9. Toxic Positivity vs Realistic Positivity: Why It's OK To Not Be OK

It's okay not to be okay sometimes. And we need to work through those feelings, like human beings are supposed to do it is perfectly natural to experience something other than happiness, elation, or joy. 
Toxic positivity does not allow us to accept the reality surrounding us. It is impossible. It is virtually impossible to be positive minded all the time. 

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:05):
If you've suffered with fear, doubt, worry, or lack of
confidence in your life, then this podcast is for you.
In Fostering Success, Doctor Adam Starks, having risen himself from
the foster care system to the pinnacle of success in life,
shares his blueprint in this podcast and interviews inspiring individuals
from around the world. You'll be touched, moved, and motivated

(00:29):
by Adam and his guests so that you too can
foster your own success and catapult to the pinnacle of
success in any area of your life. Here's your host,
doctor Adam Starks.

Speaker 2 (00:46):
Hello, welcome to Fostering Success with your host, doctor Adam Starks.
Today we are talking about positivity, but positivity in the
right sense, not that toxic stuff. And let me just
get it out out of the way right now, all right,
Toxic positivity does not allow us to accept the reality

(01:08):
surrounding us. All right. It is impossible, it is virtually
impossible to be positive minded all the time. When something
goes wrong, we may feel sadness or anger and that's okay,
all right, it's okay not to be okay sometimes, and
we need to work through those feelings. Like human beings

(01:33):
are supposed to do. It is perfectly natural to experience
something other than happiness, elation, or joy. All right. Now,
when we talk about toxic positivity, let me give you
an example. All right. A child that is starving cannot

(01:56):
wish away his hunger. He cannot wish and a hamburger
will appear just by thinking positively. All right. He is
still hungry, his stomach hurts, all right, he may be
lightheaded and thinking about that. That's an extreme example. But

(02:18):
think about someone who suffers from anxiety, all right, due
to being in large crowds or any other situation. Or myself.
I am very open. I have no secrets to hide.
I suffer from depression. That's not something I can wish away,
all right. That is my reality, and I have to

(02:38):
deal with it, all right. Whether it's medication, whether it's meditation. Yeah,
and I never realized that, rhy. I'm now medication or meditation,
sometimes both, yoga, all right, those are the things that
work for me. And it took me a while to

(02:59):
process that. At first. I was in denial, all right,
and I downplayed the trauma that happened to me during
my formative years on my childhood, and it was necessary
for me to carry on in this adult life to
address that problem of depression head on. And now since

(03:21):
I've done that, I've been able to help other people
overcome certain situations, all because I was able to deal
with myself and deal with my issues and my shortcomings.
But I had to acknowledge them first. I couldn't just

(03:42):
think positively and magically all of that stuff was going
to disappear. Magically, all of the trauma in my past
was going to dissipate, and I was going to forget it.
Life doesn't work that way. So we have this big,
beautiful complex ray and pink matter in our skull, and

(04:02):
it allows us to think and fire neurons and be
creative and joyful and mad, you know, and overwhelmed and anxious,
all of these mixed feelings. And that is the gift
and the curse of being conscious. Right, So we can't

(04:23):
be positive all the time. Our brains just aren't going
to allow it. Unless you are in a house reading
a book. You have no bills to pay, you don't
have debts, whatever the case may be. And if you're
in that situation, you know, kudos to you. That is fantastic.
But most of us are not, and we are going

(04:44):
to have to deal with these issues head on. So
realistic positivity, all right. Now, I talked a little bit
about toxic positivity, right but I want you to know
right now, and I know I already said this, but

(05:05):
I'm going to say it again. It's okay to not
be okay, and you have to address to acknowledge those
feelings first and then address them, all right. And some
people address it by eating a whole pint of ice
cream or you know, going on a vacation or cuddling

(05:28):
with their loved one, whatever the case may be. If
it works for you, then congratulations, you found it. Not
everything can be solved with medication, all right. Not everything
can be solved by prayer or our yoga or whatever
other mechanism you use to relax. And yes, I know

