July 28, 2025 • 23 mins
A legendary variety show blending witty monologues, comic sketches, and musical interludes, all anchored by the impeccable timing of its beloved host. It’s a masterclass in comedic timing.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Let's head rising guessing No no no, no no no, no,
no no no no American Yes. Lucky Syke means crying tobacco,
so round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and
easy on the draw LS MFT, LS MFT, LS MFT
(00:21):
program starring Jack Billy with Mary Levingson Girl, Harris Rochester,
Dennis Day.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
And yours proly Don Wilson, Ladies and gentlemen.
Speaker 1 (00:42):
Since tonight is our last broadcast of the season, I
would like to pay tribute to the star of our show.
Fifteen years ago, a kind and gracious young man started
his radio career at the tender age of thirty seven.
I was, I was awfully tenders I'm tonight fifteen years later,
he's still time, still gracious, and still thirty seven.
Speaker 3 (01:03):
And here he is, Jack thirty as.
Speaker 1 (01:15):
You who again it's a Jack Betty talking him. Don.
There was a very silly statement to make. If I
was thirty seven, and that was fifteen years ago, today
i'd be forty nine. You mean fifty two. I can
get it a wholesale anyway. For your information, Don, When
I started a radio fifteen years ago, I was twenty two.
What are you talking about?
Speaker 4 (01:33):
I knew you then, and you had gray hair.
Speaker 1 (01:35):
Don I was born with gray hair. I was worried
about the doctor Bill. I'm glad I didn't pay him
slapping me when my back was hurt and down. Here's
an amazing coincident. If you read it in the story,
you wouldn't believe it. After all these years, who do
you think it's sitting in the audience this very moment.
The doctor, no, his lawyer, the case comes up in
(01:57):
court and wait, any right, nonsense. This is the last
program of the year. I got a surprise for you.
I'm giving everybody a bonus. Here's a check for you.
Well thanks, Jack. I know it isn't much, but it'll hell.
It will help you get back to California.
Speaker 4 (02:13):
This check will help.
Speaker 1 (02:16):
Me get back to California. Turn it over over, brother,
there's a road map on the other side. I nearly
kill that one work. I've heard a good joke when
I did to that, and don never look a gift
pony in the m V mouth.
Speaker 4 (02:34):
I want to say that.
Speaker 3 (02:36):
Oho hello, hello, oh ho ho.
Speaker 1 (02:47):
I here's the last program. Let's go nuts all it.
Lord Norry, I'm glad you came in. I'm just telling
don that. Since this is the last program of the season,
I'm giving everybody in the cast a bonus.
Speaker 5 (02:57):
Oh Jack, how can you part it? After that bonus
you gave me last year?
Speaker 1 (03:00):
What did he give you? Married?
Speaker 5 (03:01):
A dozen Bobby Tins?
Speaker 1 (03:04):
You got two dozen?
Speaker 5 (03:05):
There wasn't your Phil Harris got a short hair cut
and had.
Speaker 4 (03:07):
No use for all this?
Speaker 1 (03:10):
Oh right, all right, but this year's different. Like, here's
your bonus money, Take this and go out and buy
yourself a new drink here.
Speaker 3 (03:16):
Oh boy, you do bill it time, sir.
Speaker 1 (03:23):
I got that by mentioning them on the air. Uh
when'd you do that? Just now?
Speaker 5 (03:28):
But Jack, I was the one that mentioned crying.
Speaker 1 (03:31):
Oh oh now they always another one.
Speaker 5 (03:34):
Oh wait a minute, Jack, do you mean when you
mentioned the name of a product they give you one free?
Speaker 1 (03:38):
Well sometimes, Mary, but you have to do it cleverly. Oh,
which reminds me married On the way home, I'm going
to stop at Plymouth Rock. Then I'm going to Pontiac, Michigan,
and if I can afford it, I'll take you out
some night and show you how a cab or.
Speaker 5 (04:04):
Why you certainly packered them all in.
Speaker 1 (04:08):
Thanks Larry, that was a bu week, say Marry, Where
are you gonna send your vacation this summer?
