E16 Every Choice Costs Something

In this week's #kthottake we dig into the tension between having the tools and having the time, and why every “yes” quietly says “no” to something else. No neat answers here, just honest talk about tradeoffs, priorities, and trying to do it all without losing it. It's not a breakdown, it's just life.

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Yeah, yeah, it feels right. close enough.
And that clap was so loud. I got it on yours and mine.
Oh damn. Girl.
She can. Clap, she clapping for Jesus.
I. Don't know what that means.
I've clapped for Jesus in my life.
Me too, yeah. Seems like a nice fella.
I've stepped, tapped for Jesus stepped, tapped.
I've stepped, tapped, clap for. Jesus, you know.

(00:23):
I have done many a paddle turn for.
I love there's some Christian rock that I truly do love.
Oh yeah, yeah, there's some. There's some bangers.
I did go to one of the concerts and I was like one of the music
festival Wait and Casting Crownsis the band.
Great music. I went with my mother-in-law,

(00:47):
'cause she loves God rock and and I was, but I was, but I was
like, I'm gonna do some case studies.
I'm gonna do some, some character studies here.
And man, did they live up to it.It was just a lot of hands in
the air. Always close or palms facing.
Up. Yeah, closed eyes, just like
swaying for Jesus, you know? I love the hand on the heart,

(01:08):
hand to this, palm to the sky. Yep.
And I was like, I yeah, you guysare real.
They don't, just like they're not in a movie that it's that's
real. And they're not.
They're like a, they're like a, a more contained version of like
the Southern Baptist. Yeah, yeah.

(01:29):
Nobody was like rising on the ground but.
Oh, I just meant like the hallelujahs, which is my
favorite way to sing about God, by the way.
Scream Hallelujah just like withwith fervor and power and
emotion, with gusto. Yeah, I would always rather sing
in one of those choirs. I just, you know, tend to not

(01:50):
look like the other people. So.
Which is fine. Which is fine.
But you know. God bless.
Hey guys, I'm. Tori.
Oh, hey, I'm Kimberly. And this is.
It's. Nothing.
It's everything. Have you ever been in a
Christian rock? Band have you?
Do you love God? Rock.
My brother was in a Christian rock band.

(02:11):
He had a Christian rock band until my nephew was born, and
then he had to, you know, get a,get a.
Get a real. Job.
I mean, to be fair, I loved singing.
I was in a Catholic school, so we did sing for church growing
up. We had for church.
Oh, man, I'm gonna my crap. I'm gonna not remember teen teen

(02:34):
life is what it was called. And it was like 4 teens, right?
And it was back in the day. Yeah.
The music was like rock music. Oh, you group.
Is like, yeah, they know, Yeah, they know how to get you.
Interested doesn't exist anymorebecause then they got some, you
know, I don't know, grumpy old white guy up there.
And he was like, I don't like that.
And that's not for Jesus. And I was like, I disagree,

(02:56):
Jesus. Jesus also had fun.
Yeah, yeah. And I, I loved it.
I thought it was, but I was there for the music and I always
wanted to sing in the band, which when I grew up, I was no
longer didn't go there, but I would come back and I would sing
for like stations, you know, Stations of the Cross.

(03:19):
And I love, I mean, it was just more nostalgic for nostalgia for
me. And but yeah, I mean, I there's
like some of that music is. So deep, yeah.
In my vocal cords that the second I can like harmonize with
all of it and the first woman who believed in me as a singer
came from from that she was playing for my mom knew her from

(03:45):
church or they were friends and but knew, you know, hung out at
church. Oh, my God, microphones.
And my mom was doing Beauty and the Beast for middle school.
And she's like, will you come play for auditions?
And she had us like singing groups.
And she was like, let's have youheard Tori sing?
And then I was like, yeah, yeah,yeah, yeah.

(04:06):
She's like, no, but have you like heard her sing?
And she's like, I mean, with theradio and up in her room.
Sure. And so this lady, like, took me,
her name is Patty. Her name is Patty.
And she, we lived close and I went to her house and she was
like, I really, she like taught me how to belt And she was like,

(04:27):
she was like, I need you. I want you to be louder.
Because I mean, as a, you know, I don't have a lot of lung
capacity. We also don't.
Learn in church choir. To sing loud, you like, sing I
didn't know what? Belty, lovely.
And. Yeah.
And so like, like an Angel. Yeah.
Well, and she didn't even know that.
She just heard me in this littlegroup.
Yeah. Singing, you know, 6X right,

(04:50):
just like all the things, the beauty from beauty and the beast
and she, but she like really listened to my intonation or
something. I don't know something about it.
And she was just like, can I, can you like come over and work
with me? And I said sure.
And so then I auditioned for my mom.
Amazing. And I landed Belle as a 6th
grader. Excuse me, the 8th graders were.

(05:10):
Of course, and they probably thought it was.
Nepotism. Oh, of course everybody did.
And then but then they heard me say and they're like, oh, all
right, well, she's OK. Yeah, she's she can do it.
She can do it. But singing is also where why my
asthma is better. Singing and working out.
Yeah. My asthma social is like,
probably, probably, probably youhave stronger lungs because you

(05:33):
and I can control my lungs. Yeah.
Very. Well, I don't know if it's a
chicken or an egg situation, butI can do it, sure.
Anyway, I don't know how we got here.
Working out that diaphragm, you know I was.
God Rock. God rock my brothers band all
the way. Wait, there is a thought.
I love deep in the depths. I have to find this so I don't

(05:54):
it's. Probably.
Oh my God, all the way. You better.
All the way there is this great band photo.
It's like the it's exactly what you would think.
It's like ripped jeans and a white T-shirt with like a like a
longer hair jacket over it. Yeah.
He's got like, shaggy curly hairand like skater shoes.
And they're like posing in a staircase.
And he's like leaning against the railing on one side, but

(06:15):
like has his foot up on the other side.
And he's just like casual, like looking off into the middle
distance. And he has the middle distance.
He has these sideburns, yeah, like side hella sideburns and
then like a full goatee. But no.
Was he 13? But no.
But no mustache. Early early 20s.

(06:37):
Wow. Yeah, Well, yeah, Holloway.
Holloway, they were on Spotify. They were good.
They had a little moment and then you know.
And then and then God said Nah and.
Then God said, here's a little, yeah, here's a tiny little
ginger baby for you to be in charge of inside.
Oh, I love that. That's better.
Yeah, it is better. Anyway, well, welcome to welcome

(07:00):
to today is a KT hot take KT. Hot take.
Or we just can do that forever. Probably, most likely we don't
have the bandwidth for much more.
No, no, just like low hanging fruit path of least resistance.
We did that once, so now we do it forever.
Yep, the O GS will get it though.

(07:22):
They will. Yeah, and the new GS.
The new GS, the new GS, they'll just be like, that's weird, but
OK, well, listen anyway, we can send in stuff.
Yes you can. They'll hear that everything's
weird. Yeah, send out your stuff, I can
use your bits. Hot take is questions that have
come from our community, from people who listen.

(07:43):
They've either sent it on our Instagram, which is it's
nothing, it's everything pod. They've sent emails, it's
nothing, it's [e-mail].
They have sent texts, they have talked to us in person and
they've DM D us. Yeah, they've sent us a lot of
questions that they would like us to tackle.
Which by the way, guys, I know that a couple of you, 2 of you

(08:05):
in particular, have been asking about the KT hot takes.
We do have like a, you know, we have a backlog.
I'm not going to lie. We we've got some.
So if we haven't gotten to yours, I promise we will.
I promise we will. It's going to happen.
It's going to come one of these days.
We will get there. But don't let that discourage
you from sending more 'cause youknow, if we get enough, maybe
we'll just do episodes more frequently.

(08:25):
I don't know. Yeah.
So, yeah. So, so this one is from.
Who's this one from? This is from Sasha.
This is from Sasha. Hey, Queen.
Hey Sasha, Sasha says a pod topic idea tools.
You have a finite amount of timeslash energy, and if you're
giving it out for free, someone or something you love somewhere

(08:48):
is losing. And boy howdy boy.
Boy howdy howdy, that's my drag name.
Welcome to speech. Boy howdy, pushed me on a little
tricycle. With a like a giant cowboy hat.
Yeah, gotta make it funny somehow.
And what do you call them? Assless chaps.
Assless chaps. Yeah, yeah, yeah, obviously.

(09:10):
Yeah. Anyway.
Anyway, boy howdy, this is, that's a good one.
That's a big one that I feel like so many life lessons both
lead to and come from that concept of your exchange of time
and energy out into the world, which really then is also like

(09:32):
boundaries and priorities like I.
Didn't know what a boundary was until this topic honestly.
Like until this became implemented into your life.
Until I was like, I had like, I think it was kids that really
knocked it off because I was just like, I could make
everything work. Yeah.
And then when I couldn't make anything work, I was like, what,

(09:56):
how do I and or yeah, yeah, hereare some somebody said something
about boundaries. I was like, that word is
interesting. Let me dive deeper into that.
What language is that that you speak?
What? Who was that benefiting?
Oh, me, yeah. So, yeah, I didn't like I until
kids, I, I didn't know what really boundaries were.

