December 11, 2024 • 35 mins
Imagine embarking on a journey where the quest for freedom and self-discovery takes you across continents. Listen as we welcome our courageous guest, Samiha, who shares her harrowing yet inspiring story of leaving a domestic violence situation in Pakistan for a new life in America. Her experience sheds light on the cultural and societal challenges faced by women in arranged marriages, underscoring the immense strength needed to break free from oppressive circumstances. Through Samiha's narrative, we explore the concept of women's rights and the profound resilience required to carve out one's own path in the face of adversity.
Our conversation takes a deeper turn as we unravel the complexities of a marriage entangled in lies and manipulation. It’s a personal story of uncovering hidden truths and the struggle for financial independence while facing societal expectations and control. The chapter paints a vivid picture of deception, revealing how easily red flags can be missed, and highlights the determination needed to persevere. From financial control to emotional manipulation, discover the subtle ways in which freedom can be restricted, and the courage it takes to reclaim it.
The episode reaches a poignant climax as we confront the harsh realities of control and financial abuse, particularly following the acquisition of an order of protection. Struggling without resources and support, the immediate aftermath poses significant challenges that test one's resilience and resolve. Yet, in this story of survival, there is a glimmer of hope and determination, showcasing the incredible journey of overcoming significant hurdles. Tune in next week to hear how these challenges are met head-on and witness the strength and triumph that emerge from such trials.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
Hello, ladies and gents.
This is Dating Daycare.
I am Melissa, and today we areback.
So get your wine, get yourvodka, get whatever you need.
We are going to help younavigate through those jungles
of jerks, and we have a greatguest on today.
I am so, so excited.
Today we have Zamiha and she isgoing to tell us her amazing
(00:33):
story of how she came over here.
You're from Pakistan originally, right?
Yes, hi everyone.
Right, yes, hi everyone.
And she's going to tell us howshe made it out of a domestic
(00:53):
violence situation.
I see a lot of women on allthese Facebook and social media
groups and I always see the samething Even women that aren't in
domestic violence yet, they'rejust in bad, toxic relationships
.
I see them say but what do I do?
How do I get out of it?
I'm stuck and this, ladies, ishow you get out of it.
(01:15):
This is the beacon of hope.
Unbelievable story.
So let's start at the beginning.
Okay, you're from Pakistan, yes, and it's time to the beginning
.
Okay, you're from Pakistan, yes, and it's time to get married.
Speaker 2 (01:29):
Yes, A little, I would say, backdrop the culture
where I come from.
There's a lot of girls.
I know it was many years ago.
I'm pretty sure it's still likethat.
Speaker 1 (01:41):
I'm sure it is we're treated as cattle.
Speaker 2 (01:43):
Basically, people come look at you.
They will make fun of you, tellyou things like I basically I'm
talking about myself, I don'tknow how it is by other people I
I'm the oldest one.
I had two sisters, so mysisters were the pretty ones.
I was fat, I was ugly, I wasblack was black, I had glasses.
Speaker 1 (02:04):
All the you know, right, the stereotypes type.
And so you know what.
Women's rights is a big subjectnow in the media with the
election that just went on andeverything.
So talk about women's rights,right, you know?
I mean, this is a perfectexample of so all these men come
(02:25):
to just kind of visually seeyou and women too Right.
Speaker 2 (02:29):
It's very like I would say, shocking Women
themselves.
They don't look at themselves.
But if you're a mother of a son, are you coming from like a
boy's side?
I would say to a girl'sfamily's house Okay, you have to
be pretty, you have to be allthe fairy tales, everything.
Speaker 1 (02:49):
You have to be perfect, perfect.
Speaker 2 (02:51):
That's right, okay, and there is no perfect.
Speaker 1 (02:54):
No, absolutely not.
Speaker 2 (02:56):
So that's how it started.
People kept rejecting me, andyou know what it does to your
self-esteem, of course.
And then, even though myparents, they did love me, but
then they're bound by thatculture, that family structure.
So my mom and dad, kind of Icould see the disappointment in
their eyes which is horrible.
Okay, they're picking theyoungest ones.
Speaker 1 (03:17):
To get married right Because it's arranged marriages.
So that's how this plays intothat.
Another huge thing for women'sright.
You didn't even have the rightto pick who you wanted to marry.
Speaker 2 (03:28):
No, no, it's just not a norm.
It wasn't at that time.
Maybe it's becoming a littlenow.
I have no idea, I haven't beenthere for so long and I would
say I'm glad that my daughter isgrowing up here.
She knows her rights.
Yes, she's absolutely beautiful, the most beautiful girl in the
world but I'm happy that she'snot growing up there like that I
(03:50):
love my country, I love myculture, my religion, everything
.
But there are certain thingsthat people twist it in such a
way that it affects of girlsspecifically right, right.
We weren't allowed to ride bikes.
You can lift your leg up to siton the motorcycle.
You're not allowed outsidebecause you don't have a Right
right.
Speaker 1 (04:09):
Oh, oh, my gosh you know, in america, you as a woman
, your rights are getting takenaway.
I mean, personally, I kind ofalways, you know, twist my head
(04:29):
a little bit because I, you know, hear stories like this and say
I don't think you understandwhat that you know how in depth.
We can go with that right so,and then your mother passed away
when you were young.
Yes, so now your sisters sortof get married and you're the
(04:50):
oldest, you're left, and yourfather comes up with this great
idea as he thought.
Speaker 2 (04:57):
He thought it would be the best thing.
I was the only one who neverwanted to leave Pakistan, but
he's like OK, so here's thisproposal.
It was my youngest sister'sin-laws, like here, say they're
safe, are in the familysomewhere, and he heard about it
and oh, this is this guy fromAmerica.
He's older guy.
They just said older guy.
(05:17):
I had no idea how old.
You never got a picture.
Speaker 1 (05:20):
You never knew how old he was, nothing but your
father's like.
I found a guy in America thatwill marry you, right, that?
Speaker 2 (05:28):
was his.
Speaker 1 (05:28):
That'll take you because you're so hard, right, I
mean you're right.
So we found this guy.
You're going to marry him?
Yes, and I guess maybe at firstyou were probably a little bit
nervous but at the same timeexcited, right?
I mean, did you want to come toAmerica?
Speaker 2 (05:46):
I was scared out of my mind.
Okay, nervous, because I didn'thave any family here.
Speaker 1 (05:52):
You didn't know anybody or anything.
Speaker 2 (05:55):
But my way of getting out of that whole culture
situation was like, okay, thisis my way out, maybe it'll work.
Speaker 1 (06:01):
Maybe it'll be a good thing.
Maybe, right, and how old wereyou?
Speaker 2 (06:05):
I was 27 at that time .
Speaker 1 (06:08):
Okay, so you got all your stuff together.
Yeah, came to America.
Yeah, he picked you up at theairport, which that no, he
actually traveled there and wecame back together.
Speaker 2 (06:18):
Oh, okay, yes.
Speaker 1 (06:19):
So you came, so you saw him.
Mm-hmm, so you saw him.
What did you think?
No comments no comments.
So you, you, so you.
Speaker 2 (06:29):
Let's just say you were disappointed, you weren't
ecstatic, you were more nervousokay, I have a job to be a wife
and that's what I'm doing.
It's my job.
Like there was no heartinvolved, no emotions, no
nothing.
I'm just trying to make my dadhappy.
That okay he's.
I don't want him to takeanything thinking.
Speaker 1 (06:47):
So your dad was sick at the time?
Yes, he was.
Speaker 2 (06:51):
No, he had diabetes and heart issues and other stuff
going on, okay.
Speaker 1 (06:56):
And old age.
You didn't want to give him anyheadaches.
Speaker 2 (06:58):
Yes, I don't want him to think that, oh, look what I
did.
I made a wrong decision.
Now she is suffering.
The whole time he was alive,eight years after I got married.
We talked on, I would say,daily basis, but I kept it very
civil.
Yes, I'm fine, everything isfine, kids are okay.
Send kids pictures there.
So he died peaceful, thinkingthat.
Speaker 1 (07:20):
I was happy, everything was fine, but the
reality was something verydifferent.
Speaker 2 (07:25):
Oh, absolutely 100%, so you came to him at.
Speaker 1 (07:28):
you've got back here, you settled in and what was
your first?
Speaker 2 (07:34):
the first shock was like the next day when I woke up
.
It was a long flight 21 hoursand I see a cab outside.
He told my dad that he ownspharmacies here.
He's a pharmacist, makes a lotof money, blah, blah, blah.
And I see a cab outside.
I'm like you're taking a cab towork.
He goes no, it's for me.
