E04 Introducing KT Hot Take: Not Your Mom's Advice Column

We're kicking off our brand-new segment, KT Hot Take, where we dish out unfiltered advice- no PhDs here, but plenty of opinions. In this first edition a listener brings us a complicated dating dilemma, and boy do we have thoughts. Buckle up for hot takes, real talk, and plenty of personal oversharing (as always).

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Hey guys, I'm Tori. I'm Kimberly.
And welcome. To it's nothing.
It's everything the show your friends will thank you for
recommending and your enemies will be annoyed they didn't find
first. Don't forget to subscribe.
Share and I fucked it up. It's fine.
Keep going. Yeah, share it with somebody
cool. Or somebody who's not cool that

(00:21):
needs to be cool. And leave a review so glowing it
needs sunscreen. SPF fiddy fiddy, get that 75.
Remember the did your parents ever do like the Hawaiian Tropic
oil, the like SPF 5I? I remember my dad laying out in
the backyard with the Hawaiian Tropic and I'm like, first of

(00:43):
all, us pale. I Irish Scots, we don't do, we
don't lay out in the sun. My dad would even my dad
wouldn't even use sunscreen likehe would just bake.
But my dad, I mean like we are Italian and so like we tan very
easily, but he gets like brown dark tan like.
More than you do. Oh yeah, my dad beats everybody.

(01:04):
You get so brown. We, it's so funny.
We have like, we just we. But like at some point in my
life we were trying to compete. Like Tan?
Which is not good for your skin,But I was like, dad, you have to
start wearing and he's like, Nah, Nah, I'm not there.
But he does. His tan is beautiful and it is

(01:24):
very, very, but it is I is dork and it doesn't matter how hard.
I just get like redder and then it just stops.
Like there's no I, there's. It's used up all the melanin
like there's nothing else. I want to see Tori where her
skin matches her hair. I but I mean, in high school, we
used to take that brown bottle, right?
It smelled like coconuts and bananas.

(01:47):
And I went to Chelan with a girlfriend.
It was just like her and I, it was like, so we felt so cool
because we were still in high school, of course.
And we went on her dock. We went through an entire bottle
of that and we baked like cookies out on that dock for, I
don't know, 10 hours. Oh my God, 10 direct hours of

(02:08):
sun exposure. Yeah, and we seriously went
through an entire bottle of that.
It was brown. Still smells so delightful to me
though. It's so good, but it's so bad.
So bad. It's so bad.
And I have the older I get. Like my skin notices when I
don't have sunscreen. I have sunscreen in my car.
I put it on every morning even though we live in the Pacific
Northwest. I don't care.

(02:30):
Well, no, because we also live in a part of the area where it's
part of the area, a part of the world where it's sneaky is sun
exposure, right, because it's overcast so much of the time.
But that doesn't mean that you have more protection from the
sun. That's when I was when I always
get super sunburned. Going skiing is on the overcast
days that skiers nose come on. Knock you up for the first time.

(02:51):
I burnt my forehead the other day.
Like when it started to get niceand I put some scream in my
face. I didn't, I didn't.
But like, we were running at thegym and we were running outside
and and I didn't like sweating. Because you had that glistening,
that nice. I have the my own oil.
That nice magnifying glass of sweat on your forehead?

(03:12):
Yeah, just begging yourself likea bun.
And I was like I. Looked at my face and I said
what's that? And my nose will always get red.
Like my nose will get red, nevermy forehead.
And I was like, oh God, well. Getting old.
Getting old. Caring about sunscreen, SPFS and
stuff it's so important. Caring about like not getting
skin. Cancer.
I mean, my mom's had skin cancer.
Like I can't so many times. I cannot count.

(03:35):
Same. Same with my dad, yeah.
And I got her very moly, like mymother, my mom's very moly, but
lighter skinned. My dad, but I got the melanin
from my father. Well, that was nice of him.
But my brother's alabaster like,he's like.
Oh, that's true. Yeah, he's super fair skinned
and he cannot tan like he goes lobster red like that and then

(03:56):
and then back to white and then back to white.
That's me. Unless he was when he was a
cycling, he had the cycling tan.Oh, like a good farmer's tan.
Oh, and that lasted for years because it's so deep in his skin
that it was just like when he didn't have a shirt on.
It looked like he had a shirt on.
Just a white shirt. On his body's like this is just
how we produce. Melon.
Yeah, and his legs, like the beautifully tan forearms and

(04:19):
calves. And calves.
The rest is a. Lot of white.
I am the same. I burn, I lobster and then I go
back to white like when we go toMexico and I lay out literally
every day. But I also have to like regiment
myself. Yes, I come home and people are
like, oh. Where'd you go, Iceland?
What do you mean? Yeah.
What do you mean? You went to Mexico, You're

(04:39):
supposed. To look glowier than that,
right? Did you ever do tanning beds in
high school? Yes, with the sticker, I would
just wear underwear too sometimes just so I could have
like the underwear tan line, youknow, I was like naked the rest
of it. Yeah, you know, I yeah, no, I
definitely did that. Tanning beds and acrylic nails

(05:01):
with a French tip. Still got it.
Not the friendship, but I did. I did, man.
I Yeah. I think I have to go back to
acrylic. I start, I am.
That's where she's. Gel it just like ripped my nails
off the. Gel.
I did gel for such a long time and yeah my nails got so
brittle, which I'm sure this is also doing brittle but but.