(10:17):
And now I love them. Boundaries are the best.
Boundaries are the best and looking back at the pre boundary
life aren't you like oh girl letme help you or is that just me?
Well, I think it just had low stakes.
It like none of my none of my boundaries before.
I don't think any of it was detrimental without without

(10:40):
because all the negatives gave me lessons.
Yes, yes, absolutely to set stronger, healthier boundaries.
Now I would not have that tool unless I I saw the shenanigans
that Tori was going down becauseI'm a yes Ander.
Yeah, well, see, and that has been my detriment too, as being
a yes Ander because I didn't have boundaries around important
things like my health. Forget about it.

(11:03):
Minor details like I would stilljust yes everything and run
myself ragged. Yep.
And they'd be like why do I havedark circles under my eyes?
Why am I blacking out every timeI have my period?
What? Like what is a dream like?
My body is screaming at the top of its lungs, and I'm like, what
else can I add to my calendar? This sounds great.

(11:24):
No boundaries. Yeah, no regard for important
things, just yes and yes. And because Yolo right?
Like I just wanted to experienceevery fucking thing and now I'm
like I'm good not experiencing something.
Well, and if I, if I had relationships that drained me, I
was just like, that's probably better.
I'm probably, you know, learningfrom that.
Or yeah, it's fine. It's fine.
It's fine that there's people who are just taking, taking,

(11:46):
taking from me and not forgivinganything back.
Yeah, that's normal. Part of growing up.
No, didn't have to be. It's not.
It's not. It doesn't have to be.
It doesn't have to be. Yeah, because that's the
exchange, right? Every single thing that you do
in your day is a commitment in One Direction versus another.

(12:07):
And like man, we to to completely overthink it.
Let's. If you spend 3 minutes brushing
your teeth, that's three minutesyou're not doing something else.
But brushing your teeth is important, right?
So you brush your teeth. It's a priority.
It's a priority. Brushing my teeth is a priority
for me, 3 minutes minimum. How long have you brushed your

(12:27):
teeth for? Well, I mean like, that sounds
like a really long time. 3-3 minutes.
Yeah. That's just what my toothbrush
has said too. See, OK, left hand turn.
I didn't know that like the the my brush, my, you know, I have

(12:49):
one like the Sonic cares or whatever that it would like.
I mean, 'cause it was just going.
I was like, Oh, you. Know there were different
settings. And then but oh, I knew there
was a setting, but like it wouldstop and then go again.
And I was like, what the fuck isthat?
And what's that about? And that was like, that's a
timer. Like so it's letting you know
that you've been doing this for a minute or two.
You've done it mate. Yeah, like you could probably be

(13:09):
done now. And I was like, what I thought
it was. Malfunctioning.
I thought I just wasn't. Brush my teeth forever.
I didn't read the back of the box when I had the box, no.
No, you just take. It on I am not a reader of
directions. I'm not it's not a strong suit
in my Pat's like did you? I was like Pat, it's fucking
broken and he's like, did you read the directions?
I was like no it should be user friendly.

(13:33):
That's why the directions are easy to read.
It's like a not. Yeah, it's not.
And some things aren't intuitiveanyway, so I'm learning how to
use actual tools. Good for you, proud of you.
Anyway, I'm learning a lot but. Look at that boundary that
you're implementing for yourself.
Here's how I prioritize my time.Here's how I care about only

(13:53):
committing time to this once by reading the instructions so that
I don't end up committing more time to this later.
Look at that. It's a boundary.
It's a sounds like so many steps.
It's a time versus tools. Yeah, my time is valuable.
I'm not going to reach your fucking directions.
It's stupid. I need to be better.
I'm a weird adult. Listen, I think there are plenty

(14:15):
of people who don't read instructions because they think
they just know how. Or they can figure out.
Yeah, I think I can figure it out.
I but I, yeah, I think in this day and age, I'm like, make it
more intuitive and you can't. Figure it out.
Children can run an iPhone. I should be able to figure out a
fucking toothbrush. And you can figure it out.
But is that what you want to spend your time doing?
No. When you don't do it right the

(14:35):
first time because you didn't read the instructions.
For my 300 hour teacher training, I had to read the IT
was called The One Thing, and itwas all about how society says,
like, we are all multitaskers, yeah.
And how multitasking is. And I've always been like, very
proud of my multitasking. We get it, she's a there's a

(14:59):
dog. Is that where he's barking at?
I bet when he barks like that it's Tonko.
It's a dog across the street. That dog's name is Tonko.
Tonko. And you have she's a yeah.
Where am I right now? Anyway, oh the one thing it's a
book and couldn't tell you who wrote it.

(15:19):
I probably could if I looked it up.
That's fine, I'm not going to look things up here.
And those are directions we don't care and but I was I like
I would hang my hat on how I'm good at multitasking.
Pat disagrees. I think he's shenanigans.
I am excellent procrastinating, also good at that too, but at
multitasking. And this book is like, that's

(15:42):
all fake news. And I was like, yeah, nobody's
going to what? Nobody's.
Going to multitasking. And it was like, because if you
just focus on this one thing, ifyou do the one thing
wholeheartedly, full attention, you can get it done.
You can get it done properly. Yeah.
And I was talking about, like, all things, right?
That's not even just brushing your teeth or making coffee.

(16:02):
It was like, if in our day, if we sit down and we're like, I'm
going to do this task and I'm going to do it full attention,
how fast we could get it done, how well we could get it done
out the gate. Yeah.
And I was like, EW no, I hate this book.
Well, it's also hard because that doesn't always necessarily
apply, right? Like I'm thinking about we're in

(16:25):
a work scenario where I'm like, it happens to me every single
day because I'm in. I was just looking at my
calendar this morning, this weekin my 40 hour lol work week lol.
I have 29 hours worth of meetings on my calendar right
now when it's Monday. So that's like not even ad hoc
meetings for the next 4 days, which means I'm probably going
to have close to 40 hours worth of meetings on my calendar.

(16:45):
She's not working a 40 hour workweek.
But because of that, I have to just do, I have, I have to, I
have no choice but to multitask throughout my work day.
So like I'm in a meeting this morning with one of my team
members and I'm like training her on a process and another one
of my team members is messaging me about something else.
So I'm like training one responding to the other, looking
into what she's asking me about.It's like, and because that's

(17:08):
the only way that I can get all the things done.
But the reality is like if I'm responding immediately in
urgency to every single thing that pops up on my screen, I'm
not getting anything done in an actual valuable amount of time.
Like the meeting that I was in went over because I wasn't able
to give her my full attention for those 30 minutes.
And so because that meeting wentover, it trickled into the next
thing and we had that waterfall effect, right?

(17:29):
It's all attached. It's all connected, and it's all
garbage because no, we should. But we also live in a world that
expects us to multitask. So like how do you navigate
that? I will say in the morning time,
I like really I like test myself.
I'm like, can I make coffee to children's breakfast, my
breakfast and watch something onmy phone?

(17:53):
Yeah, I do pretty good. But then I but here's where.
But here's where it falters. Is my my fuse is that much
shorter because the second somebody distracts me from the
17 things that I'm doing. Screw you and the little bicycle
you came in on. Screw your.
Unicycle, yes. I said no.

(18:14):
And so I'll like get frustrated really, really quickly.
And I'm like, that's not, that'snot a good hand off.
Yeah, right. If I just focus on.
So some of the times I'm like when I'm making the coffee, I
will like literally I'm nothing is right around me and I'm like,
I'm putting the filter in. I'm like doing it so slow and
intentional. Some of it really feels nice.

(18:35):
Something's very meditative about that.
Yes, that singular focus. Also, to be able to just
complete a process from start tofinish is very rewarding.
Yeah, brush your teeth. Just yeah, brushing your teeth.
Until it goes. And then you go, what's wrong
with my toothbrush? Why is he malfunctioning?

(18:56):
And he's like, you're done. That's what it's saying.
I love that anyway, I love that.Had that toothbrush for a long
time. I mean, I've.
Anyway, it's really, it's reallyholding strong for you.
Any who back to the the yes. Any back to what we were
actually talking about? Yeah, yeah.
But it is everything that you choose to commit to takes away

(19:17):
from something else, whether youare aware of it or not, whether
you have made a conscious decision to prioritize one thing
over another or you're just saying yes, it still takes away
from whatever would have been inplace of that.
Right? Like if I commit to recording a
podcast with you on a Monday afternoon, that means I'm not
picking dot up from preschool. Preschool, it's summer camp.

(19:38):
I'm not picking dot up from summer camp.
I'm not getting a chance to lifttoday, which is fine 'cause I'm
going to do it tomorrow. But like, that means that I have
to move things around on my schedule to accommodate this,
right? And I've and it's important to
me, so that's what I want to do for myself.
But that also is the trade off. And every single thing is a

(19:59):
trade off. Every single thing.
Every single thing is a trade off.
Yeah, it's the butterfly effect.You.
Choose one thing, it's going to affect something down the line.
Is it me? Is she just barking at me?
She's not OK. Hold on.
Hold. Please, Nick, we're cutting
anyway. Nick and daughter home and she's
had to lose his mind about that,so you know.
OK. We're coming back in, Nick.
Big old feels. Where were we?

