What happens when you spend your whole life taking care of others, and suddenly realize you’ve lost yourself in the process? In this powerful episode, we sit down with Debbie R. Weiss, bestselling author, entrepreneur, and inspirational speaker, who shares how she spent decades as a family caregiver—first to her father, then to her son with autism, and later to her husband battling mental illness and cancer. At 50, she had an epiphany: if she didn’t start prioritizing herself, she’d keep putting her own life on hold.
Debbie opens up about her journey of shifting from a victim mentality to taking ownership of her life, making small mindset shifts that led to massive transformation. We dive into breaking limiting beliefs, overcoming life’s toughest challenges, and chasing dreams—even when you’re not sure what they are yet. If you’ve ever felt stuck in your circumstances, this conversation will leave you inspired and ready to take action.
Episode Highlights:
[0:02] – Meet Debbie R. Weiss: Author, speaker, and lifelong caregiver.
[2:28] – Becoming a caregiver at 17: navigating life after her father’s stroke.
[5:41] – Running a business while balancing caregiving and family responsibilities.
[9:39] – The devastating moment when her husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer.
[12:12] – Breaking free from the victim mentality and taking responsibility.
[17:43] – The mindset shift that finally led to lasting weight loss.
[24:55] – How small, consistent actions can transform your life.
[31:16] – What Debbie’s life looks like now: embracing new possibilities.
[38:35] – The power of saying yes and how it led her to writing.
[41:22] – Debbie’s best advice for women who feel stuck in their circumstances.
Resources:
Debbie Weiss’s Website: https://www.debbierweiss.com
Make sure to visit the “Resources” page on our website www.insightsfromthecouch.org to download the worksheet and take ways that accompany each episode. This is hugely important as we are now creating a download that is unique to each episode and working hard to create an email list to support our programming offerings moving forward.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Colette Fehr (00:02):
Debbie, welcome to insights from the couch. We have
a great episode for you todaywith Debbie Weiss talking about
how to go after what you wantand make it happen no matter
what your circumstances. Debbieis someone who, as you'll hear
in a minute, had almost everyhardship and tragedy thrown her
(00:23):
way throughout her lifespan, andat 50, she had an epiphany and
decided to start living her lifedifferently, and she's made so
many dreams come true, even theone she didn't know she had. So
we're going to dive right inwith all kinds of questions and
tips for what you can do to makewhat you want happen. And
(00:45):
Debbie, we're so excited to haveyou here. Thank you so much for
joining us. Thank you so muchfor having me and Debbie. I just
want to introduce you a littleto our listeners, because you
have such an interesting biowith more than 60 years of
experience dealing with some oflife's toughest challenges.
You're an expert in chasing yourown dreams in spite of your
(01:06):
circumstances. I love that. Ilove that. And Debbie is the
best selling author of thememoir, on second thought, maybe
I can as well as a co author ofthe Amazon bestseller
collaborative book, heartwhispers. And your book, The
sprinkle effect, a guide toliving a more colorful and
(01:27):
fulfilling life, came out inNovember of 2024
you're also a Canfield certifiedtrainer in the success
principles. You're anentrepreneur running an
insurance agency and your ownonline store, a sprinkle of
hearts and the host of maybe Ican podcast. Debbie is an
(01:47):
inspirational speaker, a familycaregiver and a mother, and she
has overcome her own limitingbeliefs and fears, allowing her
to begin living her best life.
And you have a passion ofhelping and inspiring others to
do the same. So wow, so muchtoday. Thanks.
Debbie R. Weiss (02:08):
When I hear it, I'm thinking, Who are they
talking about that can't be mefirst. When you say 60 years,
I'm like, Oh, no way. But withage comes wisdom, right?
Colette Fehr (02:22):
It's true. It's true. So actually, Debbie, maybe
you could start off by tell us alittle bit about your personal
story. Sure.
Debbie R. Weiss (02:29):
So I became a family caregiver to my dad when
I was 17. He had a massivestroke the day after I graduated
from high school, he had justactually was days from turning
46 he Oh, my god, yeah, crazy,right? You don't think of a 46
year old having a stroke. Youthink of older people having
(02:51):
strokes, and back then, youknow, it was just, I don't know,
we were unaware, unaware thatthat was even a possibility. But
anyway, luckily, he survived. Heactually lived 30 years from
almost to the day that he hadthe stroke, and soon after, my
parents divorced and I became myfather's primary caregiver for
(03:16):
the remainder of his life. Andthat didn't mean that he lived
with me, because he never didlive with me, but I had to
figure out where he was going tolive. I had to start to
understand where his money wascoming from. We didn't have any
money, so anything that he livedon was, you know, Medicare and
(03:36):
Medicaid and getting privatedisability and Social Security,
and like all the things that 20year olds don't have to know,
and you're coordinating allcoordinating, all of this. Now
I, you know, look, my mother wasthere to help me, my aunt, my
father's sister, has always beenthere to help me, but I was the
main person. And, you know, it,it lasted and changed and
(04:02):
morphed into different ways.
And, of course, the last fewyears of his life, the
caregiving got, got prettyintense when my oldest son, I
went through six, six rounds ofin vitro fertilization while I
was, you know, caring for my dadand working full time, and all
the things as so many women now,you know, have to go through. I
(04:24):
was in my mid 30s when I startedtrying to have children, and was
unsuccessful, but luckily, wassuccessful with in vitro. And
when my oldest son was abouttwo, he was diagnosed on the
autism spectrum. And of course,all parents are caregivers, but
when you have a child withspecial needs, it just, you
(04:49):
know, turns 10 X's thecaregiving, and you have to
learn, just like I had to learnall. Those things for my dad.
Now I had to learn a whole newlanguage and therapies and
dealing with school districtsand like you know, really there
should be classes in what youhave to know. When my son was
(05:11):
diagnosed 20 something yearsago, they gave me a pamphlet and
said, Good luck. That was it.
Wow. Again. Now there's so muchmore awareness and and
resources. Thank goodness forthat. Continuing on in my
journey my husband, who actuallyhe and I, worked together in my
(05:32):
insurance agency for over 20years, because you had time for
an insurance Well, you know, Ihad to make money,
Laura Bowman (05:41):
right? But it's your agency. You're not working
in it. It's like your business,
Debbie R. Weiss (05:46):
yes, and and that went through a bunch of
iterations and and challenges aswell, and continues to right,
just like any any business,their ebbs and flows. And so
yes, there were times where Icould be cruising and forever
grateful that I was able to havethis insurance agency, because
(06:09):
it had has afforded me theability to be flexible with my
time, to be there for my dadwhen he needed it, to be there
for my son and my younger son.
You know, in and my husband andI working together, we were
actually able to kind of jobshare when our kids were young,
so that one of us was always atthe office and one was always
(06:30):
home with the boys. So it'sgiven me so so much and and now,
you know, with all I've beendoing lately, if I didn't have
this amazing team of women in myoffice, I could never have
accomplished anything. So I'mforever grateful for the
opportunity and for the peoplewho've supported me there. So my
(06:52):
husband always he had Crohn'sdisease. He was diabetic. He had
a lot of stuff, but it seemedlike after he turned 50, I used
to always joke, like, you, whatdo you have male menopause?
Like, is that a thing? I noticedthat he was changing, and I
didn't really understand it. AndI didn't understand that it had
(07:13):
a name until much later down theline, when my older son, again,
the one who was diagnosed on thespectrum, started being
diagnosed with, you know,clinical depression and
generalized anxiety disorder.
And I started to realize, oh mygoodness, that's what my husband
(07:35):
has, and his anxiety anddepression then started
manifesting in more physicalillness, and one day he walked
out of our office and said, I'mnever coming back here. And he
just kind of left me high anddry in the office. So I even
(08:01):
said, my, all my, all my men inmy life also have ADHD. So there
was, like, stacks of papers,piles of papers in his office. I
didn't know anything like, youknow, I wanted to make sure my
customers were taken care of.
And I said, I'll just bringthese home, and you'll explain
to me what I have to do? Nope,nope. He couldn't talk about it
Laura Bowman (08:24):
like he was he was like, I don't want to do this
exactly,
Debbie R. Weiss (08:28):
exactly. And I thought, Okay, well maybe now
that he's home, like, he'llrelax, he won't be as anxious.
He'll be able to kind offunction at home, because he
wasn't really functioning. Andunfortunately that never
happened, and we've been on, wewere on a real journey with his
(08:48):
mental illness as well as myson's mental illness
simultaneously, which was reallydifficult when it's two people
suffering at the same time.
They're very similar, and thenthey were butting heads all the
time. Eventually, my husband, Iwas able to get him hospitalized
for depression. That was thefirst time that he was ever
hospitalized, and he was only inthere for about a week or 10
(09:11):
days, and they changed his medsand he was released, and he was
like a new person, and we wereall so hopeful, like he was
embracing therapy, which hehadn't really done in the past.
He was like, you know, the starof his group sessions, and it
was, it was great. And six weekslater, he was diagnosed with
(09:33):
terminal blood cancer unrelatedto any of his other issues.