(05:21):
It's fine, you just keep going. You just keep going because I
started getting my nails done when I was like 12.
Oh damn. Because because of my eczema, it
was like a medical thing. My mom was very smart and she
was like, I feel like if you hadlike thicker nail when you would
scratch right, I wouldn't RIP open.
My skin wouldn't like paper cut yourself.

(05:43):
And it's real. That's smart.
I should have gotten. Come on, let's pay for it.
I didn't. But so, yeah, I've been getting
my nails since since I was like 12.
And now it's just like so part of my life.
It can't not be part. I can't.
Sure, I get it. But it was.
I mean, smart, smart move. Way to go, mom.
But now I just have. But I went back to acrylic.
I did dips for a long time. But like getting dip, you have

(06:05):
to go in, they have to shave offall of it.
And it would take an hour and a half no problem.
Like, all the time. Yeah, it was too, too much and
so expensive. Yeah, but also inflation.
So everything's expensive. I remember when, like, I'd go
get my nails, my hands and my feet done and it was like less
than $50. Oh.
Yeah, it's $110 every time I go now.

(06:26):
I, you know what I really miss that about New York being able
to get a $25 Manny or like a $40Manny Petty.
I was always, I mean, obviously like the market there is very
different because there's a nailsalon on every corner, every
corner. But I every time, I every time,
let's do it every time I move toNew York in the back to the West

(06:47):
Coast, I'm always like, why is it so expensive out here?
Why is it $100 to get a Mani? Petty bananas?
It is bananas. Although they really care about
the post Mani massage here, I feel like they really like dig
into the shoulder massage. Or maybe that's just the.
Place, I think depends on where you go.
There's a one place that yeah, Iwould go 'cause they would

(07:07):
always do that. This place I go, they don't,
they don't care so much. It really bums me out.
But but I do love the owners andso they like every time I walk
in, they remember who I am. That's nice, and that is nice.
Come on, hospitality I. Know they're very nice and
they're like the guy who owns itwill remember I went in with one
of my gay friends one time and he was like such a husband I was

(07:30):
like no he's hella gay and he was like yeah yeah OK because I.
I thought I you know he gave offa why, but you know, I don't
want to like, you know, he. Said Lavender.
Marriages are also valid. OK.
I am just learning about this this title of lavender
marriages. Oh, why is it called that?
What a great question. I could tell you, but I would
just be making it up. OK, because it's no, I'm I'm

(07:55):
sure Google could tell. Us.
Well, I wonder what would happenif we googled that It's fine.
I want to now but anyway keep going.
Hi. Hi, hey, hey, queen.
Hey, hey, girl. Nice sunglasses.
These are my Lady Gaga sunglasses.
I love them. Yeah, I got them from doing a
CrossFit game one time. Feel like I could do my makeup
in the reflection of those. I love a reflective eyewear, I

(08:20):
don't know why though. It's like privacy.
You're like, you can't see my eyes no matter how hard you try.
Yeah, no matter how hard you try, you cannot see me.
I But I yeah, I don't like looking at people who have them
on. I realize 'cause I'm like and
just see my face all the time. You started to tell me
something. Oh my gosh, yes.
So you were in my dream last night and you were the bad guy.

(08:44):
Noah. And we were on a I'm trying to
really remember the, the details.
It's, it was like so vivid. I woke up being like, has this
all been a lie? It's like, I think it was we
were on a plane and like the plane was going down.
I was a bad guy on a plane. Yeah, it was like Conair.

(09:06):
No. I caged.
I was. The cage Did you have the hair?
You. Were one of the you're.
Malkovich. Sure.
Well, sure. But it was a nice plane and we
weren't convicts. Like it was like a secret.
But you like looked at me and you're like, ha, ha, ha.
And I was like, what? I like the evil.
Yes, the evil. Also had your like Pixie red

(09:27):
hair. Oh, well, sure, she was evil,
Yeah. She was just dealing with stuff.
She was just. Going through it, she's a good.
Guy having a bad. Day she really was.
What does Doctor Becky say? You're a good kid having a hard
time. Yeah, I say that all the time.
So what happened? Did you wake up before the plane
crashed? We, no, we, we, I think we like

(09:49):
pulled it out. So we nobody died.
Great. But you definitely were like on
the Lam after that, like you disappeared.
What the hell? What's my problem?
Or maybe what's your problem? What is what's going on in your
brain telling me about our relationship is really what what
that's what I literally. Went I'm going to hijack your
airplane. And I was like, I have to go to

(10:10):
the bathroom because I have to go to the bathroom, you know, a
few times a night. Sure.
And I was like, sitting there being like, why?
Like what happened? What does that mean?
What is the subconscious tellingme about my relationship with
you? And I mean, other than we
literally just started a business together.

(10:30):
And so I'm like, uh oh. I'm gonna hijack your airplane.
It's like you're gonna. We're gonna make our billions
and I'm gonna run off and make all my money.
That's 100% what it means, yeah.Yeah, yeah.
That's why we started this. Yeah, 'cause obviously we could
become billionaires. Billionaires.
Hosting a podcast, first ever. I mean something did.

(10:52):
It if Joe Rogan can do it. Sorry, I just threw up out of my
mouth. Anyway, so yeah, that was my
dream. What a cute dream.
Yeah. What were we wearing?
Oh, I don't. I don't remember.
Now all I see is orange jumpsuits.
Just just completely conflating it with.
Con Air I was like, I loved Con Air though.

(11:13):
I love that movie and Face Off too.
Oh, face off. Come on.
Yeah, so good. Some face off John Travolta.
Yep. Yeah.
Who's the wage? John Travolta, wife.
It's what's her name? Yep, it is.
This is What's her name. It's not going to end what
Marsha Mariska. Mariska Hargitay.

