Ep.37: Yucks, Yums, and Yes Please: Discover What Turns You On With Dr. Juliana Hauser

Episode Transcript
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Colette Fehr (00:03):
Hi everyone.
Welcome back to another greatepisode of insights from the
couch. I am so excited fortoday, we're going to be talking
with Dr Juliana Houser aboutholistic sexuality. You probably
don't even know what that is,but you will and agency,
pleasure and desire in midlife,how this phase of life can be
the most fulfilling and excitingsexual chapter. Yet she is a

(00:26):
psychologist with a PhD incounseling education and a
beloved media personality, bothon screen and in print. She's a
thought leader and a sexpert whodives into the hard to have
conversations that society deemstaboo. Dr Juliana has spent the
past three decades supporting1000s of people on their path to

(00:48):
discovering their own sexualagency, fulfilling sexual
connections and pleasure filledlives. Wow, let's dive in. And I
thought that we might start outby asking you a little bit about
because there's about 10,000things I want to ask you today.
I feel like we could do a daylong thing, but about how you

(01:10):
define holistic sexuality, whatthat means to you, because I'm
really intrigued by the conceptand the way you approach women
and men's sexuality, yeah,

Dr. Juliana Hauser (01:24):
thank you.
It is the the short of it isthat I think holistic sexuality
is is twofold. One is it is thatit is a way of looking at
finding out who you are. Thatwe've been told sexuality is
about the sex acts and who we'rehaving sex with, but I think
holistic sexuality means that itis the way to have a deeper

(01:44):
understanding of the essence ofwho we are. So I think it's like
the final frontier of selfdevelopment and and I think it's
one of the hardest places toknow who you are as a sexual
being. So if you're looking atyourself holistically, it means
in a holistic sexual way. Itmeans you're using the lens of
sexuality to be a place of selfdiscovery and and it's a place

(02:06):
that is so hard to figure outthat if you focus on looking at
yourself in a holistic way, thenyou are really learning skills
that will transition to otherparts of of yourself and other
ways of learning who you are. Sothat's, that's the one aspect.
It's more like philosophical.

(02:26):
And then how I how I trulydefine holistic sexuality, and
like the nuts and bolts of it,is that there's nine pillars of
holistic sexuality. So thisoriginally came from someone in
1981 of course, as a dude, andhis name was Dr Dennis daily,
and he had five circles ofsexuality, and it was at the
time, it was groundbreaking. Itwas just a really big thing to

(02:48):
just talk about sex beingsomething more than just sex
acts. But it was 81 and that wasa very long time ago, and it's
quite outdated, and it's Itshocks me as my careers
progress, I kept thinking like,why are we still using this? Why
are we and no one redid it? So Ifind like, well, if no one else
is doing it, then I guess I'lldo it. And so I started asking

(03:09):
questions in about 2004 andasking people. And started off
with college women, and then itprogressed to to just anyone you
could think of, all ages and allgenders. I first started with,
what are you sexually fulfilled?
Did you like who you are as asexual being or your sexual
life? And when people answeredyes to any of those questions, I
started asking, what does thatlook like? What is it about that

(03:31):
that makes you feel fulfilled,and how do people define it? And
I quickly learned no one definesit the same way. And I also
started seeing that there arethemes to the people who were
saying yes to that question, andthemes that to the people who
were not. And I started puttingthem into different topics, and
some of them overlapped withDennis's circles of sexualities,

(03:51):
and some of them didn't. Andthen I just progressed it to
everybody, and I ended up withthese nine pillars. So they are
sensuality, they are health andwellness. Their pleasure desire.
They are sex acts and interest,intersecting identities, power
and trauma, relationships andand then connection. And so

(04:14):
those are the nine pillars thatare kind of on the outside, the
foundational subjects that ifyou are wanting to look at
yourself as a holistic sexualbeing, that you need to hit all
of those areas. And then the hubof it is sexual agency. And this
is like the agency is the cruxof my work. It's in everything
that I do. And I believe that ifyou are a holistic sexual being,

(04:38):
and we have a holistic sexualculture, which we don't have.
But if we were to, if we were tohave that in my dream world,
then agent, agency would be thedriving force, which means that
we all define who we are as asexual being on our own terms,
and we don't use that definitionand understanding as a way to
oppress or marginalize anybody.

(05:00):
Else, and we look at it allrelationally, so who I am
defines what I am, informs whatI'm doing and with whom, and
that's all I am responsible for.
And then I have to figure out ifI'm doing this with anybody
else, that I have my yeses andnos, and who I am next to
somebody else's yeses and nos,and that's a lot. I'll stop

(05:22):
there.

Laura Bowman (05:26):
No. I mean, I've never even thought of it like
that. I've

never really thought about it at all. And I'm
a COVID. I mean, I talk aboutsex all the time.

Yes, it's true, and I know none of we're
not trained. I feel you'reprobably the same as me that I
wasn't given any training aboutthis. I had one class, and most
people don't even have oneclass, too, yeah, and it was
very narrow as to what we talkedabout, yeah. And

safe, focus.
Sense? Safe, yes, yes. Exactlythe one thing I took away,

right? Yes, which is great, but, you know,
it's what we're all given. We'regiven the addict. We're giving
the addict of who we are as asexual being, like the sex tips,
and we're not given thefoundation. And so holistic
sexuality is the foundation andand when we when we put sex tips
without really knowing what weare underneath all of that, then

(06:21):
it usually falls short. It's itis a it's the exception that the
sex tip works if you don'tunderstand where you're putting
it into and why, and and I'vebeen on a mission for so long to
try to change our education astherapist, because it's
inescapable, because it's sexand aren't who we are as a
sexual being is who we are. Howcan we not be trained in this as

(06:42):
therapists, if we're workingwith people and their
relationships or selfdevelopment, but as a different
soapbox too? Can

I ask you a question? I want to make sure
I'm understanding this right? Ifind this so exciting, so
although potentially daunting,and I want to ask you about that
too. Like what it looks like tostart on this journey. But I
love how you said the finalfrontier of self development is
knowing who you are as a sexualbeing, something that if we're

