December 18, 2024 • 38 mins
What happens when a supposedly supportive partner becomes your worst nightmare during one of the most vulnerable times in your life? Our guest bravely shares her heart-wrenching experience of enduring domestic abuse while pregnant, shedding light on the often-hidden red flags that can signal a relationship's dangerous turn. Her story is not just about survival but also about the remarkable strength it takes to balance work, raise children, and manage finances without a partner’s support. With an unflinching look at her past, she reveals how she found the courage to protect her children and underscores the vital role support systems play for women facing similar challenges.
Imagine navigating the stormy seas of financial instability and emotional turmoil while raising a family. Our guest found herself escaping an abusive relationship with her second ex-husband, confronting the harsh realities of frequent relocations and the emotional strain on her children. Despite facing foreclosure and the pressure to maintain appearances, she shares how she overcame self-doubt and gaslighting to ultimately seek a better life. Her journey illustrates the transformative power of realizing one's own worth and the indispensable strength drawn from support networks, offering a beacon of hope for those striving to change their circumstances.
The path to safety and independence after enduring abuse is fraught with obstacles, but it is not impossible. We explore our guest's resilient journey through inefficient systems like Child Protective Services, as she fought for her children’s well-being, including advocating for a child with a rare genetic disorder. From securing custody to transitioning from a shelter to becoming a special education teacher with dual master's degrees, her story is a testament to the power of perseverance. Her experiences highlight the urgent need for systemic reform and serve as an inspiring reminder of the importance of asking for help, encouraging others to keep striving for a brighter future.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
Welcome back to Baby Gator.
This is part two of our story.
We are going to hit on thedomestic abuse today, physical
abuse, where our guest getspunched in the face and dragged
while she's pregnant andunspeakable things.
It's an emotional episode.
She's pregnant and unspeakablethings.
It's an emotional episode, butshe does prevail and we are
(00:29):
having this episode.
To help any of you ladies, wehave great resources that are
going to be named, so pleasejoin us.
It is a amazing story.
I have no car, no way ofgetting to work.
Let's go call Prince Edwardupstairs yes, that's what I did.
All right Come help me.
Speaker 2 (00:50):
Meanwhile.
I didn't even bother to ask himwhat his situation was.
Why was he renting a room?
He just told me Red flag.
I know red flag.
Oh, big flag.
You know what I got?
Speaker 1 (01:02):
to get a flag.
I think I'll be right.
I'm going to get one of thosered flags and every time I have
interviews or somebody, I'mgoing to raise it.
Red flag, you know that thingthat automatically goes up.
Yes, yes, but it's funny.
We were just saying the thingsthat you see now, but you know
what?
That you didn't see then, butthat you didn't see then, but
you were in sheer panic.
(01:23):
I would have done the samething, sorry, ladies, if I woke
up one morning, had a mortgageto pay for, cars were taken away
, no food in the fridge, twokids had to get to school and
work at 9 am or else I'm goingto be homeless.
I would be in sheer panic.
I'd ask Freddy Krueger upstairsto help me at that point.
Speaker 2 (01:42):
No I would.
Speaker 1 (01:45):
I'd be in panic mode and back then there wasn't Uber.
Speaker 2 (01:47):
There wasn't all these things.
I didn't even know how to useany of that Right.
Being honest, yeah, I'm finenow.
I learned things my way, butyeah, I could have never been
able to.
Anyways, he was helping me inthe beginning, taking me to work
, picking kids up off the school, like really nice guy.
And I'm in my mind like how didthis happen?
Speaker 1 (02:06):
I'm so lucky Yep, I'm so lucky.
The luckiest person God'sgiving me grace because of all
the shit I just went through.
Right, I say that sometimesthey go give me grace.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
I would say that I guess it was the grace that I
got that strength to hold on toand my kids Right, I just kept
going because of the kids.
There have been times when Iwanted to just, of course, like
just give me something.
Just get me out of here, butjust the kids.
Speaker 1 (02:38):
Yep, they kept me going Well, as a mother, they
always, because they depend onyou.
Yep, right, yeah.
So the second guy.
What was the first thing he didthat was abusive?
Now, now, wait, it was prettygood you married him.
Speaker 2 (02:53):
No, no, not yet.
Speaker 1 (02:54):
Not yet.
Speaker 2 (02:55):
No, I'm still counting the red flags.
I'm still going, okay.
Making excuses for the redflags.
But what was the?
Speaker 1 (03:01):
first, really abusive thing that you recognized and
you were like flags.
But what was the first?
Speaker 2 (03:04):
really abusive thing that you recognized and you were
like he got really upset andpunched me in my face.
That's a big red flag.
Yeah, and the way it happenedwas I was a substitute teacher
and that day I had actuallygotten a promotion.
They made me a teacher becauseI went back to school, so I'm
all excited.
Coming home.
That was one of the days thatthe schools were out but the
preschool was open, so I had togo to work home.
(03:25):
That was one of the days thatthe schools were out but the
preschool was open, so I had togo to work and he was taking
care of the kids, my kids atthis point they're like five,
six, six, seven, like still,like you know kids are kids
jumping off the couches doingstuff like that.
So I get home and he's veryupset that I had to watch them
all day.
I lost a job, by the way, hewas a plumber.
Off the books Used to just runour referrals, and off the books
(03:50):
Right, I will underline it offthe books that I suffer now
because I don't get any childsupport at all.
Speaker 1 (03:57):
So red flag, yes, red flag, another red flag.
Speaker 2 (04:04):
So anyways, he's like oh, I make money and blah money
and blah, blah, blah.
I didn't get into details atthat point.
Why don't you pay taxes andthis and that?
Speaker 1 (04:09):
well, in your situation, we weren't even
thinking of that.
Speaker 2 (04:11):
Yeah he did give me money in the beginning.
Whatever, we were short coupleof months we tried to, and then
we kind of start going behindbecause he's not renting
upstairs.
Now he's moved in downstairswith us.
He's not giving me any rent.
He's moved in downstairs withus.
He's not giving me any rent.
He's kind of like, okay, freefor all.
Oh, I'm watching your kids, I'mbringing food in, I'm paying a
couple of bills, like kind ofokay, and I understood it.
Speaker 1 (04:36):
Well you were like okay, it's a relationship, now
we're going to split the bills,you're not renting a room
anymore, so I'm sure he washappy about that Yep.
Speaker 2 (04:45):
So I came home and I'm very excited telling him the
news that I got promoted.
I'll get a little bit of raise,not much but like okay,
whatever, it's a step up yeah.
And he was going off and off.
The kids did this and this andthis.
And then I remember on thetable there was a flower vase
with flowers in it he might havebought, bought the flowers, I
don't remember at this time andthen he goes, he like swooped
(05:08):
the flowers across the table.
It fell and broke glasseverywhere.
Kids got scared and ran in theother room and then he came up
to me and punched me right inthe face and I was on the floor
so shocked.
I had heard stories and I'mlike, in america men hit women
(05:29):
like it's true.
I had a big bruise on my facefor days.
I kept covering it with makeup,me kept apologizing to him.
He is at this point.
He's like oh, I will leave you,I don't have to be here, I'm
not taking care of you, like allthe blah, blah, blah.
Now that I know, after a whilehis ex-girlfriend started coming
(05:50):
around and she was the one whotold me you know what he does,
right?
I'm like what do you mean?
I had smelled weird things, butme, being naive, I didn't know
what weed is.
I don't know what crack smellslike she's, like he does crack
and weed, you didn't know.
She kind of made fun of me,laughed at me and I'm like no.
(06:12):
How am I supposed to know whenI'm never exposed to any of it?
Right, I did see differentbehaviors in him, but I never,
like, had courage to ask him.
Right or associate you.
All I saw him was smoking andhe was smoking outside in the
yard.
I'm like as long as you're notin front of the kids.
It's fine, Right, you had othershit going on.
(06:32):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (06:33):
Work kids house yeah, stress, it's like somebody
walked right.
Speaker 2 (06:38):
Yeah, when I found out that he did drugs and then I
started making connections.
Okay, so the times that hedoesn't have it, he goes in that
mode and then as soon as hesmokes, it's a whole different
person.
Speaker 1 (06:51):
So he's an addict?
Speaker 2 (06:52):
Yep, okay, still is and always will be.
He refuses to see his kids.
Speaker 1 (06:59):
So you had one child with the first husband.
Speaker 2 (07:02):
No two.
Speaker 1 (07:02):
Two kids with the first husband and two with the
second.
Okay, how long were you married?
Now to the second one.
Speaker 2 (07:10):
The second one.
We were together for like nineyears but married only two.
Okay, that's a long time.
Yes.
Speaker 1 (07:16):
That's a long time, and how else was he abusive, did
he?
Speaker 2 (07:20):
constantly hit you.
The second one, yep.
Then it became the whole cyclecycle, the cycle that they teach
you.
There's a honeymoon period,then there then comes the
flowers.
Speaker 1 (07:29):
Oh, everything is okay, so they hit, he hit you,
and then he's like I'm so, sosorry, yes, and then again sorry
but you made me do it.
Speaker 2 (07:37):
You made gaslighting.
Yeah, right, the gaslighting.
Speaker 1 (07:41):
I'm sorry, I won't do it again, but you're a piece of
shit, so you kind of deservedit, but I won't do it again yeah
, the narcissistic, themanipulation, it's like he fits
the perfect definition.
