July 22, 2025 • 29 mins
A legendary variety show blending witty monologues, comic sketches, and musical interludes, all anchored by the impeccable timing of its beloved host. It’s a masterclass in comedic timing.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
The Jack Many program presented by Lucky Strike Firk Turbo.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
No no no, no, no no, All American.
Speaker 1 (00:09):
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(01:16):
world there's no finer cigarette than Lucky Strike, So round,
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the draw.
Speaker 2 (01:32):
The Lucky Strike Program firing Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Pilharris, Rochester,
Denniste and yours Early Don Wilson. Ladies and gentlemen, if
(01:53):
you go out to Beverly Hills and look in the
windows of Jack Benny's house, you will see a very
pretty Christmas tree, a picture of peat, some serenity. But
if you could have been there yesterday, well why not?
Speaker 1 (02:11):
Well we're almost through trimming the cream. Mary. He was
nice here to come over and help me.
Speaker 3 (02:15):
Well, if I didn't, you never get it done, say Jack,
Shall I put the snow around the bottom?
Speaker 1 (02:20):
Now, not yet, I want to see if the lights
are working. I'll hold up the bulbs when I say, ready,
you plug it in, Okay, ready, ready pull it out?
Speaker 4 (02:33):
Pull it out.
Speaker 3 (02:45):
My goodness, Oh Jack, why did you make me shut
it off? Those lights were so pretty, especially those two
blue ones that kept flashing on and off.
Speaker 1 (02:53):
Those were my eyes. I must have been holding onto
a bare wire.
Speaker 3 (02:58):
Well, it's your own fault. Every time people on with electricity,
something goes wrong.
Speaker 1 (03:02):
It does not. I know plenty about electricity.
Speaker 3 (03:04):
Oh sure, remember what happened yesterday when you fixed your doorbell.
Speaker 1 (03:08):
What happened?
Speaker 5 (03:09):
I pushed the button, roasted a pig and encino.
Speaker 1 (03:13):
Oh, stop exaggerating, and we hand me that roller tape.
I'll fix this bear wire right.
Speaker 5 (03:18):
Now here you are.
Speaker 1 (03:19):
Thanks. Now let's see when sell them in instantly? The
bear wire. You just tape it up like hm, like
this there. That ought to be enough tape. Alright, Mary,
plugging in?
Speaker 5 (03:31):
Okay, pull it out?
Speaker 6 (03:34):
Pull out?
Speaker 4 (03:46):
Uh?
Speaker 5 (03:46):
Jack, what happened?
Speaker 1 (03:47):
I tape my finger to the wire. That's what happened.
Speaker 5 (03:54):
Oh gee, and that time was even prettier than before.
Speaker 1 (03:58):
What do you mean your nose lit up too? It
did not? What are you laughing at?
Speaker 5 (04:05):
Danny the red nose reindeer?
Speaker 1 (04:09):
All right, all right, now, let's get this tree finished
before the gang gets it.
Speaker 5 (04:12):
But Jack, what about the light.
Speaker 1 (04:14):
We'll have to let that go until later. Now, hand
me one of those candy canes. So I, oh, mister,
what is a rochester? I baked that cake like you
told me to good God, you have enough whipped cream
to spell out Merry Christmas?
Speaker 7 (04:25):
Yeah, say boss, how many r's and Mary two?
Speaker 1 (04:29):
Oh? Well you better add one ad one? Better cross
one out at at three? Well, leave it. It's better
than ruining the cake.
Speaker 7 (04:39):
Okay.
Speaker 3 (04:40):
Uh oh, Rochester, will you please take these Christmas tree
lights and fix them?
Speaker 1 (04:44):
Fix them?
Speaker 4 (04:44):
Yes?
Speaker 7 (04:45):
I ain't fooling around with electricity.
Speaker 1 (04:47):
What are you afraid of?
Speaker 7 (04:48):
I don't want to get hit by nothing.
Speaker 1 (04:50):
I can't hit back, oh, Rochester. Imagine being afraid of electricity.
Suppose Robert Fulton was afraid, he never would have invented
the electric light?
Speaker 5 (05:03):
Chat what you're thinking of Thomas Edison?
Speaker 1 (05:06):
Edison? Well, then what did Robert Fulton do?
Speaker 5 (05:09):
He wrote mule train.
Speaker 1 (05:14):
Oh yeah, now, Rochester, please fix these lights. Okay, okay,
Now let me see.
Speaker 7 (05:20):
In electricity, there's the electrons and the electrode, and then
there's the positive and the negative. But I ain't positive
which one is negative. Then there's the atoms. Now the
atoms are supposed to go from the positive to the negative,
or maybe they go from the electrons to the electrodes.
Then again, maybe they go from amos dandy Rochester, Now
(05:44):
as long as these atoms keep passing each other, everything
is all right.
Speaker 4 (05:48):
But when they meet.
Speaker 7 (05:48):
Halfway start fighting, they're gonna turn on anybody.
Speaker 1 (05:51):
Who tries the body in Rochester. I'm not interested in
the scientific details. I just want you to fix those lights.
And I promise you, why you're holding the wires, one
in this room will turn on the switch.
Speaker 7 (06:02):
No, boys, while I'm holding the wire, you ain't gonna
turn on the switch.
Speaker 1 (06:05):
And Miss Weberson ain't gonna turn on the switch, of
course not.
Speaker 7 (06:08):
But well if that boone, damn this little man sitting
in a room with thousands of wires all around.
Speaker 1 (06:12):
Him, So why why do I know he aint gonna
do something just to break the monotony. Alright, I'll fix
it myself. Come on, Mary, help me finish the tree.
Speaker 5 (06:23):
Okay, Jack tell me that candy cane were.
Speaker 1 (06:26):
Yeah, yeah, got it.
Speaker 5 (06:28):
I'm down. I'll put the cane right next to the drums.
Sadder Claus is coming to Times.
Speaker 1 (06:34):
See where's that star? Dedydum bedlem d. I'll put the
star on top of the tree. Tanny clothes come mean
the Times? See that looks swelling?
Speaker 5 (06:44):
He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're away.
Speaker 1 (06:48):
He knows when you've been better good, So be good
for good.