(07:10):
two therapists working on thisall the time, and we haven't
thought about it, probably a lotof people haven't thought about
it, yes, and so is it then thatas you know, yourself through
these nine pillars, and youstart to examine these pillars
and get curious and askyourself, Okay, what who am I?
How do I show up here? You know,what brings me pleasure, what is

(07:33):
sensual to me, all of thosekinds of questions. Is it just
an exploration? And then you youthink about it, and you try
things potentially, and youembolden yourself to have more
agency and assertiveness andgoing after what you want. Like,
I'm imagining, you know, someversion of like Under the Tuscan

(07:56):
Sun, but you go there to like,learn who you are as a sexual
being, instead of restore avilla,

right? It's a it's a yes and but I would say
it's all of that. I think the Imean, the first part of it is
actually just hearing thatconcept and thinking, maybe,
like, especially like, if youhave the reaction that you all
have, which is like, Oh, I'venever thought of it that way,
that's, that's the first thingwhenever I hear that, I'm like,

(08:27):
Oh, great, good, good, good.
Like, that's not the bad news.
It's the good news. Because noone has no no one's been exposed
to that. And if I can, if I canchange my relationship with what
sex is, then anyone can. Andthat also feels like the good
news too. I feel like a veryunlikely person to have gone
into this subject matter. Istarted off as a kindergarten

(08:49):
teacher. My arc of my career isso different. And not saying
that kindergarten teachersaren't sexual, if they are all
of those things, but I'm justlike that wasn't that wasn't
like, I didn't wake up as thisbeing my mission. It came to me
and I realized, again, like, if,if this, if I'm thinking like
this, if I'm curious if this is,if this is a struggle for me,

(09:10):
then it has to be for so manyother people, too. So the first
part is like, okay, there's apossibility of this being
something different than if youget exposed to, like, the nine
pillars of holistic sexuality,the way that I describe it, then
it is like, I almost, I thinkmarketing wise, it doesn't work,
but I think philosophically itdoes that I really look at it as

(09:31):
a sexual audit, that you arelooking at a 360 view of of
yourself. And I just think theword audit just makes us all
cringe for taxi. But yes, itfeels like a lot of bad things.
So I don't use that wordoutwardly, but I do think that's
really what it is. We're justreflecting on who we are. And I
do think that you have to do it.
Both, you have to do anintellectual journey, which

(09:52):
includes like, you know, anemotional aspect to it, and then
you need to do like, the actual,like, physically. Figuring that
stuff out. And for some itstarts physically, you're
exploring it, and others, itstarts intellectualizing. You do
it in an intellectual way. Itcan be either order, and because
you go back and forth. So youare thinking through it, you're

(10:12):
feeling through it, and you'rephysically figuring it out along
the way too. And it keepsinforming itself, which is the
beautiful aspect of it, the moreyou learn, the more you have
more questions, the more youhave more questions, the more
you have more answers, and youget to explore more and so it's
not a one time thing. It's notjust one class. It's not just

(10:33):
one Italian villa. It really issomething that you carry
alongside of you. When I work, Iwork with people from I have, I
have talked to kids, seventh andeighth graders that haven't done
any younger than that in thiswork. And I've gone up to people
in their 80s. And I've neverhad, I've never left a
discussion without at least oneperson saying, Gosh, I wish I

(10:56):
had this earlier in my life. Andso it really is something that
should, we should be doingthroughout this and I think that
like asking yourself thesequestions is is really brave,
because a lot of times we don'thave the answers, or at least
not at first, and it can feelreally scary to not know. To sit

(11:16):
there and think I don't, I don'tknow. I've never been asked it.
I never, I never thought aboutit, because that leads you down
the road oftentimes too, likeI'm doing this wrong, and so
much of our sexual culture is aright or wrong.

That's exactly what I thought when you started.
I was like, you know, I'massuming that there are no wrong
answers to any of thesequestions, correct, right? But,
but the first thought I had whenyou started talking about these,
like sexual pillars, is I wasthinking, Man, there are just
some people that are, like,really sexual and like, it's
like any anything likeathleticism or art being

(11:56):
artistic. There are some peoplewho are just feel like an
affinity with their sexualityand where other people, I think,
feel really cut off, but I but Ithink that what you're saying
is, it doesn't matter how youenter this framework, but, like,
none of the answers are wrong,even if the answer is, like, I
really don't want to be touched,right? Like, that's its own

(12:19):
legitimate piece of information,right? Yeah,

it's, it is a legitimate way of being a
sexual person too. Is just wehave to give ourselves
permission in order to have ouranswer that's authentically true
to us, have validity to it. Wehave to, we have to give it to
ourselves first. Yeah. And inorder to do that and to
experience it, we have to haveasked it first and be asked and

(12:46):
have it can be doneindividually. It can be done
privately, because I have acourse that brings people
through it. I also do it ingroups, and it is each each way
to experience the questions andthe pillars is really
interesting and valuable. Whenpeople do it around others,
though, whether it's just withme or with I have other people

(13:09):
that facilitate it, it's so it'sso powerful to hear other
people, and it's like when I doit in a group and everyone's in,
all it takes is one person tostart risk taking, and to say,
and I'll go, I'll go first. I'llsay the hardest, most
embarrassing thing first. Andand then, like,

what can you give us an example of something you
might say to get theconversation going? Yeah.

