November 3, 2025 • 26 mins
The most dangerous stories are the quiet ones we tell ourselves: I’m fine, I don’t need anyone, it’s too late to change. They sound reasonable, even wise, yet they slowly script our choices, our relationships, and the limits of our identity. We open up about how those subtle lies form, why smart men believe them, and what it takes to trade false safety for honest strength.
We start with the moment many men recognize: two friends insisting everything’s good while both carry private battles. From there, we map the hidden loop that turns a single protective thought into behavior patterns that earn praise but cost connection. You’ll hear a clear, actionable framework to rewrite your story—name the lie, feel its cost, ask what’s true now, visualize the man who lives that truth, and practice small, aligned actions. Along the way, we lean on positive psychology’s broaden and build effect to show how truth expands options, deepens intimacy, and builds courage.
To move from insight to action, we offer journal prompts that reveal the need your lie protects—safety, belonging, significance—and help you choose one truth to stand in today, even if it’s uncomfortable. We share a memorable “book” metaphor for habit change: you don’t rip out old pages, you write the next chapter with better ink. The goal isn’t perfection; it’s integrity. When performing becomes heavier than honesty, you’re ready to stop rehearsing and start becoming.
If this conversation stirred something in you and you’re done doing the work alone, join us inside the Evolve Men Brotherhood—a private community for men leading with truth, courage, and connection. Get on the waitlist, subscribe for new episodes, and leave a review to help another man find his next brave step.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:04):
Men, before we dive in, I've got something big to
share with you.
The wait list for the Evolve MenBrotherhood is now open.
This is the space where men stopdoing the work alone.
Inside the Brotherhood, you'llconnect weekly with other men
committed to growth, leadership,and living with purpose.
You'll get access to live calls,courses, and the community that
(00:24):
keeps you accountable when lifegets hard.
Registration opens soon.
Join the wait list now atEvolvmen Project.com/slash
Brotherhood and be a part of themovement.
Hey, what's up guys?
Welcome back to the show.
So today I want to start with astory that might sound familiar
(00:48):
to many of you.
And for me, it it starts backwhen I really kind of realized
that I wasn't alone in thisworld and that there were other
men out there that wanted tohelp and support me.
So for a lot of my life, I hadlived this story that my
troubles were my own and thatnobody was experiencing the the
(01:08):
same sort of things that I wasin life, right?
That they weren't, they weren'thaving these struggles, that
they weren't, that they weren'tdoing these sort of things that
I was doing, right?
Like, you know, drinking,looking at porn, like any of
these different things.
And so all along, right, I justcontinued to reiterate that
(01:29):
story to myself that like I'mthe only one in this world
that's going through these sortof things in their in their
relationships, you know, intheir struggles in the
day-to-day life, right?
Whatever it is.
And so I never allowed myselflike nobody wants to hear my
story.
Men don't share those sort ofthings, right?
There's, you know, I'm I'll I'llbe crazy if I say it to anybody
(01:53):
else, right?
And and the problem with that isthat it left me alone, right?
It left me to not sharing thosethings, to not getting support,
to not yeah, to just really not,you know, recognizing for what
it is like stopping, taking aninventory, and recognizing where
(02:14):
it is that I was.
And so I just continued to tellmyself that story.
And so with anything that cameup in my life, I just figured
that nobody else wanted to hearabout it.
Nobody else wanted to supportme, that I was completely alone,
right?
That, you know, for all I knew,that I was gonna go my entire
life living the way that I was,with you know, and that there
(02:35):
was basically kind of no hope.
Right.
And once I started to kind ofopen up for it, right, and I and
I really realized that therewere that for the most part,
everyone around me was havingsimilar struggles in some sense,
right?
Whether it was just who theywere as a person, their
(02:57):
identity, how they showed up fortheir family, how they were
showing up for themselves.
Like the reality is likeeverybody has these same
struggles.
And but we're all, you know,sometimes I tell the story.
It's like two guys sittingacross from each other at a
table, right?
And one of them says to theother guy, like, hey man, what's
up?
You know, how have you beendoing?
What's new?
(03:17):
And he's like, Oh, you know,it's good, the family's good,
we're all doing really good,we're fine, right?
And the other guy's like, Yeah,but me too.
Like, we're we're doing reallygood.
But the reality is that behindthat, like everybody's
struggling, right?
That there's there's things thateven if they're minor, there's
this part of their identity andwho they are that it's like, I
can't, I can't share that withanybody.
(03:39):
Nobody wants to hear it.
And so when I really started torealize that there were other
men out there that werestruggling with some of these
same sort of things, right?
That they were on this journeyof growth and discovery,
everything really started tochange for me.
Right.
And so it it was recognizingthat lie for me that I'd been
telling myself all these yearsthat I was going through this
(04:01):
stuff alone, that nobody knewthose sort of struggles.
And and once I recognized that,and I and I recognized that it
was this story that I wascrafting over and over again, I
could start to change it.
Right.
So today we're gonna be talkingabout the lies that men live by,
right?
And and how to rewrite thatstory.
(04:23):
Because every man carries one.
And it, you know, it might soundlike, like I said earlier, like,
yeah, you know, I'm I'm fine,I'm doing good.
Right.
Or, you know what, I've I'vealways been this way.
There's no point in changingnow.
Or it's it's too late to change,right?
I'm can't teach an old dog newtricks, right?
Or I don't need anyone, right?