(07:55):
And I still in my mind, Ididn't realize.
I'm like where's your car?
Speaker 1 (07:59):
Right, of course Right.
Speaker 2 (08:01):
Why is a cab out there?
He goes I drive that, I'm like.
You drive a cab to yourpharmacy.
He goes no, I drive a cab, I'mlike, but you told my dad you're
a pharmacist.
Oh yeah, you don't need to know.
There were some issues.
So this is what I do now and inmy mind I'm just like mine is
going, like what's going on?
Speaker 1 (08:21):
A red flag, as I say, right, Red flag.
Speaker 2 (08:24):
Okay, he's driving a cab.
I'm like I don't know what'sgoing on.
I had no ideas.
Speaker 1 (08:31):
the laws, the rules, anything I had just gotten here,
right.
Speaker 2 (08:33):
You just knew it was different.
It was different, yes, so inthe beginning it was very
controlling.
Of course, I didn't knowanybody, so even just to go out
for a walk, I was nervous.
I don't know where I'm going.
Speaker 1 (08:46):
Yeah, you don't know the neighborhood, of course I
wasn't allowed to have a phoneof my own.
Speaker 2 (08:50):
We just had a landline at that time, Right,
and we were in Valley Stream andhe was like I will call you
whenever I have a cell phone.
You don't need the phone.
And I'm like I have a kid withme at home.
Any emergency, anything, justcall me.
Whatever, Nothing is going on,blah, blah.
There are people downstairs.
It was just like you stay home,you don't need to even go to
the gas station to get somethingor anything.
(09:11):
I will come, we will gotogether.
Everything very controlled,very specific.
The house is stocked up.
Whatever you need is in thehouse, Just you're here.
Speaker 1 (09:22):
Right, you had no car .
Yes, you had no cell phone.
You were just in the house andat this point, you had one child
with him yes, and my oldest, sothe child wasn't in school yet.
No, you were just kind of beingthat housewife at home, and
then when he would get home, howwould he treat you?
Speaker 2 (09:40):
he used to get home late and it was really late,
like 2 am and stuff.
A couple of times I fell asleepright.
He got very upset that I'mworking so hard and I come home
and the food is not warm andthen I'm like it's, I've been
taking care of the kid all daylong it's two o'clock in the
morning right.
And then even I woke up and I'msuddenly like, trying to get
(10:04):
things ready, and he, he'ssitting on the couch.
I'm like, here's the kitchen,here's the stove, here's the
food, warm it up yourself, right.
But that typical Pakistanimentality, male mentality, it's
like, oh no, you have to serveme.
And then comes the sex part.
I was never happy about it,never wanted to do it, but again
(10:30):
, just like I said, I was doingmy job, that all came with it.
Then, little by little, I'vestarted learning about things.
I found a whole closet filledwith paperwork and old
videotapes all porno stuff.
And then, you know, your mindstarts thinking and I'm going
who do I ask for help?
Who do I even confide in?
Who do I even talk to?
(10:50):
My sisters?
We didn't have that great of arelationship.
Plus, they were married alreadydealing with their stuff I had
no friends.
Speaker 1 (10:57):
Further and further in this relationship you
realized more and more sort ofred flags to try to put together
all the puzzle pieces.
So what did you find out aboutwhy he didn't have the pharmacy
anymore?
Speaker 2 (11:11):
There were some.
Yes, there were paperwork inthat closet that I was cleaning
the house.
I had nothing else to do, soI'm just deep cleaning the house
we rented.
He never had a house and therewere a lot of paperwork.
I read some things, Iunderstood some things, I did in
the court technology and allthat.
But the thing was he wasarrested for doing some illegal
(11:33):
stuff in his pharmacy with somedrugs I don't know the names, I
don't know all that, but he wassent to jail.
His license was taken away.
Speaker 1 (11:41):
So this is that, and hence why he's driving the cab
and he didn't have his, hispharmacy anymore.
Speaker 2 (11:47):
No, he did a long long time ago, but then at that
point.
So he lied to your father.
Yes, which?
Speaker 1 (11:54):
ladies, we know this always happens right with dating
men nowadays.
They lie, but thankfully youyou can find out they lie and
get away right.
You didn't have that you were.
You were already married by thetime all of these lies came out
.
And what kind of like?
What kind of father was he nota vet?
(12:15):
Was he ever there?
Did?
He ever was he nice to thechildren, not nice to the
children?
Speaker 2 (12:21):
they just existed.
He had four prior kids beforeme.
I was his fifth wife, fifthwife.
Speaker 1 (12:28):
Yes, Now did your dad know that.
He knew just about one.
Speaker 2 (12:33):
Okay, so he lied about that too, and they said he
was divorced.
Speaker 1 (12:35):
Oh, Jesus Christ.
So you know, the minute youfind that out, ladies, that
you're number five, it's notgoing to be good right?
Oh, yay, yay.
Speaker 2 (12:44):
I remember I went for the interview at the embassy in
Pakistan when you get the greencard.
So the lady she got atranslator to translate it to me
that you know you're the fifthwife.
I'm like I can't understandEnglish.
I know what I'm getting into.
She was trying to help me thatyou already know where you're
going.
I'm like I'm already marriedlady.
Speaker 1 (13:04):
I help me that you already know where you're going.
I'm like, I'm already marriedlady.
I can't Right Like you don'tunderstand.
I'm stuck.
Yes, but she was trying to helpme.
Speaker 2 (13:10):
Oh my God.
She thought I didn't understandEnglish.
Speaker 1 (13:16):
Right, of course Right, and she's trying to help
you.
Yeah, meanwhile, you're like Ialready know.
So he was taking care of allthese kids on this taxi.
Speaker 2 (13:23):
No, that's another thing.
He wasn't paying child supportfor one no-transcript One kid.
He was paying child support andthen he was frustrated all the
time.
I had the minimum amount.
How do I get rid of it?
Speaker 1 (13:39):
Always trying to beat the system.
Yeah, I don't want to see him.
Speaker 2 (13:42):
I don't want to.
I was like don't you ever missthem?
They're your kids, Doesn't?
Matter where they come from.
Speaker 1 (13:48):
Of course of course.
Speaker 2 (13:50):
No, I don't want to get into this, I don't want to
deal with it.
Speaker 1 (13:52):
So these are all red flags that now that we see.
But unfortunately, like Ialways say, the reason why I
think this story, as it goes on,you'll see, is amazing.
It's because you didn't havethe choice, you didn't have the
luxury.
So you have kids now with him.
You're telling your dad you'refine.
(14:14):
You realize all these lies thatare coming about from the
pharmacy, not being there to him, having five marriages, more
kids that you didn't know about.
When did the like?
What else abusive happens inthe relationship?
Speaker 2 (14:33):
So we started, I was tutoring.
I started started tutoringthrough a mosque.
We used to go to arabic.
I know arabic, I had a master'sdegree in pakistan, so people,
I used to go people's houses andteach girls arabic because they
weren't.
It was still like it.
I'm talking about 20, 22 yearsago here in pakistani, typically
(14:55):
pakistani community.
It was still like it.
I'm talking about 20, 22 yearsago here in Pakistani, typically
Pakistani community.
It was still like oh, womencome home and they teach you
Arabic, especially girls.
They don't want them.
Now everything is online and,I'm pretty sure, much more
advanced everything, but at thattime I had like four or five
houses that I was going to teachArabic.
Speaker 1 (15:12):
So you got a job because you were home all day
and the kids were in school?
No, this I actually was doingafter school and I was going to
teach Arabic.
So you got a job because youwere home all day and the kids
were in school.
Speaker 2 (15:17):
No, I actually was doing after school and I was
dragging my two kids with meeverywhere I went because he had
to go drive the cab to the cityand I was taking them with me
teaching Arabic.
Then, little by little, theystarted talking about doing
homework help.
So I was doing homework helpOne of the family.
They started talking aboutdoing homework help.
So I was doing homework helpOne of the family.
(15:38):
They told me about thispreschool that's free and my son
was of that age at that point,so I went there.
We enrolled him.
My ex-husband was very happythat it was free.
It was a low income for lowincome families Head Start
that's where my son was enrolled.
Low-income families Head Startthat's where my son was enrolled
.
They were hiring for asubstitute and, of course, I had
(16:04):
to ask him for permission andhe was like how much money will
you be getting?
I started with a $12 an hour.
Speaker 1 (16:07):
For me, it was like yay, I'm making money, of course
, and you had to help pay thebills, correct?
Speaker 2 (16:11):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (16:12):
Because he wasn't making ends meet with this cab
driver no, he used to take thetutoring.
Speaker 2 (16:17):
Everything was cash.
