August 5, 2025 • 26 mins
A legendary variety show blending witty monologues, comic sketches, and musical interludes, all anchored by the impeccable timing of its beloved host. It’s a masterclass in comedic timing.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
A Jack Benny program starring Jack Benny with Mary Levingston,
Bill Harris, Rochester, Larry Stevens.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
When you're through me, Don Wilson, This.
Speaker 1 (00:29):
Is the night before Christmas and a Jack Benny's house.
There are presents for all, even cheese for the mouse.
Speaker 2 (00:36):
Jack is up on a chair. Then he's down on
his knee. But you have to do that when you're
trimming a tree.
Speaker 1 (00:47):
Well, we're all through Mary. He was nicey to come
over and help me trim the tree.
Speaker 3 (00:50):
Well, if I didn't, you never get it done. So jah,
Shall I put the snow around the bottom?
Speaker 4 (00:54):
Now?
Speaker 1 (00:55):
Not yet, I want to see if the lights are working.
I'll hold up the balls and when I say, ready,
you plug it in.
Speaker 3 (01:00):
Okay, ready?
Speaker 1 (01:02):
Ready? Pulling out?
Speaker 3 (01:05):
Oh my goodness, Oh Jack, why did you make me
shut it off? Those lights were so pretty, especially those
(01:25):
two blue ones that kept flashing on and off.
Speaker 1 (01:29):
Those were my eyes. I'm holding on to a bare wire.
Speaker 3 (01:35):
Well, it's your own fall. Every time you pull around electricity,
something goes wrong.
Speaker 1 (01:39):
Does no I know plenty about electricity?
Speaker 5 (01:41):
Oh sure?
Speaker 3 (01:42):
Remember what happened two years ago when you fixed your doorbell?
Speaker 1 (01:45):
What happened?
Speaker 3 (01:45):
I pushed the button and burned down Crosbie's house.
Speaker 1 (01:52):
Oh stop exaggerating anyway, Hand me that roll of tape.
Give me that tape. I'll fix this fare wire right now. Hey, yeah,
comes elect City. I know what I'm doing. See when
you see a bear wire, you just tape it up
like like fizz, and that weighs and insulated against outside elements.
There that ought to be enough tape. All right, Mary
(02:13):
plugging in?
Speaker 5 (02:13):
Okay, for I have him?
Speaker 3 (02:31):
Say what happened?
Speaker 5 (02:33):
Jack?
Speaker 1 (02:33):
I take my finger to the wire. That's what happened.
Speaker 3 (02:41):
Oh gee, and that time it is even prettier than before.
Speaker 1 (02:45):
What do you mean your nose let up too?
Speaker 4 (02:49):
He did not.
Speaker 1 (02:50):
Let's get this tree finished before the gang gets here.
Speaker 3 (02:52):
But Jack, what about the light?
Speaker 1 (02:53):
We'll have to let that go until later. Now have
many one of those? What is the Rochester that.
Speaker 2 (02:58):
Taste like you told me to? Good?
Speaker 1 (03:00):
Did you have enough whipped cream to spell out Merry
Christmas on top?
Speaker 6 (03:03):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (03:04):
Say boss?
Speaker 5 (03:05):
How many odds?
Speaker 1 (03:06):
And Mary too?
Speaker 4 (03:08):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (03:09):
So you better add one?
Speaker 6 (03:10):
Add one, I better puss one out.
Speaker 2 (03:12):
I got three?
Speaker 1 (03:15):
Well leave it. It's better than ruining the cake.
Speaker 5 (03:17):
Okay, Oh Rochester.
Speaker 3 (03:18):
Would you please take these Christmas tree lights and tax them,
vix them.
Speaker 1 (03:21):
Yes, I ain't palling around with electricity. What are you
afraid of?
Speaker 6 (03:26):
I ain't gonna get a hit fun nothing.
Speaker 1 (03:27):
I can't hit back, Oh, Roger, imagine being afraid of electricity.
Suppose Robert Fulton was afraid of electricity, he never would
have invented the electric light.
Speaker 3 (03:44):
What a yeah, if you're thinking of Thomas Edison.
Speaker 1 (03:47):
Edison, well, then what did Robert Fulton do?
Speaker 6 (03:49):
He said, don't get off the ship.
Speaker 2 (03:53):
That was John Paul Jones.
Speaker 1 (03:55):
Now let's not start that again. Now, Rochester, please fix
these lights.
Speaker 6 (03:59):
Okay, let's see. Now in electricity, there's the electrons and
the electroves. Then there's the positive and the negatives. But
I am positive? Which one is negative? Then there's the atoms.
(04:19):
Now the atoms are supposed to go from the positive
to the negatives. Or maybe they go from the electrons
to the electroves. Then again, maybe they go from matchis
to mobile.
Speaker 1 (04:35):
Rochester.
Speaker 6 (04:37):
Now, as long as these atoms keep passing each other,
everything is all right. Yeah, But when they meet halfway
and start fighting, they're gonna turn on anybody who tries
the button.
Speaker 1 (04:46):
Rochester, I'm not interested in the scientific details. I just
want you to fix those lights. And I promise you,
why you're holding the wires. No one in this room
will turn on the switch.
Speaker 6 (04:54):
I know. Boys, while I'm holding the wire, you ain't
gonna turn on the switch. And missus Lewison ain't gonna
turn on the switch, of course. Not Way up at
Balladam is a little man sitting in a room with
bound the wires.
Speaker 5 (05:06):
What I don't know.
Speaker 6 (05:07):
He ain't gonna do something just to break the monotony.
Speaker 1 (05:13):
All right, I'll fix it myself. Go back in the kitchen.
Come in. I'm looking from mister Benny, mister Jack Bennie me. Yes,
but you're a policeman well.
Speaker 7 (05:25):
Now worthy in her This blue uniform has given me
a wagon.
Speaker 1 (05:28):
But uh, but but Officer Mary say something. But but officer,
is that all you can say?