(04:46):
But the thing is, is that thosethose lines, as we're saying
those day in and day out, right?
The that they slip into our ouridentity, right?
So easily that we we stopquestioning them and they start
actually running the show.
And what makes them so powerfulisn't that they're they're loud,
(05:07):
right?
It's that they they soundreasonable, right?
They they actually give uspermission to stay the same as
we've always been, right?
Because it it's one of those,you know, it's it's not like
they're they're you knowscreaming in our ear or any of
these other things.
Like there's actually some logicto it, right?
(05:27):
Like, you know what, I'm too faralong in life, I'm in my 40s, in
my 50s or 60s, like you can'tteach an old dog new tricks.
Like, this is just the way thatI am, right?
I can't find somebody new,right?
Nobody will ever love me.
And so, but the truth is thatwhen you actually start to to
build your your life aroundthose lies, even a small one,
(05:50):
you end up living a version ofyour life that that isn't truly
yours, right?
And you you shrink down to tofit into that story, that story
that you've been tellingyourself over and over again,
right?
And you you edit yourself tostay consistent with that
script, right?
So instead of like stepping outof line or trying something new,
(06:10):
you're like, no, like this iswho I am, this is what I know.
And and at any opportunity foryou to start to deviate that,
you you like self, you know,correct and get back in line.
Right.
And so eventually the the liedoesn't just hide the truth, it
actually ends up replacing it,right?
(06:31):
And and that's what's at stakehere.
So we're gonna talk a little bitabout the the hidden
architecture of a lie, right?
Every every lie that we live bybegins as just a single thought,
right?
That that felt safe, right?
And it comes in, it's almostlike this whisper off to the
(06:53):
side, right?
That you know, maybe it startedwith like disappointment or
shame.
You know, maybe it was maybe itwas a story that that you
learned early on as a child,right?
To not to not rock the boat,that you know what, I don't, I
don't need too much.
Just just be easy, like quitbeing the the like the
overdramatic or the the needyone.
(07:16):
And that that thought, the thingis that that thought creates a
feeling from it, right?
Maybe maybe calm, maybe control.
And as a result of that, thatfeeling drives a behavior,
right?
So you avoid conflict, you keepquiet, you overperform, or you
(07:39):
you numb out, right?
And those those behaviors,right, they create results,
right?
People, as a result of that, ofyou, you know, avoiding the
conflict or having the hardconversations or being quiet,
maybe people praise you, right,for for being reliable or steady
or successful.
And those results reinforce theoriginal belief, right?
(08:01):
And so round and around we go.
If if you can you can see thissort of invisible loop that we
have, that there's thissituation that we come across,
whatever it might be, good, bad,or indifferent.
And from that, we create thisthought in our head that I'm I'm
not good enough, right?
I nobody will ever love me.
Like if I say that thing, peoplewon't want to be my friend,
(08:25):
right?
That, you know, I'm notconfident, I'm not good looking
enough, or whatever it is.
And from that, right, so we'vegot the situation, we've got our
thought, the emotions that itcreates, the actions that we
take.
And as a result of that, right,there's there's this like
feedback loop.
And this worked both ways.
It can be both positive andnegative, but what happens a lot
of time is that it's it'snegative.
unknown (08:47):
Right.
SPEAKER_00 (08:48):
And it's so it's not that you're you're lazy or
broken, right, as a result ofthis loop that you get into.
It's that your your brainlearned to associate truth with
pain and lies, right, withsafety.
(09:09):
So the first step in all of thisis just awareness to to notice
the pattern, to notice thelanguage that you're using with
yourself.
And every time that you hearyourself say things like always
or never or like just how I am,you gotta pause.
(09:29):
Right.
And and that's that's usuallythe sound of an old story coming
up for you.
Right.
And you can't lead yourself ifyou're being led by a lie.
So why do we believe our ownlies?
Right?
Because it seems really simple.
You know, there's this voicegoing on, you think to yourself,
(09:51):
like, dude, that's I would neverbelieve that sort of stuff.
Right?
But let's let's go a little bitdeeper, right?
Why do smart, capable menbelieve the their own
falsehoods?
Right?
Because those those lies meetneeds at the time.
They they protect us fromexposure, they give us a sense
(10:14):
of control, they let us belongto the version of the world that
we know, right?
Because telling yourself likeI'm fine is easier than
admitting that you're lonely.
Right.
If the guys are, you know, andand and this can happen in any
sort of environment, right?
The the guys invite you out,right?
And like, hey man, how are youdoing?
(10:35):
You know, I I know you and yourgirlfriend broke up.
Like, how are you doing?
Like, man, I'm fine.
I don't need anybody, right?
But the reality in those sort ofsituations, like, dude, it's
hard for you to maybe admit toyour guy friends that, dude, I
am I'm struggling, I'm lonely.
You know, saying things like I Idon't care feels safer than
risking the the rejection,right?
(10:57):
Or the the scrutiny in thosemoments.
Pretending that, you know, I'vegot it under control is is
easier than saying like that I'mscared, that I might I might
fail at doing this.
Right.
So underneath every lie, there'sa need for safety underneath it,
right?
Safety or belonging orsignificance, right?
(11:19):
And it's it's not weakness, it'shumanity because it happens for
all of us.
But when that need stays hiddenfor long periods of time, even I
mean lifetimes, it it becomes itit gets to the point where it
rules who you are.
