May 10, 2025 • 35 mins
I'm diving into a painful, confusing, and honestly a shocking moment life can throw at us: when a lifelong friendship suddenly falls apart.
If you’ve ever lost a best friend — the person who knew your secrets, your mess, your laughter and your heartbreak — you know exactly how hard it hits.
👉 In this episode, I share my raw, personal story of a 35-year friendship that ended in a single explosive night.
We’ll explore:
✨ Why unspoken resentments build up and blow up — even over something small.
✨ What “violent communication” is (it’s not always physical) and how it damages relationships.
✨ The power of non-violent communication and how speaking with empathy could have saved our friendship.
✨ How to process grief, set healthy boundaries, and decide if rebuilding is right for you.
✨ Why it’s okay — and sometimes necessary — to let go, even when you still love someone deeply.
You’ll also hear about my moves across Aspen, Texas, Boston, California, and the East Coast — and how each chapter taught me to rebuild my circle, make new friends, and stay open (even when scared).
This is a heart-level episode. Because losing a best friend is a grief people don’t talk about enough. And it changes you.
Thank you for tuning in! I truly appreciate every one of you, whether you’re here for the first time or have been with me from the start.
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Subscribe & Catch full episodes of In Shock Podcast on YouTube https://www.youtube.com/@inshock.podcast 📺
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For daily doses of Inspiration Follow me @inshock.podcast on Instagram | TikTok | Facebook
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:01):
Hi everyone and welcome back tothe show.
Thank you so much for hangingout with me.
I consider all of you myfriends, so please call me T.
That's what my friends call me.
I really do appreciate youshowing up for me every other
Sunday.
For these real talks aboutthose, what the fuck moments?
(00:24):
Because let's face it, we allhave them.
We don't always know what to dowhen we're stuck in the middle
of it, but that post-traumaticgrowth that comes after, it's
what makes us stronger, wiser,and a hell of a lot more
unstoppable.
Right?
Speaking of friends, we all havebest friends.
(00:46):
You know the kind of friend whojust gets you, the one you trust
with everything, your secrets,your mess, your truth, you love
being around them, and somehowyou never run out of things to
talk about, thereby your sidethrough the highs and the
heartbreaks with them, you canbe fully.
(01:10):
Unapologetically yourself.
No filters, no pretending, justreal.
You laugh until your stomachhurts with them, and when life
knocks you down, they're the oneyou go crying to they never
judge you.
They just show up.
(01:30):
And they're not just yourfriend, they're your person.
But what happens when thatfriendship suddenly has a blow
up?
When someone you once sharedeverything with just turns on
you in a moment that leaves yourattled, heartbroken, confused,
(01:51):
and in complete shock.
That's what we're gonna talkabout today.
We are diving into theheartbreak of losing your best
friend.
I'm talking about a situationwhere there is a sudden
misunderstanding of an emotionalfallout that completely destroys
(02:13):
that friendship, thatrelationship.
Have you ever been there before?
I have seen it happen to some ofmy closest friends, and I have
lived it myself.
It's absolutely jarring whenthat friendship goes wrong.
One minute you have someone youcan trust with your whole heart
(02:36):
and the next, it's like they'vecompletely vanished from your
life.
It's that kind of ending, and Ithink it deserves space to talk
about how you heal from afriendship breakup.
When there's no closure, how youmove forward when someone you
thought was your forever friendbecomes a stranger.
(02:59):
And if you've ever sat with thisheartache, this episode is for
you.
I have a hell of a story toshare with you because I know
firsthand how difficult it canbe to make friends and then to
lose one.
There's no words.
I.
(03:19):
I've had to make new friendsover and over again in my life,
sometimes by choice, andsometimes because life took me
somewhere new.
I.
I was born in Aspen, Colorado.
This beautiful, breathtakinglittle town surrounded by the
mountains my dad started hisbusiness there and raised our
(03:40):
family there, and for a while itreally was home.
When I was about seven yearsold, my father decided to move
the family and his business toTexas, y'all, and that's where I
was raised.
I grew up in Southwest Texas,which is very different from
Aspen.
(04:02):
I know you know this.
I always had this little itchthough inside of me as I got
older for something more, Iwanted to live in the big city.
I always dreamed about being inNew York or somewhere very
comparable.
I thought that hustle and bustlewould just be so exciting to
(04:23):
live in.
When it came time for me to goto college, I packed up and I
left Texas behind y'all and Iwent to school in Boston.
Moving to Boston was exactlywhat I was looking for.
It was a little bit lonely atfirst because I didn't know a
single soul.
I was this girl from Texasmoving into these dorms, trying
(04:46):
to figure out the tea, which isthe subway system, and really
trying to find my people, makingnew friends in a brand new city.
And believe it or not, I was avery shy little girl, and at 18,
it was kind of awkward,intimidating, and it really
tests your confidence whenyou're out there trying to make
(05:08):
new friends.
But eventually Boston became mysecond home.
I found my circle of friends, mypeople, these are girls I still
stay in touch with today.
Each move taught me something,and that was to be open even
when you're scared and how tostay true to yourself it's so
(05:32):
important to find those deep,authentic friendships.
The kind where you're notperforming, you're not having to
put on a face where you can bereal it's the people that you
bring into your circle or thosethat bring you into theirs.
It was my brother who changedthe course for me.
He was in the Navy.
(05:53):
Living in California.
And one day we were talking andhe said, oh my God, you have got
to move to California.
It's the best of both worlds.
You get the beaches and you getthe snow so you can ski.
So guess what, packed up my lifein the Northeast and I moved to
(06:13):
California.
I moved in with my B brother andhis wife, having familiar faces
when you're starting in a freshnew state is huge.
I was so thankful that I hadthem.
It's grounding.
It gives you this little pocketof safety when you're trying to
figure everything else out.
(06:35):
At 20 you are much more open tomeeting people.
You're less afraid.
You meet people at parties, atwork, coffee shops, bars, any
and everywhere, right?
You can make connections happenwithout even trying too hard.
Still, even with that opennessstarting over, it is starting
(06:56):
over.
No matter how old you are, youhave to find your spots, your
people, your rhythm, and it justtakes time.