Speaker 5 (06:52):
And that's says, so you better watch out. You better
not cry.
Speaker 1 (06:55):
Marry you're cute and so am I. Well, Mary, we
got all the packages under the tree. It looks nice,
doesn't it.
Speaker 3 (07:05):
Yeah, but you better pick those lights up off the
floor before somebody steps on them.
Speaker 1 (07:08):
Oh yes, Now where can I put them? I'll put
him here on this chair. I'll marry some of the
gifts I had sent direct from the store. But there's
Phil Harris's present. Put it under the tree. Boy, will
he be surprised?
Speaker 3 (07:19):
But Jack, Holly be surprised. You've got toilet water written
all over the box.
Speaker 1 (07:23):
Well, you gotta do that with Phil. When he opens
the package and finds a bottle, he never stops to
read the label. Last year I gave him a miniature
ship and a bottle, and the mask struck out of
his mouth for three days. Every time I asked him something,
(07:45):
he had to answer me through the crow's nest. Believe me,
I know what I'm doing.
Speaker 3 (07:51):
Well, Jack, I guess that does it. The tree is
all finished.
Speaker 1 (07:53):
Yeah, tea, it looks well. I'm kinda tired. I think
I'll sit down for a minute and smoke it. Lucky
married you got a man? No, oh say boss, what
of the Rochester? Are your socks dry yet? I think
so well, people will be as soon.
Speaker 7 (08:06):
You better take them off the tree, right, you.
Speaker 1 (08:10):
Take them off when your Rochester. I'm tired. I want
to sit here a while, Yes, sir, say.
Speaker 7 (08:15):
This tree looks awful, nice, but it's kind of dark.
Oh no, wonder the lights aren't plugged in? O'pis that?
Speaker 1 (08:22):
Pull it out? Pull it out for heaven's sake.
Speaker 5 (08:30):
Well what happened this time?
Speaker 1 (08:32):
I'm sitting on the wire. As long as you're here, Rochester,
give me a match.
Speaker 3 (08:38):
You don't need it now your cigarette is lit.
Speaker 1 (08:45):
Oh yes, thanks Rochester. Don't thank me.
Speaker 7 (08:47):
Thank that little man of it bowled again?
Speaker 1 (08:52):
Never mind, don't plug that in anymore. I've had enough
trouble with Come in, Hello, Phillo. Are you at Jackson?
Very Christmas? Everybody? Merry Christmas? Yeah? Well deck the holes
with turnip greens. If that ain't a lovely Christmas tree? Yes, sir,
Hey Jackson, you ought to see the one I've got.
It's all decorated with a lot of ornaments, and I
(09:14):
got tinsil on it and everything, and then right up
on the top, I got a picture of Alice. Alice
that you're supposed to have a picture of Santa Claus.
She's Santa Claus to me, Dad, I know, I know, hey,
but no kidding Jackson. I think we got the prettiest
tree in Encino.
Speaker 5 (09:31):
By the way, Phil, what are you having for Christmas dinner?
Speaker 1 (09:33):
A roast pig? Why? I don't know how it happened,
but when I went out to feed it this morning,
it was cooked standing up.
Speaker 3 (09:49):
You see, jack I told you I thought you were kidding,
so die.
Speaker 1 (09:54):
And that's strange. What are you too? Mumbling about? Nothing? Nothing? Hey? Phil?
What do you got in that package? Then? Oh? I
almost forgot Jackson. It's a it's a present for you
for me. Yeah, me and the boys would band all
chipped in and got it for you. Well, thanks Phil,
I'll put it under the tree. Oh no, no, you
don't go ahead open it up now, okay. See it's
certainly nice of you and the boys. Ah, Phil, fangs
(10:19):
see a beautiful turtle neck sweater. Oh gee, look inside
of it, Jackson? Inside? Oh, pel what is it? Jack?
A turtle find present to give me. I'll fix him.
(10:41):
Come here, Phil, Phil sit down on his chair and relax. Huh,
go ahead, Phil, sit down. Thanks Jackson, Are you comfortable? Phil? Sure? Good? Good?
Mary pushing the plot. You wouldn't dare have me the plug.
I'll give it on myself. Hey Jackson, what about my presence? Yes,
(11:01):
sip where you are, you'll get it. You'll get it
at the surprise. Mary watches out one, two, three, Phil, Phil,
(11:23):
don't you feel anything?
Speaker 4 (11:24):
No?
Speaker 1 (11:24):
Why? Hm? What about the surprise? What's the matter.
Speaker 5 (11:29):
Uh, we're having a little trouble of boulder.
Speaker 1 (11:31):
Damn, Mary, I can't understand what went wrong. Phil, Stand
up a minute. Okay, now let's see. Must be something
wrong with this. Pull it out a fine thing to
(11:54):
do on a guy on Christmas Eve.
Speaker 5 (11:56):
Well, at your own fault for trying to play a
trick on stale.
Speaker 1 (11:58):
Oh so that's a Jackson trying to give me a
high hot foot. Oh, Bell, I was just saying, hold.
Speaker 5 (12:06):
Out, poor jack at the doorbell, come in?
Speaker 2 (12:14):
Oh hello, don Merry Christmas everything, Mary, Marry Christmas man, Come.
Speaker 1 (12:19):
On in, fellas. Oh you brought the sportsman with you.
Merry Christmas boy. Yeah, I'm sure glad you dropped in.
Speaker 5 (12:26):
Say, John, you get many nice presents this year.
Speaker 1 (12:28):
I sure did, Mary, I couldn't wait. I've opened them already.
Speaker 6 (12:31):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (12:31):
How what'd you get done?
Speaker 4 (12:32):
Well?
Speaker 2 (12:32):
I got some gold cuff links, a moving picture camera,
tulliving sets, a golf ball, and a diamond wristwatch. Wow.
Speaker 1 (12:39):
Thanks for the golf ball. Jack, you're wome. Don You
do play golf, don't you know? Well, you really ought
to take it up down. It's a great exercise for
a fellow like you, and there's some beautiful courses around here.
Speaker 3 (12:54):
It's fine. You give a guy one golf right away.
You want him to join a country club?
Speaker 5 (12:59):
Well, why didn't you give him a flea and tells
the glout and buy.
