October 24, 2024 • 25 mins
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Imagine mistaking infatuation for love, only to find yourself trapped in a cycle of toxicity. We've been there, and we're sharing our stories to help you avoid the same pitfalls. This episode uncovers the sobering realization of being in unhealthy relationships and the journey towards healing. Drawing from personal experiences, we explore how childhood influences and societal norms skew our perceptions of relationships. Gain valuable insights into recognizing red flags and the critical role friends and family play in helping us regain clarity and courage to step away.
As we move beyond the chaos, we focus on self-reflection and growth. Our paths to rebuilding involved delving into therapy, self-development books, and fitness. We also highlight the power of journaling and taking time off social interactions to prioritize self-care. By embracing self-awareness and setting boundaries, we learn to communicate our needs effectively and foster healthier relationships. Join us as we share our empowering journeys towards self-discovery and the fulfillment that comes with recognizing and accepting our roles in past dynamics.
Healing isn't just about moving on—it's about understanding and overcoming emotional triggers from the past. We candidly discuss how recognizing these triggers and fostering open communication with partners can transform relationships. Discover creative tools, like using daily passwords as reminders for personal goals, and the importance of a robust support system. As we wrap up, we extend an invitation for listeners to engage, share experiences, and explore active healing practices that promote a positive mindset in everyday life.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Brittany (00:10):
Today's podcast topic is healing yourself, so we're
going to go into you know howyou get out of a you know little
rough patch, some tips forcontinuing that on, and you know
just how we dealt with a coupleof situations throughout our
life.
So, warning, calm your tits.
No offense will be taken here.
So grab your favorite drink,burn your bra and have a good
(00:33):
time.
Meghan (00:35):
All right, let's start with how do you get into them?
And then, really, how do youget out?
For me there's a lot of falsepositives, so he wasn't really
who he said he was.
He was kind of just putting onand then ultimately started
getting worse over time.
And then I think also I waswaiting for Mr Right for so long
(00:59):
that I did lie to myself alittle bit as well.
How about you, brittany?
Brittany (01:05):
Yeah, I think that always kind of is the case when
you meet somebody and you're ina relationship or you're
thinking about getting in arelationship with someone.
You're so caught up in thehoneymoon phase and it's really
the infatuation phase because Imyself have been guilty of it
too where I have an expectationin my head on what this person
is and I'm just so like ah,starstruck about this person and
(01:29):
then I just more or less endedup staying in that infatuation
phase longer than I ever wantedto be and it ended up.
You know, it's kind of turningout to be not what I wanted to
be for my life goals, therelationship I want, the partner
I wanted, but for whateverreason, I just was just stuck on
just being infatuated versusactually loving that person.
Meghan (01:50):
Makes sense.
How about getting out?
For me it was a pretty badrelationship and for me it felt
almost like a trapped animaljust needed to get out.
I was really scared and nervous, but I think a big reason why
it took longer was because I hadlost sight of the truth.
(02:12):
I was told so many lies thatthe world was almost spinning.
I couldn't tell what wasreality, and not because there
were so many lies, and so itreally took a lot of support
from my friends and my family ofme asking certain questions,
and some of them were pretty rawquestions and, honestly, almost
(02:34):
embarrassing.
I'm like, hey, am I missingsomething?
Is this the truth?
And they're like no, Megan,this is a lie.
And really helping me to seethat landscape of what I was
faced with and that's kind ofhow I started getting out was
getting some other perspectiveabout what was going on.
Brittany (02:54):
Yeah, and I can completely see how, like you,
I've fallen into that trapmyself, or others can, because
it's not you know so much whereit's that prominent.
It's kind of gradual over time.
You know, for example, like youknow, when you're in that
honeymoon phase they're sayingall the right things, all the
good things, you know it's fine.
(03:14):
But there comes a point whereyou're not going in the
direction you want to with therelationship.
And then you know, slowly youkind of find yourself isolating
yourself from your friends, likenot intentionally, and so then
you kind of find yourselfisolating yourself from your
friends like not intentionally,and so then you just start
believing what that person saysand then you kind of lose touch
more or less with who you wereand just become so infatuated in
that relationship and consumedin it that you have to pull
(03:37):
yourself out and really take alook at the overall picture,
which is it's really hard to do.
Especially, you know, like yousaid, you're trying to find, you
know what's true, what's nottrue, and to have those
conversations with you know,friends, you don't want to seem
like you're complaining aboutyour relationship but just to
like bounce off for a differentperspective.
I think is really hard, youknow as well.
Meghan (04:00):
I.
You know what resonated with me.
What you said is that itdoesn't happen overnight, right.
So so often we see these moviesthat take place over an hour
and a half, two hours, whereit's just this really bad
relationship, but they cram it.
This person's going to explodeoccasionally.
I have to allow for that, right, and really it was more.
(04:29):
Why are they exploding?
How are they changing theirbehavior?
Are they getting better, or arethey really not getting better
and getting worse, which waswhat the case was?
So I think sometimes we try tomake excuses, because
relationships are hard.
They're difficult, right.
So you want to make allowancesfor bad days, but are you making
(04:51):
allowances for bad days or areyou making allowances for bad
character?
Brittany (04:56):
Yeah, and I think one of the challenges I had to was
growing up is you know you havean expectation of how your
parents' relationship is,whether it's, you know, healthy
or not healthy.
You just emulate what you see.
So if you grow up in a nonhealthy relationship, for
example, you don't know that andthen you're just going to
emulate the type of relationshipyou know your parents had,
which is quote unquote normal toyou right?
(05:18):
Because who says it's you knowany different?
