felt this wayabout me.
But, joking aside, the same asif I went to a friend's house
and it was a male and he startedtaking off his clothes after I
(07:57):
don't know, maybe I washed hiscar for him.
Let's say, I mean, I'm thinkingof favors here.
You made him a brisket orsomething.
And there you go, I cooked himdinner and he's greeting me
naked or starts taking off hisclothes.
I'd be in shock too.
But you know what?
Ladies, all joking aside, thisis a real big topic that we
haven't done yet.
(08:17):
I don't think boundaries.
So let's get into it, let's gofrom this, because this has to
do with boundaries.
This girl, you need to figureout your boundaries and when you
figure them out, you can't feelguilty about them.
I think that is a big numberone problem of women not holding
(08:41):
too strong to their boundaries.
A scenario will come up andthey will feel like the black
sheep or guilty about theboundary.
Maybe your boundary is not thenorm, maybe you have a boundary
that is kind of an outcastboundary, yeah, and I feel like
(09:04):
women when you're first figuringthis kind of stuff out.
Speaker 2 (09:07):
And I know it sounds like corny and hokey, but
honestly, get like a, like amolluscine, like a journal, and
write out like that, right?
Speaker 1 (09:18):
yes, what I do, but it's good for this.
Yeah, just write down like.
Speaker 2 (09:22):
These are things that make me feel safe, and these
things will um.
I will feel comfortable out inthe world I can live with it.
Speaker 1 (09:32):
Yes, I can live with it, and you know what lady said
is good to you.
I will say, on on the reverseflip side, when I tried to get
back with my kid's dad my ex, bythe end of the three months and
I'm glad I did this, becauseI'm not a writer, allison Jotson
writes her notes Me I'm off thecuff I wrote down, by the end
(09:53):
of the three months, 25 thingshe said he didn't like about me
and every time which is rare now, but in the past when I got
that little feeling of, oh, Ifeel bad, my kids, their dad,
you know the future.
I pull out that list.
I pull out that list and Ireminisce.
Speaker 2 (10:16):
It snaps you back into reality.
Speaker 1 (10:18):
So, ladies, that is good advice Write down your
boundaries and whatever thoseboundaries are, it's okay.
I think a lot of people feellike their boundaries have to
fit the cultural status quo oftheir friends or their family
members or where they live andwhat the dating scenes like,
(10:39):
because obviously the datingscene in New York City is going
to be very different from thedating scene, let's say, in
Manhattan, new York or, you know, tennessee or California, or
it's going to be differenteverywhere.
So, ladies, write down yourboundaries and stick with them.
(11:01):
I have a lot, god knows.
Speaker 2 (11:04):
What I find didn't mean to interrupt, but what I
find is that women will havethese, what they perceive to be
their boundaries, and then theymeet someone who just knocks
their socks off.
They feel chemistry with and allthat crap goes out the window.
That's when the boundaries needto be held firmly too.
So, for instance, say you knowyou want to be married and you
(11:25):
know you want to have kids.
You meet this really hot guywho makes you feel all the
things and you know what.
He doesn't want kids and hedoesn't want to get married.
But you're like, oh, you know,maybe.
Speaker 1 (11:34):
I can convince him.
Maybe I'll change him yeah no.
Speaker 2 (11:37):
That's when they're the most important.
That's another thing.
Speaker 1 (11:40):
Yeah.
And here's the thing If youstick with those boundaries and
find there will be somebodywho's okay with them, who's okay
with them, you don't have towait for the change, you don't
have to say, oh well, maybe whenthis happens he'll want kids.
(12:03):
Maybe when this happens he'llwant kids.
Maybe when this happens he'llwant to move to Florida, like I
do.
Speaker 2 (12:10):
Maybe when his ex-wife blank blanks this, or
when his kids grow up.
That's no way to live.
It's no way to live, and itdoesn't end well.
Speaker 1 (12:15):
And let me tell you something I have those
boundaries that are, if you want, to call, off the cuff.
I have boundaries that mostwomen my age in my position do
not have, and I'll name one ofthem, which I've mentioned this
before, if you don't know, ifyou're just joining us, I am, if
(12:40):
you want.
I've never been married butseparated.
I call it divorce because it'sthe same basic thing.
From my kid's dad two kids,nine and 10.
And this is the pot calling thekettle black and it is a hard
lying boundary for me.