Colette Fehr (09:40):
Oh, my God, oh, yeah, I just,
Debbie R. Weiss (09:43):
I it was just such a cruel turn of events, you
know, to kind of bring him upand have him be so hopeful, you
know, for the first time in in adecade, and then to have this
happen and he survived. Aboutsix months. And honestly, the
(10:04):
journey with his mental illnesswas harder than the physical
illness in those six months. Andso again, for the women in my
office, being there for me, Iwas able to pretty much be home
with him full time, you know,during those six months. And so
the moral of the story, I guess,is that I just became a family
(10:28):
caregiver, always caring forothers my entire life, and never
prioritizing myself and reallyrealizing that I deserve to have
a life too, not saying that Iwouldn't have done what I did,
taking care of everyone else.
But it wasn't until I was about50 that I realized, wow, I am
crashing and burning, and unlessI start paying attention to
(10:52):
myself, I'm not going to be goodfor anyone else. And that's what
I've been doing the last decade,is, you know, tuning into what I
need and trying to build thelife that I want, you know,
while still being there foreveryone else,
Colette Fehr (11:10):
right? And this is why you say right, chasing your
dreams, despite yourcircumstances, your story is
incredible and gives you suchcredibility to be able to talk
to other women and help them,because if you can learn to
focus on you and put energy intoyourself, when you've lost your
husband to this horribleterminal disease, you've had to
(11:33):
raise your son with autism at atime when nobody was helping or
supporting or aware, and youspent 30 years being the primary
coordinator and caregiver toyour father, right? Who knows
better than you that this ispossible no matter what is
happening in our life, there'salways a way. And in fact, we
owe it to ourselves to putenergy into ourselves and take
(11:56):
responsibility for our life. Andin fact, that's one of the
things you say, right, theimportance of taking
responsibility for your life andnot having a victim mentality.
So tell our listeners a littlebit about how you approach that
and how you kind of were able toget there.
Debbie R. Weiss (12:13):
You know, I'm reflecting on that a lot lately,
trying to kind of peel back,because I'm already thinking
about book number three. Andreally want to be able to
articulate what changed, youknow. And I would like to say,
you know, I do describe it as anaha moment, but in reality, it
really wasn't. It was an ahamoment. Now reflecting back, but
(12:36):
it's not like I stood there andall of a sudden, oh, it clicked.
It a late Right? Exactly. I'dlike to say that happened. It
didn't happen. Yeah, I think theimpetus was me turning 50,
something about the number 50for me, really hit home and made
me reflect on, you know, whereI've been and where I'm going.
(13:01):
And I realized, you know, Idon't want to be that person who
gets to the end of their lifelooking back with regret, regret
for what I haven't done. And Ihave to say, I didn't have
anything in particular I wantedto do. I never wanted to be an
(13:21):
author that was about, you know,5000 on my list, never. I didn't
have, you know, some hiddentalent. I'm not a singer, or I
wish I was, but I'm not, youknow, so it wasn't like I had
some dream that I had, you know,been kept down. I didn't know
what it was, but I just knewthat it needed I needed more. I
(13:44):
needed something more formyself, whatever that was. And
one of the things that I Ididn't mention in that whole
long description of myself, isthat I have had a lifelong
weight problem, and it hasreally defined who I am. It gave
me a bunch, pretty much all ofmy limiting beliefs, which at 50
(14:09):
I was still dealing with, butdidn't know and didn't
understand. And so slowly, youknow, I thought to myself, Okay,
something's got to give. At thatpoint, I was at least 100 pounds
overweight, and I, you know, thewhole lifelong diet, up, down,
(14:32):
try everything, all, all ofthat. Oh yeah, you know I'm
familiar with, yeah. So we'veall, many of us know that
journey. So nothing, nothingunusual there. And I used to
think to myself, and this isactually what I've been
reflecting on. Where is thatmagic bullet, right? Where is
that magic pill? When willsomething magically change in my
(14:55):
head that will make this happenfor me? Yeah? Yeah, and I don't
know why. I wish I could say whyI wasn't reading atomic habits
by James clear, I wasn't likenone of the things. It just kind
of, I just did this on my own. Ithought, okay, clearly what I've
tried to do for the last 50years with my weight has not
(15:18):
been successful. So I've got totry something different. And for
me, Weight Watchers has alwaysbeen, you know, the one thing
that is works for me and wasmost realistic. So I said I am
going to go back to WeightWatchers, and the only goal that
I have is attending a meetingonce a week. I don't care what I
eat. I don't care if I exerciselike none of those things. I'm
(15:41):
not tracking my food. If I goevery week, then I have
accomplished my goal. And that'swhat I did. I went every week. I
didn't lose weight, but, youknow, I got into that habit. I
grew to like, you know, thegroup that I was with, and got
to know people, right? So nowyou feel part of something. And
(16:02):
then I added something else,small. I'm going to track my
food only 50% of the time. Theother thing that I did for the
first time in my life, and thiswas really the pivotal change,
was and I was unfamiliar withmindset. I didn't know what I
was doing, but it hit me. Thishit me like a bolt, is that I
(16:25):
would always, in the past, havethat diet mentality. I'm on the
diet. I'm off the diet. Lookingat other people eating, other
women, how come they get to eatthat? Look at what she's eating,
and she's skinny. She's solucky, I realized she's maybe
not, maybe she is lucky, butshe's not eating those kind of
(16:46):
meals. 21 meals a week, right?
Like I might have seen her eatthat meal, but the rest of the
time she's not eating like that.
I also realized and thislifestyle world gets thrown
around, but it wasn't like this,then it was like, This is not a
diet. I'm never going off this.
This is it. This is a lifestyle.
(17:12):
It's not going to end. I don'thave to lose 25 pounds in three
months or by my birthday. Itdoesn't matter how long it
takes, because I'm on this, soto speak, for the rest of my
life, for life, and it was thatrealization and kind of taking
responsibility and saying, Thisis it, and it's not necessarily
(17:34):
bad. And if I eat ice cream,then, you know, I'm not the
worst person that ever walkedthe face of the earth. And it
doesn't mean,
Colette Fehr (17:44):
it doesn't mean getting away from good and bad
exactly,
Debbie R. Weiss (17:48):
and it doesn't mean that because I was quote,
unquote bad now I might as welleat everything under the sun,
because I already blew it. Andit was that that really, that
was it, that was the moment, andthat is the biggest change in my
(18:09):
life, and that because of that,and seeing, well, let me go back
and say so, it probably tookmaybe three years or more to
lose about 90 pounds.
Colette Fehr (18:20):
That's incredible, though, Debbie, incredible,
Laura Bowman (18:23):
super healthy, though, that's the way to
Debbie R. Weiss (18:25):
do it. Thank you. And this is the first time,
so that was probably about sevenor eight years ago, so that was,
this is the first time in mylife that I've ever lost a
significant amount and actuallymaintained it. Yeah, I've gained
back half pounds, you know? ButI let it creep. But I caught it
and pulled the you know, reeledit back in, and now it's, it's
(18:47):
amazing that food doesn't havethe same power over me that it
used to.
Laura Bowman (18:52):
Yeah, this reminds me of, like the work. Do you
know who Elizabeth Benton is?
Are you familiar? Oh my
Debbie R. Weiss (18:57):
gosh, of course, I am. She's actually the
one who, after my diet, she waslike, the next person that she
was the one who introduced meto, oh, what I've been doing is
changing my mindset. I didn'tknow mindset
Laura Bowman (19:11):
I was, you're talking, I'm thinking of her,
and I'm saying this is exactlythe work that she does, which is
mindset, which is like, that youknow that you keep engaged you
don't like every choice is achance that behavior change is
something that we're constantlyengaged in. And like, She's
somebody who has lost well over100 pounds, gotten out of debt,
(19:34):
and so everything in her life islike this mindset of, I mean,
what would you how would youframe
Colette Fehr (19:41):
it? Yeah, of what?
Because I'm still not reallygetting like, how, just
wonderful,
Debbie R. Weiss (19:45):
really. I mean, I think, I think what Laura
said, every choice is a chancelike that, really resonated
Colette Fehr (19:52):
with me, micro, the mic, yeah, because every and
how the micro can build
Debbie R. Weiss (19:56):
exactly every choice is. Kind of like a vote
for who I'm going to be in thefuture, right? Yeah, the things
that I do know, gotcha, gotchais is going to lead to whatever
I want my life to look like,right?
Colette Fehr (20:11):
So, and what I'm hearing from what you're
describing, Debbie, is thataround when you turned 50, you
started to realize you needed topay attention to yourself, and
then, instead of going back tocertain old, tried and true,
limiting belief basedstrategies, like I got a diet,
or, how come other people arelucky and get to do this and
(20:33):
right all the old copingmechanisms and strategies that
hadn't served you, you startedto work on your mindset without
even calling it that, orrealizing and making slow,
incremental change toward theperson you want to become in a
very organic and integrated way.
So these things settled in andactually became the new you,
(20:54):
without pressure on outcomes anddeadlines, right? And then you
set one goal after another. Andlike you said, not even having
read atomic habits, but this isso similar with that, that if we
can make small changes inservice of our goals, we get
there, we look back and we'veclimbed the whole mountain, and
(21:15):
it wasn't even as scary or hardas we thought it was going to be
perfect. It's really powerful.
Laura Bowman (21:22):
Can I ask, though?