(05:51):
drugs are out there too, but we're not that kind
of show. And so that's not something I'm going to
advocate for and something I would certainly never consider. However,
I certainly understand why people do. Now I will say
I do like my one or two glasses of wine

(06:13):
at night to mellow out, and you know, it allows
me to reflect on things and that's okay too. You know,
if you need a beer or wine or something like that,
you know what, sit back, enjoy it and savor the moment,
so to speak. Right, So, one of the things you know,

(06:35):
I always hear is positive vibes only, and that's fantastic.
You know, we don't want negativity in our space, right
if we can help it. But some people thrive on misery.
And again when we talk about choosing your tribe, these

(06:56):
people have to be outside of your circle, right. You
cannot allow that into your space if you are expecting
to grow and become successful in your own right and
whatever that may be. So that is part of the journey.
We cannot accept overly positive people who just want to
be positive all the time. But don't sit there and

(07:17):
let miserable people talk you out of whatever it is
you want to do or you want to achieve in
this life. Okay, you'll get people who will say things like, oh,
it could be worse, or you know, stop worrying so much,
you know, be grateful for what you have. Listen, I

(07:38):
have a beautiful family, a big house, cars that I
don't have to worry about income. I have it all,
So why do I still struggle with something like depression.
It goes much deeper than that. That's the underlying premise

(08:01):
of this entire episode is the range of human emotions
goes so much deeper than just being happy and joyful
all the time. Now happiness, happiness is a state of mind. Right,
I can look into my child's eyes and listen to

(08:24):
her reading, and all of a sudden, I'm happy. You know,
I'm happy in that moment, and I think of joyfulness
or joy as elation or you know, something that just
makes me laugh hysterically loud and just forget all of

(08:44):
the troubles in the world or in my life at
the moment, and I can just laugh. And so sometimes
for me, therapy is a stupid movie, old stupid movie,
Office Space or Half or Tommy Boy. I mean, the
list goes on and on. But you know, Coming to

(09:05):
America is another classic of mind. But whatever it takes,
Like I said, you know, binge watching things is the
way people deal with it to you know, turn their
brain off. But in moderation, you know, comedy helps, you know,
entertainment helps, and so that's another way to achieve a

(09:32):
thorough level of happiness, even if it's just for a
short period of time. But eventually you have to get
back to work. You have to get back to you know,
working a job you may not like, or back to
paying bills that, you know, something like student loans that
should have been paid off a long time ago. That
being said, how do we arrive at moments where we

(09:57):
can just think positively about our circumstances in life? All right?
It can't be Oh, you know, you just need to
be happy. You're so blessed and you're so fortunate, and
you know everything is going to be okay. And for

(10:18):
some people that gets them through life. But for those
listening to this episode, are you know, subscribed to my show,
Obviously there's more to it and you know that, and
you want to see how to get to the other side.
One of the ways I accepted positivity in my life
was just to love myself. And there's a book titled

(10:45):
Love by Leo Buscaglia, which will help you through that process.
And once I figured out how to love myself, I
could love others. I could be around others, I could
appreciate what I had accomplished in this lifetime. So I

(11:06):
don't want to drag this episode out too far. But
I just want you to think about self. Love is
where positivity comes into play. Don't be so hard on yourself,
all right. That self criticism is mainly what stops you
in your tracks, all right. You're allowed to be angry

(11:31):
if someone has wronged you, all right, or if a
situation didn't go your way. Take some self reflection, understand.
And you know some people will tell me when something
didn't work out, it just wasn't meant to be. That's
not always the case, Okay. If you want it, all right,

(11:58):
if you want to achieve it, then it was meant
to be. You start with the end in mind, all right,
and then you achieve it. You had a goal and
you thought positively about that goal and that's why you
went for it, right And if you didn't achieve it

(12:20):
the first time, try again. But your feelings, your emotions,
every single last one of them defaults and all are valid.
Remember what I said in the beginning episodes, You are valued,

(12:43):
you are worthy. Repeat that until you believe it until
next time. Thank you for listening to Fostering Success.

Speaker 1 (12:58):
So that's it for today's episode. Head on over to
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and pick up a free copy of Adam's Gift and

(13:20):
join us on the next episode.