Speaker 2 (07:54):
He had like two personalities, on and off the
drugs.
Speaker 1 (07:57):
It became so clear to me so you knew, so you just
started working him for who hewas you knew knew, you started
knowing.
Oh look, he must need the drugs.
He's acting this way.
Speaker 2 (08:08):
I used to give him money.
Here, go get your drugs.
Speaker 1 (08:11):
Right, just leave me the hell alone, so you don't
show me all this Like I can't, Idon't have time for it.
Speaker 2 (08:15):
No, don't hit me, don't like, don't Right.
Speaker 1 (08:20):
Go, get off, just get away, yep, okay.
So then when was the point intime where you're like okay, I
got to get a plan, something Igot to get out of here.
This can't go on anymore.
It's not good for me, it's notgood for the kids, it's not good
for anybody.
Speaker 2 (08:37):
So I kept making excuses Me.
In my mind, I'm in love.
I love this person.
I will change him, I'll fix himthere will be a miracle.
Speaker 1 (08:46):
I'll be better and he'll get better.
Speaker 2 (08:47):
I'll cook better I'll take care of the kids better
I'll of course let me do this.
He it will help.
Like he'll be happy.
Let me buy him this right.
He'll be happy.
And it came to the point then.
Okay, his family started comingaround.
Meanwhile, he wasn't talking tohis family since he was 18
because of his behavior big redflag right well, I didn't know
(09:10):
at that point yes when theyfound out I was pregnant with my
first son with him we weren'tmarried at that time the the
family came around.
They were all nice people, sweetpeople, they have houses in new
jersey, good people, brothers,sisters.
I didn't even know that he hadthis big, huge family because
nobody wanted any part of him,right because of his violent
(09:33):
behavior.
Speaker 1 (09:34):
His ex-girlfriend did tell me later, right, you said
that he's violent and he doesdrugs, but I was at that point
like eight months in it.
Speaker 2 (09:44):
I'm like, okay, and in my mind you know that
self-esteem issue.
Oh, I already got rid of onehusband.
Now this guy I'm trying to makesomething with is going to
leave.
What are the people going tosay?
What I'm going to tell mysisters, right, that all that
plays in the back of your headLike this has to be something
wrong with me.
I don't know how to do things.
(10:05):
I don't know how to make a manhappy.
Speaker 1 (10:08):
It makes you crazy, right, like self-esteem denial,
absolutely, and and the factthat you know what?
I always say this, and I'vedone this too.
Listen, women have told me he'snot a good guy.
And you turn around, you'relike what are you talking about?
(10:29):
And I always say this,especially online too.
Ladies, we have better thingsto do with our day than tell you
that he's cheating on you 99%of the time.
We have better things to dowith our day than turn around
and warn.
You know what I mean.
Like a lot of times, peoplewill be like oh, she's just
(10:51):
jealous, she just wants him back, she just, you know, she's just
a Karen, or like this crazylunatic that you know just is
senile and that's why she'sdoing this, just to break us up
and to be mean.
Speaker 2 (11:05):
Yeah, that's when you're called crazy, Right no?
Speaker 1 (11:08):
no, they're trying to help you because they're out
and they're on the other sideand they're like you're not
seeing the path, but I alreadydriven down the path.
So I'll tell you what's at theend of this path.
And we've all made the mistakeMost of us shouldn't say all and
we haven't listened and we endup where we are.
My ex-husband's ex-wife notthat I'm going to say she's the
(11:33):
most perfect person.
She had plenty of faultsherself and did plenty of
unreasonable things, but shewarned me.
She warned me.
She was like not a no, not good, not gonna turn out good.
And I'm like what are youtalking about?
This is great, guy.
I mean, I didn't have any abuselike that, um, but you know it
(11:54):
all.
It all washes out in the endyep, okay.
Speaker 2 (11:59):
so then you, you're like okay we kept moving from
place to place.
That was another thing.
Nobody advised me at that time.
My second ex-husband he waslike oh, we can't pay the
mortgage.
The foreclosure notices startedcoming in and I'm like there
has to be a way we can go talkto the bank.
My name is in the house, likethere has to be a way we can go
talk to the bank.
My name is in the house, likethere has to be a way to save it
(12:20):
.
There are millions of programsout there.
And he's like no, no, don'tworry about it, we'll buy our
own house.
The fairy tale We'll buy ourown house.
No, we have to leave.
We have to leave.
We can't live here anymore.
So we kind of moved and leftthe house.
I didn't even I don't remembergetting any calls or paperwork.
I did get a lot of paperwork.
I had no idea.
(12:40):
Most of it it was basicallylike, okay, we will foreclose
the house.
I didn't know it takes years togo through all that and I'm not
from here so I don't know.
You asked me questions aboutPakistan, how banks work there.
I can tell you everything here.
Speaker 1 (12:56):
I had no idea.
Speaker 2 (13:02):
So, anyways, so we left the house there.
Every place we rented he hadargument with the landlords.
We moved so many times.
My kids had to change theschool so many times.
My two older kids.
They suffer and I am guilty ofit.
I am very ashamed of it, but Ididn't know better.
I tried to help, I tried tomake it work, right, you?
tried your best, it just didn't.
My two older kids they stillstruggle.
They have tried their best.
(13:23):
They are amazing kids for whatthey have been through, but it's
still hard.
Right, it's still hard.
There have been times that Ican see in their faces or they
will talk about something and Iit just you know, it rips your
heart Like oh that was becauseof me.
Speaker 1 (13:39):
And.
Speaker 2 (13:39):
I just can't erase that.
No, I can't ever fix that.
Speaker 1 (13:44):
But you did an amazing job of getting out of it
.
You got out of it.
You got out of it and that'sthe most important thing you
were dealt a very difficult cardand that's why I had you on
here, because it is just anamazing story and we haven't
even gotten to the amazing partyet.
(14:04):
That is just so inspirational.
That which we're getting to yougot out of that you planned.
You said I know this isn't good, I know I can do.
Well, you didn't even know youcould do better.
You just took a shot in the darkright.
(14:25):
Yes, and you.
Speaker 2 (14:29):
It was hard.
I kept making excuses.
Then again the people at school, or I would hear from the
doctors or you know there ishelp, or you know you can leave,
or why you staying?
All the things that people saythat okay, because I was still
working.
Work never stopped, I was stillworking.
Then came to the point that hisfamily was involved.
So he kind of like, don't tellthem anything, you don't have to
(14:52):
tell them anything about drugs.
I'm like, okay, mouth shutnothing.
Every time we went for thechristmas parties and stuff,
like pretend to be the happiestpeople, and his mom kept telling
me you are a saint.
Well, we know him right and theway you are.
And I'm just looking at herface and not saying a word.
Speaker 1 (15:12):
You're good at that.
See me, I would have saideverything.
I would have been like I am asaint saint.
He's a drug addict.
You have no idea.
I need help, I need help.
But you just see now, hopefullyyou've learned maybe a little
bit now to ask for help when youneed it, right, because
sometimes that could be adetriment to you.
(15:33):
Know what I'm saying.
Like maybe you would have beenable to just get some help or
somebody to speak to andsomebody just you know what.
Sometimes, when people gaslightyou I know I felt this way they
make you feel like you're thecrazy one.
And sometimes you just needsomebody to turn around to and
(15:55):
then say you're not crazy, he'scrazy.
Speaker 2 (15:59):
Like.
Speaker 1 (15:59):
I know I have that with my cousins all the time.
Sometimes I used to call.
I'd be like, am I crazy?
He just did A, b, c and D.
Is it me?
Am I the problem?
And just to hear somebody say,no, my husband would never do
that, my friends would never dothat, my uncle would never do
(16:21):
that, just gives you thestrength to know I'm doing the
right thing.
Speaker 2 (16:23):
Right, absolutely, yep, you need those people in
your court.
You need those friends, thefamily members, just about
whoever it is.
Speaker 1 (16:29):
Yes, absolutely so then what?
How did you get away?
Tell us how you got away okay.
Speaker 2 (16:37):
so I had my first son .
The family came around,everybody all happy, nice things
, blah, blah, blah.
We kept going Okay, let's getmarried, let's get engaged.
It will get better.
We got engaged, let's getmarried, let's have another kid.
I Will tell you.
The second time I got pregnantI was kind of very upset because
in the back of my mind I wastrying to plan.
(16:58):
Kind of very upset because inthe back of my mind I was trying
to plan some way out of it.
And I'm like God, not now Likewhy, and I guess it just happens
, I just could.
Never was able to bring myselfto get an abortion, doesn't
matter, I know your body, yourchoice, all that matter it.
(17:20):
I know your body, your choice,all that.
I absolutely understand, right,the emotions.
Speaker 1 (17:24):
I went through, or it was just like no, it's my child
, I don't care.
Okay, I don't care absolutelyso.
Speaker 2 (17:28):
Anyways, the abuse kept.
Meanwhile, I was pregnant.
Both times I was gotten hit Iwas dragged on the floor with my
hair choked to that me beingpregnant him, I'm pregnant with
your child.
You asshole, what are you doing, right?
He did not care.
Speaker 1 (17:44):
He did not care Drugs .
Speaker 2 (17:46):
At that point he was like where are you going?
