The US Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB) just released an emergency hymn to be sung at all Novus Ordo Masses this weekend. Composed by Marty Haugen and based on an old hymn from the labor movement a century ago “Which Side Are You On”, the hymn, according to USCCB spokesman Bishop Sam Brown, “reminds us all of the fact that we need to resist the Department of Government Efficiency with all our karma, body, and soul.”
“Obviously, the administration is fascist and anti-synodal. Obviously, they’re all hateful bigots. And most importantly, D.O.G.E., Trump, Musk, and Vance are hurting our USCCB funding and our critical progressive advocacy work. We at the USCCB feel threatened by the new administration as it hurts our critical work trafficking transexual migrants across borders, so we’re releasing Marty’s great hymn today and asking every parish and faith community to sing it tomorrow.”
“Don’t worry if it sounds rushed or bad, it’s all we could come up with before our USAID funding dried up,” Brown added. “We would’ve added a bridge and a better refrain but we could only afford to pay Marty Haugen $100,000 and couldn’t splurge on Michael Jonas or David Haas. Maybe. once we’ve finally beaten Trump, we’ll be able to go back to full hymns like you’re used to, but for now this is what we came up with.”
“Sing it tomorrow or you ain’t synodal!”
In other news, according to Bishop Sam Brown, they have come up with a solution to fighting Trump’s tariffs on the Novus Ordo and related imports of theological liberalism into the United States:
Never fear my sisters,
China has reportedly offered to mass produce Novus Ordo missals and smuggle their individual pages into Mexico where the cartels will fire the pieces over the border with trebuchets and the USCCB will harness the transformative power of local transgender youth within each parish to reassemble these much-needed essential goods.
The USCCB will pay for this difficult process by selling, you're reading this right, indulgences against crimes against synodality. It worked before. What could go wrong?
I am with you in synodality forever and ever that will be in perfect inclusive exclusivity, unburdened by what has been, Amen.
Bishop Sam BrownDirector of the USCCBBishop of the Diocese of Virginia Beach
This is a parody, obviously.
Video from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=85s7jE4sKiw&t=3s
Sound from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GM9G5x32s64
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