Ep. 1 – Prologue & Chapter 1: Lighting the Match

In this episode, Sean introduces the audience to himself, and also begins to share the story he initially wrote to be a book. Content contains explicit language.

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
I

(00:30):
Hello there I was going to script something but I have to be real with you
I need to be as real as I possibly can because really I'm in a situation where I don't even really know who I am
I don't really
I'm kind of begging for some semblance of life here. I really have gone

(00:50):
There's so many things, you know that you know I've gone from realizing that what I lived before really shouldn't have been how I was living and
While I was doing great. I've completely
Collapsed at this point and there's a lot that there there's a lot to really dive into and I plan to do that with this podcast
It's called hoping the ashes

(01:11):
It's gonna be about all the things I've really come to realize and things that I try to think about and while I
Mean even to be honest right now trying to do this intro
I've been spending time after time after time trying to get it right because really the biggest problem is is I draw
Blank at times like I'm trying to I get on a good path and then I draw blank and

(01:33):
It's really it's just been really frustrating. But anyway
I
Really wanted to share with you that this is hoping the ashes
It's you know realizing that I can be that not just myself
But other people you know we we can all get through whatever we need to get through to get to the other side

(01:53):
You know I as much as I hope I'm not a babbling idiot to you. I'd like to believe that I have some semblance of
Of an idea, you know, I like I said I haven't done I've done podcasts before and really in reality
I haven't
Haven't done in a while. I haven't really spoken to and I've really been sheltered for a long time
You could I think I wrote it somewhere in the story that I'm about to tell but I

(02:17):
I really feel like I'm a child. They you know, I don't really know half the time if I'm what I'm doing
It's right or wrong if what I'm saying is right or wrong
I know at times I stutter at times. I repeat the same things five six seven eight times in a row
I know at times I I
Have a sense of what I want to say, but then it's just an orb of confusion afterwards

(02:39):
And you just don't even know what you want to say
So I'm you know, I'm left sitting here
Trying to hope that I'm gathering together some kind of an intro, you know
I don't want to shower you with all of my insecurities
But that's what I hope to get through with this podcast is to get through the things that I really want to
To show to the world that there is better out there

(03:02):
No, I thankfully and sadly suicide is something that's prevalent and you know, too many people
Decide to do that and thankfully for me. I've never really
Had that thought I've always believed there is better out there even right now when I'm practically
Inside shivering, but you know, I really want to showcase what it's like to be like this because I'm sure people are like this out there

(03:27):
There are people that are so sheltered and so
Whatever word I'm thinking of but you know, there are so many people out there that are in the same place as I am
I don't really know who they are what they're doing or you know
It's just
It's a lot to go through so what the story I'm about to tell was really

(03:47):
And I should kind of get into the point of you know, hoping the ashes was really
It's the idea of what I was I started trying to write what I've gone through and who I am right now as a book and
I really I had all this year
I was trying to to work on putting this book out there and trying to get my message across

(04:08):
But I really became again, it's sort of the fears of you know, what I may be
Or what I think other people if you know someone else in my life is trying to make me feel like I am
Um, I really became so insecure with that. I didn't even know if what I was writing was right
I didn't know if you know, I I I always could just picture even now

(04:30):
It's like you hear all these voices of people saying, you know, you're a piece of shit
You're this or that, you know, you talk weird you talk funny, you know, most people don't have such a empty sense of
confidence
No, every people walk around with some semblance of of who of knowing who they really are and and I don't have any of that

(04:51):
No, I really have completely shuttered to the point where I just
No, I don't even know who I am half the time
But really what the story is meant to be is is showcasing that what about amongst everything that I've done I
Can hopefully escape what I've been through and have a better life
I want to start a better life for myself

(05:12):
Now there's so many things that I need to get better on that I you know at times
They gets to be much and you just don't even give a shit anymore. She's like fuck it. Whatever it is what it is
But it's like you can't be that way and
really that's just the life I've lived and
And and I can't live that life anymore
With this podcast
I hope to really showcase the things that I really do think of my mind because for as much as I am in the sheltered state

(05:37):
There are things that I think about there are things that I know I should be doing
It's just a matter of actually gaining the effort to do it and and there's a lot that I talk about in here
And I just wanted to preface the fact too of you know, like I just said, you know, I really don't know
I don't have anybody in my life that has really been there to to help guide me, you know

(05:59):
Yeah, I do deal with you know an autism diagnosis. I have Asperger syndrome
I talk about in the beginning here and you'll hear later on in the in the episode, but I just
You know, I really don't even beside that fact. I just don't even this is just who I am
It's just who I am right now and it's not who I want to be
No, I want to be better than that and here I you know, and there's even a part of me is kind of hoping you can

(06:24):
See to who I really am and and hopefully you can get through this whole story
Let alone this episode
But it's just me, you know, you think oh, maybe he's got friends. He's got somebody. I don't have anybody
No, and
Maybe at some point I'll talk about it further
But you know as much as I'm here with my mom and my brother

(06:45):
you know, my mom have sort of my mom and I have a
Corgi'll really I would say a course a cordial relationship
I think we we get along but there's certain things deep down that really
Prevent me from having a more tightly knit relationship
So it really just feels like it's me on my own like as much as you'd want to think

(07:06):
Oh, I you know, he's probably got a friend or two or he's probably got somebody else and you know, I got somebody
He's got his brother. I don't have any of that. I don't feel like I have any of that
Well half of me wants to believe I choose myself to have it be that way
The other half of me argues that it's it's not that there's there's deeper things to go about so

(07:27):
It's a Hail Mary it is it's just me throwing myself out there because I know I need to get back out there
I can't be so sheltered. I've been doing it for so long really it's it's
Sometimes I fear it's a permanent hindrance of my life
But I hope I hope for that not to be the case. I want to be better than that
So what you're about to hear is the whole manuscript that I have written

(07:50):
I will have the manuscript ready for it
But it's basically the whole story that I wanted to write and share with people and I thought you know
I with the glory of podcasts is that you could create an
Audioscope in a sense that you know
it could really immerse you into the story of what I've gone through and
It's it presents something that of the writing just can't give you

(08:12):
You know at least in my eyes. I don't I feel like reading it
You don't get the same thing as you can have by telling it and it's a lot easier to share
Now some people don't like reading people would rather listen. It's all up the personal preference, I guess but
You know, this is my attempt again
Like I said, this is my attempt to to get out into the world and you know

(08:34):
I just really hope that you take something from this and and then really
Understand that there is better in this world and you know what I've been living through is not the way to live. I
Would even argue by definition. It really was a communist regime. I mean
We are all under one rule. We're all under one power
We all had to do whatever he said to do he being my father

(08:57):
Oh, and and we all lived under that we all had to believe what he believed and said what he said and did what he wanted to do and
You know, I think the biggest insecurity I have about it is is feeling like I'm not who I should be not just in his eyes
but in our collective world's eyes and
You know, and here I am again at 26 years old just sitting here with no money

