July 2, 2025 • 44 mins
This week on Insights From the Couch, we sit down with the powerhouse attorney, author, and survivor, Alreen Haeggquist. From her deeply personal story of growing up in an abusive household to becoming a leading legal advocate for survivors of sexual harassment and assault, Alreen’s journey is a testament to the strength of the human spirit—and the power of owning your story.
We explore the long path from trauma to triumph, what it really takes to heal, and how acknowledging the past is the first step toward freedom. Alreen shares how inner child work, therapy, and using her voice not only helped her reclaim her own life but gave her the fuel to fight for others. This conversation is vulnerable, honest, and full of insight for anyone on a healing path—or supporting someone who is.
Episode Highlights:
[0:00] - Welcoming Alreen and an intro to her mission and groundbreaking legal work.
[2:04] - Alreen’s early life: arranged marriage, family dynamics, and migration.
[5:08] - The many forms of survival: escaping abuse through education and independence.
[6:26] - Why bullying at school was more bearable than life at home.
[8:29] - The breaking point: rage, motherhood, and the moment of awakening.
[11:17] - Alreen’s first steps into therapy and realizing healing takes more than four sessions.
[12:45] - A pivotal psychodrama experience: naming the abuse for the first time.
[16:08] - The power of vulnerability and why speaking out matters.
[18:30] - Connecting trauma to physical health and emotional wellbeing.
[21:13] - Learning to feel again: inner child work and the journey back to the heart.
[25:18] - Bringing personal experience into the courtroom to empower survivors.
[26:33] - Breaking down sexual assault civil cases and how justice is pursued.
[28:39] - Advocacy in action: educating teens and holding institutions accountable.
[31:37] - Teaching kids to trust their gut and speak up.
[34:28] - The first step to healing: acknowledge it happened and write it down.
[35:58] - The complex family fallout of telling the truth.
[39:45] - Secrets and silence vs. truth and generational healing.
[42:58] - Why acknowledging abuse isn’t rare—it’s revolutionary.
Resources:
📚 Fired Up: Fueling Triumph From Trauma by Alreen Haeggquist — available on Amazon
🌐 Learn more about Alreen’s work and book at www.alreen.com
Make sure to visit the “Resources” page on our website www.insightsfromthecouch.org to download the worksheet and take ways that accompany each episode. This is hugely important as we are now creating a download that is unique to each episode and working hard to create an email list to support our programming offerings moving forward.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Unknown (00:00):
Alex, welcome back everyone to another episode of
(00:05):
insights from the couch. Today,we have a very powerful, brave
and incredible guest on alrenehayquest, motivated by the pains
of her childhood, she became alawyer in order to stand up for
victims of abuse, and foundedher own firm, hey quest and E,
C, K, L, L, P, in San Diego backin 2008 this firm has helped
(00:30):
hundreds of women stand up forthemselves, and she's challenged
high profile entities like theSalk Institute, Trader Joe's,
Kaiser Permanente, the San Diegosheriff's department and a
president elect. We won'tspeculate on who that could be,
but her message is that, as asociety, we need to break the
(00:50):
silence and help women stand upto their abusers. She is also
the author of the powerful book.
I just love. This book, firedup, fueling triumph from trauma
today, we are honored to welcomealreen. Hey, quest to insights
from the couch, and we have somuch to share about how
pervasive abusive is today, howwe need to confront it, how we
(01:14):
can do that, and how we start toget on the pathway of our own
healing. So welcome alreen,thank you so much for being
here. So maybe we could justdive right in and start with
some of your personal story. Iwas reading some of your book,
which is so well written, by theway, it's so captivating, I
really can't wait to finish thewhole thing. Thank you. Yeah,
(01:34):
you did a wonderful job with it.
And as you know, the personalstory is what really brings it
all to life and your mission, ofcourse, but maybe you could even
start with a little bit of thebackground culturally, what your
mom went through with anarranged marriage, and how that
(01:56):
shaped the messages you got. Asyou share with us, maybe as much
of your personal story as you'recomfortable with. Sure,
Alreen Haegquist (02:04):
I was born in Karachi, Pakistan, and I'm the
youngest of 10 kids, and my mom,yeah, she had an arranged
marriage when she was 16, and mydad wanted a big family. So by
the age of 17, she had her firstkid, and then just, you know,
every year, kept giving birth toanother one. And the only reason
there was really, like a pausewas because they were living in
(02:27):
Burma. My father's IndianBurmese. He was born in Burma,
and then he went to India, andhe got the arranged marriage to
my mom, brought her back toBurma. And during that time, it
was under English rule. And sothey, you know, life was great.
All was well, but the countrybecame communist, and so they
fled. And from that point, youknow, there was just trying to
(02:49):
figure out where best to land.
And so they moved to India andPakistan. And during that time,
you know, had three more kids.
That's why there was gaps.
Everybody else was like a yearapart, and then there was like a
sister who was seven yearsapart, and another one that was
five years apart. Finally, fromPakistan, we ended up in the
United States. So I came herewhen I was two, and we moved to
the Los Angeles area. At thattime, there was eight kids. Two
(03:12):
had been married off already,and the rest of us grew up here.
The older ones went to work, andthe younger ones went to school.
So I started school here. Andwhen you're growing up, you
don't really know, you know thedifference between what your
home and another person's home.
So you know now and I as anadult, and can look back and see
(03:33):
the differences. You know, myhome was very abusive, like it
was verbally abusive, it wasemotionally abusive, it was
psychologically abusive, andthen we experience sexual abuse
by my father. And again, like,you don't know what's going on,
but you don't, nobody talksabout it, right? My mom's seeing
what's happening, but she's notsaying anything. You know? My
sisters know what. Like, Ididn't know. They knew what was
(03:55):
going on, but they wereexperiencing it, and they
weren't talking about it, right?
So it was, it was just becamekind of the norm. It was just
what the household was like, andI didn't know any different. But
even at a very young age, I knewI wanted something different,
like I didn't want that life,and I was able to see that from
TV shows, right for me, it wasthe Brady Bunch that was like, I
(04:16):
fantasized about living thatlife, yeah, and so that kind of,
I guess, watching that on TV wasthose are the things I prayed
and wished for as a young kid. Ijust wanted to be happy, and I
wanted a family that was veryfunctional and where your
parents talked to you and youhad conversations with them and
and so I had that. And thengrowing up, I learned when I was
(04:40):
in high school that I could moveaway from my house if I went to
college. And so that really,like, propelled me to figure
out, like, nobody had gone tocollege here. And so figuring
out, like, you know, how do Iapply for college? How do I
apply for grants? So I spent alot of time doing that in high
school, and I. I was able tomove out of my house at 18 and
(05:01):
got away from my situation,
Unknown (05:05):
and they were supportive of letting you go.
Well, yeah, because
Alreen Haegquist (05:09):
that was a like, they were so proud, right?
They had daughter that, youknow, was going off to college,
and they could talk about it,right? Like, oh, I have a
daughter that's, you know, goingto college, and even now, like
I'm a lawyer, my mom's reallyproud of the fact that I'm a
lawyer. She has no idea what Ido, but she knows that I became
a lawyer. She's able to say, Oh,my daughter's a lawyer. So yes,
(05:30):
moving away because I was goingto college was okay. My other
sisters, you know, their way toget out of the house was getting
married, right? And so we eachkind of found our way to get out
of the situation. For me, Idiscovered that I could do it by
going to college, and that's howI did my sister above me. I
mean, she just ran away and shelived with another family, and
(05:50):
then the other three sisters,no, four sisters all got
married, and that's how theymoved out of the house. So we
all kind of had our own way of
Unknown (05:58):
escaping the environment. Exactly, yeah, and
you said, so, I mean, the whatyou wrote in the book was so
powerfully evocative when youdescribed some of your
experiences being bullied atschool, like the ugly names kids
would call you for beingdifferent, and that even as bad
(06:21):
as that was, you preferredexperiencing that than being at
home,
Alreen Haegquist (06:26):
yeah, for sure. Like at school, you You
left it and you didn't have thislike, emotional connection to
them. Like at home, it was yourfather and your mother, like, I
don't know, and and you couldn'tescape it was and it was very
unpredictable, like, I didn'tknow when my dad was gonna rage
out, right? And so it was thatunpredictability of constantly,
(06:48):
kind of living in this, like,terrified state of, like, Okay,
what's he gonna do now, youknow, or what's he gonna say now
and again. You don't realizethat you're terrified, right?
Your survival instincts justkeeping it all inside, and
you're just trying to, you know,just for me, my survival was
just like, be a good kid. If I'ma good kid, you know, everything
will be all right. And so that'skind of how I, like, maintained
(07:09):
myself, you know, trying to begood, trying to be good, not
talk back, doing well in school,getting good grades, like,
right? Not having, you know, notneeding the teachers to call my
parents, you know. So just beinglike a good girl. And I thought
that if I did that, then, youknow, maybe my dad, you know,
wouldn't do the things he did.
And that, you know, wasn't true.
It had nothing to do with me andmy behavior. So, yeah, so yes,
(07:32):
despite all of the bullying atschool, school was still like a
happy place for me, because Iyou know, school came easy for
me, and so the teachers, youknow, were happy to have
somebody who's in class wholistened, who didn't talk back,
who you know, did their workand, you know, got good grades.
And so that was rewarding to me,despite, you know, the other
(07:53):
kids and me being different andbeing bullied by them. I mean,
that was the the easy part,
Unknown (07:58):
yeah, like, when does it occur to you, like, what
point in your development doesit occur to you to look back on
this childhood and go, Wow, thiswas really, really, like, not
good. And I mean, because I'massuming you're moving like a
fast, like, speed train here,like going to school, going to
(08:18):
law school, like, it's just,like, succeed, get out, you
know, make my life. What pointdoes do you get? Take the
insight and, like, look inwardand go,
Alreen Haegquist (08:29):
Hmm, it wasn't until much later, I would say,
like, when I'm, like, in my 30s,and really, when I, you know,
after I'm married and I'm I hada kid for the first time. So it
was really later on in life. Andthe reason being is, you know,
when I moved out of my house andI got to college, I was at an
all time high, like, I feltwonderful. I felt really good
(08:51):
about myself. I made really goodfriends, you know, at the time
my boyfriend, who's now myhusband, so I just like, was
fortunate to really find areally, you know, wonderful
group of people that were verysupportive. And so for me, I
thought at that time, like,well, you've left that home
environment, and things arewell, so like, you've moved on,
like, what else is there to talkabout? And I should be grateful.
