May 19, 2025 • 53 mins
We're diving into one of our favorite spicy topics: being agreeable vs. being authentic. This one's for the people pleasers and the people who've been steamrolled by one. From fake-nice trauma to boundary-setting breakthroughs, we’re getting real about the cost of keeping the peace. Just some hard-earned wisdom from two recovering “nice girls” on a healing journey.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Do you have to? Do her room town.
No, OK, we already did it. OK, figure it out.
Figure it out. Figure it out.
Knick knack. OK.
Knick knack knack Patty Wack. Sorry.
Sorry, sorry. Oh.
(00:21):
My God. Oh.
God, it's coming. The devil, it's coming out just
crawling out of me. Sorry about that.
OK, OK. 678. Hi, friends.
I'm Kimberly. And I'm Tori.
And you are listening too. It's nothing.
(00:42):
It's everything. OK, before we dive in, this is
an old episode. We were young, we were innocent
and we thought we were knew whatwe were doing.
Yeah, spoiler alert didn't. But hey, we already talked about
some of the stuff by this point,so it's not like we we're
totally clueless. And we love this episode too
much not to release it. So sit back, relax and enjoy the
(01:04):
vintage chaos from the archives.Ow ow.
Sick tits, sick tits sick daddies.
Taddy Mcaddies. Hello.
Mic check stuff test 1-2 DDDDDD BD bong.
BD. Bong.
(01:25):
Hello. Wait, did you see how I was
going to meet? Takes half an hour.
Sweet. So we got.
We got to go. We got to talk about.
We got to talk. I don't know, fuck it up.
We can't, we can't waste time, we can't sit on our laurels over
here. Laurel, I barely know.
Wait, that didn't work. Laurel, Laurel.
I barely know where I'm doing that now.
(01:49):
Laurel, I don't know. It's all bad.
Laurel I barely. There's no, No, there's no.
Good. There's no good.
There's no good. Our next door neighbors are
moving out and there, it's like an older couple, they were
grandparents. I think he was like in his 90s.
(02:10):
And so Nick has been like over there helping them with yard
work and just like helping them with outdoor maintenance
because, you know. Yeah.
And because the the grandfather had had a stroke at some point
and, like, was not mobile. So Nick has been is like
becoming increasingly Italian about it, like very protective
of them. So then the grandmother had a
fall and she has glaucoma she can't see very well.
(02:31):
So the kids moved both of the parents into nursing home.
And Nick has like, made it his responsibility to understand
what's going on over there. So like as like they moved the
grandparents out. The house is empty.
They're like doing work on the outside.
They tore it on the porch a couple days ago.
Somebody just came and removed their old car this morning.
And he's like, he's just been like sitting at the window
(02:51):
fuming and he's like, what's going on?
Where are they? Who's even taking care of them?
Who's approving these decisions?He's just like fully inserted
himself into their life and I'm.Pretty sure that's.
Why he was out in the backyard. He was just so he can be a
watching nosy neighbor. Yeah, just like.
Watching to see what's going on over.
There, but they're gone. They're gone.
So yeah. He's Italian.
(03:12):
What do you? I'm Italian, I don't give a
shit. Yeah, but you know how Italian
men are so territorial? Look at the hummingbirds,
there's two of them and they hadthem seated on that.
Plane with each other. Oh my friend.
I love how they're like playing tag.
I'm. Trying to see which one's me.
(03:33):
That's me. I'm the bottom.
You are. I'm the bottom today.
I'm going to be a power bottom. You're a power top, which feels
accurate because I feel like this topic is definitely in your
upper echelon. That I'm a power top in.
Your power bottom. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's all about the power. Well, yeah, I mean, we're both
(03:54):
powerful, but I'm like, I can. I'm the foundations.
That's right. You sturdy.
Yeah, he's sturdy. Too thick.
OK, wait, hold on. What's our podcast name?
Title. Oh yeah.
This is hi everyone. Hello.
Hi, welcome to Friday. This is, I almost said Tuesday
(04:19):
and I was like, that can't be right.
Welcome to Friday and the podcast called It's Everything.
Wait, did we switch it? No, no, We end on positive.
We end on positive. Fuck.
OK, hold on. Here we go.
Tori, what's our podcast called?It's nothing.
(04:40):
It's everything. And why is that?
Because it's nothing. Because ain't that the truth
about literally everything? My name is Tori Sparrow.
I'm Kimberly Mcferrin. Welcome to Friday, Brain.
So mushy, so soft and mushy. My brain feels so smooth today.
That's one of Rosin's favorite insults.
(05:01):
Oh, you have a smooth brain. It's like so specific, so
specific, so niche, but I love it.
But I'd also be like, I'm OK with that, you know, I.
Don't need ridges I. Don't need ridges and bumps, I'm
good with a smooth brain. Today, sometimes I wanna.
(05:21):
She glides. She got a slick brain.
She's. Slick I I have the thing.
Have smooth brains days some days.
Well, how about this? How about we catch up?
How was your life? Oh, you know, insane.
Why insane? Cause kids and schools and work
(05:43):
and marriage and house like we it's supposed to.
You're supposed to. Also nobody tells you this when
you buy a house. It's another child.
It's a whole. Ass other.
Child, especially if you like adopted an older one.
Yeah, we got a, we got a 1961 special.
Yeah, because my brother bought an older home and we bought
(06:06):
fresh. Yeah, she was.
Yeah, you. Guys still had a, a, a warranty
on it, right? Yeah, brilliant.
Like, we got to watch the neighborhood grow around us.
We were one of the beginning houses.
And so yeah, just he. And I think it depends on who
you are as a person, right? I am not a fixed wrapper kind of
gal. Like, give it to me.
(06:27):
Not broken, no molds or rats, things like that.
You know, dilapidated roof. I'm not here for that.
I'm already dilapidated enough. I don't need to take on the
roof. So I was all about.
But then, yeah, hearing my friends who buy homes that are
just a little bit older, it's like, oh, she's crushed crusty.
(06:52):
Yeah, she crusty. It's that.
Lie. It's that lie that people tell
you about fixer uppers, right? Like you can make it whatever
you want it to be. It's like it becomes your
vision, which is true, true. Eventually I fully bought in
hook line and singer. I was like, I'm going to make it
mine. I'm going to use my creative,
which is true, and I love doing it and I love, I love
(07:13):
envisioning and ideating and I love like seeing my visions come
to life. All that's really great.
But like, to what end, You know what I'm saying?
Like, am I going to be creating visions and making them come to
life forever? Because that sounds exhausting.
And also like, luckily our roof,knock on wood, our roof is
great. Yeah, right.
(07:33):
We don't have rats. We don't have mold.
That was a big one for me. I was like, if there is, if
there is a dark corner in a house, when we were looking at
houses, I was like, if there's adark corner that the sun doesn't
touch, I don't want it because Seattle gets moldy.
Moldy. Very.
She damp. And yeah, if you, like, live
anywhere outside the city in a forest area, yeah, Yeah, well,
(07:54):
even like Mold's coming for you.We're at the top of the hill,
right, which is nice because we have far less like tree overhang
to keep us in, like the moisture.
And also because we had these amazingly pain in my ass, giant
mid century windows where we have the sun coming in all the
time, which is so lovely. We don't have, I think, the same
(08:15):
level of moisture, but like someof the houses that we would look
at that were at the bottom of the hill or like down in the
valley. Oh oh.
Oh, mold Central. Mold, central damp.
No thanks. No thanks.
Wet. But, you know, it's like even
considering all of those things,she she's structurally sound,
but you know, that bathroom hasn't been touched since 1961.
(08:39):
Come on, retro, come. On.
Like. You know, sooner or later.
I mean yeah, ours was built in 20 God 20/16/2017 and I'm even
looking at the bathroom being like we're old now, like we're
we've moved into that. Yeah, I live in my parents
bathroom. That's what it feels like
(09:02):
because it's been the the same way for so long.
Maybe or just like because of we're just interior design has
already gone now we're old, eventhough when we bought it we were
like the fresh hot thing and nowwe're like Tuesday is.
Leftovers. Yeah.
Now we're like old ladies with tchotchkes.
That's. What we shouldn't have named our
(09:24):
podcast Tchotchkes. Life so much.
Life tchotchkes, yeah. That'd be a hard one to How do
you spell it? People would never be able to
find it. TCH something botchke botchke
TCH botchke. Soy.
Good. Amazing.
How's your life? Life is great, we're on like
(09:45):
week almost 6 of teacher training and people are learning
and all the things are happening.
I love that. How are you week 6 already?
Time happened time, but I don't know 'cause that's like almost
halfway through. Time's a liar.
Wait, when was was that last? Weekend that you did your yes,
(10:08):
yes, yeah, that was a week ago, almost of the day.
Yeah, time is not real. Time is a construct but but it's
going really good. We get to learn about clashes
and mudras and chakras this weekend in a more Yenny vibe so
and I don't have to do it, whichis excellent.
(10:32):
Isn't that nice when you can sitback and let someone else take
the rein? Yeah, 'cause like planning
lectures is way harder than I thought it would be.
Or not harder, but like more time consuming than I thought.
Because even if you have a lecture and you're like, cool,
cool, cool, it's five hours, which already why is any lecture
5 hours? But but it's like, OK, that's,
(10:54):
you know, a few hours of planning and researching and
making sure I know what the French I'm talking about.
He has so much brain power and then you have to do it.
You basically do it twice. Right.
You plan it, you program it, youdo the research for it.
You have your document, which islike your guardrails, But then
you go in and have to do it live, which is doing all that
all over again, but also retaining enough in your head
(11:15):
that you can, like, speak to it without having your eyes on a
paper. Yeah.
And just kind of yes, Anding allthe things that are going to
come up that you did not plan for, like having people be like,
why are you asking that? Yeah, and I was.
Like, uh oh, I don't know. For fun.
'Cause I thought it was a good question.
I don't know anyway. Yeah, the live I also did it.
(11:40):
It's been so long since I have taught pelvic floor to teachers
rather than just to like a patient or a client.
I didn't get through probably a third of my programming in the
five hours that I had, and we still didn't even finish the
last thing. Right.
Like when you are teaching to people who are also teachers and
who are there for the sake of learning so that they can then
(12:01):
turn around and teach. Yeah.
It's like a whole different, whole different.
Ball game. Whole different ball game.
You cannot cruise. There is no cruising through it.
No, no, yeah, no. So that's been a fun, but it's
been fun. And I like learning, so, you
know, that's been nice, but it is a lot.
(12:22):
My brain has been on probably just OverDrive, which in its own
way has been really cool to see.Like the amount that I don't
challenge my brain. Yeah, like in my day-to-day
which actually leading in segue into our thing today.
Yeah. What happens when you push
yourself? What happens when you?
(12:45):
Believe in yourself. Believe in yourself.
Yeah. And you're like, I can do hard
things. This is different though.
Actually, now that I'm thinking about it's a good person versus.
It's like different but same, I think because like the whole
reason that we. Wait, before you go into that,
Yeah. Should I read it?
