November 22, 2024 • 23 mins
In this episode, Sean goes through the final email he sent to his father. Content contains explicit language.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
I still can't compute how our lives, with him in it, were able to continue for as long
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as it did.
I'm sure it's a question you ask yourself.
I guess we wanted to believe within every fiber we had he held our best intentions in
mind.
Even if he bitched at us for something we did or he said to make your marriage work and
rebuild a relationship with Daniel and I.
Instead you want to abandon us but also tell us you're not abandoning us.
Nothing with you makes any sense to any of us.
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There's nothing in you and no one around you that will show you what you're doing and
how you're acting is sick, cruel and undignified.
That is one of the saddest parts of my shoes and understand why I did what I did.
I am at the point right now where I'm ready to hand the keys to the gym off, leave my job
and disappear.
It's too hard to live with the pain of seeing what my life has materialized into.
(01:05):
After all I have done to try to get ahead.
The harder it is for everyone who has to deal with you.
You reap what you sow.
That's the lesson you're learning.
You'll disappear but when you do leave this earth I'll at least know where you're going.
Leave us alone and cooperate.
(01:30):
This is Hope in the Ashes with Sean Fay.
Before saying goodbye.
(01:53):
Eight months after contending with my wretched father over the fucking internet, we were
still striving to get by just as we were before.
We needed to stay fed, bathed, clothed, sheltered, all while a reincarnation of Satan himself
remains ravenous of seeing our annihilation fully come to fruition.
This living a life greater than average was the very thing which rendered him spasmodic
(02:13):
in filming at the mouth.
Our living during the seven month process from the first mediation to the last maintained
the same intensity as when he left.
Really, once the dial was cranked to 11, it never went down.
After the first mediation, February 2023, my father held an evil smirk about him.
He had the control he sought to have.
(02:34):
My mom was beside herself trying to figure out how to navigate past this newly birthed
serpent through the lies, conspiracies, deception, gaslighting, what the fuck are we going to
do?
However, by their last meeting there was a paradigm shift.
By then, my mom was content and focused on getting what she and her kids needed.
Him?
He was the one on his knees pleading to get back the control he lost.
(02:57):
September 14th, 2023 was a day which was equally relieving and weary.
While we thankfully found ourselves in a place where we could finally get out of our hell
and try to move on from the past, we also didn't feel any finality would come from
him.
While we clearly saw a massive dynamic change between the first meeting and the last, there
was still our own domestic affairs.
Externally, we were visibly content with our new dystopian reality.
(03:20):
However, internally, we each sat in our own measure of trepidation.
I was especially guilty of this.
We never knew what would come next from him.
One day, he could pull the plug on anything we needed to live and that would be it.
Then we would have to jostle ourselves around to find some way back to an equilibrium with
nearly no way to do it ourselves.
It's not like we were an affluent family with a six-figure-a-year living.
(03:42):
It was essentially thousands versus pennies.
We weren't craving to scrape clean every ounce of his finances in an attempt to manifest
some new lavish lifestyle like the one he wanted to.
We just wanted to survive through our escape so we could build on our own.
So it came to our frightful surprise when my mom discovered he had tried to file for
early retirement from his job.
She found out on the city of Springfield's retirement board website where they had posted
(04:05):
the minutes from each meeting.
This meeting was on September 6, eight days before their final mediation meeting.
Oh, the timing.
While it seemed to be something related to his heart, which he hadn't seen a cardiologist
in almost a decade, we had feared this would mark an imminent end to our survivable income.
My mom held the understanding that his early retirement would stop her child support in
(04:26):
alimony, which would see us with no extra income until she decided to claim retirement.
While she was working a part-time job, the astronomical cost of living wouldn't come
close to allowing us to survive on less than $1000 per month.
We needed this extra stream to allow us our living.
So now his ass is going to strip that away just in time for curtains to close?
(04:46):
No fucking way.
Regardless, I had known I was going to say my final goodbye when the process was over
and the divorce was final.
Admittedly, I was lacking the energy to do it, but clearly I now had the purpose for
this parting.
My bodily rage filled right back up.
While I could have done a variety of physical and maybe theatrical things to him, find where
he was and either put a bullet in him or beat the ever-living shit out of him, I knew those
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actions would only deliver personal satisfaction.
They would also render a separate terror of their own, facing incarceration.
Then again, maybe autism would be a viable excuse for evading prison?
I mean, that FTX idiot Sam Bakeman-Free tried to claim it as an excuse to get out of prison
time for defrauding so many people with his cute little cryptocurrency affair.
Who says I couldn't claim the same thing?
(05:32):
This fucking wasteland of a state I've grown up in would probably agree with that corrosive
notion.
Joking aside, I knew I couldn't physically respond to his prejudicial resolve.
All I had left were simply my words.
That was the same with my email exchange with him before.
While Calamity could breed mass chaos, I knew I had no destructive wherewithal to sacrifice
myself to make a radical point.
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I could never see myself surviving prison.
Plus I want to live a fruitful life.
Therefore, I wouldn't wish to throw that away with an infinite sentence.
Or maybe an early cessation of my life.
Regardless, this was the time to shove my father off the cliff once and for all.
Now with the marriage nearing the end, I needed to establish what our lives would look like.
As I had said in the previous chapter, I couldn't sit back and let him do whatever he desired
(06:16):
and merely watch us fall into the grave he was desperately trying to dig for us.
