July 23, 2025 • 37 mins
Episode 4: The Other Side of Fear - Caitlin’s Story
Trigger Warning: SA and Physical Abuse
In this powerful episode, I sit down with my dear friend Caitlin as she bravely shares her story of surviving physical abuse and SA. What she endured behind closed doors was heartbreaking, but the courage it took to break free and start over is nothing short of heroic.
Caitlin’s journey is raw, honest, and deeply moving. It’s a story of fear, silence, survival…and ultimately, strength. She didn’t just make it out - she’s building something beautiful on the other side.
Whether you’re in the midst of something hard or walking with someone who is, this episode is a reminder: you are not alone and there is life after abuse.
Resources for support are listed below.
Please listen with care.
National Domestic Violence Hotline:
800-799-7233
Website:
https://www.thehotline.org/?utm_source=youtube&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=domestic_violence
Office on Violence Against Women
US Department of Justice
https://www.justice.gov/ovw/domestic-violence
https://www.domesticshelters.org
Ichoosethebearpodcast@outlook.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:01):
Welcome back to I Choose the Bear podcast.
I'm so thankful you're here. Choosing courage, choosing
healing, choosing to sit with the hard stories in hopes that
they bring light to your own. I have a trigger warning for
this episode. It contains discussion of some
SA and physical abuse. If this topic is sensitive or
(00:26):
triggering for you, please take care while listening or skip
this one if you need to. Your emotional safety matters.
Today's episode is one that may be especially tender.
I'm joined by my dear friend Caitlin.
She was a monumental part of my own healing journey.
(00:47):
It was Caitlin who gently encouraged me to visit the
Abused Adult Resource Center, where I eventually began therapy
and started to understand the full weight of what I've lived
through. But before she ever helped me,
she walked. Through her own.
Valley I remember listening to her story for the first time,
tears quietly slipping down my cheeks.
(01:10):
The heartbreak, the fear, the strength she had to muster every
single day. Today, she shares her story with
you, not from the middle of survival, but from the other
side. She's not just surviving
anymore. She's building a life she loves.
(01:30):
And if you're in a hard place right now, I hope this episode
reminds you there is life after this and you're not alone.
Hello, Caitlin. Hello again.
I'm so happy that you decided todo this with me.
(01:51):
Yeah. Why don't you just kind of tell
us a little bit about yourself? Well, I am born and raised in
the city we're in now and I wentthrough a bout where I left and
moved to San Diego, CA to pursue.
I was an opera singer in college, and I went there to
(02:14):
hopefully build a career and really do something different.
And I always figured if I didn'tleave soon, there was a chance
that I never would. So I took a step.
I moved across the country with whatever I could fit in my car
and started living a life. And I worked as a server at the
Olive Garden when I was in college, and I got a job there
(02:37):
when I moved to San Diego. And that's where I met my
daughter's biological father andthe the man I survived.
Yeah, yeah, I guess. Can you take us back?
Like what? What was the beginning of your
relationship? What, you drew you into him?
Yeah. Well, like a lot of survivors
(03:02):
often realize is you, you don't just accidentally fall into
these relationships. It's almost like you get picked.
I was engaged when I first movedto San Diego and the guy I was
engaged to ended up breaking things off and I was vulnerable
(03:22):
and I didn't have a lot of friends.
And this guy invited me to his birthday with a bunch of Co
workers that and I, I worked with him at the time and he was
kind of notoriously like this big, like almost scary dude, but
he was pretty nice to the peoplethat, you know, he really cared
(03:45):
about. And so people were like, yeah,
you just don't get on his bad side.
And he took an interest in me and I was like, oh, it's like
the the popular guy likes the New Girl.
And it just, we just started talking after that.
And I mean, like a lot of stuff.It just it, it started just like
(04:05):
snowballing it. It was we were talking and then
immediately we were dating and then within a month we were
living together and then a monthlater I was pregnant.
Oh boy. And at first it felt like a
fairy tale and I was like, oh wow, like look at this life I'm
building and all this stuff. But I, I think I forgot that I
(04:25):
moved there to build a career and now I'm, and now I'm
pregnant and I didn't get to do anything and still server at the
Olive Garden. And it just, it was looking
back, there was a lot of patterns that I missed where it
was so obvious what was happening, where I don't think
your normal person falls in lovethat quickly or decides that
(04:47):
they want a baby with somebody that they've known for a couple
months that quickly. And yeah, it, it was a lot.
But at the time I thought I was so happy.
Yeah. So would you say he was like
love bombing you and that's kindof what drew you in?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was when we would talk, it
would He somehow always had all the same interests as me.
(05:12):
And if I brought up like a sillysong that was like one of my
favorite goofy things to listen to, he'd be like, Oh my God,
look at I'm listening to that right now.
What a coincidence. And they're always the first one
to tell you that they love you when you're kind of like
tiptoeing because you're like, Idon't know how I feel like this
is a lot, but and he's like, well, I know I love you and I'm
(05:32):
like, oh heck, I love you too. And and then you're in it.
But it it as as charming as he was, he was a great guitar
player and was decently handsome.
There was just, there was just so many things that were little
(05:53):
things that happened that, you know, now that I have the
perspective, the potential was always there for abuse.
And I just you never think it's going to happen to you.
You, you, you're always thinkingI'm a strong person.
I wouldn't put up with that, butevery one of those little things
(06:17):
just slowly chipped away at a boundary I thought I had until
it just made everything normal. And then once you're in it, it's
hard to separate yourself from it because then you've made this
investment, then you've spent all this time you're having a
(06:39):
baby with this person. So I remember when I was
pregnant, the the first time I felt scared was he had found out
that before we ever started talking or knew each other, when
I had just broken up with or my fiance had just broken up with
(07:00):
me. I had kind of been dating around
a little bit. And he found out that a guy that
he knew was one of the guys thatI had hung out with.
And we were driving on the freeway in California, and
suddenly he just started speeding, like, and swerving.
And then you read about it and you hear that, you know, that's
(07:23):
a pretty common thing for abusive partners to do.