So here's the paradox that themoment that you start telling
(11:42):
the truth, you you expand yourworld, right?
Positive psychology calls it thethe broaden and build effect,
right?
The truth broadens yourawareness and it builds new
options, expands possibility.
When you start to like switchthese sort of things around and
you start to say, like, you knowwhat, I'm not fine.
(12:04):
Right.
You you make you make space forsupport in those sort of
moments.
When you say, like, I doactually care, I care a lot.
I'm a person that cares a lotabout this.
And so you you you start to openup the door to intimacy and
connection and things, right?
And these are all the thingsthat that over and over again in
my life, like, you know, peopleused to always say to me all the
(12:26):
time, like, man, like Corey'snever, he's never high, he's
never low, he's always just ahe's just a five, right?
And that's because I was never Ihad this story, right?
That I told myself, like I said,that that nobody ever wanted to
hear what I had to say, that Iwasn't it wasn't important
enough, right?
And so as a result of that, likeit really limited the depth of
(12:48):
my relationships, myfriendships, my my connection,
right?
So, because the truth is that,well, in that, that truth
creates motion and lies createthese loops that we just cycle
through over and over and overagain.
So the question becomes this,right?
(13:09):
What what truth, what truthwants to move through you right
now, but you've been avoidingit.
So, how do we rewrite thatstory, right?
These things that we've beentelling ourselves over and over
again, many of us for our entirelives, right?
And here's where the shifthappens.
(13:29):
You don't rewrite your story bydeleting the past, like acting
like they never happened, right?
You rewrite it by changing yourrelationship to it.
And I'll I'll come back to it,but there there's a story that I
that I want to kind of expresswith this as well.
(13:51):
So step one is to to name thelie, right?
And so whisper it if you haveto, but call it what it is, is
to catch it in that moment,right?
Of like, oh shit, that's that'shappening again.
Right.
Step two is to feel the cost,right?
Because every every lie has aprice, right?
(14:12):
It's lost energy, it'sconnection, it's self-respect.
And let yourself actually feelthe weight of that because
that's what that's what startsto wake you up, right?
When you start to recognizethat, man, I've been telling
myself this like this lieforever.
And as a result of that, likeI'm not making the friendships,
I'm not making the connections,I'm my relationships with my my
(14:34):
wife or partner or my kids aresuffering as a result of that.
Right.
And that carries a weight thatyou know when you start to look
at it, is unbearable.
So step three is to ask, like,what's actually true?
Not not what was true like fiveyears ago, right?
Not what somebody else said, butwhat's actually true today?
(14:56):
Like, how much, how much, youknow, one of the things I say
often is like, would this beirrefutable in a court of law?
I think that's the right word,right?
Is this something that somebodycould actually stand up and
stay?
Like, hey, Corey, you know,Corey's a bad guy.
Corey has no respect for anybodyelse.
Corey is not a hard worker.
(15:18):
No, of course not.
Like, I could I could ask anynumber of people, and they would
argue that point, you know, infavor that I am a good person,
that I I am contributing to theworld, that I am a good father
and a good partner and thesesort of things.
So what's actually true?
Step four is to to see yourselfliving that truth, right?
(15:41):
And so, you know, maybe thatmeans like closing your eyes and
actually picturing the man whowho lives from that place,
right?
Is carrying out those actions,right?
And to see how he actually howhe carries himself, how he
speaks, how he shows up, how hebreathes, right?
And feel it in your body.
And this isn't just like woo-woofantasy, right?
(16:05):
That's this is rehearsal for thenew story that you're writing
for yourself.
So step five is to to begin toactually speak and act like him,
right?
One conversation at a time, oneboundary at a time, one
decision.
One one of the things that Italk about a lot is this model
of like be do have, right?
(16:26):
And and kind of as a part ofthat, like, who do you want to
be?
Right?
What sort of what sort of persondo you want to be?
What sort of characteristics doyou want to embody?
Right.
And as a result of that, whenyou define what that is, what do
you have to do as a result ofthat to actually carry that out,
right?
Do you stand up straight?
(16:46):
Do you talk with moreconfidence?
You hold your boundaries alittle bit more.
And as a result of that, you endup having what it is that you
want.
So the the thing kind of comesdown to is that every action
that you take from truth changesthat story, right?
Every time that you tell thetruth faster, you you reclaim
authorship.
(17:07):
So the story that I that Iwanted to kind of tell with this
as we kind of get to the end ofthis little part of the section
is that I heard it once from oneof my mentors kind of described
as a book, right?
And it was this book that wehave all throughout our lives
that that we carry around withus.
And yeah, I'll I'll tell it howit was kind of described to me
(17:28):
at the time.
And so it's this book that says,like, okay, you know, it's it's
like a framework or a cookbookfor life.
Like, okay, on chapter 63, whenI see a cute girl on the street,
I it says here that I look downor I look away and I don't pay
any attention to it and I justkeep walking by, right?
(17:49):
That that's what I do, that'swho I am.
And so that story could be thesame for anybody.
Like, hey, you know, when achallenging situation comes up
in my relationship, I act likeit didn't happen and I don't
bring it up again.
Okay.
Right.
And so every time that we thatsituation comes up in our life,
right, instead of actually likehaving to figure it out again
(18:13):
over and over, like we justflip, you know, we go right to
the index and we see that in thebook on page 57, like this is
how I handle difficultconversations or whatever it
might be.
