NAVIGATING THE DATING APPS - Finding Love in the Chaos of NYC w/ Courtney

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What happens when a successful New Yorker navigates the whirlwind of online dating and triumphs in the jungle of jerks? Meet Courtney, our lively guest, who has cracked the code to finding love through platforms like Match, Bumble, Hinge, and even the exclusive Raya. With humor and wisdom, Courtney recounts her journey from the early days of Tinder to a meaningful relationship, proving that amidst the chaos, success stories are very much possible. Tune in to hear her insights and strategies that bring hope to those feeling lost in the world of dating apps.

Join us as we explore the unique challenges faced by singles in big cities, where the abundance of options can make real connections feel elusive. We have an honest conversation about the decline in social skills as dating apps take center stage, and we address the frustrations of endless messaging that never leads to face-to-face meetings. With Courtney's anecdotes, we highlight the importance of being proactive and setting realistic expectations, while also having fun along the way. We also dive into mastering the online dating game, focusing on recognizing red flags and understanding personal intentions to ensure you're on the right path to love.

Whether you're a divorced mom or someone who simply hasn't found the right partner yet, we've got practical advice to keep you grounded and true to yourself. We discuss the importance of understanding non-negotiables and the courage needed to walk away from relationships that don't meet your core values. Our episode is filled with laughs, revelations, and encouragement, urging listeners to embrace their dating journey with an open mind, a sense of humor, and a firm commitment to finding meaningful connections.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:06):
Welcome to Dating Daycare.
Another episode, and we aregoing to help you navigate
through the jungle of jerks.
Ladies, I am Melissa and I'mAllison, and today Allison has
brought on a wonderful guest.
Who have you brought on,Allison?

Speaker 2 (00:22):
I'm super excited to have today's guest.
I think she's a total badass.
She's smart, sweet, supersuccessful.
Her name is Courtney.
She is going to share a datingsuccess story in what seems to
be a sea of horror stories.
So I'd just like you to shareyour experience about singlehood

(00:47):
, specifically about navigatingthe apps successfully.
So if you could introduceyourself, tell us a little bit
about yourself where you're from, how old are you?

Speaker 3 (00:57):
Thank you and thank you guys so much for having me
today.
I was really excited to be here.
I have a lot of experiencedating.
Living in New York City for thepast 20 years has really
changed a lot with the datingscene, so hopefully I'll be able
to give some good tips for somepeople out there who were
definitely in my feet or in myshoes, I should say for a while.

(01:18):
So I'm 42 years old, I live inNew York City.
I currently have an amazingboyfriend who we've been
together now for a little over ayear and we're planning to move
in together early next year andthe next step should follow.
So I'm really excited aboutthat.
Congratulations.

Speaker 1 (01:34):
Thank you, congratulations.
Navigating a jungle of jerks.

Speaker 3 (01:40):
And you finally made it to the end of the road.

Speaker 1 (01:42):
Yes, the light at the end of the tunnel.
Absolutely, and you're going tohelp our viewers.
Today we're going to give yousome.
Well, I'm not ladies, becauseyou obviously know I don't touch
the apps with a 10-foot pole,but Allison does and you do, and
today we are going to help younavigate through those apps and
I'm sure you're going to givethem some wonderful tips.

(02:02):
Some strategies, some those apps, and I'm sure you're going to
give them some wonderfulstrategies and tips, because
there are a lot of questions onthat yeah, we say sure, I've
definitely had some experiencethere.

Speaker 3 (02:11):
So what apps have you been on?
I've been on most of them.
I have been on match, I've beenon bumble hinge raya um gosh.
I think there there's gotta beanother one or two in there.

Speaker 1 (02:26):
Match right, and what's wait?
What was that first one thatcame out?
E-harmony.

Speaker 3 (02:31):
Yes, that's not a great one for younger people.

Speaker 2 (02:33):
I went on that when it first launched Not like a
month On the old fashionedwebsite.
It was like dialogue mode.

Speaker 1 (02:41):
Yes, I was on it for a month and then go.
I can't do this.

Speaker 3 (02:45):
It was.
Eharmony is better for, I think, more mature people who've
maybe been married before.
Maybe they're a little bitolder.
It's a very long process.

Speaker 1 (02:54):
You have to answer four million questions.

Speaker 3 (02:56):
I was like halfway through I'm like I can't do this
and I had no matches.

Speaker 1 (03:00):
At the end, there were no matches.
It says we don't have anyonefor you.
At the end, there were nomatches.
It says we don't have anyonefor you.

Speaker 2 (03:03):
I was like, oh my God , it would be like some guy.
It would be like Wilbur inIdaho.
You might have had too manyfilters.

Speaker 3 (03:07):
That might have been part of the problem too.
Probably Too many filters andboundaries.

Speaker 2 (03:11):
Yes.

Speaker 1 (03:11):
Things I don't want right.

Speaker 2 (03:13):
So, courtney, tell us about when you first started
the apps, about how old were youand about how old were you and
what was that experience like?

Speaker 3 (03:25):
Yeah, so Tinder was one of the first like phone apps
that came out.

Speaker 2 (03:33):
It was way before it became kind of like the hookup
app that it is now.
It was about like 2011,.
2012,.
Something like that.

Speaker 3 (03:37):
Yeah, I think you're about right because I think it
was about 30, 31 or so, and itwas new, it was novel.
It was something that I waslike, oh wow, this is cool, you
have your smartphone, you cankind of go on it and meet guys.
And so I made a profile, andnot much has changed from then
to what it is today, except thatwas the first one, and so it
was really fun to meet peoplewho you never would have

(03:58):
normally met, because you'realways going to maybe the same
bars with the same groups ofpeople, and this expanded your
universe.
And at the time again, becauseit was new for everybody, people
were genuine on it, and so Imet some really great guys, and
although obviously it didn'twork out with any of them, I'm
actually still friendly withsome of them.
We'll touch base here and thereand just say hello.

(04:18):
I recently helped one connectwith another friend for a
business venture, so it was justlike a fun, nice time, more
lighthearted.
More lighthearted Because atthat time, we were still doing
the traditional route, we werestill going out with our friends
, we were meeting guys at bars,we were getting picked up at
bars.

Speaker 1 (04:36):
Not everybody was on it, it was new it was new.
Now everybody's on it, but wewere saying earlier we were
discussing this, I find that alot of women that sort of that
are older like us, that friendsare married, have kids or you
know.
Whatever the situation isSometimes if you don't have
those work friends, or even ifthey're married, it's hard to

(04:58):
find people to go out with.

Speaker 2 (04:59):
It's hard to find other single women to connect
with, and often you findyourself doing these sorts of
things on your own Right, and ifyou're not comfortable doing it
on your own, like I have?

Speaker 1 (05:09):
no problem, I do, I've done everything on my own.
But if you're not comfortablewith something like that, this
does give you the option toalways have a reason to go out
If you have the time and youdon't have kids.
It gives you the excuse, so tosay, and you're not by yourself,
I mean you don't have kids.

Speaker 3 (05:25):
It gives you the excuse, so to say, and you're
not by yourself.
Yeah, it does.
It's also you know the thingtoo.
Today, in today's world, men donot pick up women the way they
used to.
So I could sit at a bar bymyself at the end of workday and
before I go home and have adrink and, just you know, hang
out.
No one's coming up to you theway they used to.
I could be out with a group ofgirlfriends.
Guys are not coming up to youand introducing themselves and

(05:47):
asking you to buy a drink.
And I've spoken with my singleguy friends and I'm like why do
you not do this anymore?
And they're like we just don'thave to.
So they can sit on their phoneand just scroll, scroll, scroll
and go out with a new girl everynight.
It was way easier than puttingin the effort and saying, which
is scary, I'm so-and-so, and youguys can actually chat and get
to know each other and decide ifyou even like each other to go

(06:08):
out again.
And that's not happening.
Back in the day I would be atthe best, coolest, most fun
restaurants.
I would sit there with a groupof girls and the host would come
over and say oh, the gentlemanover there brought you and your
friends dinner.
That happens.