Speaker 1 (13:02):
A dog, my dog, buy a dog.
Speaker 2 (13:06):
Now look now, Jack, the boys and I have to
be running along well down.
Speaker 1 (13:09):
Can't you stay a little longer?
Speaker 2 (13:10):
We'd like to, Jack, But the sportsman have to rush
over to the Ambassador Hotel.
Speaker 1 (13:13):
You know they're appearing at the Coconut Grove.
Speaker 3 (13:15):
Oh yes, let's say, Jack, why don't we go over
there one night this week?
Speaker 1 (13:18):
Oh? We will marry, we will. Jack.
Speaker 2 (13:20):
You should have been there last night. The boys did
a novelty number for the holiday season. It was really wonderful.
They call it mule train. You mean mule train, Oh no, no,
no Jack mu'll train.
Speaker 1 (13:31):
Oh ule train. Say that's clever. How does it go down?
Speaker 8 (13:35):
Well, come on, boys, let's have it.
Speaker 9 (14:07):
You pray, you pray, Hi, daughter, I have listen.
Speaker 4 (14:16):
I am Hi.
Speaker 1 (14:18):
Climmity clopping through the snow and rain. Santa's Ranger, never
stop flipperty clop clipperty clop clifferty clippity clippity clipperty clippity
clopping In along, What a busy busy dale? Have that
jolly old Chris Kringle. We hope that every one of
you will hear his slave house.
Speaker 10 (14:39):
Dingle, and underneath your tree find some alsm efty we
mean lucky lucky lucky strip. Everybody wants a cardpoonful of
lucky strike because the.
Speaker 1 (14:53):
Rounded, firm and fully packed by good old Santa Claus.
You're happy when you pump on a lucky shore.
Speaker 9 (15:00):
In along you pray along, Hi, honor get up there,
plasten I Bransler high an answer high.
Speaker 1 (15:12):
Won't ride awayd the god?
Speaker 6 (15:16):
If the.
Speaker 4 (15:23):
Long you pay a long.
Speaker 1 (15:44):
Gone, that was wonderful. We'll be over at the grove
of the first chance we get, won't we marry? Sure?
Speaker 2 (15:48):
Well that's swell, So aren't our kids Merry Christmas?
Speaker 1 (15:51):
Y Christmas?
Speaker 3 (15:52):
John?
Speaker 1 (15:53):
Well, Mary, you're gonna stay and half dinner with me,
aren't you? Yes?
Speaker 5 (15:56):
You invited me?
Speaker 4 (15:57):
Good?
Speaker 1 (15:57):
And after dinner we'll open all the presents. I'll answer
the phone box. Never mind, Rochester, I'll get it. It's
right here. Hello.
Speaker 11 (16:08):
Now, look, Joe, I haven't got much time, so'll listen
to me. I'm phoning to warn you that my husband's
wise to us, and he's on his way over to
your house with a gun. So get out of town, Joe,
get out quick. Remember what happened to charlte.
Speaker 12 (16:33):
Jack?
Speaker 3 (16:34):
What's the matter?
Speaker 1 (16:35):
I don't know. Somebody keeps getting my number by mistake.
This is the second time it happened. First it was Charlie,
and now she thinks I'm Joe. Joe who I don't know.
We'll probably read it in the paper tomorrow, Oh, Rochester.
How soon will dinner be ready?
Speaker 3 (16:50):
In?
Speaker 1 (16:50):
About ten minutes?
Speaker 9 (16:51):
Boss?
Speaker 1 (16:51):
All good?
Speaker 5 (16:52):
Hey Jack, it's a little chilly in here, don't you
think so?
Speaker 4 (16:54):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (16:55):
Maybe I ought to put another log on the fire
a yeah. I hmm hmm jee this log is heavy,
Oh Rochester, never mind, Thanks Mary. Now let's sit down
(17:16):
and wait until all right you can stop showing off.
Let's sit down. Yum bump bum yum bump boom, yump
bump bum. You know, Mary, sitting here in front of
the fireplace, you look like the prettiest girl in the
whole world. If fire were a painter, I take the
reflection of the fires dancing in your hair and paint
(17:37):
the loveliest. There's somebody at the door, Well.
Speaker 5 (17:40):
I answer Grandma Moses. You can paint my hair later.
Speaker 1 (17:44):
Yeah, coming coming, Yes.
Speaker 5 (17:49):
Good evening, sir. I'm selling Christmas cookies to raise funds
for the Girl Scouts.
Speaker 1 (17:54):
Christmas cookies. Well you see I.
Speaker 5 (17:57):
Oh you're Jack Benny, aren't you. Yeah. Well, it would
be silly of you to buy any you bake them
for it.
Speaker 1 (18:09):
That's right. How did you know I baked those cookies?
Speaker 5 (18:12):
All the gingerbread men have blue eyes.
Speaker 1 (18:17):
Well, I'll buy some anyway. I'll take a dozen. How
much are they twenty five cents? You mean you only
make a penny profit a penny on twelve cookies.
Speaker 5 (18:33):
If we break any, we're dead.
Speaker 1 (18:40):
Well, just be careful. By the way. What's your name,
young lady, Joan? Oh, that's a nice name. Well, Merry Christmas,
Merry Christmas, Mary. I just bought some cookies. I'll put
them on the tree here. Would you buy them from
a girl who came to the door. Name is Joan
Q two. You think her father would dress her a
little better? You have a cookie?
Speaker 5 (19:10):
Mary, No, it'll spoil my dinner. Oh that reminds me.
As long as I'm staying here, I better call my
maid and tell her I won't be home, okay, d.
Speaker 3 (19:24):
Don't Hello, Hello, Pauline, this is MS Livingston. Well, I
won't be home for dinner, so I thought you'd like
to know you could have, Pauline.
Speaker 5 (19:32):
Are you still crying? Pauline?
Speaker 3 (19:35):
You gotta get a grip on yourself. You've been carrying
on like this all week.
Speaker 5 (19:39):
Now. Look, he's married, on his way.
Speaker 3 (19:41):
To Honolula and there's nothing you could do about it.
Speaker 5 (19:46):
Goodbye.
Speaker 1 (19:48):
What's wrong?