He's like okay, give me themoney, I'll put in the bank.
I was not allowed to have abank account, not even a joint
account.
I pay the bills.
Speaker 1 (16:27):
Give me the money, okay, you work you come home and
, on top of all the other crapthat's going on, you hand them
over all the paycheck.
Okay.
That had to get old after awhile.
Speaker 2 (16:40):
Yes, I got a job.
And then comes the.
You know, when you fill out thepaperwork, I'm like I need a
bank account.
They're going to direct deposit.
He's like, no, you don't needthe direct deposit, let's tell
them to send you a check.
I will deposit in my bank.
I'm like I didn't have enoughclothes to wear.
Kids were like the whatever thecheapest things we could find.
(17:04):
He used to tell me you seethose donation boxes, the
clothes outside.
Go pick something.
That's what you're wearing.
Speaker 1 (17:12):
After you worked all week and brought home a paycheck
.
God forbid you take it and goto Target or Walmart to buy
yourself something.
Speaker 2 (17:19):
Oh, that's too expensive, that's too expensive,
yeah, go to the donation box.
Speaker 1 (17:22):
Oh my God.
Speaker 2 (17:24):
Okay, meanwhile, in Pakistan we were so rich I've
never worn a cloth twice.
I was famous in the university.
This is the person, the girlwho never wears a cloth twice.
We had so much Right, we woreit once, gave it to the maids.
We had the maids, thechauffeurs, big, huge house,
several cars that's where I comefrom To this, yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:46):
So that you know what that.
I always say this too.
That's hard.
That itself is hard Coming from.
You know, I always say it'seasy to gain.
You know what I mean.
Come from nothing and then likewinning the lottery.
You know what I'm saying.
But it's very hard when youhave it and then you have to
(18:09):
backtrack and you lose it on topof all that other stuff, other
stuff going on.
Speaker 2 (18:13):
Yep, it's emotionally draining.
Speaker 1 (18:17):
Absolutely.
And for you not to call homewhen your father called and be
like Dad Rich an outfit.
He's making me go to the.
You know what I give you creditfor that.
That's like I think that's acultural thing.
You know that you just didn'twant to disappoint your father
and didn't want to make you sofar away.
(18:38):
You don't want to worry, it'snot like he's an hour drive away
.
But let me tell you somethingpersonally, ladies I would have
been on that phone in 20 seconds.
I would have been like Dad,this is bullshit, Like I don't
know how you didn't do it.
I would have been like he lied,he's been married.
Oh, he lied, he's been married.
For, oh my God, I would haveunraveled everything to my
father in two seconds.
Speaker 2 (19:00):
That's a cultural difference.
I just feel like he would be sostressed.
Yeah, and I didn't want him toget anything else.
I know why you did it.
But like now turn this around,if it were your daughter?
Speaker 1 (19:09):
If this was your daughter, wouldn't you want her
to be like Mom?
He's a loser.
I hate him.
I want to come home, Right,yeah, and you wouldn't want
anything else.
You wouldn't care.
Even if I was sick and on mydeathbed, I would want my son or
my daughter to call me up andbe like Mom.
They lied.
(19:30):
I'd be like, okay, okay, we'llfix it Right as a mother, Right.
Speaker 2 (19:37):
So as a mother now you can I think even though my
mom was from that culture.
If my mom was alive at thattime, I'm 100% sure she wouldn't
have never Let.
Speaker 1 (19:46):
you have even left Pakistan with that, man Never.
She would have looked at himand known he was bad.
Right, I'm sure she would.
You know how we can like lookat a guy as we get older and we
could be like yeah, no, Mominstinct yeah.
Yes, Okay, so you're working.
He's taking your paycheck.
How does the abuse, like youknow, get me to the point of the
(20:07):
abuse is so bad.
What was that pivotal momentfor you where you were like I'm
done with this.
Where you were like I'm donewith this?
Also, we have to mention, too,that not only were you working,
bringing home money, but youalso said you were you living in
a house.
That was, and the room wasbeing rented.
Speaker 2 (20:26):
No, that's where the point came that I was making
more money than him and halfmost of his was cash and he was
putting it at the bank, payingthe rent, whatever.
He became lazier and lazierEvery time I come home he's
laying on the couch, yeah bornplaying on the TV, me and my
little kids running in dirtydiapers, of course, right.
(20:50):
And I used to get so frustratedSink full of dishes House a
mess, yes, and I'm like, whatare you doing?
And his response was they'rekids, they don't know nothing,
right.
Speaker 1 (21:02):
They don't know any better Right Nowadays.
The kids would get taken awayfrom him.
I know Back then't know anybetter Right Nowadays the kids
would get taken away from him.
Speaker 2 (21:08):
I know, back then it was different it was different,
it was very different.
Speaker 1 (21:10):
So you're working all day.
He's home laying on the couchwatching porn, doing God only
knows what else drinking, nottaking care of the kids, bathing
the kids, nothing.
You come home and it's worseoff than when you left.
So it's like a job after a jobafter a job, yep.
So and I know a lot of womenfeel that way I just saw
(21:31):
something from a woman thatposted something very similar
and she's like what do I do?
And we're all like, well, whatis he offering you?
What would?
How is it?
You know, it's supposed to be apartnership, right, a marriage,
they say.
And this is nowhere near apartnership okay.
Speaker 2 (21:52):
So, and then again he knew that I don't have anywhere
to go.
That's the controlling factor.
It became in my secondrelationship too, because he
knew that I don't have family,no brother, no uncles, nobody's
coming to ask, no one's savingyou, yeah.
So he's like oh, what are yougoing to say?
He already knew.
Oh, I know, you're not going totell your dad, he's already so
sick, like why would you do it?
Speaker 1 (22:13):
You haven't done it yet.
He's calling your bluff.
You know it's like when youkeep saying I'm going to say if
you cheat on me again, I'm goingto leave you, and they're like
sure you're not leaving, you'renot going anywhere.
Speaker 2 (22:31):
Yeah, Okay.
So anyways, in this meantime wehad enough saves, so that's
another story.
We went to look for houses andhe's like I want to buy a house.
Yes, I want to buy a house.
I've been renting because Iwasn't married.
Now, okay, let's look intohouses.
Okay, we're looking for houses.
He applied for mortgage and thebank is like your income,
whatever he shows on paperwasn't enough.
Speaker 1 (22:53):
And a criminal record nonetheless.
Speaker 2 (22:55):
Yes, yes.
And so he goes okay, what aboutif we add her income?
It wasn't that much, but it wascash.
They were like, as long as youprove it, it was cash.
Then they were like, as long asyou prove it that it's a steady
income, turn the books.
Yeah, yes.
So finally we got approved.
And then comes the part wherethey have to put the name on the
deed.
He goes no, that the house willbe in my name, Of course it
(23:16):
will, and the bank is like areyou an idiot?
Like her paperwork, her stuff isthere, so her name goes there,
thank God for the bank right yes, sure, yes, sure yeah, because
he just wanted you to geteverything for him.
Uh-huh so finally we got thehouse we living there.
Now comes one month, passed bythe second month, oh, we can't
(23:37):
pay the mortgage.
I'm like how the sorry?
Speaker 1 (23:40):
right curse word right, of course.
No, you can say it.
How the fuck can we not pay themortgage?
I'm working my ass off.
Speaker 2 (23:47):
And then he goes the mortgage is too much, maybe we
should rent a room upstairs.
I'm like, ok, I'm like webought this house so the kids
have their rooms.
Yeah.
He's like, oh, the kids arelittle that we can share, we can
be just downstairs.
It was one small bedroom andone bigger bedroom.
The rest of the bedrooms wereupstairs.
(24:08):
I'm like, okay, so we rentedthe two rooms upstairs.
That's how I met my secondex-husband.
So, anyways, the money wascoming in and he started.
We started.
At this point my father hadpassed away.
It was another emotional, sucha devastation that I couldn't.
It was hard for me dealing withall that on top of, but I was
kind of at a relief knowing thatI don't have to please anybody
(24:30):
anymore or hide anything or hideanything.
so I started speaking up andthat's where the argument
started happening.
He used to take my keys awayand he did get me another phone
once I was able to get thesecond job, and and but again
the phone line is still in hisname.
All the bills are still in hisname.
I don't have a credit card.
He doesn't want me in anythingother than on the deed.
(24:53):
Everything else was in his name, so he I'm sorry, I forgot when
was I going Take your keys away.
Yes, take my keys away and phoneaway.
As soon as I get home, thosethings go away.
You do your kitchen stuff inyour room, that's it.
You're done for the night.
You're not going, you're nothaving friends, can't watch TV
Nope.