Is it just they do things like slamming doors or really
reckless driving? And that's what started
happening. And he started questioning me on
stuff. And I realized really quickly
that this wasn't a safe relationship anymore because if
(07:43):
I told him the truth, that was going to be unpredictable.
I didn't know how he was going to react.
He was already so angry, not knowing anything, that now I had
to hide the truth of the fact that I had hung out with this
person. And I just wanted us to get home
(08:04):
because it was terrifying. I I'm not used to big city
traffic and to be on these five lane highways and he's swerving
and speeding and yelling and I just remember that every time we
were in the car together, I would just squeeze the door
because it was just the only control in that moment I had was
(08:26):
holding on for dear life. When did you first start to
experience the like the physicalabuse?
So he wasn't physically abusive in that moment.
He was just reckless driving, which is like definitely an
abusive tendency. When did he finally lay hands on
you? He, he first hit me when we had
(08:52):
just moved to Portland, OR in 2020.
We had moved across the country and moved back for about a
month. And of course he hated it.
He couldn't hold down a job. He hadn't worked in two years at
that point. And he got a job here through
some people that you know, my family is friends with.
(09:13):
And he hated it. He had to quit.
He did 2 shifts and he was done.And he goes, we need to go to
Portland. And I'm, I'm like, OK.
And then the truth came out, 'cause I had tried leaving him,
I think two or three times before that.
And the last time before we had moved back, I, I was like, I'm
(09:34):
done. I can't do this.
And things were awkward and justreally terrible.
And I ended up hanging out with somebody and he found out that I
had hung out with somebody afterI'd tried ending things with
him. And he knew because it turns out
that the entire time we were together, he was still talking
(09:57):
to a girl that he had had a secretly relationship with since
before we were together. So we had been together at that
point for about 5 years. And the whole time he was
talking to this girl and her friend had found out that I had
hung out with. This.
Oh my goodness. This other person and I remember
(10:18):
he stormed into our bedroom, my daughter was on the bed and I
was on the other side of the room and he shoved me and this
man probably had A at least 150 to 200 lbs on me and my feet
left the ground and I flew back onto a pile of my own stuff.
(10:41):
And my daughter was right there and saw it.
And he started yelling at me andall this stuff.
And I just, you know, try. I tried to deescalate and
started, you know, honestly telling him the answers to the
questions he asked. Well, he called me every name in
the book that you would never expect someone that loved you
(11:04):
would ever call you. And eventually I got out of the
room and closed the door becauseI didn't want her to see it.
Unfortunately, I knew she would still hear it, but I didn't have
anywhere to go. I didn't have a car.
I knew one person in that city. And then it was just a lot of
(11:31):
shoving. I remember we had a little like
a bar thing that went around ourkitchen, an island.
Sorry, I can't, but it was an island and he had shoved me into
it so many times that it dented.Oh wow.
And that was the first time, andit was a couple days before my
(11:54):
birthday. Wow.
And he, I I don't remember that one as much.
I just remember that I had bruises.
Yeah. And then he invited a bunch of
people over to our apartment formy birthday to celebrate while
still being so angry at me. And then he was giving me gifts
(12:15):
in front of people, and I had tojust say thank you.
And then at one point, I startedcrying, and he pulled me into
the other room. And he's like, you need to get
it together, this don't you see what I'm doing for you and all
this stuff. And then a few days after my
birthday is when I I he, he asked me to be honest with him
(12:42):
and I started telling him everything.
And every time I would answer a question, he would take both of
his fists and punch me in the chest.
And then it just escalated and escalated.
And at one point, he had me by my throat and had lifted me up
off the ground and I could see my vision starting to fade and I
(13:06):
couldn't get his hand off my throat.
And then there was a few times where he would hit me across the
head and I'd fall on the ground and then he'd kick me.
And then I had bruises all over my legs, my ribs, my arms.
At one point he had grabbed me around my neck and started
(13:30):
touching me saying oh, isn't this what you like though and
all that stuff. And I at at that point I just
started trying to run and get away.
And it was a small apartment andhe tripped and fell while he was
chasing me and bruised up his ankle really badly.
(13:53):
And that was something that madehim really snap because now now
he had gotten hurt even though it was his own fault.
And he said, I'm going to kill you.
And I ran and I and I curled up against the wall and I put my
hands around my head and I just tried to make myself as small as
(14:16):
possible. And then he started.
He was basically just punching my head back and forth.
And it felt like it was my head was like a basketball.
And I remember my I felt my headgo back and forth and it started
feeling light headed. And then I brought my hands to
my face and then when I pulled them back down, they were just
(14:38):
covered in blood. And then he saw me and saw that
I was covered in blood. And then he started panicking.
And then he made me get in the shower.
He made me clean myself up. And when I looked in the mirror
(15:01):
after getting out of the shower,above each eye, I had what
looked like a golf ball on each temple.
And I saw the scar from one of those.
And I mean, it didn't get betterafter those few days because it
was probably just a week straight of if it wasn't
(15:24):
physical abuse, it was him reminding me that I deserved
everything that he did. And at one point he even said to
me, do you, do you not think youdeserve this?
And I said, I don't, I don't think anybody deserves this.
And he said if that's how you feel, then you need to
(15:46):
drastically lower yourself worth.
Wow, wow. I remember looking in the mirror
and seeing how bruised my face was and those big lumps on my
head. And of course he was very
apologetic the next day. He didn't let me go to sleep
(16:07):
that night before because it wasobvious that there was some,
there was a brain injury. Yeah, right.
I couldn't really stand up straight.
My vision was really messed up. He kept apologizing and I
remember looking in the mirror at myself and he saw me pull my
(16:29):
hair out of my face and he just said, I'm so sorry.
I didn't want to do that to you.And I, I, I knew I had reached a
point of just no self worth, nothing that I looked in the
mirror and then I looked at him and I said maybe this is a good
(16:51):
thing. Maybe I just needed to be ugly
for a while. Oh wow, wow.
Yeah. And I'd like to say that, you
know, you left the next day and you, you you're like, I'm never
going to put up with this again.And but I stayed for a few days
(17:13):
after that, almost a week, untilhe was at work, finally got a
job and he was at work while I was at home.