Speaker 1 (17:48):
Right, right.
Where are you going?
You don't have family.
Speaker 2 (17:51):
Where are you going?
Speaker 1 (17:51):
Who are you?
Speaker 2 (17:52):
going to tell my mother Right.
What are you going to do?
Yeah, call the cops on me RightNow.
He knows, right, it came to thepoint that 9-1-1, he's outside
and he was arrested.
Good, and he was.
You called the cops on me.
Speaker 1 (18:08):
I'm like yes, I did, thank God.
Speaker 2 (18:11):
Yes, I did.
Oh, you have no idea howempowering that is to pick up
and call and even just a cop toshow up and get help, and get
help.
Speaker 1 (18:20):
You didn't have help for the past 15 years, right
Once I learned how to call Gethelp.
Speaker 2 (18:28):
It's hard, trust me, it's not that easy.
Right, you're scared they askyou a million questions.
There's a lot of paperwork, alot of things happen before you
even get to that point.
It was hard.
It was the hardest, roughestmoments of my life, but there is
help.
I know it's not easy and I knowthere's a lot of women out
(18:49):
there who think, oh no, we can't.
Yes, you can Look at me withfour kids.
That's right, four kids and thelast, last straw.
I will just explain it a littlebit.
When I had my second child, thefourth one, the youngest one, by
the way, he was born with arare genetic disorder.
Nobody knew what it was.
He had a lot of delays.
(19:11):
I was actually in a meetingthis morning I'm going through a
whole stuff.
That a whole another story,anyways.
So my, his dad, his father, mysecond ex-husband he wasn't
supportive in any way.
The early interventionspecialist used to come home
right from the knee cue.
He was sent home with all thesetherapies, the feeding therapy.
(19:32):
My ex-husband used to get somad.
And why are these people cominghome and looking at my son?
God gave us this way.
Meanwhile he never been tochurch, never talk about God.
But now God gave you.
I'm like God gave you a brain.
You freaking idiot.
You have all these therapies,all this stuff that can help you
, help your child.
Like what kind of father doesthat?
(19:54):
I was so confused that my firstex-husband was from Pakistan.
I understand his mentality, butyou grew up here, your parents
like everything here and you'restill talking shit.
Right, it's your child whoneeds help.
Speaker 1 (20:08):
Right, of course.
Speaker 2 (20:09):
Here's one of his thing.
I would say it.
He was so mean and cunning.
One of the syndrome things thatmy son has he cannot eat.
He can't feel full, so he canliterally eat himself to death.
He has no control.
So we as adults, we have tomeasure.
And of course my ex-husbandused to feed him in front of me
(20:29):
just to entice me.
Look, I'm feeding him, he's myson, I can feed him as much as I
want.
How can you get to that point?
Speaker 1 (20:38):
Right, well, crackhead, of course.
That's why that's how we got tothat point Because he was a
crackhead, he was an addict.
And nobody on a drug like thatis of, you know, stability.
There's no stability there.
There's no thinking the rightway there, I mean.
So that's how he got that way.
Speaker 2 (20:57):
Yeah.
So anyways, I'm learning abouthis new, all new thing going
through the postpartumdepression thing so many things
going on.
The third day I came back fromthe hospital.
I wanted to be back in thehospital to feed my child.
I was pumping, they wereputting it through the tube.
I wanted to be there.
I know I had three other kidsbut I was like he needs me more.
That, that pain that I feltwhen I left the hospital with my
(21:20):
baby still in eq, I would never, ever of course have anybody go
through that, and we had onecar.
He did not let me go see.
I got in a fistfight with him.
My the stitches from the csection opened back up.
They got infected me went to mygyne next day and, oh, I fell
(21:43):
off the stairs.
Speaker 1 (21:44):
Patched me up.
Speaker 2 (21:48):
Anyways, that all went through and then the CPS
was called.
In the meantime, I would saywith a grain of salt, there
might be CPS workers whoactually do their job, but the
ones that I dealt with alwaysdropped the ball on me.
Speaker 1 (22:02):
I hear that a lot.
Speaker 2 (22:04):
Dropped the ball on me.
I would have not been in thissituation many, many years ago
if everything was done.
Speaker 1 (22:11):
I know Correctly, through the CPS.
Well, now, with the whole Diddything coming out, they say that
I've heard that they've saidthat which allegedly the CPS
workers traffic some of thechildren.
Speaker 2 (22:25):
So I mean that that institution needs to be revamped
.
Very scary.
Speaker 1 (22:31):
But I don't hear good things from it ever.
Speaker 2 (22:34):
That's what I'm saying.
There might be some goodhearted people who really know
what they're doing, and helpingpeople, nope, nope, out of many
caseworkers they change thecaseworkers.
They were trying to go talk tohim and I'm like don't you see,
don't you lying?
right yeah, oh well, there's thecourt order.
Well, he needs to go take aparenting class.
(22:55):
Oh well, the court gave himtime.
Oh well, he doesn't wantcustody?
Oh well, so he doesn't have todo that.
So as of now, I have fullcustody.
I'm divorced fully from thesecond one too.
He's supposed to pay childsupport.
That he never did.
His license was suspended.
He doesn't care.
I don't know where he is andstill calls to this day with an
(23:15):
unknown number.
I refuse to change my phonenumber because I have it for so
long and it's used in all thedoctor's offices and yep, I
refuse to give that up.
I'm being stubborn.
I am stubborn.
No, I am not letting go.
Why do I have to change allthat because of you?
Just block them.
Speaker 1 (23:32):
Yeah, I block it every time, but you did, and to
leave him the second husband you.
Speaker 2 (23:40):
I had to go through an agency Long Island Against
Domestic Violence.
There are angels there.
I wanted to mention that.
Yes, one of my friend I knewthrough carecom I was actually
doing babysitting for her son.
She was like my guardian angel.
She called me in and she's likeyou look very thin, is
something going on?
(24:02):
I just needed to hear thatsomebody there to reach out.
Speaker 1 (24:06):
And just help you.
Speaker 2 (24:07):
Yep, she called me in , we sat down, she researched.
She got me the number I called.
They made a plan.
They started with a therapysession every week so I was
going out I had enough power atthis time.
I had a car so I can go out foran hour.
I started making the plan.
The therapists there wereamazing.
Speaker 1 (24:27):
Helpful.
Speaker 2 (24:28):
Very helpful at that agency.
It was like a light at the endof the tunnel.
Speaker 1 (24:35):
Which is amazing.
Speaker 2 (24:36):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (24:36):
That when you get that right, yes.
And then you went to, you tookyour kids.
Speaker 2 (24:42):
Yes, he went, my ex-husband.
He went on a hunting trip.
He's a big hunter Not that I'veseen him kill anything, but he
had guns at home, bow and arrowand all that.
So he went on his birthdayhunting trip with a couple of
other friends and I was likethis is my chance.
I took the kids bag of diapersand the documents that the
(25:03):
agency had told me this, this,this you have to have in place
before you go anywhere.
I had a car, I took all that,took my kids and I left.
I never looked back.
I have had moments of thosebouts that maybe I can go back,
maybe I can fix it.
He still used to call me cryingoh, we'll fix this, oh, don't
(25:24):
do this.
And at that point his parentswere kind of listening to me.
But once he started talking tothem again, they all kind of
turned their back.
I'm the bad guy now.
Well, I'd rather be the bad guy, but be at peace, and safe with
my kids.
Speaker 1 (25:42):
So you went to the domestic violence women's
shelter yes, what was it calledagain?
Speaker 2 (25:44):
So Long Island against domestic violence.
Ladies, if you need that theyhave a hotline number very
helpful.
Call them anytime, 24 hours aday.
If they can't help you, theyrefer you to another agency.
Everything is very confidential.
Nobody finds out anything.
Speaker 1 (26:01):
And then you actually physically drove there.
Speaker 2 (26:04):
Yes, that's another story.
For a couple of nights I had tostay in a motel because I had
already left my house, but therewas no room open at that
shelter.
Speaker 1 (26:12):
Okay.
Do they help you with the motel?
They do.
Speaker 2 (26:17):
I kind of had that money at that point so I didn't
even worry about it.
Speaker 1 (26:21):
But if somebody doesn't, I'm sure they send you
to the homeless, shelter, to thesocial services.
Speaker 2 (26:26):
It's very hard, I know it's time-consuming, you
have to be in the lines, right,but there is help.
They're doing their job.
They have to figure out peopleare not scamming them.
So I understand all thepaperwork and everything that
goes in it.
Right them.
So I understand all thepaperwork and everything that
goes in it.
Right, it's hard, it's veryhard, but you, but you did and
then you need help.
Speaker 1 (26:44):
Where do you go?
Speaker 2 (26:45):
right, my mother-in-law the day.
I told her I'm like I'm leavinghim.
I have my kids, I'm justletting you know and I didn't
tell her where I was going oranything.
She's like go get in the lineand social services.
They will help you.
These are the rich, rich people.
So they told me to go get inthe line in social services.
They will help you.
These are the rich, rich people.
They told me to go get in theline for the social services.
Speaker 1 (27:04):
Forget about turning around.
Imagine your mother-in-lawwhich isn't like here.
Speaker 2 (27:08):
Not even like oh, you can come here's some money.
Speaker 1 (27:10):
Let me pay for your hotel when?
