April 22, 2025 • 12 mins
The quiet background hum of your mental to-do list gets louder right when you're trying to relax—that's mental load fatigue, and it's hitting women particularly hard. This phenomenon isn't about a lack of organization or efficiency; it's the invisible burden of constant thinking, planning, anticipating, and emotional caretaking that never seems to pause.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Emily Feist, LMT (00:00):
Do you feel like your brain never shuts off,
even when you're laying down onthe couch trying to relax, like
there's this never-ending to-dolist that's quietly running in
the background but pops back uplouder once your brain and body
start to settle down?
That is called mental loadfatigue and it is the most
(00:21):
invisible but powerful sourcesof stress for women today.
Welcome to It Starts at Vagus,where holistic health meets
modern living through the lensof a massage therapist and
that's me.
I'm Emily and I am aneuromuscular massage therapist
who works directly with thenervous system to help people
(00:41):
relax their muscles and calmtheir minds system to help
people relax their muscles andcalm their minds.
I'm here to guide you inunlocking the philosophy of the
vagus nerve, the body's ultimatekey to calm, connection and
overall well-being.
If stress, anxiety or burnouthave you feeling stuck, you're
in the right place.
Before we start, if you coulddo me a huge favor and hit that
(01:06):
subscribe button.
It encourages me to continue tomake podcast episodes and I
can't tell you how much it helpswhen you hit that like and
subscribe button.
We currently have listeners inover 130 cities and as the show
gets bigger, we can expand thepodcast, bring in guests and
(01:26):
continue to support yourwellness, because I want this
podcast to continue to be worthlistening to and help people all
over the world get stress andanxiety relief.
Naturally, thank you toeveryone who has already
subscribed.
I truly appreciate it.
Now take a deep breath andlet's explore how we can use our
nervous system to support ourbodies.
(01:48):
Let's take a second just to namewhat's really happening here,
and that is the mental loadfatigue.
This isn't just about beingtired.
It's just more than that.
You're carrying a mental loadthat never seems to end.
Most of it is invisible, butyour nervous system still feels
(02:09):
every ounce of it.
So what exactly is mental loadfatigue and why is it hitting so
many women so hard right now?
But before we talk about that,I need you to know something you
are not lazy, you're notunorganized, and no, it's just
not that mom brain or that youneed to manage your time better.
(02:32):
This is something that so manywomen go through, especially
those who are caregivers,nurturers, the emotional guide
of the household, and especiallythose high achievers that are
trying to keep all the balls inthe air without letting them
fall down and break.
So no, you're not broken.
You're just carrying too muchon your mind and your nervous
(02:54):
system is waving that white flagsaying I need help.
So what is mental load fatigue?
Mental load fatigue is a kind ofexhaustion that doesn't come
from physical labor, but itcomes from thinking and planning
, scheduling, anticipating,juggling people and their
(03:14):
schedules, and it's constantlyremembering all of that and that
just goes on and on.
It's the invisible list in yourhead that goes don't forget to
grab the milk, and we need toreschedule the dentist, and
don't forget to order thebirthday gifts.
Check on that friend that washaving a hard time the other day
(03:35):
.
Don't forget that email.
That just keeps going.
And it's that invisible listthat we don't write down.
Now to that we are going to addthat executive functioning
overload and that is theconstant decision-making with
the demand of fast answer.
So, whether that is little onesalways asking questions and
(03:58):
wanting that sharp reply, or aboss who says here's this
problem, what do we do about it?
Or even somebody below you thatis saying I don't know what to
do, please answer right now, itjust adds that overdrive to the
mental fatigue and when it goeson too long, your brain and body
start to shut down in reallylittle subtle ways that we tend
(04:20):
to overlook but add up and thatlooks like forgetfulness and
irritability, especiallysensitive irritability, where
the littlest things justaggravate you.
It can look like troublefocusing or those sleep issues
Because, remember, once our bodystarts settling down, the brain
(04:41):
goes oh look, these are thethings that you forgot about.