And he suddenly stopped texting me back because he said
something made him mad. And then I felt that, that
feeling in your chest where it was tight and you can't breathe.
(17:38):
And I just thought, oh, no, I can't.
I can't be here when he gets back.
And I had one friend named Emilyin Portland.
And I called her and I said, youneed to come get me right now.
I need to get out of here. I need to leave.
(17:58):
So I packed up everything that Icould and she came and she
showed up and she took one look at me and she go.
And I was like, OK, Are you ready?
I'm ready to go. I just need to find a new place.
Need to do this. And she saw me and she goes, we
need to get you to the hospital.And this was a few days after a.
Few days. After Yeah.
(18:20):
So the bruising was worse than it was initially.
She took me to the hospital. There was COVID protocols where
you couldn't have more than one person with you at the same at
at a time. And I said, I basically said,
look at me, I need my daughter and I need my friend.
And they said, OK, when you check in at a emergency room,
(18:45):
you have a list of stuff that they always do first.
They they check your temperature, they check your
blood pressure, they ask you questions.
They went to take my blood pressure and I had too many
bruises on my arms that they couldn't take my blood pressure.
Oh my goodness. And.
So they're like, well, where else can we take blood pressure?
(19:07):
I mean, I think you can do it sometimes in a leg or you can.
I had too many bruises on my legs and they couldn't take my
blood pressure at all. I got a full exam and
everything. And then I went home with her
that night and they, you know, they, they checked out my head.
(19:28):
I had AI had a brain injury. It was, you know, it had been a
few days. So at that point, like I could
sleep, I could do what I needed to do, but just I had to be
really careful. I still got lightheaded easily
because he had punched me so many times in my chest.
I had a big bruise right on my sternum and it probably took six
(19:50):
to nine months for my sternum tonot make a popping noise when I
took a deep breath. Wow.
But my friend saved me. She she got me out of there and
she stayed with me every step ofthe way, from talking to the
police to when he was arrested to when.
(20:12):
I had to stay in the grossest hotel room I've ever stayed in
in my life. But it was quiet and it had a
lock on the door and he didn't know where I was.
That's all that mattered. But she, she checked in on me
every day. She stayed with me when I needed
it. And he went to jail and I got
(20:37):
granted leave from the court to move back and I packed up
everything that I had, which was2 suitcases, one that she lent
me because I only had one suitcase and I had two boxes.
And I left everything else behind.
I got on a plane and I came home.
Was she I guess a huge part for you in leaving then?
(21:00):
Like would you have have left ifshe hadn't helped you out with
that? I feel like it's huge for.
I I don't think I would have. Yeah, I think I would have
stayed and I think I would have died.
Wow. I he wasn't done.
I he even told me that if he ever found out one other thing
(21:22):
that I might have lied about, he's like I'll I'll never do
this to you again unless I find out something else.
Wow. And I knew and I knew if I
stayed that, that I, I would endup dead.
And for the sake of my child, I,I needed to stay alive.
(21:42):
I needed to do better. And I, and I did.
And I, I call Emily my Angel allthe time because I was so
scared. And she just calmly but urgently
basically said, no, no, this is what we're doing.
You're not just getting, we're going to the hospital.
(22:05):
And, and her and her fiance werethey let me stay with them.
I mean, they, they fed me, they let me be in their home.
And I never felt like I was intruding.
They just, they were just there and wanted to help and so many
(22:26):
people don't get that. Yeah, absolutely.
And so because of her, I was just so incredibly lucky and she
drove me to the airport when I left.
And there's not a day of my lifewhere I don't look back on that
time and say that she saved my life.
Wow. So.
So in your healing process, whathas helped you to heal?
(22:52):
I would say talking about it wasa lot.
And and your reactions from people are always going to be
vastly different. There's going to be people who
say thank you for sharing your story.
There are going to be people whosay the fact that you're
speaking might give somebody else the courage to speak for
(23:15):
themselves. And then there's going to be
people who say, will she just stop?
When is she gonna stop talking about this?
Like no one wants to hear about that.
But I've I've been able to take time to not only figure out the
(23:36):
kind of life that I want for me and my child, but also being
able to recognize when people are going through something
similar and helping them find resources in ways that I, I had
a court advocate that would helpme with stuff, but a lot of
stuff I had to figure out on my own.
(23:56):
Yeah, yeah. And if I can guide people to
show them that there are resources for them, yeah, that's
been really rewarding because I've, I mean, obviously I, I
helped you find. Helped me, yeah, absolutely.
And name it yeah. And, and then there was two
other people that I had reach out to me or that were, you
(24:19):
know, I, I was given one girl's name and basically gave them an
idea of what to expect moving forward.
Help them research resources in their area because they weren't
in my study, but I knew through different, you know, court pages
or a lot of Google searching that there's a lot of resources
(24:42):
out there for not just women, but women, children, men who
have gone through abuse. And there's always somebody
there who can help you navigate it.
Yeah, because it's a lot. And that's huge to have somebody
who helps you with that. I mean, especially when you're
you've never walked this journeybefore.
(25:02):
I mean, I'd say a lot of us havenever walked this kind of a
journey before. We're just floundering when
we're getting out of it. And to have somebody say here,
let me come alongside you, I know what we need to do.
This is what we're gonna do. It's huge.
It's it, like I said, monumental.
I mean, how has yourself or how has your view of yourself
(25:24):
changed since then? At first it it was a little
embarrassing once you realize the things that you allowed
yourself to endure in whether it's thinking that you're doing
the right thing or being loyal to realize the things that you
(25:47):
allowed yourself to put up with is tough.
But then you move past that and then you get this like hit of
strength that you're I survived that.
And you get really proud of yourself because there are
people who don't survive it and or there are people who just
never have the resources or courage or realize their worth
(26:16):
to leave. Yeah, absolutely.
And then after that, it feels like a whole other life that you
had. Yeah.
Where you you think back and it,it, it, it feels like that old
person that went through that isjust this ghost and suddenly
you're on the other side and just say that was weird.
(26:39):
It was just a little. Rough.
