When He Won't Help: Navigating Marriage with an Uninvolved Partner

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Feeling alone while being married is a special kind of heartbreak that too many parents experience. We dive deep into a raw, emotional question from a woman who's been married less than two years but already feels like she's drowning as a single parent despite having a husband at home.

The conversation takes an honest turn as we explore the warning signs that were present from the beginning - a pattern of uninvolvement that extended from his first child to their now shared children. Through both tough love and compassionate understanding, we unpack why some partnerships devolve into one-sided caregiving arrangements and what options remain when communication repeatedly fails.

This episode delivers crucial advice for anyone considering parenthood with a partner: observe their current parenting style carefully before proceeding. The reality is stark - people rarely transform their fundamental approaches to family responsibility after marriage or having more children. We also tackle the intense demands of stay-at-home parenting without the structure or breaks that traditional employment provides, while emphasizing the critical importance of financial independence for every parent, regardless of marital status.

Perhaps most powerfully, we examine the red flag that too many people overlook when dating someone with young children from a previous relationship. When a person has chosen the challenging path of single parenthood over staying in a relationship, there's almost always a significant reason - one that new partners should thoroughly understand before committing. Your most consequential life decisions will always be your career choice and who you have children with - choose wisely.

Ready to make better relationship choices or understand your current situation more clearly? Subscribe to Dating Daycare and join our TikTok lives every Tuesday at 10am on Healthy Chef One where you can participate in these important conversations in real-time.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:06):
Welcome to Dating Daycare, where we help you
navigate through the jungle ofjerks.
And today, ladies and gentlemen, you are lucky.
Once again.
I am on my own today, single asusual.
Allison is not here, so we aregoing to do a fishbowl.
For those of you that are justjoining us and haven't joined us

(00:27):
before, welcome.
And for those of you that arefans, welcome back.
Real quick, I print outdifferent questions, put them in
a fishbowl.
They are dating questions, realquestions from real women and
men.
We take one out, we read it andI'm going to help you answer
the question.

(00:47):
I'm going to give you my advicelet's dig deep, let's dig real
deep today, and also assomething new that we've added
to the podcast, just so you know, we are also on TikTok live.
So if you are home and ever ona Tuesday around 10 am, check us

(01:09):
out.
Go on to our TikTok HealthyChef One and see if we are live,
because it gives you theopportunity to comment as we're
reading it.
And for any of you people thatare out there on TikTok
following the live right now,please listen to our fishbowl
and let me know your opinions.

(01:31):
Okay, here we go.
This is a long one, so patienceis a virtue, as they say.
Okay, mamas, I'm getting readyfor all the negative comments
bashing me or whatever, but Ijust have to express how I feel
and get insight.
This is going to be a good one.
I think so.
Me and my husband will bemarried two years in November.

(01:52):
I'm getting more.
I'm getting more ready to leaveevery day.
Oh Lord, here we go.
I just feel so alone.
I feel like a single mother.
He doesn't help me with mytwo-year-old or our 10-month-old
Hell, he barely takes care ofhis three-year-old.
He gets every weekend.
I've expressed how I feltseveral times over the last two

(02:16):
years and it just seems like I'munheard and not taken seriously
.
Now he works from 7 am to 7 pm,but that's not an excuse to not
be involved with our kids.
Our daughter doesn't know him.
She cries and cries every timehe holds her.
He raised my son since he wasfour months old and now he

(02:39):
barely wants anything to do withhim.
I clean the entire house, Icook, I wash clothes, I provide
food, drinks, formula, while hepays the rest of the All right,
we need to break this down.
I feel like I'm drowning and metalking to him like he doesn't
hear me.
All right, we need to breakthis down.

(03:07):
So she's been married for twoyears.
She's getting frustratedbecause she feels like she does
everything and the man doesnothing.
She has a two-year-old with himand a 10-month-old with him,
and he barely takes care of thethree-year-old with him and a
10-month-old with him, and hebarely takes care of the
three-year-old.
He has a three-year-old withanother ex-wife it doesn't say,

(03:31):
or, as we say, baby mama, andshe's basically just getting
frustrated.
He works long days.
She's a stay-at-home mother.
All right, this is a good one,because I'm gonna comment this
two different ways.
For any of you that arefollowing Cub Lisa, please give
us your opinions here on whatI'm about to say.

(03:54):
And so, after you had thetwo-year-old, you had plenty of
time because you've been marriedfor two years.
I'm going to go in tough rightnow.
Tough love, tough love.
You had two years.
Well, right, you're pregnant.
For nine months, you had a yearPlus.
You had the experience of thisthree-year-old that isn't yours,

(04:15):
to see how this man contributeswhen it comes to taking care of
the children.
You also had ample time to seehow he helps you around the
house.
You've lived together sinceyou've been married, I'm
assuming, which is two years.
Even though you saw that thisman barely took care of the
three-year-old, you decided tohave a baby with him and then,

(04:38):
when you saw that he barely tookcare of your two-year-old, you
decided to have another babywith him.
Unfortunately, that's on you,because the leopard is not
changing its spots ever.
I always say this Little spots.
Yeah, can you please take outthe garbage?