(09:20):
Nothing, you know, all the people all the even all the kids I went to school with all the people I went to school with are out
living their lives married have a house, you know, have some kind of job and you know, here I am
Feeling like I'm living this life that I happen to be feels like I shouldn't be living and then I probably could just get out
There but then you have to me knows that there's there's other problems deep down

(09:41):
It's not normal. So instead of stalling any further
This is the story that I was trying to write and I'd like to share it with you and this is what all start the podcast and
It's it's about I wrote about 15. It's a prologue and then 15 chapters after it
I believe I remember correctly. I think it's a prologue and like 15 chapters afterwards

(10:03):
So I'd like to share this with you because I believe it would be it would be important to
Show my story and show that there can be better
and there's a lot of things I talk about and things I wish to do with my life and I want to start a new one and
You know later on you'll you'll talk about a lot of you'll hear me talk about a lot of
Some faith that I've some faith blast backs that I've learned in my life

(10:26):
And you know, I never really was a religious person
I you know, I believe there is a God out there and I kind of learned some things and I kind of learned that
You know the way I lived my life actually was as if there was a God
as if God himself was watching and and I really feel like that's what happened to me when
Well, you're about to hear happen happened

(10:46):
So I believe I now have a calling for you know the life I should be living so I'm gonna get into it and this is
You know, this is the story hoping the ashes the podcast will be up on Fridays at 7 a.m. Eastern on Spotify
Apple podcasts wherever
There's probably gonna be other places too, but basically wherever you get your podcast
I know Spotify and Apple podcast is where it's gonna be. I will have video versions up on YouTube as well as rumble

(11:12):
You're familiar with rumble. You'll be able to find it over there
And I will have video versions of it that I will be proving it
I will be showing evidence of all the things that my father had said to me and a lot of and
Showing evidence to prove that my father is not somebody who you should ever have as a father. I mean really he

(11:34):
There's a lot of bad things with him that no one should ever be emanating in a family
Oh, I had I never wanted to be somebody who wasn't a part of a nuclear family anymore
I always wanted to have like every other I've always wanted the same things that every normal person wanted to have a great family
great friends and

(11:55):
Being able to feel like you had something to live for now and I and I had that and with it all stripped away
you learn you know, you learn to live your life to the fullest and
You know now I've basically thrown some so many things away and you know half of me realizes
It's me but the other half me realizes it's my father too and I'll get into it

(12:17):
But again, like I said, this is the podcast hoping the ashes Friday's the 70 on me stern
I'm gonna be putting them up on Spotify Apple podcasts wherever you get your podcast
I'm gonna be eventually building that up and if you have any, you know, if you have any interesting places
You want me to put it on you know, I have the website
Www.hopintheashes.com is

(12:38):
www.hopintheashes.com
And yeah, it'll be on the website. There'll be a contact section where you can fill out a form to you have anything you want to
Ask me. I mean, I want to have that door open to anybody who's willing to hear
You know wants to know more about me or you know what I've gone through and
That door is always open if you have anything that you want to share there and it would be appreciated

(13:03):
I do have a I will be starting up a paid subscription for anybody who wants to know more about or get extra podcast episodes and
It says it on there, but yeah extra podcast episodes and maybe some say and what you want to hear me talk about
But should I something I should have really gotten more into but you know
That's what I hope to do is is try to go into some of these topics that people

(13:25):
That maybe aren't as spoken
You know, I want to be somebody who can help on the social front of our our country and our society in our world
to help better understand what what's right and what's not right and
You know, and I really want to be able to to help the world understand where to be and where not to be what to do and what not to do
So I really hope that you could bring us all back together. We've included myself. I'm coming from nothing

(13:50):
But there will be a paid subscription up there $5 a month $45 a year
I will be doing a promo code for election day. It'll start on
It will be Monday. I'm gonna start it $15 off the yearly subscription. It'll be at $30 a year
You'll get extra podcast up. You'll get a bonus podcast episode each month as well as a bunch of other stuff

(14:13):
You can check out on there. I would do have social media up as well on X and Instagram at hoping the ashes underscore
You over there. You can check me out over there and on Facebook and all that stuff, but yeah, I really hope to do
I really hope to help out other people and help to
Help myself as well. I really jumping into this. I want to be I want to jump in and have myself

(14:37):
You know, I have us all help each other out. No, I really wish I had somebody who could say, you know
What let's let's get you let's get your ass going, you know, and I think I'm at that point where I kind of I need somebody
I want and I'm really hoping that we can all help each other be the best versions of ourselves. Oh
I mean, I'm honestly that's this the intro isn't really the best version of myself at all

(15:02):
But I hope to to do that and I hope to share that and you know down the road
And there's many other things I like to do with this podcast, but no, I'm gonna be doing this
This is my commitment 7 a.m. Eastern on Fridays. These podcasts will be out and
You find me there. So check out this is gonna be the pro law
I'm gonna share the prologue and chapter one of the story and each each week will probably be a chapter or two depends on whichever is

(15:29):
An hour long in total the podcast will be an hour long. So
Closest to an hour as possible
But yeah, I hope you aren't annoyed. I hope you are willing to hear what I have to say
And I hope I'm not just talking into a microphone and hoping that other people will hear me
I'd love to hear what you have to say, you know, because I

(15:52):
I've really lived a life where I've sheltered people
I've kind of shoved myself away and told others to fuck off and you know, just leave me alone and I
I'm not living the consequence of it. And now, you know, I after what I've gone through with my father. I
I really hope to turn things around. So enough babbling

(16:14):
I'm gonna pick into the story and after that final episode's done. I will get the podcast going and
Try to delve into some issues that talk about some things that I've really have been through and
Hopefully I'll be in a better version of myself than now. But um, but yeah, so I hope you enjoy

(16:58):
Oh

(17:23):
Hope in the ashes
Healing scars from the past and embracing the promise of tomorrow by Sean Fay
Prologue
This is me

(17:43):
I've spent just over a quarter of a century living a life. I see so many others living today
I've always thought to be on the right side of my personal history
Like many people have always wanted the best for my life
However, every effort I made to improve always ended in failure sending me back even further
Right now I am deeply aware of the emptiness that consumes me day by day

(18:04):
I battled to be where I've always wanted to be at 26 years old
I imagine living independently with someone by my side who has my back no matter what
Imagine having wonderful children who can carry on our legacy while giving their best to constantly improve society and brighten humanity's light
Sadly, I'm stuck at where most teenagers are
I'm still at home with my mom and 19 year old brother staring into the mirror and wishing to escape the hell

(18:29):
I've been living in for far too long November 22nd 2022 was a day. I never expected to unfold the way it did
It was also a day. I feared for eternity
However, I never realized the blessing that would come from such a cataclysmic moment in space and time
I believe most of my peers growing up would have feared even the simplest mom and dad arguments
Let alone mom and dad being separated forever

(18:52):
Divorce should never be a pleasant experience for any child yet so many marriages in the United States in the world and in this abominable fashion
Although the tension from their relationship is thankfully subsided the small flames still burns from the lasting impact it left on my mom
brother and especially myself a
Flame still fueled by the things he didn't do for my brother and I