Speaker 4 (19:48):
Mary?
Speaker 1 (19:49):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (19:49):
That made of mine just because Clark Gable got married.
She's been crying for five days.
Speaker 1 (19:56):
Five days. That's ridiculous.
Speaker 5 (19:58):
Certainly I got over it in two.
Speaker 1 (20:02):
Everybody makes such a fuss about Gable. Mary, let me
ask you something. What's Clark Gable got that? I know? Now,
I'd be a fool to throw you a lead like that.
You sure would, Oh, Mary home, mister Benny. Merry Christmas? Oh, Dennis,
(20:24):
I didn't see her. When'd you get here? I came
in with Phil? With Phil, I was quite a while ago.
Where have you been?
Speaker 3 (20:33):
Well?
Speaker 13 (20:33):
I sneaked upstairs and put your Christmas present under your pillow?
Speaker 4 (20:36):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (20:37):
What took you so long?
Speaker 13 (20:38):
I fell asleep, Say mister Benny. I'd like to thank
you for the present you sent me, but I'm.
Speaker 1 (20:45):
All confused, confused why all the packages.
Speaker 13 (20:48):
Got mixed up and the tags fell off? And I
don't know who sent me?
Speaker 3 (20:50):
What?
Speaker 4 (20:52):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (20:52):
All the cards fell off?
Speaker 4 (20:54):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (20:55):
Well look kid? Did you uh uh? Did you get
a wristwatch? A beautiful one, sod gold? Well, take my
card and put it on left. Now let's wait a minute.
Speaker 5 (21:07):
Huh, Dennis, I'll tell you what Jack gave you? What else?
Did you get?
Speaker 13 (21:12):
A portable radio, a cigarette lighter, a candid camera, a
silk bathroom, a golf ball?
Speaker 5 (21:16):
Bingo? Dennis, Jack gave you that golf ball.
Speaker 4 (21:24):
Oh?
Speaker 13 (21:26):
I thought it was kind of funny about mister Benny
giving me the Wristwatch why on the back is engraved
to Dennis for mother and dad.
Speaker 1 (21:37):
Look, Dennis, on Christmas, it isn't what you get that counts,
it's the spirit in which it was given.
Speaker 13 (21:43):
Every year, he says the same thing.
Speaker 1 (21:46):
Certainly, I say it because it's true. More people felt
that way. And where are you? Oh? Anything can happen
(22:10):
on Christmas Day? God, Come on, Mary, we'll go to dinner.
Speaker 5 (22:14):
Dennis, do you want to have dinner with us? Oh?
Speaker 1 (22:16):
Yeah, that'd be swelling.
Speaker 13 (22:17):
And after dinner we can all sit around the fire.
Speaker 1 (22:19):
And Dennis, Dennis, come here a minute, yes, sir, over here.
I love kidd There's an old saying two is company
and three is a crowd. You know what I mean? Yeah,
but how can we get rid of Marry? You nearly
(22:40):
lost that one? Well, all right, Rochester, that'll be the
three of us for dinner. Come on, kids. Yeah, I'm hungry.
Speaker 5 (22:50):
Oh tell my Oh.
Speaker 1 (22:51):
Rochester has those big raw carrots. I love them.
Speaker 5 (22:54):
I like the small carrot, I like the big ones.
Speaker 1 (22:56):
We always argue about that. I'm Marry. You sit here,
and Dennis you sit over there. There we are a Rochester.
You can get people, Dennis. What happened?
Speaker 13 (23:09):
I rolled off the chair, had the golf ball in
my back pocket.
Speaker 1 (23:14):
Now, Rochester, we're waiting, coming, Boss, coming.
Speaker 4 (23:29):
Well.
Speaker 1 (23:29):
Rochester has been a very nice Christmas Eve. The gang
dropped in, we had a quiet dinner and now they've
gone home. Believe me, I'm ready for bed. Yes, sir,
Wait a minute, Boss, I'll PLoP up your pillow for you.
It's a matter of Rochester. There's a package up here.
Oh yes, it's from Dennis. It's my Christmas present. We'll
open it, open it okay. Oh, well, this is lovely,
(23:56):
a beautiful electric alarm clock. And instead of numbers around
the face, that has twelve letters that spell out Jackson, Benny. Yeah,
sure's nice all. I might as well start using it
right now. Rochester. You said it to the right time,
and I'll plug it in.
Speaker 7 (24:09):
Okay, it's eleven thirty.
Speaker 1 (24:12):
Now, so I'll set it to Oh I'm sorry, Rochester,
I didn't Rochester. Rochester. Oh my goodness, Rochester speaks to me.
What are you laughing at?
Speaker 7 (24:32):
The lights lit up on a Christmas tree?
Speaker 1 (24:35):
Oh, Gord, Gord, Marry Christmas, Rochester, my Christmas Boss, And
now ladies and gentlemen, Dennis Day will sing Schubert's Ava Maria.
Speaker 3 (25:10):
Oh.
Speaker 4 (25:14):
May oh holy mo.
Speaker 12 (25:31):
Adrasi marieograsily.
Speaker 4 (25:45):
For of it.
Speaker 12 (25:54):
O wo sequel and eighty hostile.
Speaker 4 (26:03):
In woody a lady a.
Speaker 12 (26:18):
Nady could go to then then tis too.
Speaker 1 (26:28):
He wol.
Speaker 6 (26:36):
Oh mom, molly.
Speaker 12 (27:14):
Moa w from nodies hey reboot for a for rahafrono, oh.
Speaker 4 (27:40):
Rah fron.
Speaker 12 (27:46):
He got a reboo.
Speaker 6 (27:53):
In who.
Speaker 4 (27:58):
In a hole?
Speaker 12 (28:00):
Oh Ramore is not straight.
Speaker 4 (28:07):
In the whole Rab's not he is not.
Speaker 12 (28:16):
No more, He's no.
Speaker 1 (28:22):
Straight.
Speaker 4 (28:31):
Mone oh.
Speaker 1 (28:52):
Money, Merry Christmas, everybody. This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting
(29:16):
System
The Jack Many program presented by Lucky Strike Firk Turbo.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
No no no, no, no no, All American.