(09:13):
I've gone to college, I've goneto law school, I've met good
people, and so I should be verygrateful for what I have in my
life. Why would I worry aboutwhat happened in the past. And
it wasn't until, you know,relate problems started in my
relationship with my husband,and again, I, at the time, just
thought it was him. It was allhis fault, you know, and really
(09:34):
zero self reflection on, youknow, what I brought to the
table. And it wasn't until wewent to couples counseling for
the for the first time, and youknow, he told me during that
session he was scared of me, andthat, just like that was
definitely a pivotal moment inmy life, because I didn't
realize and at the time, when Iwas like, I was becoming my
(09:54):
father, right? I was thisrageful person who would go off
on him, and I I didn't know why,and still. When he told me that
I didn't know, but I was able tobecome aware for the first time
of how I was showing up. Andthen it wasn't until I had my
daughter, like, a few yearslater. You know, people always
talk to you about, you know,this is like, the best time of
(10:15):
your life. It's so wonderful.
You're so happy. There's a babyand her cries would like, like,
pierce my skin, like I and I waslike, uncomfortable, like,
seeing her naked, like, becauseI was worried I was going to
hurt her. I was so, like,terrified of hurting her without
knowing it. And so that's whatgot me into therapy for the
first time, was when my daughterwas born, not couples
(10:37):
counseling, but just likeindividual therapy for me. And
when I got to my therapist, youknow, I was like, Alright, this
is what's happening. Like, youknow, I want to feel, you know,
when I'm around my daughter, Iwant to feel comfortable. I
don't want her cries to, youknow, Father me, I'll tell you
what happened to me when I was akid. And I think we can do this
in four sessions, you know, if Iknew every week, we'll talk
about it four times, and then Iwill be on my way. Yeah, I'll be
(11:00):
good, right? Like, what else Ilike exactly what you said
earlier, like I was on a speedtrain, like I could figure stuff
out quickly. So people said, goto therapy. Okay, I can four
sessions of therapy. That'splenty, right? And he did the
same thing. He laughed becauseit was comical to him, but I was
really serious.
Unknown (11:18):
Yeah, we hear this from clients all the time,
particularly successful, highachieving, intelligent clients
are like, I'm here. Let's get itdone. We'll chat about it good
and even
Alreen Haegquist (11:32):
Exactly. And so obviously, that's not how it
works. I still go to therapy asthings develop, but that's kind
of what started me on my journeyis I wanted to be a better mom,
and I wanted to be present formy daughter, and I wanted to
experience her as she grew up.
And so that's what really got mein, and that was really, I would
say for the first time, where Istarted connecting what happened
(11:54):
to me when I was a child wasaffecting how it was showing up
in the present, in the present,
Unknown (12:01):
yeah, yeah. And I, you know, I was gonna ask you, too,
if you're comfortable talkingabout this little I think our
listeners would love to hear theexperience you described in the
book in the introduction, aboutwhen you were in trial attorney
school and you went to thepsychodrama class, and you had
(12:23):
never because I know you'repassionate about using your
voice, which is also my passion,and so I was so excited to hear
about the way you describe that,and maybe you could share a
little bit about the epiphanythat you had and that experience
and how powerful it was for youto acknowledge what happened to
(12:43):
you, sure.
Alreen Haegquist (12:46):
So Trial Lawyers College, the idea behind
it is you can't really representother people if you don't know
yourself, right? And so it's areally a time where you get to
know your your inner workings,so that you can understand the
inner workings of your clients,and then tell their story. And
so that's kind of the purposebehind it. And the reason I went
to trial lawyers college wassame thing, not for myself, but
(13:08):
I wanted to be a better triallawyer for my clients, right?
Like for me, all the things Iwas doing was to help other
people. I wanted to be betterfor them. And so that's what got
me to trial lawyers college.
They start off, and you do awhole week, and they call it
psycho drama. And so there's atherapist, and you sit in a
group of about 10 people, andeverybody like reenacts a story,
(13:29):
whatever they might be workingthrough, and they reenact that
moment of their life. And thethe therapist you know, directs
you of all the actors, I guess,and you put yourself in your
shoes, and then you put yourselfmaybe in the harasser shoes or
the abuser shoes to recreatethat event. And so for me, you
(13:49):
know, I definitely was not goingto talk about, you know, the
abuse by my father. I was goingto talk about bullying, because
that was, like, an easy one forme to go to, like I just always
talked about, oh, I do the workI do because I was bullied as a
kid, and I don't think otherpeople should be bullied. It's a
really easy answer. Stays on thesurface. I don't gotta tell
anybody. What happened to me wasI was a kid, right? And so I
(14:11):
went into that experience doingexactly that. And the therapist,
when I was telling her about it,she just kept drawing it out.
And I don't remember exactly howshe did it, but yeah, it came
out during that psycho dramaabout how my my dad would abuse
me when I when I came home, andit wasn't just him. I had
experienced abuse by two otherfamily members, and that all
(14:33):
came out in this psycho dramaaround 10 strangers who I never
met, didn't know them, and itwas really Emo, like I just was
sobbing. I'm like, sitting onher lap with my head down,
sobbing. And how I got fromtalking about bullying to that
point, I don't know, but whatwas amazing about that
(14:55):
experience I had neververbalized the fact that. Dad
sexually abused me up until thatpoint, until then, until then. I
just
Unknown (15:05):
want to say how normal that is. Like, I think that
people think that everything isso linear, and that, like, we
carry these experiences and weunpack them, and we all we're so
in touch with everything, but ithappens like this, like happens
years later, very often, whereyou look back and you're like,
holy shit. And, you know, inthese moments like so I'm not so
(15:27):
I just want to normalize thatfor even for our listener. But
sometimes it's not even until,like many problems, that women
get back in touch with some ofthese things. But go ahead, I
don't want to interrupt. Yeah,
Alreen Haegquist (15:38):
what I had been doing the rest of the time?
No, no, I appreciate that. Thewhat I had been doing the rest
of the time was really justfinding ways to push it down,
right, like, push it away. It'snot happening. Things are good,
you know, stop complaining, andjust really finding ways to push
it aside, forget about it andpretend like it never happened,
right?
Unknown (15:56):
And I think that is what most people try to do,
because going into the painfeels counterintuitive, and you
have all this external success.
Yes, exactly, yeah. AndI'll read you talked about in
the book how being with thisgroup of strangers and having
other people open up and bevulnerable that some other
(16:18):
student in there, reenacted, Ithink you said, with a mattress
sexual abuse space. Yeah, itwas,
Alreen Haegquist (16:26):
it was her step brother, and she
experienced sex abuse with him.
And really her opening up iswhat I think led me to open up,
right? Because she wascompletely vulnerable. She
exposed this entire moment, andit was like, Well, who am I to
not open up myself? And that'skind of the whole point, right?
When other people do it, it doesallow you to open up yourself,
which is, again, why I'm sureI've shared my story, and why I
(16:49):
wrote a book about it, becauseI've learned how powerful it is
when I do it, other people cando it, and I believe until you
do it, you really can't be onthe path to heal yourself from
it and triumph from whathappened to you.
Unknown (17:03):
Yeah, as you say this part right now, I just got
goosebumps. It's so powerfulthat you're sharing your story
so that somebody else might feellike it's okay for me to
acknowledge what happened to metoo, and that there might be not
only the beginning of a pathwayto healing, but just such peace
(17:24):
and being able to say, this iswhat I endured exactly,
Alreen Haegquist (17:29):
because that's the other thing. So same thing,
like, just like before, I didn'trealize, you know, it was being
triggered, and I was angrybecause of what happened to me
in my past. The other thing thatwas going on with me was, like,
I had all these physicalailments. I had this ulcer that
wouldn't go away. And so that'sthe other part of it. Is like
connecting the fact that what'sgoing on in your physical body
also is likely related to whathappened to you in the past,
(17:52):
right? And the more you fightagainst it, it's your it's your
body, like showing the signs ofwhat happened to you. And so
that's another reason why Ithink it's so important to
acknowledge what happened andand say something about it,
right, not pretend and push itdown, because your body is going
to act up like, if you continueto do that, you're going to have
some physical manifestationsfrom it, right? Like all these
(18:15):
autoimmune disorders, there's,like, so many diseases, and it's
you have to start addressingwhat happened. Can't change it,
you know, but if you startaccepting it and acknowledging,
like feeling it, that ithappened, you're going to be
able to heal yourself from it.
So
Unknown (18:31):
yeah, we certainly see that. We did a whole episode on
anxiety and how women tend tosomaticize, and like we do, we
pull these, this kind of traumainto our body, and it lives
there until we deal with it. ButI think it's so interesting
that, you like, decided to be alawyer, right? Like this pro
social way of deal of gettingjustice, like, I'm going to
(18:52):
serve clients, and, you know, behave that function in the world
which we see people who've beentraumatized, they become
therapists, lawyers, animalrescuers, you know, children
advocates like they they'retrying to heal something through
their work. But what you'resaying too is like the real the
real change there is like, whenyou can be vulnerable about that
(19:13):
story, you actually become somuch more helpful to the to your
clients, to people listening,and it's so much it's healing
for you and for them.
Alreen Haegquist (19:25):
Totally, yeah.
I completely agree with that,yeah, and why? I think it's so
Unknown (19:29):
important, yeah, and that you had to really learn to
in order to be able to relate towhat your clients have
experienced. It's not just thesimilar experience. It's really
that you have to be in touchwith your own emotions if you're
going to be able to have empathyand understanding for anyone
else's emotions.
Alreen Haegquist (19:49):
Oh, 100% like we've all had different
experiences, but our emotionsand the feelings tied to it are
the same, right? And like,getting in touch with those, I
think, is so important, right?
Again, heal from it.
Unknown (20:00):
Right, instead of burying it, having it
somaticize. And I thought it wasjust, you know, before we move
into how women can start to havethis more empowered journey
abuse aside, you know, all thehorrific abuse that you endured,
I was really struck by somethingyou said that I hear so often as
(20:22):
a couple's therapist, that inyour household, the only emotion
that it was okay to show wasanger, and that if you emoted or
you cried, you were labeled acrier, right? This was seen as a
derogatory thing when we knowcrying is the way the body
regulates itself that you getback to baseline, through
(20:43):
sadness, through the hormonesexcreted and tears, that crying
is a beautiful normal thing, butso few people are taught that
it's okay to express a range ofemotions. So as you went on your
healing journey, I'll read, didyou learn to embrace the full
spectrum of emotions. Do youfeel more in touch with your
(21:06):
feelings now and morecommunicative about them and
your own personal relationships?