(04:59):
Can you please pick up somemilk on your way home?
Yeah, men will do that.
They're involved, help you out,but starting to be fully
involved with the formula andthe bathing and the playing with
the kids, and maybe you'rethinking about providing food

(05:22):
this man isn't tomorrow, all ofa sudden, going to change his
ways because you want him to.
So that's the tough love aspect.
Now I'm going to go to an oldschool aspect.
Listen, being a stay-at-home momis not easy.
I was a stay-at-home mom andnow I work.
Right, I'm a single mom now,but when I was with my ex, I was

(05:50):
a stay-at-home mom and I didabsolutely everything.
So let me name the things thatI used to do besides work a
full-time job.
I cooked, I cleaned, I did allthe bottles, the formula, the
diapers, went out and purchasedit all, played with the kids,
took them to any sort of tummytime or mommy and me bathed them

(06:15):
, put them to bed.
My ex worked from like 5, 6 inthe morning to 8, 9 at night at
the time.
So some days he didn't even seethe kids because they would be
asleep by 7 and my son at thetime would wake up at 5.
I did everything.
He never helped.
On the weekends he would help alittle bit but he would do

(06:37):
stuff take out the lawn,furniture outside, or he never
did the food shopping.
He never cooked a meal.
He would play with the kids alittle bit, but I did the naps.
Listen, that's whatstay-at-home moms are supposed
to do all the stay-at-home work.
And listen, I'm not saying thatthat's not an easy job.

(06:59):
It's harder than going to work.
Every day you get a lunch breakat work every day.
You get vacation time at work.
You get personal and sick daysat work.
You don't get that when you'rea mom, no less a stay-at-home
mom.
When you're sick, you stillgotta take care of the kids.
Now I'm gonna go even intoanother aspect of this.

(07:21):
We always say this on DatingDaycare Make sure that you have
some sort of education and somesort of job background.
I don't care if you worked in astore as a cashier for a few
years before you got married oranything cashier for a few years
before you got married oranything doctor, lawyer, vet,

(07:44):
nail technician, plumber,teacher make sure, when you
decide to be a stay-at-homemother, that you have a little
of that money you had pushed tothe side, a few thousand or
thousands, so that when you getfed up, or if you ever do get
fed up, like this woman, thatyou're not sitting there saying
oh my God, I got two kids athome under three and I haven't

(08:08):
been out in the work field inthree years.
How am I ever going to get outof this and support us and find
a job?
At least if you have a fewthousand in the bank 10, 20,
that's what I mean by a few whenyou get fed up, you could take
your kids and go rent anapartment.
So, ladies, financially, neverleave yourself vulnerable

(08:38):
because you don't know.
And then guess what If thatnever happens and you have a
great marriage and everythinggoes wonderful?
Take the 10, 20 grand, go on avacation, put it towards your
children's car, put it in amutual fund, invest it, make it
30 grand, I mean, gift it toyour husband on his birthday, do
whatever you want with it, butat least you have some money.

(09:01):
Which money is freedom whenyou're a stay at home mother,
right?
So I don't think your situationis going to change.
I'm sure that's why the ex-wifeI'll call her is a single
mother.
I also say this, ladies, thisis really important too, and
I'll keep repeating myself Exesare exes for a reason,

(09:29):
especially if there are childreninvolved.
I will always say this there'snot one mother I've ever known
that said, I want to be a singlemom and do this all on my own
daily.
That is not what us ladies grewup aspiring to be.
So if we are an ex or you meeta man that's divorced,

(09:53):
especially if he's divorced withyoung children, that means that
the woman decided to leave himand become a single mother
rather than stick it out.
That's a red flag.
That's a huge red flag.
When there are young, youngchildren, and I'm going to say
below the age of 13, okay, 14,15, 16, 18, when you meet a man

(10:19):
and he's divorced, they stuck itout, maybe for the children,
not saying whether that's rightor wrong and then they left.
When a woman has a baby with aman a 10-month-old and a
2-year-old and she's like I'mout of here, there's a reason
for that, ladies.
It's not because we're crazy orum, we're a bitch, or uh, we

(10:43):
were lazy, or 98% of the timethis is going to flip to the man
, because who wants to?
I'm sure this woman, who hasthe three-year-old that you get
every other weekend, doesn'thave it easy on her own, and
that's why a lot of women stayin horrible marriages, because

(11:03):
they don't want to do it all ontheir own.
So, unfortunately, I don'tthink that your situation is
going to get better.
I think that the red flags werethere before you married him
and decided to have two childrenhe even had a one-year-old at
that time that you could havewaited and saw how he was with

(11:25):
this one-year-old that he hadwith another woman on the
weekends, and that should havetold you everything there.
I think you're going to end upbeing a single mother eventually
, with a two-year-old and a10-month-old, which is very
doable.
We all do it.
There are plenty of viewers hereon Dating Daycare.
Like myself, I have two kids.
I'm a single mother.
You just need to get your shittogether and learn and grow from

(11:49):
the experience and pick betternext time.
Use those key points I justsaid.
No woman wants to be a singlemother.
So if they are with a young kidthat you're dating, the father
red flag and really get to knowthe person before you have kids
with them.
I always tell my daughter thetwo most important things you'll

(12:10):
ever do in life is your job andthe man you pick to marry or
have kids with.
So take that advice to heart.
I hope that was helpful.
I hope I was able to help thisanonymous member and this was
actually from a bad mom's group,in case any of you were
wondering where I print out orget any of the questions and I

(12:31):
hope you enjoyed this episode.
Join us again for anotherDating Daycare.
We will be back soon.
Bye.