November 8, 2024 • 35 mins
In this episode, Sean recalls some of the things he did with his father when he was young. Eventually, he begins to unravel the heinous story of his father leaving. Content contains explicit language.
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I didn't know if I I always could just picture even now it's like you hear all these voices
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of people saying you know you're a piece of shit you're this you're that you know you
talk weird you talk funny you know it most people here sending me back even further right
now I'm deeply aware of the emptiness that consumes me day by day I battled to be where
I've always wanted to be at 26 years old I imagine living independently with someone
by my side this book to stand the test of time as a memoir which showcases how a 26
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year old recluse hurting soul analyzes the life he lived before one which he sees so many
obvious outcome of that decision would render it became a decision between making a deal
with the devil stealing a fate for myself that would plunge me into a pit of darkness
I never once entered or cowered to the almighty ruler and run away from all self-righteousness
this is hope in the ashes with Sean Fay
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chapter 2 total meltdown
when I was growing up I never held an idea of there being a time my parents would no
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longer be together I just thought whatever happened was the norm and they would figure
things out somewhere down the road there were ups and downs just like any other marriage
but I never realized what was going on was ever meant to be the standard I remember my
former therapist Jim sharing with me what he noticed from his other clients dealing
with divorce it is so much more peaceful on the other side since the bickering and arguing
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is over and everyone can go back to living a simple life without any stressors around
in the household while I find that to be the absolute truth I sometimes become disgruntled
at the idea our family is now like so many others broken and unrepairable since that
day in 2022 he's only seen red that's the only color he sees he always claimed his
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favorite color was green I know that's fucking bullshit through the ebb and flow of our relationship
I always believed there was some level of genuinity from him he did nice things for me and I eventually
did nice things for him when I was of age to buy shit on my own living in New England
the Boston area is the hotbed he took me to a Red Sox game when I was very young remember
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we sat in the right field roof seats sat at a table a great stadium food I was scared
of Wally the green monster I've had my fair share of phobias some I grew out of some I
may never clowns mascots car washes water dogs rain to name some anyway that game was
when an army friend of his and his wife were in town visiting us he and his wife are great
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I haven't seen them since they visited around 20 years ago or so last I knew he worked as
a contractor in Illinois making a pretty good bank however that was what I last heard from
my father and now I never have a clue if anything he ever told us was a truth or lie sadly he
is slightly involved in an event later which was the beginning of the deterioration of
my father and I's relationship eventually came my first Celtics and Patriots games the
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paths as New Englanders call them I was an avid sports fan for a while really when politics
became a mainstay in each sport that's when I was turned off from them when I was in elementary
school sports center was always on the first thing when I woke up in the morning that's
how I hold so much knowledge of 2000 sports my brain still however one sport always stuck
out to me and still does today auto racing has always been an interest of mine I don't
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think there was any initial reason for it there's so many things that grew interested in which
I cannot think of one reason why I don't know maybe I'll think of one eventually I've
been big into NASCAR I was hot on formula one briefly but I eventually fell back to NASCAR
as I was getting involved with the game NASCAR Racing 2003 season or an R 2003 that came
in its community or lack thereof generated its own set of dilemmas for me I was eventually
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led to my own demise and pushed out of a league by two guys I really respected solely because
they didn't like me anymore yeah that shit got toxic really quick the game was great for
the first half of its lifetime before I hopped in and there's still some great people in
there today but from what I saw over the six years I was in it it began to collapse into
the pit of evil it is today egos deception and sheer dominance of one another there's
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absolutely no teamwork with them it's just mayhem for my ninth birthday my parents decided
to buy me tickets to my first ever race on June 4th 2007 I attended the autism speaks
400% by visa at the Dover international Speedway in Delaware well they could have picked a race
in New Hampshire motor Speedway much closer to us than Dover it's obvious to me autism
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had something to do with it whether my dad in a sick fashion wanted to stick autism up
my ass or my parents just merely picked it because I had autism and the mere relation
wasn't meant to be any dig at me I still have no clue to this day regardless I was excited
to see an NASCAR race for the first time really it was the only time I've ever seen an NASCAR
race in my 26 years on this planet I didn't get to see a race held by the superstar racing
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experience at nearby Stafford Motor Speedway just a half hour away from me in 2023 it was
really cool I went to the race in Dover with my dad and another one of his friends one
from high school he became my godfather when I was born and now he sadly dead to me my dad
flying at nearly 100 miles per hour because he could got us down to Delaware nearly half
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the time it was supposed to six hours ended up becoming three and a half we stayed at
the best Western in Newark just under an hour north of the track sadly race day ended up
being postponed due to rain that posed an issue as my dad had gotten the days off for
the trip and needed to work the next day that meant we had to head home for him to get to
work I was crushed actually I was completely destroyed the first race ever went to just
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had to get canceled I was sobbing just beside myself that's when my dad said fuck it and
then ended up calling out sick the next day and got our hotel room back for one more day
so we could see the rays to a degree I was shocked at my ploy to stay one more day ended
up working knowing my dad no usually meant no we had to stick to his plan at all costs
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this time he finally saw the hurt I was in maybe his cold soul warmed up just enough
to see my pain and correct it really after realizing what I was going through with him
I only see the branch for which my elation extends from he probably didn't call it sick
solely because he wanted me to be happy really that's only where it starts it wasn't just
to make me happy it was to on top of that create a good deed he knew would further feed his
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craving for feel good porn he could spew to his buddies at work most often it was never
just to be a good father and please his son there was a further benefit that's really
what would motivate him to do things that benefit wasn't there the good deed was off
the table with no exceptions whatsoever regardless I was so elated to get to see what NASCAR was
all about in person I am not at all ungrateful for seeing that race it's just what I see
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looking back that leaves that nasty taste in my mouth even if it may not have been true
oddly enough I don't recall much of it at all the only events that stuck out to me were
sitting in the stands that Sunday hoping for the rain to stop then I remember on rain out
Monday having the sun shining directly in my eyes so in all the pictures of me that day
I was squinting so I could see past the bright light in front of me I do remember Martin
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Truex Jr. from Mayanna, New Jersey scoring his first ever career win on that day I have
pictures of his burnouts and him and victory lane sadly his marriage ended with his wife
of long Sherry Pollack just a couple months after my father left eventually nine months
after Truex and Pollack separated she died in September 2023 after losing her battle
with ovarian cancer one thing I definitely don't remember is a big loss that day Bill
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Frans Jr the CEO of NASCAR at the time and son of NASCAR's founder Bill Frans Sr. died