And so, and every time that youdo that, right, to this point
that I was talking about, everytime that you do that, you're
writing it harder and harder andharder again over that ink in
(18:35):
the book.
Right.
So, but every time that youstart to change that, right?
You're so in that situation,you're walking down the street,
right?
And you see a beautiful womanthat you want to talk to.
And and maybe it's not doesn'thappen on the first try, right?
But this time, right, uh thesituation comes up.
You turn to page 57 or 633 orwhatever it was, right?
(18:58):
And you say, okay, I this iswhat I like.
Here's the here's the section,this is what it says.
And you say, you know what?
I'm not gonna do that this time.
I'm not gonna, I I I recognize,you know, and so we go going
back to like step one, right?
Naming that, holy shit, likethis is what I'm doing every
(19:20):
single time, this story, overand over again.
And as a result of it, I'm nevermaking these sort of connections
that I want to.
What's actually true?
You know, and so going throughthis process, but so as as the
story goes on, right, you startto the ink in that starts to get
lighter and lighter and lighteragain.
And it starts to not tearthrough the other pages until at
(19:41):
which point you start writing anew chapter in that book and you
start writing a new story,right?
A new part of the framework thatyou can look look to later on.
And you don't so it's so kind ofgoing back to it, it's not like
those chapters don't exist.
We don't just get to tear a pageout of the book, right?
It's there, sure, and there'sthere's a part of it for
whatever reason that that servedus at that time in our life, but
(20:05):
we're we're making a differentdecision now, right?
Uh a decision of what's true,and we're gonna actually live
from that truth.
So, with that, right, if we wereto just kind of remember, I
think one of the takeaways hereis that we're not the story that
(20:27):
we've been handed our entirelives, that that book that we've
been carried around, that it'snot actually who we are, that
it's something that we created,right, that we wrote in, right?
Whether that was from situationsthat we were in, right, but
we're the author of that book,and that we can rewrite it with
(20:48):
new, updated, more accurateinformation.
So I want you guys to kind ofpause for a moment and and to
take a breath, right?
If you're if you're if you'redriving or whatever it is that
you're doing that you can'tpause and stop for a minute,
then just I just want you toreflect on this for a moment.
(21:10):
Right.
And if you're at home, take amoment and grab your journal.
All right.
So I want you to to take amoment to to think about these
questions that I'm gonna ask.
And so the first one is what'swhat's one lie that you've been
quietly agreeing to, right?
Over and over again, day in andday out, right?
(21:30):
About, you know, maybe who youare or you know, the progress
that you're making or not makingin your life.
The second question is, whatdoes that lie protect you from?
From feeling or or facing,right?
Because there's something there,there's a reason that we're
telling ourselves these lies,that there's something that
(21:53):
we're avoiding.
So again, the second questionis, what does that lie protect
you from feeling or facing?
The third question is, whatwould telling the truth make
possible?
So if you were to actually saythat thing, right, or to do that
thing, that it is that lie thatyou're telling yourself, what
(22:15):
would actually open up for you?
What would change?
How would how would you grow inyour life as a result of that?
So third question again is whatwould telling the truth make
possible?
The fourth question is who doyou become when you stop
pretending?
Right?
What version of yourself do youstep into as when you stop
(22:40):
pretending that that's the case?
The fifth question is what's onetruth that you're willing to
stand in today, even if it costsyou comfort?
And this doesn't have to beright, as we're thinking about
this, this doesn't have to bemonumental shift, like, hey, I'm
gonna, I'm gonna go out, youknow, it's like that fuck you,
(23:01):
fuck you sort of thing.
Like, we're just looking to makelike what's one thing that we
can that we can stand in today,a truth that we're willing to
stand by, even if it makes us alittle bit uncomfortable.
So here's what I want you toremember from today that you're
not broken, right?
(23:21):
For for believing the lies,right?
That at any of these thesetimes, we're just trying to
survive them.
But survival, survival is notwhat we're here for, right?
We're not we're not meant toborn and die living from this
sense of survival.
We're we're meant to to lead,right?
And every man reaches a pointwhere pretending becomes heavier
(23:46):
than on honesty, right?
And and when that moment comes,you you have a choice, right?
You can either keep performingor you can start becoming.
Becoming the man that you'rebecoming, right, doesn't have to
hide behind half-truths, right?
He meets himself honestly, evenwhen it hurts, because he knows
(24:10):
that that that's where the realstrength begins.
So this week, I want you topractice that, right?
When you when you feel yourselfrehearsing an old script, I want
you to pause, right, and take abreath, and to to say the truth
out loud, right?
Even even if it catches you alittle bit, right?
Even if it doesn't feel right,even if it sounds a little
(24:32):
silly, right?
Because that's what rewritingyour story looks like in real
time.
Perfect.
Well, that so if thisconversation today, guys,
stirred something in you, right?
If you're ready to start walkingwith other men who are who are
(24:56):
done pretending and committed toleading from truth, then I want
to invite you into the EvolvedMen Brotherhood.
It's our private community formen who are ready to do this
work together, men buildinglives of integrity, courage, and
connection.
Right?
You can join the wait list nowat Evolvemenproject.comslash
brotherhood.
When when the door is open,you'll be the first to know.
(25:17):
And you'll you'll step into acircle of of brothers who
actually get it, men who whochallenge you, who support you,
and remind you that you don'thave to do this alone.