I will not date men with youngchildren.
They have to be 18 or older.
(13:00):
Now, not only is that the potcalling the kettle black, and
I'm sure a lot of our viewersare going to be like, like how
can you say that you have twoyoung kids?
How can you say you won't datea man with young kids you have?
So what happens if the man saysit about you and you never get
a date?
That's fine, I'm good.
(13:20):
I am good.
You're good with dying alone.
I'm good with dying alone.
But that is a hardcore boundaryfor me, because I don't believe
in Brady bunching what I callmy family.
I'm not dipping my toe in it.
I don't want to deal with yourex-wife.
I don't want to deal with thealimony you're paying.
I don't want to deal with thealimony you're paying.
(13:41):
I don't want to deal with anyof that.
I don't want to deal with thehardship of the child support,
because that only, in my view,hinders my life.
I am able to do with mychildren and work very hard to
be able to do basically whateverI want with my kids.
Do basically whatever I wantwith my kids.
You coming into my life, havingfinancial expectations
(14:04):
somewhere else, and youngchildren you gotta be on the
soccer.
You should be on the soccerfield.
You should be with themChristmas morning, you should be
at their birthday parties.
That is where you should be.
I don't wanna be there with you.
And here's another thing You'renot meeting my children.
Another thing You're notmeeting my children.
Another boundary no man ismeeting my children unless we're
(14:25):
getting engaged or marriedsometime in the near future.
So all those relationshipthings of oh, you went to my
kid's soccer game.
Next weekend's your soccer game, let me go.
You're not coming to my kid'ssoccer game.
Next weekend's your soccer game, let me go.
You're not coming to my kid'ssoccer game, because when we
don't work out and we break upand my kids are attached to you,
(14:46):
they're not losing another manin their life to have more daddy
issues than they already have.
It's not happening.
So those are my hard carboundaries.
Now are those my girlfriend'sboundaries?
Nope, do they look at me likeI'm insane?
Probably Do.
They date men and after three,four, five months, introduce
(15:09):
them to their kids?
Nope, absolutely.
At a carnival or at a you knowwhatever.
Absolutely they do.
A lot of them do.
A lot of them don't, but a lotof them do so.
But that's their prerogative.
That's my hardcore boundary,and people may look at it as
it's crazy.
People tell me you're gonna bealone for a long time and I'm
(15:34):
okay, I'm ready.
So my point being I don't carewhat someone tells me.
I know it's not the norm, butit's what works for me and what
I want for my children.
Speaker 2 (15:47):
Do you want to hear one of my boundaries?
Yes, I do.
Okay, Of course, you know I amdating, I'm single.
You know I am dating single.
I really, and I will get intothis later.
But I think people need to knowthe difference between a
boundary and something that issuch a high wall up that you're
which I don't think that yourthing is.
(16:08):
But sometimes people say I havea boundary where I only date
six feet tall Ben.
People get that's not aboundary, that's a preference,
Correct.
People get very confused.
I do not feel comfortabletraveling on a first date to see
a man.
If a man wants to see me, hewill come my way.
(16:30):
I feel most comfortable thatway.
Speaker 1 (16:31):
So for instance- and you know where you are, if God
forbid you have somethinghappens.
You're familiar with where todrive, how to get there, where
the good towns are, where thebad towns are.
As if you're traveling from NewYork to New Jersey, you don't
know where you are, what kind oftown you're going to.
Speaker 2 (16:50):
I agree with you 100% and I've definitely turned down
many a first date or second,second date because they weren't
willing to come to you.
I did that last week as wellsomeone who seemed you know
great on paper, who wanted totake me nice places oh my god,
do I hear a dick of the week?
Dick of the week is coming itwasn't a match, just it just
(17:14):
wasn't a match.
He was just not willing to comemy way.
Speaker 1 (17:17):
So where'd he live?
Speaker 2 (17:18):
he actually.
So when we matched he was inthe city.
I was thinking he was living inthe city, actually lived in
westchester, which you know.
I I've dated guys who arewilling to come my way
absolutely, which is fine, hewasn't, that's fine that's how
far is west an hour?
Yeah, it's like probably.
He's probably probably as farfrom the city as I was, so like
(17:40):
45-50 minutes from the city.
Speaker 1 (17:42):
And wait.
Speaker 2 (17:43):
You wanted to meet in Manhattan, no, I wanted him to
come this way To Long Island.