(13:07):
Yeah, yes. So that they know what we're
talking about. OK, so from Louis House.
Yeah, that's how we say a Louis house.
I came across a quote that said my life got better when I
realized I didn't have to be nice.
Nice got me used, stressed out and disrespected.
I'm not nice. I'm a good person.
There's a difference. You don't have to be nice to be
(13:29):
a good person. Being good means being honest,
setting boundaries, and taking care of yourself without
compromising your values. Being nice may give you
temporary approval, but it rarely earns you respect or
helps you build genuine connections.
Honor your truth. You won't regret it, Lewis,
snaps House. Snaps, snaps, snaps.
(13:50):
But that also I think like that ties into so many things, right?
Because like that is such a key element of self doubt is being
nice in order to keep the peace at all times.
Yeah, people pleasing. People pleasing which?
We've talked about, no one's heard it yet, but they we have
(14:12):
talked about. We've talked about it a lot,
some of it got deleted. Some of it wasn't even recorded,
some of. It was never recorded.
Some of it may never even air. It might just sit there and
click dust. Who knows?
It's now more tchotchkes. It's Tchotchkes.
Yeah, the self doubt, the self doubt that comes with always
being the nice person so that you never, never ruffle
(14:34):
feathers, right. Because you doubt that you have
the ability. The what's the word I'm looking
for? Not integrity, but like the the
Oh my God, I can't think of the word.
But like you doubt that you havethe safety to be able to be
(14:58):
anything other than nice, right?Or to be able to ruffle feathers
and know that it's OK. And so then that just like
perpetuates a cycle of self doubt and or like
underutilization of self. Like you don't challenge
yourself because challenge leadsto friction and friction and
being. Feels bad, right?
And scary. Yeah, and does not necessarily
(15:21):
correlate with being nice or keeping the peace.
Yeah, well, in setting boundaries, like that's the one
of the things that stood out to me in that quote or in that post
is like a good person is settingboundaries feels OK to set
boundaries. You can still set boundaries and
be kind. Yes, that just because I'm like,
(15:42):
no, I don't have the space for that in my life, doesn't mean I
hate you. And you're not a, you know, a
value to me. You're still a value to me.
But I also value my time. Yeah.
And my bandwidth. 100. Percent.
I think that we're we're taught that yeah, if we say no, we're a
bad person. And it's like, no, you can still
(16:02):
be a good dude. Two things can exist at one
time, Yes, which is such a mottoin my last few years.
It's like that can all be true. All of it can be true.
I used to see in black and whitewhere it's like, that can't be
true if that's true, and it's like no, yes, it can.
It all can be true. That is like the stupidest and
most relevant rule of life. Two things can be true.
(16:23):
Almost everything is a contradiction.
We are walking contradictions all day every day, but we like
to label things and put things in boxes because it makes us
feel more comfortable. And if we label it one way, then
we know how to deal with it. And so then we have control.
And so then we have predictability.
And so then we can just like create, manipulate an
environment where it feels like we know how to manage
(16:47):
everything. But also something that I have
had to like, really reinforce with my kids and myself.
To be fair, being nice and beinga kind person are not the same
thing. Yeah, you can be like, what does
nice even mean? Yeah, you could.
Be a really fucking terrible person and have the ability to
be nice. Every sociopath I've ever let
(17:10):
light something in my life on fire has been really nice.
Yeah. But they're not kind or good
people, but they have the ability to be really nice.
You can. Fake nice you can.
Fake nice all day long. Everybody does.
It's true, you know, we all do it.
But I think there's the intention behind it is what
(17:31):
makes you a good person. Yeah, right.
You can be nice and say something that, well, no, you
can be. Now I'm getting all the words
mixed up in my head. Everyone can fake being nice,
but you can't. You fake being a good person
where that's like, if nobody's looking, what's the decision you
make? Right.
(17:51):
And also like you can say reallyshitty things in a nice way,
that doesn't make it good or kind, right?
The root is not in kindness. The root is not in goodness.
Nice is just like a presentationfor people.
Yeah, I wonder what? And good people present as nice,
(18:14):
right? And some kind people present as
nice, but like, nice on its own.I feel like we, especially as
women, so, so many women are taught just like, be nice.
Yeah, be nice. How many times were you told?
That as a kid, don't. Be nice still told that, play
nice. As an adult.
Yeah, be nice. Be nice to boys.
Oh, just because they, they're, they're not bullying you because
(18:34):
they're being mean. They're just bullying with you
because you, or they're just bullying you because they like
you and they want to flirt with you and they don't know how to
do it. Just be nice to them.
That sounds like a them problem.Learn.
Yeah, how about they be nice? How?
About they be nice. And I just keep going about my
business, not influencing them at all.
Yeah, and they can figure their shit out.
(18:56):
We actually had a great conversation about this the
other day in teacher training about friendships and how people
will. And maybe it's how people set
boundaries, right? And they're just like, well, why
aren't you doing this for me? And, like, adult friendships,
like learning how to, you want to be nice.
You want to be, you want to havefriendships, you want to grow
(19:19):
those friendships. But the second somebody's like
setting boundaries, it feels like conflict.
Yeah. And like embracing that conflict
and then getting to set your ownboundaries be like, if you're
going to change. Yeah, which is fine.
We're all allowed to change. But if you're going to change in
a way that no longer resonates with my life, then is it time to
(19:43):
go our separate ways? Or can we still be friends?
And like how does that work? Yeah, you can reconfigure the
relationship at any time I thinktoo.
I mean like this is also like bleeds into so many different
parts of life. Any any friendship.
Any relationship, any marriage is really just a social
(20:06):
contract, right? And like, like any other
contract, you get together and renegotiate the terms when the
circumstances around you change and the terms need
renegotiating. But we as humans like things to
be set right? So like you and I are friends.
We have been friends for. 4 billion years.
(20:26):
Oh my God. Thirteen years. 13 Jesus maybe?
Somewhere around there. Somewhere around 1314.
But like the environments aroundus have changed over the past 14
years, and so our friendship haschanged over the past 14 years.
We also have changed fundamentally as people, which
also has an impact on our friendship.
So the terms of the social contract naturally change and
(20:50):
evolve over time. But I think that part of why it
has been smoother for us than maybe for other friendships is
because we both are people who acknowledge that evolution is,
yes, important, very important. And so, like, we have the
ability, and I would say probably most of the time, it's
an unspoken ability to be like, OK, you're evolving that way.
(21:11):
I'm going to evolve this way. And, like, we figure it out.
Yeah, some people can't. Some people can't do that.
I have some friendships that, yeah, have been really
tumultuous when people change and there's a lot of blame
that's thrown around, Yeah, of like, that's your fault and
(21:31):
that's my fault and all that. And I'm like, it doesn't have to
be. There shouldn't be any blame.
Like one open communication. Let's just talk about it.
Let's just talk about our feelings and know that it's OK
to ebb and flow. Yeah, and to and, and just
because we're friends doesn't mean that every conversation we
have has to either be nice or a friendship ending.
(21:53):
Like there is a massive in between where we can have
difficult but kind conversationsthat are rooted in a true desire
to get to a place of positivity,homeostasis, growth in the
relationship. Even if it's difficult,
uncomfortable, tense, whatever, if it's still rooted in kindness
(22:13):
and mutual appreciation for one another, it might not sound like
a nice conversation, but it willget to get you to a place that
is more sustainable for both people.
And I think boundaries are the same, right?
Like holding a boundary that allows you to live your life in
a way that's sustainable is not necessarily like the opposite of
(22:36):
kindness or, or the opposite of nice niceness, niceness, right?
Like, it's not, I mean, dot right now in her, in her four
years on this planet, the thing that I hear out of her mouth
most often right now is that's not nice.
Oh sure, swears like that. Which for a four year old,
right, makes sense. That's what they're learning.
But like, I don't have to worry about if I have a friend who
(22:59):
holds a boundary, there's no world where I would ever go up
to that friend and be like, that's not nice, but you will up
that boundary. That's not yourself.
You did that for yourself. Yeah.
To make your life more sustainable and comfortable for
you, which is what you should bedoing.
You should never put my comfort over yours.
That would be insane. That would also be a very
unhealthy friendship. But like, there is just so much
(23:20):
confusion. I feel like the lines are so
blurred when we talk about beingnice and if we're friends we
should be nice and I don't necessarily agree with that.
No, I no, I think one of my favorite things just gets me
riled up. Just turned on is like a people
(23:40):
pleaser who's setting boundaries.
Like anytime I've seen it. I am not a people pleaser.
I haven't been. Sometimes I wish I was.
I feel like I'd probably do better in theater.
It was. More of a girl.
But I think I have a happier life because I I wasn't yeah,
right. I have healthier priorities than
(24:04):
if I was early 20s Tori and doing the yes game to every Tom,
Dick and Harry in the world. If I was being nice, if I was
just nice and but man, now when I'm like a grown up, a grown up
and when I'm a, that feels so strange to say that I'm a grown
(24:26):
up. We're middle-aged.
Babe, Yeah. To see some of my friends who
are people pleasers or some family who are people pleasers
and they start to set boundaries, learning in their
middle age how to do that because it's never too late.
Yeah. And I'm just like, oh, I'm like
the biggest cheerleader. I'm like, yeah, you don't want
(24:46):
to have dinner with me. Love that for you.
You want to just sit at home andread a fucking book that would
like feed your soul more. Yeah.
Than putting out energy to me. Yes, please.
Yeah, and like there does not have to be shame attached.
I don't think that's yeah, that's, that's.
I understand being like, I'm nota nice person because I've
changed the plans, yeah, But I'mlike, at the end of the day, if
(25:10):
that's going to make you a better person, I'm here to
support that as your friend. Because I'm a kind person.
Yeah. I want the best for my people.
And to be able to support your friends when they're advocating
for their self and what they. Come on, advocation.
Is advocation a real word? Yes, it is.
Now print it. Send it.
(25:31):
Print it. Put it on the wall.
Make a charge key. Advocating for yourself?
Turn on. I mean, I think about 20s
Kimberly now granted, life was life.
Life for her was real hard and Iwrap her in my arms every time I
think about her. But I my bandwidth was so low,
(25:53):
my stress was so chronic and so high and so like life altering
all the time. I was such a flake.
I was a total flake. If I felt like I couldn't get
out of bed, rather than just being like, I'm fucking drained,
I can't hang out. I would always like come up with
an excuse because I thought thatwas the right thing, right?
Like, Oh, I can't because Roslynwhatever, or oh, I can't and the
(26:15):
kids right? I mean, listen, easy, right?
But like, I always felt like I was being a bad person if I made
a boundary for myself. And like, I look back at my life
and, and how that bled into so many scenarios where like I
fully welcomed in more stress and more trauma because I didn't
(26:38):
have the ability to just say, you know what?
This isn't right for me right now in this moment, so I'm not
going to do it. Poor girl.
Poor girl. Poor girl.