(11:38):
Mariska Hargitay Mariska. Hargitay, I don't remember.
No, I don't either. Again, I could Google it, but
I'm not going to. No.
Well, yeah, that dream is reallyspecial.
Yeah, we should. We should go see.
Let's take it to a psychic. Let's see.
What a psychic. Well, I'm.
Sure they would have. They'd be like she's going to

(11:59):
steal all your millions from. Your podcasts.
Yeah, well, like something I don't.
Know I like that fantasy. Were there other people there
that we knew? Not that we knew, but there were
people there it. Was like a commercial plane.
Yeah, I felt like the plane itself had like little, not
apartments, but like one of those where they had those
sweets. Yeah, like the sweets.
Like we were on a fancy. Plane It was transcontinental

(12:20):
travel. Yeah, how highfalutin.
But you you might have might as well have had like a little
mustache that you were just like.
I obviously was like curling my mustache while.
I jumped out of the plane and you were just like, got you
bitch. And then?
With a parachute and. Parachute.
Oh, sorry, but like a Looney Tunes parachute?
Or like a Mission Impossible. Parachute.
No. Parachute.
Yeah. Mission Impossible.

(12:41):
Oh. Oh, we're high end.
Damn, I know. Sounds.
I you know. In.
Remember, remember it is unique 'cause I I don't remember a lot
of my dreams. Same.
It's hard. It's hard to.
Retain that I think will stick with me.
That's a good one. Yeah, I like that.
Yeah. Well, on that note on that.
Note What are we talking about? It's.
Like a hard right turn. Yeah, we got a voice note, and I

(13:05):
guess I'm gonna keep it anonymous because we didn't
explicitly get permission to share their name, so we'll keep
it anonymous. But somebody sent to sent us a
voice note. Because this is part of our KT
hot take. KT Hot.
Take yeah, hot, hot take that's we'll have to cut that and.

(13:26):
Or, or that's what it's gonna be, the teaser.
Yeah, where our listeners can write in to
[e-mail] find us on insta at It's
nothing. It's everything pod.
Yes. So that you can send us either a

(13:47):
voice. A voice thing, Yeah.
Or write it. Yeah.
And give us, yeah, permission ifyou want to either stay
anonymous or not. Yeah.
Wanna air it all out? So e-mail us or DM us your
questions. No, no topic is off topic.
We I feel like we've had some more serious questions.
Yes. But also we have some great ones

(14:08):
like who's your favorite real? Housewives Real Housewives.
And like, listen, we're gonna dig into all of them, so.
We better start watching the show.
I know. We have to figure out who they
are first. Yeah, OK, let's listen to the
voice note. OK, opening up a can of worms
with this one, but as someone who is in a new relationship or

(14:30):
relatively new relationship withsomeone that has children and
you feel not the most supportivevibes from both parents as in my
parents and my partner's parents.
How would you suggest holding firm and boundaries while
allowing everyone to process andwrap their own minds around the

(14:55):
relationship with the complexities that comes with
blended families? Have fun with this one.
Love you guys. Just straight up dropping bombs
drop have. Fun with this one.
She's like out, I'm out. Good luck, I mean.

(15:17):
Talk about that is a full ass parfait onion situation.
There's a parfait. Onion.
There's a parfait onion so it's sticky and gross.
There's peanuts and onions. Yeah, chocolate, but Lord, where
to start? OK, OK, so fairly new

(15:38):
relationship. He has children.
I'm like, what's fairly new, right?
I have so many. Questions, I mean.
For I wish this were live. Going, yeah, going forth like
there's going to be a lot of moments that we don't know the
full spectrum, yeah. And we're not going to fill it
in, but to paint the picture of what the information that we
have, Yeah. So fairly new.
Fairly new relationship. He has children.

(16:00):
Neither set of parents are supportive.
Yeah, that's a that. Listen, once you add kids into
the mix, it gets tricky. It gets.
That's the sticky. That's the sticky.
That's where the onion meets thepeanut.
Here. Here's what I can say in like a
very generic overview. When you are dating with

(16:20):
children, it is just everything's complicated.
So God and then parents and their big, their big feelings is
like a whole other layer that comes I think with most
relationships regardless. But then when you add kids in
the mix, I feel like everyone isterritorial because everyone

(16:41):
feels like they're trying to protect a small innocent human
because they. Are best interest, best interest
and. If I try to put myself in the
parents shoes, relationships areunpredictable.
Which actually is is not false for marriage right?
Like it's just. Higher stakes, yeah, it just

(17:01):
gets more expensive. It just.
Gets way more expensive but likeyou could be in a new
relationship or you could be in a 10 or 20 or 50 year
established relationship and like.
And you still have to go separate ways.
Yeah, yeah. And it's going to be hard with
kids no matter what. I mean, here's the thing, if you
are a parent, if you are as a single parent and you are

(17:25):
interested in being partnered, there are probably going to be
some hard boundaries that you have to draw with your parents.
Yeah, also it's I don't like it's done your business like
that's yeah, kind of where I'm like it's like thank you, yeah,
thank you for caring. I also like I pre, I mean, I

(17:48):
appreciate the care, but also like this is my life.
Yeah, like you're not in the you're not in the everyday.
You're not seeing those things. You're not seeing my biggest
thing would be like, Are you ready to be slash?
Are you ready to be a mom slash?Yeah.
What are the is the is the, you know, biological mother there?