Yeah, I didn't want to go tothe city on the first date.
No, I agree.
Speaker 1 (17:50):
I agree, 100%.
Dick of the week, dick of theweek, and you know what, and not
for nothing.
But the man should pursue yeah.
And then that's not saying ifyou got with him you wouldn't
travel to Westchester Once youstart your inner relationship
and it's give and take and youwant to work.
Speaker 2 (18:12):
Want it to work, of course, I agree, I agree and you
want it to work.
Speaker 1 (18:15):
Of course, I agree I agree, but yes, we should be
clear on boundaries versuspreferences.
Yes, there is a big difference.
So, ladies, to me a boundary issomething that I set in the
sand that I know could beharmful to my emotional
well-being if it doesn't go welllater on.
(18:37):
Ladies, that's how you setboundaries.
You look at something you'veeither been through and it hurt
you, or something that didn'twork out for you, and you say to
yourself I don't want to dothat again.
And you think how did I getinto that position?
Oh, I traveled to Westchesteron a first date and got ghosted.
(19:00):
He never showed up.
That sucked.
I spent three hours.
What's your boundary now?
Always have the guy meet you onthe first date.
Speaker 2 (19:10):
That's a perfect example with a boundary.
You know it on a visceral, likea gut level.
Speaker 1 (19:15):
You know like if you go against it, it really does
not feel good all right, or youjust know that it could end up
in a in a bad position.
I've mentioned this in in otherum episodes but I'll I'll
mention it again.
So my ex, my kid's dad, did nothave a great childhood and
(19:38):
upbringing was not close to you.
Know mother, father, wholebackground story that I'm not
going to get into.
Mom and dad married 51 years,big family, always together,
barbecues, my cousins like mysister, sort of upbringing and
(20:06):
how they say the way a mantreats his mother is the way
he's going to treat you.
I never thought that I had noexperience with it.
I did with my ex.
He did not treat me so well.
So now a boundary if you do notcome, if you come from a
horrifically broken family orthere's any abuse, you know
(20:29):
childhood in your past andyou're still not from close
mother, brother, sister, I won'tget involved.
It's a boundary for me Justbecause now that's not saying
and that's why boundaries aredifferent for everybody that's
not saying you didn't, becauseyou know I'm going to get
(20:51):
comments.
I know there's one of you outthere that dated a guy from a
horrible upbringing.
That's been married 45 yearsand couldn't be happier.
I know that.
But now this wouldn't be yourboundary if you ever got
divorced.
Boundaries also come from bad,bad experiences that we've had
(21:13):
that we're scared to repeat.
Speaker 2 (21:26):
So that's a boundary for me, because I think it'll
alleviate me from dating a guyand getting in a bad, toxic
relationship Works for me.
Speaker 1 (21:33):
Yep, works for me.
That works for you, Ladies, ifyou have any questions about
boundaries, or any boundariesthat you want to bounce off of
us that you think may beunreasonable, that you want to
lay down Sometimes they are.
No, sometimes they are and we'rehere to tell you if they are,
like you said, a six foot tall,a man with you know finance,
what is that thing from TikTok?
I want a man.
My daughter would say it in twoseconds if she was here Six,
(21:53):
five blue eyes, Yep, If youthink that your boundaries are
outlandish, run them by us.
We'll definitely.
We'll be happy to comment andgo over it with you what we
think is healthy.
There's healthy and not healthy, right, and there has to be
(22:16):
leeway sometimes and there'salways exceptions, but they're
few and far between.
I don't want to hear about theexceptions.
You know what I mean.
A boundary is meant not to bebroken and to prevent you from
being hurt, Even if thatexception comes along, sometimes
you got to let it go.
Speaker 2 (22:32):
Yeah, and another thing I just want to mention I
feel like a lot of women feelthat they, if they have these
safeguards in place, if theyhave these boundaries and they
adhere to them, that they'regoing to be turning men off and
that's okay.
Speaker 1 (22:45):
we want to turn those kinds of men off because they
weren't meant for us to be right, don't, yeah, don't be insulted
when a man, when you know, whena man comes up to me I've been
out plenty of of times and he'slike, oh, you know, you sit, you
talk, I'm polite.
And then he's like, oh, I'm inthe middle of a divorce and I
have a two and three-year-old.