So then it continues on in yourlife and it really is hard to
break that chain cycle oftoxicity.
And you know, I have a coupleof friends that have just never
been in toxic relationships andnot you know, not that I wish
that upon anybody, but it's justsuch like.
What Like this is so normal, asat least I feel like as a
(05:41):
society, that people are inunhappy relationships, toxic
relationships, that you meetsomeone and they tell you about
their relationship, their life,and I'm just so just in awe that
they've never had that and Idon't know.
It's just crazy.
Meghan (05:56):
I absolutely agree.
I don't wish it on anyone, butof all of my very close friends
I don't know anyone who wasn'tin a toxic relationship and
that's sad and also part of whywe're doing this podcast is to
share our lessons learned, sohopefully you know people won't
continue making those mistakes.
Brittany (06:17):
Agreed.
I think for me some of thethings that helped me a lot was
just walking away from thatsituation and it sounds really
hard, but when I've had to breakup with someone in the past,
I've done a lot of innerreflection before that decision
was actually made andcommunicated with that person
that in my mind it was alreadymade, it was already set.
(06:38):
So when I did communicate thatto the other person, it's like
we're done I don't want to callyou, don't text me, I'm not
stalking you on social media, Idon't care if you're with
somebody else.
For me that helped a lotbecause I'm not still obsessing
about the relationship andfantasizing about what could
have been reflect, heal, what Icontributed to the relationship,
(07:05):
what that other personcontributed to the relationship
and how to not make those samemistakes going forward in a
different relationship.
Meghan (07:10):
I want to say something on that real quickly.
I think boundaries are soincredibly important and I think
that people are missing theidea of boundaries.
So with my relationship, therewas also kids involved, and so I
had to walk away from that too,and I specifically had to set
up boundaries with those kids,which was incredibly hard.
(07:30):
But it's really important whenyou think about the long term of
your life and yourrelationships and what's best
for everybody involved.
And you know, I've had so manyfolks tell me interactions with
in-laws or whoever that peopledon't have boundaries and don't
understand that you need to havethose to have healthy
(07:52):
relationships in the future, andso I think that's incredibly
important and you're talking alittle bit about that about
stalking them on family andsocial media, not texting them.
It's so important for yourfuture relationships that you
have those boundaries and youask not texting them.
It's so important for yourfuture relationships that you
have those boundaries and youask people to respect them, yeah
.
Brittany (08:10):
And I think it's really hard to just while we're
on the boundary topic, toestablish that when you're in a
toxic relationship.
Because, at least for me, I wascaught up in where I felt like
I was communicating that but itwasn't respected and it just
kind of snowballed intosomething else.
But when I got out of therelationship I was able to do a
lot more self-reflection, a lotof self-development.
(08:32):
I read a lot ofself-development books.
It sounds kind of corny, butwhatever I was, looking at all
different angles whether it wasspiritual books, just how to
improve myself overall, I wentto therapy a couple of times to
bounce it off.
A non-biased third party gotreally into working out
motivational videos.
(08:53):
So I kind of just pulleddifferent pieces from all those
different aspects to kind offind my new perspective and what
I wanted.
What about you?
Meghan (09:02):
For me.
I did a lot of journaling andif you were to like, look at the
notebook that I was journalingin, like it's, it looks I mean,
even worse than like athree-year-old writing Like it
would there's some scribblescrabble on it.
You can't even read it, but forme it was the idea of I'm
putting it on the paper and soit's there.
(09:23):
I'm not keeping it in my head,I'm not mentally spinning and
thinking about it, I've put itsomewhere else and I don't have
to deal with it.
I also took a year off, so Imostly stayed in the house.
I had to minimize a lot of myinteractions, I had to say no, a
lot.
And what was really importantwith that as well was really
setting aside guilt, making surethat I didn't chastise myself
(09:46):
for not, you know, going out ornot doing this or you know, oh,
you took, you know, five napsthis week, right, I needed to do
that, and if I was going to,you know, make myself feel
guilty for that stuff.
That's going to defeat thepurpose, right.
So, you know, if you want touse the term self-care, you can,
but I really just kind of tooka year off of quote, unquote,
(10:09):
public, to kind of work throughall of this.
Brittany (10:13):
You know, once you kind of remove everything else,
you can kind of focus onyourself and reprioritize what's
important to you.
I think what helped me becauseI had the same situation where I
was carrying a lot of guilt,but it wasn't necessarily
towards myself, it was thisperson was in a bad situation
and I felt guilty that Icouldn't help them.
(10:34):
But at the same time, once Istepped away from everything, I
was able to look back and sayit's not my responsibility to
help them.
They're XYZ age, I'm not theirmom, I'm their partner.
I can't fix them.
I can support them, I can givethem the tools, I can show them
the resources, but it's up tothem if they want to make that
(10:56):
change.
So what I did, after I kind ofwent through my whole stepping
aside year off too, was justwriting a letter to that person.
I never bailed it to them, butjust, you know foreclosure,
because I knew I was never goingto get an apology, I was never
going to get a sorry, I wasgoing to be blamed for
everything.
And that really like allowed meto let go, like kind of once
(11:16):
and for all, and get rid of allthat guilt of.
You know, it's not my fault.
This is how I felt in thissituation.
This is how I felt.
You know what you did to me.
I don't think it's okay and youknow like, I kind of wish you
the best, and it's just time forus to go our separate ways.
Meghan (11:32):
That really hit me in the heart, that you know, you
knowing that you're not going toever get apology and always be
blamed for that situation.
I had never really thoughtabout that.
That's so accurate for me anddefinitely something I'm
thinking about right now.