(18:14):
Are they is it a shared custody?Are they always there like?
Yeah. Is there a divorce apartment
together, right. Is their divorce finalized?
Are they only separated? I mean, I think that that like
the circumstances of the separation of the biological
parents, I think is very important.
Very important. That's a lay lay miss sized red
flag for me. It's a big old red flag.

(18:36):
Like as long as we're on the same page that there's no red
flag, right? Right.
But. But ultimately it's the, the
decision and the details come from the two people in the
relationship. They should come from her and
from the father of the children.They, the, the two of them
together have to decide what their boundaries are with one
another and with regards to the children and then their

(18:56):
boundaries with the outside world.
And that has to be established, I think, before you can get too
far. And I mean, honestly, the, the
tricky thing about dating with children is that like nobody
knows how to do it until you do it.
And then when you do it, every single person is different.
I, I dated the, the person that I dated before I met Nick, I was

(19:18):
very cautious with Roslyn about it was also like nuanced because
we were friends beforehand and so like they already knew each
other. So that it added this layer of
like confusion for me, But I still was very like, I didn't, I
didn't ever want him to be alonewith her in that.
Like I was never going to like rely on him to be primary parent
for her. Because to me it was like, well,

(19:39):
this is still a relationship andwe're still figuring out the
dynamic. And also like he had to figure
out whether or not he really wanted to be in a relationship
where there was an additional responsibility of a small
innocent human. And so I had to hold boundaries
for myself and for my daughter because I didn't feel confident.
I didn't feel confident in me being able to make that decision
to say like, yes, I am willing to let you in a layer deeper

(20:02):
with my child because I hadn't necessarily seen behaviors from
him that made me feel confident in that.
And I don't think that there's anything wrong with that.
I think you have to really like go into it with an open mind and
figure out how. You're gonna respond and react
and also cope like that. You will have to cope because

(20:23):
the majority of the time the other parent is in the picture
still. And what is that relationship
like? And is it healthy on any level?
What is what? There's dysfunction in every
relationship, right? Reason that they're no longer
together. Yes.
What does their dysfunction looklike?
To me, that's more important is like, can you as the person

(20:44):
coming into the relationship without a child, hold strong
enough boundaries with the person that you're dating and
then with the people that come with them, the child and then
the the the other parent who will always be in the picture.
Can you hold strong enough boundaries and clear enough
boundaries? And I hate to use the word

(21:06):
moderate, but like moderate enough boundaries, right?
Like you have to have some kind of flexibility.
But then also, it's going to evolve as you spend time and
learn over time whether or not it's actually realistic for you
to consider being a responsible adult in this child's life.
When what were the? What are the parents like?
Are they just not happy with therelationship in general?

(21:27):
Yeah. What are the parents concerns?
Is it difference in approach to parenting?
Is it difference in approach to relationships?
Is there an age difference? Is there a socioeconomic
difference? Is there right?
Like there's so many variables. But I was the kid have to say
about it. Yeah, yeah.
How? Old is the kid.

(21:48):
How? Old did she say kid or kids?
Either way, how old are they? And then like if you who sent
the voice note, dear, dear reader.
Dear reader. Dear listener, if you have the
ability, which is so hard to remove yourself from the
situation that you are in and step outside of it and look at

(22:09):
it from a neutral perspective, do you think that any of their
concerns are founded? And if yes, sit down with them
and say, hey, you know what? I can, I see that concern and I
agree with that concern or I also have that concern you can
use, if you can relate to any oftheir concerns, you can use that
as a way to get on the same pagewith them and say like, listen,

(22:30):
I'm also concerned about that. And here's what I'm planning to
do to be able to either mitigatethose concerns for myself or
work through them for myself. But I do not believe that either
party in this scenario should bemaking decisions to appease the
parents. I think that's highly
appropriate. I also didn't necessarily get
the impression that that's what she was implying, but I'm sure

(22:50):
it also adds a layer of friction.
But I mean, obviously it was important enough to bring up,
right? Right.
And I, and I'm sure it adds a layer of friction because when
you have a child and especially when you're a single parent,
your parents or your support system to a certain extent.
And so that's a hard thing to bein disagreement about.
It's very hard even as somebody who's not in conflict with,

(23:12):
with, you know, taking the consideration of like help from
your family cause childcare ain't freaking cheap.
Yeah, right. And so like knowing being like
this will cause friction and to what layer of friction am I
going to lose my childcare, Right.

(23:32):
And like there's, there's a lot of others more onion there
because it is like, I don't wantto disapprove so much that they
take their, they take their funding, you know?
Yeah, yeah. That they pull their support.
They pull their support. But I also think there's a big
generational difference here where, and I will speak to my
own experience. When I was a single parent, my

(23:54):
parents were very concerned about who the next person was
going to be. And I was like, I don't that's
that's something I have to figure out.
And I can't just like assume that the next person I date is
going to be the next person because it's still dating and
like, it's so. Fun to begin.
With right and like, I still have to decide if that person

(24:14):
makes sense for me, right? And that it still is a decision
that has to be independent of the child, full stop.
And so then like when you, I mean, I, I, I feel like I'm
really not stuck on. But the thing that keeps coming
back to me is the fact that she said this is a new relationship.
Are the parents expecting anybody to make a decision?