(06:29):
I would go out and I would meetguys.
They'd buy you a drink and Iwould decide, yeah, this guy's
cool, we had a good conversation, I'll go out with him again
because you had the opportunityto get to know them, whereas
with the apps, unfortunately,it's come down to that, because
guys don't do that anymore, it'sbecome really easy for them to
find a new girl to go out withevery night.
Keep it super casual andunfortunately, what that does is
you wind up connecting withpeople who probably aren't great

(06:49):
for you, which is why a lot ofthese things don't work out.
But you don't know that becauseyou really haven't had a chance
to talk with them and get toknow them the way you used to
when you would meet them out.

Speaker 1 (07:00):
See now, when I go out, maybe because I go to
places where they're older morethan younger, yeah, so I'd say
40 and above, or restaurants.
So, as somebody that's never onthese apps, I will tell you
they do.
Do that, not that I'minterested in some of them, some
of them.
You know you are some of them,you aren't.

(07:21):
But here's another thing comingfrom my perspective if I'm out
and you're looking at me and youdon't have the wherewithal to
be able to tell the bartenderyou want to send me a drink I'm
just saying you know the guysthat are like oh, I don't have
to anymore, I'm just scrolling.
You can continue scrolling andharass those women, because if
you can't send over a drink,what kind of companion?

Speaker 2 (07:45):
are you, these men, I think, just to piggyback?
On what you said yeah, they'rejust, they've lost those kinds
of social skills.

Speaker 3 (07:52):
I agree they've lost those skills because they can
and I you know scary.

Speaker 1 (07:56):
I live in manhattan and it's probably worse.

Speaker 3 (07:59):
It is worse because a there's eight bazillion times
more women and there's any bigor any big city, any big city,
but Manhattan is notorious forbeing a tough dating scene.
I mean, it's written up in allthe different articles.
I think I sent you that article.
Yes, you did.
I forgot what it was.
It was paper magazine.

Speaker 2 (08:14):
I don't know what it was, but it was some survey that
showed that New York which itwasn't, what was not surprising
it's like is the sky blue, isthe grass green.
New York is the worst singlecity in like North America in
which for a single person tolive and meet people, because
there's so many options.
It's a big city.

Speaker 3 (08:34):
And also even if you are trying to still go out and
meet people, there's a millionbars and restaurants.
So the likelihood that you'regoing to actually connect with
someone at the one place in theone neighborhood of Manhattan
that you happen to be in, whenthere's 4,000 restaurants on the
same block, is not the same asif you live in a smaller city,
where there's just less options.
So now there's less places forpeople to go, so that makes it

(08:57):
difficult, but there's also justa lot of options.
There's a lot of verysuccessful women, a lot of
beautiful women, a lot ofsuccessful men, which I'm sure
this is for a lot of big citiesthat our listeners are listening
to.

Speaker 1 (09:09):
So what can you give us to help women navigate and
sort of jump over?
Because I see a lot of womenwriting on social media that go
on these apps and they're like,oh, he wants to.
You know, he's written me 50times and we haven't done a date
Like give us those most famousred flags that our viewers could

(09:33):
say up, that happened to me.
Run or up, wait.
This shouldn't be this way.

Speaker 3 (09:40):
Yeah, it's a good question.
So I think we everybody who'sbeen on the, on the apps should
have by now figured out whatthose red flags are.
They haven't Somebody who?

Speaker 1 (09:49):
They definitely haven't.
Let's go through them.
Yes, let's go through them.

Speaker 3 (09:52):
Somebody who writes you on the app or then maybe
asks for your number after, sothey can text or call, and then
doesn't follow up.
You know, if the guy's therelike every other day or you
write something and then hedoesn't write back till like 12
hours later, that's a red flag,because what it shows is the
person is just really notcommitted to the process.

(10:12):
They're not committed tofinding a person.
This is a person who is justmore committed to okay, who's
right by me right now.

Speaker 1 (10:19):
Swipe, swipe, swipe, let me go out just entertaining
himself or creating a roster, agroup of women, exactly Right.
So they should be excited.
When they click on you, however, it works, and they write you
and you write something back,you know, within a reasonable
amount of time, that day atleast, oh, absolutely.

Speaker 2 (10:38):
Some kind of intentionality and purpose.

Speaker 1 (10:41):
Okay, yeah, and.

Speaker 3 (10:42):
I think what's really important for women to know is
what they're looking for.
What are you looking for whenyou're on these apps?
Are you looking for arelationship?
Are you looking for marriage?
Are you looking to havechildren?
Are you just there for a goodtime, which is perfectly
acceptable as well?
Not everybody's there to findtheir mate for life, so I think
that's totally fine.
But once you know what that is,when you start making your

(11:05):
filters, you could be a littlebit more intentional with what
you're looking for.
So don't leave your filterstotally unchecked, because
you're going to attract guys whoprobably aren't going to be
right for you.
If you're not into somebody whoanything, doesn't have a
college degree, but you don'tcheck that off.
Well, now you're going to getguys who don't have college
degrees, which again totallyfine, but if that's not for you.

(11:27):
So make sure you're intentionalso that you're attracting the
right people.
Make sure your conversations aregood and they're not half-assed
just oh, I hear from you everyonce in a while.
That's not going to get you towhere you want to be and then
make sure that when you actuallydo have your conversations, you
enjoy them.
Are you enjoying the banter?
Does the content align withwhat you're looking for?

(11:50):
Do your values seem the same?
Have you done the same things?
Are you in the same place inyour life?
Are you then taking it off ofthe app to text message or phone
and then, within a reasonabletime, maybe that week or so, are
you guys meeting, and I thinksome people like to do a
facetime beforehand.

Speaker 1 (12:09):
Yeah, because I was just saying for all those ladies
that are just getting into theapps um, my question is always
you have this picture ofsomebody, you're getting on the
phone with them.
Yeah, maybe, maybe the banter'sgreat and it's aligning, but
you don't even know if thatpicture is the person.

Speaker 2 (12:29):
So yeah, worried about catfish.

Speaker 1 (12:32):
Or a picture from 10 years ago.
So we were discussing thisearlier.
I had said, if it were me,which it never is, but if it was
, I would immediately.
I don't care if my hair was upin a bun and I just got out of
the shower.
I would have to FaceTime themand actually physically see the

(12:55):
person is somewhat in the realmof who they said.
I mean, you said you've gone ondates and they're 10, 15 years
older than the picture.

Speaker 2 (13:03):
Absolutely, that's before.
I put like a process in placeto help me to have a more
successful date.

Speaker 1 (13:12):
And here's the other thing we were saying also you,
single, never married, no kids.
Now if I were on this app,allison, also single, no kids, I
feel like for those moms outthere getting into the dating
world who have kids, you werelike I'd rather plan the date,
meet them after work and thensee that they are who they are,

(13:35):
because it's only an hour drinkFor those moms like me, maybe
the old term, because I don'thave the time for that.
The kids are coming home fromschool, we're rushing from work,
we're, you know, going tofootball.
We don't have the time, maybeafter work, to go readily grab
that drink.
So then maybe for thoseapplicants, those women, the

(13:55):
FaceTime might be a quickone-shot deal to weed through.

Speaker 2 (13:59):
So just to backtrack a little.
So, courtney, when you firstwent on the apps, it was more
fun.
It was the advent of Tinder.
So as time elapsed and itbecame, it kind of evolved a bit
into a more serious kind ofplatform.
What was your experience likethen?

Speaker 3 (14:19):
Yeah, and how does that differ?
Like everybody else's, notright away, not right away, no,
but as it evolved to today,because now our listeners.

Speaker 1 (14:28):
Maybe they weren't on it back then, you know, but
they're on it today, yeah.

Speaker 2 (14:32):
So what I'm trying to ascertain is what were you
doing back then?
That is different from what youwere doing when you met your
guy.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 (14:44):
So you're right, it has evolved.
So it has evolved.

Speaker 3 (14:48):
You know it went from being a fun, novel, innovative
thing To a job, to a job.
It really becomes like afull-time job Again, if you're
looking for something serious,because you have to be on there
all the time, there's alwaysgoing to be new people and you
have to be the one to follow upon the conversations too.
You can't leave everything tothe guy.
So if you're interested insomeone and he writes you, you

(15:09):
have to check your app and thereare some apps that time out.
So if you don't get to theperson within 24 hours, the
Bumble Correct the.
Bumble, it will time out, andthen you lose that connection.