Because I'm just dying overhere, like, I, you know, I work
with a lot of women, and I feellike one of the things that
you've dealt with, like, just,let's just take caring for your
father, for example. I can justhear the resentment, the I can't
believe the victim. Talk aboutvictim mentality, like I was
never given a fair shot becauseI was tasked with this. And then
(21:44):
just my luck, I, you know, Ihave this other thing to deal
with. How do, how are youtalking to yourself
Debbie R. Weiss (21:54):
throughout the just like that. So
Laura Bowman (21:58):
I'm thinking like, you know, this is the woman
who's like, been able to, like,be grateful and like rally and
just like be but
Debbie R. Weiss (22:05):
you have, oh, my goodness, in terms of script,
I was such the victim again, noteven realizing what I was doing.
In hindsight, I was always onedge. I was, you know, ready to
explode at a moment's notice, Iwould look always comparing
myself to someone else's life.
They have it so easy. I have toworry about so many different
(22:28):
things. Why me? Poor me, all ofthose things. I had it all. Oh
my gosh. I was I was Queenvictim, and I didn't even know
it, yeah, and, you know, it wasactually Elizabeth Benton
started my whole mindset thing.
(22:51):
And then, you know, once youstart that exploration and start
to understand and really startto take responsibility, I think
that was a defining idea for me,because what I realized was, is
that I was blaming everythingand everyone else for my life.
(23:14):
And yeah, maybe I can't control.
My father had a stroke and myson was, you know, I can't
control there areuncontrollables, but I can
always control how I respond tothose things, and I was not
doing that. And so I was takingno responsibility. I was so busy
pointing fingers instead ofreally looking at myself. And
you know, this isn't what youknow. What is? What's that
(23:39):
saying? You know, if you know,if you put all your problems,
everyone put all their problemsin the hat, you'd still want to
pick yours out. You know, thisis not a contest. I had to stop
saying that this isn't acontest. I might look at my
friend's life and it looks soeasy I don't know what's going
on. And if it is easier, goodfor her, like, who cares? Right?
Colette Fehr (24:00):
Has enough felt to do with you? Nothing but your
Laura Bowman (24:03):
felt sense was like that you had drawn the
shortest draw.
Debbie R. Weiss (24:06):
Oh, yeah, for sure, for sure. For sure, for
sure. And
Laura Bowman (24:11):
how does that change? Like, where does that?
Where in the journey? Like, doesit? Is it 50? Is it after the
death of your husband, when youget enough, just quieter space,
or is it prior to that? It
Debbie R. Weiss (24:23):
was after 50, but it was, you know, after, I
think, the weight loss thing,and seeing how nothing changed,
like Weight Watchers reallydidn't change, right? They
changed their program a littlebit every couple years. But it
wasn't that the only thing thatchanged was how I was
(24:44):
approaching it. And so I think Itook that success and said,
Well, wait a minute, maybe I canapply that to other areas of my
life.
Colette Fehr (24:55):
I agree with that for sure. It's that's a choice.
Yes, yeah. Because, you know,we'll have people as therapists
come in, and you can hear thatsome people, right? Everyone has
the lot they draw. Everyone'sgot struggles. Some definitely
get handed more that are out oftheir control than others. But I
will hear narratives that arevery steeped in victimology and
(25:19):
comparison. And then I'll hearpeople that I think, My God,
what this person's dealing with,and they have a completely
different mindset. I think weall struggle and suffer when
life deals us bad cards, right?
Everyone, nobody is enjoyingthat, but I do think it's a
choice to stay mired and poor meand I should have what other
(25:42):
people have, that you give allyour power away. There's no
action that's possible there ifyou're the victim of
circumstance. Whereas you cansay, this sucks, and exactly,
what am I going to do next?
Exactly?
Debbie R. Weiss (25:56):
And it's empowering, you know, in one
way, when you realize, you lookback and you're like, oh, it's
all me, like, I'm the one whogot me where I am today. But you
know, you got to leave thatbehind, because now thinking,
well, that means that I'm incontrol of everything that
happens ahead of me. And that'sa great, great realization.
Laura Bowman (26:18):
No, the other piece that's so like, and this
is what I'm always trying totell women. And I talk to myself
about this constantly, becauseI'm I'm in the same boat
usually, but it's like, we needthat little bit of evidence,
right? Like, you get just alittle bit of evidence that your
mindset shift, and the wayyou're approaching Weight
Watchers, you're getting alittle win, and then you're
like, oh, and it sparks a biggermindset shift. But we need that
(26:44):
evidence, like without that,take
Colette Fehr (26:49):
any of those steps to create the possibility of
evidence or hang in there withperseverance and grit. You never
get the evidence. You need to bemore motivated toward that new
direction. Definitely
Debbie R. Weiss (26:59):
true. I mean, you know, I'm describing it as
like, Oh, I just did this, andthen, boom, I lost the weight.
Well, no, of course not. Youknow it, it's an ongoing, it's
an ongoing battle. And I couldsay to everybody else, you know,
how's what you're doing workingfor you? That's kind of what I
thought to myself. Well, clearlyI haven't been successful here,
(27:21):
so I might as well, you know,try another way. And then it
gets exciting, because, right,you're learning something new,
you're exploring something, youknow, you gotta kind of go all
in. I think that's what I didthen I was started to listen to
podcasts. I had never listenedto podcasts before. I remember
saying to my friend, it was whenthey weren't that popular. I'm
(27:42):
like, Who are these peopleyou're listening to? I don't
understand. Like, who are they?
Do you know these people? Arethey famous people? Like, are
you just listening to anyone?
And she said, Yeah, you know I Isaid, Well, who do I listen to?
And she said, Well, just startsearching on any topic that
you're interested in. And ofcourse, all I could think of was
weight so I started listening tosome weight loss people. And,
(28:05):
you know, I actually heardElizabeth as a guest on one of
the shows. And then I ditchedthe weight loss and went to her.
And then, but then I kept, Ikept exploring. I think that's
what it is. I kept exploring.
And even when I wasunsuccessful, you know, I might
have had a little bit of asetback and said, Oh, this is
(28:28):
stupid, or, you know, whateveryou tell yourself. But, and then
I just thought, well, let me trya different way. Let me try
something else. And, and for me,I think it was really being open
minded, because my memoir iscalled On second thought, dot,
dot, dot. Maybe I can, and I sayit like that, because I'm
(28:48):
someone who's I'm a scaredy catlike, besides being afraid of
like the dark and spiders andmonsters and all those things, I
have always been afraid to putmyself out there or try
something new, and it could havebeen a little dumb thing that
someone suggested. And I'm goingto use knitting because that
(29:13):
that's something that, you know,why don't you learn to knit? No
knitting. I can't do that. Youknow, that's my initial
reaction. Is always, no, no, I'mnot creative. I always had,
like, a million excuses. And theminute that I learned, well,
wait a second. Dot, dot, dot.
(29:34):
You know, you give yourself aminute and say, well, on second
thought, you know, why not?
Maybe I can do that, and when Istarted doing that, that's when
my life started changing.
Colette Fehr (29:49):
That makes so much sense. Debbie, it's the
willingness to explore and tokeep going, to be flexible, to
not give up and see. Whathappens? Because I love that
you're sharing with everyonethat you didn't know exactly
what you wanted, you didn't knowwhat your dreams were. I relate
to that so much, and had alsoconvinced myself of a lot of
(30:14):
things, like, I don't have anytalents and certain things I
might want aren't possible. Andyou know, you don't always
realize how much what you'retelling yourself is holding you
back. It just feels like thetruth. But when we're willing to
go on a journey and explore andyou're not so dependent on the
outcome, it's just, why not? Whynot try it and see if it leads
(30:38):
to anything, and see how I feelabout it, you might discover
that you're good at somethingyou had no idea. You might
discover you love something thatyou had no idea you were
interested in. And who knows, itcould lead to a career, a hobby,
a new set of friends, a learningexperience, or all of the above.
So I think it's so important forwomen to hear you don't have to
(31:00):
know what your dream is to chaseit. You just have to be willing
to start chasing and getting outthere and taking some action to
explore, and you'll figure itout as you go, because that's
what sounds like, what you didand still doing.
Laura Bowman (31:16):
Yes, what's your life like now? Like, take a take
us into, like, a week in yourlife. So
Debbie R. Weiss (31:25):
boy, my life has changed so much. When I had
that victim mentality, I wouldget up every day, and I don't
want to say dread, because Iwasn't, I wasn't dreading it,
and I still was always kind oflike an upbeat person on the
outside. So it wasn't dread,but, you know, you hit the
ground running on that to dolist, right? I got to do this. I
(31:46):
got to get to work. I, you know,oh my gosh, I look how late I
am. I got to take a shower. Youknow, it was that and, you know,
and then at the end of the day,what you I plopped down on the
couch just watch mindless TVuntil it was time to go to bed
and get up and do it again. Now,every day is different. I don't
(32:08):
know who I'm going to meet,right? And pretty much when I
say meet, it's virtually soyeah, like you guys, I It's that
part is that's one of the bestthings to me, is connecting with
so many amazing people all overthe world, getting to have
conversations like this. I mean,instead of dreading it, I like,
(32:31):
look at my calendar, and I'm soexcited for it. You know, the
day, the day is I just can'twait. There is no dread
involved. And some days, okay,you know, yeah, there's still
that part, right? I still workin my insurance agency, but
because of, like I said earlier,my team, I can be flexible right
(32:55):
now. I'm talking to you fromhome. I was at my office
yesterday. I'll be at my officetomorrow, but even when I'm
there, I'm doing differentthings, you know? Now, I just
finished that book, so now it'sall about promoting the book and
all of that. But I already amlike book number three. What am
I going to do for book numberthree? And thinking to myself, I
have to go. The only way booknumber three is going to happen
(33:18):
is the way the first twohappened, and I have to make it
happen, because it won't justhappen if I say, oh, you know
what? I feel like writing abook, it does take dedication,
but I've done it, I'm gonna doit again, and so that also makes
the day exciting. Now maybe it'sokay. I'm gonna write for an
(33:40):
hour, then I'm gonna go, youknow, do a podcast. Then maybe I
do have to do something withinsurance, like it's just a
whole mishmash of things thatare exciting, truly exciting.