So one of the things I remember the first
time that I said out loud, we'retalking about self pleasure. So
masturbation, I don't call itmasturbation. I use the word
self pleasure, and and I said,you know, I didn't realize that
when I was hanging from a door,when I was this young girl, that
that was a form of selfpleasure. And the first time I

(13:53):
said it, I remember feelingawkward about it, but then like,
oh, hell. I mean, everyone elsewill do it. And then there was

silence. I was like, Oh no, she stands low. No,
nobody else

Unknown (14:03):
did that. And,

like, I just thought everybody did that. And,
and, and then I had someone elsego, oh, well, I like, I humped
my my stuffed animal. I waslike, Oh, that's awesome.
Really. Like, which one and, andthen someone's like, Oh, is that
what I was doing in gym class,on the rope, and everyone
started sharing it, and, andit's, it felt really long

(14:27):
between me thinking, Oh, this isjust my story, to silence, to
acceptance, to humor, to, youknow, all of that, and, And, and
there's so many examples ofwhere we we have no idea how
else anyone else else isexperiencing it, or what they
were doing, and we don't knowthe other possibilities, but we

(14:50):
typically feel like we'regetting it wrong. So if you say
it first and own it, and that'swhat I try to do, too, it's
like, yeah, this is just mystory. This is just how I go
about. It, and I try to own theawkwardness or the fear or the
emotion that's attached to it,that usually it helps other
people to share their storiestoo, and also just saying, this
is just mine. This is myexperience. This is this is

(15:13):
where. This is my Yes, this ismy No, this is what I've learned
from it. I think makes a reallybig difference. We just don't
have lots of space to sharesexual stories and sexual
experiences that we feel safe,

right? And there's so much shame, right? Like,
there's shame in their stuff andembarrassment, and it's like a
lot of women feel like they justlike, sort of tuck it into the
margins of their story, likethey don't want to really, I
mean, is that your experiencethat people, I mean, I guess
you're giving, like, thisbeautiful permission slip to
sort of walk into it. But ingeneral, do you find that a lot

(15:48):
of women are just like, I don'tI'm good.

Well, there's, there's a self
selection of who talks to me. Ofcourse, there's some of that
too. So people, either like,when I go to events, people are
drawn to talk to me, and theywant to share all the things,
ask all the questions, orthey're like, oh my god, I can't
even make eye contact with you.
You're gonna, you're, you're theperson that talks about sex, or
you're gonna ask me about sex.

(16:13):
And so, so I do have a variety,but I do what, actually, what
I've really found is that whenpeople understand that I
genuinely care, and I'm reallyinterested in what someone has
to say about anything, butparticularly about their sexual
life, that there is a hunger tobe listened to, to get it off

(16:34):
your chest, to share, tonormalize it, the good and the
bad parts of it. And I would saythat if I'm going to be speaking
specific with genders, I wouldsay women are hungry to be asked
and to have a space for it, andmen are desperate.

Oh, can you say more about that? Yeah, yeah,
that

we just in general, we don't have a healthy
sexual culture, but, but womenin general have done a better
job of creating spaces topractice being vulnerable,
practice normalizing and knowingwhat to say to each other. And
in general, male identifiedfolks do not so if you already
don't have the skill set, youdon't have the relationship set

(17:15):
up to talk about anythingvulnerably or to share and risk
take. Then you add the taboonessand the awkwardness and the hard
part of sexuality onto it, then,in general, males have even less
access to safety and talkingabout their sexual stories or
questions, and have the samedesire to be normalized, to

(17:37):
share, to understand and to haveit be better. And so when I'm
able to give that space, andwhen men are able to give it to
themselves, too, I find it justflows, flows, but flows, it
flows out.

Everyone's hungry for this. So this brings a
question to mind. I'm thinkingabout couples I work with, and
even conversations I've had withfriends, but I'm thinking about
middle age, a middle aged woman,let's say, in a marriage. Maybe
she's been married a long timeto somebody she met in college.
Let's just say a heterosexualmarriage for the case of a case

(18:12):
study, and she's not into thesex life at all, and it's a
constant source of, you know,desire discrepancy. Her husband
wants more sex, but he's kind ofgiven up asking because he feels
rejected often. Maybe they havesex a couple times a month, and
she's sort of just shut down,and just shut down this part of

(18:37):
herself because she's not intoit. In the marriage, she doesn't
know what she desires. She'snever explored it. How does
somebody like that? You know youcan do it on your own, but if
you're in a long term marriageand there's all this emotional
stuff, resentment and avoidanceand disconnection built up

(18:59):
around it, how does somebodylike that start to explore the
sexual possibilities of youknow, who she might even be
attracted to, or that theremight be things out there she's
never explored? And how do youget into a conversation with
your partner about that?

That's such a beautiful scenario set up that
it feels like, like a Tuesdayfor me, like I hear like that
is, that's just this. I hearthat all the time. It is such a
typical dynamic, which, sincewe're all, like, nodding our
heads and like, we hear thisdynamic all the time, why
haven't we figured out a way, aneasier lift? Why is why is this

(19:39):
something that's still aconsistent, chronic problem for
us all. And I don't you knowthat that answer is a long
answer, and it is, you know, somany parts to it, but where I
begin is I honestly like just tobring lightness to it, which is,
it is amazing that and. Anybodyis having any kind of great sex

(20:02):
at all,

Unknown (20:04):
because they're saying that it's just it's the

bodily functions, the all the lifts
that we have, the hurdles wehave to go through, and so the
fact that we have this setup,that it should be happening all
the time, and should always feelgreat and wonderful and be easy
and flowing and sexual andfabulous and movie stars kind of

(20:28):
sex is, is, is just ridiculousand and then I like to talk to
like, again, bringing somelightness to it. Is just sex is
so weird. It's, it's, it'snoisy, it's, it's, there's
liquid, so there are, you know,positions and all the kinds of
things that are just soridiculous.