There could be no silence.
I had to make the absurdity of what he was doing known, while selfishly I lightly believed
my repetitive outcries of his wrongdoing would eventually cause him to finally pull back and
realize the iniquity of his behavior, as if his predestined narcissism would magically
wither into obscurity.
(06:36):
He could get better, couldn't he?
Before I share this final email, I will make it very clear I completely unloaded on him.
Undoubtedly very graphic and obscene things were said, mainly at the very end.
This was a level of exasperation I had never personified in my father ever before.
My fear of him completely vanished at this moment because it was clear to me his dominating
psyche had drastically shriveled.
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He had practically became afraid of his own shadow.
Thus, he wouldn't be the one coming after me to fuck me up, whether it be with his fists
or even a weapon.
This was my moment to let all the decade and a half of desecration out in the single body
of text.
I will once again mention that all names will be redacted other than my fathers, brothers,
and my own.
There will be three different words which will be censored in this email.
(07:20):
While I greatly detest censorship of any kind, I am aware these three words, one in particular,
would not at all render a positive reaction for myself or this book if I left them fully
exposed.
Finally, as I've warned before, I would advise you to skim over this if you have any established
stress-related medical conditions which will affect you if you read this.
I consistently mention this because I don't want to get slapped for a lawsuit because
(07:42):
I gave you a heart attack for reading the slimy things I said to my father.
You made the choice to read it.
Be warned.
Now for the email aptly titled, It never ends with you does it.
You just never stop trying to fuck with us, huh?
You think every step of the way you're winning.
Do you feel like you're winning?
Cause you shouldn't.
(08:03):
You aren't winning.
You will never win.
Right now you're getting every ounce of what you deserve.
From now on you will feel every ounce of pain you should feel.
She's gonna see it soon too.
We know you too well now and that should scare you.
Don't even get into your you're just brainwashed by your mother bullshit either.
You know damn well that's never been the truth.
The truth is something you never liked.
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That's why you're running away from it.
That's not happening anymore.
Your life is going to hurt real bad.
I hate saying it with every fiber in me, but that's just what life dictates.
I guess since the marriage you never gave a shit about in the first place has come to
an end, it's time I let you know how things are going to be moving forward.
One could speak his own mind now that you're no longer in our house and our lives so he
(08:45):
could choose what he wants to tell you when he wishes to, if he even wants to.
Before I do that, what's going on with trying to file for retirement early?
Don't even lie about it cause if you're stupid ass knew that shit is public you would see
that on the retirement boards website.
Your name shows up for the September 6th meeting eight days before the hearing.
(09:05):
Here is where I inserted the link to the meeting's notes showing his name on the docket for review.
Are you trying to run off with the shit you did?
I know it's exactly what you're doing.
Don't even question it either.
I myself know how you operate.
It's very sad and pathetic.
(09:25):
You can't just own up to what you did and let us all go free.
Instead, you have to move on to the next plan within your fucking agenda.
You think you're getting an advantage on us for having to sign away your money to us.
Money shouldn't even be in discussion but with you, someone who could even give us enough
to live on while you constantly claim everything is provided by you.
You didn't give us shit but the roof over our heads, the same roof my mom didn't even
(09:48):
want in the first place.
All you want to do is manipulate everyone and everything to adhere to your standards.
Everyone and everything has to benefit your life.
Nothing you ever do is out of the kindness of your heart cause you have none.
Even more sad, you'll retort that claim with I've done things for you.
Bull fucking shit.
You always know what you're doing.
(10:08):
Just like all the times I came to you for advice and had to be your way where I was
a piece of shit.
Now I'm left on my own to fix the shit you put myself into.
You had every opportunity to get me out of my hole and set me back to where I needed
to be but your precious little fucking plan told you no.
I tried to work a job for you.
I tried to go to school for you.
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I tried to do things with you for you.
I helped you play music for boxing events for you.
None of those things ever made you happy and I'm ashamed I ever thought it would change
you.
It never does and it never will.
What's worst of it all is the fool you made us all out to believe you were the best human
being out there.
Every time you introduced me to your buddies at work, everyone at the gym, everyone at
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the boxing shows, you propped yourself up to be a class act to all the people who were
involved in your life.
Instead, all you do is extort them financially and emotionally to further inflate your ceilingless
ego that grows bigger and bigger by the day.
It's so big even your own family are victims of your machidious master plan.
I wish you would tell me what it is but I know you won't.
As a matter of fact, why would I want you to tell me?
(11:12):
I already exposed it.
You dragged people down for your own satisfaction.
I think about all the people you've deceived, not just us.
You must know everyone is going to know what you've done.
In life, there is no hiding.
No one ever runs away from evil scot-free.
You reap what you sow.
Now is your time to do so.
(11:33):
I will let you know from this day forward I will be making my best effort to do everything
in my power to make as many people as possible aware of your actions and make them aware of
who you are deep down.
Everyone faces consequences for their horrible actions.
You can run but you will not hide.
Like I said, your life will suffer and God will make sure of it.
(11:54):
If I will not pray for your continued suffering, I will hope it puts you where you belong.
Already, I'm sure you're starting to feel it now.
When that day comes and you leave this earth, you won't even go with your parents.
You'll go in the fucking dumpster where you fucking belong.
It won't even be a hesitation.
Not unless my mom disagrees and I'm sure she won't.