Speaker 5 (04:15):
Inside of a line?
Speaker 1 (04:16):
You can watch? I can't go along with a plug.
Let's be happy with your dress. But I'm not kid, Marre,
Where are you going to fend your.
Speaker 5 (04:22):
Vacation in grand templepation? I like pete and quiet.
Speaker 1 (04:26):
That joke was written three o'clock. Yes, it's amazing for
twenty four hours to go to a gag, isn't it?
A Dennis ho.
Speaker 6 (04:42):
Uh?
Speaker 1 (04:42):
Dennis? Since this is the last program of the season,
I thought it was.
Speaker 4 (04:45):
What do you feel, mister Benny?
Speaker 1 (04:47):
Fine Dennis, since this is the last program of the season,
I don't having any sum kids. Oh Dennis. Since this
is the last program, how are you going home?
Speaker 4 (05:00):
Mister Benny?
Speaker 1 (05:02):
Wednesday dinner? Since this is the last twelve battle bonus,
That's what I'm trying to tell you. I'm giving every
member of my cast a bonus.
Speaker 4 (05:11):
Oh am I a member? A certainly?
Speaker 1 (05:15):
Is that why you make me pay Jules? That has
nothing to do with it. That money I deduct from
your salary I'm putting away for your nest aage, my
nest eggs.
Speaker 5 (05:31):
Yeah, mother, hen Benny, you'll keep it warming for you.
Speaker 1 (05:34):
I don't have to worry about a nest egg. Mary.
I'm expecting a call from my sponsor any minute to
pick up my option. Believe me, this year I'm going
to be even tougher to get than last year. Yeah,
you're really tough to guess. Well, I was, Oh sure.
Speaker 5 (05:45):
The sions de laid the contact on the table, pointed
to the dotted line, and you signed so fast you
put hack your name on his finger, on.
Speaker 1 (05:54):
His finger, on his finger, some job. Well, let's get
on with you, mister Benny.
Speaker 3 (05:58):
How about my bonus?
Speaker 1 (05:59):
Oh yeah, yes, I uh wait a minute, I just
happen to think of it. I gave you your bonus yesterday.
Speaker 4 (06:03):
Oh yes, I forgot.
Speaker 1 (06:04):
Thanks very much, you're welcome. What'd you get, Danny? Address
that clines? What with a peekaboo waiste that has to
take home to your mother? And another thing, kid, I
got a surprise for you. I may be cable. They
(06:25):
give you a car.
Speaker 4 (06:26):
A car.
Speaker 1 (06:27):
Yeah, a few minutes ago I mentioned the name of
a lot of automobiles, the names, and naturally they'll all
send me one. Geez, that won't work, mister Benny. I
tried it once. I mentioned mercury.
Speaker 4 (06:36):
What happened?
Speaker 1 (06:36):
They sent me a thermometer. Oh so I took my temperature?
It was one hundred and six? What or was I
burned up? Then that's a joke, son, I'm glad to pod.
I com on, Dennis, I have a car way up.
Speaker 6 (07:04):
Same in in, call in, call in, loll in, calling
in the.
Speaker 1 (07:19):
Carry a wonderful from Annie Get your guns sung by
Dennis Dave. Very good kid, And I'm happy to know
that you're going to be with me next season. Christer Benny,
you tricked me into signing my contract. Tricked you, Dennis.
Your new contract court for thirty eight dollars a week.
And that's what I'm going to pay you, thirty eight
dollars a week. So how did I trick you? When
you held me upside down, it looked like eighty three?
(07:42):
Oh stop, why Jack, that's the silliest thing I ever
heard of. If you wanted to trick Dennis, why didn't
you hold the contract upside down with all.
Speaker 5 (07:50):
The Dennis was right as yes, So all right, Bot,
you could drive that chair, but bars is sure to
be back upstair.
Speaker 1 (08:00):
Author is they got a frows of it.
Speaker 3 (08:08):
That's what you give me enough to run me through
this summer.
Speaker 4 (08:13):
You know they fell.
