Coffee, Scrolling & Netflix: The Calm We Borrow But Never Keep

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Are you trapped in the cycle of reaching for quick fixes to calm your stressed nervous system? That third cup of coffee, mindless scrolling, or end-of-day glass of wine might offer temporary relief, but they're actually teaching your body to outsource its sense of safety rather than build it from within.

The truth is, many of us have mastered the art of "borrowed calm" – those external solutions that feel fast but fade quickly. This borrowed calm may be socially acceptable and even encouraged, but it's quietly conditioning your nervous system to forget its innate capacity for self-regulation.

What if there was another way? In this episode, I introduce the concept of "earned calm" – the nervous system's love language that builds lasting resilience from the inside out. 

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Episode Transcript

Emily Feist (00:00):
Have you ever reached for that third cup of
coffee and then just scrolled onyour phone for an hour just so
you're a little less present?
You're not alone, but here'ssomething that we're rarely
taught Many of us wereconditioned to borrow calm from
the outside without everlearning how to build it from

(00:21):
the inside, and that's whatmatters, especially when you're
navigating stress, anxiety andburnout that just won't go away.
Today, we are gently unpackingthe difference between borrowed
calm and earned calm, and whyone gives you temporary change,
while the other teaches yourbody how to actually feel safe

(00:43):
again.
Welcome to.
It Starts at Vagus, whereholistic health meets modern day
living through the eyes of amassage therapist and that's me.
I'm Emily, and I am aneuromuscular massage therapist
that helps people calm theirmind and their muscles, and I'm
here to guide you through thephilosophy of the vagus nerve.

(01:04):
It's the body's ultimate key tocalm, connection and overall
well-being.
So if you have stress, anxietyor you just feel stuck, you're
in the right place.
So take a deep breath in, settledown and let's explore how we
can use our nervous system tosupport our bodies

(01:24):
.
Let's start today's episodetalking about borrowed calm.
Borrowed calm is anything thatoutside of us that gives us that
quick hit of I feel better now,but it wears off fast.
Some of these things mightinclude that glass of wine that
you pour before your brain caneven name why you're overwhelmed

(01:44):
.
Wine that you pour before yourbrain can even name why you're
overwhelmed.
It might be zoning out in frontof a screen instead of checking
in with how you feel, could bereaching for sugar or coffee or
something stronger to just getyou through the rest of the day,
even relying solely on anxietymedication, without any internal
tools to support your body.
What you need to know is thatborrowed calm is fast and is

(02:10):
often encouraged, but here's thething it doesn't teach your
body anything.
It doesn't build up thatresilience.
It's actually conditioning yournerve system to outsource its
safety and over time, your bodystarts to lose trust of yourself
, and that it loses its trustthat it can settle down on its

(02:32):
own, which is why learning howto calm your nervous system is
so important.
Now let's shift onto what Icall earned calm.
Earned calm is the nervoussystem's love language.
It's the kind of peace thatcomes from the inside out.
It's slower, but it lasts a lotlonger.

(02:52):
Every time you practice it,you're building your nervous
system's capacity to handlestress, that it's grounded and
in a healing way.
So let me talk you through myfavorite framework to have this
earned calm, and there are fourgentle steps that you can just
do over and over again,especially when you feel like
you're spiraling or checking outFour R's of earned calm

(03:16):
Recognize, regulate and reflectand repeat.
First, recognize you need topause and name what's happening
in your body.
Is your jaw tight?
Are your shoulders creeping up?
How is your breathing?
Is it really shallow or reallyfast?
Those are all ways that thatvagus nerve responds to

(03:39):
awareness.
And when you name what's goingon, you're telling your body
okay, I'm listening, I'm here,you're okay and we can start
settling down, which brings usinto regulate.
This is where we bring in thetools to help that vagus nerve
calm down.
Whether it's breath work orhumming good stretch or simply

(04:01):
stepping outside and noticingthe ground beneath you or
listening to the birds sing,it's just something that you can
start reflecting on yoursurroundings.
And these aren't just self-caretools.
They are literally biologicalinterruptions that signal to
your nervous system to shift outof that survival mode.