That is what you can expect because after you're gone, I know where you're going next will
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be a lot hotter than it is here.
Then only you will be the weak one without air conditioning.
After that day comes, if you miraculously live longer than you thought you would, I will
tell you once and once only.
You will never be in my life again.
I don't care if you're 50 or you're 100.
You're never going to ruin my life again.
The way I see it, you probably won't even make it to 100.
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It doesn't matter.
It pains me to write this to you but I know you will never change.
Also, for all the evil you've committed not just to us but so many others, you never deserved
another chance to fuck up my life again.
Even if I want to believe you had any heart in your lifetime, I now can't see that at
all.
Not even one bit.
I don't even want to see you, hear you, or even think of you ever again.
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As far as I know, you're dead to me.
That's how it will stay for eternity.
Throughout the last year, there has been several times I wanted to do things to you I never
thought I would do before.
While I'm thankful I didn't, I constantly remember what your inevitable fate will be.
You'll suffer no matter what anybody does.
I still don't understand why I want to be so afraid to face you.
You act like you have all this power to do whatever you want.
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In reality, your dick is so small not even your dude friend's s*** could get her mouth
around it.
I can laugh at that because I'm no longer afraid of you.
You can because you know it's the truth, which you've run from your whole life.
My intuition is stronger than ever.
I don't even have to be alive 49 years to know that shit.
I now know way more about how life works than when you were around.
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I guess you did teach me a valuable lesson in humanity.
You'll rot and I'll thrive.
Compared to what you may think, I take no pleasure in saying these things to you.
No one should ever take any pleasure in telling their father what I'm telling you right now.
I sure as hell wouldn't accept my kids talking to me like that, the kids you probably don't
think I'll have.
I'm just laying the framework out for you right now.
I will also tell you this, the same thing I told you before.
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Leave us alone and cooperate.
We all know what you're doing and soon many others will know what you're doing.
Your escape plot won't save you.
All you have to do is come clean about this retirement debacle and follow what you're
supposed to with a divorce agreement.
It's sad I have to tell you this.
You should be grown enough of a man to know it's what you should do.
But instead, you're a liar, cheat, thief, abuser and so much more.
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Anything but what a man should be.
I would've thought you would've truly learned from your parents' mistakes.
Sadly, that was just another lie from you.
What if you told us that isn't a lie?
Probably nothing.
Your life is only going to get worse.
There's no turning back.
I don't understand why it's so hard for you to simply give up your stupid fucking
plan, own up to your shit like a man and make this a smooth process for us.
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What the fuck are you holding on to?
You have nothing left.
Waiting till s*** sees who you really are unless she really loves what you're doing.
You two just keep supporting shit you don't even believe.
You both keep boasting about Trump but his ass is dealing with the same shit we're dealing
with.
From you.
You whine a bitch about people being weak, but your ass is filing for early retirement
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for an accidental disability.
Explain that.
Donald Trump is dealing with a situation that is no different than what you're putting
us through.
It surprises me you forced us all to vote for him given all the shit you've done to us
is what the liberal left is doing to him.
Stop and think about it and maybe you'll see it for yourself.
On second thought, you're so fucked up and jaded you couldn't even hack into an experience
account without hiding the evidence.
(15:34):
You fucking moron.
You think we don't know?
That's your profession.
Instead, you were focused on being the s*** out of a black rapper with illegal gloves
and sandbags in the knuckles because you hate all black people, beating the s*** out of
gay people because you could, then let the city of homes take care of your homophobic
bullshit.
Watch two middle school kids beat the fuck out of each other while you stand big bad
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and tough with your arms crossed just so you could get the catchy headline.
Then, you could run back to the gym so you could tell fat fucking s*** and poor old s***
you fought crime for the day.
You could even keep your mouth shut when an AMR chick called you out.
Not to mention all the other shit you've done, like touching me in the shower when I was
12 because I was your possession, or all the times you mentioned my mom's gay brother
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s*** as a f*** yet.
Don't even deny that, or how you really love a song that others of the words working like
a n***er, or when you have black kids calling each other n***er out loud while they play
basketball in the gym parking lot.
Kids who don't even belong to the gym.
And when my mom talked with you about it, all you had to say was, they're just being
kids.
Leave them alone.
I can go on for ages through all the things you let us to believe were acceptable but
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aren't.
The bottom line is this.
If you're cared enough to read this far down, one, we know what you're doing.
Just fess up to the early retirement and make all of our lives easier and let us move on.
Two, when you die, your ashes or body are going in the dumpster where it belongs.
Three, you will never be in my life again.
Period.
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What you've done to us in the last year, let alone the last 30, cannot be compared.
Now we all have to repair the damage you have done and rewrite the stories you've portrayed
of us.
We all have to tell people you indeed are not an Army Ranger.
I have to tell people I never went to Berkeley College of Music like you told everyone in
the gym.
We now have to tell people about every little detail that is wrong and rewrite them with
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the truth.
Nothing will ever make up what you have done and I will make it my life mission to put
you where you belong.
Your life is never getting better nor should it ever get better.
I'm sure your brother and sister wish the same too.
Your pain began Thursday, September 14th, 2023 and it will carry with you until you're
gone.
It's never getting better so fucking kiss up to him and let us go free.
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Then you could go ruin another bitch's life.
Then she could find out who you really are, you could bail on her and find someone else
and just continue the cycle.
I wish no one else would have to deal with your suffering but in reality you'll always
get what you want in the end.
