June 25, 2025 • 33 mins
Hey everyone—We’re diving into a topic that gets tossed around a lot but rarely unpacked in a way that actually matters: self-care. If you’ve ever felt confused or overwhelmed by what self-care really is (and isn’t), this is for you. In this episode, we unpack the myths, call out the cultural noise, and get real about what it truly means to care for yourself, especially during midlife.
We talk about the difference between real self-care and the performative kind, and how embodying your values, setting boundaries, and nurturing self-compassion can actually refill your tank. We’re sharing personal practices, therapeutic insights, and a whole lot of laughter as we redefine what it means to be replenished. It’s not spa days and wine nights (though, we won’t judge if you enjoy those too!). Get ready to reframe self-care in a way that truly supports the life you’re trying to build.
Episode Highlights:
[0:02] - Welcome back + intro to real self-care vs. cultural hype.
[1:13] - Why “self-care” can feel like a loaded or empty word.
[2:06] - Breaking down faux self-care and the influence of marketing.
[4:28] - The truth about performing femininity and hustle culture.
[7:45] - Defining escapism vs. true replenishment.
[10:40] - Tuning into your inner needs and building self-awareness.
[12:44] - Real self-care is simple: boundaries, balance, connection.
[14:59] - The power of self-compassion and Kristen Neff’s work.
[18:41] - Our own self-care routines and mindsets.
[24:17] - The role of creativity and play in replenishment.
[29:22] - Why unstructured time is essential.
[30:27] - Struggles with attention and learning to do one thing at a time.
[31:06] - Rediscovering the joy and nourishment of reading.
[32:24] - Final reflections + practical takeaways.
Resources:
Midlife Master Class Waitlist: insightsfromthecouch.org
Kristen Neff’s Self-Compassion Work: self-compassion.org
Make sure to visit the “Resources” page on our website www.insightsfromthecouch.org to download the worksheet and take ways that accompany each episode. This is hugely important as we are now creating a download that is unique to each episode and working hard to create an email list to support our programming offerings moving forward.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Colette Fehr (00:02):
Laura, welcome back to insights from the couch.
Hi everyone. Laura and I arehere for another great episode
today. We love this one astherapists, and I think you're
going to love it too. We'regoing to be talking about self
care. Self Care is an insidejob. It's not what you think.
Even if you think you know whatit is, it's probably not what
you think. So we're going to getinto what it's not what it is,
(00:26):
and how to have a self carepractice that really serves you
so you can live your best lifeat midlife. And along those
lines, we also have justlaunched the midlife master
class. We've been doing thiswith women in person here
locally in Orlando, but we'rebringing this online so we can
bring the group to women allover the world. This is really
(00:48):
about leveling up and thrivingat midlife. So again, you can
live your best life. And we'regoing to cover all the things
that we talk about here on thepodcast, many of the things in
this midlife master class. So ifyou're interested in that, check
out our website, insights fromthe couch.org, and join the wait
list if you'd like to work withus. So let's dig into the meat
(01:09):
of the episode, though, selfcare. Laura, I'll let you have
the first
Laura Bowman (01:13):
word. Well, I kind of hate the word self care. It's
like one of these words in ourculture that I feel like Oprah
brought this about back in thelake late 90s, and I remember
women standing up being like, Ifeel so guilty if I focus on
myself. Yeah, and and it we'vecome a long way from that. I
think people understand, atleast intellectually, that they
(01:37):
need to put energy back intothemselves. But now the word
self care has become very, Idon't know, like overused,
signifying nothing, everything'san act of self care, right? And
I mean I including
Colette Fehr (01:55):
consuming alcohol, right? Like Wine, wine, T shirts
and whatever, which is aneurotoxin and obviously is not
caring for yourself.
Laura Bowman (02:06):
Yeah. And I think there's a big difference between
real self care and faux selfcare, so maybe we need to start
there.
Colette Fehr (02:13):
All right, let's get into what's not self care
and faux self care. And alongthe lines, I love how I don't
know how to pronounce her lastname, Dr puja, who wrote the
book self care. Yeah, she soshe's a psychiatrist, and really
has a framework for these fourprinciples of self care that we
can talk about a little bitmore. But I love how she says
(02:37):
Fauci is usually. It's somethingthat comes from the outside.
It's something we're told to dothat we should be doing. So
obviously, this is constructedby society so that people can
sell things, their products,their spa experiences, their
vacations, their injections,their right self care is Botox
(03:02):
and a day at the spa. So I'm notsaying that those things might
not make you feel good, but thatis not what self care is. Is
that may be upkeep, if somethinglike that is important to you.
But puja also talks about thefact that self care is usually a
noun, right? It's a thing. It'sa thing that you're supposed to
(03:24):
do to check the box, and we'rehere to say it's not a manicure.
Self care is something thatcomes from inside of you, and
it's about the way you seeyourself, the way you connect to
your internal power, the way youdefine your values, the way you
talk to yourself, and along thelines of what kind of nouns or
(03:47):
verbs you engage in that mightmake you feel better, those
things come from having a selfcaring relationship with
yourself so that you can knowWhat you need when, and give
yourself that so let's reallytalk about it, because it's
going to be unique to everyone.
What self care to me isn't goingto be self care to you. And I
(04:09):
think though, people have tounderstand that if you're not
giving yourself permission, andyou're not attuned to yourself
and you're not kind to yourself,it's going to be very difficult
to come up with a self careregimen that that makes sense
and that sticks.
Laura Bowman (04:28):
Yeah. I mean, I agree with so much about what
you just said. I think that,like, the top down method is
what women get into. And, like,really, I was listening to some
podcasts where it says it'sreally normal for women to spend
like, 10% plus of their incomeon upkeep, or what she calls
performing femininity, which Iknow is important to a lot of
(04:50):
women, right? But it's also alittle bit of a cultural hose
job. Oh, totally, where it'slike, I've got to go get, you
know, my eyebrows done, and my,you know, my. Botox or whatever,
and the top down approaches are,like, really the least of it,
it's the bottom up stuff thatyou're talking about, about
having boundaries, the way youtalk to yourself. I think
(05:13):
embodiment is such a huge pieceof it, like anything that gets
to being really embodied, whereyou can really rest, which I
think women are. I'll speak formyself. I can be terrible at I
think so many of us are caughtin the like culture of busyness,
right? I can run around my housein circles all day, but to rest
(05:38):
is very hard sometimes, and Ithink that, like a lot of women,
can't even get on thatfrequency.
Colette Fehr (05:44):
Oh, I agree. And we still have hustle culture. We
still deify the busiest, mostachievement oriented person,
whether we admit it or not, evenwhen we reject that concept
intellectually, there's stillsomething to that. Plus, let's
be clear here, we're not sayingdon't do any upkeep or that
(06:05):
that's bullshit. You know, I'mvain to a degree, like I go sit
in that stupid chair and dye myhair and get these nails done.
Honestly, I hate it. I don'tlike beautifying things, but I
want the results of it so thosethings aren't bad. If they make
you feel good, it's just that'snot really what self care is.
