April 8, 2025 • 28 mins
The path to healing often begins when we feel safe—when our nervous system can finally relax and let down its guard. In this intimate conversation, I sit down with my dear friend and fellow massage therapist Melissa Kary to explore the transformative power of therapeutic touch for trauma survivors.
Melissa opens up about her own unexpected battle with anxiety. Despite being a wellness professional, she initially fought her diagnosis "tooth and nail," believing she had nothing to be anxious about with a solid marriage and thriving children. When medication left her feeling numb, she discovered something that changed everything: vagus nerve reset techniques.
"I did what you asked me to do and listened to your podcast... it worked instantly," she reveals, describing how simple three-minute exercises helped her regain control of her nervous system when nothing else worked. Now able to focus on reading, enjoy family time, and be fully present, Melissa's story illuminates how we can make anxiety "work for us" rather than against us.
Whether you're struggling with anxiety, processing trauma, or simply seeking a deeper understanding of how our bodies respond to stress, this conversation offers practical wisdom and hope. The vagus nerve—our body's built-in reset button—provides a pathway back to ourselves that requires no special equipment, just a few minutes of intentional focus.
Grab my free vagus nerve reset video in the show notes to experience the simple technique that's helping people find calm in just minutes a day. Your wellness journey starts at vagus.
Want to give a one-time donation as a thank you?
Cash App me at $ItStartsAtVagus
Thank you!! I really appreciate your support 💗
Click the link to learn how to reset your vagus nerve to decrease stress & anxiety 👉🏻 https://mailchi.mp/itstartsatvagus/vagusreset
Join our Facebook group 🤩 It Starts at Vagus
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Emily Feist (00:00):
Welcome to It Starts at Vagus, where holistic
health meets modern livingthrough the lens of a massage
therapist and that's me.
I'm Emily, and I am aneuromuscular massage therapist
who works directly with thenervous system to help people
relax their muscles and calmtheir minds.
I'm here to guide you inunlocking the philosophy of the
(00:20):
vagus nerve, the body's ultimatekey to calm, connection and
overall well-being.
If stress, anxiety or burnouthave you feeling stuck, you're
in the right place.
Before we start, if you could dome a huge favor and hit that
subscribe button.
It encourages me to continue tomake podcast episodes and I
(00:43):
can't tell you how much it helpswhen you hit that like and
subscribe button.
We currently have listeners inover 130 cities and as the show
gets bigger, we can expand thepodcast, bring in guests and
continue to support yourwellness, because I want this
podcast to continue to be worthlistening to and help people all
(01:05):
over the world get stress andanxiety relief.
Naturally, thank you toeveryone who has already
subscribed.
I truly appreciate it.
Now take a deep breath andlet's explore how we can use our
nervous system to support ourbodies.
Today we have a fun specialbonus guest, and that is my dear
friend, Melissa Kary.
(01:26):
Hi everybody, hi Emily, hello,hello.
So Melissa and I met back inmassage school long time ago it
was.
It was so much fun and thefunny part was I don't feel like
we really connected in school,not really, no, no, it was after
.
Melissa Kary (01:46):
It was very much, well, not very much after, just
like a couple of months after, Ithink.
Yeah, mm-hmm.
Emily Feist (01:52):
Yeah, but it's just been so fun to see our careers
blossom together and thenseparate, and yet still
connecting.
Melissa Kary (02:03):
Very much so.
Yeah, it's been a fun ride.
A little bumpy ride, personal,but more fun than anything.
Learning yes.
Emily Feist (02:12):
Yes, it's super fun .
So why don't we just start outby telling us about your massage
therapy journey?
Melissa Kary (02:21):
Okay, Well, it started with Emily.
Actually, we were businesspartners, we worked opposite
each other and I think,beginning I was pretty awful,
like as far as touch went.
And then the building part.
I guess I wasn't reallyprepared for the building and
(02:43):
how hard I thought, like youknow, if you build it, it's
gonna come, it's gonna happen.
So it was very probably like anemotional roller coaster.
You know, like you had to proveyourself and that did not come
easy to me, especially um 16years later.
I love it and I I absolutelylike every not every day, but
(03:05):
like as time goes on, I love it.
And I absolutely like every notevery day, but like as time
goes on, I love it even more.
That's so awesome.
Emily Feist (03:11):
It's so helpful to calm down the body and mind.
Yes, and just so we can getsome clarification for people
who don't know you, you aretalking to building your massage
therapy practice, not just likebuilding, building, yes, yes,
my practice talking to buildingyour massage therapy practice,
not just like building.
Melissa Kary (03:26):
Building, yes, yes , my practice.
Emily Feist (03:35):
No, let's go who do you help?
Melissa Kary (03:38):
Who are your main clients?
So my main clients are peoplethat have a lot of chronic type
of pain or ailments like MS,that have a lot of chronic type
of pain or ailments like MS,fibromyalgia, arthritis, not so
much cancerous patients,automotive accidents, people
going through touch therapybecause of trauma, sexual abuse,
sexual history.
So I work with a lot ofpsychiatrists in reference to
(04:01):
rehabilitation for kids andadults as well.
Emily Feist (04:05):
Yeah, that is a lot .
You have a lot of differentpeople, a lot of different
people.
Melissa Kary (04:08):
It is, it's a very broad clientele so it's very
different with person to person.
Emily Feist (04:15):
Very personalized, yeah, yes, so I'm just going to
again back up a little bit.
So you work with some clientsthat really have to relearn what
a positive touch is yes, yes,and I feel like that, especially
working with sexual trauma thatyou really do need to relearn
(04:36):
and rediscover in a safe area.
Again, we're going to talkabout how to calm the vagus
nerve, and one of the vagusnerve tips is to do something
where you feel safe and can doit repeatedly so that you can
get comfortable and put yourguard down, and I think massage
therapy is amazing for that.
Melissa Kary (04:56):
Yes.
So we start with a 15 minutesession and then we work on
maybe just like the hands or thefeet, and then we just kind of
ever and then like 30 minutesand kind of gradually increase
our time frame, graduallyincrease what area of the body
that I'm working on?
At first it's fully clothed,it's a lot of talking, building
(05:19):
confidence and things like that.
Trust, of course.
So, and sometimes, like if it'sa child, their parents can come
and sit in the room.