Speaker 1 (08:14):
I heard that, and you don't have to worry about
the summer. I'm giving you and every member of the
cast a bonus.
Speaker 6 (08:18):
But Jacksman know.
Speaker 1 (08:19):
All about your bonuses. If you really want to do something,
just give me a little raisin salary. Raisin salary. Phil,
you're the only man in the country that can't strike
because you know you're overpaid. Now and you can take
that miner's lamp off your head. You're not fooling anybody.
I gave you a raise. I know what you do
with it now. Look you're wrong this time, Jackson. I'm
(08:40):
on the wagon. You're on the wagon. The trains weren't running.
I had to get on something. Look, Jackson, I had
a drink since we've been in New York. What are
you talking about. I saw you in a bar last night.
You ordered a Devil's cor that was to dip my
tie in? Did you're tying? I can quit drinking the stuff,
but I'm not gonna stop smelling, sir. I should have
(09:00):
known when you get undressed and I can hang your
clothes in the closet, put your tie in the chandelier.
Hey Phil, let me look at that tie. Is it
pure self? No, it's a blend.
Speaker 3 (09:08):
Now cut that out.
Speaker 1 (09:14):
Imagine zipping your tie in Scott, Yes, sir, I'm the
only guy down with the West Truf. Bet.
Speaker 3 (09:21):
Oh, when you leave New York.
Speaker 1 (09:23):
You're gonna hang all the comedians that have mas the
one they could hang, they won't, I mean people. Now
you know why I.
Speaker 4 (09:33):
Need a vacation.
Speaker 1 (09:34):
Oh my goodness, I nearly forgot done. Hand me that
glass of water. Please, I want to take this pill.
Oh here you are fine, Jack? What was that pill
you just took? Well after our shoulder night, I have
to go over and a pier on Fred Allen's program.
But what was Ben's a green? I want to keep awake.
You better off asleep. I wouldn't have to look at
those bags under his eyes. That one's got the only
(09:55):
face I ever saw with patch pockets.
Speaker 5 (10:02):
Oh, Jack, you're just jealous of Fred because he's such
a great ad liver.
Speaker 1 (10:05):
Oh, some great ad lib I can add live better
than Allen with one writer tied behind my back.
Speaker 6 (10:11):
Every week.
Speaker 1 (10:12):
It is the same thing, partman, says mister Allen. Mister Allen,
is time to visit the alley. Shall we go? And
then the genius answers, well, Bart, wow has what script?
Tease answers answered the other Let's take off and those
people and those those people he meets down there that
(10:38):
that tightest movie Hardie Birds Dinner.
Speaker 4 (10:50):
One.
Speaker 1 (10:50):
People see an Allen I don't know. He tries to
read a script. The words get blocked by his nose,
then they get picked around by his tonsils, bounced off
his adenoids. And because it comes how different than the
way it's written, they say he had lived. Believe me,
I'm a better, I'm better, I'm better than he is,
I'm free better, I'm three times good. I can lad live.
Speaker 5 (11:12):
So you couldn't ad live a yon after a gallon
of ovaltine, I can too.
Speaker 1 (11:19):
They said you were on Allen's program last week, weren't you? Yeah,
and say, Jackson, you want to know something? Fine? Did
you know that? I found out something about Senator trag
On what he's from the south? No, so help me, Patrollo,
thanks for telling me, Phil Like, come on, let's have
a band. Okay, jack excuse.
Speaker 3 (11:41):
Me a minute.
Speaker 1 (11:42):
Yes, don I may not see you after the show.
Speaker 6 (11:44):
Saw.
Speaker 1 (11:45):
I just want to say goodbye.
Speaker 6 (11:46):
Now.
Speaker 1 (11:47):
Don you mean you're in such a hurry to leave
on your vacation, Well, no, no, I'm going to start
my summer job for Lucky strikes, summer job another program.