(19:13):
All he ever was to us was quite literally a guy who gives us nice stuff as my brother put it once
However, it was deeper than that all the nice stuff
We were given was always tainted with some form of evil intention behind it
It was never genuine with his actions. Everything was premeditated
Each action was either a aimed at achieving a personal outcome or be an attempt to boast about the nice things he did for his kids

(19:38):
It was all part of a self-fulfilling agenda containing goals which no one knew but himself and only himself
From the beating heart I have your choice to examine another's horrible situation is the very thing which can cleanse those from their dreaded pasts
And lift those hurting souls up from the ground
I'm tired of feeling like a beating my own dead horse over and over

(19:58):
Begging on my hands and knees for a day to come where I can finally move on from the life. I've lived in
In this book I've made the decision to share not only what myself mom and brother have gone through
But also what I've realized after he left and what seems like a short amount of time
I've come to realize many truths that have been long hidden from me as though a thick wool has been pulled from over my eyes

(20:20):
While I realized some parts of my psyche still lack functionality
I wish to break through my insecurities in a vast attempt to help our world understand the damaging aspects of holding children down
I want to not only expose the very fabric of what it's like to live a life where you've been held back from progressing into a mature adult
And how to prevent such a tumultuous scenario from happening

(20:40):
But also bring to light the vile behavior which I believe resides within people like my father
For the rest of my life, I must live with the crushing realization my father belongs amongst the worst of humanity
That alone is demoralizing
Now I must know I don't mean to come off as an arrogant prick sometimes in April
2005 at 7 I was officially diagnosed with Asperger syndrome

(21:03):
I believe it is now known as simply high-functioning autism and the diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders fifth edition
Otherwise known as DSM 5
Well, I still deal with quirk stemming from it. I believe my diagnosis has helped me see through the bullshit revealing things for what they really are
It perfectly complements my newly attained vision of everything around me

(21:24):
Sadly in that same vision
I now see so many others who don't see eye to eye with me or even worse deliberately choose not to see it all together
Therefore you begin to have a better idea of how so many atrocities occur around you and I
Wars shootings rapes murders robberies carjackings riots and the mass manipulation of all common knowledge

(21:44):
Which has built us into who we are today
These horrors foster a palpable belief in societal collapse much like the world George Orwell depicted in 1984
While I see this grim outlook on our collective being I see it within my current life
After making the decision to begin fighting for good rather than roll around in the anguish of evil
I still find myself begging for a new life to begin

(22:06):
I'm still living in what feels like an endless transition period
Every chance I take thinking my time has come is a continuance along the same path of nothingness have been on I
Still have so many things resting on my shoulders weighing me down
Between having no penny to my name and constant noise consisting of reminders of where I am now and where I could be

(22:27):
I'll still leave me feeling the immense scars from the past which seem to remain in size
Before I get too deep into it
I want to lay out my expectations for this book to be honest with you
This is a Hail Mary of sorts after much contemplation as to what I should be doing in my life now
I've decided to embark on this literary journey
I've tried to write books at least a couple times before

(22:47):
However, those attempts eventually failed as they were initiated for reasons which each deferred from their intended purpose
I made this decision to expose every fast in my mind swaying between a grieved confused bright
Creative centered and so many other adjectives because I believe I can make a significant mark and carving a path towards true redemption for myself

(23:08):
And so many others. I believe I can reach those who may not know what I've gone through and share what I feel
I also hope to show the mass of humanity what evil looks like in order to lift ourselves out of the hellish hemisphere we occupy
Reuniting as many of us as possible towards the penultimate goal of directing our existence for the purpose of good instead of evil
Is what I realized could be a mission of mine

(23:30):
What good would it do to roll my ass around in my own drivel and whimper about my father leaving me with nothing to build myself from?
Instead I could take my dreaded situation and share it to the world in order to a point out flaws in the human condition
Which must change in order to heal ourselves from our callous wounds and be blow the whistle on the immorality
Surrounding the sheltering of our youth from progressing towards a total connection with life itself

(23:54):
I've staunchly realized life itself is something which should both be handled with care as well as conquered to its fullest extent
I will also know and I do not intend on calling out any person place or thing as being under the guise of evil
While I myself know what evil really is my sole purpose is calling out actions which can be corrected
I will also mention I want to be real with you

(24:15):
I never want to be someone who profits off of you solely for the premise of frolicking around the fire pit of my life right now
Granted I will also utilize as much of the English language as possible
I will always do my best to provide constructive insights regardless of the age rating of the statements I make
Maybe an unpopular opinion but swear words and other vulgarity can be used constructively

(24:36):
However, that still doesn't mean three-year-old Tommy should be constantly shouting about mommy's snatch
Common sense exists and all should use it. It was used before and can be used today
As I've stated from the beginning for better or worse. This is me
I've suffered an amount of trauma from all I've endured whether I like to admit it or not
However, I do have some brighter moments. I'll talk about them in the latter half of this memoir

(24:59):
I want this book to stand the test of time as a memoir which showcases how a 26 year old recluse hurting soul
Analyzes the life he lived before one which he sees so many others continuing to live and present a situation for how to enact a paradigm shift
Towards uniting humanity by way of companionship camaraderie and resistance from all vices around us

(25:19):
I've learned you can't eliminate evil. It will always exist
However, I hope to empower you to establish an understanding as well as a defense for whatever iterations of malevolence have manifested in your life
No, I'm not an expert
But what I now see around me causes myself and so many others to lose hope and resculpting our lives into something better than they once were
I want to show you that there is better in life

(25:42):
Opportunities are needed to see success. It obviously doesn't materialize out of thin air
I wish to provide an opportunity for others to see what's going on through my own personal lens to try to get us all
On the same page. I'm making this venture more than just myself because I know so many others are hurting too
There are way too many cases of similar pain and abandonment out there to be silent for any longer

(26:04):
I can't continue to bitch piss and cry to the heavens above about being ready to change while expecting said change to magically appear
Like I said, this isn't just about me. It's us fighting together hand in hand
I hope I have gotten my message across about what I hope to do
I know I must change in order to find success in this world and I also know it mustn't only be me who does it

(26:25):
Well, I've witnessed such grave corruption within my own family. I also see a culture and dire need of the same change
I do
Really, I hypothesize the dreaded culture my generation has grown into is what bred the monster that inhabited my family's lives
Only those who have seen the corruption and have the wherewithal to now realize
There's a better way of living are who can open the eyes of such a misguided populace

(26:47):
Well, I'm sure only wishes to find the same blissful conclusions as I do
We all want to live happy peaceful lives. So therefore I want to help us all reach that point
That's the first step
selflessness
altruism
Now let me attempt to expunge all my ideas and philosophies opinions and attitudes
thoughts and beliefs deep from within the new blood have been born into

(27:10):
Changes never something you should denigrate and shove away
That is the one thing we all need to get ourselves out of the bottomless pit we're in right now
Part one what happened

(27:32):
Chapter one lighting the match
My life began at Keller army community hospital located on the beautiful campus of our United States Military Academy in West Point, New York