that very day I was at Dover literally have no recollection of that but it happened I knew
I had so much fun being a part of something I always dreamed of doing I still dream of
hopping in a car racing myself hopefully someday I could go through so many other things my
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dad and I had done together but the point of trying to drive home is he did do things
for me even if they were often centered around his own itinerary there were times I got to
do cool things however when it came to going somewhere or doing something with him that
was a different story I was never inclined to do anything with him as I tended to find
him very annoying at times while it could be attributed to simple childish reasonings
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I now realize those reasonings really stem from his personality first off when he would
ask me to go somewhere with him he would always force the outcome he desired it would always
go like this hey you want to run a home Depot with me and get some shit I need for the gym
not really I would respond after the gaping pause I don't give a shit pack your stuff
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they're coming with me like why the fuck would you ask me to go with you if you're going
to make me do it anyways well it was a test was that going to give him what he knew was
the correct answer every wrong answer led to him forcing his desired outcome on me as
if he was sick of hearing no I would always pause for a substantial time because I knew
I really didn't want to go with him a because I was admittedly in folding and whatever I
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was doing video games personal stuff etc and be I wasn't in the mood to hear him bitch
and complain about every single thing that wouldn't go his way he was nearly always
in a shit mood about something it was never genuinely happy at all what I later realized
was chronic now I come to the end of 2021 at this point for some nonsensical reason I
can't recall currently my dad decided I was a piece of shit low life a failure and would
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be a seller dweller for the rest of my life he randomly came up with this mantra about
me nearly out of thin air maybe it was because I quit my job delivering Amazon packages their
inhumane bullshit procedures caused me to spray my left ankle while hustling down a slope
driveway that alone was a pretty scary experience for me as I obviously never really broke any
bones or anything like that before when I got back up after falling to the ground it was
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a very weird feeling not being able to walk under your own power I just knew I was fucking
done after that day Amazon pushes their delivery drivers to try to complete their delivery routes
in such unrealistic time frames and then shame you for not doing so I and everyone else know
that due to the 100% turnover rate that job has every person hired ends up leaving UPS
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FedEx and even the postal service don't nearly see that much turnover unless I'm horribly
wrong honestly the treatment and behavior you receive from Amazon is eerily similar
to what my father seems to love it enjoy the one thing I can't say is the company I worked
with wasn't like that at all they did their best things became so frigid that fall for
someone as conflict-evoided as I am this was my worst nightmare I never wanted to have
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the relationship with my dad or mom ever get to as low of a place as it did the rest of
that year my dad and I were not speaking to each other period he wasn't because he was
so entrenched within his newly established paradox where I was a failure he couldn't
handle that weight let alone the 300 he carried he would claim it was all muscle the rest of
us knew it wasn't I was eerily similar to the gray hairs he grew which he called blonde
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highlights I wasn't talking to him purely as a void in
some of the problem there's fight flight and freeze I had a minute it the freeze has
always been my stronghold having the balls to stand up to immediate conflict has always
been something I've wanted to manage effectively never could face up to it I tend to fall into
the category of all talk no action always act macho and private then coward once the
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pressure arises sometimes I believe it's because of my good guy complex of always lived by
other times I believe it's because I'm afraid of stammering and looking like a fucking idiot
which would therefore make me feel like a fucking idiot for even saying anything thus
creating this dreaded cycle I've inhabited for so long
Thanksgiving was where everything hit the floor we were sitting at our small table in
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the kitchen at our house in hand then I finally had to face my father after all our forbearance
from connection even better I was sitting next to him my mom and brother was sitting across
from us it was relatively quiet for a bit then out of nowhere and my father proceeded
to utter something I now see is nothing other than an adult temper tantrum as well as a
cry out for a repungent response talk don't go Casey earlier today we paused he said everything
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was going well kids are alright he asked how Daniel was doing told me he was doing good
he asked me how Sean was doing he paused again remember I'm in freeze mode so I'm paralyzed
by everything he's saying wanted to tell me was doing good but since he's a college
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dropout and a failure I know what else to say to him Uncle Casey is his army friend
I mentioned earlier for the record really we were all paralyzed at what he had just said
I didn't want to believe he really told him that but I don't know for fact it was one
of the most bizarre grotesque moments I had ever experienced times I tell me it was calculated
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I don't know what shit he asked calculator he was using but obviously it didn't get
him through the school of hard knocks I was so bewildered between him referring to me
in the third person when I was sitting right next to him which could have been him talking
directly to my mom and the pause is he inserted this was where I was beginning to sense a
rapid shift in our relationship this was unlike anything he had done before it was like I
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was entering a realm I would never come back from little did I know he was doing this shit
to my mom for nearly the entire time they've known each other the rest of that Thanksgiving
slowed to a crawl and now reminded it was the final Thanksgiving we had together as
a family this was the linchpin for the depreciation and value our relationship had I still recall
going to my five-year high school reunion the day after that frightful night everything
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around me went dark for what felt like a while but really it was about a month or so since
my father had put me in the basement it was fairly easy for me to hide out for that duration
of time like I mentioned earlier we wouldn't even say hi to each other even when he could
open the door and shout down to me he wouldn't even do that I would act normal when he wasn't
home but the second he arrived I would run downstairs and shut the door behind me that's
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a determined that was to avoid him that darkness was met with a blast at the door the night
of January 14th 2022 it was the night before the start of my dad's golden gloves boxing
tournament he ran every January and February I was his sound manager as he titled me not
music director or even audio production manager fucking sound manager anyway I was out delivering
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door-dash uber eats and grub hub orders as I grew to love doing at the time it got me
decent money to get by but I loved listening to music while doing it I was delivering a
door-dash order for a large pizza from big why the grocery chain I mentioned earlier
I worked at I had to deliver it to a house on the street off Wilburham Road in Hamden
which wasn't that far from home at the time I pulled up to the person's house got out
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of my car got the pizza left it on the person's front foyer took the picture I needed for
door-dash and started walking back to my car at this moment my phone vibrated I looked
at it and immediately felt my innards contort you're turning into a real fucking winner
thanks for touching base to see if I needed anything for the golden gloves of starts tomorrow
I thought you would have come to the gym to get your shit together for tomorrow rather
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than sleep don't want a clock do I need to find another DJ for the golden gloves oh fuck
here we go that was my reaction to seeing his bombastic approach to parenting that's
when I decided I had enough I was tired of being hurled down into a feces filled abyss
every fucking time he doesn't like what I'm doing all the torment I went through needed
