E14 When Your Inner Monologue Needs a Hug

Back to our regularly scheduled programming, we're shining a light on the harsh critic that is our inner voice. We unpack why our brains default to being the party pooper and how to shut them down without turning into a toxic positivity robot. There's other stuff too. It's giving full Moming-in-Summer chaos.

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Should we just do it? 5678 I'm Kimber No.
And I'm Tori. Yep, Yep.
God, yeah. It's Friday.
That's good. Sunny Friday.
It's real good. Hey, Brian.
It's fine. It's fine.

(00:21):
I'm. Tori, hi, I'm Kimberly.
Oh my God, and welcome to. It's nothing.
It's everything. And hi.
Hi, we got stuff to talk about. Hi, by the way.
Hello. It's been, I feel like 100 years
since I've seen you. I do feel like it's been 100
years. I was like, we haven't recorded.
It's only been two weeks, but itfeels like a.

(00:43):
Long time I know so much has happened between now and then.
Quite. Much, so much.
I was on the other side of the country.
Yeah, you saw 17 shows in three.Days, So many shows I saw.
I saw seven shows in five days. That's a lot.
Whilst also working and going tothe doctor.
Yeah, yeah. Just having lots of fun.

(01:05):
Wow. I have a four way tie for my
favorite show. OK.
And they're all very different. OK Operation Men's meet.
Must see, must see. It's about it's true story about
some British secret agents who tricked Hitler into believing

(01:26):
that we were going to going to enter Italy via Sardinia.
So he pulled his 90,000 troops out of whatever southern
coastline they were trying to protect and moved up north to
Sardinia so that we could come in and win the war.
And then we did. So it's not beat musical.

(01:47):
It's actually very upbeat. It is five actors that play.
Hitler always feels like an upbeat.
Situation at the you know, the Nazi number is the top of the
second act and it is like sequins it's a boy band number
flashing lights, serious boy band ography.
It's so good. It's great.

(02:07):
It's so it's 5 actors they play.I don't.
Know how many characters but. It is literally like 100
characters between the five of them.
It's so it's so fast, move so fast, so quippy, so good, so
zippy, but then also like just super sneaky moments that are
very. Pull your heartstrings.
Yeah, pull your heartstrings. Highly recommend.

(02:29):
So that maybe happy ending with Darren Criss.
It's about some robots. Yes, it's about some robots who
fall in love. Yeah, like they do, you know,
like Wally or want to do. Yeah, like Wally and Eve, Eva,
Eva. And then a show, a play called
Purpose. OK.

(02:52):
Which is it's like, it's not unlike August Osage County.
It is heavy, it's a 3 hour show.It is a family drama.
It's all about like the skeletons in the closets.
The entire first act takes placeat dinner.
That's amazing. And it is like who?

(03:13):
It's a lot. It's a whole, whole lot.
And then the 4th 1 is Oh no, Sarah Snook, it's a one woman
show. It is.
With the GAL from hacks. Is that Sarah Snook?
No. There's also Jean Smart.
Oh, I saw that one too. Yeah, yeah.

(03:33):
Man, is that a five way tie I. Think you said it was a five way
tie. OK, well, call me Izzy, which is
the Jean Smart we saw the first preview, so like it was to.
See her act in real time and like, talk about making her
life. What Hacks is like.
Hacks is about her being a comedian, right?
Oh, we're kind of, Oh yeah, like, kind of like a washed up

(03:55):
comedian, stand up comedian. And she's like getting kicked
out of Vegas. And she's like, screw this, I'm
gonna make my own stuff. And then she like, explodes.
Now, I'm only on Season 3, so itcould go Helen high Water, but
but yeah, that's what that's like the whole premise.
And about like she brings in like a struggling comedy writer

(04:17):
also played by a actress I do not know.
But she's fantastic. It's very funny.
Highly recommend. Is it?
Is it rosin friendly? Yeah, yeah, You know, should we
test it out first? You might want to watch the 1st.
We are watching Maisel with her right now.

(04:38):
It's just more swearing, and it's real time.
Well, she knows, but she knows that yeah, she's Skibbity.
Ribs. She grew up with actors and now
she's surrounded by brain rots. So what's brain rot?
Skibbity, Riz. What's?
I don't even know what Skibbity.Riz is all those words.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, there was a likea a professor who did a a whole

(04:59):
a whole lecture in their dialect, the gens, and it was
incredible, though. It was really even understand
it. Well, no, but like they did,
they did and it was and he he said, you know, keep challenging
the language, keep challenging the language, keep doing it.
All right. You know, I like, really liked

(05:20):
it. Where did you find it?
Instagram, of course. Where everything.
Is where I find everything. Sure.
Oh, I remembered the other one, the Picture of Dorian Gray.
Oh, OK. Is the Sarah Snook show one
woman show she plays the The visual effects in that show were
absolutely unbelievable. Like I don't think it will ever

(05:41):
tour because I don't know how they would ever possibly do
that. It was I I don't know how it's a
2 hour no intermission one womanshow.
What? But when I said the same thing
and then when I watched it, I mean I don't know how she
doesn't die at the end of every show because the last 20 minutes
are like a monologue of someone who is like on cocaine and had

(06:07):
twelve shots of espresso at the same time.
Like she is talking so fast and also her character is like
having this full mental episode.I mean it's like 20 minutes of
just like not breathing and she's I don't know how she does
it. She's unbelievable.
She went so sprints before she opened that show, yeah.
Yeah, and she has two show days.That's bananas.

(06:30):
And they're God bless a different breed.
They really are Broadway performers.
Yeah, yeah. So, you know, like, I don't even
think she has an understudy. I don't know how well I guess.
I don't know how she would. Have to because but there are no
but all of the visual effects are her.
Well I'm sure they have like another B roll.
I don't know because it's so like it's so tech heavy and has

(06:50):
to be so expensive like it would.
I don't, I don't know, but I think it's a limited engagement
too. I could be starting rumors.
I have no idea. It's great, great shows, great
stuff on Broadway. Very very exciting to see,
especially because you know we had some snooze fest seasons
after after the pandy. It's nice to know that there's
like, new artwork happening in the world.

(07:11):
Yeah, and very. Cool, just like Guys and dolls.
Yes, but also like Operation Mints Meet was was written by
the five actors who are in the show.
It is like the thing that they created from the ground up and
then took to the West End and are now on Broadway.
It is like the everyone's fantasy.
Inspiring. Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
So it's very exciting to see some real magic.

(07:32):
Come on, magic. Come on, magic.
I love it. Blah, blah, blah.
And then other stuff. Doctor's appointments.
Very boring. How was your weeks?
Weeks. Two weeks?
I haven't seen you in two weeks.I didn't get to take your yoga
class. I know it's it's fine.
Yeah. We're just like in the

(07:52):
transition of one kid is now in summer, one kid is not in summer
and still won't be for like another few weeks.
So whenever this comes out, you know, doesn't matter anymore,
but we're just doing transition and planning for summer.
And I definitely have a the first summer that Finn, my

(08:14):
eldest was in like school and wehad like a school year and then
we had summer. I remember that summer being
really hard for me because I waslike, what do I do with you?
And like the pressure every day,no time by myself, you know,
just like, and I didn't have anycamps or anything.

(08:36):
So it was just like, it was, it was horrible.
Like I really hated it. And so then last summer when I
was like, OK, I'm getting better.
I'm going to listen. We're going to do it now.
Camps are bloody expensive. Holy God.
And you have to, like, set an alarm for the day that they open

(08:57):
registration. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
So you can get a freaking slot. Yeah, well, I and here's The
thing is like, I don't even, I don't even attempt those kind of
camps because it's too stressful.
I think those are the only kind of camps we have in the city.
It that's which is true, you know, like I go to like a my
gym, you know, like those little.
Things. What do you call it?
Drop in No. I mean, they have drop

(09:17):
insurance, but my gym or there'smy gym, there's little gym, all
those like little franchisey things, which none of them are.
They're not all created the same.
Yeah, definitely. But there's one that's real cute
by our house and they have fun. Like there's a Sonic theme week
and a, you know, Mario theme week.