I right then and there say I'msorry, you're not for me, but it
(23:06):
was nice meeting you.
And sometimes they'll ask mewell, why, like you're quote
quote, unquote divorced with, uh, maybe at the time five and six
year old?
Well, I don't understand, wheredid the problem occur?
And I'll say I don't date menwith young kids.
And they'll look at me like Iam a insane and then, if they
(23:29):
want, me to elaborate.
I have no problem elaborating,but that boundary does not get
crossed because he's the hottestguy in the bar and is driving
the Lamborghini.
It doesn't get crossed, theboundary stays.
It stays because there's areason for it and all those
fears or complications that Iconsider complications, of
(23:52):
course, are going to arise ifhe's a good man.
So that's why the boundary'sthere.
If he wasn't on the kids'soccer field and if he wasn't
there Christmas morning and ifhe wasn't dealing with the
ex-wife, I don't want to bedating him, but I don't want to
be dating him and dealing withall that either.
So there's my boundary Right.
Speaker 2 (24:11):
Got it.
Speaker 1 (24:12):
Yep, all right, ladies Boundaries.
So please write us, let us know, bounce some things off of us
and we will see you soon.
Thank you for joining us.
Thank you, see you next time.
See you next time, bye.
Welcome to David's Daycare, where we help you
navigate through the jungle ofjerks.
My name is Melissa.
Speaker 2 (00:14):
I'm Allison.
Speaker 1 (00:15):
And today, for our lovely viewers, we have another
fishbowl episode.
If you're just joining us, wewill explain to you what our
fishbowl episode.
If you're just joining us, wewill explain to you what our
fish bowl is all about.
We take real questions fromreal women, from real online
sites, we fold them upanonymously and we put them into
(00:39):
our fishbowl, we open them upand we help you navigate through
it.
Speaker 2 (00:44):
Yes, so let's start shall we, shall we.
I think I'm going to do this.
I don't want it to be a longone.
Speaker 1 (00:57):
I know Allison hates the long ones.
Speaker 2 (01:00):
Okay, anonymous member.
Ugh, men drive me crazy.
Three exclamation points.
I'm chronically single becauseI don't have time, nor do I want
any friends with benefits.
I don't want any of the quotebenefit part and so I will let
myself struggle with not askingmy guy friends for help, because
(01:21):
even though they insist on notwanting the benefit part, they
will always guilt me into sayingyes and giving in and then say
quote, I don't just call you forthat end quote BS, we can just
talk or just hang out, blah,blah, blah.
So here we go again with you.
(01:43):
Never call if you need help, Isay because I have no service to
provide in in exchange for help, so I don't call.
Rinse and repeat the cycle.
Speaker 1 (01:53):
Ugh all right, I I yeah I think I understand.
Speaker 2 (01:56):
Okay, I gotta look at this as we as we walk through
this.
Speaker 1 (02:01):
Okay, so she's single because she does not have time,
nor does she want friends withbenefits.
Well, anonymous member, I agreewith you.
I am not a friends withbenefits girl.
I'm not even emotionallycapable of doing something like
that personally, and I believethat 95% of the female
(02:25):
population is not emotionallyequipped to deal with that.
It goes against nature.
So any of you that are in afriends with benefits, I love to
hear your side of it.
But I don't believe that itends well for the women.
At least the men get what theywant and it's easy for them to
(02:47):
go fluttering.
But okay, let's move on now.
So she struggles with not askingher guy friends for help,
because, even though they insistof not wanting the ben, the sex
with friends with benefits,they always guilt her into
(03:08):
saying okay, I'll have sex withyou.
Okay, you have the wrongfriends.
Okay, because I have quite afew guy friends and I get a lot
of things from them.
I have a friend that ownsVerizon stores and he's nice
enough to.
Every time I get a new au pair,need a new phone line, he hooks
(03:31):
it up and gives me a great deal.
I don't have sex with him, noris he asking me for sex.
I have another friend that I goout with all the time.
We'll meet up at a restaurant,a restaurant, have some dinner,
uh, wine, or if there's acertain restaurant I want to go
into in manhattan, I meet upwith him.
He sure as shit isn't asking me, after he pays for dinner, for
(03:54):
sex.
So no, she has.
No, she has the wrong friends.
Okay, that's.
Second you, you have the wrongfriends.