(27:54):
It was Tuesday, May 12th, 1998 two days before the series finale of Seinfeld aired on TV
My dad 23 at the time was a weapons instructor on the campus
He had been in the US Army for seven years. In fact, he re-enlisted just days prior to my birth
That's the actual reason why I was born there. At least that's what he told me

(28:14):
He served in many places during his tenure from Bosnia and Herbs de Govia to the demilitarized zone in Korea
Domestically, he was stationed at Sierra Army depot in Hurlong, California as well as Fort Stewart, Georgia
When I was born my parents were living off barracks in nearby New Windsor
When my dad left the military, we all moved to my Nana's house in Chikabee in Western Massachusetts

(28:36):
The border Springfield the third largest city in the state
Eventually my dad bought my Nana and pop-up's house after they passed which later became the location of where my family crumbled apart
Both my mom and dad grew up in Chikabee my mom attended Chikabee High School and worked at the McDonald's at the end of her street
My dad attended Chikabee comprehensive high school before transferring to Chikabee High at the beginning of his junior year

(29:00):
My mom and dad both met at a mini golf course called birdies and bogeys that was inside the Hoyoke Mall
Let's say mini golf course is no longer there. If you Google birdies and bogeys Hoyoke
You can find a vintage sports illustrated article from 1990 that talks about it
Having a golf course inside of a mall was a first in America at the time apparently
My parents eventually got a small apartment in Chikabee and we lived there for a year or two until we moved into another apartment not too far from there

(29:26):
Eventually Valentine's Day 2003 was the day we finally moved into the house that grew up in in nearby Westfield
I spent over 16 years in that house on five Princeton Street
Over the years we had rented the other portion of the two-family house to other relatives we knew
That proved to never really work out so well as drama after drama would tear apart each agreement
So much happened in those 16 years. My brother was born while living in that house

(29:51):
He burnt his hand on our pellet stove when we lived downstairs
He didn't react to the burn until nearly 30 minutes after touching the hot stove. It was weird. I went to college at Westfield State University
It's also where I got my first real job working as a cashier for regional grocery store chain called big y whole-class market
They have stores located across Massachusetts and Connecticut

(30:12):
It was near the end of our time in Westfield where my father decided to sell some of ours and his possessions
In order to establish a nonprofit boxing gym
He called Central City boxing and barbell
He named it after a popular gym of a similar name that was a hotbed when he was growing up
I say nonprofit because plainly he profited from a nonprofit boxing program

(30:32):
Before I never understood how we were able to do so many things as a family knowing the gym wasn't supposed to be for profit
However in hindsight and recall him saying he was having all the boxers dues
Payments for being members of the gym funneled into his PayPal account
Therefore along with the income from this job as a police officer. He always had the funds we needed for whatever he wanted to do with us

(30:54):
Eventually we moved out of our house in the summer of 2019
I never imagined our family living anywhere else, but it became a new reality
I didn't actually know I would be comfortable with
The house was entering a state of decay even the foundation was beginning to crumble that summer we moved to Springfield
This move helped my father try to establish credibility within the residents of Springfield as he was also moving his gym operation to a new building in the city

(31:17):
Our move was also because he had to enter a deed and loo agreement with our house
To my best understanding it is when you come to an agreement and understanding with your lender
You can no longer afford the mortgage of your home rather than facing the nightmare foreclosure
This was because as I later found out from my mom
She was given the task of handling the family bills without any knowledge of knowing how to properly do it

(31:39):
Basically my father threw our bills at her without any communication as to how she should be paying them
Instead he told her you could figure it out and when she couldn't figure it out
He then shamed her for not figuring it out
We lived in Springfield for roughly two years. It was also really where our family began to show signs of corrosion
Eventually we then moved to another house in nearby Hamden in summer 2021

(32:01):
We lived there for less than a year before my dad bought my mom's parents's house in May 2022
My mom never wanted him to buy the house. He didn't give a fuck. He still bought it anyway
Now the rest of us are back in Westfield
December 17th 2024 will make it one full year in our small town home style apartment
Hope that makes sense because that's the best way I can describe it

(32:23):
I honestly don't know which it is an apartment town home or a little bit of both
But I have to say I'm very grateful we got here at times if you're we never would
After my dad left the military he graduated from the Massachusetts State Police Academy in 2000 and became a police officer in Chikabee
He was a police officer for 24 years
7 in Chikabee and 17 in Springfield

(32:45):
He spent most of his career working the night shift from midnight to late o'clock in the morning
I eventually learned he spent most of his career harassing female EMT workers telling them to bend over olive oil
He also did several other heinous things throughout his career
Beat up a gay guy in the back of a cruiser once calling him a f*** it that guy sued the city and won that case

(33:06):
Once when popular rapper Trey songs played at the now defunct hippodrome in Springfield
My father beat the shit out of him after songs and his entourage started getting out of hand
He was also wearing a certain type of gloves that were illegal to use at the time which contained small sandbags in each knuckle
I only knew because he gloated about it the next day when he came home from work
For all I know that could have been a conceited lie. He felt compelled to tell us who knows at this point

(33:31):
More recently someone my mom knew witnessed a fight at the school
They worked at my dad was called to it and all he did when he showed up was face the crowd
Cross his arms looking big bad and tough and did absolutely nothing to stop the fight not even an ounce of him had any
intention of protecting those kids as
We came to learn whenever he gets a chance to show himself off to people regardless of the mayhem around

(33:54):
He has to be the center of the show
Because he always worked at night while I was sleeping
I never really saw him during the day my mom was around all the time
So it allowed me to have a closer connection to her so when I was young
I felt I still had a fairly positive relationship with my dad even though I didn't really see him as much
It didn't really bother me because I at least had the basic knowledge to know the job. He works provided for our family

(34:17):
Going back to February 2003. I began kindergarten six months after I had gotten comfortable with the environment around me
School began in late August and concluded in June
School was scary to me as I was perfectly content staying at home playing video and computer games watching TV and having a grand old time at home
It was this new place for me where I would be away from what I enjoyed at the time late August rolled around

(34:39):
And I became extremely anxious of what school could be like
I'll admit it wasn't just the connection I had with my lifestyle, but specifically the connection I had with my mom
Having to go to school was putting my connection with her and newly acquired at home lifestyle and jeopardy
Consequently the entire first week of elementary school resulted in me crying uncontrollably
I also screamed at the teacher and told her that my dad was going to arrest her

(35:01):
Yeah, I actually told my kindergarten teacher that as you could tell the separation anxiety was real
From the second week on board my teacher was cool and enjoyed having me in class
There weren't any hard feelings regarding my first week of school meltdown
I did have an experience later on in first grade when I bumped one of my friends on the head with a toy hammer
I walked him once on the top of his head because he was mean to another classmate

(35:23):
I was sent to the principal's office
Principal Moseley elementary school was a guy probably in his late 50s early 60s
He was a heartfelt guy with the best of intentions, but when it came to kids acting like idiots
He literally gave no fucks whatsoever
He had no issues screaming at a kid and telling him or her to knock it off
Still hear his voice when I say knock it off