One night my brother decided tohelp kind of speed that process
along by taking me to a party atone of his navy buddy's houses.
You know that feeling when youlook around and everybody knows
each other.
(07:17):
There.
I was the new kid trying not tocompletely look out of place But
then along came Catherine.
She walked right up to me withthis big, warm smile and said,
hi, I'm Catherine.
And just like that, somethingclicked.
You know when you meet someoneand instantly it feels like
you've known them forever.
(07:38):
Nothing awkward.
No weird small talk.
No pretending, nothing forced.
It was just super easy andnatural.
It felt like finding a piece ofhome in a room full of strangers
that night really changedeverything for me.
It was the start of a friendshipthat would become one of the
cornerstones of my new life inCalifornia.
(08:02):
It reminded me all it takes isone person to make a brand new
place.
Feel less familiar and scary andfeel a lot more like home.
Turns out Catherine was from NewYork and since I had recently
come from Boston, we instantlyfound this common ground.
(08:22):
From that point forward, we wereinseparable.
We just clicked in a way thatfelt completely effortless.
You know that kind of friendthat you're glued at the hip
with?
We went shopping together.
We jogged around the track everymorning before work together.
We went on hikes, lunches,dinners.
(08:43):
We would go to clubs and dancedthe night away until the wee
hours of the morning.
There was always this sense of,let's see more, and let's live
more.
We decided on a whim that wewere gonna drive from California
to Texas and go to South PadreIsland, a beach that I grew up
on.
(09:03):
It is a Spring break Haven.
While we were no longer incollege, we were still in our
twenties and we wanted to be onthe beach where all the action
was.
There was no big planning.
We drove straight through for 21hours.
We took turns behind the wheel.
We sang, we talked for hours,and we didn't wanna make any
(09:25):
unnecessary stops, so we packedthe car with plenty of road
snacks and a makeshift bathroomusing bottles.
I know it's kind of disgustingand ridiculous, but we got very
good at it.
It was a skill that I'm notproud to say I was able to
master, but you know when youfind that kind of friend,
(09:47):
someone who matches your energy,your spirit and your sense of
adventure, it doesn't reallymatter where you're going.
It just matters that you'redoing it together.
We had that kind of bond Ireally didn't have that with my
own sister when I was 10 and mysister was 16.
Our father passed away fromcancer and she ran away from
(10:10):
home.
It was a very traumatic time forall of us, and that's how she
dealt with it.
But it left a distance betweenus.
Katherine, on the other hand,she kind of felt like a big
sister that I had never had.
She was just a few years olderand she had this protective,
steady energy that I leanedinto.
(10:30):
A lot of my friends had evensaid she feels and acts like
your big sister.
When I met Katherine, she wasdating Frank, the Navy guy who
was hosting the party that mybrother took me to.
Frank's best friend who was alsoin the Navy was Dan, who I
eventually started dating.
We were like the four amigos.
(10:52):
We did everything together, andwhen the guys deployed overseas
for six months, Catherine and Ihad each other.
We worked hard, play hard, andwe filled the silence of missing
these guys with laughter anddreams of what we were going to
do when they got back fromdeployment.
Eventually life moved forwardand Catherine and I moved in
(11:15):
together.
We had new guys in our life, andit was three of us in this
house.
It was myself, Catherine, and myboyfriend at the time.
We were all working in the techindustry, juggling our careers,
making new friends along theway.
Because you spend more time atwork than you do at home.
(11:35):
Katherine got really close toone of her coworkers.
Her name was Kelly, and at thattime, Kelly was looking for a
place to live.
Katherine asked my boyfriend andI if we minded if Kelly moved
in, and we didn't.
I wasn't Kelly's biggest fan,but we were all mature enough to
make it work.
And honestly, if you rememberlife in your twenties, it's very
(11:58):
fast paced and you're notsitting at home.
Every single night like you arelater in life but life as it
always does, eventually startedto pull us in different
directions.
We both got married.
She moved to Colorado.
I stayed in California.
Even with the distance and allthe chaos that comes with
(12:21):
starting families, we stayedconnected.
We made time to visit each otherwhen we could.
Even though life got busier bythe minute, because we both
started to have kids, she hadtwo girls and I had three boys.
Our lives looked very different,but our bonds stayed the same.
(12:42):
No matter how much time passedor how many miles stretched
between us, we always picked upexactly where we left off.
She called and said she wasmoving back to California and
she and her family chose to livein the same town I was in, which
was really cool.
My world of friends had expandedby that time.
(13:04):
I built a very tight circle offriends through the Junior
League.
Many of you have heard me referto these girls as the niches,
and that's different story for alater time, how that name even
came about, but they werebesties of mine.
When Catherine moved back, shenever seemed really threatened
that I had this wide circle offriends and if she ever felt.
(13:27):
Pushed out or worried.
She never showed it.
She always carried herself witha quiet confidence that no
matter how many new peopleentered my life, our friendship
was untouchable.
We have been friends for over 35years.
She stood by me and I stood byher through life changes.
She was very close to me when Iwent through my divorce.
(13:51):
Always supportive, even thoughshe had never been a big fan of
my ex.
But when I went through mybiggest health battles, breast
cancer, brain aneurysm, strokes,her presence started to fade.
She was there for my surgery.
For my first breast cancer, butkind of distanced during my
recovery, and that might just bebecause my other friends had
(14:15):
really stepped up with mealtrains and putting a schedule
together to come sleep over withme.
Maybe it was just life.
People do show up differentlyduring hard seasons.
She wasn't absent, but shewasn't fully there either.
After I made it through allthese health obstacles, we found
(14:36):
our way back to each other andlife started to feel, I.
Normal again, after that time Ihad met somebody new and for the
first time in a long time, I wasreally excited about what was
ahead for he and I.
I couldn't wait for my friendsto meet him.
When Catherine gave me the nodand approval, the real genuine,
(14:57):
oh my God, I really dig thisguy.
It meant more than she probablyrealized.
Let's be real.
You don't need your friends'blessing to move forward with
somebody, but when you have it,it feels like the universe is
giving you the green light so wecontinued living our lives.
