H.Y.S.T? | S2E10 | Stardust & The Golden Compass (Roast) - H.Y.S.T?

Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Welcome to H.Y.S.T?! I'm Bradly Hackworth joined by Jonathan Ems, otherwise known as Doc.

(00:07):
Greetings fellow humans.
And this week we are going to be covering a... fantastic?
This comes about because of just an offhand story that I told. Because remember it was, you offhandedly said that you wanted to cover Stardust someday.

(00:29):
And I mentioned that I only knew of Stardust by accident because I was living in China and thought I was buying a bootleg copy of the Golden Compass and actually got Stardust by accident.
And because of that we have decided to cover Golden Compass and Stardust together in one show. Which I'm gonna have to say was a really, really bad idea on our part.

(00:53):
I don't know because it's kind of like done well versus no.
Also, can you imagine, spare a thought for me, because Stardust being what it is, imagine not just going into it not knowing what to expect, but literally expecting something else.

(01:19):
Can you imagine how completely upside down confused I was by this movie?
I can just about imagine.
Or in a good way I guess.
A little bit. Yeah, yeah. I mean no matter what if you pop in a movie and it winds up being Stardust, you won.

(01:41):
I mean if it's not your kind of movie, it's not your kind of movie. But I mean good god it's my kind of movie.
Like this is like 80s adventure movie done with modern effects and done right.
It's like an episode of Shelley DeVaul's fairy tales with a multi-million dollar budget.

(02:04):
That is a reference you are going to get and some other people are going to get, not me.
Literally no idea. But I absolutely could not. I couldn't get on board with this one.
The Golden Compass, it absolutely killed me. It removed just a chunk of my soul.

(02:29):
Pun intended.
Thank god. Thank god we were covering Stardust. This is a backup episode.
So I had other movies this week to really counterbalance the bad movie.
Wow, what a movie. Okay, but you know what, that's going to be part two. We're going to get on that one on part two.

(02:52):
The first one, we're going to jump in on this and it's Stardust, a fantastic movie directed by Matthew Vaughan,
written by Jane Goldman and Matthew Vaughan, based on Neil Gaiman's work, starring Charlie Cox, Claire Danes,
Michelle Pfeiffer and Mark Strong, with Sienna Miller, Dave Kelly, Ben Barnes, Kate McGowan, Melanie Hill,

(03:17):
Henry Cavill, Peter O'Toole, Jason Fleming, Mark Heap and Sir Ian McKellen.
Which yes, both of these movies had Sir Ian McKellen, so we did it again.
It is the Sir Ian McKellen voiceover hour.
But my god. Okay, the cast on this one, it wasn't just that they got the cast.

(03:41):
They actually got the cast and then got the cast to give a damn.
Nobody saw this.
Everybody in this movie took a whole nother level. They were playing characters that they don't use.
Well, except for Claire Danes. Claire Danes was still playing Claire Danes.
But she was having fun with it, clearly.
But everyone else, they were playing characters that weren't their normal cup of tea, but they still made a meal out of them.

(04:06):
Absolutely.
When we watched this, Kelly was like, I'm really surprised that we don't own this one.
And I told her, I was like, every time it's available to stream for free, it's like the perfect amount of time since the last time that I watched it.
So I never really found the purpose in buying it because it's perfectly spaced out to exactly hit me the perfect way every time.

(04:34):
And it's just a few years in between when I watch it.
But I will be watching this movie at least every few years until the day I die.
I guarantee it. There's too much in this and there is nothing to date this movie.
This is purely timeless.
I don't think an age range is going to give a like universally this movie could be loved.

(04:59):
Yeah.
And I love one of the like the opening narration from Sir Ian McKellen.
Are we human because we gaze at the stars or do we gaze at the stars because we are human?
And fantastically fantastic philosophical question.
But then matched up with do the stars gaze back?
And I love that this entire story is based off that premise.

(05:23):
That's that's like that's like the like the polar opposite.
When you stare into the abyss long enough, the abyss stares back.
Right. Exactly.
It's like it's very much like you've got your nihilist philosophy and your optimist philosophy of abyss versus the stars.
We covered a movie on this channel that it started with that statement about the abyss, didn't we?

(05:51):
I don't remember.
I feel maybe the serpent in the rainbow.
The opening had something to do with that.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
The space between life and death or something like that is where mankind lives.
Something like that. Yeah.
Yeah.
But opening on the fantastic narration explaining a young boy's request to learn about another world on the other side of a wall with a young scientist writing back saying it's not possible.

(06:17):
Wrong.
Right.
Oh, I love this.
Oh, my God.
David Kelly playing the guard that wouldn't let the Thor's rule.
I loved that guy.
That can get such a small role.
And I loved everything.
Like every I don't know if there's a single frame of this movie that I am not head over heels in love with.

(06:41):
No, it's true.
Yeah.
No point did anything get done half-assed or just like this is just to get us from here to there.
We don't need to put any thought into it.
No, no.
Every single bit of this movie was given a lot of love for sure.
Yes, I love it.
The old guard gets tricked and the line that I love that the young Tristan or the young Thorp says like, is it a magical?

(07:07):
No, because it's a field.
How he delivered that was such simplicity.
Yet the way that they delivered like.
Good God, it is such it makes all the sense in the world.
Why Charlie Cox got launched into stardom from this?
Yeah, well, and it's kind of amazing too, because like we have here is the fairy tale that is started by another fairy tale, which is this guy who literally because his towns got this old legend of regarding there's a wall and there's a hole in the wall that we got a guard standing on, you know, for the last 60 years, apparently, you know, he's very dedicated to that job because no one can go there is another world.

(07:50):
And he's like, well, that can't be true.
So I'm going to go check it out.
He goes check it out and immediately gets laid very much.
Yeah, you're you're the new guy.
You're the guy on top of a fairy tale.
The guy from out of town.
But into that market, the double headed elephant.
Fantastic.
All of those eyeballs in that jar.

(08:13):
I don't know how many times I've seen this movie, but I know that every time I have seen this movie that has got me to laugh my ass off.
Every time. Well, because it's not it's not just it's the it's the weird little popping noise that happens every time the eyeballs irises show up out of nowhere.
Just like it's very kind of like not quite Looney Tunes, but almost like a nod.

(08:34):
No, I think it is very Looney Tunes.
I think that the nod that you're talking I think that is one hundred percent.
I think they were like, no, it was Looney Tunes is shit.
And our first look at Princess Una played by Kate McGowan, not to be confused with Kate McKinnon.
If you don't know who Kate McGowan is, you're wrong.

(08:55):
And Ditchwater Sal played by Melanie Hill.
And good God, I love the pricing system.
It might be the color of your hair or all of your memories before you were three.
That was oh my God, I can't even fully explain how much I love that creativity on that.
I don't think I've ever seen that anywhere before or since.

(09:19):
That's that's that's old school fairy.
That's like kind of like the old legends of the fairy world that was that you don't know any of them.
When you make yeah, when you when you make a deal with the fairy folk, they take the price that you have to pay are obscure things like your, you know,
your name or the memories. Oh, OK.
Stuff like that. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah.

(09:42):
OK, I can see that. The price for this very particular flower that very much like, wow, the whole movie is based off of this flower.
And like six other things like this movie is so perfectly everything in it is so perfectly tied together.
This is one of those you that the studio could not interfere.

(10:03):
Otherwise, everything would fall apart. Like, right. Yeah. This was one of those.
The flower is they still got Claire Danes in the bath, though.
So, you know, some concessions were made that.
OK, I never read the book, so I actually don't know if that's part of the book.
So I have nothing to say on that one. I don't know.

(10:26):
The price of the flower is a kiss.
Yeah, and then some I like that's like if I can't liberate you, what do you want from me?
Nine months later, a baby shows up at the wall.
And the look, the look that the guard is giving him when he drops off the baby like, hmm.

(10:49):
This is this is why we don't let people go through the wall. Shit like this happens.
See, they don't have prophylactics over there.
Right. Yeah. 18 years pass and Tristan is off to become a man.
And I love the Ian McKellen like this is in the story about how he became a boy.
It's the story of how he became a man and man Charlie Cox coming in.

(11:15):
The most adorkable care.
I think Tristan Thorne is the Thorne is the like most perfectly adorkable character in all of cinema history.
He's perfect when he when he puts on the warrior vibe, it makes sense when he's playing goofy and like kind of useless.
It makes sense. He rushed this role.

(11:38):
Totally. By the way, in case you're not familiar with who I'm talking about, this is the actor who plays Daredevil all the way back in like his film debut.
Yeah. And Matthew Vaughn fought really, really hard for Charlie Cox.
Turned down like I didn't want to Caprio didn't want like any of these big, big names that were coming through.

(11:59):
He turned them all down and he fought for Charlie Cox.
Sometimes you need to just trust the director often most of the time, most of the time, trust, trust the director.
When he goes up to Victoria's window and then not like throws that rock and they're like, it's Humphrey.
And then they come out and they see it's him, just the disappointment. My God, I felt I felt that.

(12:25):
I know you did too. Ouch. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Just come to like the girl. Yeah.
The girl you have a crush on, like you go up to try to take your chance, come out there disappointed that you're not another person.
Oh, oh, God. Oh, that is just painful.
And then that did I leave something at the shop? Oh, he's standing there throwing rocks at your window, holding flowers in the street.

(12:54):
And you're like, what do you want? What do you think, bitch?
Poor Tristan, poor, poor, dumb, thirsty Tristan.
And God, what a way to just make me think of younger me and how unbelievably pathetic I was.
Oh, I know. Yeah, yeah, it hits. It hits. It stings.

(13:17):
But then Henry Cavill shows up as Humphrey to fence and humiliate.
And I think this is the first on screen appearance of Henry Cavill where you actually see the adult version of Henry Cavill that actually is going to be Superman.
Because if you go watch The Count of Monte Cristo and you see him as Albert Mondego, he does not look like he's going to grow up and be Superman.

(13:42):
He is one baby faced little pretty boy.
Do you remember that movie?
No, no, I don't think so. I'm trying to remember if I ever actually saw it, but I don't remember.
Very, very. I have to say very, very big mistake if you skipped it.
Like that is remember the Titans level like mistake because that one.

(14:06):
I mean, I know. Yeah, no. OK.
Well, we'll definitely get into that one another time.
I know. I know. I've seen at least four different versions of the of the three musketeers.
So, you know, I know Hollywood has a thing when it comes to to Alexander Dumas books. So, you know, I guess I don't know.

(14:30):
And I will say the worst version of the three musketeers movie is probably still my favorite.
Oh, you're talking about the one Leonardo DiCaprio, Kiefer Sutherland, Oliver Platt and Charlie Sheen.
Yes, that was the man in the iron mask. Yes. No, no, no. I got I got to say that was probably the man in the iron mask.

(14:51):
That was three musketeers. The man in the iron mask had Leonardo DiCaprio and Jeremy Irons.
Both that was also I have I don't know.
But both those Athos and Aramis were played by Kiefer Sutherland, Oliver Platt and Charlie Sheen.
Oh, I remember that is it is nothing. I wasn't good fun.

(15:14):
No, I remember that. And yeah, I have to agree. It is definitely the worst one, but it is also my favorite.
I'm right there with you.
But I could have sworn that that was that that was that they called that one the man in the iron mask.
They didn't call it three musketeers, I thought. No, it was it was three musketeers movie, obviously.
But they but they know I hands down guarantee you. Yeah.

(15:35):
Because that was I saw them too close together.
I remember that was the first three musketeers movie to come out after I read the book the first time.
So and I will say like the three musketeers movie that came out like 10 years after that dynamite movie.
Absolutely amazing. The sword fights, everything about it was fricking perfect.

(15:56):
Wasn't funny. And that's what that's the only reason otherwise perfect movie.
It just wasn't funny. But back to this absolute amazing this Victoria showing up to his work and oh, she is horrible.
And he is damn dumb.
Dude, that was his job. And just I mean, like he had to know it was going to just had these like I'm going to do this.

(16:24):
It's going to be romantic and she's going to see it and it's going to and she's going to see what she's worth to me.
The movie never explained that, but I feel that's what he thought.
Yeah, it's like I take a gamble here because like she's like she's like I don't understand Victoria, honestly, like as a character, like he's kind of conniving.

(16:45):
But that will because like, OK, so he's disappointed to see him, but she gets that he's into her.
So first thing she does is start toying with them, showing up at the shop saying, would you like to walk me home knowing full well that he's going to get in trouble for that.
And he doesn't just get in trouble. He gets fired from his job.
And then when he shows up, like because clearly he's an idiot, he shows up with a full picnic spread of like really good wine and food.

(17:15):
He goes along with it and actually starts to seem appreciative, actually seems to like like she kind of likes the guy.
But also at the same time starts telling him about how she's going to be getting married to Humphrey pretty soon.
But I think the middle of the movie throws a perfect explanation on to Victoria's character.
She's so shallow that Tristan can't even tell Yvain about her.

(17:42):
Like he can't even tell her what she's like because she's so shallow.
There's she's not like anything.
So I think her character was just shallow and like maybe the prettiest one in the village.
So Tristan was like her.
I guess. Yeah, I mean, that's the problem with villages.

(18:05):
You know, it's either she's either a cunt or your cousin.
As much as I really want to deny that the small town that I moved to, because like I said,
I guess I grew up in a smaller town in North Dakota, but we still had thousands and thousands of people.

(18:26):
I then moved to a smaller town where my graduating class was like 28 people, I think.
And yeah, when I would sit down there and talk to them and be like, well,
and they would talk about fan the reunions and everybody showing up at each other's family reunions.
And I just sat there going like, how do you any of y'all plan on dating?
Like, yeah, how does this work?

(18:48):
That was like, no, we really don't have a choice.
We kind of got to wait until we are adults and move.
And I'm like, wow, your parents really perfected that trap.
I don't want you to date till you're 18.
So unless you want to do some Lucy and fallout stuff.
Yeah.
Wait, have you seen that yet?
No, I have.
Were you expecting a bigger reaction?

(19:10):
Like, oh, yeah.
I thought that like the because the joke that she's like after 10 years of cousin stuff,
I'm really excited for the real thing.
I honestly, yeah, I thought I was going to get a bigger chuckle out of that.
I'm not going to lie.
It took me a second to remember that line.
I remember that I remember the concept.
I forgot the actual line.
Yeah.
Well, but see, here's the thing.

(19:32):
Like, I remember years ago, I think I was like maybe 12, 13 years old.
I remember going back to my mom's hometown and they were having this huge, huge festival.
And I mean, huge, like literally like blocked off the main street in the center of town
and filled it full of people with a giant like stage with a DJ.
I don't remember what they were celebrating, but it was gigantic.

(19:53):
And and I remember even like, you know, and I'm hanging out there with like, you know, some family.
It's my mom's hotel.
So I got like a bunch of cousins and stuff there, you know, and I happened to catch side of this pretty,
pretty cute girl about my age.
And I remember like elbowing my cousin and I'm like, hey, who who's that?
And she looks and she goes, oh, that's our cousin so and so.
I'm like, God damn it.
Fuck.