Speaker 2 (27:12):
are you?
Speaker 1 (27:13):
No, of course not.
Go stand in line in the icecold in the middle of.
December and social services.
December 7th was the day when Ileft.
Speaker 2 (27:20):
December 7th and December 9th was when I got the
room and they called me.
It's a small room, I'm likeI'll take it, I don't care, I'm
out in the.
I was running upstate fine,trying to find a place where he
can't get me in any way, but Iwas able to get in the next day
starting next day the trip tothe social services offices,
(27:43):
paperwork, start, looking forthe job.
I was there for four months andyou said they were fabulous
they were good, you said theyhelped you with gifts.
Speaker 1 (27:52):
They were kids.
Yes, because the Christmas wasthere.
Speaker 2 (27:55):
They took them to the Christmas parties.
All of them, the whole house.
It's different in homelessshelter than the domestic
violence shelter Right, you saidthat.
And I was the only one withfour kids.
There were other women, justone child or without kids.
It was a big house.
We kind of have chores.
We came together, helped eachother out.
They have therapy sessionsthere.
(28:15):
Kids play sessions separate.
It was kind of very, I wouldwould say, peaceful at that time
, of course, knowing that you'reout of that situation, even
though there's a lot more to gothrough, right.
But I was safe with the kids.
I had no money again, right,just a little bit.
(28:36):
Whatever I had I used it up forthe motel.
But then I got the food stamps,the medical insurance and
everything.
That was a big, big help.
My kids were fed.
They provided diapers, clothesfor the kids, the basic
necessities, everything wasprovided.
Speaker 1 (28:54):
That's super helpful and just weight lifted off your
back.
That those formula diapers.
Speaker 2 (29:00):
formula diapers ladies basic clothing they
provide you with everything,everything you just have to ask,
right?
Don't be ashamed, don'thesitate.
I have asked for so many thingsand that's why, where I am, if
I would have not asked, nobodyknows.
If you don't ask, they don'tknow what you need.
That's right.
The schools were fabulous,providing transportation to and
(29:23):
back to the shelter.
It doesn't matter which shelteryou go to, there's the law that
they provide transportationtill.
Speaker 1 (29:29):
You are in a permanent housing.
And then you were there forfour months and then they helped
you get a job.
Another job, yes.
Speaker 2 (29:35):
One of the ladies from the like you know we all
help each other out she knew Iwas a teacher.
I had left the job because Iwas going through this whole
situation.
She found a flyer oh, they'rehiring again.
It's called Head Start, longIsland Head Start.
That's where I started again,went back to work and the day I
got my job letter I startedlooking for houses.
(29:57):
It's very hard to find a place,especially now.
Places are a fortune.
Now I have no idea.
I had like pads and writingpads and pads full of the
addresses going looking forplaces.
They don't want to work withthe social services, you don't
have enough income or you havefour kids.
It was very hard to find aplace.
(30:19):
But once I had the job, showingthat I'll make this much and
proof some help from socialservices it was so funny it
worked out that way because Ihad gotten the job.
So they stopped the help fromsocial services.
But I had both letters.
I brought that to the office,the Fairfield office.
At that time I'm like this ismy income, this is the help I'm
getting, even though that wasthe last letter they had told me
(30:41):
because you have a job now sowe're not going to be helping
you, but the numbers worked outand I was able to get the
apartment Right.
Speaker 1 (30:49):
And then they helped you with the down payment, with
the first month's rent and thedeposit which is amazing yes.
Speaker 2 (30:57):
They even gave me basic furniture for the kids.
Oh wow, a couch brand new,everything brand new.
You actually go and pick outthe stuff and they deliver it to
you wow, yes, that's amazing.
Speaker 1 (31:09):
It is honestly, that's really nice to know that
that's.
Speaker 2 (31:12):
And then again there's a lot of paperwork, a
lot of interviewing, a lot ofgoing knocking on doors here to
there.
But if you need it, what else?
Speaker 1 (31:20):
can you do, absolutely Right.
And then you said the firstnight that you all slept.
You had no like bed, yet youall slept on the floor.
Speaker 2 (31:29):
No, it was just carpet.
We were all on the carpet.
I put the heat up high.
I'm like okay, and the nextmorning kids just jumping
rolling around.
I remember I made pancakesafter such a long time in my own
kitchen, oh goodness.
Speaker 1 (31:43):
Yeah, with nobody telling you you can't use the
gas or the dryer, oh my gosh,and you said that was the most
peaceful night's sleep.
Speaker 2 (31:51):
Yes, that you got in years and years and years, but
you did it.
Speaker 1 (31:55):
That's why this is amazing.
And now fast forward to today.
How long ago was that?
Speaker 2 (32:01):
This was in 2018, 17, end of 17.
Oh 2018.
Speaker 1 (32:06):
March 2018.
Okay, so about six years ago,right?
Yes, six years ago, and now,today, you're working.
Speaker 2 (32:13):
I'm working.
I went back to school Becauseof my son with disabilities.
I needed to learn more.
I needed to have more knowledge.
I wanted to help other parents,other kids out.
A special education is a wholeanother animal.
It is so, anyways, I went backto school online.
I got my second dual master'sdegree through Grand Canyon.
Speaker 1 (32:33):
University Unbelievable.
I'm so proud of you.
Speaker 2 (32:36):
I know.
Then I passed all the tests, Igot certified I'm dual certified
and then I found a job betterjob as a special ed teacher,
right.
So that's where I am.
Speaker 1 (32:46):
it's been two years, almost two years but you did it,
I did it yourself throughschool.
You got the apartment, you gotthe job, you got the car right,
you got and it was such an likeoh, got a car.
Speaker 2 (33:00):
I financed a car on my own and nobody's taking your
money.
Speaker 1 (33:06):
A bank account.
That must have been a greatfeeling, yes, when you got there
, just so proud of yourself.
You know, I'm so proud of you,oh, thank you.
Speaker 2 (33:16):
We don't say this to each other.
Whoever is listening out there,I'm proud of you, but wherever
you are, whatever you're doing,you're doing the best, yes, what
you can with all the situationsthat you're in.
Speaker 1 (33:29):
Right, and what would you say if there is a woman
listening?
You know I always say thisListen, I try to have all
different guests on the show,you know, with all different
stories, so it can relate to alldifferent women in all
different situations andpredicaments.
This is, you know, more of theextreme right.
(33:50):
I mean this is a more extremeand even if women are listening
and they can't relate, like I'venever been, you know,
domestically abused when itcomes to physically right.
So it may be something that Ican't relate, like I've never
been, you know, domesticallyabused when it comes to
physically right.
So it may be something that Ican't relate to, but what I can
relate to are the common redflags that we see Now.
In your first situation, likewe've said, you didn't have the
(34:13):
luxury of even choosing who youwere marrying.
But the second time time, andnow I'm sure you're a lot older,
you're a lot wiser, and if yousee anything remotely similar
coming your way, you're probablylike bye-bye, bye.
Speaker 2 (34:31):
You know what I mean.
I don't know if you think it'sfunny or not.
I still got back on the datingstuff Me like okay, maybe, Okay,
let's try and I have learned toon the dating stuff Me like.
Okay, maybe.
Okay, let's try.
And I have learned to say no.
Speaker 1 (34:45):
Exactly For the first time, right?
Yes, absolutely.
Because, ladies, even if you'rein these predicaments we'll
kind of end on this note it ismore peaceful being by yourself
and doing it on your own, eventhough that may seem scary.
Then it is living in thesesituations, and that goes for
(35:05):
the girl that's dating the guythat's cheating on you
consistently, that goes for thewoman or the man dating the
woman.
This can go both ways, Bothways yeah.
Or the relationship that'sphysically abusive, mentally
abusive, narcissistic.
I mean the whole gamut, fromone to a hundred you can do it,
(35:27):
you can do it.
You can do it.
Speaker 2 (35:29):
It's hard.
I would never misguide you orsay it's easy.
No, it's never easy.
But if you put your mind to it,like somebody said, and you
know you have no other choice,you become strong.
You gain that strength from Idon't know where higher power,
god praying your kids, whatever,but it all just have to.
(35:50):
You just have to jump.
Speaker 1 (35:51):
you just have to take that leap and then look
eventually, through the hardwork, it worked out.
It worked out right.
You got help and then you got,you went for your master's and
your double master's.
And now look at you You're onyour own Strong, confident and
changed woman.
Speaker 2 (36:10):
Thank you.
Thank you Welcome.
You're welcome.
I just wanted to thank you forproviding me with this
opportunity.
I hope somebody who's listening.
Even if one person can take onething, it's so worth it.
Speaker 1 (36:22):
Yes, and we will put the name of that domestic
violence shelter on the podcast.
Sure, that way any women canlook it up and give us the name.
We'll put that on there.
And, ladies, if you have anystories or want to ask any
questions, please feel free toeither email me and I will
(36:43):
forward it, or, underneath, getin touch with us of the episode,
because some women may havesome questions for you.
Speaker 2 (36:51):
They want to know I'm here.
Whoever I can help, I will trymy best.
Speaker 1 (36:55):
Yes, and that is why I love this story and we are so
proud of you and I love to dothis to try and help women in
all different you know, and I'mtrying to help the women that
are like, hmm, wait a minute, hetakes my keys away.