I eventually moved to the eastcoast, but I was living by
(15:19):
Coastally for about seven years.
Splitting my time betweenCalifornia and the east coast,
flying back and forth everymonth, sometimes twice a month.
I was spending time with mykids, catching up with friends,
and doing my best to keep allthe pieces of my life.
Connected.
(15:40):
I stayed with friends.
Sometimes.
Other times I'd rent an Airbnb,but in the early years of living
by Coastally, I often stayedwith Catherine.
It was the perfect setup.
She had a guest suite with itsown bedroom, bathroom, and even
a little office space where Icould work remotely.
It made it super easy and it wasvery familiar to me.
(16:03):
I knew her entire family.
Her kids, her parents, herbrother, sister, the type of
friends where you're literallypart of their family and when
you go to their house, it feelslike home.
We cooked together.
When I would stay there, we'dsit down as a family and have
dinner.
My kids would join us sometimesby this time, Catherine had
(16:25):
really settled into a quietdomestic lifestyle.
She wasn't really interested ingoing out anymore, going to
dinners lunches or shoppingtrips like we used to love to
do.
Something in her had justshifted.
It seemed like a spark wasstarting to fade the
conversations were usually mesharing my ups and downs, my
(16:46):
mess and milestones in my life.
Every now and then she let mein.
Maybe just a glimpse, share whatwas going on with her.
She had some bigger stuff goingon inside her than I had
realized, and she would give me,bits and pieces of that, but I
could just feel that somethingchanged in her Then came the
(17:08):
night that everything unraveled.
I mean everything.
We were all just hanging out ather house this one evening.
She and her family, her kids,her husband, and we decided to
watch the OJ Simpson series.
A scene sparked a conversationand I said.
Not all cops are good.
(17:28):
It wasn't meant to beinflammatory, it was just a
comment.
She snapped and she completelydisagreed with what I said.
I felt like I needed to explainmyself and where I was coming
from.
You know when someone getsreally upset, you're like, okay,
I am gonna give them the benefitof the doubt, and maybe I didn't
do a good job explaining whereI.
(17:52):
Was coming from when I made thatcomment.
I told her a story about myolder son and what had happened
to him at this event calledDeltopia.
It's a huge college scene in theSanta Barbara area, and that
particular year, a riot brokeout.
You've got.
A mix of college kids and peoplefrom LA and not such great parts
(18:15):
of la.
This huge riot broke out and myson and his friends who were
going to school at the time weretrying to get away.
They weren't sprinting, theywere just walking away.
But this SWAT team said, youneed to stop.
They all threw their arms up andI guess they didn't respond fast
(18:36):
enough, the cops opened firewith rubber bullets and many had
hit my son's back.
There was four or five that hithis back.
Those bullets are so powerful.
They knocked him down the copscame over and slammed his face
into the pavement and thesecollege kids are just trying to
get back home.
(18:58):
Anyway, they busted his lipopen.
It was, very emotional andtraumatic for my kid and there
was all this other shit goingon.
Gunshots, stabbings, all thatkind of stuff.
Yet these cops were focused onthese college boys.
My point to her was, not allcops are good, but she didn't
(19:21):
wanna hear what I had to say.
Instead, she completely spiraledand came undone.
She started calling me names,taking cheap shots at me, even
bringing my kids into her rage.
That was the gut wrencher andthe end of it for me.
At that point, mama Bear tookover and I headed towards the
(19:43):
bedroom to pack my things, Iwalked into the bathroom to get
all my toiletries.
She came flying in there andcornered me.
She got nastier, and at thatpoint we were both screaming at
each other at the top of ourlungs as if we couldn't hear
each other.
You know how that goes whenthere's just so much emotion in
(20:05):
an argument, you're trying tomake a point, so you just get.
Angrier and louder.
She was accusing me of lying.
She said I kept things from her.
She claimed I had had a heartattack and I didn't tell her.
It was absolutely absurd.
She was knocking down my friendsand how much she didn't like any
(20:27):
of them at that point.
I honestly didn't know if Iwanted to laugh or cry.
I have had a lot of healthstruggles, but that having a
heart attack, that was news tome.
I had never seen her like this.
It was like a stranger had takenover her entire body, and you
(20:49):
wanna know what the worst partof this entire situation was.
My youngest son was there.
He saw the whole damn thingunfold and heard her comments
about my kids.
Can you imagine?
We packed everything up.
We left her house.
We got in the car and droveaway.
(21:12):
I pulled over once we got out ofthe neighborhood because I was
so shaken, but I was so worriedabout my little guy.
We sat there sobbing, bothtrying to make sense of what had
just happened, and he was justso cute.
This is the innocence of a youngchild.
He's like, mommy, it's okay.
It's gonna be okay.
(21:33):
And I said, yes, everything willbe okay.
Even though I wasn't sure Ibelieved it myself, I certainly
wasn't gonna be okay.
I couldn't even.
Process what had just happened,and my poor kid had just seen a
version of his mom he'd neverwitnessed before.
(21:57):
Fierce, angry, pushed to theedge, screaming at the top of
her lungs.
It was really wild how someonecan pull you into the worst
version of yourself think of atime when that may have happened
to you.
No matter who the person was,we're so defensive and angry,
(22:18):
right?
We just start yelling andscreaming at each other,
especially if someone'sattacking us.
I had called a girlfriend andasked if my son and I could stay
at her house, and of course itwas absolutely fine.
She knew Catherine and when Igot to her house and shared the
entire event with her.
She was absolutely stunned.
(22:39):
It was like I was telling her astory about somebody else.
I was completely shaken thatnight trying to process the
things that Catherine had saidto me.
It was like my mind couldn'teven catch up to the reality as
I was replaying it all.
One truth became very clear tome this wasn't really about what
(23:02):
I said.
It was about everything she hadbeen holding onto.
Somewhere along the way,Catherine had grown very
dissatisfied with me and thelife that I was building, even
with the friends I surroundedmyself with.
But instead of telling me, itall came pouring out over a
(23:23):
comment for simple words.
Not all cops are good.
And somehow that was the triggerthat unraveled everything
between us.
You know that feeling when ablowup reveals everything,
someone's quietly resenting you.