Speaker 1 (15:20):
Do you find that there is?
See, I don't know.
Do you find that there is agood turnover?
Because I see through, are wedating the same?
All these other social mediaapps that I'm on, I find someone
say, oh, he's on, every singlehe's on.

Speaker 2 (15:34):
Everyone is on everything.
Everyone is on everything.

Speaker 1 (15:37):
Is there a good?
Is there a turnover on thosethings?

Speaker 3 (15:41):
You see that you generally see the same people.
But what I've learnedinterestingly and this is a good
tip is so, initially, when youjoin these apps and this is what
I one of the things I starteddoing as I- became more serious
in my search.

Speaker 1 (15:52):
I'm sure you're overwhelmed because everybody
notices you're new.

Speaker 3 (15:56):
They can check, you can filter by, like, you can
sort by new, you could sort byanything though distance age,
but it's more about beingintentional with what you're
looking for, like you said yes,and that's really important.
That's something I starteddoing differently when I became
more serious and findingsomebody I had met.

(16:18):
I had met.
Let's see, I think I was in myearly 30s.
I was, I was with somebody.
I had a boyfriend.
We broke up and I saw itstarted to become harder and
harder to meet people out orthrough work or whatever.
I then met somebody elsethrough work.
We were together for about ayear and a half or so, and that
was ended when I was about 33.
And that's when things startedto get really difficult, because

(16:43):
now not just Tinder wasavailable, but Bumble Hinge, all
these different things, causeit was like, wow, this is a
billion dollar industry.
So there became so many.

Speaker 1 (16:53):
Exactly Now I can say one of the fortunate and I'm
sure, the pool of guys too,right.

Speaker 3 (16:58):
Some people were divorced now.

Speaker 1 (16:59):
Some people might have had kids now.
Right when before everybody,because you know, I see, even on
that, on the apps, as you getolder, people have more baggage.

Speaker 3 (17:09):
It does, but it also depends what your filters are.
So when I was 30, I was notlook on my list.

Speaker 1 (17:20):
You know, on my filters I didn't have guys 40
and over.

Speaker 3 (17:29):
You know, of course, now my boyfriend's nine years
older than me and I don't eventhink about it, but that's, you
know, when you're young thatmakes a difference.
So I wasn't meeting divorce.
Yeah, there was like one or two, I think.
There was a guy I met who wedated for like a month or two,
actually really nice guy, and hewas divorced, but it was more
of like an annulment because hegot married young and they
divorced after like 11 months.
But it wasn't the guys who,when I became in my late 30s or
when I was 40, who I was likeall right, now I'm going to find

(17:50):
a 10 years older and, yes,those guys are more likely going
to be divorced, and with kids.
Now, for me, having childrenwas not a priority for me.
I never really wanted to be amom I think I would make a great
one but my priority was alwaysfinding my perfect mate because
I knew I would have to be withhim for life.
My parents had been married for55 years.

(18:12):
They've set an unbelievableexample as to what love and
commitment and dedication lookslike, and I really wanted that
for myself.
So for me, finding the rightpartner was my priority over
children.
So when I got to the age whereI was like, all right, I can't
start dating the 35-year-oldsanymore, I got to date the
50-year-olds and so forth.
I knew I was going to likelymeet a guy who probably was

(18:34):
divorced with children.

Speaker 1 (18:36):
And that was okay for me because I thought stepkids
is great as long as they're nice, Not a bunch of little bitches,
but you know they're nice.

Speaker 3 (18:44):
And that would be.
That's okay with me, as long asthere was a good family and
everybody was okay with it.
So that was important to me,and so you adjusted your filter.

Speaker 2 (18:53):
I adjusted my filters Exactly.

Speaker 3 (18:56):
And when I started having more experiences and,
like you said earlier, a littlebit more baggage, if you will,
which is you know, I've learnedfrom relationships that hadn't
worked.
I've learned more about myself.
I've become more involved in mycareer.
I've become financiallysuccessful.
I don't need to rely onsomebody else, and I certainly
don't want to find somebodywho's going to rely on me.

(19:16):
I want to find somebody who isextremely smart.
I'm attracted to very smart men, so having a big degree, a big
job was important to me.
Again, those are the thingsthat when you're young, you're
not really thinking of.
As I got older obviously myparents are going to get older
who's going to be a good partnerso that, if God forbid
something happens, he's going tobe able to stick by me and help

(19:38):
me through those things, theway I will with him?
And so what I was looking forin a person really changed.
And that's how, when I was, youknow, kind of I guess I would
say I broke up with my lastboyfriend at 39 and I got back
on the apps again.
I was still trying to look forthat type of person.
And when you get more, I thinkserious and you know yourself

(20:04):
and you can be true to yourselfabout what's important to you,
what your non-negotiables are,what you're looking for, then
you can really easily talk to aguy or meet him out and say
you're looking for.
Then you can really easily, youknow, talk to a guy or meet him
out and say you're not familiar.
Like there's a, there's going tobe those signs.
He's, you know he's on hisphone the whole time you're on a
date or he's looking around ora pretty girl walks through and

(20:25):
he does one of these, like right, these are not the guys who are
going to make good husbands.
If, again, if that's whatyou're looking for and that's
how I really adjusted andstarted to know myself, know
what I was looking for at thisstage in my life and be able to,
you know, filter them out yeah,that's kind of what I wanted to
touch upon, and I know a lot ofdating coaches suggest that

(20:46):
women like literally sit downwith their like journal and
write a list of theirnon-negotiables.

Speaker 2 (20:54):
Like I could or I could deal with this right.
What is just an absolute no isthat?

Speaker 3 (20:59):
something that you did I didn't like literally make
a list.
I think I had it in my head.

Speaker 2 (21:04):
I am a list person.

Speaker 3 (21:05):
I still actually am super old school and I have an
agenda book.
Like I don't keep my calendarin my phone.
I love my little book.
I love that and also that's forlike and like.

Speaker 1 (21:13):
I've never been on the apps but we always talk
about this.
Everybody should have those,whether you're on the apps or
not.
On the apps in order to avoidtoxic relationships or wasting
your time you have to adhere tothose standards.

Speaker 2 (21:28):
You know what I'm saying.
You have to be true to yourself.
You have to first start to knowyourself.

Speaker 3 (21:31):
And you have to be true to yourself.
You have to first start to knowyourself and you have to be
ready for this journey.
Like if you're just out of arelationship and you're not
ready to do this because itreally is a commitment, then
don't or just be on to justcasually look, of course, that's
fine.
But, like you have to know,like you said, who you are and
what you're looking for.
What is a non-negotiable?
What for what is anon-negotiable?

(21:51):
What can you compromise on?
And what do you absolutely need?

Speaker 2 (21:59):
And as you get older, you realize that list changes
drastically.

Speaker 3 (22:00):
It can change as you go.

Speaker 1 (22:01):
Yes, because you have different needs, you're a
different person at 40 than youare at 30.

Speaker 3 (22:04):
And you have to know what those things are.
And you become I would say yourlist of your non-negotiables
actually gets smaller becauseyou realize that you're a good
person.
Now you don't need somebody theway you might have needed them
when you were 25.
You contribute so much to therelationship, so your
non-negotiables become smaller.
What you're willing tocompromise on becomes smaller,

(22:26):
but what you absolutely needshould not change.
If you need somebody who isgoing to be 100% trustworthy and
loyal, you cannot say, oh gosh,that was a weird thing he's
keeping his phone away.

Speaker 2 (22:39):
Oh, I'm not going to think about it.

Speaker 3 (22:40):
No, no, that's a flag .

Speaker 2 (22:42):
Think about it, because that's not going to end
well.
So you're just like inobservation mode.
You're not necessarily, whicheverybody should be right.

Speaker 1 (22:50):
Whether you meet on an app or not.
But like for me, if I were tosay, okay, I'm gonna go on the
apps.

Speaker 2 (22:58):
Like for somebody and I'm gonna get you on those one
day, I promise you.
Oh my god, there's no way.