Then it says that the guy'slike don't worry, I won't ask to
have sex with you, we'll justhang out, we don't have to have
sex.
Blah, blah, blah.
Why don't you ever call me forhelp?
(04:16):
I promise we won't have sex.
And then she's saying she'llcall them for help.
I guess she doesn't say whatkind of help, maybe around her
house or whatever.
And then they come over and doit and then they guilt her into
having sex again.
Rinse and repeat.
So she said she doesn't callthem because she doesn't want to
(04:38):
give sex in exchange for help.
I don't blame you.
Anonymous member.
Speaker 2 (04:45):
Something that my spidey senses are tingling and
telling me.
I mean, we don't know the fullstory, but something is telling
me that this woman is making upthe story in her head, like the
guilt is coming from her.
It's coming from something inthe past.
I would wager to bet they'renot saying I just hung up this
picture frame.
Now, blow me.
(05:05):
I don't think that's reallywhat's happening.
Speaker 1 (05:09):
Or they could be at this point, because she's done
it so many times, yeah, so it'san expectation, it's an
expectation.
Okay, so I think that we wentthrough this.
We addressed the question.
We went through this.
We addressed the question.
(05:29):
You should not be giving sex orblowjobs or anything sexual out
for friends, male friendscoming over and changing a light
bulb, helping you put a fishtank up into your crawl space or
mowing your lawn or anythingelse in that matter.
But you know what?
Speaker 2 (05:45):
Because they're doing it because they want to.
At the end of the day, I thinkwomen, yeah, women.
I just have to say that womenhave this thing where they have
a hard time accepting help andjust kindness from people
without feeling that they haveto give back.
I don't, yeah, I don't feelthat either.
Speaker 1 (06:03):
But there was a time when I did.
Speaker 2 (06:06):
Right, yeah, there was a time when I did, and even
with some girlfriends they'll belike are you sure you want to
come to Manhattan?
I want to come to Manhattanbecause I want to come to
Manhattan.
They're just like questioning.
Your intentions Exactly.
Speaker 1 (06:21):
Okay, All right.
So for those ladies that youfeel guilty and you know what,
you're right, Allison, because Isee a lot of online posts with
women saying he took me out todinner and offered to pay, and I
feel guilty.
Speaker 2 (06:39):
Or.
Speaker 1 (06:39):
I feel like I have to pay half the bill because I ate
half the dinner or any of thesecrazy 50-50 type.
You know how I feel about the50-50.
Speaker 2 (06:48):
Yeah, we don't.
Speaker 1 (06:50):
Ladies, you should not feel guilty if you have a
friend.
If my girlfriend calls me upand says, hey, melissa, could
you come over and help me out, Idon't expect anything back.
No, that is what a real frienddoes.
So the fact that these men thatshe calls friends are accepting
(07:13):
sex, they should have negatedthat from the beginning.
That's telling me that they'renot friends.
If one of my guy friends cameover that was truly a friend for
years and helped me I don'tknow install a lamp in my
kitchen, a chandelier, and thenI started taking off my clothes,
(07:37):
I mean they would be like whatthe fuck are you doing?
Like I mean.
I truly I mean they might likeit and be like come here.
I didn't know you felt this wayabout me.
But, joking aside, the same asif I went to a friend's house
and it was a male and he startedtaking off his clothes after I
(07:57):
don't know, maybe I washed hiscar for him.
Let's say, I mean, I'm thinkingof favors here.
You made him a brisket orsomething.
And there you go, I cooked himdinner and he's greeting me
naked or starts taking off hisclothes.
I'd be in shock too.
But you know what?
Ladies, all joking aside, thisis a real big topic that we
haven't done yet.
(08:17):
I don't think boundaries.
So let's get into it, let's gofrom this, because this has to
do with boundaries.
This girl, you need to figureout your boundaries and when you
figure them out, you can't feelguilty about them.
I think that is a big numberone problem of women not holding
(08:41):
too strong to their boundaries.
A scenario will come up andthey will feel like the black
sheep or guilty about theboundary.
Maybe your boundary is not thenorm, maybe you have a boundary
that is kind of an outcastboundary, yeah, and I feel like
(09:04):
women when you're first figuringthis kind of stuff out.
Speaker 2 (09:07):
And I know it sounds like corny and hokey, but
honestly, get like a, like amolluscine, like a journal, and
write out like that, right?