(06:27):
And also, we need to be honestabout the fact that, to your
point, those are societallycontrived notions about how
women should look. That for somany of us, even when we say,
Oh, I don't care about men ifyou're heterosexual, or women,
if you're not, or whatever elseyou're into, whoever, whatever,
whoever you want to like, desireyou sexually. I don't care about
(06:49):
that. I'm doing it for me, yesand yes. And we also as women,
have absorbed and internalizedsociety's expectations of how
women should look so greatlythat we can't even separate the
two. I mean, shaving your legs,for example, I'm disgusted when
I don't shave my legs. It makesme feel dirty and gross, no
(07:12):
shame. Yeah, construction,right, that's a construction
Exactly. Women have hair undertheir arms and legs, and I'm not
willing to grow that hair. Kudosto you if you are. But that's
something I believe is about howI feel about myself, but it's
still been imposed on me. Soanother piece of what it's not
though, is it's not escapism.
Let's not confuse it withupkeep, and let's not confuse it
(07:36):
with escapism. Again, it doesn'tmean there's no value to
escapism, or that
Laura Bowman (07:45):
define escapism.
Okay, let's define all thethings that go. Are you ready?
Colette Fehr (07:49):
Because I have a PhD in escapism, so hang on. I
can, I can rattle this off. So,drinking, drugs, food,
vacations, shopping, attentionfrom people that you want to
find you sexually attractive,you know, anything,
Laura Bowman (08:10):
teaching TV,
Colette Fehr (08:12):
scrolling on the phone, scrolling exactly
Laura Bowman (08:16):
I have, you know, was arguing with my daughter
about this because we're kind ofarguing about the concept of,
like, cognitive offloading. Iguess she learned this in
school. Was this term aboutwhere it's like you a lot of
people play video games, or theydo something, or she was doing
like a Color by Number on heriPad, and it's a soothing
(08:37):
technique. But I don't think itquite hits that level of like
replenishment, that like good,real self care. So there's
something like, verydistinguishable between these,
Colette Fehr (08:51):
right, what you're getting out of it. And again, I
think to the point of escapismand cognitive offloading and
replenishment, there issomething to, you know, a
balanced life. I believe we doneed some of these other pieces.
I don't feel bad that there maybe a Saturday that when I could
be out doing 10,000 things, Iwant to binge watch sirens, even
(09:16):
though it's not even that good.
And whatever I just gave I justlost five other conversations.
Yeah, I just lost five hours ofmy life. But it could even
arguably be part of self care,if I'm connected to myself, to
say that day, you know, what Ireally need today is to not
think is to be entertained andjust lose myself. Now, if I'm
spending all day, every day,avoiding life, escaping life and
(09:39):
on a television screen thatisn't really giving anything
back. That's another thing. Butjust to understand that those
activities, in and ofthemselves, don't bring
replenishment. They bring a wayto check out it's a little
dissociative. Get us out of ourheads. And there is a time and a
place for that, but I think itdoes all come down to your
(10:04):
relationship with yourself, howconnected you are to yourself.
So you know what you need, whenyou need it, giving permission
to yourself to do what you needwhen you need it, and then the
way you talk to yourself andnarrate those things, letting go
of guilt, having really goodboundaries and being kind to
(10:25):
yourself and your internaldialog. I mean, you know, you
see the same thing I see intherapy. People talk to
themselves like they're piecesof shit, yeah, and yeah, it's
Laura Bowman (10:40):
knowing how to, like, dial up and dial down
based on where you're at in yourlife. Like, knowing when you
need a moment of cognitiveoffloading, knowing when you
need a moment of connection,knowing where you are in your
own life that, like, Can youhandle watching the news? Like,
do you even have the space forthat? Do you have the space for,
like, your family shit, right?
And a phone call with your yourmom or your sister or whoever,
(11:04):
yep. Like, if that's a no,that's something that self you,
it's like you're constantly inconversation with yourself, yes,
yes. Like, where am I at andwhat do I need next
Colette Fehr (11:16):
Exactly? And you know what's happened? And then
let's get into like, what it isand how we're doing this, and
how I see it, at least. And thenI want to hear how you see it,
but I think what's happened withthe way the term self care has
changed, and I love you pointingto Oprah, because she's probably
(11:37):
responsible for almosteverything, and modern pop, not
pop culture, but you know, selfhelp, self care culture, yes,
and the whole self help movementkind of started, yeah. But I
think what's happened is thatbecause women have historically
felt that they were selfish ifthey thought about themselves at
all, and now that all thesecommercial products and
(11:59):
activities have seized on selfcare as a way to sell products
and goods. What's happened isthat women, in order to almost
justify, it's like, oh, selfcare, right? I'm doing this. I'm
going to spend 10 grand, youknow, on a weekend self care,
right? And we don't need that.
We don't need to justify selfcare. And you go on the weekend,
spend 10k spend a million if youhave it, do whatever the fuck
(12:23):
you want to do. Okay? But let'salso make sure real self care is
happening, because otherwise youcan spend all the money, go to
all the spas, do all the things,and still feel a bottomless pit
of emptiness and emotionalexhaustion inside of you if
you're not doing the things thatreally matter.
Laura Bowman (12:45):
Yeah, self care is really simple. It's really
elegant. It's not complicated.
You shouldn't have to really buyanything to do it.
Unknown (12:53):
Exactly it, it's
Laura Bowman (12:55):
it's super
Colette Fehr (12:56):
simple. So this is how I see it. And then I want to
hear your recipe. And then let'stalk a little bit too about,
like, what we do for self care,because I haven't even thought
about this. I feel like it'ssuch an automated thing. Now, to
me, after working at this foryears and again as therapists,
being really dialed into theimportance of this, that I don't
even know how I'm going toanswer that question, but what I
(13:17):
do know is that I see a coupleof pieces being very key to this
one, boundaries. I mean, youcannot. There's no way you're
doing well if you don't haveboundaries, it's impossible. I
see balance also as being key toself care that we can't let our
(13:39):
lives. I know it can bedifficult when there's competing
demands, but when life gets outof balance, there should be fun,
there should be work that'smeaningful, there should be
connection. There should bealone time. And obviously some
people have much more fixed,immutable challenges in their
lives that make that moredifficult. We have to work with
(14:01):
what we have, but as much as wecan, trying to stay in balance,
I think is important. I seeconnection as critical for self
care doesn't have to be aromantic relationship. In fact,
you may be happier if you don'thave one, but you have to have
your close inner circle peoplethat you spend time with, that
(14:23):
you laugh with, and that alsoyou can really talk about the
real stuff. I see that ascritical to self care. And to
me, those components are likeand implicit in all of that is
being really connected toyourself.
Laura Bowman (14:38):
Yeah, I think you nailed it with those components,
boundaries, for sure. I thinkself compassion is another one.
It's and that goes in the selfconnected, like how you're
talking to yourself, soimportant that you can get a
huge boost out of that. I mean,just normal, like, I love the
self compassion. Or what is it?
The
Colette Fehr (14:59):
suffering, prayer.