And you know we talked about,you know, me taking a year off
and you talked about thatself-reflection.
(11:53):
You know, I think, no matterthe relationship, whether you're
dealing with something that'stoxic or not, right that
self-reflection is so important.
And you know, even in thisconversation I'm having some
moments of self-reflection.
But you know, in allrelationships there's the
contribution of two people, andso really being able to say what
you do differently, what youneed to learn from that's just
(12:16):
such a great practice ofself-awareness and improving
yourself for the future.
You know, even if you were in atoxic relationship, you know
you still have pieces that youcontributed to that relationship
.
Whether you allow that behaviorto happen to you.
It's really hard pill toswallow and I've had to swallow
(12:37):
it, but there are things that Iallowed, and so if you know what
would happen if I changed thatcourse and said, no, this is not
allowed, I won't accept this.
This doesn't work for me, youknow.
And so now I know that and Icommunicate my needs much
earlier and much more stronglyup front, and people have really
reacted well to them.
So you know, even in those badrelationships, you can improve
(13:02):
as well.
So that reflection is just keyfor me.
Brittany (13:06):
Yeah, and I think you bring up a good point too, is
how people respond to it.
Once you're able to communicate.
That I feel you know kind ofgenerally as a society, a lot of
the breakdown on, you know,conflicts and stuff is really
just a lack of communication andlack of understanding what the
other person needs.
And you know we're not maybenecessarily the best at
communicating sometimes what weneed.
(13:27):
But when you see thatrelationship I've had it in you
know work situations where clearcut boundaries here they are, I
can do this and this and thisfor you and then the other
person.
It's more of a conversationrather than, you know, an
argument or something else.
But it feels really good.
You know, once you get to thatpoint and you're able to, you
know, nope, this is my boundary,here it is, and stand firm, and
(13:49):
you feel so much better.
I feel like overall as a person.
And you're not, you know, maybeup at night, you know sleepless
nights, kind of mulling thingsaround in your head.
Meghan (14:00):
Well, I think those are all really good practices, but
would you say you're fullyhealed?
Brittany (14:09):
Yes and no.
I think I have, you know, a lotof areas that I could improve
on, but I think the road toself-development is, you know,
it's kind of always underconstruction and life, I feel,
has a funny way of throwing thesame lesson at you until you get
it.
Meghan (14:28):
I'm laughing because I must be like thick-headed,
because I keep getting the samelesson.
Brittany (14:35):
I've had moments where I've gotten like probably three
back to back and I'm just like,why am I getting this?
And then I take a step back andI'm like, oh hello, you didn't
learn it the first time or thesecond time.
We just, you know, reinforcethis.
But to answer the question, Ifeel like there are areas for me
to improve on, but I have, youknow, a better understanding of
(15:00):
the other person that I'm withand my personal boundaries.
Better understanding of theother person that I'm with and
my personal boundaries, and I'mable to communicate that in a
relationship.
And I have an expectation forthe relationship I want.
And having that conversationearly on with my current partner
has been just leaps and boundsas far as how we've progressed.
What about you?
Meghan (15:20):
I'll say this, and I hate to use the word trigger,
but there are still some thingsthat do.
However, that said, I've doneenough healing that I don't take
them out on others.
So an example of this is I hada friend and she needed some
support and I was talking withher about trust issues with her
relationship.
That's what was going on withher, and at the time this
(15:42):
happened, I was newly dating myboyfriend and I just started
spiraling out of control withtrust with him.
However, I took a breath and Irealized that the trust issues
my friend was talking about wasreally triggering my past and
not my present, and so I reallyneeded to trust my current
boyfriend, not apply my past tohim.
So for me, this is whatemotional intelligence is You're
(16:05):
starting to hear this termquite a bit in the corporate
world as an important leadershipskill, but realizing, hey, this
happened in the past, I don'tneed to take it out on my
current person or the future andknowing where your boundaries
are, and just being really awareof them.
Where your boundaries are, andjust being really aware of them
(16:26):
why are we laughing?
Brittany (16:28):
I laugh because I know the triggers of the past, like
they just come out of nowhere.
And you know it's a little bitdifferent when I feel like it's
emotional toxicity or maybeemotional abuse whatever you
want to label it as versus.
You know either physical orsomething you know happen.
For example, like if you're ayoung kid you get attacked by a
(16:49):
dog and now you're scared ofdogs.
So when you see a dog you getfrightened, right, that's more
of a physical altercation.
That more or less happened.
But when it's emotional, it'snot necessarily always present
and you may not identify itunless you're consciously aware
and more or less looking out forit.
On how you can, you know,respond better to that.
So I just laugh because I'vealways been super reactive.
(17:13):
It's just my nature and thatwas just such a hard lesson to
learn for me.
Meghan (17:18):
Well, you know and it's kind of interesting because I'm
even still realizing it nowright, so I've been dating, you
know, dating this guy for over ayear now and he really loves
watching sports and so I'll hearhim cheering on a team.
He's screaming and yelling atthe TV, but it's cheering on a
team, right.
But the first few times he hasbeen doing it, I kind of tense
(17:40):
up and I'm like, oh, what'shappening.
Or I hear something slam and Istart tensing up and I'm like,
oh, what's happening.
Or I hear something slam and Istart, you know, tensing up.
I'm like, oh, what's gettingthrown?
And that's not what's happening.
Right, the door just closedloudly.
Or he's not screaming andyelling at the TV, he's cheering
on his team and is superexcited.
But that loud noise wassomething really negative in my
(18:00):
past, and so it's taken a littlebit to overcome that and be
like, okay, we're just, we'rejust cheering on a team, that's
okay.