But I mean, look at you now. Because without all that
shenanigans, you wouldn't be thestrong person you are.
Yeah, the boundary holding advocating.
(26:58):
Hold that line. Yeah, you're like, like on
Monday when we were supposed to get together and podcast and we
were both like, I just can't. Yeah, can't do.
It I'm I'm very tired. It's my one day off.
So like I need, I need it. Yeah.
And I you know what's so funny about just that moment?
I was like, nervous to send thattext message to you.
(27:20):
Now I know, like if I could sendthat text message to anyone in
the world, it would be you. And you'd be like, it's fine
girl, let's put on our soft socks and lay down.
Let's get into Shavasana. But like the fact that you were
like, I love that for both of usmade me like so happy because I
don't want to be. I want to show up for my people
(27:42):
and for the things that I've agreed to do, but also take care
of myself and all the selves that come with me.
Yeah. Well, that's the balance I
think, right, Is like you're notgoing to do that every time.
If you did do that every time, we probably at a certain point
would have a different conversation.
But you're not going to do that every time.
You're going to do it when you recognize that you need it.
(28:04):
And to me, that's just as valuable, if not more valuable
than being the person that holdsevery commitment for the sake of
holding every commitment. I think there is a lot of
strength and value in being thatkind of person.
I think there is a flip side to that where if you are the person
that holds every commitment you've ever made ever in your
life for the sake of being a reliable and trustworthy and
(28:27):
dependable person, I'm sure they're.
Tori in her early 30s. The flip side of that is real
hard because then you get de prioritized because you are
trying so hard to prioritize a perception of you that allows
more value to other people than to yourself.
Man, that resonates deeply from my early 30s.
(28:49):
Well, I mean probably mid 20s to, but before like, I guess
I've always taken on more than Ican chew.
Sure, you know, I've always had a very full mouth, you know,
like chokeable at sometimes and and I've had to probably kids
really challenge that because then my priorities shifted, but
(29:14):
my ability to say no did not. And so and because I wanted to
be a nice person, a hard I wanted to be known as a nice,
hard working human being. I was draining my body of
absolutely everything. And I remember having a
conversation with the husband and saying and he was like Tori,
(29:34):
I was like somebody had asked meto, I think it was sub probably
a class or two on top of I had rehearsal or a show and and I
was like, should I do that? Like I can.
And he's like, listen, energetically I know you can.
Mentally I know you can. That's what he said.
Mentally I know you can energetically.
(29:57):
Should you? Because which I was just like,
way to hold my feet to the fire,Patrick.
Come on, Patty. Come on, Patty, which I need
that person right, because yes, I can always show up, but do I
have to? Just because we can doesn't mean
we should, right. And so I but I was like, I'm but
(30:17):
I can like just so, so stubborn and but that him like really
like holding the mirror up and saying like you don't, but
should you? Yeah, for cause like think about
yourself doing the show and you've taught all day.
Like are you respecting that Tori, that version of Tori?
(30:39):
No, no, like I'll finish the classes and be like, I'm
crushing it. But then, you know, at night
time you're like, I literally want to die.
I'm so tired. Yeah, don't have to.
It's OK to say no. Don't have to, and it's OK to
feel that way sometimes. Yeah.
But if you are, If you are. There was no sometimes though,
right? That's The thing is like.
If you are living your life in away that that is just your
(31:00):
day-to-day, which, yeah, I feel that.
Oh, I feel that. So deeply, yeah, because we are
taught and I think it's a generational thing actually, we
yet again, we talked about this in teacher training.
It was one of our older participants, one of my older
trainees, she's, I'm not sure she's got to be in her 60s, but
same generation as my mother. And my mother was like, we got
(31:24):
to pack it in like we've got to do, we've got to do.
I've got to prove that I can, that I am sustainable.
I am my own woman. I can have a job, two kids.
I can have my own bank account. I can have my own credit card.
Yeah, right. Like you can see the
generational stuff that's like trickling down.
And she and I had a conversation.
(31:46):
I don't know, it had to be earlypostpartum where it was like,
I'm so sorry that I trained you.That's that was the example you
saw was like, and she never saidno to something, right.
She was like always, yes, I can,yes, I can.
Yes, I can. I mean, there's some people
pleasing in there with my mom, but which I love.
(32:06):
But also it's really hard because I'm like, you don't have
to though. Yeah, she's like, well, what if
they think this? I'm like, who cares?
That sounds like a them. Problem.
Who cares what they think? Yeah, what other people think of
you is none of your business. It's none of my business.
And but there was this woman in teacher training who said that
she was like, I had learned verylate in life that I didn't
(32:29):
always have to be busy because then I was always because I was
trying to like please people andbe nice.
It's. And so it's been I'm glad that
maybe this generation, we're starting to learn a little bit
more the next generation. I mean, we still have the right,
no? We also have like the Gold Star
trauma. We have to unlearn the like more
(32:50):
gold stars, more AP classes, more talented and gifted, more
extracurriculars. How many extracurriculars can
you have on your college resume?Oh, you've only volunteered 7
times in your life. You've got to do more if you
want to get to college, right? Like we were raised.
Yeah, that more is more. Yeah, ending at 5:00 in the
morning. Yep.
(33:10):
High school all day shows at night time.
And I was and then 1415. Oh my God.
Every weekend you have a commitment.
There's something different. And if you have shows, yeah.
Or. And if you have shows, well,
they're not until the night. So what else you can do?
During the night, that's what I I would go, yes, I would do
drill, team, school, softball. Shows, yeah.
Who? Yeah, who?
(33:31):
And that's just the cycle that continued up until my 30s, until
I had kids. And then I had this priority
shift and that conversation of like, no, the priority shift of
no, yeah. Just like, no, I can't.
I can't. Also, there's nothing wrong with
(33:53):
not with nothing to do. There's nothing wrong with
nothing to do. There's nothing wrong with
downtime or quiet time to yourself.
And I feel like that's somethingI fully took advantage of before
I had kids. I was like, oh, I got a pencil
it, squeeze it in. How what else can I put on my
calendar? How else can I be social?
How else? And also like my cup is filled a
lot of the time by being around people.
(34:14):
And so like to me, I just went fully in that direction where I
was like, fill the cup, fill thecup, fill the cup to the point
that it wasn't filling my cup, but I was like, it was draining
my cup. But I was like look at how
amazing I was. I did brunch on the Upper West
Side and then I did happy hour in the East Village and then I
(34:34):
did dinner in Brooklyn. I'm so fucking amazing and I
live in Jersey City. Look at all the cool things that
I did come on subway and day I covered the whole ass city.
But like why? Why do I have 3 social
commitments on my one day off? Why?
Now, like almost 40 year olds, can you like, look back and be
like, bitch, what? I want to sit down.
(34:57):
Yeah. I want to go back to her.
I'm going to ride the subway from from end to end.
I'm going to start in Queens andI'm going to end up in Brooklyn
and I'm not getting off the fucking train.
I'm going to sit there, do nothing.
Yeah, retraining rewiring the brain to enjoy stillness is
really hard. I mean, that's what I'll say in
(35:18):
like Shavasana, where it's like you're literally training,
rewiring your brain to enjoy stillness.
Yeah, which we don't do, which. We don't know how to do, like,
especially our generation. It's like we don't know how to
stop. It's like, OK, when I am
sitting, but I should, like, probably be reading.
Yeah. Or I should probably be learning
(35:39):
how to knit. You know, like I should be
wiggling. You know the special skills on
my resume like I. Have to do some underwater
basket weaving you. Know my burn calls.
I'm like, what? Why?
Why can't I just sit? And then you add in like a
phone, right? A phone where you disassociate.
(36:00):
Oh I just heard this incredible study that was done with your
phones where you can put on likea grayscale.
I just saw that, yes. And the.
Rollins yes, we got to. I got to.
Do it. I want to figure out how she
like did a very fast how to and I was like, I can't, yeah, I
don't have the bandwidth for that.
But to see if that really does make a sense like a a
(36:22):
difference. I'm sure.
Can you imagine scrolling Instagram and everything's just
in black and white? Boring.
Come on. I think it's so cool.
I think just. It's literally the concept of
what was that movie Pleasantville.
Oh yeah, it's a good movie. It's reverse Pleasantville.
Contain it, reel it back. Reel it back fifty.
(36:43):
I think she I was listening to aone of her podcasts and she said
59 hours a week. That's more than our full time
jobs. No.
That we spent on our phones. No.
And it's too much, I guess. Like, think about 59 hours.
What could you do with 59 hours?Yeah, whether you're kind or
(37:05):
nice. Think of think of what you could
do with 59 hours. And it's so easy to.
It just becomes this like constant cycle that you get
sucked into where like I look atmy screen, I get the screen time
notification. Every week you average this X
amount of hours of screen time per day.
Last week, last week I think I averaged like 4 hours of screen
(37:27):
time a day. Now granted some of that is like
me working when I'm away from mycomputer.
Some of that is me doing household related work like
grocery lists. And.
But then, but also, let me tell you, deleting or cancelling our
prime membership, which we just did already, has changed the
amount of time that I spent on my phone.
(37:47):
Really. Because it's so.
Fucking easy, especially here when you can get things
delivered to you within like a day of two hours.
It's so easy to be like, oh I just need this really quickly,
let me just grab it. And then suddenly I'm doing that
multiple times a day for things I don't actually need.
Like do the girls need bluey andbingo headbands?
Sure it's cute, but like should they need it?
(38:09):
No. Did I buy it for no reason
because it was at the tip of my fingers and it could get here in
two hours? Like that shit's so unnecessary.
And then also it just completelychanges our spending habits.
Oh yeah, Because everything is so the trickle.
Down effect, yeah. Hot mess, hot mess, hot mess.
And what could I do even with that 4 hours a day and.
(38:30):
And I. Think or whatever it is after.
Work and all that. But I mean like you, I mean even
that. Then there's a fine balance,
right? Do you feel it or do you?
Meditate. Meditate or you know, garden tis
the season. You know some because some of
that freedom will cause people anxiety, right?
(38:51):
I also, I can't remember the Doctor Who created the thesis,
but saying that creativity kind of offsets anxiety, right?
When you start to have anxiety, if you can give yourself a goal,
if you can give yourself a task,it's like a dog in a ball,
right? Like, you throw the ball and the
(39:12):
dog's like, I don't care what else happens.
I have to get the ball. And our brains are similar to
that, where it's like, if you can have some kind of creative
outlet, whatever that might be, right?
Maybe that's your underwater basket weep.
Maybe that's learning Internet, whatever it is.
But like, when you have that, ifyou have the time and that time
(39:33):
gives you anxiety, it's like, well, then fill it with
something that, like, fills yoursoul.
Yeah. Or just gives you the
opportunity. Like for me, gardening is 100%
meditative. It is.
I'm like working towards something I'm.
Taking. Care of something.
I'm also like creating somethingthat my family can benefit from.
(39:54):
And then on top of all that, it's like silent time.
I'm not speaking. I'm not looking at a screen.
I'm not engaging with a child. Usually outside.