Yeah. The suffering mantra, the
Laura Bowman (15:01):
mantra, yeah, we'll include that in the show
notes. But that's just likenormalizing, if you're going
through stuff and and givingyourself grace and you know,
again, back to like, knowingwhat your bandwidth this and
knowing like, what you need,like to say, I need to go to
breakfast with my friend andconnect, and I need to be able
to talk about what's going on,right? Or I need to shut down
(15:25):
and kind of like, be in thehouse for a day. Or I need to
watch Pride and Prejudice forlike, the 100th
Colette Fehr (15:30):
time, right? And so let's whatever it is,
whatever it is you need. Solet's go through some of these
things, including, let's startwith the self compassion piece
and and we can attach that toyou know, if you go to insights
from the couch.org check out ourdownload section and sign up for
our community, because we reallywant to engage with you guys on
(15:53):
a whole different level and beable to talk some of these
things through. And we caninclude this piece on the
suffering mantra in there. It'sfrom Kristen Neff work,
groundbreaking work on selfcompassion. It's so different
from now, I feel like it's suchan accepted thing, but it's
really a breakthrough, becauseit's not about necessarily
(16:15):
building self confidence or selfesteem. It's about building self
acceptance and treating yourselfwith kindness. You know, the
cliche that's so true is whenyou say to somebody, what would
you say to a friend if they justmade a huge mistake and were
mortified? Usually I'll hearsomething in therapy, like I
(16:39):
would tell her, it's okay, youdid your best, and of course,
you feel embarrassed, but you'regonna learn a lot from this and
right? And then that's how wetalk, right? And then I'll say,
Well, what would you say toyourself? How could you fuck
that up? You moron? You knew youshould have practiced more. I
knew you weren't doing enough.
Now everyone sees that you'restupid. And I'm not being
(17:00):
hyperbolic. These are the ways,right? I know you know that, but
you know, for our listeners, youguys, this is maybe you relate
to it. But even if you don'ttalk to yourself quite that
harshly, it's a real cultivatedpractice to learn to tune in and
the suffering watcher, I alwaysput my hand on my heart, but
(17:21):
it's really about saying, thisis a moment of pain, or this is
a moment of suffering, likeright now, I am suffering. I am
hurting, and let me be kind tomyself and acknowledge what I
feel, and let me remember thatother people in the world are
suffering with me, because weget a lot of comfort from the
universality of knowing otherpeople are. If you're going
(17:44):
through a breakup, there's otherpeople all over the world right
now crying the same tears oversome loser the one day, they'll
look back and say, What the was,I think, why did I wait five
minutes? But in the moment,you're heartbroken, and then
also, it doesn't mean you're notgoing to learn from it. It just
means you're giving yourself alittle love and validation, and
this is the first step in selfcare, because if we're not nice
(18:10):
to ourselves, then we're puttingadvocate for ourselves, right?
And you can't really replenish,which we're identifying as the
heart of self care. And Itotally agree with you on that,
if it doesn't start withkindness turned inward,
Laura Bowman (18:29):
yeah, that it's like absolutely step one. So
it's that, that inside job ofjust that shift in how you speak
to yourself and how you aremindful of what you're
experiencing in any given
Colette Fehr (18:41):
Yeah, and for example, I know this is
definitely the cornerstone of myown self care. I have for a long
time now, changed the way Ispeak to myself. I don't think I
was ever super harsh. I wasn'tcriticized a ton as a child, and
we tend to internalize also theway we hear parents speaking or
the way we're spoken to sobecause my parents were pretty
(19:04):
kind hearted with me andaccepting, I don't think I have
a virulent inner critic, but Iused to say things like, Oh my
god. How could you have donethat? That wasn't good enough.
Now you look like an idiot. Youknow, I would say things like
that, and now what I'll say tomyself is much different. And
I'll say, okay, what can Ilearn? And I'll ask myself, did
(19:27):
I do my best? And if I did, Iwill validate that, but also
say, you know, it's okay to feeldisappointed that it didn't turn
out the way you hoped. And nowlet's move forward and shift
lanes and recognize that, like,this is part of life, and this
is so it's the way I like tothink of it, as how would you
(19:48):
talk to a child that you really,really cared about at their
worst moment? That's how weshould be talking to ourselves.
Laura Bowman (19:57):
Yeah, and paradoxically, it gives you. You
a little bit of space to makebetter choices, right? You know?
I mean, I've gotten a lot betterat this, and not getting, like,
off to the races and blendedwith those thoughts, right? And
where I'm, you know, because Ido have, like, sort of more of a
scathing self critic, but now Ican definitely soften that, and
(20:21):
that's been a huge improvement.
And then go, like, what do youwant to do next? Like, what's
the How can you care foryourself? And most of my most
replenishing activities are whenI can get really into my body
and and that's, that's the levelthat I think is really hard
culturally for people to getinto, is that somatic level of
breath and rest and likerhythmic movement, even where
(20:46):
it's like, you can kind ofreplenish. I think that's so
replenishing for this. Oh,
Colette Fehr (20:54):
I agree. And just for listeners who may not really
be so tapped into the languageof embodiment, it's, it's kind
of exactly what it sounds like.
It's being really in your bodyand connected to your body. And
the reason that's so important,I mean, first of all, we can so
many of us live exclusivelyhere, and this is one important
organ, but we've got a wholesystem here that's working for
(21:17):
us and sending us signals. Andsome people don't get connected
with the body at all. We knowmovement is so healthy,
Laura Bowman (21:29):
and the harder the time you're in, like, I mean,
this is what I see in clients.
Is like that they come in andsome things going on in their
life, and it's survival mode.
When you're in survival mode,it's on to the one thing to the
next thing. It's that culture ofbusyness where you just can't
sink down a layer, a layer, intothe body. So if you're in a time
(21:50):
like that, compassion and see ifyou can just drop in, begin drop
in, and you're not going to dropin for long, right? You know, I
think that's the other thing, iswhere it was, like, we always
have to be present. You know,we're not going to be present
time. Your thoughts arewandering. People are working on
that. Like, that's their job. Iknow. I know for everything I'm
like, if you can be present forlike, a minute, let's try that.
Colette Fehr (22:12):
Yep, for 10 seconds. Start wherever. But
also, we know monkey mind peoplespend. It's been well researched
more than 50% of their time,their mind is wandering. So
we're not trying to be Buddhaand sit under the tree in a
permanent state ofenlightenment. We're trying to
have moments that were reallyconnected, that were in our
(22:33):
bodies, that were in movement,that we're doing things that
replenish and back to the pointfor you guys out there who this
is going to look different foreverybody. Yoga is a great way
to get into your body and to bepresent. I hate yoga. I
absolutely hate it. Okay? Idon't enjoy it, and it doesn't
mean I hate, you know, yoga? No,it's not a disparagement on
(22:55):
yoga. I don't not see the value.
It isn't good for me, andthere's a variety of reasons,
but some of it is alsophysically. It doesn't feel good
to my body. Physically, a lot ofthose movements, I get
nauseated. I don't like it, Idon't like being close to
smelly, but I don't like I'vetried every kind. I've spent
years trying. So that isn'tgoing to be it for me, but for
(23:17):
me going for like, a long walk.