(20:16):
Oh, awkward.
Yeah, I'm very happy.
I don't have that story.
I. It's the big city for me from then on, man.
Understandable.
Then you just wouldn't know.
Awkward. Awkward.
Wow. Awkward. Yeah.

(20:37):
No. Did you hear they have that problem in like some of the Norwegian countries?
They literally. Yeah.
There's literally apps where you before you start dating someone, you can check to make sure you're not related.
Yeah, I've heard that on some of the countries that like they don't travel, don't allow immigration, stuff like that.
Yeah, no, I've heard that's a pretty big problem.
And I've been laughing about it for a while because that is too funny.

(21:00):
But the father finds out and honestly, like there is not one moment that this dad was not a dynamite dad.
Yeah. Never lost his cool.
Every piece of advice was solid.
He had the patience, wished his son good luck on a grand adventure.
Like just outstanding dad. I loved it.
And then Tristan tries round two, but this time he brings the bubbly.

(21:24):
And I like that. This was a great thing that that Neil Gaiman did.
Tristan talks about there's a difference between being I'm not a shop boy.
I just happen to work at a shop for now.
Later in the movie, somebody else says that to him and it very much affirms how he feels about himself.

(21:46):
And that's the difference when you have the partner that pushes and like helps you realize things about yourself that love it.
Love it. His four year hand in marriage lines.
He almost gets that smooch because that's the thing.
Victoria is so shallow that you can buy her.
Like acts of service and just being told that I'll do things for you and stuff like that.

(22:10):
That's all it took to get her in.
Humphrey's going to Ipswich.
But no, Tristan would go all the way to the Arctic and slaughter a polar bear and bring it back its head.
That was she did.
I mean, at least she didn't go like, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What am I going to do with a polar bear?
I mean, come on.
A polar bear's head.

(22:32):
No, that one.
And I like the look on his face, too.
He's almost there for the kiss.
He's right there.
And then she's like, a polar bear's head.
He's like, oh, that was dumb.
That look was perfect.
You could have seen that one coming.
Yeah.
He sold that perfectly.
Over to Stormhold with I loved Ian McKellen's narration there.

(22:56):
If only Tristan knew how the stars would watch, he would probably have died of humiliation right there.
Luckily, everybody was looking at Stormhold.
And then we flash over to Peter O'Toole having the time of his life with this role.
Have you ever seen him so happy?
Like he was so happy.

(23:18):
Just to be there goofing like that.
Like he just there was so much joy in him.
I can't like that.
That might be my favorite.
Peter O'Toole.
Probably was the most.
Yeah.
And probably was one of the most fun roles he's had in a long time because he's been he's been Mr.
Masterpiece Theater for so long.
He's probably gotten pretty bored of it.

(23:40):
He was like, can someone just make me a giggly evil king for just five minutes, please?
And that's the thing.
Everything about this scene was utterly horrific.
The only thing that made it not horrific was how like the the options for the performances from these actors.
Everything was about murder and killing each other and all this.

(24:03):
And I killed all of my brothers before I was 12.
And all this stuff.
But the only thing that is not making it kind of a heavy scene is the joy that is coming across the actors where they're doing it.
I.
Yeah.
Oh, my God. He was just just.
Man.
Yeah. So he yeah.
So he's king because he killed all 12 of his brothers before his father abdicated the throne.

(24:29):
He's shocked out of his seven sons.
Four are still alive.
He's like, this is this is unprecedented.
Until Mark Strong tosses the one brother the one brother played by Rupert Everett right off.
And by the way, I don't see Rupert Everett that much.
And in this, the voice that he chose, I didn't even recognize him at all.

(24:54):
No. Yeah.
Well, there was the other brother, the one that got off next.
He was someone who's who I've seen multiple times.
And every time I see him, it takes me a long time to realize it's him because he's another chameleon.
That's Mark. Right.
Mark Healy. Yeah.
He's the he's also in what he's in a couple of British TV shows that I really liked.

(25:18):
And like in the second one that I saw him in, it was literally like halfway through the first season before I realized it was the same guy because he was he was he was so opposite of the first character.
So yeah.
And he's he's another he's another like, you know, he's not another one of those too good for his own good kind of guys because he's so good of an actor.

(25:39):
You never realize it's the same guy twice.
So which I love because Mark Strong tosses Rupert Everett out the window and then you get Mark Healy like, oh, hi.
But I thought it was funny because the guy we're talking about, Mark Healy, gets mistaken for Kate McGowan by Peter O'Toole.
He's like, no, bother.

(26:00):
I'm whatever your son.
Just because you could tell, like, that's not the first time it's happened. But also, it really seemed like Peter O'Toole in character was just messing with him.
Right.
Too good.
But after the after Rupert Everett takes that deep dive, we get our first look at the at the the dead princes because the mechanic in this movie, a new king has to be crowned.

(26:28):
Otherwise, all the previous princes will stay in like limbo and kind of just poltergeist.
There's going to be ghosts hanging out.
Yeah.
And the best use of a peanut gallery I have ever seen because their whole vibe, the whole movie is just like they really kind of like I would say they made the movie if now for the fact that there were a thousand other things that made this movie.

(26:52):
But my God, did they make because like everything that's happening, you can see these five and then eventually six ghosts just sitting there going like, hey, no, look, look, look, look.
I was like, she's right there.
Oh, yes, absolutely.
But the brothers are played by Julianne Rint, but Adam Buxton and David Walliams and I even put it here.

(27:16):
It always cracks me that he thinks Tertius is his daughter, Una.
He's got a mustache.
Like I was having that does crack me up.
I love how cheeky they are about murder and making the ordeal with the Ruby.
So the first of the remaining princes to touch this Ruby that the red has been removed and it looks like a diamond now.

(27:37):
It will return its color and they will be the new crowned king.
So that's what kicks off that or that.
He does some he does some sort of spell thing to shoot it up in the sky.
And apparently it bonks a star and both the necklace and the star in the form of Claire Danes fall to the earth because good star.

(27:58):
You know, you know, yeah, that was a good casting for a star.
I know. No, she was she was really good. Yes.
I thought she was fantastic.
OK. No, that was it.
Go ahead.
Can you. Oh, yeah.
My note on this. Bam.

(28:19):
Crashing into a star and then Tristan, I'm a go get it.
The princes have their ordeal and Victoria's like, oh, a falling star.
And he's like, I will go get it for you or your hand.
Yeah. And let's let's not lie.
We have all been in that situation.
We are so desperate to protect to impress a girl that we will do.
We will vow ahead of time premeditatively to do something profoundly stupid.

(28:45):
And we will follow through.
Correct. And the thing that we hopefully learn some point in our life, you can't buy love.
Dumbass. That's not how that works.
Michelle or the star falls and first look at witchy Michelle Pfeiffer and and at a shimmering Claire Danes.

(29:08):
Again, fantastic casting for a star, which how you even think to cast a star.
But they nailed it. Like, fantastic.
Well, I mean, it did.
I remember in the credits, it did say that the Neil Gaiman book was they gave credit both to Neil Gaiman as the writer and another guy whose name I'm forgetting as the illustrator.
So I'm guessing this was some sort of illustrated book.

(29:30):
So maybe they just looked at the picture and went, who does this look like that?
You know, very well. I don't know. Having never having never seen it.
I don't know. That's a good question. Yeah.
Pfeiffer goes and wakes the other witches, witches played by Joanna or Joanna, Scanlan and Sarah Alexander, who give a decently small hint that a Babylon candle is rare without going too hard in the paint about it.

(29:55):
I like that.
And then she's cheating at picking an organ. I have his liver, I have his kidney and I have his heart.
And I love the dirty look that she gets from the other way.
They play sisters very, very well.
How do you scale? What do you suppose the scaling is when it comes to organs like that? Like, what's you know, I don't know.

(30:17):
But I'm very sure that the heart is the lead. So that's pretty sure.
I mean, liver, kidney or I think you'd put liver over kidney because you can survive without a kidney. You can't survive without a liver liver.
Mm hmm. But neither of them work without the heart. That's a good. That's a good point.
Yeah, that's a.
I think we just stumbled into what the point system is actually.

(30:43):
Eating the last of the star and then oh.
Michelle Pfeiffer so pretty.
I know. So incredibly unbearingly disarming. She is so pretty.
And there's a reason why they write songs about her. OK, yep.
No, that's the crazy thing about it, too, is like and this happened to, you know, last time I saw that that freaking song, you know, closest thing to Michelle Pfeiffer that you've ever seen.

(31:13):
Like that song stuck in my head for the whole fucking movie because, yeah, the truer words have never been spoken.
Yeah, she gets in your head and yeah, deserves to be.
I mean, her and Renee Russo. Oh, my God. The 90s. Oh, my God.
David Kelly thinking Tristan is his dad and drops the hint about crossing whoops his ass.

(31:40):
And I'm sorry, those kicks. I don't know why those kicks were so funny, but those kicks made me laugh.
And then no, a few go.
Then we get the we get the we we see like this guy who's been guarding this wall for 80 some odd years.
We find out he ain't playing. He he's he's been this is a serious job to him and he he earned his respect for that job.

(32:07):
And the funny part is, because Dunstan went through just 20 years earlier, this guy started practicing martial arts when he was 80.
So that that might be my favorite part of it.
And he's still salty about it, too, that you can tell he's he's like, Mer, one of you got through.
And this time I'm prepared for your ass.

(32:30):
And the thing is, the guard has to know that the guard knows that Tristan is from the wall.
So there was always that.
Danes as Yvain wakes up and puts on the necklace, which, oh, like that always a crime is like, oh, oh, oh.
OK, I mean, I kind of get it. But at the same time, if you if you got clunked on the head by a giant diamond, you'd be like, well, this is mine now, too.

(32:58):
They chose me clearly. No. OK, I'll give you that.
The letter from mom and learning about like, well, his dad giving him the full lesson, telling all this.
And I think it's it's funny, too, is how he figures it out, like the guard just like the guard just dropped that tiny hint when he just like, oh, I suppose you think you're going to go through, too.

(33:21):
And he's like, what do you mean, too? I'm like, he's like, nothing. No, no one's ever gotten through.
It didn't matter because he figured it out instantly.
He he goes home and he's like, OK, dad, talk.
And I like that his dad just gives him the full story of this.
And I like the fact that the story was given to him off camera. And then when he finds the cameras, like, oh, just like in your story, like we didn't need that that fast.

(33:45):
Right. Exactly. I'm having so close together.
And I'm glad that this and this movie made the very, very right decision to go that way.
Matthew Vaughn is good.
He's one of the it's got one of the best. Actually, I think he has the best X-Men movie.
I think. OK, which which one? First class.

(34:08):
It's arguable. It's arguable. Yeah.
I mean, it's tough with the X-Men movies because they're there because this thing is like when it comes to when he comes to the Sony's X-Men.
OK, let me be clear. I wouldn't. There are good scenes.
I'm not counting Logan. I'm not counting Deadpool. I'm not counting the Wolverine. I'm not counting any of those.
I'm counting the only the ones that actually have the team up, the X-Men.

(34:30):
To be clear. Yeah. OK. I actually in my opinion, I think it's the best one.
OK, I could see that.
The way I've always seen it is I've never seen any any one movie like as that great.
There have been really good scenes like you can pick individual scenes from the series and go, that was really good shit right there.

(34:52):
The movies themselves on a whole don't really hold up, in my opinion.
No, most of them. Most of them are exactly what you described. X2, I thought was good. First class, I thought was good.
All the other ones had cool moments, but they weren't good movies.
But those two in particular, X2 with William Stryker and like Wolverine actually having his rage scene, all that like.

(35:17):
No, that was like the first time like nerd me got to see like nerd stuff in the theaters and I was like, OK.
So maybe OK, there's a lot of bias that's on that statement.
So never mind. He lights the candle, travels by candlelight and then bam right into the star and he keeps calling Claire Dane's mother, which.

(35:39):
Right. What a great decision.
I mean, she's having a day for sure.
Hit in the head by a rock, fall from the sky, then hit in the in the everything by a dude who's like, are you my mommy?
I know what a what a series of events for her.
And then she goes off on him about the events that led up to her being hit by a bumbling moron.

(36:04):
And he straight up kidnaps an injured woman for Victoria without even thinking about it.
Like it's weird that he doesn't think about it at all.
It's like, OK, this is a human person, look, human looking person. I'm talking to you.
I'm going to enslave you and gift you to somebody. And he's our good guy.
Well, he does he does say he's just going to break.

(36:25):
He has a promise to keep. He was going to bring Victoria the star and he does stay kind of upfront.
Look, I just want to show you to her so that she sees that I did it and that I kept my promise.
Then I'll let you go. And he even goes like, I've got this candle that you can use to take yourself home.
And I'm not using it to take us back to town.
The fact that he calls it like she's like, you have a Babylon candle.

(36:47):
Yeah, of course, I have a bubbling candle.
Dude, he is he is the perfect mix of just idiot, like charming, charming and disarming idiot.
Plus, I think to a degree that may have been like one of the saving graces of why we didn't see the exposition when his dad told him the story.

(37:13):
And then he's like, oh, I've got here's the letter from your mom.
This is the flower from your story. Oh, this is the chain from your story.
Because he seems to uncannily know how to work that chain really, really well.
First try on everything. Yeah, right.
So the only way to explain that is to assume that that part of his dad's story must have been pretty elongated.
We just didn't see it. That's a good point.

(37:34):
Seems to be a good point. Really know how to use that magic chain without much without much trouble.
Which, by the way, what a fantastic magic chain.
All you got to do is keep cutting that thing and you have unlimited material.
I would have an entire suit of armor made out of that crap.
And it's obedient to is just like here, hold this and it holds it.
Yeah, I would that that that little piece of material was wildly I could wildly underutilized.

(37:59):
You forget the star. Just give that to Victoria and be and be like, here, your husband's never going to get away with this.
Dude, right. There you go. Yeah.
Accidentally poisoning the bishop and that scene. Huge laugh.
Strong faking his own death just to get a chuckle.
I know Mark Strong has been in everything. He is such a prolific actor.

(38:26):
But my God, I don't think I've ever seen him be like this.
There was there was a lot of good, mirthful, funny moments.
But my one just full on belly laugh moment was when he's pointing at his brother going like, you thought you were going to be king.
Like that was that was gold. But also Jason having it be Mark Strong and Jason Fleming, those two worked perfectly off of each other.

(38:53):
Yeah, that was fantastic.
Now that Pfeiffer is pretty again, she wants the home to look good to get everything ready.
Make it nice. I wanted us to put the Queens that we are like. Right.
Yeah, come on, Diva arguing. Oh, the star interest in arguing about when to sleep and.

(39:16):
But this is that scene I was talking about where he calls it a bubbling candle and she's like and she the way she looks at it,
she's like, oh, my God, what kind of idiot are you?
Like, it's it's so good. It's so good.
Jake Curran getting turned into a goat and then seeing that the magic takes a toll on Pfeiffer and it happens really quick and very succinctly.