Yeah, usually outside. The sun is usually shining.
I don't garden in the rain. No, don't do that.
We're not those people. So I'm, there's fresh air,
there's blue skies, there's vitamin D Yeah.
And I am completely focused without a fucking screen in my
(40:18):
face, uninterrupted, just like spending time with myself in my
head and but like doing something with my hands so that
I'm just like processing information as I'm working on
something. And I like when when I winterize
my garden and basically like go indoors for the winter, I get
(40:38):
anxiety because I'm like, well, what now?
What? Now what am I going to do?
Scroll on my phone I guess. Like it's indoor plants.
I mean. Oh, they're everywhere.
They're everywhere. I have ones from IKEA but you
know that's how I inside garden.Listen, but you have them.
I guess they're there, they're there, they're there doing not a
(41:00):
lot for me, but but I, I did just buy a bird feeder.
I was like, Oh my God, I am the old woman from Mary Poppins.
But like I there was something that really made me happy about
it. I had to, like, go get food.
I went to a bird store. Yeah, Bird store.
You went to the Audubon. Society And like I was like, I
(41:22):
don't know, like she it was one of because I walked and she's
like, well, what kind of feeder do you have?
I was like, I don't know, one for birds.
It's one for birds. And it goes outside and she's
like, OK, is it, is it tall? Is it circular?
Like what's the deal? And I was like, it's circular.
It has a hood like a roof and she's like great.
Do you know what kind of birds? I was like, no, babe, they're.
(41:43):
Small ones with wings. Yeah, it's like they're small.
It's like, OK, it's like obviously look at me like I'm.
I was just there because The UPSStore was right next to her and
I had to go change my passport so.
You didn't walk in with your zipoff shorts, your zip off REI
shorts and your Yeah. Like 14 year old Tori.
(42:05):
Heck yeah. Cargo zip off.
Shorts. Trash.
Did I think I was an outdoorsman?
Like why did I have those, mom? Yeah.
Oh, I had the three tier ones too, where you could make it
like a culotte, like you could zip it off at the knee or you
could zip it off to like a higher short.
Oh no, I didn't. Because I was like, not.
Show my thigh. That's embarrassing.
Couldn't. Possibly I have big thighs so I
(42:27):
never. Wore shorts.
You have to be demure. Yep.
And skinny? Yep.
Gross. Games.
I want games. That's a whole different
podcast. It sure is episode.
Those the body shame. The body shame the the like 40
inch legs. If your legs aren't 40 inches,
(42:48):
are you even a person? Should you even go out in
public? I feel like that was our, you
know, like every runway model that's like 6 feet tall.
And yeah, that's a whole other. That's a whole other episode.
That's a whole other episode. Sure, we'll get into it at some
.0 a. 100% because so much is paced around that.
Yeah, they're so. It's so deep seated.
(43:08):
But it's, it's the same message,right?
Like our value exists in what welook like, how we present
ourselves to other people. Am I being nice to you?
And if I'm being nice to you, then do I have enough value to
be accepted in society as a person who, who is allowed to be
acknowledged and interacted with?
(43:31):
And then the layer for women too, the unnecessary apologizing
in order to be perceived as nicebe apologizing for everything.
I remember when I first moved toNew York, where everyone runs
into everyone because there's just not room, right?
Like if on the West Coast, if you're walking down the sidewalk
and you bump into somebody, you're like, what the fuck are
(43:52):
you doing in my bubble? Like I had a bubble and you had
a bubble and our bubbles did notneed to collide.
Like, why would you do that? We also have giant sidewalks and
nobody walks down the street. But in New York, small
sidewalks, lots of people, lots of traffic, you run into people
all day long. I so vividly remember it the
(44:13):
first time I ran into a woman. And rather than apologizing, she
said, excuse me? And I was like, what a genius
because she didn't do anything wrong.
But that's what I would do. I would run into someone and be
like, Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. And also like in New York,
nobody takes this time to say, Oh, yes, I'm so sorry.
It's too many words. You're already half a block
(44:35):
away. Goodbye.
Excuse me is the most you can get out.
Excuse me while you're like in relative distance to the other
person. But also you don't need to
apologize for doing something like accidentally running into a
person in a in that kind of scenario, right?
But it, I just remember it was like transformational for me
that you could make a mistake and then say, oh, excuse me,
(44:57):
Yeah. And then move on with your day.
I was like, oh, I just remember it.
It was like, it just completely changed the way that I perceived
everything. Yeah.
And I was like, I have to do that.
And then putting it into practice was like a.
Whole thing is like, that might seem really silly and silly to
some people being like, Oh my God, really.
Like, yeah, that's who cares if you say sorry And it's like, but
(45:20):
that's the practice. Yeah, right.
That's the practical practice that we're doing every day to
retrain our brains especially, yes, as women, we talk about
that in class where it's like, Idon't want you to continuously.
If you make a mistake, you don'thave to apologize for it.
Guess what? It's going to keep happening.
You break someone's leg, sure, apologize for that.
(45:43):
Yeah, but if you said, you know,right leg high instead of left
leg high, and they're like, Oh my God, I'm so sorry.
Yeah, no. No.
And the trickle down fact for students hearing constant
apology also is not great, right?
And so but like, stand in your power.
And also, how different is it tohear lift your right leg?
(46:05):
Oh, my gosh. No, no, I'm so sorry.
Lift your left leg versus lift your right leg.
Oh, excuse me? Lift your left leg.
Yeah, like you're you. You almost take away from the
practice by taking the time and the energy and the diversion of
attention to apologize for something.
And if we really want to go crazy with the yogic it it's
stealing. It it's self-serving.
(46:27):
It's. Self-serving and selfish.
And so let's not. Let's just.
Not let's not. You know what?
If I break your leg, I'll apologize.
Yeah. Thank you.
You're welcome. But I think that there that I
mean, that is the I don't know where it starts.
So that then, you know, we're women and that's where it
(46:50):
starts. And we're made to be like, I
have to be nice and therefore I have to apologize for existing.
Yeah. And how and those little tools
and tips and tricks from saying I'm sorry to excuse me.
I think that's the way to do it.I mean, watch how it changes
your life. Yeah, I dare you.
I dare you. I dare you learn underwater
(47:13):
basket weave and tag us please and then say.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Or rather rather. I'm always amazed.
I do you have this experience I love rather as well.
Do you have this experience in class where someone will raise a
hand or go to say something and before they actually say what
they want to say they start by saying I'm sorry I OOP.
(47:37):
She triggered it. Makes.
Me angry. Yeah.
Women who every time they raise their hand, I'm sorry.
Like, why are you sorry? You haven't even said anything.
Yeah, You haven't offended anybody.
You're sorry for raising your hand.
Sorry for. Existing, you know, and it is a.
It's a it's a people pleasing, smaller than anything vibe in a
(48:01):
person. And because I'm I'm, I want, I
love like the underdogs of the world.
I am your biggest champion, but you got to do the work, you got
to do the heavy lifting, and I will be there to support you of
like taking on the tools. Yeah, stand in your power stand.
In your power stand, take. Up the fucking space, please and
thank you. Yeah, because this is your life.
(48:23):
I I'm not, if I'm going to take a yogurt, yogurt, yogurt
teaching a yoga teacher training, I'm not taking it for
someone else. I'm taking it for myself.
So I'm going to show up every day getting the most out of it
that I possibly can for myself. And if I become that perceived
pain in the ass teacher's pet student, that's like asking
questions every 5 minutes. First of all, I I'm getting what
(48:46):
I need out of it. And second of all, what everyone
else thinks of me is none of my business.
And third of all, if me being perceived as the teacher's pet
means that I get what I deserve to get out of this.
What you paid for, I'm paying for.
You're devoting my time to devoting hours every week. 200
plus baby. Yeah.
I'm going to get exactly what I need out of it.
So that I can maximize my first of all, maximize my investment
(49:10):
and then maximize my output thatcomes from that investment.
Yeah, like why would I invest and then commit half ass to it?
Because I'm Because I'm. Trying to be nice, right?
Just because you're trying to benice and not take anybody's
time. No.
So my. That's my biggest goal.
Is like a personal goal of mine in this in my job is if I can
(49:36):
empower women specifically, but also men, but like, it's, you
know, yeah, it's 100% women in this in this round of teacher
training. Like if I can empower you to
stand firm, that's, that's my biggest goal.
If I can help give you tools to believe in yourself out in the
world, I will. Be happy.
(49:58):
You might not even be able to teach yoga, but no, you will.
They will, but but I think that that's where we make the society
a better place is like if you can be a better person and
believe in yourself, stop being so.
Nice. Be kind.
But don't you have to be nice? You don't have to be nice you.
Don't have to be mean either. Right.
(50:18):
But like, yeah, you don't have to be.
Nice. You can be kind and you can ask
for exactly what you need and itdoesn't make you too much.
It's exactly it is like you standing in your power, right
and advocating for yourself. It is you holding a boundary for
yourself. It is you not being a people
pleaser and saying I need to show up to every social
commitment that I've ever made because I want to be perceived
as the person who's reliable andnice and kind or what, right?
(50:41):
Yes, kind, not nice, right? But saying this is exactly what
I need for myself, and thereforemy words and my actions are
going to replicate that. And that's not to say to be
selfish, right? Like you still exist in a world
with other people. But that's where the duality
comes in. Two things can be true.
I can make decisions that prioritize me and also
(51:02):
acknowledge that me prioritizingmyself and considering the
environment around me is also what's best for everybody else.
If I'm making decisions for other people, that's me making
decisions based on assumptions. That's me assuming that I know
what you want. And then like that's just a
whole clusterfuck of things thatwe don't need.
(51:22):
No, that's never really. Worked out for anybody?
No, the the assumption always usually like kicks it.
Yeah. And makes it not.
Kind, right? Not kind.
Absolutely not. Kind.
Absolutely not kind. This is.
This is. Something that Nick.
And I struggle with a lot where he's like, oh, I want to do this
for you because I think it's what you need.
Like you didn't ask me if this is what I need.
(51:45):
And you making that decision without asking me actually
removes my voice. It removes my ability to be an
autonomous person because you'vedecided without my input what it
is that you think I need and then made a decision, made an
action based on that rather thanif.
If your true aim in the moment is to serve my needs rather than
(52:08):
understanding what they are so that you can serve them, that's
rough. Just make decisions for
yourself. Just make you just.
You do you, Boo. You do you, and don't be afraid.
To prioritize yourself and don'tbreaking apologize, yeah.
Because you're never too much and you're.
(52:30):
Always enough. Enough.
Yeah. Every freaking day.
Yeah, yeah, you're always enough.
And never too much. Never.
Blammo. But also like, sit with that.
You have to believe it. Yeah, right.
Otherwise it's fake. Yeah, otherwise it's too.
Fat, yeah. And it's all fake.
(52:51):
It's all fake news. And don't be the fake news in
your own life. Don't, don't.
Do it, we out. Bye bye.
Look at that. Fucking nailed it.
