But Was It Really Abuse?

Season 1 Episode 5: But Was It Really Abuse?

I used to say things like, “I don’t know that I was necessarily abused. My marriage was just…hard.” I thought maybe I was being too sensitive. Maybe I was overreacting. Maybe it really was my fault.

But then I sat across from a counselor and shared my story, and heard the words I’ll never forget: “You absolutely were abused.”

Have you ever heard of coercive control? It’s the kind of abuse that doesn’t always leave bruises - but it leaves you doubting yourself, walking on eggshells, and slowly disappearing.

If you’ve ever asked yourself, “Was it really that bad?” - then this episode is for you.

Episode Transcript

(00:01):
Welcome back to I Choose the Bear podcast.
I'm your host Christy here with you through the wilderness of
healing, the unraveling of denial, and the courage it takes
to tell the truth even when yourvoice shakes.
Today's episode, I will talk about how I doubted myself.

(00:21):
I used to say I don't know that I was abused, but my marriage
was just hard. I told my friend Caitlin that
once and I said something similar.
When I walked into the abused adult center, I looked at the
counselor and said, I don't knowwhat I'm doing here.
I don't know that I was necessarily abused.

(00:44):
But then I started talking. I shared what had been said to
me, how I felt, the way I was treated, moments I had buried,
behaviors I had excused. And when I was finished, heart
pounding, tears running down my face, she looked at me and said
the sentence I'll never forget. You absolutely were abused.

(01:10):
Those words felt like a shock tomy system, marked into my mind
like a tattoo. Permanent, unshakable me.
Abused victim. Then she proceeded to call it
domestic violence. I remember sitting there numb.

(01:34):
This can't be my story. That was something that happened
to other women. Women on the news, in shelters,
on Lifetime movies. Not me.
Even now, after a couple of years, sometimes it still
doesn't feel real. But I've learned that's part of

(01:55):
the trauma too. To this day, he still says he
wasn't abusive. He told me he disagrees with me
saying that, that maybe he was alittle mean sometimes, but not
abusive. And for a long time I wondered
if maybe he was right. I wondered if I was making a

(02:18):
bigger deal out of this than it actually was.
If it weren't for the people whogently, lovingly told me that
wasn't OK, that wasn't normal, that wasn't healthy, I might
have gone back. I might have apologized just to
keep the peace. Because they're so good at

(02:42):
making you question if it reallyis you.
They're good at brushing off responsibility, at rewriting
history and making you feel likethe problem.
They say things like you're twisting my words, even when you
repeat exactly what they said. Or they say you're too

(03:04):
sensitive. You remember things wrong.
That's gaslighting. And when it's wrapped in a
relationship or vows or shared memories, it's incredibly hard
to untangle. But it's not just the words that
haunt you. It's the threats that don't

(03:25):
sound like threats, the fear that comes in ordinary moments.
My friend Caitlin in the previous episode shared how her
ex would recklessly drive when he was angry, and it brought
back memories of my own. There were times when I was in
the car with him and he'd be distracted by his phone swerving

(03:46):
in and out of the lane. I'd calmly ask him please to put
the phone down. That would irritate him, and
because of that, then he'd startpurposely swerving in and out
harder this time, making it obvious that he was doing it
because I asked. And other times, if he was

(04:09):
already upset with me about something, he'd slam on the
brakes or hit his first against the dashboard or steering wheel.
Have you ever experienced that? That moment of silent panic
where your body braces for something worse?
Sometimes I wondered if that fist would fly my way.
These are tactics. They're not just anger.

(04:32):
It's called coercive control. It's a pattern of behavior meant
to isolate you, intimidate you, scare you, and make you feel
like you're walking on egg shells.
All all without ever laying a hand on you.
Sometimes it shows up in finances.
Sometimes it's emotional. Sometimes it's something like a

(04:55):
car being used as a weapon of fear.
And the worst part? You start to think you're the
crazy 1. You start to adjust your
behavior to avoid their reactions.
You shrink. You silence yourself.
You tell yourself it's not that bad because they didn't hit you.

(05:19):
But fear is control, and so muchof it happens behind closed
doors or right there in plain sight, yet nobody sees it.
Or sometimes they do. Recently, unexpectedly, old
friends from the past reached out to me.
They said something like, we noticed things in your marriage

(05:41):
but didn't understand what we were seeing.
They understood now. And that kind of validation,
after years of being told you were overreacting, it's sacred.
It helps in trusting myself again, in believing my own
memory, my own pain. Brick by brick, I've been

(06:03):
rebuilding what was torn down. And maybe if you're listening,
if you are still questioning, itcan help you start rebuilding
too. If you've ever wondered, was it
really abuse? If you've ever minimized what
you went through, If you've everdoubted yourself because he
still says it wasn't that bad. If you've ever stared at the

(06:27):
ceiling and thought maybe I imagined it, I want you to hear
this. You don't need permission to
name what happened. You don't need a court case or
bruise or police report to proveit was real.
If it broke you, confused you, frightened you, silenced you,

(06:50):
then it matters. Your story matters, your healing
matters. And you're not alone.
Thank you for being here with metoday.
I know how brave it is just to listen to an episode like this.
If this stirred anything in you,I hope you'll give yourself

(07:12):
space to breathe, cry, journal, or talk to someone you trust.
If you're new here, you can findmore episodes of I Choose the
Bear on Spotify. If you've been walking with me,
thank you. You're part of this healing
community. Until next time, keep choosing

(07:33):
the bear. Keep choosing your safety.
You're absolutely worth it.