And I really like to do a longwalk, light jog, like a little
bit of like intervals. I like toget my heart rate a little I
like to be out in nature. Idon't listen to music. I prefer
even going by myself. That is atime that I feel very
(23:38):
replenished. I feel veryconnected to myself, to the
natural world, which is veryrestorative. And we know awe has
tremendous psychological power,meaning seeing beautiful scenery
is quite transformative forpeople, and I feel very
refreshed and invigorated. Sothat's that's my version of
(24:01):
that, yeah, and that's thething. Like, figure out not just
what's checking a box, what'sgoing to make me look more fit
or more toned, or what's goingto help me build muscle mass.
That's important, too.
Unknown (24:12):
But what, how is it making you feel? Is this like
refreshing, recharging,
Colette Fehr (24:18):
rejuvenating me at a cellular soul level.
Laura Bowman (24:23):
So let's talk about what makes the short list
of self care routines or likethings that really replenish,
like, I'm gonna second your walkand the run. I mean, I've talked
about it a million times, butSaturday mornings is, like the,
probably the most like delicioustime of my week when I know I do
like a very big, extended walk,run type situation. It's always
(24:46):
in nature. It's always alone. Italways drops me way into my
body. I can get in contact withmyself in a way that I'm not
probably able to be in all weekI look forward to it. It's.
Sacred. Yeah, no one's gettingto
Colette Fehr (25:02):
that that I feel the same way. I feel the same
way, and I think there probablyare a lot of people who relate
to it. So for me, getting backto balance, I know that taking
good care of myself. First ofall, we haven't said it quite
this way, but I think it'simplicit in what we're saying,
really not just being connectedto yourself, but really knowing
(25:22):
yourself. If you had eight kidsand they had all different
personalities, they would needdifferent things. I need
different things than some otherpeople. So I know for me, being
self caring with balance, meansI need work that I find
invigorating and stimulating. Ineed to be intellectually
challenged. I need moments ofboredom, but I'm going to
(25:45):
reframe that in a minute. But Ineed to be stimulated. And it's
not because I can't sit stillwith myself, it's because that's
how I feel at my best. I love tolearn, and I'm very curious and
I want to I'm very into growingand getting better and knowing
more things, not for achievementreasons. I just enjoy it. So I
need to be doing that, but alsoI need to be having fun. I have
(26:09):
a very fun oriented right on theEnneagram. I'm a seven for
people who have done that onMyers, Briggs. I'm an ENFP. I'm
an extrovert. I need to be withpeople. I need to laugh. I need
to meet new people. I need to goplaces and have adventures. So
of course, real life, finances,obligations. I can't just do
(26:32):
what I want all day, every day,like the hedonist I wish I was,
but I know that good self carefor me is going to mean going on
a walk, giving myself permissionto have a quiet day by myself
when I need it, realizing, wow,I haven't seen friends in a
while, and I need to get out andlaugh with people like Just this
(26:53):
weekend, I went out with Curranand Delray. I went to visit her,
and we went out and danced andsang, and we had so much fun. It
was just joyful. I found thateven though I was exhausted, I
found that very replenishing. SoI think the balance and getting
(27:13):
into your body and all of thatcomes down to really knowing you
and like, what are the thingsthat fill me up.
Laura Bowman (27:22):
Yeah, I agree. And you know, it this is so
personal. So like, whateverworks for you works for you, but
some of the same, you know,we're totally different, but
like, I have some of the samethings. I mean, I have to have
connection with people at somepoint. I'm an introvert. But
like, I need deep conversation,me too, and deep connection. I
need intellectual stimulation.
And I definitely need a creativeprocess me too, and usually it's
(27:46):
it involves like paint or takelike my home. I need to be able
to use my leverage myimagination for things, and
that's a really healing processfor me. So not being able to do
that for a while is superdepleting. Yeah, a creative
(28:07):
process, and that's where Ithink, like those things are
different than just doing apaint by number on your iPad.
Colette Fehr (28:18):
I agree. I need to feel creative. I need a creative
outlet too, and that can changewhat that is. But I want to add
one other piece to this that'svery important for me, for self
care that some of you guys mightrelate to. I need space to just
be. I need it almost more than Ineed anything else. I really
(28:43):
love to engage with people andbe with people, and I love alone
time. I'm talking aboutsomething totally different. I
need the kind of time built intomy week somewhere where I don't
have anywhere I have to be Idon't have to put on makeup. I
don't No one's waiting on me,even a friend, even something
fun, nothing I can putter aroundmy house and like, re uttering,
(29:07):
yeah, I need to putter and beable to think and be and like,
either pat around barefoot athome or go run an errand where
my mind gets to just wander.
Laura Bowman (29:22):
That's such a great point. I need it too. And,
and this is it goes back tobalance, because too much of
that can get super stale, butlike that, just that day where
you're like, I don't have to beanywhere. Yes, I'm not on
anybody's
Colette Fehr (29:38):
schedule today.
Yeah. And the freedom in yourown head, the freedom to not,
because a lot of times as I'm ina season of tackling so many
things, and I'm into them, it'snot like I don't want to be
doing them, but sometimes it canfeel like every day is okay.
Today I got to write thisspeech, and then I've got to
figure this out, and this socialmedia video, and these four
clients and. There's so manythings on my plate. I just love
(30:01):
the time when I don't have tothink about anything. I don't
have to be creative for adelivery. I don't have to be
anything. I can just think aboutlike, oh, wouldn't it be cool if
the alphabet was said backwardsand Oh, squirrel like nothing
and everything the free. Icompletely agree with that. So I
(30:21):
think that's important foreverybody, probably to some
degree.
Laura Bowman (30:27):
And I don't know if we want to lump this into
self care, because I'm not sureit is, but I it's something I'm
working on, because I've noticedhow bad I am at it in this and I
think a lot of us are, is I'mtrying to do one thing at a
time. I'm trying to settle intoa task. I'm like, squirrel,
squirrel, squirrel. All thetime, like, Oh my God, what do I
(30:48):
have to do? I have to do this. Ihave to do that. I'm here, I'm
there. And like, I'm trying tosettle my system. And one of the
things that has become, like,increasingly difficult, is just
reading,
Colette Fehr (31:01):
I know, and just their attention,
Laura Bowman (31:04):
yeah, they're just shot. But I
Colette Fehr (31:06):
want to settle and be like I want to be at peace.
And again, it's like that,sinking into the body. I agree,
sinking into presence. I'venoticed how challenging it's
become. I agree, and I I don'tlike it. I'm with you on that.
So for me, it's an act of selfcare. Is to like flex that
muscle. I'm gonna go with you onthat one. I agree, and you know,
(31:29):
let's just as we wrap up here, Ican't believe we didn't say it.
Obviously this applies to us,and it might not apply to you,
but reading for me is eventhough my attention span is
shot, reading is self care forme when I don't have to be
reading something necessarily, Ilike to read for things that
relate to work too. But readingfiction, reading memoir, reading
(31:52):
a really good book, and knowingI can sit there and read as long
as I want and be completely lostin the story that it that does
replenish me. It's not justescapism. That is an act of love
for me to spend time with a goodBucha.
Unknown (32:09):
I agree. I want to go do that right now, but I have a
client coming in, so we have towrap up.