Crush it. That's how you'd podcast.
Everybody, how you doing? Oh God, I was watching it the
(53:16):
whole time. That was Oh my God, if that's
all lost then I will cry.
Do you have to? Do her room town.
No, OK, we already did it. OK, figure it out.
Figure it out. Figure it out.
Knick knack. OK.
Knick knack knack Patty Wack. Sorry.
Sorry, sorry. Oh.
(00:21):
My God. Oh.
God, it's coming. The devil, it's coming out just
crawling out of me. Sorry about that.
OK, OK. 678. Hi, friends.
I'm Kimberly. And I'm Tori.
And you are listening too. It's nothing.
(00:42):
It's everything. OK, before we dive in, this is
an old episode. We were young, we were innocent
and we thought we were knew whatwe were doing.
Yeah, spoiler alert didn't. But hey, we already talked about
some of the stuff by this point,so it's not like we we're
totally clueless. And we love this episode too
much not to release it. So sit back, relax and enjoy the
(01:04):
vintage chaos from the archives.Ow ow.
Sick tits, sick tits sick daddies.
Taddy Mcaddies. Hello.
Mic check stuff test 1-2 DDDDDD BD bong.
BD. Bong.
(01:25):
Hello. Wait, did you see how I was
going to meet? Takes half an hour.
Sweet. So we got.
We got to go. We got to talk about.
We got to talk. I don't know, fuck it up.
We can't, we can't waste time, we can't sit on our laurels over
here. Laurel, I barely know.
Wait, that didn't work. Laurel, Laurel.
I barely know where I'm doing that now.
(01:49):
Laurel, I don't know. It's all bad.
Laurel I barely. There's no, No, there's no.
Good. There's no good.
There's no good. Our next door neighbors are
moving out and there, it's like an older couple, they were
grandparents. I think he was like in his 90s.
(02:10):
And so Nick has been like over there helping them with yard
work and just like helping them with outdoor maintenance
because, you know. Yeah.
And because the the grandfather had had a stroke at some point
and, like, was not mobile. So Nick has been is like
becoming increasingly Italian about it, like very protective
of them. So then the grandmother had a
fall and she has glaucoma she can't see very well.
(02:31):
So the kids moved both of the parents into nursing home.
And Nick has like, made it his responsibility to understand
what's going on over there. So like as like they moved the
grandparents out. The house is empty.
They're like doing work on the outside.
They tore it on the porch a couple days ago.
Somebody just came and removed their old car this morning.
And he's like, he's just been like sitting at the window
(02:51):
fuming and he's like, what's going on?
Where are they? Who's even taking care of them?
Who's approving these decisions?He's just like fully inserted
himself into their life and I'm.Pretty sure that's.
Why he was out in the backyard. He was just so he can be a
watching nosy neighbor. Yeah, just like.
Watching to see what's going on over.
There, but they're gone. They're gone.
So yeah. He's Italian.
(03:12):
What do you? I'm Italian, I don't give a
shit. Yeah, but you know how Italian
men are so territorial? Look at the hummingbirds,
there's two of them and they hadthem seated on that.
Plane with each other. Oh my friend.
I love how they're like playing tag.
I'm. Trying to see which one's me.
(03:33):
That's me. I'm the bottom.
You are. I'm the bottom today.
I'm going to be a power bottom. You're a power top, which feels
accurate because I feel like this topic is definitely in your
upper echelon. That I'm a power top in.
Your power bottom. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's all about the power. Well, yeah, I mean, we're both
(03:54):
powerful, but I'm like, I can. I'm the foundations.
That's right. You sturdy.
Yeah, he's sturdy. Too thick.
OK, wait, hold on. What's our podcast name?
Title. Oh yeah.
This is hi everyone. Hello.
Hi, welcome to Friday. This is, I almost said Tuesday
(04:19):
and I was like, that can't be right.
Welcome to Friday and the podcast called It's Everything.
Wait, did we switch it? No, no, We end on positive.
We end on positive. Fuck.
OK, hold on. Here we go.
Tori, what's our podcast called?It's nothing.
(04:40):
It's everything. And why is that?
Because it's nothing. Because ain't that the truth
about literally everything? My name is Tori Sparrow.
I'm Kimberly Mcferrin. Welcome to Friday, Brain.
So mushy, so soft and mushy. My brain feels so smooth today.
That's one of Rosin's favorite insults.
(05:01):
Oh, you have a smooth brain. It's like so specific, so
specific, so niche, but I love it.
But I'd also be like, I'm OK with that, you know, I.
Don't need ridges I. Don't need ridges and bumps, I'm
good with a smooth brain. Today, sometimes I wanna.
(05:21):
She glides. She got a slick brain.
She's. Slick I I have the thing.
Have smooth brains days some days.
Well, how about this? How about we catch up?
How was your life? Oh, you know, insane.
Why insane? Cause kids and schools and work
(05:43):
and marriage and house like we it's supposed to.
You're supposed to. Also nobody tells you this when
you buy a house. It's another child.
It's a whole. Ass other.
Child, especially if you like adopted an older one.
Yeah, we got a, we got a 1961 special.
Yeah, because my brother bought an older home and we bought
(06:06):
fresh. Yeah, she was.
Yeah, you. Guys still had a, a, a warranty
on it, right? Yeah, brilliant.
Like, we got to watch the neighborhood grow around us.
We were one of the beginning houses.
And so yeah, just he. And I think it depends on who
you are as a person, right? I am not a fixed wrapper kind of
gal. Like, give it to me.
(06:27):
Not broken, no molds or rats, things like that.
You know, dilapidated roof. I'm not here for that.
I'm already dilapidated enough. I don't need to take on the
roof. So I was all about.
But then, yeah, hearing my friends who buy homes that are
just a little bit older, it's like, oh, she's crushed crusty.
(06:52):
Yeah, she crusty. It's that.
Lie. It's that lie that people tell
you about fixer uppers, right? Like you can make it whatever
you want it to be. It's like it becomes your
vision, which is true, true. Eventually I fully bought in
hook line and singer. I was like, I'm going to make it
mine. I'm going to use my creative,
which is true, and I love doing it and I love, I love
(07:13):
envisioning and ideating and I love like seeing my visions come
to life. All that's really great.
But like, to what end, You know what I'm saying?
Like, am I going to be creating visions and making them come to
life forever? Because that sounds exhausting.
And also like, luckily our roof,knock on wood, our roof is
great. Yeah, right.
(07:33):
We don't have rats. We don't have mold.
That was a big one for me. I was like, if there is, if
there is a dark corner in a house, when we were looking at
houses, I was like, if there's adark corner that the sun doesn't
touch, I don't want it because Seattle gets moldy.
Moldy. Very.
She damp. And yeah, if you, like, live
anywhere outside the city in a forest area, yeah, Yeah, well,
(07:54):
even like Mold's coming for you.We're at the top of the hill,
right, which is nice because we have far less like tree overhang
to keep us in, like the moisture.
And also because we had these amazingly pain in my ass, giant
mid century windows where we have the sun coming in all the
time, which is so lovely. We don't have, I think, the same
(08:15):
level of moisture, but like someof the houses that we would look
at that were at the bottom of the hill or like down in the
valley. Oh oh.
Oh, mold Central. Mold, central damp.
No thanks. No thanks.
Wet. But, you know, it's like even
considering all of those things,she she's structurally sound,
but you know, that bathroom hasn't been touched since 1961.
(08:39):
Come on, retro, come. On.
Like. You know, sooner or later.
I mean yeah, ours was built in 20 God 20/16/2017 and I'm even
looking at the bathroom being like we're old now, like we're
we've moved into that. Yeah, I live in my parents
bathroom. That's what it feels like
(09:02):
because it's been the the same way for so long.
Maybe or just like because of we're just interior design has
already gone now we're old, eventhough when we bought it we were
like the fresh hot thing and nowwe're like Tuesday is.
Leftovers. Yeah.
Now we're like old ladies with tchotchkes.
That's. What we shouldn't have named our
(09:24):
podcast Tchotchkes. Life so much.
Life tchotchkes, yeah. That'd be a hard one to How do
you spell it? People would never be able to
find it. TCH something botchke botchke
TCH botchke. Soy.
Good. Amazing.
How's your life? Life is great, we're on like
(09:45):
week almost 6 of teacher training and people are learning
and all the things are happening.
I love that. How are you week 6 already?
Time happened time, but I don't know 'cause that's like almost
halfway through. Time's a liar.
Wait, when was was that last? Weekend that you did your yes,
(10:08):
yes, yeah, that was a week ago, almost of the day.
Yeah, time is not real. Time is a construct but but it's
going really good. We get to learn about clashes
and mudras and chakras this weekend in a more Yenny vibe so
and I don't have to do it, whichis excellent.
(10:32):
Isn't that nice when you can sitback and let someone else take
the rein? Yeah, 'cause like planning
lectures is way harder than I thought it would be.
Or not harder, but like more time consuming than I thought.
Because even if you have a lecture and you're like, cool,
cool, cool, it's five hours, which already why is any lecture
5 hours? But but it's like, OK, that's,
(10:54):
you know, a few hours of planning and researching and
making sure I know what the French I'm talking about.
He has so much brain power and then you have to do it.
You basically do it twice. Right.
You plan it, you program it, youdo the research for it.
You have your document, which islike your guardrails, But then
you go in and have to do it live, which is doing all that
all over again, but also retaining enough in your head
(11:15):
that you can, like, speak to it without having your eyes on a
paper. Yeah.
And just kind of yes, Anding allthe things that are going to
come up that you did not plan for, like having people be like,
why are you asking that? Yeah, and I was.
Like, uh oh, I don't know. For fun.
'Cause I thought it was a good question.
I don't know anyway. Yeah, the live I also did it.
(11:40):
It's been so long since I have taught pelvic floor to teachers
rather than just to like a patient or a client.
I didn't get through probably a third of my programming in the
five hours that I had, and we still didn't even finish the
last thing. Right.
Like when you are teaching to people who are also teachers and
who are there for the sake of learning so that they can then
(12:01):
turn around and teach. Yeah.
It's like a whole different, whole different.
Ball game. Whole different ball game.
You cannot cruise. There is no cruising through it.
No, no, yeah, no. So that's been a fun, but it's
been fun. And I like learning, so, you
know, that's been nice, but it is a lot.
(12:22):
My brain has been on probably just OverDrive, which in its own
way has been really cool to see.Like the amount that I don't
challenge my brain. Yeah, like in my day-to-day
which actually leading in segue into our thing today.
Yeah. What happens when you push
yourself? What happens when you?
(12:45):
Believe in yourself. Believe in yourself.
Yeah. And you're like, I can do hard
things. This is different though.
Actually, now that I'm thinking about it's a good person versus.
It's like different but same, I think because like the whole
reason that we. Wait, before you go into that,
Yeah. Should I read it?
(13:07):
Yeah, yes. So that they know what we're
talking about. OK, so from Louis House.
Yeah, that's how we say a Louis house.