(39:40):
And even though there was some exposition on it, none of it was needed.
Right. Yeah, exactly. And it basically just kind of position also wasn't clunky.
Right. Because we see the examples we hear like a momentary comment on it to confirm everything.
This is like, oh, this is known. This is not a mystery as to what's happening to her. Everybody gets it.

(40:02):
Yeah. And it raises the stakes for her character.
It kind of like it basically goes to show she's not just your basic run of the mill evil witch looking to do bad things.
No, she's got an actual desperation here because she's you know.
This is like she's not living a great existence. She's in a dusty, dark old house, just her and her sisters.
They're all decrepit and can barely move. This is her one chance to get back to youth.

(40:25):
You know. OK. Dusty, dank old great hall.
I mean, come on. Say what you will about the decor, sir, but the architecture, give its respect.
I mean, come on, they lived in a frickin cathedral, man. I mean, that's a hmm.

(40:46):
I'll take some. I'll take some dank and dustiness if I can live in a frickin cathedral like that.
OK, all right. Unless your property. I know it's a cathedral. Property taxes would be low.
Seven horses with. Oh, so here you go. Seven horses with Septimus, the seventh brother and Primus, the first brother,

(41:07):
goes it alone, perfectly matching their names.
Their clothing had their number like the number of what son they were matched up.
And I thought it was great to have the first and the final brother going up against each other in this.
And all the in between. I thought that was really clever. I did enjoy that.
Them walking through the windows background. Tell me you didn't think the same thing.

(41:34):
Oh, no, I didn't. Oh, my God. I didn't notice it. That was exactly I was like that.
That's that's the windows background. I thought the same thing as when we watched toys.
I'm like, that's the fucking Microsoft background. Wherever that field is, they love using that thing.
Oh, here we go. Michelle Pfeiffer meets Ditchwater Sal and the whole heads or tails scene and then truth poisoning, the Dark Majesty.

(42:03):
And then we kind of see what she looked like in her prime or like when she's like got her like her magic like going.
Tiny, tiny bit of world building that just kind of shows you what they may have looked like 100, 100 years ago or centuries ago or in like that.
Never explained, never saw again. But Ditchwater Sal calling her your Dark Majesty that gave us our world building.

(42:27):
Yeah, God, I love this movie because where we've talked about trusting your audience, you don't need to hammer us with these this information.
Put it in the movie. And if we're curious about it, we'll watch it again. That's the thing is like if you catch it, it adds to the story.
If you don't catch it, you don't lose anything in the story. That is delicate. That's a delicate thing. Yes.

(42:49):
To be able to put something in your story that if it's missed, it doesn't affect the audience at all.
No, that is a tough balance to find. And I do understand that.
But treating your audience like they're frickin morons, that is always the way your film loses money.
Time after time after time after time after time after time.
There is almost no example of treating your audience like morons and it winning.

(43:14):
Like it's crazy that they keep doing that. But whatever.
The classic. Oh, oh, oh, OK.
Well, actually, first this casting a spell on Ditchwater Sal.
You shall not see nor touch nor smell nor hear or interact with the star in any way, even if it's right in front of you.
Perfectly setting up an incredible scene later on that just melts my heart every time I see this.

(43:42):
Now for my true hatred.
And I'm not even kidding here, man. I hate this to a degree that I don't know how to properly say.
He keeps calling her Yvonne when her name is Yvonne.
You can't get that misconception unless you're looking at the name on paper.

(44:08):
If somebody tells you their name, you have the actor in the play, in the movie, in whatever it is,
needs to mispronounce it based off of how they heard it, not how they would miss like mispronounce it based off of reading it.
Movies and plays and TV shows make that mistake a million times over and not again, not one time has it ever fucking made sense.

(44:38):
That is one of the dumbest things that like that like that entertainment does.
And how has anybody ever rectified that?
I don't know. Is it just me? Does that bother you too? Not really. No, but I get where you're coming from.
I would see how it would bother you for sure. Yes. I mean, I was just I literally like an audiobook that I was listening to not too long ago.

(45:06):
And this is one of those like I don't know how this happens, but the the narrator mispronounced the word idyllic like he was talking about.
Like a character was like contemplating his life and he was like, has my life been so idyllic that I can't you know, I can't contemplate these hardships.
The narrator said idyllic.

(45:27):
Like it literally took a second like has my life been so idyllic? And I'm like, what?
Did he mean idyllic? Like and that's kind of like that. That's you know, that bothered me.
Like I think I missed the whole next chapter of the book because I'm sitting here going like how can someone go their whole life?
Not not ever hearing that word, only seeing it like who where where was the quality control?

(45:51):
Who was his editor? Was there a director in the room?
Well, come on, you know, I mean, you know how we do this. There isn't.
I am like I am my own editor for my audio work and stuff like that.
There are apps that some of the other audiobook narrators that I work with in my classes and stuff like that.
They have apps that you run your chapter through and like the app will identify the words that you have mispronounced.

(46:16):
So now they have that. They didn't have that that long ago when I was because I was doing audiobooks a few years ago.
We didn't have that. We would run up to words of writing, especially when I was doing like metaphysics manuals.
And things like that. I was like I auditioned for one.
It was a three page audition about a metaphysics manual.
And I spent so much time Googling pronunciation of words that I just I didn't even submit the audition.

(46:41):
Yeah, even if I got this, I feel you there. I wouldn't want to do this.
Like this is insane.
Or was I? Oh, the confrontation with the soothsayer.
I thought that was really good. I thought the the the confrontation with him as he's asking the questions and then Mark Strong turns into a more jovial type of character for a moment.

(47:08):
What's my favorite color? Like all of this. Have I ever spared anyone's life?
Like, like, he's just he's so jovial about it and having fun with it.
And then, yeah, he kills the guy and then they move on.
Right. The transition from those those charms or whatever they call them, like from him to Michelle Pfeiffer over to right.

(47:32):
Tristan and Danes. The transitions there, I thought were absolutely fantastic.
It was it was almost like a musical without the musical number.
The way there was like it was it was like a one of those marathon type songs where where everyone's going like we're off to, you know, we're, you know, we're going to the Capitol.

(47:55):
And you've got like this storyline. We're going to kill the king in this storyline. We're going to save the king in this storyline.
I'm going to marry the princess. And they're all kind of like they eventually sing in tandem with each other, even though there are three separate storylines in different places.
It was like that, but no song. It was just it was a sort of weird, like mental, like emotional unification on this journey.

(48:18):
And it was. Yeah, it works so well.
Rescue Unicorn activate.
That that came out of nowhere and I'm like, whatever, we're in Star Wars.
They didn't invite that unicorn to the wedding.

(48:41):
It died.
Oh, that's right. Oh, that's right. OK, yeah. Yeah, we see like this is the kind of movie where you could just randomly have a unicorn pop in.
And there are no questions because of what the movie has done to this point. Any other I swear to God, any other movie, if this would have happened, I would just be ripping it apart somehow.

(49:03):
Especially it worked. They. Yeah, well, especially they even though it was not technically a character like that was one of the Claire Danes did really well giving this horse character because when it first shows up, you know, and unlocks the chain and saves her because it's a unicorn.
It can fucking do anything. Yeah.
And as you know, she's riding through the forest to eventually go to this in.

(49:26):
He is.
She's expositing everything to this horse. He just sitting there going like, and then this asshole tied me up to this and that and the horse is just trotting along going like, I know, lady, I know, I'm humans. Right.
Yeah. Like, so this with with no with no need to horse act, Claire Danes just made this horse a character by just being a character to it.

(49:52):
But I will say when the horse saves Tristan's life and then points at the poison, I like I was like, it was making me laugh so hard.
I'm like, God, you did such a good job with that horse. Good job. Good horse. Turning the goat into a goat or into a man creating an inn and dude, why did I do the note like this?

(50:15):
Bernard Bernard gets at the other side.
Like she took she turns Bernard into a goat so she can add two goats pulling her cart. And then when she gets to this, this, you know, this strap she's setting, he turns the goat into a man to be her husband.
She turns Bernard back into a man thinks for a second and then turns Bernard into a woman and Bernard does not seem to mind at all.

(50:40):
No, he's very excited.
Whoa.
The expo dump from the stars while Tristan is sleeping and you get Elliot Sumner as Yvain's sister, which she is really kicking some stuff up.
Now, if you take a look at her IMDB, she's been really like her credits are getting bigger and bigger and bigger.

(51:04):
So this like I think this is going to be one of those like, hey, look what Elliot Sumner did when she first was coming out like and way to hit the ground running Sumner.
Bouncing off. Oh, God.
Okay, so when Tristan wakes up from the dream and he starts sprinting towards that and the music is epic and you think like, oh, God, this music, this scene, this editing, something amazing is about to happen.

(51:29):
Nope.
Just bounces off the carriage and the music dies down. I'm like, oh, movie.
Me again. I've seen this 20 freaking times and you got me again.
I just so much fun and I like that. Primas comes up.
He's like, the thing was when Primas comes up and he puts the blade to Tristan's chest, you're not looking at comedy.

(51:54):
You're not looking at joy. Jason Fleming put on the actual performance to be a man about to kill.
And then he changes his mind right when Tristan is like, you know, whoa, I don't know what I got.
And he sees that Tristan is telling the truth, I think.
But the thing was something. Yeah. Yeah. That walk up.
Fleming was putting on a performance for a different movie. And that is what I really liked about it is because you saw the dark.

(52:20):
You saw the heavy tone. You saw everything about it.
And then you saw them put it away like so it gave you that that feeling of like that eerie feeling that something was about to happen.
But you were still living in the joy of a film that is perfectly able to cross over from children to adults.
And I don't think anybody's going to have a bad time. No, no, you're right.

(52:44):
I bet is. Yeah. But the line. Maybe Providence sent you to or sent me to you the same as it sent you to me.
His character pulls off some good lines when he needs to.
Like he says the right thing basically every time that he needs to. And I really appreciated that about his character because he was never lying.
He never lied to say that say something. He was just being honest.

(53:07):
Every step along the way. Same thing as in like Knives Out. You've seen Knives Out, right? Yes.
OK. And a D'Armes character like you won by being a good person.
That is like the same thing that Tristan that happened to Tristan in this. He just won by being a good person.
Yeah. Love that.

(53:30):
When Yvain shows up to the inn and then Pfeiffer invites her in and all that and then she slams the door on the unicorn and they give those like quick staring daggers like right through the door window.
She. I want I keep wanting to say this actor crushed this. This actor crushed this.
Every single actor in this movie crushed every single thing they did this whole movie.

(53:56):
It is kind of insane. The odds of that happening. That ratio does not. It doesn't. It doesn't.
There's always some kind of like somebody calling it in someone being like I know this is a small part. You know, like Peter O'Toole. He that that was a cameo to beat all cameo roles.
He didn't have to stand up. He had so few lines. He probably probably had cue cards for him.

(54:20):
I mean, it's the kind of thing where it's like you've got a low budget film and you need your one name actor.
What do you do? You cast him in a role where he doesn't have to do anything but be the name.
That was the role that they gave Peter O'Toole, but he did not treat it that way in a film full of a listers.
Right. All of a list.

(54:43):
Woman, Bernard Bernard is absolutely creeping.
Oh, my God. Like when he's like, oh, yeah, let's get you out.
And he puts his like he puts he puts her arms around her shoulders and like just so creepy feeling. And oh, man, the magic in the healing bath.
Fantastic. I love that. You've never you've never a massage like I don't know why that cracks me up.

(55:13):
I still like it doesn't really make sense to me why that line would get such a big laugh out of me, but it does.
Well, it's it's it's well, it's because we have this weird dynamic going on where we found out that something about this magic of stealing a star's heart and using it for magical powers, whatever it is they want to do.
There's conditions like having them, you know, having them be comfortable and happy and carefree helps.

(55:40):
And so that's what Michelle Fiverr is doing. She's trying to pamper Claire Danes. Yes.
She's okay. So what you're saying, though, so the more potent the star, like the more potent the happiness, the more powerful the star is, the star's heart is.
But at the end of the movie, like.
What is a broken heart of a star is better than no heart at all.

(56:02):
It can still do something, but if it's shining when it's cut out, it is way more powerful.
So right now, I'm right there with you.
OK, so yeah, she's trying to butter her up.
She's and and so it's like it's weird this sort of like after we've seen her be so evil this whole time.
Now she's like sitting there going like you've never had him.
You must die. I will work those kinks out.

(56:24):
Get in the bath. I am. I am here for you, my lady.
This is going to be one because it's like it's a yeah, it's funny because it does open.
It opens a huge plot hole at the end of the film, though.
So there actually is there's there's only one moment of this film that I actually think isn't perfect.

(56:46):
And it actually it is kind of a huge plot hole.
And I'm wondering if you can help fill it for me.
Well, we'll get there. OK.
Saved from a knife under the bed by a knock at the door and Primus and Tristan arrive.
And then, yeah, Primus just like walks in the like walks into the place, sees there's a bath and like, oh,
and just dumps jumps into somebody else's dirty bath water.

(57:10):
I'm like, oh, oh, you don't know.
You don't know who was in there.
That's like that scene from Galaxy Quest. Is there air?
You don't know. You don't know who is.
Is there crabs? You don't know.
Like, ah, Galaxy Quest, and I want to see that again now.

(57:35):
Oh, yeah, it was mentioned to be like, yeah, now there is a movie.
There is a movie.
All the dead brothers see the necklace when you have a comes out and they're like, dude, dude, dude.
I thought that was great. Like you talk about the peanut gallery.
You're absolutely right. These brothers were brick and perfect.
Yep. By for going after the knife while Primus is bragging in the background about the size,

(58:02):
the some say is the biggest in all the land.
Talking about his dad's carriage and all this is like, dude, oh my God, you were playing this rich boy bragging entitled us.
Oh, well, way to just rush it.
Fleming and Claire Danes is like, yeah, good for you, buddy.
I'm going to I'm going to go now. And he's like, no, but you understand it's a great carriage.

(58:24):
Love it. But then they pass off the water.
So it's a Primus passes off to the wine because until his brother is dead, he won't drink anything but his own wine, passes it off to Tristan.
And then when Bernard comes, I was like, thanks.
What's your name to the girl?
Bernard.

(58:46):
Which I love how Tristan is just like, that was weird.
Oh, well, yeah, he's in Stormhold now. He doesn't know.
Like, yeah, no, like that was so much fun.
The unicorn busting the poison out of him and then pointing at him.
And the only reason we actually were able to get a slit throat in this is, I think, because they changed the color of the blood to green.

(59:10):
Blue. It was blue.
OK, thin blue looked green to me. Whatever.
OK, well, see that I think they were going for the actual like, again, because that was a you know, that was a nickname for the royalty was the Blue Bloods.
Oh, because there was apparently for one specific royal family, I can't remember which one,

(59:35):
because of the many generations of inbreeding in that specific royal family, they had a pretty severe hemoglobin problem that made their blood actual blue because they because they weren't actually able to absorb any oxygen into their blood.
OK, that's crazy. I hope you're not just making that up. I hope that's crazy.
I'm OK. I'm not making it up. I cannot verify my sources on that, though.