Laura Bowman (32:15):
All right, so, yeah, no, these were good today.
I think that we fleshed it out.
And it's, you know, it's not theone. It's not going to get your
eyebrows waxed,
Colette Fehr (32:24):
yeah. And spend some time thinking about
balance, boundaries, connectionand the concept of
replenishment, because this isnot about, obviously, what works
for me or Laura. This is aboutwhat works for you. And you got
to really get connected toyourself, to figure out what
that is, and then be realisticabout your life. If you're a
(32:45):
young mom with three kids athome, then that's going to look
in terms of how much time youhave to devote to this. But like
most things in life, it'squality over quantity. So
whether you have 10 minutes, 10hours or 10 days to devote to
self care, make it good, make itquality, make it something
that's going to really refreshand replenish you. And we'll
(33:05):
have more on this episode, aswell as again, our midlife
master class. We are takingapplications on the waiting list
now, and it'll be launching in afew months. So check out our
website, insight from thecouch.org, and we will see you
next time.
Unknown (33:22):
Bye guys. You.
Laura, welcome back to insights from the couch.
Hi everyone. Laura and I arehere for another great episode
today. We love this one astherapists, and I think you're
going to love it too. We'regoing to be talking about self
care. Self Care is an insidejob. It's not what you think.
Even if you think you know whatit is, it's probably not what
you think. So we're going to getinto what it's not what it is,
(00:26):
and how to have a self carepractice that really serves you
so you can live your best lifeat midlife. And along those
lines, we also have justlaunched the midlife master
class. We've been doing thiswith women in person here
locally in Orlando, but we'rebringing this online so we can
bring the group to women allover the world. This is really
(00:48):
about leveling up and thrivingat midlife. So again, you can
live your best life. And we'regoing to cover all the things
that we talk about here on thepodcast, many of the things in
this midlife master class. So ifyou're interested in that, check
out our website, insights fromthe couch.org, and join the wait
list if you'd like to work withus. So let's dig into the meat
(01:09):
of the episode, though, selfcare. Laura, I'll let you have
the first
Laura Bowman (01:13):
word. Well, I kind of hate the word self care. It's
like one of these words in ourculture that I feel like Oprah
brought this about back in thelake late 90s, and I remember
women standing up being like, Ifeel so guilty if I focus on
myself. Yeah, and and it we'vecome a long way from that. I
think people understand, atleast intellectually, that they
(01:37):
need to put energy back intothemselves. But now the word
self care has become very, Idon't know, like overused,
signifying nothing, everything'san act of self care, right? And
I mean I including
Colette Fehr (01:55):
consuming alcohol, right? Like Wine, wine, T shirts
and whatever, which is aneurotoxin and obviously is not
caring for yourself.
Laura Bowman (02:06):
Yeah. And I think there's a big difference between
real self care and faux selfcare, so maybe we need to start
there.
Colette Fehr (02:13):
All right, let's get into what's not self care
and faux self care. And alongthe lines, I love how I don't
know how to pronounce her lastname, Dr puja, who wrote the
book self care. Yeah, she soshe's a psychiatrist, and really
has a framework for these fourprinciples of self care that we
can talk about a little bitmore. But I love how she says
(02:37):
Fauci is usually. It's somethingthat comes from the outside.
It's something we're told to dothat we should be doing. So
obviously, this is constructedby society so that people can
sell things, their products,their spa experiences, their
vacations, their injections,their right self care is Botox
(03:02):
and a day at the spa. So I'm notsaying that those things might
not make you feel good, but thatis not what self care is. Is
that may be upkeep, if somethinglike that is important to you.
But puja also talks about thefact that self care is usually a
noun, right? It's a thing. It'sa thing that you're supposed to
(03:24):
do to check the box, and we'rehere to say it's not a manicure.
Self care is something thatcomes from inside of you, and
it's about the way you seeyourself, the way you connect to
your internal power, the way youdefine your values, the way you
talk to yourself, and along thelines of what kind of nouns or
(03:47):
verbs you engage in that mightmake you feel better, those
things come from having a selfcaring relationship with
yourself so that you can knowWhat you need when, and give
yourself that so let's reallytalk about it, because it's
going to be unique to everyone.
What self care to me isn't goingto be self care to you. And I
(04:09):
think though, people have tounderstand that if you're not
giving yourself permission, andyou're not attuned to yourself
and you're not kind to yourself,it's going to be very difficult
to come up with a self careregimen that that makes sense
and that sticks.
Laura Bowman (04:28):
Yeah. I mean, I agree with so much about what
you just said. I think that,like, the top down method is
what women get into. And, like,really, I was listening to some
podcasts where it says it'sreally normal for women to spend
like, 10% plus of their incomeon upkeep, or what she calls
performing femininity, which Iknow is important to a lot of
(04:50):
women, right? But it's also alittle bit of a cultural hose
job. Oh, totally, where it'slike, I've got to go get, you
know, my eyebrows done, and my,you know, my. Botox or whatever,
and the top down approaches are,like, really the least of it,
it's the bottom up stuff thatyou're talking about, about
having boundaries, the way youtalk to yourself. I think
(05:13):
embodiment is such a huge pieceof it, like anything that gets
to being really embodied, whereyou can really rest, which I
think women are. I'll speak formyself. I can be terrible at I
think so many of us are caughtin the like culture of busyness,
right? I can run around my housein circles all day, but to rest
(05:38):
is very hard sometimes, and Ithink that, like a lot of women,
can't even get on thatfrequency.
Colette Fehr (05:44):
Oh, I agree. And we still have hustle culture. We
still deify the busiest, mostachievement oriented person,
whether we admit it or not, evenwhen we reject that concept
intellectually, there's stillsomething to that. Plus, let's
be clear here, we're not sayingdon't do any upkeep or that
(06:05):
that's bullshit. You know, I'mvain to a degree, like I go sit
in that stupid chair and dye myhair and get these nails done.
Honestly, I hate it. I don'tlike beautifying things, but I
want the results of it so thosethings aren't bad. If they make
you feel good, it's just that'snot really what self care is.
(06:27):
And also, we need to be honestabout the fact that, to your
point, those are societallycontrived notions about how
women should look. That for somany of us, even when we say,
Oh, I don't care about men ifyou're heterosexual, or women,
if you're not, or whatever elseyou're into, whoever, whatever,
whoever you want to like, desireyou sexually. I don't care about
(06:49):
that. I'm doing it for me, yesand yes. And we also as women,
have absorbed and internalizedsociety's expectations of how
women should look so greatlythat we can't even separate the
two. I mean, shaving your legs,for example, I'm disgusted when
I don't shave my legs. It makesme feel dirty and gross, no
(07:12):
shame. Yeah, construction,right, that's a construction
Exactly. Women have hair undertheir arms and legs, and I'm not
willing to grow that hair. Kudosto you if you are. But that's
something I believe is about howI feel about myself, but it's
still been imposed on me. Soanother piece of what it's not
though, is it's not escapism.
Let's not confuse it withupkeep, and let's not confuse it
(07:36):
with escapism. Again, it doesn'tmean there's no value to
escapism, or that
Laura Bowman (07:45):
define escapism.