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to end tonight everyone has their fucking moment this was it for me so I fired back
well you're turning into a real winner too I've been waiting all week for you to give
me updates let me know what's going on with everything you know when are we setting up
when do I have to be there things like that but clearly you couldn't be bothered to let
me know if you would have just waited until tonight I was going to ask you since you couldn't
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be bothered to let me know you know I'm around to I don't always have to come to you to know
things I know things have been the best lately but I'm really getting sick and tired of you
blatantly ignoring my presence lately just because I don't come upstairs all the time
doesn't mean you can't give me a shout downstairs and acknowledge me ever so often whatever happened
to that I just got that job with Amazon you should be happy with that and it seems that
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doesn't satisfy you either now's the time I need your support no matter what happens
we always love each other your negativity your petty bullshit doesn't get us anywhere
I can't move forward if you're pushing me back I would like your support so I can get
back on my feet I'm done with what's been going on now it's time for you to move forward
too so that being said what time do I have to show up for and where then my father continued
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no it doesn't it actually disgusts me you're such a smart kid with your entire path locked
in you failed at a school and can't hold a job I have failed as a father while beginning
to feel the intensity of the exchange I chimed back you had me do music for the kids and
everything worked fine that's for you to think and maybe I failed as a son too but
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there's still time to fix things I'm willing to move forward and I'm hoping you will do
the same at this rate I was doing anything I could to stop the bleeding did I really
think I failed as a son no but if it meant it would get him to stop and come to a truce
that was my goal he came back five years ago you had the world by the balls he wasn't
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wrong I responded I did and now I'm going to get that back then he shouted back to me
like a five-year-old asking his parent for a toy he really wanted please please please
I rendered another feeling of peculiarity similar to the Thanksgiving shit show a couple
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months before here I made my declaration you have my promise but unfortunate transfer of
power was a huge victory for me I was continuing to stand up to him sure it could have held
back said nothing and stuck to my initial plan of talking to him when I got home but
desperate times call for desperate measures I've learned not to be the case in so many
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moments of good and bad I couldn't take it anymore it had to stop once the Golden Gloves
Tournament commenced nothing really seemed to change in any drastic form with most families
any misbehavior would be dealt with then after there would be a more graceful period
on the other side from hell back to heaven with my father was never like that held to
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heaven would really be held to nothing I guess there was never redemption with him after
I fucked up it was never whatever not that statement but the action he would just not
give a fuck plain and simple so I'm sure you could imagine the perplexity I had to live
with of never knowing whether I was doing something right or wrong if he wasn't screaming
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like an idiot at me I guess I was doing something right I'll show get that one when I began
to look for jobs again I eventually found an opportunity to do as I did with my post-secondary
education I was set to begin work this time at an Amazon redistribution center in Connecticut
however my dad offered me a job from a guy he knew at a printing press close to home
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while I had every intention of starting the new Amazon gig I sat one day and entered
thought I could do this Amazon job I'm kind of not really excited for or I could take
this job he offered to me maybe it'll even make him happier for doing that maybe this
will allow us to rekindle a relationship and get back on the right track maybe even he'll
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help me get out of my own it was not that moment I committed in similar fashion to college
to doing one more thing that might make him happy needless to say well the job itself was
good for me at the time I absolutely have horde having to sweep the floor when you have
nothing to do for a whole eight hour day you want to talk about hell there you have it
however it wasn't common I had nothing to do usually I was stripping paper for projects
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that came off the printing presses one thing I loved doing was feeding projects through
a gluer a long metal contraption which would literally as the name of it says glue parts
of a project together into a finished result some would hate having to stand and feed a
gluer for part or all of the day I just loved it because it was the easiest thing to do
I didn't need one kid younger than me who really helped me navigate that place each
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day thank God for him I hope he's building himself a bakery as he kept telling me he
always wanted to do all by a wedding cake from them I worked at that printing press
for nearly eight months until I took another job delivering groceries for another grocery
chain stop and shop that job didn't last long at all due to the stress induced by what
eventually happened I guess over 4,000 words or so I'll get on with the PS there is his
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yonce of this book we were living at my mom's childhood home by now again she never wanted
the house to begin with but my dad insisted on buying it because it would make her happy
two months prior I went to give him some money I owed him when I walked upstairs and reached
the kitchen table I overheard an argument going on between them in their bedroom naturally
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I entered freeze mode placed the money on the table briskly hobbled my way into the
bathroom shut the door locked it and sat down on the toilet I didn't have to piss shit
or anything like that and I was just in that paralyzed state I always would be in throughout
those crucial moments all it could decipher from it was my father threatening he was
going to leave from that day on there began to be a mortal stench in the air the doomsday
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clock of my parents' relationship and marriage struck one minute away from midnight and thereby
established a despondent morale for me between that argument and the following November days
grew darker and darker harder and harder my job became difficult to manage since I was
constantly on alert for when the nuclear missile was about to strike ground people began to
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be harder to deal with as my blood began to drown me it boiled to the top of my head changes
within my body began to be so seismic I didn't know whether I was stuck in a nightmare or
trying to grasp on the reality that was the feeling I would have for a long time after
that day 11 22 22 it was the 326th day of the 47th Tuesday of the 48th week of that
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year I had no clue what was coming I went to work no problem I was stressed about my shitty
ass car and not having any heat in it could you believe I froze my ass off two full winters
without heat fuck anyway I had reached the end of another day while I was waiting my
turn to punch out I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket every time my phone would vibrate
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I always feared it would be something going down at home when I pulled out my phone I
saw the beginning of a chain of text messages between myself my father and my brother instantly
my heart rate spiked eyes dilated blood pressure rose this was it this was the end the missile
had made contact and imploded chaos was ensuing I punched out rapidly walked to my car sat
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down shut the door turn the car on and opened my phone to see what my future held my father
sent us this message guys I'll always love you will never turn my back on either of you
but I am leaving the house your mother is going to make me out to be the bad guy and
that's fine there has been so many things that has happened through the years and I
took it for too long I don't want you to know so much and see your mother in a different
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way just know I'll always love you both very much and will always be there for you I will
always ensure you have what you need I promise my brother responds love you too my dad adds
this I'll always love you and be here for you always my brother finally came to his