Sometimes they ask not to,which is a very fine line.
Again, sometimes we have totake a little bit of not so much
risk, but, as far as comfortgoes, we kind of have to work
(05:40):
outside of the lines when itcomes to, you know, that kind of
stuff, because it's about theperson, not about me or their
parent at that time, but it'sreally about the person.
Emily Feist (05:51):
That we're working with Absolutely, and especially
for working with otherprofessionals where they're like
this.
Let's just say, a child needsprotected in a certain way and
we can still take otherprecautions.
Again, when you're starting out, if they're fully clothed, you
know the door open.
It's very safe, secure andstill allows the child to feel
(06:12):
comfortable.
Melissa Kary (06:13):
Yes.
Emily Feist (06:15):
Yes, it's working within the parameters of reality
, it's true.
It's true.
Oh yeah, there's the ideal way,like in the perfect cookie
cutter spot.
This is where it'd be, butother times it's just like, well
, okay, that's ideal.
But if, yeah, let's say, aperson doesn't want the door
closed, maybe that makes themfeel claustrophobic.
(06:36):
Okay, well, here's some optionsthat we can work with it.
So it's really just learninghow to make the person feel safe
and secure so that their bodycan rest and relax.
Melissa Kary (06:48):
Right, right.
And then sometimes they'reconcerned about if other people,
like within the office, do theyknow why I'm here?
Yeah, you know, or am I goingto be talked about, and things
like that?
No, they don't, because theydon't need to know.
But so I just make sure thatI'm very upfront about what
we're going to do.
If we're going to talk, youknow things like that, and if
(07:09):
they want to you know, yes, sothat's.
Emily Feist (07:11):
The other thing is, when we build that
communication, we can say, hey,this, this is what we plan on,
but you can change it, like, ifyou decide to stop early, that's
fine.
Melissa Kary (07:23):
Exactly, yeah, yep , yep, that's true, yeah, and
some people have and even likesmall things to like adjusting
the music.
You know, maybe they want tolisten to their type of music.
I mean, I've massaged to ACDC,which was hard because I know
all the songs and so I wanted tokind of like dance or sing, and
(07:44):
you can't do that sometimes,but I wanted to, you know.
So I had to remind myself okay,slow down.
You know, there's a reason whywe're doing this this way, which
is out of my element.
So it can be kind of funsometimes, but just kind of like
repurposing what I'm doing.
Emily Feist (08:01):
Absolutely.
And again, that's just workingwith a client and it teaches the
client how to advocate forthemselves.
That's a hard skill to learnsometimes.
Melissa Kary (08:12):
Yes, very much so, especially for young children.
You know, they think like I'madult so I know everything or
whatever.
And that's not true.
You know and you know and theyask me why.
But I can also ask them why andthings like that.
But we do talk about boundariesand things like that.
So that's why when we go intothe session there, it's very
(08:33):
like upfront, there's nosurprises, and things like that.
Emily Feist (08:36):
Absolutely so.
I agree with you on all that.
Tell me about how they feelafter their session.
Melissa Kary (08:42):
Sometimes I can feel a little bit emotional
because, or like they've kind ofput themselves in a vulnerable
position and I'm stilltechnically a stranger, so just
kind of they feel like I can'tbelieve I let you touch my hand
or my arm, or you know what Imean.
Although we do baby steps,sometimes baby steps are still
(09:04):
too fast, so they can beemotional.
Sometimes they're upset.
You know, like I had one personjust kind of start using
profound language and I was likeyou know what?
That's cool, you can yell allyou want, it is okay.
But I'm just going to sit hereand I'm just going to let you or
just kind of absorb whateveryou're going to throw at me
(09:24):
right now and I'll say somethinglike you know what, I will
never make you cry, but I willsit here and cry with you,
because that's pretty muchthat's what I do anyway when
somebody starts crying.
So, but so it just kind ofdepends.
You know, we kind of change aspeople kind of change and open
up and things like that, or theyask me personal questions and
(09:47):
before I used to be like no, no,can't bring my family into my
office, you know things likethat.
And then I thought why not?
You know, yes, I have children.
So that way it thought why not?
You know, yes, I have children.
So that way it's like it's notreally indulging of personal
information, it's connecting itis.
Emily Feist (10:02):
It's all about connecting, and that connection
builds trust.
It does.
Melissa Kary (10:06):
Yes, so.
So again, some people areemotional, Some people get angry
and some people were like whywas I so?
Why did I have so much anxiety?
Or why did I didn't want to dothis Like this is a comfortable
environment.
I feel safe.
I never thought I would feelsafe or comfortable with another
person, especially somebodythey didn't know, you know.
(10:29):
So they're very surprised intheir reactions.
Yep.
Emily Feist (10:33):
And it's kind of an area where everything, any
reaction, is an okay one,because if they walk in or they
come out and they're just chilland calm, you're like, yay,
you're relaxed.
And if they're processingthrough some things on, why do I
feel better after being touchedby pretty much a stranger?
(10:56):
Yeah, no, it's just, it reallydepends on how traumatic and how
deep it has to go through.
That's true For generalspeaking.
I think most people just feelrelief, yes, that they can feel
safe, that they can have theirnervous system settle down.
(11:16):
So, yes, there are the moreextreme ones, but it's very
common to have that sense ofjust being Right when they get,
to start feeling like themselves.
Melissa Kary (11:30):
They do yeah, like yeah.
And how quick sometimes, howquickly it happens.
Yeah, yeah, like yeah.
And how quick sometimes, howquickly it happens.
Yeah, you know that they don'thave to have, you know, 13 or 14
sessions, that usually withinthe first three sessions they're
able to kind of come in andrelax and be like, okay, I'm
ready, let's do this.
Or I had a little boy come inonce and he comes in and he's
(11:51):
like I'm ready for my massage.
Melissa and I said, okay, hewas so excited and so I told him
what to do.
I let he laid down on the tableand he's like I'm ready for my
massage.
Melissa and I said, okay, hewas so excited, and so I told
him what to do.
He laid down on the table andhe puts his arms back and he
crosses his legs and he's likeall right, I'm ready.
And I'm like cool, he's ready.
I love this kid.
Emily Feist (12:06):
He's ready, he's going to be amazing at being
able to talk about his body,talk about his feelings, like he
is connecting with his own self.