(37:24):
Red flag lady, I'm going to getthat red flag, I swear to you,
I'm getting it.
But, you know, just to listento you and maybe be able to
avoid some of those toxicrelationships also.
Speaker 2 (37:36):
Definitely.
Thank you, melissa.
Thank you so much.
Thank you, melissa, thank youso much.
Speaker 1 (37:40):
We enjoyed you.
Thank you All right, ladies andgents, that is the end of
today's episode.
I'm glad you joined us.
I hope you enjoyed this andsome of you got some help or,
could you know, help you avoidsome situations.
This is Dating Daycare, wherewe help you navigate through the
(38:01):
jungle of jerks.
If you're with a jerk, we'retrying to help you navigate out
of that also.
Okay, I will see you next time.
Have a great day.
Bye.
Welcome back to Baby Gator.
This is part two of our story.
We are going to hit on thedomestic abuse today, physical
abuse, where our guest getspunched in the face and dragged
while she's pregnant andunspeakable things.
It's an emotional episode.
She's pregnant and unspeakablethings.
It's an emotional episode, butshe does prevail and we are
(00:29):
having this episode.
To help any of you ladies, wehave great resources that are
going to be named, so pleasejoin us.
It is a amazing story.
I have no car, no way ofgetting to work.
Let's go call Prince Edwardupstairs yes, that's what I did.
All right Come help me.
Speaker 2 (00:50):
Meanwhile.
I didn't even bother to ask himwhat his situation was.
Why was he renting a room?
He just told me Red flag.
I know red flag.
Oh, big flag.
You know what I got?
Speaker 1 (01:02):
to get a flag.
I think I'll be right.
I'm going to get one of thosered flags and every time I have
interviews or somebody, I'mgoing to raise it.
Red flag, you know that thingthat automatically goes up.
Yes, yes, but it's funny.
We were just saying the thingsthat you see now, but you know
what?
That you didn't see then, butthat you didn't see then, but
you were in sheer panic.
(01:23):
I would have done the samething, sorry, ladies, if I woke
up one morning, had a mortgageto pay for, cars were taken away
, no food in the fridge, twokids had to get to school and
work at 9 am or else I'm goingto be homeless.
I would be in sheer panic.
I'd ask Freddy Krueger upstairsto help me at that point.
Speaker 2 (01:42):
No I would.
Speaker 1 (01:45):
I'd be in panic mode and back then there wasn't Uber.
Speaker 2 (01:47):
There wasn't all these things.
I didn't even know how to useany of that Right.
Being honest, yeah, I'm finenow.
I learned things my way, butyeah, I could have never been
able to.
Anyways, he was helping me inthe beginning, taking me to work
, picking kids up off the school, like really nice guy.
And I'm in my mind like how didthis happen?
Speaker 1 (02:06):
I'm so lucky Yep, I'm so lucky.
The luckiest person God'sgiving me grace because of all
the shit I just went through.
Right, I say that sometimesthey go give me grace.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
I would say that I guess it was the grace that I
got that strength to hold on toand my kids Right, I just kept
going because of the kids.
There have been times when Iwanted to just, of course, like
just give me something.
Just get me out of here, butjust the kids.
Speaker 1 (02:38):
Yep, they kept me going Well, as a mother, they
always, because they depend onyou.
Yep, right, yeah.
So the second guy.
What was the first thing he didthat was abusive?
Now, now, wait, it was prettygood you married him.
Speaker 2 (02:53):
No, no, not yet.
Speaker 1 (02:54):
Not yet.
Speaker 2 (02:55):
No, I'm still counting the red flags.
I'm still going, okay.
Making excuses for the redflags.
But what was the?
Speaker 1 (03:01):
first, really abusive thing that you recognized and
you were like flags.
But what was the first?
Speaker 2 (03:04):
really abusive thing that you recognized and you were
like he got really upset andpunched me in my face.
That's a big red flag.
Yeah, and the way it happenedwas I was a substitute teacher
and that day I had actuallygotten a promotion.
They made me a teacher becauseI went back to school, so I'm
all excited.
Coming home.
That was one of the days thatthe schools were out but the
preschool was open, so I had togo to work home.
(03:25):
That was one of the days thatthe schools were out but the
preschool was open, so I had togo to work and he was taking
care of the kids, my kids atthis point they're like five,
six, six, seven, like still,like you know kids are kids
jumping off the couches doingstuff like that.
So I get home and he's veryupset that I had to watch them
all day.
I lost a job, by the way, hewas a plumber.
Off the books Used to just runour referrals, and off the books
(03:50):
Right, I will underline it offthe books that I suffer now
because I don't get any childsupport at all.
Speaker 1 (03:57):
So red flag, yes, red flag, another red flag.
Speaker 2 (04:04):
So anyways, he's like oh, I make money and blah money
and blah, blah, blah.
I didn't get into details atthat point.
Why don't you pay taxes andthis and that?
Speaker 1 (04:09):
well, in your situation, we weren't even
thinking of that.
Speaker 2 (04:11):
Yeah he did give me money in the beginning.
Whatever, we were short coupleof months we tried to, and then
we kind of start going behindbecause he's not renting
upstairs.
Now he's moved in downstairswith us.
He's not giving me any rent.
He's moved in downstairs withus.
He's not giving me any rent.
He's kind of like, okay, freefor all.
Oh, I'm watching your kids, I'mbringing food in, I'm paying a
couple of bills, like kind ofokay, and I understood it.
Speaker 1 (04:36):
Well you were like okay, it's a relationship, now
we're going to split the bills,you're not renting a room
anymore, so I'm sure he washappy about that Yep.
Speaker 2 (04:45):
So I came home and I'm very excited telling him the
news that I got promoted.
I'll get a little bit of raise,not much but like okay,
whatever, it's a step up yeah.
And he was going off and off.
The kids did this and this andthis.
And then I remember on thetable there was a flower vase
with flowers in it he might havebought, bought the flowers, I
don't remember at this time andthen he goes, he like swooped
(05:08):
the flowers across the table.
It fell and broke glasseverywhere.
Kids got scared and ran in theother room and then he came up
to me and punched me right inthe face and I was on the floor
so shocked.
I had heard stories and I'mlike, in america men hit women
(05:29):
like it's true.
I had a big bruise on my facefor days.
I kept covering it with makeup,me kept apologizing to him.
He is at this point.
He's like oh, I will leave you,I don't have to be here, I'm
not taking care of you, like allthe blah, blah, blah.
Now that I know, after a whilehis ex-girlfriend started coming
(05:50):
around and she was the one whotold me you know what he does,
right?
I'm like what do you mean?
I had smelled weird things, butme, being naive, I didn't know
what weed is.
I don't know what crack smellslike she's, like he does crack
and weed, you didn't know.
She kind of made fun of me,laughed at me and I'm like no.
(06:12):
How am I supposed to know whenI'm never exposed to any of it?
Right, I did see differentbehaviors in him, but I never,
like, had courage to ask him.
Right or associate you.
All I saw him was smoking andhe was smoking outside in the
yard.
I'm like as long as you're notin front of the kids.
It's fine, Right, you had othershit going on.
(06:32):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (06:33):
Work kids house yeah, stress, it's like somebody
walked right.
Speaker 2 (06:38):
Yeah, when I found out that he did drugs and then I
started making connections.
Okay, so the times that hedoesn't have it, he goes in that
mode and then as soon as hesmokes, it's a whole different
person.
Speaker 1 (06:51):
So he's an addict?
Speaker 2 (06:52):
Yep, okay, still is and always will be.
He refuses to see his kids.
Speaker 1 (06:59):
So you had one child with the first husband.
Speaker 2 (07:02):
No two.
Speaker 1 (07:02):
Two kids with the first husband and two with the
second.
Okay, how long were you married?
Now to the second one.
Speaker 2 (07:10):
The second one.
We were together for like nineyears but married only two.
Okay, that's a long time.
Yes.
Speaker 1 (07:16):
That's a long time, and how else was he abusive, did
he?
Speaker 2 (07:20):
constantly hit you.
The second one, yep.
Then it became the whole cyclecycle, the cycle that they teach
you.
There's a honeymoon period,then there then comes the
flowers.
Speaker 1 (07:29):
Oh, everything is okay, so they hit, he hit you,
and then he's like I'm so, sosorry, yes, and then again sorry
but you made me do it.
Speaker 2 (07:37):
You made gaslighting.
Yeah, right, the gaslighting.
Speaker 1 (07:41):
I'm sorry, I won't do it again, but you're a piece of
shit, so you kind of deservedit, but I won't do it again yeah
, the narcissistic, themanipulation, it's like he fits
the perfect definition.
Speaker 2 (07:54):
He had like two personalities, on and off the
drugs.
Speaker 1 (07:57):
It became so clear to me so you knew, so you just
started working him for who hewas you knew knew, you started
knowing.
Oh look, he must need the drugs.
He's acting this way.
Speaker 2 (08:08):
I used to give him money.
Here, go get your drugs.
Speaker 1 (08:11):
Right, just leave me the hell alone, so you don't
show me all this Like I can't, Idon't have time for it.
Speaker 2 (08:15):
No, don't hit me, don't like, don't Right.
Speaker 1 (08:20):
Go, get off, just get away, yep, okay.
So then when was the point intime where you're like okay, I
got to get a plan, something Igot to get out of here.