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senses and asked him about his convictions are you making mom look like the bad guy I
have heard pretty much all of what you guys argued about I really think that is sort of
no offense but I think it's a mutual thing my dad responding to him begins to utter one
of the statements he would repeat a lot throughout the divorce process there are so many things
that you just don't know about I don't want you to look at your mother in any different
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way she loves you very much and so do I this separation has nothing to do with you and your
brother it's been a long time coming and you and your brother are old enough to understand
that not everything is perfect we have both main mistakes but some I just can't look
past just know that this has nothing to do with either of you and I am not walking away
from you or your brother I will always make sure you both are taking care of and have
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everything you need my brother still confused responded why are you walking away from mom
though I know you won't turn your back on us but us includes mom my father came back
with this trust is the most important thing in a relationship without trust it won't
work and she has lied to me too many times and I just can't trust her anymore I don't
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want to tell you all the lies because I don't want you to look at your mother any differently
if she wants to make me look like the bad guy to make yourself feel better that's fine
I will never leave her defend for herself I always make sure she and you guys had a roof
over your head but it's about time for her to see what it's like to have to go to work
every day and earn a paycheck that can only be stretched so far my brother replies she
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has never made you out to be the bad guy at all after realizing there was no turning back
from what occurred I entered a certain zone where my focus became so potent my inhibitions
cease to exist I was locked in I knew what my father needed to do to repair his relationship
with our family I also knew he refused to complete any of the necessary tasks I was
about to point out to him I had enough I was done so after everything around me faded into
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the backdrop I lasered in and engaged how can you honestly say you will never turn your
back on us when everything we ever do is a problem to you she's been doing everything
you've asked her to do she's got a job now she's in school now she's been keeping the
house clean I've been pitching in more as well all of that and you're still not satisfied
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I tell you I finally got myself a new job that's better for me and all you could do
is bury your hands in your face not a good job not an I'm happy or proud of you everything
is negativity with you we give you an inch you want a mile it's never enough with you
and here you are instead of trying to bend things together and fix the cracks you want
to say it's broken and walk away that's not a protector that's a coward maybe there
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are some things I don't know about the two of you but it sure as hell seems like you
would rather leave it broken and fix it if you're going through something what is so
wrong with talking with us about it better yet talk about it with someone who will listen
to you contrary to what you may think you wonder why we don't talk to you because everything
we ever tell you is negative and on top of that everything is always your way and no
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one else's if it's a midlife crisis we can help deal with it so long as you communicate
with us and be cordial I think finding someone else to talk to you would be helpful as well
you don't want to do anything to better yourself and our family then you can't honestly tell
Daniel mom and myself you're always there for us because right now you're not it was
true I told him about my new job and all he could do was hide himself from whatever bullshit
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shame he had fucking pathetic after I dropped that counter my brother praised me I agreed
with everything you just said bub every last word next my father utters two more monotonous
claims negligently clutched on to throughout the divorce process all right she's obviously
coach you everything you have is because of me there are so many things that have happened
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that you know nothing about what happened still no one else to this day not even my mom my
brother goes back to town with him she has never said anything bad about you never I
only feel these things due to what I see and hear around you and mom I'm not being coached
I would never allow myself to be told what to think I have my own feelings and I don't
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tolerate people telling me how to feel now for my turn things you don't want to tell
us you know you could tell us anything you want but instead it's always stuff you don't
know nobody is saying you're the bad guy but your actions are dictating how things are
going now all of this can be worked out by simple conversation instead you want to walk
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away you saying obviously she's coached you already shows you clearly don't want to be
any part of our family you'd rather point fingers elsewhere and deflect any blame off
of you people screw up it's normal what isn't normal is blaming others instead of taking
ownership of the things you did wrong yourself I'm sure the both of you have done each other
wrong at times she's always known up to her faults you have yet to I've screwed up with
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things myself own up to it it's normal to do that and I don't understand how it can
be so hard for you to do the same my brother then added to what I said exactly I could
say that too I have trouble owning up to what I did but I still try to be better in the
future I come back in you raised Daniel and I all these years to be respectful responsible
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courteous no right from wrong it seems like you don't even take your own advice it makes
no sense how someone who's made in his life to raise champion adults can't even be one
yourself my father had to be spinning himself into pluribus sterical circles because all
he could come up with was this you have no idea that's all he could say not shit you're
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right or I will do what is best for all of us to get the help I need not even I'm sorry
just intolerable childlike screaming through a text message on a cell phone what the fuck
I then became done feeding into his destructive cycle I knew at this point he clearly wasn't
going to come back around and realize what he needed to change so I had no choice but
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to deal in the blow all of us can change for the better when you make the decision yourself
to better our lives but most importantly yours that's all that needs to happen here no I
don't think you do I've had an idea for the past 15 years just because things haven't
gone how you want it this is what you have to do you have to just run away from the problem
instead of pushing issues aside for the betterment of your family figuring out what needs to be
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done to ensure your family is protected and secure I'm not going to keep going around
in circles it's not hard once you commit to repairing whatever you're dealing with
in your head or whatever you think is wrong things are going to get any better for any
of us I still can't describe how I felt after
pathetically dealing with my demented Borsh father I guess it was similar to the freeze
(31:39):
feeling I mentioned earlier there's another layer added right on top like a cherry on
a Sunday my father wasn't going to be home he will never be home never again the man
who spent 24 years of his life trying to build me into a man who could conquer the world
and show everyone people with a diagnosis like I have can survive in this world will
no longer be there at the end of the night getting married buying my first house seeing
(32:04):
the birth of my first child and the second all will never include him not only will he
not be included but he will also be barred from the premises will never see my wife kids
and my house you will never have a reason to my wife and kids will never have a reason
to see him their grandfather will not be lonely be imaginary you know what it'll be alright
(32:30):
because my wife and kids won't be antagonized by him nor by me ever when I arrived home
noticing his truck wasn't there I gingerly walked to our door not knowing what I would
walk into when I opened the door I noticed my mom was distraught she exclaimed to me
that my father was bitching at her because she got a letter in the mail from a local
courthouse notifying her of a default judgment against her for a credit line she had from
(32:54):
the shopping site finger hut after going back and forth with him she told him she could