(35:44):
Honestly, he was a principal many schools need today
Thankfully, I was let off the hook. I think he saw these were one-off incidences and gave me a benefit of the doubt
Maybe he knew something I didn't as first grade emanated
I regularly attended the Carson Center for Children and Youth there
I regularly met with a therapist named Jenny who examined me with several different tests to ultimately determine that I shared

(36:06):
Characteristics that highly resembled that of someone with Asperger syndrome
The therapist concluded in her report that I was intelligent interested and eager to learn and please
Her report also revealed that I had a great difficulty with abstract thinking and understanding the nuances of the thoughts and feelings of others
At that particular time, I thought I was a perfectly content human being who was doing everything that normal people would do

(36:27):
While bouncing up and down on my bed singing along to a copy of now
That's what I call music 19 and playing NBA ballers on my PlayStation 2
I was having the time of my life during that time. I never thought I was neurologically different than most people in this world
Of course now I know that being different is a commonality via everyone's different in their own way
Back then I thought bouncing on my bed fucking up the box spring singing out loud

(36:51):
The gorillas feel good ink relying case be my escape and three doors downs
Let me go all while making Kevin Garnett dunk a basketball over seven foot two Shaquille O'Neal
Was what every five and six year old would do
Not socializing not hanging out with friends not even having friends. Just keep it to myself
Later on I realized that wasn't quite the most superlative decision to make

(37:14):
Elementary school proved to be better for me
It was emotional graduating from fifth grade as I was one of the last fifth graders to graduate from Mosley
Today those classrooms I graduated through are now apartments people live in
Christ the school had been open for over a hundred years not exaggerating
That place was a shrine for my youth
I recall all the games of kickball football and four square that were played in the back of that school during recess time

(37:38):
I also recall the friends I made there one of which is engaged to the same person he's loved since we were in middle school
In school friends. I'll stress
We did a lot together during school hours and only attempted to hang out a few times by few
I mean two or three. I do remember going to his birthday party one year
A lack of hangout time had everything to do with my unwillingness to connect with my peers outside of school

(37:59):
He's a great guy. Maybe sometime I'll catch up with him
Speaking of middle school. That was where some true issues arose. Of course. I was 11
Naivety and puberty were at its very cusp. No later than one week into middle school. I came across a girl
I liked a lot named scarlet
I had assumed that everything in the movies was factual and could happen
The truth was quickly handed to me

(38:20):
I went up to scarlet asked her if she would go out with me in the most naive way and was rejected
The worst part was I didn't even stop there
You see while recalling those moments in hindsight. I obviously know there was no merit or logic therein
Every thought I had an action. I took was an automatic reaction to my desperate social desires
For a year and a half. I was engaged in a high-speed chase to have scarlet for myself

(38:44):
Rejection only led me to chase scarlet further and further. It was implanted in my head. I had to have her
Slowly because all my other peers seemed to have someone for themselves
One day a lady that was working with me in school pulled me out of class and walked me to a room in the back corner of the school
I eventually had to go to school
I eventually had a discussion in that room with an autism specialist who works with other kids in the district

(39:06):
Who are somewhere on the spectrum?
That was the day I found out that I had been diagnosed with Asperger syndrome five years prior
I was divided by the news
Autism was by far the biggest thing placed onto my plate and I wasn't sure if I could handle not being like the other kids around me
At the same time I finally began to recognize autism must have been the reason I was struggling to not have any sort of connection with anybody

(39:28):
Including scarlet
I grew to despise being unoriginal and became infuriated as I began to think everything
I ever wanted in this world wasn't going to come to me without constant strife
I wanted things to be easy, but autism was apparently going to make things much more difficult
I pushed even more towards scarlet as seventh grade began
It got to such extreme lengths like creepily staring at her through the doorway as I would walk by

(39:53):
While class was in session
I even learned and memorized her every location throughout every period of every school day. I'm sure even you reading this book wouldn't be callous enough to do that
I was so desperate
I was eventually forced to talk with the principal about it and scarlet's parents were reasonably growing concerned about the issue
I guess the most shocking thankful part about it was no criminal action was placed against me

(40:17):
Maybe autism had something to do with it. I don't know
But that was where I knew the scarlet saga had to end. It took that talk with the principal for me to finally recognize what I was doing
From there. I made sure scarlet was out of my vision
Eighth grade proved to be just as hard as the previous two grades. It was also where I had my scared straight moment
I was sitting at lunch one day when a kid next to me asked me if I liked italians

(40:41):
I responded that I did he then asked me if I liked portarecans. I hesitated and responded that I did not
Let me be clear that response. I made back then is by no means a reflection of my thoughts today
Since my father was a police officer
He would often come home with stories from his previous night's work domestic altercations robberies home invasions etc

(41:03):
His stories from work occasionally involved Hispanic individuals some portarecan as a perpetrator of a crime
Because I would hear about portarecans somehow being involved in the crime. I insensibly assumed portarecans were bad people
I eventually educated myself against that belief little did I know this would play a factor on what my father withheld from our family
Returning to the story at hand that came to find out a portarecan classmate was sitting directly across from me

(41:28):
Yeah, that didn't end well
He was clearly pissed and called over to the vice principal and expressed his frustration to her
I tried everything I could to explain myself, but I was told to explain it to the other vice principal in his office
There he called my parents told him the situation and summons me to two lunch detentions
For the rest of that day, I continued to contemplate what my fate could be

(41:49):
I kept thinking my father was bound to know what happened and I knew he would dig into me if he found out
I had not only one lunch detention, but two
It turned out he understood what happened and why I said that and informed me that it was wrong
Those lunch detention showed me what it was like to be a juvenile delinquent
It was literally jail and school
Kids who stabbed other kids with pencils served the same purpose as adults who stabbed other adults with knives

(42:14):
Kids who verbally abused their teachers served the same purpose as adults who verbally abused other adults
Kids who fought other kids with their fists served the same purpose as adults shooting other adults with firearms
It became very clear this was not the place for me
I sat in that room where family and consumer science classes took place with my head down
Praying and hoping I wasn't going to be roped into becoming the prison bitch

(42:36):
I am forever grateful that didn't happen, but I knew I needed high school to come faster so I could remove the toxicity
middle school created for me
While I was wishing for a new lease on life
I had absolutely no clue high school would be where most of the greatest memories of my life unfolded
The fall to middle school carried some initial paranoia as I was thinking I would start from where I left off in middle school

(42:57):
Luckily that wasn't the case. I was elected class president freshman year
Yup, it still astonishes me today in reflection
I ran against three of my peers one who I still believe is destined to be a politician someday
Another that literally showed up in a t-shirt and sweatpants and a girl who had every intention of winning
I eventually grew to know each of them very well inside of school as the years progressed

(43:20):
But miraculously I beat a destined politician
Now I'm probably shitting my pants when I shouldn't be. I mean it was high school
We weren't running to be the fucking president of the United States
Either way being the class president for my freshman peers was symmetrically as important to me
I wasn't very happy about it being the only year I was a class president as I ran every preceding year and lost

(43:42):
But I had bigger fish to fry
After serving as class president. I was involved with school affairs
I served on our school's parent teacher student organization
PTSD for two years and assisted with the establishment of our school's Rachel's challenge chapter
An organization created in the memory of Rachel Scott was killed in the 1999 Columbine high school shooting
I also played in my school's talent show two years in a row