Or is that still hard? Yeah, I
Alreen Haegquist (21:13):
think it's still hard. I think I'm still on
on the path. So with respect tobeing more in touch with my
feelings, yes, 100% I'm waymore. I mean, I can feel my
heart right, like, where I don'tthink I could feel it before,
and I know that's odd to say,but I really wasn't in touch
with, like, my heart emotions.
And so for me, I reallycontribute that to doing inner
child work. This was kind ofthis long lasting, and I talk
(21:36):
about this in my book of, like,you know, the the my GI doctor,
when I was having the ulcer,kept repeatedly saying that you
need to feel your feelings. AndI was just like, so annoyed by
it, because they're like, Whatare you talking about? I'm
really, I can feel this that I'mannoyed with you. You know, I
don't know what feelings youwant me to have.
Unknown (21:57):
Is that what you had in mind? Doctor, yeah, exactly.
We've reached that, becauseyou're pissing me off.
Alreen Haegquist (22:08):
But that was really like eye opening, like
where she kept saying and Icouldn't understand what she
meant and doing in her childwork, which, for your listeners
who don't know you go back to atime when you were a child and
really get in touch with thosefeelings that you had. So for
me, it brought me back to theterrified little girl I was and
my adult self telling hereverything's going to be okay,
(22:30):
right, which is what I didn'thave when I was a kid. There was
nobody there to protect me orlet me know. You know we're
going to keep you safe andeverything's going to be okay.
Yeah, that was like, I don'tknow another, like, pivotal
moment, because there was arelease of energy that I had
never experienced before fromthat and that really got in
touch with, like, what I wasfeeling when a situation arose.
(22:52):
So for example, not only was Iwhen I'm angry, like I can
recognize when I'm angry, likemy body is turning hot, right,
like I can feel like thesymptoms in my body, or when I'm
expressing love, like when I'maround my daughter or my
husband, and there's this, like,immense amount of love. I can
feel it in my heart, you know,and how they're affecting me.
And then with respect to, like,the joy, right? Like being
(23:13):
present and feeling joyful, youknow, when you're when you're
you're having a moment with yourdaughter, she's talking to you.
So, yes, I'm way more in touchwith them. Expressing them is
still, I would say, the journeyI'm still at. It's really hard
to express the love andhappiness I'm feeling, like I'm
feeling it, but I don't know howto express it to you. So I'm
(23:34):
still working on that one. Yeah,and just like I talk about, you
know, you got to write it out. Iwork on that like, I have to,
like, write it, and I think thatwill eventually lead to
verbally, being able toexperience it.
Unknown (23:47):
I really appreciate you sharing that, because this is,
it's a lifelong process, andthat re parenting work that you
did with your inner child, andgetting into relationship with
that part brings so muchhealing. But when you grow up in
an environment where there's nosafety ever and it's never safe
(24:07):
to express any feelings and geta loving, caring response for
doing so, you know it's no smallorder to recondition that into
expression, right? It's, itreally does. It's a lifelong
journey. So I think that'sreally important for people to
understand. I
Alreen Haegquist (24:27):
know, and I think, you know, in our culture,
right, everything's instant. Weexpect immediate results, and we
want everything to be fixedright away. And I was definitely
in that place. But like justaccepting the fact it's just a
journey, and there's no endpoint. You're just going to
continuously improve and getbetter throughout your life,
right? And there's always goingto be moments that you might
feel a little stuck. You'relike, Okay, I'm going to work
(24:48):
through this one, but justhaving the awareness that you're
even going through that you knowis really going to propel you to
the next, next stage of yourlife. So,
Unknown (24:57):
100% Yeah. So, so tell us. About, like, how you've
taken this personal story intoyour work, and the kind of work
that you do, the kind of womenyou work with, and I can't
imagine how fulfilling this isin terms of, like, this feels
like a real mission as opposedto just a job. Yeah, yes, for
Alreen Haegquist (25:18):
sure. So you know, now I really understand.
So when my clients come in, youknow, they have to, you know,
tell their story, right and andthen I gotta prepare them to
possibly be cross examined aboutit right, like they're going to
be telling their story and begoing into the courtroom where
somebody's going to be callingthem liars, you know, telling
them it never happened. And likebeing getting them prepared for
(25:40):
that, and helping them to knowthat this is kind of what's
normal, like this is whateverybody on the other side
does. And I think by me knowinghow that feels, right, by
letting out my story, goingthrough the emotions of speaking
it out. For me, I didn't have tobe cross examined about it, but
for me, it was letting it outwhen my family may not have
(26:01):
wanted the secret out, right? Sogoing through those emotions
with my family, I can relate tohow they're what they're
experiencing, of, you know,sharing a story with, you know,
their spouse who didn't know,or, you know, I've never told my
dad, or, you know, my workpeople didn't know. So just, I
think I'm able to relate tothem, unlike a lot of other
lawyers, because I've gonethrough the process, and I can
say, Yes, I can understand thosefeelings, but it's going to be
(26:25):
okay. And these are the reasonswhy are
Unknown (26:27):
these primarily sexual abuse cases, or there's like,
some company stuff too, right?
Yeah,
Alreen Haegquist (26:33):
let me just explain the work that I do. So
when you've been sexuallyassaulted, right? So it could be
in the workplace, or it could beout in public, okay? You can
bring two types of cases. Youcan bring a criminal case, and
that is where the prosecutor,you know, and the and the goal
there is to get the person finedor imprisoned, okay? And then
there's the civil lawsuits,where at the end of the day,
(26:54):
you're seeking money, and moneyis how you're going to get
justice as to what happened toyou. And so I work in the civil
arena. The primary women Irepresent are women in the
workplace and then also outside,like if you've gone to your
doctor or your dentist or one ofyou know an institution has
sexually assaulted you cases aswell. But at the end of the day
for us, we're seeking money forthe harm that you experience,
(27:17):
and primarily because we allknow that when you've
experienced some sort of sexualabuse and sexual trauma, you're
going to need some mental healthcare, right? Like that. It
leaves consequences, and it'ssuch a prevalent issue, but
there's so many consequences,and so our goal is to get you
money so you can get the helpthat you need, so you can heal
from what what occurred. And soin the civil arena, the women
(27:38):
that come to me right now, we'vethis is another area that gets
me really fired up, especiallybecause I have a daughter who's,
you know about to turn 13, isyoung girls entering the
workplace, right? And you knowyou're a high school student,
you're going to get your firstjob and making sure they know
their rights and what's allowedand not allowed in the
(27:59):
workplace, right? Because ifthey don't have anybody to talk
to or anybody to go to, there'sthis void of what's happening.
And if they really, you know,they need to make money for
whatever it might be, or theydon't want to disappoint their
parents, they're just not sayinganything. They're just going to
work and expecting this is howit is. And so we do a lot of
work to make sure we can, youknow, go into the high schools
(28:19):
that will allow us to teach thekids of what's appropriate in
the workplace, so that what theyhave their first job, they know
what to expect. And then, two,you know, if, if these students
are coming to us because theyhad a bad experience, we want to
make sure we go against thosecompanies to let them know that,
you know, you need to have abetter workforce like this is
that's incredible.
Unknown (28:39):
That's great. And so it's so incredible because
you're right back in the day. Imean, I'm just even thinking
back to when I was young. Therewas so little discussion, and so
many abusive behaviors werenormalized. There was nobody
paying attention to those thingsthat I can remember in my
(29:01):
childhood or talking about them,
Alreen Haegquist (29:05):
yes. And so we want to change that. So not
only, like, make sure, you know,as a 13 year old going into that
situation, but also, you know,the places that allow this,
like, if you're going to allow,there's going to be consequences
to it, right? Because it's notallowed, from like, a legal
standpoint, it's not allowed.
And so we just want to make surewe're enforcing the the laws
around it. So that's what we do.
(29:25):
Schools like those are hot, nothot, but yes, big areas where it
happens, even though you want tobelieve it's not right, it's
happening. Yeah, yeah. Andhaving being able to have that
conversation, right? Becauseeven, like, with my daughter,
you know, I look at her and Ithink she's such a little baby,
right? But, yeah, she's going tobe 13, and this is what she's
(29:45):
going to be experiencing. Solike being able to have that
conversation with her, these arethings that are happening. How
would you handle the situation?
You know it's happening. Youknow you don't need to go into
classroom with the teacher andhave the door closed, right,
right? You don't need to go intosituation. Where you're alone,
teachers shouldn't be puttingtheir hands on you, you know.
And if that happens, what wouldyou do? Right? And we have to be
comfortable enough to be havingthese conversations with our
(30:07):
kids. And if some parents youknow aren't you know, then I
think the duties of you know theschools, or, like I said, we're
trying to do it by going intothe schools, if they'll allow
us. We haven't had much luckwith the public schools, but the
private schools you know, dolike, want that information to
their students. So
Unknown (30:25):
do you find yourself being like, overprotective, like
having a daughter? Does it makeyou like? I have friends that
are like, we're never going tosend our kids to summer camp.
This is never going to happen.
Sleepovers are never going tohappen. I know
Alreen Haegquist (30:38):
I I feel like I think that, and I have that,
but then I also know I can't,like, control it that way. I
think having the conversationwith her so she's prepared to be
in those situations, I think I'mgoing to do a better job if I
have that, because eventuallyshe's going to leave me.
Eventually I will not be able toprotect her and make her manage
(30:59):
her life. Yeah, yeah, yes. So,you know, there is this, well,
they're the adult, they're theteacher. I have to listen to
them. And it's like, not always,right, right? Always. Have to
listen to them, right?
Colette Fehr (31:10):
You don't have to betray your own instincts.
Correct? Exactly,
Alreen Haegquist (31:13):
listen to your gut, which is what I always tell
my daughter. If that's makingyou feel uncomfortable, then it
probably is, and it's okay, youknow? It's okay, right? Don't do
it, you know. And
Colette Fehr (31:22):
it's okay to speak up when you're uncomfortable,
Alreen Haegquist (31:24):
exactly, and Bobby will support you. If you
get in trouble, I'll be there.
Don't worry, you know, exactly.
But yeah, she's very worriedabout getting in trouble. And
I'm like, You're not going toget in trouble, you know. And if
there is any consequence, I'llbe there to support you, yeah.