Yes, that is so fun.
Yes, yes, it was a good time.
That's a great, that's a greatone.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, I've previously shared inmy own personal journey about
(12:32):
times where I'm anxious and howI just it surprised me that I'm
anxious or stressed Cause I'mlike I'm a massage therapist,
like we sit in a dim lit roomwith nice sounds Like.
Why on earth am I the stressedone?
Yeah, yeah, and it's becauselife.
(12:52):
Yeah, I just wanted to open upthe door to see if you wanted to
share your personal experience.
Melissa Kary (13:00):
Well, anxiety is a crazy thing.
I was actually just diagnosedwith anxiety.
When was it?
About a year and a half ago?
And I was shocked when thedoctor came and said have you
ever been diagnosed with anxiety?
And I said no.
And he said well, do you withanxiety?
And I said no.
And he said well, do you haveanxiety?
And I said no.
(13:20):
And he said tell me why youdon't have anxiety.
And I said because I know whatanxiety is and I know people
that have anxiety and I've neverhad any of those feelings or
thoughts or emotions or anythingremotely close to what they
have experienced or anythingremotely close to what they have
experienced.
And he said let's stop talkingabout other people and start
focusing on you and the way thatyou're feeling.
(13:43):
And so I kind of startedtelling him.
He said you explain heartpalpitations and I said yes.
And he said when did that start?
And I said as long as I canremember, probably into my
childhood, and he said what doesit feel like?
I said I wake up and I can feelmy heart and it's beating very
quickly and there's no reasonbehind it.
(14:04):
So that can't be anxiety.
Emily Feist (14:06):
No, not at all.
Not at all.
Melissa Kary (14:10):
And then he said okay, tell me another reason why
you don't think you haveanxiety.
And I said because I havenothing to be anxious about.
Me and my husband have beenmarried at that time 27 years.
It's in the best position it'sever been.
I said I have three kids.
One was just about gettingmarried, one was married and the
other one was graduating highschool.
So these are prime times intheir life.
(14:31):
I have nothing to be anxiousabout.
I'm excited for them, forwhat's to come, okay.
And so we kind of talked aboutother things and it was like I
didn't even want to listen tohim.
Yeah, I started getting kind ofupset, like how dare you tell
me I have anxiety?
(14:51):
It took me conversations withyou, conversations with my
family, things like that, torealize that I do have it and
I've had it a long time and Ididn't want to.
I fought it tooth and nail.
I became very, almost like adifferent person Very secluded.
I didn't want to go to work, Ididn't want to be around people,
(15:14):
I didn't want to go out to eat,I just kind of wanted to lay
around and sleep because Ididn't want to think about
anything else.
I started worrying about thingsmy 80-year-old parents could
possibly be worrying about.
Were they worrying about them?
I don't know.
I was worrying about what theywere worrying about.
(15:35):
I had feelings of unworthiness,like I didn't deserve things,
that I wasn't a good person.
I wasn't a good mom, wife,massage therapist.
I didn't deserve this clientelethat I had built.
It became almost not impossibleto go from day to day, but just
very evident that I waschanging.
(15:58):
Yeah, and there had to havebeen a reason why I was changing
.
And it was because of thatdreaded word that, to this day,
I do not like, because it makesme very uncomfortable.
Yeah, I also feel like I amsometimes.
I still feel unworthy, but itdoesn't mean that I'm going to
(16:20):
make anxiety work for me.
Hey, because why?
Emily Feist (16:45):
not Exactly, why not Right?
Melissa Kary (16:47):
Like I've already tried the medication route.
Yeah, it made me very numb andI honestly liked that place
because I knew the alternative.
However, it was.
The numbness was good until itwasn't Like I wanted to feel.
But I couldn't feel.
(17:07):
It just wouldn't allow me tofeel.
And that's when I reached outand they increased my dose,
which was not a good fit for meeither.
It was like this little girlinside of me was screaming to
get out and I could not listento her.
So again it was me against me,and so I took myself off the
(17:34):
medication as per doctor'sinstructions, like that every
day, every other day, that kindof thing and got off, and still
it takes a while for it to kindof get out of your system.
The symptoms came back morequick than I wanted them to.
But there again it's likeconcept of thinking and you and
(17:55):
I have had a lot ofconversations in reference to
self-talk and self-care andthings like that, and again it's
like okay, if I have anxiety, Ineed to make anxiety work for
me.
Mm-hmm, it's a bad place to bein.
It does affect everybody aroundyou because they know they see
(18:18):
it.
They see your change.
I didn't see my change until Idid, and it wasn't a good change
, you know.
So I started.
I think you and I startedcommunicating a little bit more
during that time and I startedcommunicating a little bit more
during that time, almost daily,I feel like yeah, for a while
(18:39):
and kind of what to do and andthings like that.
And then you and I had talkedabout the vagus nerve just very
recently actually, like justbefore your podcast started.
Yeah, and I did it.
Yeah, did I did what you hadasked me to do and I listened to
your podcast and I did thetechniques and it worked
(19:02):
instantly.
Isn't that just so cool?
Yes, like so cool.
And then I started reaching orresearching the vagus nerve.
Yes, because nobody ever talksabout it.
No, and then I think why isn'tthis in the headlines, you know?
Because what isn't the vagusnerve responsible for in the
(19:22):
body, I know.
And then I wanted, I wantedmore.
I became almost obsessed withit and I wanted to see how else
it could help me.
Be me, do I still have anxiety?
I'm going to say, yes, yeah,but I know how to control it.
(19:44):
Yes, in my benefit, because itkind of makes me be at peace to
know that I am my own worstenemy.
Emily Feist (19:53):
Yeah, right, aren't we all?
Melissa Kary (19:59):
Yes that nobody that I know of sometimes
dislikes me more than me.
Nobody pushes me more than Ipush me.
So the expectation is high andthe bar is high, but I also know
that I can do it.
You can and you are and I am, Iam.
I am living proof that I am yes.
Emily Feist (20:19):
And now you can feel those feelings and you can
feel life, and it's it's not anumbing effect, no, it's not.
It's pain-free, it's just, it'sso.
I don't.
I don't want to say likemagical, but it's just so.
I can't even think of the word.
That's just on the tip of mytongue.