Because transformation doesn'thappen in isolation, it happens
in brotherhood.
Hey, before you go, this podcastis just the surface.
The real work happens inside theEvolve Men Brotherhood.
(25:40):
This is our private community ofmen committed to leading
themselves boldly, buildingconfidence, and sharpening one
another in the fire.
Registration officially opensDecember 1st, and we kick off
our Brotherhood calls togetherbeginning in January 2026.
But you can get on the listtoday and be the first to claim
your spot.
If you're tired of going to lifealone and you're ready for true
(26:01):
accountability, support, andconnection with men who get it,
head to EvolvementProject.comslash Brotherhood.
Don't just listen, step into theBrotherhood.
I'll see you inside.
Men, before we dive in, I've got something big to
share with you.
The wait list for the Evolve MenBrotherhood is now open.
This is the space where men stopdoing the work alone.
Inside the Brotherhood, you'llconnect weekly with other men
committed to growth, leadership,and living with purpose.
You'll get access to live calls,courses, and the community that
(00:24):
keeps you accountable when lifegets hard.
Registration opens soon.
Join the wait list now atEvolvmen Project.com/slash
Brotherhood and be a part of themovement.
Hey, what's up guys?
Welcome back to the show.
So today I want to start with astory that might sound familiar
(00:48):
to many of you.
And for me, it it starts backwhen I really kind of realized
that I wasn't alone in thisworld and that there were other
men out there that wanted tohelp and support me.
So for a lot of my life, I hadlived this story that my
troubles were my own and thatnobody was experiencing the the
(01:08):
same sort of things that I wasin life, right?
That they weren't, they weren'thaving these struggles, that
they weren't, that they weren'tdoing these sort of things that
I was doing, right?
Like, you know, drinking,looking at porn, like any of
these different things.
And so all along, right, I justcontinued to reiterate that
(01:29):
story to myself that like I'mthe only one in this world
that's going through these sortof things in their in their
relationships, you know, intheir struggles in the
day-to-day life, right?
Whatever it is.
And so I never allowed myselflike nobody wants to hear my
story.
Men don't share those sort ofthings, right?
There's, you know, I'm I'll I'llbe crazy if I say it to anybody
(01:53):
else, right?
And and the problem with that isthat it left me alone, right?
It left me to not sharing thosethings, to not getting support,
to not yeah, to just really not,you know, recognizing for what
it is like stopping, taking aninventory, and recognizing where
(02:14):
it is that I was.
And so I just continued to tellmyself that story.
And so with anything that cameup in my life, I just figured
that nobody else wanted to hearabout it.
Nobody else wanted to supportme, that I was completely alone,
right?
That, you know, for all I knew,that I was gonna go my entire
life living the way that I was,with you know, and that there
(02:35):
was basically kind of no hope.
Right.
And once I started to kind ofopen up for it, right, and I and
I really realized that therewere that for the most part,
everyone around me was havingsimilar struggles in some sense,
right?
Whether it was just who theywere as a person, their
(02:57):
identity, how they showed up fortheir family, how they were
showing up for themselves.
Like the reality is likeeverybody has these same
struggles.
And but we're all, you know,sometimes I tell the story.
It's like two guys sittingacross from each other at a
table, right?
And one of them says to theother guy, like, hey man, what's
up?
You know, how have you beendoing?
What's new?
(03:17):
And he's like, Oh, you know,it's good, the family's good,
we're all doing really good,we're fine, right?
And the other guy's like, Yeah,but me too.
Like, we're we're doing reallygood.
But the reality is that behindthat, like everybody's
struggling, right?
That there's there's things thateven if they're minor, there's
this part of their identity andwho they are that it's like, I
can't, I can't share that withanybody.
(03:39):
Nobody wants to hear it.
And so when I really started torealize that there were other
men out there that werestruggling with some of these
same sort of things, right?
That they were on this journeyof growth and discovery,
everything really started tochange for me.
Right.
And so it it was recognizingthat lie for me that I'd been
telling myself all these yearsthat I was going through this
(04:01):
stuff alone, that nobody knewthose sort of struggles.
And and once I recognized that,and I and I recognized that it
was this story that I wascrafting over and over again, I
could start to change it.
Right.
So today we're gonna be talkingabout the lies that men live by,
right?
And and how to rewrite thatstory.
(04:23):
Because every man carries one.
And it, you know, it might soundlike, like I said earlier, like,
yeah, you know, I'm I'm fine,I'm doing good.
Right.
Or, you know what, I've I'vealways been this way.
There's no point in changingnow.
Or it's it's too late to change,right?
I'm can't teach an old dog newtricks, right?
Or I don't need anyone, right?
(04:46):
But the thing is, is that thosethose lines, as we're saying
those day in and day out, right?
The that they slip into our ouridentity, right?
So easily that we we stopquestioning them and they start
actually running the show.
And what makes them so powerfulisn't that they're they're loud,
(05:07):
right?
It's that they they soundreasonable, right?
They they actually give uspermission to stay the same as
we've always been, right?
Because it it's one of those,you know, it's it's not like
they're they're you knowscreaming in our ear or any of
these other things.
Like there's actually some logicto it, right?
(05:27):
Like, you know what, I'm too faralong in life, I'm in my 40s, in
my 50s or 60s, like you can'tteach an old dog new tricks.
Like, this is just the way thatI am, right?