Brittany (18:09):
So I'm glad we can laugh about it now.
Meghan (18:12):
Yeah, and you know I'm still learning it, right, cause
that all that happened justrecently, you know, and I'm like
, okay, I don't, I don't need tofreak out, we're just having
fun.
So anyways, brittany, what doyou do when something comes up
that triggers fast pain?
Brittany (18:31):
I generally just like to walk away from it because I
feel initially, just by nature Ineed to react immediately to it
and, depending on the settingI'm in, that's not necessarily
always an appropriate response.
My life is not a physicalthreat, I'm not being threatened
, so I'm really just you know.
(18:51):
You know someone punches you inthe face, your reaction is to
punch back.
That's, it's just innate in mynature to do so.
Yeah, I just walk away, calmmyself down mentally and kind of
talk myself off a ledge andthen sit there and analyze the
situation on.
This person says something thatmade me upset.
Did they really say somethingto make me upset?
(19:14):
Am I interpreting it that way?
Or are they projecting somefeeling onto me that they're
unhappy with their life?
So I just think taking thatmoment to pause, walk away, has
really helped and justrecognizing that moment to walk
away has been extremelydifficult for me to do but has
been extremely beneficial in thelong run.
Meghan (19:35):
That's good, I think, for me, just having really good
dialogue with my current partnerabout why a certain situation
bothered me and why I don't likeit.
You know, I had to break itdown and it took a minute
because I was like, hey, that'snever happened again, I'm not
okay with that.
(19:55):
And he asked why and I kind ofsaid something, but then I slept
on it and the next day I wasable to really clearly
communicate why it bothered meand why I wasn't okay with it
and he said 100% agree with you.
And so we were able to justreally have a good dialogue
about it.
But for me it did take kind ofyou you walked away, I needed to
sleep on it.
That's kind of my processing.
Brittany (20:15):
Yeah, I think that's really important too, because
once you are able to have aneffective conversation and a
calm environment, it reallybuilds a strong foundation of
trust between two people andthat just enhances the
relationship further down theroad versus.
You know, oh, I don't like whatyou did, so we're just going to
yell at each other back andforth and cause a scene in
public and then just say fuckyou and like, get on with our
(20:36):
day.
Like, who does that?
Meghan (20:38):
We're going to have to edit that portion of what she
just said portion of what shejust said.
Brittany (20:51):
So what are some things that you do actively in
your everyday life toincorporate healing and making
sure you stay in that positivequote.
Unquote mindset.
Meghan (20:56):
So active healing for me has come in the form of
validation of my own feelings,really being respected and heard
.
I mean crazy the idea that Iwant to be respected and heard.
Big hurdles to be with Meganright, but for instance, in the
past anything I said was shutdown or it was turned around on
me, so gaslighting in the truestform.
(21:17):
But since then I've actuallyhad people listen to me validate
my feelings, Prior to mycurrent boyfriend.
Anytime I would bring somethingup, I would get shut down right
.
So that started becoming a redflag to a potential relationship
and that in itself is a sign ofhealing, because I was seeing
those as red flags versus beingin the situation and it being my
(21:42):
fault.
So you know, knowing that Ihave healed because I am
recognizing that difference.
Brittany (21:51):
Yeah, and I think being in the toxic relationship
is you just get used to thatbehavior.
It just becomes your new normal.
So check out our previousepisode of the red flag, green
flag it's a drinking game.
Yeah, we go into that.
Meghan (22:05):
So before you get into a relationship, make sure you
watch that podcast, becauseyou'll get some good nuggets
from us.
Lots of drinking, but, brittany, how do you incorporate healing
into your life?
Brittany (22:20):
I think you mentioned it earlier but just the
non-validation of your feelings.
It starts to wear down on yourself-confidence.
So a lot of what I do is a lotof motivational videos and
affirmations.
I have a door that's a glassdoor, so I write my affirmations
up, you know, maybe once aquarter.
But I go and read them becauseyou know you don't think you're
(22:42):
good enough.
You don't feel good enough.
You feel like everything you'vetried when you're in that
relationship you just feel likethe worst person ever.
And to build yourself-confidence back up to that
level is really hard.
But it's nice just to have areminder like I am good, I am
worthy, I'm great at thesethings, and just to see it
written out.
That helps me a lot.
Meghan (23:03):
I agree, that was completely my experience as well
, particularly aboutself-confidence and having to
rebuild that.
This is the silliest example,but everybody, I tell really
likes it.
So the password to my computerchanges every 90 days.
Sometimes I feel like it's 60days, you have to change it,
right, but I always have thatpassword.
60 days you have to change it,right, but I always have that
(23:27):
password.
Whatever I want to focus on soright now it's exercise and diet
right, Because I'm trying toeat a little bit healthier.
And so every day, probably 50times, I have to type in the
password, right, and so I'mthinking about that and it's
helping me make better choicesand decisions.
And so if you're rebuildingyour self-confidence, maybe your
computer password is justsomething that uplifts you, that
means something to you, andyou're typing it 50 times a day
(23:49):
right, it's so silly, but itworks.
I've been doing this for yearsand I always have a different
focus and usually by the end ofthat password time and I have to
switch to the new one, I'm like, oh, I actually did what I've
been typing the last 90 days.
So silly, but I recommend it.
Brittany (24:09):
I actually really like that idea.
I haven't thought of changingmy password to that, but you're
just so subconsciously typing itin that it just gets ingrained
in you.
Meghan (24:19):
Yeah, I'm doing subconscious messages to myself.
That's basically what it is.