(20:23):
Just that everything has a tradeoff.
Yeah, every single thing. Yeah.
And I think what is beautiful about it, but what is hard about
it is that it really focuses youin on what your priorities are.
Yeah. Well, to me, it's two, it's two
different conversations. One is time and the, the

(20:48):
repositioning of time, right? Like every minute that you
commit to something is taking time away from something else.
But it's also energy every everything that I commit to it
depletes my battery and so. That is a hard lesson to learn.
It's so hard. Well, and if I'm constantly
committing to all the things that I want to commit to and

(21:10):
then I have nothing left in the tank for my family, that's a
problem. And if I'm committing everything
to my family and I have nothing left in the tank for myself, my
social life, my friends, the other people in my life that are
also important to me to stay connected to, that's also a
problem. So like finding that balance of

(21:32):
how much time is something goingto take for me?
And also how much energy is thatgoing to take for me?
And do I have, and I might have the flexibility to give up one,
but not the other. And like then that's a, a
negotiation and a compromise on its own, right?
Am I willing to commit this energy that I don't have because
I do have the time and I want this thing to be important.

(21:55):
And then knowing that I'm sacrificing somewhere else, and
probably what that means is likeI'm sacrificing when I come home
and I'm and I'm with my family and I'm, am I willing to make
that sacrifice and subject them to that sacrifice that they
didn't agree to? Right.
And sometimes the answer is yes.Yeah, because.
Sometimes it's really low stakes.
Sometimes I'm going to go out todinner with a friend and come

(22:17):
home late and I'm going to be tired and Roslyn's going to be
up and I'm going to not have seen her all day.
And she's going to want to connect.
And she's going to want to, you know, spill the tea and tell me
about all the things that happened that day with her
friends. And she's going to want to watch
a show and look at Instagram. We call them Instagram, almost
all the animal Instagram reels. And I'm going to be fucking
drained. And I'm like, I don't want to.

(22:38):
So like, am I willing? Is that?
And that's sometimes an OK tradeoff.
I think it's important for her also to see that I am like
maintaining some semblance of myown independent, autonomous
self. And also like, where is that
threshold where I then put my foot down and say no more of

(22:58):
this for X amount of time, right?
Like I went out to dinner, I drained my social battery.
I came home, I had no social battery for my kids.
That's OK once in a while. What if I do it every week?
That's not, that's not the choice that I want to make.
That's not the kind of of household dynamic or family
dynamic that I want to have, right.

(23:19):
So I have to find the balance. I struggle with that a lot for
theater, so hard with the older they get.
Yeah, when it was. Yeah, when they were younger,
right. It was harder in some ways
because it was like I'm leaving my partner at home to deal with
little people and their big emotions and bedtimes and bath

(23:41):
times and bedtimes and all that.And while I am doing a job
because it's not because I do it.
I don't do theatre because it's a hobby, right?
It's like a job in my. World, it's a passion that you
get paid for. How nice that you get to have
that. Yeah, I mean, I've really,
that's been a priority in my life, right?

(24:01):
It's like I'm going to turn. That's my, that's how I've,
that's your trade off. That's my trade off is that I've
made all of my hobbies into something I'm paid for.
Yeah, because I was like, I'm not going to give this up.
So I got to find a way to get paid for it because like, I
can't, I can't do it for free. Even when I didn't have kids, I

(24:22):
wasn't going to do stuff for free all the time, right?
There's some things that I woulddo for free because they filled
me up in other ways. But with kids there was like,
that's that's a no, a no go. If there's like a theatre gig
that's not paying. Sorry, I it's that's the trade
off for me. Yeah.
It's like I can't take away timefor my babies.

(24:44):
Yeah, just for that, just for a passion project.
For exposure. For right for a resume building
I. Yeah, you don't need to build
that your your resume is built, it's fine you.
Know, like, I mean, like, yeah, I mean, it is what it is.
See, Seattle's small, you know, that's true.
And but same with yoga gigs. Yeah, right.

(25:05):
I remember the first time I wentto Mexico, what a hard moment
that was. Like, you struggle with that
with for everybody, including me.
Yeah. Like because when I'm there,
right, I can only imagine what it looks like to the outside
where it's like, oh, I'm going on a week long vacation.
Where I it's not a vacation, you're working all day.

(25:25):
All day, right? Because like a full be.
Working, but you're also managing people.
I love you guys, but my hand doesn't look.
All the ducklings. Yeah, but I mean, so that's how
that's how I've done that though.
I think that's how I've negotiated because I just can't
stay in jobs that I hate. Amen.
Even if it is like a well payinggig.

(25:48):
Yeah, because that trade off doesn't work for you because.
It doesn't work for. Me.
That's a that's asking a lot of time and energy to commit to
something that doesn't give you a positive outcome at the end.
Yeah. No.
And the energy, the energy's huge for me, like.
It's more energy. More passion and but some people
can, right. Some people have that bandwidth
where they can, like, sit in a job that is paying them, that's

(26:09):
that's making the rest of their life lovely.
Yeah. And that's.
And that's OK. I just, I can't do that.
Yeah. Because I'll go crazy.
And then the people who suffer are the people at home when I
come home and I'm miserable. Yeah, right.
So I'm like, well, nobody's winning there.
Yeah, nobody's winning in that situation.
The priorities are crazy. Yeah, there for me anyway.

(26:34):
Yeah, well, I think I'm at AI mean, I definitely chose a, you
know, office job, 40 hour, 60 hour.
Yeah, Stephanie. As we just heard, it's.
Not just you. Just have 40 hours of meetings.
That's right. Yeah.
Because to me, it was time to make that trade off, right?

(26:58):
Like it was time for me to to commit my time and energy to
something that left me with something to give at the end of
the day and allowed me to feel like I was, I don't even know,
like in control of my life. Like when you are an artist, you

(27:19):
are not in control. Nope.
You are not in control of so much of your career and and I
didn't none your career, none your career.
And also just like the constant resting anxiety for me of like
knowing that getting a contract only means three months of work
or four months of work, or if you're lucky, six months of

(27:39):
work. Maybe.
Maybe rarely, if ever, here in Seattle.
And that that time energy exchange became unsustainable
for me because it was more time,right?
Constantly auditioning, working on new material, testing out new
material, cabarets, you know, vocal coaches just constantly

(28:05):
like refreshing and refreshing and refreshing to stay on top,
to stay relevant, to stay ahead of the curve, to stay ahead of
the competition. And then you're auditioning all
day. And then it if you're in a show,
you're auditioning all day and then you're in a show at night.
And then and obviously, like theall day auditioning is not here
in Seattle so much as it was in New York, NY different New York.
Yeah, very different. But I was like, well, and to me,
the, the turning point too is when I was, you know, a single

(28:27):
mom in New York with Roslyn and I'm and I'm in callbacks.
I'm in final callbacks for a national tour.
And I'm like looking around and I'm like, how the fuck?
How am I going to do a national tour single mom with a
three-year old? Like am I high?
What, like on what planet? There are some contracts in
Seattle that I just can't do. I can't I won't audition for

(28:47):
them because they are long and far and I just I'm like, man,
which is a bummer because I mean, part of me is set is very
sad because of that. And I could right.
I have a support system who would show up.
It is a big sacrifice. For four months my heart would

(29:09):
be just be so sad because I would never see my boys.
Yeah, I remember it was it last summer, there was a summer where
you got called in to audition for something, called in to be
for callbacks for something. And it was a summer show.
And I remember talking with you about it.
And you were like, really struggling about whether or not
to go to the callbacks because you were like, am I seriously
going to take the entire summer away from my kids to be an

(29:32):
understudy in a show? Yeah.
Or in the ensemble of a show. Yeah, like the the output and
the input do not align. They don't align.
Yeah. I mean, I feel like I don't want
to morph this conversation into just theatre, but theatre is, I
mean, that was it's such a huge part of our lives and and it has

(29:54):
slowly moved its way into if I didn't have my annual shows,
honestly, and that that was even, I didn't even know that
was a thing to. Have that kind of job security.
Well, and it's not even, I mean,to be fair, it's not even job
security because I've seen the casts change every single year I
have been lucky enough to not bekicked out.

(30:20):
To be welcomed back here. Every year, thank you to be
welcome back to the cast every year, which has been lovely.
But even that starting to some of the gigs are starting to to
change because it is a priority of a family.
Yeah. You know, so I mean, luckily

(30:41):
I've gotten to do, you know, gosh, eight years of just like
constant like the same show, which has been nice.
As a parent, that's so easy 'cause it's like there's minor
changes, but like we're not changing.
You're you're not learning a whole new show every.
Time, yeah, I get to, like, learn a new number or, you know,
change the new plan. Yeah.

(31:02):
Cut scenes, add scenes, like stuff like that.
But like, yeah, I don't have to,like, learn a whole show, which
is also energetically draining, right?
So the rehearsal process is veryshort for the most part, and
which is excellent for parents because, yeah, then I'm, I have
the energy. It's still fucking hard, though,

(31:22):
because a lot of them are eitherrehearsing all day and then
having to be a parent all night.Yeah.
Or vice versa. Parent all day.
You are in a cast with a bunch of people who do not know what
that feels like. Yeah.
And then are in rehearsals until10:00 PM.
Yeah. And you know who doesn't give a
shit about when I get home? My 2 little babies.
Yeah. They they up when they up and so

(31:44):
that it's it's just it is hard. And then on top of that, I teach
and so like, yeah. And and so that's with all my
passion jobs is like they all take yeah, right.
If in yoga I'm giving, in theater I'm giving.
There is no just like hang back and do admin work.
Yeah. Which which is why too, like, I

(32:05):
mean, I feel like I'll just speak to my own experience
coming from theater where it was, it was daily pursuing
something that I was passionate about, right?
Something that something that filled a cup for me to go from
that to like a quote UN quote, 9to 5, which I've never worked a
nine to five, but you know, an office job, a secure job.