Unknown (20:47):
Yeah, all

of it's just ridiculous. So you add all the
hard stuff, and then just theweirdness of it all, and it's
like, and this is what we want,but, and somehow, sometimes it
magically will be awesome andbeautiful and pleasure filled
and all those kinds of things.
It can feel like we're justalways like, hoping for the you

(21:09):
know, the best of it. So I thinkwhen you can bring the curiosity
and lightness and humor tosomething that feels pretty
serious and hard and and veryfar from from where you are,
from where you want to be. Itchanges the tone of it, and that
can take a while to get to thatplace, because there, there

(21:30):
often is by the time they cometo us this it has been happening
for a while. It's rare. I wishit wasn't rare, but we all know
it's rare. People wait way toolong to go into therapy to get
support. And so we gotta, wegotta just change the tone of it
and instill hope. Sometimes Ithink, and I love you all agree
that the biggest thing I do isgive people hope, if I can give

(21:50):
insight on top of that hope. Butit can take a while to infuse
hope into it. So after we gothrough that aspect of things,
like in the in the in the thecrux of it, I think you have to
understand how, how couplesnegotiate any kind of
difference, and that doesn'tchange when you're talking about

(22:11):
sex. So I like talking aboutnegotiation skills. Like, what
is communication inside of that?
What is the power differentialin it? Where is the history in
it, and where is the place thata couple can compromise for the
relationship, but not have it bea compromise of the soul, and

(22:31):
there's gonna be nuance to thosedifferences, and then opening up
for curiosity that I reallywanna teach people the skill of
being okay in ambiguity, so thatthere isn't this panic to have
to have the quick fix, becauseit's not, and it will be
something that I say to couples,especially if I hear a history
like what you described, whichis, we have a long haul ahead of

(22:54):
us, and that's not bad news.
We're not going to fix this intwo sessions. We have a lot to
sift through and a lot that Ineed to learn in order to infuse
myself into this and and solet's relax and let's get very
curious and and find all of theno's to be really good news
that's giving us informationinstead of like, all the things

(23:15):
that haven't worked are notfailures, to me, they're just
data points. And let's startlooking at the expansion of
that. And that's again, wherehope comes in, which is like,
Oh, we've got so many things wecan think through, so many
things that we can try. Yeah,that ability to try without
knowing if it's going to work issuch a skill that couples are

(23:37):
not taught in general, and it'swhat helps you know, like when
you can do that, then it'seasier to not give up, because
we have so many other things atour disposal. But if we're
talking specifically about sexand how I get at that, then,
then I think it's reallyimportant to know that what
worked for you then is mostlikely not going to work for you
now, and that we live in an erathat there is so much

(24:00):
information at our disposal, Ilike to really say, Who cares
what your Google search lookslike? I I want you not to worry
about who is watching any ofthat or who's going to see it if
you you know you dieunexpectedly and have to erase
your history. Like, like, we arelucky that we can Google a lot
of things, and we are lucky thatwe can watch things and that we

(24:23):
can explore what interests usand make that be to your
advantage, right?

Yeah, right. So it's really this idea of just
starting to get curioustogether, lightening it relax. I
like that word relax, becauseyou're right. There's so much
for so many people, noteverybody, but for so many of
us, along with the shame, theembarrassment, the
disconnection, the fear, maybeeven of what's in me that I

(24:53):
don't know about, that I've beentaught is shameful, that I don't
want to discover, so many layersput on us by society. Society
that that we have to sort oftell ourselves first, let's just
take a deep breath and, like,relax into this and and open up
a little. It's okay. Whatever itis is okay. We don't have to
figure it all out right away.
This says nobody's coming. Thepolice aren't coming to the

(25:16):
door. Yes, I google some thingthat I've wondered about, but
I've never been courageousenough to admit or explore,
right? And that's that's hard,but it's so freeing, because how
can we know ourselves if thispart of us is locked away? Yes,

you're right, and if we think it has to
always be how it always hasbeen, and let letting ourselves,
because we we want to expand inso many at this time in our
life, or in that time in arelationship, there's so many we
we do know so much more aboutourselves and and this is often
a place where we've let it bethe last thing that we do. So
there's there's so much. And ifyou can believe that if you

(26:00):
again, if you know who you areas a sexual being, that it
infuses to all areas of yourlife, that it's worthy to spend
the time here, that like, I justthink, when people understand
that sexuality isn't a luxury,it's a necessity, it changes the
conversation about how we'regoing to change who we are as
sexual beings, and Learn andlearn who we are, and if you're

(26:22):
partnered to then learn who youare next to them, learning how
they are and who and how thatfits together, or doesn't fit
together easily.

Yeah. So, so tell us a story about a like, maybe a
woman at midlife, or that hasone of these, like, sort of
sexual renaissances withherself. And I'm also wondering,
because I work with some peoplewho have like, relationship or
sexual OCD, where they likeworry that they're going to find
out that they're gay, right?
Yeah, because, you know, andthis is real for people in

(26:52):
midlife, it's like they don'twant to explore their sexuality
because they do not want to getinformation that is gonna, like,
shake their foundational world,you know. So I'm just wondering,
what are some of the best casescenarios where you've seen
people really like, come aliveafter a period of being dormant
with their sexuality? That

is so great.
I love it. Love that question.
Sometimes the answer I'll getspecific, but sometimes the
answer is, people start sayingno more often, and because I do
think sometimes we expect thestories, or the success stories
to be what what I'm about toshare, because I know sometimes
that's more interesting thanhearing the stories of No but,
but I want to begin withsometimes the most sexually free

(27:39):
person and the biggesttransformation is there's when
someone starts saying no to thethings they don't want to be
doing inside of sexualconnection, and when you know
what that feels like to show upfor yourself and to say to
yourself first, I really, thisreally is a no. I don't want
this anymore. This doesn't feelgood. I don't like this, and I

(28:02):
don't have to say that in anapologetic way. I don't have to
be an asshole about it, but Idon't have to be like, I'm so
sorry. I don't want this. It'slike, I don't, I don't. This
isn't, this isn't a yes anymore,and I would like us to try this
instead. Or it's, it's, it's ano for me or a no for me right

(28:23):
now. And and the world doesn'tfall apart because you've said
no to something when you whenyou experience that, it is, is
transformative, and it frees youup, because you really you
cannot accept somebody's yes ifyou don't understand their nose,
and that starts with you andyou, and it's in reverse too.