Speaker 1 (09:18):
yes, what I do, but it's good for this.
Yeah, just write down like.
Speaker 2 (09:22):
These are things that make me feel safe, and these
things will um.
I will feel comfortable out inthe world I can live with it.
Speaker 1 (09:32):
Yes, I can live with it, and you know what lady said
is good to you.
I will say, on on the reverseflip side, when I tried to get
back with my kid's dad my ex, bythe end of the three months and
I'm glad I did this, becauseI'm not a writer, allison Jotson
writes her notes Me I'm off thecuff I wrote down, by the end
(09:53):
of the three months, 25 thingshe said he didn't like about me
and every time which is rare now, but in the past when I got
that little feeling of, oh, Ifeel bad, my kids, their dad,
you know the future.
I pull out that list.
I pull out that list and Ireminisce.
Speaker 2 (10:16):
It snaps you back into reality.
Speaker 1 (10:18):
So, ladies, that is good advice Write down your
boundaries and whatever thoseboundaries are, it's okay.
I think a lot of people feellike their boundaries have to
fit the cultural status quo oftheir friends or their family
members or where they live andwhat the dating scenes like,
(10:39):
because obviously the datingscene in New York City is going
to be very different from thedating scene, let's say, in
Manhattan, new York or, you know, tennessee or California, or
it's going to be differenteverywhere.
So, ladies, write down yourboundaries and stick with them.
(11:01):
I have a lot, god knows.
Speaker 2 (11:04):
What I find didn't mean to interrupt, but what I
find is that women will havethese, what they perceive to be
their boundaries, and then theymeet someone who just knocks
their socks off.
They feel chemistry with and allthat crap goes out the window.
That's when the boundaries needto be held firmly too.
So, for instance, say you knowyou want to be married and you
(11:25):
know you want to have kids.
You meet this really hot guywho makes you feel all the
things and you know what.
He doesn't want kids and hedoesn't want to get married.
But you're like, oh, you know,maybe.
Speaker 1 (11:34):
I can convince him.
Maybe I'll change him yeah no.
Speaker 2 (11:37):
That's when they're the most important.
That's another thing.
Speaker 1 (11:40):
Yeah.
And here's the thing If youstick with those boundaries and
find there will be somebodywho's okay with them, who's okay
with them, you don't have towait for the change, you don't
have to say, oh well, maybe whenthis happens he'll want kids.
(12:03):
Maybe when this happens he'llwant kids.
Maybe when this happens he'llwant to move to Florida, like I
do.
Speaker 2 (12:10):
Maybe when his ex-wife blank blanks this, or
when his kids grow up.
That's no way to live.
It's no way to live, and itdoesn't end well.
Speaker 1 (12:15):
And let me tell you something I have those
boundaries that are, if you want, to call, off the cuff.
I have boundaries that mostwomen my age in my position do
not have, and I'll name one ofthem, which I've mentioned this
before, if you don't know, ifyou're just joining us, I am, if
(12:40):
you want.
I've never been married butseparated.
I call it divorce because it'sthe same basic thing.
From my kid's dad two kids,nine and 10.
And this is the pot calling thekettle black and it is a hard
lying boundary for me.
I will not date men with youngchildren.
They have to be 18 or older.
(13:00):
Now, not only is that the potcalling the kettle black, and
I'm sure a lot of our viewersare going to be like, like how
can you say that you have twoyoung kids?
How can you say you won't datea man with young kids you have?
So what happens if the man saysit about you and you never get
a date?
That's fine, I'm good.
(13:20):
I am good.
You're good with dying alone.
I'm good with dying alone.
But that is a hardcore boundaryfor me, because I don't believe
in Brady bunching what I callmy family.
I'm not dipping my toe in it.
I don't want to deal with yourex-wife.
I don't want to deal with thealimony you're paying.
I don't want to deal with thealimony you're paying.
(13:41):
I don't want to deal with anyof that.
I don't want to deal with thehardship of the child support,
because that only, in my view,hinders my life.
I am able to do with mychildren and work very hard to
be able to do basically whateverI want with my kids.
Do basically whatever I wantwith my kids.
You coming into my life, havingfinancial expectations
(14:04):
somewhere else, and youngchildren you gotta be on the
soccer.
You should be on the soccerfield.
You should be with themChristmas morning, you should be
at their birthday parties.
That is where you should be.
I don't wanna be there with you.