Subconscious messages to myself, that's basically what it is,
hey whatever works.
Brittany (24:26):
Yes, I like that, so I think we're ready to close this
podcast out.
But just now, if you're in atoxic relationship, I think
probably one of the key thingsis to get a support system.
You tend to get isolated frompeople that love you, care about
you, and those people canreally lift you up and bring you
back down to reality, and it'sto give you an honest
(24:46):
perspective.
Meghan (24:47):
I think that's good.
We'd also like to hear from you, so please email us.
We can answer questions fromour own experience and we can
also address them in a futurepodcast.
Brittany (24:59):
This one was a heavy one.
I think we should do someself-care drinks.
Are you down?
Today's podcast topic is healing yourself, so we're
going to go into you know howyou get out of a you know little
rough patch, some tips forcontinuing that on, and you know
just how we dealt with a coupleof situations throughout our
life.
So, warning, calm your tits.
No offense will be taken here.
So grab your favorite drink,burn your bra and have a good
(00:33):
time.
Meghan (00:35):
All right, let's start with how do you get into them?
And then, really, how do youget out?
For me there's a lot of falsepositives, so he wasn't really
who he said he was.
He was kind of just putting onand then ultimately started
getting worse over time.
And then I think also I waswaiting for Mr Right for so long
(00:59):
that I did lie to myself alittle bit as well.
How about you, brittany?
Brittany (01:05):
Yeah, I think that always kind of is the case when
you meet somebody and you're ina relationship or you're
thinking about getting in arelationship with someone.
You're so caught up in thehoneymoon phase and it's really
the infatuation phase because Imyself have been guilty of it
too where I have an expectationin my head on what this person
is and I'm just so like ah,starstruck about this person and
(01:29):
then I just more or less endedup staying in that infatuation
phase longer than I ever wantedto be and it ended up.
You know, it's kind of turningout to be not what I wanted to
be for my life goals, therelationship I want, the partner
I wanted, but for whateverreason, I just was just stuck on
just being infatuated versusactually loving that person.
Meghan (01:50):
Makes sense.
How about getting out?
For me it was a pretty badrelationship and for me it felt
almost like a trapped animaljust needed to get out.
I was really scared and nervous, but I think a big reason why
it took longer was because I hadlost sight of the truth.
(02:12):
I was told so many lies thatthe world was almost spinning.
I couldn't tell what wasreality, and not because there
were so many lies, and so itreally took a lot of support
from my friends and my family ofme asking certain questions,
and some of them were pretty rawquestions and, honestly, almost
(02:34):
embarrassing.
I'm like, hey, am I missingsomething?
Is this the truth?
And they're like no, Megan,this is a lie.
And really helping me to seethat landscape of what I was
faced with and that's kind ofhow I started getting out was
getting some other perspectiveabout what was going on.
Brittany (02:54):
Yeah, and I can completely see how, like you,
I've fallen into that trapmyself, or others can, because
it's not you know so much whereit's that prominent.
It's kind of gradual over time.
You know, for example, like youknow, when you're in that
honeymoon phase they're sayingall the right things, all the
good things, you know it's fine.
(03:14):
But there comes a point whereyou're not going in the
direction you want to with therelationship.
And then you know, slowly youkind of find yourself isolating
yourself from your friends, likenot intentionally, and so then
you kind of find yourselfisolating yourself from your
friends like not intentionally,and so then you just start
believing what that person saysand then you kind of lose touch
more or less with who you wereand just become so infatuated in
that relationship and consumedin it that you have to pull
(03:37):
yourself out and really take alook at the overall picture,
which is it's really hard to do.
Especially, you know, like yousaid, you're trying to find, you
know what's true, what's nottrue, and to have those
conversations with you know,friends, you don't want to seem
like you're complaining aboutyour relationship but just to
like bounce off for a differentperspective.
I think is really hard, youknow as well.
Meghan (04:00):
I.
You know what resonated with me.
What you said is that itdoesn't happen overnight, right.
So so often we see these moviesthat take place over an hour
and a half, two hours, whereit's just this really bad
relationship, but they cram it.
This person's going to explodeoccasionally.
I have to allow for that, right, and really it was more.
(04:29):
Why are they exploding?
How are they changing theirbehavior?
Are they getting better, or arethey really not getting better
and getting worse, which waswhat the case was?
So I think sometimes we try tomake excuses, because
relationships are hard.
They're difficult, right.
So you want to make allowancesfor bad days, but are you making
(04:51):
allowances for bad days or areyou making allowances for bad
character?
Brittany (04:56):
Yeah, and I think one of the challenges I had to was
growing up is you know you havean expectation of how your
parents' relationship is,whether it's, you know, healthy
or not healthy.
You just emulate what you see.
So if you grow up in a nonhealthy relationship, for
example, you don't know that andthen you're just going to
emulate the type of relationshipyou know your parents had,
which is quote unquote normal toyou right?
(05:18):
Because who says it's you knowany different?
So then it continues on in yourlife and it really is hard to
break that chain cycle oftoxicity.
And you know, I have a coupleof friends that have just never
been in toxic relationships andnot you know, not that I wish
that upon anybody, but it's justsuch like.
What Like this is so normal, asat least I feel like as a
(05:41):
society, that people are inunhappy relationships, toxic
relationships, that you meetsomeone and they tell you about
their relationship, their life,and I'm just so just in awe that
they've never had that and Idon't know.
It's just crazy.
Meghan (05:56):
I absolutely agree.
I don't wish it on anyone, butof all of my very close friends
I don't know anyone who wasn'tin a toxic relationship and
that's sad and also part of whywe're doing this podcast is to
share our lessons learned, sohopefully you know people won't
continue making those mistakes.