(09:39):
And so my kids are all about it exciting and it is affordable.
And that's the thing. Last summer I was like, OK, it's
going to be camp for a week. No camp, 'cause I don't want to
like over tax the system, right?And it's also so expensive.
It's also so expensive and like hash I, we can't afford it.
But like, but I also, you know, and at that time I only had one

(10:02):
cause Sawyer was so young that Icouldn't put him anywhere.
He was just here with me all thetime.
And being a BLOB. He's just a just a bag of goo.
And so his bag of goo was great And but I last summer I was like
thriving because I'd, I'd like planned it so well, yeah.
And then for some reason this maybe I have PTSD the first

(10:26):
summer because then this year, this summer I was like, Oh my
God, is it going to be enough? And blah blah blah.
And now I have two. So it got more expensive because
now sort of is old enough. Yeah, it's insane.
Yeah, having a children, Having children is having children is
just a guarantee that you will never have a savings account

(10:49):
because all of your money goes to keeping them alive.
And and entertained and yeah andlike picking the camps that, you
know, the kids will maybe like to and.
Then also making sure that thereare camps that do something
other than just like set the kids at a table with a coloring
sheet all day long. Also that that cost you 7. $100

(11:11):
a week. Yes, yeah, There was like a a
bike one I really wanted to signmy kids up for, but it was, I'm
not Joe. It was astronomical.
Pedal heads. Yes, yeah.
And I was like, I heard such amazing things and I'm like,
that's awesome. I heard it was expensive, so.
But I was like, it's fine. You know, it's blah, blah, blah.
No, can't afford that. And it's like far away, like all

(11:35):
the camps that we have that we're the kids are in this
summer are like relatively closeto my house, like 10 minutes
from me. Yeah, Pedal heads is the city,
right? Well, the ones that I was
looking at like in Issaquah, which isn't horrible, right, But
not. Yeah, not around the.
Corner. It's not around the corner.
There was also one in like a Renton, but yeah, it was like

(11:56):
600 bucks a kid. I was like for a week, you know,
not even all day either. It's not like I all day
situation. I don't think my kids would like
all day, but you know. That would be intense to outside
riding a bike all day long. Oh my God.
I don't want to do that, no. And I I'm still not very good at
riding a bike. Oh, my God, Roslyn.

(12:17):
Roslyn had a when we lived in New York, Roslyn had a bike with
training wheels. And then we moved to Indonesia,
nowhere to ride a bike. Nearly a sidewalk.
Insight. Yeah.
Also super polluted. So like you don't hang out
outside because there are 22 million people in Jakarta during
the day. That's a lot of commutes in from

(12:39):
literally everywhere. Yeah, it's just horrible traffic
all the time, all the time. So you just don't spend time
outside. You spend time at the mall
instead. Yeah.
So obviously didn't ride a bike there and then we moved back and
I feel like the summer we moved back while I was on bed rest

(13:02):
with recovering. The.
Dengue, I feel like she tried, like maybe Kim shout out to Kim
dare. Maybe Kim tried to teach her and
she like couldn't, couldn't, wasnot in the headspace for it.
And then I feel like there were multiple summers where she just
like would get anxiety, didn't want to learn, didn't want
anyone to watch her, didn't wantanyone to teach her.

(13:24):
And then last summer, so she was14 last summer we were at Sun
River with family, and it's likeSun River in the summer.
You all just go out and ride bikes together.
You ride your bike to the pool. You ride your bike to the to
lunch. You ride your bike to
everywhere. So they don't have those little
strap on for a 14 year old. Yeah, I didn't.

(13:45):
We didn't do that. No, she did actually ride in the
bike trailer with .1 time. Oh my God, pet whore Nick.
But yeah, which of course, you know, he was like, go, let's go,
bro. Got it.
But I feel like she was like looking around and looking at
like 5 year olds riding bikes and she got super frustrated.
And so she just like took a bike.

(14:06):
I took her, I, I tried to help her a little bit.
Yeah. And after like 10 minutes, she
was like mom and just stop. And I was like, OK.
And so then I just sort of like just step back and watch.
And she was like, and you just stop watching me.
And I was like, OK. And so then she took it onto
like one of the bike trails awayfrom where we were and just
figured it out on her own. And like after 45 minutes she
came back. She was like, OK, I'm fine,

(14:26):
let's go for a ride. And we went and we rode the
bikes like 3 miles and she was fine.
That's badass, that's badass. I love that.
I was kind of the same way though.
I was like, I will teach myself how to do things, but don't
watch me do it. Don't watch me do it IA 100% I'm
still that way. I won't try it in front of
people but like everyone, look away and then I'll figure it
out. Yeah, I'll figure it out.

(14:46):
Oh, I took off my own training wheels.
Like we, you know, my parents have a bigger, you know,
driveway or whatever. And so we, I was out there, I
don't remember how old I was, but I had, was probably 5, like
the oldest 5 or 6. And yeah, I was out there by
myself just like beep, boop, beep booping around.

(15:07):
I was like these fucking little wheels are, you know, like
always made me like get shift and like, there's, you know,
they make you weeble wobble. They make you weeble wobble.
And I was like, that's dumb. And so I went into my dad's, I
don't know why I didn't go to a parent or maybe I did go to a
parent and they were just like we will in a second.
I'm doing something. And so I was like, screw it.
And so I went into my dad's garage in his shop and got

(15:31):
something that looked like the nut that was keeping that trash
wheel on. And I took him off myself and.
Got that wrench you? Said I said this looks like it
could fit that, so let's try that.
And then I can imagine tiny babyVictoria just like, walking up
with training wheels in her hands, handing them to her
parents, being like, OK, thanks,bye be.

(15:51):
Like these are a waste of my time.
I'm better than this. Too bad, better than this.
And so yeah, that's. I don't remember learning how to
ride the bike after that, but I do remember taking off my own
training wheels. That's good.
Yeah, that fits. That's right, I don't remember
anything after. Yeah, I do know how to ride a
bike. But you took charge of your own

(16:12):
destiny, and look at you now, yeah.
She was. She'd taken off her own training
wheels. Yeah, can't stop me.
But I probably didn't, I don't remember learning how to ride
bike. I don't either.
But I'm trying to get the boys to do it.
And, like, Finn just refuses. He's like, no, I feel safe with
my wheels, my training wheels. So like, let's just leave them.

(16:33):
And I was like, yeah, but look at all your, you know, all your
other friends in the cul-de-sac were like, not.
And he's like, I don't care. I was like, all right.
That's how Roslyn was for all ofelementary school.
We would go. We would, especially during
COVID when we would have park meetups with her friends and
everyone would bring their bike.And she would either bring her
rollerblades or her scooter. Yeah.
And like, our her class in elementary school had a annual

(16:55):
camping trip up at Deception Pass, and everyone would bring
their bikes and she would bring her scooter.
And she was, just like always, the kid on the scooter.
I mean, listen, I love a scooterand a rollerblade.
Yeah, come on, Rollerblade. Cut it up with them
rollerblades. I fucking love the rollerblade.
I do remember any time I was I got out of the hospital because
of my asthma when I was little, I would go straight to the

(17:16):
outside and like ride a bike in circles.
Until your lungs couldn't handleit anymore.
Well, I mean, I was on so many steroids that like my lungs
could handle everything. At that point, nebulizer.
I nebulized every day until I was about 23.
Wait, really? Yeah, you took it to college.
Yeah, babe. Oh my God, I did it every
single. I can't remember.

(17:39):
No, I mean, no, I didn't do it every single night.
But yeah, I don't travel withouta nebulizer.
Full blown nebulizer. Ever.
Anytime you go on a trip, you pack it with you just in case.
He's wow. Because I'm an acute asthmatic,
so like it goes, it can turn zero to 60 very quickly.
And I'm allergic to most things outside environmental things.

(18:02):
I've gotten it pretty good. Like I haven't.
Here's the thing that's safe. Because I have an asthma
specialist. I still have an asthma
specialist. Specialist.
Let's not mumble the word. And but I remember like my old,
my old guy, the guy that had to watch me lift my tits off to
give me the note. Oh, same guy.
Same guy I had, I mean I had himtill he retired and I was in my

(18:25):
20s at least and but he had me doing my nebulizer every single
night. And then I went back in as adult
and as an adult the my doctor was like, why are you doing?
That that's so intense. And I was like, well, because my
doctor told me to. And intense.
Yeah. I mean, that's a lot of, you
know, that's why I'm 5/2. I was supposed to be 5-7.

