The Truth About Trauma Bonds: Why Leaving Isn’t Simple

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Trigger warning: This episode covers abuse, trauma and mental health. Please listen when you feel ready.

What if leaving wasn’t the hardest part?

In this raw and deeply honest episode, Hollie and Mollie unravel one of the most confusing and painful parts of abuse recovery, trauma bonding.

From brain chemistry to heartbreak, from missing someone who hurt you to rebuilding your sense of self, this conversation is both an education and a lifeline.

If you’ve ever thought “Why do I still miss him?” or “Am I going mad?”, this episode is for you. You are not alone. You are not broken. And there is life on the other side of this.

What Is Trauma Bonding?

•  Trauma bonding happens when a person develops a strong emotional attachment to someone who is abusive or harmful toward them.
•  It's driven by cycles of intense highs and lows - affection, followed by abuse, then affection again
•  which create confusion and dependency.
•  The bond can feel incredibly powerful, making it very hard for a person to leave even a dangerous relationship.

The Brain Chemistry Behind It

•  Trauma bonding isn't just emotional - it's biochemical.
•  After an abusive incident, the brain craves relief and connection, and when the abuser provides affection again, the brain releases dopamine (the feel-good chemical).
• Cortisol (the stress hormone) spikes during fear or conflict, then drops when the abuser is kind again, making the brain associate relief with the abuser.
•  This chemical rollercoaster can become addictive, reinforcing the bond.

Why It's So Confusing

•  People often wonder: "Why don't they just leave?" but trauma bonding can deeply affect judgement and self-esteem.
•  The victim may hold on to memories of the "good times" and believe they can get the loving side of the person back.
•  Abusers often isolate victims from friends and family, making the bond even stronger because the abuser becomes the centre of the victim's world.

It's Not Only Romantic Relationships

Trauma bonds can happen in various relationships:

•  Romantic partners
• Parent-child dynamics
•  Friendships
•  Cults or extremist groups
•  Workplaces with abusive leadership

Interesting Facts

1.  Stockholm Syndrome is a form of trauma bonding, where hostages develop sympathy for their captors.
2.  Trauma bonds can form surprisingly quickly, sometimes within days, in highly intense situations.
3.  The longer the cycle continues, the harder it becomes to break the bond because of entrenched neurological pathways.
4.  Even after leaving, victims may miss the abuser and feel tempted to reconnect, due to those deep emotional hooks.
5.  Therapy approaches like trauma-informed counselling, EMDR, and somatic therapy can help people break trauma bonds and heal.

Signs You Might Be in a Trauma Bond

•  Feeling loyal to someone despite repeated harm.
•  Making excuses for their bad behaviour.
•  Doubting your memory or reality (gaslighting).
•  Feeling "addicted" to the relationship.
•  Being afraid to leave because of how empty or anxious it might feel.

Hope and Healing 

•  Breaking a trauma bond takes time and support.
•  Understanding what's happening in your brain and emotions can empower you to make safer choices.
•  Support groups, therapy, and trusted friends or family can be crucial lifelines.