Don't forget these.
Remember you said these.
These are the things that youforgot about.
Don't forget these.
Remember you said these wereimportant.
And it keeps creeping back up.
So then that affects how you goto sleep and how well you sleep
at night.
Or for some ladies, it's thatwired but tired feeling where
you're just pooped out butyou're so tired that you can't
(05:04):
even sleep and you kind of feellike your body's going against
you but you don't know what todo.
And why is it so common inwomen?
Well, many women have beenraised to feel that
responsibility of taking care ofeveryone's needs that are
immediately around them.
We're trained, sometimes evenwithout realizing it, to be the
(05:28):
ones who are the caretakers ofremembering, who need to care
for everybody, who do theanticipating, to predict what's
about to happen and who softensthe edges around the world
around us.
And even in equal partnerships,studies show that women carry
(05:48):
most of the share for the mentaland emotional labor of their
household.
It's because they feel likethey have to.
It's the I'll just do itbecause it'll be done faster and
I'll just know that it's done,type of attitude.
But it just adds to thatfatigue.
Instead of having somebody elsedo it for us, we're just like
(06:11):
we're just going to do it andget it done.
So now we need to talk aboutpractical tools to ease that
mental load.
There's the brain dump practicewhere at the end of the day,
you just write it all down.
You don't worry aboutpunctuation or even if it makes
less sense, you just get out ofyour head, write everything
that's floating around in there.
No editing, just raw and dirty.
(06:35):
Just let us know, let yourselfknow what you're feeling.
And it's not a to-do list.
That's the important part.
It's not a to-do list.
It's just you unpacking yourbrain's thoughts onto paper so
it's not twirling around insideyour head while you try to relax
.
You can also do the drop,delegate or do later system.
(06:57):
What this looks like.
This is your mental list andyou can ask yourself these three
questions what can I drop, whatcan I delegate and what can I
do later?
Let's talk about thesequestions.
What can I drop?
There's always something thatdoesn't have an importance, that
(07:17):
needs to get done.
Something can be pushed off forlater.
It might become this needs toget done now, like laundry.
Sometimes you're like I ran outof socks and underwear and now
it needs to get done.
But if, let's say, you have aschedule like Mondays I always
do laundry, but Monday is areally tough day you can say,
okay, I'm going to do thattomorrow so I can drop it for
(07:40):
today's schedule.
What can I delegate?
This is a tricky one.
This is really really hard todo for many, many people,
because it often means that, one, we either have to train
somebody to do it and, two, wehave to accept that it might not
be done perfectly to ourstandards.
(08:03):
Now, this is one that I reallystruggle with.
Let's talk about how todelegate.
In my household, our childrenare responsible for putting away
their laundry.
So, as my husband and myself,we all take care of our own
laundry, and most of us put awayour laundry differently.
(08:29):
Our dressers look different,how they're organized looks
different, how we fold theclothes all look different, and
it doesn't mean that one way iswrong and one way is better.
It is how each person decidedwhat works best for them, and so
I might choose to fold pantsone way, but somebody else does
it a different way, and though Iwant to say, oh, we should fold
(08:50):
it this way because that's theway I do it, that's not what's
best for everyone and we have toknow that that is okay because
it's them and it's their dresser.
So you would just have todecide is this something that is
not a big deal?
And to accept to just let thatgo because it's not worth the
fight, it's not worth thatmental load and it's okay.
(09:12):
And it will be okay becauseagain it'll be taken out of the
drawer.
You're going to wear it, it'llgo back in the laundry and it's
not your dresser, don't worryabout it, you worry about yours.
Next one is what can I do laterinstead of right now, taking
away that urgency to say this isokay for another time?
And it kind of goes back tothat laundry idea If you can't
do it Monday and Monday isalways the day that you do it
(09:34):
you can do it later.
This helps train your brainthat not everything needs to be
done at once right now, or evenpossibly by you.
It can be taken done bysomebody else sometimes.
Next, we need to rest withoutguilt.