Yeah. I feel like a lot of women don't
feel like they can leave. And when they're told, yes, you
have this power to leave, I mean, that for me even was like,
(27:01):
I can do this, I can leave. And I don't know, Whizzer, I
mean, what would you say to another woman listening right
now? You will know when it's time.
Yeah. And people are gonna tell you.
(27:21):
You need to do this now. There are people that are gonna
tell you why didn't you do it sooner, But the important thing
is that you see it and as long as eventually you do it because
it's the starting is hard, the getting through it's hard, the
afterwards is hard. But there will, there will be a
(27:44):
day where you will leave in yourtime when you're ready.
And it will, it will feel like you get to breathe for the first
time. And as long as you hold on to
the hope that you're going to beable to breathe soon, just just
(28:06):
do it. But, but you have to let them do
it in their time. That's the worst part.
No one's going to leave because you told them.
They're going to leave when theyknow it's time and just don't
when you do it. Really try your hardest never to
go back. Yeah, yeah.
I mean, I've heard that so many times where, you know, like him,
(28:29):
he was promising, oh, I won't dothese things.
And a lot of women tend to fall back into that and then realize
it's no different. It hasn't changed.
Would you say that you see yourself as a survivor, or would
you say you see yourself as something else?
(28:50):
I definitely see myself as a survivor because I did survive
something that not all women have the privilege to survive.
And I did it and I have a child who has come through and myself
who's come through and we're OK.But I also through everything.
(29:17):
I think it also made me softer. Like I'm stronger, but I'm also
softer. I, I see people a lot
differently than I used to and Itry to have a lot more
compassion than I used to. Because you will always be
(29:41):
surprised by the people that youmeet and the things that they go
through and the people, the things that people have survived
that they never talk about it just it made me appreciate
safety so much more. And the quiet and the calm and
(30:04):
the mundane versus searching outsomething that's like even not a
person, but a life that's passionate and exciting.
But to bring it down and really enjoy the calm, yeah.
Yeah, the safety like yeah, likeyou said the.
(30:25):
And being able to provide that for people in my life, yeah.
That, that's something I, I wantto do because not everybody has
somebody who will just say, OK, you know, just talk to me, yeah,
what do you need, right. With no condition, right.
Because I I had to ask people for help.
(30:46):
And it's a lot easier to offer it to somebody who needs it than
to wait for somebody to ask you for help.
Yeah. Who would you say some of these
women could reach out to? What would what would be like a
resource that you would suggest for them if they're in another,
you know, state or like what would be your first thought?
(31:07):
So a lot of states have their own kind of organizations for
particularly like battered and abused women, children, people
in general. And a lot of these websites also
have quick close tabs where you can, you know, it, it will have
(31:33):
one button that you hit and everything will shut down and it
won't, you know, show up. So if you need it in an
emergency, but if you yourself can't do the research to find
these resources, I always recommend that you reach out to
a friend who can do that research for you as well.
And just, you know, try and findit.
(31:57):
There are there are apps that you can download as well that
help you find resources or emergency help if you need it.
The Abused Adult Resource Centeris a huge one because they'll
offer not only therapy guidance through different court
processes, but they also do something, I believe it's called
(32:21):
Hope for the Holidays where theyprovide a Christmas tree and
gifts for you and your kids. If you're in a situation where
you can't afford it or just wantto be able to give your kids and
yourself a Christmas, I still have a pair of boots I got from
that, that every time I put themon, I'm like, like, how cool
(32:45):
that that. And this is all a volunteer
thing where people will sign up to buy all these gifts and you
just, you just make a list of things that you kind of like.
And then these people come and they, and they buy it all for
you. And it's like I I got like
bubble baths. Oh wow, a pair.
Of boots and it's there's every city has something you just have
(33:09):
to it's usually one small littleGoogle search away and you'll be
amazed at the stuff that pops out because it's so common.
Wow, it's so common and it's it's sad that it's common, but
it's also, it's also nice to know that because this horrible
(33:31):
thing is so common that all of this help has come up out of it.
Yeah, Wow. Well, I, I really appreciate you
sharing your story with me and with all the listeners.
Yeah. Is there anything else you'd
like to add? Thank you for having me as soon
(33:55):
as as soon as I saw that you were doing this.
I, I had hoped you would ask me to be a part of it, but I am
just, I am so proud to see you doing this because when we first
met versus now, it's been remarkable.
You're gonna make me cry. We're just gonna start bawling
(34:19):
right now. You see it all the time, the
transition between somebody saying, I don't think I was
necessarily abused, it was just hard to then watching them
recognize it, accept it, but then use it to say, and that
(34:42):
will never happen again. Yeah, hopefully.
Yeah, hopefully. So.
Well, you were definitely one ofthe first people on my mind that
I wanted to ask if you wanted tobe on this with me because I
want people to hear your story cuz well, we both are coming out
(35:02):
of an abusive situation. Your abusive situation looks a
little bit different from mine. And so there will be women that
relate to yours more so than they relate to mine.
And I want to get that broad spectrum because like you said,
it is, it's so common and it's just that breaks my heart how
(35:22):
common it is. And that's and it.
Always. It always starts in a similar
place, but for people to recognize that there's the abuse
I went through at the end was horrible.
Absolutely. But also the four years leading
up to it, I was going to say howinsidious, the emotional, the
(35:48):
financial, just those sorts of abuses that eventually escalate.
But being able to name those as well, yeah.
Absolutely. And I was going to say too, like
you had time in between there where he had to have been
different kinds of abusive. You said it leads up to that
(36:09):
point. And so I, I really do appreciate
you sharing and being here and. Always, Yeah.
And with that, I would even say if any of you women are
interested in, you know, asking any questions or anything like
that, you can message me at ichoosethebearpodcast@outlook.com.
(36:33):
I will put that in the like the show notes there.
And then I can even get you in contact with Caitlin if you
would like to speak with her more on on her experiences and
maybe like I said, any questionsthat you might have.
Absolutely. Yeah.
Thank you so much, Caitlin. Thank you for you're the best.
You're the best. Thank you so much for listening
(36:56):
to today's episode with my dear friend Caitlin.