(44:05):
I sang and played guitar both times breaking Benjamin's breath junior year and stains outside senior year
Wedged in the middle of all the success still were the social struggles of the past
While I got along with everyone there was still no effort made to hang out with anyone outside of school
It seemed as if I treated school like work. I went to school went to my classes talked with my peers

(44:26):
The bell would ring and I would go home
I was still keeping to myself after school hours as time was flying by I was realizing my social life was a huge bore
There was no action excitement or even contentment
For that reason I decided junior year to set back on my search to find someone to connect with
One of the classes I began junior year with was financial literacy

(44:47):
I had financial literacy class with a girl I had known since middle school named Gianna
I got to know Gianna towards the latter half of sixth grade below my egregious obsession for Scarlett
With the exception of a minor bump we had back then we ended up connecting really well throughout the ending of middle school and so forth
Gianna sat a couple seats over from where I sat in financial literacy

(45:07):
Because of that I got the chance to chat with her any other peers we sat with
As a semester drew on and began to feel drawn to Gianna
Our like conversations often made me feel a sense of euphoria
I became addicted to the rush of joy I would get by simply talking to her and hanging out with her during the lulls of class time
It felt as if being given attention for even the slightest moment allowed me to forget the developmental struggles I maintained

(45:30):
It grew to me texting her outside of school more than once a week. It then grew to once a day
She would often respond to my text as we had some pretty nice conversations
The problem was there was no further development
In the relationship with these texting sessions. I clearly lacked an understanding of personal space
I became increasingly addicted to the gratification achieved from conferring with her
I knew Gianna had a boyfriend of a couple years. I knew who he was

(45:54):
They seemed to have a strong relationship with each other
Because of her boyfriend and the sports she played on top of that
She didn't always want to talk to me because she was occupied with those activities
Or at least that's what I speculated
By overflowing desire to keep my relationship with Gianna
Alive led me to a point where my text messages were not receiving any responses
Those unanswered texts left me begging for more

(46:15):
Thereafter I began to notice Gianna acting differently in class
She seemed cold and unwilling to talk to me or even look at me
The stupid part is I didn't see to that response
Nothing connected in my head telling me something was wrong
Henceforth I continued texting her once a day without giving any fucks whatsoever
She continued not to respond to those texts
Sooner or later I was painfully desperate to talk to Gianna

(46:38):
After I texted her one day I proceeded to send her a Facebook message later that night
Asking her if she had gotten my text
The text simply read, Hi Gianna, how was your day?
This was probably the millionth time I had texted her that during the whole school year
Yeah, that was followed up with a ginormous bombshell dropped on me

(46:59):
She sent me back a very long Facebook message
exclaiming to me that I needed to leave her alone because I was making her feel uncomfortable
and that I was trying to advance the relationship even though I knew she had a boyfriend
That was a fact
I literally tried to sabotage a perfectly fine relationship solely because I wanted to be with her
Just imagine committing to such an act of evil while feeling as if you're acting for good

(47:22):
Let that sink in
I literally had no cognition of the fact she's already in a great relationship
There's no ending to that
Leave her the fuck alone
That never reached me
Thus I felt the brunt of what a soul disconnection feels like
The magnitude of the message left me shaking profusely the rest of that night and even the morning proceeding it

(47:44):
As I read back the message over and over I began to feel this was my judgment day
I saw nothing but a straight downfall into my middle school hole
This was it
I was done
Well, I was done
Welcome back to hell
After barely getting any sleep that night I had awoken to a palpable trembling within my body
It was a feeling I very much had recently after my father left

(48:07):
Several thoughts began to race through my head regarding what could occur in class that day
Would she not look at me? Would she not acknowledge me?
In reality the tension between us lasted for around a month and it surely could be cut with a knife
Eventually she lightened up by the end of that semester
But regardless I knew it was over at that point
The very next semester we had another class together

(48:27):
There I apologized to her for what I had done and asked for forgiveness
Thankfully I was blessed she forgave me for what I did to her that semester
While we were just kids in high school most would be beaten shitless
And rightfully so for doing such an aferious thing as to subversively destroy a relationship so I could have my own with her
Now I realize how eerily similar that sounds to what my father did to my mom, brother, and I

(48:50):
Just as I have always wanted to do with Scarlett and so many other situations I got myself into
I wish I could share a full apology to them from outside of Satan's Ring of Fire
I've had dreams of doing it for so many years now
Pretty sad honestly
We eventually forgot about the affair altogether and have been on good terms since
She ended up breaking up with that guy at the beginning of senior year

(49:11):
The second half of my junior year was just as interesting because I then became interested in a whole other girl named Naomi
I met her in middle school too but later on in eighth grade
I got to talking with her while we were on our eighth grade field trip to Washington DC
Since things with Gianna fell through I felt Naomi would have something to bring to the table
The revival began when I said hi to her in the stairwell as we were crossing paths on our way to our respective classes

(49:37):
And then grew into having faint conversations at her locker as I had figured out it was just outside one of my classes
She seemed elated by the conversations and never since the day I met her
And never since any doubt from her as we would talk to each other even though my recognition skills were poor
May I mention these conversations literally lasted less than a minute
While my effort was commendable it never lasted as long as it should have

(50:00):
As winter vacation approached I had an itch to ask her out and just go somewhere with her so I could get to know her more
I was growing sick of not having a life outside of school
I wanted to just as everyone else have somewhere to go and live a life in the real world outside of my constricted bubble at home
While my autism held me to a habitual lifestyle I viciously craved to break that routine and give myself something to yearn for

(50:21):
So I asked her if she would be willing to hang out sometime over the winter break
My amazement she agreed and said it would be cool to do that
I was all stricken
Could I be dazed from finally breaking out of my shell and hanging out with someone?
Valentine's Day was approaching so I figured that day was fitting
I knew she didn't have a boyfriend so I had a perfect opportunity to be out on Valentine's Day with a single girl

(50:43):
Well I called her
No answer
Whether I left her a voicemail or not is beyond my memory but I at least knew I was crushed as she could probably figure
Furthermore I came back to school after that break to find out she transferred to a Catholic high school across town
That led me to further turmoil
Why the fuck would this happen to me?
I nailed a perfect opportunity to hang out with a girl who was sweet, kind, sincere and then the carpet was ripped right from underneath me

(51:10):
Metaphorically I jumped off the diving board into what I thought was a pool but actually was the ground
Then to add insult to injury I smashed my face into the hard ass floor
Nothing could have been more excruciating than that
However Naomi was soon replenished by someone else
More on that later
Let me keep going with the freight train of my life and its impending collision

(51:35):
There are snapshots of amiable moments from high school graduation
However I was about to roam into a new world I never knew would break me down so much
It was almost as if the loss of Charlotte, someone I'll mention later, was just the start of what real conflict looked like
Up until then I clearly knew what it was like to have things not go my way
Only I saw the heat reach a medium level, I never expected the room to get as hot as it was going to get