I can't find somebody new,right?
Nobody will ever love me.
And so, but the truth is thatwhen you actually start to to
build your your life aroundthose lies, even a small one,
(05:50):
you end up living a version ofyour life that that isn't truly
yours, right?
And you you shrink down to tofit into that story, that story
that you've been tellingyourself over and over again,
right?
And you you edit yourself tostay consistent with that
script, right?
So instead of like stepping outof line or trying something new,
(06:10):
you're like, no, like this iswho I am, this is what I know.
And and at any opportunity foryou to start to deviate that,
you you like self, you know,correct and get back in line.
Right.
And so eventually the the liedoesn't just hide the truth, it
actually ends up replacing it,right?
(06:31):
And and that's what's at stakehere.
So we're gonna talk a little bitabout the the hidden
architecture of a lie, right?
Every every lie that we live bybegins as just a single thought,
right?
That that felt safe, right?
And it comes in, it's almostlike this whisper off to the
(06:53):
side, right?
That you know, maybe it startedwith like disappointment or
shame.
You know, maybe it was maybe itwas a story that that you
learned early on as a child,right?
To not to not rock the boat,that you know what, I don't, I
don't need too much.
Just just be easy, like quitbeing the the like the
overdramatic or the the needyone.
(07:16):
And that that thought, the thingis that that thought creates a
feeling from it, right?
Maybe maybe calm, maybe control.
And as a result of that, thatfeeling drives a behavior,
right?
So you avoid conflict, you keepquiet, you overperform, or you
(07:39):
you numb out, right?
And those those behaviors,right, they create results,
right?
People, as a result of that, ofyou, you know, avoiding the
conflict or having the hardconversations or being quiet,
maybe people praise you, right,for for being reliable or steady
or successful.
And those results reinforce theoriginal belief, right?
(08:01):
And so round and around we go.
If if you can you can see thissort of invisible loop that we
have, that there's thissituation that we come across,
whatever it might be, good, bad,or indifferent.
And from that, we create thisthought in our head that I'm I'm
not good enough, right?
I nobody will ever love me.
Like if I say that thing, peoplewon't want to be my friend,
(08:25):
right?
That, you know, I'm notconfident, I'm not good looking
enough, or whatever it is.
And from that, right, so we'vegot the situation, we've got our
thought, the emotions that itcreates, the actions that we
take.
And as a result of that, right,there's there's this like
feedback loop.
And this worked both ways.
It can be both positive andnegative, but what happens a lot
of time is that it's it'snegative.
unknown (08:47):
Right.
SPEAKER_00 (08:48):
And it's so it's not that you're you're lazy or
broken, right, as a result ofthis loop that you get into.
It's that your your brainlearned to associate truth with
pain and lies, right, withsafety.
(09:09):
So the first step in all of thisis just awareness to to notice
the pattern, to notice thelanguage that you're using with
yourself.
And every time that you hearyourself say things like always
or never or like just how I am,you gotta pause.
(09:29):
Right.
And and that's that's usuallythe sound of an old story coming
up for you.
Right.
And you can't lead yourself ifyou're being led by a lie.
So why do we believe our ownlies?
Right?
Because it seems really simple.
You know, there's this voicegoing on, you think to yourself,
(09:51):
like, dude, that's I would neverbelieve that sort of stuff.
Right?
But let's let's go a little bitdeeper, right?
Why do smart, capable menbelieve the their own
falsehoods?
Right?
Because those those lies meetneeds at the time.
They they protect us fromexposure, they give us a sense
(10:14):
of control, they let us belongto the version of the world that
we know, right?
Because telling yourself likeI'm fine is easier than
admitting that you're lonely.
Right.
If the guys are, you know, andand and this can happen in any
sort of environment, right?
The the guys invite you out,right?
And like, hey man, how are youdoing?
(10:35):
You know, I I know you and yourgirlfriend broke up.
Like, how are you doing?
Like, man, I'm fine.
I don't need anybody, right?
But the reality in those sort ofsituations, like, dude, it's
hard for you to maybe admit toyour guy friends that, dude, I
am I'm struggling, I'm lonely.
You know, saying things like I Idon't care feels safer than
risking the the rejection,right?
(10:57):
Or the the scrutiny in thosemoments.
Pretending that, you know, I'vegot it under control is is
easier than saying like that I'mscared, that I might I might
fail at doing this.
Right.
So underneath every lie, there'sa need for safety underneath it,
right?
Safety or belonging orsignificance, right?
(11:19):
And it's it's not weakness, it'shumanity because it happens for
all of us.
But when that need stays hiddenfor long periods of time, even I
mean lifetimes, it it becomes itit gets to the point where it
rules who you are.
So here's the paradox that themoment that you start telling
(11:42):
the truth, you you expand yourworld, right?
Positive psychology calls it thethe broaden and build effect,
right?
The truth broadens yourawareness and it builds new
options, expands possibility.
When you start to like switchthese sort of things around and
you start to say, like, you knowwhat, I'm not fine.
(12:04):
Right.
You you make you make space forsupport in those sort of
moments.
When you say, like, I doactually care, I care a lot.
I'm a person that cares a lotabout this.
And so you you you start to openup the door to intimacy and
connection and things, right?
And these are all the thingsthat that over and over again in
my life, like, you know, peopleused to always say to me all the
(12:26):
time, like, man, like Corey'snever, he's never high, he's
never low, he's always just ahe's just a five, right?