Brittany (06:17):
Agreed.
I think for me some of thethings that helped me a lot was
just walking away from thatsituation and it sounds really
hard, but when I've had to breakup with someone in the past,
I've done a lot of innerreflection before that decision
was actually made andcommunicated with that person
that in my mind it was alreadymade, it was already set.
(06:38):
So when I did communicate thatto the other person, it's like
we're done I don't want to callyou, don't text me, I'm not
stalking you on social media, Idon't care if you're with
somebody else.
For me that helped a lotbecause I'm not still obsessing
about the relationship andfantasizing about what could
have been reflect, heal, what Icontributed to the relationship,
(07:05):
what that other personcontributed to the relationship
and how to not make those samemistakes going forward in a
different relationship.
Meghan (07:10):
I want to say something on that real quickly.
I think boundaries are soincredibly important and I think
that people are missing theidea of boundaries.
So with my relationship, therewas also kids involved, and so I
had to walk away from that too,and I specifically had to set
up boundaries with those kids,which was incredibly hard.
(07:30):
But it's really important whenyou think about the long term of
your life and yourrelationships and what's best
for everybody involved.
And you know, I've had so manyfolks tell me interactions with
in-laws or whoever that peopledon't have boundaries and don't
understand that you need to havethose to have healthy
(07:52):
relationships in the future, andso I think that's incredibly
important and you're talking alittle bit about that about
stalking them on family andsocial media, not texting them.
It's so important for yourfuture relationships that you
have those boundaries and youask not texting them.
It's so important for yourfuture relationships that you
have those boundaries and youask people to respect them, yeah
.
Brittany (08:10):
And I think it's really hard to just while we're
on the boundary topic, toestablish that when you're in a
toxic relationship.
Because, at least for me, I wascaught up in where I felt like
I was communicating that but itwasn't respected and it just
kind of snowballed intosomething else.
But when I got out of therelationship I was able to do a
lot more self-reflection, a lotof self-development.
(08:32):
I read a lot ofself-development books.
It sounds kind of corny, butwhatever I was, looking at all
different angles whether it wasspiritual books, just how to
improve myself overall, I wentto therapy a couple of times to
bounce it off.
A non-biased third party gotreally into working out
motivational videos.
(08:53):
So I kind of just pulleddifferent pieces from all those
different aspects to kind offind my new perspective and what
I wanted.
What about you?
Meghan (09:02):
For me.
I did a lot of journaling andif you were to like, look at the
notebook that I was journalingin, like it's, it looks I mean,
even worse than like athree-year-old writing Like it
would there's some scribblescrabble on it.
You can't even read it, but forme it was the idea of I'm
putting it on the paper and soit's there.
(09:23):
I'm not keeping it in my head,I'm not mentally spinning and
thinking about it, I've put itsomewhere else and I don't have
to deal with it.
I also took a year off, so Imostly stayed in the house.
I had to minimize a lot of myinteractions, I had to say no, a
lot.
And what was really importantwith that as well was really
setting aside guilt, making surethat I didn't chastise myself
(09:46):
for not, you know, going out ornot doing this or you know, oh,
you took, you know, five napsthis week, right, I needed to do
that, and if I was going to,you know, make myself feel
guilty for that stuff.
That's going to defeat thepurpose, right.
So, you know, if you want touse the term self-care, you can,
but I really just kind of tooka year off of quote, unquote,
(10:09):
public, to kind of work throughall of this.
Brittany (10:13):
You know, once you kind of remove everything else,
you can kind of focus onyourself and reprioritize what's
important to you.
I think what helped me becauseI had the same situation where I
was carrying a lot of guilt,but it wasn't necessarily
towards myself, it was thisperson was in a bad situation
and I felt guilty that Icouldn't help them.
(10:34):
But at the same time, once Istepped away from everything, I
was able to look back and sayit's not my responsibility to
help them.
They're XYZ age, I'm not theirmom, I'm their partner.
I can't fix them.
I can support them, I can givethem the tools, I can show them
the resources, but it's up tothem if they want to make that
(10:56):
change.
So what I did, after I kind ofwent through my whole stepping
aside year off too, was justwriting a letter to that person.
I never bailed it to them, butjust, you know foreclosure,
because I knew I was never goingto get an apology, I was never
going to get a sorry, I wasgoing to be blamed for
everything.
And that really like allowed meto let go, like kind of once
(11:16):
and for all, and get rid of allthat guilt of.
You know, it's not my fault.
This is how I felt in thissituation.
This is how I felt.
You know what you did to me.
I don't think it's okay and youknow like, I kind of wish you
the best, and it's just time forus to go our separate ways.
Meghan (11:32):
That really hit me in the heart, that you know, you
knowing that you're not going toever get apology and always be
blamed for that situation.
I had never really thoughtabout that.
That's so accurate for me anddefinitely something I'm
thinking about right now.
And you know we talked about,you know, me taking a year off
and you talked about thatself-reflection.
(11:53):
You know, I think, no matterthe relationship, whether you're
dealing with something that'stoxic or not, right that
self-reflection is so important.
And you know, even in thisconversation I'm having some
moments of self-reflection.
But you know, in allrelationships there's the
contribution of two people, andso really being able to say what
you do differently, what youneed to learn from that's just
(12:16):
such a great practice ofself-awareness and improving
yourself for the future.
You know, even if you were in atoxic relationship, you know
you still have pieces that youcontributed to that relationship
.
Whether you allow that behaviorto happen to you.