This can't go on anymore.
It's not good for me, it's notgood for the kids, it's not good
for anybody.
Speaker 2 (08:37):
So I kept making excuses Me.
In my mind, I'm in love.
I love this person.
I will change him, I'll fix himthere will be a miracle.
Speaker 1 (08:46):
I'll be better and he'll get better.
Speaker 2 (08:47):
I'll cook better I'll take care of the kids better
I'll of course let me do this.
He it will help.
Like he'll be happy.
Let me buy him this right.
He'll be happy.
And it came to the point then.
Okay, his family started comingaround.
Meanwhile, he wasn't talking tohis family since he was 18
because of his behavior big redflag right well, I didn't know
(09:10):
at that point yes when theyfound out I was pregnant with my
first son with him we weren'tmarried at that time the the
family came around.
They were all nice people, sweetpeople, they have houses in new
jersey, good people, brothers,sisters.
I didn't even know that he hadthis big, huge family because
nobody wanted any part of him,right because of his violent
(09:33):
behavior.
Speaker 1 (09:34):
His ex-girlfriend did tell me later, right, you said
that he's violent and he doesdrugs, but I was at that point
like eight months in it.
Speaker 2 (09:44):
I'm like, okay, and in my mind you know that
self-esteem issue.
Oh, I already got rid of onehusband.
Now this guy I'm trying to makesomething with is going to
leave.
What are the people going tosay?
What I'm going to tell mysisters, right, that all that
plays in the back of your headLike this has to be something
wrong with me.
I don't know how to do things.
(10:05):
I don't know how to make a manhappy.
Speaker 1 (10:08):
It makes you crazy, right, like self-esteem denial,
absolutely, and and the factthat you know what?
I always say this, and I'vedone this too.
Listen, women have told me he'snot a good guy.
And you turn around, you'relike what are you talking about?
(10:29):
And I always say this,especially online too.
Ladies, we have better thingsto do with our day than tell you
that he's cheating on you 99%of the time.
We have better things to dowith our day than turn around
and warn.
You know what I mean.
Like a lot of times, peoplewill be like oh, she's just
(10:51):
jealous, she just wants him back, she just, you know, she's just
a Karen, or like this crazylunatic that you know just is
senile and that's why she'sdoing this, just to break us up
and to be mean.
Speaker 2 (11:05):
Yeah, that's when you're called crazy, Right no?
Speaker 1 (11:08):
no, they're trying to help you because they're out
and they're on the other sideand they're like you're not
seeing the path, but I alreadydriven down the path.
So I'll tell you what's at theend of this path.
And we've all made the mistakeMost of us shouldn't say all and
we haven't listened and we endup where we are.
My ex-husband's ex-wife notthat I'm going to say she's the
(11:33):
most perfect person.
She had plenty of faultsherself and did plenty of
unreasonable things, but shewarned me.
She warned me.
She was like not a no, not good, not gonna turn out good.
And I'm like what are youtalking about?
This is great, guy.
I mean, I didn't have any abuselike that, um, but you know it
(11:54):
all.
It all washes out in the endyep, okay.
Speaker 2 (11:59):
so then you, you're like okay we kept moving from
place to place.
That was another thing.
Nobody advised me at that time.
My second ex-husband he waslike oh, we can't pay the
mortgage.
The foreclosure notices startedcoming in and I'm like there
has to be a way we can go talkto the bank.
My name is in the house, likethere has to be a way we can go
talk to the bank.
My name is in the house, likethere has to be a way to save it
(12:20):
.
There are millions of programsout there.
And he's like no, no, don'tworry about it, we'll buy our
own house.
The fairy tale We'll buy ourown house.
No, we have to leave.
We have to leave.
We can't live here anymore.
So we kind of moved and leftthe house.
I didn't even I don't remembergetting any calls or paperwork.
I did get a lot of paperwork.
I had no idea.
(12:40):
Most of it it was basicallylike, okay, we will foreclose
the house.
I didn't know it takes years togo through all that and I'm not
from here so I don't know.
You asked me questions aboutPakistan, how banks work there.
I can tell you everything here.
Speaker 1 (12:56):
I had no idea.
Speaker 2 (13:02):
So, anyways, so we left the house there.
Every place we rented he hadargument with the landlords.
We moved so many times.
My kids had to change theschool so many times.
My two older kids.
They suffer and I am guilty ofit.
I am very ashamed of it, but Ididn't know better.
I tried to help, I tried tomake it work, right, you?
tried your best, it just didn't.
My two older kids they stillstruggle.
They have tried their best.
(13:23):
They are amazing kids for whatthey have been through, but it's
still hard.
Right, it's still hard.
There have been times that Ican see in their faces or they
will talk about something and Iit just you know, it rips your
heart Like oh that was becauseof me.
Speaker 1 (13:39):
And.
Speaker 2 (13:39):
I just can't erase that.
No, I can't ever fix that.
Speaker 1 (13:44):
But you did an amazing job of getting out of it
.
You got out of it.
You got out of it and that'sthe most important thing you
were dealt a very difficult cardand that's why I had you on
here, because it is just anamazing story and we haven't
even gotten to the amazing partyet.
(14:04):
That is just so inspirational.
That which we're getting to yougot out of that you planned.
You said I know this isn't good, I know I can do.
Well, you didn't even know youcould do better.
You just took a shot in the darkright.
(14:25):
Yes, and you.
Speaker 2 (14:29):
It was hard.
I kept making excuses.
Then again the people at school, or I would hear from the
doctors or you know there ishelp, or you know you can leave,
or why you staying?
All the things that people saythat okay, because I was still
working.
Work never stopped, I was stillworking.
Then came to the point that hisfamily was involved.
So he kind of like, don't tellthem anything, you don't have to
(14:52):
tell them anything about drugs.
I'm like, okay, mouth shutnothing.
Every time we went for thechristmas parties and stuff,
like pretend to be the happiestpeople, and his mom kept telling
me you are a saint.
Well, we know him right and theway you are.
And I'm just looking at herface and not saying a word.
Speaker 1 (15:12):
You're good at that.
See me, I would have saideverything.
I would have been like I am asaint saint.
He's a drug addict.
You have no idea.
I need help, I need help.
But you just see now, hopefullyyou've learned maybe a little
bit now to ask for help when youneed it, right, because
sometimes that could be adetriment to you.
(15:33):
Know what I'm saying.
Like maybe you would have beenable to just get some help or
somebody to speak to andsomebody just you know what.
Sometimes, when people gaslightyou I know I felt this way they
make you feel like you're thecrazy one.
And sometimes you just needsomebody to turn around to and
(15:55):
then say you're not crazy, he'scrazy.
Speaker 2 (15:59):
Like.
Speaker 1 (15:59):
I know I have that with my cousins all the time.
Sometimes I used to call.
I'd be like, am I crazy?
He just did A, b, c and D.
Is it me?
Am I the problem?
And just to hear somebody say,no, my husband would never do
that, my friends would never dothat, my uncle would never do
(16:21):
that, just gives you thestrength to know I'm doing the
right thing.
Speaker 2 (16:23):
Right, absolutely, yep, you need those people in
your court.
You need those friends, thefamily members, just about
whoever it is.
Speaker 1 (16:29):
Yes, absolutely so then what?
How did you get away?
Tell us how you got away okay.
Speaker 2 (16:37):
so I had my first son .
The family came around,everybody all happy, nice things
, blah, blah, blah.
We kept going Okay, let's getmarried, let's get engaged.
It will get better.
We got engaged, let's getmarried, let's have another kid.
I Will tell you.
The second time I got pregnantI was kind of very upset because
in the back of my mind I wastrying to plan.
(16:58):
Kind of very upset because inthe back of my mind I was trying
to plan some way out of it.
And I'm like God, not now Likewhy, and I guess it just happens
, I just could.
Never was able to bring myselfto get an abortion, doesn't
matter, I know your body, yourchoice, all that matter it.
(17:20):
I know your body, your choice,all that.
I absolutely understand, right,the emotions.
Speaker 1 (17:24):
I went through, or it was just like no, it's my child
, I don't care.
Okay, I don't care absolutelyso.
Speaker 2 (17:28):
Anyways, the abuse kept.
Meanwhile, I was pregnant.
Both times I was gotten hit Iwas dragged on the floor with my
hair choked to that me beingpregnant him, I'm pregnant with
your child.
You asshole, what are you doing, right?
He did not care.
Speaker 1 (17:44):
He did not care Drugs .
Speaker 2 (17:46):
At that point he was like where are you going?
Speaker 1 (17:48):
Right, right.
Where are you going?
You don't have family.
Speaker 2 (17:51):
Where are you going?
Speaker 1 (17:51):
Who are you?
Speaker 2 (17:52):
going to tell my mother Right.
What are you going to do?
Yeah, call the cops on me RightNow.
He knows, right, it came to thepoint that 9-1-1, he's outside
and he was arrested.
Good, and he was.
You called the cops on me.
Speaker 1 (18:08):
I'm like yes, I did, thank God.
Speaker 2 (18:11):
Yes, I did.
Oh, you have no idea howempowering that is to pick up
and call and even just a cop toshow up and get help, and get
help.
Speaker 1 (18:20):
You didn't have help for the past 15 years, right
Once I learned how to call Gethelp.