Speaker 1 (23:03):
But if you, if you, if I met you, and you're like oh
my god, I've been on these appsfor 22 years, what advice would
you give me?
yeah, yeah, so at some point youhave to do some self-reflection
, right, right so, but for onceyou're, once you're, we're
totally like, for instance, forall the women out there like a
like a me or you, that we haveour boundaries, we have our shit

(23:27):
together.
I have my job, I have my house,I don't have to depend on a man.
I know what I will and will andmy filters and everything Like,
once you go on that app, whatadvice can you give women that
can navigate them so like, somuch quicker, like for all the
authentic ladies out there Ihave a guy sends you a drink
from across the bar how to act,what to look for what you know,

(23:56):
blah, blah, blah, blah.
To navigate yourself throughdating.
Yeah, what can you give them tonavigate themselves through
this dating app?
For people that are justgetting on it, people that are
having trouble with it, womenthat just repetitively are kind
of just falling down with it andjust aren't getting it, or they
end up being pen pals, or theyend up getting one night stands,

(24:19):
or they end up just getting,even though they have their
filters.

Speaker 2 (24:23):
One thing, just before Courtney goes into her
answer, I just have to say likeI feel there are a lot of women
who present as they have it alltogether.
They think that they know whatthey're getting into and they're
doing things the right way, butwhen they see a shiny object
that is six foot four, and hehas the most gorgeous blue eyes,

(24:45):
but that's on them yes.
But I'm just saying this is areal, real thing where all that
stuff goes out the window andthose are we dating the same guy
pages.
When you look at those problemsthat women have, the the volume
of problems is because oh, buthe was my type, he looks just
the way I want a guy to.

(25:05):
All of a sudden, all thoseboundaries, all of those hard
line things go out the windowand in the moment it is very
difficult sometimes to adhere tothose things.
You have a big shiny object andyou're like, oh my God, and
just the hormones are flowingand you see, ladies, you need to

(25:26):
get your shit together.
A lot of women do not have that.
They think they do, but theyreally don't.

Speaker 1 (25:30):
I'm letting you know with the scenario that Allison's
giving.
You've got to get your shittogether Because let me tell you
something, there could be theshiniest $10 million object
right over there.
He could be tall, dark,handsome and the CEO of Sephora,
my favorite company, and ifhe's got young kids and had only
been divorced six months, I'mgoing to tell them to go take a

(25:53):
shiny ass over there.
Ladies, you need to get yourshit together.
That's a boundaries episode,but we can't get your shit
together for you.
You got to get your shittogether.
But once you get your shittogether and then you're like
I'm ready, which only you knowwhen you're ready, even if
you're divorced or just broke upwith somebody, you have to be

(26:14):
ready, and especially whenyou're older, if you're younger
ladies, and you're in your 20sor you're 19 or you know late
20s, before 30, go do your thing.

Speaker 3 (26:25):
You don't need your shit together so much, but
you're in your 30s and 40s.

Speaker 1 (26:29):
like us, you better have your shit together and not
have some shiny Bulgari necklaceweaning you in when you have $5
in your bank account.

Speaker 2 (26:38):
So we're assuming that you are, you know
Absolutely, you have yourselftogether.
Yes and so Courtney.

Speaker 1 (26:44):
You don't have your shit together by 40.
We're all in trouble.
Ladies, Get your shit together.

Speaker 2 (26:49):
So what are?
Some kind of.

Speaker 1 (26:52):
Navigate us.

Speaker 3 (26:52):
Do you have some kind ?

Speaker 2 (26:53):
of process or there are certain things you are doing
, that like kind of, if you'resitting there on tinder, how
would you go about things in away that would avoid the red
flags yeah most benefit, yousure?
Yeah, yeah.
So first of all, don't be ontinder.

Speaker 3 (27:11):
Yeah, that's aup app, which is, if that's what you're
looking for, fabulous.
Okay, but what are the bestones?
If you're looking for arelationship, yeah, I still
think some of the most popularand broadest ones are Bumble,
hinge and even Match to a degree.
But here's one of the tips Ihad failed to mention earlier

(27:31):
that I think is really important.
Yeah, here's one of the tips Ihad failed to mention earlier
that I think is really important.
Yeah, these apps give you anoption for free and they give
you like a service that youcould pay for.
Okay, initially I was likethere is no way I'm paying $50 a
month.
I can't even believe I'm onthese apps.
I can't believe I have to dothis.
I barely want to do it as it is, this sucks.
I'm not giving them any money.
I as it is, this sucks, I'm notgiving them any money.

(27:56):
I can tell you the three timesI was like fuck it.

Speaker 2 (28:00):
I'm giving them money is the three times I met my
last three boyfriends, includingmy current.
So pay.
People have a little bit moreskin in the game.

Speaker 3 (28:03):
Not only do they have more skin in the game, but the
apps allow the user who paysmore options, so you can filter
with more advanced filters.

Speaker 2 (28:13):
Which makes sense.

Speaker 3 (28:14):
You have longer times to yes, to connect with your
your, your, your your matches.

Speaker 1 (28:22):
Thank you.

Speaker 3 (28:23):
You see people who you might not have other seen.
So, depending on the app, readwhat the perks so it opens it up
when you pay.

Speaker 1 (28:30):
Yes, there's a paywall there.

Speaker 3 (28:31):
There is a paywall and it says what those perks are
that you get when you pay, andyou get more options, you get to
see more people and whateverthe app is, it's actually better
, and one of the guys I met wason Match, one was on Hinge and
one was on Bumble and I paid forall of them and they were great
guys.

Speaker 2 (28:49):
Again, it In the scheme of things, it kind of
burns you to quick.

Speaker 1 (29:01):
It does.

Speaker 2 (29:02):
But I could concur with you that my experiences on
the apps have been moresuccessful.
If I just forked out themonthly, just do it for a month.
Well, I was just going to saydo it for a month.

Speaker 3 (29:14):
What I always did was I would sign up, I'd give them
my credit card through my phone,pay, I'd get the confirmation,
and then I went right into theapp and I canceled the renewal,
yes.
And then I took a screenshotand I said, okay, this is not
automatically renewing nextmonth.
Then if I decided I wanted todo it again, I would just do it
again manually.
It so happens and I'm not justsaying this that I never had to

(29:38):
renew.
It was one month and I met thelast guy.
Then I met the guys.
So never had to renew.
It was one month and I met thelast guy.
Then I met the guys.
So it does open up more.
So I would say first, if you'rereally committed, do pay.
I know it's like annoying, butit's another thing to pay for,
but it's an investment in yourfuture, like any other
investment that you might make,so do pay.

Speaker 1 (29:54):
So after they pay and then they get online and they
match with a few men, you havethat great intentional
conversation.
You did your filters, you haveyour shit together.
You find three or four guys.
They answer your texts backbecause we discussed about that.
They've gone back and forthwith you Within the week.

(30:16):
They've asked, you've exchangedphone numbers, you've talked to
them on your phone.
You've planned to meet for adate.

Speaker 2 (30:24):
So just to pause right there.
So did you have any issues?
I feel like a lot of women justhave a problem right there,
like where you match with peopleand it's crickets, yep, and
they can't even get to the nextstage.

Speaker 1 (30:37):
That is a thing, right.
But she said, get rid of thoseguys yeah.

Speaker 3 (30:43):
It stage.
That is a thing, right.
But she said get rid of thoseguys.
Yeah it happens, you're gonnahave more bad experiences than
you are good you have to knowthat going in and you have to
set that expectation becauseyou're meeting a bazillion
people and they all don't havethe intentions that you have.

Speaker 1 (30:56):
They all have different intentions, exactly.
Liars, catfishers, all thestuff, a lot of people get so
frustrated and they take itpersonally.

Speaker 2 (31:05):
And then they, they, just they're like they turn in
the towel.

Speaker 3 (31:08):
Don't take it personally because they don't
even know you to take itpersonally, but know that this
is a job, it's a numbers game.
That's something my familyalways told me.
It only takes one allison youhad said that to me before we
started.
It's a numbers game.
The more people you meet, themore horrendous people you toss
to the side you're going tofinally find the one.

Speaker 1 (31:30):
It sounds like you have to have your shit together
and be filter ready.