(32:28):
Still, there's a significant trade off for me because I still
need to be in an environment with the right kind of people
and the right kind of mission and the right kind of like human
oriented, goal oriented kind of outcomes.
Like there was a, there was a time after, you know, the

(32:51):
maternal health startup that I was working on for, you know,
felt like forever of my life after we ceased operations and
basically wound down the company.
There was a time where I was like, I just have to take
whatever is available to me, right?
Like I just have to take the first thing and man, there were
two roles. I mean, it was also it was like

(33:14):
all of the timing was wrong. It was right before Christmas,
just the worst time to try to find a job.
Nobody's hiring and it there were it was just crickets.
I had a spreadsheet. I still have it somewhere of
every role that I that I submitted for and like the
status of the application and did I get an e-mail and did I

(33:36):
communicate with a person and was there an interview and did I
get a thanks but no thanks e-mail.
And it was a 200 and something roles that I had whoa that I had
submitted applications for and like submitted applications, not
just like gone on a website and like submitted my resume, but
like a cover letter and like, you know, put yeah, talk you

(33:57):
want to talk about putting time into.
I mean, finding a job is a full time freaking job.
Caused me so much anxiety. It was the worst and I and out
of the 200 and whatever roles that I submitted myself for, two
people got back to me. Two people and one interview was
just like so evident to me that it was not the company culture

(34:21):
that I wanted to be a part of. It was like this company run by
dude Bros. It was a Women's Health company
run by dude Bros. And I'm like asking all these
questions because they already had men's health products and so
they were looking to develop Women's Health products.
And so I'm asking all these questions and I'm like, how are
you? What's your plan here?
What's your strategy? How are you planning to budget
for this? How are you accounting for XY

(34:42):
and Z? How are you accounting for bio
individuality? And they were like, oh, we're
not that. None of that's real.
We're just basically like copy pasting the man product onto the
Women's Health product and that's what it's going to be.
And I was like I. I remember you telling me.
Because I was like, I mean, I feel like I was being torn in
half because I was like, I have bills to pay.

(35:03):
I have, I have a mortgage to payto keep a roof over my
children's head. I have to feed them.
I have right? Like I have all of these like
really heavy hitting financial responsibilities.
So like I don't get to be choosyright now.
And at the same time, I'm like, how can I compromise my morals

(35:26):
to take this role because I needthe money and, and like the
amount of exchange of energy that that would have required
for me, that that would have taken away from everything
around me in order for me to just like get like, you know,
get to a point, like put on my armor and get to a point where I

(35:48):
could feel OK sustaining workingin an environment like that that
I don't believe in. No, I, I fully do not believe in
working in that kind of environment.
I do the so many of the problemsthat we have in this modern
world are because we have lived in a man's world the whole time.
We need to do things differently.
Women's Health has been severelyunderfunded and under researched
for the entirety of humanity. It's things need to be different

(36:12):
and if I agree to a role like that, I'm just reinforcing the
status quo, which is everything that I'm against.
So, but I was about to take it because.
You need food I. Didn't have a choice, right?
And what am I going to do? Like go into debt, take out
personal loans? Like that's I just, it just none
of it made sense. So anyway, but now I luckily am

(36:33):
working for an organization whose mission I'm very
passionate about and I have an incredible team that I work
with. Like our entire senior
leadership team is amazing. The team, my team that works
under me is amazing. Everybody that works like
parallel to me is amazing. Like we really have something
special. I think, especially in
healthcare. But, and that's why I feel so

(36:55):
good about where I'm at and likemaking that sacrifice of working
how many hours a week I work andtaking that time away from my
family. Because at the end of the day,
what I'm investing myself in there has positive outcomes that
are measurable and visible and trackable.
And I feel like I'm still contributing to the greater good
in a way that is meaningful to me.

(37:16):
And so I can make that exchange and I can.
And I still, at the end of the day, can come home to my family.
Tired, brain numbed, can't make words right.
Like when you speak for 8 hours in meetings, you can't make
words at the end of the day. No, you and I speak for a few
hours here and I like start to melt.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But also when I look back at

(37:39):
like when I was in Women's Health and I was, you know,
carrying that start up on my back, doing something I was
passionate about with people whoI did not to enjoy working with
because they had ulterior motives and they were not in it
for the same reasons that I was in it.
Looking back at like how that dynamic played out in my

(38:00):
exchange of energy and time commitments to that versus my
family. Like I don't like how I show up,
showed up for my family in that phase of life.
And it's because of there was like all this friction and
hostility at work because I was like, I'm here because I
genuinely care about the patients and their outcomes and
improving maternal mortality rates and like improving very
important things to me. And other people were there for

(38:23):
other reasons. And I just like had a really
hard time swallowing that pill every day.
And so I guess all of that to say, like it, it still is a
sacrifice to write. Like I'm no longer active in the
art community. So I made the sacrifice, but I
still am making a sacrifice evenjust in taking a nine to five

(38:46):
because I hate because it still has to be something I care
about. And that like really makes the
access point really small, especially in healthcare.
There's because there's a lot of, you know, corporate politics
that get in the way of doing theright thing.
Is healthcare really a good place?
Scary. We did it already.

(39:10):
But we need people I mean for, Imean, we need people who care.
Yeah, right. Especially in healthcare and in
politics, we need people who care in all places and and are
able to make that that exchange of energy and time and human
output. I just didn't know that the the
energetic exchange was so high. I guess I like, never really

(39:35):
thought about it until, yeah, I was trying to do shows and teach
and do all at the same time. And the conversation with Pat
where he was like, I know you can, Tori, I know you can.
You're going to show up and you're going to do the best you
can in all the ways, but doesn'tmean you should.

(39:55):
And which I was just like, oh, what?
I don't know. There's another option.
I didn't know. I didn't.
What do you mean, Patrick? What do you mean, Patty?
Like I, you know, I have the thing, so I got to do the thing,
but I didn't know like that justbeing alive takes energy, right?
Waking up in the morning takes energy.

(40:17):
That parenting, every decision you make takes energy.
And so I didn't really realize. So now I I do when I look at my
day, I'm like all of those things will take this you.
Calculate your your energy when you're looking at your calendar.
Yeah, same. And I think that's necessary
because otherwise, yes, you willliterally drive yourself into a

(40:39):
puddle of goo. Yeah.
And and that's when you become so dysregulated that you can't
manage your interactions, interactions with other people.
Yeah, and which that's huge. And the first people who are
going to get the the, you know, the boot are your family
usually. Yeah, they get the worst of.
It yeah. And so that's I don't want to I

(40:59):
didn't want to do that anymore. So also why I've yeah, stopped
auditioning and stuff. There's an option or a offer
only kind of gal there. Yeah, which will change.
I also, I, you know, I think about that and like life ebbs
and flows so much. Yeah, there will be a time in
the future maybe, where you choose to recommit yourself in a

(41:19):
different way. Yeah.
But that that whole idea of managing your fuel tank, not
something I thought about for a very long time.
No, I didn't think. I mean, honestly, I didn't think
about it until, I don't know, three years ago maybe.
Yeah, maybe five years ago. And now it's to the point where
I have to zoom out so much. Like tomorrow night I'm having

(41:40):
dinner with Stephanie. Hey, hey, girl.
Hey, Stephanie. Steph.
Hey, Steph. Tomorrow night we're having
dinner and I'm like, OK, But then also another one of my
friends wants to meet up for coffee, One of my doula friends
who lives on Bainbridge Island and I'm like, well, I cannot do
2 social events in the same week.
Are you kidding me? Like already between the time
commitment, time and energy commitment at work and then just

(42:02):
and then just feeling very, I feel it's very important to be
present and invested in interacting with my family.
I am not willing to be the parent that's just like they're
in body but not in mind and spirit.
And so I'm like, great, if I have dinner with Stephanie
tomorrow, then when am I going to see Caroline?
Two weeks from now, Three weeks from now.

(42:23):
Like I have to space it out, right?
Because I still want the majority of the fuel in my tank
that is left at the end of my work day to go to my family and
at some point in there find timefor myself.
And so how do I make sure that Ihave enough gas in the tank for
all of those things? And then also like social

(42:44):
commitments are time to myself, right?
Like they're, they're reinvesting in a part of me that
is very important. But they're, I mean, what I, I
refuel, I well, I refuel two different ways.
I refuel by being around people and I refuel by being alone.
But if I learned anything from the pandemic, it is that I need
to be with my people. I need to do things like go on

(43:04):
dates with my friends. I need to go out to dinner.
I need to go to a movie. I need to meet up for coffee or
stroll the Highline. Wrong city, but stroll the
Highline. You know, what's the waterfront
area? I don't know, You know, down
there. Yeah.
Piers, Piers, something. Stroll the Piers.
Yeah. Yeah.
But like, I need those things toto fill my bucket.