Speaker 1 (00:09):
Friends, Every Lucky you like gives you a smoother, milder,
more enjoyable smoke. There's never a rough puff in a
Lucky because ls MFT Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Yes,
Lucky Strike means fine tobacco, ripe life, naturally mild leaf
that always gives you a more deeply enjoyable smoke, puff
after puff with never a rough puff. Now, fine tobacco
(00:33):
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In fact, a recent survey reveals that more auctioneers, buyers,
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and warehousemen smoke Lucky Strike regularly than the next two
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(01:16):
world there's no finer cigarette than Lucky Strike, So round,
so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on
the draw.
Speaker 2 (01:32):
The Lucky Strike Program firing Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Pilharris, Rochester,
Denniste and yours Early Don Wilson. Ladies and gentlemen, if
(01:53):
you go out to Beverly Hills and look in the
windows of Jack Benny's house, you will see a very
pretty Christmas tree, a picture of peat, some serenity. But
if you could have been there yesterday, well why not?
Speaker 1 (02:11):
Well we're almost through trimming the cream. Mary. He was
nice here to come over and help me.
Speaker 3 (02:15):
Well, if I didn't, you never get it done, say Jack,
Shall I put the snow around the bottom?
Speaker 1 (02:20):
Now, not yet, I want to see if the lights
are working. I'll hold up the bulbs when I say, ready,
you plug it in, Okay, ready, ready pull it out?
Speaker 4 (02:33):
Pull it out.
Speaker 3 (02:45):
My goodness, Oh Jack, why did you make me shut
it off? Those lights were so pretty, especially those two
blue ones that kept flashing on and off.
Speaker 1 (02:53):
Those were my eyes. I must have been holding onto
a bare wire.
Speaker 3 (02:58):
Well, it's your own fault. Every time people on with electricity,
something goes wrong.
Speaker 1 (03:02):
It does not. I know plenty about electricity.
Speaker 3 (03:04):
Oh sure, remember what happened yesterday when you fixed your doorbell.
Speaker 1 (03:08):
What happened?
Speaker 5 (03:09):
I pushed the button, roasted a pig and encino.
Speaker 1 (03:13):
Oh, stop exaggerating, and we hand me that roller tape.
I'll fix this bear wire right.
Speaker 5 (03:18):
Now here you are.
Speaker 1 (03:19):
Thanks. Now let's see when sell them in instantly? The
bear wire. You just tape it up like hm, like
this there. That ought to be enough tape. Alright, Mary,
plugging in?
Speaker 5 (03:31):
Okay, pull it out?
Speaker 6 (03:34):
Pull out?
Speaker 4 (03:46):
Uh?
Speaker 5 (03:46):
Jack, what happened?
Speaker 1 (03:47):
I tape my finger to the wire. That's what happened.
Speaker 5 (03:54):
Oh gee, and that time was even prettier than before.
Speaker 1 (03:58):
What do you mean your nose lit up too? It
did not? What are you laughing at?
Speaker 5 (04:05):
Danny the red nose reindeer?
Speaker 1 (04:09):
All right, all right, now, let's get this tree finished
before the gang gets it.
Speaker 5 (04:12):
But Jack, what about the light.
Speaker 1 (04:14):
We'll have to let that go until later. Now, hand
me one of those candy canes. So I, oh, mister,
what is a rochester? I baked that cake like you
told me to good God, you have enough whipped cream
to spell out Merry Christmas?
Speaker 7 (04:25):
Yeah, say boss, how many r's and Mary two?
Speaker 1 (04:29):
Oh? Well you better add one ad one? Better cross
one out at at three? Well, leave it. It's better
than ruining the cake.
Speaker 7 (04:39):
Okay.
Speaker 3 (04:40):
Uh oh, Rochester, will you please take these Christmas tree
lights and fix them?
Speaker 1 (04:44):
Fix them?
Speaker 4 (04:44):
Yes?
Speaker 7 (04:45):
I ain't fooling around with electricity.
Speaker 1 (04:47):
What are you afraid of?
Speaker 7 (04:48):
I don't want to get hit by nothing.
Speaker 1 (04:50):
I can't hit back, oh, Rochester. Imagine being afraid of electricity.
Suppose Robert Fulton was afraid, he never would have invented
the electric light?
Speaker 5 (05:03):
Chat what you're thinking of Thomas Edison?
Speaker 1 (05:06):
Edison? Well, then what did Robert Fulton do?
Speaker 5 (05:09):
He wrote mule train.
Speaker 1 (05:14):
Oh yeah, now, Rochester, please fix these lights. Okay, okay,
Now let me see.
Speaker 7 (05:20):
In electricity, there's the electrons and the electrode, and then
there's the positive and the negative. But I ain't positive
which one is negative. Then there's the atoms. Now the
atoms are supposed to go from the positive to the negative,
or maybe they go from the electrons to the electrodes.
Then again, maybe they go from amos dandy Rochester, Now
(05:44):
as long as these atoms keep passing each other, everything
is all right.
Speaker 4 (05:48):
But when they meet.
Speaker 7 (05:48):
Halfway start fighting, they're gonna turn on anybody.
Speaker 1 (05:51):
Who tries the body in Rochester. I'm not interested in
the scientific details. I just want you to fix those lights.
And I promise you, why you're holding the wires, one
in this room will turn on the switch.
Speaker 7 (06:02):
No, boys, while I'm holding the wire, you ain't gonna
turn on the switch.
Speaker 1 (06:05):
And Miss Weberson ain't gonna turn on the switch, of
course not.
Speaker 7 (06:08):
But well if that boone, damn this little man sitting
in a room with thousands of wires all around.
Speaker 1 (06:12):
Him, So why why do I know he aint gonna
do something just to break the monotony. Alright, I'll fix
it myself. Come on, Mary, help me finish the tree.
Speaker 5 (06:23):
Okay, Jack tell me that candy cane were.
Speaker 1 (06:26):
Yeah, yeah, got it.
Speaker 5 (06:28):
I'm down. I'll put the cane right next to the drums.
Sadder Claus is coming to Times.
Speaker 1 (06:34):
See where's that star? Dedydum bedlem d. I'll put the
star on top of the tree. Tanny clothes come mean
the Times? See that looks swelling?