Speaker 2 (18:28):
It's hard, trust me, it's not that easy.
Right, you're scared they askyou a million questions.
There's a lot of paperwork, alot of things happen before you
even get to that point.
It was hard.
It was the hardest, roughestmoments of my life, but there is
help.
I know it's not easy and I knowthere's a lot of women out
(18:49):
there who think, oh no, we can't.
Yes, you can Look at me withfour kids.
That's right, four kids and thelast, last straw.
I will just explain it a littlebit.
When I had my second child, thefourth one, the youngest one, by
the way, he was born with arare genetic disorder.
Nobody knew what it was.
He had a lot of delays.
(19:11):
I was actually in a meetingthis morning I'm going through a
whole stuff.
That a whole another story,anyways.
So my, his dad, his father, mysecond ex-husband he wasn't
supportive in any way.
The early interventionspecialist used to come home
right from the knee cue.
He was sent home with all thesetherapies, the feeding therapy.
(19:32):
My ex-husband used to get somad.
And why are these people cominghome and looking at my son?
God gave us this way.
Meanwhile he never been tochurch, never talk about God.
But now God gave you.
I'm like God gave you a brain.
You freaking idiot.
You have all these therapies,all this stuff that can help you
, help your child.
Like what kind of father doesthat?
(19:54):
I was so confused that my firstex-husband was from Pakistan.
I understand his mentality, butyou grew up here, your parents
like everything here and you'restill talking shit.
Right, it's your child whoneeds help.
Speaker 1 (20:08):
Right, of course.
Speaker 2 (20:09):
Here's one of his thing.
I would say it.
He was so mean and cunning.
One of the syndrome things thatmy son has he cannot eat.
He can't feel full, so he canliterally eat himself to death.
He has no control.
So we as adults, we have tomeasure.
And of course my ex-husbandused to feed him in front of me
(20:29):
just to entice me.
Look, I'm feeding him, he's myson, I can feed him as much as I
want.
How can you get to that point?
Speaker 1 (20:38):
Right, well, crackhead, of course.
That's why that's how we got tothat point Because he was a
crackhead, he was an addict.
And nobody on a drug like thatis of, you know, stability.
There's no stability there.
There's no thinking the rightway there, I mean.
So that's how he got that way.
Speaker 2 (20:57):
Yeah.
So anyways, I'm learning abouthis new, all new thing going
through the postpartumdepression thing so many things
going on.
The third day I came back fromthe hospital.
I wanted to be back in thehospital to feed my child.
I was pumping, they wereputting it through the tube.
I wanted to be there.
I know I had three other kidsbut I was like he needs me more.
That, that pain that I feltwhen I left the hospital with my
(21:20):
baby still in eq, I would never, ever of course have anybody go
through that, and we had onecar.
He did not let me go see.
I got in a fistfight with him.
My the stitches from the csection opened back up.
They got infected me went to mygyne next day and, oh, I fell
(21:43):
off the stairs.
Speaker 1 (21:44):
Patched me up.
Speaker 2 (21:48):
Anyways, that all went through and then the CPS
was called.
In the meantime, I would saywith a grain of salt, there
might be CPS workers whoactually do their job, but the
ones that I dealt with alwaysdropped the ball on me.
Speaker 1 (22:02):
I hear that a lot.
Speaker 2 (22:04):
Dropped the ball on me.
I would have not been in thissituation many, many years ago
if everything was done.
Speaker 1 (22:11):
I know Correctly, through the CPS.
Well, now, with the whole Diddything coming out, they say that
I've heard that they've saidthat which allegedly the CPS
workers traffic some of thechildren.
Speaker 2 (22:25):
So I mean that that institution needs to be revamped
.
Very scary.
Speaker 1 (22:31):
But I don't hear good things from it ever.
Speaker 2 (22:34):
That's what I'm saying.
There might be some goodhearted people who really know
what they're doing, and helpingpeople, nope, nope, out of many
caseworkers they change thecaseworkers.
They were trying to go talk tohim and I'm like don't you see,
don't you lying?
right yeah, oh well, there's thecourt order.
Well, he needs to go take aparenting class.
(22:55):
Oh well, the court gave himtime.
Oh well, he doesn't wantcustody?
Oh well, so he doesn't have todo that.
So as of now, I have fullcustody.
I'm divorced fully from thesecond one too.
He's supposed to pay childsupport.
That he never did.
His license was suspended.
He doesn't care.
I don't know where he is andstill calls to this day with an
(23:15):
unknown number.
I refuse to change my phonenumber because I have it for so
long and it's used in all thedoctor's offices and yep, I
refuse to give that up.
I'm being stubborn.
I am stubborn.
No, I am not letting go.
Why do I have to change allthat because of you?
Just block them.
Speaker 1 (23:32):
Yeah, I block it every time, but you did, and to
leave him the second husband you.
Speaker 2 (23:40):
I had to go through an agency Long Island Against
Domestic Violence.
There are angels there.
I wanted to mention that.
Yes, one of my friend I knewthrough carecom I was actually
doing babysitting for her son.
She was like my guardian angel.
She called me in and she's likeyou look very thin, is
something going on?
(24:02):
I just needed to hear thatsomebody there to reach out.
Speaker 1 (24:06):
And just help you.
Speaker 2 (24:07):
Yep, she called me in , we sat down, she researched.
She got me the number I called.
They made a plan.
They started with a therapysession every week so I was
going out I had enough power atthis time.
I had a car so I can go out foran hour.
I started making the plan.
The therapists there wereamazing.
Speaker 1 (24:27):
Helpful.
Speaker 2 (24:28):
Very helpful at that agency.
It was like a light at the endof the tunnel.
Speaker 1 (24:35):
Which is amazing.
Speaker 2 (24:36):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (24:36):
That when you get that right, yes.
And then you went to, you tookyour kids.
Speaker 2 (24:42):
Yes, he went, my ex-husband.
He went on a hunting trip.
He's a big hunter Not that I'veseen him kill anything, but he
had guns at home, bow and arrowand all that.
So he went on his birthdayhunting trip with a couple of
other friends and I was likethis is my chance.
I took the kids bag of diapersand the documents that the
(25:03):
agency had told me this, this,this you have to have in place
before you go anywhere.
I had a car, I took all that,took my kids and I left.
I never looked back.
I have had moments of thosebouts that maybe I can go back,
maybe I can fix it.
He still used to call me cryingoh, we'll fix this, oh, don't
(25:24):
do this.
And at that point his parentswere kind of listening to me.
But once he started talking tothem again, they all kind of
turned their back.
I'm the bad guy now.
Well, I'd rather be the bad guy, but be at peace, and safe with
my kids.
Speaker 1 (25:42):
So you went to the domestic violence women's
shelter yes, what was it calledagain?
Speaker 2 (25:44):
So Long Island against domestic violence.
Ladies, if you need that theyhave a hotline number very
helpful.
Call them anytime, 24 hours aday.
If they can't help you, theyrefer you to another agency.
Everything is very confidential.
Nobody finds out anything.
Speaker 1 (26:01):
And then you actually physically drove there.
Speaker 2 (26:04):
Yes, that's another story.
For a couple of nights I had tostay in a motel because I had
already left my house, but therewas no room open at that
shelter.
Speaker 1 (26:12):
Okay.
Do they help you with the motel?
They do.
Speaker 2 (26:17):
I kind of had that money at that point so I didn't
even worry about it.
Speaker 1 (26:21):
But if somebody doesn't, I'm sure they send you
to the homeless, shelter, to thesocial services.
Speaker 2 (26:26):
It's very hard, I know it's time-consuming, you
have to be in the lines, right,but there is help.
They're doing their job.
They have to figure out peopleare not scamming them.
So I understand all thepaperwork and everything that
goes in it.
Right them.
So I understand all thepaperwork and everything that
goes in it.
Right, it's hard, it's veryhard, but you, but you did and
then you need help.
Speaker 1 (26:44):
Where do you go?
Speaker 2 (26:45):
right, my mother-in-law the day.
I told her I'm like I'm leavinghim.
I have my kids, I'm justletting you know and I didn't
tell her where I was going oranything.
She's like go get in the lineand social services.
They will help you.
These are the rich, rich people.
So they told me to go get inthe line in social services.
They will help you.
These are the rich, rich people.
They told me to go get in theline for the social services.
Speaker 1 (27:04):
Forget about turning around.
Imagine your mother-in-lawwhich isn't like here.
Speaker 2 (27:08):
Not even like oh, you can come here's some money.
Speaker 1 (27:10):
Let me pay for your hotel when?
Speaker 2 (27:12):
are you?
Speaker 1 (27:13):
No, of course not.
Go stand in line in the icecold in the middle of.
December and social services.
December 7th was the day when Ileft.
Speaker 2 (27:20):
December 7th and December 9th was when I got the
room and they called me.
It's a small room, I'm likeI'll take it, I don't care, I'm
out in the.
I was running upstate fine,trying to find a place where he
can't get me in any way, but Iwas able to get in the next day
starting next day the trip tothe social services offices,
(27:43):
paperwork, start, looking forthe job.
I was there for four months andyou said they were fabulous
they were good, you said theyhelped you with gifts.
Speaker 1 (27:52):
They were kids.
Yes, because the Christmas wasthere.
Speaker 2 (27:55):
They took them to the Christmas parties.
