Emotional Physics

This week Gillian and Tink answer a listener question about how to navigate disclosing things like mental health diagnoses, trauma histories, health information, or anything else that we might feel shame about or might give a partner pause.  We discuss considerations of whose business is what based on potential impact at different stages of dating, as well as how to think about sharing what we know about the "care and feeding&...

Today's show answers a listener question specific to how monogamous coupled-up folks can best prepare for, talk about and have fun with threesomes!  We discuss how common this fantasy is, and how important it is to actually start at the level of fantasy when bringing new ideas into the sexual repertoire, including some fun role-play to try before a real third person ever enters the mix.  We also discuss how to set healthful an...

In this episode Tink and Gillian dive into one of our favorite topics which wierdly enough is actually grief!  But before you fear that this episode will be a huge downer, take heart because this episode is actually about:

1. Finding the wisdom, relief, stillness and "aha" quality of grief

2. Courageously relinquishing the idea that you need to be healed before finding new love

3. Developing a map of positive signs that you ...

In this episode, Tink and Gillian answer a question from a listener who is choosing a single life right now, but is wondering how to sit wisely with loneliness when it arises.  We discuss aloneness versus loneliness, and take a look at our cave person/survival brain's tendency to create the negative experience of loneliness by telling us that we must be alone due to having been rejected, punished, or otherwise left to be eaten...

In this episode Tink schools Gillian, and our listening community, on how on earth she seems to have such an easy time meeting cute sweeties in real life.  Gillian identifies some things that have tended to hold her back in doing this, in particular middle-school lingering fears of rejection, or even of it being shameful to be a human in the world with eyes and ears who might potentially look at or jump into the conversation of som...

In this episode we address fighting, a big topic as far as both listener questions and our couples therapy practices.  We discuss ways that we actually are in favor of fighting at times, and note that a fight with a healthy repair can create even more strength in a relationship than never having had any rupture (rip in the fabric of harmony and getting along) at all.  

As always we share some of our own stories to illustrate topics ...

In this episode, we take a look at the theme of embarrassment in relationships, based on several listener questions on the topic including:

1. How can I get my partner to stop being so embarrassing?

2. Why is my partner so embarrassed by me?

and

3. Why do I find myself roasting or trying to embarrass my partner sometimes when I know this isn't cool behavior?

As always Tink and Gillian share some tales of their own historical foible...

In this week's episode we discuss the universally human and hurts-so-good phenomenon of pining after someone who is already our friend.  We have gotten several different questions on this topic and WE GET IT being serial-friend-crushers ourselves.  We do our best to get to all of it in this episode including:

1. Should I tell my friend I have a crush on them?  If so, how?  Is it bad not to tell them?

2. Is there a way to tell if...

In this episode we answer a listener question from someone who finds themselves avoiding their romantic longings out of fear that love might, once again, wreck the many awesome things going on in their independent life. We talk about the neurobiology of how and why a big romantic spark can make humans feel both so disoriented and so vulnerable.  Gillian brings out the super shrinky psychoanalytic theory to identify how new relation...

In this episode Gillian and Tink answer a listener question about discussing within a partnership things about each others' family patterns that we don't want to repeat in our present-day dynamic.  Risky business, folks!  We considered:

• Why the childhood survival brain makes people so reactive to criticism of their parents 
• How to "go first" acknowledging the challenges of your own family of origin before offe...

Today Tink and Gillian answer a listener question about how to determine when a relationship needs to end?  How do we figure this out for ourselves?  And when would we how would we ever reflect to close friends if we have a sense that their relationship might need to end?  As always we start with some tangential tales, this time including parrots and dolphins, but we swing right around to foundational ideas like:

1. The telltale sig...

In today's episode Gillian and Rebekah respond to a listener question on navigating casual sex, situationships, and considering deeper commitment outside the standard box of the heteronormative expectation and timeline.  We discuss pontoon boats, the plural of moose, and the attachment styles of ghosts.  Even still, we arrive at some ideas for how you can deeply inquire of yourself what you truly want and need, taking into acc...

Rebekah and Gillian explore a listener question on the relationship between lust and love, and the common predicament of dwindling lust in a long term relationship.  Discoveries include:

•  Some evolutionary psych intel on the different instinctual drives of hunting versus nesting and how these might relate to different kinks as well as ebbs and flows in lust
• A relationship anarchy lens on combing out and giving equal weight to the...

Rebekah and Gillian come back to finish the conversation on cheating, with the important element of how they have seen couples successfully repair after infidelity.  Personal responsibility and accountability, as well as distress tolerance seem to be the superpowers used by partners we have seen be successful in learning from, healing from, and growing together after betrayal.  We talk about needing to be perfect in front of a part...

Rebekah and Gillian respond to a listener question about cheating by taking a look at:
What kinds of “cheating” (really, betrayal) exist in relationships from the sexual to even the financial or informational!  We consider how relationship agreements can help to clarify what cheating really means for each partnership, and how can we normalize talking about these agreements early and often before painful confusion, accidental, o...

In today’s episode Rebekah and Gillian respond to a listener question about the dismay of finding that non-monogamous relationship structures can sometimes end up feeling just as confining and trapping as monogamous structures!  So disappointing! What’s a seeker of liberated love to do? Rebekah and Tink share some ideas, identifying how a sense of feeling trapped in relationship is likely less about number of partners, and more abo...

Gillian gets into a vortex of shrinky theory (she does this a lot) and brings in Kohut's theory of Self Psychology, which defines some primary things that children need to get from their caregivers to develop well.  Today we focus on the first of these which is "mirroring," or a caregiver's ability to reflect back to a child that they are loved and special because GUESS WHAT, how this did or didn't happen f...

In this episode, Gillian and Tink answer a listener's question about individuality in relationship, and how to maintain independence and connection to self while in a committed, monogamous relationship.  They dive deep into the theme of family systems and "individuation" or: how it worked or didn't work to be our own people in the company of the adults who raised us and how autonomy was or wasn't nurtured. ...

Patterns of codependency and manipulation can really sneak into romantic relationships despite the best intentions of all involved.  An "I Believe You" Party is one of our favorite tools to keep thinking clearly, to honor ourselves, to stay in our own business, let go of the pressure to convince the other person of anything including our own worth, and to treat partners with compassion even during conflict. We can throw t...