I would pray for the best for you but what good would that do anybody?
You're going to get what you deserve.
So will everyone else who stands with your lying, cheating, manipulation and abuse.
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You told your bullshit story, now tell our story.
The truth.
But you're my top priority.
But you're my first born son.
But I will always love you.
Shut up you fucking cunt.
Go fuck yourself.
P.S. From what I hear you and so and so are doing some pretty gay fucking things.
I don't mean the happy kind of gay, I mean the homosexual kind of gay.
(18:28):
Oops.
That's another horrible thing I learned from you.
Goodbye.
David Allen Coase, if that ain't country, was a song I was referencing if you were curious.
I wouldn't say listen to it religiously but I just knew he would mention and listen to
it every so often.
I know the song was from a while ago but still.
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He would laugh and show genuine affinity for the fact he uttered that ponderous word fixated
at black people.
Also as with the previous email exchange with him, the other person I was verbally shelling
who was redacted is the woman he decided to cheat on my mom with during the divorce process.
I'm not sure if she is still on TikTok but she does have a website where she unironically
blogs about women empowerment among other things.
(19:10):
Her abbreviation is MTW, that's all I'll say.
Oh, you'll also find an article she wrote about him too where he outright lies about
his father being an Irish immigrant.
Community notes on X, formerly known as Twitter, would say his grandfather was actually an
Irish immigrant, not his father.
There are many deceitful things he decided to change about his life while being away
from us.
Anyway, all I mentioned in that email actually happened.
(19:33):
While I did not personally witness the events which occurred at the gym, I deemed my mom
to be the most trustworthy of the two.
While one could hypothesize my father might have been more self-effacing than we believed,
our intuitions never warmed that possibility.
I also would like to believe his words and actions as they'd been depicted alone would
be enough to understand why we never believed he held any amount of fervency.
(19:54):
To those who believe what I said to him was gravely excessive and non-essential, I concur.
Nevertheless, I come right back to desperate times call for desperate measures.
When survival is tested and your back is against the wall, an unhinged part of you reveals
itself to protect all you have.
It's barbarian in nature.
From the beginning of time, the human species had to find some way to outlast extinction
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and evolve, right?
It's a final stand no matter which way you put it.
On top of that, the amount of diseased malevolence preserved over half the 26 years I've lived
became too much to bear any longer.
I knew I had to release all of it from me to move forward.
Really all I'm sharing with you in this memoir is what I hope becomes the epitaph of all
of what my current iteration of my family had to endure with him.
(20:35):
As any 25-year-old at the time would, I never wished to say what I said to my own father.
I wish he could have been much more somber and hopeful he would do what he needed to
do to heal his wounds.
It would have been that way if he hadn't proceeded with the exit he eventually enacted.
There, I knew he was doubling down on his corrosive path.
There would be no redemption for any of us.
It was abolition at all costs.
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Then, since we wouldn't go forward with his newly found idiotic depiction of what our
family should become, we would be thrust into our own adulterated grave so we could carry
on with a dilapidated pilgrimage where the world became his oyster.
More simply put, he would discard us so we could do what he actually wanted to do with
the rest of his furrowed life since we didn't want any part of it.
I say this because that was what he actually laid out to my mom the initial night they
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argued.
He wanted to build a room at the newly built gym so he could live there and come back to
us whenever he pleased.
He could have one foot in and the other out.
He and my mom could still be married and just merely be great friends who could meet up
every so often.
Yeah, that's exactly what he wanted.
It doesn't take a genius to know that isn't an atomical assemblage anyone would call a
family.
To cap it all off, I had attained a desire for a tit for tat, yet another desire for
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handing him a dose of his own medicine.
I don't tend to be one who wishes to surpass someone else's misconduct as I customarily
reside that two rungs don't make a right.
However, I couldn't help but feel I needed to extricate the enormity of my torment and
hand it to him.
Even though I constantly forgot about his blindness to any emotion or compassion, I
compulsively believed he needed to know what these years and years of affliction he assailed
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felt like.
I also felt I needed to release all of the nonsensical aphagems he would utter.
Things like, I don't mean like the happy kind of gay, I mean the homosexual kind of
gay, in the case of the post-script.
Regardless, we're forever thankful to not have faced any grave atrocities such as homelessness
or starvation during that time.
We managed to escape on our own feet.
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We worked through the bullshit.
Fuck, we're still working through it now.
For every moment we've broken down, we've picked ourselves back up.
With every nonsensical assertion levied against us, we miraculously prevailed on the other
side.
There will still be wounds to men, but we know we will never be lacerated further.
We know we will each see our day when we recognize the forecast calls for the sun to
stay.
(22:43):
The tragedy will stop regardless of whatever means necessary for it to cease.
We have our speculations, but those unfortunately aren't light-hearted ones to ingest.
Nevertheless, we will reach the finish line.
It won't disappear.
I just hope you're poor-sold and in burst anywhere in the middle of this hysteria.
If you've reached the end of this chapter, you're just the person we need in this world.
You care.
You're selfless.
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You're not at all like my psychotic demented piece of shit father.
By the way, I would replace his name, but I know his ass will do whatever he wants,
and I guess I'm out of luck on that.
I think I'm okay with that.
Or am I?
I still can't compute how our lives, with him in it, were able to continue for as long
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as it did.
I'm sure it's a question you ask yourself.