Unknown (31:38):
Oh, I love that. And I love how you're you're dealing
with this on both ends, right?
Really empowering individuals,and also trying to change the
systems, the way we handle thesethings, what we normalize. It's
such important work that you'redoing, and I'm just so glad that
people are out there doing this,people like you. Oh, thank you.
And also so many younger people,if they haven't experienced
(32:01):
anything aversive with someone,there's also just an innocence
to it. They don't know what.
They don't know about what canhappen and how important it is
to be educated and protectyourself.
Alreen Haegquist (32:16):
I totally agree. You know, we're not
trying to put our kids intothose situations, but at the
same time, trying to teach themabout those situations, right?
Came up with me recently, youknow, she couldn't understand,
you know, why she's not allowedto chat with people online, you
know? And she's like, well, youknow, blah, blah, blah is doing
it. And I'm like, well, that'sokay. I don't want you to do
(32:37):
this, because you don't knowwho's on the other end, right?
There's a group that pretend tobe a kid, just so they can start
having conversations with you.
And we don't need that, like youhave plenty of friends, right?
We don't need to haveconversations with people we
don't know. So exactly. So justkind of, I think having them
understand the why that we mightbe, you know, being over
productive or not letting themdo something, I think really
(32:57):
helps. Because after that, shewas like, okay with it, you
know,
Unknown (33:03):
yeah, you quoted that one in two women experience
abuse. More than 50% of womenexperience sexual abuse, and
more than 33% of men experiencesexual abuse. And I hope I'm
getting the statistics right?
Please correct me if I'm not.
Yeah, I mean, so this is
Alreen Haegquist (33:25):
and I think it's under reported. I don't
even think those numbers
Unknown (33:31):
are actually right.
This is a pervasive experience,and no one walks around with a
sign around their neck sayingthey've experienced sexual
abuse. It's so much more common.
We know this as therapists. Youknow this through the work you
do, but the average persondoesn't realize. One if you're
experiencing or have experiencedthis, not only are you not
(33:51):
alone, but you're really in themajority. Men are experiencing
this more than people have anyidea, often and most commonly,
it's happening with familymembers or somebody close to
you. And so we need tounderstand this. We need to be
talking about it. And I'mwondering, when somebody has
(34:13):
experienced this, or isexperiencing this, what would
you say to our listeners aboutstarting on this journey toward
empowering yourself and healing.
Like, what are the first stepsin your mind? To me,
Alreen Haegquist (34:28):
the first step is really acknowledging that it
happened. And we talked aboutthis earlier on the podcast,
right? Like, stop tellingyourself it didn't happen, that
you need to get over it. Youknow, like you want to forget
about it, and I know you wantthat, but the first step is
really acknowledging that thisevent happened. And then I
always tell people, like, justwrite it down. Like, just
(34:49):
whatever goes on, what's goingon in there, about that event
and moment in that experience,just start writing it down. Like
you have to let it out. And Ithink until you let it out, it's
it. You've. Then acknowledged itto yourself, like this happened.
You know, some people are ableto tell a friend or somebody
that they know, but a lot of usaren't. And so I always say,
just write it down and journalit. And I think that it's going
(35:12):
to get you, you know, on a pathto take the next step. And so I
think for for women who are init and haven't really
acknowledged it, taking thatfirst step and seeing where it
takes them. And I know it's kindof what you're talking about
earlier, is like, you don't wantto you don't want to relive it.
I don't want to feel a pain. Idon't want to think about what
happened to me. But I think bytaking that first step, you'll
(35:34):
see how you can, like, advanceto where you want to
Unknown (35:37):
be. Can I ask you, though, like, what, what is the
fallout with family? Like, Imean, is, is everybody else,
like, you have a lot of sisters,are they, like, open to talking
about this and acknowledging itdoes? How does, I don't know if
your mom and your dad are stillalive, but, like, how does it
all fall out? You're tellingthis truth.
Alreen Haegquist (35:58):
So my dad passed maybe, like, 13 years
ago. So my dad's gone, my mom'sstill alive, and my mom has done
exactly what she's done my wholelife, which is, like, we're just
not going to talk about it,like, you know, in my, my mom's
world, you know, he was a goodfather, and, you know, there was
part I'm not saying he heeverything he did in his life
was horrible. I'm just saying,you know, the way he talked to
(36:20):
us, and the things that he didwasn't appropriate or he
shouldn't have done. But in mymom's mind, you know, he didn't
kick us out, he provided for us.
And she says this, like, well,everybody has problems, right?
Everybody does bad things.
Nobody's perfect. And it's like,I know, but like, can you just
acknowledge what he did? Was it,right? You know? And he
shouldn't have done thosethings, and I maybe should have
(36:40):
said something when it washappening to you. I wish I would
have protected you from it,right? She can't get there. And
so with my mom, now, she doesn'treally speak English, you know,
she speaks Urdu, so we don'treally talk about it. And I'm
not expecting anything more fromher, right? Because that's what
she's done my whole life. So,and I'm okay with that. With my
siblings, you know, some of themare like, upset that I've made
(37:04):
this public, right? Because theydon't understand why I needed to
let it out, right? Like, weeverything was fine, everybody
was functional. You're lettingout, like, what I call, like,
the family secret, right? Peoplehad an idea of who we were, and
you've now opened up it to theworld to hear and see it, see
it. So some of them aren't realhappy with it. You know, what I
(37:25):
I believe is that I think it'sgoing to take time. You know,
I've been working on this for along time. I've had a lot of
tools to address, you know, whathappened to us and my siblings?
I even though it's my story, youknow, I've pressed it on them. I
pushed it on them to, like, dosomething about right, like they
weren't. They didn't get tochoose the time when they were
(37:46):
ready to let it out. And let itout for them. I didn't know how
else to do it. I didn't know howelse to tell my story without,
you know, essentially telling apiece of theirs. But that's how
it's been with the family. Somepeople are still really upset
and not understanding why I needto let it out. I mean, my book
came out in the fall of 23 andso I had last year was, it was a
(38:07):
hard year, you know, becausedespite my family, you know, we
did have get together. So I wasinvited to less things, you
know, and there's been lesscommunication with some of them.
But I am telling myself, andI've come to peace with it is
that it requires time. So eventhough it's been a year, it's
really not that long when Ithink about the fact that I've
been on this journey for, youknow, over a decade, right? And
(38:29):
so, like, I gotta give themtime. And then I've had a lot of
nieces and nephews, you know,who never knew about our family
story, right? All the the nextgeneration who had no idea why
their parents, you know, behavedthe way they did, and so I've
had them thanked me, you know,for shedding a light on how
their parents grew up, right?
And why they might be showing upthe way they are at their home,
right? You know, for me, Iwanted to, like I said earlier,
(38:51):
like, wanted to do somethingdifferent for my daughter, like
I wanted to stop thegenerational trauma, because
that's the thing it does. Youpass things on of how I was
going to show up, and I didn'twant to do that to her. I think
the nieces and nephews can kindof get an understanding of, hey,
this is why my parents, youknow, were rageful at these
moments. Or right? A little bitmore perspective, right?
Unknown (39:15):
And you know, it the only two big things I hear you
saying as themes that are sotrue. Are, first of all, the
theme that we know you're onlyas sick as your secrets, right?
Secrets are so unhealthy inevery way they manifest in the
body. They destroyrelationships. They're passed
down to successive generations.
And that also the only way outis through. You have to really
(39:38):
to heal, you have to confrontand acknowledge, and that's
where it starts,
Alreen Haegquist (39:46):
for sure. And with respect to the secret
piece, you know, it's like, Whoare you trying to protect? I
think finally, understandingthat, like the only person the
secret is affecting is you,right? Like you are only harming
yourself. By keeping it, youknow, and it's hard because it's
different, it's change, right?
And change is hard.
Unknown (40:07):
Well, what comes up for me when you say that is, like,
Who is it affecting? Like, youknow, it's like, it's the
family's idea of itself, right?
Like, it's very hard tochallenge a family's idea of
itself, like, and I think thatpeople are so tempted to protect
that, yeah, you know,true, yeah, yeah.
Well, and also, I'll read youtalked about how the way your
(40:30):
mother was raised, and thecultural impact of, you know,
the husband is seen as God. HisWord is God, exactly. And I love
this stood out for me in what Iread in your book, when you
said, you know, the way mymother saw herself was that it's
as if she was a goat untied fromher father and passed over to
(40:53):
her husband, yeah,
Alreen Haegquist (40:54):
and that's how she would describe herself. You
know, Have you
Unknown (40:58):
forgiven your mother, or or, or something
Alreen Haegquist (41:04):
with it. Maybe they're just accepted for it,
for what it is, right? Acceptedher, and, you know, I love her.
I still talk to her. I've justaccepted her for who she is. And
like, like, the if gone workthrough this with therapy too,
right? It's like the death ofthe mother that I always wanted,
right? Like, she's never goingto be that, and I can't expect
(41:25):
that from her. I definitely did,you know, I definitely tried to
change her and, like, you know,put her in the role that I
wanted, but that wasn't going tohappen, you know. And just, I
think, just accepting that, theforgiveness piece, I've never
really thought about it, justbecause it's, I didn't really
feel like she had anything Ineeded to forgive her for
anything. For me, it was justlike just accepting the mother
(41:45):
that she was Yeah, and I'vedefinitely done that
Unknown (41:49):
yeah and acceptance is more powerful, really. It's
coming to terms with what isyes and that you
get to create something new withyour family, exactly a real
gift.
Alreen Haegquist (42:01):
I get to be the mom that I want to yourself
too, yes, to myself,
Unknown (42:06):
right, to the little girl that still lives inside of
you. Yes.
Alreen Haegquist (42:10):
So created that so and I have a wonderful
relationship with my daughter.
Unknown (42:14):
You're also raising your daughter this way, and then
you're helping so many otherwomen find and use their voices,
let go of shame, not besilenced, and to get justice.
Because this is something that'shappening that people, you know,
everybody thinks, what I hearfrom people is that they think
(42:37):
it's the rare case, right? Theythink it's the rarity, and
really, if you're in a room fullof women, the reality is the
majority of that room hasexperienced, more than half have
experienced sexual abuse of somekind in their lifetime, and we
need to be able to acknowledgethat and work to eradicate it.
Alreen Haegquist (42:59):
Yep, exactly, exactly. That's why I'm here.