Speaker 1 (25:13):
Nothing, not a glass of wine, no Chardonnay watching
dating daycare, I can tell youthat much.
Not in that household.
Right, I still don't.
And you even had said to methat he locked you in the room.
Speaker 2 (25:25):
Yes, Because I had have had arguments like why the
hell I am not able to do this,this, this Now, because I was
working at school.
So there was a social worker.
Sometimes I used to go cry toher and her mind was blown.
She was like you're not inPakistan, what are you talking
about?
He takes your keys.
This is abuse.
(25:46):
I'm like huh, right, right.
Well, you didn't know.
Right, I'm being a wife, I'mtaking care of the kids, and
she's like absolutely not Right.
Speaker 1 (25:57):
Yeah Well, you don't, you know what you don't know.
It's kind of like if I go tothe Middle East, I wouldn't know
.
You know, sometimes asAmericans, I've never been, I
would love to go to dubai butI've never been.
But you hear sometimes, oh, youhave to wear the burqa, what
like you don't know.
So if you threw me in themiddle of the middle east, I
(26:17):
wouldn't know.
If someone told me, listen, youcan't come out before sunset
and you gotta wear a burqka andyou're not allowed to drive
after two o'clock, I'd be like,all right, I guess you're not
allowed.
Like how would you know I getit?
Speaker 2 (26:33):
so my father had passed away.
We had the house.
Now the rent started coming in,so we kind of like hanging on,
okay.
But then I started gettingupset I frustrated yes, like
you're down, I am working sevendays a week.
Two, three jobs seven days aweek.
Speaker 1 (26:48):
Imagine what it does to you.
Speaker 2 (26:51):
We're taking care of your own kids, two little kids,
toddlers, three, two and a halfand three and a half.
It was so much work.
I was like a machine, keptgoing on and on and of course I
was having arguments.
I was blowing up, kept going onand on and of course I was
having arguments.
I was blowing up my firstex-husband.
I know he never physicallytouched me, but the other abuse
(27:11):
was all their financial, mental,emotional, the control.
Speaker 1 (27:17):
I mean being locked in the room.
You come home, you're doneworking, you clean the whole
house, take care of the kids,put them to to sleep time.
To lock yourself in your room,like get in your room.
(27:38):
I mean it's insanity.
Speaker 2 (27:38):
But then the guy that you were renting the room to
upstairs came in like lovebombing, like what we call love
bomber ladies.
Speaker 1 (27:41):
Yeah, the night and shining armor.
Oh, oh, my God, I see howhorrible he treats you.
He took away your keys in yourcar.
Let me drive you to work.
You don't have enough lunchmoney.
Here's, you know, here's ahundred bucks for you.
He started with twenty bucksbut yeah.
(28:01):
Yeah right, I can only imagineI could play his tune right now.
I didn't even know he gave youlunch money, but I knew.
Speaker 2 (28:09):
You know where it is and how it is.
Speaker 1 (28:11):
So he came in like this and you were like wow.
Speaker 2 (28:15):
I was like, oh wow, he's white, he's American, he's
such a nice guy, those eyes, ohRight.
Speaker 1 (28:22):
And he's treating me.
He's not locking me in my roomat the end of the night.
No, yeah, taking the garbageout, playing with the kids in
the yard, like all the rightthings, all the things your
husband wasn't doing Wasn'tdoing, yes, and my husband a
couple of times.
Speaker 2 (28:38):
He noticed and he was like I don't want the kids
playing with him, I don't wantyou talking to him.
He kind of was very upset whenhe saw me and him talking.
Some one of the days I washanging clothes or something.
We had a dryer but I wasn'tallowed to use the dryer.
No it it.
It wastes electricity.
Go hang the clothes on thelines up.
Speaker 1 (28:59):
Oh my god let me tell you something.
God bless you, because let metell you something, this, this
guy, I would have been likeyou're out of your fucking mind.
You go hang the clothes outside.
This guy probably would haveended up beating me up because
my mouth would have gotten me ina lot of trouble.
All right, so all right.
(29:20):
Not allowed to use the dryer.
As he lays on the couch and youwork three jobs.
Yeah, unreal, unreal.
The audacity, yeah, absolutelythe audacity.
Okay, so the safe.
So this guy comes in.
He comes flying through,treating you love, bombing you
to death.
Oh my god, was he ever like yougot to get out of this yes, he
(29:45):
was couple of the arguments.
Speaker 2 (29:46):
He came down banging on the door.
He's like he called me likesamia, do you want me to call
the cops?
This is not okay.
What he is doing like I'm likeoh wow, wow, he cares about me,
right.
Speaker 1 (29:57):
Well, you know what it makes sense, though, and you
know what I always like to bringthis back.
You had no family.
Your mother passed away whenyou were younger.
So, you know, like, as ourgirls get older, I think we tend
to watch out for this, or,especially if we've been through
certain things, I alwayslightly try to steer my daughter
(30:20):
, you know, even if it's with agirlfriend.
Oh, you know what A snake isalways a snake.
You know what I mean.
Like you know, a girlfriend oh,you know what A snake is always
a snake.
You know what I mean.
Like you know, a girlfriendthat always doesn't have your
back isn't going to ever haveyour back.
So I think we tried it, and Idon't think you had that as a
young girl, you know, becauseyour mom had passed away young,
and then here you had nobody toguide you really or explain to
(30:42):
you blame to you, and then whathe did to you had to be so
traumatic.
You know your self-esteem andyou.
You had no therapy or help, soit's almost like you went from
one to the other and not capableof seeing the red flags yeah so
(31:02):
okay, so the so what was thelast straw?
where you got rid of the firsthusband, the one you arranged to
, and now went to this guy thatwas renting.
Speaker 2 (31:14):
So my first husband I had.
With the help of the socialworker, I was able to go get an
order of protection because shewas like this is not okay.
He started calling my job andmy boss was like this can't be
happening.
This is called stalking.
Why is he calling me tocomplain about you?
Right, it was like I wasshocked Like what are you doing?
You're gonna get me fired, Iknow, and she was nice, like I'm
(31:37):
very blessed.
Every supervisor I've workedwith I'm very flexible,
organized, like I know my job,what I'm doing, and I've never
had any complaints, thank God,yes, I criticize me, help me,
support me, I will learn.
I'm a fast learner.
I can do anything you want meto, just let me know how to do
it Right.
So I didn't have an issue.
(31:57):
She's like I can call the copsand I can do that, or you figure
it out.
It's your house stuff.
It shouldn't be carrying to thejob, right?
this is talking all this right,it doesn't go on here yes, so I
did go to the court nasa countyat that time I did get the order
of protection going to thecourt and doing all that stuff
paperwork.
Speaker 1 (32:16):
I know it's exhausting.
It's exhausting.
Speaker 2 (32:18):
I did that with my ex it's exhausting, exhausting and
I feel like for some reason,they still look at you like I'm
the victim here.
They still look at you like I'mthe victim here.
They still look at you like yousure you want to do this, like
I don't know.
I just didn't like the looks,the way the lawyers, the free
lawyers that you get, talk toyou.
I wouldn't say an aim oranything, but I'm just saying I
(32:40):
felt like it's kind of like howdo you say it?
Like there is some.
If you have a woman lawyer,it's different.
Oh yeah, the prejudice.
Yes, so I still remember acouple of the comments.
I don't want to say it oranything.
When I was going to courtbecause of the second ex-husband
, the lawyer was very mean.
And it was like oh so now youhave the second one and now
(33:04):
you're having troubles with thesecond one.
Speaker 1 (33:06):
Yeah, like what's wrong with you?
Right, exactly.
You don't know the whole story.
Just move on and fill up thepaperwork.
Speaker 2 (33:14):
No, it is.
Court's never a good place toend up.
You waste your whole day there.
It just takes so long it does.
The court system is here too,especially family law.
Speaker 1 (33:25):
Yes, A lot of women go through that, with divorce,
with child custody, with support, all of that no, it's a
horrible.
It really needs to be redone.
But so you got away from himand then you fell into the arms
of the new guy.
Yes, right.
Speaker 2 (33:42):
Because he was going to help you.
Speaker 1 (33:44):
He was going to support you, he was going to
help you.
Yeah, he was going to supportyou.
Speaker 2 (33:47):
He was going to help you.
He was for a while a couple ofmonths in the beginning because
my ex-husband he took both thecars.
As soon as I got the order ofprotection, I wake up next
morning there's nothing in therefrigerator for the kids.
I opened the door.
Both the cars are gone.
Now I'm like it's not like weweren't on the main road.
I can just walk somewhere.
I need a vehicle even to get tothe bus stop.
(34:07):
It's not Right.