And here's another thing You'renot meeting my children.
Another thing You're notmeeting my children.
Another boundary no man ismeeting my children unless we're
(14:25):
getting engaged or marriedsometime in the near future.
So all those relationshipthings of oh, you went to my
kid's soccer game.
Next weekend's your soccer game, let me go.
You're not coming to my kid'ssoccer game.
Next weekend's your soccer game, let me go.
You're not coming to my kid'ssoccer game, because when we
don't work out and we break upand my kids are attached to you,
(14:46):
they're not losing another manin their life to have more daddy
issues than they already have.
It's not happening.
So those are my hard carboundaries.
Now are those my girlfriend'sboundaries?
Nope, do they look at me likeI'm insane?
Probably Do.
They date men and after three,four, five months, introduce
(15:09):
them to their kids?
Nope, absolutely.
At a carnival or at a you knowwhatever.
Absolutely they do.
A lot of them do.
A lot of them don't, but a lotof them do so.
But that's their prerogative.
That's my hardcore boundary,and people may look at it as
it's crazy.
People tell me you're gonna bealone for a long time and I'm
(15:34):
okay, I'm ready.
So my point being I don't carewhat someone tells me.
I know it's not the norm, butit's what works for me and what
I want for my children.
Speaker 2 (15:47):
Do you want to hear one of my boundaries?
Yes, I do.
Okay, Of course, you know I amdating, I'm single.
You know I am dating single.
I really, and I will get intothis later.
But I think people need to knowthe difference between a
boundary and something that issuch a high wall up that you're
which I don't think that yourthing is.
(16:08):
But sometimes people say I havea boundary where I only date
six feet tall Ben.
People get that's not aboundary, that's a preference,
Correct.
People get very confused.
I do not feel comfortabletraveling on a first date to see
a man.
If a man wants to see me, hewill come my way.
(16:30):
I feel most comfortable thatway.
Speaker 1 (16:31):
So for instance- and you know where you are, if God
forbid you have somethinghappens.
You're familiar with where todrive, how to get there, where
the good towns are, where thebad towns are.
As if you're traveling from NewYork to New Jersey, you don't
know where you are, what kind oftown you're going to.
Speaker 2 (16:50):
I agree with you 100% and I've definitely turned down
many a first date or second,second date because they weren't
willing to come to you.
I did that last week as wellsomeone who seemed you know
great on paper, who wanted totake me nice places oh my god,
do I hear a dick of the week?
Dick of the week is coming itwasn't a match, just it just
(17:14):
wasn't a match.
He was just not willing to comemy way.
Speaker 1 (17:17):
So where'd he live?
Speaker 2 (17:18):
he actually.
So when we matched he was inthe city.
I was thinking he was living inthe city, actually lived in
westchester, which you know.
I I've dated guys who arewilling to come my way
absolutely, which is fine, hewasn't, that's fine that's how
far is west an hour?
Yeah, it's like probably.
He's probably probably as farfrom the city as I was, so like
(17:40):
45-50 minutes from the city.
Speaker 1 (17:42):
And wait.
Speaker 2 (17:43):
You wanted to meet in Manhattan, no, I wanted him to
come this way To Long Island.
Yeah, I didn't want to go tothe city on the first date.
No, I agree.
Speaker 1 (17:50):
I agree, 100%.
Dick of the week, dick of theweek, and you know what, and not
for nothing.
But the man should pursue yeah.
And then that's not saying ifyou got with him you wouldn't
travel to Westchester Once youstart your inner relationship
and it's give and take and youwant to work.
Speaker 2 (18:12):
Want it to work, of course, I agree, I agree and you
want it to work.
Speaker 1 (18:15):
Of course, I agree I agree, but yes, we should be
clear on boundaries versuspreferences.
Yes, there is a big difference.
So, ladies, to me a boundary issomething that I set in the
sand that I know could beharmful to my emotional
well-being if it doesn't go welllater on.
(18:37):
Ladies, that's how you setboundaries.
You look at something you'veeither been through and it hurt
you, or something that didn'twork out for you, and you say to
yourself I don't want to dothat again.
And you think how did I getinto that position?
Oh, I traveled to Westchesteron a first date and got ghosted.
(19:00):
He never showed up.
That sucked.
I spent three hours.
What's your boundary now?
Always have the guy meet you onthe first date.