It's really hard pill toswallow and I've had to swallow
(12:37):
it, but there are things that Iallowed, and so if you know what
would happen if I changed thatcourse and said, no, this is not
allowed, I won't accept this.
This doesn't work for me, youknow.
And so now I know that and Icommunicate my needs much
earlier and much more stronglyup front, and people have really
reacted well to them.
So you know, even in those badrelationships, you can improve
(13:02):
as well.
So that reflection is just keyfor me.
Brittany (13:06):
Yeah, and I think you bring up a good point too, is
how people respond to it.
Once you're able to communicate.
That I feel you know kind ofgenerally as a society, a lot of
the breakdown on, you know,conflicts and stuff is really
just a lack of communication andlack of understanding what the
other person needs.
And you know we're not maybenecessarily the best at
communicating sometimes what weneed.
(13:27):
But when you see thatrelationship I've had it in you
know work situations where clearcut boundaries here they are, I
can do this and this and thisfor you and then the other
person.
It's more of a conversationrather than, you know, an
argument or something else.
But it feels really good.
You know, once you get to thatpoint and you're able to, you
know, nope, this is my boundary,here it is, and stand firm, and
(13:49):
you feel so much better.
I feel like overall as a person.
And you're not, you know, maybeup at night, you know sleepless
nights, kind of mulling thingsaround in your head.
Meghan (14:00):
Well, I think those are all really good practices, but
would you say you're fullyhealed?
Brittany (14:09):
Yes and no.
I think I have, you know, a lotof areas that I could improve
on, but I think the road toself-development is, you know,
it's kind of always underconstruction and life, I feel,
has a funny way of throwing thesame lesson at you until you get
it.
Meghan (14:28):
I'm laughing because I must be like thick-headed,
because I keep getting the samelesson.
Brittany (14:35):
I've had moments where I've gotten like probably three
back to back and I'm just like,why am I getting this?
And then I take a step back andI'm like, oh hello, you didn't
learn it the first time or thesecond time.
We just, you know, reinforcethis.
But to answer the question, Ifeel like there are areas for me
to improve on, but I have, youknow, a better understanding of
(15:00):
the other person that I'm withand my personal boundaries.
Better understanding of theother person that I'm with and
my personal boundaries, and I'mable to communicate that in a
relationship.
And I have an expectation forthe relationship I want.
And having that conversationearly on with my current partner
has been just leaps and boundsas far as how we've progressed.
What about you?
Meghan (15:20):
I'll say this, and I hate to use the word trigger,
but there are still some thingsthat do.
However, that said, I've doneenough healing that I don't take
them out on others.
So an example of this is I hada friend and she needed some
support and I was talking withher about trust issues with her
relationship.
That's what was going on withher, and at the time this
(15:42):
happened, I was newly dating myboyfriend and I just started
spiraling out of control withtrust with him.
However, I took a breath and Irealized that the trust issues
my friend was talking about wasreally triggering my past and
not my present, and so I reallyneeded to trust my current
boyfriend, not apply my past tohim.
So for me, this is whatemotional intelligence is You're
(16:05):
starting to hear this termquite a bit in the corporate
world as an important leadershipskill, but realizing, hey, this
happened in the past, I don'tneed to take it out on my
current person or the future andknowing where your boundaries
are, and just being really awareof them.
Where your boundaries are, andjust being really aware of them
(16:26):
why are we laughing?
Brittany (16:28):
I laugh because I know the triggers of the past, like
they just come out of nowhere.
And you know it's a little bitdifferent when I feel like it's
emotional toxicity or maybeemotional abuse whatever you
want to label it as versus.
You know either physical orsomething you know happen.
For example, like if you're ayoung kid you get attacked by a
(16:49):
dog and now you're scared ofdogs.
So when you see a dog you getfrightened, right, that's more
of a physical altercation.
That more or less happened.
But when it's emotional, it'snot necessarily always present
and you may not identify itunless you're consciously aware
and more or less looking out forit.
On how you can, you know,respond better to that.
So I just laugh because I'vealways been super reactive.
(17:13):
It's just my nature and thatwas just such a hard lesson to
learn for me.
Meghan (17:18):
Well, you know and it's kind of interesting because I'm
even still realizing it nowright, so I've been dating, you
know, dating this guy for over ayear now and he really loves
watching sports and so I'll hearhim cheering on a team.
He's screaming and yelling atthe TV, but it's cheering on a
team, right.
But the first few times he hasbeen doing it, I kind of tense
(17:40):
up and I'm like, oh, what'shappening.
Or I hear something slam and Istart tensing up and I'm like,
oh, what's happening.
Or I hear something slam and Istart, you know, tensing up.
I'm like, oh, what's gettingthrown?
And that's not what's happening.
Right, the door just closedloudly.
Or he's not screaming andyelling at the TV, he's cheering
on his team and is superexcited.
But that loud noise wassomething really negative in my
(18:00):
past, and so it's taken a littlebit to overcome that and be
like, okay, we're just, we'rejust cheering on a team, that's
okay.
Brittany (18:09):
So I'm glad we can laugh about it now.
Meghan (18:12):
Yeah, and you know I'm still learning it, right, cause
that all that happened justrecently, you know, and I'm like
, okay, I don't, I don't need tofreak out, we're just having
fun.
So anyways, brittany, what doyou do when something comes up
that triggers fast pain?
Brittany (18:31):
I generally just like to walk away from it because I
feel initially, just by nature Ineed to react immediately to it
and, depending on the settingI'm in, that's not necessarily
always an appropriate response.
My life is not a physicalthreat, I'm not being threatened
, so I'm really just you know.