You need to drive and he knewthat I have two kids at home,
but because?
No, he did not.
Speaker 1 (34:15):
And I'm sure he took all the money in the bank
accounts too.
I knew that one was comingRight, so now you're sitting
there and you're like oh my God,I know I can't get to work.
I'm in this house, I have topay the bills, it's in my name
and I have no car.
No way of getting to work.
Let's go call Prince Edwardupstairs.
(34:36):
Yes, that's what I do, right?
Hi guys, this is the end ofpart one.
Please join us next week forpart two.
It is just as emotional andjust as amazing, and you will
hear how she prevails.
This was Emotional Abuse andnext week will be the physical,
(34:59):
so join us.
Hello, ladies and gents.
This is Dating Daycare.
I am Melissa, and today we areback.
So get your wine, get yourvodka, get whatever you need.
We are going to help younavigate through those jungles
of jerks, and we have a greatguest on today.
I am so, so excited.
Today we have Zamiha and she isgoing to tell us her amazing
(00:33):
story of how she came over here.
You're from Pakistan originally, right?
Yes, hi everyone.
Right, yes, hi everyone.
And she's going to tell us howshe made it out of a domestic
(00:53):
violence situation.
I see a lot of women on allthese Facebook and social media
groups and I always see the samething Even women that aren't in
domestic violence yet, they'rejust in bad, toxic relationships
.
I see them say but what do I do?
How do I get out of it?
I'm stuck and this, ladies, ishow you get out of it.
(01:15):
This is the beacon of hope.
Unbelievable story.
So let's start at the beginning.
Okay, you're from Pakistan, yes, and it's time to the beginning
.
Okay, you're from Pakistan, yes, and it's time to get married.
Speaker 2 (01:29):
Yes, A little, I would say, backdrop the culture
where I come from.
There's a lot of girls.
I know it was many years ago.
I'm pretty sure it's still likethat.
Speaker 1 (01:41):
I'm sure it is we're treated as cattle.
Speaker 2 (01:43):
Basically, people come look at you.
They will make fun of you, tellyou things like I basically I'm
talking about myself, I don'tknow how it is by other people I
I'm the oldest one.
I had two sisters, so mysisters were the pretty ones.
I was fat, I was ugly, I wasblack was black, I had glasses.
Speaker 1 (02:04):
All the you know, right, the stereotypes type.
And so you know what.
Women's rights is a big subjectnow in the media with the
election that just went on andeverything.
So talk about women's rights,right, you know?
I mean, this is a perfectexample of so all these men come
(02:25):
to just kind of visually seeyou and women too Right.
Speaker 2 (02:29):
It's very like I would say, shocking Women
themselves.
They don't look at themselves.
But if you're a mother of a son, are you coming from like a
boy's side?
I would say to a girl'sfamily's house Okay, you have to
be pretty, you have to be allthe fairy tales, everything.
Speaker 1 (02:49):
You have to be perfect, perfect.
Speaker 2 (02:51):
That's right, okay, and there is no perfect.
Speaker 1 (02:54):
No, absolutely not.
Speaker 2 (02:56):
So that's how it started.
People kept rejecting me, andyou know what it does to your
self-esteem, of course.
And then, even though myparents, they did love me, but
then they're bound by thatculture, that family structure.
So my mom and dad, kind of Icould see the disappointment in
their eyes which is horrible.
Okay, they're picking theyoungest ones.
Speaker 1 (03:17):
To get married right Because it's arranged marriages.
So that's how this plays intothat.
Another huge thing for women'sright.
You didn't even have the rightto pick who you wanted to marry.
Speaker 2 (03:28):
No, no, it's just not a norm.
It wasn't at that time.
Maybe it's becoming a littlenow.
I have no idea, I haven't beenthere for so long and I would
say I'm glad that my daughter isgrowing up here.
She knows her rights.
Yes, she's absolutely beautiful, the most beautiful girl in the
world but I'm happy that she'snot growing up there like that I
(03:50):
love my country, I love myculture, my religion, everything
.
But there are certain thingsthat people twist it in such a
way that it affects of girlsspecifically right, right.
We weren't allowed to ride bikes.
You can lift your leg up to siton the motorcycle.
You're not allowed outsidebecause you don't have a Right
right.
Speaker 1 (04:09):
Oh, oh, my gosh you know, in america, you as a woman
, your rights are getting takenaway.
I mean, personally, I kind ofalways, you know, twist my head
(04:29):
a little bit because I, you know, hear stories like this and say
I don't think you understandwhat that you know how in depth.
We can go with that right so,and then your mother passed away
when you were young.
Yes, so now your sisters sortof get married and you're the
(04:50):
oldest, you're left, and yourfather comes up with this great
idea as he thought.
Speaker 2 (04:57):
He thought it would be the best thing.
I was the only one who neverwanted to leave Pakistan, but
he's like OK, so here's thisproposal.
It was my youngest sister'sin-laws, like here, say they're
safe, are in the familysomewhere, and he heard about it
and oh, this is this guy fromAmerica.
He's older guy.
They just said older guy.
(05:17):
I had no idea how old.
You never got a picture.
Speaker 1 (05:20):
You never knew how old he was, nothing but your
father's like.
I found a guy in America thatwill marry you, right, that?
Speaker 2 (05:28):
was his.
Speaker 1 (05:28):
That'll take you because you're so hard, right, I
mean you're right.
So we found this guy.
You're going to marry him?
Yes, and I guess maybe at firstyou were probably a little bit
nervous but at the same timeexcited, right?
I mean, did you want to come toAmerica?
Speaker 2 (05:46):
I was scared out of my mind.
Okay, nervous, because I didn'thave any family here.
Speaker 1 (05:52):
You didn't know anybody or anything.
Speaker 2 (05:55):
But my way of getting out of that whole culture
situation was like, okay, thisis my way out, maybe it'll work.
Speaker 1 (06:01):
Maybe it'll be a good thing.
Maybe, right, and how old wereyou?
Speaker 2 (06:05):
I was 27 at that time .
Speaker 1 (06:08):
Okay, so you got all your stuff together.
Yeah, came to America.
Yeah, he picked you up at theairport, which that no, he
actually traveled there and wecame back together.
Speaker 2 (06:18):
Oh, okay, yes.
Speaker 1 (06:19):
So you came, so you saw him.
Mm-hmm, so you saw him.
What did you think?
No comments no comments.
So you, you, so you.
Speaker 2 (06:29):
Let's just say you were disappointed, you weren't
ecstatic, you were more nervousokay, I have a job to be a wife
and that's what I'm doing.
It's my job.
Like there was no heartinvolved, no emotions, no
nothing.
I'm just trying to make my dadhappy.
That okay he's.
I don't want him to takeanything thinking.
Speaker 1 (06:47):
So your dad was sick at the time?
Yes, he was.
Speaker 2 (06:51):
No, he had diabetes and heart issues and other stuff
going on, okay.
Speaker 1 (06:56):
And old age.
You didn't want to give him anyheadaches.
Speaker 2 (06:58):
Yes, I don't want him to think that, oh, look what I
did.
I made a wrong decision.
Now she is suffering.
The whole time he was alive,eight years after I got married.
We talked on, I would say,daily basis, but I kept it very
civil.
Yes, I'm fine, everything isfine, kids are okay.
Send kids pictures there.
So he died peaceful, thinkingthat.
Speaker 1 (07:20):
I was happy, everything was fine, but the
reality was something verydifferent.
Speaker 2 (07:25):
Oh, absolutely 100%, so you came to him at.
Speaker 1 (07:28):
you've got back here, you settled in and what was
your first?
Speaker 2 (07:34):
the first shock was like the next day when I woke up
.
It was a long flight 21 hoursand I see a cab outside.
He told my dad that he ownspharmacies here.
He's a pharmacist, makes a lotof money, blah, blah, blah.
And I see a cab outside.
I'm like you're taking a cab towork.
He goes no, it's for me.
(07:55):
And I still in my mind, Ididn't realize.
I'm like where's your car?
Speaker 1 (07:59):
Right, of course Right.
Speaker 2 (08:01):
Why is a cab out there?
He goes I drive that, I'm like.
You drive a cab to yourpharmacy.
He goes no, I drive a cab, I'mlike, but you told my dad you're
a pharmacist.
Oh yeah, you don't need to know.
There were some issues.
So this is what I do now and inmy mind I'm just like mine is
going, like what's going on?
Speaker 1 (08:21):
A red flag, as I say, right, Red flag.
Speaker 2 (08:24):
Okay, he's driving a cab.
I'm like I don't know what'sgoing on.
I had no ideas.