Speaker 3 (05:36):
That's all you said?
Speaker 1 (05:39):
Now now, Officers to Penny, I has to be doing
this to you on Christmas Eve. But I have a
complaint about you disturbing the peace last week at Moore's
apartment store and Moore's Oh that well, officer, that wasn't
my fall at all. He's the first I had trouble
with some crazy poor walker who kept howering, stopped breathing
on my carnation, and then a little sort please I'm
writing it down, yes, sir, how many ares in condition one?
(06:04):
And then some silly guy kept following me around asking
me what I thought I ought to buy his wife
for Christmas. Now I didn't mind it the first time,
but the second time, but he kept hounding me. And
just before the real trouble started, I was standing by
the perfume counter when all of us I was trying
to buy some perfume for my sister Florence.
Speaker 8 (06:20):
He is your change.
Speaker 1 (06:21):
Thank you, Come on, Mary, let's go over.
Speaker 8 (06:22):
I thank you.
Speaker 1 (06:23):
Mister. Oh it's you again. What do you think I
ought to buy my wife for Christmas? I told you before,
I don't know what you should buy your wife for Christmas.
Figure it out yourself. Figured it out yourself, he says,
figure it out yourself. Fine, Christmas. Parents. Look, I don't
care what you buy your wife for Christmas. Don't buy
her anything. Don't buy her anything. We've been married for
twelve years.
Speaker 7 (06:41):
What are you trying to do?
Speaker 1 (06:42):
Break us up? Look? I don't know your wife. I've
never seen your Wife's going on.
Speaker 3 (06:46):
Here what's the trouble that man's been caught stealing somebody's wife.
What's your age?
Speaker 1 (06:50):
Your gray haired wolves?
Speaker 5 (06:54):
Now wait a minute one time, let's be through what's
going on here?
Speaker 1 (06:59):
What's going Oh it's you, my little jupy with the
droopy swoopy. Now cut that out, and don't blame me
for this, because it's not breathing on my cardination. I'll
bring on as much as I like.
Speaker 4 (07:12):
Check up everybody.
Speaker 2 (07:13):
The man's got right on that. And this is all
your form.
Speaker 1 (07:15):
It ass me to buy your wife a Christmas for
all I carry, you can.
Speaker 2 (07:18):
Buy her a dog collar?
Speaker 1 (07:19):
What side?
Speaker 9 (07:21):
What side there?
Speaker 7 (07:21):
You areful to see what a crazy guy is?
Speaker 1 (07:23):
And you blame me why it's not my faul. I'm
not the type that would start trouble. I'm a peaceful
home man.
Speaker 4 (07:29):
Set up.
Speaker 5 (07:37):
Oh come on, Mary, let's.
Speaker 3 (07:38):
Get out here.
Speaker 1 (07:42):
And that's that's exactly what happened to officer. Believe me,
my god, it's amazing. It sounds nice, something you'd hear
on the radio.
Speaker 5 (07:51):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:53):
Well, I'm convinced a question took pass and I'm going
to forget her about this complainted de wishing you crooks.
Speaker 7 (07:57):
I'm Merry Christmas.
Speaker 1 (07:58):
The same to you, officer.
Speaker 5 (07:59):
I'm happy.
Speaker 1 (08:00):
Yeah, goodbye, say Mary. He was a nice fellow. Then
come on, Mary, let's put the presence around the tree
before the gang gets here. M M, well, well Mary,
(09:53):
we got all the packages under the tree. It looks nice.
Speaker 4 (09:56):
Doesn't take care?
Speaker 3 (09:57):
It does? Yeah, if you're not going to use a
Christmas tree like, let's you put on the candy cane.
Speaker 1 (10:01):
Okay, here's the box and you can Hey wait a minute,
I have twelve candy canes, and now they're only eleven.
Where's the other one.
Speaker 3 (10:10):
Don't look at me.
Speaker 1 (10:11):
I'm not looking at you. I'm asking you.
Speaker 5 (10:13):
All right, I ate it. Here's ten cents, Marty.
Speaker 1 (10:20):
I bet you'd be surprised if I took it.
Speaker 3 (10:22):
I wouldn't be surprised if you sued me.
Speaker 1 (10:25):
All right, let's get this finished.
Speaker 3 (10:27):
Yeah, you better pick out those lights off off the
floor before somebody steps on them.
Speaker 1 (10:31):
Oh yes, Now where can I put them? You're going?
I put these lights up here on the chair, this
chair right here, and Mary, here's Rochester's present. I forgot that.
Slip it under the tree. Boy will he'd be surprised, But.
Speaker 3 (10:42):
Yeah, colly be surprised. You've got toilet water written all
over the package.
Speaker 1 (10:46):
Well you gotta do that with Rochester. When he opens
the package and finds a pottle, he never stops to
read the label. Last last year, I gave him a
miniature ship and a bottle, and the mask stuck out
of his mouth for three days. Every time I asked
(11:07):
him something, he had to answer me through the crow's nest.
Believe me, Mary, I know what I'm doing.
Speaker 3 (11:14):
Well, Jack, I guess that does it? Trees all finished?
Speaker 1 (11:17):
Yeah? K it looks swell. I'm kind of tired. I
think I'll sit down for a minute and smoke a cigarette. Mary,
have you got a match? No? Oh?
Speaker 4 (11:25):
Well? Oh say boss?
Speaker 1 (11:27):
What is the Rochester?
Speaker 7 (11:28):
Are you a socks dry yet?
Speaker 1 (11:29):
My socks? I think so? Well.
Speaker 4 (11:31):
People will be there soon.
Speaker 6 (11:32):
You're better take him off the tree.
Speaker 1 (11:35):
Oh that's right, you take him off when your Rochester.
I'm tired. I want to sit here a while.
Speaker 6 (11:40):
Yes, sir, Hey, this tree looks all nice, but it's
kind of dark. Oh no, wonder the lights on clogged in?