go to the gym and bring the paper with her so they could figure out what to do he then
told her if you show up at the gym I will have you trespassed and arrested on the spot
I had never thought in my entire lifetime he would make such a threat to her shockingly
he was never physical with my mom during their marriage so this was already unsettling enough
(33:19):
from there my mom snapped and told him to get a shit and get the fuck out after he resisted
she told him I'll pack his shit and have it ready at the door for you it took 28 years
of courage for her to finally proclaim that to him that led to the texting exchange my
brother and I got into with him after I went downstairs I broke down sobbed cried paced
(33:40):
back and forth and fought through every minute this new reality protrude before I wrestled
around this newly found grief for the rest of the night later my dad got his shit and
he was gone forever I haven't seen him since that day and I never want to see him again
grief is interesting well I mean this phantom grief I now hold it feels like a death because
(34:04):
in a way it is that day I finally had to accept he was never going to get the help he needed
to be a strong healthy figure for our family instead he was making a heinous decision to
run along his erroneous narratives where we were coached this was a long time coming and
that everything we have is because of him on top of that I'm now a piece of shit college
dropout who needs to be taught a lesson in humanity next I'll get into how we made that
(34:28):
exact claim yet humanity is now making a lesson out of him instead his projections gaslighting
manipulations and domination all which would only feed his self-indulgence could be no
more for the sake of my mom brother and myself for the sake of our mental and physical health
couldn't afford to deal with his fucked up bullshit anymore so we said no more
I didn't know if I I always could just picture even now it's like you hear all these voices
(00:21):
of people saying you know you're a piece of shit you're this you're that you know you
talk weird you talk funny you know it most people here sending me back even further right
now I'm deeply aware of the emptiness that consumes me day by day I battled to be where
I've always wanted to be at 26 years old I imagine living independently with someone
by my side this book to stand the test of time as a memoir which showcases how a 26
(00:45):
year old recluse hurting soul analyzes the life he lived before one which he sees so many
obvious outcome of that decision would render it became a decision between making a deal
with the devil stealing a fate for myself that would plunge me into a pit of darkness
I never once entered or cowered to the almighty ruler and run away from all self-righteousness
this is hope in the ashes with Sean Fay
(01:33):
chapter 2 total meltdown
when I was growing up I never held an idea of there being a time my parents would no
(01:56):
longer be together I just thought whatever happened was the norm and they would figure
things out somewhere down the road there were ups and downs just like any other marriage
but I never realized what was going on was ever meant to be the standard I remember my
former therapist Jim sharing with me what he noticed from his other clients dealing
with divorce it is so much more peaceful on the other side since the bickering and arguing
(02:18):
is over and everyone can go back to living a simple life without any stressors around
in the household while I find that to be the absolute truth I sometimes become disgruntled
at the idea our family is now like so many others broken and unrepairable since that
day in 2022 he's only seen red that's the only color he sees he always claimed his
(02:39):
favorite color was green I know that's fucking bullshit through the ebb and flow of our relationship
I always believed there was some level of genuinity from him he did nice things for me and I eventually
did nice things for him when I was of age to buy shit on my own living in New England
the Boston area is the hotbed he took me to a Red Sox game when I was very young remember
(02:59):
we sat in the right field roof seats sat at a table a great stadium food I was scared
of Wally the green monster I've had my fair share of phobias some I grew out of some I
may never clowns mascots car washes water dogs rain to name some anyway that game was
when an army friend of his and his wife were in town visiting us he and his wife are great
(03:22):
I haven't seen them since they visited around 20 years ago or so last I knew he worked as
a contractor in Illinois making a pretty good bank however that was what I last heard from
my father and now I never have a clue if anything he ever told us was a truth or lie sadly he
is slightly involved in an event later which was the beginning of the deterioration of
my father and I's relationship eventually came my first Celtics and Patriots games the
(03:46):
paths as New Englanders call them I was an avid sports fan for a while really when politics
became a mainstay in each sport that's when I was turned off from them when I was in elementary
school sports center was always on the first thing when I woke up in the morning that's
how I hold so much knowledge of 2000 sports my brain still however one sport always stuck
out to me and still does today auto racing has always been an interest of mine I don't
(04:10):
think there was any initial reason for it there's so many things that grew interested in which
I cannot think of one reason why I don't know maybe I'll think of one eventually I've
been big into NASCAR I was hot on formula one briefly but I eventually fell back to NASCAR
as I was getting involved with the game NASCAR Racing 2003 season or an R 2003 that came
in its community or lack thereof generated its own set of dilemmas for me I was eventually
(04:34):
led to my own demise and pushed out of a league by two guys I really respected solely because
they didn't like me anymore yeah that shit got toxic really quick the game was great for
the first half of its lifetime before I hopped in and there's still some great people in
there today but from what I saw over the six years I was in it it began to collapse into
the pit of evil it is today egos deception and sheer dominance of one another there's
(04:59):
absolutely no teamwork with them it's just mayhem for my ninth birthday my parents decided
to buy me tickets to my first ever race on June 4th 2007 I attended the autism speaks
400% by visa at the Dover international Speedway in Delaware well they could have picked a race
in New Hampshire motor Speedway much closer to us than Dover it's obvious to me autism
(05:21):
had something to do with it whether my dad in a sick fashion wanted to stick autism up
my ass or my parents just merely picked it because I had autism and the mere relation
wasn't meant to be any dig at me I still have no clue to this day regardless I was excited
to see an NASCAR race for the first time really it was the only time I've ever seen an NASCAR
race in my 26 years on this planet I didn't get to see a race held by the superstar racing
(05:44):
experience at nearby Stafford Motor Speedway just a half hour away from me in 2023 it was
really cool I went to the race in Dover with my dad and another one of his friends one
from high school he became my godfather when I was born and now he sadly dead to me my dad
flying at nearly 100 miles per hour because he could got us down to Delaware nearly half
(06:06):
the time it was supposed to six hours ended up becoming three and a half we stayed at
the best Western in Newark just under an hour north of the track sadly race day ended up
being postponed due to rain that posed an issue as my dad had gotten the days off for
the trip and needed to work the next day that meant we had to head home for him to get to
work I was crushed actually I was completely destroyed the first race ever went to just
(06:31):
had to get canceled I was sobbing just beside myself that's when my dad said fuck it and
then ended up calling out sick the next day and got our hotel room back for one more day
so we could see the rays to a degree I was shocked at my ploy to stay one more day ended
up working knowing my dad no usually meant no we had to stick to his plan at all costs
(06:53):
this time he finally saw the hurt I was in maybe his cold soul warmed up just enough
to see my pain and correct it really after realizing what I was going through with him
I only see the branch for which my elation extends from he probably didn't call it sick
solely because he wanted me to be happy really that's only where it starts it wasn't just
to make me happy it was to on top of that create a good deed he knew would further feed his
(07:17):
craving for feel good porn he could spew to his buddies at work most often it was never
just to be a good father and please his son there was a further benefit that's really
what would motivate him to do things that benefit wasn't there the good deed was off
the table with no exceptions whatsoever regardless I was so elated to get to see what NASCAR was
all about in person I am not at all ungrateful for seeing that race it's just what I see
(07:43):
looking back that leaves that nasty taste in my mouth even if it may not have been true
oddly enough I don't recall much of it at all the only events that stuck out to me were
sitting in the stands that Sunday hoping for the rain to stop then I remember on rain out