This one is more emotional andnot logistical.
(09:58):
It's where we give ourselvespermission to rest before we
quote unquote earn it, and notbecause you got your checklist
done and you finished everything, and not because you're on the
verge of a breakdown, butbecause rest is productive and
your nervous system needs it tothink clearly and to feel safe.
(10:21):
And this was a struggle that Idid have to work through.
I had to actually schedule inrest in my day.
I blocked off that time becauseI have a hard time sitting.
Still, I want to do something,I want to get something done.
I want to be quote unquoteproductive.
But rest is productive.
It's helpful and it's necessary.
(10:42):
Which brings us into the lastone is routines.
Routines help our mind predictwhat's coming next.
It's taking that time whenwe're not in our fight or flight
mode where we have to getsomething done right, right,
right now.
It's okay, I know this can getdone.
We have to do it.
It's part of our routine.
(11:03):
I've done it so many times Idon't even have to think about
it.
So lifting that mental loadbecause it's repetitive and your
brain likes repetitive and itleads to a calmer mind and body
because it already knows what toexpect.
So that will help your nervoussystem, day in and day out, is
(11:23):
just finding a routine thatworks for you and this.
I do have a podcast episodeabout evening routines.
It's one of the beginning ones,but if you want to go ahead and
give that a listen to kind ofgive you some tips on how to
start, that, it's very helpful.
I hope this episode helped giveyou a name to that mental load,
fatigue and permission to stopcarrying it all by yourself.
(11:47):
You don't have to earn yourrest, you don't need to be
everything to everyone, and youare allowed to ask for help to
slow down and to let your mindbe calm and rest.
Thank you for spending sometime with me today.
Remember to breathe and do atleast one thing that makes you
(12:10):
happy.
Thanks for listening to ItStarts at Vagus.
New episodes are released everyTuesday.
If you like this episode, goahead and give it a subscribe
button so that you getnotifications and don't miss out
on what's coming next.
If you'd like a step-by-stepvideo on how to do a pain-free
and easy vagus nerve exercise,grab my free vagus nerve reset
(12:35):
video in the show notes.
It's what I do when I feel likeI just not like myself.
Until next time, remember,wellness starts at vagus.
Do you feel like your brain never shuts off,
even when you're laying down onthe couch trying to relax, like
there's this never-ending to-dolist that's quietly running in
the background but pops back uplouder once your brain and body
start to settle down?
That is called mental loadfatigue and it is the most
(00:21):
invisible but powerful sourcesof stress for women today.
Welcome to It Starts at Vagus,where holistic health meets
modern living through the lensof a massage therapist and
that's me.
I'm Emily and I am aneuromuscular massage therapist
who works directly with thenervous system to help people
(00:41):
relax their muscles and calmtheir minds system to help
people relax their muscles andcalm their minds.
I'm here to guide you inunlocking the philosophy of the
vagus nerve, the body's ultimatekey to calm, connection and
overall well-being.
If stress, anxiety or burnouthave you feeling stuck, you're
in the right place.
Before we start, if you coulddo me a huge favor and hit that
(01:06):
subscribe button.
It encourages me to continue tomake podcast episodes and I
can't tell you how much it helpswhen you hit that like and
subscribe button.
We currently have listeners inover 130 cities and as the show
gets bigger, we can expand thepodcast, bring in guests and
(01:26):
continue to support yourwellness, because I want this
podcast to continue to be worthlistening to and help people all
over the world get stress andanxiety relief.
Naturally, thank you toeveryone who has already
subscribed.
I truly appreciate it.
Now take a deep breath andlet's explore how we can use our
nervous system to support ourbodies.
(01:48):
Let's take a second just to namewhat's really happening here,
and that is the mental loadfatigue.
This isn't just about beingtired.
It's just more than that.
You're carrying a mental loadthat never seems to end.
Most of it is invisible, butyour nervous system still feels
(02:09):
every ounce of it.
So what exactly is mental loadfatigue and why is it hitting so
many women so hard right now?