Speaker 2 (11:48):
I'll fix that.
Speaker 1 (11:50):
Hold, for heaven's sake.
Speaker 5 (12:04):
What's the mattic?
Speaker 4 (12:04):
Jack?
Speaker 1 (12:05):
I was sitting on the wire. As long as you're here, Rochester,
give me a match.
Speaker 3 (12:11):
You don't eat it now your cigarette is lit.
Speaker 1 (12:19):
Oh yeah, thanks, Rochester.
Speaker 5 (12:21):
Gon't thank me, thank that little man.
Speaker 6 (12:22):
I'm a bowlder, dam.
Speaker 1 (12:26):
Rochester. I wonder how that guy had boulders. Damn knew.
I was saying, Oh, come in, hello, Phil, are you Jackson?
Speaker 4 (12:34):
Merry Christmas?
Speaker 1 (12:35):
Everybody?
Speaker 5 (12:36):
Hey Jackson?
Speaker 7 (12:37):
That Christmas tree looks terrific.
Speaker 1 (12:39):
Yeah, it is a nice tree, isn't it. Not only
that has grown about two feet since last year. Phil,
This isn't the same one, you don't, Phil. I believe
in the old fashioned way of getting a tree. I know,
when you get up early in the morning and bundle
yourself up warm and you're throwing axe over your shoulder
and go out in the woods, you know, way out
in the wilderness and chop down your old Christmas tree. Eh,
(13:02):
you're right, Jackson. Where'd you find this one?
Speaker 3 (13:04):
In the lobby of the Beverly Wilshire Hotel?
Speaker 1 (13:08):
You said it, Tim, Yes, sir, Hey Jackson, you want
to see the tree I got in my house. I
got it all decorated, and then right on top I
got a big red star. A red star. Phil is
supposed to be a silver Star.
Speaker 7 (13:20):
I know, but this way I get five red points.
Speaker 1 (13:24):
Oh, Harris, you humorous. You're the mark Train of your generation,
Mark Train Philips, Twain Twain, Wheelie Phil. After a gag
(13:47):
like that, you're lucky Santa doesn't scratch you with his claws.
They say that was pretty good too.
Speaker 3 (13:55):
Jn't bother sending us cracker jack Mother. We're now getting
corn by the time.
Speaker 1 (14:01):
Oh, I don't know, Mary, I thought I was pretty cute.
Hey Phil, what do you got in that package there?
Speaker 7 (14:04):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (14:05):
I forgot Jackson's a Christmas present for you for me? Yeah,
I'm me and the boys in the band all chipped
in and got it for you. Well, sang, thanks, I'll
put it under the tree. No, you don't know.
Speaker 7 (14:13):
You don't open it up right now.
Speaker 1 (14:14):
Okay, he was certainly nice of you and the boys
to think of me. No, I really didn't all, Phil sang, Gee,
a beautiful turtle, next sweater. Gee, we'll look inside of
it Jackson inside?
Speaker 3 (14:31):
Oh, oh Phil, what is it?
Speaker 9 (14:36):
Jack?
Speaker 1 (14:36):
A turtle? Find presence? Fix him? Imagine bring me a
turtle for being Garry. Come here, peil pail, sit down
on my chair. Well, thanks, Jackson. Are you are you comfortable?
Speaker 4 (14:58):
Pill?
Speaker 2 (14:59):
Sure? Good?
Speaker 4 (15:00):
Good?
Speaker 1 (15:01):
Mary? Marry pushing flock?
Speaker 4 (15:02):
Oh, Jack you wouldn't dare I leave the clock.
Speaker 1 (15:05):
I'll give it to myself. Hey Jackson, what about my present? Yes?
Speaker 2 (15:08):
It where you are?
Speaker 1 (15:08):
You don't get it. You'll get it as a surprise, Harry.
Watch him jump on two three?
Speaker 2 (15:16):
There?
Speaker 1 (15:22):
Phil, Phil, don't you feel anything?
Speaker 4 (15:24):
No?
Speaker 7 (15:24):
Why what about the surprise? What's the matter.
Speaker 3 (15:27):
We're having a little trouble at Boulder.
Speaker 1 (15:29):
Dam Mary, I can't understand what went wrong? Phil, stand
up a minute. Okay, let's see. There must be something
wrong with this I king to do to a guy
(15:59):
on Christmas scene.
Speaker 3 (16:00):
Well, you're a fault for trying to play a trick
on sale.
Speaker 5 (16:03):
Oh so that's today.
Speaker 1 (16:04):
Jackson's trying to give me a hot seat. Oh nothing fail.
I was just trying to have a little fun.
Speaker 5 (16:09):
Pull it out, pull it out?
Speaker 4 (16:11):
Yes?
Speaker 3 (16:11):
At the door down?
Speaker 2 (16:14):
Oh oh oh?
Speaker 1 (16:16):
Come in?
Speaker 4 (16:17):
Hi?
Speaker 2 (16:18):
You don hello Lari man, Larry.
Speaker 1 (16:21):
Hey, I'm glad.
Speaker 7 (16:22):
I'm glad you followed, were.
Speaker 4 (16:23):
Able to come over, We'll say, mister Benny, Yes, Larry.
Speaker 1 (16:26):
Well, last night I went to.
Speaker 6 (16:27):
The movies and I saw a picture called Hollywood canteen.
You did, yes, and you want to know something blah
you were in it?
Speaker 1 (16:35):
Yes, yes, I know, kid. I happened to see the
picture eight time.
Speaker 4 (16:42):
On the days he can't go, he sends me rock
catch please you and me.
Speaker 6 (16:48):
That's Steve Neller gets a chance to cool o.
Speaker 1 (16:51):
Never mind, we'll say Jack, I saw the picture too.
You did done, well done? Tell me how did my
violin solo go over? Well?
Speaker 2 (16:57):
Jack, this will amaze you. When they you started to play,
the man next to me got.