(43:25):
And at the same time, it is still draining to do those
things. So like finding that balance of
how do I do this at a cadence that refuels me and doesn't take
away but also gives me what I need?
Yes. I still struggle with the the
the two in one week. I can feel when I'm looking at

(43:46):
my calendar like if I have yeah,something that's outside the
normal schedule, yeah, right outside of our routine.
I'm like anxious for it, even ifit's really positive.
I'm anxious for it all week. And yeah, then.
You have physical reaction to. It yes, I get I'm I'm, I'm more
like pent up. Yeah.
And I but it's stupid because I'm like none of that's hard or

(44:09):
scary. I just literally have to show
up. Somewhere, yeah, you have to
prepare. You don't have to bring up.
Yeah, nothing. I'm just being a human
interacting in the world and I'manxious about it.
Yeah. And now where I'm just like, I
mean, did I? I don't know.
Yeah, Yeah. And then I can't for more.
It's because I'm get overwhelmed.
But it is so funny 'cause I'm like, you did that to yourself

(44:30):
tour, like I did that. I mean, that's the hard part of
it is like looking at that calendar and being like, whoops,
well, like today, like today, I was supposed to drop off in at
camp. And I knew he was nervous about
it because his first day of campat a new camp.
And at the same time, I had scheduled myself to be at a
doctor's appointment because then I was going to come here to

(44:52):
podcast and not be able to pick him up from camp.
And so I was like, which is a big old bummer.
And I was like, no, I know my son needs me in this moment.
Even though it's small for me, right in his brain, it's huge,
huge. But in my brain I'm like, well.
Just one time. Yeah, but I was like, why did I

(45:15):
do that? Like, why did I not have the
like, pastor is kicking, you know, our presentor is kicking
Pastor because like, I'm like, why did I do that?
Well, I feel like there's what in those scenarios where you're
just like looking for an openingin your calendar to slot
something in, you don't necessarily think about the
mental or emotional or energetic.
Impact before or after it's likethere's a free space, yeah.

(45:39):
And so like, that's been my. Especially with like a doctor's
appointment, you're like, just put it where it goes.
Yes, but I'm like, I need to look before and after because
that yeah, I'll fill my time. But yeah, I will not have any
energy because I've spent, I've spent it filling my time and or
my kids time. Yeah, because then that's the

(46:01):
other thing that you have to commit your time and energy to,
even if you don't want to is like your kids commitments.
Yeah, this year was our first year having sports, like actual
sports, right? And I'd overheard somebody say
something. They're like, I remember that my
parents were always every practice and every game, and
that really meant something to me.

(46:24):
And I mean, same. My parents were very active in
all of the things that I did. But for me and like my planning
head, I was like, OK, if if he'sthere at practice, then I could
be doing this to check somethingelse off the list.
Yeah, right. And so and I was like, I'm not.
Going to like he's spoken for like he's.

(46:45):
Spoken for Sawyer's over there doing his thing.
Pat's over there doing his thing.
Cool, cool, cool. So I should I can do something
else and it's like, but I'm not thinking of the little 8 year
old brain and being like, where's my parent?
Where's my person? Right.
And so that has that was a huge another like hill for me to add
to the bucket of what it is to be an adult of like Oh yeah, now

(47:08):
I have to. OK, so I'm going to be which is
good. It's forcing me to slow down.
Yeah, and I'm, I'm. Really trying to, which I'm sure
your nervous system really appreciates.
Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness.
Oh my goodness. My overproductive brain, Yeah,
like is really being challenged.But like, my yeah, I'm like, I'm

(47:29):
gonna be calm. I'm gonna prioritize calm in
this summer, right? Like even if it's just like
challenge yourself for a summer cause yeah, when we hit school
time, it's gangbusters and everybody's, you know, when
they're at school and Sawyer goes to school for the first
time this year or like every day, it's still for only like 3
hours, but like still, still. It's like a big step.

(47:52):
Yeah. And the energy, the beginning, I
always forget the beginning of the year, right.
That energy shift of them being engaged for as long as they are
engaged in school and then coming home and dumping it all
and just being like, OK, for thefirst two weeks.
It's going to be a little bumpy,everybody.
It's going to be a shit show, you know?
Drink your water. Buckle up.

(48:12):
Here we go. And you know, knowing that those
fluctuate, I like being able to plan for that, though.
Yeah. You know, that is really helpful
for my nervous system being likeright now we can choose calm
because we're going to, because that's going to take so much of
my energy that I'd love to have so much reserve.
Yeah. And like feeling that

(48:33):
fluctuation through growing up or like being grown up now, I'm
like, man, how can I embrace that more?
Yeah. Well, and also being able to
anticipate that you don't know how much energy some things are
going to take. So instead of saying, oh, I'll
just figure it out and add on this other thing, you go, oh,

(48:54):
maybe I'll just allow myself, ifthis does go well, to end my day
with a surplus. And that's good.
So hard though. I know I did the other.
It was like in real time. This was this week on Saturday.
No, yes. Mm, hmm.

(49:15):
Friday was 4th of July. It was right.
So everybody there's high. We're doing things.
We were like wish washy on wherewe were going to go because it
was just like, do we want to chill evening with just like
grandparents or we want to like go to a house where the kids are
going to have more fun And you know, but that's a lot of energy
for me and Pat And so we decidedto go do that.

(49:37):
And so we were out late, right? 4th of July, get home late. 5th
of July is Finn's birthday, which we do a yes day, right?
We're like anything you want. We say yes, aunt.
Do you give him a budget? Well, we said, yeah, he doesn't
really know that, but I was like, listen, I will say yes, as

(49:57):
long as it is safe for everyone to do and it's not going to
break the bank, right? And he also just is like, I just
want to play video games all daylong, right?
Like which like, after a certainpoint is not safe.
So we'll, you know, set a timeline, we'll go do something
else. But so that was his yes day.
And we went to like, Bullwinkles.

(50:18):
Oh, so the family fun center. Happens there are still.
Bullwinkles, yes, there is. Where is it?
Southcenter, of course. And they have, I mean they have
literally everything. They have bowling, putt, putt,
go karts, batting, cage, arcade,I mean they have it all.
Oh, it's like it's right off of 405, right?
Yeah, yeah. It looks a hell of a rundown,

(50:39):
because it is. Because it is.
But Finn? It is a relic of our childhood.
And he loves to do it for his yesterday every year.
We've done it the last like 3 or4 years.
And so, but then we came home, had dinner, right?
Got to watch his movies that he wanted to watch, blah blah,
blah. And then we had his birthday
party the next day and it was just, you could tell even for

(51:00):
him, like every day was just dragging him more and more.
And so and he was, but he's doing his best.
But then I don't even remember why I even said it started to
talk about this. But it.
I mean, that shit happens every year, right?
It's always the 4th of July. It's always his birthday.
So Pat and I learned like, we have to be better about where

(51:25):
energetically things are going to go.
Yeah, because it was. It was hard on everybody.
So by the end of his birthday party, he's melting down.
I'm melting down. Pass.
Melting down. Sawyer's melting down like
everybody. 'S a hot ass.
Mess. It's a hot ass mess because it's
also fucking hot here and we're all from the Pacific Northwest

(51:46):
and we're snowmen when it gets. Past 80, it's hotter than 70°,
Yes. We're like, oh.
And so you know. I mean, I love it, but I mean
I'm the only one. No, I I love it, but also when
you're outside all day in it. Yeah.
But it's draining. It's draining, energetically
draining. And so.
Yeah. Right.

(52:08):
So anyway, it was I. You did not have a surplus.
You did not end the day with a surplus.
And we had no surpluses and but it was just another reminder of
like next year, put in a buffer.Yeah.
Like know that you need to recharge.
Everybody needs to recharge. Everybody needs a moment.

(52:28):
Everybody needs a moment. I mean that I am in that phase
of my life where I'm like, I'm going to be the calmest.
I'm going to choose the path. Oh, that's what it was I got
back to. It we did it, you did.
It so that was my that was my weekend.
And on Saturday I remember like I didn't work out right.
I didn't do any physical movement other than like, let's
survive Bullwinkles on a Saturday with a bunch of kids.

(52:53):
On a hot Saturday in the summer.Saturday in the summer, the day
after a holiday, which actually,if you go early, recommend not a
lot of people, but the later in the day it got slammed.
And so we're like, we're out. But I remember getting home and
just sitting on the couch. I and it's rare in my life, but

(53:13):
like I was like, I'm maybe physic.
No, Emotionally I want to move, like mentally I, I want to like,
go for a walk or like read a book or something.
Yeah, My body said no. Hard you.
Need to sit down and but that internal struggle of the push
and the pull of like sit down, no stand up, do something.

(53:34):
No, you need to chill. Yeah, you have the time.
You have the time. You haven't done this yet.
You haven't, right? There's probably something you
could be cleaning. Yeah, there's probably something
you could be making a list about.
You know, there's something you could be with yoga, right?
I'm always coming up with new sequences.
And so it's like, oh, I could belike spending my time doing that
new programming, new programming, new playlist, all

(53:54):
of it never stops. And I was like, fuck it.
No, just sit down. Like this will be my challenge
today. Sit down, sit down, Tori.
Heavens. But I remember it was like,
really? I even said it's bad.
I was like, I should probably bedoing something.
And he's like, no, you shouldn't.

(54:16):
No, because think of how even more depleted I would have been.
Yeah, it would have been even worse.
I mean, I used to be that personthat would be like, oh, if I
have if I have 1/4 of a mile left in the tank, I'm going to
find a place to expend it. I'm going to be rolling up on E
on fumes like putt putting my way to my front door at the.