(28:45):
You can't really embrace yournose if you don't understand
your yeses. You have to knowboth as an aspect of it. So
that's, that's, that's mybiggest success story is when
people learn how to say noauthentically and and live
through it. But I'll give acouple examples, or I'll start
with one and see what you think.
I'm thinking, particularly ifsomeone who's given me
permission to share this, if itever was, was relevant publicly

(29:06):
that she was divorced and hadbeen really through a pretty
tumultuous relationship anddivorce and wasn't able to see a
sexual life as a single woman inher in her mid life, as we were
going through her sexualhistory, she felt a lot of shame
that it took a while. In herview, there's no right time

(29:30):
frame. But in her view, she wasthinking that it took too long
to have sex. It took too long,you know, there weren't a lot of
options for her, and she wasconvinced that was going to be
the case now that she was 20years older and was afraid to
step into her body had changedif she'd heard all these horror
stories of dating apps anddidn't even know how to do the

(29:51):
technology of it. So once we gotthrough the fears of things, and
that took a while for us to getthrough, we started this
exercise that I. I love, Ididn't come up with it. And
actually, it's, it's so outthere. I don't know who, who did
come up with it, to give themcredit, but it's a diagram. I
call it the four quadrantexercise. And we just started
there. You have a list of, like,just exhaustive list of sex acts

(30:11):
and and there's a quadrant thatyou put them in. And to me, it's
one of the it's such an excitingplace to start an agency,
because it requires you. The waythat I teach people to do it is
you have to have a yes or no.
You are not allowed to do amaybe. And there's no like maybe
category. It's you have sex actsthat you've tried that you think
you want to try again, that's ayes for you, sex acts that you

(30:34):
have tried that are a no foryou, or you think they are right
now, sex acts that you've nevertried, but sound pretty good. Do
you think you want to try it?
And sex acts that you've nevertried? They're like, Yeah, it
feels like pretty much a no gofor me. So those are the four
categories.

Okay, wait, wait, wait, I just have to say
something here. First of all, Ilove it, but I'm thinking I
might be the most shelteredperson alive. I'm like, do I
just not know that many sex actsI'm like, Are there 10,000
things that, because I can feel,I feel like I could think of
like six sex acts?

Unknown (31:09):
Well, wait your creative COVID, I

guess I mean maybe more than six. But as you're
saying this, I'm going wait aminute. What are these like sex
acts that are filling thismassive

Well, that's why I did the list for you. Oh,
yeah, I have, I have a long listthat I give and you can, and you
can Google it. You can do, like,list of sex acts. Oh, we

have to, like, post that. Yes,

Unknown (31:39):
show notes, yes, yes,

yeah. And I had, the diagram. I have a
diagram that you don't do. Yeah,yeah. For sure. We will just
remind me. Okay, and so it'severything from like holding
hands is on the list that is asex act to, and you can do your
own list also. But I say topeople, it should start with

(32:03):
something like holding hands andend with something that you have
to look up the definition tobecause you've never heard of
what it is like. That is therange of things. Because I want
you to be able to look at thingsand and and on the spot in I
always say it's in sand, not incement. So it's just how you're
feeling today that it's a yes ora no, a Yucca or a Yum, because

(32:25):
I want you building your owntrust in your body telling you
yes, yucca, yum, yucca, yum,just instantly. Can you

give us like one that's I love, the holding
hands, maybe I know more

that we wouldn't.

Unknown (32:42):
Well,

and I don't judge because I don't want to
yuck somebody's yum. So yes,like, so example would be like
fisting. So for somebody thatthat would be an incredible yum
to somebody, and someone elsemay have no idea what fisting
means. Okay, so

just to clarify, putting your fist up someone's
vagina or anus,

yes, can you actually? Can that happen to
some people? Yeah, for somepeople,

get a fist and an anus.

You can, and you can, wow too,

like a yum. For a lot of people, is that a common
Yum, or is that like a fetish?
Or I

think, well, I don't ever really trust sexual
research, because I don't thinkpeople are honest, a lot of
safety with it. So there's alot, I think that there are, I
think, I think porn sitestatistics are probably the most
honest of people's interests.
There's a difference of beinginterested in someone else doing
it and looking at watchingarouse than having doing it

(33:48):
yourself. And there's adifference of, like, fantasizing
about it, just in the fantasyarousal versus fantasizing. I
want to do it, yeah. So I thinkthat you know, something like a
sex act like fisting, it mayfall into different kinds of
categories, right?

Unknown (34:08):
Yeah,

to see observation, witnessing and
being aroused that way, versusactually. So already on my soon
to be quadrant, I have one youngwhich is hand holding, and one,
yeah, just for me, no questionfor this girl, but very
interesting, and I can't wait tohear all the others, yes, yeah.

(34:29):
Learn a lot.

It's so wonderful when you get when,
when, especially if, this may beone of the first times you've
ever proactively made a decisionif something's a yes or a no to
you, because a lot of times,like, when I've been collecting
people's sexual stories, a lotof times there are parts of
their stories that they theydidn't have a proactive,

(34:52):
intentional and purposeful yesor no that either just happened
to them. And I'm not necessarilysaying an insult, but just a
lot, there's a lot of. Storiesthat I, that I hear along the
way, of like, before I knew it,we were doing this or, or they
just, it, just transitioned intosomething else, and there wasn't
consent. And again, I'm nottalking about assault, but just

(35:13):
even, like, Oh, I didn't. Inever even thought to ask if I
wanted to do it. Or I neversaid, Wait, let me. Let me. What
are we doing now, like, is thisa yes for me? And then sometimes
we don't know if it's a yes orno until we've tried it, right?
And then even other times, itwas a no, in that situation, in
that context, in those details,at that time of my life. But

(35:34):
maybe I don't know, maybe it's ayes. Now so Colette baby, maybe
in 10 years we come back andfisting is like it's a, maybe,
probably not, probablynot. So that is a on an extreme,
but again, never, not, neverwanting to somebody's young

Unknown (36:00):
because they're maybe judgment. Right? No judgment on

any of that.
But it's just the skill of itthat's the most important. It is
not as important as to whereyou're putting the quadrants out
as but as to how you relate tothe list, how you how you
negotiate with yourself. Whereare you putting everything and
all the judgments and all thethings that go along inside of
it. And then if you decide toshare that with somebody else, I

(36:24):
love walking couples throughthis, this exercise of creating
safety first, because all ittakes is Colette you saying,
like, I think I'm interested infisting. And Laura's like, what?
And it's like, oh no, nevermind. Did I say fisting? I
meant, you know, whatever it isor or whatever it is. And
imagine if you are negotiatingthat with a partner, and you