That was this.
(23:44):
Maybe you've been there too.
Looking back, I could see thatshe was carrying a lot of
unspoken hurt.
We've all done that guilty partyright here, and because it had
nowhere to go for her, itexploded in my face the next
day.
She sent me a text apologizingand asked if we could talk, I
(24:07):
didn't respond.
I was extremely emotionalfeeling the residue from the
night before.
I.
Kind of like an earthquake.
If you have ever been in one.
It's like an aftershock the nextday.
She sent me an email later witha barrage of finger pointing at
(24:28):
me.
She was trying to explainherself and why she did what she
did.
But that's not what she did.
Instead, it was what I now knowto be called violent
communication.
This isn't a physical sense, butit's the energy.
It's harsh, it's very accusatoryand one sided.
(24:53):
We've all been there.
I've been there.
I'm not saying by I have neverdone this, but I've certainly
learned a lot throughout mylife.
I highly recommend I.
This way to express the hardtruths with love.
It's called non-violentcommunication.
(25:14):
It's where you speak honestly,but with empathy, your own
feelings, and you listen to theother person's perspective.
I know it's hard.
I had to train myself to dothis, but I have gotten very
good at it.
Let me give you an example of anonviolent communication.
(25:34):
Situation.
Catherine could have said, itreally hurts me when you're
spending time with otherfriends.
It makes me feel less importantto you.
That would've been a moment toconnect, to talk for her to heal
through the things that createdso much anger in her that I was
doing.
But unfortunately, that's notwhat happened.
(25:55):
And because of that, ourfriendship did not survive.
It wasn't just about that night,it was years of unspoken
resentment that she had pouringout of her all at once.
And here's the truth, when wedon't express our hurt when it's
happening in the moment.
(26:16):
It builds up and when it buildsup for too long, my God, boom.
It's a huge explosion sometimesover something so small, like my
four words.
I did respond to her emaileventually, I had given myself
some time to process what washappening, to take the emotion
(26:36):
out of it, and I had a sense ofwhat nonviolent communication
was by this point in my life, Iwas fortunate that one of my
really dear friends hadintroduced it to me, and I
started to take that intopractice.
So as I leaned back and thought,how am I gonna respond to this,
I decided to point out the painshe must have been feeling
(27:00):
towards me for a very long time,and that that pain had built up
quietly.
I told her I needed time toprocess everything and figure
out whether our friendship couldor even should move forward.
And during that time inreflection, that space that I
gave myself, I realizedsomething that was really hard
(27:24):
to admit.
How much she and I had changed.
I still loved being out withfriends, being social, saying
yes to new experiences.
That's a big part of who I am.
She preferred the comfort ofhome, a slower pace, a different
rhythm, and that's okay.
But our lives and our energy hadgrown in completely different
(27:48):
directions.
Even knowing that didn't mean Ididn't miss the good old days I
truly miss the deep connectionthat she and I once had.
That feeling that we just goteach other without even trying.
I miss that ease.
I miss that person.
The laughter, the sense that nomatter what happened, we were in
(28:13):
it together.
But sometimes when we hang on torelationship, no matter what
kind of relationship it is, justbecause of that history, those
incredible moments, the loyaltyand all the years we invested,
it's not for the right reasonsbecause there's no longer a
(28:35):
connection.
We're hanging on to history,facing that was really, really
difficult for me.
It forces you to be very honestwith yourself about whether
you're clinging to what was,instead of accepting what is as
much as it hurt to face it, Irealized the fulfillment we once
(28:58):
found in each other's lives.
It just wasn't there anymore,and maybe the most loving,
honest thing that she and Icould do is let go and move on.
It took the good part of sixmonths to a year for me to
overcome this.
This was 35 years of afriendship.
(29:19):
I've spoken to Catherine andseen her a few times since, is
it's not the same.
I will always love her.
Always love her family.
There's too much history betweenus, too much life shared for my
heart to ever let that love gocompletely.
But I will never forget whathappened.
(29:41):
It struck me so hard.
When a friendship like thisfalls apart, it hurts deeply.
There's no way around it.
You have to let yourself grieveto sit with the heartbreak and
to give yourself permission tomourn at the loss of this
friendship.
(30:01):
This is somebody who had beenwoven into the fabric of my
life.
But sometimes, no matter howmuch history you share, you have
to choose yourself.
So what do you do when afriendship like this falls
apart?
Here's what I've learned throughall of this.
First honor your grief.
(30:24):
You will be grieving for quitesome time and give yourself that
space.
Don't rush through it or pretendit doesn't hurt at all.
A lot of people try and shove itdown so they don't feel the
pain.
I.
Let yourself feel the pain ofthe loss of that friendship.
Second, be honest about therelationship and what it has
(30:47):
become, not what you wish itstill was.
We often hang on to what was andnot what is so many people stay
in the wrong relationshipbecause of this.
Third, protect your peace bysetting boundaries that honor
(31:08):
the person that you're becoming.
And finally, give yourself graceto either let go completely, or
if enough time passes toredefine the friendship on new
terms, understanding that itwill never be the same.
And that's okay too.
This is your decision.
(31:29):
Friendship breakups rarely comewith closure or clarity.
Sometimes all you're left withis a decision to heal, move
forward, and love yourselfenough to release what no longer
fits your life.
If you're at the crossroadsright now with a friendship like
(31:49):
this, just know that you will beokay and you will get through
this.
You're not alone.
This happens to so many of us.
Give yourself grace and spaceand time to really decide what
you wanna do about thatfriendship.
(32:09):
We all decide differently whatwe feel serves us best, and
maybe walking away is not whatyou wanna do.
So really think about why youdon't wanna walk away.
Because even though this personmay have completely come undone
on you this one time, thinkabout this.
(32:33):
They didn't have the courage asyour best friend to tell you
what was bothering them, so theyallowed it to build up, causing
resentment and blowing up.
I want you to be sure if you goback to that friendship, that
doesn't happen again.
It's verbal abuse if you decideto make amends with your friend,
(32:57):
have a real heart to heart andpromise each other that you
won't hold anything back.
And when you do share thingswith each other, it's shared.