(54:36):
End of the day, here we go. Here we go.
I might have to push it the extra however many yards, get
out, pop it into neutral and push it.
But we're going to use all the gas and now, like, what a what
an amazing just because we're old.
Yeah, girl, it is. I mean because it like why is

(54:57):
that? Why do we not figure that out?
Because we love ourselves now. Because we love ourselves now, I
thought. It was OK in my 20s.
Listen, 30s, do you? Yeah, but also, do you remember,
like, I think about like in my 20s now, granted, I was also

(55:17):
bartending at the time, so it just became like part of my
routine. But I think about like, you
know, 3 vodka Red Bulls, two shots of Jameson, just fucking
drinking all night and then justget up the next day and do the
same thing. Can you imagine?
I have two glasses of wine now and I'm like, I got to go 2
days, I'm out for two days. I got to.
I got to sleep. I got to.
Rehydrate I got to eat flirting with the idea of like that

(55:39):
sober. Living life.
Let's do it. I'm so serious.
Are you serious? Let's do it because like I there
it, it has been something that'slike on it's on my mind
literally constantly. Not because I'm a drinker,
because I am not. No.
You know what the feels like when they're like, when they're
like. How often do you drink?
I was like once a month. Yeah, like I am not.

(56:01):
But anytime I do it. Yeah, it feels like shit it.
Feels like shit. Yeah, and it takes away from
your time and your energy to puttowards other.
Things, and I don't know why because I don't even really love
the taste of it. I mean, I love, I love a rose.
Yes, if it's like a hot summer day, yes, like a rose, like

(56:23):
please and thank you. Also like it's to me, I think
too, it's the traditions like I.Still go.
To a baseball game and I'm like I want a beer now granted now
it'd have to be a cider but likewell, they probably do have
ciders at Oh yes what do you call it T-Mobile park yeah Oh
yes but. Like they have your rose if you
want it. Yeah, they have it all.
But yes. Nick, it's fine.

(56:46):
Nick, it's fine guys, Dot's going potty, but yeah, like it
just it's I I love the the, I guess tradition.
I mean, we have an Italian family, so like.
I we, it's a very big part of myculture.
Our family gets together like wedrink wine and because everybody
else likes the taste of it and Idon't hate the taste there.

(57:07):
Give me a Malbec any day. Like I want that hearty light.
Chewable. Chewable red, but even talking
about it is giving me a headache.
Yeah, wine. Wine hurts in such a weird way.
I. Know and then I think about like
the next day yeah, I'm gonna wake up even if I don't feel
hungover right but I don't have the same gusto that I might have

(57:31):
no. The tank is maybe half full.
Yeah, maybe if it's like for two.
Days yeah yeah and I mean yeah I.
Don't we old? We old, we old.
I think it's different too, because like we have, we both
live lives where we prioritize our health, our physical health,

(57:51):
our emotional health, all the things.
And so like we feel the impact that alcohol has at every level.
Like, so I don't want to say we're like more sensitive to it,
but like, yeah, we feel. Deeply.
Feel. We feel it deeply.
It's hard. I mean, maybe that's what it is,
because I'm like just more in tune because I like watch other
people and I'm like, don't you feel like shit?

(58:13):
Yeah, don't you feel like shit? But but also we prioritize
feeling good in our bodies, which is why we work out and we
eat well and we hydrate and we get enough sleep.
And like a lot of people don't do that.
Like I think back to the versionof me that could drink, you
know, 7 fucking cocktails in a night.
She was going to bed at 5:00 AM.She like she was so dysregulated

(58:37):
every day felt no different thanevery other day I could drink or
I could not drink and I still felt like shit and I was still
running on adrenaline and espresso and shitty food and
just like strung out all the time.
Where now I'm like, if I get if I get less than the the amount

(58:57):
of sleep that I have allotted for forget it.
Forget. It I am, I am, I'm worthless.
I am trying to get, I'm trying to up my sleep.
That's one of my new challenges or something.
It's hard. It's.
Real hard. Because yeah, Pat and I kids are
going to bed later. Yeah, how do you get time for
yourself? And I don't, well, it's not even
that. Like I take time during the day.

(59:18):
No, I mean how do you 2 get? Together, No.
And we, I mean, it's like lucky Pat works from home and like
we're not as strict as you guys.Like you guys are like we go in
and that's us at at work. Yeah.
And I'm like, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat.
Or if I'm not doing it, the kidsare doing it.
God love him. And he's, he's pretty good at

(59:38):
like, I'm on a phone. Like we all know, like Ted's on
his mom phone. Yeah.
But like, the bathroom's right outside his office.
So like, anytime we go to the bathroom, like, hey, you know, I
like check in. But yeah, the like alone time,
like watching a show together orjust like sitting and looking at
each other. Yeah, just sitting down and
being like you, alive. You good?

(01:00:00):
Like how are you doing? Yeah.
Uh huh, Patna, we can know that we've haven't had like
one-on-one time because we'll start to take it out on each
other. Yeah, we're like screw you for
not taking me on a date. You.
Yes. Yeah, we had to get and we're
like, well, look at each other and be like, do we need to go on
a date? Yeah, probably.
It's good that you both recognize.

(01:00:20):
We need to like, move it up the priority list because I want to
kill you. Yeah, Which means I need to
date. You, which means that you're not
bonding, you're not connected atthe moment.
No, because we're we're assumingthe worst of each other and or
we're just like, you're lazy andI hate you.
Yeah, you're mean and overbearing.
Yeah. God bless.

(01:00:41):
I mean, we the we on 4th of July.
I mean, granted, we have an amazing tradition that I love
every year where we go out to Kim's house and we have a
daytime 4th of July. We go swimming, we BBQ, we get
meat on the grill at like 5. Yeah.
We eat we, you know. Your overalls are very cute.
OK. Hey, thanks.

(01:01:03):
We always have some very eclectic patriotic outfit every.
Year. It was actually surprising when
I saw it. Oh, we do it.
Oh God, I'll pull out some. We have some good ones.
Actually, there's a great one. There was one year was a Terry
cloth romper, a short, a short short sleeve short panted Terry
cloth zip up romper. I just shared a picture with my

(01:01:23):
family group chat because there's a photo of my dad in it
and it brings me so much joy. Where is it?
But we're done. Then we do a parade.
We have our own parade. We literally walk up and down
her street with loud ass like marching bands, 4th of July
music, and we have like flags and batons and all the shit and

(01:01:44):
we walk up the street and we walk down the street and then we
do. We used to do fireworks, but it
got a little sketchy one year, so we don't do that anymore.
We don't want to burn the neighborhood down.
Oh yeah, You know, we had a wildcard ours this year.
I didn't. I didn't.
This is the first year we actually had like real
fireworks. But we had like a lot of little

(01:02:05):
kids this year and I was just like, I was that overprotective.
I was like, can we just not? Go over there, yeah.
I mean, it's very far away it gets.
Sketchy real fast. Yeah, real fast.
Like that's an actual little bomb.
Yeah, so. And it's unpredictable and it
doesn't, it doesn't necessarily follow the instructions that you
wanted to follow. So then we go back to the house

(01:02:26):
and we do like poppets and sparklers and like the little,
what do you call them? The ones that the confetti
fireworks, what do you call them?
The just little handheld ones? Pull the string in the confetti.
Yeah, yeah. Crackers.
And then we go home. So we go home while it's still
light outside. So before the fireworks dots in
bed, we all usually are super drained from like being out in

(01:02:50):
the sun all day, swimming all day, having a lot of fun.
And then we just have a quiet night and like we watch the
fireworks. Granted, we are in a very good
position because we're at the top of the hill.
So we have sewer park fireworks,we have Bellevue fireworks, We
have fireworks at the Seahawks Training center.
We have fireworks to that side like Boeing Field.
That way we can like we have fireworks in 360 degrees.

(01:03:13):
So if we want, we can go up on the roof and watch fireworks or
we cannot. Like we this 4th of July, Nick
and I turned off all the lights and went into the dining room
and watched them over like Washington.
And we were like, it was great. We went to bed at a normal time
and we both were like, yeah, this is how you do 4th of July.
This is how we do 4th of. July right?
Like the the like we have neighbors who are setting off

(01:03:34):
mortar shells at 2:00. In the oh, all these assholes
too. Yeah, but see.
That like half sticks, like quarter sticks, whatever the
fuck there. I'm trying to sleep, but Pat has
wicked anxiety about it, like panic attack anxiety about it
sometimes because he going to bethe one that goes out there and
is like, yeah, get shut the fuckup today or this year he did go

(01:03:55):
out because somebody was blowingthem off right in front of our
house, which also where we live,illegal.
You're like a little cul-de-sac.Like you, our houses are very
close and you should not like like get your sparkler out.
I don't care about that. Get one of that that little
thing that just has poop come out of it.
Like, you know, get all those little ones out like those, but

(01:04:16):
mortar shells, nothings. And he went out and some other
neighbor had already got into the kid and was like, knock it
off. I have little children.
Don't make me call people because I don't want to have to
call people. Please and thank you.
Somebody in in in the Parenting,one of the parenting Facebook
groups that I'm in posted that they their next door neighbors

(01:04:39):
were lighting off fireworks until like 2:00 AM, so they went
out and mowed their lawn at six in the.
Morning. I saw somebody say that.
I was like, Oh my God, that's the best.
That's the best. Yeah, yeah, Every year from now
on, tit for. Tat like if you're gonna blow it
off, I'm gonna wake you up. I'm gonna mow my lawn.
You know what? I'm gonna get out of chainsaw
and start putting some. Trees down.
Blow out a tree. Yeah, stand underneath it and
just blow it up into the air. Yeah, right at your.