Okay, let's define all thethings that go. Are you ready?
Colette Fehr (07:49):
Because I have a PhD in escapism, so hang on. I
can, I can rattle this off. So,drinking, drugs, food,
vacations, shopping, attentionfrom people that you want to
find you sexually attractive,you know, anything,
Laura Bowman (08:10):
teaching TV,
Colette Fehr (08:12):
scrolling on the phone, scrolling exactly
Laura Bowman (08:16):
I have, you know, was arguing with my daughter
about this because we're kind ofarguing about the concept of,
like, cognitive offloading. Iguess she learned this in
school. Was this term aboutwhere it's like you a lot of
people play video games, or theydo something, or she was doing
like a Color by Number on heriPad, and it's a soothing
(08:37):
technique. But I don't think itquite hits that level of like
replenishment, that like good,real self care. So there's
something like, verydistinguishable between these,
Colette Fehr (08:51):
right, what you're getting out of it. And again, I
think to the point of escapismand cognitive offloading and
replenishment, there issomething to, you know, a
balanced life. I believe we doneed some of these other pieces.
I don't feel bad that there maybe a Saturday that when I could
be out doing 10,000 things, Iwant to binge watch sirens, even
(09:16):
though it's not even that good.
And whatever I just gave I justlost five other conversations.
Yeah, I just lost five hours ofmy life. But it could even
arguably be part of self care,if I'm connected to myself, to
say that day, you know, what Ireally need today is to not
think is to be entertained andjust lose myself. Now, if I'm
spending all day, every day,avoiding life, escaping life and
(09:39):
on a television screen thatisn't really giving anything
back. That's another thing. Butjust to understand that those
activities, in and ofthemselves, don't bring
replenishment. They bring a wayto check out it's a little
dissociative. Get us out of ourheads. And there is a time and a
place for that, but I think itdoes all come down to your
(10:04):
relationship with yourself, howconnected you are to yourself.
So you know what you need, whenyou need it, giving permission
to yourself to do what you needwhen you need it, and then the
way you talk to yourself andnarrate those things, letting go
of guilt, having really goodboundaries and being kind to
(10:25):
yourself and your internaldialog. I mean, you know, you
see the same thing I see intherapy. People talk to
themselves like they're piecesof shit, yeah, and yeah, it's
Laura Bowman (10:40):
knowing how to, like, dial up and dial down
based on where you're at in yourlife. Like, knowing when you
need a moment of cognitiveoffloading, knowing when you
need a moment of connection,knowing where you are in your
own life that, like, Can youhandle watching the news? Like,
do you even have the space forthat? Do you have the space for,
like, your family shit, right?
And a phone call with your yourmom or your sister or whoever,
(11:04):
yep. Like, if that's a no,that's something that self you,
it's like you're constantly inconversation with yourself, yes,
yes. Like, where am I at andwhat do I need next
Colette Fehr (11:16):
Exactly? And you know what's happened? And then
let's get into like, what it isand how we're doing this, and
how I see it, at least. And thenI want to hear how you see it,
but I think what's happened withthe way the term self care has
changed, and I love you pointingto Oprah, because she's probably
(11:37):
responsible for almosteverything, and modern pop, not
pop culture, but you know, selfhelp, self care culture, yes,
and the whole self help movementkind of started, yeah. But I
think what's happened is thatbecause women have historically
felt that they were selfish ifthey thought about themselves at
all, and now that all thesecommercial products and
(11:59):
activities have seized on selfcare as a way to sell products
and goods. What's happened isthat women, in order to almost
justify, it's like, oh, selfcare, right? I'm doing this. I'm
going to spend 10 grand, youknow, on a weekend self care,
right? And we don't need that.
We don't need to justify selfcare. And you go on the weekend,
spend 10k spend a million if youhave it, do whatever the fuck
(12:23):
you want to do. Okay? But let'salso make sure real self care is
happening, because otherwise youcan spend all the money, go to
all the spas, do all the things,and still feel a bottomless pit
of emptiness and emotionalexhaustion inside of you if
you're not doing the things thatreally matter.
Laura Bowman (12:45):
Yeah, self care is really simple. It's really
elegant. It's not complicated.
You shouldn't have to really buyanything to do it.
Unknown (12:53):
Exactly it, it's
Laura Bowman (12:55):
it's super
Colette Fehr (12:56):
simple. So this is how I see it. And then I want to
hear your recipe. And then let'stalk a little bit too about,
like, what we do for self care,because I haven't even thought
about this. I feel like it'ssuch an automated thing. Now, to
me, after working at this foryears and again as therapists,
being really dialed into theimportance of this, that I don't
even know how I'm going toanswer that question, but what I
(13:17):
do know is that I see a coupleof pieces being very key to this
one, boundaries. I mean, youcannot. There's no way you're
doing well if you don't haveboundaries, it's impossible. I
see balance also as being key toself care that we can't let our
(13:39):
lives. I know it can bedifficult when there's competing
demands, but when life gets outof balance, there should be fun,
there should be work that'smeaningful, there should be
connection. There should bealone time. And obviously some
people have much more fixed,immutable challenges in their
lives that make that moredifficult. We have to work with
(14:01):
what we have, but as much as wecan, trying to stay in balance,
I think is important. I seeconnection as critical for self
care doesn't have to be aromantic relationship. In fact,
you may be happier if you don'thave one, but you have to have
your close inner circle peoplethat you spend time with, that
(14:23):
you laugh with, and that alsoyou can really talk about the
real stuff. I see that ascritical to self care. And to
me, those components are likeand implicit in all of that is
being really connected toyourself.
Laura Bowman (14:38):
Yeah, I think you nailed it with those components,
boundaries, for sure. I thinkself compassion is another one.
It's and that goes in the selfconnected, like how you're
talking to yourself, soimportant that you can get a
huge boost out of that. I mean,just normal, like, I love the
self compassion. Or what is it?
The
Colette Fehr (14:59):
suffering, prayer.
Yeah. The suffering mantra, the
Laura Bowman (15:01):
mantra, yeah, we'll include that in the show
notes. But that's just likenormalizing, if you're going
through stuff and and givingyourself grace and you know,
again, back to like, knowingwhat your bandwidth this and
knowing like, what you need,like to say, I need to go to
breakfast with my friend andconnect, and I need to be able
to talk about what's going on,right? Or I need to shut down
(15:25):
and kind of like, be in thehouse for a day. Or I need to
watch Pride and Prejudice forlike, the 100th
Colette Fehr (15:30):
time, right? And so let's whatever it is,
whatever it is you need. Solet's go through some of these
things, including, let's startwith the self compassion piece
and and we can attach that toyou know, if you go to insights
from the couch.org check out ourdownload section and sign up for
our community, because we reallywant to engage with you guys on
(15:53):
a whole different level and beable to talk some of these
things through. And we caninclude this piece on the
suffering mantra in there. It'sfrom Kristen Neff work,
groundbreaking work on selfcompassion. It's so different
from now, I feel like it's suchan accepted thing, but it's
really a breakthrough, becauseit's not about necessarily
(16:15):
building self confidence or selfesteem. It's about building self
acceptance and treating yourselfwith kindness. You know, the
cliche that's so true is whenyou say to somebody, what would
you say to a friend if they justmade a huge mistake and were
mortified? Usually I'll hearsomething in therapy, like I
(16:39):
would tell her, it's okay, youdid your best, and of course,
you feel embarrassed, but you'regonna learn a lot from this and
right? And then that's how wetalk, right? And then I'll say,
Well, what would you say toyourself? How could you fuck
that up? You moron? You knew youshould have practiced more. I
knew you weren't doing enough.