With love before I wrap up, Iknow I have promised I would
bring on some guests this pastmonth and full transparency, one
(33:17):
of my interviews got completelytrashed because of a glitch with
a new recording software that Iwas trying out.
So we're having to reschedulethat one.
But in the meantime, hang tightbecause I've got a fantastic.
Guest coming up.
She's an author whose story Iabsolutely love, and it's
something I've talked about onsocial media.
(33:40):
It's that moment so many of usdream about.
When you know exactly what youwanna do with your life I can't
wait for you to hear her story.
Thanks for hanging out with metoday.
If this episode hit home foryou, share it with a friend who
might need it too.
And hey, if you're enjoying theshow, I would love it if you
(34:02):
left a review.
Reviews mean everything.
They help people understand whatkeeps you coming back for more.
Until next time.
Hi everyone and welcome back tothe show.
Thank you so much for hangingout with me.
I consider all of you myfriends, so please call me T.
That's what my friends call me.
I really do appreciate youshowing up for me every other
Sunday.
For these real talks aboutthose, what the fuck moments?
(00:24):
Because let's face it, we allhave them.
We don't always know what to dowhen we're stuck in the middle
of it, but that post-traumaticgrowth that comes after, it's
what makes us stronger, wiser,and a hell of a lot more
unstoppable.
Right?
Speaking of friends, we all havebest friends.
(00:46):
You know the kind of friend whojust gets you, the one you trust
with everything, your secrets,your mess, your truth, you love
being around them, and somehowyou never run out of things to
talk about, thereby your sidethrough the highs and the
heartbreaks with them, you canbe fully.
(01:10):
Unapologetically yourself.
No filters, no pretending, justreal.
You laugh until your stomachhurts with them, and when life
knocks you down, they're the oneyou go crying to they never
judge you.
They just show up.
(01:30):
And they're not just yourfriend, they're your person.
But what happens when thatfriendship suddenly has a blow
up?
When someone you once sharedeverything with just turns on
you in a moment that leaves yourattled, heartbroken, confused,
(01:51):
and in complete shock.
That's what we're gonna talkabout today.
We are diving into theheartbreak of losing your best
friend.
I'm talking about a situationwhere there is a sudden
misunderstanding of an emotionalfallout that completely destroys
(02:13):
that friendship, thatrelationship.
Have you ever been there before?
I have seen it happen to some ofmy closest friends, and I have
lived it myself.
It's absolutely jarring whenthat friendship goes wrong.
One minute you have someone youcan trust with your whole heart
(02:36):
and the next, it's like they'vecompletely vanished from your
life.
It's that kind of ending, and Ithink it deserves space to talk
about how you heal from afriendship breakup.
When there's no closure, how youmove forward when someone you
thought was your forever friendbecomes a stranger.
(02:59):
And if you've ever sat with thisheartache, this episode is for
you.
I have a hell of a story toshare with you because I know
firsthand how difficult it canbe to make friends and then to
lose one.
There's no words.
I.
(03:19):
I've had to make new friendsover and over again in my life,
sometimes by choice, andsometimes because life took me
somewhere new.
I.
I was born in Aspen, Colorado.
This beautiful, breathtakinglittle town surrounded by the
mountains my dad started hisbusiness there and raised our
(03:40):
family there, and for a while itreally was home.
When I was about seven yearsold, my father decided to move
the family and his business toTexas, y'all, and that's where I
was raised.
I grew up in Southwest Texas,which is very different from
Aspen.
(04:02):
I know you know this.
I always had this little itchthough inside of me as I got
older for something more, Iwanted to live in the big city.
I always dreamed about being inNew York or somewhere very
comparable.
I thought that hustle and bustlewould just be so exciting to
(04:23):
live in.
When it came time for me to goto college, I packed up and I
left Texas behind y'all and Iwent to school in Boston.
Moving to Boston was exactlywhat I was looking for.
It was a little bit lonely atfirst because I didn't know a
single soul.
I was this girl from Texasmoving into these dorms, trying
(04:46):
to figure out the tea, which isthe subway system, and really
trying to find my people, makingnew friends in a brand new city.
And believe it or not, I was avery shy little girl, and at 18,
it was kind of awkward,intimidating, and it really
tests your confidence whenyou're out there trying to make
(05:08):
new friends.
But eventually Boston became mysecond home.
I found my circle of friends, mypeople, these are girls I still
stay in touch with today.
Each move taught me something,and that was to be open even
when you're scared and how tostay true to yourself it's so
(05:32):
important to find those deep,authentic friendships.
The kind where you're notperforming, you're not having to
put on a face where you can bereal it's the people that you
bring into your circle or thosethat bring you into theirs.
It was my brother who changedthe course for me.
He was in the Navy.
(05:53):
Living in California.
And one day we were talking andhe said, oh my God, you have got
to move to California.
It's the best of both worlds.
You get the beaches and you getthe snow so you can ski.
So guess what, packed up my lifein the Northeast and I moved to
(06:13):
California.
I moved in with my B brother andhis wife, having familiar faces
when you're starting in a freshnew state is huge.
I was so thankful that I hadthem.
It's grounding.
It gives you this little pocketof safety when you're trying to
figure everything else out.
(06:35):
At 20 you are much more open tomeeting people.
You're less afraid.
You meet people at parties, atwork, coffee shops, bars, any
and everywhere, right?
You can make connections happenwithout even trying too hard.
Still, even with that opennessstarting over, it is starting
(06:56):
over.
No matter how old you are, youhave to find your spots, your
people, your rhythm, and it justtakes time.
One night my brother decided tohelp kind of speed that process
along by taking me to a party atone of his navy buddy's houses.
You know that feeling when youlook around and everybody knows
each other.
(07:17):
There.
I was the new kid trying not tocompletely look out of place But
then along came Catherine.
She walked right up to me withthis big, warm smile and said,
hi, I'm Catherine.
And just like that, somethingclicked.
You know when you meet someoneand instantly it feels like
you've known them forever.
(07:38):
Nothing awkward.
No weird small talk.
No pretending, nothing forced.
It was just super easy andnatural.
It felt like finding a piece ofhome in a room full of strangers
that night really changedeverything for me.