(59:58):
Well, the benefit of not being live. The term blue blood originates from the Spanish phrase Sangre Azul.
It was used to describe the old aristocratic families of Castile, Spain, who claimed to have pure noble bloodlines and had never intermarried with Moors, Jews or other races.
The blueness of their veins, which was more visible due to their fair complexions, led to the term blue blood to denote nobility and high social status.

(01:00:26):
Over time, the term was adopted into other languages and cultures to refer to people of noble birth or high social standing.
Because these motherfuckers had never seen the sun so you could literally see their veins.
That's pretty much OK. That I can buy that a little bit.
I mean, I can also buy the story you said, but I can I could believe that could happen.

(01:00:51):
But yeah, but I'm still right about I'm still right about blue blood.
You are. You are. You are. That was that was correct, which I thought that was a cop term.
So because of that, because of the movie, the TV show Blue Bloods.
Right. That one I think was adopted later in like the 80s or 90s where cops.

(01:01:17):
No, I can easily see that so many so many generations of cop in my family.
You practically bleed blue. I think it's OK. All right. I can see that.
So, yes, we got Preeness's slit throat and now he's he's a naked ghost.
And I like I like that. Really, they try not to talk about it.

(01:01:39):
None of them are looking. He's the only one that doesn't have a fucked up face.
So what are they going to say? Somewhat true.
I don't know. Mark Healy got poisoned, so he was pretty much exactly normal.
But the way that he shows up naked and then Mark Healy is like.
I can see how he's the comedian of those brothers, because, yeah, I love that.

(01:02:04):
Trapped in the flames and fight dude, Pfeiffer kicks this performance up like her dialogue.
Very simple dialogue, all that. But that's where like she stopped acting and really kicked in the thespian.
Like that's where like the stage performance started coming in and like, oh, goosebumps and everything.

(01:02:27):
And this really showcased the dedication and what Tristan was willing to put himself through.
He put the babbling or the Babylon candle in his hand, but his whole hand in the flames to get them out of the situation.
And unfortunately, this is where we say goodbye to the unicorn because, you know, got got by Pfeiffer.

(01:02:50):
Right. They wind up stuck in the clouds because he told Yvain to think of home and like, and this whole.
What? You stupid cow. Why would you think of?
You said, think of this standing on a cloud in the middle of a lightning storm yelling at each other over.

(01:03:12):
Why didn't you think of my home? Why would I think of your home? You said, think of home.
Outstanding. I really did love this.
And no one's no one's talking in this entire fight.
Neither one of them is going, holy shit, we're standing on a cloud.
No, that was like, no, neither of them seem to care.
They were perfectly standing on a cloud and just this. This is a this is a situation.

(01:03:35):
The middle ground to meet Captain Shakespeare harvesting lightning.
Didn't she fucking Captain Shakespeare? My God.
What a character. What an absolutely fantastic character.
Yeah. No, no way around it.
Just oh my God. I like them. They trapped them thinking they're lightning marshals.

(01:03:59):
And I like that. Just one mention. Lightning marshals.
And that gives us an entire aspect of the world building we never see.
We never hear about again, but it gives us more information on the pirates.
Right. And then it doesn't even like it doesn't matter at that point.
It's just we're establishing that these are not, you know, the most honest of men, you know, and they're.

(01:04:20):
And this is a suspicious situation like we don't need to know what the marshal is.
We just know that this that this is not a good situation.
Oh, yeah. That's it. The bonding in the brig.
And this is what I was talking about earlier.
She affirms the difference between shop boys and boys who just happen to work at shops for the time being.

(01:04:41):
And the way that that reflects on Tristan's face as he hears his own words said back to him.
But in an affirming way. That's the difference.
I really, really love. Oh, Mark Strong prematurely celebrates when he finds Primus naked in a bathtub just in the middle of the field and of nowhere.

(01:05:07):
Because what's great is that like the whole house was a trap.
The witch set was one big illusion. And so when she's gone, everything's gone except for the dead body in the bathtub.
Just sitting there in the middle of nowhere and his brothers look at that going great.
I love it. I'm king. And everybody kneels.
And then I like the ghost primus is like, yeah, forgetting something.

(01:05:32):
And yeah, no, you're right, dude. The ghosts in this played such a fantastic part about this.
And then Billy, he finds Billy and Billy informs on the witch and the star and Strong finds out.
That was Bernard. It was Bernard. Billy's dead. Billy got.
Oh, Billy was the Billy was the actual goat. Sorry, sir. You're right. You're right. Right.

(01:05:53):
Bernard. Bernard's back to normal. Yes. Back to normal and informs on the witch and the star and Strong's response that the this idiot's coming with us.
What a line. Oh, my God.
Bifers going bald and speaking of we mentioned that I mentioned this before, but Claire Dane's having a bad day.

(01:06:17):
Let's spare a thought for Bernard. Like that poor motherfucker asked for none of this.
He was just minding his own business on his little goat farm.
And now he's getting dragged along by all these psychos. That is true.
Like in another movie, Bernard would be the hero where the adventure like happened upon him instead of interested.

(01:06:41):
But this is Tristan being like the the warrior's journey, the adventure.
What would you what would you call this particular? I mean, it's not quite a warrior's journey, but he becomes one.
So it kind of is kind of. Yeah, a little bit. It's a fish out of water. It's a fish out of water for sure.
Very fish out of water for sure. Yes. Yeah. Very fish out of water, although not entirely.

(01:07:04):
Like I said, he does seem to get used to using the magic chain really fast. That's what he was.
That's it. It makes me wonder if he has blue blood because we never saw we never actually saw him bleed, I don't think.
No, that's true. This is a this is a fairy tale.
So it comes down to this is quite the hero's journey or a warrior's journey.
Every fairy tale is still in big part a warrior like a warrior's journey, a call to adventure.

(01:07:31):
I mean, they every fairy tale still kind of fits into one of the sub genres.
I suppose so, but this is a little bit closer to like Alice in Wonderland than anything else, where he's literally just kind of stumbling into everything.
OK, granted, he gets through it better than most.
He doesn't stumble out of it like he looks in the situations and has to work his way out as opposed to sometimes it's luck in luck out.

(01:07:55):
There is true.
By going bald and then freaking out about it like, where's the star and like rubbing the ring and all this.
But I will say my biggest laugh from Piper is when she's like trying to do her like beauty marks and all this.
And then both of her boobs just sag at the same time.
That got a scream laugh from me and it always have as I don't know if it will ever not.

(01:08:22):
But this is what I was talking about earlier with the tell me about Victoria.
He can't. She's such a shallow person that beyond saying she's pretty, there's nothing to talk about.
And.
Damn.
But like that, you can't buy love. And then the question, what's she doing to prove her love for you?

(01:08:47):
Realistically, there are so many great less life lessons in this film.
Yeah. And they just pop out through the dialers.
And that one is one of those things that even like I'm seeing, like.
People are still talking about to this day is that whole sort of like one sided expectation, one sided given, you know, giving that that especially, you know,

(01:09:13):
especially some of the young folks complaining about dating these days, you know, you know, there's a lot of the whole like, you know, why, why would I make all this effort to date when nothing it's never reciprocated kind of thing.
Like we're seeing that that mentality become kind of more.
What's your answer?
My answer for that. Yeah.

(01:09:34):
I mean, for me personally, it was always just sort of a time limit kind of thing.
Like I was willing to I was willing to, you know, put forth the effort and do that whole sort of like, you know, I will I will be the old fashioned prove myself, you know, buy dinner, open doors, that whole sort of thing.
But then like usually around about like third or fourth date, if I'm not starting to see some of that come back, then I'm like, OK, this is going nowhere and I'm out.

(01:09:59):
I think that's reasonable. My kind of take home position on that.
Always be the gentleman. Always do this. Always do. Always, always, always, always.
The choosy over who you give that to. You don't just give it to anybody because not everybody deserves it.
No, it's true. That's the thing.

(01:10:20):
But I think there's nothing wrong with doing all of these behaviors, all of these things, doing everything for your husband, your wife, X, Y, Z.
I don't think there's anything wrong with that.
If those are the things that you want to do for somebody, but it is very important that you find somebody that recharges you in whatever way you need.

(01:10:43):
It doesn't have to be the traditional stereotypical, any of that stuff.
You like if you got one person who literally does everything and the other person massages their feet once a week and that's all they need.
That is a balanced relationship. It is just about finding the balance.
But don't know, don't do that stuff for people who don't know.

(01:11:05):
Well, I think that's what people are finding difficult is that when it comes to these things, we are talking investment, even if it's not financial,
even if you're not the kind of person who's going to spend $100 a night on a date or something like that.
At the very, very bare minimum, even at the very beginning of a relationship, you are investing time and you have to invest emotionally.

(01:11:29):
Because if you're not going to at least cry to like this person, then it's going to fail from the start to begin with.
You have to invest emotionally in this as well.
And all too often people find out that that investment has dead ends half the time.
Minimum half the people you're going to go out with.
You're going to find out we're not worth your emotional investment.

(01:11:52):
And that's the investment that hurts the most.
And I think that's how that's what's getting people shy.
Minimum.
Wow. I know. I'm about to say, man, I'm looking at 98%, 99%.
I mean, realistically, if you are the Marion type, it usually turns out to just be one.
No, it's very true.

(01:12:13):
But yeah, that's the thing is like that's losing that on that investment is what hurts more than the money or the time.
And yeah, absolutely.
Yeah.
And so after that, I'm not talking about purely the money investment.
I'm not talking about purely the money aspect.
I'm more talking kind of like access and stuff.
And I get that. Yeah.
But that's what I think is that's what's difficult for some folks is parsing that out.

(01:12:38):
It's like if we're going to invest in like that whole like love language thing, it's like if you are going to if you're if you do invest in someone emotionally,
that means you're going to be doing the whole acts of service thing or whatever your style is.
Fair enough. And yeah.
And that's that is, you know, yeah.
After you know, if you get two or three in a row of folks that don't reciprocate at all, you start getting shy about it.

(01:13:02):
You start going. Why can't I know ahead of time if this person's worth investing in?
Oh, that would be a neat trick, wouldn't it be? Yeah, exactly.
Yeah. And so that's where you get a lot of folks just bowing out of the whole dating game because they're just not willing to make that investment anymore because they've lost it too many times in a row.
OK, I can see that. That's sad. I'm going back to the movie.

(01:13:24):
OK. The married man just brushed that right off.
Exactly. I'm a married man. Why should I be the one to talk about this conversation?
That's like saying like that's like the that's like the rich guy telling like people who don't have money to save money.
It's like I'm not I shouldn't be part of this conversation. Like, what do I have to contribute? Well, I had worked for me.

(01:13:49):
Ain't no like there's not a lot of people out there that are like me. Right. Yeah. No. OK. Probably.
There are. Yeah, I'm not exactly a unique person, but still.
The De Niro and they're also all married, too. They don't need dating advice either. There you go.
De Niro interrogation. He is properly intimidating while also being comedic. De Niro.

(01:14:16):
Mm hmm. I mean, yeah, flat out.
But can you this character? Can you imagine how many people were fighting over this?
I mean, I do like a character like Captain Shakespeare with the multitudes and the layers and the performance opportunity.
Like, do you think that maybe like before they started filming, like there was some sort of fistfight between De Niro and O'Toole over who got to play who?

(01:14:38):
I don't know, but I can't imagine anybody. See, here's the thing.
I know that there are other actors out there that could have done a good job.
Nobody would have been Robert De Niro doing it.
And that's why it was amazing because it was Robert De Niro. Yes. Yes, it was.

(01:14:59):
And I can't think of another movie, another performance where Robert De Niro gave even a quarter of that level of I don't give a fuck to go all the way into the commitment without it being like a hardcore like like taxi driver.
He committed all the way for taxi driver, but that was not like this.

(01:15:22):
This was a way different level of commitment. And the fact that he did it without blushing red the entire time.
I couldn't do that. I'd be doing that in front of a crew of people. My face would be beat red. I'd be sweating.
I would how he did Robert De Niro. Let me explain what he did.
De Niro goes soft and then oh, sorry.

(01:15:46):
So he takes your vein to his cabin and he threatens everybody. All right. Anybody else? You're going to get the same treatment.
They're like, you mean you're gonna throw you off the side of the other guy.
Yeah, yeah. No, I'm going to treat you like the other guy that I just threw over.
I'm not going to treat you like the woman I'm supposedly about to make love to.

(01:16:07):
But then De Niro goes soft and then choose the scenery to bits. It's makeover time. Switching the narrative on on its head by our world being the one that folktales are built on.
I loved how that went because if you think about that, this is a world that they don't have electricity and all that stuff.

(01:16:28):
So if you're thinking about Mary old London and all of those things that are happening at that time, those would be like folktales to people who are still living in the Middle Ages, essentially.
Like, I love that concept. That was awesome.
Cutting Tristan's hair. Oh, wouldn't that be nice?

(01:16:53):
That was kind of brilliant. Yeah, it just goes to show like De Niro's character has gotten very good at the styling thing because he just like it's not even like, oh, this is a magic brush.
No, he's just like, let's cut your hair. And then all of a sudden he's got longer hair. And even Tristan's just like, the fuck just happened.
I know. But he doesn't say anything. He's like.

(01:17:16):
The amount of things this movie did and then never pulled attention to beyond just a look or something like that. Loved it. Absolutely. Fantastic.
Ricky Gervais as Freddie or Ferdy.
Yeah, like out of nowhere with that.
This cast. Oh, my God. There were there were a lot of serious actors playing comedy in this and to have just a true blue comedian like Ricky Gervais go up out of nowhere was weirdly jarring.

(01:17:51):
And I feel like like being him go toe to toe with Robert De Niro in a comedy scene was it was like something out of Twilight Zone.
But it worked so well. De Niro playing the straight man like that.
Yeah. I mean, that is where De Niro's comedy gold really does come in.
He is a perfect straight man for comedy.

(01:18:15):
No, that is true. Yes. Just dynamite. So but to watch Ricky Gervais be the one that plays off him.
That was great. I like that. It's like, huh, look, who's having a laugh? You are.
Ricky Gervais. He absolutely killed this decent amount of improv in this, obviously.

(01:18:38):
And right. Oh, those those there. There was a lot of Ricky Gervais's own lines in that.
Obviously, it was too like too much sideline off the cup comments stuff for all been scripted for him.
Yeah. Oh, yeah. Especially like the line when Pfeiffer comes in about the two headed dog, they can watch the front door in the back door at the same time.
That specifically was tagged as improv from the so no like that. Absolutely.

(01:19:02):
De Niro learning about the star and realizing immediately that it's Yvain.
And I like this. Kristen shows up and can't handle the smoke or acting like a buccaneer.
Like everybody's waiting to be this guy and he's like, oh, oh, yeah.
And then I'm sorry, Dexter Fletcher, he crushed every single.