(18:47):
Did you get the shakes every time you used it?
If I hadn't done it in a while, that's what I hated about it.
I would always get like. Oh, your whole body shakes,
trammers. Yeah.
And like, you know, in the hospital, they would put me on
a, on a, a nib, you know, for 10minutes or until the medicine
ran out, right. And then probably half hour
later I would have to go back onit.
And so I was just like full, just Katharine Hepburn because I

(19:12):
was so cheeky. I was just like, you know, And
so anytime like both boys are touched also with the Asmar.
And so, you know, RSV Finn, our Sawyer had RSV this last
Christmas and they put him on before they found out it was
RSV. They put him on nebs and so he's

(19:32):
just sitting there just like Katharine Hepburn and so hard
and which is nice that I, you know, have the experience.
Yeah. So it's not scary.
Yeah. Because Pat's like, I was like,
it's OK. You're like, it's normal babe,
don't. Worry we're just going to we're
just going to, you know, Co regulate as much as we can with
him like hold him and rock him and like I must remember

(19:57):
anything. Do you ever catch yourself like?
When you're kind of stressed outand you like rock yourself to
sleep. Yeah, like you're rocking your
child. Yeah, uh huh.
I did it. I was pregnant in Disneyland.
This is before COVID, so it was.Fed the trip at the gates.
Yes, this is for Troy's birthdayand I was there 10 weeks

(20:21):
pregnant, sick as a dog. And I was like and I was like,
and I had had a miscarriage. So I was everything scared me.
I was like, I'm not going to go any fucking rides like.
Not a one. The Ferris wheel is dangerous.
I was like, no, and I was sitting there, you know, feeling
so gross and I was like laying down, taking a break in the in
we all. I was in Troy's room and I was

(20:43):
laying down on his little couch and I was just rocking myself.
And he's like, are you self soothing right now?
Yeah, like I didn't even think about it that way.
And I was like, I just felt good. 100% AM.
And so anytime I like catch myself like self regulating and
they're self soothing, I'm like,I always think of Troy, but.

(21:03):
I do rock. I'm the same way when I'm
nauseated, when I'm sick, I rock.
It feels so much better. Yeah, yeah.
And so I, I have hopefully pass that on to the boys when they
get, and I mean, like if they have to do an, we have to be
very aware of when we're doing it because we do it before
bedtime. But now they're the.
Jacked. Oh yeah, Then you get insane.

(21:25):
Yeah, they're just jitters. And I mean, one time we had to
do it, Finn And Finn, you know, he was felt better, which is
great. But he was in his room.
I was trying to put him down andhe was like, I mean, talking a
mile minute. He was like, Oh my gosh, let me
tell you about my day. And have you seen the sun?
And it's upstairs in the sky andit's so yellow and it's so

(21:48):
bright. And have you seen trees?
Trees are outside and they blossom and they're so.
And I was. Like where's his eyes like
bulging? I was like.
Oh my God, I was like, you nevernoticed when you're when they're
a little bit littler, right? But I was like, good God, he is
talking like a hamster on a hamster wheel like he was.
Working on his character for Picture of Dorian Gray.
Sure, Yeah, this is Zing, Zing, Zing, Zing.

(22:11):
I don't even know how we got here, but yes, I'm an asthmatic.
So we're not riding bikes. Oh, pedal heads, please come all
the way back around. Here we are.
So back to paddle heads. I can't afford it.
Yeah, it's Charles. Expensive.
And I mean, is it, is it like riding a bike?
Like, if you don't ever learn, how are there adults out there?

(22:33):
Readers, listeners love to hear from you if you don't know how
to actually ride a bike and you're an adult.
Almost Roslyn. Because like people say like why
be in their butts? Potty training You've never seen
an adult you know everyone figures out eventually is is
bike riding like potty training I.
Mean no, I guess, if you're around.
Bicycles. Because, like, what if you're
just never around a bicycle? I know plenty of New Yorkers

(22:54):
who'd never ridden a bike. It's, it's like driving.
Like, I know plenty of people who grew up in New York who do
not drive cars because you don'tdrive in New York.
So I have a friend in Californiawho doesn't drive all.
Right, well, we wanna hear from you still.
Yeah. Tell us, have you taught
yourself how to ride a bike? Yeah, Have you not taught
yourself how to? Ride you taking off your old
training wheels. Are you afraid of bikes?
I would be, yeah, after not doing it for probably a decade,

(23:16):
I got back on when we were in some beach town and I was like,
yeah. And they're like, it's just like
riding a bike. And I was like, I don't know,
guys. I think that's a false false
statement. It's scary when you haven't
ridden for a while, yeah. But then you, you know, you got,
I was like. Ease into it.
Yeah, yeah, balance. It's also very meditative.
I did love it. I was like, I want to do that
more and I do want to like buy abike because now the boys will

(23:38):
go with training wheels and all,and they'll go, you know, up and
down the thing. And I'm like I could if I was
with them. I want a bike.
Yeah, do it. I want a big banana.
I want you and Patty to get a tandem bike.
Hat would hate. I want to see him in a little
barbershop outfit like the striped top.

(24:00):
So frustrated because we wouldn't work in in the.
He'd. Be like bulking stroke Tori.
Come on. Your little legs and his long
legs. Oh my.
God, so dumb enough to Jeff, like who would be?
I'd have like, who's in the front?
Who's the back? I don't know.
Well, I think. You would have to be in the
front because I can't see over you.

(24:20):
Yeah, you would just be looking at his back the whole time.
I'd be like, I don't know oncoming traffic.
I can't. I don't know.
I'm just back here holding on for dear life, please.
But the winds like I would be, you know, like it would just go.
Around, yeah, that's true. It would be aerodynamically very
beneficial for you, yeah. And we go fast.
Look at us, figure it out. OK, tandem bike.
You hear that, Patty? Now you don't want to get her

(24:41):
for what's coming up next, her birthday.
Yeah. 4030. 939. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Listen, 39's as good a reason as
I need to get a tandem bike, whynot?
Amen. I'm just over here with the
ideas, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, did we want to do the the shout out?

(25:04):
I didn't say that. Wait, wait, wait, Refresh my
memory to a. Listener.
Oh yeah? Well, stop.
I'm being. In my way, let's do it.
Who should be? Who are?
Who are? We shouting out I think.
It's got to be Yas. Yas Yasmina the Queena.
Yasmina the Queena. Yeah, OK.

(25:25):
Well, for everyone outside this room, because they don't know
what we're talking about, we've decided for those people who are
so active in our community, the people who are our community,
First off, thank you. But also, if you're sharing, if
you're engaging with us and helping us, you know?
Grow spreading the spreading thegreat work.

(25:46):
And even if you just like listenevery time and then like talk to
me or Kimberly when we're at like the studio or in life or
whatever, we wanted to like start a segment.
I don't know what we should callit though.
I don't either. We'll figure it out.
Listen, give us ideas. What do we call?
It give us ideas, but we wanna, we wanna shout out those people.
And today it's Yasmina. The Queena, the.

(26:08):
Queena because she is so magical.
So magical. She truly is, and she has no
hamstrings and she's the longest, most beautiful person
I've ever seen. There is a photo of me doing
aerial yoga next to her in Mexico and it I look so stupid.
I can only imagine with my. 29 inch inseam and her like Barbie

(26:30):
legs. Beautiful.
Just like legs to the sky. Yeah, just come on.
Yes, come on. But also just so kind, so kind.
So yes, thank you for thank you for being here.
We love you. Thank you for being here.
Thank you for thank you for wait.
Thank you for your questions. By the way, which we have not
used yet on KT Hot Tech, but we will we're.

(26:51):
Going to get to it, but also. Like thank you for your feedback
and your thoughts and sharing how our episodes have impacted
you and also the people in your life so.
So many tears I've shed. So many tears and also just like
really validating for us, but also I think empowering.
Like I felt I feel empowered by hearing those stories of how US

(27:13):
sharing our stories effects people.
Because I think that's why we decided we wanted to start
recording our conversations so that people can hear them
because, you know, sometimes youjust need want.
To be alone, yeah. And sometimes like you just need
affirmation that you're not the only one who thinks or feels a
certain way. And being able to hear that from
someone else is so validating. Makes you feel way less alone

(27:35):
so. So thanks Yas.
Thanks Yas Mina, the Queena you keep.
Showing up. We go and keep showing up, yeah.
You're the best. We do it for Yas.
We do it for Yas. So Speaking of Segway, what are
we talking about today? Being mean to ourselves, Being
mean to ourselves? Being hella mean.