How amazing it is when you canjust hack into the vagus nerve
(20:43):
it is yes and like to be.
Melissa Kary (20:45):
I know people say, oh, pleasure, it's such a bad
word.
You know what it's not.
It's a very good word.
To be able to feel pleasure isamazing it is and to give
yourself pleasure is amazing too.
By learning more about yourselfand just to know that you're
perfectly capable of doing thesethings on your own, on your own
(21:08):
time.
All you need to do is just setaside just literally like less
than three minutes of time toprove to yourself that you still
got it inside.
Yeah, isn't that just so funyes.
It's just right there.
It is right there, and I'm ayou know me, I'm a big person
about like want to do something,while it's like, do I have to
(21:30):
put pants on Cause I don't wantto put pants on, and you don't
even have to do it with pants on.
I mean, it's not a requirement?
Oh, it is not a requirement.
So that's why I was like all in, you know.
Emily Feist (21:44):
That's so funny.
Yes, yes, it's kind of likeonce you get your pajamas on,
you don't like your home andyour set you don't need anything
else?
Melissa Kary (21:53):
Yes, yes.
Emily Feist (21:55):
It is good to be home.
It is, it is.
So let me ask you what is oneof your favorite ways that you
reset your vagus nerve?
Melissa Kary (22:07):
I love doing the exercises that you taught me,
and the very first one aboutlaying down and doing the eye
movement.
Yeah, our focusing um, that onewas my favorite.
I think I did it every day forone week, yes, yes, and then
stretching, but my calm down isreading and I read.
I'm able to focus on a book now, which I haven't done ever,
(22:32):
ever so right away when I get upin the morning, I read, and
then right before I go to bed, Iread again, and so it's just
kind of like me getting out ofmy own head into this world of,
I don't know, mystery orwhatever I'm having.
I love mystery, so it's amysterious world and you can
(22:54):
kind of take your brain whereverit wants to go in that moment
because of a book.
Emily Feist (22:59):
yeah, yes, guiding it, I am guiding it, yes, good,
but being able to focus, that'sa big thing, because brain fog
is a very real thing.
That is terrible it is, and forme it's usually like going in
and out of a room and I'm like Ieither completely forgot or I
(23:20):
got something else and I thoughtI grabbed it.
Melissa Kary (23:23):
Yes, yes, my mom was here.
She's 81.
And she goes.
You know what I just starteddoing?
I just started going into aroom and can't remember why I
went.
And I'm like I just startedgoing into a room and can't
remember why I went, and I'mlike I just started doing that.
What do you mean?
Wow?
I've been doing that for awhile.
Yeah, you just started, okay.
Emily Feist (23:46):
So, so, yeah, it's just funny.
But yeah, to be able to readand concentrate, it seems so, so
simple.
You know you're like, well, nowI can read a book and that
sounds just like the easiestlittle thing.
But when it's not there, it isyes.
Melissa Kary (24:03):
And then being able to like my.
One of the things that I stillkind of hinder in the back of my
mind is being able to focus.
My daughter just got marriedabout almost well, it's a year
and a half ago and I was kind ofgoing through that time in my
life where I didn't feel like Iwas enough, so I did not get to
(24:27):
have a lot of joy during thattime or be present.
So I kind of you know reallyhard on myself about that.
But now I probably tell myselfat least 60 times a day, even
during massage, like be present,be present, please, let me be
present, and I still do that.
(24:48):
So a lot of self-talk.
But I'm able to enjoy likefamily time where before I
always felt like I wasdisassociating myself, I wasn't
worthy of this family time orlaughing or this experience or
love.
You know what I mean.
(25:08):
And so now I can sit there,have a conversation, remember
the conversation and be fullypresent and just take these
moments because they're going sofast.
I'm so happy for you, thank you.
I'm so happy that you and Istill maintained our friendship
(25:29):
and we're both going downdifferent avenues but we're
still coming together.
I know it's so much fun yes.
Emily Feist (25:35):
My friendship with you.
Melissa Kary (25:36):
It's been.
Emily Feist (25:37):
It's been so much fun because, for those of you
who don't know us, we had ourmassage practices in the same
room.
We shared a room and then youmoved to Arizona for a while.
I stayed in South Dakota.
Right about the time you said,hey, I'm moving back to South
Dakota.
I'm like I'm moving to Arkansas.
Yeah, it's just been a reallyfun friendship.
It's been so much fun.
(25:58):
What's your favorite self-carething aside from Vegas?
Nerve.
Melissa Kary (26:02):
Taking at least 10 minutes a day for myself,
whether it's just laying on thetable between clients and just
listening to music.
Sometimes I do like a hypnotistpodcast and just lay there.
It's just it kind of refocusesand recenters myself.
Self-care means differentthings to different people, so
(26:24):
finding what really can make yousmile or just kind of what
makes your heart happy, whetherit's gardening or whatever but
those are a couple of thingsthat just really speak to me.
I'm putting my phone down andjust kind of disconnecting with
that space.
So when I'm laying there I'mactually disconnecting with all
the space.
It's just me in my dark roomwith music that I really enjoy
(26:49):
listening to.
So that is kind of my go-to.
Emily Feist (26:52):
You have like a little mini break, when possible
.
Melissa Kary (26:55):
Yes, definitely yes.
So it used to be eatingprobably like six cookies in a
row.
Um used to bring me great joy,but not.
I can't do that anymore.
Emily Feist (27:08):
I was sitting in a dark, quiet room by yourself.
Melissa Kary (27:11):
Yes, I guess I've become or transitioned or
whatever you want to say, oh,that's great.
Emily Feist (27:18):
Yeah Well, thank you so very much, Melissa.
I really appreciate you takingyour time and sharing your story
with us.
Melissa Kary (27:26):
Absolutely Always.
It's great to be here.
I'm so excited for this and,yeah, my wish came true and yeah
my wish came true.
Emily Feist (27:36):
All right, well, thank you everyone for listening
.
I really appreciate you takingyour time throughout your day.
Yes, and breathe and dosomething that makes you feel
happy.
Melissa Kary (27:47):
Yes, thank you so much, emily, for asking me to
come.
Happy 20th video or podcast.
Emily Feist (27:53):
Yes, I just did that.
Melissa Kary (27:55):
Yes, and April is stress awareness month, so it's
yeah, great to drive.