(01:19:29):
He was the first mate pirate that kept rolling his eyes every time. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. He you don't even like he does. He doesn't even have his character doesn't even have a name and he still was like a scene stealer every time.
And it's like the saying goes, man, there are no small parts, only small actors. And he like he's proof of that right there in this film.

(01:19:52):
Like he barely has any lines. Character doesn't have a name. But you will remember him in this movie. Oh, absolutely.
The Skytrip montage of learning to fight and falling in love and the dancing and shining with Yvain and De Niro and then switching over because he says, like, I know what you are.

(01:20:13):
But then they switch over and Tristan steps in and she starts shining very brightly.
And I'm sorry, moments like this when you get like the big tough guys playing music and looking at the dancing with like a smile on their face.
Those moments crack me up to oblivion. Right. They they just they send me.

(01:20:35):
But Pfeiffer and Ricky and this was I'm about that bit of improv and he annoys her into being turned into a seagull kind of.
It was more of a cat noise he was making. No, it was it was a seagull because they transition the scene to him making the seagull noises to the seagulls flying as the ship is coming out of the sky.
And it was literally the exact same noise. So I guess I got I don't know for sure, but I do got some confidence on that one.

(01:21:01):
No, I think you're right. I didn't even catch that. I was just thinking he was meowing like a cat for some reason.
And so I didn't even catch the seagulls. That is that is what I thought at first, too, though.
It was only during the transition that I realized what she turned him in or what she turned his voice.
Landing the skyship. I'm sorry.
The way the music works with the events in this film is so perfectly on point.

(01:21:25):
This is top tier, top tier. I I do think for the finale, I do think I know the movie I'm going to be fighting for most of the way.
I don't know how not to.
And I'm going to be so disappointed if I wind up fighting against this movie that is going to hurt.
I'm not going to enjoy that.

(01:21:49):
De Niro gifts Tristan some lightning and perspective.
And he slips up with the bar and the first mate runs and he's like, oh, yeah.
I I could watch.

(01:22:10):
I wish I had an entire anthology of movies starring Captain Shakespeare.
Yeah, right. It is it is one of the biggest cinema crimes that that is a one off role.
That is that is not that is that is wow.
Oh, then Mark Strong shows up to interrogate Ricky Gervais.

(01:22:37):
And then he's trying so hard not to be.
And it just was right. He's trying to answer his questions.
Are you mocking me? Kill him. I like.
But the best part of that line after he stabs him and walks away, clean this thoroughly.
Why thoroughly? Why include that line? Just to be perfect.

(01:23:02):
I swear to God, that was fantastic. By the way.
OK, so when Tristan tackles her into that bush, because people are coming, nobody ever came by.
I seem to remember like hearing noises like they could like who they were wasn't didn't matter.
But it's like I thought I heard sounds of people walking while they're sitting there staring into each other's eyes.

(01:23:23):
I didn't feel like they were ever quiet enough to indicate that people were walking by or I didn't hear like the people walking by.
I don't know. I just to me, that felt like a I want to tackle the pretty girl moment.
Which we've all been there for sure. Yeah, sure.
But you know, we never we never get to Tristan got to.

(01:23:47):
That's how you got to have that scenario.
A woman literally has to fall out of the sky and you have to be escorting her after meeting Robert De Niro in drag.
That is that is that is those have to lead up before you can tackle the woman to the.
A straw. Oh, he ruins the moment by bringing up the fact that like immortality, she asked, would you be tempted for my heart and immortality?

(01:24:14):
And he's like, not if I was alone.
And then like you kind of get the realization, like realization wash over her face like she's never realized that she's been alone.
Which is kind of weird because she's centuries old.
Like, yeah, have you never thought about it?
Like, I thought that was a little bit of a weird moment.

(01:24:35):
But at the same time, maybe stars aren't alone.
That's the thing is like, I don't know if it's really like how alone I mean, she doesn't talk about any of the other stars.
But the other stars talk to him about her.
We saw that. Yeah. And the dream.
Exposition. Yeah. Right.
They gave him a dream that said, look, our sister's in danger.
Go go save her.
You know, so that's the just that there is some sort of community among the stars.

(01:24:58):
But at the same time, it does seem like their whole thing from her is that they all just kind of hang out up in the sky and watch everybody down there.
And so and I guess kind of it's all like if you don't know any different, you know, thousands of years old or not.
If that's always been your existence and you wouldn't even know what you were missing until you got to where she is now.

(01:25:19):
That's a really good point.
Yeah, I could see that.
The Mark Strong's men versus De Niro's crew.
Dude, that was awesome.
Yes, it was best, best, best fight.
That was the best second best fight of the movie.

(01:25:40):
OK, yes, yeah, that's true. Yeah.
Hands down, when we get into that fight scene, I am going to just be drooling over the choreography.
But when he's like, like Fletcher, like leads them into some manners and they do that, they take their hats off and then the pirates just go all after, like go all buck in here and all this.
Hell yeah. Yeah, because they know because they know that if you salute this way to the guards, they're going to do their whole like formal military salute that ends with them taking their hats off and bowing so deeply that they're really easy to get and they get them.

(01:26:14):
Yes, perfect pirate scene, perfect pirate scene.
But during this, Robert De Niro is playing music and he is put on a dress. He has a boa wrapped around his neck. He's got a fan. He turned his very iconic mole into a heart by dabbing stuff around it and he is dancing around the captain's quarters.

(01:26:37):
He's having captain time.
It is the best captain time I have ever seen in my life. He was so much fun in that. I could not stop laughing. How Mark Strong, how many times Mark Strong must have done that scene and walked up before being able to do it without cracking?

(01:26:58):
That had to be the most fun day. Could you imagine being part of the crew on that day to get to watch Robert De Niro dancing in drag like that?
Yep. That is a life highlight moment. Moments like that are the reasons why people get into movies.

(01:27:21):
I love it. Oh my God, I loved it too much. But then yes, the pirate crew wins the battle against the soldiers. They bust in. Mark Strong runs away out the window into the water and...
Captain Shakespeare is beside himself. Not even just that this manby-pamby prince boy got one over on him and made him look weak by having the knife over him and stuff like that. But when his men came in to rescue him, he's in a dress.

(01:27:54):
And he's so crestfallen, he doesn't even try to hide it. He just sits down and is like, my life is over. And what does the crew say? You'll always be our captain, Captain.
Exactly. It was absolutely fantastic. But the way that one pirate comes in, his only line in the whole movie, we always knew you were a whoopsie.

(01:28:21):
The other thing is, yeah, they're funny about it. Yeah, calling him a whoopsie on that one. I get it. That is insulting. However, unbelievably hilarious delivery. I can't help it.
What was the meaning on that one? When the writers and everyone's looking around like, okay, we need to call him what is obviously a slur, but won't be actually offensive. What do we got? Let's hear some ideas, people.

(01:28:52):
It wasn't until subtitles that I saw that he said whoopsie, I thought that he said boopsie. I thought it was maybe some kind of dancing term for divas or something like that or cabaret or something. I don't know.
But it wasn't until I watched it with subtitles this time, I was like, oh, that's worse, but still funny.

(01:29:17):
They walk and talk about what do stars do and this is the one moment and I'm glad that Matthew Vaughn included this in the movie where we only hear the book accurate name Tristran being said.
Because in the book, his name isn't Tristan, it's Tristran and they changed it because they figured people wouldn't be able to say that.
But while this is a really difficult name to say, yeah, it is a pretty tough one. Yeah. But when they're talking, she's like, what do stars do? I don't know. Do they annoy boys named Tristran?

(01:29:49):
Like that was the only time that they actually included it and I thought it was a really good like I thought that was just a really nice way to do a throw to the book.
Even though the entire movie is a throw to the book, but still.
I thought that was really I like that.
Trading a ride with Ditchwater Sal, who can't see the star or that flower.

(01:30:13):
And this is what I was talking about earlier.
That flower that his mom gave his dad in exchange for a kiss plus that was to offer against protection from witches and magic and all this.
So Tristan was in a pretty good position this whole movie until now, then he gets turned into a mouse and which I love because we have we have seen before.

(01:30:37):
We have seen before we get another look at mom.
I'm forgetting mom's name. Kate McGowan. Yeah. What her character's name is. Una.
That's right. Yeah. So we've now seen from when Michelle Pfeiffer was visiting earlier, we saw that Una now is basically living as a bird.
She's only allowed to be human when she's serving Ditchwater Sal.

(01:31:00):
And then once she's done with her, she's back to being a bird.
So as soon as Tristan pulls the flower out and shows it to Ditchwater Sal and the bird starts going nuts, it's like mom knows.
Mom already knows. Like she like she knows exactly what's happening, you know, and but she's bird.
Which spare a thought for the mom being that close to her child, but not being able to do anything about it.

(01:31:24):
Right. Yeah. Oh, that's just it just kind of goes to show that it's like three scenes later, she's finally turned back into a person again to do some chores and she immediately jumps into action, not even blinking.
Kind of. Yeah, yeah, yeah. OK. But I see where you're coming from. The it was a very nice confession of love from Danes and her talk over watching Love for Centuries.

(01:31:52):
And yeah, I bet. Just go watch this movie. Just go watch this movie. It's so many unbelievably charming moments.
And the first mention that her heart belongs to him setting up the end of this movie. And.
I like this. This was a very, very, very smart inclusion because it is expo dump. It is treating the audience like they're idiots, except they never actually explain the results.

(01:32:23):
So Ditchwater Sal tells Tristan in mouse form when you've been like this for too long, it's going to be jarring. You're going to have like all this comes out of it.
He sees the woman he loves, but his brain is so jumbled that he accidentally says the name of the woman he loved last week.
Right. Yeah. Call it Victoria. Yeah. Yes. And the movie never it does explain why he might say something like that, but it doesn't actually explain that that's what happened.

(01:32:52):
And I love that. Again, trust your audience. I will love it every single time. That is a me thing. I have to admit.
At the end, and he tells her he heard. Oh, my God. Her reaction is wonderful.
Mm hmm. Yeah. So spectacularly.
I mean, I mean, look, I know she's done serious stuff since then. Oh, dark 30 and stuff like that. Like we know she is a quality serious actors.

(01:33:23):
Zero dark 30. Was it was that the one she was in or am I thinking of something else with the Navy SEALs? She was in like, I think so. Yeah.
Zero dark 30. What did I say? Oh, dark 30. And I was wondering if there was like something else that I didn't know about.
Sorry. That's why I was just making sure it was the Navy SEALs one. No big deal. Right. Yeah. But yeah, no, it's like she did like a really serious, you know, you know, drama, you know, things we know.

(01:33:48):
She, you know, we know she's got the chops. But I mean, her wheelhouse is adorable. Like that's that's her thing.
Like she does adorable like nobody does adorable. Like, you know, and I mean that with all due respect. Oh, absolutely. Like that's like you.
There are a lot of examples of actors trying to be adorable and instead they kind of come across bratty and entitled sounding. Right.

(01:34:14):
Even though Daines was kind of, I think, supposed to sound bratty and entitled or any of this never came across that way to me. No, yeah. Not a single time.
He confesses what the captain had actually said, and it was that your true love is right in front of you. And the fact that he just tells her and he was right.

(01:34:38):
Oh, that's some Casanova shit, buddy. That was smooth as eggs.
He learned a lot on that pirate ship. He learned. He learned to sword fight. He learned to dance. He learned to work it.
There you go. I love and then they have like we find out that they went into a lovemaking scene through Mark Healy popping through the wall of the slaughtered prince.

(01:35:03):
Fantastic to have six slaughtered princes hanging out on the balcony of the slaughtered prince.
And he pops his head like, hey, guys, you got to come check this out. And they're like.
Fantastic dynamite. I. Every minute of this, there was a moment that there was too much to talk about in this.

(01:35:27):
I love this movie. Yeah.
Waking up, cutting a piece of the star and leaving a message with the sleepy innkeeper and he's off.
For folks who haven't seen it, be a little more specific. He cuts off a lot of her hair, not like a pinky finger or something.
It's still a piece of the star. But then, yeah. So, OK, yes, he cuts a piece of her hair.

(01:35:53):
He doesn't take her foot or anything. Yeah. But then Dane wakes up.
All shiny and whatnot, walking around the inn at wall shining, which they're supposed to keep this a secret, but this is not a secret at any point in this movie.
No, she's literally glowing like everywhere she goes.
There's just like this, you know, it's and the innkeeper apparently doesn't notice.

(01:36:17):
He's he's just like, hey, I don't know.
Morning sunshine, I guess. Right.
The innkeeper, man, I see all kinds of shit glowing. This is a magical kingdom.
I don't know what you drank last night.
The innkeeper gives a warped version of the message and is almost exactly perfect.

(01:36:39):
It's just if you don't think about it or if you think like that is the way he gave the message was kind of perfect for a misunderstanding.
And I loved it. Right.
Well, because most of it didn't even come off in the wording, he may have worded it exactly the way Tristan did for him.
It was his tone of voice because he's this put upon a whole innkeeper.
He puts it in the tone of voice that makes it sound more like a fuck you than it meant to be.

(01:37:05):
Very, very good decision. But this is what you were talking about.
So you vain is walking through the market, just all sad, not listening to anything.
And Una, Tristan's mom, is like screaming at her to get her attention because Ditchwater Sal, they set up the cart, they set up the market and Ditchwater Sal went to go take a nap.

(01:37:27):
And you vain just keeps going. So what does mom do? Slams the door shut on Ditchwater Sal and then steals the cart and hijacks the cart to go save the day.
Outstanding. I loved that. I had fantastic time with that.
Tristan showing up, no longer throwing pebbles at the window, but knocking on the front door like he respects himself.

(01:37:51):
And then insulting Victoria so perfectly and dropping her on the ground.
And then Superman shows up and just drops the lugs like, apparently you have a death wish.
I loved it. Loved it. Because Superman shows up to fight, Daredevil pulls out a big sword and Superman just, ah, right.

(01:38:17):
Right. Just perfect.
And I love like, yes, because Tristan's like, I'm free. It's fine. It's fine.
We don't need to do this. You win. Like, oh, way to just be absolutely humiliated and then crushed by an actual man.

(01:38:40):
Yeah, that was how.
And then that's where we and that's where we get the big important reveal when when Victoria opens the the handkerchief that's supposed to have block of hair in it.
And it's just a bunch of sparkly dust. And she's like, what am I supposed to do with this dust? And that's when Tristan has his oh shit moment and turns and sprints back to the wall.

(01:39:03):
Yep, because magic does not exist in our world. And if Yvain were to cross the wall, she would die.
So he sprints back to that wall.
And the anticipation in the editing misleads the timing very much like you think that it might actually be close or something like that.
And I guess it is kind of close. But still, I mean, the guard is like 100 feet away from the wall because he's already walking away after everything has gone down.

(01:39:33):
But the editing that did pull the trick on me. And I got to give it that.
And everything kind of like kind of meets.
Ditchwater comes out of the cart and sees her.
My mom shows up at the hole in the wall just in time to stop her from crossing.