Speaker 2 (19:10):
That's a perfect example with a boundary.
You know it on a visceral, likea gut level.
Speaker 1 (19:15):
You know like if you go against it, it really does
not feel good all right, or youjust know that it could end up
in a in a bad position.
I've mentioned this in in otherum episodes but I'll I'll
mention it again.
So my ex, my kid's dad, did nothave a great childhood and
(19:38):
upbringing was not close to you.
Know mother, father, wholebackground story that I'm not
going to get into.
Mom and dad married 51 years,big family, always together,
barbecues, my cousins like mysister, sort of upbringing and
(20:06):
how they say the way a mantreats his mother is the way
he's going to treat you.
I never thought that I had noexperience with it.
I did with my ex.
He did not treat me so well.
So now a boundary if you do notcome, if you come from a
horrifically broken family orthere's any abuse, you know
(20:29):
childhood in your past andyou're still not from close
mother, brother, sister, I won'tget involved.
It's a boundary for me Justbecause now that's not saying
and that's why boundaries aredifferent for everybody that's
not saying you didn't, becauseyou know I'm going to get
(20:51):
comments.
I know there's one of you outthere that dated a guy from a
horrible upbringing.
That's been married 45 yearsand couldn't be happier.
I know that.
But now this wouldn't be yourboundary if you ever got
divorced.
Boundaries also come from bad,bad experiences that we've had
(21:13):
that we're scared to repeat.
Speaker 2 (21:26):
So that's a boundary for me, because I think it'll
alleviate me from dating a guyand getting in a bad, toxic
relationship Works for me.
Speaker 1 (21:33):
Yep, works for me.
That works for you, Ladies, ifyou have any questions about
boundaries, or any boundariesthat you want to bounce off of
us that you think may beunreasonable, that you want to
lay down Sometimes they are.
No, sometimes they are and we'rehere to tell you if they are,
like you said, a six foot tall,a man with you know finance,
what is that thing from TikTok?
I want a man.
My daughter would say it in twoseconds if she was here Six,
(21:53):
five blue eyes, Yep, If youthink that your boundaries are
outlandish, run them by us.
We'll definitely.
We'll be happy to comment andgo over it with you what we
think is healthy.
There's healthy and not healthy, right, and there has to be
(22:16):
leeway sometimes and there'salways exceptions, but they're
few and far between.
I don't want to hear about theexceptions.
You know what I mean.
A boundary is meant not to bebroken and to prevent you from
being hurt, Even if thatexception comes along, sometimes
you got to let it go.
Speaker 2 (22:32):
Yeah, and another thing I just want to mention I
feel like a lot of women feelthat they, if they have these
safeguards in place, if theyhave these boundaries and they
adhere to them, that they'regoing to be turning men off and
that's okay.
Speaker 1 (22:45):
we want to turn those kinds of men off because they
weren't meant for us to be right, don't, yeah, don't be insulted
when a man, when you know, whena man comes up to me I've been
out plenty of of times and he'slike, oh, you know, you sit, you
talk, I'm polite.
And then he's like, oh, I'm inthe middle of a divorce and I
have a two and three-year-old.
I right then and there say I'msorry, you're not for me, but it
(23:06):
was nice meeting you.
And sometimes they'll ask mewell, why, like you're quote
quote, unquote divorced with, uh, maybe at the time five and six
year old?
Well, I don't understand, wheredid the problem occur?
And I'll say I don't date menwith young kids.
And they'll look at me like Iam a insane and then, if they
(23:29):
want, me to elaborate.
I have no problem elaborating,but that boundary does not get
crossed because he's the hottestguy in the bar and is driving
the Lamborghini.
It doesn't get crossed, theboundary stays.
It stays because there's areason for it and all those
fears or complications that Iconsider complications, of
(23:52):
course, are going to arise ifhe's a good man.
So that's why the boundary'sthere.
If he wasn't on the kids'soccer field and if he wasn't
there Christmas morning and ifhe wasn't dealing with the
ex-wife, I don't want to bedating him, but I don't want to
be dating him and dealing withall that either.
So there's my boundary Right.
Speaker 2 (24:11):
Got it.
Speaker 1 (24:12):
Yep, all right, ladies Boundaries.
So please write us, let us know, bounce some things off of us
and we will see you soon.
Thank you for joining us.
Thank you, see you next time.
See you next time, bye.
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