Monday having the sun shining directly in my eyes so in all the pictures of me that day
I was squinting so I could see past the bright light in front of me I do remember Martin
(08:06):
Truex Jr. from Mayanna, New Jersey scoring his first ever career win on that day I have
pictures of his burnouts and him and victory lane sadly his marriage ended with his wife
of long Sherry Pollack just a couple months after my father left eventually nine months
after Truex and Pollack separated she died in September 2023 after losing her battle
with ovarian cancer one thing I definitely don't remember is a big loss that day Bill
(08:31):
Frans Jr the CEO of NASCAR at the time and son of NASCAR's founder Bill Frans Sr. died
that very day I was at Dover literally have no recollection of that but it happened I knew
I had so much fun being a part of something I always dreamed of doing I still dream of
hopping in a car racing myself hopefully someday I could go through so many other things my
(08:53):
dad and I had done together but the point of trying to drive home is he did do things
for me even if they were often centered around his own itinerary there were times I got to
do cool things however when it came to going somewhere or doing something with him that
was a different story I was never inclined to do anything with him as I tended to find
him very annoying at times while it could be attributed to simple childish reasonings
(09:15):
I now realize those reasonings really stem from his personality first off when he would
ask me to go somewhere with him he would always force the outcome he desired it would always
go like this hey you want to run a home Depot with me and get some shit I need for the gym
not really I would respond after the gaping pause I don't give a shit pack your stuff
(09:36):
they're coming with me like why the fuck would you ask me to go with you if you're going
to make me do it anyways well it was a test was that going to give him what he knew was
the correct answer every wrong answer led to him forcing his desired outcome on me as
if he was sick of hearing no I would always pause for a substantial time because I knew
I really didn't want to go with him a because I was admittedly in folding and whatever I
(09:59):
was doing video games personal stuff etc and be I wasn't in the mood to hear him bitch
and complain about every single thing that wouldn't go his way he was nearly always
in a shit mood about something it was never genuinely happy at all what I later realized
was chronic now I come to the end of 2021 at this point for some nonsensical reason I
can't recall currently my dad decided I was a piece of shit low life a failure and would
(10:24):
be a seller dweller for the rest of my life he randomly came up with this mantra about
me nearly out of thin air maybe it was because I quit my job delivering Amazon packages their
inhumane bullshit procedures caused me to spray my left ankle while hustling down a slope
driveway that alone was a pretty scary experience for me as I obviously never really broke any
bones or anything like that before when I got back up after falling to the ground it was
(10:49):
a very weird feeling not being able to walk under your own power I just knew I was fucking
done after that day Amazon pushes their delivery drivers to try to complete their delivery routes
in such unrealistic time frames and then shame you for not doing so I and everyone else know
that due to the 100% turnover rate that job has every person hired ends up leaving UPS
(11:10):
FedEx and even the postal service don't nearly see that much turnover unless I'm horribly
wrong honestly the treatment and behavior you receive from Amazon is eerily similar
to what my father seems to love it enjoy the one thing I can't say is the company I worked
with wasn't like that at all they did their best things became so frigid that fall for
someone as conflict-evoided as I am this was my worst nightmare I never wanted to have
(11:34):
the relationship with my dad or mom ever get to as low of a place as it did the rest of
that year my dad and I were not speaking to each other period he wasn't because he was
so entrenched within his newly established paradox where I was a failure he couldn't
handle that weight let alone the 300 he carried he would claim it was all muscle the rest of
us knew it wasn't I was eerily similar to the gray hairs he grew which he called blonde
(11:59):
highlights I wasn't talking to him purely as a void in
some of the problem there's fight flight and freeze I had a minute it the freeze has
always been my stronghold having the balls to stand up to immediate conflict has always
been something I've wanted to manage effectively never could face up to it I tend to fall into
the category of all talk no action always act macho and private then coward once the
(12:23):
pressure arises sometimes I believe it's because of my good guy complex of always lived by
other times I believe it's because I'm afraid of stammering and looking like a fucking idiot
which would therefore make me feel like a fucking idiot for even saying anything thus
creating this dreaded cycle I've inhabited for so long
Thanksgiving was where everything hit the floor we were sitting at our small table in
(12:43):
the kitchen at our house in hand then I finally had to face my father after all our forbearance
from connection even better I was sitting next to him my mom and brother was sitting across
from us it was relatively quiet for a bit then out of nowhere and my father proceeded
to utter something I now see is nothing other than an adult temper tantrum as well as a
cry out for a repungent response talk don't go Casey earlier today we paused he said everything
(13:11):
was going well kids are alright he asked how Daniel was doing told me he was doing good
he asked me how Sean was doing he paused again remember I'm in freeze mode so I'm paralyzed
by everything he's saying wanted to tell me was doing good but since he's a college
(13:33):
dropout and a failure I know what else to say to him Uncle Casey is his army friend
I mentioned earlier for the record really we were all paralyzed at what he had just said
I didn't want to believe he really told him that but I don't know for fact it was one
of the most bizarre grotesque moments I had ever experienced times I tell me it was calculated
(13:56):
I don't know what shit he asked calculator he was using but obviously it didn't get
him through the school of hard knocks I was so bewildered between him referring to me
in the third person when I was sitting right next to him which could have been him talking
directly to my mom and the pause is he inserted this was where I was beginning to sense a
rapid shift in our relationship this was unlike anything he had done before it was like I
(14:17):
was entering a realm I would never come back from little did I know he was doing this shit
to my mom for nearly the entire time they've known each other the rest of that Thanksgiving
slowed to a crawl and now reminded it was the final Thanksgiving we had together as
a family this was the linchpin for the depreciation and value our relationship had I still recall
going to my five-year high school reunion the day after that frightful night everything
(14:41):
around me went dark for what felt like a while but really it was about a month or so since
my father had put me in the basement it was fairly easy for me to hide out for that duration
of time like I mentioned earlier we wouldn't even say hi to each other even when he could
open the door and shout down to me he wouldn't even do that I would act normal when he wasn't
home but the second he arrived I would run downstairs and shut the door behind me that's
(15:04):
a determined that was to avoid him that darkness was met with a blast at the door the night
of January 14th 2022 it was the night before the start of my dad's golden gloves boxing
tournament he ran every January and February I was his sound manager as he titled me not
music director or even audio production manager fucking sound manager anyway I was out delivering
(15:29):
door-dash uber eats and grub hub orders as I grew to love doing at the time it got me
decent money to get by but I loved listening to music while doing it I was delivering a
door-dash order for a large pizza from big why the grocery chain I mentioned earlier
I worked at I had to deliver it to a house on the street off Wilburham Road in Hamden
which wasn't that far from home at the time I pulled up to the person's house got out
(15:50):
of my car got the pizza left it on the person's front foyer took the picture I needed for
door-dash and started walking back to my car at this moment my phone vibrated I looked
at it and immediately felt my innards contort you're turning into a real fucking winner
thanks for touching base to see if I needed anything for the golden gloves of starts tomorrow
I thought you would have come to the gym to get your shit together for tomorrow rather
(16:13):
than sleep don't want a clock do I need to find another DJ for the golden gloves oh fuck
here we go that was my reaction to seeing his bombastic approach to parenting that's
when I decided I had enough I was tired of being hurled down into a feces filled abyss
every fucking time he doesn't like what I'm doing all the torment I went through needed
(16:34):
to end tonight everyone has their fucking moment this was it for me so I fired back
well you're turning into a real winner too I've been waiting all week for you to give