It was the start of a friendshipthat would become one of the
cornerstones of my new life inCalifornia.
(08:02):
It reminded me all it takes isone person to make a brand new
place.
Feel less familiar and scary andfeel a lot more like home.
Turns out Catherine was from NewYork and since I had recently
come from Boston, we instantlyfound this common ground.
(08:22):
From that point forward, we wereinseparable.
We just clicked in a way thatfelt completely effortless.
You know that kind of friendthat you're glued at the hip
with?
We went shopping together.
We jogged around the track everymorning before work together.
We went on hikes, lunches,dinners.
(08:43):
We would go to clubs and dancedthe night away until the wee
hours of the morning.
There was always this sense of,let's see more, and let's live
more.
We decided on a whim that wewere gonna drive from California
to Texas and go to South PadreIsland, a beach that I grew up
on.
(09:03):
It is a Spring break Haven.
While we were no longer incollege, we were still in our
twenties and we wanted to be onthe beach where all the action
was.
There was no big planning.
We drove straight through for 21hours.
We took turns behind the wheel.
We sang, we talked for hours,and we didn't wanna make any
(09:25):
unnecessary stops, so we packedthe car with plenty of road
snacks and a makeshift bathroomusing bottles.
I know it's kind of disgustingand ridiculous, but we got very
good at it.
It was a skill that I'm notproud to say I was able to
master, but you know when youfind that kind of friend,
(09:47):
someone who matches your energy,your spirit and your sense of
adventure, it doesn't reallymatter where you're going.
It just matters that you'redoing it together.
We had that kind of bond Ireally didn't have that with my
own sister when I was 10 and mysister was 16.
Our father passed away fromcancer and she ran away from
(10:10):
home.
It was a very traumatic time forall of us, and that's how she
dealt with it.
But it left a distance betweenus.
Katherine, on the other hand,she kind of felt like a big
sister that I had never had.
She was just a few years olderand she had this protective,
steady energy that I leanedinto.
(10:30):
A lot of my friends had evensaid she feels and acts like
your big sister.
When I met Katherine, she wasdating Frank, the Navy guy who
was hosting the party that mybrother took me to.
Frank's best friend who was alsoin the Navy was Dan, who I
eventually started dating.
We were like the four amigos.
(10:52):
We did everything together, andwhen the guys deployed overseas
for six months, Catherine and Ihad each other.
We worked hard, play hard, andwe filled the silence of missing
these guys with laughter anddreams of what we were going to
do when they got back fromdeployment.
Eventually life moved forwardand Catherine and I moved in
(11:15):
together.
We had new guys in our life, andit was three of us in this
house.
It was myself, Catherine, and myboyfriend at the time.
We were all working in the techindustry, juggling our careers,
making new friends along theway.
Because you spend more time atwork than you do at home.
(11:35):
Katherine got really close toone of her coworkers.
Her name was Kelly, and at thattime, Kelly was looking for a
place to live.
Katherine asked my boyfriend andI if we minded if Kelly moved
in, and we didn't.
I wasn't Kelly's biggest fan,but we were all mature enough to
make it work.
And honestly, if you rememberlife in your twenties, it's very
(11:58):
fast paced and you're notsitting at home.
Every single night like you arelater in life but life as it
always does, eventually startedto pull us in different
directions.
We both got married.
She moved to Colorado.
I stayed in California.
Even with the distance and allthe chaos that comes with
(12:21):
starting families, we stayedconnected.
We made time to visit each otherwhen we could.
Even though life got busier bythe minute, because we both
started to have kids, she hadtwo girls and I had three boys.
Our lives looked very different,but our bonds stayed the same.
(12:42):
No matter how much time passedor how many miles stretched
between us, we always picked upexactly where we left off.
She called and said she wasmoving back to California and
she and her family chose to livein the same town I was in, which
was really cool.
My world of friends had expandedby that time.
(13:04):
I built a very tight circle offriends through the Junior
League.
Many of you have heard me referto these girls as the niches,
and that's different story for alater time, how that name even
came about, but they werebesties of mine.
When Catherine moved back, shenever seemed really threatened
that I had this wide circle offriends and if she ever felt.
(13:27):
Pushed out or worried.
She never showed it.
She always carried herself witha quiet confidence that no
matter how many new peopleentered my life, our friendship
was untouchable.
We have been friends for over 35years.
She stood by me and I stood byher through life changes.
She was very close to me when Iwent through my divorce.
(13:51):
Always supportive, even thoughshe had never been a big fan of
my ex.
But when I went through mybiggest health battles, breast
cancer, brain aneurysm, strokes,her presence started to fade.
She was there for my surgery.
For my first breast cancer, butkind of distanced during my
recovery, and that might just bebecause my other friends had
(14:15):
really stepped up with mealtrains and putting a schedule
together to come sleep over withme.
Maybe it was just life.
People do show up differentlyduring hard seasons.
She wasn't absent, but shewasn't fully there either.
After I made it through allthese health obstacles, we found
(14:36):
our way back to each other andlife started to feel, I.
Normal again, after that time Ihad met somebody new and for the
first time in a long time, I wasreally excited about what was
ahead for he and I.
I couldn't wait for my friendsto meet him.
When Catherine gave me the nodand approval, the real genuine,
(14:57):
oh my God, I really dig thisguy.
It meant more than she probablyrealized.
Let's be real.
You don't need your friends'blessing to move forward with
somebody, but when you have it,it feels like the universe is
giving you the green light so wecontinued living our lives.
I eventually moved to the eastcoast, but I was living by
(15:19):
Coastally for about seven years.
Splitting my time betweenCalifornia and the east coast,
flying back and forth everymonth, sometimes twice a month.
I was spending time with mykids, catching up with friends,
and doing my best to keep allthe pieces of my life.
Connected.
(15:40):
I stayed with friends.
Sometimes.
Other times I'd rent an Airbnb,but in the early years of living
by Coastally, I often stayedwith Catherine.
It was the perfect setup.
She had a guest suite with itsown bedroom, bathroom, and even
a little office space where Icould work remotely.
It made it super easy and it wasvery familiar to me.