(27:56):
And why and why and why? Yeah.
And when you feel yourself doingit, how can you get out?
Yeah, so, so many. Poof.
I also I mean God where we want to.
Start. I mean first.
First at the very beginning. It's a very good place to start
I would say. The day I was born.

(28:16):
Well, back in 1986, Oh no. I would say that probably the
best place to start is like, what does being mean to yourself
mean? It's how you talk to yourself.
But I mean, but I mean like, is that just like any negative
thought? No, I don't.

(28:38):
I mean, it's it negative thoughts are part of it, I
think. But the way that we treat
ourselves, the way that we restrict ourselves or withhold
from ourselves or indulge or overindulge, right?
Like the things that we would never let our children do, or
the things we would never say toour children or our friends or

(29:00):
our family. Those those like magical
behaviors that somehow we reserve just for ourselves.
Do you think it all stems from parents and or childhood?
That's a. Good question.
Or do you think that there are people who are like, are we just
programmed? I think there are layers.
I think there are layers. I think some of it is childhood

(29:23):
for me personally, like the way that like the the way that I
would be communicated with in intimes of struggle.
Did you notice that that's how you would communicate with
yourself in times of struggle when you grow up?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I used to be very good at saying

(29:44):
Kimberly, what is wrong with youto myself.
Oh, yeah. Oh, no, yeah.
Like, make a mistake, like, justa normal person thing.
Like making mistakes is, you know, just part of being a human
and learning about the world andgrowing and evolving.
But like, I, my recovering perfectionist, doing my best to

(30:06):
recover. But there was definitely a time
where I was just like, anytime Iwould do anything other than
perfect, that was always my immediate response myself.
What's wrong with you? Why I would never say that to
anybody else? I mean, maybe in jest, but like,

(30:28):
yeah. Or like, I used to my alarms
that I would set in the morning to wake up would always be like,
so aggressive. Like, I always, I always, my
alarm always has a little note. Oh, and now when I set an alarm,
it's usually like, get up, babe,today's gonna be great.
Or it'll be like, nice emojis orit'll be something to, like,
start my day off on the right foot.
Yeah, but my alarms used to say things like, get the fuck out of

(30:50):
bed. It's just so aggressive.
It is aggressive, but I think that that's, I don't think
that's bad, but. It's all about intention, right?
It's like the way I intended it and the way I would hear it or
like read it to myself. 100% there's.
That it was not like a cute silly like get the fuck out of
bed. It was not bad.
It's like, get out the fuck out of bed, you lazy piece of yeah,

(31:12):
garbage human. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. And I think it's, I think it's
very layered. I think part of it is, is how I
was communicated too. I think part of it is cultural,
like how we interacted with one another as children or how
children interact with each other or, unfortunately,

(31:34):
grown-ups also. Yeah.
But I do think it's fascinating.And I would love to understand
more about, like, why the default so often is to go
negative when you are observing something that you've done or
communicating with yourself in any certain way.
Yeah. I wish I could have.

(31:54):
Maybe we've talked about it of like the I just haven't learned
it yet. I mean, we talked about it in
the e-mail with Mr. Cole Culbertson.
Just like I haven't learned thatyet.
Yeah. But yes, as recovering
perfectionist, which I very mucham as well, like that is a
really hard. That's so uncomfortable.

(32:16):
Yeah, right. Just like I could be.
I should just be better. Yeah, my standards are too high.
But dropping your standards feels yucky, right?
Because it because we frame it that way of like I'm dropping my
standards instead of just like, I don't know that yet.
I don't know how to. Yeah, you.
Know or like you're making an adjustment.
Or you're making an adjustment. Yeah.

(32:38):
Yeah. I think the being mean to
myself, the first thing that came to my mind when we were
going to discuss that is or thiswas it all had to do with
physical. Yeah, right.
It all had to do with physical 'cause I think, I mean, I've
been called mean my whole life. So so.

(33:00):
And that's why we're friends. I was like and man, there has
been some like real, not roadblocks, but mirrors in the
last little bit about that in mypersonal life.
Oh interesting, the universe is trying to highlight something
for you. The universe is very much
highlighting the fact that, you know, we have that saying of

(33:21):
like you're never too much and always enough.
Which Speaking of, yes, like that was a big connection for
her. And I when I said that she was
like that affected me so much inclass 'cause I like to end a lot
of my classes by saying that because it was such an effective
thing for me, like being told that I wasn't too much such a.

(33:41):
Common thing for women to hear. Yes, and I'm I'm enough.
I'm enough to be here. I'm enough.
I'm smart enough. I'm cute enough.
I'm. Yeah.
All the things that we're told we're not and so we can't be
places. Yeah.
And but that that framing that you just stated of like, I would

(34:02):
never say that to a friend. That was a huge, again, pivot
for me in my life. It was like looking at myself
and being like old Toyota would have been like, God, you're just
so chubby. Yeah.
And in the right place at the right time.
I heard that. Like, would you ever say that to
a friend? And so for a long time, when I

(34:23):
was trying to reprogram my brain, it was any time I saw
myself, my reflection, and I hada bad thought, I had to replace
it with a positive. I love that.
Like in the moment. Like in the moment I had to look
at myself and say great. Find something you like.
Here's something else. And slowly, because look, I
mean, it's all gratitude, right?And of like, that's why they

(34:46):
call it gratitude practice. It's a practice, right?
And the more you flex it, the stronger it gets.
Same with how you speak to yourself.
Yeah. It's like, I'm kick ass.
Yes. And I should live everyone or,
you know, I everyone around me, all my people who I trust in my
life are like, Tory, your kick ass.
So why am I not believing that? Yeah.

(35:08):
Like, what do I have to hear to believe that?
And I had a great conversation with another listener, Miss
Heidi, and she we were talking about, we were talking about
that, that it's like so often inlife, we look outside ourselves
to find love, to find acceptance, to find all of those

(35:28):
things, all the. External.
Validation. We're waiting for other people
to fill the cup when it's reallylike you're the only person that
can. Because if you can't even
actually, like, look at yourselfand say something really
positive, then somebody's sayingthat you ain't gonna fucking do
a thing. Yeah, 'cause it's gonna hit the
wall of no. That's not real.
It has to start with you. Yeah, but that's such a hard, I

(35:49):
mean, that's such a hard lesson.Oh, I mean, I don't think I even
like understood how to embody that lesson until I was in my
30s. Yes.
Like like. I'd say even mid 30s.
For yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I had to get over like, I
mean the perfectionism and like the internal monologue of of
always. I should have known better.

(36:12):
Man really does a number to justlike yourself worth and how you
position yourself in the world and among other people.
And also like culturally, we just are.
So we have been taught and shownthrough the news and the media
and the magazines on the news stand and the nightly news and
the talk shows and like everything is rooted in gossip

(36:33):
and judgement. And it is astonishing to me
because everything's for shock value, right?
And now everything's for clicks.And so it's like the more
shocking you can be with what you say, the more clicks you're
going to get. The more clicks you get, the
more ads get viewed, the more ads give you, the more money you
make. And so it's all about money,
right? But it's like using shock value
to make money is what our modernmedia strategy is.

(36:57):
And so when you are constantly exposed to that.
And like, for me, growing up andseeing the People magazines and
the US weeklies where they have like a picture of a celebrity
with no makeup on who went to the grocery store in baggy
sweats and her Birkenstocks and my everyday, God forbid.
Yeah, exactly. Just what I've worn since I was

(37:18):
5. And God forbid she's like, I
don't know, not training 17 times a day.
So like maybe she has a normal person body and not like, you
know, a, a Hollywood film body. Yeah, and and immediately it's
like giant headlines ripping herapart and and men too.