(24:36):
Are the parents having a hard time with the fact that you guys
are exploring the relationship and figuring out if it works for
you or not? Do they have an expectation that
because there is a child in the picture that like you have to
know what you're doing and you have to move forward?
And are you marriage material ornot marriage material?
I don't think that's pressure you should be putting on
yourselves for the relationship.It's also so much more common in

(24:57):
our generation for single parents to date.
People are chosen single parentsoften.
Separations are far more common now, especially now that women
are allowed to ask for divorce, which is only new in the last 50
years. So like the the stigma that
comes along with single parent dating, I feel like it's really

(25:19):
held close by the older parent generations, whereas we see
things very differently. I would say, like, if your
relationship is still new, focuson that.
Yeah. And and it's OK to say that to
the parents, too, to your own parents, too.
Like, we're still just trying tofigure each other out and, like,
navigate whether or not this relationship even makes sense.

(25:42):
And then if you decide at a certain point that you like him
enough that you want to take things to whatever the next
level is, then it becomes a consideration of, like, am I
ready to be a responsible party for an innocent child?
Yeah. I don't think you can look at
the whole thing all at once. You have to take it layer by
layer. Yeah, but it's so hard not to

(26:03):
see the whole picture. I mean, it's so hard to not see
the whole picture because I'd belike, I want to be with this
person, but they also come with this other person.
Yeah. And that person most likely is
going to take up a lot of their time.
Time, energy, resources. Yeah, yeah.
And I mean, yet again, is the kid slash kids, you know, there
all the time or is it is it a newborn?

(26:28):
Is it an independent child? Is it a 15 year old?
Like what are we who is yeah, more independent And you know,
but that also comes with its ownfun things.
I'm sure those mouth kids right being.
Full mouth. You know, be like, you're not
good enough for my dad. Like you're not my mom.
You're not my mom. Oh my God.

(26:48):
You're not my real mom. I'd be like Nope.
I'm not sure not, but you didn'tcome out of my cooter.
This feeling's bad, you know, nomatter what kind of parent I am.
I don't know why the kids stealing, but well sure, I've
written a whole story in my headabout this.
You have decided this 15 year old is a kleptomaniac.
You said take a component by component.

(27:09):
I said no, I want to take it all.
All of it. I want the whole.
Cake. Full drama.
I want drama. We are going.
Days of our lives we are going. No, because that doesn't benefit
anybody. But like, the hard thing is
communication. Yeah, yeah.
And how well do you and this person and your partner
communicate and how well can younavigate those uncomfortable

(27:31):
conversations? Can you first of all sit down
with yourself and look for the things that make you
uncomfortable about this relationship?
Like, can you set aside, especially if it's a new
relationship and the hormones and everybody's feeling great
and it's like, Oh my God, it's amazing.
Colored glasses. Yeah.
But like can you in this moment find the things that make you

(27:54):
uncomfortable and then talk about those things with your
partner? Because the sooner you can do
that, the sooner you can start navigating towards the bigger,
more uncomfortable conversationsof like, how do we navigate if
we are, if this relationship continues to move forward, how
do we each envision parenting? And what does that mean to the

(28:16):
non biological person, parent, responsible party, whatever
title you choose to go with further on down the line, right?
Like you have to be able to workyour way towards those
hypothetical conversations without committing to them.
Yeah. And that can be really hard.
Well. Right.
Because it could shift, Yeah, inany moment, right?
Yeah, so I mean, that's a lot. That's a lot of mental

(28:39):
fortitude, you know, to think about because dating is hard as
it is. God dating.
Could you imagine? Could you imagine?
Makes more vomit to think about.I'd be like you stuck with me
babe. Patty and I are there for till
death. And then some.
And then some, because just out of the sheer will of not wanting

(28:59):
to have to date trash watching, people have to do it now.
Oh, you know, but God bless likeGod bless.
Get out there. I mean, and just because it's
different and or more difficult doesn't mean you shouldn't do
it. And if you decide for you that
the difference or the difficultyis not sustainable, that has to

(29:22):
be your decision and not your parents decision.
And I think that it's very appropriate for you to create a
hard boundary and say this is not your conversation to have.
You can express your concerns ornot.
If you don't want to hear their concerns.
You also have the right to say I'm not interested in hearing
your concerns. Right now I'm I'm working on
figuring this out for myself. I'm not looking for outside

(29:43):
input. Yeah, yeah, because of the Also
like, do you respect the parentsopinion?
Yeah, because you might not. Yeah, you know I have.
And that's OK. Like, I think totally, you know,
I mean, that's coming from somebody who's a parent pleaser.
And that's been a hard lesson for me in from teenage years to

(30:07):
even now where it's like, I might not agree with everything
that my parents feel. Yeah.
And like getting uncomfortable, like being uncomfortable.
Be like, Oh my gosh. Well, then I'll just do it their
way. Like I remember I had a
boyfriend in high school who I was told I can't be with and by.

(30:29):
Your parents. Why?
Did he have a child? No, he did not have a child.
He was a child himself. He he super smart dude like took
the SA TS got it perfect withoutstudying one of those like just
he is he have full blown genius but he had some real darkness.