Speaker 1 (08:31):
the laws, the rules, anything I had just gotten here,
right.
Speaker 2 (08:33):
You just knew it was different.
It was different, yes, so inthe beginning it was very
controlling.
Of course, I didn't knowanybody, so even just to go out
for a walk, I was nervous.
I don't know where I'm going.
Speaker 1 (08:46):
Yeah, you don't know the neighborhood, of course I
wasn't allowed to have a phoneof my own.
Speaker 2 (08:50):
We just had a landline at that time, Right,
and we were in Valley Stream andhe was like I will call you
whenever I have a cell phone.
You don't need the phone.
And I'm like I have a kid withme at home.
Any emergency, anything, justcall me.
Whatever, Nothing is going on,blah, blah.
There are people downstairs.
It was just like you stay home,you don't need to even go to
the gas station to get somethingor anything.
(09:11):
I will come, we will gotogether.
Everything very controlled,very specific.
The house is stocked up.
Whatever you need is in thehouse, Just you're here.
Speaker 1 (09:22):
Right, you had no car .
Yes, you had no cell phone.
You were just in the house andat this point, you had one child
with him yes, and my oldest, sothe child wasn't in school yet.
No, you were just kind of beingthat housewife at home, and
then when he would get home, howwould he treat you?
Speaker 2 (09:40):
he used to get home late and it was really late,
like 2 am and stuff.
A couple of times I fell asleepright.
He got very upset that I'mworking so hard and I come home
and the food is not warm andthen I'm like it's, I've been
taking care of the kid all daylong it's two o'clock in the
morning right.
And then even I woke up and I'msuddenly like, trying to get
(10:04):
things ready, and he, he'ssitting on the couch.
I'm like, here's the kitchen,here's the stove, here's the
food, warm it up yourself, right.
But that typical Pakistanimentality, male mentality, it's
like, oh no, you have to serveme.
And then comes the sex part.
I was never happy about it,never wanted to do it, but again
(10:30):
, just like I said, I was doingmy job, that all came with it.
Then, little by little, I'vestarted learning about things.
I found a whole closet filledwith paperwork and old
videotapes all porno stuff.
And then, you know, your mindstarts thinking and I'm going
who do I ask for help?
Who do I even confide in?
Who do I even talk to?
(10:50):
My sisters?
We didn't have that great of arelationship.
Plus, they were married alreadydealing with their stuff I had
no friends.
Speaker 1 (10:57):
Further and further in this relationship you
realized more and more sort ofred flags to try to put together
all the puzzle pieces.
So what did you find out aboutwhy he didn't have the pharmacy
anymore?
Speaker 2 (11:11):
There were some.
Yes, there were paperwork inthat closet that I was cleaning
the house.
I had nothing else to do, soI'm just deep cleaning the house
we rented.
He never had a house and therewere a lot of paperwork.
I read some things, Iunderstood some things, I did in
the court technology and allthat.
But the thing was he wasarrested for doing some illegal
(11:33):
stuff in his pharmacy with somedrugs I don't know the names, I
don't know all that, but he wassent to jail.
His license was taken away.
Speaker 1 (11:41):
So this is that, and hence why he's driving the cab
and he didn't have his, hispharmacy anymore.
Speaker 2 (11:47):
No, he did a long long time ago, but then at that
point.
So he lied to your father.
Yes, which?
Speaker 1 (11:54):
ladies, we know this always happens right with dating
men nowadays.
They lie, but thankfully youyou can find out they lie and
get away right.
You didn't have that you were.
You were already married by thetime all of these lies came out
.
And what kind of like?
What kind of father was he nota vet?
(12:15):
Was he ever there?
Did?
He ever was he nice to thechildren, not nice to the
children?
Speaker 2 (12:21):
they just existed.
He had four prior kids beforeme.
I was his fifth wife, fifthwife.
Speaker 1 (12:28):
Yes, Now did your dad know that.
He knew just about one.
Speaker 2 (12:33):
Okay, so he lied about that too, and they said he
was divorced.
Speaker 1 (12:35):
Oh, Jesus Christ.
So you know, the minute youfind that out, ladies, that
you're number five, it's notgoing to be good right?
Oh, yay, yay.
Speaker 2 (12:44):
I remember I went for the interview at the embassy in
Pakistan when you get the greencard.
So the lady she got atranslator to translate it to me
that you know you're the fifthwife.
I'm like I can't understandEnglish.
I know what I'm getting into.
She was trying to help me thatyou already know where you're
going.
I'm like I'm already marriedlady.
Speaker 1 (13:04):
I help me that you already know where you're going.
I'm like, I'm already marriedlady.
I can't Right Like you don'tunderstand.
I'm stuck.
Yes, but she was trying to helpme.
Speaker 2 (13:10):
Oh my God.
She thought I didn't understandEnglish.
Speaker 1 (13:16):
Right, of course Right, and she's trying to help
you.
Yeah, meanwhile, you're like Ialready know.
So he was taking care of allthese kids on this taxi.
Speaker 2 (13:23):
No, that's another thing.
He wasn't paying child supportfor one no-transcript One kid.
He was paying child support andthen he was frustrated all the
time.
I had the minimum amount.
How do I get rid of it?
Speaker 1 (13:39):
Always trying to beat the system.
Yeah, I don't want to see him.
Speaker 2 (13:42):
I don't want to.
I was like don't you ever missthem?
They're your kids, Doesn't?
Matter where they come from.
Speaker 1 (13:48):
Of course of course.
Speaker 2 (13:50):
No, I don't want to get into this, I don't want to
deal with it.
Speaker 1 (13:52):
So these are all red flags that now that we see.
But unfortunately, like Ialways say, the reason why I
think this story, as it goes on,you'll see, is amazing.
It's because you didn't havethe choice, you didn't have the
luxury.
So you have kids now with him.
You're telling your dad you'refine.
(14:14):
You realize all these lies thatare coming about from the
pharmacy, not being there to him, having five marriages, more
kids that you didn't know about.
When did the like?
What else abusive happens inthe relationship?
Speaker 2 (14:33):
So we started, I was tutoring.
I started started tutoringthrough a mosque.
We used to go to arabic.
I know arabic, I had a master'sdegree in pakistan, so people,
I used to go people's houses andteach girls arabic because they
weren't.
It was still like it.
I'm talking about 20, 22 yearsago here in pakistani, typically
(14:55):
pakistani community.
It was still like it.
I'm talking about 20, 22 yearsago here in Pakistani, typically
Pakistani community.
It was still like oh, womencome home and they teach you
Arabic, especially girls.
They don't want them.
Now everything is online and,I'm pretty sure, much more
advanced everything, but at thattime I had like four or five
houses that I was going to teachArabic.
Speaker 1 (15:12):
So you got a job because you were home all day
and the kids were in school?
No, this I actually was doingafter school and I was going to
teach Arabic.
So you got a job because youwere home all day and the kids
were in school.
Speaker 2 (15:17):
No, I actually was doing after school and I was
dragging my two kids with meeverywhere I went because he had
to go drive the cab to the cityand I was taking them with me
teaching Arabic.
Then, little by little, theystarted talking about doing
homework help.
So I was doing homework helpOne of the family.
They started talking aboutdoing homework help.
So I was doing homework helpOne of the family.
(15:38):
They told me about thispreschool that's free and my son
was of that age at that point,so I went there.
We enrolled him.
My ex-husband was very happythat it was free.
It was a low income for lowincome families Head Start
that's where my son was enrolled.
Low-income families Head Startthat's where my son was enrolled
.
They were hiring for asubstitute and, of course, I had
(16:04):
to ask him for permission andhe was like how much money will
you be getting?
I started with a $12 an hour.
Speaker 1 (16:07):
For me, it was like yay, I'm making money, of course
, and you had to help pay thebills, correct?
Speaker 2 (16:11):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (16:12):
Because he wasn't making ends meet with this cab
driver no, he used to take thetutoring.
Speaker 2 (16:17):
Everything was cash.
He's like okay, give me themoney, I'll put in the bank.
I was not allowed to have abank account, not even a joint
account.
I pay the bills.
Speaker 1 (16:27):
Give me the money, okay, you work you come home and
, on top of all the other crapthat's going on, you hand them
over all the paycheck.
Okay.
That had to get old after awhile.
Speaker 2 (16:40):
Yes, I got a job.
And then comes the.
You know, when you fill out thepaperwork, I'm like I need a
bank account.
They're going to direct deposit.
He's like, no, you don't needthe direct deposit, let's tell
them to send you a check.
I will deposit in my bank.
I'm like I didn't have enoughclothes to wear.
Kids were like the whatever thecheapest things we could find.