(37:39):
But I would say that the attacksare.
Majority has. Been merrily focused on women
and that's what we grew up seeing everywhere and that's
what we grew up hearing. And that's like those were like
discussion topics for talk shows.
We're just talk about people's bodies and talk about people's
choices and judge people for notliving life the way that we live
our lives, which is so mind blowing to me because what Can

(38:05):
you imagine a world where we alldid exactly the same thing and
we're all exactly the same people.
First of all, it be horrible. And also like, we wouldn't, we
wouldn't have an economy, like we wouldn't function, we
wouldn't have growth as humans. It would just be Birkenstocks
driving in the sweatpant companydriving because we don't really.
Champion sweatpants. That that fucking woman going to

(38:26):
the grocery store is the most comfortable way for her to live.
Yeah, it ain't stilettos, let metell you.
No, never. Never.
Right, it's not. But like we, we do not live in a
culture where we should just mind our own fucking business.
We live in a culture where we are told that it is our place to
judge other people for their choices.
Every time there's like a celebrity scandal in the news,

(38:48):
we think it's any of our business.
It's insane. But it's also, it's also that if
you are, if you do show radical self love, yeah, if you are like
I am the tits bananas, yeah, tits bananas.
I am the tits bananas. And I believe that people are
like, yeah, you're ostracized for it.

(39:09):
You're egotistical. Yeah, you're.
And so there's like. Well, let your head show me how.
To fucking win then, friend. Because like I, I'm judged here
and I'm judged here. I'm judged if I believe in
myself and I'm judged if I don'tbelieve in myself.
And so pick Elaine, Kev, you know, come on, Kev.

(39:30):
I don't know who's Kevin, but like he's always there.
It's always Kevin's fault, always Kevin's fault.
God, Kevin, but I but so that that's that radical self love is
a way of like sticking it to theman, essentially.
Yeah. And also, like, just the minute

(39:51):
you stop concerning yourself with the lives of other people,
Yeah, the amount of, like, healing that happens for you
immediately is really. Astonishing like life changing.
I think growing up that I, I, I said I didn't care.
Like I think back in because I was like, did I really give a

(40:13):
shit? I said out loud I didn't give a
shit of what people thought about me.
Yeah, and I think probably 85 ofthat is percent is real.
Like I never acted to get likes.I can't.
I mean I but but I can't like. I can't remember a time.

(40:34):
But I also am like but that can't be real because that can't
be real. Like there has to be.
Well, because so much, so much is rooted in that, right?
Like it was like wanting to havea certain kind of physical
appearance, wanting to have a certain.
Right mind. Mind manifested in a different
way Yeah. Where, you know, I think about
like high school Tori and I was watching other girls do things

(40:56):
to get attention and or blah, blah, blah, whatever that means
for them, right? And I never really did that, but
I do. I'm like, now I'm intrigued on
how it manifested because then it's like it had to go
somewhere. Yeah, if it wasn't that, what
was it? It had to be somewhere because,
or maybe I was just so mean because I did care.

(41:17):
I think that's maybe where it is.
It's like I cared. I didn't want to let anybody in
to see, like, the real Tori, thesoft side of Tori.
Yeah, because she was going to get judged.
But if I'm mean to, I'm like, sowho cares?
Yeah. You don't want to be my friend,
all right? Yeah, fine.
Which I still I believe that I was like, if you, that's why Pat
has been so magical in my life. He was like, you're showing me

(41:39):
all your ugly. When we first started dating, I
was like, I'm going to show you all my ugly.
And I lay it out every. Closet I got you going to see
the deep corners of it then. So I was like, but he stuck
around. He was just like, that still
doesn't scare me. And that's why I yeah, he's he's

(42:05):
a magical human being who, you know, deserves all the respect
of for the rest of my life because he and as a lady, we
just keep changing. So he's got to like buckle up
for the long run because it's like what Tori is coming out
today. Wouldn't you like to know?
I'm a surprise. I'm not going to tell you or
something. Who do you in the face with it?

(42:26):
Until she's full of Rudge. I got it.
Anyway, I don't know if any of that made sense, but.
Oh it made so much sense, but where do you think it came from
for you? The negative self talk?
The the being mean to yourself. The being mean to.
Myself. What was the Yeah.
What do you think your influences were?

(42:47):
I don't. I mean, honestly, I don't, I
can't tell who that is out there, but.
Little toddlers out toddlers scatting.
Are they scatting? Yeah, somebody's B bop.
There's a bop here. I I just wanted to feel, I
always wanted to feel powerful. I feel like that's what I so I

(43:10):
found stuff that I was good at and so I just stayed deeply
rooted in those places. Like I'm just, I'm stuck in high
school Tori, like that's where I'm that's what I'm thinking
about. I was like, what did I do in
high school? Because I feel like high school
is really, really the I think that's where all the yuck really
happens. Maybe it's middle school.

(43:31):
I don't know. I don't know.
I I don't know. What is?
What is your negative self talk or being mean to yourself?
What is your version of that? It all has to do with physical
stuff. Like it's, it is, that is.
And I can't tell you where that started because that hasn't been

(43:51):
my whole life. I think it started probably when
I got into yoga. Like really.
Yeah, if I, if I like really. Because I'm trying to think
about like early 20s Tori. And during college I didn't
really care, right? I was just like the funny fat
gal, right? And I'm not fat, but like I'm

(44:13):
short and curvy and you're short, short and curvy.
So like you're just put in a funny fat friend era or zone.
And so which I was fine with 'cause I was like, OK.
I mean, those are always the most fun.
They're the most. Fun to play and so like hell
yeah. You know, I got to play like
Maisie and from Seussical and like I got to play all the

(44:34):
villains and like the mean gals and I was like that's actually
way more fun than the ingenues, cause and the ingenue I've
played is still like the darkestingenues.
So I, you know, and I, you know,even when I was like fucking
from Wild Party Queenie, like she's the ingenue.
Yeah, but. Not really.
Wild party is. Wild party is weird, but you

(44:57):
know, and I just always play thedark characters, which I'm also,
you know, I love. So I didn't physically think
that that had to change. But then I went to a school,
gained a lot of weight because Iwas miserable mentally, and then
came back and was like, I'm going to get in the best shape

(45:17):
ever. And I think that's where like it
started. And then the goals kept
changing, right? It was never like I could never
be satisfied with what I looked like.
Yeah. Did you?
OK, so you gained you gained weight when you were in college.

(45:38):
Yeah. And then you moved home and
that's when you decided you weregoing to get in the best shape
ever. Yeah, I had gone to SOU Southern
Oregon University between the Amdus.
So AMDA Conservatory Ashland OR Ashland OR God love them, is
such cute place. Such a cute place.

(45:59):
The most crunchy just I love. It but beautiful art being made.
But yeah, I lived in a dorm by myself and was I didn't have a
lot of friends 'cause I was likethe 21 year old sleeping in the
18 year old Christian dorm. What was I doing there?
How did I like I drew the short straw or there I was like this

(46:23):
sucks. And so I sat in my room and
like, had a whole sourdough dipped in Italian dressing,
sourdough loaf and then whipped cream can.
I'll eat that whole thing. Just spray it.
Just spray it. Wait.
Oh, you didn't Nuts straight into the mouth, into the hand.
1st I didn't trust it. I was like I was like I'm gonna

(46:43):
choke and die alone in the Christian dorm so no thank you.
There are gonna. Be a bunch of children around,
Oh my God, cannot resuscitate you.
Throw water on her, give her theholy water.
I'm like she's. Possessed.
Yeah, and so, but so I and then I was with the theater crowd, so
I drank, you know, and I was 21,so, you know.

(47:05):
So you could. And so I could and without
having to go to the. Blarney Stone in Times Square.
Which man? When I lived in New York, I
never did that. Oh my God, I feel like we went
to the blarney stone before I was 21.
I also I was like a year older than most people in my class.
But also I feel like we went to the Blarney Stone like maybe
twice and I was like wow, I really hate this.

(47:25):
Yeah, well, I went there once. I went there once, once I was
21, I went back to like visit and people were like, let's go.
And I was like, I've never I heard about it when I was at
AMDA. Like all the kids were like,
they don't even card. And I was like, OK.
And everyone goes there to get Long Island ice teas.
And Long Island. So I was like, let's go for the
experience. I was like, this is this ain't
it, kid, ain't it? No.
So I, yeah, but I'm trying to think, you know, I, yeah, I and

(47:52):
then I came home, yes. I came home and was like, I
can't go back to a dance. I can't go back and do like full
dance classes weighing what I weigh.
Was there like a trigger? Was there like a catalyst that
made you realize that or made you decide to change?
Like, was there a clear moment that you remember?