But before we talk about that,I need you to know something you
are not lazy, you're notunorganized, and no, it's just
not that mom brain or that youneed to manage your time better.
(02:32):
This is something that so manywomen go through, especially
those who are caregivers,nurturers, the emotional guide
of the household, and especiallythose high achievers that are
trying to keep all the balls inthe air without letting them
fall down and break.
So no, you're not broken.
You're just carrying too muchon your mind and your nervous
(02:54):
system is waving that white flagsaying I need help.
So what is mental load fatigue?
Mental load fatigue is a kind ofexhaustion that doesn't come
from physical labor, but itcomes from thinking and planning
, scheduling, anticipating,juggling people and their
(03:14):
schedules, and it's constantlyremembering all of that and that
just goes on and on.
It's the invisible list in yourhead that goes don't forget to
grab the milk, and we need toreschedule the dentist, and
don't forget to order thebirthday gifts.
Check on that friend that washaving a hard time the other day
(03:35):
.
Don't forget that email.
That just keeps going.
And it's that invisible listthat we don't write down.
Now to that we are going to addthat executive functioning
overload and that is theconstant decision-making with
the demand of fast answer.
So, whether that is little onesalways asking questions and
(03:58):
wanting that sharp reply, or aboss who says here's this
problem, what do we do about it?
Or even somebody below you thatis saying I don't know what to
do, please answer right now, itjust adds that overdrive to the
mental fatigue and when it goeson too long, your brain and body
start to shut down in reallylittle subtle ways that we tend
(04:20):
to overlook but add up and thatlooks like forgetfulness and
irritability, especiallysensitive irritability, where
the littlest things justaggravate you.
It can look like troublefocusing or those sleep issues
Because, remember, once our bodystarts settling down, the brain
(04:41):
goes oh look, these are thethings that you forgot about.
Don't forget these.
Remember you said these.
These are the things that youforgot about.
Don't forget these.
Remember you said these wereimportant.
And it keeps creeping back up.
So then that affects how you goto sleep and how well you sleep
at night.
Or for some ladies, it's thatwired but tired feeling where
you're just pooped out butyou're so tired that you can't
(05:04):
even sleep and you kind of feellike your body's going against
you but you don't know what todo.
And why is it so common inwomen?
Well, many women have beenraised to feel that
responsibility of taking care ofeveryone's needs that are
immediately around them.
We're trained, sometimes evenwithout realizing it, to be the
(05:28):
ones who are the caretakers ofremembering, who need to care
for everybody, who do theanticipating, to predict what's
about to happen and who softensthe edges around the world
around us.
And even in equal partnerships,studies show that women carry
(05:48):
most of the share for the mentaland emotional labor of their
household.
It's because they feel likethey have to.
It's the I'll just do itbecause it'll be done faster and
I'll just know that it's done,type of attitude.
But it just adds to thatfatigue.
Instead of having somebody elsedo it for us, we're just like
(06:11):
we're just going to do it andget it done.
So now we need to talk aboutpractical tools to ease that
mental load.
There's the brain dump practicewhere at the end of the day,
you just write it all down.
You don't worry aboutpunctuation or even if it makes
less sense, you just get out ofyour head, write everything
that's floating around in there.
No editing, just raw and dirty.
(06:35):
Just let us know, let yourselfknow what you're feeling.
And it's not a to-do list.
That's the important part.
It's not a to-do list.
It's just you unpacking yourbrain's thoughts onto paper so
it's not twirling around insideyour head while you try to relax
.
You can also do the drop,delegate or do later system.
(06:57):
What this looks like.
This is your mental list andyou can ask yourself these three
questions what can I drop, whatcan I delegate and what can I
do later?
Let's talk about thesequestions.
What can I drop?
There's always something thatdoesn't have an importance, that
(07:17):
needs to get done.
Something can be pushed off forlater.
It might become this needs toget done now, like laundry.
Sometimes you're like I ran outof socks and underwear and now
it needs to get done.