And that's because I was never Ihad this story, right?
That I told myself, like I said,that that nobody ever wanted to
hear what I had to say, that Iwasn't it wasn't important
enough, right?
And so as a result of that, likeit really limited the depth of
(12:48):
my relationships, myfriendships, my my connection,
right?
So, because the truth is that,well, in that, that truth
creates motion and lies createthese loops that we just cycle
through over and over and overagain.
So the question becomes this,right?
(13:09):
What what truth, what truthwants to move through you right
now, but you've been avoidingit.
So, how do we rewrite thatstory, right?
These things that we've beentelling ourselves over and over
again, many of us for our entirelives, right?
And here's where the shifthappens.
(13:29):
You don't rewrite your story bydeleting the past, like acting
like they never happened, right?
You rewrite it by changing yourrelationship to it.
And I'll I'll come back to it,but there there's a story that I
that I want to kind of expresswith this as well.
(13:51):
So step one is to to name thelie, right?
And so whisper it if you haveto, but call it what it is, is
to catch it in that moment,right?
Of like, oh shit, that's that'shappening again.
Right.
Step two is to feel the cost,right?
Because every every lie has aprice, right?
(14:12):
It's lost energy, it'sconnection, it's self-respect.
And let yourself actually feelthe weight of that because
that's what that's what startsto wake you up, right?
When you start to recognizethat, man, I've been telling
myself this like this lieforever.
And as a result of that, likeI'm not making the friendships,
I'm not making the connections,I'm my relationships with my my
(14:34):
wife or partner or my kids aresuffering as a result of that.
Right.
And that carries a weight thatyou know when you start to look
at it, is unbearable.
So step three is to ask, like,what's actually true?
Not not what was true like fiveyears ago, right?
Not what somebody else said, butwhat's actually true today?
(14:56):
Like, how much, how much, youknow, one of the things I say
often is like, would this beirrefutable in a court of law?
I think that's the right word,right?
Is this something that somebodycould actually stand up and
stay?
Like, hey, Corey, you know,Corey's a bad guy.
Corey has no respect for anybodyelse.
Corey is not a hard worker.
(15:18):
No, of course not.
Like, I could I could ask anynumber of people, and they would
argue that point, you know, infavor that I am a good person,
that I I am contributing to theworld, that I am a good father
and a good partner and thesesort of things.
So what's actually true?
Step four is to to see yourselfliving that truth, right?
(15:41):
And so, you know, maybe thatmeans like closing your eyes and
actually picturing the man whowho lives from that place,
right?
Is carrying out those actions,right?
And to see how he actually howhe carries himself, how he
speaks, how he shows up, how hebreathes, right?
And feel it in your body.
And this isn't just like woo-woofantasy, right?
(16:05):
That's this is rehearsal for thenew story that you're writing
for yourself.
So step five is to to begin toactually speak and act like him,
right?
One conversation at a time, oneboundary at a time, one
decision.
One one of the things that Italk about a lot is this model
of like be do have, right?
(16:26):
And and kind of as a part ofthat, like, who do you want to
be?
Right?
What sort of what sort of persondo you want to be?
What sort of characteristics doyou want to embody?
Right.
And as a result of that, whenyou define what that is, what do
you have to do as a result ofthat to actually carry that out,
right?
Do you stand up straight?
(16:46):
Do you talk with moreconfidence?
You hold your boundaries alittle bit more.
And as a result of that, you endup having what it is that you
want.
So the the thing kind of comesdown to is that every action
that you take from truth changesthat story, right?
Every time that you tell thetruth faster, you you reclaim
authorship.
(17:07):
So the story that I that Iwanted to kind of tell with this
as we kind of get to the end ofthis little part of the section
is that I heard it once from oneof my mentors kind of described
as a book, right?
And it was this book that wehave all throughout our lives
that that we carry around withus.
And yeah, I'll I'll tell it howit was kind of described to me
(17:28):
at the time.
And so it's this book that says,like, okay, you know, it's it's
like a framework or a cookbookfor life.
Like, okay, on chapter 63, whenI see a cute girl on the street,
I it says here that I look downor I look away and I don't pay
any attention to it and I justkeep walking by, right?
(17:49):
That that's what I do, that'swho I am.
And so that story could be thesame for anybody.
Like, hey, you know, when achallenging situation comes up
in my relationship, I act likeit didn't happen and I don't
bring it up again.
Okay.
Right.
And so every time that we thatsituation comes up in our life,
right, instead of actually likehaving to figure it out again
(18:13):
over and over, like we justflip, you know, we go right to
the index and we see that in thebook on page 57, like this is
how I handle difficultconversations or whatever it
might be.
And so, and every time that youdo that, right, to this point
that I was talking about, everytime that you do that, you're
writing it harder and harder andharder again over that ink in
(18:35):
the book.
Right.
So, but every time that youstart to change that, right?
You're so in that situation,you're walking down the street,
right?
And you see a beautiful womanthat you want to talk to.
And and maybe it's not doesn'thappen on the first try, right?
But this time, right, uh thesituation comes up.
You turn to page 57 or 633 orwhatever it was, right?
(18:58):
And you say, okay, I this iswhat I like.
Here's the here's the section,this is what it says.
And you say, you know what?
I'm not gonna do that this time.
I'm not gonna, I I I recognize,you know, and so we go going
back to like step one, right?