I came across a quote that said my life got better when I
realized I didn't have to be nice.
Nice got me used, stressed out and disrespected.
I'm not nice. I'm a good person.
There's a difference. You don't have to be nice to be
(13:29):
a good person. Being good means being honest,
setting boundaries, and taking care of yourself without
compromising your values. Being nice may give you
temporary approval, but it rarely earns you respect or
helps you build genuine connections.
Honor your truth. You won't regret it, Lewis,
snaps House. Snaps, snaps, snaps.
(13:50):
But that also I think like that ties into so many things, right?
Because like that is such a key element of self doubt is being
nice in order to keep the peace at all times.
Yeah, people pleasing. People pleasing which?
We've talked about, no one's heard it yet, but they we have
(14:12):
talked about. We've talked about it a lot,
some of it got deleted. Some of it wasn't even recorded,
some of. It was never recorded.
Some of it may never even air. It might just sit there and
click dust. Who knows?
It's now more tchotchkes. It's Tchotchkes.
Yeah, the self doubt, the self doubt that comes with always
being the nice person so that you never, never ruffle
(14:34):
feathers, right. Because you doubt that you have
the ability. The what's the word I'm looking
for? Not integrity, but like the the
Oh my God, I can't think of the word.
But like you doubt that you havethe safety to be able to be
(14:58):
anything other than nice, right?Or to be able to ruffle feathers
and know that it's OK. And so then that just like
perpetuates a cycle of self doubt and or like
underutilization of self. Like you don't challenge
yourself because challenge leadsto friction and friction and
being. Feels bad, right?
And scary. Yeah, and does not necessarily
(15:21):
correlate with being nice or keeping the peace.
Yeah, well, in setting boundaries, like that's the one
of the things that stood out to me in that quote or in that post
is like a good person is settingboundaries feels OK to set
boundaries. You can still set boundaries and
be kind. Yes, that just because I'm like,
(15:42):
no, I don't have the space for that in my life, doesn't mean I
hate you. And you're not a, you know, a
value to me. You're still a value to me.
But I also value my time. Yeah.
And my bandwidth. 100. Percent.
I think that we're we're taught that yeah, if we say no, we're a
bad person. And it's like, no, you can still
(16:02):
be a good dude. Two things can exist at one
time, Yes, which is such a mottoin my last few years.
It's like that can all be true. All of it can be true.
I used to see in black and whitewhere it's like, that can't be
true if that's true, and it's like no, yes, it can.
It all can be true. That is like the stupidest and
most relevant rule of life. Two things can be true.
(16:23):
Almost everything is a contradiction.
We are walking contradictions all day every day, but we like
to label things and put things in boxes because it makes us
feel more comfortable. And if we label it one way, then
we know how to deal with it. And so then we have control.
And so then we have predictability.
And so then we can just like create, manipulate an
environment where it feels like we know how to manage
(16:47):
everything. But also something that I have
had to like, really reinforce with my kids and myself.
To be fair, being nice and beinga kind person are not the same
thing. Yeah, you can be like, what does
nice even mean? Yeah, you could.
Be a really fucking terrible person and have the ability to
be nice. Every sociopath I've ever let
(17:10):
light something in my life on fire has been really nice.
Yeah. But they're not kind or good
people, but they have the ability to be really nice.
You can. Fake nice you can.
Fake nice all day long. Everybody does.
It's true, you know, we all do it.
But I think there's the intention behind it is what
(17:31):
makes you a good person. Yeah, right.
You can be nice and say something that, well, no, you
can be. Now I'm getting all the words
mixed up in my head. Everyone can fake being nice,
but you can't. You fake being a good person
where that's like, if nobody's looking, what's the decision you
make? Right.
(17:51):
And also like you can say reallyshitty things in a nice way,
that doesn't make it good or kind, right?
The root is not in kindness. The root is not in goodness.
Nice is just like a presentationfor people.
Yeah, I wonder what? And good people present as nice,
(18:14):
right? And some kind people present as
nice, but like, nice on its own.I feel like we, especially as
women, so, so many women are taught just like, be nice.
Yeah, be nice. How many times were you told?
That as a kid, don't. Be nice still told that, play
nice. As an adult.
Yeah, be nice. Be nice to boys.
Oh, just because they, they're, they're not bullying you because
(18:34):
they're being mean. They're just bullying with you
because you, or they're just bullying you because they like
you and they want to flirt with you and they don't know how to
do it. Just be nice to them.
That sounds like a them problem.Learn.
Yeah, how about they be nice? How?
About they be nice. And I just keep going about my
business, not influencing them at all.
Yeah, and they can figure their shit out.
(18:56):
We actually had a great conversation about this the
other day in teacher training about friendships and how people
will. And maybe it's how people set
boundaries, right? And they're just like, well, why
aren't you doing this for me? And, like, adult friendships,
like learning how to, you want to be nice.
You want to be, you want to havefriendships, you want to grow
(19:19):
those friendships. But the second somebody's like
setting boundaries, it feels like conflict.
Yeah. And like embracing that conflict
and then getting to set your ownboundaries be like, if you're
going to change. Yeah, which is fine.
We're all allowed to change. But if you're going to change in
a way that no longer resonates with my life, then is it time to
(19:43):
go our separate ways? Or can we still be friends?
And like how does that work? Yeah, you can reconfigure the
relationship at any time I thinktoo.
I mean like this is also like bleeds into so many different
parts of life. Any any friendship.
Any relationship, any marriage is really just a social
(20:06):
contract, right? And like, like any other
contract, you get together and renegotiate the terms when the
circumstances around you change and the terms need
renegotiating. But we as humans like things to
be set right? So like you and I are friends.
We have been friends for. 4 billion years.
(20:26):
Oh my God. Thirteen years. 13 Jesus maybe?
Somewhere around there. Somewhere around 1314.
But like the environments aroundus have changed over the past 14
years, and so our friendship haschanged over the past 14 years.
We also have changed fundamentally as people, which
also has an impact on our friendship.
So the terms of the social contract naturally change and
(20:50):
evolve over time. But I think that part of why it
has been smoother for us than maybe for other friendships is
because we both are people who acknowledge that evolution is,
yes, important, very important. And so, like, we have the
ability, and I would say probably most of the time, it's
an unspoken ability to be like, OK, you're evolving that way.
(21:11):
I'm going to evolve this way. And, like, we figure it out.
Yeah, some people can't. Some people can't do that.
I have some friendships that, yeah, have been really
tumultuous when people change and there's a lot of blame
that's thrown around, Yeah, of like, that's your fault and
(21:31):
that's my fault and all that. And I'm like, it doesn't have to
be. There shouldn't be any blame.
Like one open communication. Let's just talk about it.
Let's just talk about our feelings and know that it's OK
to ebb and flow. Yeah, and to and, and just
because we're friends doesn't mean that every conversation we
have has to either be nice or a friendship ending.
(21:53):
Like there is a massive in between where we can have
difficult but kind conversationsthat are rooted in a true desire
to get to a place of positivity,homeostasis, growth in the
relationship. Even if it's difficult,
uncomfortable, tense, whatever, if it's still rooted in kindness
(22:13):
and mutual appreciation for one another, it might not sound like
a nice conversation, but it willget to get you to a place that
is more sustainable for both people.
And I think boundaries are the same, right?
Like holding a boundary that allows you to live your life in
a way that's sustainable is not necessarily like the opposite of
(22:36):
kindness or, or the opposite of nice niceness, niceness, right?
Like, it's not, I mean, dot right now in her, in her four
years on this planet, the thing that I hear out of her mouth
most often right now is that's not nice.
Oh sure, swears like that. Which for a four year old,
right, makes sense. That's what they're learning.
But like, I don't have to worry about if I have a friend who
(22:59):
holds a boundary, there's no world where I would ever go up
to that friend and be like, that's not nice, but you will up
that boundary. That's not yourself.
You did that for yourself. Yeah.
To make your life more sustainable and comfortable for
you, which is what you should bedoing.
You should never put my comfort over yours.
That would be insane. That would also be a very
unhealthy friendship. But like, there is just so much
(23:20):
confusion. I feel like the lines are so
blurred when we talk about beingnice and if we're friends we
should be nice and I don't necessarily agree with that.
No, I no, I think one of my favorite things just gets me
riled up. Just turned on is like a people
(23:40):
pleaser who's setting boundaries.
Like anytime I've seen it. I am not a people pleaser.
I haven't been. Sometimes I wish I was.
I feel like I'd probably do better in theater.
It was. More of a girl.
But I think I have a happier life because I I wasn't yeah,
right. I have healthier priorities than
(24:04):
if I was early 20s Tori and doing the yes game to every Tom,
Dick and Harry in the world. If I was being nice, if I was
just nice and but man, now when I'm like a grown up, a grown up
and when I'm a, that feels so strange to say that I'm a grown
(24:26):
up. We're middle-aged.
Babe, Yeah. To see some of my friends who
are people pleasers or some family who are people pleasers
and they start to set boundaries, learning in their
middle age how to do that because it's never too late.
Yeah. And I'm just like, oh, I'm like
the biggest cheerleader. I'm like, yeah, you don't want
(24:46):
to have dinner with me. Love that for you.
You want to just sit at home andread a fucking book that would
like feed your soul more. Yeah.
Than putting out energy to me. Yes, please.
Yeah, and like there does not have to be shame attached.
I don't think that's yeah, that's, that's.
I understand being like, I'm nota nice person because I've
changed the plans, yeah, But I'mlike, at the end of the day, if
(25:10):
that's going to make you a better person, I'm here to
support that as your friend. Because I'm a kind person.
Yeah. I want the best for my people.
And to be able to support your friends when they're advocating
for their self and what they. Come on, advocation.
Is advocation a real word? Yes, it is.
Now print it. Send it.
(25:31):
Print it. Put it on the wall.
Make a charge key. Advocating for yourself?
Turn on. I mean, I think about 20s
Kimberly now granted, life was life.
Life for her was real hard and Iwrap her in my arms every time I
think about her. But I my bandwidth was so low,
(25:53):
my stress was so chronic and so high and so like life altering
all the time. I was such a flake.
I was a total flake. If I felt like I couldn't get
out of bed, rather than just being like, I'm fucking drained,
I can't hang out. I would always like come up with
an excuse because I thought thatwas the right thing, right?
Like, Oh, I can't because Roslynwhatever, or oh, I can't and the
(26:15):
kids right? I mean, listen, easy, right?
But like, I always felt like I was being a bad person if I made
a boundary for myself. And like, I look back at my life
and, and how that bled into so many scenarios where like I
fully welcomed in more stress and more trauma because I didn't
(26:38):
have the ability to just say, you know what?
This isn't right for me right now in this moment, so I'm not
going to do it. Poor girl.
Poor girl. Poor girl.
But I mean, look at you now. Because without all that
shenanigans, you wouldn't be thestrong person you are.
Yeah, the boundary holding advocating.
(26:58):
Hold that line. Yeah, you're like, like on
Monday when we were supposed to get together and podcast and we
were both like, I just can't. Yeah, can't do.