(17:04):
He used to tell me you seethose donation boxes, the
clothes outside.
Go pick something.
That's what you're wearing.
Speaker 1 (17:12):
After you worked all week and brought home a paycheck
.
God forbid you take it and goto Target or Walmart to buy
yourself something.
Speaker 2 (17:19):
Oh, that's too expensive, that's too expensive,
yeah, go to the donation box.
Speaker 1 (17:22):
Oh my God.
Speaker 2 (17:24):
Okay, meanwhile, in Pakistan we were so rich I've
never worn a cloth twice.
I was famous in the university.
This is the person, the girlwho never wears a cloth twice.
We had so much Right, we woreit once, gave it to the maids.
We had the maids, thechauffeurs, big, huge house,
several cars that's where I comefrom To this, yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:46):
So that you know what that.
I always say this too.
That's hard.
That itself is hard Coming from.
You know, I always say it'seasy to gain.
You know what I mean.
Come from nothing and then likewinning the lottery.
You know what I'm saying.
But it's very hard when youhave it and then you have to
(18:09):
backtrack and you lose it on topof all that other stuff, other
stuff going on.
Speaker 2 (18:13):
Yep, it's emotionally draining.
Speaker 1 (18:17):
Absolutely.
And for you not to call homewhen your father called and be
like Dad Rich an outfit.
He's making me go to the.
You know what I give you creditfor that.
That's like I think that's acultural thing.
You know that you just didn'twant to disappoint your father
and didn't want to make you sofar away.
(18:38):
You don't want to worry, it'snot like he's an hour drive away
.
But let me tell you somethingpersonally, ladies I would have
been on that phone in 20 seconds.
I would have been like Dad,this is bullshit, Like I don't
know how you didn't do it.
I would have been like he lied,he's been married.
Oh, he lied, he's been married.
For, oh my God, I would haveunraveled everything to my
father in two seconds.
Speaker 2 (19:00):
That's a cultural difference.
I just feel like he would be sostressed.
Yeah, and I didn't want him toget anything else.
I know why you did it.
But like now turn this around,if it were your daughter?
Speaker 1 (19:09):
If this was your daughter, wouldn't you want her
to be like Mom?
He's a loser.
I hate him.
I want to come home, Right,yeah, and you wouldn't want
anything else.
You wouldn't care.
Even if I was sick and on mydeathbed, I would want my son or
my daughter to call me up andbe like Mom.
They lied.
(19:30):
I'd be like, okay, okay, we'llfix it Right as a mother, Right.
Speaker 2 (19:37):
So as a mother now you can I think even though my
mom was from that culture.
If my mom was alive at thattime, I'm 100% sure she wouldn't
have never Let.
Speaker 1 (19:46):
you have even left Pakistan with that, man Never.
She would have looked at himand known he was bad.
Right, I'm sure she would.
You know how we can like lookat a guy as we get older and we
could be like yeah, no, Mominstinct yeah.
Yes, Okay, so you're working.
He's taking your paycheck.
How does the abuse, like youknow, get me to the point of the
(20:07):
abuse is so bad.
What was that pivotal momentfor you where you were like I'm
done with this.
Where you were like I'm donewith this?
Also, we have to mention, too,that not only were you working,
bringing home money, but youalso said you were you living in
a house.
That was, and the room wasbeing rented.
Speaker 2 (20:26):
No, that's where the point came that I was making
more money than him and halfmost of his was cash and he was
putting it at the bank, payingthe rent, whatever.
He became lazier and lazierEvery time I come home he's
laying on the couch, yeah bornplaying on the TV, me and my
little kids running in dirtydiapers, of course, right.
(20:50):
And I used to get so frustratedSink full of dishes House a
mess, yes, and I'm like, whatare you doing?
And his response was they'rekids, they don't know nothing,
right.
Speaker 1 (21:02):
They don't know any better Right Nowadays.
The kids would get taken awayfrom him.
I know Back then't know anybetter Right Nowadays the kids
would get taken away from him.
Speaker 2 (21:08):
I know, back then it was different it was different,
it was very different.
Speaker 1 (21:10):
So you're working all day.
He's home laying on the couchwatching porn, doing God only
knows what else drinking, nottaking care of the kids, bathing
the kids, nothing.
You come home and it's worseoff than when you left.
So it's like a job after a jobafter a job, yep.
So and I know a lot of womenfeel that way I just saw
(21:31):
something from a woman thatposted something very similar
and she's like what do I do?
And we're all like, well, whatis he offering you?
What would?
How is it?
You know, it's supposed to be apartnership, right, a marriage,
they say.
And this is nowhere near apartnership okay.
Speaker 2 (21:52):
So, and then again he knew that I don't have anywhere
to go.
That's the controlling factor.
It became in my secondrelationship too, because he
knew that I don't have family,no brother, no uncles, nobody's
coming to ask, no one's savingyou, yeah.
So he's like oh, what are yougoing to say?
He already knew.
Oh, I know, you're not going totell your dad, he's already so
sick, like why would you do it?
Speaker 1 (22:13):
You haven't done it yet.
He's calling your bluff.
You know it's like when youkeep saying I'm going to say if
you cheat on me again, I'm goingto leave you, and they're like
sure you're not leaving, you'renot going anywhere.
Speaker 2 (22:31):
Yeah, Okay.
So anyways, in this meantime wehad enough saves, so that's
another story.
We went to look for houses andhe's like I want to buy a house.
Yes, I want to buy a house.
I've been renting because Iwasn't married.
Now, okay, let's look intohouses.
Okay, we're looking for houses.
He applied for mortgage and thebank is like your income,
whatever he shows on paperwasn't enough.
Speaker 1 (22:53):
And a criminal record nonetheless.
Speaker 2 (22:55):
Yes, yes.
And so he goes okay, what aboutif we add her income?
It wasn't that much, but it wascash.
They were like, as long as youprove it, it was cash.
Then they were like, as long asyou prove it that it's a steady
income, turn the books.
Yeah, yes.
So finally we got approved.
And then comes the part wherethey have to put the name on the
deed.
He goes no, that the house willbe in my name, Of course it
(23:16):
will, and the bank is like areyou an idiot?
Like her paperwork, her stuff isthere, so her name goes there,
thank God for the bank right yes, sure, yes, sure yeah, because
he just wanted you to geteverything for him.
Uh-huh so finally we got thehouse we living there.
Now comes one month, passed bythe second month, oh, we can't
(23:37):
pay the mortgage.
I'm like how the sorry?
Speaker 1 (23:40):
right curse word right, of course.
No, you can say it.
How the fuck can we not pay themortgage?
I'm working my ass off.
Speaker 2 (23:47):
And then he goes the mortgage is too much, maybe we
should rent a room upstairs.
I'm like, ok, I'm like webought this house so the kids
have their rooms.
Yeah.
He's like, oh, the kids arelittle that we can share, we can
be just downstairs.
It was one small bedroom andone bigger bedroom.
The rest of the bedrooms wereupstairs.
(24:08):
I'm like, okay, so we rentedthe two rooms upstairs.
That's how I met my secondex-husband.
So, anyways, the money wascoming in and he started.
We started.
At this point my father hadpassed away.
It was another emotional, sucha devastation that I couldn't.
It was hard for me dealing withall that on top of, but I was
kind of at a relief knowing thatI don't have to please anybody
(24:30):
anymore or hide anything or hideanything.
so I started speaking up andthat's where the argument
started happening.
He used to take my keys awayand he did get me another phone
once I was able to get thesecond job, and and but again
the phone line is still in hisname.
All the bills are still in hisname.
I don't have a credit card.
He doesn't want me in anythingother than on the deed.
(24:53):
Everything else was in his name, so he I'm sorry, I forgot when
was I going Take your keys away.
Yes, take my keys away and phoneaway.
As soon as I get home, thosethings go away.
You do your kitchen stuff inyour room, that's it.
You're done for the night.
You're not going, you're nothaving friends, can't watch TV
Nope.
Speaker 1 (25:13):
Nothing, not a glass of wine, no Chardonnay watching
dating daycare, I can tell youthat much.
Not in that household.
Right, I still don't.
And you even had said to methat he locked you in the room.
Speaker 2 (25:25):
Yes, Because I had have had arguments like why the
hell I am not able to do this,this, this Now, because I was
working at school.
So there was a social worker.
Sometimes I used to go cry toher and her mind was blown.
She was like you're not inPakistan, what are you talking
about?
He takes your keys.
This is abuse.
(25:46):
I'm like huh, right, right.
Well, you didn't know.
Right, I'm being a wife, I'mtaking care of the kids, and
she's like absolutely not Right.