That's why I'm doing the workI'm doing. Well,
Unknown (43:04):
we're so appreciative that you came on today to share
your story and the work that youdo. And we I want everyone to
read your book, because it'sreally it's so beautifully
written, and I find it veryuplifting and hopeful and
empowering.
Alreen Haegquist (43:23):
Well, thank you so much. Thank you so much
for having me on the show andhaving this platform for people
to share.
Unknown (43:28):
Yeah, and before you leave us, can you share with our
listeners how they can get intouch with you, where they can
find you any links that arerelevant, and, of course,
information on your book too?
Please, sure so
Alreen Haegquist (43:40):
you can find me on my website. It's
allreen.com, a, L, R, E, E n.comand there's a link to my book
fired up, fueling triumph fromtrauma as well. So you can find
it at any available retailers,especially Amazon is a big one.
Yep,
Unknown (43:55):
wonderful. Well, thank you so much for joining us and
to our listeners. Thank you somuch for being here for this
powerful episode. If you likedwhat you heard today, and we
hope you did, please don'tforget to write a review and
share this episode with a friendfor whom this would benefit.
We're so grateful to all of youfor listening to insights from
(44:16):
the couch, and we will see younext time you
Alex, welcome back everyone to another episode of
(00:05):
insights from the couch. Today,we have a very powerful, brave
and incredible guest on alrenehayquest, motivated by the pains
of her childhood, she became alawyer in order to stand up for
victims of abuse, and foundedher own firm, hey quest and E,
C, K, L, L, P, in San Diego backin 2008 this firm has helped
(00:30):
hundreds of women stand up forthemselves, and she's challenged
high profile entities like theSalk Institute, Trader Joe's,
Kaiser Permanente, the San Diegosheriff's department and a
president elect. We won'tspeculate on who that could be,
but her message is that, as asociety, we need to break the
(00:50):
silence and help women stand upto their abusers. She is also
the author of the powerful book.
I just love. This book, firedup, fueling triumph from trauma
today, we are honored to welcomealreen. Hey, quest to insights
from the couch, and we have somuch to share about how
pervasive abusive is today, howwe need to confront it, how we
(01:14):
can do that, and how we start toget on the pathway of our own
healing. So welcome alreen,thank you so much for being
here. So maybe we could justdive right in and start with
some of your personal story. Iwas reading some of your book,
which is so well written, by theway, it's so captivating, I
really can't wait to finish thewhole thing. Thank you. Yeah,
(01:34):
you did a wonderful job with it.
And as you know, the personalstory is what really brings it
all to life and your mission, ofcourse, but maybe you could even
start with a little bit of thebackground culturally, what your
mom went through with anarranged marriage, and how that
(01:56):
shaped the messages you got. Asyou share with us, maybe as much
of your personal story as you'recomfortable with. Sure,
Alreen Haegquist (02:04):
I was born in Karachi, Pakistan, and I'm the
youngest of 10 kids, and my mom,yeah, she had an arranged
marriage when she was 16, and mydad wanted a big family. So by
the age of 17, she had her firstkid, and then just, you know,
every year, kept giving birth toanother one. And the only reason
there was really, like a pausewas because they were living in
(02:27):
Burma. My father's IndianBurmese. He was born in Burma,
and then he went to India, andhe got the arranged marriage to
my mom, brought her back toBurma. And during that time, it
was under English rule. And sothey, you know, life was great.
All was well, but the countrybecame communist, and so they
fled. And from that point, youknow, there was just trying to
(02:49):
figure out where best to land.
And so they moved to India andPakistan. And during that time,
you know, had three more kids.
That's why there was gaps.
Everybody else was like a yearapart, and then there was like a
sister who was seven yearsapart, and another one that was
five years apart. Finally, fromPakistan, we ended up in the
United States. So I came herewhen I was two, and we moved to
the Los Angeles area. At thattime, there was eight kids. Two
(03:12):
had been married off already,and the rest of us grew up here.
The older ones went to work, andthe younger ones went to school.
So I started school here. Andwhen you're growing up, you
don't really know, you know thedifference between what your
home and another person's home.
So you know now and I as anadult, and can look back and see
(03:33):
the differences. You know, myhome was very abusive, like it
was verbally abusive, it wasemotionally abusive, it was
psychologically abusive, andthen we experience sexual abuse
by my father. And again, like,you don't know what's going on,
but you don't, nobody talksabout it, right? My mom's seeing
what's happening, but she's notsaying anything. You know? My
sisters know what. Like, Ididn't know. They knew what was
(03:55):
going on, but they wereexperiencing it, and they
weren't talking about it, right?
So it was, it was just becamekind of the norm. It was just
what the household was like, andI didn't know any different. But
even at a very young age, I knewI wanted something different,
like I didn't want that life,and I was able to see that from
TV shows, right for me, it wasthe Brady Bunch that was like, I
(04:16):
fantasized about living thatlife, yeah, and so that kind of,
I guess, watching that on TV wasthose are the things I prayed
and wished for as a young kid. Ijust wanted to be happy, and I
wanted a family that was veryfunctional and where your
parents talked to you and youhad conversations with them and
and so I had that. And thengrowing up, I learned when I was
(04:40):
in high school that I could moveaway from my house if I went to
college. And so that really,like, propelled me to figure
out, like, nobody had gone tocollege here. And so figuring
out, like, you know, how do Iapply for college? How do I
apply for grants? So I spent alot of time doing that in high
school, and I. I was able tomove out of my house at 18 and
(05:01):
got away from my situation,
Unknown (05:05):
and they were supportive of letting you go.
Well, yeah, because
Alreen Haegquist (05:09):
that was a like, they were so proud, right?
They had daughter that, youknow, was going off to college,
and they could talk about it,right? Like, oh, I have a
daughter that's, you know, goingto college, and even now, like
I'm a lawyer, my mom's reallyproud of the fact that I'm a
lawyer. She has no idea what Ido, but she knows that I became
a lawyer. She's able to say, Oh,my daughter's a lawyer. So yes,
(05:30):
moving away because I was goingto college was okay. My other
sisters, you know, their way toget out of the house was getting
married, right? And so we eachkind of found our way to get out
of the situation. For me, Idiscovered that I could do it by
going to college, and that's howI did my sister above me. I
mean, she just ran away and shelived with another family, and
(05:50):
then the other three sisters,no, four sisters all got
married, and that's how theymoved out of the house. So we
all kind of had our own way of
Unknown (05:58):
escaping the environment. Exactly, yeah, and
you said, so, I mean, the whatyou wrote in the book was so
powerfully evocative when youdescribed some of your
experiences being bullied atschool, like the ugly names kids
would call you for beingdifferent, and that even as bad
(06:21):
as that was, you preferredexperiencing that than being at
home,
Alreen Haegquist (06:26):
yeah, for sure. Like at school, you You
left it and you didn't have thislike, emotional connection to
them. Like at home, it was yourfather and your mother, like, I
don't know, and and you couldn'tescape it was and it was very
unpredictable, like, I didn'tknow when my dad was gonna rage
out, right? And so it was thatunpredictability of constantly,
(06:48):
kind of living in this, like,terrified state of, like, Okay,
what's he gonna do now, youknow, or what's he gonna say now
and again. You don't realizethat you're terrified, right?
Your survival instincts justkeeping it all inside, and
you're just trying to, you know,just for me, my survival was
just like, be a good kid. If I'ma good kid, you know, everything
will be all right. And so that'skind of how I, like, maintained
(07:09):
myself, you know, trying to begood, trying to be good, not
talk back, doing well in school,getting good grades, like,
right? Not having, you know, notneeding the teachers to call my
parents, you know. So just beinglike a good girl. And I thought
that if I did that, then, youknow, maybe my dad, you know,
wouldn't do the things he did.
And that, you know, wasn't true.
It had nothing to do with me andmy behavior. So, yeah, so yes,
(07:32):
despite all of the bullying atschool, school was still like a
happy place for me, because Iyou know, school came easy for
me, and so the teachers, youknow, were happy to have
somebody who's in class wholistened, who didn't talk back,
who you know, did their workand, you know, got good grades.
And so that was rewarding to me,despite, you know, the other
(07:53):
kids and me being different andbeing bullied by them. I mean,
that was the the easy part,
Unknown (07:58):
yeah, like, when does it occur to you, like, what
point in your development doesit occur to you to look back on
this childhood and go, Wow, thiswas really, really, like, not
good. And I mean, because I'massuming you're moving like a
fast, like, speed train here,like going to school, going to
(08:18):
law school, like, it's just,like, succeed, get out, you
know, make my life. What pointdoes do you get? Take the
insight and, like, look inwardand go,
Alreen Haegquist (08:29):
Hmm, it wasn't until much later, I would say,
like, when I'm, like, in my 30s,and really, when I, you know,
after I'm married and I'm I hada kid for the first time. So it
was really later on in life. Andthe reason being is, you know,
when I moved out of my house andI got to college, I was at an
all time high, like, I feltwonderful. I felt really good
(08:51):
about myself. I made really goodfriends, you know, at the time
my boyfriend, who's now myhusband, so I just like, was
fortunate to really find areally, you know, wonderful
group of people that were verysupportive. And so for me, I
thought at that time, like,well, you've left that home
environment, and things arewell, so like, you've moved on,
like, what else is there to talkabout? And I should be grateful.
(09:13):
I've gone to college, I've goneto law school, I've met good
people, and so I should be verygrateful for what I have in my
life. Why would I worry aboutwhat happened in the past. And
it wasn't until, you know,relate problems started in my
relationship with my husband,and again, I, at the time, just
thought it was him. It was allhis fault, you know, and really
(09:34):
zero self reflection on, youknow, what I brought to the
table. And it wasn't until wewent to couples counseling for
the for the first time, and youknow, he told me during that
session he was scared of me, andthat, just like that was
definitely a pivotal moment inmy life, because I didn't
realize and at the time, when Iwas like, I was becoming my
(09:54):
father, right? I was thisrageful person who would go off
on him, and I I didn't know why,and still. When he told me that
I didn't know, but I was able tobecome aware for the first time
of how I was showing up. Andthen it wasn't until I had my
daughter, like, a few yearslater. You know, people always
talk to you about, you know,this is like, the best time of
(10:15):
your life. It's so wonderful.