Emily Feist (28:02):
dive into that.
Thank you for being my firstguest and talking about your
stress and anxiety Rollercoaster.
Have a great day everyone.
Thank you Bye.
Thanks for listening to it.
Starts at Vegas.
New episodes are released everyTuesday.
If you liked this episode, goahead and give it a subscribe
button so that you getnotifications and don't miss out
(28:24):
on what's coming next.
If you'd like a step-by-stepvideo on how to do a pain-free
and easy vagus nerve exercise,grab my free vagus nerve reset
video in the show notes.
It's what I do when I feel likeI just not like myself.
Until next time, remember,wellness starts at vagus.
Welcome to It Starts at Vagus, where holistic
health meets modern livingthrough the lens of a massage
therapist and that's me.
I'm Emily, and I am aneuromuscular massage therapist
who works directly with thenervous system to help people
relax their muscles and calmtheir minds.
I'm here to guide you inunlocking the philosophy of the
(00:20):
vagus nerve, the body's ultimatekey to calm, connection and
overall well-being.
If stress, anxiety or burnouthave you feeling stuck, you're
in the right place.
Before we start, if you could dome a huge favor and hit that
subscribe button.
It encourages me to continue tomake podcast episodes and I
(00:43):
can't tell you how much it helpswhen you hit that like and
subscribe button.
We currently have listeners inover 130 cities and as the show
gets bigger, we can expand thepodcast, bring in guests and
continue to support yourwellness, because I want this
podcast to continue to be worthlistening to and help people all
(01:05):
over the world get stress andanxiety relief.
Naturally, thank you toeveryone who has already
subscribed.
I truly appreciate it.
Now take a deep breath andlet's explore how we can use our
nervous system to support ourbodies.
Today we have a fun specialbonus guest, and that is my dear
friend, Melissa Kary.
(01:26):
Hi everybody, hi Emily, hello,hello.
So Melissa and I met back inmassage school long time ago it
was.
It was so much fun and thefunny part was I don't feel like
we really connected in school,not really, no, no, it was after
.
Melissa Kary (01:46):
It was very much, well, not very much after, just
like a couple of months after, Ithink.
Yeah, mm-hmm.
Emily Feist (01:52):
Yeah, but it's just been so fun to see our careers
blossom together and thenseparate, and yet still
connecting.
Melissa Kary (02:03):
Very much so.
Yeah, it's been a fun ride.
A little bumpy ride, personal,but more fun than anything.
Learning yes.
Emily Feist (02:12):
Yes, it's super fun .
So why don't we just start outby telling us about your massage
therapy journey?
Melissa Kary (02:21):
Okay, Well, it started with Emily.
Actually, we were businesspartners, we worked opposite
each other and I think,beginning I was pretty awful,
like as far as touch went.
And then the building part.
I guess I wasn't reallyprepared for the building and
(02:43):
how hard I thought, like youknow, if you build it, it's
gonna come, it's gonna happen.
So it was very probably like anemotional roller coaster.
You know, like you had to proveyourself and that did not come
easy to me, especially um 16years later.
I love it and I I absolutelylike every not every day, but
(03:05):
like as time goes on, I love it.
And I absolutely like every notevery day, but like as time
goes on, I love it even more.
That's so awesome.
Emily Feist (03:11):
It's so helpful to calm down the body and mind.
Yes, and just so we can getsome clarification for people
who don't know you, you aretalking to building your massage
therapy practice, not just likebuilding, building, yes, yes,
my practice talking to buildingyour massage therapy practice,
not just like building.
Melissa Kary (03:26):
Building, yes, yes , my practice.
Emily Feist (03:35):
No, let's go who do you help?
Melissa Kary (03:38):
Who are your main clients?
So my main clients are peoplethat have a lot of chronic type
of pain or ailments like MS,that have a lot of chronic type
of pain or ailments like MS,fibromyalgia, arthritis, not so
much cancerous patients,automotive accidents, people
going through touch therapybecause of trauma, sexual abuse,
sexual history.
So I work with a lot ofpsychiatrists in reference to
(04:01):
rehabilitation for kids andadults as well.
Emily Feist (04:05):
Yeah, that is a lot .
You have a lot of differentpeople, a lot of different
people.
Melissa Kary (04:08):
It is, it's a very broad clientele so it's very
different with person to person.
Emily Feist (04:15):
Very personalized, yeah, yes, so I'm just going to
again back up a little bit.
So you work with some clientsthat really have to relearn what
a positive touch is yes, yes,and I feel like that, especially
working with sexual trauma thatyou really do need to relearn
(04:36):
and rediscover in a safe area.
Again, we're going to talkabout how to calm the vagus
nerve, and one of the vagusnerve tips is to do something
where you feel safe and can doit repeatedly so that you can
get comfortable and put yourguard down, and I think massage
therapy is amazing for that.
Melissa Kary (04:56):
Yes.
So we start with a 15 minutesession and then we work on
maybe just like the hands or thefeet, and then we just kind of
ever and then like 30 minutesand kind of gradually increase
our time frame, graduallyincrease what area of the body
that I'm working on?
At first it's fully clothed,it's a lot of talking, building
(05:19):
confidence and things like that.
Trust, of course.
So, and sometimes, like if it'sa child, their parents can come
and sit in the room.
Sometimes they ask not to,which is a very fine line.
Again, sometimes we have totake a little bit of not so much
risk, but, as far as comfortgoes, we kind of have to work
(05:40):
outside of the lines when itcomes to, you know, that kind of
stuff, because it's about theperson, not about me or their
parent at that time, but it'sreally about the person.
Emily Feist (05:51):
That we're working with Absolutely, and especially
for working with otherprofessionals where they're like
this.
Let's just say, a child needsprotected in a certain way and
we can still take otherprecautions.
Again, when you're starting out, if they're fully clothed, you
know the door open.
It's very safe, secure andstill allows the child to feel
(06:12):
comfortable.
Melissa Kary (06:13):
Yes.
Emily Feist (06:15):
Yes, it's working within the parameters of reality
, it's true.
It's true.
Oh yeah, there's the ideal way,like in the perfect cookie
cutter spot.
This is where it'd be, butother times it's just like, well
, okay, that's ideal.