Her story is raw, powerful, and honest, and I hope it reminded
you that healing is possible even after the darkest of
seasons. If you took anything from today,
I hope it's this. You're not alone.
(37:16):
We're here for you, even if it feels like no one else is.
I've listed a few resources below in case you need help
right now. Please don't wait to reach out.
You deserve support. You deserve safety.
You deserve healing. Until next time, be the bear I
(37:38):
know you are. Rise like the phoenix and know
there is beauty from the ashes on the other side.
Welcome back to I Choose the Bear podcast.
I'm so thankful you're here. Choosing courage, choosing
healing, choosing to sit with the hard stories in hopes that
they bring light to your own. I have a trigger warning for
this episode. It contains discussion of some
SA and physical abuse. If this topic is sensitive or
(00:26):
triggering for you, please take care while listening or skip
this one if you need to. Your emotional safety matters.
Today's episode is one that may be especially tender.
I'm joined by my dear friend Caitlin.
She was a monumental part of my own healing journey.
(00:47):
It was Caitlin who gently encouraged me to visit the
Abused Adult Resource Center, where I eventually began therapy
and started to understand the full weight of what I've lived
through. But before she ever helped me,
she walked. Through her own.
Valley I remember listening to her story for the first time,
tears quietly slipping down my cheeks.
(01:10):
The heartbreak, the fear, the strength she had to muster every
single day. Today, she shares her story with
you, not from the middle of survival, but from the other
side. She's not just surviving
anymore. She's building a life she loves.
(01:30):
And if you're in a hard place right now, I hope this episode
reminds you there is life after this and you're not alone.
Hello, Caitlin. Hello again.
I'm so happy that you decided todo this with me.
(01:51):
Yeah. Why don't you just kind of tell
us a little bit about yourself? Well, I am born and raised in
the city we're in now and I wentthrough a bout where I left and
moved to San Diego, CA to pursue.
I was an opera singer in college, and I went there to
(02:14):
hopefully build a career and really do something different.
And I always figured if I didn'tleave soon, there was a chance
that I never would. So I took a step.
I moved across the country with whatever I could fit in my car
and started living a life. And I worked as a server at the
Olive Garden when I was in college, and I got a job there
(02:37):
when I moved to San Diego. And that's where I met my
daughter's biological father andthe the man I survived.
Yeah, yeah, I guess. Can you take us back?
Like what? What was the beginning of your
relationship? What, you drew you into him?
Yeah. Well, like a lot of survivors
(03:02):
often realize is you, you don't just accidentally fall into
these relationships. It's almost like you get picked.
I was engaged when I first movedto San Diego and the guy I was
engaged to ended up breaking things off and I was vulnerable
(03:22):
and I didn't have a lot of friends.
And this guy invited me to his birthday with a bunch of Co
workers that and I, I worked with him at the time and he was
kind of notoriously like this big, like almost scary dude, but
he was pretty nice to the peoplethat, you know, he really cared
(03:45):
about. And so people were like, yeah,
you just don't get on his bad side.
And he took an interest in me and I was like, oh, it's like
the the popular guy likes the New Girl.
And it just, we just started talking after that.
And I mean, like a lot of stuff.It just it, it started just like
(04:05):
snowballing it. It was we were talking and then
immediately we were dating and then within a month we were
living together and then a monthlater I was pregnant.
Oh boy. And at first it felt like a
fairy tale and I was like, oh wow, like look at this life I'm
building and all this stuff. But I, I think I forgot that I
(04:25):
moved there to build a career and now I'm, and now I'm
pregnant and I didn't get to do anything and still server at the
Olive Garden. And it just, it was looking
back, there was a lot of patterns that I missed where it
was so obvious what was happening, where I don't think
your normal person falls in lovethat quickly or decides that
(04:47):
they want a baby with somebody that they've known for a couple
months that quickly. And yeah, it, it was a lot.
But at the time I thought I was so happy.
Yeah. So would you say he was like
love bombing you and that's kindof what drew you in?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was when we would talk, it
would He somehow always had all the same interests as me.
(05:12):
And if I brought up like a sillysong that was like one of my
favorite goofy things to listen to, he'd be like, Oh my God,
look at I'm listening to that right now.
What a coincidence. And they're always the first one
to tell you that they love you when you're kind of like
tiptoeing because you're like, Idon't know how I feel like this
is a lot, but and he's like, well, I know I love you and I'm
(05:32):
like, oh heck, I love you too. And and then you're in it.
But it it as as charming as he was, he was a great guitar
player and was decently handsome.
There was just, there was just so many things that were little
(05:53):
things that happened that, you know, now that I have the
perspective, the potential was always there for abuse.
And I just you never think it's going to happen to you.
You, you, you're always thinkingI'm a strong person.
I wouldn't put up with that, butevery one of those little things
(06:17):
just slowly chipped away at a boundary I thought I had until
it just made everything normal. And then once you're in it, it's
hard to separate yourself from it because then you've made this
investment, then you've spent all this time you're having a
(06:39):
baby with this person. So I remember when I was
pregnant, the the first time I felt scared was he had found out
that before we ever started talking or knew each other, when
I had just broken up with or my fiance had just broken up with
(07:00):
me. I had kind of been dating around
a little bit. And he found out that a guy that
he knew was one of the guys thatI had hung out with.
And we were driving on the freeway in California, and
suddenly he just started speeding, like, and swerving.
And then you read about it and you hear that, you know, that's
(07:23):
a pretty common thing for abusive partners to do.
Is it just they do things like slamming doors or really
reckless driving? And that's what started
happening. And he started questioning me on
stuff. And I realized really quickly
that this wasn't a safe relationship anymore because if
(07:43):
I told him the truth, that was going to be unpredictable.
I didn't know how he was going to react.
He was already so angry, not knowing anything, that now I had
to hide the truth of the fact that I had hung out with this
person. And I just wanted us to get home
(08:04):
because it was terrifying. I I'm not used to big city
traffic and to be on these five lane highways and he's swerving
and speeding and yelling and I just remember that every time we
were in the car together, I would just squeeze the door
because it was just the only control in that moment I had was
(08:26):
holding on for dear life. When did you first start to
experience the like the physicalabuse?