(18:51):
You know someone punches you inthe face, your reaction is to
punch back.
That's, it's just innate in mynature to do so.
Yeah, I just walk away, calmmyself down mentally and kind of
talk myself off a ledge andthen sit there and analyze the
situation on.
This person says something thatmade me upset.
Did they really say somethingto make me upset?
(19:14):
Am I interpreting it that way?
Or are they projecting somefeeling onto me that they're
unhappy with their life?
So I just think taking thatmoment to pause, walk away, has
really helped and justrecognizing that moment to walk
away has been extremelydifficult for me to do but has
been extremely beneficial in thelong run.
Meghan (19:35):
That's good, I think, for me, just having really good
dialogue with my current partnerabout why a certain situation
bothered me and why I don't likeit.
You know, I had to break itdown and it took a minute
because I was like, hey, that'snever happened again, I'm not
okay with that.
(19:55):
And he asked why and I kind ofsaid something, but then I slept
on it and the next day I wasable to really clearly
communicate why it bothered meand why I wasn't okay with it
and he said 100% agree with you.
And so we were able to justreally have a good dialogue
about it.
But for me it did take kind ofyou you walked away, I needed to
sleep on it.
That's kind of my processing.
Brittany (20:15):
Yeah, I think that's really important too, because
once you are able to have aneffective conversation and a
calm environment, it reallybuilds a strong foundation of
trust between two people andthat just enhances the
relationship further down theroad versus.
You know, oh, I don't like whatyou did, so we're just going to
yell at each other back andforth and cause a scene in
public and then just say fuckyou and like, get on with our
(20:36):
day.
Like, who does that?
Meghan (20:38):
We're going to have to edit that portion of what she
just said portion of what shejust said.
Brittany (20:51):
So what are some things that you do actively in
your everyday life toincorporate healing and making
sure you stay in that positivequote.
Unquote mindset.
Meghan (20:56):
So active healing for me has come in the form of
validation of my own feelings,really being respected and heard
.
I mean crazy the idea that Iwant to be respected and heard.
Big hurdles to be with Meganright, but for instance, in the
past anything I said was shutdown or it was turned around on
me, so gaslighting in the truestform.
(21:17):
But since then I've actuallyhad people listen to me validate
my feelings, Prior to mycurrent boyfriend.
Anytime I would bring somethingup, I would get shut down right
.
So that started becoming a redflag to a potential relationship
and that in itself is a sign ofhealing, because I was seeing
those as red flags versus beingin the situation and it being my
(21:42):
fault.
So you know, knowing that Ihave healed because I am
recognizing that difference.
Brittany (21:51):
Yeah, and I think being in the toxic relationship
is you just get used to thatbehavior.
It just becomes your new normal.
So check out our previousepisode of the red flag, green
flag it's a drinking game.
Yeah, we go into that.
Meghan (22:05):
So before you get into a relationship, make sure you
watch that podcast, becauseyou'll get some good nuggets
from us.
Lots of drinking, but, brittany, how do you incorporate healing
into your life?
Brittany (22:20):
I think you mentioned it earlier but just the
non-validation of your feelings.
It starts to wear down on yourself-confidence.
So a lot of what I do is a lotof motivational videos and
affirmations.
I have a door that's a glassdoor, so I write my affirmations
up, you know, maybe once aquarter.
But I go and read them becauseyou know you don't think you're
(22:42):
good enough.
You don't feel good enough.
You feel like everything you'vetried when you're in that
relationship you just feel likethe worst person ever.
And to build yourself-confidence back up to that
level is really hard.
But it's nice just to have areminder like I am good, I am
worthy, I'm great at thesethings, and just to see it
written out.
That helps me a lot.
Meghan (23:03):
I agree, that was completely my experience as well
, particularly aboutself-confidence and having to
rebuild that.
This is the silliest example,but everybody, I tell really
likes it.
So the password to my computerchanges every 90 days.
Sometimes I feel like it's 60days, you have to change it,
right, but I always have thatpassword.
60 days you have to change it,right, but I always have that
(23:27):
password.
Whatever I want to focus on soright now it's exercise and diet
right, Because I'm trying toeat a little bit healthier.
And so every day, probably 50times, I have to type in the
password, right, and so I'mthinking about that and it's
helping me make better choicesand decisions.
And so if you're rebuildingyour self-confidence, maybe your
computer password is justsomething that uplifts you, that
means something to you, andyou're typing it 50 times a day
(23:49):
right, it's so silly, but itworks.
I've been doing this for yearsand I always have a different
focus and usually by the end ofthat password time and I have to
switch to the new one, I'm like, oh, I actually did what I've
been typing the last 90 days.
So silly, but I recommend it.
Brittany (24:09):
I actually really like that idea.
I haven't thought of changingmy password to that, but you're
just so subconsciously typing itin that it just gets ingrained
in you.
Meghan (24:19):
Yeah, I'm doing subconscious messages to myself.
That's basically what it is.
Subconscious messages to myself, that's basically what it is,
hey whatever works.
Brittany (24:26):
Yes, I like that, so I think we're ready to close this
podcast out.
But just now, if you're in atoxic relationship, I think
probably one of the key thingsis to get a support system.
You tend to get isolated frompeople that love you, care about
you, and those people canreally lift you up and bring you
back down to reality, and it'sto give you an honest
(24:46):
perspective.
Meghan (24:47):
I think that's good.
We'd also like to hear from you, so please email us.
We can answer questions fromour own experience and we can
also address them in a futurepodcast.
Brittany (24:59):
This one was a heavy one.
I think we should do someself-care drinks.
Are you down?
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