The day is full of possibility.
And I think so many people canrelate to when you feel stuck in
(34:01):
a rut and you feel that heavydread, you know, waking up in
the morning like time to makethe donuts, versus jumping out
of bed and feeling like, what istoday going to bring? I have no
idea, but I can't wait to seewho I'm going to meet, what I'm
going to learn, what newadventure I'm going to have, and
you really created that foryourself. So I wonder if you
(34:23):
could tell us a little bit aboutyour book, The sprinkle effect
that came out in November. Sure,your latest, latest book, and
not your final, not my latest,final book, right? You know, I
hope you don't mind, because Iwant to take a minute, because I
think this is kind of importantin that I never wanted to write
a book, and this whole journeythat I've been on led me to
(34:46):
this, and I have discoveredsomething about myself that I
still am not Uber confident insaying, Oh, I'm a writer. I like
to you know. Yeah, no, I havesome limiting beliefs that I
still have to get over there,you know, over with that, but oh
my gosh, I wrote a book. I wrotetwo books, like I can't even
(35:10):
believe it, and it did onlyhappen because I was open to the
possibility. And so justbacktracking and quickly telling
you this story is that through,you know, the winding road that
my life has taken, I got to apoint where I did want to reach
(35:32):
other women, to let them knowwhat I had learned. But how was
I going to do that? You know,and I wanted to be a speaker,
and that was something else thatI uncovered, because I was
petrified of public speaking,and because I said yes to
something, I discovered that,oh, maybe I kind of like this. I
can't believe it, right? Andthen a book seemed to be the
(35:57):
natural progression. And Ithought, Okay, well, I know
there's something called ghostwriters. Like, who do I hire to
do this? I don't, you know, Idon't have the money to hire
blah, blah, blah. And I heard awoman on a podcast. Podcasts
have been like such an integralpart of my growth, and she
helped first time authors gettheir stories out there. And I
related to her, and so Icontacted her, and I loved her,
(36:18):
and she was launching a coursefor first time authors, weekly
course to, you know, teach youhow to basically write your
book. And so I was all excited,but I was really scared, you
know, was I good enough? What,you know, all the things. And
then my husband got diagnosed,and I was seeing a therapist at
the time, and I said to her,Well, I'm even embarrassed that
(36:42):
I'm even telling you about thiscourse, because I was going to
sign up, but now, obviously, howcan I do this? And she said, I
disagree with you. I think thisis exactly what you need, you
are going to need somethingseparate for yourself. And I
(37:04):
thought, well, I said to her,Well, what if I can't show up
every week, or what if there'shomework and I don't do it? And
what, you know? What if? Whatif? What if? And she said, Who
cares? I was like, wow. Andbecause of that, I joined, she
was 100% right? It really helpedme. It gave me something, even
(37:30):
though writing was super hardand it wasn't like I looked
forward necessarily to thewriting, but it did give me
something, something sodifferent from everything that I
was experiencing in my personallife, and so I made it a
priority every every day I wouldwrite in my calendar when I was
going to write, maybe it was at530 or six in the morning before
(37:53):
my husband got up. Maybe, if myhusband was in the hospital, I
dragged all my stuff to thehospital and set up shop. And
when he was sleeping or went fora test I wrote there, sometimes
it was 10 minutes, sometimes itwas, you know, 40. And when he
died, I was three chapters shyof finishing the book. So, you
know, I just share that because,oh, for so many reasons. And who
(38:17):
would think that at a time, youknow, one of the worst times in
my life, that learning somethingnew would be a good idea. It
just seems counterintuitive, youknow, but it can be the best,
really it was, and it
Colette Fehr (38:35):
was, it really
Debbie R. Weiss (38:36):
was. And so I did discover, hey, I kind of
like this. And so when I wrotemy memoir, I had to make I
learned because I didn't knowthis, I had to make a decision
of, is it a self help book? Isit a memoir? How is it going to
be formatted? And so it's amemoir in that it's like 30 plus
(38:56):
stories of my life that kind oftell a story, hopefully an
inspirational one. And so afterI wrote that, everyone said,
Well, that's great, but what'dyou do? And so that's what the
sprinkle effect is, is that Ihave slowly sprinkled in
(39:17):
different types of what I callrainbow sprinkles into my life.
So a sprinkle of belief, asprinkle of mindset, a sprinkle
of discipline, action,curiosity, joy, you know, about
15 different sprinkles are inthis book. And so in this book,
I, you know, in each sprinkle, Itell you a little story about
(39:39):
how and what that sprinkle meansto me, and then talk about how
you can apply it to your life.
And at the end of every chapter,there are exercises and a
journal prompt. And what I'velearned, and I say a lot in the
book, is you got to do theexercises. Right? Because how
many books I've done it myself,a million times I read something
(40:03):
and then it's like, oh, it tellsyou don't move on to the next
chapter until you do theexercise. I'll be like, oh,
yeah, right. I'm not doing thoseexercises, or I'd read it, and I
just kind of think about it fora second and then move on, like,
almost kind of doing them. Butwhat I've learned is that, you
know, you take the only way thatyou really internalize what
(40:26):
you're learning is to actuallysit down and you know, to me, it
is the pen and paper thing, andthat's when you start
discovering things aboutyourself that you never you
never knew,
Colette Fehr (40:41):
right? You have to really go on a journey with
yourself on the interior. Anddoing those exercises is so key.
The book sounds wonderful, andit really does. So this is kind
of a guide for how people canalso take control of their life,
take responsibility, go afterwhat you want, even if you don't
know what that is before we wrapup. You know, can you just share
(41:06):
like, what would you want toleave a listener with as like,
the best advice if you'restruggling with some hard
circumstances right now andyou're feeling like, yeah, I
will but later, or I just can't,because what would you say to
someone going through somethinglike that? You
Debbie R. Weiss (41:23):
have to start noticing your thoughts, right?
Because I, like you saidearlier, I thought my thoughts
were true. I never thought, Inever thought to question my
thoughts. Like, what do you meanif I think it isn't it so it's
true, right? I was like, Oh, soyou mean, I'm lying to myself
(41:44):
and catching yourself with the Ican't and replacing it with
maybe I can, because, you know,I think, all right, losing
weight was a big, kind ofdaunting thing, even if it's
something small, even if it'ssomething that you'd love to do,
that you you've convincedyourself that you no longer have
time for, or something you knowwhatever, whatever it is that
(42:07):
really lights you up, you canmake it happen. You are really
not busy 24 hours a day. And ifyou are right, you're making
yourself that way that you don'tneed to. What about when we're
scrolling on social media? Whatabout when we're watching TV?
You know, you could really getup 15 minutes earlier. You know,
(42:29):
I used to be that person whotimed it exactly right to, Okay,
I gotta get out the door ateight o'clock. So how late can I
wake up to, you know, brush myteeth, take a shower, get
something you know, no, why wasI doing that to myself? It was a
terrible way to start the day.
Start being honest withyourself. Notice your thoughts
and figure out a strategy. Justdo something, something for you,
(42:54):
whatever it is, five minutes aday and it'll snowball.
Laura Bowman (43:02):
Do you think younger you mired in caregiving,
would have listened to
Debbie R. Weiss (43:06):
you? Now that is such a good question. I think
about that all the time. I thinkto myself, Did this come because
I'm older, you know? And, and,and, how can I how can I tell
the younger me? The same thing,
Laura Bowman (43:25):
yeah makes yes for her.
Debbie R. Weiss (43:27):
I don't know the answer to that. I don't know
I I would like to think yes, butI was also it. Caregiving made
me important. And caregiving, ina way back then, gave me a voice
(43:48):
that I didn't know I had. Andeven though, when I was in it, I
didn't feel that way, but I didknow, looking back, I did
definitely feel like it made meimportant. It made other people
say, Oh my gosh, you're soterrific. I can't believe all
you do for your father. Oh, howdo you do it? You know? And, and
(44:09):
it built me up. I hate to sayit, but it's, it's the truth. So
it's important
Laura Bowman (44:15):
to be honest about it. There's, there's something
in it, right? Yeah,
Colette Fehr (44:20):
almost everything has some kind of secondary gain,
and sometimes we don't see ituntil we're looking back. But
Debbie, you're so inspirational.