I guess we wanted to believe within every fiber we had he held our best intentions in
mind.
Even if he bitched at us for something we did or he said to make your marriage work and
rebuild a relationship with Daniel and I.
Instead you want to abandon us but also tell us you're not abandoning us.
Nothing with you makes any sense to any of us.
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There's nothing in you and no one around you that will show you what you're doing and
how you're acting is sick, cruel and undignified.
That is one of the saddest parts of my shoes and understand why I did what I did.
I am at the point right now where I'm ready to hand the keys to the gym off, leave my job
and disappear.
It's too hard to live with the pain of seeing what my life has materialized into.
(01:05):
After all I have done to try to get ahead.
The harder it is for everyone who has to deal with you.
You reap what you sow.
That's the lesson you're learning.
You'll disappear but when you do leave this earth I'll at least know where you're going.
Leave us alone and cooperate.
(01:30):
This is Hope in the Ashes with Sean Fay.
Before saying goodbye.
(01:53):
Eight months after contending with my wretched father over the fucking internet, we were
still striving to get by just as we were before.
We needed to stay fed, bathed, clothed, sheltered, all while a reincarnation of Satan himself
remains ravenous of seeing our annihilation fully come to fruition.
This living a life greater than average was the very thing which rendered him spasmodic
(02:13):
in filming at the mouth.
Our living during the seven month process from the first mediation to the last maintained
the same intensity as when he left.
Really, once the dial was cranked to 11, it never went down.
After the first mediation, February 2023, my father held an evil smirk about him.
He had the control he sought to have.
(02:34):
My mom was beside herself trying to figure out how to navigate past this newly birthed
serpent through the lies, conspiracies, deception, gaslighting, what the fuck are we going to
do?
However, by their last meeting there was a paradigm shift.
By then, my mom was content and focused on getting what she and her kids needed.
Him?
He was the one on his knees pleading to get back the control he lost.
(02:57):
September 14th, 2023 was a day which was equally relieving and weary.
While we thankfully found ourselves in a place where we could finally get out of our hell
and try to move on from the past, we also didn't feel any finality would come from
him.
While we clearly saw a massive dynamic change between the first meeting and the last, there
was still our own domestic affairs.
Externally, we were visibly content with our new dystopian reality.
(03:20):
However, internally, we each sat in our own measure of trepidation.
I was especially guilty of this.
We never knew what would come next from him.
One day, he could pull the plug on anything we needed to live and that would be it.
Then we would have to jostle ourselves around to find some way back to an equilibrium with
nearly no way to do it ourselves.
It's not like we were an affluent family with a six-figure-a-year living.
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It was essentially thousands versus pennies.
We weren't craving to scrape clean every ounce of his finances in an attempt to manifest
some new lavish lifestyle like the one he wanted to.
We just wanted to survive through our escape so we could build on our own.
So it came to our frightful surprise when my mom discovered he had tried to file for
early retirement from his job.
She found out on the city of Springfield's retirement board website where they had posted
(04:05):
the minutes from each meeting.
This meeting was on September 6, eight days before their final mediation meeting.
Oh, the timing.
While it seemed to be something related to his heart, which he hadn't seen a cardiologist
in almost a decade, we had feared this would mark an imminent end to our survivable income.
My mom held the understanding that his early retirement would stop her child support in
(04:26):
alimony, which would see us with no extra income until she decided to claim retirement.
While she was working a part-time job, the astronomical cost of living wouldn't come
close to allowing us to survive on less than $1000 per month.
We needed this extra stream to allow us our living.
So now his ass is going to strip that away just in time for curtains to close?
(04:46):
No fucking way.
Regardless, I had known I was going to say my final goodbye when the process was over
and the divorce was final.
Admittedly, I was lacking the energy to do it, but clearly I now had the purpose for
this parting.
My bodily rage filled right back up.
While I could have done a variety of physical and maybe theatrical things to him, find where
he was and either put a bullet in him or beat the ever-living shit out of him, I knew those
(05:10):
actions would only deliver personal satisfaction.
They would also render a separate terror of their own, facing incarceration.
Then again, maybe autism would be a viable excuse for evading prison?
I mean, that FTX idiot Sam Bakeman-Free tried to claim it as an excuse to get out of prison
time for defrauding so many people with his cute little cryptocurrency affair.
Who says I couldn't claim the same thing?
(05:32):
This fucking wasteland of a state I've grown up in would probably agree with that corrosive
notion.
Joking aside, I knew I couldn't physically respond to his prejudicial resolve.
All I had left were simply my words.
That was the same with my email exchange with him before.
While Calamity could breed mass chaos, I knew I had no destructive wherewithal to sacrifice
myself to make a radical point.
(05:52):
I could never see myself surviving prison.
Plus I want to live a fruitful life.
Therefore, I wouldn't wish to throw that away with an infinite sentence.
Or maybe an early cessation of my life.
Regardless, this was the time to shove my father off the cliff once and for all.
Now with the marriage nearing the end, I needed to establish what our lives would look like.
As I had said in the previous chapter, I couldn't sit back and let him do whatever he desired
(06:16):
and merely watch us fall into the grave he was desperately trying to dig for us.
There could be no silence.
I had to make the absurdity of what he was doing known, while selfishly I lightly believed
my repetitive outcries of his wrongdoing would eventually cause him to finally pull back and
realize the iniquity of his behavior, as if his predestined narcissism would magically
wither into obscurity.