(36:47):
are, you have, you've done allthis work to check in with your
yums and yucks, and you havegotten yourself in this, in this
safe place, and you are risktaking, and you're sharing that.
I think I want to try this, or Ithink I don't want to try this
anymore, then imagine if a toneor if a face or whatever shuts
you down, it can truly havecatastrophic and huge ripple

(37:10):
effects alongside of it. So Ilove teaching couples to know
how to create a safe space foreach other and to have those
kind of rules and negotiationsbefore you ever step into any
kind of risk sharing in this.
But it's really powerful and andthen once you have it, it's so
interesting, when I'm doing itwith couples too, that the I've

(37:32):
had countless couples look ateach other and like, you've been
wanting to do this this wholetime. And I did too, and we
could have been doing that foryears, like, what or, or, that's
changed. That was a no for youthe last time I asked. But now
Now you're thinking yes, or Ihaven't wanted to do that
either, and I just did itbecause I thought you wanted to

(37:54):
do it, because we always do it,and we let's just, let's just
don't do it anymore. And they'reboth relieved like that. It's,
it's amazing to me, although I'mnot surprised because of our
sexual culture, how, how few oftimes couples really ask the
questions that need to be askedof each other and and when they
have the freedom and then learnto practice it, and they can do

(38:14):
it in a safe environment, howthen it starts making other
questions so much easier to askthat aren't even in a sexual
context, right?

You know, it's so funny as you're talking about
it, I'm thinking that, like,there's this layer that I think
exists for a lot of women. I'll,I'll own it. I think it's
existed for me too, which isthat women's sexuality comes up
around performing for men, youknow, like, what? Do you want
from me? And that it's even asyou're talking about checking in

(38:45):
with yucks and yums. I'mthinking, like, it might be
really hard for me to say Idon't want something that I
think my partner really wants,like, just to step into my own
genuine like, what is good forme? Like, I wonder if do you
have to get through that layerwith some women, a lot of like,

(39:05):
just Yeah, being okay with it,being a no and disappointing a
partner, yeah, or not performingfor a partner. I don't know
that. Just

like, it could make the relationship more
insecure. Yeah, a lot of peoplefeel that. There are people,
even if they don't feel likethey have to perform, they're
afraid not to deliver certainsexual expectations that you
know it could really jeopardizethe bond and that somebody might
want to look elsewhere or not besatisfied with you. Yes.

Oh, it happens a lot. And I because I
do think part of really owningyour sexual agency has a
grieving aspect to it, that ifyou are going to activate
agency, it means you're going tohave some no's. And if you're
within a relationship, itinvariably is going to be
there's going to be differencesof what are yeses and nos to

(39:56):
people and so how do younegotiate that? Goes back to
that question. Like, what's acompromise for the relationship,
and what's a compromise of yoursoul, and when, when it's a
compromise for the relationship,then there's negotiation and,
and there's you can you havesome have parts to work with
when it's a compromise of yoursoul, that the No is the No,

(40:17):
and, and you have to learn howto accept a no that isn't really
awful to the relationship, andyou have to learn how to give
that no, because giving a yesthat isn't authentically yes as
is as damaging to yourself andthe relationship as it is giving
what you are afraid an actual nois. And when that happens, and

(40:41):
it does happen, in fact, I lookfor that to happen so I can help
couples negotiate. That is that.
So I'll give an example. Yeah,somebody wants to have a
threesome, and they want it.
They want to know what that'slike, and the other person is
like, no, that's that's just,they've done all the search, and
it just is a compromise of theirsoul. They do not want to do it,

(41:02):
and so it's not going to happenin this relationship. What are
you going to do with that? Andso you start asking questions of
like, so what about that? Is,what makes it a yes for you? So
you don't shame them for wantingit. And we look at, okay, is
there anything else that wouldfulfill that? So let's say it's,
it's the novelty of it, or it'sthe excitement of it that's what

(41:24):
is, what they think is arousingand interesting to them. What
are other things that are yesesthat could feel exciting or that
could feel taboo, that wouldmeet that need? It wouldn't be
that specific thing, but itcould meet the more emotional or
attractive aspect of it. It'snot the same thing, but it's not
necessarily worse or lesser thanand when you can start looking

(41:46):
at some of the whys, withouttheir without fear of judgment,
then it opens up the possibilityof it not feeling like this huge
loss and and disappointment orlack of performance. It's a
shift of this. I can't do this,but I can do that, and sometimes
it is the actual disappointment.
Well, I just really wanted totry that. I really and that's

(42:07):
just sucks, that if I stay withyou and I stay loyal to our what
we've decided is right for ourrelationship, then I won't ever
get to experience that. And thatfor some people, is a very big
deal for others where it isn'tand it's like, Well, okay, but I
still want to try somethingelse. Then it's something that
strengthens the relationship,rather than hurts it. And so

(42:29):
many people are so afraid it'sgoing to be catastrophic, then
they never go there. And thatavoidance is what ends up
ruining things. And being Yes,

ruins everything.
Yeah. So do you find? Well, twothings I'm thinking. One, is it
true that most people in reallife have to work at their sex
life if they want it to reallybe good? Yes, because we're all
so different, right? We're alsodifferent,

and we change in our what is true for
us this morning could bedifferent tonight, and what
happens emotionally andphysically and spiritually, so
much informs and influences oursexual life that it that we have
to keep up with it and and yes,again, it's a, it's a, it's a
big, fluid, changing thing,which is, again, why I think

(43:19):
It's not a luxury. It's anecessity to be prioritizing it,
because it's always changing,and it's also always in our
face. It is impossible to notsee a movie, advertising, a news
thing, the politics, it iseverywhere and and so if we're

(43:40):
if we're avoiding facing it,then we're actually causing a
lot of problems. And if we, ifwe can do a 360 on it and see it
holistically, then we get toincorporate it and have a lot
more choice and health to aidus. Wow.

And I'm wondering, like, Is there, like, with these
nine pillars, is it alwaysdifferent, like, the doors that
people need to walk through,like the pain points, or is
there, like an easy beginningplace to to start accessing with
these pillars? Yeah?