Thank you so much. And I'm gonnacheck out your book, and I hope
everyone else will too, thesprinkle effect, it sounds
wonderful. And also your memoirand your upcoming future as yet
written, but sure to bespectacular book. So keep us
(44:44):
posted on all of that too. I
Debbie R. Weiss (44:49):
will. Thank you so so much. This has been a
fantastic, fantastic way tostart my day.
Colette Fehr (44:56):
Likewise, likewise, we've loved having
you. Thank you. Debbie. Great.
Laura Bowman (45:00):
So nice talking to you. I'm glad you're able to
live this chapter of your life.
How? Thank you.
Debbie R. Weiss (45:05):
Yeah, and anyone can, it's not just me.
Yeah.
Laura Bowman (45:10):
We hope you enjoyed this episode, and if you
did, please share with yourfriends and write us a five star
review so we can share ourpodcast with the world, and we
hope today that you got someinsights from our couch. See
Colette Fehr (45:24):
you next time you.
Debbie, welcome to insights from the couch. We have
a great episode for you todaywith Debbie Weiss talking about
how to go after what you wantand make it happen no matter
what your circumstances. Debbieis someone who, as you'll hear
in a minute, had almost everyhardship and tragedy thrown her
(00:23):
way throughout her lifespan, andat 50, she had an epiphany and
decided to start living her lifedifferently, and she's made so
many dreams come true, even theone she didn't know she had. So
we're going to dive right inwith all kinds of questions and
tips for what you can do to makewhat you want happen. And
(00:45):
Debbie, we're so excited to haveyou here. Thank you so much for
joining us. Thank you so muchfor having me and Debbie. I just
want to introduce you a littleto our listeners, because you
have such an interesting biowith more than 60 years of
experience dealing with some oflife's toughest challenges.
You're an expert in chasing yourown dreams in spite of your
(01:06):
circumstances. I love that. Ilove that. And Debbie is the
best selling author of thememoir, on second thought, maybe
I can as well as a co author ofthe Amazon bestseller
collaborative book, heartwhispers. And your book, The
sprinkle effect, a guide toliving a more colorful and
(01:27):
fulfilling life, came out inNovember of 2024
you're also a Canfield certifiedtrainer in the success
principles. You're anentrepreneur running an
insurance agency and your ownonline store, a sprinkle of
hearts and the host of maybe Ican podcast. Debbie is an
(01:47):
inspirational speaker, a familycaregiver and a mother, and she
has overcome her own limitingbeliefs and fears, allowing her
to begin living her best life.
And you have a passion ofhelping and inspiring others to
do the same. So wow, so muchtoday. Thanks.
Debbie R. Weiss (02:08):
When I hear it, I'm thinking, Who are they
talking about that can't be mefirst. When you say 60 years,
I'm like, Oh, no way. But withage comes wisdom, right?
Colette Fehr (02:22):
It's true. It's true. So actually, Debbie, maybe
you could start off by tell us alittle bit about your personal
story. Sure.
Debbie R. Weiss (02:29):
So I became a family caregiver to my dad when
I was 17. He had a massivestroke the day after I graduated
from high school, he had justactually was days from turning
46 he Oh, my god, yeah, crazy,right? You don't think of a 46
year old having a stroke. Youthink of older people having
(02:51):
strokes, and back then, youknow, it was just, I don't know,
we were unaware, unaware thatthat was even a possibility. But
anyway, luckily, he survived. Heactually lived 30 years from
almost to the day that he hadthe stroke, and soon after, my
parents divorced and I became myfather's primary caregiver for
(03:16):
the remainder of his life. Andthat didn't mean that he lived
with me, because he never didlive with me, but I had to
figure out where he was going tolive. I had to start to
understand where his money wascoming from. We didn't have any
money, so anything that he livedon was, you know, Medicare and
(03:36):
Medicaid and getting privatedisability and Social Security,
and like all the things that 20year olds don't have to know,
and you're coordinating allcoordinating, all of this. Now
I, you know, look, my mother wasthere to help me, my aunt, my
father's sister, has always beenthere to help me, but I was the
main person. And, you know, it,it lasted and changed and
(04:02):
morphed into different ways.
And, of course, the last fewyears of his life, the
caregiving got, got prettyintense when my oldest son, I
went through six, six rounds ofin vitro fertilization while I
was, you know, caring for my dadand working full time, and all
the things as so many women now,you know, have to go through. I
(04:24):
was in my mid 30s when I startedtrying to have children, and was
unsuccessful, but luckily, wassuccessful with in vitro. And
when my oldest son was abouttwo, he was diagnosed on the
autism spectrum. And of course,all parents are caregivers, but
when you have a child withspecial needs, it just, you
(04:49):
know, turns 10 X's thecaregiving, and you have to
learn, just like I had to learnall. Those things for my dad.
Now I had to learn a whole newlanguage and therapies and
dealing with school districtsand like you know, really there
should be classes in what youhave to know. When my son was
(05:11):
diagnosed 20 something yearsago, they gave me a pamphlet and
said, Good luck. That was it.
Wow. Again. Now there's so muchmore awareness and and
resources. Thank goodness forthat. Continuing on in my
journey my husband, who actuallyhe and I, worked together in my
(05:32):
insurance agency for over 20years, because you had time for
an insurance Well, you know, Ihad to make money,
Laura Bowman (05:41):
right? But it's your agency. You're not working
in it. It's like your business,
Debbie R. Weiss (05:46):
yes, and and that went through a bunch of
iterations and and challenges aswell, and continues to right,
just like any any business,their ebbs and flows. And so
yes, there were times where Icould be cruising and forever
grateful that I was able to havethis insurance agency, because
(06:09):
it had has afforded me theability to be flexible with my
time, to be there for my dadwhen he needed it, to be there
for my son and my younger son.
You know, in and my husband andI working together, we were
actually able to kind of jobshare when our kids were young,
so that one of us was always atthe office and one was always
(06:30):
home with the boys. So it'sgiven me so so much and and now,
you know, with all I've beendoing lately, if I didn't have
this amazing team of women in myoffice, I could never have
accomplished anything. So I'mforever grateful for the
opportunity and for the peoplewho've supported me there. So my
(06:52):
husband always he had Crohn'sdisease. He was diabetic. He had
a lot of stuff, but it seemedlike after he turned 50, I used
to always joke, like, you, whatdo you have male menopause?
Like, is that a thing? I noticedthat he was changing, and I
didn't really understand it. AndI didn't understand that it had
(07:13):
a name until much later down theline, when my older son, again,
the one who was diagnosed on thespectrum, started being
diagnosed with, you know,clinical depression and
generalized anxiety disorder.
And I started to realize, oh mygoodness, that's what my husband
(07:35):
has, and his anxiety anddepression then started
manifesting in more physicalillness, and one day he walked
out of our office and said, I'mnever coming back here. And he
just kind of left me high anddry in the office. So I even
(08:01):
said, my, all my, all my men inmy life also have ADHD. So there
was, like, stacks of papers,piles of papers in his office. I
didn't know anything like, youknow, I wanted to make sure my
customers were taken care of.
And I said, I'll just bringthese home, and you'll explain
to me what I have to do? Nope,nope. He couldn't talk about it
Laura Bowman (08:24):
like he was he was like, I don't want to do this
exactly,
Debbie R. Weiss (08:28):
exactly. And I thought, Okay, well maybe now
that he's home, like, he'llrelax, he won't be as anxious.
He'll be able to kind offunction at home, because he
wasn't really functioning. Andunfortunately that never
happened, and we've been on, wewere on a real journey with his
(08:48):
mental illness as well as myson's mental illness
simultaneously, which was reallydifficult when it's two people
suffering at the same time.
They're very similar, and thenthey were butting heads all the
time. Eventually, my husband, Iwas able to get him hospitalized
for depression. That was thefirst time that he was ever
hospitalized, and he was only inthere for about a week or 10
(09:11):
days, and they changed his medsand he was released, and he was
like a new person, and we wereall so hopeful, like he was
embracing therapy, which hehadn't really done in the past.
He was like, you know, the starof his group sessions, and it
was, it was great. And six weekslater, he was diagnosed with
(09:33):
terminal blood cancer unrelatedto any of his other issues.
Colette Fehr (09:40):
Oh, my God, oh, yeah, I just,
Debbie R. Weiss (09:43):
I it was just such a cruel turn of events, you
know, to kind of bring him upand have him be so hopeful, you
know, for the first time in in adecade, and then to have this
happen and he survived. Aboutsix months. And honestly, the
(10:04):
journey with his mental illnesswas harder than the physical
illness in those six months. Andso again, for the women in my
office, being there for me, Iwas able to pretty much be home
with him full time, you know,during those six months. And so
the moral of the story, I guess,is that I just became a family
(10:28):
caregiver, always caring forothers my entire life, and never
prioritizing myself and reallyrealizing that I deserve to have
a life too, not saying that Iwouldn't have done what I did,
taking care of everyone else.