Speaker 1 (17:01):
All excited, and the dude, Oh, I get it done,
I get it. You don't have Okay, what the bet?
Speaker 4 (17:06):
I got the katin cabe on the table.
Speaker 1 (17:08):
Come on, fella, let's have a little bite.
Speaker 7 (17:11):
Wait okay what he holla?
Speaker 5 (17:13):
Take it easy, take it easy.
Speaker 7 (17:15):
There's enough for all.
Speaker 2 (17:16):
Yes, Oh, you don't have to crown.
Speaker 7 (17:18):
Just line up to the riding.
Speaker 6 (17:19):
Have you pick your stuff ready?
Speaker 1 (17:23):
Rochester? This is Christmas? Oh yes, excuse me now fellas?
Speaker 4 (17:28):
Hey, who can that be? Come in?
Speaker 2 (17:31):
Well, I'll be done?
Speaker 9 (17:34):
Who well?
Speaker 1 (17:50):
Well, well, what a surprise? Andy divine?
Speaker 4 (17:53):
Who do you think I won?
Speaker 3 (17:54):
Thanks for.
Speaker 1 (18:03):
Your voice and figure. Are both a little huskier, I
vega Hanny there's Don Wilson.
Speaker 4 (18:08):
Oh yeah, hello Skinny.
Speaker 7 (18:12):
Hello, fats all.
Speaker 1 (18:14):
The first time I ever heard a pop call a
pot a pot? Say Andy, Andie, how's your mother?
Speaker 5 (18:22):
Oh?
Speaker 4 (18:22):
She swelled buck.
Speaker 1 (18:23):
Hey, you know it's nice the way you think of
her every year. Oh, I always call my friends around
the holidays.
Speaker 4 (18:30):
Well, you don't have to worry about ma.
Speaker 2 (18:32):
Fuck.
Speaker 1 (18:33):
She wouldn't think of buying her Christmas cards from anyone else.
Speaker 7 (18:36):
But I know that's why I always.
Speaker 1 (18:41):
Throw in a couple of extra ones.
Speaker 4 (18:43):
Folk.
Speaker 6 (18:43):
Here's Oh hell is a divine Hello Rochester.
Speaker 7 (18:47):
I'm glad you dropped in on the bass.
Speaker 5 (18:49):
Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without you.
Speaker 4 (18:50):
Well, thanks, Ronch.
Speaker 6 (18:51):
You know the holidays wouldn't be the same if I
didn't see all of you foolks.
Speaker 1 (18:56):
Those are the two voices that drove gravel Gerdy into hiding.
Speaker 7 (19:05):
Say come on, Andy, you're just the.
Speaker 1 (19:06):
Time to have a bite to eat and listen. I've
been saving a bottle of champagne just for this occasion.
Let's drink a toll champagne. Come on, follows everybody a Rochester,
give me that bottle of champagne. Yeah, boss, no, I'll
open it myself. Thank you. Now, let's see m Champagne.
(19:27):
Corks are so tight.
Speaker 5 (19:29):
Mm e.
Speaker 1 (19:30):
They're hard to get loose.
Speaker 3 (19:36):
Over a dot. Just stand they pull a cork out.
Speaker 2 (19:40):
Of his mouth.
Speaker 1 (19:44):
He hold your head still, Jackson, I'll pull a cork.
Speaker 3 (19:46):
Out, jack Jack say something.
Speaker 1 (20:06):
Here, Rochester, Rochester, fill of glasses.
Speaker 7 (20:08):
Yes, hey, fellas, how about a toast?
Speaker 4 (20:11):
I got one?
Speaker 1 (20:12):
Go ahead, Andy, a toast? Go ahead.
Speaker 2 (20:13):
Here's to you, Buck, Mary filling the whole game.
Speaker 1 (20:17):
We've been friends for a long time, and I hope
it always stays that way.
Speaker 4 (20:21):
Mary, Mary.
Speaker 3 (20:26):
Yeah, can I give a toast to sure?
Speaker 2 (20:28):
Sure?
Speaker 1 (20:28):
Go right ahead, Mary.
Speaker 3 (20:29):
I'm Merry Christmas to everyone everywhere.
Speaker 1 (20:32):
Yeah, Marry Christmas, everybody, Marry.
Speaker 7 (20:35):
Marry Hey, kyk tax how about a post from you me?
Speaker 1 (20:49):
Yeah, I'd like to give a toast to don. This
is a toes to a lot of fellas I met
in Africa, Europe and the South Pasciffici and to all
you are boys out there. I wasn't lucky enough to
meet fellas. This is Christmas Eve, a time for happiness
and good fellowship, a time when our hearts should be
(21:10):
humble and forgiving. But this is war, and I've seen
what you boys are up against on both sides of
the world. I know the Christmas spirit must seem a
very distant thing when you're crouched in a muddy foxhole
or wading through the half frozen slush. I know too,
that there's very little to remind you of Christmas inside
(21:30):
a stifling tank or in the icy cockpit of a
B twenty nine six miles above Tokyo. Maybe you feel
it is something you lost long long ago, because the
only Christmas lights you see are the burst of shells
or the flashing path cut by tracer bullets. But Christmas
(21:51):
is a spirit, a spirit that springs from within and
is so strong it transcends even the ugly scenes of
a battlefield and fills the soul with a passion to
defend the things that are right and just. You are
the ones who have gone to the ends of the
earth to preserve the freedom you know belongs to every man.
(22:14):
They hasten the day when all mankind can once again
live in dignity and in peace. Oh, here's to your fellows.
Merry Christmas and God bless you all.
Speaker 4 (22:35):
Come hop.
Speaker 8 (22:40):
Yl on me and bay.
Speaker 4 (23:06):
Come him a bar him to ply them astill on
(23:48):
the by andres most storm. He had him the barges
at thet all full sanies, all as no Oh, lovely
(25:13):
oh is called boner round Charly stlan Mo.
Speaker 9 (25:46):
Sleepvanly, sleee.