You're so happy. There's a babyand her cries would like, like,
pierce my skin, like I and I waslike, uncomfortable, like,
seeing her naked, like, becauseI was worried I was going to
hurt her. I was so, like,terrified of hurting her without
knowing it. And so that's whatgot me into therapy for the
first time, was when my daughterwas born, not couples
(10:37):
counseling, but just likeindividual therapy for me. And
when I got to my therapist, youknow, I was like, Alright, this
is what's happening. Like, youknow, I want to feel, you know,
when I'm around my daughter, Iwant to feel comfortable. I
don't want her cries to, youknow, Father me, I'll tell you
what happened to me when I was akid. And I think we can do this
in four sessions, you know, if Iknew every week, we'll talk
about it four times, and then Iwill be on my way. Yeah, I'll be
(11:00):
good, right? Like, what else Ilike exactly what you said
earlier, like I was on a speedtrain, like I could figure stuff
out quickly. So people said, goto therapy. Okay, I can four
sessions of therapy. That'splenty, right? And he did the
same thing. He laughed becauseit was comical to him, but I was
really serious.
Unknown (11:18):
Yeah, we hear this from clients all the time,
particularly successful, highachieving, intelligent clients
are like, I'm here. Let's get itdone. We'll chat about it good
and even
Alreen Haegquist (11:32):
Exactly. And so obviously, that's not how it
works. I still go to therapy asthings develop, but that's kind
of what started me on my journeyis I wanted to be a better mom,
and I wanted to be present formy daughter, and I wanted to
experience her as she grew up.
And so that's what really got mein, and that was really, I would
say for the first time, where Istarted connecting what happened
(11:54):
to me when I was a child wasaffecting how it was showing up
in the present, in the present,
Unknown (12:01):
yeah, yeah. And I, you know, I was gonna ask you, too,
if you're comfortable talkingabout this little I think our
listeners would love to hear theexperience you described in the
book in the introduction, aboutwhen you were in trial attorney
school and you went to thepsychodrama class, and you had
(12:23):
never because I know you'repassionate about using your
voice, which is also my passion,and so I was so excited to hear
about the way you describe that,and maybe you could share a
little bit about the epiphanythat you had and that experience
and how powerful it was for youto acknowledge what happened to
(12:43):
you, sure.
Alreen Haegquist (12:46):
So Trial Lawyers College, the idea behind
it is you can't really representother people if you don't know
yourself, right? And so it's areally a time where you get to
know your your inner workings,so that you can understand the
inner workings of your clients,and then tell their story. And
so that's kind of the purposebehind it. And the reason I went
to trial lawyers college wassame thing, not for myself, but
(13:08):
I wanted to be a better triallawyer for my clients, right?
Like for me, all the things Iwas doing was to help other
people. I wanted to be betterfor them. And so that's what got
me to trial lawyers college.
They start off, and you do awhole week, and they call it
psycho drama. And so there's atherapist, and you sit in a
group of about 10 people, andeverybody like reenacts a story,
(13:29):
whatever they might be workingthrough, and they reenact that
moment of their life. And thethe therapist you know, directs
you of all the actors, I guess,and you put yourself in your
shoes, and then you put yourselfmaybe in the harasser shoes or
the abuser shoes to recreatethat event. And so for me, you
(13:49):
know, I definitely was not goingto talk about, you know, the
abuse by my father. I was goingto talk about bullying, because
that was, like, an easy one forme to go to, like I just always
talked about, oh, I do the workI do because I was bullied as a
kid, and I don't think otherpeople should be bullied. It's a
really easy answer. Stays on thesurface. I don't gotta tell
anybody. What happened to me wasI was a kid, right? And so I
(14:11):
went into that experience doingexactly that. And the therapist,
when I was telling her about it,she just kept drawing it out.
And I don't remember exactly howshe did it, but yeah, it came
out during that psycho dramaabout how my my dad would abuse
me when I when I came home, andit wasn't just him. I had
experienced abuse by two otherfamily members, and that all
(14:33):
came out in this psycho dramaaround 10 strangers who I never
met, didn't know them, and itwas really Emo, like I just was
sobbing. I'm like, sitting onher lap with my head down,
sobbing. And how I got fromtalking about bullying to that
point, I don't know, but whatwas amazing about that
(14:55):
experience I had neververbalized the fact that. Dad
sexually abused me up until thatpoint, until then, until then. I
just
Unknown (15:05):
want to say how normal that is. Like, I think that
people think that everything isso linear, and that, like, we
carry these experiences and weunpack them, and we all we're so
in touch with everything, but ithappens like this, like happens
years later, very often, whereyou look back and you're like,
holy shit. And, you know, inthese moments like so I'm not so
(15:27):
I just want to normalize thatfor even for our listener. But
sometimes it's not even until,like many problems, that women
get back in touch with some ofthese things. But go ahead, I
don't want to interrupt. Yeah,
Alreen Haegquist (15:38):
what I had been doing the rest of the time?
No, no, I appreciate that. Thewhat I had been doing the rest
of the time was really justfinding ways to push it down,
right, like, push it away. It'snot happening. Things are good,
you know, stop complaining, andjust really finding ways to push
it aside, forget about it andpretend like it never happened,
right?
Unknown (15:56):
And I think that is what most people try to do,
because going into the painfeels counterintuitive, and you
have all this external success.
Yes, exactly, yeah. AndI'll read you talked about in
the book how being with thisgroup of strangers and having
other people open up and bevulnerable that some other
(16:18):
student in there, reenacted, Ithink you said, with a mattress
sexual abuse space. Yeah, itwas,
Alreen Haegquist (16:26):
it was her step brother, and she
experienced sex abuse with him.
And really her opening up iswhat I think led me to open up,
right? Because she wascompletely vulnerable. She
exposed this entire moment, andit was like, Well, who am I to
not open up myself? And that'skind of the whole point, right?
When other people do it, it doesallow you to open up yourself,
which is, again, why I'm sureI've shared my story, and why I
(16:49):
wrote a book about it, becauseI've learned how powerful it is
when I do it, other people cando it, and I believe until you
do it, you really can't be onthe path to heal yourself from
it and triumph from whathappened to you.
Unknown (17:03):
Yeah, as you say this part right now, I just got
goosebumps. It's so powerfulthat you're sharing your story
so that somebody else might feellike it's okay for me to
acknowledge what happened to metoo, and that there might be not
only the beginning of a pathwayto healing, but just such peace
(17:24):
and being able to say, this iswhat I endured exactly,
Alreen Haegquist (17:29):
because that's the other thing. So same thing,
like, just like before, I didn'trealize, you know, it was being
triggered, and I was angrybecause of what happened to me
in my past. The other thing thatwas going on with me was, like,
I had all these physicalailments. I had this ulcer that
wouldn't go away. And so that'sthe other part of it. Is like
connecting the fact that what'sgoing on in your physical body
also is likely related to whathappened to you in the past,
(17:52):
right? And the more you fightagainst it, it's your it's your
body, like showing the signs ofwhat happened to you. And so
that's another reason why Ithink it's so important to
acknowledge what happened andand say something about it,
right, not pretend and push itdown, because your body is going
to act up like, if you continueto do that, you're going to have
some physical manifestationsfrom it, right? Like all these
(18:15):
autoimmune disorders, there's,like, so many diseases, and it's
you have to start addressingwhat happened. Can't change it,
you know, but if you startaccepting it and acknowledging,
like feeling it, that ithappened, you're going to be
able to heal yourself from it.
So
Unknown (18:31):
yeah, we certainly see that. We did a whole episode on
anxiety and how women tend tosomaticize, and like we do, we
pull these, this kind of traumainto our body, and it lives
there until we deal with it. ButI think it's so interesting
that, you like, decided to be alawyer, right? Like this pro
social way of deal of gettingjustice, like, I'm going to
(18:52):
serve clients, and, you know, behave that function in the world
which we see people who've beentraumatized, they become
therapists, lawyers, animalrescuers, you know, children
advocates like they they'retrying to heal something through
their work. But what you'resaying too is like the real the
real change there is like, whenyou can be vulnerable about that
(19:13):
story, you actually become somuch more helpful to the to your
clients, to people listening,and it's so much it's healing
for you and for them.
Alreen Haegquist (19:25):
Totally, yeah.
I completely agree with that,yeah, and why? I think it's so
Unknown (19:29):
important, yeah, and that you had to really learn to
in order to be able to relate towhat your clients have
experienced. It's not just thesimilar experience. It's really
that you have to be in touchwith your own emotions if you're
going to be able to have empathyand understanding for anyone
else's emotions.
Alreen Haegquist (19:49):
Oh, 100% like we've all had different
experiences, but our emotionsand the feelings tied to it are
the same, right? And like,getting in touch with those, I
think, is so important, right?
Again, heal from it.
Unknown (20:00):
Right, instead of burying it, having it
somaticize. And I thought it wasjust, you know, before we move
into how women can start to havethis more empowered journey
abuse aside, you know, all thehorrific abuse that you endured,
I was really struck by somethingyou said that I hear so often as
(20:22):
a couple's therapist, that inyour household, the only emotion
that it was okay to show wasanger, and that if you emoted or
you cried, you were labeled acrier, right? This was seen as a
derogatory thing when we knowcrying is the way the body
regulates itself that you getback to baseline, through
(20:43):
sadness, through the hormonesexcreted and tears, that crying
is a beautiful normal thing, butso few people are taught that
it's okay to express a range ofemotions. So as you went on your
healing journey, I'll read, didyou learn to embrace the full
spectrum of emotions. Do youfeel more in touch with your
(21:06):
feelings now and morecommunicative about them and
your own personal relationships?
Or is that still hard? Yeah, I
Alreen Haegquist (21:13):
think it's still hard. I think I'm still on
on the path. So with respect tobeing more in touch with my
feelings, yes, 100% I'm waymore. I mean, I can feel my
heart right, like, where I don'tthink I could feel it before,
and I know that's odd to say,but I really wasn't in touch
with, like, my heart emotions.
And so for me, I reallycontribute that to doing inner
child work. This was kind ofthis long lasting, and I talk
(21:36):
about this in my book of, like,you know, the the my GI doctor,
when I was having the ulcer,kept repeatedly saying that you
need to feel your feelings. AndI was just like, so annoyed by
it, because they're like, Whatare you talking about? I'm
really, I can feel this that I'mannoyed with you. You know, I
don't know what feelings youwant me to have.
Unknown (21:57):
Is that what you had in mind? Doctor, yeah, exactly.
We've reached that, becauseyou're pissing me off.
