The Fishbowl: Navigating a Relationship Where You Feel Invisible

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Have you ever felt invisible in your own relationship? That gnawing feeling that your partner reserves all their kindness and attention for others while you're left wondering what happened to the person who once made you feel special?

In this raw and honest fishbowl session, we dive deep into a question that resonates with anyone who's ever felt their needs slipping to the bottom of their partner's priority list. The anonymous submission describes a relationship where affection has been replaced with indifference, where kindness flows freely to others but rarely makes its way home. 

Boundaries emerge as the critical foundation for relationship happiness. We explore the practical steps of expressing your needs clearly, giving your partner space to respond, and the difficult but necessary decision to walk away when someone consistently shows they cannot or will not meet your emotional requirements. The hard truth remains: you cannot change someone's fundamental nature or make them love you the way you deserve to be loved.

The discussion extends to personal boundaries—like the host's choice not to date men with young children—and emphasizes that your boundaries aren't up for negotiation, regardless of what others might think. Your standards protect your happiness and set the framework for relationships that add value rather than drain it. As we memorably put it: "I am the table. So what are you bringing to my table?"

Ready to stop settling for relationships that leave you feeling empty? Listen now, and join our live sessions on TikTok where we're building a community of people committed to dating with dignity and clear boundaries. Your happiness isn't optional—it's essential.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:06):
Welcome to Dating Daycare, where we but I today
help you navigate through thejungle of jerks.
Ladies and gents, welcome back.
We're excited to have you andtoday we are doing a fishbowl
while we are live on TikTok.
That's our new thing.
We go live when we're inproduction, so it's exciting.
Follow us, follow me, healthyChef One, join our podcast.

(00:30):
We are going to help youthrough your summer and dating
in the wild dating websites,everything.
But today we're going to do ourfishbowl.
If you're not familiar withwhat that is, it is where we
have a fishbowl full ofquestions, real life questions
from you that I print out and weare going to take them out.

(00:51):
We are going to read them.
I'm going to answer them.
Normally, my co-host is here,but she is not today, so it is
only me.
So they're all anonymous, butwe are here to help.
Okay.
Question to help Okay.
Question Anonymous Okay.
My boyfriend doesn't even ask mehow I am anymore.

(01:13):
It's always about him and hisneeds.
He literally does not careabout me at all.
I am just to fill space.
He no longer treats me like hewants me.
He no longer sends me nicemessages out of the blue.
He no longer sends me thingsthat let me know he is thinking
of me.
It is like I don't even exist,but I know without a doubt he is

(01:36):
being nice to others, he isengaging in nice ways with
others.
He saves all of his kindnessand sweetness for the other
women he encounters the problem.
He used to be kind and sweet tome.
He used to show me he cared andhe thought of me.
Now it's always about what canbe done for him.
He is always angry orfrustrated at me, except at the

(02:00):
moments he wants sexers tryingto set up time for sex.
I don't feel loved at all.
Okay, so, anonymous person, thissounds like a big problem.
It sounds like your needs arenot being met and it's funny.
We are going to have a guest onnext month that I was just
interviewing and we were talkingabout this last night.
We're going to have a datingcoach on and we were just

(02:25):
discussing boundaries.
You know what Boundaries aremeant to be kept for you to be
happy, right and forrelationships to work.
Now we've also had differentepisodes on attachment styles,

(02:46):
so you can always look back andgo into all those different
attachment styles.
They were explained by apsychologist.
She was fabulous and she cameon.
This could have to do withattachment style, but let's push
that to the side.
If your needs are no longerbeing met, the first thing you
need to do is you need toexpress them to your partner.
You need to say I feel like I'mjust a space holder here.

(03:10):
You no longer send me nicetexts out of the blue, you no
longer let me know you'rethinking of me, you're not
engaging with me in the niceways, and maybe you could give
some examples of what they usedto do that they are no longer
doing now.
After you do that, take a pause, give the person time to

(03:33):
regroup, digest how you'refeeling and then wait and see
what they do.
If they do not change, becauseobviously you're expressing your
feelings that you're not happyand you're feeling sad.
If they're not changing for youbecause these aren't hard
things to change, of course.
If you're like only call meonce a week, come outside and

(03:57):
paint my house, I mean, ifyou're asking for things that
are outrageous, that's different.
These are very simple things toshow people in your daily life,
especially in committedrelationships, that you are
loved, wanted, needed and justthat they're happy to be around
you.
If they're not capable of doingthat after you tell them you

(04:19):
need to walk away.
You need to set your boundaries.
You need to say these are thethings that I need to make me
happy no-transcript, and youneed to walk away.
You are not.
Ladies and gents and this goesfor the men too you are not
going to change a person.