Speaker 4 (26:02):
In uhle
Speaker 1 (26:12):
The night faulks
A Jack Benny program starring Jack Benny with Mary Levingston,
Bill Harris, Rochester, Larry Stevens.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
When you're through me, Don Wilson, This.
Speaker 1 (00:29):
Is the night before Christmas and a Jack Benny's house.
There are presents for all, even cheese for the mouse.
Speaker 2 (00:36):
Jack is up on a chair. Then he's down on
his knee. But you have to do that when you're
trimming a tree.
Speaker 1 (00:47):
Well, we're all through Mary. He was nicey to come
over and help me trim the tree.
Speaker 3 (00:50):
Well, if I didn't, you never get it done. So jah,
Shall I put the snow around the bottom?
Speaker 4 (00:54):
Now?
Speaker 1 (00:55):
Not yet, I want to see if the lights are working.
I'll hold up the balls and when I say, ready,
you plug it in.
Speaker 3 (01:00):
Okay, ready?
Speaker 1 (01:02):
Ready? Pulling out?
Speaker 3 (01:05):
Oh my goodness, Oh Jack, why did you make me
shut it off? Those lights were so pretty, especially those
(01:25):
two blue ones that kept flashing on and off.
Speaker 1 (01:29):
Those were my eyes. I'm holding on to a bare wire.
Speaker 3 (01:35):
Well, it's your own fall. Every time you pull around electricity,
something goes wrong.
Speaker 1 (01:39):
Does no I know plenty about electricity?
Speaker 5 (01:41):
Oh sure?
Speaker 3 (01:42):
Remember what happened two years ago when you fixed your doorbell?
Speaker 1 (01:45):
What happened?
Speaker 3 (01:45):
I pushed the button and burned down Crosbie's house.
Speaker 1 (01:52):
Oh stop exaggerating anyway, Hand me that roll of tape.
Give me that tape. I'll fix this fare wire right now. Hey, yeah,
comes elect City. I know what I'm doing. See when
you see a bear wire, you just tape it up
like like fizz, and that weighs and insulated against outside elements.
There that ought to be enough tape. All right, Mary
(02:13):
plugging in?
Speaker 5 (02:13):
Okay, for I have him?
Speaker 3 (02:31):
Say what happened?
Speaker 5 (02:33):
Jack?
Speaker 1 (02:33):
I take my finger to the wire. That's what happened.
Speaker 3 (02:41):
Oh gee, and that time it is even prettier than before.
Speaker 1 (02:45):
What do you mean your nose let up too?
Speaker 4 (02:49):
He did not.
Speaker 1 (02:50):
Let's get this tree finished before the gang gets here.
Speaker 3 (02:52):
But Jack, what about the light?
Speaker 1 (02:53):
We'll have to let that go until later. Now have
many one of those? What is the Rochester that.
Speaker 2 (02:58):
Taste like you told me to? Good?
Speaker 1 (03:00):
Did you have enough whipped cream to spell out Merry
Christmas on top?
Speaker 6 (03:03):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (03:04):
Say boss?
Speaker 5 (03:05):
How many odds?
Speaker 1 (03:06):
And Mary too?
Speaker 4 (03:08):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (03:09):
So you better add one?
Speaker 6 (03:10):
Add one, I better puss one out.
Speaker 2 (03:12):
I got three?
Speaker 1 (03:15):
Well leave it. It's better than ruining the cake.
Speaker 5 (03:17):
Okay, Oh Rochester.
Speaker 3 (03:18):
Would you please take these Christmas tree lights and tax them,
vix them.
Speaker 1 (03:21):
Yes, I ain't palling around with electricity. What are you
afraid of?
Speaker 6 (03:26):
I ain't gonna get a hit fun nothing.
Speaker 1 (03:27):
I can't hit back, Oh, Roger, imagine being afraid of electricity.
Suppose Robert Fulton was afraid of electricity, he never would
have invented the electric light.
Speaker 3 (03:44):
What a yeah, if you're thinking of Thomas Edison.
Speaker 1 (03:47):
Edison, well, then what did Robert Fulton do?
Speaker 6 (03:49):
He said, don't get off the ship.
Speaker 2 (03:53):
That was John Paul Jones.
Speaker 1 (03:55):
Now let's not start that again. Now, Rochester, please fix
these lights.
Speaker 6 (03:59):
Okay, let's see. Now in electricity, there's the electrons and
the electroves. Then there's the positive and the negatives. But
I am positive? Which one is negative? Then there's the atoms.
(04:19):
Now the atoms are supposed to go from the positive
to the negatives. Or maybe they go from the electrons
to the electroves. Then again, maybe they go from matchis
to mobile.
Speaker 1 (04:35):
Rochester.
Speaker 6 (04:37):
Now, as long as these atoms keep passing each other,
everything is all right. Yeah, But when they meet halfway
and start fighting, they're gonna turn on anybody who tries
the button.
Speaker 1 (04:46):
Rochester, I'm not interested in the scientific details. I just
want you to fix those lights. And I promise you,
why you're holding the wires. No one in this room
will turn on the switch.
Speaker 6 (04:54):
I know. Boys, while I'm holding the wire, you ain't
gonna turn on the switch. And missus Lewison ain't gonna
turn on the switch, of course. Not Way up at
Balladam is a little man sitting in a room with
bound the wires.
Speaker 5 (05:06):
What I don't know.
Speaker 6 (05:07):
He ain't gonna do something just to break the monotony.
Speaker 1 (05:13):
All right, I'll fix it myself. Go back in the kitchen.
Come in. I'm looking from mister Benny, mister Jack Bennie me. Yes,
but you're a policeman well.
Speaker 7 (05:25):
Now worthy in her This blue uniform has given me
a wagon.
Speaker 1 (05:28):
But uh, but but Officer Mary say something. But but officer,
is that all you can say?
Speaker 3 (05:36):
That's all you said?