(16:03):
I knew her entire family.
Her kids, her parents, herbrother, sister, the type of
friends where you're literallypart of their family and when
you go to their house, it feelslike home.
We cooked together.
When I would stay there, we'dsit down as a family and have
dinner.
My kids would join us sometimesby this time, Catherine had
(16:25):
really settled into a quietdomestic lifestyle.
She wasn't really interested ingoing out anymore, going to
dinners lunches or shoppingtrips like we used to love to
do.
Something in her had justshifted.
It seemed like a spark wasstarting to fade the
conversations were usually mesharing my ups and downs, my
(16:46):
mess and milestones in my life.
Every now and then she let mein.
Maybe just a glimpse, share whatwas going on with her.
She had some bigger stuff goingon inside her than I had
realized, and she would give me,bits and pieces of that, but I
could just feel that somethingchanged in her Then came the
(17:08):
night that everything unraveled.
I mean everything.
We were all just hanging out ather house this one evening.
She and her family, her kids,her husband, and we decided to
watch the OJ Simpson series.
A scene sparked a conversationand I said.
Not all cops are good.
(17:28):
It wasn't meant to beinflammatory, it was just a
comment.
She snapped and she completelydisagreed with what I said.
I felt like I needed to explainmyself and where I was coming
from.
You know when someone getsreally upset, you're like, okay,
I am gonna give them the benefitof the doubt, and maybe I didn't
do a good job explaining whereI.
(17:52):
Was coming from when I made thatcomment.
I told her a story about myolder son and what had happened
to him at this event calledDeltopia.
It's a huge college scene in theSanta Barbara area, and that
particular year, a riot brokeout.
You've got.
A mix of college kids and peoplefrom LA and not such great parts
(18:15):
of la.
This huge riot broke out and myson and his friends who were
going to school at the time weretrying to get away.
They weren't sprinting, theywere just walking away.
But this SWAT team said, youneed to stop.
They all threw their arms up andI guess they didn't respond fast
(18:36):
enough, the cops opened firewith rubber bullets and many had
hit my son's back.
There was four or five that hithis back.
Those bullets are so powerful.
They knocked him down the copscame over and slammed his face
into the pavement and thesecollege kids are just trying to
get back home.
(18:58):
Anyway, they busted his lipopen.
It was, very emotional andtraumatic for my kid and there
was all this other shit goingon.
Gunshots, stabbings, all thatkind of stuff.
Yet these cops were focused onthese college boys.
My point to her was, not allcops are good, but she didn't
(19:21):
wanna hear what I had to say.
Instead, she completely spiraledand came undone.
She started calling me names,taking cheap shots at me, even
bringing my kids into her rage.
That was the gut wrencher andthe end of it for me.
At that point, mama Bear tookover and I headed towards the
(19:43):
bedroom to pack my things, Iwalked into the bathroom to get
all my toiletries.
She came flying in there andcornered me.
She got nastier, and at thatpoint we were both screaming at
each other at the top of ourlungs as if we couldn't hear
each other.
You know how that goes whenthere's just so much emotion in
(20:05):
an argument, you're trying tomake a point, so you just get.
Angrier and louder.
She was accusing me of lying.
She said I kept things from her.
She claimed I had had a heartattack and I didn't tell her.
It was absolutely absurd.
She was knocking down my friendsand how much she didn't like any
(20:27):
of them at that point.
I honestly didn't know if Iwanted to laugh or cry.
I have had a lot of healthstruggles, but that having a
heart attack, that was news tome.
I had never seen her like this.
It was like a stranger had takenover her entire body, and you
(20:49):
wanna know what the worst partof this entire situation was.
My youngest son was there.
He saw the whole damn thingunfold and heard her comments
about my kids.
Can you imagine?
We packed everything up.
We left her house.
We got in the car and droveaway.
(21:12):
I pulled over once we got out ofthe neighborhood because I was
so shaken, but I was so worriedabout my little guy.
We sat there sobbing, bothtrying to make sense of what had
just happened, and he was justso cute.
This is the innocence of a youngchild.
He's like, mommy, it's okay.
It's gonna be okay.
(21:33):
And I said, yes, everything willbe okay.
Even though I wasn't sure Ibelieved it myself, I certainly
wasn't gonna be okay.
I couldn't even.
Process what had just happened,and my poor kid had just seen a
version of his mom he'd neverwitnessed before.
(21:57):
Fierce, angry, pushed to theedge, screaming at the top of
her lungs.
It was really wild how someonecan pull you into the worst
version of yourself think of atime when that may have happened
to you.
No matter who the person was,we're so defensive and angry,
(22:18):
right?
We just start yelling andscreaming at each other,
especially if someone'sattacking us.
I had called a girlfriend andasked if my son and I could stay
at her house, and of course itwas absolutely fine.
She knew Catherine and when Igot to her house and shared the
entire event with her.
She was absolutely stunned.
(22:39):
It was like I was telling her astory about somebody else.
I was completely shaken thatnight trying to process the
things that Catherine had saidto me.
It was like my mind couldn'teven catch up to the reality as
I was replaying it all.
One truth became very clear tome this wasn't really about what
(23:02):
I said.
It was about everything she hadbeen holding onto.
Somewhere along the way,Catherine had grown very
dissatisfied with me and thelife that I was building, even
with the friends I surroundedmyself with.
But instead of telling me, itall came pouring out over a
(23:23):
comment for simple words.
Not all cops are good.
And somehow that was the triggerthat unraveled everything
between us.
You know that feeling when ablowup reveals everything,
someone's quietly resenting you.
That was this.
(23:44):
Maybe you've been there too.
Looking back, I could see thatshe was carrying a lot of
unspoken hurt.
We've all done that guilty partyright here, and because it had
nowhere to go for her, itexploded in my face the next
day.
She sent me a text apologizingand asked if we could talk, I
(24:07):
didn't respond.
I was extremely emotionalfeeling the residue from the
night before.
I.
Kind of like an earthquake.
If you have ever been in one.
It's like an aftershock the nextday.
She sent me an email later witha barrage of finger pointing at
(24:28):
me.
She was trying to explainherself and why she did what she
did.
But that's not what she did.