But it wasn't until I was about50 that I realized, wow, I am
crashing and burning, and unlessI start paying attention to
(10:52):
myself, I'm not going to be goodfor anyone else. And that's what
I've been doing the last decade,is, you know, tuning into what I
need and trying to build thelife that I want, you know,
while still being there foreveryone else,
Colette Fehr (11:10):
right? And this is why you say right, chasing your
dreams, despite yourcircumstances, your story is
incredible and gives you suchcredibility to be able to talk
to other women and help them,because if you can learn to
focus on you and put energy intoyourself, when you've lost your
husband to this horribleterminal disease, you've had to
(11:33):
raise your son with autism at atime when nobody was helping or
supporting or aware, and youspent 30 years being the primary
coordinator and caregiver toyour father, right? Who knows
better than you that this ispossible no matter what is
happening in our life, there'salways a way. And in fact, we
owe it to ourselves to putenergy into ourselves and take
(11:56):
responsibility for our life. Andin fact, that's one of the
things you say, right, theimportance of taking
responsibility for your life andnot having a victim mentality.
So tell our listeners a littlebit about how you approach that
and how you kind of were able toget there.
Debbie R. Weiss (12:13):
You know, I'm reflecting on that a lot lately,
trying to kind of peel back,because I'm already thinking
about book number three. Andreally want to be able to
articulate what changed, youknow. And I would like to say,
you know, I do describe it as anaha moment, but in reality, it
really wasn't. It was an ahamoment. Now reflecting back, but
(12:36):
it's not like I stood there andall of a sudden, oh, it clicked.
It a late Right? Exactly. I'dlike to say that happened. It
didn't happen. Yeah, I think theimpetus was me turning 50,
something about the number 50for me, really hit home and made
me reflect on, you know, whereI've been and where I'm going.
(13:01):
And I realized, you know, Idon't want to be that person who
gets to the end of their lifelooking back with regret, regret
for what I haven't done. And Ihave to say, I didn't have
anything in particular I wantedto do. I never wanted to be an
(13:21):
author that was about, you know,5000 on my list, never. I didn't
have, you know, some hiddentalent. I'm not a singer, or I
wish I was, but I'm not, youknow, so it wasn't like I had
some dream that I had, you know,been kept down. I didn't know
what it was, but I just knewthat it needed I needed more. I
(13:44):
needed something more formyself, whatever that was. And
one of the things that I Ididn't mention in that whole
long description of myself, isthat I have had a lifelong
weight problem, and it hasreally defined who I am. It gave
me a bunch, pretty much all ofmy limiting beliefs, which at 50
(14:09):
I was still dealing with, butdidn't know and didn't
understand. And so slowly, youknow, I thought to myself, Okay,
something's got to give. At thatpoint, I was at least 100 pounds
overweight, and I, you know, thewhole lifelong diet, up, down,
(14:32):
try everything, all, all ofthat. Oh yeah, you know I'm
familiar with, yeah. So we'veall, many of us know that
journey. So nothing, nothingunusual there. And I used to
think to myself, and this isactually what I've been
reflecting on. Where is thatmagic bullet, right? Where is
that magic pill? When willsomething magically change in my
(14:55):
head that will make this happenfor me? Yeah? Yeah, and I don't
know why. I wish I could say whyI wasn't reading atomic habits
by James clear, I wasn't likenone of the things. It just kind
of, I just did this on my own. Ithought, okay, clearly what I've
tried to do for the last 50years with my weight has not
(15:18):
been successful. So I've got totry something different. And for
me, Weight Watchers has alwaysbeen, you know, the one thing
that is works for me and wasmost realistic. So I said I am
going to go back to WeightWatchers, and the only goal that
I have is attending a meetingonce a week. I don't care what I
eat. I don't care if I exerciselike none of those things. I'm
(15:41):
not tracking my food. If I goevery week, then I have
accomplished my goal. And that'swhat I did. I went every week. I
didn't lose weight, but, youknow, I got into that habit. I
grew to like, you know, thegroup that I was with, and got
to know people, right? So nowyou feel part of something. And
(16:02):
then I added something else,small. I'm going to track my
food only 50% of the time. Theother thing that I did for the
first time in my life, and thiswas really the pivotal change,
was and I was unfamiliar withmindset. I didn't know what I
was doing, but it hit me. Thishit me like a bolt, is that I
(16:25):
would always, in the past, havethat diet mentality. I'm on the
diet. I'm off the diet. Lookingat other people eating, other
women, how come they get to eatthat? Look at what she's eating,
and she's skinny. She's solucky, I realized she's maybe
not, maybe she is lucky, butshe's not eating those kind of
(16:46):
meals. 21 meals a week, right?
Like I might have seen her eatthat meal, but the rest of the
time she's not eating like that.
I also realized and thislifestyle world gets thrown
around, but it wasn't like this,then it was like, This is not a
diet. I'm never going off this.
This is it. This is a lifestyle.
(17:12):
It's not going to end. I don'thave to lose 25 pounds in three
months or by my birthday. Itdoesn't matter how long it
takes, because I'm on this, soto speak, for the rest of my
life, for life, and it was thatrealization and kind of taking
responsibility and saying, Thisis it, and it's not necessarily
(17:34):
bad. And if I eat ice cream,then, you know, I'm not the
worst person that ever walkedthe face of the earth. And it
doesn't mean,
Colette Fehr (17:44):
it doesn't mean getting away from good and bad
exactly,
Debbie R. Weiss (17:48):
and it doesn't mean that because I was quote,
unquote bad now I might as welleat everything under the sun,
because I already blew it. Andit was that that really, that
was it, that was the moment, andthat is the biggest change in my
(18:09):
life, and that because of that,and seeing, well, let me go back
and say so, it probably tookmaybe three years or more to
lose about 90 pounds.
Colette Fehr (18:20):
That's incredible, though, Debbie, incredible,
Laura Bowman (18:23):
super healthy, though, that's the way to
Debbie R. Weiss (18:25):
do it. Thank you. And this is the first time,
so that was probably about sevenor eight years ago, so that was,
this is the first time in mylife that I've ever lost a
significant amount and actuallymaintained it. Yeah, I've gained
back half pounds, you know? ButI let it creep. But I caught it
and pulled the you know, reeledit back in, and now it's, it's
(18:47):
amazing that food doesn't havethe same power over me that it
used to.
Laura Bowman (18:52):
Yeah, this reminds me of, like the work. Do you
know who Elizabeth Benton is?
Are you familiar? Oh my
Debbie R. Weiss (18:57):
gosh, of course, I am. She's actually the
one who, after my diet, she waslike, the next person that she
was the one who introduced meto, oh, what I've been doing is
changing my mindset. I didn'tknow mindset
Laura Bowman (19:11):
I was, you're talking, I'm thinking of her,
and I'm saying this is exactlythe work that she does, which is
mindset, which is like, that youknow that you keep engaged you
don't like every choice is achance that behavior change is
something that we're constantlyengaged in. And like, She's
somebody who has lost well over100 pounds, gotten out of debt,
(19:34):
and so everything in her life islike this mindset of, I mean,
what would you how would youframe
Colette Fehr (19:41):
it? Yeah, of what?
Because I'm still not reallygetting like, how, just
wonderful,
Debbie R. Weiss (19:45):
really. I mean, I think, I think what Laura
said, every choice is a chancelike that, really resonated
Colette Fehr (19:52):
with me, micro, the mic, yeah, because every and
how the micro can build
Debbie R. Weiss (19:56):
exactly every choice is. Kind of like a vote
for who I'm going to be in thefuture, right? Yeah, the things
that I do know, gotcha, gotchais is going to lead to whatever
I want my life to look like,right?
Colette Fehr (20:11):
So, and what I'm hearing from what you're
describing, Debbie, is thataround when you turned 50, you
started to realize you needed topay attention to yourself, and
then, instead of going back tocertain old, tried and true,
limiting belief basedstrategies, like I got a diet,
or, how come other people arelucky and get to do this and
(20:33):
right all the old copingmechanisms and strategies that
hadn't served you, you startedto work on your mindset without
even calling it that, orrealizing and making slow,
incremental change toward theperson you want to become in a
very organic and integrated way.
So these things settled in andactually became the new you,
(20:54):
without pressure on outcomes anddeadlines, right? And then you
set one goal after another. Andlike you said, not even having
read atomic habits, but this isso similar with that, that if we
can make small changes inservice of our goals, we get
there, we look back and we'veclimbed the whole mountain, and
(21:15):
it wasn't even as scary or hardas we thought it was going to be
perfect. It's really powerful.
Laura Bowman (21:22):
Can I ask, though?
Because I'm just dying overhere, like, I, you know, I work
with a lot of women, and I feellike one of the things that
you've dealt with, like, just,let's just take caring for your
father, for example. I can justhear the resentment, the I can't
believe the victim. Talk aboutvictim mentality, like I was
never given a fair shot becauseI was tasked with this. And then
(21:44):
just my luck, I, you know, Ihave this other thing to deal
with. How do, how are youtalking to yourself
Debbie R. Weiss (21:54):
throughout the just like that. So
Laura Bowman (21:58):
I'm thinking like, you know, this is the woman
who's like, been able to, like,be grateful and like rally and
just like be but
Debbie R. Weiss (22:05):
you have, oh, my goodness, in terms of script,
I was such the victim again, noteven realizing what I was doing.
In hindsight, I was always onedge. I was, you know, ready to
explode at a moment's notice, Iwould look always comparing
myself to someone else's life.