Speaker 3 (31:38):
You have to be filter ready, but you have to know
that you're going to get a lotof people who have to be
grounded and strong andconfident in yourself.

Speaker 2 (31:45):
You absolutely do.
That's what I know, who you areknow what you're looking for.

Speaker 3 (31:48):
You're gonna have people who don't respond great,
you're gonna have guys, you know, or, or girls, it's not, you
know, but who want to make adate, and they'll say great, you
know, let's go out thursday atsix o'clock, I'll meet you here,
here.
You'll never hear from them.
And then you don't hear fromthem.
So then you're like, let mejust make sure we're still on.
And you go to confirm like, hey, joe, are we still on for
tonight and crickets.

(32:08):
So you're like get rid of thatone Are you kidding with this
person?
And yes, of course, get rid ofthem, but some women don't.

Speaker 1 (32:22):
Well, I don't Bizarro , the guy just stood you up.
Oh, my dog died.
I'm so sorry, you know all thethings Once in a while.
There could be a legit excuse.

Speaker 3 (32:25):
I'd still get rid of him Once in a while I've had a
bad day at work.
And I'm like I really I can'tgo tonight, like I'm not going
to be a good date and I would,but then I would text the guy
and I would say I'm so sorry.
Today's been a really bad day.
What works for you?
And then I would make good onit.
But if I just canceled and Ihave done this and I'm like you
know what I?

Speaker 1 (32:44):
know, this guy isn't for me.

Speaker 3 (32:45):
I'm just saying you know what.
I'm really sorry, I don't thinkthis is going to work.
I'm going to go ahead andcancel, but I wouldn't do it six
seconds before the date and Iwouldn't stand him up.
But you are going to get that.
So know your expectations.
I think if people can setexpectations realistic
expectations for themselves, setthem low, yeah, don't have
expectations necessarily.
Even You're going to feel lessdisappointed and less frustrated

(33:08):
, because 99% of the time youare not going to find the guy,
it's going to be the one timethat you connect, and what's so
important is timing.
You know, I met my boyfriendvery soon after I broke up with
my last.
He had just stopped seeingsomeone.
If we both weren't in thatexact time, it's like fate that

(33:29):
we wouldn't have met.
Also, though, once you've donewhat you say and you've gone
through all the people whodidn't write back and you
finally agree to meet in person,don't make it an interview.

Speaker 2 (33:42):
I am so glad you brought this up, because this
and we as women, because ourclocks are ticking and our time
is so much more preciousinherently than a man's time we
tend to make the date aninterview process.
And it's very stale and it'snot conversational.

(34:02):
You're not having fun.
You're there with an agenda.

Speaker 1 (34:05):
You might as well have a and I could see that too,
because like and here's anotherlike, this is why this isn't
for me, all this stuff thatwe're talking about.
When I go out and I meetsomebody at the restaurant, yeah
, all this stuff is done beforeI even leave the restaurant.
You know what I'm saying.

(34:25):
You buy me the drink.
I think you're cute from acrossthe bar, you walk around, I
know you're you, so we skip that.
And then I'm like hey, what'syour name?
Oh, melissa Bubba, what do youdo?
What's your store?

Speaker 3 (34:40):
All this, it's so hard, but that initial
conversation that you're havingat the bar is still
conversational, Not the.
That would be the same exactconversation that you should be
having if you meet a guy.

Speaker 1 (34:53):
So what do you mean in an interview?
Because what happens is you'renot organically meeting him out.

Speaker 3 (34:59):
In your situation.
You are.
So, it just becomes a very hey,cool, like where you from, what
do you do?
Kids, blah, blah.
In our situation we're meetingthe guy for the first time in
person and because people feellike, okay, I'm here for this
one drink, I don't know if I'mgonna like him.
We have this hour.
Let's just say I'm just gonnabe like hey, what do you do?
Where you're from, do you havechildren, do you?

Speaker 2 (35:18):
have siblings where?

Speaker 1 (35:19):
Do you have siblings?
Do you want kids for you?
Where'd you go to school?
Where'd you go to camp?
Oh, I see what you're saying.
It's all at once and not thatorganic flow, and it's just not
fun.

Speaker 3 (35:27):
And so don't, even though it feels like a job and I
would say, yes, you have to beas committed to this as a job
don't make it work.
Make it fun for you, be excitedto get dressed, do your hair,
put your makeup on, feel pretty.
That alone sometimes raisesyour spirits when you're feeling
crappy about situations.

(35:48):
Go out, enjoy a nice cocktail,glass of wine, coffee, a walk
whatever it is you're doing andmake it fun.
I almost never asked thosequestions to guys when I was on
dates.
I wanted to make it an actualconversation.
So I would say, hey, how wasyour day?
Oh, it was all right.
Oh, you know my boss.

(36:08):
Oh, yeah, what happened?
Or, oh, you know, tell me moreabout that.
And then the conversation isjust fun.

Speaker 2 (36:16):
Yeah, and you'll get answers to those questions.
They will just find their wayweave their ways into the
conversation instead of goingthrough a checklist and it feels
like a checklist.

Speaker 3 (36:27):
And think about it the other way.
If you put yourself in a guy'sshoes or you're the one where a
guy is going through hischecklist and you're not, that's
not gonna be fun, you're alsogonna be like oh, this guy's
just looking for certain thingsLike I don't like just because I
went to like this school orwhatever doesn't mean like it's
just, it's not natural.
Yeah, don't make it work.
Don't make it an interview, andeven when you have those types

(36:49):
of conversations, you're gonnapretty soon be able to decide
you know what.
This was nice.
I'd like to see this guy againand learn more about him, or?
Fine, thank you for the drink.
This isn isn't going to workout.

Speaker 1 (37:00):
You're a weirdo.
This isn't going to work.
I feel like women that happensand wait what happens.
Also, we should tell ladiesbecause this for me, because I'm
thinking of all the questions Ihave here what happens if you
go.
You sit there and you haven'tFaceTimed right.

Speaker 3 (37:16):
I never FaceTimed and you realize either.

Speaker 1 (37:19):
A this man is not the picture.

Speaker 2 (37:21):
He said he was and that has happened to me plenty
of times or B he's 10 yearsolder, Sure that has happened or
?

Speaker 1 (37:28):
I don't know, 100 pounds thinner or 100 pounds
heavier that has happened.

Speaker 3 (37:32):
Not your type.
Now wait a minute.

Speaker 1 (37:33):
Or you think he's a little crazy and you're scared,
yeah.

Speaker 3 (37:38):
What do you do, all right?
So, first and foremost, youalways meet at a public place Of
course.

Speaker 2 (37:43):
But it still could be uncomfortable.
Ps, by the way.

Speaker 1 (37:48):
Somebody's calling me .
I gotta go Tell us what you do.

Speaker 3 (37:52):
I'm a very honest person, I'm also very direct, so
everybody, all my friends, myfamily, my team at work,
everybody knows me.
You're gonna get it Good, bador ugly.
You're going to hear it as itis.
But some women are shy anduncomfortable and that's okay.
You should do what'scomfortable.
But I think in the end peopledo appreciate the truth.
So on the being afraid ofsomebody, let's put that up to

(38:13):
the side for just a second.
If you just feel like thisguy's not going to be for me, no
problem.
When you have a conversation,by the time you're done and
decide he's not for you, youfinish the drink.
If he likes you, he's gonna saywould you like another drink?
And if you don't like him,simply say no, thank you, it was
really nice meeting you and bedone.
And if he says to you, can Isee you again?

(38:34):
You know when, would you liketo go out again, or something
like that, and you're notinterested, say I've really
enjoyed meeting you.
I don't think this is going tobe long-term for me.
I don't see us really connectingbut thank you again for the
drink.

Speaker 1 (38:45):
You do that, even if the guy's 10 years older or
looks like the picture.
Well, here's the thing.

Speaker 3 (38:53):
You can't be superficial, you see that but
they lie.

Speaker 1 (38:56):
Okay, but of course, why can't I be?

Speaker 3 (38:57):
Well, let's just well , because you still don't know
what their insecurities are orwhat they're trying to portray.
And they could be a nice personNow if they come and they're 90
and they have a picture ofthemselves when they're 25, fine
If they put a picture ofthemselves when they had hair
and now they're starting to loseit.