(04:22):
Next step is reflect.
When you feel even 10% calmer,ask yourself what just happened.
What did I need?
What was I actually feeling?
Tools that help with this arejournaling.
I personally really like voicenotes where I can just talk to

(04:42):
my phone and it just jotseverything down, because
sometimes I talk faster than Ican write.
That's something that reallyhelps me and you can even think
through this while you'refolding your laundry and that
allows your body to help connectthe dots about what just
happened.
Last step repeat this one's big.

(05:02):
The nervous system learnsthrough repetition.
That one breath, it becomesfive the next day to help slow
down that kind of sketchyjournal entry, that kind of
wasn't really all put togetheras well as it could have been.
It becomes the next insight.
It tells you oh my goodness,what just happened?
This is something that I'mrepeating and you can learn from

(05:24):
it and reflect, because you'renot doing it wrong.
You're just practicing calm ina world that's trained you how
to be in rush mode.
One of the biggest crutches thatI have been working through is
to stop using coffee as anantidote to sleep.
For years I got myself throughthe day by adding coffee.

(05:47):
Less sleep equal more cups ofcoffee, and I hate to say it,
but it worked.
But it really didn't.
I ended up relying on thatcoffee to help me through the
day.
It also supported my bad habitof revenge bedtime
procrastination, where Ipurposefully didn't go to bed

(06:10):
because now the coffee waskeeping me awake and it was
allowing me to stay up longerand longer, and so then I didn't
go to bed, which then my bodydidn't have time to rest and
rejuvenate, and then, all in all, it started taking a toll on my
health.
And when that started happening, I'm like okay, I need to look

(06:34):
over my habits, because ourhabits are what make us today's
version of ourselves.
That's when I realized I neededto make sleep a priority to
help my stress levels go down.
I started implementing ahealthy morning and an evening
routine and now I go to bedearlier and I even crave going

(06:56):
to bed early, which that wasreally weird for me at the
beginning, because, just likelosing habits were like, well, I
used to like this, but now Idon't.
But I looked okay, which one ishealthier for me, and so that
encouraged me to go to bedearlier and earlier, even though
it felt weird.

(07:16):
Now do I still drink coffee?
Yes, I do, but I don't use itas a crutch.
I often wait hours after I wakeup before I drink the first cup
.
I do try to limit it to one andtry not to drink it at the same
time every day.

(07:37):
I don't want my body to rely onit and anticipate it.
And that's really working forme.
It really is helping me enjoygoing to bed.
It's giving me better qualityof sleep and that is how I kind
of realized that I was usingcoffee as a crutch just to get
through my day and now I rely onsleep just so much better.

(08:00):
Overall.
Let's be honest, internal calmis a long road.
Internal calm is a long road.
Borrowed calm feels easier atfirst.
Borrowed calm is kind of likethe fast lane, and when your
brain is screaming make it stop,the last thing you want to do
is journal about it.
But the fast lane never teachesyour body how to drive.

(08:23):
It just reroutes you until thatstress comes back again.
And it does come back again.
So we stay on that hamsterwheel of stress and then cope
and then numbing it, and then werepeat that cycle and
it goes on and on.
But you deserve more than that.
You deserve a relationship withyour body to where you

(08:46):
feel safe, grounded and capable"It and that starts with
teaching yourself how to calmdown, not through shame or even
willpower, but throughconnection.
We want you to connect to yourbody, to realize what works for
you and what doesn't, and thentweak it through your day so

(09:10):
that you can have Vagus.

(10:25):
moregood
days than rough days and you canlearn how to calm yourself down
.
If no one's ever taught you howto soothe your nervous system
from the inside out, that's notyour fault.
We were sold comfort in a mug,peace in a pill, calm at a
checkout cart.
But now now you get to reclaimit because your nervous system
isn't broken.
It's just been waiting for youto show it another way.
So let's recap Borrowed calmfeels fast, but it fades.
Earned calm feels slow, but itsticks, and every time you use
breath, pause or a moment ofreflection, you're building
something that can't be takenaway.
Thank you for spending part ofyour day with me.
Remember to soothe your nervoussystem and reclaim who you are.
Thank you for listening to.
It Starts at Vegas.
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Remember wellness starts atVagus.