(51:59):
As I embarked on the beginning of my secondary education I knew I was merely trying to please the master
Really that's all I was doing
From the beginning of school I never aimed to even set foot on a university campus
High school was enough for me really, it was a better ending
Conversely my father was uncompromising when it came to education
My ass was going to college whether I liked it or not

(52:21):
This was shown to me one day when I was around 10 I think
I remember being in the living room of the downstairs portion of our house
My dad was lying on the couch trying to relax after a common string of five work days he had
It was approaching bedtime for me, I believe maybe a scene from a movie appeared on TV of someone in college
I don't know
But I remember him asking me this preeminent question

(52:42):
You're going to college when you grow up right? He asked
Actually no, I responded after a brief pause
What do you mean no? He barked back
After high school I really don't want to go to college
I don't care what you think he countered
Education is power like I've always told you

(53:03):
I'm not going to let you become some fucking loser pissing his life away on the side of the street
Whether you like it or not you will go to college
Yeah that's how a roughly 35 year old man responded to his son at such a young age
That's just how things went in the Fay household
He was the overlord we all had to bow to
Kiss his feet, bow to our knees, whatever he needed to be

(53:25):
He came before any of us did
As the post-secondary clock was ticking closer I was beginning to ponder my life outside of school
Not career wise but my father and I's relationship
All those years ago I told him I wouldn't entertain the idea of college, point blank
However by this point I felt I would view what the seemingly obvious outcome of that decision would render

(53:46):
It became a decision between making a deal with the devil, sealing a fate for myself that would plunge me into a pit of darkness I never once entered
Or cower to the almighty ruler and run away from all self-righteousness
Do I prioritize myself or my father?
I inevitably decided to ladder
Again it seemed so obvious to believe going against my dad's wishes would have no chance of redemption to it

(54:09):
On top of that I had no recognition there was a pathway towards showing him a possibly better outcome
I just assumed I had to do what my parents say as any good child would
That was my thing
I mostly tried to be an orderly well-behaved kid in school
Sure I had my ventures which led me down paths of understanding on their own
Relatively speaking I was never the kid looking to bully the weakest fucker in my class

(54:31):
I was that weak fucker that wouldn't make any sense
Therefore I felt I had to say yes to a four year degree I never wanted
But I also thought it could be a great opportunity to get him into a position of optimism rather than cynicism
Maybe he'll finally show some happiness and contentment with something I've done whether I wanted to do it or not
Maybe I'll actually do much better than I thought I would and turn this into a win-win for the both of us

(54:54):
I always wanted to do stuff with music anyways
Maybe even be a disc jockey on the radio
My first choice was Folk State University just outside Orlando Florida
My dad said, Boussnot actually University, that's just a trade school
Okay, so I narrowed down to three choices
University of Massachusetts Lowell
The famed Berkeley College of Music in Boston

(55:16):
Or Westfield State University in my hometown
Literally eight minutes away
My focus was communication so my choice was which one would be the best
However really I ended up going with what was most comfortable
Yeah, the one eight minutes away
My very first semester at Westfield State University actually turned out to be a pretty decent success
I was honestly beginning to feel as if my return on investment wasn't going to be that bad

(55:40):
I even began learning things that were mildly interesting with regard to computer technology in the communications field
However, semester two was where things began to change
By then I was slapped in the face with the harsh reality my degree wasn't what I thought it would be
See, my goal for communications was to learn more about the radio industry and concepts that would lead me into a radio gig
At Westfield State University that wasn't the case

(56:02):
The major provided classes talking about actual communication
Like how you and I are relating right now in this memoir
I just assumed the radio industry fell into the communications field
I was beyond dejected to receive this information and realized I was becoming a statistic so many other people my age are falling into
This degree would hold no merit to me

(56:23):
I was basically sleepwalking into a field I had no interest in
On top of that I would be setting myself up to have over $30,000 of student loan debt sitting there for whenever the hell I could get around to finally paying it off
This was where all my fucks to give about college were lost
At this rate I didn't just enter a field I had no interest in, I didn't even want this shit in the first place
I'm just wasting precious time I could be spending on other things that would actually lead me on a better path

(56:49):
At least somewhere like Full City University would have been up my alley
Even Berkeley or Connecticut School Broadcasting
That's radio at least
But here I am just wasting time, money, and sanity
While I could have transferred schools or even dropped out, my mind wasn't there
It never was, I felt I couldn't be there at this point because the last thing I needed to do was create chaos at home as I knew what my father's reaction would be

(57:13):
I just had to barrel through with my head down and survive the rest of my tenure until I had my sheet of paper in hand, one which proved he survived the glorified form of high school
That's how it felt
I will admit there are several positions out there today which must be satisfied by way of post-secondary education
Mostly STEM fields, add doctors, lawyers, and architects to that list as well

(57:35):
I guess MBAs are important too
My anger is more so centered at schools that require common core courses, math, science, history, etc
It's just high school round two
I literally never passed simple math
It still irks me to this day
I'm not a fucking idiot
Halfway through college, my academics and self-esteem continued to plunge down this hole so deeply entrenched with apathy and disdain

(57:59):
With every class I had to take, I progressively hated school even more
Each professor seemed more grandiose than the last
Just taking sight of a professor would invoke a violent addicity within me
I had never once experienced such vast stress and anger than I did in my last two semesters at Westfield State University
To this day, I continued to vow to never set foot on that campus ever again

(58:21):
Really, it was the sheer pomp and circumstance that did it for me
Thrown into it was the culture on that campus holding a potent sense of entitlement
Such a feeling emanated within me of all these fuckers who are similar in age as I
Having mommy and daddy fund every penny of their education while superficiously pissing it all away with constant parties every weekend
Putting on a dog and pony show as if they're really looking to become the embodiment of their respective fields they wish to enter

(58:46):
I guess to put it in more simple terms, I was a stereotypical emo kid who loathe everyone around him
Just without the garb
I knew I didn't fit in the sea of pretentious academia
This wasn't me
It was never supposed to be
But as much as dropping out should have been on the table, I had a firm vision of what the outcome of that decision would hold
Therefore, I made my bed and I now needed to sleep in it

(59:08):
Even if the nightmare were to rage on
And that it did
With most families, wrongdoing could be dealt with a simple slap on the wrist, a heated argument, or even a harsh punishment
But to me, I never saw there being any other outcome than unmitigated contempt
It wouldn't be solely your grounded
I would be at the verge of your fucking failing piece of shit you should be fucking ashamed of yourself

(59:30):
Then it would be followed with those fucking games or whatever are gonna be gone forever
You don't need that fucking shit anyways
Afterwards loop those statements daily for the next week or so
Even worse, I would fear hearing the sentence no child wants to hear regardless of the attitude you present
Pack your shit and get the fuck out
Thankfully, I never heard those words uttered
There was never honey with him

(59:52):
Not even vinegar
There was always an inferno, no exceptions
Peace or destruction
Imagine if World War II happened in a day and then proceeded to be erased from existence the next day
Wars obviously can never be erased from human memory after they occur
But evidently, my father believed they could be
His consistently inconsistent behavior, a term coined by my wonderful previous therapist James, has led me to be the exorbant conflict of void and I still am today