Speaker 5 (06:44):
He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're away.
Speaker 1 (06:48):
He knows when you've been better good, So be good
for good.
Speaker 5 (06:52):
And that's says, so you better watch out. You better
not cry.
Speaker 1 (06:55):
Marry you're cute and so am I. Well, Mary, we
got all the packages under the tree. It looks nice,
doesn't it.
Speaker 3 (07:05):
Yeah, but you better pick those lights up off the
floor before somebody steps on them.
Speaker 1 (07:08):
Oh yes, Now where can I put them? I'll put
him here on this chair. I'll marry some of the
gifts I had sent direct from the store. But there's
Phil Harris's present. Put it under the tree. Boy, will
he be surprised?
Speaker 3 (07:19):
But Jack, Holly be surprised. You've got toilet water written
all over the box.
Speaker 1 (07:23):
Well, you gotta do that with Phil. When he opens
the package and finds a bottle, he never stops to
read the label. Last year I gave him a miniature
ship and a bottle, and the mask struck out of
his mouth for three days. Every time I asked him something,
(07:45):
he had to answer me through the crow's nest. Believe me,
I know what I'm doing.
Speaker 3 (07:51):
Well, Jack, I guess that does it. The tree is
all finished.
Speaker 1 (07:53):
Yeah, tea, it looks well. I'm kinda tired. I think
I'll sit down for a minute and smoke it. Lucky
married you got a man? No, oh say boss, what
of the Rochester? Are your socks dry yet? I think
so well, people will be as soon.
Speaker 7 (08:06):
You better take them off the tree, right, you.
Speaker 1 (08:10):
Take them off when your Rochester. I'm tired. I want
to sit here a while, Yes, sir, say.
Speaker 7 (08:15):
This tree looks awful, nice, but it's kind of dark.
Oh no, wonder the lights aren't plugged in? O'pis that?
Speaker 1 (08:22):
Pull it out? Pull it out for heaven's sake.
Speaker 5 (08:30):
Well what happened this time?
Speaker 1 (08:32):
I'm sitting on the wire. As long as you're here, Rochester,
give me a match.
Speaker 3 (08:38):
You don't need it now your cigarette is lit.
Speaker 1 (08:45):
Oh yes, thanks Rochester. Don't thank me.
Speaker 7 (08:47):
Thank that little man of it bowled again?
Speaker 1 (08:52):
Never mind, don't plug that in anymore. I've had enough
trouble with Come in, Hello, Phillo. Are you at Jackson?
Very Christmas? Everybody? Merry Christmas? Yeah? Well deck the holes
with turnip greens. If that ain't a lovely Christmas tree? Yes, sir,
Hey Jackson, you ought to see the one I've got.
It's all decorated with a lot of ornaments, and I
(09:14):
got tinsil on it and everything, and then right up
on the top, I got a picture of Alice. Alice
that you're supposed to have a picture of Santa Claus.
She's Santa Claus to me, Dad, I know, I know, hey,
but no kidding Jackson. I think we got the prettiest
tree in Encino.
Speaker 5 (09:31):
By the way, Phil, what are you having for Christmas dinner?
Speaker 1 (09:33):
A roast pig? Why? I don't know how it happened,
but when I went out to feed it this morning,
it was cooked standing up.
Speaker 3 (09:49):
You see, jack I told you I thought you were kidding,
so die.
Speaker 1 (09:54):
And that's strange. What are you too? Mumbling about? Nothing? Nothing? Hey? Phil?
What do you got in that package? Then? Oh? I
almost forgot Jackson. It's a it's a present for you
for me. Yeah, me and the boys would band all
chipped in and got it for you. Well, thanks Phil,
I'll put it under the tree. Oh no, no, you
don't go ahead open it up now, okay. See it's
certainly nice of you and the boys. Ah, Phil, fangs
(10:19):
see a beautiful turtle neck sweater. Oh gee, look inside
of it, Jackson? Inside? Oh, pel what is it? Jack?
A turtle find present to give me. I'll fix him.
(10:41):
Come here, Phil, Phil sit down on his chair and relax. Huh,
go ahead, Phil, sit down. Thanks Jackson, Are you comfortable? Phil? Sure? Good? Good?
Mary pushing the plot. You wouldn't dare have me the plug.
I'll give it on myself. Hey Jackson, what about my presence? Yes,
(11:01):
sip where you are, you'll get it. You'll get it
at the surprise. Mary watches out one, two, three, Phil, Phil,
(11:23):
don't you feel anything?
Speaker 4 (11:24):
No?
Speaker 1 (11:24):
Why? Hm? What about the surprise? What's the matter.
Speaker 5 (11:29):
Uh, we're having a little trouble of boulder.
Speaker 1 (11:31):
Damn, Mary, I can't understand what went wrong. Phil, Stand
up a minute. Okay, now let's see. Must be something
wrong with this. Pull it out a fine thing to
(11:54):
do on a guy on Christmas Eve.
Speaker 5 (11:56):
Well, at your own fault for trying to play a
trick on stale.
Speaker 1 (11:58):
Oh so that's a Jackson trying to give me a
high hot foot. Oh, Bell, I was just saying, hold.
Speaker 5 (12:06):
Out, poor jack at the doorbell, come in?
Speaker 2 (12:14):
Oh hello, don Merry Christmas everything, Mary, Marry Christmas man, Come.
Speaker 1 (12:19):
On in, fellas. Oh you brought the sportsman with you.
Merry Christmas boy. Yeah, I'm sure glad you dropped in.
Speaker 5 (12:26):
Say, John, you get many nice presents this year.
Speaker 1 (12:28):
I sure did, Mary, I couldn't wait. I've opened them already.
Speaker 6 (12:31):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (12:31):
How what'd you get done?
Speaker 4 (12:32):
Well?
Speaker 2 (12:32):
I got some gold cuff links, a moving picture camera,
tulliving sets, a golf ball, and a diamond wristwatch. Wow.
Speaker 1 (12:39):
Thanks for the golf ball. Jack, you're wome. Don You
do play golf, don't you know? Well, you really ought
to take it up down. It's a great exercise for
a fellow like you, and there's some beautiful courses around here.
Speaker 3 (12:54):
It's fine. You give a guy one golf right away.