Instead, it was what I now knowto be called violent
communication.
This isn't a physical sense, butit's the energy.
It's harsh, it's very accusatoryand one sided.
(24:53):
We've all been there.
I've been there.
I'm not saying by I have neverdone this, but I've certainly
learned a lot throughout mylife.
I highly recommend I.
This way to express the hardtruths with love.
It's called non-violentcommunication.
(25:14):
It's where you speak honestly,but with empathy, your own
feelings, and you listen to theother person's perspective.
I know it's hard.
I had to train myself to dothis, but I have gotten very
good at it.
Let me give you an example of anonviolent communication.
(25:34):
Situation.
Catherine could have said, itreally hurts me when you're
spending time with otherfriends.
It makes me feel less importantto you.
That would've been a moment toconnect, to talk for her to heal
through the things that createdso much anger in her that I was
doing.
But unfortunately, that's notwhat happened.
(25:55):
And because of that, ourfriendship did not survive.
It wasn't just about that night,it was years of unspoken
resentment that she had pouringout of her all at once.
And here's the truth, when wedon't express our hurt when it's
happening in the moment.
(26:16):
It builds up and when it buildsup for too long, my God, boom.
It's a huge explosion sometimesover something so small, like my
four words.
I did respond to her emaileventually, I had given myself
some time to process what washappening, to take the emotion
(26:36):
out of it, and I had a sense ofwhat nonviolent communication
was by this point in my life, Iwas fortunate that one of my
really dear friends hadintroduced it to me, and I
started to take that intopractice.
So as I leaned back and thought,how am I gonna respond to this,
I decided to point out the painshe must have been feeling
(27:00):
towards me for a very long time,and that that pain had built up
quietly.
I told her I needed time toprocess everything and figure
out whether our friendship couldor even should move forward.
And during that time inreflection, that space that I
gave myself, I realizedsomething that was really hard
(27:24):
to admit.
How much she and I had changed.
I still loved being out withfriends, being social, saying
yes to new experiences.
That's a big part of who I am.
She preferred the comfort ofhome, a slower pace, a different
rhythm, and that's okay.
But our lives and our energy hadgrown in completely different
(27:48):
directions.
Even knowing that didn't mean Ididn't miss the good old days I
truly miss the deep connectionthat she and I once had.
That feeling that we just goteach other without even trying.
I miss that ease.
I miss that person.
The laughter, the sense that nomatter what happened, we were in
(28:13):
it together.
But sometimes when we hang on torelationship, no matter what
kind of relationship it is, justbecause of that history, those
incredible moments, the loyaltyand all the years we invested,
it's not for the right reasonsbecause there's no longer a
(28:35):
connection.
We're hanging on to history,facing that was really, really
difficult for me.
It forces you to be very honestwith yourself about whether
you're clinging to what was,instead of accepting what is as
much as it hurt to face it, Irealized the fulfillment we once
(28:58):
found in each other's lives.
It just wasn't there anymore,and maybe the most loving,
honest thing that she and Icould do is let go and move on.
It took the good part of sixmonths to a year for me to
overcome this.
This was 35 years of afriendship.
(29:19):
I've spoken to Catherine andseen her a few times since, is
it's not the same.
I will always love her.
Always love her family.
There's too much history betweenus, too much life shared for my
heart to ever let that love gocompletely.
But I will never forget whathappened.
(29:41):
It struck me so hard.
When a friendship like thisfalls apart, it hurts deeply.
There's no way around it.
You have to let yourself grieveto sit with the heartbreak and
to give yourself permission tomourn at the loss of this
friendship.
(30:01):
This is somebody who had beenwoven into the fabric of my
life.
But sometimes, no matter howmuch history you share, you have
to choose yourself.
So what do you do when afriendship like this falls
apart?
Here's what I've learned throughall of this.
First honor your grief.
(30:24):
You will be grieving for quitesome time and give yourself that
space.
Don't rush through it or pretendit doesn't hurt at all.
A lot of people try and shove itdown so they don't feel the
pain.
I.
Let yourself feel the pain ofthe loss of that friendship.
Second, be honest about therelationship and what it has
(30:47):
become, not what you wish itstill was.
We often hang on to what was andnot what is so many people stay
in the wrong relationshipbecause of this.
Third, protect your peace bysetting boundaries that honor
(31:08):
the person that you're becoming.
And finally, give yourself graceto either let go completely, or
if enough time passes toredefine the friendship on new
terms, understanding that itwill never be the same.
And that's okay too.
This is your decision.
(31:29):
Friendship breakups rarely comewith closure or clarity.
Sometimes all you're left withis a decision to heal, move
forward, and love yourselfenough to release what no longer
fits your life.
If you're at the crossroadsright now with a friendship like
(31:49):
this, just know that you will beokay and you will get through
this.
You're not alone.
This happens to so many of us.
Give yourself grace and spaceand time to really decide what
you wanna do about thatfriendship.
(32:09):
We all decide differently whatwe feel serves us best, and
maybe walking away is not whatyou wanna do.
So really think about why youdon't wanna walk away.
Because even though this personmay have completely come undone
on you this one time, thinkabout this.
(32:33):
They didn't have the courage asyour best friend to tell you
what was bothering them, so theyallowed it to build up, causing
resentment and blowing up.
I want you to be sure if you goback to that friendship, that
doesn't happen again.
It's verbal abuse if you decideto make amends with your friend,
(32:57):
have a real heart to heart andpromise each other that you
won't hold anything back.
And when you do share thingswith each other, it's shared.
With love before I wrap up, Iknow I have promised I would
bring on some guests this pastmonth and full transparency, one
(33:17):
of my interviews got completelytrashed because of a glitch with
a new recording software that Iwas trying out.
So we're having to reschedulethat one.
But in the meantime, hang tightbecause I've got a fantastic.
Guest coming up.
She's an author whose story Iabsolutely love, and it's
something I've talked about onsocial media.
(33:40):
It's that moment so many of usdream about.
When you know exactly what youwanna do with your life I can't
wait for you to hear her story.
Thanks for hanging out with metoday.
If this episode hit home foryou, share it with a friend who
might need it too.
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