(01:39:54):
Yeah. And goes like, you can't do it. You know, and they're about to get into it.
But, you know, she's like, getting ready to say, like, I'm Tristan's mom.
She's ready to do it. But then Ditchwater Sal busts out of the cart and is ready to kick some ass because she's just been taken for a ride.
But then Pfeiffer shows up. And then the exact same thing that Ditchwater Sal said to her earlier in the film, heads or tails.

(01:40:16):
And then she just takes Ditchwater Sal's head off, which nice.
Right. With the added bit of comedy that Ditchwater Sal's body is running around headless for a couple of seconds before it finally goes away.
You need the comedy. You need it. You need it for like this type of movie.
It was perfect.
Tristan shows up and the guard quits. Strong is shortly behind and everybody is on their way to the Witch's Cathedral.

(01:40:43):
And I love the guards whole bit too, where he's like, I've been guarding this wall for 80 years to keep dorks like you out.
No one told me about the crazy shit that's coming from the other side.
That was good. Fantastic intro between uncle and nephew.
Mm hmm.
Like that was great. I like they charge in and the family is fully back together again.

(01:41:09):
And Septimus just goes and tackles Uno without even thinking about it.
It's like, ah, there's a person and just goes right after her.
Realizes sister and then all the dead ghost. Ah, sister.
You are so right, man. You are so right. The ghost.

(01:41:30):
Like if nothing else in this movie was was good, the ghost would have made this movie.
Yeah. Kind of amazing how powerful they were there.
But then when Tristan almost attacks his mom and then she has that I'm your mother and like all of that.
That it was tugging at the heartstrings. It very much was.

(01:41:52):
I'm not going to lie until she went, go be the man. I know you are. So you don't know nothing. You think.
Well, you have hopes. Yeah, there's hopes in there, you know, and maybe, you know, there's there's also her dad.
She's she's probably, you know, she's she's known him for a few hours as a mouse.

(01:42:13):
That's it. She don't know nothing about it.
Strong taking out that first witch by just chucking that huge sword at her.
That was a heavier moment.
But with her laughing it off, that's what tied it in to where the kids and the adults can watch this one.

(01:42:34):
And that's the thing is like this this had a this handled like like you said, there's the blue blood.
There was the comedy of the headless witch running around for a movie with such a high body count.
It's surprisingly kid friendly. Yeah. Right.
I think just oh, my God.
But yes, and of course, the dead brothers applaud again.

(01:42:57):
The voodoo doll drowning death.
Wow. Incredibly well done.
Yeah. The way he looked drowning.
All of it. Everything was so good.
Fun fact about this scene, the knife that she's sharpening to cut open your vein and take the star's heart.

(01:43:19):
Matthew Vaughn had that glass knife made to go up against Magneto in the X-Men films,
but they never actually found a reason to use it, so he wound up using it in this instead. And holy crap, it worked perfect.
Nice. It matched the tone so well, but it did make me wonder what character was supposed to use that glass knife against Magneto in X-Men.

(01:43:45):
But yeah, no, Matthew like Matthew Vaughn had that made for the X-Men like for whichever X-Men movies he was on.
And dude, I'm so happy that he was able to keep that prop and put it in another movie.
I never I don't even know if I would think about stuff like that. That is incredible.
I love it. Love it. God damn.
Now here is potentially my one and only plot hole of this otherwise perfect film.

(01:44:12):
In my eyes, perfect film.
When Tristan shows up and Yvain starts shining super brightly, why didn't they just kill her that very second?
Good question. Good question.
That is the only that like literally that is the only plot hole. That is the only thing that I can't figure out.
If everything that they seem to that they seem to believe in that would that would have been the perfect moment to do it.

(01:44:38):
And yeah, and putting it off would have just, you know, been asking for trouble, you know.
Yeah, that's it. Yeah, I think that basically I think we're just basically going to have to.
Yeah, I don't think that there is an explanation for that other than because, you know, then the movie would have been over.
So, you know, small plot hole, I guess is what it is.
Yeah. So the second which goes down with the animals getting their revenge.

(01:45:01):
Yeah, yeah. That's a kid moment. That was good. That's a kid moment for sure.
Protected by the flowers, so she gets creative.
And when she pulls that like telepathy or telekinesis or whatever to get that large vase to come forward and hit Tristan,
Charlie Cox, real world, the actor, got knocked out by that stunt.

(01:45:22):
So when he goes down and hits the ground, not a stunt.
He is like that is that is why that works so well and looked so good because he actually got his ass knocked out by that vase.
Wow. Nice. Nice. OK. Well, you know, I liked it.
We all suffer for our art. You know, very true.
I've talked I've mentioned this before.

(01:45:43):
You know, the division between the world of making movies and workplace safety.
OK. Yeah, it is a it is a very terse divide.
But, you know, to say it's it hurts me to say it's necessary.
As many hours as I want to spend talking about this, I only have one note for it.

(01:46:07):
Tristan versus Dead Strong was such a cool scene with the way that it was choreographed and how it was pulled off.
Oh, my God. The not not just how the stuntman that was playing Septimus,
not not not just how well he was bending over to do all these.

(01:46:30):
That was a good sword fight if he was standing up correctly.
There was speed. There was precision.
Everything about that was absolutely incredible.
And the dude was doubled over from the hip backwards.
That is that that that might be that might be my favorite sword fight scene.

(01:46:51):
Set aside from the technical sword fighting skills, just having it be like entertainment value and just like me just staring at the sword fight, wondering how are they doing this?
Like this scene got me all the way in.
The process of elimination with the ropes.

(01:47:14):
Because that's how that would go for me.
It doesn't matter whatever hero you are, you're never going to cut the right rope right the first time.
I mean, I can't I highly doubt it would ever go that way.
But eventually it gets it right. And then he tackles Michelle Pfeiffer.
What a film debut getting to tackle Michelle Pfeiffer and Claire Danes.
This was this for it was a career highlight for this guy before his career even started.

(01:47:39):
He gets to tackle Michelle Pfeiffer. He tackles Claire Danes.
He's going to be on a date with Sienna Miller.
Yeah, he's playing a fun nephew with Robert De Niro and a bunch of pirates.
Mark Strong, Jason Fleming, Kate McGowan.
I mean, dude, he gets to intimidate Henry Cavill.

(01:48:02):
Oh, man, I know.
I mean, it's amazing. He stayed in the biz after this because he's like, what else am I going to do?
Yeah, you got to be daredevil, be daredevil. That was the only place you can go after that.
Was and is perfect. You outstanding.
Pfeiffer, which with the knife fighting skills, just nice.

(01:48:24):
Like that fight was great. And it looked like that was Michelle Pfeiffer doing it.
Yeah, like the way they edited it, that looked like Michelle Pfeiffer,
but she was also in witch makeup, so that probably was very easy to do the same makeup for a stunt double and make it that confusing.
Don't care. They pulled it off.
But also for someone as seasoned as Michelle Pfeiffer, I would not at all put it past her to do six months of training before filming.

(01:48:51):
That's absolutely her style.
I would absolutely agree. I can complete that.
Like, oh my God, yeah.
But then she toys with them by like tricking them into thinking that she's going to let them go,
which was weird because she had them. Right.
Yeah. So that is just the Incredibles.
Like the monologuing thing kind of kicking in. Right.

(01:49:13):
I like that. What do stars do? Shine.
And then a spirit bomb, I guess something like that. Yeah. Yeah.
But then she went supernova, I guess, basically is what pretty much.
Yeah. White dwarf, whatever you want to call it.
And she's like, no star can shine with a broken heart.
I couldn't have done that without you.

(01:49:35):
Just I'm sorry. So beautiful.
Just so beautiful. I mean, come on.
Like, it just it reached into that part of me and ripped it out and just went, no, you love this.
And I'm like, I do. I just oh my God, I was all the way in.

(01:50:01):
Tristan goes to pick up the diamond for your vein.
It turns into a ruby and all of the uncles are like, oh, so what happens now?
And then, like because there's a new king and all that, which a fantastic moment.
You got it. Six of those brothers turned into white lights that went up.

(01:50:23):
And then Septimus turned into a red light that went down.
I did not catch that. No, that is that is pretty good. That is pretty good.
I think this is the first time I noticed that because I was paying so hardcore of attention.
But when I saw that red light, I was like.
You are your host. This movie is all I love it. I love it so much.

(01:50:47):
The Royal Wedding and Superman's got the hots for Captain Shakespeare.
I love that Henry Cavill threw the wank to De Niro, which also great moment for Cavill's early career.
Right. Come on. That's true.
And then Sienna Miller's just. Oh, it's so good.

(01:51:13):
So good. A Babylon candle as a wedding gift from mom and dad and mom and dad are now back together and seeming very happy.
I love that. It's I mean, you could not.
I mean, they're like we talk like fairy tales having the happily ever after type thing.
Like this is happily ever after times six is what happens right here.

(01:51:36):
But nothing doesn't make sense. And that is just.
God, what a movie. Last two notes.
They ruled for 80 years and after their grandchildren were grown, they left for the sky because as Yvain eluded earlier, he has her heart.
Her heart belongs to him because they're in love.

(01:51:57):
So Tristan is never going to age. He's going to live forever.
And after 80 years, they shoot off into the sky and just what a beautiful movie.
What a beautiful movie.
Now, this is people.
People may talk shit about like overly saccharine, sappy, happy ending type thing.

(01:52:19):
But I mean, when if you pull it off, it's there.
Yeah, when you can't you can't deny that like this is a this this is a movie that makes you feel good in every way.
And that's what that's what it's there for.
Wow. Being you know, it's got good life advice in it and all that sort of stuff.
I mean, yeah, you'd be very, very, very hard pressed to find anything wrong with this movie.

(01:52:44):
You can't you know, no reason not to show it to your kids.
No reason not to watch it on a date.
No reason to just have it playing on the background for the rest of your life where you're working because fucking a you know, there's no there's no scenario that this film would not be appropriate.
Yeah. Christmas, Thanksgiving, Halloween, like I mean, a regular ass day of the year, feeling bad, feeling good.

(01:53:08):
This movie is there for I mean.
What are the what are your final thoughts on this?
I mean, good God, all we did was gush about this for two hours.
Right. No. Yeah, I'd say this is a must see.
It's a it's a it's a timeless fairy tale.
It's right up there with The Wizard of Oz as a movie that that, you know, will live on for 100 plus years, I think, is a classic everyone should be.

(01:53:36):
Yeah, I don't know if it's got that same sort of like it doesn't it doesn't use like CG for the animals like the bird that the mom was.
That was a real bird. It was just the transition.
So the CG is not going to like there was no CG in this set aside from maybe some flames and stuff.
It's not going to age.

(01:53:58):
Yeah, no. Yeah. And yeah, no.
Well, yeah, I mean, I think that basically it sits in the same place as Wizard of Oz for me.
It's a modern day Wizard of Oz.
It is a timeless classic that everyone should see. Everyone should be watching as kids on holidays. And yeah, 100 percent.
All right. And it's and I think it's like I think, yeah, I think we can I think we can safely say there's at least one movie like that every 100 years.

(01:54:25):
Seems to be the case.
If it is this one, I would not be surprised.
I do not believe this movie is ever going to disappear.
It's too good. And even if it does kind of disappear from the zeitgeist, anybody who goes and watches it is going to flip out and go to all their friends and go, dude, have you seen this?
It is one of those.

(01:54:48):
All right. And part two of tonight's episode is going to be The Golden Compass, directed by Chris Weitz and somewhat Ann Ann Tucker,
written by Chris Weitz based on the novel Northern Lights by Philip Pullman starring Nicole Kidman, Daniel Craig, Dakota Blue Richards, Ben Walker, Freddie Highmore and Sir Ian McKellen

(01:55:12):
with Ava Green, Jim Carter, Tom Courtenay, Ian McShane, Sam Elliott, Kathy Bates, Simon McBurney and Christopher Lee.
I mean, another bang up cast.
Oh, absolutely. The cast. Yes. The cast. Amazing.

(01:55:33):
So apparently, see, here's the thing. I haven't read it. But apparently this book series, like Northern Lights is the first of a series that apparently is called the His Dark Materials series.
Yes. Yes.
I have heard very, very good things about this book series.
As have I.
No one has been satisfied with this adaptation yet. This movie was apparently, I read somewhere that this movie was the reason why George R.R. Martin refused to let Game of Thrones be made into a movie.

(01:56:07):
That is actually my first note that George R.R. Martin, you're right, cited this as one of the main reasons he wanted Game of Thrones to be a series instead of a movie.
One hundred percent. And I can completely see why.
Right. And the series that they did do on Showtime for this was pretty good. I thought it was definitely better than the movie.

(01:56:31):
But apparently even that, the people who are fans of the book, apparently even that was unsatisfactory to the book's fans.
So when I told, I watched this movie and because it was one of your recommendations, kind of, and I'm realizing now that the conversation, it actually wasn't one of your recommendations.

(01:56:54):
But I was confused and I went ahead and bought it on Amazon Prime.
Yes.
And here's the thing about Amazon Prime. Once it's in your library, you can't remove it.
So I will always have the reminder of having bought this and I'm never going to watch it again.

(01:57:17):
You know, here's the thing I remember.
And this is what I remember.
Oh, the point, the point, the point.
So the point for me bringing that up, I'm never going to watch it again, is I wasn't able to watch this movie twice to take notes on it.
I watched it once and went, no.
So all of the notes that I have are just kind of trivia about it.

(01:57:38):
Yeah. Well, and I know, you know, because, okay, first of all, let me, let me just recap real quick.
The week that I have had, okay, as you may remember last week, I was, for fear that I was not going to be able to perform last week, I hyped myself up on caffeine in order to get through the show.
Yes.

(01:58:00):
That was a substantial mistake.
That was a life error because after the show was over, I did not sleep that night.
I like, I did not even start to get sleepy until about 7 a.m. that the next morning.
Whoa.

(01:58:21):
Yeah, that has fucked my life up to an unbelievable degree since then, trying to work, trying to do things.
I've been forgetting to take my meds.
Like, I have not been able to get my feet back from under me since then.
I made a huge mistake.

(01:58:42):
So when you said to me, because you watched the Golden Compass like right away, like almost right after the very next day after that show, after we agreed to do this.
And you were like, are you sure that you want to do this?
And I just kind of offhandedly went like, hey, you know, I know, I know that we say that we're not that kind of show, but you know what?

(01:59:03):
It's probably good to toss it up once in a while and not gush over every movie.
You know what? I was. Thank you for bringing that up because I was so confused by that.
I'm like, I think I see where Doc's coming from.
But oh my God, I don't want to do this to myself again.
But I had not watched it yet.

(01:59:25):
I did not actually have a chance to get myself to sit down and watch it until this morning.
Oh, so.
Yeah, I made a huge mistake and I'm still like I said, I'm still not fully recovered from my big mistake last week.
And so I know you asked me to go ahead and be the one to take notes on this. And I tried.