me updates let me know what's going on with everything you know when are we setting up
when do I have to be there things like that but clearly you couldn't be bothered to let
me know if you would have just waited until tonight I was going to ask you since you couldn't
(16:56):
be bothered to let me know you know I'm around to I don't always have to come to you to know
things I know things have been the best lately but I'm really getting sick and tired of you
blatantly ignoring my presence lately just because I don't come upstairs all the time
doesn't mean you can't give me a shout downstairs and acknowledge me ever so often whatever happened
to that I just got that job with Amazon you should be happy with that and it seems that
(17:19):
doesn't satisfy you either now's the time I need your support no matter what happens
we always love each other your negativity your petty bullshit doesn't get us anywhere
I can't move forward if you're pushing me back I would like your support so I can get
back on my feet I'm done with what's been going on now it's time for you to move forward
too so that being said what time do I have to show up for and where then my father continued
(17:44):
no it doesn't it actually disgusts me you're such a smart kid with your entire path locked
in you failed at a school and can't hold a job I have failed as a father while beginning
to feel the intensity of the exchange I chimed back you had me do music for the kids and
everything worked fine that's for you to think and maybe I failed as a son too but
(18:07):
there's still time to fix things I'm willing to move forward and I'm hoping you will do
the same at this rate I was doing anything I could to stop the bleeding did I really
think I failed as a son no but if it meant it would get him to stop and come to a truce
that was my goal he came back five years ago you had the world by the balls he wasn't
(18:31):
wrong I responded I did and now I'm going to get that back then he shouted back to me
like a five-year-old asking his parent for a toy he really wanted please please please
I rendered another feeling of peculiarity similar to the Thanksgiving shit show a couple
(18:52):
months before here I made my declaration you have my promise but unfortunate transfer of
power was a huge victory for me I was continuing to stand up to him sure it could have held
back said nothing and stuck to my initial plan of talking to him when I got home but
desperate times call for desperate measures I've learned not to be the case in so many
(19:14):
moments of good and bad I couldn't take it anymore it had to stop once the Golden Gloves
Tournament commenced nothing really seemed to change in any drastic form with most families
any misbehavior would be dealt with then after there would be a more graceful period
on the other side from hell back to heaven with my father was never like that held to
(19:34):
heaven would really be held to nothing I guess there was never redemption with him after
I fucked up it was never whatever not that statement but the action he would just not
give a fuck plain and simple so I'm sure you could imagine the perplexity I had to live
with of never knowing whether I was doing something right or wrong if he wasn't screaming
(19:55):
like an idiot at me I guess I was doing something right I'll show get that one when I began
to look for jobs again I eventually found an opportunity to do as I did with my post-secondary
education I was set to begin work this time at an Amazon redistribution center in Connecticut
however my dad offered me a job from a guy he knew at a printing press close to home
(20:16):
while I had every intention of starting the new Amazon gig I sat one day and entered
thought I could do this Amazon job I'm kind of not really excited for or I could take
this job he offered to me maybe it'll even make him happier for doing that maybe this
will allow us to rekindle a relationship and get back on the right track maybe even he'll
(20:37):
help me get out of my own it was not that moment I committed in similar fashion to college
to doing one more thing that might make him happy needless to say well the job itself was
good for me at the time I absolutely have horde having to sweep the floor when you have
nothing to do for a whole eight hour day you want to talk about hell there you have it
however it wasn't common I had nothing to do usually I was stripping paper for projects
(21:01):
that came off the printing presses one thing I loved doing was feeding projects through
a gluer a long metal contraption which would literally as the name of it says glue parts
of a project together into a finished result some would hate having to stand and feed a
gluer for part or all of the day I just loved it because it was the easiest thing to do
I didn't need one kid younger than me who really helped me navigate that place each
(21:22):
day thank God for him I hope he's building himself a bakery as he kept telling me he
always wanted to do all by a wedding cake from them I worked at that printing press
for nearly eight months until I took another job delivering groceries for another grocery
chain stop and shop that job didn't last long at all due to the stress induced by what
eventually happened I guess over 4,000 words or so I'll get on with the PS there is his
(21:48):
yonce of this book we were living at my mom's childhood home by now again she never wanted
the house to begin with but my dad insisted on buying it because it would make her happy
two months prior I went to give him some money I owed him when I walked upstairs and reached
the kitchen table I overheard an argument going on between them in their bedroom naturally
(22:09):
I entered freeze mode placed the money on the table briskly hobbled my way into the
bathroom shut the door locked it and sat down on the toilet I didn't have to piss shit
or anything like that and I was just in that paralyzed state I always would be in throughout
those crucial moments all it could decipher from it was my father threatening he was
going to leave from that day on there began to be a mortal stench in the air the doomsday
(22:32):
clock of my parents' relationship and marriage struck one minute away from midnight and thereby
established a despondent morale for me between that argument and the following November days
grew darker and darker harder and harder my job became difficult to manage since I was
constantly on alert for when the nuclear missile was about to strike ground people began to
(22:52):
be harder to deal with as my blood began to drown me it boiled to the top of my head changes
within my body began to be so seismic I didn't know whether I was stuck in a nightmare or
trying to grasp on the reality that was the feeling I would have for a long time after
that day 11 22 22 it was the 326th day of the 47th Tuesday of the 48th week of that
(23:15):
year I had no clue what was coming I went to work no problem I was stressed about my shitty
ass car and not having any heat in it could you believe I froze my ass off two full winters
without heat fuck anyway I had reached the end of another day while I was waiting my
turn to punch out I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket every time my phone would vibrate
(23:39):
I always feared it would be something going down at home when I pulled out my phone I
saw the beginning of a chain of text messages between myself my father and my brother instantly
my heart rate spiked eyes dilated blood pressure rose this was it this was the end the missile
had made contact and imploded chaos was ensuing I punched out rapidly walked to my car sat
(24:04):
down shut the door turn the car on and opened my phone to see what my future held my father
sent us this message guys I'll always love you will never turn my back on either of you
but I am leaving the house your mother is going to make me out to be the bad guy and
that's fine there has been so many things that has happened through the years and I
took it for too long I don't want you to know so much and see your mother in a different
(24:28):
way just know I'll always love you both very much and will always be there for you I will
always ensure you have what you need I promise my brother responds love you too my dad adds
this I'll always love you and be here for you always my brother finally came to his
(24:50):
senses and asked him about his convictions are you making mom look like the bad guy I
have heard pretty much all of what you guys argued about I really think that is sort of
no offense but I think it's a mutual thing my dad responding to him begins to utter one
of the statements he would repeat a lot throughout the divorce process there are so many things
that you just don't know about I don't want you to look at your mother in any different
(25:13):
way she loves you very much and so do I this separation has nothing to do with you and your
brother it's been a long time coming and you and your brother are old enough to understand
that not everything is perfect we have both main mistakes but some I just can't look
past just know that this has nothing to do with either of you and I am not walking away
from you or your brother I will always make sure you both are taking care of and have
(25:36):
everything you need my brother still confused responded why are you walking away from mom
though I know you won't turn your back on us but us includes mom my father came back
with this trust is the most important thing in a relationship without trust it won't