Alreen Haegquist (22:08):
But that was really like eye opening, like
where she kept saying and Icouldn't understand what she
meant and doing in her childwork, which, for your listeners
who don't know you go back to atime when you were a child and
really get in touch with thosefeelings that you had. So for
me, it brought me back to theterrified little girl I was and
my adult self telling hereverything's going to be okay,
(22:30):
right, which is what I didn'thave when I was a kid. There was
nobody there to protect me orlet me know. You know we're
going to keep you safe andeverything's going to be okay.
Yeah, that was like, I don'tknow another, like, pivotal
moment, because there was arelease of energy that I had
never experienced before fromthat and that really got in
touch with, like, what I wasfeeling when a situation arose.
(22:52):
So for example, not only was Iwhen I'm angry, like I can
recognize when I'm angry, likemy body is turning hot, right,
like I can feel like thesymptoms in my body, or when I'm
expressing love, like when I'maround my daughter or my
husband, and there's this, like,immense amount of love. I can
feel it in my heart, you know,and how they're affecting me.
And then with respect to, like,the joy, right? Like being
(23:13):
present and feeling joyful, youknow, when you're when you're
you're having a moment with yourdaughter, she's talking to you.
So, yes, I'm way more in touchwith them. Expressing them is
still, I would say, the journeyI'm still at. It's really hard
to express the love andhappiness I'm feeling, like I'm
feeling it, but I don't know howto express it to you. So I'm
(23:34):
still working on that one. Yeah,and just like I talk about, you
know, you got to write it out. Iwork on that like, I have to,
like, write it, and I think thatwill eventually lead to
verbally, being able toexperience it.
Unknown (23:47):
I really appreciate you sharing that, because this is,
it's a lifelong process, andthat re parenting work that you
did with your inner child, andgetting into relationship with
that part brings so muchhealing. But when you grow up in
an environment where there's nosafety ever and it's never safe
(24:07):
to express any feelings and geta loving, caring response for
doing so, you know it's no smallorder to recondition that into
expression, right? It's, itreally does. It's a lifelong
journey. So I think that'sreally important for people to
understand. I
Alreen Haegquist (24:27):
know, and I think, you know, in our culture,
right, everything's instant. Weexpect immediate results, and we
want everything to be fixedright away. And I was definitely
in that place. But like justaccepting the fact it's just a
journey, and there's no endpoint. You're just going to
continuously improve and getbetter throughout your life,
right? And there's always goingto be moments that you might
feel a little stuck. You'relike, Okay, I'm going to work
(24:48):
through this one, but justhaving the awareness that you're
even going through that you knowis really going to propel you to
the next, next stage of yourlife. So,
Unknown (24:57):
100% Yeah. So, so tell us. About, like, how you've
taken this personal story intoyour work, and the kind of work
that you do, the kind of womenyou work with, and I can't
imagine how fulfilling this isin terms of, like, this feels
like a real mission as opposedto just a job. Yeah, yes, for
Alreen Haegquist (25:18):
sure. So you know, now I really understand.
So when my clients come in, youknow, they have to, you know,
tell their story, right and andthen I gotta prepare them to
possibly be cross examined aboutit right, like they're going to
be telling their story and begoing into the courtroom where
somebody's going to be callingthem liars, you know, telling
them it never happened. And likebeing getting them prepared for
(25:40):
that, and helping them to knowthat this is kind of what's
normal, like this is whateverybody on the other side
does. And I think by me knowinghow that feels, right, by
letting out my story, goingthrough the emotions of speaking
it out. For me, I didn't have tobe cross examined about it, but
for me, it was letting it outwhen my family may not have
(26:01):
wanted the secret out, right? Sogoing through those emotions
with my family, I can relate tohow they're what they're
experiencing, of, you know,sharing a story with, you know,
their spouse who didn't know,or, you know, I've never told my
dad, or, you know, my workpeople didn't know. So just, I
think I'm able to relate tothem, unlike a lot of other
lawyers, because I've gonethrough the process, and I can
say, Yes, I can understand thosefeelings, but it's going to be
(26:25):
okay. And these are the reasonswhy are
Unknown (26:27):
these primarily sexual abuse cases, or there's like,
some company stuff too, right?
Yeah,
Alreen Haegquist (26:33):
let me just explain the work that I do. So
when you've been sexuallyassaulted, right? So it could be
in the workplace, or it could beout in public, okay? You can
bring two types of cases. Youcan bring a criminal case, and
that is where the prosecutor,you know, and the and the goal
there is to get the person finedor imprisoned, okay? And then
there's the civil lawsuits,where at the end of the day,
(26:54):
you're seeking money, and moneyis how you're going to get
justice as to what happened toyou. And so I work in the civil
arena. The primary women Irepresent are women in the
workplace and then also outside,like if you've gone to your
doctor or your dentist or one ofyou know an institution has
sexually assaulted you cases aswell. But at the end of the day
for us, we're seeking money forthe harm that you experience,
(27:17):
and primarily because we allknow that when you've
experienced some sort of sexualabuse and sexual trauma, you're
going to need some mental healthcare, right? Like that. It
leaves consequences, and it'ssuch a prevalent issue, but
there's so many consequences,and so our goal is to get you
money so you can get the helpthat you need, so you can heal
from what what occurred. And soin the civil arena, the women
(27:38):
that come to me right now, we'vethis is another area that gets
me really fired up, especiallybecause I have a daughter who's,
you know about to turn 13, isyoung girls entering the
workplace, right? And you knowyou're a high school student,
you're going to get your firstjob and making sure they know
their rights and what's allowedand not allowed in the
(27:59):
workplace, right? Because ifthey don't have anybody to talk
to or anybody to go to, there'sthis void of what's happening.
And if they really, you know,they need to make money for
whatever it might be, or theydon't want to disappoint their
parents, they're just not sayinganything. They're just going to
work and expecting this is howit is. And so we do a lot of
work to make sure we can, youknow, go into the high schools
(28:19):
that will allow us to teach thekids of what's appropriate in
the workplace, so that what theyhave their first job, they know
what to expect. And then, two,you know, if, if these students
are coming to us because theyhad a bad experience, we want to
make sure we go against thosecompanies to let them know that,
you know, you need to have abetter workforce like this is
that's incredible.
Unknown (28:39):
That's great. And so it's so incredible because
you're right back in the day. Imean, I'm just even thinking
back to when I was young. Therewas so little discussion, and so
many abusive behaviors werenormalized. There was nobody
paying attention to those thingsthat I can remember in my
(29:01):
childhood or talking about them,
Alreen Haegquist (29:05):
yes. And so we want to change that. So not
only, like, make sure, you know,as a 13 year old going into that
situation, but also, you know,the places that allow this,
like, if you're going to allow,there's going to be consequences
to it, right? Because it's notallowed, from like, a legal
standpoint, it's not allowed.
And so we just want to make surewe're enforcing the the laws
around it. So that's what we do.
(29:25):
Schools like those are hot, nothot, but yes, big areas where it
happens, even though you want tobelieve it's not right, it's
happening. Yeah, yeah. Andhaving being able to have that
conversation, right? Becauseeven, like, with my daughter,
you know, I look at her and Ithink she's such a little baby,
right? But, yeah, she's going tobe 13, and this is what she's
(29:45):
going to be experiencing. Solike being able to have that
conversation with her, these arethings that are happening. How
would you handle the situation?
You know it's happening. Youknow you don't need to go into
classroom with the teacher andhave the door closed, right,
right? You don't need to go intosituation. Where you're alone,
teachers shouldn't be puttingtheir hands on you, you know.
And if that happens, what wouldyou do? Right? And we have to be
comfortable enough to be havingthese conversations with our
(30:07):
kids. And if some parents youknow aren't you know, then I
think the duties of you know theschools, or, like I said, we're
trying to do it by going intothe schools, if they'll allow
us. We haven't had much luckwith the public schools, but the
private schools you know, dolike, want that information to
their students. So
Unknown (30:25):
do you find yourself being like, overprotective, like
having a daughter? Does it makeyou like? I have friends that
are like, we're never going tosend our kids to summer camp.
This is never going to happen.
Sleepovers are never going tohappen. I know
Alreen Haegquist (30:38):
I I feel like I think that, and I have that,
but then I also know I can't,like, control it that way. I
think having the conversationwith her so she's prepared to be
in those situations, I think I'mgoing to do a better job if I
have that, because eventuallyshe's going to leave me.
Eventually I will not be able toprotect her and make her manage
(30:59):
her life. Yeah, yeah, yes. So,you know, there is this, well,
they're the adult, they're theteacher. I have to listen to
them. And it's like, not always,right, right? Always. Have to
listen to them, right?
Colette Fehr (31:10):
You don't have to betray your own instincts.
Correct? Exactly,
Alreen Haegquist (31:13):
listen to your gut, which is what I always tell
my daughter. If that's makingyou feel uncomfortable, then it
probably is, and it's okay, youknow? It's okay, right? Don't do
it, you know. And
Colette Fehr (31:22):
it's okay to speak up when you're uncomfortable,
Alreen Haegquist (31:24):
exactly, and Bobby will support you. If you
get in trouble, I'll be there.
Don't worry, you know, exactly.
But yeah, she's very worriedabout getting in trouble. And
I'm like, You're not going toget in trouble, you know. And if
there is any consequence, I'llbe there to support you, yeah.
Unknown (31:38):
Oh, I love that. And I love how you're you're dealing
with this on both ends, right?
Really empowering individuals,and also trying to change the
systems, the way we handle thesethings, what we normalize. It's
such important work that you'redoing, and I'm just so glad that
people are out there doing this,people like you. Oh, thank you.
And also so many younger people,if they haven't experienced
(32:01):
anything aversive with someone,there's also just an innocence
to it. They don't know what.
They don't know about what canhappen and how important it is
to be educated and protectyourself.
Alreen Haegquist (32:16):
I totally agree. You know, we're not
trying to put our kids intothose situations, but at the
same time, trying to teach themabout those situations, right?
Came up with me recently, youknow, she couldn't understand,
you know, why she's not allowedto chat with people online, you
know? And she's like, well, youknow, blah, blah, blah is doing
it. And I'm like, well, that'sokay. I don't want you to do
(32:37):
this, because you don't knowwho's on the other end, right?
There's a group that pretend tobe a kid, just so they can start
having conversations with you.
And we don't need that, like youhave plenty of friends, right?