(48:13):
I can't blame it on this, but I do remember it OK when my my
brother and my mother came to see me and you're in town when I
was at SOU and they saw me and I, I mean, I was like 170 like I
was Hardy. Hard.
And their faces of like oh, because this was like before

(48:35):
sending photos all the. Time they hadn't seen you.
And they hadn't seen me. And so there was just like, oh,
hey, hey girl, you OK? You're like, no, no, I'm not
Ashland. Oregon with a bunch of thespians
and a bunch of 18 year old Christians and like, what am I
doing here? And so it was like, I remember

(48:57):
having that conversation of like, and I think they were
being supportive, right? Being supportive.
But man, no, this thing I'm learning about parenting,
doesn't matter how supportive itis in your head, that child's
going to take it. However they are going to take
it. I think about that every time I
speak to my children. I'm like, I mean this with the

(49:18):
best intentions. Please don't talk about this
with your therapist. Like don't let this be the
moment that I fuck you up. I think about that probably was
today. There have been there have been
moments where, I mean, I I have so much appreciation for the
kind of relationship that Rosen and I have because our
communication is so strong. But there have been moments

(49:40):
where she has talked about something that I've said to her
in the past that she had interpreted differently than how
I intended it and just had held on to that for so long.
And then when and then we finally talked about it, I'm
like, oh, my God, that's not at all what I meant.
Like, here's what I meant. Yeah.
But it's just like the things, the the stories that we tell
ourselves based on what we hear.Because yeah, I don't think

(50:02):
that. I mean, I think weight's always
kind of just been in the air because like I said, before I
was on steroids, I was on Prednisone.
Prednisone that you're on Prednisone for 5-7 days at Max.
Yeah, I was on it for three years.
You're straight every single day.
Yeah, that's how bad my asthma was.

(50:23):
Was like I was supposed to be like a bubble person.
Oh my God. Yeah, legit a bubble baby.
They they were like, hey parents, she's allergic to
everything. She has really bad asthma.
You're in the hospital like 4 * a year at least for like stays,
right? Like my parents always joke.

(50:44):
They're like, oh, we paid for the carpet at the in the
children's up in Seattle. I hope they've replaced it since
then, but I so yeah, I was supposed to be 5 seven, like I
was supposed to be a normal height, but I took it I think
from like, I don't know, I thinkit had to be like 7 to 9.

(51:10):
That's so upsetting. Which is, I mean, that's like
when you're doing all the big growing.
Yeah, right. That's so upsetting there.
And so, like, I stopped growing.I haven't haven't grown since
like 4th or 5th grade. And so, you know, so it's always
been around. I like remember.
And when you're on Prednisone, you look like you're the like a

(51:30):
Michelin man. You look like you're the state
puff. Yeah.
And so I see, I've seen pictures.
My I mean, God bless my mother, man.
She did the most as a mom. I get emotional about it because
she would like take me to. I was out of the hospital and
she took me to like glamour shots.

(51:52):
We still have the photos and they're so stupid.
I want to see. I want to see.
They're hanging up in. My parents house they're because
I was like, oh God, I like I hadmy dad's like I has I had like
his jacket and his they. Loved a popped collar at Glamour
Shot. Oh yeah, glamour shots.

(52:12):
I remember like I wanted like Jasmine jam jammies and so they
bought me like it's like a full like onesie like the the
nightgown, like the nightgown thing.
Remember, it was like made of. Polyester or.
Something like very. Flammable just like yeah, you
just light on fire. It's just like on your body
full, you know, part of somebodyelse's world 100%.
Like it was like it could have been really bad and probably

(52:32):
horrible on my eczema cause Oh yeah, by the way, I have eczema
all over my body. Polyester and eczema, what a
cute combo. Yeah, but she like, but they
would do their best to try to like bolster me up and like make
me I feel really beautiful. It's also why I was in pageants,
by the way I was in pageants. I don't know if I ever.
Told me that oh oh, do we have things to talk about?
I had to go to finishing school.Yes, Oh yes.

(52:55):
Is that where it started for you?
The. Negative self Tom Nuggets.
Oh fuck yeah, When I learned that my tomboyness was not
desirable and I had to learn howto be a lady instead and walk
properly and stand properly and pose properly and but this isn't

(53:17):
about me, this is about you. No, it can be.
It should be. You're also part of this
podcast. Yeah, finishing school.
It's called Cinderella School ofModeling.
Stop. I won't that night.
I shan't. I shan't.
Yeah, I had to learn to be lady.So I think our moms took very
different approaches. Very different because like when
I got into I, they put me in pageants to like, make me feel

(53:40):
really beautiful. I got to like Jon Benet Ramsay,
the shit out of that. Like cute little dresses.
My dad was like in his all whites in the Navy, his Navy
whites. Like to come to your shows?
Well, because part of it or. Was he in your show?
No, he had to like be part of it.
He had to be part of it. Get out of here.
So I had to be so little. I was like 5 like four or five.

(54:03):
Like I I was an itty itty bitty.Are there VH s s of this
somewhere? I don't think so.
I don't think so. We calling your mother as soon
as this is over. I need to know we do have
photos. Somebody had a giant camcorder
sitting on their shoulder recorded No.
Les is not about that, but she but there are photos and I'll
have to find them to post on thethe gram, which you should

(54:24):
follow our Instagram. By the way, it's nothing that's
everything pod and but you had to walk across.
So my dad had to stand on the hewas like receiving me on the
other side. So you the little girl had to
walk up middle of the stage. It's in one of those big ass
fucking ballrooms, like airport ballroom.
So many people, hundreds of people, and all I had to do was

(54:46):
walk in my beautiful dress to the center stage in the
microphone and say my name is Victoria Sparrow and I'm from
Auburn, WA. And then walk off and my dad,
who's in his dress whites standing there.
I literally walk up to the microphone and I leave such.

(55:07):
A Turing move too. Fuck you, you don't get to know
my name. You don't deserve my name.
Friends. Goodbye.
Leaving wanting more. You know, that's right.
My motto knows my motto at sevenor six or five or whatever age I
was. And you know, my, my mom was
like, well, you know, we'll get them next time.

(55:29):
I did not win. I went back as a 13 year old, I
believe, and I won. Miss Washington, Junior
Washington. Miss Junior Washington.
Miss Junior Washington, you're staring at her, but this is
where my mother was also just, like, let your freak flag fly.
She was like Tori, you know, thetalent portion.
Yeah. And of course, I, I sang and I

(55:52):
and I did real great there. But there was also a section
where you have to like, show your outfit.
Yes. Right.
Yeah. And everybody's wearing like,
fucking pink, like suits, right?Suit or like dress pants or. 90s
It was the era of the pants suit.
Uh huh, uh huh. The pants suit and but they were
like pink. There was some dresses right

(56:12):
there was I wore I am not joking, cargo pants stop like a
frilly top, a jester hat that was the left hand turn and like
a Walkman, like I had a Walkman around like the in my my cargo
pant and I rapped. I was like, my name is Tori and

(56:34):
I'm here to say I wear cargoes every day.
Stop it. And I fucking won because my mom
was like there. It's going to stand out to her.
Had better. No, there's nothing I don't
believe other than I don't believe.
You for a second, I don't. Think so and.
I'm finding it. I'm coming to your parents
house. It was.
And yeah, so I I took Miss Junior Washington and I was hurt

(56:56):
for a year. I didn't do any of the things I
was supposed to do. Oh yeah, I.
Also like no marketing. Service and volunteer work and.
Stuff, I don't think I did any of that.
And that was the last one. I was like, I've got I'm going
out on top. This is it because also I did
not look and I knew that right. Like I looked around and I was
like I had like a snaggle tooth.You know it was before brace.

(57:19):
Your braces. And I had definitely a shark
tooth, yeah, that they had to pull.
And so I had like, legit snaggleteeth.
And so she's just like, and I still won, which is hilarious.
Very Washington, though. Yeah, very.
Yeah. They're like, give it to that
girl. She's a weirdo, you know, and
it's a weirdo give. It to the weirdo.
I imagine you you one of the sticks from the Saturday market.