Now everyone sees that you'restupid. And I'm not being
(17:00):
hyperbolic. These are the ways,right? I know you know that, but
you know, for our listeners, youguys, this is maybe you relate
to it. But even if you don'ttalk to yourself quite that
harshly, it's a real cultivatedpractice to learn to tune in and
the suffering watcher, I alwaysput my hand on my heart, but
(17:21):
it's really about saying, thisis a moment of pain, or this is
a moment of suffering, likeright now, I am suffering. I am
hurting, and let me be kind tomyself and acknowledge what I
feel, and let me remember thatother people in the world are
suffering with me, because weget a lot of comfort from the
universality of knowing otherpeople are. If you're going
(17:44):
through a breakup, there's otherpeople all over the world right
now crying the same tears oversome loser the one day, they'll
look back and say, What the was,I think, why did I wait five
minutes? But in the moment,you're heartbroken, and then
also, it doesn't mean you're notgoing to learn from it. It just
means you're giving yourself alittle love and validation, and
this is the first step in selfcare, because if we're not nice
(18:10):
to ourselves, then we're puttingadvocate for ourselves, right?
And you can't really replenish,which we're identifying as the
heart of self care. And Itotally agree with you on that,
if it doesn't start withkindness turned inward,
Laura Bowman (18:29):
yeah, that it's like absolutely step one. So
it's that, that inside job ofjust that shift in how you speak
to yourself and how you aremindful of what you're
experiencing in any given
Colette Fehr (18:41):
Yeah, and for example, I know this is
definitely the cornerstone of myown self care. I have for a long
time now, changed the way Ispeak to myself. I don't think I
was ever super harsh. I wasn'tcriticized a ton as a child, and
we tend to internalize also theway we hear parents speaking or
the way we're spoken to sobecause my parents were pretty
(19:04):
kind hearted with me andaccepting, I don't think I have
a virulent inner critic, but Iused to say things like, Oh my
god. How could you have donethat? That wasn't good enough.
Now you look like an idiot. Youknow, I would say things like
that, and now what I'll say tomyself is much different. And
I'll say, okay, what can Ilearn? And I'll ask myself, did
(19:27):
I do my best? And if I did, Iwill validate that, but also
say, you know, it's okay to feeldisappointed that it didn't turn
out the way you hoped. And nowlet's move forward and shift
lanes and recognize that, like,this is part of life, and this
is so it's the way I like tothink of it, as how would you
(19:48):
talk to a child that you really,really cared about at their
worst moment? That's how weshould be talking to ourselves.
Laura Bowman (19:57):
Yeah, and paradoxically, it gives you. You
a little bit of space to makebetter choices, right? You know?
I mean, I've gotten a lot betterat this, and not getting, like,
off to the races and blendedwith those thoughts, right? And
where I'm, you know, because Ido have, like, sort of more of a
scathing self critic, but now Ican definitely soften that, and
(20:21):
that's been a huge improvement.
And then go, like, what do youwant to do next? Like, what's
the How can you care foryourself? And most of my most
replenishing activities are whenI can get really into my body
and and that's, that's the levelthat I think is really hard
culturally for people to getinto, is that somatic level of
breath and rest and likerhythmic movement, even where
(20:46):
it's like, you can kind ofreplenish. I think that's so
replenishing for this. Oh,
Colette Fehr (20:54):
I agree. And just for listeners who may not really
be so tapped into the languageof embodiment, it's, it's kind
of exactly what it sounds like.
It's being really in your bodyand connected to your body. And
the reason that's so important,I mean, first of all, we can so
many of us live exclusivelyhere, and this is one important
organ, but we've got a wholesystem here that's working for
(21:17):
us and sending us signals. Andsome people don't get connected
with the body at all. We knowmovement is so healthy,
Laura Bowman (21:29):
and the harder the time you're in, like, I mean,
this is what I see in clients.
Is like that they come in andsome things going on in their
life, and it's survival mode.
When you're in survival mode,it's on to the one thing to the
next thing. It's that culture ofbusyness where you just can't
sink down a layer, a layer, intothe body. So if you're in a time
(21:50):
like that, compassion and see ifyou can just drop in, begin drop
in, and you're not going to dropin for long, right? You know, I
think that's the other thing, iswhere it was, like, we always
have to be present. You know,we're not going to be present
time. Your thoughts arewandering. People are working on
that. Like, that's their job. Iknow. I know for everything I'm
like, if you can be present forlike, a minute, let's try that.
Colette Fehr (22:12):
Yep, for 10 seconds. Start wherever. But
also, we know monkey mind peoplespend. It's been well researched
more than 50% of their time,their mind is wandering. So
we're not trying to be Buddhaand sit under the tree in a
permanent state ofenlightenment. We're trying to
have moments that were reallyconnected, that were in our
(22:33):
bodies, that were in movement,that we're doing things that
replenish and back to the pointfor you guys out there who this
is going to look different foreverybody. Yoga is a great way
to get into your body and to bepresent. I hate yoga. I
absolutely hate it. Okay? Idon't enjoy it, and it doesn't
mean I hate, you know, yoga? No,it's not a disparagement on
(22:55):
yoga. I don't not see the value.
It isn't good for me, andthere's a variety of reasons,
but some of it is alsophysically. It doesn't feel good
to my body. Physically, a lot ofthose movements, I get
nauseated. I don't like it, Idon't like being close to
smelly, but I don't like I'vetried every kind. I've spent
years trying. So that isn'tgoing to be it for me, but for
(23:17):
me going for like, a long walk.
And I really like to do a longwalk, light jog, like a little
bit of like intervals. I like toget my heart rate a little I
like to be out in nature. Idon't listen to music. I prefer
even going by myself. That is atime that I feel very
(23:38):
replenished. I feel veryconnected to myself, to the
natural world, which is veryrestorative. And we know awe has
tremendous psychological power,meaning seeing beautiful scenery
is quite transformative forpeople, and I feel very
refreshed and invigorated. Sothat's that's my version of
(24:01):
that, yeah, and that's thething. Like, figure out not just
what's checking a box, what'sgoing to make me look more fit
or more toned, or what's goingto help me build muscle mass.
That's important, too.
Unknown (24:12):
But what, how is it making you feel? Is this like
refreshing, recharging,
Colette Fehr (24:18):
rejuvenating me at a cellular soul level.
Laura Bowman (24:23):
So let's talk about what makes the short list
of self care routines or likethings that really replenish,
like, I'm gonna second your walkand the run. I mean, I've talked
about it a million times, butSaturday mornings is, like the,
probably the most like delicioustime of my week when I know I do
like a very big, extended walk,run type situation. It's always
(24:46):
in nature. It's always alone. Italways drops me way into my
body. I can get in contact withmyself in a way that I'm not
probably able to be in all weekI look forward to it. It's.