Speaker 1 (39:14):
Well, that's what I'm talking about, but that doesn't
happen.

Speaker 3 (39:18):
It happens all the time.
But that's not what we'resaying.
What we're saying is, yes, theycould be a slight variation of
their photos.
It's never been a drastic likewho is this kind of a thing?
But there could be variations.
Okay, fine, a small variation,fine, right.
And so when you meet them, youmight be like, oh, that stinks,
this guy's not what he lookedlike in the photos.

(39:39):
But I'm here now, I'm not goingto turn around and leave.
You make the best of it, and youmight realize that you actually
still connect with the person,because the reasons you
connected with him initiallyfrom what he wrote on his
profile, from the conversationsyou had before you met are the
same reasons.
You may connect in person ormay not.
Now again, if he's drasticallydifferent in some way, to the

(40:01):
point where you're like thisguy's clearly a liar.

Speaker 1 (40:03):
Like it's just right.
Well, that's what I was gettingto.

Speaker 3 (40:06):
If you feel like I've been lied, you can say listen,
you know what, this is not whoyou portrayed like this.
This picture person is just notyou and I don't feel
comfortable.

Speaker 2 (40:15):
Great, then you could , then you absolutely should
necessarily have to say that youjust could just you, you know
wrap up that date, and then when?
He contacts you just say, likeyou said before, thank you for
your time.
I enjoyed whatever.
I just don't think this is amatch.
That's it.
Wrap it up.

Speaker 1 (40:30):
So always go for a quick coffee, a quick drink,
never really a lunch, breakfastor dinner.
It'll go well, It'll be quite ameal.

Speaker 3 (40:37):
Meals take too long take too long.

Speaker 1 (40:41):
So people will always say like oh, let's have dinner.
And I'm like oh well, I don'teven know you like, right, I
don't have dinner with you.
So that's another good tip gofor a quick drink and sometimes
the drink turns into dinner sothat's actually what happened
with my current boyfriend.

Speaker 3 (40:50):
We met for a drink after work.
We're having a great time andhe's like are you hungry?
I'm like, yeah, yeah, let's eatso we started ordering and we
wound up having this like don'tknow three hour date because we
were enjoying.
And that's when you know, ofcourse things are good and you
don't know everything about theperson, but that's sometimes.
It will naturally turn intothat which is really great.
But when you're in a situationwhere you feel scared I had a

(41:15):
date once with a guy I met, itwas the and actually, you know,
on the different apps, theyprompt you to answer certain
questions as part of yourprofile.
This was one of my prompts and Iput it in because it was
bananas.
We were sitting there.
First of all, the guy showed up.
He looked like Paul Bunyan.
I don't know what his ensemblewas, but it was bizarre.
Did he have an ax Close?

(41:35):
We were sitting at this barhaving a drink and at one point
in the conversation he turned tome and he very seriously said
have?

Speaker 1 (41:49):
you ever killed anyone?
Oh god, there you go.
See, this is what I'm talkingabout but have you killed anyone
, courtney?

Speaker 3 (41:55):
tbd.
Um, I have a list, no, but Ithink that's a bizarro right
this is what I'm talking about.

Speaker 1 (42:02):
that's a bizarro question, right, this is what
I'm talking about.

Speaker 3 (42:03):
That's a question that did make me feel
uncomfortable, because it's notlike, oh my gosh, like are both
of your parents still alive, ordid you ever have a pet who died
?
Like that would be normal-ish,I guess, but have you ever
killed anyone?
Like what?

Speaker 1 (42:15):
What kind of question is that?

Speaker 3 (42:16):
So that was like so weird and so I.
We finished our drink and I waslike no hopefully wasn't
drugged at that point Right, butagain this is why you're out in
public and we finished thedrink and I got into a cab and I
went home and I never,obviously, I blocked him from my
apps and I never spoke with himagain.
So that's why, again, it'salways important to meet in a

(42:38):
public place.

Speaker 1 (42:39):
Don't have a person pick you up or take you home.

Speaker 3 (42:42):
Take an Uber, take a cab wherever you are.
Don't bring your friends along.
Girls I hear this all the timetoo Like, oh, I'm nervous, I'm
going to bring my friends.
No, if a guy brought hisfriends to the date no babies,
it's just a bad look.
No, don't have them waiting atanother table.
You are a grown woman.

(43:08):
But just be safe so that if youdo find yourself in a situation
that is beyond uncomfortablelike that, you can comfortably
get out of it.
Let your friends, let someoneknow.
Let a friend know that you'reout.
Yeah, my parents always knewwhere I was my sister, you know,
everybody knew right.

Speaker 1 (43:13):
Yeah, yeah, okay, good, good, good good and what
else what?
Any other types of tips forthese dating apps?

Speaker 3 (43:21):
yeah, I would say, like, just you know, don't give
up.
I've wanted to give up manytimes on the process.
It's taken me this long to findmy person and I would say that
if you are feeling hopeless, youfeel frustrated with the
process, you're like forget it,I'm going to just quit my job,

(43:41):
move to an island and like opena tiki hut, which I have
considered, so you did get tothat point yeah it does because
these apps are draining.
There are a lot of work, thereare money and you're meeting
more bad.
You're having more bad dates orbad experiences than you are
good ones, and you get to thepoint where you're just feeling
like I can't do this anymore.

(44:02):
What were some things that keptyou going, knowing that it's
what I wanted?
I know how hard it is to datein my city of Manhattan and,
despite my best efforts ofworking in a career where I'm
meeting a lot, of Tons of peopleVery smart very wealthy, very
attractive men.
They weren't the men I waslooking for.
Living in a city, like you said, where there's a ton of guys

(44:25):
wealthy, wealthy, attractive,smart guys hard to find the
right one and despite my effortsto go out, join clubs, be in
the right job industry, all thedifferent things I still wasn't
meeting organically the guys,anybody who worked right, and so
the apps became another avenueto try to find a person.

Speaker 2 (44:48):
It's just a tool.

Speaker 3 (44:48):
It's a tool, and you might go on them and all of a
sudden be in a fender bender andthe guy who bumped into you
might be the guy you end up with.
Things can happen, but don'tgive up because, as frustrated
as you feel, as hopeless as youmay feel, it only takes that one
and if you give up, you aredestined to not meet the person

(45:11):
like no one's coming andknocking at your door and being
like hi, I'm here there's noprince charming do you?

Speaker 1 (45:17):
think the apps are also doable, so to say, for the
divorced mothers out there foreveryone, because their time.
They have to get a sitter.
They have to.

Speaker 3 (45:30):
You have to be committed, and that's where the
commitment comes from.
Yes, I'm not saying to or beable to afford it or be able to
afford it, but yes, I mean you,if, if this is a tool that can
work for you in your life, yourfinancial status.

Speaker 1 (45:44):
How much are they monthly?

Speaker 3 (45:45):
It depends, some are 50, some are 30.

Speaker 1 (45:47):
Okay, around the $50 mark.

Speaker 3 (45:49):
Yeah, but you of course.
It's just a tool.
It's not that you have to usean app to meet somebody.
You don't have to do anything.
You can meet somebody at thegrocery store, like anything it
just increases your chances.
It just increases your chances,and so if you are committed to
the process and you have youngkids, yes, you'll have to find a
parent who can watch them, or afriend or a sitter.

Speaker 1 (46:09):
Because there's a lot of going out for that initial
drink.
It seems to me, listening, thatis really the main part of it.
To get through it is, it is.

Speaker 3 (46:20):
But that also could be an hour, so maybe you pay the
sitter for an hour or an hourand a half if you're taking in
travel time.
Whatever it is, it doesn'tnecessarily need to be seven
hours, so it could be quick, butit could be frequent, exactly.

Speaker 1 (46:33):
But just so the moms kind of understand the process
and what it has to be, because,like me, mondays we have
skateboarding, tuesday nights wehave ninja.

Speaker 3 (46:43):
So then Mondays and Tuesdays are going to be out, so
maybe you have a day of theweek.

Speaker 1 (46:47):
Let's just say Fridays or whatever that works.