Speaker 1 (25:57):
Yeah Well, you don't, you know what you don't know.
It's kind of like if I go tothe Middle East, I wouldn't know
.
You know, sometimes asAmericans, I've never been, I
would love to go to dubai butI've never been.
But you hear sometimes, oh, youhave to wear the burqa, what
like you don't know.
So if you threw me in themiddle of the middle east, I
(26:17):
wouldn't know.
If someone told me, listen, youcan't come out before sunset
and you gotta wear a burqka andyou're not allowed to drive
after two o'clock, I'd be like,all right, I guess you're not
allowed.
Like how would you know I getit?
Speaker 2 (26:33):
so my father had passed away.
We had the house.
Now the rent started coming in,so we kind of like hanging on,
okay.
But then I started gettingupset I frustrated yes, like
you're down, I am working sevendays a week.
Two, three jobs seven days aweek.
Speaker 1 (26:48):
Imagine what it does to you.
Speaker 2 (26:51):
We're taking care of your own kids, two little kids,
toddlers, three, two and a halfand three and a half.
It was so much work.
I was like a machine, keptgoing on and on and of course I
was having arguments.
I was blowing up, kept going onand on and of course I was
having arguments.
I was blowing up my firstex-husband.
I know he never physicallytouched me, but the other abuse
(27:11):
was all their financial, mental,emotional, the control.
Speaker 1 (27:17):
I mean being locked in the room.
You come home, you're doneworking, you clean the whole
house, take care of the kids,put them to to sleep time.
To lock yourself in your room,like get in your room.
(27:38):
I mean it's insanity.
Speaker 2 (27:38):
But then the guy that you were renting the room to
upstairs came in like lovebombing, like what we call love
bomber ladies.
Speaker 1 (27:41):
Yeah, the night and shining armor.
Oh, oh, my God, I see howhorrible he treats you.
He took away your keys in yourcar.
Let me drive you to work.
You don't have enough lunchmoney.
Here's, you know, here's ahundred bucks for you.
He started with twenty bucksbut yeah.
(28:01):
Yeah right, I can only imagineI could play his tune right now.
I didn't even know he gave youlunch money, but I knew.
Speaker 2 (28:09):
You know where it is and how it is.
Speaker 1 (28:11):
So he came in like this and you were like wow.
Speaker 2 (28:15):
I was like, oh wow, he's white, he's American, he's
such a nice guy, those eyes, ohRight.
Speaker 1 (28:22):
And he's treating me.
He's not locking me in my roomat the end of the night.
No, yeah, taking the garbageout, playing with the kids in
the yard, like all the rightthings, all the things your
husband wasn't doing Wasn'tdoing, yes, and my husband a
couple of times.
Speaker 2 (28:38):
He noticed and he was like I don't want the kids
playing with him, I don't wantyou talking to him.
He kind of was very upset whenhe saw me and him talking.
Some one of the days I washanging clothes or something.
We had a dryer but I wasn'tallowed to use the dryer.
No it it.
It wastes electricity.
Go hang the clothes on thelines up.
Speaker 1 (28:59):
Oh my god let me tell you something.
God bless you, because let metell you something, this, this
guy, I would have been likeyou're out of your fucking mind.
You go hang the clothes outside.
This guy probably would haveended up beating me up because
my mouth would have gotten me ina lot of trouble.
All right, so all right.
(29:20):
Not allowed to use the dryer.
As he lays on the couch and youwork three jobs.
Yeah, unreal, unreal.
The audacity, yeah, absolutelythe audacity.
Okay, so the safe.
So this guy comes in.
He comes flying through,treating you love, bombing you
to death.
Oh my god, was he ever like yougot to get out of this yes, he
(29:45):
was couple of the arguments.
Speaker 2 (29:46):
He came down banging on the door.
He's like he called me likesamia, do you want me to call
the cops?
This is not okay.
What he is doing like I'm likeoh wow, wow, he cares about me,
right.
Speaker 1 (29:57):
Well, you know what it makes sense, though, and you
know what I always like to bringthis back.
You had no family.
Your mother passed away whenyou were younger.
So, you know, like, as ourgirls get older, I think we tend
to watch out for this, or,especially if we've been through
certain things, I alwayslightly try to steer my daughter
(30:20):
, you know, even if it's with agirlfriend.
Oh, you know what A snake isalways a snake.
You know what I mean.
Like you know, a girlfriend oh,you know what A snake is always
a snake.
You know what I mean.
Like you know, a girlfriendthat always doesn't have your
back isn't going to ever haveyour back.
So I think we tried it, and Idon't think you had that as a
young girl, you know, becauseyour mom had passed away young,
and then here you had nobody toguide you really or explain to
(30:42):
you blame to you, and then whathe did to you had to be so
traumatic.
You know your self-esteem andyou.
You had no therapy or help, soit's almost like you went from
one to the other and not capableof seeing the red flags yeah so
(31:02):
okay, so the so what was thelast straw?
where you got rid of the firsthusband, the one you arranged to
, and now went to this guy thatwas renting.
Speaker 2 (31:14):
So my first husband I had.
With the help of the socialworker, I was able to go get an
order of protection because shewas like this is not okay.
He started calling my job andmy boss was like this can't be
happening.
This is called stalking.
Why is he calling me tocomplain about you?
Right, it was like I wasshocked Like what are you doing?
You're gonna get me fired, Iknow, and she was nice, like I'm
(31:37):
very blessed.
Every supervisor I've workedwith I'm very flexible,
organized, like I know my job,what I'm doing, and I've never
had any complaints, thank God,yes, I criticize me, help me,
support me, I will learn.
I'm a fast learner.
I can do anything you want meto, just let me know how to do
it Right.
So I didn't have an issue.
(31:57):
She's like I can call the copsand I can do that, or you figure
it out.
It's your house stuff.
It shouldn't be carrying to thejob, right?
this is talking all this right,it doesn't go on here yes, so I
did go to the court nasa countyat that time I did get the order
of protection going to thecourt and doing all that stuff
paperwork.
Speaker 1 (32:16):
I know it's exhausting.
It's exhausting.
Speaker 2 (32:18):
I did that with my ex it's exhausting, exhausting and
I feel like for some reason,they still look at you like I'm
the victim here.
They still look at you like I'mthe victim here.
They still look at you like yousure you want to do this, like
I don't know.
I just didn't like the looks,the way the lawyers, the free
lawyers that you get, talk toyou.
I wouldn't say an aim oranything, but I'm just saying I
(32:40):
felt like it's kind of like howdo you say it?
Like there is some.
If you have a woman lawyer,it's different.
Oh yeah, the prejudice.
Yes, so I still remember acouple of the comments.
I don't want to say it oranything.
When I was going to courtbecause of the second ex-husband
, the lawyer was very mean.
And it was like oh so now youhave the second one and now
(33:04):
you're having troubles with thesecond one.
Speaker 1 (33:06):
Yeah, like what's wrong with you?
Right, exactly.
You don't know the whole story.
Just move on and fill up thepaperwork.
Speaker 2 (33:14):
No, it is.
Court's never a good place toend up.
You waste your whole day there.
It just takes so long it does.
The court system is here too,especially family law.
Speaker 1 (33:25):
Yes, A lot of women go through that, with divorce,
with child custody, with support, all of that no, it's a
horrible.
It really needs to be redone.
But so you got away from himand then you fell into the arms
of the new guy.
Yes, right.
Speaker 2 (33:42):
Because he was going to help you.
Speaker 1 (33:44):
He was going to support you, he was going to
help you.
Yeah, he was going to supportyou.
Speaker 2 (33:47):
He was going to help you.
He was for a while a couple ofmonths in the beginning because
my ex-husband he took both thecars.
As soon as I got the order ofprotection, I wake up next
morning there's nothing in therefrigerator for the kids.
I opened the door.
Both the cars are gone.
Now I'm like it's not like weweren't on the main road.
I can just walk somewhere.
I need a vehicle even to get tothe bus stop.
(34:07):
It's not Right.
You need to drive and he knewthat I have two kids at home,
but because?
No, he did not.
Speaker 1 (34:15):
And I'm sure he took all the money in the bank
accounts too.
I knew that one was comingRight, so now you're sitting
there and you're like oh my God,I know I can't get to work.
I'm in this house, I have topay the bills, it's in my name
and I have no car.
No way of getting to work.
Let's go call Prince Edwardupstairs.
(34:36):
Yes, that's what I do, right?
Hi guys, this is the end ofpart one.
Please join us next week forpart two.
It is just as emotional andjust as amazing, and you will
hear how she prevails.
This was Emotional Abuse andnext week will be the physical,
(34:59):
so join us.
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