(01:05:01):
I'm just trying to dust your. House just I just want to make
sure things are really clean. Really clean.
It's really important. It's high on my priority list.
Same with my sleep, Nando. Yeah.
So it's. Time energy exchange.
Don't take my sleep. I did not commit to having my
time and energy taken from me right now by your bullshit.

(01:05:21):
But I think we're setting ourselves up for failure right
now, because right now we're going to bed probably in the 10
o'clock 11:00 area. I wish.
But we're also readers, so we goup, put all our phones and shit
away. Yeah, brush our teeth, do all
that, read for about 1/2 an hour.

(01:05:42):
Go potty, go bed. We cannot change that.
I mean, it's like, at least you're in bed, at least you're
horizontal. True, I guess, but then, but
right now? Calming your body.
But like right now, usually thatwe have alarm set right because
school and I have to get the kids out and all the things.
But Finn, they're both sleeping really late and so like we sleep

(01:06:04):
until they sleep and they're like, don't look at Pat.
I'm like, don't you have a job? Like don't, But he can just kind
of maneuver his hours and all that.
But I was like Pat. So like I'm talking 830.
Oh my. God, what's that like?
I think it's going to really kick me in the ass at around
September because like that's yeah, we have to get up an hour

(01:06:27):
ahead of that. Yeah.
And so I was like, Pat, I think we need to be better adults.
Like, it's fine. This is week two of our of
summer vacation. I feel like I think we have to
be better adults because like, it's going to hurt.
It's going to like, but see, then we get yelled at by the
kids because they want us there to cuddle with them in the
morning. And so that's been our excuse,
which is like, well, Finn's not in here.

(01:06:47):
So I'm going to lay here for a little bit longer and I'm like.
With my eyes. Closed with my eyes with our
because it's bright in our room and we both have little sleepy
masks. Oh my God.
Which I didn't pull out. And I was like, Pat, I get it.
Like I put one on my face and I was like, Oh my God, I get it.
Best thing ever. So, so right now, like nobody
hate me, but that is what we're we're sleeping.
It's like 830. So I'm getting like 9.

(01:07:09):
Hours of sleep that really hurtsmy feelings.
I know, I'm so sorry, but it's also going to, I know it.
I know coming down the pipeline is going to get nasty because
it's like, and to be fair, Sawyer's up for everybody.
He's just a four year old running around the house.
I mean, he stays up in his like his room and our little upstairs
with toys and stuff. But I'm just like, that feels

(01:07:29):
unsafe to her. Be better.
Is he entertaining? Himself.
Oh yeah, he's being safe. He knows all the rules.
Like he's in the next room. He doesn't go.
Oh yeah, but he actually, he knows all the rules.
And he follows them. That's how Rosin was, too.
Yeah, for right now, until he finds out that he has some
choices he could make, which 5 is very close, and five, I
remember being very hard. At least for Finn, it was

(01:07:52):
really. Or maybe just me.
I mean, I keep the I see. I'm just waiting for things to
get easier with dot. I'm like, surely can't 5 can't
be harder than 4, but five's about to come kick me in the
Dick and be like, yeah, I can, idiot.
Don't get me in the Dick. I mean, there's fucky force.
What are the fives? I don't know.
Burn it down. Burn it down.
I mean she's always burn it down.
She is, yeah. But I, we love that.

(01:08:13):
Yeah. But yeah, that's got to be
energetically very hard to not have no chill.
Which is why like if I go to bedafter midnight, I'm like how do
I clear my schedule for the restof the week because I will never
recover from this. How?
Do you? So when do you go to bed?
Because I'll get message from you and Nick on our little chat

(01:08:34):
and I'm like. It's bad.
It's bad to. Her.
Are you sleeping? No.
It's bad I. Haven't since she was.
Born No, she doesn't fucking sleep.
She's just, she just doesn't sleep.
She is cocaine. Yeah, straight, just straight in
her, Yeah. Could have gone with espresso

(01:08:55):
but I went with cocaine. Listen, sorry.
And it's ten O 1. One inch more on.
His what? My mom used to say 10 O1.
My mom's my mom's mom used to say 10 O 1/2 a dozen to the
other. What?
Those aren't equal. Those aren't equal each other.
It's 10 O 1/2 a dozen together. It's fun to say though.
Yeah, it is. It's good.

(01:09:15):
Makes people go. What?
I don't get it. Got it.
I know. I don't, but I do.
If I am in bed by 11:00 I am lucky I like high 5 myself.
Why? Because Roslyn stays up late and
so the only time I get with her is after dot goes to bed.
And if we have a calm, frictionless bedtime with dot,

(01:09:39):
I'm done putting her to bed by 7:30.
And then I still have to usuallyfinish work.
And then if we're editing the podcast or whatever the fuck,
and then trying to have quality time with Roslyn and then trying
to have quality time with Nick. And then like, is it?
Do I need to take a shower? Probably.
Do I have time? No, just be dirty.

(01:10:02):
How often you change your sheets.
Every Sunday. Oh God.
Somebody said every Sunday. Somebody said to me today
they're like the Max you should be going is like two to three
weeks. Yeah, every second I looked at
each other and we're. Like we have two sets of sheets.
OK, so Sunday this. Really important topic is one

(01:10:24):
second of all but. This is how we manage time
energy input output right? Two sets of.
Sheets, bring it back. Sunday, strip the bed, put the
clean set on, put The Dirty set in the wash, then it's already
handled. So then by the time The Dirty
set is clean, then you fold it, you put it away and then the
next Sunday you do the same thing.
It's way more efficient and thenyou're not like getting to 10:00

(01:10:46):
PM and having to remake a bed. We're like, we should probably
clean our sheets. Should clean our.
Sheets I know. You should do it, you know.
Also, you're supposed to wash your towels after like every two
to three showers. Yes, I learned that today.
The same man, my down South, Gaysaid.
Yeah, my, it's every two to three.

(01:11:09):
Yeah, showers. He's like that'll then turn into
a floor, the one that like I'll put.
It on the floor. The floor.
Towel and then and then we cleanit.
But yes, it should be. And I was like, Oh my God, I am
a dirty gal. I guess you.
Just like them little skin bugs.You know, I don't.
They haven't bothered me yet, but.

(01:11:30):
Everyone contributes to the ecosystem, you know, I mean.
Guys shower. They're making it so that you
don't just have like scaly dead skin hanging off your body, so I
have. Eczema.
I always have dead skin hanging up my body.
Oh yeah? Well.
You know, could be worse if you didn't have those skin.
Bugs. Yeah, I guess so.
Anyway, I'm chomping away on your.
I did. But there was a guy I did a show
with and she was like, are you like a clean girl or a dirty

(01:11:51):
girl like. What you like help me like.
What does that mean? It's just like, well, like I'll
wear the same jammies for like along time or I'll wear the same
out for a long time or, you know, like I, I mean, we didn't
go into the full rigmarole of what makes her a dirty girl, but
she's like, I'm a dirty girl. I was like, it sounds like I'm

(01:12:12):
pretty dirty, I guess. I mean, I don't.
Wash a bra after one wear. You know, if I wear a shirt and
I don't sweat in it, if I take it off and it doesn't smell like
my body, I'll wear it again. I sometimes, I mean, like I
never have because I mean, I saturate my workout clothes,
right? Because I'm.
Oh yeah. There's can't repurpose those,
no. No, no.

(01:12:33):
But I know some people who will.But they're those smelly kids at
the at the at the station. What at the studio?
I tried to do that. I I I almost tried to do.
That I tried to do that. I last year in Mexico I only
took one outfit per day because I took 2 outfits per day the
year before your year and you know is was my whole ass
suitcase which was fine. You don't need literally

(01:12:55):
anything. Else the rest of the.
Time, but I was like, I'm going to pack light so I don't have to
deal with it. I packed one outfit per day and
granted, the first three days were cooler because it had
rained. And also this retreat that I
went to last November was very chill, very passive, didn't
quite do yoga. Yeah, so it ended up being fine,

(01:13:16):
but I was, but I was like, got to the end of that week and I
was like, honestly, thank God because I can't repurpose
workout clothes. No, no, I have to.
Yeah, we have to. I pack an outfit of class.
And so that's what Fort. Yeah, it's your whole ass.
Carry on. Yes, unless you're checking a
bag. Which she doesn't trust nobody
checking nothing anywhere. So I always, I mean, I'm my dad

(01:13:39):
was a pilot. So we had like, always stand by.
We were always stand by. Yeah.
So like, I didn't even know whatchecking a bag meant.
What do you mean? Does that mean, and they're
like, they take a bag And I was like, what?
It's mine. Where's all my stuff going?
So I just, I trust no one. But yeah, the first year I
learned the hard way. Also because we weren't in an AC

(01:14:00):
room. And so like the pants, they
jumped off the boat into the ocean, which I didn't know was I
had pants, ocean pants. They were ocean pants that never
got dry until I got home. They were wet because, yeah, we
had no AC. Now in the AC room, things will
dry a little bit better. Sure, but like there's still so

(01:14:20):
much moisture in the air there though.
But. Yes, I I all my workout clothes,
but thank God I have so much of them because yeah, yeah, it can
be like 2 outfits a day. Yep.
Now when you taught, did you didyou do one outfit per class or
did you just like free ball it through?

