Series Surrender - Letter 1 The Space Between My Yes and Your Timing - ENG VERS

Father, surrender doesn’t feel holy right now it feels heavy. I told You I laid it all down, yet my heart keeps reaching back. I whisper Your name, Jesus, but the silence roars louder than my prayers. Why does letting go feel like loss? Why does obedience ache like rejection? Still, I believe if my hands are trembling, Yours are steady.

Episode Transcript

Divine Insight (00:00):
Dear Father, Here I am.
Not polished.
Not perfect.
Just present.
I wake up, and there’s no fear.
But there is longing—an ache toreach out to someone, to fill
this empty space inside me.
And even though I tell myselfI’ve surrendered, here I
am—thinking of them again.
My mind starts running.

(00:20):
My heart starts searching.
And I feel myself slipping.

So I whisper your name (00:23):
Jesus.
It’s not pretty.
It’s not a peaceful, kneelingprayer.
It’s a cry from the middle of mychest.
Because this isn’t easy.
I’m letting go of something Iwas used to, to hold onto
Someone I’m just beginning tounderstand in a new way.
I know You’re here.
But why does the silence feel soloud?

(00:43):
Why do I still feel lonely afterI’ve laid it all down?
Is this loneliness an attack?
Or is it You, allowing me to beemptied, so You can fill me?
I’m trying, Father.
I’m fighting.
And that scares me—because Ithought surrender was supposed
to feel like peace.
But this?
This feels like spiritualsurgery.
I think of Job, and how he said,“Though He slay me, yet will I

(01:05):
hope in Him…”(Job 13:15).
But I’m not Job.
I’m not that strong.
And then I remember Hosea.
You told him to love someone whowould break him, to live out a
painful lesson in front of theworld.
Did he ask You the same questionI’m asking now?
Why me?
Why this?

(01:26):
Why does surrender feel likerejection?
You gave me a dream—to healothers.
But first, You are healing me.
And that healing feels likeloss.
So here I am, Father.
Still struggling.
Still crying.
Still showing up.
I won’t pretend this is easy.
But I believe You’re stillwriting the story.
Even if I’ve dropped the pen,even if my hands are shaking—I

(01:47):
trust Yours are steady.
Take what’s left of me and makeit holy.
Amen.