All of them, the whole house.
It's different in homelessshelter than the domestic
violence shelter Right, you saidthat.
And I was the only one withfour kids.
There were other women, justone child or without kids.
It was a big house.
We kind of have chores.
We came together, helped eachother out.
They have therapy sessionsthere.
(28:15):
Kids play sessions separate.
It was kind of very, I wouldwould say, peaceful at that time
, of course, knowing that you'reout of that situation, even
though there's a lot more to gothrough, right.
But I was safe with the kids.
I had no money again, right,just a little bit.
(28:36):
Whatever I had I used it up forthe motel.
But then I got the food stamps,the medical insurance and
everything.
That was a big, big help.
My kids were fed.
They provided diapers, clothesfor the kids, the basic
necessities, everything wasprovided.
Speaker 1 (28:54):
That's super helpful and just weight lifted off your
back.
That those formula diapers.
Speaker 2 (29:00):
formula diapers ladies basic clothing they
provide you with everything,everything you just have to ask,
right?
Don't be ashamed, don'thesitate.
I have asked for so many thingsand that's why, where I am, if
I would have not asked, nobodyknows.
If you don't ask, they don'tknow what you need.
That's right.
The schools were fabulous,providing transportation to and
(29:23):
back to the shelter.
It doesn't matter which shelteryou go to, there's the law that
they provide transportationtill.
Speaker 1 (29:29):
You are in a permanent housing.
And then you were there forfour months and then they helped
you get a job.
Another job, yes.
Speaker 2 (29:35):
One of the ladies from the like you know we all
help each other out she knew Iwas a teacher.
I had left the job because Iwas going through this whole
situation.
She found a flyer oh, they'rehiring again.
It's called Head Start, longIsland Head Start.
That's where I started again,went back to work and the day I
got my job letter I startedlooking for houses.
(29:57):
It's very hard to find a place,especially now.
Places are a fortune.
Now I have no idea.
I had like pads and writingpads and pads full of the
addresses going looking forplaces.
They don't want to work withthe social services, you don't
have enough income or you havefour kids.
It was very hard to find aplace.
(30:19):
But once I had the job, showingthat I'll make this much and
proof some help from socialservices it was so funny it
worked out that way because Ihad gotten the job.
So they stopped the help fromsocial services.
But I had both letters.
I brought that to the office,the Fairfield office.
At that time I'm like this ismy income, this is the help I'm
getting, even though that wasthe last letter they had told me
(30:41):
because you have a job now sowe're not going to be helping
you, but the numbers worked outand I was able to get the
apartment Right.
Speaker 1 (30:49):
And then they helped you with the down payment, with
the first month's rent and thedeposit which is amazing yes.
Speaker 2 (30:57):
They even gave me basic furniture for the kids.
Oh wow, a couch brand new,everything brand new.
You actually go and pick outthe stuff and they deliver it to
you wow, yes, that's amazing.
Speaker 1 (31:09):
It is honestly, that's really nice to know that
that's.
Speaker 2 (31:12):
And then again there's a lot of paperwork, a
lot of interviewing, a lot ofgoing knocking on doors here to
there.
But if you need it, what else?
Speaker 1 (31:20):
can you do, absolutely Right.
And then you said the firstnight that you all slept.
You had no like bed, yet youall slept on the floor.
Speaker 2 (31:29):
No, it was just carpet.
We were all on the carpet.
I put the heat up high.
I'm like okay, and the nextmorning kids just jumping
rolling around.
I remember I made pancakesafter such a long time in my own
kitchen, oh goodness.
Speaker 1 (31:43):
Yeah, with nobody telling you you can't use the
gas or the dryer, oh my gosh,and you said that was the most
peaceful night's sleep.
Speaker 2 (31:51):
Yes, that you got in years and years and years, but
you did it.
Speaker 1 (31:55):
That's why this is amazing.
And now fast forward to today.
How long ago was that?
Speaker 2 (32:01):
This was in 2018, 17, end of 17.
Oh 2018.
Speaker 1 (32:06):
March 2018.
Okay, so about six years ago,right?
Yes, six years ago, and now,today, you're working.
Speaker 2 (32:13):
I'm working.
I went back to school Becauseof my son with disabilities.
I needed to learn more.
I needed to have more knowledge.
I wanted to help other parents,other kids out.
A special education is a wholeanother animal.
It is so, anyways, I went backto school online.
I got my second dual master'sdegree through Grand Canyon.
Speaker 1 (32:33):
University Unbelievable.
I'm so proud of you.
Speaker 2 (32:36):
I know.
Then I passed all the tests, Igot certified I'm dual certified
and then I found a job betterjob as a special ed teacher,
right.
So that's where I am.
Speaker 1 (32:46):
it's been two years, almost two years but you did it,
I did it yourself throughschool.
You got the apartment, you gotthe job, you got the car right,
you got and it was such an likeoh, got a car.
Speaker 2 (33:00):
I financed a car on my own and nobody's taking your
money.
Speaker 1 (33:06):
A bank account.
That must have been a greatfeeling, yes, when you got there
, just so proud of yourself.
You know, I'm so proud of you,oh, thank you.
Speaker 2 (33:16):
We don't say this to each other.
Whoever is listening out there,I'm proud of you, but wherever
you are, whatever you're doing,you're doing the best, yes, what
you can with all the situationsthat you're in.
Speaker 1 (33:29):
Right, and what would you say if there is a woman
listening?
You know I always say thisListen, I try to have all
different guests on the show,you know, with all different
stories, so it can relate to alldifferent women in all
different situations andpredicaments.
This is, you know, more of theextreme right.
(33:50):
I mean this is a more extremeand even if women are listening
and they can't relate, like I'venever been, you know,
domestically abused when itcomes to physically right.
So it may be something that Ican't relate, like I've never
been, you know, domesticallyabused when it comes to
physically right.
So it may be something that Ican't relate to, but what I can
relate to are the common redflags that we see Now.
In your first situation, likewe've said, you didn't have the
(34:13):
luxury of even choosing who youwere marrying.
But the second time time, andnow I'm sure you're a lot older,
you're a lot wiser, and if yousee anything remotely similar
coming your way, you're probablylike bye-bye, bye.
Speaker 2 (34:31):
You know what I mean.
I don't know if you think it'sfunny or not.
I still got back on the datingstuff Me like okay, maybe, Okay,
let's try and I have learned toon the dating stuff Me like.
Okay, maybe.
Okay, let's try.
And I have learned to say no.
Speaker 1 (34:45):
Exactly For the first time, right?
Yes, absolutely.
Because, ladies, even if you'rein these predicaments we'll
kind of end on this note it ismore peaceful being by yourself
and doing it on your own, eventhough that may seem scary.
Then it is living in thesesituations, and that goes for
(35:05):
the girl that's dating the guythat's cheating on you
consistently, that goes for thewoman or the man dating the
woman.
This can go both ways, Bothways yeah.
Or the relationship that'sphysically abusive, mentally
abusive, narcissistic.
I mean the whole gamut, fromone to a hundred you can do it,
(35:27):
you can do it.
You can do it.
Speaker 2 (35:29):
It's hard.
I would never misguide you orsay it's easy.
No, it's never easy.
But if you put your mind to it,like somebody said, and you
know you have no other choice,you become strong.
You gain that strength from Idon't know where higher power,
god praying your kids, whatever,but it all just have to.
(35:50):
You just have to jump.
Speaker 1 (35:51):
you just have to take that leap and then look
eventually, through the hardwork, it worked out.
It worked out right.
You got help and then you got,you went for your master's and
your double master's.
And now look at you You're onyour own Strong, confident and
changed woman.
Speaker 2 (36:10):
Thank you.
Thank you Welcome.
You're welcome.
I just wanted to thank you forproviding me with this
opportunity.
I hope somebody who's listening.
Even if one person can take onething, it's so worth it.
Speaker 1 (36:22):
Yes, and we will put the name of that domestic
violence shelter on the podcast.
Sure, that way any women canlook it up and give us the name.
We'll put that on there.
And, ladies, if you have anystories or want to ask any
questions, please feel free toeither email me and I will
(36:43):
forward it, or, underneath, getin touch with us of the episode,
because some women may havesome questions for you.
Speaker 2 (36:51):
They want to know I'm here.
Whoever I can help, I will trymy best.
Speaker 1 (36:55):
Yes, and that is why I love this story and we are so
proud of you and I love to dothis to try and help women in
all different you know, and I'mtrying to help the women that
are like, hmm, wait a minute, hetakes my keys away.
(37:24):
Red flag lady, I'm going to getthat red flag, I swear to you,
I'm getting it.
But, you know, just to listento you and maybe be able to
avoid some of those toxicrelationships also.
Speaker 2 (37:36):
Definitely.
Thank you, melissa.
Thank you so much.
Thank you, melissa, thank youso much.
Speaker 1 (37:40):
We enjoyed you.
Thank you All right, ladies andgents, that is the end of
today's episode.
I'm glad you joined us.
I hope you enjoyed this andsome of you got some help or,
could you know, help you avoidsome situations.
This is Dating Daycare, wherewe help you navigate through the
(38:01):
jungle of jerks.
If you're with a jerk, we'retrying to help you navigate out
of that also.
Okay, I will see you next time.
Have a great day.
Bye.
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