No no, I'm going down to North Carolina and fixed
the back. Call pick tobacco. You mean our sponsor is
(12:07):
making easy Well no, no, Jack, I begged Jam for
the opportunity. You you what, just think of it. The
whole summer feeling goes tobacco leagues. But don well that's fine,
that light, that's naturally mild tobacco. But don spending your
(12:27):
whole vacation picking tobacco. That's my pleasure, Jackacko. That goes
into lucky wonderful, that makes that strike but high pipes,
then call I can just here you do, And as
(12:53):
I wait by the magnolia, three from over the Everglades
will come Cleos And that's Chloe's Dan, that's the most
touching thing I've ever heard.
Speaker 4 (13:09):
Jackson, don't know.
Speaker 1 (13:10):
I don't know.
Speaker 4 (13:10):
No, No, Dan, don't say anything.
Speaker 1 (13:13):
Let's speller play.
Speaker 4 (13:37):
Three.
Speaker 1 (13:38):
Thanks. That's one on you, Jackson. This ain't even my band.
These are New York boys. Happened to pick them up.
Speaker 4 (13:43):
Easy.
Speaker 1 (13:43):
I was just walking down the street and they followed
my tie. Oh burnloose, Max not go after the show.
No matter where we go, fill you always get the same.
I'll get it. Hello.
Speaker 3 (14:05):
Hello, is the better than Rochester.
Speaker 4 (14:15):
One is in Rochester.
Speaker 1 (14:16):
I got your trunk off, packed and loaded on the mule. Rochester.
The railroad strike is over.
Speaker 5 (14:21):
You got the mule.
Speaker 1 (14:22):
Before the strike was on. Well, I'm taking the train.
I'm kind of sorry you're not going back with me,
but I'm glad you got that nice job at the Zanzibar.
To Fay or Franks for letting me take it, Boss,
but ain't either one that's supposed to.
Speaker 2 (14:34):
Get the nine.
Speaker 1 (14:39):
Yeah, but I'm keeping it for you for the next day. Well,
push the hint off. I'm hungry. It will be saved
for me, Rochester. Don't worry and do a good job
at the Zanzerbar. I will. And before I hang up, Boss,
I want to pack you in the cash for coming
over Tuesday night.
Speaker 3 (14:54):
The audience show laughed when you got up and tore
those jokes.
Speaker 1 (14:57):
Yeah at Rochester. I bet nobody they dreamed I get
up and play the violin.
Speaker 3 (15:02):
Obviously this paper was blue.
Speaker 1 (15:06):
And I don't know about that.
Speaker 4 (15:07):
They like it.
Speaker 1 (15:08):
By the way, first, how did you write that whole
team I did about you and miss telling when I
couldn't hear rather of that because there's some guy under
our table making a lot of noise. Oh yes, that
was the problem, mister Harry Hyer. Right, he was laying
a pipeline to the bar, a pipeline. He aginst you.
Speaker 4 (15:27):
A lot of ridiculous.
Speaker 1 (15:28):
By the way, Rochester, why you sing that song essential
rate the positive? I always liked the way you did
that good thing that you just didn't hear me. That
was where you were a and with the way you
were about to check. I wasn't arguing whether he jogged
me too much for the BN. I was just pointing
out his mistake. I wasn't no mistaken a night tell
you don't get him looking back on the bottle plug
(15:50):
joint anyway. Right there, You go on and have a
good time here, and I'll see you when you get home.
Speaker 4 (15:55):
By the way, I have a little bonnet for you.
Speaker 1 (15:57):
I'll mail it to you.
Speaker 3 (15:58):
Never mind, I'll go down to Times.
Speaker 1 (15:59):
And alright, goodbye rock and say good luck so long
all about it? Our kids in a few minutes, our
(16:21):
last program will be over and we probably won't be
seeing much of each other until September. But uh, here
are your assignments for this week. On Wednesday night, you
must listen to the radio because Dave bro is going
to conduct his Walk Keegan Concerto, which has written especially
for me, and that's gonna be At the same time,
I want to listen to the Frank Morgan Show, which
(16:41):
is replacing us for the summer. It's gonna be great.
Frank has always done a swell job, and I know
he's gonna be back and fine form and our kids.