But if, yeah, let's say, aperson doesn't want the door
closed, maybe that makes themfeel claustrophobic.
(06:36):
Okay, well, here's some optionsthat we can work with it.
So it's really just learninghow to make the person feel safe
and secure so that their bodycan rest and relax.
Melissa Kary (06:48):
Right, right.
And then sometimes they'reconcerned about if other people,
like within the office, do theyknow why I'm here?
Yeah, you know, or am I goingto be talked about, and things
like that?
No, they don't, because theydon't need to know.
But so I just make sure thatI'm very upfront about what
we're going to do.
If we're going to talk, youknow things like that, and if
(07:09):
they want to you know, yes, sothat's.
Emily Feist (07:11):
The other thing is, when we build that
communication, we can say, hey,this, this is what we plan on,
but you can change it, like, ifyou decide to stop early, that's
fine.
Melissa Kary (07:23):
Exactly, yeah, yep , yep, that's true, yeah, and
some people have and even likesmall things to like adjusting
the music.
You know, maybe they want tolisten to their type of music.
I mean, I've massaged to ACDC,which was hard because I know
all the songs and so I wanted tokind of like dance or sing, and
(07:44):
you can't do that sometimes,but I wanted to, you know.
So I had to remind myself okay,slow down.
You know, there's a reason whywe're doing this this way, which
is out of my element.
So it can be kind of funsometimes, but just kind of like
repurposing what I'm doing.
Emily Feist (08:01):
Absolutely.
And again, that's just workingwith a client and it teaches the
client how to advocate forthemselves.
That's a hard skill to learnsometimes.
Melissa Kary (08:12):
Yes, very much so, especially for young children.
You know, they think like I'madult so I know everything or
whatever.
And that's not true.
You know and you know and theyask me why.
But I can also ask them why andthings like that.
But we do talk about boundariesand things like that.
So that's why when we go intothe session there, it's very
(08:33):
like upfront, there's nosurprises, and things like that.
Emily Feist (08:36):
Absolutely so.
I agree with you on all that.
Tell me about how they feelafter their session.
Melissa Kary (08:42):
Sometimes I can feel a little bit emotional
because, or like they've kind ofput themselves in a vulnerable
position and I'm stilltechnically a stranger, so just
kind of they feel like I can'tbelieve I let you touch my hand
or my arm, or you know what Imean.
Although we do baby steps,sometimes baby steps are still
(09:04):
too fast, so they can beemotional.
Sometimes they're upset.
You know, like I had one personjust kind of start using
profound language and I was likeyou know what?
That's cool, you can yell allyou want, it is okay.
But I'm just going to sit hereand I'm just going to let you or
just kind of absorb whateveryou're going to throw at me
(09:24):
right now and I'll say somethinglike you know what, I will
never make you cry, but I willsit here and cry with you,
because that's pretty muchthat's what I do anyway when
somebody starts crying.
So, but so it just kind ofdepends.
You know, we kind of change aspeople kind of change and open
up and things like that, or theyask me personal questions and
(09:47):
before I used to be like no, no,can't bring my family into my
office, you know things likethat.
And then I thought why not?
You know, yes, I have children.
So that way it thought why not?
You know, yes, I have children.
So that way it's like it's notreally indulging of personal
information, it's connecting itis.
Emily Feist (10:02):
It's all about connecting, and that connection
builds trust.
It does.
Melissa Kary (10:06):
Yes, so.
So again, some people areemotional, Some people get angry
and some people were like whywas I so?
Why did I have so much anxiety?
Or why did I didn't want to dothis Like this is a comfortable
environment.
I feel safe.
I never thought I would feelsafe or comfortable with another
person, especially somebodythey didn't know, you know.
(10:29):
So they're very surprised intheir reactions.
Yep.
Emily Feist (10:33):
And it's kind of an area where everything, any
reaction, is an okay one,because if they walk in or they
come out and they're just chilland calm, you're like, yay,
you're relaxed.
And if they're processingthrough some things on, why do I
feel better after being touchedby pretty much a stranger?
(10:56):
Yeah, no, it's just, it reallydepends on how traumatic and how
deep it has to go through.
That's true For generalspeaking.
I think most people just feelrelief, yes, that they can feel
safe, that they can have theirnervous system settle down.
(11:16):
So, yes, there are the moreextreme ones, but it's very
common to have that sense ofjust being Right when they get,
to start feeling like themselves.
Melissa Kary (11:30):
They do yeah, like yeah.
And how quick sometimes, howquickly it happens.
Yeah, yeah, like yeah.
And how quick sometimes, howquickly it happens.
Yeah, you know that they don'thave to have, you know, 13 or 14
sessions, that usually withinthe first three sessions they're
able to kind of come in andrelax and be like, okay, I'm
ready, let's do this.
Or I had a little boy come inonce and he comes in and he's
(11:51):
like I'm ready for my massage.
Melissa and I said, okay, hewas so excited and so I told him
what to do.
I let he laid down on the tableand he's like I'm ready for my
massage.
Melissa and I said, okay, hewas so excited, and so I told
him what to do.
He laid down on the table andhe puts his arms back and he
crosses his legs and he's likeall right, I'm ready.
And I'm like cool, he's ready.
I love this kid.
Emily Feist (12:06):
He's ready, he's going to be amazing at being
able to talk about his body,talk about his feelings, like he
is connecting with his own self.
Yes, that is so fun.
Yes, yes, it was a good time.
That's a great, that's a greatone.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, I've previously shared inmy own personal journey about
(12:32):
times where I'm anxious and howI just it surprised me that I'm
anxious or stressed Cause I'mlike I'm a massage therapist,
like we sit in a dim lit roomwith nice sounds Like.
Why on earth am I the stressedone?
Yeah, yeah, and it's becauselife.
(12:52):
Yeah, I just wanted to open upthe door to see if you wanted to
share your personal experience.
Melissa Kary (13:00):
Well, anxiety is a crazy thing.
I was actually just diagnosedwith anxiety.
When was it?
About a year and a half ago?
And I was shocked when thedoctor came and said have you
ever been diagnosed with anxiety?
And I said no.
And he said well, do you withanxiety?
And I said no.
And he said well, do you haveanxiety?
And I said no.
(13:20):
And he said tell me why youdon't have anxiety.