But if, let's say, you have aschedule like Mondays I always
do laundry, but Monday is areally tough day you can say,
okay, I'm going to do thattomorrow so I can drop it for
(07:40):
today's schedule.
What can I delegate?
This is a tricky one.
This is really really hard todo for many, many people,
because it often means that, one, we either have to train
somebody to do it and, two, wehave to accept that it might not
be done perfectly to ourstandards.
(08:03):
Now, this is one that I reallystruggle with.
Let's talk about how todelegate.
In my household, our childrenare responsible for putting away
their laundry.
So, as my husband and myself,we all take care of our own
laundry, and most of us put awayour laundry differently.
(08:29):
Our dressers look different,how they're organized looks
different, how we fold theclothes all look different, and
it doesn't mean that one way iswrong and one way is better.
It is how each person decidedwhat works best for them, and so
I might choose to fold pantsone way, but somebody else does
it a different way, and though Iwant to say, oh, we should fold
(08:50):
it this way because that's theway I do it, that's not what's
best for everyone and we have toknow that that is okay because
it's them and it's their dresser.
So you would just have todecide is this something that is
not a big deal?
And to accept to just let thatgo because it's not worth the
fight, it's not worth thatmental load and it's okay.
(09:12):
And it will be okay becauseagain it'll be taken out of the
drawer.
You're going to wear it, it'llgo back in the laundry and it's
not your dresser, don't worryabout it, you worry about yours.
Next one is what can I do laterinstead of right now, taking
away that urgency to say this isokay for another time?
And it kind of goes back tothat laundry idea If you can't
do it Monday and Monday isalways the day that you do it
(09:34):
you can do it later.
This helps train your brainthat not everything needs to be
done at once right now, or evenpossibly by you.
It can be taken done bysomebody else sometimes.
Next, we need to rest withoutguilt.
This one is more emotional andnot logistical.
(09:58):
It's where we give ourselvespermission to rest before we
quote unquote earn it, and notbecause you got your checklist
done and you finished everything, and not because you're on the
verge of a breakdown, butbecause rest is productive and
your nervous system needs it tothink clearly and to feel safe.
(10:21):
And this was a struggle that Idid have to work through.
I had to actually schedule inrest in my day.
I blocked off that time becauseI have a hard time sitting.
Still, I want to do something,I want to get something done.
I want to be quote unquoteproductive.
But rest is productive.
It's helpful and it's necessary.
(10:42):
Which brings us into the lastone is routines.
Routines help our mind predictwhat's coming next.
It's taking that time whenwe're not in our fight or flight
mode where we have to getsomething done right, right,
right now.
It's okay, I know this can getdone.
We have to do it.
It's part of our routine.
(11:03):
I've done it so many times Idon't even have to think about
it.
So lifting that mental loadbecause it's repetitive and your
brain likes repetitive and itleads to a calmer mind and body
because it already knows what toexpect.
So that will help your nervoussystem, day in and day out, is
(11:23):
just finding a routine thatworks for you and this.
I do have a podcast episodeabout evening routines.
It's one of the beginning ones,but if you want to go ahead and
give that a listen to kind ofgive you some tips on how to
start, that, it's very helpful.
I hope this episode helped giveyou a name to that mental load,
fatigue and permission to stopcarrying it all by yourself.
(11:47):
You don't have to earn yourrest, you don't need to be
everything to everyone, and youare allowed to ask for help to
slow down and to let your mindbe calm and rest.
Thank you for spending sometime with me today.
Remember to breathe and do atleast one thing that makes you
(12:10):
happy.
Thanks for listening to ItStarts at Vagus.
New episodes are released everyTuesday.
If you like this episode, goahead and give it a subscribe
button so that you getnotifications and don't miss out
on what's coming next.
If you'd like a step-by-stepvideo on how to do a pain-free
and easy vagus nerve exercise,grab my free vagus nerve reset
(12:35):
video in the show notes.
It's what I do when I feel likeI just not like myself.
Until next time, remember,wellness starts at vagus.
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