It I'm I'm very tired. It's my one day off.
So like I need, I need it. Yeah.
And I you know what's so funny about just that moment?
I was like, nervous to send thattext message to you.
(27:20):
Now I know, like if I could sendthat text message to anyone in
the world, it would be you. And you'd be like, it's fine
girl, let's put on our soft socks and lay down.
Let's get into Shavasana. But like the fact that you were
like, I love that for both of usmade me like so happy because I
don't want to be. I want to show up for my people
(27:42):
and for the things that I've agreed to do, but also take care
of myself and all the selves that come with me.
Yeah. Well, that's the balance I
think, right, Is like you're notgoing to do that every time.
If you did do that every time, we probably at a certain point
would have a different conversation.
But you're not going to do that every time.
You're going to do it when you recognize that you need it.
(28:04):
And to me, that's just as valuable, if not more valuable
than being the person that holdsevery commitment for the sake of
holding every commitment. I think there is a lot of
strength and value in being thatkind of person.
I think there is a flip side to that where if you are the person
that holds every commitment you've ever made ever in your
life for the sake of being a reliable and trustworthy and
(28:27):
dependable person, I'm sure they're.
Tori in her early 30s. The flip side of that is real
hard because then you get de prioritized because you are
trying so hard to prioritize a perception of you that allows
more value to other people than to yourself.
Man, that resonates deeply from my early 30s.
(28:49):
Well, I mean probably mid 20s to, but before like, I guess
I've always taken on more than Ican chew.
Sure, you know, I've always had a very full mouth, you know,
like chokeable at sometimes and and I've had to probably kids
really challenge that because then my priorities shifted, but
(29:14):
my ability to say no did not. And so and because I wanted to
be a nice person, a hard I wanted to be known as a nice,
hard working human being. I was draining my body of
absolutely everything. And I remember having a
conversation with the husband and saying and he was like Tori,
(29:34):
I was like somebody had asked meto, I think it was sub probably
a class or two on top of I had rehearsal or a show and and I
was like, should I do that? Like I can.
And he's like, listen, energetically I know you can.
Mentally I know you can. That's what he said.
Mentally I know you can energetically.
(29:57):
Should you? Because which I was just like,
way to hold my feet to the fire,Patrick.
Come on, Patty. Come on, Patty, which I need
that person right, because yes, I can always show up, but do I
have to? Just because we can doesn't mean
we should, right. And so I but I was like, I'm but
(30:17):
I can like just so, so stubborn and but that him like really
like holding the mirror up and saying like you don't, but
should you? Yeah, for cause like think about
yourself doing the show and you've taught all day.
Like are you respecting that Tori, that version of Tori?
(30:39):
No, no, like I'll finish the classes and be like, I'm
crushing it. But then, you know, at night
time you're like, I literally want to die.
I'm so tired. Yeah, don't have to.
It's OK to say no. Don't have to, and it's OK to
feel that way sometimes. Yeah.
But if you are, If you are. There was no sometimes though,
right? That's The thing is like.
If you are living your life in away that that is just your
(31:00):
day-to-day, which, yeah, I feel that.
Oh, I feel that. So deeply, yeah, because we are
taught and I think it's a generational thing actually, we
yet again, we talked about this in teacher training.
It was one of our older participants, one of my older
trainees, she's, I'm not sure she's got to be in her 60s, but
same generation as my mother. And my mother was like, we got
(31:24):
to pack it in like we've got to do, we've got to do.
I've got to prove that I can, that I am sustainable.
I am my own woman. I can have a job, two kids.
I can have my own bank account. I can have my own credit card.
Yeah, right. Like you can see the
generational stuff that's like trickling down.
And she and I had a conversation.
(31:46):
I don't know, it had to be earlypostpartum where it was like,
I'm so sorry that I trained you.That's that was the example you
saw was like, and she never saidno to something, right.
She was like always, yes, I can,yes, I can.
Yes, I can. I mean, there's some people
pleasing in there with my mom, but which I love.
(32:06):
But also it's really hard because I'm like, you don't have
to though. Yeah, she's like, well, what if
they think this? I'm like, who cares?
That sounds like a them. Problem.
Who cares what they think? Yeah, what other people think of
you is none of your business. It's none of my business.
And but there was this woman in teacher training who said that
she was like, I had learned verylate in life that I didn't
(32:29):
always have to be busy because then I was always because I was
trying to like please people andbe nice.
It's. And so it's been I'm glad that
maybe this generation, we're starting to learn a little bit
more the next generation. I mean, we still have the right,
no? We also have like the Gold Star
trauma. We have to unlearn the like more
(32:50):
gold stars, more AP classes, more talented and gifted, more
extracurriculars. How many extracurriculars can
you have on your college resume?Oh, you've only volunteered 7
times in your life. You've got to do more if you
want to get to college, right? Like we were raised.
Yeah, that more is more. Yeah, ending at 5:00 in the
morning. Yep.
(33:10):
High school all day shows at night time.
And I was and then 1415. Oh my God.
Every weekend you have a commitment.
There's something different. And if you have shows, yeah.
Or. And if you have shows, well,
they're not until the night. So what else you can do?
During the night, that's what I I would go, yes, I would do
drill, team, school, softball. Shows, yeah.
Who? Yeah, who?
(33:31):
And that's just the cycle that continued up until my 30s, until
I had kids. And then I had this priority
shift and that conversation of like, no, the priority shift of
no, yeah. Just like, no, I can't.
I can't. Also, there's nothing wrong with
(33:53):
not with nothing to do. There's nothing wrong with
nothing to do. There's nothing wrong with
downtime or quiet time to yourself.
And I feel like that's somethingI fully took advantage of before
I had kids. I was like, oh, I got a pencil
it, squeeze it in. How what else can I put on my
calendar? How else can I be social?
How else? And also like my cup is filled a
lot of the time by being around people.
(34:14):
And so like to me, I just went fully in that direction where I
was like, fill the cup, fill thecup, fill the cup to the point
that it wasn't filling my cup, but I was like, it was draining
my cup. But I was like look at how
amazing I was. I did brunch on the Upper West
Side and then I did happy hour in the East Village and then I
(34:34):
did dinner in Brooklyn. I'm so fucking amazing and I
live in Jersey City. Look at all the cool things that
I did come on subway and day I covered the whole ass city.
But like why? Why do I have 3 social
commitments on my one day off? Why?
Now, like almost 40 year olds, can you like, look back and be
like, bitch, what? I want to sit down.
(34:57):
Yeah. I want to go back to her.
I'm going to ride the subway from from end to end.
I'm going to start in Queens andI'm going to end up in Brooklyn
and I'm not getting off the fucking train.
I'm going to sit there, do nothing.
Yeah, retraining rewiring the brain to enjoy stillness is
really hard. I mean, that's what I'll say in
(35:18):
like Shavasana, where it's like you're literally training,
rewiring your brain to enjoy stillness.
Yeah, which we don't do, which. We don't know how to do, like,
especially our generation. It's like we don't know how to
stop. It's like, OK, when I am
sitting, but I should, like, probably be reading.
Yeah. Or I should probably be learning
(35:39):
how to knit. You know, like I should be
wiggling. You know the special skills on
my resume like I. Have to do some underwater
basket weaving you. Know my burn calls.
I'm like, what? Why?
Why can't I just sit? And then you add in like a
phone, right? A phone where you disassociate.
(36:00):
Oh I just heard this incredible study that was done with your
phones where you can put on likea grayscale.
I just saw that, yes. And the.
Rollins yes, we got to. I got to.
Do it. I want to figure out how she
like did a very fast how to and I was like, I can't, yeah, I
don't have the bandwidth for that.
But to see if that really does make a sense like a a
(36:22):
difference. I'm sure.
Can you imagine scrolling Instagram and everything's just
in black and white? Boring.
Come on. I think it's so cool.
I think just. It's literally the concept of
what was that movie Pleasantville.
Oh yeah, it's a good movie. It's reverse Pleasantville.
Contain it, reel it back. Reel it back fifty.
(36:43):
I think she I was listening to aone of her podcasts and she said
59 hours a week. That's more than our full time
jobs. No.
That we spent on our phones. No.
And it's too much, I guess. Like, think about 59 hours.
What could you do with 59 hours?Yeah, whether you're kind or
(37:05):
nice. Think of think of what you could
do with 59 hours. And it's so easy to.
It just becomes this like constant cycle that you get
sucked into where like I look atmy screen, I get the screen time
notification. Every week you average this X
amount of hours of screen time per day.
Last week, last week I think I averaged like 4 hours of screen
(37:27):
time a day. Now granted some of that is like
me working when I'm away from mycomputer.
Some of that is me doing household related work like
grocery lists. And.
But then, but also, let me tell you, deleting or cancelling our
prime membership, which we just did already, has changed the
amount of time that I spent on my phone.
(37:47):
Really. Because it's so.
Fucking easy, especially here when you can get things
delivered to you within like a day of two hours.
It's so easy to be like, oh I just need this really quickly,
let me just grab it. And then suddenly I'm doing that
multiple times a day for things I don't actually need.
Like do the girls need bluey andbingo headbands?
Sure it's cute, but like should they need it?
(38:09):
No. Did I buy it for no reason
because it was at the tip of my fingers and it could get here in
two hours? Like that shit's so unnecessary.
And then also it just completelychanges our spending habits.
Oh yeah, Because everything is so the trickle.
Down effect, yeah. Hot mess, hot mess, hot mess.
And what could I do even with that 4 hours a day and.
(38:30):
And I. Think or whatever it is after.
Work and all that. But I mean like you, I mean even
that. Then there's a fine balance,
right? Do you feel it or do you?
Meditate. Meditate or you know, garden tis
the season. You know some because some of
that freedom will cause people anxiety, right?
(38:51):
I also, I can't remember the Doctor Who created the thesis,
but saying that creativity kind of offsets anxiety, right?
When you start to have anxiety, if you can give yourself a goal,
if you can give yourself a task,it's like a dog in a ball,
right? Like, you throw the ball and the
(39:12):
dog's like, I don't care what else happens.
I have to get the ball. And our brains are similar to
that, where it's like, if you can have some kind of creative
outlet, whatever that might be, right?
Maybe that's your underwater basket weep.
Maybe that's learning Internet, whatever it is.
But like, when you have that, ifyou have the time and that time
(39:33):
gives you anxiety, it's like, well, then fill it with
something that, like, fills yoursoul.
Yeah. Or just gives you the
opportunity. Like for me, gardening is 100%
meditative. It is.
I'm like working towards something I'm.
Taking. Care of something.
I'm also like creating somethingthat my family can benefit from.
(39:54):
And then on top of all that, it's like silent time.
I'm not speaking. I'm not looking at a screen.
I'm not engaging with a child. Usually outside.
Yeah, usually outside. The sun is usually shining.
I don't garden in the rain. No, don't do that.
We're not those people. So I'm, there's fresh air,
there's blue skies, there's vitamin D Yeah.