Speaker 1 (05:39):
Now now, Officers to Penny, I has to be doing
this to you on Christmas Eve. But I have a
complaint about you disturbing the peace last week at Moore's
apartment store and Moore's Oh that well, officer, that wasn't
my fall at all. He's the first I had trouble
with some crazy poor walker who kept howering, stopped breathing
on my carnation, and then a little sort please I'm
writing it down, yes, sir, how many ares in condition one?
(06:04):
And then some silly guy kept following me around asking
me what I thought I ought to buy his wife
for Christmas. Now I didn't mind it the first time,
but the second time, but he kept hounding me. And
just before the real trouble started, I was standing by
the perfume counter when all of us I was trying
to buy some perfume for my sister Florence.
Speaker 8 (06:20):
He is your change.
Speaker 1 (06:21):
Thank you, Come on, Mary, let's go over.
Speaker 8 (06:22):
I thank you.
Speaker 1 (06:23):
Mister. Oh it's you again. What do you think I
ought to buy my wife for Christmas? I told you before,
I don't know what you should buy your wife for Christmas.
Figure it out yourself. Figured it out yourself, he says,
figure it out yourself. Fine, Christmas. Parents. Look, I don't
care what you buy your wife for Christmas. Don't buy
her anything. Don't buy her anything. We've been married for
twelve years.
Speaker 7 (06:41):
What are you trying to do?
Speaker 1 (06:42):
Break us up? Look? I don't know your wife. I've
never seen your Wife's going on.
Speaker 3 (06:46):
Here what's the trouble that man's been caught stealing somebody's wife.
What's your age?
Speaker 1 (06:50):
Your gray haired wolves?
Speaker 5 (06:54):
Now wait a minute one time, let's be through what's
going on here?
Speaker 1 (06:59):
What's going Oh it's you, my little jupy with the
droopy swoopy. Now cut that out, and don't blame me
for this, because it's not breathing on my cardination. I'll
bring on as much as I like.
Speaker 4 (07:12):
Check up everybody.
Speaker 2 (07:13):
The man's got right on that. And this is all
your form.
Speaker 1 (07:15):
It ass me to buy your wife a Christmas for
all I carry, you can.
Speaker 2 (07:18):
Buy her a dog collar?
Speaker 1 (07:19):
What side?
Speaker 9 (07:21):
What side there?
Speaker 7 (07:21):
You areful to see what a crazy guy is?
Speaker 1 (07:23):
And you blame me why it's not my faul. I'm
not the type that would start trouble. I'm a peaceful
home man.
Speaker 4 (07:29):
Set up.
Speaker 5 (07:37):
Oh come on, Mary, let's.
Speaker 3 (07:38):
Get out here.
Speaker 1 (07:42):
And that's that's exactly what happened to officer. Believe me,
my god, it's amazing. It sounds nice, something you'd hear
on the radio.
Speaker 5 (07:51):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:53):
Well, I'm convinced a question took pass and I'm going
to forget her about this complainted de wishing you crooks.
Speaker 7 (07:57):
I'm Merry Christmas.
Speaker 1 (07:58):
The same to you, officer.
Speaker 5 (07:59):
I'm happy.
Speaker 1 (08:00):
Yeah, goodbye, say Mary. He was a nice fellow. Then
come on, Mary, let's put the presence around the tree
before the gang gets here. M M, well, well Mary,
(09:53):
we got all the packages under the tree. It looks nice.
Speaker 4 (09:56):
Doesn't take care?
Speaker 3 (09:57):
It does? Yeah, if you're not going to use a
Christmas tree like, let's you put on the candy cane.
Speaker 1 (10:01):
Okay, here's the box and you can Hey wait a minute,
I have twelve candy canes, and now they're only eleven.
Where's the other one.
Speaker 3 (10:10):
Don't look at me.
Speaker 1 (10:11):
I'm not looking at you. I'm asking you.
Speaker 5 (10:13):
All right, I ate it. Here's ten cents, Marty.
Speaker 1 (10:20):
I bet you'd be surprised if I took it.
Speaker 3 (10:22):
I wouldn't be surprised if you sued me.
Speaker 1 (10:25):
All right, let's get this finished.
Speaker 3 (10:27):
Yeah, you better pick out those lights off off the
floor before somebody steps on them.
Speaker 1 (10:31):
Oh yes, Now where can I put them? You're going?
I put these lights up here on the chair, this
chair right here, and Mary, here's Rochester's present. I forgot that.
Slip it under the tree. Boy will he'd be surprised, But.
Speaker 3 (10:42):
Yeah, colly be surprised. You've got toilet water written all
over the package.
Speaker 1 (10:46):
Well you gotta do that with Rochester. When he opens
the package and finds a pottle, he never stops to
read the label. Last last year, I gave him a
miniature ship and a bottle, and the mask stuck out
of his mouth for three days. Every time I asked
(11:07):
him something, he had to answer me through the crow's nest.
Believe me, Mary, I know what I'm doing.
Speaker 3 (11:14):
Well, Jack, I guess that does it? Trees all finished?
Speaker 1 (11:17):
Yeah? K it looks swell. I'm kind of tired. I
think I'll sit down for a minute and smoke a cigarette. Mary,
have you got a match? No? Oh?
Speaker 4 (11:25):
Well? Oh say boss?
Speaker 1 (11:27):
What is the Rochester?
Speaker 7 (11:28):
Are you a socks dry yet?
Speaker 1 (11:29):
My socks? I think so? Well.
Speaker 4 (11:31):
People will be there soon.
Speaker 6 (11:32):
You're better take him off the tree.
Speaker 1 (11:35):
Oh that's right, you take him off when your Rochester.
I'm tired. I want to sit here a while.
Speaker 6 (11:40):
Yes, sir, Hey, this tree looks all nice, but it's
kind of dark. Oh no, wonder the lights on clogged in?
Speaker 2 (11:48):
I'll fix that.
Speaker 1 (11:50):
Hold, for heaven's sake.