And I said because I know whatanxiety is and I know people
that have anxiety and I've neverhad any of those feelings or
thoughts or emotions or anythingremotely close to what they
have experienced or anythingremotely close to what they have
experienced.
And he said let's stop talkingabout other people and start
focusing on you and the way thatyou're feeling.
(13:43):
And so I kind of startedtelling him.
He said you explain heartpalpitations and I said yes.
And he said when did that start?
And I said as long as I canremember, probably into my
childhood, and he said what doesit feel like?
I said I wake up and I can feelmy heart and it's beating very
quickly and there's no reasonbehind it.
(14:04):
So that can't be anxiety.
Emily Feist (14:06):
No, not at all.
Not at all.
Melissa Kary (14:10):
And then he said okay, tell me another reason why
you don't think you haveanxiety.
And I said because I havenothing to be anxious about.
Me and my husband have beenmarried at that time 27 years.
It's in the best position it'sever been.
I said I have three kids.
One was just about gettingmarried, one was married and the
other one was graduating highschool.
So these are prime times intheir life.
(14:31):
I have nothing to be anxiousabout.
I'm excited for them, forwhat's to come, okay.
And so we kind of talked aboutother things and it was like I
didn't even want to listen tohim.
Yeah, I started getting kind ofupset, like how dare you tell
me I have anxiety?
(14:51):
It took me conversations withyou, conversations with my
family, things like that, torealize that I do have it and
I've had it a long time and Ididn't want to.
I fought it tooth and nail.
I became very, almost like adifferent person Very secluded.
I didn't want to go to work, Ididn't want to be around people,
(15:14):
I didn't want to go out to eat,I just kind of wanted to lay
around and sleep because Ididn't want to think about
anything else.
I started worrying about thingsmy 80-year-old parents could
possibly be worrying about.
Were they worrying about them?
I don't know.
I was worrying about what theywere worrying about.
(15:35):
I had feelings of unworthiness,like I didn't deserve things,
that I wasn't a good person.
I wasn't a good mom, wife,massage therapist.
I didn't deserve this clientelethat I had built.
It became almost not impossibleto go from day to day, but just
very evident that I waschanging.
(15:58):
Yeah, and there had to havebeen a reason why I was changing
.
And it was because of thatdreaded word that, to this day,
I do not like, because it makesme very uncomfortable.
Yeah, I also feel like I amsometimes.
I still feel unworthy, but itdoesn't mean that I'm going to
(16:20):
make anxiety work for me.
Hey, because why?
Emily Feist (16:45):
not Exactly, why not Right?
Melissa Kary (16:47):
Like I've already tried the medication route.
Yeah, it made me very numb andI honestly liked that place
because I knew the alternative.
However, it was.
The numbness was good until itwasn't Like I wanted to feel.
But I couldn't feel.
(17:07):
It just wouldn't allow me tofeel.
And that's when I reached outand they increased my dose,
which was not a good fit for meeither.
It was like this little girlinside of me was screaming to
get out and I could not listento her.
So again it was me against me,and so I took myself off the
(17:34):
medication as per doctor'sinstructions, like that every
day, every other day, that kindof thing and got off, and still
it takes a while for it to kindof get out of your system.
The symptoms came back morequick than I wanted them to.
But there again it's likeconcept of thinking and you and
(17:55):
I have had a lot ofconversations in reference to
self-talk and self-care andthings like that, and again it's
like okay, if I have anxiety, Ineed to make anxiety work for
me.
Mm-hmm, it's a bad place to bein.
It does affect everybody aroundyou because they know they see
(18:18):
it.
They see your change.
I didn't see my change until Idid, and it wasn't a good change
, you know.
So I started.
I think you and I startedcommunicating a little bit more
during that time and I startedcommunicating a little bit more
during that time, almost daily,I feel like yeah, for a while
(18:39):
and kind of what to do and andthings like that.
And then you and I had talkedabout the vagus nerve just very
recently actually, like justbefore your podcast started.
Yeah, and I did it.
Yeah, did I did what you hadasked me to do and I listened to
your podcast and I did thetechniques and it worked
(19:02):
instantly.
Isn't that just so cool?
Yes, like so cool.
And then I started reaching orresearching the vagus nerve.
Yes, because nobody ever talksabout it.
No, and then I think why isn'tthis in the headlines, you know?
Because what isn't the vagusnerve responsible for in the
(19:22):
body, I know.
And then I wanted, I wantedmore.
I became almost obsessed withit and I wanted to see how else
it could help me.
Be me, do I still have anxiety?
I'm going to say, yes, yeah,but I know how to control it.
(19:44):
Yes, in my benefit, because itkind of makes me be at peace to
know that I am my own worstenemy.
Emily Feist (19:53):
Yeah, right, aren't we all?
Melissa Kary (19:59):
Yes that nobody that I know of sometimes
dislikes me more than me.
Nobody pushes me more than Ipush me.
So the expectation is high andthe bar is high, but I also know
that I can do it.
You can and you are and I am, Iam.
I am living proof that I am yes.
Emily Feist (20:19):
And now you can feel those feelings and you can
feel life, and it's it's not anumbing effect, no, it's not.
It's pain-free, it's just, it'sso.
I don't.
I don't want to say likemagical, but it's just so.
I can't even think of the word.
That's just on the tip of mytongue.
How amazing it is when you canjust hack into the vagus nerve
(20:43):
it is yes and like to be.
Melissa Kary (20:45):
I know people say, oh, pleasure, it's such a bad
word.
You know what it's not.
It's a very good word.
To be able to feel pleasure isamazing it is and to give
yourself pleasure is amazing too.
By learning more about yourselfand just to know that you're
perfectly capable of doing thesethings on your own, on your own
(21:08):
time.
All you need to do is just setaside just literally like less
than three minutes of time toprove to yourself that you still
got it inside.
Yeah, isn't that just so funyes.
It's just right there.
It is right there, and I'm ayou know me, I'm a big person
about like want to do something,while it's like, do I have to
(21:30):
put pants on Cause I don't wantto put pants on, and you don't
even have to do it with pants on.
I mean, it's not a requirement?
Oh, it is not a requirement.
So that's why I was like all in, you know.
Emily Feist (21:44):
That's so funny.
Yes, yes, it's kind of likeonce you get your pajamas on,
you don't like your home andyour set you don't need anything
else?