(01:14:41):
What do? I would just reball it.
I would do one outfit per day. There were times in Jakarta,
like in the summer in Jakarta, Imaybe would have a change of
clothes if I had. If I had morning classes and
evening classes, I would probably change in between.
I don't, but yes. But also it's because like you
are just swampy, like you, thereis no drying out.

(01:15:03):
You the minute you get sweaty, you are just sweaty for the rest
of the day and that doesn't feelgood.
And then you just have like boobsweat and you're you're Luan is
sticking to you and. I will wear, I know some
instructors who change like they'll take double like a
back-to-back and they'll change their clothes and I'm like,
that's so much laundry. I'll just no.

(01:15:24):
Go straight if I'm already. Yeah, like I'm laying my body.
Especially for a double, if I'm going from one straight into the
other, it's that's no, no, but. I know people.
Do we're already here? But you know, everyone, as we're
learning, have different hygienic needs.
Yeah, wash your towels more gotta.
Wash my towels more wash. Your towels more.
You gotta have two sets just like the sheets. 2 sets make
your life. Easier, which I do.
I do. I have more than two sets for my

(01:15:45):
sheets. We're Pat's very specific on his
sheets. For per per seasons per Seasons
sheets per. Season, yeah, I don't know.
Yeah, I mean, he runs real hot and I run real cold.
But anyway, and I I'm very specific on like I hate silk.
Oh no, I hate silk. You know I love a flan.
I. Know it's supposed to be really
good for your. Skin, it is really good for your

(01:16:06):
skin and hair, but I'm like I don't care.
I don't want it also. Have you ever tried to sleep on
a silk pillowcase On silk sheets?
That pillow just flies right outfrom underneath you, zoop.
Zoop zoop anyway. Anyway, so time versus but all
those. Tools do add up, right?
It all add up. The energetic exchange
throughout the day. Yeah, that we don't think about

(01:16:27):
when we're looking even at our schedules.
Yeah, it's like who is changing the sheets?
Mm. Hmm, it's got to be me, but I
didn't you know it. I I need to get on a schedule.
I have also friends who every Friday she changes all the
sheets in the house, all the things and I'm like.
I will say with the girls, we change our sheets maybe once a

(01:16:48):
month. Yeah.
But like, the difference too. Like, they both sleep in pyjamas
and they both have, like, little, you know, child bodies.
They're not like like it's if I'm on my period, I'm going to
wake up in a pool of sweat. Nick and I both sleep naked, so
there's like I. Can't sleep naked.
Oh I hate PJS. I've tried.

(01:17:09):
I can't sleep with a big shirt and undies but like and Pat's
just an underwear but like I can't.
I tried just like free ball in it one time.
I was uncomfortable. I hate having anything on my
top. I could wear underwear or like a
pair of shorts but like anythingon my top I hate I.
Can't wear like a bra. You know, some people wear bras.
Yeah, that doesn't. I can't.

(01:17:30):
Do that. I don't even nap strap down but
like it caught. Everywhere.
What do you have in your bed that you're getting caught on,
babe? Just like arms.
And stuff just like hangers and stuff.
Just. Like little bodies I just like.
Rack, don't worry about. It you know, that's true, you
know, and so like have you, I mean, one time like and they do.

(01:17:50):
Like over like pinned. My tit down and I was like, I
almost punched that kid. I was like, get off my boob.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So no, I can't. And that's with a shirt on, so I
can't even imagine if I had no, no barrier that they would just
be all over the place. I hate.
Sleeping with clothes on. It's funny too, because whenever
I go somewhere that's not my home, I will always pack

(01:18:11):
pajamas. But then also I'm like, I'm
going to sleep with the door closed and not wear anything
like that's just going to. It's just going.
To be like I've got. My PJS.
It's literally so that when I wake up in the morning I can put
my PJS on to like go out and brush my teeth.
Interesting. And also like if I don't know,
like when I went to maybe I. Need to give you a robe.
Like when we, when we had dinnerat at Maureen Dirty Dave's, I, I

(01:18:37):
brought my PJS because I didn't know what the sleeping situation
was going to be. You know, I'm not trying to like
walk around their house naked. I'm sure neither of them would
have given a shit. No, but like.
Sleeping between them, actually.Yeah, I snuggled right in
between the two of them. It was great.
We three-way spooned. Yeah, so I had, but luckily I
hadn't, you know, proper bedroomwith the door.
Yeah. So I put my pages on to go go

(01:18:58):
out potty in the morning, brush my teeth, wash my face.
No, I hate wearing clothes to bed.
I hate that. That is my energetic exchange.
Yeah, if I wear clothing under sheets, it requires too much
energy of me. I shan't do it, I think.
That's a good one. I think it's a good. 1.
I love to hear people's boundaries, though, when it
comes to, like, energy exchange.Like, how often are you changing

(01:19:21):
your sheets? Yeah.
And also like what is your? What are your non negotiables?
What are your boundaries around output and input?
Yeah, it's so, I feel so detailed and so nuanced for all
human beings. Well, it's so specific for yes
and for different categories in your life, right?
Like my input output exchange asa parent is different than my

(01:19:43):
input output exchange as a wife is different than my input
output exchange as an employee, as a manager, as my own
autonomous person, as a daughter, as a sister, right?
Like everything is a negotiation.
But it does make your life feel way better when you actually
like, commit time to thinking about the exchange.

(01:20:04):
Yes, because I spent a lot of time not.
Yeah. And then you're stressed out.
Yeah, it felt out of control. And so like if you can slow it
down and if something feels and if something feels out of
control, right, like having thatinternal dialogue of like, how
can I put a system into place? Yeah.
What, what can I do for myself to to feel like I have control

(01:20:27):
over this and I'm making a conscious decision?
Yeah. Well, great, let's everyone's
homework find something that feels out of control.
Put a system in the place. Put a system in place I found
the picture of the short rompers, the Terry cloth zippy
rompers it's this was a good year we had a lot of accessories
that year oh and we walked the neighborhood in that and

(01:20:52):
everyone matches so like the. Oh, they all match.
Everybody the Star Spangled overalls.
Yeah, Kim and Adam had those. Rosin and Hunter had them. dot
had her own. Oh yeah.
Scroll. So cute.
And we were all matchy matchy. Whose pool are you guys at?
They're they have a private poolin their neighborhood.

(01:21:15):
It's like their neighborhood. Pool The overalls are so cute.
I love that that everyone's wearing the same.
Yeah, I love that Adam just goesalong with it.
He's like, yeah, whatever. Yeah.
So good. I want them.
You know what's funny is that this reminds me of, gosh, when
growing up, when I was about Roslyn's age, we always went

(01:21:35):
down to my grandfather's house, the Taco Bell house, and we we'd
have matching shirts. Wait, where was it Mom?
Huh. Where was it?
Taco Bell? Salem.
OR it was it was Salem. Yeah.
Where in Salem was it? Salem.
Oregon. You know, that's where I grew
up. What was?
I don't know. It was on Independence St.

(01:21:57):
It was an airfield out in Independence, OR.
Oh yeah, wait a minute, there's an air show there for 4th of
July? I bet there oh, it's.
All coming together now. Oh my God, I wonder if we've
ever globell. House is there and we would be
all all the cousins, all the grandparents, all the parents.
We'd all have shirts that my momwould like puff paint.

(01:22:17):
Yes, puffy paint puff. Paint on the shirts.
Everyone got to like take their shirt but make it their own.
So there's like a lot of, you know, cutting and knotting and
all that. And I remember it being really
lovely. And that's what we did for the
4th and I kind of like miss that.
So I love that you have that. You have that tradition.
That's a great tradition. It's a great tradition.
We have to come up with a new one.
We've it's just the 4th of July has always been kind of now one

(01:22:42):
I'm struggling with America. So I've really put all of my
energy since having Finn, who was born on the 5th, I put all
my energy on to him. Like on we're watching the
fireworks. I was like, Finn, these are all
for you. And he was like, are you kidding
me? I was like yes I am but.
In my heart. Yeah.
In my In my heart. These are few babe and but I I

(01:23:06):
love that so much. It's a good tradition.
And we had, you know, we had some reframes.
We had a reframe This year, Nope.
This year was like we are celebrating freedom,
independence, autonomy, things that we value that are meant to
be ours in this quote UN quote free world that we supposedly
live in. And we will continue to
celebrate those things. And if those things go away,

(01:23:29):
well. We'll have to reframe other.
Things reframe it a different way, yeah.
We'll have our energy expenditure somewhere.
Else that's right, we will redirect the energy down a
different channel anyway. So thanks for being here.
Thank you. Guys, you guys are the best.

(01:23:50):
Like share, subscribe, yada yada.
You can't do that. But yeah, you can.
You can't subscribe. Someday, but someday.
We do have so much silly contentthat we could.
Anyway, that's a different conversation.
Yeah. Thanks guys for being here.
As always, you're the best and. See you next Tuesday.
Bye bye.