work and she has lied to me too many times and I just can't trust her anymore I don't
(25:59):
want to tell you all the lies because I don't want you to look at your mother any differently
if she wants to make me look like the bad guy to make yourself feel better that's fine
I will never leave her defend for herself I always make sure she and you guys had a roof
over your head but it's about time for her to see what it's like to have to go to work
every day and earn a paycheck that can only be stretched so far my brother replies she
(26:23):
has never made you out to be the bad guy at all after realizing there was no turning back
from what occurred I entered a certain zone where my focus became so potent my inhibitions
cease to exist I was locked in I knew what my father needed to do to repair his relationship
with our family I also knew he refused to complete any of the necessary tasks I was
about to point out to him I had enough I was done so after everything around me faded into
(26:49):
the backdrop I lasered in and engaged how can you honestly say you will never turn your
back on us when everything we ever do is a problem to you she's been doing everything
you've asked her to do she's got a job now she's in school now she's been keeping the
house clean I've been pitching in more as well all of that and you're still not satisfied
(27:09):
I tell you I finally got myself a new job that's better for me and all you could do
is bury your hands in your face not a good job not an I'm happy or proud of you everything
is negativity with you we give you an inch you want a mile it's never enough with you
and here you are instead of trying to bend things together and fix the cracks you want
to say it's broken and walk away that's not a protector that's a coward maybe there
(27:32):
are some things I don't know about the two of you but it sure as hell seems like you
would rather leave it broken and fix it if you're going through something what is so
wrong with talking with us about it better yet talk about it with someone who will listen
to you contrary to what you may think you wonder why we don't talk to you because everything
we ever tell you is negative and on top of that everything is always your way and no
(27:52):
one else's if it's a midlife crisis we can help deal with it so long as you communicate
with us and be cordial I think finding someone else to talk to you would be helpful as well
you don't want to do anything to better yourself and our family then you can't honestly tell
Daniel mom and myself you're always there for us because right now you're not it was
true I told him about my new job and all he could do was hide himself from whatever bullshit
(28:17):
shame he had fucking pathetic after I dropped that counter my brother praised me I agreed
with everything you just said bub every last word next my father utters two more monotonous
claims negligently clutched on to throughout the divorce process all right she's obviously
coach you everything you have is because of me there are so many things that have happened
(28:41):
that you know nothing about what happened still no one else to this day not even my mom my
brother goes back to town with him she has never said anything bad about you never I
only feel these things due to what I see and hear around you and mom I'm not being coached
I would never allow myself to be told what to think I have my own feelings and I don't
(29:04):
tolerate people telling me how to feel now for my turn things you don't want to tell
us you know you could tell us anything you want but instead it's always stuff you don't
know nobody is saying you're the bad guy but your actions are dictating how things are
going now all of this can be worked out by simple conversation instead you want to walk
(29:25):
away you saying obviously she's coached you already shows you clearly don't want to be
any part of our family you'd rather point fingers elsewhere and deflect any blame off
of you people screw up it's normal what isn't normal is blaming others instead of taking
ownership of the things you did wrong yourself I'm sure the both of you have done each other
wrong at times she's always known up to her faults you have yet to I've screwed up with
(29:47):
things myself own up to it it's normal to do that and I don't understand how it can
be so hard for you to do the same my brother then added to what I said exactly I could
say that too I have trouble owning up to what I did but I still try to be better in the
future I come back in you raised Daniel and I all these years to be respectful responsible
(30:10):
courteous no right from wrong it seems like you don't even take your own advice it makes
no sense how someone who's made in his life to raise champion adults can't even be one
yourself my father had to be spinning himself into pluribus sterical circles because all
he could come up with was this you have no idea that's all he could say not shit you're
(30:33):
right or I will do what is best for all of us to get the help I need not even I'm sorry
just intolerable childlike screaming through a text message on a cell phone what the fuck
I then became done feeding into his destructive cycle I knew at this point he clearly wasn't
going to come back around and realize what he needed to change so I had no choice but
(30:54):
to deal in the blow all of us can change for the better when you make the decision yourself
to better our lives but most importantly yours that's all that needs to happen here no I
don't think you do I've had an idea for the past 15 years just because things haven't
gone how you want it this is what you have to do you have to just run away from the problem
instead of pushing issues aside for the betterment of your family figuring out what needs to be
(31:18):
done to ensure your family is protected and secure I'm not going to keep going around
in circles it's not hard once you commit to repairing whatever you're dealing with
in your head or whatever you think is wrong things are going to get any better for any
of us I still can't describe how I felt after
pathetically dealing with my demented Borsh father I guess it was similar to the freeze
(31:39):
feeling I mentioned earlier there's another layer added right on top like a cherry on
a Sunday my father wasn't going to be home he will never be home never again the man
who spent 24 years of his life trying to build me into a man who could conquer the world
and show everyone people with a diagnosis like I have can survive in this world will
no longer be there at the end of the night getting married buying my first house seeing
(32:04):
the birth of my first child and the second all will never include him not only will he
not be included but he will also be barred from the premises will never see my wife kids
and my house you will never have a reason to my wife and kids will never have a reason
to see him their grandfather will not be lonely be imaginary you know what it'll be alright
(32:30):
because my wife and kids won't be antagonized by him nor by me ever when I arrived home
noticing his truck wasn't there I gingerly walked to our door not knowing what I would
walk into when I opened the door I noticed my mom was distraught she exclaimed to me
that my father was bitching at her because she got a letter in the mail from a local
courthouse notifying her of a default judgment against her for a credit line she had from
(32:54):
the shopping site finger hut after going back and forth with him she told him she could
go to the gym and bring the paper with her so they could figure out what to do he then
told her if you show up at the gym I will have you trespassed and arrested on the spot
I had never thought in my entire lifetime he would make such a threat to her shockingly
he was never physical with my mom during their marriage so this was already unsettling enough
(33:19):
from there my mom snapped and told him to get a shit and get the fuck out after he resisted
she told him I'll pack his shit and have it ready at the door for you it took 28 years
of courage for her to finally proclaim that to him that led to the texting exchange my
brother and I got into with him after I went downstairs I broke down sobbed cried paced
(33:40):
back and forth and fought through every minute this new reality protrude before I wrestled
around this newly found grief for the rest of the night later my dad got his shit and
he was gone forever I haven't seen him since that day and I never want to see him again
grief is interesting well I mean this phantom grief I now hold it feels like a death because
(34:04):
in a way it is that day I finally had to accept he was never going to get the help he needed
to be a strong healthy figure for our family instead he was making a heinous decision to
run along his erroneous narratives where we were coached this was a long time coming and
that everything we have is because of him on top of that I'm now a piece of shit college
dropout who needs to be taught a lesson in humanity next I'll get into how we made that
(34:28):
exact claim yet humanity is now making a lesson out of him instead his projections gaslighting
manipulations and domination all which would only feed his self-indulgence could be no
more for the sake of my mom brother and myself for the sake of our mental and physical health
couldn't afford to deal with his fucked up bullshit anymore so we said no more
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