(30:51):
Well, when you're that smart, your brain just functions
differently. Like you function differently
and so you but and you know, my mom was a teacher of his and was
like, you have some darkness, but you also have some really
lightness. Like you get to choose like you
choose what journey, what shade you want to be.
And he just always wanted to go got into like body modifications

(31:15):
and piercings when we were in college.
Sure, uh huh. And did a suspension.
Yes, suspension, for those who don't know out there was where
you take big ol meat hooks and you hook it in your back like a
fucking fish and somebody hoistsyou up and it's supposed to be
euphoric and blah blah blah, whatever like that's your free

(31:38):
flag to fly. But because I was in love with
this boy, I went and it was in we lived in New York like you
watched it. Oh yes, I went to quote UN quote
support him and I but there's a picture of me.
This is before face like this isfresh Facebook fresh only
colleges on Facebook right. This is that era and somebody,

(32:01):
there is a picture of him hanging and I am in the
background with my arms crossed just being like, so like, look
at you, you idiot. What was going through your
head? I mean, there's probably a
little bit of disassociating, you know, like, just like, where
am I? Like we're in the middle of

(32:21):
fucking Brooklyn and in some person's home and you know, and
he was like, I'm not going to tell people about it.
This is not a boy who did not tell thing tell people about
things. And it's because he was because
he was like, I'm doing it for the feeling, right?
And I was like, OK, and I as wanted to be a supportive
partner. And so I go, oh, man, when they

(32:45):
took him down, it's really the weird you sense of tummy.
People plug it up because it like he laid down, right?
They take you down. I mean, I think also just sheer
amazement of the human body. Like how did the meat hooks not
RIP out of your back? Like I was like, I was like, how
is that going to hold? How is that going to hold?
Like I was just like, I was more, I was like in just

(33:06):
fascinated. But like in no, there's not a
life in where that's what I wantto do with my time.
And so they took him down. They put him on the back.
They're like, there are going tobe some air buckets.
And so they started his low backand they pushed the air pockets
out and it was like out of theseholes.
And I was just like, anyway, long story long, there was up

(33:30):
that picture and somebody put iton Facebook.
And since my mom taught at the high school where he had still
some friends, they all ran to mymother and they showed her and
my mom. And now she's 3000 miles away
and cannot do anything you're doing.
And she is 100%. And I mean, like my mom's
always, they were so supportive.Like they knew his name was

(33:53):
Andrew. And you know, he is no longer
with us. The dark side got him putty,
fentanyl got him. Oh, shit.
And that was probably in the last two years that that
happened and or at least that's what I was told.
That's what happened. But anyway, he he at the he.

(34:15):
So they all showed him or my mom, my mom went to the
counselor. She sat in the counselor's
office and cried and. She went to the school
counselor. She went to the school counselor
and cried and then she went homeand told my father.
And that is where it really, I think the tides turned because
my dad, who was a pilot at the time, he was like, hey, Easter,
this is a, Oh my God, Easter just happened.

(34:36):
This is an anniversary. We're having an anniversary real
time because on Easter, he, he never flew to the East Coast
like he was, you know, he never did, but he was like, hey, I
have like a random flight. I'd love to take you out.
Easter, Easter brunch. Oh, how convenient.
And so I was like, OK, that's all right.
So he's like, let's just like you and me.
And so we went to God. What is it?
St. John's on like 5th Ave.

(34:58):
Sure, right. That big beautiful church.
And we were there Easter Sunday.And here's my dad and he's like,
you have to break up with him. He said, huh, No, yeah, they
were right. But like, also it was also.
I probably would have figured itout myself.
Yeah. I mean, hopefully.
Sure. Right.
I mean, 'cause this was the, this is the beginning of the

(35:20):
end. That was like, that was the
pinnacle point where it pivoted because then I went, I went to
his, he was at NYU while I was at AMDA and in New York and I
went and I broke up with him after, after my dad, my dad
talked. He was like, you have to.
And I had never disagreed with my like, you know, I'm, I'd
never disagreed with my family. Sure.
And so I was like, OK. And so I did, I went and I and

(35:44):
probably 2 hours later I went begging back and being like, I'm
kidding, I'm in love with you. And but that was that had pushed
him past the point he was like, I can't trust you and so.
We did, you tell him like my parents?
Don't yeah. And, and he was like, I, so we,
I can't remember if we got back together then and then broke up,

(36:06):
broke up later. If we broke up, we, no, we got
back together. But then there was the uphill
climb of like for me, of talkingto my parents and be like, I'm
with this person, I love them. I don't understand why you can't
support me in that. Yeah.
Then we, he and I did break up. And I had the worst summer of my
life 'cause I was still trying to like hang out with them,

(36:27):
'cause our groups of group of friends were still hanging out.
I did some really self-destructive things and it
was actually my brother who was like, we're at a subway randomly
and I'll remember this. He's.
Like in New York. No, this is summer.
So I was back for the summer andwe are at a subway with like my
best friend and he was like listen to her.
And I was like just I was like full Avril Lavigne depression

(36:51):
mode. Like I was just like, so sad.
All that iron bangs over when? I yeah, there was like a lot of
makeup going on and like, and I would put myself in places I
should not have been, like when we'd go and like have a party at
the house he was living at. And there's like girls, he's
like piercing people's vaginas and things like that.
And I'm just like, yeah, it's fine.

(37:12):
I'm, I'm that doesn't affect me at all, you know, like horrible,
horrible. It was a real painting with
colors. Now that's, you know, some of my
past and so, but my brother was like, you know what, Tor, you
can be with him. You can like if let's just,
let's just give it six months. Just give it a few months.

(37:36):
And if it's meant to be, then betogether.
Yeah, like in a few months, onceyou've had just like a breath,
like then be together. But like, maybe that breath will
and the breath is what I needed.Yeah, what's that?
Anxious. Attachment, like, but the fact
that somebody like gave me, theyweren't just like do this and I

(37:57):
didn't want to do that. Yeah, you know what?
Like he gave me an option. Yeah, yeah.
He gave me, He gave you. He put you in the driver's seat.
And yeah. And so like, that was a real
like, oh, I guess there's going to be times in my life that I
don't agree with my parents. Yeah.
And I still love them. Like, two things can be true at
the same time, right? Like, I still love my parents.
And I think that, yes, they wereright.