Before I kiss each one of you goodbye, I wanna
come then. Well, Hello, Jack, Hello. I looked at the
Ted Sullivan and it was nice to you to drop
(17:08):
it on my last program. You know the gang married
Don Dennison, Phil. Yes, Jack, I've met them all except Phil. Yeah,
we ain't never had a pleasure. Well, I'll remedy that Phil.
I'd like you to be that Sullivan. Ed is the
famous columnist west Per Hello, Ed, when'd you leave Moscow?
I said, Columbus My goodness, Uh Kelly Ed? And what's
(17:36):
the uh him? I'm gonna have back next year and
what's the occasion for this vid?
Speaker 4 (17:41):
Well, Jack, I came over to present.
Speaker 1 (17:43):
You with an award, an award for me.
Speaker 4 (17:45):
But first I'd like to get a little interview. See
all readers.
Speaker 1 (17:48):
Would like to know exactly what goes on behind the
scenes in the radio shows. You know, who are the
people behind the performer?
Speaker 4 (17:54):
Well, let's see.
Speaker 1 (17:54):
First I must get credit to my writers, John Tackerberry,
Milt Joseph Burg, George Walter and Sam pet I think
they're four of the smartest, cleverest, funniest and most intelligent
writers in the business. Well, Jack, is.
Speaker 4 (18:06):
Very nice of you to say that about your boys.
Speaker 1 (18:08):
They wrote the line he had to say marriage. But
as you can take my word for it, they're very clever.
Speaker 4 (18:14):
Oh, I know that, Jack, and I've heard a lot
about them.
Speaker 1 (18:16):
Jack.
Speaker 4 (18:17):
Isn't it true that Sam Perrin and George Bulls are about
the Broadway show? Are you with it?
Speaker 1 (18:21):
Yes? Yes, if they did that with my permission? And
didn't John Tackerberry write that song Pickle in the Middle, Yes, yes,
he did that with my permission. And isn't your other writer,
mil Joseph Berg expecting a baby soon? Yes? See yes, yes,
(18:41):
if Hilda is listening. We hope she feels all right. Well,
by Jack, Who are some of the other people are
important to your program? Well, there's my special assignment, Man Hilliard, Marz, producer,
Bob Ballen, musical director Maryland, marriage secretary, James Tupper, and
Bert Scott and last but not least, Herman mcshaughnessy.
Speaker 4 (18:58):
Herman mcshaughnesy. What does he do?
Speaker 1 (19:00):
He explains Dick Tracy to Phil harrih Now on the
acting On the acting side of the Ledger, we have
mel Blank who plays the part of my French violin teacher. Also,
my parents are the hour box on our dog salesman
Sarah Bernard, b Benadera who played the telephone operators, Dick Lane,
who plays the part of Steve Bradley, my pres agent,
(19:22):
Janine Use who played Phil Harris's little daughter. Frank Nelson
always pops up on the show, looks at me and
says yay. Joe Kern's the keeper of my ball. Mister
and mister Ronald Coleman, who really owned this program, but
let me guest star on it during the weeks. They're
all i MBC engineers George Foster and Charlie Buck my soundman,
(19:45):
Floyd Caton and Parker Cornell and finally Wilburt Clingan Peel,
Wilbert Clingham Peel. He exclaims Dick Tracy de Famine mcshaught
and well, I guess that takes care of them all,
unless you want to mention the janitor who sweeps.
Speaker 4 (20:01):
Up after the show.
Speaker 1 (20:02):
No, no, he left me and is now writing for
Fred Allen. Now Ed, how about Sullivan? Would you mind
putting something in your column for me?
Speaker 4 (20:10):
Why not at all, Dennis, I'll be glad you.
Speaker 1 (20:12):
What's the occasion my mother had a baby? Well? That
his news twenty two years ago. That's his name. Oh stop, howe,
now Ed, I don't want to appear anxious, But how
(20:33):
about this award you're going to give me? Huh huh
Jack Wick or my lapel? Oh oh pardon no, I
forgot myself. What kind of an award is it?
Speaker 6 (20:41):
Ed?