(01:59:48):
I really, really did.
First of all, I can't even read my own handwriting.
I get that. That's why I switched over to typing.
I'm. Yeah. Second of all, I don't think these notes would have been that much that helpful anyway.
We can tell we can we can we will do what we can.

(02:00:11):
So some of the things to kind of talk about it in the abstract, we can.
I mean, I think because I think we're both in agreement that what it's going to come down to is we're going to basically say, don't bother with this.
Oh, don't bother with this movie. Absolutely not. No, no, no.
Like, yes, everybody will say the book is better than the movie. This one don't the movie.
The director didn't like it. The actors didn't like it. The the author didn't like it.

(02:00:36):
Nobody liked this movie. And the thing is, is that it's it's not even you can't even say it's entertainingly bad.
There's nothing that is outwardly bad about the movie. There's just nothing about it that's good.
Everything out of it, everything in this movie is just kind of meh, you know, and they tear through the story.

(02:00:57):
I assume, you know, must be a pretty epic tale in this book.
They pound through the plot so fast that you're kind of left going, what is even the point of any of this?
Like, I think one of the notes I do remember writing down was that our main character, her name is Lyra.
Lyra seems to have chosen one syndrome, meaning everyone just sort of assumes she's the hero of the story upon meeting her.

(02:01:28):
There's no like even like Sam Elliott's character. He's like hanging out in the docks, sees her sitting over there and goes.
He looks like she might change my life. Hey, little girl.
Yeah, that was very, very awkward. How about I do whatever you ask forever now?
And that's how this whole movie goes by. She doesn't even help the bear get the armor.

(02:01:49):
She just tells him where it is, which is in the most obvious place that it possibly could have been.
Like this movie was so dumb. Like, it seemed like a Harry Potter ripoff.
Which I think probably was what they had in mind.
I'm like 90 percent sure because this movie came out like right in the middle of the Harry Potter franchise fame.

(02:02:14):
Like maybe I want to say like Harry Potter four maybe had just come out, maybe five.
Whatever 2007. Right. Yeah.
And so, yeah, I think this is probably another, you know, another studio's hope that they're going to get in on the young adult magic book series franchise.
And they went for all the young adult movie, movie book tropes and everything. And none of them worked.

(02:02:38):
Yeah, none of them worked.
Director Chris Weitz has spoken on his annoyance from studio interference and how his original film was trashed due to requirements of runtime, casting and toning down religious subtext.
See. OK, now here's the thing. That's the point from what I've heard again.

(02:03:00):
I've got friends that are huge fans of this. Oh, yeah. From what I was. Yeah.
Of this book is the fact that religion is a problem in this world.
Like this is this takes the, you know, not so much now, but definitely in like the Dark Ages type thing of the the church versus scientific advancement and blows it up a thousand fold.
Because that is the entire point of the story. So to say we need to tone down the religious subtext, it's like, where the fuck are you even making the movie then?

(02:03:28):
Chuck Norris condemned this movie as anti-Christian.
Well, OK, so Chuck Norris was right this one time.
OK, well, see, here's the thing. The studios jumped in to tone down the religious subtext and the Christian community still boycotted this film anyway. Don't do that.

(02:03:52):
Like they're going to lose their minds anyway. Don't try to appease them. Make your art.
Just make it. You're not going to make you're not going to make everybody happy. That's not freaking impossible unless you're making Stardust.
But you're not going to make anybody like everybody.

(02:04:15):
I'm so. You can't make everyone happy except Stardust. That one will make everyone in the world happy.
I need to find a person who doesn't like Stardust. I need to find that person because I need to know why.
And dissect their brain. I do. I cannot understand how you can rationalize not loving that movie.
OK, so Dakota Blue Richards, she won this role in a 10,000 actor open casting call.

(02:04:43):
And because they really, really thought she was going to be the next Hermione Granger. They were so sure of it.
It really. Yeah, they really. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I don't even know if she became a better actor.
I did not think she gave a good performance in this. And I know it's kind of rude.
It's mean to slam child actors and stuff like that. They're child actors. I get it.

(02:05:04):
But we have many examples of child actors absolutely crushing it.
And I mean, Watson, for example, Emma Watson, for example, the like the amazing young woman who crushed it in The Borrowers and then just retired from it.
Retired from acting. Right. Yeah.

(02:05:27):
Like, no, open casting calls can work. This time, I just don't think it did.
And if you love this little girl's performance, that is, I guess this is subjective.
This is not a factual I am not an acting coach or critic or anything like that.
This is just it comes it comes down with the rest of the like her performance like and honestly, so was everyone's performance like even even, you know, Daniel Craig was just kind of so what in this whole movie?

(02:06:01):
Like, Daniel Craig was in this movie so little. If he wasn't Daniel Craig, I would have forgot that that character was in the movie.
No, that's a good point. Yeah. No. Yeah.
Like that's the only reason I remember half of these characters is because they were played by really famous people.
Yeah. But all the performances and all the characters were all very kind of so what?

(02:06:23):
So, yeah, I mean, it was like I don't think it was a good to say an Ian McKellen performance did not land on me.
That is weird. Yeah.
That is not something that I ever thought I would say that was especially that character. That was a character that should have been an absolute meal for someone like like Ian McShane.
But McKellen, McKellen, sorry.

(02:06:47):
Ian McShane is also in this, but he had top billing for the film and he only had one line in the entire movie.
Right. Yeah.
Wait, no, wait a second. Isn't Ian McShane the Bear King?
That was one of the that was one of the trivia things that I came across was the fact that he said that he only had one line.

(02:07:10):
So I maybe that trivia was just wrong.
But I think you're right. He was he was the other Bear King. I thought. Yeah.
Okay. I thought that's who I recognized as his voice. Then was it Christopher Lee that only had one line?
Maybe it was Christopher Lee that only had one line. Okay. I may be I may be getting that one mixed up because I didn't write that down.
Pierce Brosnan even does a whole hum job in this for a character that he should have been making me a love.

(02:07:36):
Pierce Brosnan was in this? Wasn't that wasn't that Pierce Brosnan is the the old man, the the the father.
What's his name? Father.
I was mistaken him for somebody else.
Pierce Brosnan?
Are you thinking of the right actor?
Maybe.
It's been a long week, man.
You did say that you might have to cut this bit.

(02:07:58):
You might have to cut this bit out depending on how embarrassing I'm getting this.
This ends up being there.
There's like I actually had some weird crossovers this week because I watched Gladiator this week, too.
So one of the one of the church members was the the guy who played Gracchus in Gladiator.
Oh, I was wrong. It was Tom Courtney.

(02:08:22):
Okay. For some reason to the whole movie, I thought he was Pierce Brosnan.
He just because he looks like a really old Pierce Brosnan.
I thought it was I thought it was Pierce Brosnan playing an old man.
Okay, I come I I'm not going to watch this movie again to find out who you're looking at.
Are you talking about just send me a picture of the character?
Just God, no.

(02:08:43):
No, it was the guy the guy who when the witch shows up, which, by the way, you know, when my God Ava Green.
Wow, Ava Green. Yeah.
Ava Green shows up literally out of nowhere and asks a little girl, are you little girl prophecy, which, you know, hello.

(02:09:04):
How are you? Nice to meet you.
And then says, I want to prove to me that you can use the compass. Tell me which one of the men on this ship used to be my lover.
Lady, we just met.
Also, this is a child. Maybe you don't want her looking at that.
But also, Ava Green. The answer to the question was this guy.

(02:09:27):
Oh, oh, OK. OK. OK. Then now I know who you're talking about.
But also speaking on Ava Green's character.
Her character in this film story is so weird.
The studio wanted reshoots, but Ava Green is deathly afraid of heights.
So getting up on the wires and doing all that the first time was something that she really had to push through.

(02:09:51):
So when it came time for reshoots, Ava Green just flat out said no.
Right. Yeah.
So the reason why her character is so little in this film is because they just they couldn't get her back up on those wires when they were demanding the reshoots.
So. Good God, this movie was right.

(02:10:12):
I mean, OK, so when I was giving the cast and crew on this one and I mentioned that somewhat director, Annan Tucker,
the reason why he's a somewhat director is because Chris Weitz got so pissed off with all the interference and everything like that that was happening with this film that he left.
So then Annan came in and then he got so pissed off and so frustrated with everything that he quit.

(02:10:36):
And then Chris Weitz came back. Wow. OK.
Like this movie was a disaster all the way through and through behind the scenes and everything.
So much so that this movie caused the downfall of New Line Cinema as an independent film company, forcing it to join Warner Brothers after going bankrupt in 2008.

(02:11:01):
So New Line Cinema, which gave us in Red Bull, a lot of my favorite films, the 1989 slash 1990 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie,
one of my favorite New Line Cinema, the original Mortal Kombat movie, New Line Cinema, Blade, New Line Cinema.

(02:11:24):
And when it came to Lord of the Rings mainstream.
Yeah, when it came to the kooky non mainstream stuff that studios didn't want to touch, New Line Cinema were the ones they were brave enough to actually do, you know, new shit.
And just look, look at everything that they did before joining Warner Brothers.

(02:11:45):
Everything you just listed was an adaptation. I said even though everything you just listed was an adaptation.
Doesn't matter. When it was in their hands, they crushed it. Yeah, no, that's true.
Like it just doesn't matter. This was an adaptation. How well did they do? No, yeah, no, you got a point there.
Okay. And just, okay, my final note, because like I said, I barely took anything.

(02:12:10):
I wasn't going to watch it again. I wasn't going to do the scene by scene breakdown.
I'm so sorry, guys. I just could not bring myself to do this because multiple reasons.
One, I hated it, but it was also so bad that I just couldn't imagine that any of you enjoyed it.
So I didn't see the point. Even and even if you are someone who is curious about the book series and want to get like an easy taste of it,

(02:12:37):
go watch the Showtime series, better TV series out there. Yeah, there's a much, much better TV series out there that they only did two seasons before got canceled.
But it covers, I think, the first book and a half. And that's that's good. And I enjoyed it.
So, you know, well, that does that does say something. But this movie winning an Oscar for Best Visual Effects when it came out the same year as the first Transformers movie and Pirates of the Caribbean.

(02:13:06):
Are you Rick or Pirates of the Caribbean 2, the one with Davy Jones?
What this this won the Oscar over? Yes, over Bill Nye as Davy Jones. That does not make sense in any capacity.
Even Transformers was wildly, obviously, somebody got blackmailed. Somebody.

(02:13:33):
This was, oh, my God, is to this day, Davy Jones is some of the in my mind, like the Pirates of the Caribbean. Davy Jones is insanely amazing.
Yeah, it's crazy. Like I don't I haven't seen it's been what?
Almost 20 years and I still haven't seen anything that compares to it with all the new technology we've got.

(02:13:56):
I yeah, this that this is an Oscar winning movie.
That flanked the studio that destroyed a studio nearly killed a franchise.
But I do kind of understand why you may have accidentally upon wanting to watch this while you're in China.

(02:14:17):
New Line Cinema sold the overseas rights to this film, which is what would have actually saved New Line Cinema. But they sold but they sold their overseas rights.
So the two hundred million dollars that it made overseas, New Line Cinema didn't get any of it.
Dude, what the fuck? And they had they had to sell some of their rights just to get this film made.

(02:14:40):
They like literally this film destroyed New Line Cinema. The production of it and the release.
You know, I would say just from the historical standpoint of it, to see a studio go down, a studio like New Lane go down, you might want to see the movie that made it happen.

(02:15:02):
But don't you have you have like it's not worth it. It's not worth it.
You have better things to do with your life.
No, that is why you watch the show. So we can tell you the stuff like that.
Just go watch the trailer. Go watch the honest trailer. Go watch everything wrong with go watch anything other than this movie, because you're not going to get that time back.

(02:15:27):
And I just don't think you're going to feel good about yourself or the film industry after watching this.
Yeah, like there's nothing you're not going to. Yeah, it's not even like I said, it's not even anything in there that's comically bad where you can have a good time laughing at it.
Like it's just the whole thing is just boring.
But I know it won the Oscar and I'm going to say that it's snubbed Transformers and Hearts the Caribbean 2.

(02:15:57):
But some of the CG for these animals was pretty damn good.
Some of it. They definitely put it like the polar bears, for instance, definitely came off really well, I thought.
I agree. The fight scene between the polar bears. Oh, yeah, that fight scene was. Yeah, that.
The intro scene where he's working the fire and stuff like that. That was kind of impressive.

(02:16:22):
I thought that was done. Well, yes. Yeah. But the lack of blood in this.
Oh, my God. You had a bear fight where they're covered in white fur and there's no blood.
And they're clawing each other and one dude literally gets his jaw ripped off.
No blood because it because it's supposed to be a kid's movie, even though again, see, this is another example.

(02:16:45):
Like we said, Stardust high body count, kid appropriate. This one also high body count crying badly to be kid appropriate.
Yes. And trying badly, like I said, like that whole scene about Eva Green asking like a nine year old girl,
tell me who I used to hook up with little girl. That's weird.

(02:17:09):
Like you're trying to go for a kid friendly and you wind up doing the like the most non kid friendly thing you could have done.
Right. Yeah. Just what a way to miss the mark and completely not understand what you were going for.
I. What else do you want to talk about with this one, Doc?

(02:17:32):
I mean, I don't know. Maybe if I had read the book, I could say something about that.
And I keep meaning to like I said, I know a few people that just absolutely go nuts over the series.
The series. Sure. Oh, wait, wait. The book series or the TV series?
The book series. No, his dark materials. I have heard great things about it and I may still go watch or read it one day.

(02:17:56):
I'm going to need time to forget this so I don't have the visualizations from this movie in my head while I'm reading the book.
That would definitely paint the book for me. Right. So I'm going to need some time.
How about this? Let's look. We can do this a little bit roast style and we can try to, I don't know,

(02:18:20):
bring up other movies that this one has reminded us of or something like that. I don't know.
Yeah. Well, I mean, there was a whole slew of them because like after the whole Harry Potter thing,
all the studios were trying to do their young adult super series and we got a bunch of them.
We got this, we got the Descendants from Disney.

(02:18:42):
Nautico.
Interesting concept. I never saw any of it. I think it was one of those Disney Channel exclusive.
I know we got like Twilight and like the Divergent series.
Divergent was another one. I saw the first Divergent one. I thought it was interesting.
I saw the first one.

(02:19:03):
Oh, the Maze was another one. Maze Runner. There you go. Maze Runners. Yeah.
Percy Jackson.
Percy Jackson, which I know a lot of folks have. Yeah, you're right. They really went hard in the paint on that one.
None of them succeeded.
No, I mean, Percy Jackson, I think it's still going. I hear they just started and they just rebooted it on a TV series again.

(02:19:25):
Okay. So, well, okay. So it's not still going. They started over.
Yeah. Yeah. Okay. But but yeah.
Yeah, none of them. None of them caught the same caught the same fire that Harry Potter did, which is weird because like I can't because even as someone who's seen most of the Harry Potter movies, not all of them.