We don't need to haveconversations with people we
don't know. So exactly. So justkind of, I think having them
understand the why that we mightbe, you know, being over
productive or not letting themdo something, I think really
(32:57):
helps. Because after that, shewas like, okay with it, you
know,
Unknown (33:03):
yeah, you quoted that one in two women experience
abuse. More than 50% of womenexperience sexual abuse, and
more than 33% of men experiencesexual abuse. And I hope I'm
getting the statistics right?
Please correct me if I'm not.
Yeah, I mean, so this is
Alreen Haegquist (33:25):
and I think it's under reported. I don't
even think those numbers
Unknown (33:31):
are actually right.
This is a pervasive experience,and no one walks around with a
sign around their neck sayingthey've experienced sexual
abuse. It's so much more common.
We know this as therapists. Youknow this through the work you
do, but the average persondoesn't realize. One if you're
experiencing or have experiencedthis, not only are you not
(33:51):
alone, but you're really in themajority. Men are experiencing
this more than people have anyidea, often and most commonly,
it's happening with familymembers or somebody close to
you. And so we need tounderstand this. We need to be
talking about it. And I'mwondering, when somebody has
(34:13):
experienced this, or isexperiencing this, what would
you say to our listeners aboutstarting on this journey toward
empowering yourself and healing.
Like, what are the first stepsin your mind? To me,
Alreen Haegquist (34:28):
the first step is really acknowledging that it
happened. And we talked aboutthis earlier on the podcast,
right? Like, stop tellingyourself it didn't happen, that
you need to get over it. Youknow, like you want to forget
about it, and I know you wantthat, but the first step is
really acknowledging that thisevent happened. And then I
always tell people, like, justwrite it down. Like, just
(34:49):
whatever goes on, what's goingon in there, about that event
and moment in that experience,just start writing it down. Like
you have to let it out. And Ithink until you let it out, it's
it. You've. Then acknowledged itto yourself, like this happened.
You know, some people are ableto tell a friend or somebody
that they know, but a lot of usaren't. And so I always say,
just write it down and journalit. And I think that it's going
(35:12):
to get you, you know, on a pathto take the next step. And so I
think for for women who are init and haven't really
acknowledged it, taking thatfirst step and seeing where it
takes them. And I know it's kindof what you're talking about
earlier, is like, you don't wantto you don't want to relive it.
I don't want to feel a pain. Idon't want to think about what
happened to me. But I think bytaking that first step, you'll
(35:34):
see how you can, like, advanceto where you want to
Unknown (35:37):
be. Can I ask you, though, like, what, what is the
fallout with family? Like, Imean, is, is everybody else,
like, you have a lot of sisters,are they, like, open to talking
about this and acknowledging itdoes? How does, I don't know if
your mom and your dad are stillalive, but, like, how does it
all fall out? You're tellingthis truth.
Alreen Haegquist (35:58):
So my dad passed maybe, like, 13 years
ago. So my dad's gone, my mom'sstill alive, and my mom has done
exactly what she's done my wholelife, which is, like, we're just
not going to talk about it,like, you know, in my, my mom's
world, you know, he was a goodfather, and, you know, there was
part I'm not saying he heeverything he did in his life
was horrible. I'm just saying,you know, the way he talked to
(36:20):
us, and the things that he didwasn't appropriate or he
shouldn't have done. But in mymom's mind, you know, he didn't
kick us out, he provided for us.
And she says this, like, well,everybody has problems, right?
Everybody does bad things.
Nobody's perfect. And it's like,I know, but like, can you just
acknowledge what he did? Was it,right? You know? And he
shouldn't have done thosethings, and I maybe should have
(36:40):
said something when it washappening to you. I wish I would
have protected you from it,right? She can't get there. And
so with my mom, now, she doesn'treally speak English, you know,
she speaks Urdu, so we don'treally talk about it. And I'm
not expecting anything more fromher, right? Because that's what
she's done my whole life. So,and I'm okay with that. With my
siblings, you know, some of themare like, upset that I've made
(37:04):
this public, right? Because theydon't understand why I needed to
let it out, right? Like, weeverything was fine, everybody
was functional. You're lettingout, like, what I call, like,
the family secret, right? Peoplehad an idea of who we were, and
you've now opened up it to theworld to hear and see it, see
it. So some of them aren't realhappy with it. You know, what I
(37:25):
I believe is that I think it'sgoing to take time. You know,
I've been working on this for along time. I've had a lot of
tools to address, you know, whathappened to us and my siblings?
I even though it's my story, youknow, I've pressed it on them. I
pushed it on them to, like, dosomething about right, like they
weren't. They didn't get tochoose the time when they were
(37:46):
ready to let it out. And let itout for them. I didn't know how
else to do it. I didn't know howelse to tell my story without,
you know, essentially telling apiece of theirs. But that's how
it's been with the family. Somepeople are still really upset
and not understanding why I needto let it out. I mean, my book
came out in the fall of 23 andso I had last year was, it was a
(38:07):
hard year, you know, becausedespite my family, you know, we
did have get together. So I wasinvited to less things, you
know, and there's been lesscommunication with some of them.
But I am telling myself, andI've come to peace with it is
that it requires time. So eventhough it's been a year, it's
really not that long when Ithink about the fact that I've
been on this journey for, youknow, over a decade, right? And
(38:29):
so, like, I gotta give themtime. And then I've had a lot of
nieces and nephews, you know,who never knew about our family
story, right? All the the nextgeneration who had no idea why
their parents, you know, behavedthe way they did, and so I've
had them thanked me, you know,for shedding a light on how
their parents grew up, right?
And why they might be showing upthe way they are at their home,
right? You know, for me, Iwanted to, like I said earlier,
(38:51):
like, wanted to do somethingdifferent for my daughter, like
I wanted to stop thegenerational trauma, because
that's the thing it does. Youpass things on of how I was
going to show up, and I didn'twant to do that to her. I think
the nieces and nephews can kindof get an understanding of, hey,
this is why my parents, youknow, were rageful at these
moments. Or right? A little bitmore perspective, right?
Unknown (39:15):
And you know, it the only two big things I hear you
saying as themes that are sotrue. Are, first of all, the
theme that we know you're onlyas sick as your secrets, right?
Secrets are so unhealthy inevery way they manifest in the
body. They destroyrelationships. They're passed
down to successive generations.
And that also the only way outis through. You have to really
(39:38):
to heal, you have to confrontand acknowledge, and that's
where it starts,
Alreen Haegquist (39:46):
for sure. And with respect to the secret
piece, you know, it's like, Whoare you trying to protect? I
think finally, understandingthat, like the only person the
secret is affecting is you,right? Like you are only harming
yourself. By keeping it, youknow, and it's hard because it's
different, it's change, right?
And change is hard.
Unknown (40:07):
Well, what comes up for me when you say that is, like,
Who is it affecting? Like, youknow, it's like, it's the
family's idea of itself, right?
Like, it's very hard tochallenge a family's idea of
itself, like, and I think thatpeople are so tempted to protect
that, yeah, you know,true, yeah, yeah.
Well, and also, I'll read youtalked about how the way your
(40:30):
mother was raised, and thecultural impact of, you know,
the husband is seen as God. HisWord is God, exactly. And I love
this stood out for me in what Iread in your book, when you
said, you know, the way mymother saw herself was that it's
as if she was a goat untied fromher father and passed over to
(40:53):
her husband, yeah,
Alreen Haegquist (40:54):
and that's how she would describe herself. You
know, Have you
Unknown (40:58):
forgiven your mother, or or, or something
Alreen Haegquist (41:04):
with it. Maybe they're just accepted for it,
for what it is, right? Acceptedher, and, you know, I love her.
I still talk to her. I've justaccepted her for who she is. And
like, like, the if gone workthrough this with therapy too,
right? It's like the death ofthe mother that I always wanted,
right? Like, she's never goingto be that, and I can't expect
(41:25):
that from her. I definitely did,you know, I definitely tried to
change her and, like, you know,put her in the role that I
wanted, but that wasn't going tohappen, you know. And just, I
think, just accepting that, theforgiveness piece, I've never
really thought about it, justbecause it's, I didn't really
feel like she had anything Ineeded to forgive her for
anything. For me, it was justlike just accepting the mother
(41:45):
that she was Yeah, and I'vedefinitely done that
Unknown (41:49):
yeah and acceptance is more powerful, really. It's
coming to terms with what isyes and that you
get to create something new withyour family, exactly a real
gift.
Alreen Haegquist (42:01):
I get to be the mom that I want to yourself
too, yes, to myself,
Unknown (42:06):
right, to the little girl that still lives inside of
you. Yes.
Alreen Haegquist (42:10):
So created that so and I have a wonderful
relationship with my daughter.
Unknown (42:14):
You're also raising your daughter this way, and then
you're helping so many otherwomen find and use their voices,
let go of shame, not besilenced, and to get justice.
Because this is something that'shappening that people, you know,
everybody thinks, what I hearfrom people is that they think
(42:37):
it's the rare case, right? Theythink it's the rarity, and
really, if you're in a room fullof women, the reality is the
majority of that room hasexperienced, more than half have
experienced sexual abuse of somekind in their lifetime, and we
need to be able to acknowledgethat and work to eradicate it.
Alreen Haegquist (42:59):
Yep, exactly, exactly. That's why I'm here.
That's why I'm doing the workI'm doing. Well,
Unknown (43:04):
we're so appreciative that you came on today to share
your story and the work that youdo. And we I want everyone to
read your book, because it'sreally it's so beautifully
written, and I find it veryuplifting and hopeful and
empowering.
Alreen Haegquist (43:23):
Well, thank you so much. Thank you so much
for having me on the show andhaving this platform for people
to share.
Unknown (43:28):
Yeah, and before you leave us, can you share with our
listeners how they can get intouch with you, where they can
find you any links that arerelevant, and, of course,
information on your book too?
Please, sure so
Alreen Haegquist (43:40):
you can find me on my website. It's
allreen.com, a, L, R, E, E n.comand there's a link to my book
fired up, fueling triumph fromtrauma as well. So you can find
it at any available retailers,especially Amazon is a big one.
Yep,
Unknown (43:55):
wonderful. Well, thank you so much for joining us and
to our listeners. Thank you somuch for being here for this
powerful episode. If you likedwhat you heard today, and we
hope you did, please don'tforget to write a review and
share this episode with a friendfor whom this would benefit.
We're so grateful to all of youfor listening to insights from
(44:16):
the couch, and we will see younext time you
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