Sacred. Yeah, no one's gettingto
Colette Fehr (25:02):
that that I feel the same way. I feel the same
way, and I think there probablyare a lot of people who relate
to it. So for me, getting backto balance, I know that taking
good care of myself. First ofall, we haven't said it quite
this way, but I think it'simplicit in what we're saying,
really not just being connectedto yourself, but really knowing
(25:22):
yourself. If you had eight kidsand they had all different
personalities, they would needdifferent things. I need
different things than some otherpeople. So I know for me, being
self caring with balance, meansI need work that I find
invigorating and stimulating. Ineed to be intellectually
challenged. I need moments ofboredom, but I'm going to
(25:45):
reframe that in a minute. But Ineed to be stimulated. And it's
not because I can't sit stillwith myself, it's because that's
how I feel at my best. I love tolearn, and I'm very curious and
I want to I'm very into growingand getting better and knowing
more things, not for achievementreasons. I just enjoy it. So I
need to be doing that, but alsoI need to be having fun. I have
(26:09):
a very fun oriented right on theEnneagram. I'm a seven for
people who have done that onMyers, Briggs. I'm an ENFP. I'm
an extrovert. I need to be withpeople. I need to laugh. I need
to meet new people. I need to goplaces and have adventures. So
of course, real life, finances,obligations. I can't just do
(26:32):
what I want all day, every day,like the hedonist I wish I was,
but I know that good self carefor me is going to mean going on
a walk, giving myself permissionto have a quiet day by myself
when I need it, realizing, wow,I haven't seen friends in a
while, and I need to get out andlaugh with people like Just this
(26:53):
weekend, I went out with Curranand Delray. I went to visit her,
and we went out and danced andsang, and we had so much fun. It
was just joyful. I found thateven though I was exhausted, I
found that very replenishing. SoI think the balance and getting
(27:13):
into your body and all of thatcomes down to really knowing you
and like, what are the thingsthat fill me up.
Laura Bowman (27:22):
Yeah, I agree. And you know, it this is so
personal. So like, whateverworks for you works for you, but
some of the same, you know,we're totally different, but
like, I have some of the samethings. I mean, I have to have
connection with people at somepoint. I'm an introvert. But
like, I need deep conversation,me too, and deep connection. I
need intellectual stimulation.
And I definitely need a creativeprocess me too, and usually it's
(27:46):
it involves like paint or takelike my home. I need to be able
to use my leverage myimagination for things, and
that's a really healing processfor me. So not being able to do
that for a while is superdepleting. Yeah, a creative
(28:07):
process, and that's where Ithink, like those things are
different than just doing apaint by number on your iPad.
Colette Fehr (28:18):
I agree. I need to feel creative. I need a creative
outlet too, and that can changewhat that is. But I want to add
one other piece to this that'svery important for me, for self
care that some of you guys mightrelate to. I need space to just
be. I need it almost more than Ineed anything else. I really
(28:43):
love to engage with people andbe with people, and I love alone
time. I'm talking aboutsomething totally different. I
need the kind of time built intomy week somewhere where I don't
have anywhere I have to be Idon't have to put on makeup. I
don't No one's waiting on me,even a friend, even something
fun, nothing I can putter aroundmy house and like, re uttering,
(29:07):
yeah, I need to putter and beable to think and be and like,
either pat around barefoot athome or go run an errand where
my mind gets to just wander.
Laura Bowman (29:22):
That's such a great point. I need it too. And,
and this is it goes back tobalance, because too much of
that can get super stale, butlike that, just that day where
you're like, I don't have to beanywhere. Yes, I'm not on
anybody's
Colette Fehr (29:38):
schedule today.
Yeah. And the freedom in yourown head, the freedom to not,
because a lot of times as I'm ina season of tackling so many
things, and I'm into them, it'snot like I don't want to be
doing them, but sometimes it canfeel like every day is okay.
Today I got to write thisspeech, and then I've got to
figure this out, and this socialmedia video, and these four
clients and. There's so manythings on my plate. I just love
(30:01):
the time when I don't have tothink about anything. I don't
have to be creative for adelivery. I don't have to be
anything. I can just think aboutlike, oh, wouldn't it be cool if
the alphabet was said backwardsand Oh, squirrel like nothing
and everything the free. Icompletely agree with that. So I
(30:21):
think that's important foreverybody, probably to some
degree.
Laura Bowman (30:27):
And I don't know if we want to lump this into
self care, because I'm not sureit is, but I it's something I'm
working on, because I've noticedhow bad I am at it in this and I
think a lot of us are, is I'mtrying to do one thing at a
time. I'm trying to settle intoa task. I'm like, squirrel,
squirrel, squirrel. All thetime, like, Oh my God, what do I
(30:48):
have to do? I have to do this. Ihave to do that. I'm here, I'm
there. And like, I'm trying tosettle my system. And one of the
things that has become, like,increasingly difficult, is just
reading,
Colette Fehr (31:01):
I know, and just their attention,
Laura Bowman (31:04):
yeah, they're just shot. But I
Colette Fehr (31:06):
want to settle and be like I want to be at peace.
And again, it's like that,sinking into the body. I agree,
sinking into presence. I'venoticed how challenging it's
become. I agree, and I I don'tlike it. I'm with you on that.
So for me, it's an act of selfcare. Is to like flex that
muscle. I'm gonna go with you onthat one. I agree, and you know,
(31:29):
let's just as we wrap up here, Ican't believe we didn't say it.
Obviously this applies to us,and it might not apply to you,
but reading for me is eventhough my attention span is
shot, reading is self care forme when I don't have to be
reading something necessarily, Ilike to read for things that
relate to work too. But readingfiction, reading memoir, reading
(31:52):
a really good book, and knowingI can sit there and read as long
as I want and be completely lostin the story that it that does
replenish me. It's not justescapism. That is an act of love
for me to spend time with a goodBucha.
Unknown (32:09):
I agree. I want to go do that right now, but I have a
client coming in, so we have towrap up.
Laura Bowman (32:15):
All right, so, yeah, no, these were good today.
I think that we fleshed it out.
And it's, you know, it's not theone. It's not going to get your
eyebrows waxed,
Colette Fehr (32:24):
yeah. And spend some time thinking about
balance, boundaries, connectionand the concept of
replenishment, because this isnot about, obviously, what works
for me or Laura. This is aboutwhat works for you. And you got
to really get connected toyourself, to figure out what
that is, and then be realisticabout your life. If you're a
(32:45):
young mom with three kids athome, then that's going to look
in terms of how much time youhave to devote to this. But like
most things in life, it'squality over quantity. So
whether you have 10 minutes, 10hours or 10 days to devote to
self care, make it good, make itquality, make it something
that's going to really refreshand replenish you. And we'll
(33:05):
have more on this episode, aswell as again, our midlife
master class. We are takingapplications on the waiting list
now, and it'll be launching in afew months. So check out our
website, insight from thecouch.org, and we will see you
next time.
Unknown (33:22):
Bye guys. You.
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