(04:39):
You are not going to change whothey are.
You're not going to changetheir attachment style because
it is from childhood.
You are not going to make themlove you.
You are not going to make themtreat you better.
Never going to make them loveyou.
You are not going to make themtreat you better.
Never going to happen.
So when somebody shows you whothey are, you need to accept who

(05:02):
they are.
And then you have choices.
If you're already in acommitted relationship, like it
sounds like this person is, youneed to get up and go.
You need to say my needs aren'tbeing met, I'm really sorry,
but this just isn't going towork for me.
And if you're not capable ofmeeting my needs which I
expressed to you, that I need tobe happy then you know what.
We need to go our separate ways.
We're just not meant for eachother.

(05:24):
If you're in the beginningstages and not in a committed
relationship.
Yet you have two choices.
You could either A walk awaybecause it pisses you off.
Right, let's say you're in thebeginning stages of a
relationship.
Guy's hot and heavy calling youevery day.
You know doing the things heshould be doing, making you feel

(05:47):
loved and wanted and excited,and you know that he's
interested in you.
And then one day falls off theearth, disappears for a weekend
or stops calling you every night.
Or, you know, isn't giving youwords of affirmation anymore, is
short with you.

(06:08):
I'm tired, I'm going to go tobed.
You don't talk to him.
You have one of two choices youcan leave, or you could just
back up and accept that is theperson, who they are, that is
the way they work, and you couldjust go out when they're
available, hang out.
But I wouldn't get into afull-fledged relationship with
them if they're not giving youthe things that make you happy.

(06:29):
So that is my advice Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.
And do not be scared, you know.
Here's another thing Lastthought.
I always speak about this on thepodcast.
I have a boundary, whether youknow it, whether you're new or
you're old here, my boundary isI won't date a man with young

(06:50):
children.
That is my boundary.
I have my reasons for it.
I've discussed it.
I'm not going to get into it inthis episode.
But I have young children.
My children are turning 10 and11, but I will not date a man
with a 10 and 11 year old.
That is my boundary.
People will say, oh my God,that's crazy.
How can you have a boundarylike that?

(07:11):
You have young kids.
What about the guy that has todeal with your young kids?
I know all this.
If the guy doesn't want to dealwith my young kids, you're free
to go.
You don't have to date me.
You don't have to entertain me.
But I'm not dating you withyoung kids.
It's not what I want my kidsaround.
It's not what I want to getinto.
I've discussed my reasons forit, discussed my reasons for it,

(07:32):
but that's my boundary.
I don't care if anybody callsme crazy.
People could call me crazy,just like your boundary.
If you need somebody to call youevery day and have constant
communication and you needsomebody to, you know,
compliment you or whatever it isyou need, you need to state
that and keep your boundary.

(07:52):
And if the person isn't capableof doing that, you need to walk
away.
Don't let them make you feellike, oh, you're being mean, or
I was really busy and you'rebeing too much, or you're too
needy, or don't let themShape-shift your boundaries
Because you're not going to behappy in the end.
You're going to get Sad, you'regoing to get resentful.

(08:14):
You're gonna get sad, you'regonna get resentful, you're
gonna try and change it and noneof it's gonna work and it's
gonna blow up in flames.
So, boundaries.
That is our fishbowl for today.
If you have any questions, anycomments, let me take a look.
What a kid Jim K.

(08:34):
I love this.
What do you have to offer in arelationship?
I have plenty to offer in arelationship.
I have good morals, I have goodvalues, I think I have a great
family I have, I'm successful,I'm fun to be with, I have a

(08:55):
great vibe, I have lots of greatfriends to offer.
I just I have everythingaccording to me Now.
But here's the thing I don'tlike when men say what do you
have to offer in a relationship?
When you meet somebody, youshould see what they have to

(09:16):
offer and if you like what theyhave to offer and their
boundaries and their morals andtheir standards and their family
life, then you should moveforward with them.
But I'm completelyself-sufficient.
I am the table.
What do you bring to the table?
I am the table.
So what are you bringing to mytable?
My table's steady, ah, thankyou so much, brian Kelly.

(09:42):
He says I'm beautiful also.
But you know what, brian, ifyou say that to an answer,
they're going to be like ohyou're just, you know all about
looks and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
So I never like to add that in.
But I'm an attractive woman.
I look good on your arm, it's aplus.
Yeah, you can't win with thatquestion, brian.
Brian's saying but you'rebeautiful also, but you know

(10:06):
what.
You say that and then peopleare like ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah,
ah.
Anyhow, all right.
Well, thank you for joining usand thank you for our TikTok
fans joining us, and I will seeyou again soon.
Goodbye.