You want him to join a country club?
Speaker 5 (12:59):
Well, why didn't you give him a flea and tells
the glout and buy.
Speaker 1 (13:02):
A dog, my dog, buy a dog.
Speaker 2 (13:06):
Now look now, Jack, the boys and I have to
be running along well down.
Speaker 1 (13:09):
Can't you stay a little longer?
Speaker 2 (13:10):
We'd like to, Jack, But the sportsman have to rush
over to the Ambassador Hotel.
Speaker 1 (13:13):
You know they're appearing at the Coconut Grove.
Speaker 3 (13:15):
Oh yes, let's say, Jack, why don't we go over
there one night this week?
Speaker 1 (13:18):
Oh? We will marry, we will. Jack.
Speaker 2 (13:20):
You should have been there last night. The boys did
a novelty number for the holiday season. It was really wonderful.
They call it mule train. You mean mule train, Oh no, no,
no Jack mu'll train.
Speaker 1 (13:31):
Oh ule train. Say that's clever. How does it go down?
Speaker 8 (13:35):
Well, come on, boys, let's have it.
Speaker 9 (14:07):
You pray, you pray, Hi, daughter, I have listen.
Speaker 4 (14:16):
I am Hi.
Speaker 1 (14:18):
Climmity clopping through the snow and rain. Santa's Ranger, never
stop flipperty clop clipperty clop clifferty clippity clippity clipperty clippity
clopping In along, What a busy busy dale? Have that
jolly old Chris Kringle. We hope that every one of
you will hear his slave house.
Speaker 10 (14:39):
Dingle, and underneath your tree find some alsm efty we
mean lucky lucky lucky strip. Everybody wants a cardpoonful of
lucky strike because the.
Speaker 1 (14:53):
Rounded, firm and fully packed by good old Santa Claus.
You're happy when you pump on a lucky shore.
Speaker 9 (15:00):
In along you pray along, Hi, honor get up there,
plasten I Bransler high an answer high.
Speaker 1 (15:12):
Won't ride awayd the god?
Speaker 6 (15:16):
If the.
Speaker 4 (15:23):
Long you pay a long.
Speaker 1 (15:44):
Gone, that was wonderful. We'll be over at the grove
of the first chance we get, won't we marry? Sure?
Speaker 2 (15:48):
Well that's swell, So aren't our kids Merry Christmas?
Speaker 1 (15:51):
Y Christmas?
Speaker 3 (15:52):
John?
Speaker 1 (15:53):
Well, Mary, you're gonna stay and half dinner with me,
aren't you? Yes?
Speaker 5 (15:56):
You invited me?
Speaker 4 (15:57):
Good?
Speaker 1 (15:57):
And after dinner we'll open all the presents. I'll answer
the phone box. Never mind, Rochester, I'll get it. It's
right here. Hello.
Speaker 11 (16:08):
Now, look, Joe, I haven't got much time, so'll listen
to me. I'm phoning to warn you that my husband's
wise to us, and he's on his way over to
your house with a gun. So get out of town, Joe,
get out quick. Remember what happened to charlte.
Speaker 12 (16:33):
Jack?
Speaker 3 (16:34):
What's the matter?
Speaker 1 (16:35):
I don't know. Somebody keeps getting my number by mistake.
This is the second time it happened. First it was Charlie,
and now she thinks I'm Joe. Joe who I don't know.
We'll probably read it in the paper tomorrow, Oh, Rochester.
How soon will dinner be ready?
Speaker 3 (16:50):
In?
Speaker 1 (16:50):
About ten minutes?
Speaker 9 (16:51):
Boss?
Speaker 1 (16:51):
All good?
Speaker 5 (16:52):
Hey Jack, it's a little chilly in here, don't you
think so?
Speaker 4 (16:54):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (16:55):
Maybe I ought to put another log on the fire
a yeah. I hmm hmm jee this log is heavy,
Oh Rochester, never mind, Thanks Mary. Now let's sit down
(17:16):
and wait until all right you can stop showing off.
Let's sit down. Yum bump bum yum bump boom, yump
bump bum. You know, Mary, sitting here in front of
the fireplace, you look like the prettiest girl in the
whole world. If fire were a painter, I take the
reflection of the fires dancing in your hair and paint
(17:37):
the loveliest. There's somebody at the door, Well.
Speaker 5 (17:40):
I answer Grandma Moses. You can paint my hair later.
Speaker 1 (17:44):
Yeah, coming coming, Yes.
Speaker 5 (17:49):
Good evening, sir. I'm selling Christmas cookies to raise funds
for the Girl Scouts.
Speaker 1 (17:54):
Christmas cookies. Well you see I.
Speaker 5 (17:57):
Oh you're Jack Benny, aren't you. Yeah. Well, it would
be silly of you to buy any you bake them
for it.
Speaker 1 (18:09):
That's right. How did you know I baked those cookies?
Speaker 5 (18:12):
All the gingerbread men have blue eyes.
Speaker 1 (18:17):
Well, I'll buy some anyway. I'll take a dozen. How
much are they twenty five cents? You mean you only
make a penny profit a penny on twelve cookies.
Speaker 5 (18:33):
If we break any, we're dead.
Speaker 1 (18:40):
Well, just be careful. By the way. What's your name,
young lady, Joan? Oh, that's a nice name. Well, Merry Christmas,
Merry Christmas, Mary. I just bought some cookies. I'll put
them on the tree here. Would you buy them from
a girl who came to the door. Name is Joan
Q two. You think her father would dress her a
little better? You have a cookie?
Speaker 5 (19:10):
Mary, No, it'll spoil my dinner. Oh that reminds me.
As long as I'm staying here, I better call my
maid and tell her I won't be home, okay, d.
Speaker 3 (19:24):
Don't Hello, Hello, Pauline, this is MS Livingston. Well, I
won't be home for dinner, so I thought you'd like
to know you could have, Pauline.
Speaker 5 (19:32):
Are you still crying? Pauline?
Speaker 3 (19:35):
You gotta get a grip on yourself. You've been carrying
on like this all week.
Speaker 5 (19:39):
Now. Look, he's married, on his way.
Speaker 3 (19:41):
To Honolula and there's nothing you could do about it.