(06:36):
He could get better, couldn't he?
Before I share this final email, I will make it very clear I completely unloaded on him.
Undoubtedly very graphic and obscene things were said, mainly at the very end.
This was a level of exasperation I had never personified in my father ever before.
My fear of him completely vanished at this moment because it was clear to me his dominating
psyche had drastically shriveled.
(06:59):
He had practically became afraid of his own shadow.
Thus, he wouldn't be the one coming after me to fuck me up, whether it be with his fists
or even a weapon.
This was my moment to let all the decade and a half of desecration out in the single body
of text.
I will once again mention that all names will be redacted other than my fathers, brothers,
and my own.
There will be three different words which will be censored in this email.
(07:20):
While I greatly detest censorship of any kind, I am aware these three words, one in particular,
would not at all render a positive reaction for myself or this book if I left them fully
exposed.
Finally, as I've warned before, I would advise you to skim over this if you have any established
stress-related medical conditions which will affect you if you read this.
I consistently mention this because I don't want to get slapped for a lawsuit because
(07:42):
I gave you a heart attack for reading the slimy things I said to my father.
You made the choice to read it.
Be warned.
Now for the email aptly titled, It never ends with you does it.
You just never stop trying to fuck with us, huh?
You think every step of the way you're winning.
Do you feel like you're winning?
Cause you shouldn't.
(08:03):
You aren't winning.
You will never win.
Right now you're getting every ounce of what you deserve.
From now on you will feel every ounce of pain you should feel.
She's gonna see it soon too.
We know you too well now and that should scare you.
Don't even get into your you're just brainwashed by your mother bullshit either.
You know damn well that's never been the truth.
The truth is something you never liked.
(08:24):
That's why you're running away from it.
That's not happening anymore.
Your life is going to hurt real bad.
I hate saying it with every fiber in me, but that's just what life dictates.
I guess since the marriage you never gave a shit about in the first place has come to
an end, it's time I let you know how things are going to be moving forward.
One could speak his own mind now that you're no longer in our house and our lives so he
(08:45):
could choose what he wants to tell you when he wishes to, if he even wants to.
Before I do that, what's going on with trying to file for retirement early?
Don't even lie about it cause if you're stupid ass knew that shit is public you would see
that on the retirement boards website.
Your name shows up for the September 6th meeting eight days before the hearing.
(09:05):
Here is where I inserted the link to the meeting's notes showing his name on the docket for review.
Are you trying to run off with the shit you did?
I know it's exactly what you're doing.
Don't even question it either.
I myself know how you operate.
It's very sad and pathetic.
(09:25):
You can't just own up to what you did and let us all go free.
Instead, you have to move on to the next plan within your fucking agenda.
You think you're getting an advantage on us for having to sign away your money to us.
Money shouldn't even be in discussion but with you, someone who could even give us enough
to live on while you constantly claim everything is provided by you.
You didn't give us shit but the roof over our heads, the same roof my mom didn't even
(09:48):
want in the first place.
All you want to do is manipulate everyone and everything to adhere to your standards.
Everyone and everything has to benefit your life.
Nothing you ever do is out of the kindness of your heart cause you have none.
Even more sad, you'll retort that claim with I've done things for you.
Bull fucking shit.
You always know what you're doing.
(10:08):
Just like all the times I came to you for advice and had to be your way where I was
a piece of shit.
Now I'm left on my own to fix the shit you put myself into.
You had every opportunity to get me out of my hole and set me back to where I needed
to be but your precious little fucking plan told you no.
I tried to work a job for you.
I tried to go to school for you.
(10:29):
I tried to do things with you for you.
I helped you play music for boxing events for you.
None of those things ever made you happy and I'm ashamed I ever thought it would change
you.
It never does and it never will.
What's worst of it all is the fool you made us all out to believe you were the best human
being out there.
Every time you introduced me to your buddies at work, everyone at the gym, everyone at
(10:51):
the boxing shows, you propped yourself up to be a class act to all the people who were
involved in your life.
Instead, all you do is extort them financially and emotionally to further inflate your ceilingless
ego that grows bigger and bigger by the day.
It's so big even your own family are victims of your machidious master plan.
I wish you would tell me what it is but I know you won't.
As a matter of fact, why would I want you to tell me?
(11:12):
I already exposed it.
You dragged people down for your own satisfaction.
I think about all the people you've deceived, not just us.
You must know everyone is going to know what you've done.
In life, there is no hiding.
No one ever runs away from evil scot-free.
You reap what you sow.
Now is your time to do so.
(11:33):
I will let you know from this day forward I will be making my best effort to do everything
in my power to make as many people as possible aware of your actions and make them aware of
who you are deep down.
Everyone faces consequences for their horrible actions.
You can run but you will not hide.
Like I said, your life will suffer and God will make sure of it.
(11:54):
If I will not pray for your continued suffering, I will hope it puts you where you belong.
Already, I'm sure you're starting to feel it now.
When that day comes and you leave this earth, you won't even go with your parents.
You'll go in the fucking dumpster where you fucking belong.
It won't even be a hesitation.
Not unless my mom disagrees and I'm sure she won't.
That is what you can expect because after you're gone, I know where you're going next will
(12:16):
be a lot hotter than it is here.
Then only you will be the weak one without air conditioning.
After that day comes, if you miraculously live longer than you thought you would, I will
tell you once and once only.