Speaker 3 (46:49):
So now you make your dates on Friday afternoons or
Friday evenings no differentthan if you met a guy at the
supermarket and it's a Mondayand he's like would you like to
go out?
And you're like you know what?
This week is busy for me.
How does Friday?

(47:11):
So whatever day works for you,make it that day and if you're
committed to the process, justkeep getting out there because
you are 100% guaranteed to notmeet anybody sitting at home
doing nothing.
But if you're doing something,if you're proactive on the apps
and you're committed to itbecause this is what you want,
you have to just do it, you haveto be on it and you have to not
give up, because if you give up, you're not, you're lowering
your chances.

Speaker 1 (47:29):
Back at the same spot you were before.

Speaker 3 (47:31):
Right and it's not to say again.
I don't want the listeners toget the feeling that they have
to be on the apps to meetsomebody.
This is an app, sort of centricpodcast today, so that's why
we're focusing on it.
But you know, for those of youwho know from me right, don't
feel like that's like what youhave to be doing to meet a guy,
but just know that if that's theavenue you're pursuing, don't

(47:53):
give up and and just know thatat some point you will connect.
It's, it's.
It takes one and I'm livingproof of it and I've dated
wonderful men.
None of them have been toxic.

Speaker 1 (48:10):
I've had great experiences great relationships,
but they weren't for me.
But you filtered well and youfiltered them out.

Speaker 3 (48:14):
Well, because I've always been pretty true to
myself and I know what I'mlooking for, and when there was
a situation or something thatwould occur that I knew wasn't
for me, I'm done.
I can't waste time.

Speaker 1 (48:24):
I think a lot of women make excuses.
I think this is an easy way tomake an excuse, sort of like oh
he was really busy.
That's why it took him two,three weeks.
Or oh, you know what?
He stayed late at work.

Speaker 3 (48:37):
You're absolutely right, it takes two seconds to
make a call.
Or somebody breaks a date andthen they don't reschedule.
Or you ask to FaceTime and theydon't.
Or you ask for recent picturesand they don't send them, or you
don't see them on social mediaand you don't know who they are.

Speaker 2 (48:50):
There's no reason to keep these people around Exactly
Well, that's what I'm trying tosay.

Speaker 1 (48:54):
You have to be committed to that filtering
process also.
And if you're not good at that,ladies?

Speaker 2 (49:06):
this may not be the avenue for you, perhaps exactly,
but those same skills that youhave with dating IRL, in real
life.

Speaker 1 (49:10):
They translate to this yeah, but I feel like if I
was on that app, I'd meet a tonmore and have to filter a ton
more than me going out naturally.
When I go out, naturally, it'sone, two here and there.
It's not as difficult as itsounds.

Speaker 3 (49:24):
And I know, because you're not on them, you're not
exactly like.

Speaker 1 (49:28):
Sure of what we're talking about, but it's you're
going to like.

Speaker 3 (49:31):
So I think you swipe left for no and right for yes,
like every single time, it's aleft.

Speaker 2 (49:37):
It's a left most of the time.
I don't get a Tinder swindler.
Did you see that it was?

Speaker 1 (49:40):
crazy.
Oh my God, it was great.
Watch out for those too, theprivate jet ones.

Speaker 2 (49:43):
My enemies are after me.

Speaker 1 (49:46):
And also, like that's a perfect example too, the
Tinder swindler, if somethingseems so freaking, outrageous,
if it walks like a duck, youknow, and talks like a duck it
is a duck it is, and trust yourgut, you know.

Speaker 3 (49:58):
Yes to your point, melissa.
So many women want to make anexcuse because they feel
desperate because, they feelhelpless.
The pickings are slim out therethe pickings are slim and so
you make excuses.
Oh well, he was busy.
Oh well, enough with theexcuses In your gut.

(50:19):
If you feel that something isoff, it is, and the more time
you waste trying to make excusesto make it work with this guy
because he's 6'4 and shiny orwhatever.

Speaker 1 (50:24):
The Cartier bracelet.

Speaker 3 (50:27):
Is less time that you're going to have spending
finding the right person.
So, instead of taking your timeand investing your energies in
the wrong guy, invest them inthe time finding the right guy.

Speaker 1 (50:41):
And I think it's really important, which we've
discussed before.
Even if it's just one of yourboundaries, it doesn't have to
make sense to you or to youStick with it.
You know what I mean.
Ceo of sephora, but he's gotthree young kids under the age

(51:04):
of 10 and he, you know, is justas six months into his divorce.
Those are like two boundariesfor me that I, you gotta leave
the sephora ce shiny thing overthere and you gotta keep moving
over here like don't change,your, don't get so frustrated
and so down that you're like, ohmy god, I, I've been on this

(51:26):
app for six months that you bendyour boundaries and accept
things that you Exactly.
But here's this shiny thing thisis the first guy that even
looked.

Speaker 3 (51:35):
Great, let me just Well remember that.
Yes, looks are awesome.
You always want to findsomebody you're attracted to,
but it's not everything.
At the end of the day, looksfade.
Our looks are going to fade,His looks, we're all going to
get old and wrinkly andeverything else, but what's left
is the person's character.
What's left is is he going tolook at you and nobody else,

(51:56):
even when you are 100 and yourboobs are down to your ankles
and he's still going to thinkyou look beautiful?
Is he going to be that partnerthat when you have to take care
of a sick parent, he's besidesyou doing so?
Or is he out with the guyshaving a drink?
Whatever is important to youand I'm not saying that what is
important to me is important toeverybody on this show, but
whatever is important to you arethe things to your point that

(52:18):
you can't make excuses for andyou can't brush under the rug if
you feel like they're not there, because ultimately it will
lead to the demise of therelationship and ultimately
you're going to find yourselfback at square one, which is why
, although I've had wonderfulmen in my life, they were not
for me because they didn't meetmy non-negotiables and I knew

(52:39):
that if I had married them andwe went ring shopping together
and we did all the things, but Iknew if I had pulled that
trigger, I would be divorced andfor me, like I said earlier,
finding that right person wasmore important than anything
else.
I don't want to go through adivorce.
I've seen it with friends andfamily members and it's not good
.

Speaker 1 (52:58):
And when you were dating somebody.
Let's say how long did it takeyou to see that your
non-negotiables came?

Speaker 3 (53:06):
up.
It depended, it depended.

Speaker 1 (53:08):
And what?

Speaker 3 (53:08):
did you do about it?
Well, I broke up with them, butit was sometimes.
It was immediate.
If there was, like, let's say,a two month relationship, and
you see it pretty soon and forthe more long-term relationships
, it wasn't that, you know,anything specific necessarily
might've happened.
It was just that you can see,you're different.
Your values are not aligned.
The things that you want inyour future they may not want,

(53:32):
but it takes time to uncoverthat.
But as soon as you startrealizing those things, that's
when you have to startconsidering walking away,
because those aren't going tochange, especially as we get
older.
We all are who we are.
We're not changing.
Our values aren't changing.
What we want out of life isn'tchanging.
We're not 20 anymore.

Speaker 1 (53:49):
This is so important.
It is, this is so important.
And so many women waste so muchtime because they're like, oh
my God, I'm in it for a year anda half.
Well it's not.
I want kids a half.
Well, it's not.
I want kids and I thought Icould change him.

Speaker 3 (54:10):
It's not so bad that he doesn't want kids and then
they get married and then theyresent.

Speaker 1 (54:13):
and what wasn't so bad on day one, 10 years later?

Speaker 3 (54:16):
It's bad, and what I can tell you from from one of my
experiences is my, um, like twoboyfriends ago, I met when I
was 36 and we broke up when Iwas 39.
Now that was a very crucialdecision I had made, because the
reasons you just said, Melissa,it was a big birthday coming up
.
I was 39.

(54:37):
I was like am I serious?

Speaker 1 (54:38):
I'm going to have to get back out there again.
I have to start.
Oh, we were living together.

Speaker 3 (54:42):
We were ingrained in each other's families.

Speaker 1 (54:45):
But I realized that.
I realized I say don't move inwith anybody too quick don't
well.