They have it so easy. I have toworry about so many different
(22:28):
things. Why me? Poor me, all ofthose things. I had it all. Oh
my gosh. I was I was Queenvictim, and I didn't even know
it, yeah, and, you know, it wasactually Elizabeth Benton
started my whole mindset thing.
(22:51):
And then, you know, once youstart that exploration and start
to understand and really startto take responsibility, I think
that was a defining idea for me,because what I realized was, is
that I was blaming everythingand everyone else for my life.
(23:14):
And yeah, maybe I can't control.
My father had a stroke and myson was, you know, I can't
control there areuncontrollables, but I can
always control how I respond tothose things, and I was not
doing that. And so I was takingno responsibility. I was so busy
pointing fingers instead ofreally looking at myself. And
you know, this isn't what youknow. What is? What's that
(23:39):
saying? You know, if you know,if you put all your problems,
everyone put all their problemsin the hat, you'd still want to
pick yours out. You know, thisis not a contest. I had to stop
saying that this isn't acontest. I might look at my
friend's life and it looks soeasy I don't know what's going
on. And if it is easier, goodfor her, like, who cares? Right?
Colette Fehr (24:00):
Has enough felt to do with you? Nothing but your
Laura Bowman (24:03):
felt sense was like that you had drawn the
shortest draw.
Debbie R. Weiss (24:06):
Oh, yeah, for sure, for sure. For sure, for
sure. And
Laura Bowman (24:11):
how does that change? Like, where does that?
Where in the journey? Like, doesit? Is it 50? Is it after the
death of your husband, when youget enough, just quieter space,
or is it prior to that? It
Debbie R. Weiss (24:23):
was after 50, but it was, you know, after, I
think, the weight loss thing,and seeing how nothing changed,
like Weight Watchers reallydidn't change, right? They
changed their program a littlebit every couple years. But it
wasn't that the only thing thatchanged was how I was
(24:44):
approaching it. And so I think Itook that success and said,
Well, wait a minute, maybe I canapply that to other areas of my
life.
Colette Fehr (24:55):
I agree with that for sure. It's that's a choice.
Yes, yeah. Because, you know,we'll have people as therapists
come in, and you can hear thatsome people, right? Everyone has
the lot they draw. Everyone'sgot struggles. Some definitely
get handed more that are out oftheir control than others. But I
will hear narratives that arevery steeped in victimology and
(25:19):
comparison. And then I'll hearpeople that I think, My God,
what this person's dealing with,and they have a completely
different mindset. I think weall struggle and suffer when
life deals us bad cards, right?
Everyone, nobody is enjoyingthat, but I do think it's a
choice to stay mired and poor meand I should have what other
(25:42):
people have, that you give allyour power away. There's no
action that's possible there ifyou're the victim of
circumstance. Whereas you cansay, this sucks, and exactly,
what am I going to do next?
Exactly?
Debbie R. Weiss (25:56):
And it's empowering, you know, in one
way, when you realize, you lookback and you're like, oh, it's
all me, like, I'm the one whogot me where I am today. But you
know, you got to leave thatbehind, because now thinking,
well, that means that I'm incontrol of everything that
happens ahead of me. And that'sa great, great realization.
Laura Bowman (26:18):
No, the other piece that's so like, and this
is what I'm always trying totell women. And I talk to myself
about this constantly, becauseI'm I'm in the same boat
usually, but it's like, we needthat little bit of evidence,
right? Like, you get just alittle bit of evidence that your
mindset shift, and the wayyou're approaching Weight
Watchers, you're getting alittle win, and then you're
like, oh, and it sparks a biggermindset shift. But we need that
(26:44):
evidence, like without that,take
Colette Fehr (26:49):
any of those steps to create the possibility of
evidence or hang in there withperseverance and grit. You never
get the evidence. You need to bemore motivated toward that new
direction. Definitely
Debbie R. Weiss (26:59):
true. I mean, you know, I'm describing it as
like, Oh, I just did this, andthen, boom, I lost the weight.
Well, no, of course not. Youknow it, it's an ongoing, it's
an ongoing battle. And I couldsay to everybody else, you know,
how's what you're doing workingfor you? That's kind of what I
thought to myself. Well, clearlyI haven't been successful here,
(27:21):
so I might as well, you know,try another way. And then it
gets exciting, because, right,you're learning something new,
you're exploring something, youknow, you gotta kind of go all
in. I think that's what I didthen I was started to listen to
podcasts. I had never listenedto podcasts before. I remember
saying to my friend, it was whenthey weren't that popular. I'm
(27:42):
like, Who are these peopleyou're listening to? I don't
understand. Like, who are they?
Do you know these people? Arethey famous people? Like, are
you just listening to anyone?
And she said, Yeah, you know I Isaid, Well, who do I listen to?
And she said, Well, just startsearching on any topic that
you're interested in. And ofcourse, all I could think of was
weight so I started listening tosome weight loss people. And,
(28:05):
you know, I actually heardElizabeth as a guest on one of
the shows. And then I ditchedthe weight loss and went to her.
And then, but then I kept, Ikept exploring. I think that's
what it is. I kept exploring.
And even when I wasunsuccessful, you know, I might
have had a little bit of asetback and said, Oh, this is
(28:28):
stupid, or, you know, whateveryou tell yourself. But, and then
I just thought, well, let me trya different way. Let me try
something else. And, and for me,I think it was really being open
minded, because my memoir iscalled On second thought, dot,
dot, dot. Maybe I can, and I sayit like that, because I'm
(28:48):
someone who's I'm a scaredy catlike, besides being afraid of
like the dark and spiders andmonsters and all those things, I
have always been afraid to putmyself out there or try
something new, and it could havebeen a little dumb thing that
someone suggested. And I'm goingto use knitting because that
(29:13):
that's something that, you know,why don't you learn to knit? No
knitting. I can't do that. Youknow, that's my initial
reaction. Is always, no, no, I'mnot creative. I always had,
like, a million excuses. And theminute that I learned, well,
wait a second. Dot, dot, dot.
(29:34):
You know, you give yourself aminute and say, well, on second
thought, you know, why not?
Maybe I can do that, and when Istarted doing that, that's when
my life started changing.
Colette Fehr (29:49):
That makes so much sense. Debbie, it's the
willingness to explore and tokeep going, to be flexible, to
not give up and see. Whathappens? Because I love that
you're sharing with everyonethat you didn't know exactly
what you wanted, you didn't knowwhat your dreams were. I relate
to that so much, and had alsoconvinced myself of a lot of
(30:14):
things, like, I don't have anytalents and certain things I
might want aren't possible. Andyou know, you don't always
realize how much what you'retelling yourself is holding you
back. It just feels like thetruth. But when we're willing to
go on a journey and explore andyou're not so dependent on the
outcome, it's just, why not? Whynot try it and see if it leads
(30:38):
to anything, and see how I feelabout it, you might discover
that you're good at somethingyou had no idea. You might
discover you love something thatyou had no idea you were
interested in. And who knows, itcould lead to a career, a hobby,
a new set of friends, a learningexperience, or all of the above.
So I think it's so important forwomen to hear you don't have to
(31:00):
know what your dream is to chaseit. You just have to be willing
to start chasing and getting outthere and taking some action to
explore, and you'll figure itout as you go, because that's
what sounds like, what you didand still doing.
Laura Bowman (31:16):
Yes, what's your life like now? Like, take a take
us into, like, a week in yourlife. So
Debbie R. Weiss (31:25):
boy, my life has changed so much. When I had
that victim mentality, I wouldget up every day, and I don't
want to say dread, because Iwasn't, I wasn't dreading it,
and I still was always kind oflike an upbeat person on the
outside. So it wasn't dread,but, you know, you hit the
ground running on that to dolist, right? I got to do this. I
(31:46):
got to get to work. I, you know,oh my gosh, I look how late I
am. I got to take a shower. Youknow, it was that and, you know,
and then at the end of the day,what you I plopped down on the
couch just watch mindless TVuntil it was time to go to bed
and get up and do it again. Now,every day is different. I don't
(32:08):
know who I'm going to meet,right? And pretty much when I
say meet, it's virtually soyeah, like you guys, I It's that
part is that's one of the bestthings to me, is connecting with
so many amazing people all overthe world, getting to have
conversations like this. I mean,instead of dreading it, I like,
(32:31):
look at my calendar, and I'm soexcited for it. You know, the
day, the day is I just can'twait. There is no dread
involved. And some days, okay,you know, yeah, there's still
that part, right? I still workin my insurance agency, but
because of, like I said earlier,my team, I can be flexible right
(32:55):
now. I'm talking to you fromhome. I was at my office
yesterday. I'll be at my officetomorrow, but even when I'm
there, I'm doing differentthings, you know? Now, I just
finished that book, so now it'sall about promoting the book and
all of that. But I already amlike book number three. What am
I going to do for book numberthree? And thinking to myself, I
have to go. The only way booknumber three is going to happen
(33:18):
is the way the first twohappened, and I have to make it
happen, because it won't justhappen if I say, oh, you know
what? I feel like writing abook, it does take dedication,
but I've done it, I'm gonna doit again, and so that also makes
the day exciting. Now maybe it'sokay. I'm gonna write for an
(33:40):
hour, then I'm gonna go, youknow, do a podcast. Then maybe I
do have to do something withinsurance, like it's just a
whole mishmash of things thatare exciting, truly exciting.