Speaker 5 (12:04):
What's the mattic?
Speaker 4 (12:04):
Jack?
Speaker 1 (12:05):
I was sitting on the wire. As long as you're here, Rochester,
give me a match.
Speaker 3 (12:11):
You don't eat it now your cigarette is lit.
Speaker 1 (12:19):
Oh yeah, thanks, Rochester.
Speaker 5 (12:21):
Gon't thank me, thank that little man.
Speaker 6 (12:22):
I'm a bowlder, dam.
Speaker 1 (12:26):
Rochester. I wonder how that guy had boulders. Damn knew.
I was saying, Oh, come in, hello, Phil, are you Jackson?
Speaker 4 (12:34):
Merry Christmas?
Speaker 1 (12:35):
Everybody?
Speaker 5 (12:36):
Hey Jackson?
Speaker 7 (12:37):
That Christmas tree looks terrific.
Speaker 1 (12:39):
Yeah, it is a nice tree, isn't it. Not only
that has grown about two feet since last year. Phil,
This isn't the same one, you don't, Phil. I believe
in the old fashioned way of getting a tree. I know,
when you get up early in the morning and bundle
yourself up warm and you're throwing axe over your shoulder
and go out in the woods, you know, way out
in the wilderness and chop down your old Christmas tree. Eh,
(13:02):
you're right, Jackson. Where'd you find this one?
Speaker 3 (13:04):
In the lobby of the Beverly Wilshire Hotel?
Speaker 1 (13:08):
You said it, Tim, Yes, sir, Hey Jackson, you want
to see the tree I got in my house. I
got it all decorated, and then right on top I
got a big red star. A red star. Phil is
supposed to be a silver Star.
Speaker 7 (13:20):
I know, but this way I get five red points.
Speaker 1 (13:24):
Oh, Harris, you humorous. You're the mark Train of your generation,
Mark Train Philips, Twain Twain, Wheelie Phil. After a gag
(13:47):
like that, you're lucky Santa doesn't scratch you with his claws.
They say that was pretty good too.
Speaker 3 (13:55):
Jn't bother sending us cracker jack Mother. We're now getting
corn by the time.
Speaker 1 (14:01):
Oh, I don't know, Mary, I thought I was pretty cute.
Hey Phil, what do you got in that package there?
Speaker 7 (14:04):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (14:05):
I forgot Jackson's a Christmas present for you for me? Yeah,
I'm me and the boys in the band all chipped
in and got it for you. Well, sang, thanks, I'll
put it under the tree. No, you don't know.
Speaker 7 (14:13):
You don't open it up right now.
Speaker 1 (14:14):
Okay, he was certainly nice of you and the boys
to think of me. No, I really didn't all, Phil sang, Gee,
a beautiful turtle, next sweater. Gee, we'll look inside of
it Jackson inside?
Speaker 3 (14:31):
Oh, oh Phil, what is it?
Speaker 9 (14:36):
Jack?
Speaker 1 (14:36):
A turtle? Find presence? Fix him? Imagine bring me a
turtle for being Garry. Come here, peil pail, sit down
on my chair. Well, thanks, Jackson. Are you are you comfortable?
Speaker 4 (14:58):
Pill?
Speaker 2 (14:59):
Sure? Good?
Speaker 4 (15:00):
Good?
Speaker 1 (15:01):
Mary? Marry pushing flock?
Speaker 4 (15:02):
Oh, Jack you wouldn't dare I leave the clock.
Speaker 1 (15:05):
I'll give it to myself. Hey Jackson, what about my present? Yes?
Speaker 2 (15:08):
It where you are?
Speaker 1 (15:08):
You don't get it. You'll get it as a surprise, Harry.
Watch him jump on two three?
Speaker 2 (15:16):
There?
Speaker 1 (15:22):
Phil, Phil, don't you feel anything?
Speaker 4 (15:24):
No?
Speaker 7 (15:24):
Why what about the surprise? What's the matter.
Speaker 3 (15:27):
We're having a little trouble at Boulder.
Speaker 1 (15:29):
Dam Mary, I can't understand what went wrong? Phil, stand
up a minute. Okay, let's see. There must be something
wrong with this I king to do to a guy
(15:59):
on Christmas scene.
Speaker 3 (16:00):
Well, you're a fault for trying to play a trick
on sale.
Speaker 5 (16:03):
Oh so that's today.
Speaker 1 (16:04):
Jackson's trying to give me a hot seat. Oh nothing fail.
I was just trying to have a little fun.
Speaker 5 (16:09):
Pull it out, pull it out?
Speaker 4 (16:11):
Yes?
Speaker 3 (16:11):
At the door down?
Speaker 2 (16:14):
Oh oh oh?
Speaker 1 (16:16):
Come in?
Speaker 4 (16:17):
Hi?
Speaker 2 (16:18):
You don hello Lari man, Larry.
Speaker 1 (16:21):
Hey, I'm glad.
Speaker 7 (16:22):
I'm glad you followed, were.
Speaker 4 (16:23):
Able to come over, We'll say, mister Benny, Yes, Larry.
Speaker 1 (16:26):
Well, last night I went to.
Speaker 6 (16:27):
The movies and I saw a picture called Hollywood canteen.
You did, yes, and you want to know something blah
you were in it?
Speaker 1 (16:35):
Yes, yes, I know, kid. I happened to see the
picture eight time.
Speaker 4 (16:42):
On the days he can't go, he sends me rock
catch please you and me.
Speaker 6 (16:48):
That's Steve Neller gets a chance to cool o.
Speaker 1 (16:51):
Never mind, we'll say Jack, I saw the picture too.
You did done, well done? Tell me how did my
violin solo go over? Well?
Speaker 2 (16:57):
Jack, this will amaze you. When they you started to play,
the man next to me got.
Speaker 1 (17:01):
All excited, and the dude, Oh, I get it done,
I get it. You don't have Okay, what the bet?