Oh, I love Yeah. I love that. So I put all,
I mean, I've been working onthese for since 2004 so I have
been in this where I think aboutit all the time. And so I have
an order that I when I do itthrough my course, that I put
people through, and I've changedit through the years, and in the
past, probably like seven, eightyears, I know I have the order

(44:32):
right for it, because I've doneit with so many people. And so
the first place that we alwaysstart is sensuality. And
sensuality was something that Ikind of go back to something
that you were saying earlier,Laura, about, like there's just
some people who seem to be moresexual than than other people. I
thought that personally was thecase with sensuality. I would

(44:54):
have never described myself as asensual person back in the day,
and I. Had, I had a viewpoint, astereotype, of what a sensual
woman was, and she lived inBali, and she had flowy skirts
and and wore a certain outfit,and she talked a certain way.
And I don't say thatdisrespectfully. I just like
that was that sensual? That isnot me. I can be sexual, but not

(45:18):
sensual, or whatever that,whatever that was, I could
perform sensually and mimic whatI thought something was, but it
was never true and authentic tome and And admittedly, I felt
bad about myself for that. Ithought I'm a lesser sexual
person because I'm not sensualin that way. And when I started

(45:39):
exploring and researching andlearning and asking people, it's
like, no, that's not, that's notaccurate at all. We're all
sensual beings, and we all allare sent have a sensuality to
us. We just have to find our ownbrand of that. We all have
different access to the fivesenses, and we don't have we all
don't have access to all five ofthem or the same level of it,

(46:01):
but we all have access to someof them. And so the first thing
that we do, so that's why Istart there, is that sensuality
is not benign. I used to saysensuality was easy. I've
learned not to say that at all,because it isn't not any of them
are easy, but we all can do it.
So we'll start with touch. And Iwalk through the five senses and
make it applicable, inclusive toeverybody, and touch is one of

(46:24):
them. So I had these four typesof touches that come from
tantric practice. And I askedpeople to do a yucker or young
to it. I love doing it in anaudience when I'm speaking. So
I'll do like, like, here'swater. I'll everyone do water.
And I just, I want you to shout

out, yucca. Yum.
What just like doing water,yeah, it's a

light it's a light touch, and you just have
movement to like, so it's like alight touch that way. So that's
water, yeah. And then like,well, I'll do the exhibit. So
this is ground, so the groundhas like, a firmer touch to it.
And so I was like, yucker, yum.
And people were like, yuck oryum. And after you do the first
time, especially if you do itaround somebody else, and you
have a different answer thansomebody else to it. Like, for

(47:05):
me, I love ground. Air is this?
Air is like, a really, reallylight touch I do not like. Or
when I first started doing this,I was like, oh, yuck, on air.
Like, that's just gonna make me,like, SWAT you away. But like,
do

you do you actually touch with air? Or it's
like, just almost, yeah, it

there's it's almost, like, if you were to
close your eyes, you could feelthe heat or the presence of it,
and every once while it goes upagainst it. Yeah, I don't like
it either.

Look at your faces, yeah. What about? What
about? I have a question,though. Okay, so this one makes
my skin like, itch a little. Ilike the ground, yum to the
ground. Is there one that's likebeing touched, like the way you
would pet a dog? So that

would probably be a little bit more of
air to it, but it also could befire, so that's the fourth one.
So fire has more of anunexpectedness to it. You can
that's like breaking or likepinching or slapping, but it
could be like a petting, likethat, or that can be considered
grounding. It just kind ofdepends,

okay, because I like that. I like to be a pet
like I'm a dog. Love it,

yes, see, I love it. We're going to support
you, Colette, and knowing thatyou're either you have a young
man,

just treat me like it's older and retriever, yes.

And see, I find that so exciting. I love it
when somebody finds their yucksand yums and and when you're
doing this. So I get like, whenI'm doing this in a group, and
I'll ask everyone hits theirhands up. I mean, seven yuck
hits and yums after we do thefirst one, I'm like, All right,
what did that feel like to ownit? What did it feel like to
hear someone else being doing itdifferently. Let's talk through

(48:42):
that difference. What are you?
Are you embarrassed? Are youtelling yourself you're doing
something wrong, especially whenthe majority of the room is a
Yum, and a couple people arelike, yeah, and they're like,
Oh, really. And I talked about

this example, what if you're the only young Oh,

exactly. And you're like, oh, freak. Or you
start telling you all thesewords to yourself, and then the
next time you're quieter, or youdon't answer, or you wait until
you hear everyone else's it'sjust such an example of how we
are. Are given this right orwrongness to who we are, and we
don't get permission to do this.
So I get so I remember the sixtimes that we were I was doing

(49:19):
air with somebody, and thiswoman was like, it was like, an
I don't like air. And this womanwas like, really, because that's
my number one, and I want to belike, what? And I know not to to
ever act on that or say that outloud. So I was like, Ooh, tell
me more. And the way shedescribed it, I was like, Okay,
I mean, that's not bad, and itwas fascinating to me. One, that

(49:41):
we're we can be so different,and two, that I loved, that I
listening to her reasoning herWhy, that it was a yes for her,
made me interested in it, andmade me curious about it. And
that is, that's. What you'rewanting for yourself. It is
still a still. Could be like ado, and frankly, do. Don't give

(50:04):
me air on my back. Don't do it.
But I like it on my head and andI discovered that. So when you
take touch you you start here.
That's how I like to startpeople. Then you put it to other
areas. You do the four toucheson your head, on your feet, on
your genitals, on your back. Youtry all different places, and
you do it to yourself. Then youdo if you have a partner, you do

(50:25):
it with a partner. I love, Ilove doing it with platonic
relationships. First. I thinkit's fascinating to do that kind
and it's a bit of a sensetherapy. But doing

you, I'm gonna air inspire you. I might want you.