You will never be in my life again.
I don't care if you're 50 or you're 100.
You're never going to ruin my life again.
The way I see it, you probably won't even make it to 100.
(12:39):
It doesn't matter.
It pains me to write this to you but I know you will never change.
Also, for all the evil you've committed not just to us but so many others, you never deserved
another chance to fuck up my life again.
Even if I want to believe you had any heart in your lifetime, I now can't see that at
all.
Not even one bit.
I don't even want to see you, hear you, or even think of you ever again.
(13:01):
As far as I know, you're dead to me.
That's how it will stay for eternity.
Throughout the last year, there has been several times I wanted to do things to you I never
thought I would do before.
While I'm thankful I didn't, I constantly remember what your inevitable fate will be.
You'll suffer no matter what anybody does.
I still don't understand why I want to be so afraid to face you.
You act like you have all this power to do whatever you want.
(13:24):
In reality, your dick is so small not even your dude friend's s*** could get her mouth
around it.
I can laugh at that because I'm no longer afraid of you.
You can because you know it's the truth, which you've run from your whole life.
My intuition is stronger than ever.
I don't even have to be alive 49 years to know that shit.
I now know way more about how life works than when you were around.
(13:44):
I guess you did teach me a valuable lesson in humanity.
You'll rot and I'll thrive.
Compared to what you may think, I take no pleasure in saying these things to you.
No one should ever take any pleasure in telling their father what I'm telling you right now.
I sure as hell wouldn't accept my kids talking to me like that, the kids you probably don't
think I'll have.
I'm just laying the framework out for you right now.
I will also tell you this, the same thing I told you before.
(14:08):
Leave us alone and cooperate.
We all know what you're doing and soon many others will know what you're doing.
Your escape plot won't save you.
All you have to do is come clean about this retirement debacle and follow what you're
supposed to with a divorce agreement.
It's sad I have to tell you this.
You should be grown enough of a man to know it's what you should do.
But instead, you're a liar, cheat, thief, abuser and so much more.
(14:32):
Anything but what a man should be.
I would've thought you would've truly learned from your parents' mistakes.
Sadly, that was just another lie from you.
What if you told us that isn't a lie?
Probably nothing.
Your life is only going to get worse.
There's no turning back.
I don't understand why it's so hard for you to simply give up your stupid fucking
plan, own up to your shit like a man and make this a smooth process for us.
(14:53):
What the fuck are you holding on to?
You have nothing left.
Waiting till s*** sees who you really are unless she really loves what you're doing.
You two just keep supporting shit you don't even believe.
You both keep boasting about Trump but his ass is dealing with the same shit we're dealing
with.
From you.
You whine a bitch about people being weak, but your ass is filing for early retirement
(15:13):
for an accidental disability.
Explain that.
Donald Trump is dealing with a situation that is no different than what you're putting
us through.
It surprises me you forced us all to vote for him given all the shit you've done to us
is what the liberal left is doing to him.
Stop and think about it and maybe you'll see it for yourself.
On second thought, you're so fucked up and jaded you couldn't even hack into an experience
account without hiding the evidence.
(15:34):
You fucking moron.
You think we don't know?
That's your profession.
Instead, you were focused on being the s*** out of a black rapper with illegal gloves
and sandbags in the knuckles because you hate all black people, beating the s*** out of
gay people because you could, then let the city of homes take care of your homophobic
bullshit.
Watch two middle school kids beat the fuck out of each other while you stand big bad
(15:55):
and tough with your arms crossed just so you could get the catchy headline.
Then, you could run back to the gym so you could tell fat fucking s*** and poor old s***
you fought crime for the day.
You could even keep your mouth shut when an AMR chick called you out.
Not to mention all the other shit you've done, like touching me in the shower when I was
12 because I was your possession, or all the times you mentioned my mom's gay brother
(16:15):
s*** as a f*** yet.
Don't even deny that, or how you really love a song that others of the words working like
a n***er, or when you have black kids calling each other n***er out loud while they play
basketball in the gym parking lot.
Kids who don't even belong to the gym.
And when my mom talked with you about it, all you had to say was, they're just being
kids.
Leave them alone.
I can go on for ages through all the things you let us to believe were acceptable but
(16:39):
aren't.
The bottom line is this.
If you're cared enough to read this far down, one, we know what you're doing.
Just fess up to the early retirement and make all of our lives easier and let us move on.
Two, when you die, your ashes or body are going in the dumpster where it belongs.
Three, you will never be in my life again.
Period.
(16:59):
What you've done to us in the last year, let alone the last 30, cannot be compared.
Now we all have to repair the damage you have done and rewrite the stories you've portrayed
of us.
We all have to tell people you indeed are not an Army Ranger.
I have to tell people I never went to Berkeley College of Music like you told everyone in
the gym.
We now have to tell people about every little detail that is wrong and rewrite them with
(17:21):
the truth.
Nothing will ever make up what you have done and I will make it my life mission to put
you where you belong.
Your life is never getting better nor should it ever get better.
I'm sure your brother and sister wish the same too.
Your pain began Thursday, September 14th, 2023 and it will carry with you until you're
gone.
It's never getting better so fucking kiss up to him and let us go free.
(17:44):
Then you could go ruin another bitch's life.
Then she could find out who you really are, you could bail on her and find someone else
and just continue the cycle.