And I am completely focused without a fucking screen in my
(40:18):
face, uninterrupted, just like spending time with myself in my
head and but like doing something with my hands so that
I'm just like processing information as I'm working on
something. And I like when when I winterize
my garden and basically like go indoors for the winter, I get
(40:38):
anxiety because I'm like, well, what now?
What? Now what am I going to do?
Scroll on my phone I guess. Like it's indoor plants.
I mean. Oh, they're everywhere.
They're everywhere. I have ones from IKEA but you
know that's how I inside garden.Listen, but you have them.
I guess they're there, they're there, they're there doing not a
(41:00):
lot for me, but but I, I did just buy a bird feeder.
I was like, Oh my God, I am the old woman from Mary Poppins.
But like I there was something that really made me happy about
it. I had to, like, go get food.
I went to a bird store. Yeah, Bird store.
You went to the Audubon. Society And like I was like, I
(41:22):
don't know, like she it was one of because I walked and she's
like, well, what kind of feeder do you have?
I was like, I don't know, one for birds.
It's one for birds. And it goes outside and she's
like, OK, is it, is it tall? Is it circular?
Like what's the deal? And I was like, it's circular.
It has a hood like a roof and she's like great.
Do you know what kind of birds? I was like, no, babe, they're.
(41:43):
Small ones with wings. Yeah, it's like they're small.
It's like, OK, it's like obviously look at me like I'm.
I was just there because The UPSStore was right next to her and
I had to go change my passport so.
You didn't walk in with your zipoff shorts, your zip off REI
shorts and your Yeah. Like 14 year old Tori.
(42:05):
Heck yeah. Cargo zip off.
Shorts. Trash.
Did I think I was an outdoorsman?
Like why did I have those, mom? Yeah.
Oh, I had the three tier ones too, where you could make it
like a culotte, like you could zip it off at the knee or you
could zip it off to like a higher short.
Oh no, I didn't. Because I was like, not.
Show my thigh. That's embarrassing.
Couldn't. Possibly I have big thighs so I
(42:27):
never. Wore shorts.
You have to be demure. Yep.
And skinny? Yep.
Gross. Games.
I want games. That's a whole different
podcast. It sure is episode.
Those the body shame. The body shame the the like 40
inch legs. If your legs aren't 40 inches,
(42:48):
are you even a person? Should you even go out in
public? I feel like that was our, you
know, like every runway model that's like 6 feet tall.
And yeah, that's a whole other. That's a whole other episode.
That's a whole other episode. Sure, we'll get into it at some
.0 a. 100% because so much is paced around that.
Yeah, they're so. It's so deep seated.
(43:08):
But it's, it's the same message,right?
Like our value exists in what welook like, how we present
ourselves to other people. Am I being nice to you?
And if I'm being nice to you, then do I have enough value to
be accepted in society as a person who, who is allowed to be
acknowledged and interacted with?
(43:31):
And then the layer for women too, the unnecessary apologizing
in order to be perceived as nicebe apologizing for everything.
I remember when I first moved toNew York, where everyone runs
into everyone because there's just not room, right?
Like if on the West Coast, if you're walking down the sidewalk
and you bump into somebody, you're like, what the fuck are
(43:52):
you doing in my bubble? Like I had a bubble and you had
a bubble and our bubbles did notneed to collide.
Like, why would you do that? We also have giant sidewalks and
nobody walks down the street. But in New York, small
sidewalks, lots of people, lots of traffic, you run into people
all day long. I so vividly remember it the
(44:13):
first time I ran into a woman. And rather than apologizing, she
said, excuse me? And I was like, what a genius
because she didn't do anything wrong.
But that's what I would do. I would run into someone and be
like, Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. And also like in New York,
nobody takes this time to say, Oh, yes, I'm so sorry.
It's too many words. You're already half a block
(44:35):
away. Goodbye.
Excuse me is the most you can get out.
Excuse me while you're like in relative distance to the other
person. But also you don't need to
apologize for doing something like accidentally running into a
person in a in that kind of scenario, right?
But it, I just remember it was like transformational for me
that you could make a mistake and then say, oh, excuse me,
(44:57):
Yeah. And then move on with your day.
I was like, oh, I just remember it.
It was like, it just completely changed the way that I perceived
everything. Yeah.
And I was like, I have to do that.
And then putting it into practice was like a.
Whole thing is like, that might seem really silly and silly to
some people being like, Oh my God, really.
Like, yeah, that's who cares if you say sorry And it's like, but
(45:20):
that's the practice. Yeah, right.
That's the practical practice that we're doing every day to
retrain our brains especially, yes, as women, we talk about
that in class where it's like, Idon't want you to continuously.
If you make a mistake, you don'thave to apologize for it.
Guess what? It's going to keep happening.
You break someone's leg, sure, apologize for that.
(45:43):
Yeah, but if you said, you know,right leg high instead of left
leg high, and they're like, Oh my God, I'm so sorry.
Yeah, no. No.
And the trickle down fact for students hearing constant
apology also is not great, right?
And so but like, stand in your power.
And also, how different is it tohear lift your right leg?
(46:05):
Oh, my gosh. No, no, I'm so sorry.
Lift your left leg versus lift your right leg.
Oh, excuse me? Lift your left leg.
Yeah, like you're you. You almost take away from the
practice by taking the time and the energy and the diversion of
attention to apologize for something.
And if we really want to go crazy with the yogic it it's
stealing. It it's self-serving.
(46:27):
It's. Self-serving and selfish.
And so let's not. Let's just.
Not let's not. You know what?
If I break your leg, I'll apologize.
Yeah. Thank you.
You're welcome. But I think that there that I
mean, that is the I don't know where it starts.
So that then, you know, we're women and that's where it
(46:50):
starts. And we're made to be like, I
have to be nice and therefore I have to apologize for existing.
Yeah. And how and those little tools
and tips and tricks from saying I'm sorry to excuse me.
I think that's the way to do it.I mean, watch how it changes
your life. Yeah, I dare you.
I dare you. I dare you learn underwater
(47:13):
basket weave and tag us please and then say.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Or rather rather. I'm always amazed.
I do you have this experience I love rather as well.
Do you have this experience in class where someone will raise a
hand or go to say something and before they actually say what
they want to say they start by saying I'm sorry I OOP.
(47:37):
She triggered it. Makes.
Me angry. Yeah.
Women who every time they raise their hand, I'm sorry.
Like, why are you sorry? You haven't even said anything.
Yeah, You haven't offended anybody.
You're sorry for raising your hand.
Sorry for. Existing, you know, and it is a.
It's a it's a people pleasing, smaller than anything vibe in a
(48:01):
person. And because I'm I'm, I want, I
love like the underdogs of the world.
I am your biggest champion, but you got to do the work, you got
to do the heavy lifting, and I will be there to support you of
like taking on the tools. Yeah, stand in your power stand.
In your power stand, take. Up the fucking space, please and
thank you. Yeah, because this is your life.
(48:23):
I I'm not, if I'm going to take a yogurt, yogurt, yogurt
teaching a yoga teacher training, I'm not taking it for
someone else. I'm taking it for myself.
So I'm going to show up every day getting the most out of it
that I possibly can for myself. And if I become that perceived
pain in the ass teacher's pet student, that's like asking
questions every 5 minutes. First of all, I I'm getting what
(48:46):
I need out of it. And second of all, what everyone
else thinks of me is none of my business.
And third of all, if me being perceived as the teacher's pet
means that I get what I deserve to get out of this.
What you paid for, I'm paying for.
You're devoting my time to devoting hours every week. 200
plus baby. Yeah.
I'm going to get exactly what I need out of it.
So that I can maximize my first of all, maximize my investment
(49:10):
and then maximize my output thatcomes from that investment.
Yeah, like why would I invest and then commit half ass to it?
Because I'm Because I'm. Trying to be nice, right?
Just because you're trying to benice and not take anybody's
time. No.
So my. That's my biggest goal.
Is like a personal goal of mine in this in my job is if I can
(49:36):
empower women specifically, but also men, but like, it's, you
know, yeah, it's 100% women in this in this round of teacher
training. Like if I can empower you to
stand firm, that's, that's my biggest goal.
If I can help give you tools to believe in yourself out in the
world, I will. Be happy.
(49:58):
You might not even be able to teach yoga, but no, you will.
They will, but but I think that that's where we make the society
a better place is like if you can be a better person and
believe in yourself, stop being so.
Nice. Be kind.
But don't you have to be nice? You don't have to be nice you.
Don't have to be mean either. Right.
(50:18):
But like, yeah, you don't have to be.
Nice. You can be kind and you can ask
for exactly what you need and itdoesn't make you too much.
It's exactly it is like you standing in your power, right
and advocating for yourself. It is you holding a boundary for
yourself. It is you not being a people
pleaser and saying I need to show up to every social
commitment that I've ever made because I want to be perceived
as the person who's reliable andnice and kind or what, right?
(50:41):
Yes, kind, not nice, right? But saying this is exactly what
I need for myself, and thereforemy words and my actions are
going to replicate that. And that's not to say to be
selfish, right? Like you still exist in a world
with other people. But that's where the duality
comes in. Two things can be true.
I can make decisions that prioritize me and also
(51:02):
acknowledge that me prioritizingmyself and considering the
environment around me is also what's best for everybody else.
If I'm making decisions for other people, that's me making
decisions based on assumptions. That's me assuming that I know
what you want. And then like that's just a
whole clusterfuck of things thatwe don't need.
(51:22):
No, that's never really. Worked out for anybody?
No, the the assumption always usually like kicks it.
Yeah. And makes it not.
Kind, right? Not kind.
Absolutely not. Kind.
Absolutely not kind. This is.
This is. Something that Nick.
And I struggle with a lot where he's like, oh, I want to do this
for you because I think it's what you need.
Like you didn't ask me if this is what I need.
(51:45):
And you making that decision without asking me actually
removes my voice. It removes my ability to be an
autonomous person because you'vedecided without my input what it
is that you think I need and then made a decision, made an
action based on that rather thanif.
If your true aim in the moment is to serve my needs rather than
(52:08):
understanding what they are so that you can serve them, that's
rough. Just make decisions for
yourself. Just make you just.
You do you, Boo. You do you, and don't be afraid.
To prioritize yourself and don'tbreaking apologize, yeah.
Because you're never too much and you're.
(52:30):
Always enough. Enough.
Yeah. Every freaking day.
Yeah, yeah, you're always enough.
And never too much. Never.
Blammo. But also like, sit with that.
You have to believe it. Yeah, right.
Otherwise it's fake. Yeah, otherwise it's too.
Fat, yeah. And it's all fake.
(52:51):
It's all fake news. And don't be the fake news in
your own life. Don't, don't.
Do it, we out. Bye bye.
Look at that. Fucking nailed it.
Crush it. That's how you'd podcast.
Everybody, how you doing? Oh God, I was watching it the
(53:16):
whole time. That was Oh my God, if that's
all lost then I will cry.
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