(38:19):
Right. Like, they were right.
But I wanted to get, I think I needed to get there in my, in my
own terms. I needed to see some of the
shenanigans and thank God because for his life, it went
down into a deep dumpster and hetook some of the people with
him. Some.
Well, yeah, there's there's other parts of that story that

(38:40):
I'm sure we'll do a whole podcast about because there's
some there's some friendships that were ruined and some life
lessons for me that were like, oh, trust is.
So it affected your whole circle, not.
Just it was my whole circle and what was the and I'm very
blessed because I went gosh, after Amda, I moved to LA after

(39:05):
which there was the there because he was still in New
York, but then he couldn't afford to go there anymore.
Went to another place with one of my old, my ex best friends.
Oh, they started a drug running company.
Company. I'm sure they paid taxes.
Yeah, I'm sure, you know, and I mean just he like came back into

(39:28):
my life very few times as I think just a gentle reminder of
like where it could have gone. When I was engaged to Pat, he
randomly called and I remember picking up the phone.
It was like before caller ID. And so I just picked up the
phone and I heard his voice and it was like my this, my heart
dropped into my butt. I was like, oh God.

(39:49):
And I like he was like, hey, what's up?
You know, just like checking in.That's weird out of nowhere.
Yeah, and I was like with Pat. And did your full ass body
respond? Were you shaking?
No. Yeah.
I was like I full adrenaline. Yeah.
And I was like, do I tell? Like do I tell Pat?
Like it was just. Yeah, it was like it was like
part of me reverted back to college Tori and didn't know.

(40:13):
And I am a believer that that you have multiple soul mates
like I am. I think that absolutely right.
And with different versions of yourselves, you have the soul
mates that you have. And he was one of mine.
Like I do truly still believe that.
And but man, anyway, this is noteven about me, but like but the
that that clash of me and my parents.

(40:36):
Like I think there's still some grown-ups who have to follow
what their parents say. Like, they're so indoctrinated
into that family dynamic, but that is also probably part of
the onion that we're talking about.
It's like, how indoctrinated areyou?
Yeah. Can you say no to your parents
and still be authentically yourself?

(40:58):
Yeah, and and what? Is it the first time or are you
used to that? Right.
And what rifts does that cause for you if you say no to your
parents and and is there validity in their concern,
right. Like there's so many
considerations. Do you believe that anyone's
concern has validity at at any point?
And just because you do doesn't mean you have to address it

(41:19):
either. You fully have the right to say,
I'm not willing to talk about that right now.
I have to figure my shit out first.
I. Wish I had the four.
I wish I had that tool. I mean.
I wish I had that tool. I don't.
I mean, is it? Why do you have that tool?
Therapy. Everybody needs therapy.
Everybody needs therapy. And drugs are good.
And drug? Well, some.

(41:39):
Well, some. Well, as we just learned, we
just learned some drugs are not good, some are bad, some are
bad, bad. But.
But you have the right, this is your life, right?
And unless you are, I mean, thenthen it gets messy, right?
Like unless you are living underyour parents roof and they're
buying your groceries, which I certainly hope if you're dating
a man with a child, you're none of those things are true for
you. But like if there is a

(42:01):
situational dynamic that does allow them to, to have an input
on your life choices, I would say #1 get out of that
situation. But like, unless that's
happening, unless your parents are paying your bills, I don't
think they really get to have a say on how you live your life.
They can express concern and youcan either take time to hear it
and hold space for it or not. And both of those decisions are

(42:23):
your decisions to make. But like, I would say the
biggest thing is you and your partner together, independent of
the whole rest of the world, have to get clear on what your
on what your relationship foundation is.
And then you guys also have to get clear like, is this a long
term thing? Are we just feeling it out?

(42:43):
You also don't have to go into it saying is this a long term
thing, right? But like, that's something that
you do have to think about at some point.
But in the meantime, he's a single parent, he's going to
date, it's going to happen. His child or children are going
to meet people that he's dating.That's a normal part of being a
single parent. Well, and how does he
communicate with his child aboutthose things too?

(43:05):
Yeah, I think really matters. And I think that as long as you
guys are on the same page, right?
Like I, I think about when my parents got divorced, I was very
exposed to both of them dating. I met several of each of their
partners throughout my childhoodand that was fine.
I mean that luckily neither of them brought any ever brought
anyone dangerous home. So, you know, they were both

(43:27):
smart about that. But the reality is if you are a
single parent and you do not want to be a single parent, you
want to be a partnered parent, you're going to date, which
means your child is going to meet people and that's just the
way it goes. And so if that's the thing that
they're not OK with, sorry parents, but tough shit a little
bit. Because if, if he's going to be

(43:50):
pursuing that for his own visionof his own life, then that's
just what it is. That's just how it goes.
But I, I think, you know, at therisk of repeating myself for the
five millionth time, I don't think so.
You individually, as your very own person, have to get on some
kind of page for yourself. First step.

(44:12):
And then second step is you and your partner have to get on the
same page about very, very basicthings.
And then you also have to, I think this is also a great
opportunity to learn and witnesshow he handles boundaries with
his parents. Does he?
Allow. What are the lessons you're
learning from watching? That's a that's good.