So he wasn't physically abusive in that moment.
He was just reckless driving, which is like definitely an
abusive tendency. When did he finally lay hands on
you? He, he first hit me when we had
(08:52):
just moved to Portland, OR in 2020.
We had moved across the country and moved back for about a
month. And of course he hated it.
He couldn't hold down a job. He hadn't worked in two years at
that point. And he got a job here through
some people that you know, my family is friends with.
(09:13):
And he hated it. He had to quit.
He did 2 shifts and he was done.And he goes, we need to go to
Portland. And I'm, I'm like, OK.
And then the truth came out, 'cause I had tried leaving him,
I think two or three times before that.
And the last time before we had moved back, I, I was like, I'm
(09:34):
done. I can't do this.
And things were awkward and justreally terrible.
And I ended up hanging out with somebody and he found out that I
had hung out with somebody afterI'd tried ending things with
him. And he knew because it turns out
that the entire time we were together, he was still talking
(09:57):
to a girl that he had had a secretly relationship with since
before we were together. So we had been together at that
point for about 5 years. And the whole time he was
talking to this girl and her friend had found out that I had
hung out with. This.
Oh my goodness. This other person and I remember
(10:18):
he stormed into our bedroom, my daughter was on the bed and I
was on the other side of the room and he shoved me and this
man probably had A at least 150 to 200 lbs on me and my feet
left the ground and I flew back onto a pile of my own stuff.
(10:41):
And my daughter was right there and saw it.
And he started yelling at me andall this stuff.
And I just, you know, try. I tried to deescalate and
started, you know, honestly telling him the answers to the
questions he asked. Well, he called me every name in
the book that you would never expect someone that loved you
(11:04):
would ever call you. And eventually I got out of the
room and closed the door becauseI didn't want her to see it.
Unfortunately, I knew she would still hear it, but I didn't have
anywhere to go. I didn't have a car.
I knew one person in that city. And then it was just a lot of
(11:31):
shoving. I remember we had a little like
a bar thing that went around ourkitchen, an island.
Sorry, I can't, but it was an island and he had shoved me into
it so many times that it dented.Oh wow.
And that was the first time, andit was a couple days before my
(11:54):
birthday. Wow.
And he, I I don't remember that one as much.
I just remember that I had bruises.
Yeah. And then he invited a bunch of
people over to our apartment formy birthday to celebrate while
still being so angry at me. And then he was giving me gifts
(12:15):
in front of people, and I had tojust say thank you.
And then at one point, I startedcrying, and he pulled me into
the other room. And he's like, you need to get
it together, this don't you see what I'm doing for you and all
this stuff. And then a few days after my
birthday is when I I he, he asked me to be honest with him
(12:42):
and I started telling him everything.
And every time I would answer a question, he would take both of
his fists and punch me in the chest.
And then it just escalated and escalated.
And at one point, he had me by my throat and had lifted me up
off the ground and I could see my vision starting to fade and I
(13:06):
couldn't get his hand off my throat.
And then there was a few times where he would hit me across the
head and I'd fall on the ground and then he'd kick me.
And then I had bruises all over my legs, my ribs, my arms.
At one point he had grabbed me around my neck and started
(13:30):
touching me saying oh, isn't this what you like though and
all that stuff. And I at at that point I just
started trying to run and get away.
And it was a small apartment andhe tripped and fell while he was
chasing me and bruised up his ankle really badly.
(13:53):
And that was something that madehim really snap because now now
he had gotten hurt even though it was his own fault.
And he said, I'm going to kill you.
And I ran and I and I curled up against the wall and I put my
hands around my head and I just tried to make myself as small as
(14:16):
possible. And then he started.
He was basically just punching my head back and forth.
And it felt like it was my head was like a basketball.
And I remember my I felt my headgo back and forth and it started
feeling light headed. And then I brought my hands to
my face and then when I pulled them back down, they were just
(14:38):
covered in blood. And then he saw me and saw that
I was covered in blood. And then he started panicking.
And then he made me get in the shower.
He made me clean myself up. And when I looked in the mirror
(15:01):
after getting out of the shower,above each eye, I had what
looked like a golf ball on each temple.
And I saw the scar from one of those.
And I mean, it didn't get betterafter those few days because it
was probably just a week straight of if it wasn't
(15:24):
physical abuse, it was him reminding me that I deserved
everything that he did. And at one point he even said to
me, do you, do you not think youdeserve this?
And I said, I don't, I don't think anybody deserves this.
And he said if that's how you feel, then you need to
(15:46):
drastically lower yourself worth.
Wow, wow. I remember looking in the mirror
and seeing how bruised my face was and those big lumps on my
head. And of course he was very
apologetic the next day. He didn't let me go to sleep
(16:07):
that night before because it wasobvious that there was some,
there was a brain injury. Yeah, right.
I couldn't really stand up straight.
My vision was really messed up. He kept apologizing and I
remember looking in the mirror at myself and he saw me pull my
(16:29):
hair out of my face and he just said, I'm so sorry.
I didn't want to do that to you.And I, I, I knew I had reached a
point of just no self worth, nothing that I looked in the
mirror and then I looked at him and I said maybe this is a good
(16:51):
thing. Maybe I just needed to be ugly
for a while. Oh wow, wow.
Yeah. And I'd like to say that, you
know, you left the next day and you, you you're like, I'm never
going to put up with this again.And but I stayed for a few days
(17:13):
after that, almost a week, untilhe was at work, finally got a
job and he was at work while I was at home.
And he suddenly stopped texting me back because he said
something made him mad. And then I felt that, that
feeling in your chest where it was tight and you can't breathe.
(17:38):
And I just thought, oh, no, I can't.
I can't be here when he gets back.
And I had one friend named Emilyin Portland.
And I called her and I said, youneed to come get me right now.
I need to get out of here. I need to leave.
(17:58):
So I packed up everything that Icould and she came and she
showed up and she took one look at me and she go.
And I was like, OK, Are you ready?