Speaker 4 (17:06):
I got the katin cabe on the table.
Speaker 1 (17:08):
Come on, fella, let's have a little bite.
Speaker 7 (17:11):
Wait okay what he holla?
Speaker 5 (17:13):
Take it easy, take it easy.
Speaker 7 (17:15):
There's enough for all.
Speaker 2 (17:16):
Yes, Oh, you don't have to crown.
Speaker 7 (17:18):
Just line up to the riding.
Speaker 6 (17:19):
Have you pick your stuff ready?
Speaker 1 (17:23):
Rochester? This is Christmas? Oh yes, excuse me now fellas?
Speaker 4 (17:28):
Hey, who can that be? Come in?
Speaker 2 (17:31):
Well, I'll be done?
Speaker 9 (17:34):
Who well?
Speaker 1 (17:50):
Well, well, what a surprise? Andy divine?
Speaker 4 (17:53):
Who do you think I won?
Speaker 3 (17:54):
Thanks for.
Speaker 1 (18:03):
Your voice and figure. Are both a little huskier, I
vega Hanny there's Don Wilson.
Speaker 4 (18:08):
Oh yeah, hello Skinny.
Speaker 7 (18:12):
Hello, fats all.
Speaker 1 (18:14):
The first time I ever heard a pop call a
pot a pot? Say Andy, Andie, how's your mother?
Speaker 5 (18:22):
Oh?
Speaker 4 (18:22):
She swelled buck.
Speaker 1 (18:23):
Hey, you know it's nice the way you think of
her every year. Oh, I always call my friends around
the holidays.
Speaker 4 (18:30):
Well, you don't have to worry about ma.
Speaker 2 (18:32):
Fuck.
Speaker 1 (18:33):
She wouldn't think of buying her Christmas cards from anyone else.
Speaker 7 (18:36):
But I know that's why I always.
Speaker 1 (18:41):
Throw in a couple of extra ones.
Speaker 4 (18:43):
Folk.
Speaker 6 (18:43):
Here's Oh hell is a divine Hello Rochester.
Speaker 7 (18:47):
I'm glad you dropped in on the bass.
Speaker 5 (18:49):
Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without you.
Speaker 4 (18:50):
Well, thanks, Ronch.
Speaker 6 (18:51):
You know the holidays wouldn't be the same if I
didn't see all of you foolks.
Speaker 1 (18:56):
Those are the two voices that drove gravel Gerdy into hiding.
Speaker 7 (19:05):
Say come on, Andy, you're just the.
Speaker 1 (19:06):
Time to have a bite to eat and listen. I've
been saving a bottle of champagne just for this occasion.
Let's drink a toll champagne. Come on, follows everybody a Rochester,
give me that bottle of champagne. Yeah, boss, no, I'll
open it myself. Thank you. Now, let's see m Champagne.
(19:27):
Corks are so tight.
Speaker 5 (19:29):
Mm e.
Speaker 1 (19:30):
They're hard to get loose.
Speaker 3 (19:36):
Over a dot. Just stand they pull a cork out.
Speaker 2 (19:40):
Of his mouth.
Speaker 1 (19:44):
He hold your head still, Jackson, I'll pull a cork.
Speaker 3 (19:46):
Out, jack Jack say something.
Speaker 1 (20:06):
Here, Rochester, Rochester, fill of glasses.
Speaker 7 (20:08):
Yes, hey, fellas, how about a toast?
Speaker 4 (20:11):
I got one?
Speaker 1 (20:12):
Go ahead, Andy, a toast? Go ahead.
Speaker 2 (20:13):
Here's to you, Buck, Mary filling the whole game.
Speaker 1 (20:17):
We've been friends for a long time, and I hope
it always stays that way.
Speaker 4 (20:21):
Mary, Mary.
Speaker 3 (20:26):
Yeah, can I give a toast to sure?
Speaker 2 (20:28):
Sure?
Speaker 1 (20:28):
Go right ahead, Mary.
Speaker 3 (20:29):
I'm Merry Christmas to everyone everywhere.
Speaker 1 (20:32):
Yeah, Marry Christmas, everybody, Marry.
Speaker 7 (20:35):
Marry Hey, kyk tax how about a post from you me?
Speaker 1 (20:49):
Yeah, I'd like to give a toast to don. This
is a toes to a lot of fellas I met
in Africa, Europe and the South Pasciffici and to all
you are boys out there. I wasn't lucky enough to
meet fellas. This is Christmas Eve, a time for happiness
and good fellowship, a time when our hearts should be
(21:10):
humble and forgiving. But this is war, and I've seen
what you boys are up against on both sides of
the world. I know the Christmas spirit must seem a
very distant thing when you're crouched in a muddy foxhole
or wading through the half frozen slush. I know too,
that there's very little to remind you of Christmas inside
(21:30):
a stifling tank or in the icy cockpit of a
B twenty nine six miles above Tokyo. Maybe you feel
it is something you lost long long ago, because the
only Christmas lights you see are the burst of shells
or the flashing path cut by tracer bullets. But Christmas
(21:51):
is a spirit, a spirit that springs from within and
is so strong it transcends even the ugly scenes of
a battlefield and fills the soul with a passion to
defend the things that are right and just. You are
the ones who have gone to the ends of the
earth to preserve the freedom you know belongs to every man.
(22:14):
They hasten the day when all mankind can once again
live in dignity and in peace. Oh, here's to your fellows.
Merry Christmas and God bless you all.
Speaker 4 (22:35):
Come hop.
Speaker 8 (22:40):
Yl on me and bay.
Speaker 4 (23:06):
Come him a bar him to ply them astill on
(23:48):
the by andres most storm. He had him the barges
at thet all full sanies, all as no Oh, lovely
(25:13):
oh is called boner round Charly stlan Mo.
Speaker 9 (25:46):
Sleepvanly, sleee.
Speaker 4 (26:02):
In uhle
Speaker 1 (26:12):
The night faulks
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