(01:00:18):
Simple arguments have to be dodged at all costs because of my fear of that dreaded possibility of being given the boot
Especially when knowing you were right all along
Up to this point, I was doing one hell of a job managing the task of keeping my college failing to myself
No one else knew what was really going on
When I was forced to deal with the consequences of my academic delinquency at the end of that year, I felt a grave sense of fear I never had before

(01:00:43):
It was the end of sophomore year
We were upstairs this time and downstairs was vacant
I knew if I hadn't begun to turn my grades around, I would risk losing the financial aid package I obtained every school year
That was what my higher education hinged on, really
With the money my dad was making, which wasn't much, hell would be to pay if I were to let that wash away
We absolutely couldn't afford to pay out of pocket for the education

(01:01:05):
Or at least that's what I was led to believe
Who the fuck knows, maybe he had money hiding none of us knew about
I digress
Shortly after class ended, I received the email I never wanted to
I had finally lost my eligibility for financial aid
I had an opportunity to re-obtain eligibility after the upcoming year, but that meant shit
I was already in deep shit

(01:01:27):
Eventually, when the letter came in the mail, I had to prepare for anything to happen
I was so overwhelmed with the possibilities, I couldn't settle on one outcome to predict
However, I did believe being kicked out was highly unlikely on the list
At least my father always claimed he would never do that to me
But even then, I didn't know, I never knew if anything could ever be certain
My dad was sleeping, however my mom was awake and went down to get the mail

(01:01:52):
What's this, she asked after coming up the stairs
I don't know, I said after a brief pause
This is gonna not be what I think this is
Alright, I'll be honest, I said
I lost the financial aid
What? I thought you were doing fine this whole time
I was, but then I kinda slipped up recently I guess

(01:02:17):
Your father's going to kill you when he finds out about this, you know that right?
Yes, I know, I responded
With my head low, I walked back to my room and shut the door
Now that mom knew of my tarnished academic standing, Anguish began to flood me
It was enough pain for me to know she knew what had been happening over the previous couple of years
But that was only the cusp of it

(01:02:39):
Dad still had to know
He was all I truly needed to dread
Eventually I heard him roll out of bed and open his door
His feet heavy marched his way to the bathroom to take a piss
Thankfully for me, since my mom held the same fear of what would be shortly coming
She held out telling him for as long as she could
However, she knew he had to know as soon as possible
We both knew that

(01:03:01):
Nevertheless, we tore off the band-aid
I got this letter in the mail from Sean's school, I heard her say from my room
What for? he asked
Well, I think he lost his financial aid
What the fuck are you talking about?
Sean!
What? I yelled at him
Get over here
This was always a moment where my gut would sink to the lowest part of my body

(01:03:26):
Whatever life-ending adjective you choose to use, this was it
I got it from my desk, opened the door, and walked into the living room to learn my fate
Your mother said you lost your financial aid at school, is that true?
Yes, I said bracing for impact
Are you fucking kidding me? Do you not know how much this shit costs just to keep your ass in there?

(01:03:48):
No, I don't
What if I always told you from the beginning? he asked
Education is power?
Yes, he retorted
You need to keep your ass focused on school and nothing else
Instead, now you're fucking around and pissing your life away
Babe, no, I'm not gonna fucking let him just piss his life away
That's not going to happen
I'm not pissing my life away, I shouted

(01:04:10):
Yeah, then what the fuck are you doing?
I was beginning to build a defense against him
Something clicked in me to begin firing back instead of staying quiet, tail tied between my legs
I need to begin showing him some kind of resistance if I ever wanted to make it anywhere in life
While my attempts were lackluster to start, I was marking the beginning of a slow buildup lasting years of development with regard to finding him back

(01:04:32):
I was just trying my best, I mustered
Your best? This is your best? Are you fucking kidding me?
Can you stop berating him? My mom cried out
No, I'm not going to baby him like you always fucking do
He's 17 fucking years old
I never baby him, she countered
Yes, you do, every fucking time he does something, you have to always be right there to fucking save him

(01:04:56):
She never babies me, I shouted
Alright, I'm interjected
Regardless, it doesn't matter
What are we going to do about this federal aid? Is there some way you can be reinstated or something like that?
I'm going to get a GPA around 2.5 the next semester, they'll reinstate me
Okay, well you need to get some help from the Banaco Center so you can get your grades up and get this money back

(01:05:17):
Okay, I acknowledge
We love you, we always want what's best for you, but you need to communicate with us and let us know if you ever have any trouble, okay?
Yes, I said morosely
At this point, I went back to my room
This would be the battlefield I would begin to fight on for so long until the very end of our unstable family
I could never grow to enjoy it as no one ever should, but I began to understand that day I could no longer take the blows left and right

(01:05:44):
I had to begin to defend myself, I was going to get anywhere with him
Little did I know, I would eventually learn I was beginning to engage in battles I would never win
The very next day, I did something unthinkable at the time
After feeling the immense guilt for what had transpired the previous day, I noticed I had a feeling to apologize for raising my voice at him
Looking back on it now, it wouldn't make any sense for me to have that feeling, but as I noted before, I was still stuck in a goody two shoes delirium

(01:06:11):
At that point, I felt I made a tragic mistake by yelling back to my father, very much to the extent a nine-year-old would
So when he was walking past my room, I opened my door and initiated an apology
What? He barked after seeing me?
I just wanted to say I'm sorry for yelling at you yesterday, and I'm sorry for losing the financial aid
Whatever, he replied after a pause, it's a new day

(01:06:36):
Then I was remarkably pleased with his response, now I recognize how cowardly it is to merely push away a blatant emotional assault as when he directed the previous day
At the end of that semester, I did manage to get my GPA high enough to get my financial aid package back
Did I ever get any thank you from him? No, like he told me when I apologized, it's a new day

(01:06:58):
That was always his mantra, berate others, then pretend like it never happened afterwards
Start shit without the burden of responsibility
With the exception of my very first semester, college was a consistent decline
Not going up, no stagnation, just a free fall
Senior year was truly where all fucks were lost
My bar went so low I even copied a person's paper even after I told her I wouldn't

(01:07:23):
She was not her best mentally if I remember correctly, so my grave atrocity basically caused her to have a mental breakdown
Rightfully so
I wish I could recall the event better, but maybe that's for the better
I do recall it being the earliest signs of evil within me
I didn't care at all, if it meant I would have to take a fellow classmate's paper, edit it, and submit it as my own, and so fucking be it

(01:07:45):
I definitely paid a substantial consequence to my omission of dignity
I forever wished I could apologize for what I have done, even if an apology may never do justice for what I did to her
If so, I completely understand
If you happen to be reading this, I cannot describe the immense guilt and disgrace I have for what I did to you
You were a victim of my ravaging hatred for higher academia, and you were never deserving of the misery I placed upon you

(01:08:10):
The shame I have for this will be something I will forever have to live with, and I deeply wish to make it up to you somehow
If not, I get it
I'll gladly take the shame
All I can do then is wish you the best

(01:08:50):
Thank you for watching!