I'm ready to go. I just need to find a new place.
Need to do this. And she saw me and she goes, we
need to get you to the hospital.And this was a few days after a.
Few days. After Yeah.
(18:20):
So the bruising was worse than it was initially.
She took me to the hospital. There was COVID protocols where
you couldn't have more than one person with you at the same at
at a time. And I said, I basically said,
look at me, I need my daughter and I need my friend.
And they said, OK, when you check in at a emergency room,
(18:45):
you have a list of stuff that they always do first.
They they check your temperature, they check your
blood pressure, they ask you questions.
They went to take my blood pressure and I had too many
bruises on my arms that they couldn't take my blood pressure.
Oh my goodness. And.
So they're like, well, where else can we take blood pressure?
(19:07):
I mean, I think you can do it sometimes in a leg or you can.
I had too many bruises on my legs and they couldn't take my
blood pressure at all. I got a full exam and
everything. And then I went home with her
that night and they, you know, they, they checked out my head.
(19:28):
I had AI had a brain injury. It was, you know, it had been a
few days. So at that point, like I could
sleep, I could do what I needed to do, but just I had to be
really careful. I still got lightheaded easily
because he had punched me so many times in my chest.
I had a big bruise right on my sternum and it probably took six
(19:50):
to nine months for my sternum tonot make a popping noise when I
took a deep breath. Wow.
But my friend saved me. She she got me out of there and
she stayed with me every step ofthe way, from talking to the
police to when he was arrested to when.
(20:12):
I had to stay in the grossest hotel room I've ever stayed in
in my life. But it was quiet and it had a
lock on the door and he didn't know where I was.
That's all that mattered. But she, she checked in on me
every day. She stayed with me when I needed
it. And he went to jail and I got
(20:37):
granted leave from the court to move back and I packed up
everything that I had, which was2 suitcases, one that she lent
me because I only had one suitcase and I had two boxes.
And I left everything else behind.
I got on a plane and I came home.
Was she I guess a huge part for you in leaving then?
(21:00):
Like would you have have left ifshe hadn't helped you out with
that? I feel like it's huge for.
I I don't think I would have. Yeah, I think I would have
stayed and I think I would have died.
Wow. I he wasn't done.
I he even told me that if he ever found out one other thing
(21:22):
that I might have lied about, he's like I'll I'll never do
this to you again unless I find out something else.
Wow. And I knew and I knew if I
stayed that, that I, I would endup dead.
And for the sake of my child, I,I needed to stay alive.
(21:42):
I needed to do better. And I, and I did.
And I, I call Emily my Angel allthe time because I was so
scared. And she just calmly but urgently
basically said, no, no, this is what we're doing.
You're not just getting, we're going to the hospital.
(22:05):
And, and her and her fiance werethey let me stay with them.
I mean, they, they fed me, they let me be in their home.
And I never felt like I was intruding.
They just, they were just there and wanted to help and so many
(22:26):
people don't get that. Yeah, absolutely.
And so because of her, I was just so incredibly lucky and she
drove me to the airport when I left.
And there's not a day of my lifewhere I don't look back on that
time and say that she saved my life.
Wow. So.
So in your healing process, whathas helped you to heal?
(22:52):
I would say talking about it wasa lot.
And and your reactions from people are always going to be
vastly different. There's going to be people who
say thank you for sharing your story.
There are going to be people whosay the fact that you're
speaking might give somebody else the courage to speak for
(23:15):
themselves. And then there's going to be
people who say, will she just stop?
When is she gonna stop talking about this?
Like no one wants to hear about that.
But I've I've been able to take time to not only figure out the
(23:36):
kind of life that I want for me and my child, but also being
able to recognize when people are going through something
similar and helping them find resources in ways that I, I had
a court advocate that would helpme with stuff, but a lot of
stuff I had to figure out on my own.
(23:56):
Yeah, yeah. And if I can guide people to
show them that there are resources for them, yeah, that's
been really rewarding because I've, I mean, obviously I, I
helped you find. Helped me, yeah, absolutely.
And name it yeah. And, and then there was two
other people that I had reach out to me or that were, you
(24:19):
know, I, I was given one girl's name and basically gave them an
idea of what to expect moving forward.
Help them research resources in their area because they weren't
in my study, but I knew through different, you know, court pages
or a lot of Google searching that there's a lot of resources
(24:42):
out there for not just women, but women, children, men who
have gone through abuse. And there's always somebody
there who can help you navigate it.
Yeah, because it's a lot. And that's huge to have somebody
who helps you with that. I mean, especially when you're
you've never walked this journeybefore.
(25:02):
I mean, I'd say a lot of us havenever walked this kind of a
journey before. We're just floundering when
we're getting out of it. And to have somebody say here,
let me come alongside you, I know what we need to do.
This is what we're gonna do. It's huge.
It's it, like I said, monumental.
I mean, how has yourself or how has your view of yourself
(25:24):
changed since then? At first it it was a little
embarrassing once you realize the things that you allowed
yourself to endure in whether it's thinking that you're doing
the right thing or being loyal to realize the things that you
(25:47):
allowed yourself to put up with is tough.
But then you move past that and then you get this like hit of
strength that you're I survived that.
And you get really proud of yourself because there are
people who don't survive it and or there are people who just
never have the resources or courage or realize their worth
(26:16):
to leave. Yeah, absolutely.
And then after that, it feels like a whole other life that you
had. Yeah.
Where you you think back and it,it, it, it feels like that old
person that went through that isjust this ghost and suddenly
you're on the other side and just say that was weird.
(26:39):
It was just a little. Rough.
Yeah. I feel like a lot of women don't
feel like they can leave. And when they're told, yes, you
have this power to leave, I mean, that for me even was like,
(27:01):
I can do this, I can leave. And I don't know, Whizzer, I
mean, what would you say to another woman listening right
now? You will know when it's time.
Yeah. And people are gonna tell you.
(27:21):
You need to do this now. There are people that are gonna
tell you why didn't you do it sooner, But the important thing
is that you see it and as long as eventually you do it because
it's the starting is hard, the getting through it's hard, the
afterwards is hard. But there will, there will be a
(27:44):
day where you will leave in yourtime when you're ready.