Naming that, holy shit, likethis is what I'm doing every
(19:20):
single time, this story, overand over again.
And as a result of it, I'm nevermaking these sort of connections
that I want to.
What's actually true?
You know, and so going throughthis process, but so as as the
story goes on, right, you startto the ink in that starts to get
lighter and lighter and lighteragain.
And it starts to not tearthrough the other pages until at
(19:41):
which point you start writing anew chapter in that book and you
start writing a new story,right?
A new part of the framework thatyou can look look to later on.
And you don't so it's so kind ofgoing back to it, it's not like
those chapters don't exist.
We don't just get to tear a pageout of the book, right?
It's there, sure, and there'sthere's a part of it for
whatever reason that that servedus at that time in our life, but
(20:05):
we're we're making a differentdecision now, right?
Uh a decision of what's true,and we're gonna actually live
from that truth.
So, with that, right, if we wereto just kind of remember, I
think one of the takeaways hereis that we're not the story that
(20:27):
we've been handed our entirelives, that that book that we've
been carried around, that it'snot actually who we are, that
it's something that we created,right, that we wrote in, right?
Whether that was from situationsthat we were in, right, but
we're the author of that book,and that we can rewrite it with
(20:48):
new, updated, more accurateinformation.
So I want you guys to kind ofpause for a moment and and to
take a breath, right?
If you're if you're if you'redriving or whatever it is that
you're doing that you can'tpause and stop for a minute,
then just I just want you toreflect on this for a moment.
(21:10):
Right.
And if you're at home, take amoment and grab your journal.
All right.
So I want you to to take amoment to to think about these
questions that I'm gonna ask.
And so the first one is what'swhat's one lie that you've been
quietly agreeing to, right?
Over and over again, day in andday out, right?
(21:30):
About, you know, maybe who youare or you know, the progress
that you're making or not makingin your life.
The second question is, whatdoes that lie protect you from?
From feeling or or facing,right?
Because there's something there,there's a reason that we're
telling ourselves these lies,that there's something that
(21:53):
we're avoiding.
So again, the second questionis, what does that lie protect
you from feeling or facing?
The third question is, whatwould telling the truth make
possible?
So if you were to actually saythat thing, right, or to do that
thing, that it is that lie thatyou're telling yourself, what
(22:15):
would actually open up for you?
What would change?
How would how would you grow inyour life as a result of that?
So third question again is whatwould telling the truth make
possible?
The fourth question is who doyou become when you stop
pretending?
Right?
What version of yourself do youstep into as when you stop
(22:40):
pretending that that's the case?
The fifth question is what's onetruth that you're willing to
stand in today, even if it costsyou comfort?
And this doesn't have to beright, as we're thinking about
this, this doesn't have to bemonumental shift, like, hey, I'm
gonna, I'm gonna go out, youknow, it's like that fuck you,
(23:01):
fuck you sort of thing.
Like, we're just looking to makelike what's one thing that we
can that we can stand in today,a truth that we're willing to
stand by, even if it makes us alittle bit uncomfortable.
So here's what I want you toremember from today that you're
not broken, right?
(23:21):
For for believing the lies,right?
That at any of these thesetimes, we're just trying to
survive them.
But survival, survival is notwhat we're here for, right?
We're not we're not meant toborn and die living from this
sense of survival.
We're we're meant to to lead,right?
And every man reaches a pointwhere pretending becomes heavier
(23:46):
than on honesty, right?
And and when that moment comes,you you have a choice, right?
You can either keep performingor you can start becoming.
Becoming the man that you'rebecoming, right, doesn't have to
hide behind half-truths, right?
He meets himself honestly, evenwhen it hurts, because he knows
(24:10):
that that that's where the realstrength begins.
So this week, I want you topractice that, right?
When you when you feel yourselfrehearsing an old script, I want
you to pause, right, and take abreath, and to to say the truth
out loud, right?
Even even if it catches you alittle bit, right?
Even if it doesn't feel right,even if it sounds a little
(24:32):
silly, right?
Because that's what rewritingyour story looks like in real
time.
Perfect.
Well, that so if thisconversation today, guys,
stirred something in you, right?
If you're ready to start walkingwith other men who are who are
(24:56):
done pretending and committed toleading from truth, then I want
to invite you into the EvolvedMen Brotherhood.
It's our private community formen who are ready to do this
work together, men buildinglives of integrity, courage, and
connection.
Right?
You can join the wait list nowat Evolvemenproject.comslash
brotherhood.
When when the door is open,you'll be the first to know.
(25:17):
And you'll you'll step into acircle of of brothers who
actually get it, men who whochallenge you, who support you,
and remind you that you don'thave to do this alone.
Because transformation doesn'thappen in isolation, it happens
in brotherhood.
Hey, before you go, this podcastis just the surface.
The real work happens inside theEvolve Men Brotherhood.
(25:40):
This is our private community ofmen committed to leading
themselves boldly, buildingconfidence, and sharpening one
another in the fire.
Registration officially opensDecember 1st, and we kick off
our Brotherhood calls togetherbeginning in January 2026.
But you can get on the listtoday and be the first to claim
your spot.
If you're tired of going to lifealone and you're ready for true
(26:01):
accountability, support, andconnection with men who get it,
head to EvolvementProject.comslash Brotherhood.
Don't just listen, step into theBrotherhood.
I'll see you inside.
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