(02:19:46):
I've seen them all a couple of times.
Yeah.
Never read the books.
I could not I could not tell you what it is that makes it work. That's the thing. I mean, it's I've tried and it's a little weird, especially like the more interviews that I see with JK Rowling.
I don't get how she was able to come up with any of this. She's kind of stupid.

(02:20:08):
She wrote. She wrote Harry Potter for her children or like for her children.
And from what I understand, she I mean, she just kind of stole everything from everywhere and just put it all in one book.
Yeah, yeah, a little bit of that. Yep.
That's that's from what I understand.

(02:20:29):
But at the same I mean, and I don't really feel too bad about like knocking JK Rowling because she's kind of turned into a monster.
Yeah, she she has not aged well, it would seem.
No, and she's completely doing it to herself around every corner.
Nobody is asking her these questions. She's just going on social media and just letting everybody know, which it's weird to be the magic person and then also be the person who's upset about people changing gender.

(02:21:00):
That's weird.
If you're just right, just objectively speaking in your story, you write about a girl like like people switching genders, magic, all of this stuff like that.
That's part of your imagination. All of these things.
But do you hate that?
Yeah, well, objectively speaking, that doesn't make sense.

(02:21:24):
If I were to put on my armchair psychologist hat,
I have I have I've worn it on many occasions.
What do you got?
He is the absolute trademark classist.

(02:21:45):
And I say this based on like when people have asked her what her like influences and fantasy were when she was like writing Harry Potter and stuff like that.
She never admitted to reading any fantasy in her mind.
Fantasy was for children was for the lower classes.
Yeah, I've heard this before.

(02:22:06):
Yeah, she's she's you know, she's someone who literally believes that the fans of her own work are beneath her.
She is a person who believes that there is a class inherent class system. Classes are supposed to be structured and rigid. And if you take a look at where all this starts, she's a classist.

(02:22:29):
And yes, it you know, racism, sexism, all of these things.
These are all just branches of classism. It's about there are people who are inherently up here and people who are inherently down here. And any attempt to shuffle that around is an offense.
Even if like J.K. Rowling, you are a woman and you are not at the top of that class system, you will still defend it because you are not at the bottom and you will not put up with anyone trying to shuffle that up.

(02:22:59):
I do see where you're coming from with that.
I am 100 percent old school British classist. That is that is who she is.
And I do. Yeah.
Which is amazing considering she was someone who used to be unemployed.
She wrote Harry Potter while on welfare, unemployed, raising her kids as a single mother. And yet he is the most classic of classists.

(02:23:27):
That to me is amazing.
That does suck. I mean, but there are like there are a lot of writers out there that just really are awful people.
And they well, I mean, it's come out. We just got done talking about Stardust. Apparently Neil Gaiman's been exposed. And that's unfortunate.

(02:23:50):
I saw that I saw that coming when I when I saw him in interviews, when I saw that I was like, he kind of had the vibe of a creep. And I was like, oh, man.
It's because you're considering how heartfelt and all of his work is, you know, it really is upsetting to.
Yeah. To find out that someone who's able to create like it's one thing to find out that Ernest Hemingway is an asshole.

(02:24:17):
It's like, oh, Ernest Hemingway. So, yeah, it's it's it's one thing to find out Ernest Hemingway is an asshole.
And you're just like, oh, yeah, that makes sense. You can see it in his work. He's a dick, you know.
But when someone that is that like so philosophical, so imaginative, so heartfelt, so sensitive to humanity in their work,

(02:24:40):
to find out that they are a shallow prick in real life to the to a nearly abusive level.
What what are the things that you're referencing?
But because I don't know any of this, I just like I said, just in interviews, he just kind of, yeah, seem like a guy that I don't know exactly what's going on.
It's one of the it's one of those things that as the news of it starts to pop up, I'm like, I cannot take another one of these.

(02:25:05):
I'm going to look away, like I like especially if it was somebody like Neil Gaiman that you kind of look up to.
I can understand that. But apparently the I was going to say, is he was he at ditty parties or Epstein Island?
Like what's going on? Nothing like that.
More like taking advantage of of folks at cons and stuff like that to the point where hush money needed to be paid.

(02:25:30):
I don't know what the details are, like I said, when they first start to pop up, I looked away.
But what I did catch was that there were hush money payments made and that it was that bad.
Well. Hmm. That's one of those things.
Hush money doesn't necessarily mean something really bad.

(02:25:53):
It can just not a great. No, it's not a great sign. No. Oh, my God. It's not a great sign.
But it can be as simple as something humiliating.
Like. Say like, say a billionaire has a kink that like, I don't know, like likes to have troll dolls watch or something like that, you know, and then paying hush money to people just and having them sign NDAs.

(02:26:21):
Oh, my God. Don't.
That's you embarrassing kink. You have got a sheltered life.
I'm being very gentle because I'm going to edit and post this.
So I'm still I'm still I'm you know.
Do you have OK, so.
Why don't we do this?
Yeah, what's the movie fight?

(02:26:44):
The movie between these two movies. Really, really, dude.
Oh, it's not it's not even nice. It's not even fair.
The Golden Compass forfeited before they even got into the ring.
True. It was very, very bad.

(02:27:06):
Covering covering like it for me, covering movies should not hurt.
No, no, that's true. I love movies.
That's that. Yeah. Well, and that's that's why I keep saying we're not going to do we're not going to do the how did this get made?
Shit like people keep trying to get us to, you know, audience recommendations are always these objectively bad movies.

(02:27:28):
They want us to tear apart. I'm not going to do that.
Like that's when I when I have to like I get there are people out there who enjoy watching the train wreck of bad movies and laughing at this.
I get it. And there is value in that. If that's your thing. Great.
For me, I feel like my time has been stolen. Yeah.
You can't even roast Golden Compass because the good actors are still giving good performances.

(02:27:53):
You don't really have bad things to say about them. The cinematography is not horrible.
The movie was cut to absolute shreds to where you don't like the story doesn't make sense.
This is a movie to put a toddler in front of and just have them be distracted by the pretty images.
Yeah, no, for sure. And that's about all it's good for. Yeah.

(02:28:16):
And that is that is saying that is a movie with Daniel Craig, Nicole Kidman, Kathy Bates, Sam Elliott, Ian McShane and Ian McKellen and some to say that about a movie with that kind of cast.
And it's not an anime. It's not Rio. It's not. It's the first time.

(02:28:38):
It's the first time ever, ever seen Nicole Kidman in a movie where she is fully dolled up.
We're talking dress, hair, makeup. She could not look any more like a star than she than she has in this movie.
But even he was whatever. Like I like I like.

(02:29:00):
I was bored with her and I am not bored with Nicole Kidman.
No, something is wrong. Yeah. Yeah.
This was this was rough. Round one. Who do we care about more?
Pretty clearly, it's Tristan and Yvain and oh my God, Robert De Niro is in this movie for just a few minutes and you unbelievably care about anything and everything that may ever happen to him.

(02:29:27):
Exactly. Yes. You fall in love with Peter O'Toole in half a second.
Right. Even though he's an evil bastard, you still fall in love with him.
The evil brothers that are killing themselves. You can't help but root for them to kill each other.
I mean, no, you actually care. It's crazy that you care about everybody.
Except who the movie wants you to not care about. You care about Bernard.

(02:29:53):
You care about Bernard. Billy the Goat Man, I felt for.
No, like Stardust. My God. Round one. Who do we care about more?
Stardust. Round two. Which one succeeded? Technically.
I mean, neither one of them did anything technically wrong, except maybe the editing, you know, depending on Golden Compass.

(02:30:21):
I think if there are explanations, if there are explanations in the book about how that boy wound up in a random snow town to be found by the Golden Compass, why?
Not even a random snow town, a random snow shack in the middle of the fucking tundra with nothing around for miles.

(02:30:45):
Let's start with what that shack is even doing there in the first place.
Right. I mean, good God. No, like when the opening scene with like the bear fight and all the stuff.
Yeah, sure. There was some. And then you should care about like the. Everything you should care about in Golden Compass, you just don't.

(02:31:09):
Right. Exactly. So my God, just round two goes to Stardust.
As far as recommendation. My recommendation for the Golden Compass is to not watch it.
Exactly. You have a must see versus must never see. Exactly. Yeah, it is. Wow.

(02:31:36):
So yeah, three for three Stardust. Just no contest.
Yeah. It was like so it's so badly beaten, I almost feel sorry for it, except if not for the fact that it somehow won an Oscar against the Davy Jones special.

(02:31:59):
That doesn't make sense. That dude, it should not have won an Oscar against that. No, it should not have won an Oscar against Bumblebee.
I'm sorry. Like, no, you have like I know you're only talking about the Pirates movie and you should be.
I'm not discounting that. But the first Transformers movie, I feel like that was absolutely incredible.
I went to the theaters and saw that and I was blown away by how great Michael Bay did with the special effects on that one.

(02:32:26):
I mean, it was nothing but a big old bang bang movie, but the Transformers looked incredible. That's undeniable.
So as far as that goes, no, this movie didn't even beat Transformers.
It's kind of weird. Yes. But definitely. Oh my God, Davy Jones and his crew.

(02:32:51):
Right. The Kraken. The Kraken alone should have won special effects that year.
Yeah. No, no, no, pure snub. But no, Stardust, on the other hand, absolutely outstanding.
Well, and it was like it was like you said earlier, there wasn't a lot of CG in there.

(02:33:13):
They and some of the magic stuff, but they had real animals instead of animated ones.
They only used CG where they needed to. And it wasn't half-assed or cartoony when they did it.
So it was, you know. No. Oh my God. Once again, once again, once again, once again, once again, the drowning of Septimus in the Voodoo doll.

(02:33:34):
And then his sword fight afterwards. Like, yeah, like there was like, I mean, come on.
Oh, no, I'm just talking like the visual effects. The sword fight was incredible.
The choreography, absolutely. That is quite possibly my favorite sword fight to ever watch.
It's amazing. But it's like, how did they do that? Like you said, like they must have had, they must have had the guy on wires while he was fighting to be able to stand like that.

(02:33:59):
But still, to be able to like to successfully pull those movements off while, yes, even like being on wires, but doubled over backwards, staring behind you, still pulling those moves off.
I mean, the fact that he was doing that without looking, not just bent over backwards, not looking.
That is literally a man who could whoop your ass bent over backwards with his eyes closed.

(02:34:25):
Fantastic. All right. So just 100% through and through. Stardust is taking it.
Real quick. All right. So next week, what do you got for me?
Well, it's Christmas time. So I have what I think could be the new like Seminole Christmas movie.

(02:34:46):
It's a newer one. It only came out in like 2019.
So but I haven't heard enough buzz about this movie. I don't hear enough people talking about this movie.
I think this should be a more like well-known traditional.
I think this should be the movie that you should show your kids every Christmas for years to come.
I've already watched it every Christmas since 2019 when it came out. It's called 8-Bit Christmas.

(02:35:10):
And it is like for if you're my generation, you know, the Christmas story, the old the old Christmas story.
Yeah, everybody knows the Christmas story still plays every year.
Who just right. Who just wants his red writer be begun.
This is a movie about a guy telling his daughter the story about how the about the one Christmas in the 90s when all he wanted was a Super Nintendo.

(02:35:32):
It is a phenomenal, phenomenal movie.
And I and I look forward looking forward to your reaction to it.
Fair enough. It's kind of funny that you say people from your generation
because every bro from my generation has the leg lamp from a Christmas story.

(02:35:56):
So that movie did not stop with your generation.
My generation, my generation did learn the lesson of the leg lamp when we watched that movie.
We all thought it, but we all thought it.
But none of us took the step forward.
We knew better. However, the fragile Italian.
Yes. No, no, no. That that that joke has been said a million times over for you.

(02:36:20):
OK, so you have a new Christmas movie.
I guess my response is going to be the best Christmas movie of all time.
A Muppet Christmas Carol.
You're not even going to try to go for something undersold that needs more attention.
You're going to write for the mainstream, the most mainstream ever.

(02:36:41):
I see. Here's the thing.
Throughout my life, every single year I have watched a Christmas Carol.
It does not matter when I was in Iraq, when I was in Kosovo, when I was traveling as an actor, as a photographer.
Did not matter when Christmas came around.
I watched a Muppet Christmas Carol.
The amount of people that have come by me like when I'm traveling, when I've been around people, what the hell is that?

(02:37:08):
They've never seen it.
A Muppet Christmas Carol is not as popular as you may think it is.
Should be. It does not make sense.
My mind is blown.
It does not make sense. Why it isn't?
But I have had far too many people have no idea that the Muppets ever did a Christmas Carol.
And it is the best.

(02:37:30):
Well, then I guess this counts as doing a service.
Best. The best version of a Christmas Carol.
I mean, Dickens would be proud.
Excuse me, Gonsal.
For sure.
Well, then I guess it's going to be a battle of the traditions, new and old.
We're going to see who comes out on top.
The Muppet Christmas Carol or 8-Bit Christmas.

(02:37:53):
If I do not wind up fighting for a Muppet Christmas Carol, I'm telling you 8-Bit Christmas must be the greatest thing out there.
Well, look, see, here's the thing. I really do.
As an old school Muppets fan, I don't feel good about going up against the Muppets anything, you know.
That's fair. That's that is fair.

(02:38:15):
I mean, God, Jim Henson just crushed it.
I mean, he did ruin the Ninja Turtles for me, but he also did just crush everything else.
I mean, I don't know how I mean, I'm trying to remember.
The secret of the ooze was absolutely terrible, man.
No, yeah, but wasn't Henson already dead by then?

(02:38:37):
Yeah, which is why they were forced to honor his wishes.
Oh, Jim Henson was appalled with the violence and the use of his puppets using weapons in the 1990 Ninja Turtle.
So he opposed it and then he died.
So how the hell are you going to argue that?

(02:39:01):
But you know, OK, he wasn't totally I mean, I remember the first time I showed my kids the original Ninja Turtles movie.
I had forgotten some of the details.
The way Shredder dies, my children were shocked.
They were like they they looked at me like, what is what are you what are you showing us?

(02:39:25):
Like the bad guy died, murdered him, the bad guy died, the bad guy didn't just die.
He was murdered.
Yes, he was.
This wasn't a fight to the finish.
It wasn't it wasn't me or him.
No, they were.
It was a fight to the finish.
It was a fight to the finish.

(02:39:48):
Oh, man.
And Splinter's voice in that, it Okusaki.
Ah, no, I can't I can't believe I remember that name.
That is how iconic that voice is to me.
But that that voice in particular is one that I practiced my whole childhood, which is why I can nail Splinter's voice to this day.
Which I mean, you've heard that that's that's almost what I did for your detective in in the book.

(02:40:15):
But we'll we'll talk about that another time.
All right, so next week is going to be 8 bit Christmas versus a Muppet Christmas Carol.
From now until then, stay safe and stay sane, guys, and happy holidays.
Good night, everybody.

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H.Y.S.T? | S2E10 | Stardust & The Golden Compass (Roast)

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