And it will, it will feel like you get to breathe for the first
time. And as long as you hold on to
the hope that you're going to beable to breathe soon, just just
(28:06):
do it. But, but you have to let them do
it in their time. That's the worst part.
No one's going to leave because you told them.
They're going to leave when theyknow it's time and just don't
when you do it. Really try your hardest never to
go back. Yeah, yeah.
I mean, I've heard that so many times where, you know, like him,
(28:29):
he was promising, oh, I won't dothese things.
And a lot of women tend to fall back into that and then realize
it's no different. It hasn't changed.
Would you say that you see yourself as a survivor, or would
you say you see yourself as something else?
(28:50):
I definitely see myself as a survivor because I did survive
something that not all women have the privilege to survive.
And I did it and I have a child who has come through and myself
who's come through and we're OK.But I also through everything.
(29:17):
I think it also made me softer. Like I'm stronger, but I'm also
softer. I, I see people a lot
differently than I used to and Itry to have a lot more
compassion than I used to. Because you will always be
(29:41):
surprised by the people that youmeet and the things that they go
through and the people, the things that people have survived
that they never talk about it just it made me appreciate
safety so much more. And the quiet and the calm and
(30:04):
the mundane versus searching outsomething that's like even not a
person, but a life that's passionate and exciting.
But to bring it down and really enjoy the calm, yeah.
Yeah, the safety like yeah, likeyou said the.
(30:25):
And being able to provide that for people in my life, yeah.
That, that's something I, I wantto do because not everybody has
somebody who will just say, OK, you know, just talk to me, yeah,
what do you need, right. With no condition, right.
Because I I had to ask people for help.
(30:46):
And it's a lot easier to offer it to somebody who needs it than
to wait for somebody to ask you for help.
Yeah. Who would you say some of these
women could reach out to? What would what would be like a
resource that you would suggest for them if they're in another,
you know, state or like what would be your first thought?
(31:07):
So a lot of states have their own kind of organizations for
particularly like battered and abused women, children, people
in general. And a lot of these websites also
have quick close tabs where you can, you know, it, it will have
(31:33):
one button that you hit and everything will shut down and it
won't, you know, show up. So if you need it in an
emergency, but if you yourself can't do the research to find
these resources, I always recommend that you reach out to
a friend who can do that research for you as well.
And just, you know, try and findit.
(31:57):
There are there are apps that you can download as well that
help you find resources or emergency help if you need it.
The Abused Adult Resource Centeris a huge one because they'll
offer not only therapy guidance through different court
processes, but they also do something, I believe it's called
(32:21):
Hope for the Holidays where theyprovide a Christmas tree and
gifts for you and your kids. If you're in a situation where
you can't afford it or just wantto be able to give your kids and
yourself a Christmas, I still have a pair of boots I got from
that, that every time I put themon, I'm like, like, how cool
(32:45):
that that. And this is all a volunteer
thing where people will sign up to buy all these gifts and you
just, you just make a list of things that you kind of like.
And then these people come and they, and they buy it all for
you. And it's like I I got like
bubble baths. Oh wow, a pair.
Of boots and it's there's every city has something you just have
(33:09):
to it's usually one small littleGoogle search away and you'll be
amazed at the stuff that pops out because it's so common.
Wow, it's so common and it's it's sad that it's common, but
it's also, it's also nice to know that because this horrible
(33:31):
thing is so common that all of this help has come up out of it.
Yeah, Wow. Well, I, I really appreciate you
sharing your story with me and with all the listeners.
Yeah. Is there anything else you'd
like to add? Thank you for having me as soon
(33:55):
as as soon as I saw that you were doing this.
I, I had hoped you would ask me to be a part of it, but I am
just, I am so proud to see you doing this because when we first
met versus now, it's been remarkable.
You're gonna make me cry. We're just gonna start bawling
(34:19):
right now. You see it all the time, the
transition between somebody saying, I don't think I was
necessarily abused, it was just hard to then watching them
recognize it, accept it, but then use it to say, and that
(34:42):
will never happen again. Yeah, hopefully.
Yeah, hopefully. So.
Well, you were definitely one ofthe first people on my mind that
I wanted to ask if you wanted tobe on this with me because I
want people to hear your story cuz well, we both are coming out
(35:02):
of an abusive situation. Your abusive situation looks a
little bit different from mine. And so there will be women that
relate to yours more so than they relate to mine.
And I want to get that broad spectrum because like you said,
it is, it's so common and it's just that breaks my heart how
(35:22):
common it is. And that's and it.
Always. It always starts in a similar
place, but for people to recognize that there's the abuse
I went through at the end was horrible.
Absolutely. But also the four years leading
up to it, I was going to say howinsidious, the emotional, the
(35:48):
financial, just those sorts of abuses that eventually escalate.
But being able to name those as well, yeah.
Absolutely. And I was going to say too, like
you had time in between there where he had to have been
different kinds of abusive. You said it leads up to that
(36:09):
point. And so I, I really do appreciate
you sharing and being here and. Always, Yeah.
And with that, I would even say if any of you women are
interested in, you know, asking any questions or anything like
that, you can message me at ichoosethebearpodcast@outlook.com.
(36:33):
I will put that in the like the show notes there.
And then I can even get you in contact with Caitlin if you
would like to speak with her more on on her experiences and
maybe like I said, any questionsthat you might have.
Absolutely. Yeah.
Thank you so much, Caitlin. Thank you for you're the best.
You're the best. Thank you so much for listening
(36:56):
to today's episode with my dear friend Caitlin.
Her story is raw, powerful, and honest, and I hope it reminded
you that healing is possible even after the darkest of
seasons. If you took anything from today,
I hope it's this. You're not alone.
(37:16):
We're here for you, even if it feels like no one else is.
I've listed a few resources below in case you need help
right now. Please don't wait to reach out.
You deserve support. You deserve safety.
You deserve healing. Until next time, be the bear I
(37:38):
know you are. Rise like the phoenix and know
there is beauty from the ashes on the other side.
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