The day is full of possibility.
And I think so many people canrelate to when you feel stuck in
(34:01):
a rut and you feel that heavydread, you know, waking up in
the morning like time to makethe donuts, versus jumping out
of bed and feeling like, what istoday going to bring? I have no
idea, but I can't wait to seewho I'm going to meet, what I'm
going to learn, what newadventure I'm going to have, and
you really created that foryourself. So I wonder if you
(34:23):
could tell us a little bit aboutyour book, The sprinkle effect
that came out in November. Sure,your latest, latest book, and
not your final, not my latest,final book, right? You know, I
hope you don't mind, because Iwant to take a minute, because I
think this is kind of importantin that I never wanted to write
a book, and this whole journeythat I've been on led me to
(34:46):
this, and I have discoveredsomething about myself that I
still am not Uber confident insaying, Oh, I'm a writer. I like
to you know. Yeah, no, I havesome limiting beliefs that I
still have to get over there,you know, over with that, but oh
my gosh, I wrote a book. I wrotetwo books, like I can't even
(35:10):
believe it, and it did onlyhappen because I was open to the
possibility. And so justbacktracking and quickly telling
you this story is that through,you know, the winding road that
my life has taken, I got to apoint where I did want to reach
(35:32):
other women, to let them knowwhat I had learned. But how was
I going to do that? You know,and I wanted to be a speaker,
and that was something else thatI uncovered, because I was
petrified of public speaking,and because I said yes to
something, I discovered that,oh, maybe I kind of like this. I
can't believe it, right? Andthen a book seemed to be the
(35:57):
natural progression. And Ithought, Okay, well, I know
there's something called ghostwriters. Like, who do I hire to
do this? I don't, you know, Idon't have the money to hire
blah, blah, blah. And I heard awoman on a podcast. Podcasts
have been like such an integralpart of my growth, and she
helped first time authors gettheir stories out there. And I
related to her, and so Icontacted her, and I loved her,
(36:18):
and she was launching a coursefor first time authors, weekly
course to, you know, teach youhow to basically write your
book. And so I was all excited,but I was really scared, you
know, was I good enough? What,you know, all the things. And
then my husband got diagnosed,and I was seeing a therapist at
the time, and I said to her,Well, I'm even embarrassed that
(36:42):
I'm even telling you about thiscourse, because I was going to
sign up, but now, obviously, howcan I do this? And she said, I
disagree with you. I think thisis exactly what you need, you
are going to need somethingseparate for yourself. And I
(37:04):
thought, well, I said to her,Well, what if I can't show up
every week, or what if there'shomework and I don't do it? And
what, you know? What if? Whatif? What if? And she said, Who
cares? I was like, wow. Andbecause of that, I joined, she
was 100% right? It really helpedme. It gave me something, even
(37:30):
though writing was super hardand it wasn't like I looked
forward necessarily to thewriting, but it did give me
something, something sodifferent from everything that I
was experiencing in my personallife, and so I made it a
priority every every day I wouldwrite in my calendar when I was
going to write, maybe it was at530 or six in the morning before
(37:53):
my husband got up. Maybe, if myhusband was in the hospital, I
dragged all my stuff to thehospital and set up shop. And
when he was sleeping or went fora test I wrote there, sometimes
it was 10 minutes, sometimes itwas, you know, 40. And when he
died, I was three chapters shyof finishing the book. So, you
know, I just share that because,oh, for so many reasons. And who
(38:17):
would think that at a time, youknow, one of the worst times in
my life, that learning somethingnew would be a good idea. It
just seems counterintuitive, youknow, but it can be the best,
really it was, and it
Colette Fehr (38:35):
was, it really
Debbie R. Weiss (38:36):
was. And so I did discover, hey, I kind of
like this. And so when I wrotemy memoir, I had to make I
learned because I didn't knowthis, I had to make a decision
of, is it a self help book? Isit a memoir? How is it going to
be formatted? And so it's amemoir in that it's like 30 plus
(38:56):
stories of my life that kind oftell a story, hopefully an
inspirational one. And so afterI wrote that, everyone said,
Well, that's great, but what'dyou do? And so that's what the
sprinkle effect is, is that Ihave slowly sprinkled in
(39:17):
different types of what I callrainbow sprinkles into my life.
So a sprinkle of belief, asprinkle of mindset, a sprinkle
of discipline, action,curiosity, joy, you know, about
15 different sprinkles are inthis book. And so in this book,
I, you know, in each sprinkle, Itell you a little story about
(39:39):
how and what that sprinkle meansto me, and then talk about how
you can apply it to your life.
And at the end of every chapter,there are exercises and a
journal prompt. And what I'velearned, and I say a lot in the
book, is you got to do theexercises. Right? Because how
many books I've done it myself,a million times I read something
(40:03):
and then it's like, oh, it tellsyou don't move on to the next
chapter until you do theexercise. I'll be like, oh,
yeah, right. I'm not doing thoseexercises, or I'd read it, and I
just kind of think about it fora second and then move on, like,
almost kind of doing them. Butwhat I've learned is that, you
know, you take the only way thatyou really internalize what
(40:26):
you're learning is to actuallysit down and you know, to me, it
is the pen and paper thing, andthat's when you start
discovering things aboutyourself that you never you
never knew,
Colette Fehr (40:41):
right? You have to really go on a journey with
yourself on the interior. Anddoing those exercises is so key.
The book sounds wonderful, andit really does. So this is kind
of a guide for how people canalso take control of their life,
take responsibility, go afterwhat you want, even if you don't
know what that is before we wrapup. You know, can you just share
(41:06):
like, what would you want toleave a listener with as like,
the best advice if you'restruggling with some hard
circumstances right now andyou're feeling like, yeah, I
will but later, or I just can't,because what would you say to
someone going through somethinglike that? You
Debbie R. Weiss (41:23):
have to start noticing your thoughts, right?
Because I, like you saidearlier, I thought my thoughts
were true. I never thought, Inever thought to question my
thoughts. Like, what do you meanif I think it isn't it so it's
true, right? I was like, Oh, soyou mean, I'm lying to myself
(41:44):
and catching yourself with the Ican't and replacing it with
maybe I can, because, you know,I think, all right, losing
weight was a big, kind ofdaunting thing, even if it's
something small, even if it'ssomething that you'd love to do,
that you you've convincedyourself that you no longer have
time for, or something you knowwhatever, whatever it is that
(42:07):
really lights you up, you canmake it happen. You are really
not busy 24 hours a day. And ifyou are right, you're making
yourself that way that you don'tneed to. What about when we're
scrolling on social media? Whatabout when we're watching TV?
You know, you could really getup 15 minutes earlier. You know,
(42:29):
I used to be that person whotimed it exactly right to, Okay,
I gotta get out the door ateight o'clock. So how late can I
wake up to, you know, brush myteeth, take a shower, get
something you know, no, why wasI doing that to myself? It was a
terrible way to start the day.
Start being honest withyourself. Notice your thoughts
and figure out a strategy. Justdo something, something for you,
(42:54):
whatever it is, five minutes aday and it'll snowball.
Laura Bowman (43:02):
Do you think younger you mired in caregiving,
would have listened to
Debbie R. Weiss (43:06):
you? Now that is such a good question. I think
about that all the time. I thinkto myself, Did this come because
I'm older, you know? And, and,and, how can I how can I tell
the younger me? The same thing,
Laura Bowman (43:25):
yeah makes yes for her.
Debbie R. Weiss (43:27):
I don't know the answer to that. I don't know
I I would like to think yes, butI was also it. Caregiving made
me important. And caregiving, ina way back then, gave me a voice
(43:48):
that I didn't know I had. Andeven though, when I was in it, I
didn't feel that way, but I didknow, looking back, I did
definitely feel like it made meimportant. It made other people
say, Oh my gosh, you're soterrific. I can't believe all
you do for your father. Oh, howdo you do it? You know? And, and
(44:09):
it built me up. I hate to sayit, but it's, it's the truth. So
it's important
Laura Bowman (44:15):
to be honest about it. There's, there's something
in it, right? Yeah,
Colette Fehr (44:20):
almost everything has some kind of secondary gain,
and sometimes we don't see ituntil we're looking back. But
Debbie, you're so inspirational.
Thank you so much. And I'm gonnacheck out your book, and I hope
everyone else will too, thesprinkle effect, it sounds
wonderful. And also your memoirand your upcoming future as yet
written, but sure to bespectacular book. So keep us
(44:44):
posted on all of that too. I
Debbie R. Weiss (44:49):
will. Thank you so so much. This has been a
fantastic, fantastic way tostart my day.
Colette Fehr (44:56):
Likewise, likewise, we've loved having
you. Thank you. Debbie. Great.
Laura Bowman (45:00):
So nice talking to you. I'm glad you're able to
live this chapter of your life.
How? Thank you.
Debbie R. Weiss (45:05):
Yeah, and anyone can, it's not just me.
Yeah.
Laura Bowman (45:10):
We hope you enjoyed this episode, and if you
did, please share with yourfriends and write us a five star
review so we can share ourpodcast with the world, and we
hope today that you got someinsights from our couch. See
Colette Fehr (45:24):
you next time you.
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