(44:34):
Right, like does he allow his parents opinion to influence his
decisions? Right.
Has he learned that lesson? Land?
Does he allow his yeah. Does he allow his parents
decisions to influence you? Like is he letting it bleed over
into your experience? If either of those things are
true, I would say, babe, take a step back like you don't wanna
get, you don't wanna get tangledin that, especially when there's

(44:57):
a child involved. However, if he has the ability
to draw that hard line in the sand, then that's and that's his
job to do. It's not yours.
It's your job to manage your parents opinion and it's his job
to manage his parents opinion. And if both of you guys can do
that successfully, great. You've already done one of the
big hard things. And then you get together and
get on the same page and you sayeither like we're just feeling

(45:19):
it out and that's great. Or you say like we're really
excited about each other and we want to see where this goes and
like we're excited about the potential future of this and
that's also fine. But like get really clear
together on, I feel like this isa marketing exercise.
Get really clear together on what your messaging is.
And we'll circle back. Knowing your knowing your target
audience is going to be a difficult and probably slightly

(45:41):
ignorant target audience. And then from there it's going
to go how it goes. But like if either party of
parents has the impression that they get to be part of the
decision making, there's bigger problem.
And I say light that shit on fire and run away.

(46:02):
Or it becomes a test, right? No.
Or it becomes a test, right? Like can he make a different
decision? Can he then decide to establish
boundaries? Or how do you?
Work through it together, yeah. Or what can you work through
together? Yeah.
Yeah, it's, I mean, God, adulting is hard.
Adulting is hard, first of all, and then dating is hard.
Or. And then when you add a child
into the mix, I think there's this idea that we all want to

(46:24):
protect the innocent child, right In the scenario, which I
get, I mean, I, yeah, like, I get, I get that impulse so
deeply. But like, you can't use the
child as a weapon to try to havecontrol over adults lives.
Oh. Yeah, that's good.
I mean, listen, I want to followup.
I want I have so. Many, to this person who sent in

(46:45):
this question, First off I want to say thank you.
Yes, like thank you for. Trusting us.
Thank you for I mean, yeah, the,the fact that you trust us with
such an intense and beautiful nuanced question.
I mean that's like, so that's sonice that you trust us.
Honored by that. So there's that two.
We'd love a follow up please. Like can we have a Part 2?

(47:06):
Yeah. Can we get what I'm doing?
Can you answer the questions of?How old is it?
How old? How?
Old these babies. What?
Yeah. Well, I just want to know what?
Yeah. Where's the other mom?
What are the parents? What are the parents?
Specific concerns. Yeah.
And also like, how do you feel? Yeah, I think period, point
blank, do not pass go. Yeah, with that, you're number

(47:29):
one. You're #1.
And the the last thing that I will just preemptively warn you
about is when you are accustomedto being an independent adult in
relationships. Which this person is very
independent. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. And when you are accustomed to
being an independent adult in relationships, and then you find
yourself in a relationship whereyou don't get to make #1
decisions for yourself anymore because all of your decisions

(47:51):
are going to be influenced by the best interest of the child.
I think you also really have to get clear with yourself.
Is that a sacrifice that you're ready to make?
And it's also OK if you don't know the answer, but you have to
know that it will be a sacrificeto be with this person.
And I do not think that's a bad thing at all.
But it will be different than any other childless
relationship. And so does that additional

(48:16):
consideration. Do you feel ready to be that
kind of selfless in a relationship?
And if the answer is no, that's OK.
And if the answer is yes, that'sOK.
But you have to know that for yourself first.
Let me. See.
'Cause you know, kids are a lot.Oh, kids are a lot and they just
keep changing and. They and they really love to

(48:38):
throw a stick in. The but I will say it's the
fastest way to grow. It really is.
I mean, never did I get wiser faster.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So listen, send us all of your
questions. Yeah.
Or hot tops, Hot tops. Stop.
That was supposed to be topics, but I stopped at tops.

(49:01):
Hot Topic hot tub. That's hot pocket.
Yes, hot pocket. That should be the Jingle for
our hot take. Hot topic Hot hot.
Wait. Too many syllables.
No, too many things. I'm trying to fit too many

(49:21):
things into a small place. Well, God bless it.
Can be done, it just takes time and.
You know, so lubrication send usa send us a question, send us
like comment, share. Can you subscribe?
I don't know. Yeah, on Spotify.
Oh, we're about to go live on Apple too.
For those of you who've been asking, We know.
We know that we are not on Appleyet.

(49:42):
We know. We're sorry.
We're sorry. We know.
We know it's coming. It's coming.
Actually, by the time this episode's live, it will already
be there. We're also on Apple now.
Hooray. So do all of that.
Give us the stars that you believe we deserve.
Which is. Which is 5.
[e-mail] on insta where it's nothing,

(50:05):
it's everything pod which you should be following us there
anyway because we have fun shenanigans over there because.
Also, we will put like things that have to do with the the
episodes that are going up. Yeah, on there.
Yeah, like when Tori talks aboutAvril Lavigne.
Tori we'll probably have to posta photo of.
Her maybe I can find that picture.
I we don't want that on our Oh, it's chunky.

(50:29):
Everything was chunky back then,right?
Chunky earrings, chunky necklaces, chunky belts, chunky
shoes, gaucho pants. Yeah.
Skirts with Ugg boots. Like, was I cold?
Was I hot? I don't know.
Two layer lace tank top. Yeah, it's back.
Go to Fred Meyer's. Anyway on that.
See you next Tuesday. Yeah.
See you next Tuesday. OK, bye.

(50:51):
OK, bye. Right at an hour.
Fucking crushed it.