Speaker 3 (54:49):
We didn't move in too quick, but sometimes you don't
get to know somebody that welluntil you live with them.
So you know it's kind of like acatch 22.
Trust me, I've moved.
I live in the city more timesmoving is such a pain.
I'm going to be doing it againin a couple of months, but that
is small potatoes moving,compared to Marry him, of course
.

(55:10):
And so I would say that when Ifinally made the decision after
I think it was about two yearsin that, I realized this was
probably not a relationship thatwas going to work for me.
But we were working on it.
We were really trying to see ifwe could come to more of an
alignment and we couldn't.
And so I said to myself I'vebeen in it for three years, I

(55:30):
could just marry him and I couldjust have my life, and I'm
probably not going to be ashappy as I could.
But what am I going to do?
I'm going to go out there again.
What happens if I don't findsomething better.

Speaker 1 (55:40):
What happens if I find something worse?

Speaker 2 (55:42):
I know it's such a limiting belief that women have.

Speaker 3 (55:45):
Yes, it is, and I can tell you, men don't have that
belief.
Yeah, oh, they don't.

Speaker 2 (55:49):
Absolutely not.
So why do we Like it'smasochistic?
And why?

Speaker 3 (55:52):
Because we have more of a clock biologically,
especially for those women whowant children and so forth.
But what I realized after a lotof time I don't make quick
decisions, I spend a lot of time.

Speaker 1 (56:09):
any decision in my life really thinking about
before I pull the trigger.

Speaker 3 (56:10):
I mean even buying a couch.
I take a lot of time, and onceI make the decision, though, I'm
very, very confident in thedecision I had made, because I
spent a lot of time thinking itthrough, and what I realized is
that, even though I was 39,which, of course, in the scheme
of things, if we have listenerswho are in their 60s or 70s
they're like I wish I was 30right.
I get it, it's all relative.
But when you are 39, almostgoing to be 40, and you're

(56:32):
thinking, oh my god, I have tostart over.
That's really scary yeah, butwhat I realized because I'm true
to myself is that had I stayedin that relationship and married
him, I would be very unhappyand that would be for a lifetime
, and that's the worst.
Versus breaking up, goingthrough the emotions of just
grieving a relationship,temporary discomfort, correct,

(56:55):
the annoyance of moving, thecost of moving, figuring out
where to live and so forth,versus being with somebody
unhappily for a lifetime, was somuch better.
And I moved out.
I packed up my things.
I moved.
I found an apartment.
I had nothing.
Everything was his.
I was sleeping on a twin-sizedair mattress with sheets from

(57:16):
college and I had that firstnight never slept better than I
had in that past year, because Iknew I had made the right
decision, even though I wasstill upset.
I mean, it took me time to getover.
the relationship slept betterthan I had in that past year
because I knew I had made theright decision, even though I
was still upset.
I mean, it took me time to getover the relationship.
It wasn't like, oh, I left andI don't like him anymore.
Of course, I still loved him.
I was sad for him, I was sadfor me, but I knew that I would

(57:36):
have a much better life 60 yearsahead of me, you know, god
willing than the lifetime ofbeing with him.
That I knew wouldn't work forme.
And so getting out there againwhen I was ready to get on the
apps to go out with mygirlfriends and meet people, and
it took me think.

(57:57):
Therefore, I think it took melike a year to find the next guy
dating all these littleasses inbetween, and I think what you
said is really important.

Speaker 1 (58:06):
I think, ladies, when I talked earlier about having
your shit together, you can't bescared to be alone.
Yeah, I think that is acriteria that every woman forget
about.
The men, okay, because theycan't be alone, most of them not
all, as I say, but most.

(58:27):
I think a number one criteriato make you applicable of to
date should be you have to beokay right, yeah, because if
you're if, if you weren't okayto be alone and say you know
what it hurts.
It's a pain I can't.
I'm scared to start all over,but when you slept there that

(58:50):
night you're like I'm good.

Speaker 2 (58:52):
We're strong and resilient as women.

Speaker 1 (58:55):
Or like you said, when I was ready, I broke up
with him, I grieved, I got myshit together again and then I
went back out and it took me ayear.
That is so important, ladies.
Like I always say this whenpeople are like you have too
many boundaries, you have toomany this, you have to I will
die alone and I am okay withthat thought and it very well

(59:17):
may.
And people are like, oh, that'snot going to happen, but if it
does happen, I'm a okay.

Speaker 3 (59:25):
I think too, there you know, listen, and we can't
be ignorant to the fact that alot of women are afraid to leave
or hesitant to leave from forfinancial reasons.
Certainly those who have hadchildren and maybe excuse me
have been out of the workforcefor a while and you don't have
your own income.
That's a very real thing.
That's like the fear.
You know what I mean.

Speaker 1 (59:42):
But I think in order to, it is scary because I did it
.

Speaker 3 (59:46):
It is so scary.

Speaker 1 (59:47):
I don't think there's one woman that leaves with kids
unless she's a CEO of thecompany and making well over six
figures.
That isn't scared when theyleave.
We all are.
But as long as you're okay withthose kids alone, you know
you'll make it through.

Speaker 3 (01:00:07):
I think you have to remember that if, especially if
you have children, your mentalhealth and your happiness is
very important, because yourchildren are going to see that,
and if they see you upset byyour husband, their dad, if they
see that there's problems orthere's constant fighting and
yelling, that's not a goodexample.
It's going to hurt the children.
But I understand that there arewomen who do have some
financial reservations and thatmakes a lot of sense.

Speaker 1 (01:00:30):
It makes it much harder to leave, even if they
want to.
Where are you?

Speaker 3 (01:00:33):
going to go?
How are you going to affordyour own apartment, your own car
, your whatever?
I?

Speaker 1 (01:00:36):
get that, it is happy .
That's a whole other thing.
But everything's easier whenyou don't, when you don't have
kids the truth is the truth,even if you get divorced without
kids.

Speaker 3 (01:00:45):
It's much, it's much easier than when you have to
think about these.
You know that's always the casebut you then just know that you
have to set yourself up, yeah,you have to be ready, you have
to, you know, decide what's goodfor you and do it in your time
and then, once you are all ofthose things and you feel
comfortable to leave, that'swhen you listen to this episode

(01:01:07):
of the podcast.
So I just don't want people tothink like, oh well, that's
great, you are on your own, youdon't have children, it's very
easy.
Yes, I didn't have that aspect,but I had other things that I
had to deal with.
And then it was when I wasready that I would go back out
there and date, date, date, date, date, date, date, date, date,
date, date, date, date.
Find somebody doesn't work,date, date, date, date, date,
date, date, date, date.
And then you know, now it'sjust the one, and I'm very, I'm

(01:01:28):
very happy.

Speaker 1 (01:01:28):
Well, we're happy for you, Congratulations.
Thank you, you found the lightat the end of the tunnel.

Speaker 2 (01:01:37):
Yes, you definitely infused me with some and kind of
commiserate, so I'm so happyfor you.
Thanks, allison, and you'rewelcome.

Speaker 1 (01:01:45):
Courtney, thank you so much for coming on the show.
Thanks, melissa, it's been apleasure and we hope that we
have given you some good tipsfor the online apps and dating
We've navigated a little bitthrough that the dating apps,
the websites, the websites, thethings that are in touch with
the 10-year poll.
But yeah, I'm hoping that wedon't.

(01:02:09):
You know, we don't see so manyquestions about those dating
apps that we covered today, sohopefully that'll be good for
our viewers Give you a littlepush.
Let you jump over those redflags to make the dating
processes a little bit easier.

Speaker 3 (01:02:17):
Yeah, just don't give up.
I know you want to.
Just don't.
Yeah, just don't do it.
And if you have, follow-upquestions.

Speaker 2 (01:02:23):
Please reach out to us.
You could look on the shownotes to where to find us.

Speaker 1 (01:02:31):
Email text.
I think you can do both.

Speaker 2 (01:02:33):
Yes, and we look forward to it.
Thank you for supporting us.

Speaker 1 (01:02:36):
Thank you and we hope to see you soon.
Dating Daycare Follow us.

Speaker 2 (01:02:43):
Email us Subscribe.

Speaker 1 (01:02:48):
We'll see you next time.
Thank you, bye dating daycare.
Follow us, subscribe.
Thank you.