(57:40):
We had them don't even play. Oh my God, what are they called?
Oh. My God, juggling sticks.
Yeah, I had them. The worst you did was good.
At Did you wear your gesture hatand your carzo pins?
And I, well, flip it, yeah. Yeah, Oh my God.
Would you like do it with one arm behind your back?
Like butt butt butt. Oh, I got to have a recovered

(58:01):
memory 'cause we went on like a ferry.
My mom, my grandmother and my grandfather and I went on a
random Alaska tour. Sure.
And in like Sitka, Alaska, they had these like gesture.
I wasn't even into gestures. By the way, Are you sure about
that I. Feel like you.
No, I was just, I'm a clown. This was just the start of my
clown. There might be some suppressed

(58:22):
desires in there that we need tounearth.
Just like, yeah, let that freak fly, fly.
And I was like giving them sticks, the sticks.
And there was another, there's another like hand thing that I
was really good at. I'm trying to think about but I
love to twirl. The baton?
Is it the yo-yo thing on the string with the hand?
Oh no. But that was cool.
Yeah. Recovered memory, 100% that I

(58:44):
had those juggling sticks and I was dope.
I was dope at it. Dope, It's so dope bro.
So dope bro. Sick dope.
Yeah, what a time. I mean, So I mean, but my
parents like really leaned into like letting me be the weirdo.
I love that. So I didn't have like and that's
why where it's hard for me to recall negative self talk about

(59:05):
like how I handled things. I was told I was mean and I was
told I was a lot. I was told to, you know, I mean,
really it's the IT was the mean,the meanness.
But to be fair, to play devil's advocate.
I was. You know, and they but also to
call out my mom. She, like, gave me space to be

(59:25):
mean and did her best to, like, wrap it, keep it, keep it from
scorched, literal scorched earth.
Yeah. Because I was like, why don't I
have any friends? I was at some point in my life,
I was like, why do I have any friends?
She's like, you walk around witha big fuck off on your face.
And I was like, what? I'm not trying to.
Well, that's how I. Feel but I don't want friends

(59:46):
but I. Still want friends, which the
other saying is hold me, don't touch me.
Yeah. Which is awesome.
Yeah. It's like, hold me but do not
touch me. Yeah.
And it's like, well, that's a lose, lose for me.
I'm like, figure it out. Yeah.
Like I don't care. That's on you to figure out.
So that's how I feel you figure.It out Yeah, that sounds like a
you problem Yeah, but I need you.

(01:00:06):
It's AYP but but back up, you know.
And so, yeah. I need you, but give me space.
Wow, we're really going down theTory rabbit hole right now.
I love it. So, so yeah, when I got older
and like realized that my body didn't look like others, then it
was like, how do I change that? How do I morph that?
And then I found CrossFit and the reason I love CrossFit so

(01:00:28):
much, and I was firmly against CrossFit.
I was like it will break you. I mean, it will if you don't
have the right coaches and the. Right coach.
A coach really matters and the right programming and when I
started it was I had great coaches.
Even now I have great coaches, but it but why I liked it is

(01:00:49):
made me feel beyond powerful. Yeah, yes, not just strong.
It made me feel powerful. And so I was like, OK.
And with the right coaches because knowing the body the way
that I do with all my background, I was like, we get a
lot of people who are hurt from CrossFit.
And so all I heard was that it was horrible.
And I was like, those people look crazy.
Yeah. I mean, there's a lot of bad

(01:01:10):
CrossFit out. There and there's a lot of bad,
There is a lot. There's a lot of bad yoga,
there's a lot of bad gyms. There's a lot about everything,
right? And so, yeah, finding the
community that that is supportive in a healthy way, but
also coaches who know something.Yeah, right.
And not just about the movements.
I mean like or amrap or just amrap?

(01:01:31):
Just AMRAP. Until you die, if you don't
throw up, you're not doing it right.
I'm like, I don't have time for that.
No, that's. Dumb.
No. So I think that that all of
those things matter and luckily I found a place I would do that,
but also had no problem being like that's stupid.
And I'm not, I'm not doing that,Yeah.
And I don't have the ego that everybody else has to say I'm

(01:01:54):
gonna push through. Sometimes I do, and I've hurt
myself doing that right. But that's where it's like, OK,
lesson learned. I yeah, I but that's why I love
CrossFit. But that's where the mental, it
really started to shift mentallylike being smaller started to
the reprogramming started there,even though there's some real

(01:02:17):
unhealthy shenanigans everywhere, everywhere,
everywhere. And then CrossFit, like there,
there's still some unhealthy shenanigans.
Oh yeah. But if you look for the right
people, it's like thick is good,be strong.
Yes. Be strong, protect your body.
Yeah, like this is where the bone density, the muscle mass,

(01:02:37):
the functional fitness really does, you know?
So important. It's so.
It's so important. It's so.
Importante. But that's where the repro and
after pregnancy, I was like the first one, I was like, I'm going
to bounce back and did I did theshenanigans the first time.
And then the second time I was like, I cannot do that again.
I can't do it. No, it just is.

(01:02:59):
And because the only person I'm being mean to is yourself.
Yeah. Like, and if I and if and that's
where I found that saying of like, would you ever say that to
your friend? And so I would like look at my
look at myself and be like, you are my best friend.
At the end of the day, on the deathbed, you're the only person
that's going to be there. Yes, and that is and but that is

(01:03:21):
a choice, right? Like you have to choose every
day. Am I my best friend or am I my
worst enemy? And then how am I going to treat
myself because of that? And you can't talk yourself into
the body. You can't hate yourself into the
body that you want. Yeah.
Like there's just, and that was it.
Like even even now, like wearingshorts, right?
I'm like, I hated my legs growing up.

(01:03:43):
I hate them so much. I would never wear shorts.
Forget about it. And like cargo, it was all neat
because it was like my legs did not look like anybody else's
legs. And so I was ashamed of my legs.
And like older Tori now is like,those are the fucking legs you
got babe. Yeah, and they're.
Strong. And they're really strong.

(01:04:05):
And so sure, I have moments of self consciousness, like where
I'll get self-conscious, then I'll catch myself and I do the
thing, be like, yeah, but where's the good?
Yeah, right. Cellulite be be damned.
Right, that just means your body's hydrated.
Yay. Hydrated all the time, all the
time, all the time. And I think doing that like

(01:04:26):
wearing the bike short cuz the bike short.
I have bike shirts on right now like they're my God.
Like it was a little bit of healing, little Tory.
I was like, look at you. You did it.
You did it, you're doing it. And.
Look at that strong ass body that also, by the way, made
other humans. Yeah.
And it's hot. Like it also, like the only

(01:04:47):
person that needs to be like turned on by me is Pat.
And it is, he is. He's probably.
Solved and. Me, right.
Yeah, like that's also part alsopart of it is like you have to
turn yourself on. Yes.
We haven't even talked about sexy stuff on here.
Oh my God. But.
We're gonna. We're.
Gonna attractions, yeah, I'm sure.
I mean. Dive into it.

(01:05:08):
Dive into it. I'm sure we will talk about it
and but that it's like you have to you have to turn yourself on.
Yes, yeah, yes. And then?
Because also like the energy that can come out of you when
you're able to look at yourself in the mirror and be like, fuck
yes. And I will, yeah.

(01:05:28):
I will because you choose to. Yeah, you really have to.
It really has to be a choice. There is no like magically
waking up one day and being likedamn girl, you look good.
There is no like dieting your way into exercising your way
into It is like a full holistic mindset shift in approach.
Like deep. Reprogramming, deep
reprogramming, like to the fibers of your muscles.

(01:05:51):
Yeah, I think, I think that's every time there's, you know, if
we want to bring yoga into it, it's like the sheaths, the onion
layers of what we are and like pulling back the sheath and be
like what nasty lives under here, Cool, let's clean it out.
Let's look at it. And I think about that.
The reprogramming is like pulling back the sheaths of who
we are as as people and being like, I don't like that.

(01:06:14):
Yeah. And so I feel.
Good. That doesn't feel good.
So it's and it's the only personthat can save me from that is
me. Yeah, I'm the only person that
can do that. Yeah, there is no outside
influence. There is no man I remember who
I'm not. I there's no way I'm gonna
remember who it was. Somebody, somebody in your life,
Somebody no like somebody in in our modern pop culture, somebody

(01:06:38):
who's, I don't know, famous on Instagram or something, just
talking about external validation and how like, it does
not matter how much somebody else loves you.
You can have the most loving, most devoted, most adoring,
most, you know, like not idolizing.
Why it doesn't matter. You can have the most wonderful

(01:06:58):
partner, right? You can be in a relationship
with the most wonderful person who thinks the world of you.
It doesn't matter if you don't feel that way about yourself and
that and you and I remember hearing that for the first time
and and like, first of all, thatreframed the way that I looked
at relationships. Guess, I guess this was before

(01:07:19):
Instagram. I don't know.
It was somewhere. It was, someone somewhere said.
Brain is firing hard right now. People, people.
But I just remember that that like, that moment, it was like a
light bulb in my brain where I was like, well, like, I wanted
to argue with it, right? Like, yeah, but how?
But but you have to, other people have to love you in order
for you to feel loved. And that's entirely untrue.