Speaker 1 (20:42):
Well, let's call he Ed Sullivan Award for Modern Spain
Magazine Mary, and it's being given to Jack Benny because
of his outstanding radio programs during the past season. Oh
that's such a will really over well, I feel thank quick.
Speaker 5 (20:55):
They'll let him play your tie.
Speaker 1 (20:59):
So Jack on behalf of Modern Screen magazine. It gives
me great pressure to award you this gold. P geez,
thanks Jack, Jack, Jack, stop fighting it. It's gold. But
(21:21):
this is a Modern Screen award. And I have made
a picture in two years that had.
Speaker 4 (21:26):
Something to do with it too. Oh, I see you know, Mary,
It is purely a great show.
Speaker 1 (21:33):
For me to give this award to Jack because he
made his very first radio appearance on my program fifteen
years ago. That's right, Mary, And who's part of that program?
Speaker 4 (21:42):
Let's see Jareddine Hairtonic.
Speaker 5 (21:45):
Jack made it you on a Hairtonic program.
Speaker 1 (21:47):
On a hair Tonic program. On a Hairtonic program is
open for a doctor who ain't worried about options? There
one more world? Are you all light a master your
tie and blow you out of here? Quiet?
Speaker 4 (21:59):
I guess i'd better run along, Jack. How about another
game of golf tomorrow?
Speaker 1 (22:03):
Certainly, Ed, if you're not afraid that I'll beat you
again like I did yesterday.
Speaker 5 (22:07):
Wait a minute, Ed, did Jack really beat you at golf?
Speaker 4 (22:10):
Why do you think I had to give him this award?
Speaker 1 (22:13):
If I gonness say, agad was our agreement that you
weren't supposed to mention that now you're spilled the beam.
Welcome bye, ed and thanks very very much. You're welcome, Jack,
and so long. What are you laughing at?
Speaker 3 (22:37):
Nothing?
Speaker 1 (22:37):
Jack?
Speaker 5 (22:38):
But if you could get Joan Crawford into a game
of golf, maybe you'd run an oscar.
Speaker 1 (22:44):
Mary, Mary, don't be so thanks. I wonder if Joe
does play golf. M ft LS, MFT brief the same time. Again,
(23:04):
I want to thank everybody associated with this program and
also all of my listeners, even those of you who
can't stand Jack, Benny,
Let's head rising guessing No no no, no no no, no,
no no no no American Yes. Lucky Syke means crying tobacco,
so round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and
easy on the draw LS MFT, LS MFT, LS MFT
(00:21):
program starring Jack Billy with Mary Levingson Girl, Harris Rochester,
Dennis Day.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
And yours proly Don Wilson, Ladies and gentlemen.
Speaker 1 (00:42):
Since tonight is our last broadcast of the season, I
would like to pay tribute to the star of our show.
Fifteen years ago, a kind and gracious young man started
his radio career at the tender age of thirty seven.
I was, I was awfully tenders I'm tonight fifteen years later,
he's still time, still gracious, and still thirty seven.
Speaker 3 (01:03):
And here he is, Jack thirty as.
Speaker 1 (01:15):
You who again it's a Jack Betty talking him. Don.
There was a very silly statement to make. If I
was thirty seven, and that was fifteen years ago, today
i'd be forty nine. You mean fifty two. I can
get it a wholesale anyway. For your information, Don, When
I started a radio fifteen years ago, I was twenty two.
What are you talking about?
Speaker 4 (01:33):
I knew you then, and you had gray hair.
Speaker 1 (01:35):
Don I was born with gray hair. I was worried
about the doctor Bill. I'm glad I didn't pay him
slapping me when my back was hurt and down. Here's
an amazing coincident. If you read it in the story,
you wouldn't believe it. After all these years, who do
you think it's sitting in the audience this very moment.
The doctor, no, his lawyer, the case comes up in
(01:57):
court and wait, any right, nonsense. This is the last
program of the year. I got a surprise for you.
I'm giving everybody a bonus. Here's a check for you.
Well thanks, Jack. I know it isn't much, but it'll hell.
It will help you get back to California.
Speaker 4 (02:13):
This check will help.