Melissa Kary (21:53):
Yes, yes.
Emily Feist (21:55):
It is good to be home.
It is, it is.
So let me ask you what is oneof your favorite ways that you
reset your vagus nerve?
Melissa Kary (22:07):
I love doing the exercises that you taught me,
and the very first one aboutlaying down and doing the eye
movement.
Yeah, our focusing um, that onewas my favorite.
I think I did it every day forone week, yes, yes, and then
stretching, but my calm down isreading and I read.
I'm able to focus on a book now, which I haven't done ever,
(22:32):
ever so right away when I get upin the morning, I read, and
then right before I go to bed, Iread again, and so it's just
kind of like me getting out ofmy own head into this world of,
I don't know, mystery orwhatever I'm having.
I love mystery, so it's amysterious world and you can
(22:54):
kind of take your brain whereverit wants to go in that moment
because of a book.
Emily Feist (22:59):
yeah, yes, guiding it, I am guiding it, yes, good,
but being able to focus, that'sa big thing, because brain fog
is a very real thing.
That is terrible it is, and forme it's usually like going in
and out of a room and I'm like Ieither completely forgot or I
(23:20):
got something else and I thoughtI grabbed it.
Melissa Kary (23:23):
Yes, yes, my mom was here.
She's 81.
And she goes.
You know what I just starteddoing?
I just started going into aroom and can't remember why I
went.
And I'm like I just startedgoing into a room and can't
remember why I went, and I'mlike I just started doing that.
What do you mean?
Wow?
I've been doing that for awhile.
Yeah, you just started, okay.
Emily Feist (23:46):
So, so, yeah, it's just funny.
But yeah, to be able to readand concentrate, it seems so, so
simple.
You know you're like, well, nowI can read a book and that
sounds just like the easiestlittle thing.
But when it's not there, it isyes.
Melissa Kary (24:03):
And then being able to like my.
One of the things that I stillkind of hinder in the back of my
mind is being able to focus.
My daughter just got marriedabout almost well, it's a year
and a half ago and I was kind ofgoing through that time in my
life where I didn't feel like Iwas enough, so I did not get to
(24:27):
have a lot of joy during thattime or be present.
So I kind of you know reallyhard on myself about that.
But now I probably tell myselfat least 60 times a day, even
during massage, like be present,be present, please, let me be
present, and I still do that.
(24:48):
So a lot of self-talk.
But I'm able to enjoy likefamily time where before I
always felt like I wasdisassociating myself, I wasn't
worthy of this family time orlaughing or this experience or
love.
You know what I mean.
(25:08):
And so now I can sit there,have a conversation, remember
the conversation and be fullypresent and just take these
moments because they're going sofast.
I'm so happy for you, thank you.
I'm so happy that you and Istill maintained our friendship
(25:29):
and we're both going downdifferent avenues but we're
still coming together.
I know it's so much fun yes.
Emily Feist (25:35):
My friendship with you.
Melissa Kary (25:36):
It's been.
Emily Feist (25:37):
It's been so much fun because, for those of you
who don't know us, we had ourmassage practices in the same
room.
We shared a room and then youmoved to Arizona for a while.
I stayed in South Dakota.
Right about the time you said,hey, I'm moving back to South
Dakota.
I'm like I'm moving to Arkansas.
Yeah, it's just been a reallyfun friendship.
It's been so much fun.
(25:58):
What's your favorite self-carething aside from Vegas?
Nerve.
Melissa Kary (26:02):
Taking at least 10 minutes a day for myself,
whether it's just laying on thetable between clients and just
listening to music.
Sometimes I do like a hypnotistpodcast and just lay there.
It's just it kind of refocusesand recenters myself.
Self-care means differentthings to different people, so
(26:24):
finding what really can make yousmile or just kind of what
makes your heart happy, whetherit's gardening or whatever but
those are a couple of thingsthat just really speak to me.
I'm putting my phone down andjust kind of disconnecting with
that space.
So when I'm laying there I'mactually disconnecting with all
the space.
It's just me in my dark roomwith music that I really enjoy
(26:49):
listening to.
So that is kind of my go-to.
Emily Feist (26:52):
You have like a little mini break, when possible
.
Melissa Kary (26:55):
Yes, definitely yes.
So it used to be eatingprobably like six cookies in a
row.
Um used to bring me great joy,but not.
I can't do that anymore.
Emily Feist (27:08):
I was sitting in a dark, quiet room by yourself.
Melissa Kary (27:11):
Yes, I guess I've become or transitioned or
whatever you want to say, oh,that's great.
Emily Feist (27:18):
Yeah Well, thank you so very much, Melissa.
I really appreciate you takingyour time and sharing your story
with us.
Melissa Kary (27:26):
Absolutely Always.
It's great to be here.
I'm so excited for this and,yeah, my wish came true and yeah
my wish came true.
Emily Feist (27:36):
All right, well, thank you everyone for listening
.
I really appreciate you takingyour time throughout your day.
Yes, and breathe and dosomething that makes you feel
happy.
Melissa Kary (27:47):
Yes, thank you so much, emily, for asking me to
come.
Happy 20th video or podcast.
Emily Feist (27:53):
Yes, I just did that.
Melissa Kary (27:55):
Yes, and April is stress awareness month, so it's
yeah, great to drive.
Emily Feist (28:02):
dive into that.
Thank you for being my firstguest and talking about your
stress and anxiety Rollercoaster.
Have a great day everyone.
Thank you Bye.
Thanks for listening to it.
Starts at Vegas.
New episodes are released everyTuesday.
If you liked this episode, goahead and give it a subscribe
button so that you getnotifications and don't miss out
(28:24):
on what's coming next.
If you'd like a step-by-stepvideo on how to do a pain-free
and easy vagus nerve exercise,grab my free vagus nerve reset
video in the show notes.
It's what I do when I feel likeI just not like myself.
Until next time, remember,wellness starts at vagus.
Popular Podcasts
Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang
Ding dong! Join your culture consultants, Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang, on an unforgettable journey into the beating heart of CULTURE. Alongside sizzling special guests, they GET INTO the hottest pop-culture moments of the day and the formative cultural experiences that turned them into Culturistas. Produced by the Big Money Players Network and iHeartRadio.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.