Speaker 5 (19:46):
Goodbye.
Speaker 1 (19:48):
What's wrong?
Speaker 4 (19:48):
Mary?
Speaker 1 (19:49):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (19:49):
That made of mine just because Clark Gable got married.
She's been crying for five days.
Speaker 1 (19:56):
Five days. That's ridiculous.
Speaker 5 (19:58):
Certainly I got over it in two.
Speaker 1 (20:02):
Everybody makes such a fuss about Gable. Mary, let me
ask you something. What's Clark Gable got that? I know? Now,
I'd be a fool to throw you a lead like that.
You sure would, Oh, Mary home, mister Benny. Merry Christmas? Oh, Dennis,
(20:24):
I didn't see her. When'd you get here? I came
in with Phil? With Phil, I was quite a while ago.
Where have you been?
Speaker 3 (20:33):
Well?
Speaker 13 (20:33):
I sneaked upstairs and put your Christmas present under your pillow?
Speaker 4 (20:36):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (20:37):
What took you so long?
Speaker 13 (20:38):
I fell asleep, Say mister Benny. I'd like to thank
you for the present you sent me, but I'm.
Speaker 1 (20:45):
All confused, confused why all the packages.
Speaker 13 (20:48):
Got mixed up and the tags fell off? And I
don't know who sent me?
Speaker 3 (20:50):
What?
Speaker 4 (20:52):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (20:52):
All the cards fell off?
Speaker 4 (20:54):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (20:55):
Well look kid? Did you uh uh? Did you get
a wristwatch? A beautiful one, sod gold? Well, take my
card and put it on left. Now let's wait a minute.
Speaker 5 (21:07):
Huh, Dennis, I'll tell you what Jack gave you? What else?
Did you get?
Speaker 13 (21:12):
A portable radio, a cigarette lighter, a candid camera, a
silk bathroom, a golf ball?
Speaker 5 (21:16):
Bingo? Dennis, Jack gave you that golf ball.
Speaker 4 (21:24):
Oh?
Speaker 13 (21:26):
I thought it was kind of funny about mister Benny
giving me the Wristwatch why on the back is engraved
to Dennis for mother and dad.
Speaker 1 (21:37):
Look, Dennis, on Christmas, it isn't what you get that counts,
it's the spirit in which it was given.
Speaker 13 (21:43):
Every year, he says the same thing.
Speaker 1 (21:46):
Certainly, I say it because it's true. More people felt
that way. And where are you? Oh? Anything can happen
(22:10):
on Christmas Day? God, Come on, Mary, we'll go to dinner.
Speaker 5 (22:14):
Dennis, do you want to have dinner with us? Oh?
Speaker 1 (22:16):
Yeah, that'd be swelling.
Speaker 13 (22:17):
And after dinner we can all sit around the fire.
Speaker 1 (22:19):
And Dennis, Dennis, come here a minute, yes, sir, over here.
I love kidd There's an old saying two is company
and three is a crowd. You know what I mean? Yeah,
but how can we get rid of Marry? You nearly
(22:40):
lost that one? Well, all right, Rochester, that'll be the
three of us for dinner. Come on, kids. Yeah, I'm hungry.
Speaker 5 (22:50):
Oh tell my Oh.
Speaker 1 (22:51):
Rochester has those big raw carrots. I love them.
Speaker 5 (22:54):
I like the small carrot, I like the big ones.
Speaker 1 (22:56):
We always argue about that. I'm Marry. You sit here,
and Dennis you sit over there. There we are a Rochester.
You can get people, Dennis. What happened?
Speaker 13 (23:09):
I rolled off the chair, had the golf ball in
my back pocket.
Speaker 1 (23:14):
Now, Rochester, we're waiting, coming, Boss, coming.
Speaker 4 (23:29):
Well.
Speaker 1 (23:29):
Rochester has been a very nice Christmas Eve. The gang
dropped in, we had a quiet dinner and now they've
gone home. Believe me, I'm ready for bed. Yes, sir,
Wait a minute, Boss, I'll PLoP up your pillow for you.
It's a matter of Rochester. There's a package up here.
Oh yes, it's from Dennis. It's my Christmas present. We'll
open it, open it okay. Oh, well, this is lovely,
(23:56):
a beautiful electric alarm clock. And instead of numbers around
the face, that has twelve letters that spell out Jackson, Benny. Yeah,
sure's nice all. I might as well start using it
right now. Rochester. You said it to the right time,
and I'll plug it in.
Speaker 7 (24:09):
Okay, it's eleven thirty.
Speaker 1 (24:12):
Now, so I'll set it to Oh I'm sorry, Rochester,
I didn't Rochester. Rochester. Oh my goodness, Rochester speaks to me.
What are you laughing at?
Speaker 7 (24:32):
The lights lit up on a Christmas tree?
Speaker 1 (24:35):
Oh, Gord, Gord, Marry Christmas, Rochester, my Christmas Boss, And
now ladies and gentlemen, Dennis Day will sing Schubert's Ava Maria.
Speaker 3 (25:10):
Oh.
Speaker 4 (25:14):
May oh holy mo.
Speaker 12 (25:31):
Adrasi marieograsily.
Speaker 4 (25:45):
For of it.
Speaker 12 (25:54):
O wo sequel and eighty hostile.
Speaker 4 (26:03):
In woody a lady a.
Speaker 12 (26:18):
Nady could go to then then tis too.
Speaker 1 (26:28):
He wol.
Speaker 6 (26:36):
Oh mom, molly.
Speaker 12 (27:14):
Moa w from nodies hey reboot for a for rahafrono, oh.
Speaker 4 (27:40):
Rah fron.
Speaker 12 (27:46):
He got a reboo.
Speaker 6 (27:53):
In who.
Speaker 4 (27:58):
In a hole?
Speaker 12 (28:00):
Oh Ramore is not straight.
Speaker 4 (28:07):
In the whole Rab's not he is not.
Speaker 12 (28:16):
No more, He's no.
Speaker 1 (28:22):
Straight.
Speaker 4 (28:31):
Mone oh.
Speaker 1 (28:52):
Money, Merry Christmas, everybody. This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting
(29:16):
System
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