I wish no one else would have to deal with your suffering but in reality you'll always
get what you want in the end.
I would pray for the best for you but what good would that do anybody?
You're going to get what you deserve.
So will everyone else who stands with your lying, cheating, manipulation and abuse.
(18:06):
You told your bullshit story, now tell our story.
The truth.
But you're my top priority.
But you're my first born son.
But I will always love you.
Shut up you fucking cunt.
Go fuck yourself.
P.S. From what I hear you and so and so are doing some pretty gay fucking things.
I don't mean the happy kind of gay, I mean the homosexual kind of gay.
(18:28):
Oops.
That's another horrible thing I learned from you.
Goodbye.
David Allen Coase, if that ain't country, was a song I was referencing if you were curious.
I wouldn't say listen to it religiously but I just knew he would mention and listen to
it every so often.
I know the song was from a while ago but still.
(18:49):
He would laugh and show genuine affinity for the fact he uttered that ponderous word fixated
at black people.
Also as with the previous email exchange with him, the other person I was verbally shelling
who was redacted is the woman he decided to cheat on my mom with during the divorce process.
I'm not sure if she is still on TikTok but she does have a website where she unironically
blogs about women empowerment among other things.
(19:10):
Her abbreviation is MTW, that's all I'll say.
Oh, you'll also find an article she wrote about him too where he outright lies about
his father being an Irish immigrant.
Community notes on X, formerly known as Twitter, would say his grandfather was actually an
Irish immigrant, not his father.
There are many deceitful things he decided to change about his life while being away
from us.
Anyway, all I mentioned in that email actually happened.
(19:33):
While I did not personally witness the events which occurred at the gym, I deemed my mom
to be the most trustworthy of the two.
While one could hypothesize my father might have been more self-effacing than we believed,
our intuitions never warmed that possibility.
I also would like to believe his words and actions as they'd been depicted alone would
be enough to understand why we never believed he held any amount of fervency.
(19:54):
To those who believe what I said to him was gravely excessive and non-essential, I concur.
Nevertheless, I come right back to desperate times call for desperate measures.
When survival is tested and your back is against the wall, an unhinged part of you reveals
itself to protect all you have.
It's barbarian in nature.
From the beginning of time, the human species had to find some way to outlast extinction
(20:14):
and evolve, right?
It's a final stand no matter which way you put it.
On top of that, the amount of diseased malevolence preserved over half the 26 years I've lived
became too much to bear any longer.
I knew I had to release all of it from me to move forward.
Really all I'm sharing with you in this memoir is what I hope becomes the epitaph of all
of what my current iteration of my family had to endure with him.
(20:35):
As any 25-year-old at the time would, I never wished to say what I said to my own father.
I wish he could have been much more somber and hopeful he would do what he needed to
do to heal his wounds.
It would have been that way if he hadn't proceeded with the exit he eventually enacted.
There, I knew he was doubling down on his corrosive path.
There would be no redemption for any of us.
It was abolition at all costs.
(20:56):
Then, since we wouldn't go forward with his newly found idiotic depiction of what our
family should become, we would be thrust into our own adulterated grave so we could carry
on with a dilapidated pilgrimage where the world became his oyster.
More simply put, he would discard us so we could do what he actually wanted to do with
the rest of his furrowed life since we didn't want any part of it.
I say this because that was what he actually laid out to my mom the initial night they
(21:18):
argued.
He wanted to build a room at the newly built gym so he could live there and come back to
us whenever he pleased.
He could have one foot in and the other out.
He and my mom could still be married and just merely be great friends who could meet up
every so often.
Yeah, that's exactly what he wanted.
It doesn't take a genius to know that isn't an atomical assemblage anyone would call a
family.
To cap it all off, I had attained a desire for a tit for tat, yet another desire for
(21:42):
handing him a dose of his own medicine.
I don't tend to be one who wishes to surpass someone else's misconduct as I customarily
reside that two rungs don't make a right.
However, I couldn't help but feel I needed to extricate the enormity of my torment and
hand it to him.
Even though I constantly forgot about his blindness to any emotion or compassion, I
compulsively believed he needed to know what these years and years of affliction he assailed
(22:03):
felt like.
I also felt I needed to release all of the nonsensical aphagems he would utter.
Things like, I don't mean like the happy kind of gay, I mean the homosexual kind of
gay, in the case of the post-script.
Regardless, we're forever thankful to not have faced any grave atrocities such as homelessness
or starvation during that time.
We managed to escape on our own feet.
(22:23):
We worked through the bullshit.
Fuck, we're still working through it now.
For every moment we've broken down, we've picked ourselves back up.
With every nonsensical assertion levied against us, we miraculously prevailed on the other
side.
There will still be wounds to men, but we know we will never be lacerated further.
We know we will each see our day when we recognize the forecast calls for the sun to
stay.
(22:43):
The tragedy will stop regardless of whatever means necessary for it to cease.
We have our speculations, but those unfortunately aren't light-hearted ones to ingest.
Nevertheless, we will reach the finish line.
It won't disappear.
I just hope you're poor-sold and in burst anywhere in the middle of this hysteria.
If you've reached the end of this chapter, you're just the person we need in this world.
You care.
You're selfless.
(23:04):
You're not at all like my psychotic demented piece of shit father.
By the way, I would replace his name, but I know his ass will do whatever he wants,
and I guess I'm out of luck on that.
I think I'm okay with that.
Or am I?
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