(01:07:40):
No. That's entirely untrue.
It doesn't matter. I could have nobody else in my
life. Yeah, but if I love myself then
I will be enough. One, because those people want
to be around those people who dothat, right?
Yeah, it's a law of attraction, right?
What kind of people do you want in your life?
Do you want people that say horrible things to you like you
say to? Yourself, you say to yourself.

(01:08:02):
Yeah. Or do you want people?
Who? I mean, right, That's The thing
is if a friend came up to you and was like, girl, you having a
chubby day? Yeah, how fast would that be
that person be out of your life?Yes, it might.
Be like, they're not even gonna finish that sentence and I've
broken a leg. If somebody came up to me and
said get the fuck out of bed, I'd be like, you can you get?
The fuck out of bed I get. The fuck out of my face.

(01:08:22):
Yeah, and make it too, Yeah. Make my bed.
Yeah. Trash bag.
Trash bag. Yeah, so like, why are we
talking? And yeah, don't that horribly to
ourselves with a friend that's always with us.
Yeah, parenting too is like a major reframe because how I
perceive myself and how I talk to myself is how I'm teaching my
children to perceive themselves and talk about themselves.
And growing up with parents who were obsessed with physique and

(01:08:45):
obsessed with body type and obsessed with diet culture and
parents with disordered eating habits and disordered exercise
habits, I learned very quickly what gave you value physically
as a human. And I don't want to pass that on
to my children. And I want my children to know

(01:09:07):
when they go back into those environments and get exposed to
those same people with those same mentalities, that they are
allowed to think and feel differently.
Yes, Yikes, Yikes, Yikes. And also, like parents, come on,
love yourselves, you're great. Your body, Your body shape

(01:09:27):
doesn't matter. Yeah, it really doesn't.
You know what does matter? Your health.
I think reframing it that way too also helped me instead of
like what it looked like. How did it feel?
Yeah, right. How do you feel?
And I love data collection, right.
I, I have no problem doing data collection of like, yeah, we're

(01:09:50):
going to like cut this out or we're going to do that.
Like, how does it affect my body?
How does it affect my performance?
I don't mind doing that. But like, at the end of the day,
we're not supposed to be on likea calorie deficit for the rest
of our. Lives, I mean.
We're not supposed to. In fact, it's bad for you.
So bad for you, it's so. Bad.
But we have been taught that that's just what it is, right?

(01:10:10):
And I mean, even up until, I don't know, three years ago,
Tori, I thought that's just. Can you imagine living I mean
you it is not possible. I mean it is possible to live in
a calorie deficit forever, but like you are, but you will never
optimize any. I even hate using that word
because that word has been like,be to death.

(01:10:30):
Yeah, but but you will never, you won't be healthy and you
won't, like, you won't enjoy your life if that is how you are
looking at the world constantly,forever and ever.
And also like, this is, you know, a different conversation.
But like, if the goal is to havea certain body type, setting

(01:10:51):
genetics aside, and you believe that the way to achieve that
body type is by dieting or restricting calories or whatever
words you want to put on it likethis, it always goes back to the
same thing. If diets worked, none of us
would need them. Nobody would be overweight if
diets worked. Diets don't work, calorie
restrictions don't work. And we know that because that's
the data collection, right? That has been proved out

(01:11:14):
globally for decades now. Diets don't work.
It is a it is a short term solution and but we try to take
it and make it a long term application.
And that's not it's, that's not what it's designed to be.
And we have just like made it this chronic like all, all like

(01:11:35):
fix a fix for everything. But like that's that just
doesn't it just it don't, it doesn't work.
It doesn't work. Can't hate yourself into the
body you want, right? Can't hate yourself into loving
yourself. No, and at the end of the day,
it doesn't. The body is just the vessel,
right? Yes, it's all about the

(01:11:56):
internal. And those layers are important
too, right? Like knowing, like, being able
to peel those layers back and belike, hey, Queen, why do you
talk to yourself this way? Let's get uncomfortable.
Yeah. And look at it and like feel our
way through it until you can heal that part of you or that
version of you, right, that pastversion of you where that.

(01:12:16):
There's the layer, that's the sheath.
Yeah, and she needs love too. And when you find a way to give
her love instead of feeling shame about her or trying to
hide her or sweep her under the rug.
If when you get to a point whereyou love her, then that also
leads to your own self love, self loving.
Yeah. As a whole, yeah.
Yeah, I remember when you said that you were like past

(01:12:38):
versions. I need love too.
I think that was very healing for me because I was like.
How that was in Mexico? Yeah.
You remember that conversation? And just that.
Conversation is like a a moment.It was a core memory, core
memory. It was a core memory, yeah.
And yeah. And just like and and never
knowing the the layers, like never under even understanding

(01:13:00):
the layers until you're there and you're like, what is that?
Yeah, right. Yeah, because if you feel
something negative about it, youalways just try to like push the
thought aside. You're.
Just like, well, that's past Tori's issue.
Yeah, right. And it's like or it could be
right now Tori's issue and because it's.
Still coming up? Yeah, because it's still coming
up. It's still coming up.
It's like what's happening rightnow of like, I feel like too

(01:13:21):
much. Yeah, a lot.
And I'm like, but am I like. And if I was sitting next to
Tori as her friend, like, would I say, yeah, baby, you might
want to dial it down? No, I'd be like, ratchet that
shit up. Girl, light it on fire.
Fire, light it on fire. Because if, if people can't
handle the magic that we bring, then they're not worth.

(01:13:43):
My magic? No, those aren't your people.
Your people are somewhere else, yes.
Find them in Mexico. Come on.
Let's go to Mexico. Do you have any?
Speaking of, do you have any rooms left open, beds left open,
or are we sold out? I think we have one.
Left OK, I have a friend. I need to tell I have a friend.
I got a friend. Hey listeners.

(01:14:04):
I'm saying it quietly. It's not for you guys.
I mean, it'd be great if you guys came, but.
Well, here's the thing, Hannah and I are going to do it until
we die because it is truly a life changing moment.
And that's one of those things where when you find stuff that
is meant for you, you, it's thatDharma, right?
It's like part of Dharma being what what is woven into who you

(01:14:28):
are, right? Hey, dog, dog.
Dog, I was going to literally texting Hannah.
That's to be like do we have any?
Do we have spots left? Oops.
OK Tori, I just sent an empty bubble.
That's. Figure it out.
Figure it out, Hannah. Hannah does though.

(01:14:51):
Man, Hannah shout out to Hannah too.
I don't think she listens to thebug I love.
Me some Hannah. I love me some Hannah.
Sure, she follows us, but maybe doesn't Leslie?
She busy with a baby. She's with a baby.
Anyway, you know what I think the point is of this episode?
I don't other than towards traumatic.

(01:15:13):
It's that you're never too much.And always enough.
Always. You are always enough, and
anybody who tells you otherwise doesn't deserve can kick rocks
to be in your presence. They can kick rocks, Yeah, and
then they can eat them. Oh, go eat a rock.
But also please like share comments.

(01:15:37):
Sharing is caring, oh, I hear. Little caring.
Yeah, little footsteps are coming, which means that we got
to wrap it up. So please, listeners and family.
I want to hear from people like what are what are the, what are
your, what are the your negativetalk tracks to yourself?
What is the what, what are you stuck on?

(01:15:57):
Yeah. What does it?
When does it come up? Yeah.
And what what comes up? And also, if you're doing that,
we'll shout you out. Yeah.
Be all in competition if you don't.
Want to be if you don't want to be shouted out, if you just want
it to be private or even anonymous, I want to know.
I want to hear from other peoplebecause I know we all do it.
Yeah, and talking about it, guysis a really great way to start

(01:16:18):
the process. And shine a light.
Just putting a voice to it. Yep, shine a light into the dark
spaces. You deserve more light in your
spaces. Your spaces need light, yeah.
Come. On come.
On. But anyway, thanks for being
here. Thanks for listening.
Thanks. Keep listening.
Do it and see you next Tuesday. Bye.

(01:16:43):
Oh yeah, bye.