This is a yuck for me. Respect my yuck

German. My last

name is Hauser. I'm German too, I guess
so. So again, like I wouldimagine if I was to have stopped
time and said to you, what didyou think of sensuality? And
that there's just so much to itthat you may be surprised as to
already, you can tell how far wecan go, and that just gave you

(51:15):
just a little bit of whatstarts, and that's just a little
bit of sensuality. And we justdid one of the senses, and look
how much we learned about eachother, about how do we negotiate
and talk and and look at ourdifferences, our similarities.
Imagine if one part of one ofthe nine, nine pillars, imagine,
by the time you get through allof it, you there is, there is no

(51:38):
stone unturned, about about whoyou are as again, so that it
goes back to you just know whoyou are in them. It's

fascinating because I would describe myself
as a sensual person, and I woulddescribe myself as a sensual
person, maybe even more thansexual. And yes, I would say
that. And then that's not evensomething I thought of. What we
just did as as sensual. So it'sso interesting that that's

(52:05):
something I identify and stillthat one little bit of that one
pillar that I already identifiedwith was something totally new
and made me think and stretch.
Yes,

yes, yes.
Love it, yeah. Oh my gosh. So

you have to also make sure you tell us and our
listeners, how can people takeyour course? Because this sounds
fabulous. Oh,

great. Thank you. And I really want, like,
really, what my passion is, isto change the conversation about
sexuality in this way. So evenjust listening to this podcast
or having you all feel excitedand interested in this endeavor.
It feels like that's the valueadd of this, because the ripple
effects of that is enormous. Andthank you for being

(52:52):
practitioners who are in thisspace. I mean, you know, we're
in the trenches together andand, and we have our own lives
that we're trying to live on topof helping other people with
their lives. So I first want tosay that that to you all coming
out, and then next IT people cantake revealed. That's the course

(53:12):
about that this that I'mspeaking about in several
different ways. I have a digitalaspect that is on my website,
and then then the revealed Lifewebsite. There's videos, and
then there's the manual that yougo through the holistic
sexuality. And then I havepeople who are facilitators of
it. So it's revealed. The courseis in eight countries, and it's

(53:36):
spoken in five languages at thispoint. And so you can take it
individually with facilitatorsand myself. You can do it in a
group with the facilitators orwith myself, and then you can
become a facilitator as well andbring it. And I don't require
that. You have to be atherapist. I actually have, I
have different criteria that Isift through in order to become

(53:59):
a facilitator, because I thinkit should be accessible. And I
have everyone from nurses to sexworkers to real estate agents to
accountants that actuallyfacilitate reveal, because I do
think none of us are educated,and it's there. And the way that
I have set up revealed is it isbuilt to be in agency, so it,

(54:20):
even if you're doing it in agroup, it is individually led
and collectively experienced. Sothe facilitators are
facilitating it. They're notthat your expert. They are
helping you find your ownexpertise. It used to be called,
be your own sex bird. I used tocall it that changed it too. I
love

reveal. So tell our listeners your website, and
we'll have it in the show notes,of course, but I want people to
be able to look it up right nowwhile they're hearing you.

Great. Yeah.
So it's Dr dash Juliana with onen.com is my website, and then on
all social medias. Dr, JulianaHouser,

oh my gosh, this and then you have another book
coming out. We're. Me, yes,

I'm so excited. Yes, taken so long. But
the book is called a newposition on sex, a guide to
greater sexual confidence,authenticity and pleasure, and
it's coming out fall 2025 I'm sothrilled about it. We're doing
the book launch strategy now andplanning all the events, and I'm

(55:21):
so excited to bring it out intothe world. And we'll be
launching my graphic that'srelated to the the nine pillars
of sexuality to replace thecircles of sexuality. And

in the book, this will be in the book. Then some
of what we talked about,

all of what we talked about, yeah, pillars,
yeah. And then for those who aretherapists that are listening, I
also have a course and andworkshops that are geared
towards helping therapists learnwhat you need to learn, first
about yourself, and then abouthow to be a holistic sexual

(55:59):
practitioner, because I knowthis is just so hard for it to
be available, and we don't havea lot of time anyway to be
learning new things on top ofit. But since we have to do our
licensure credits, I got thatand have made it so that you can
take these courses. You can eventake revealed and it counts
towards your your licensurecredits, and then do

it. Laura, definitely gonna do it. We're
gonna do it. Great, awesome.

It's wonderful. Thank you. Thank you
all so much for not being afraidof this topic as well to talk
about personally andprofessionally. It's often left
out of the wellnessconversations. It is left out of
our licensure, it's left out ofour education. It's left out of
the conversations. And I get it,it's it is something that is

(56:46):
still a bit taboo. So thank youfor being brave enough to bring
it on to your pocket.

Thank you. Thank you for your work. Yeah, it
makes me feel so hopeful for usas women at midlife, for all our
listeners, whether you're atmidlife or any other stage, just
that this doesn't maybe have tobe so scary or difficult, but
rather, this is about freedomand self connection and

(57:13):
possibility and feeling morealive and having a better
relationship with yourself,whatever that looks like. And I
just think that's a beautifulthing. So this was amazing.

Yes, thanks so much for coming on. And maybe
you'll come

back when your book comes out, too, and we can
have you on again. Go

in a deeper dive into the pillars. So maybe Laura

and I will have taken revealed by that, and
we'll be ready to ask you evenharder stuff than fisting. I
feel reporting back after theweekend, Julian,

you got my cell phone number.

But I think it's great. I think it's great to
have fun, be creative, and justlike, open up some
possibilities, whatever thatlooks like. So thank you for
this wonderful conversation.
Thank

you very much.
Well, we hope you got someinsights from our couch today,
if you like what you heard, andwe hope that you did, don't
forget to subscribe, share witha friend and write a review. It
really helps us get our messageout. Thanks for being here. Bye,
guys. See

you next time.
Bye, you.

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Ep.37: Yucks, Yums, and Yes Please: Discover What Turns You On With Dr. Juliana Hauser

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24/7 News: The Latest

The Joe Rogan Experience

All Episodes

Ep.37: Yucks, Yums, and Yes Please: Discover What Turns You On With Dr. Juliana Hauser

Stuff You Should Know