Speaker 1 (02:16):
Me get back to California. Turn it over over, brother,
there's a road map on the other side. I nearly
kill that one work. I've heard a good joke when
I did to that, and don never look a gift
pony in the m V mouth.
Speaker 4 (02:34):
I want to say that.
Speaker 3 (02:36):
Oho hello, hello, oh ho ho.
Speaker 1 (02:47):
I here's the last program. Let's go nuts all it.
Lord Norry, I'm glad you came in. I'm just telling
don that. Since this is the last program of the season,
I'm giving everybody in the cast a bonus.
Speaker 5 (02:57):
Oh Jack, how can you part it? After that bonus
you gave me last year?
Speaker 1 (03:00):
What did he give you? Married?
Speaker 5 (03:01):
A dozen Bobby Tins?
Speaker 1 (03:04):
You got two dozen?
Speaker 5 (03:05):
There wasn't your Phil Harris got a short hair cut
and had.
Speaker 4 (03:07):
No use for all this?
Speaker 1 (03:10):
Oh right, all right, but this year's different. Like, here's
your bonus money, Take this and go out and buy
yourself a new drink here.
Speaker 3 (03:16):
Oh boy, you do bill it time, sir.
Speaker 1 (03:23):
I got that by mentioning them on the air. Uh
when'd you do that? Just now?
Speaker 5 (03:28):
But Jack, I was the one that mentioned crying.
Speaker 1 (03:31):
Oh oh now they always another one.
Speaker 5 (03:34):
Oh wait a minute, Jack, do you mean when you
mentioned the name of a product they give you one free?
Speaker 1 (03:38):
Well sometimes, Mary, but you have to do it cleverly. Oh,
which reminds me married On the way home, I'm going
to stop at Plymouth Rock. Then I'm going to Pontiac, Michigan,
and if I can afford it, I'll take you out
some night and show you how a cab or.
Speaker 5 (04:04):
Why you certainly packered them all in.
Speaker 1 (04:08):
Thanks Larry, that was a bu week, say Marry, Where
are you gonna send your vacation this summer?
Speaker 5 (04:15):
Inside of a line?
Speaker 1 (04:16):
You can watch? I can't go along with a plug.
Let's be happy with your dress. But I'm not kid, Marre,
Where are you going to fend your.
Speaker 5 (04:22):
Vacation in grand templepation? I like pete and quiet.
Speaker 1 (04:26):
That joke was written three o'clock. Yes, it's amazing for
twenty four hours to go to a gag, isn't it?
A Dennis ho.
Speaker 6 (04:42):
Uh?
Speaker 1 (04:42):
Dennis? Since this is the last program of the season,
I thought it was.
Speaker 4 (04:45):
What do you feel, mister Benny?
Speaker 1 (04:47):
Fine Dennis, since this is the last program of the season,
I don't having any sum kids. Oh Dennis. Since this
is the last program, how are you going home?
Speaker 4 (05:00):
Mister Benny?
Speaker 1 (05:02):
Wednesday dinner? Since this is the last twelve battle bonus,
That's what I'm trying to tell you. I'm giving every
member of my cast a bonus.
Speaker 4 (05:11):
Oh am I a member? A certainly?
Speaker 1 (05:15):
Is that why you make me pay Jules? That has
nothing to do with it. That money I deduct from
your salary I'm putting away for your nest aage, my
nest eggs.
Speaker 5 (05:31):
Yeah, mother, hen Benny, you'll keep it warming for you.
Speaker 1 (05:34):
I don't have to worry about a nest egg. Mary.
I'm expecting a call from my sponsor any minute to
pick up my option. Believe me, this year I'm going
to be even tougher to get than last year. Yeah,
you're really tough to guess. Well, I was, Oh sure.
Speaker 5 (05:45):
The sions de laid the contact on the table, pointed
to the dotted line, and you signed so fast you
put hack your name on his finger, on.
Speaker 1 (05:54):
His finger, on his finger, some job. Well, let's get
on with you, mister Benny.
Speaker 3 (05:58):
How about my bonus?
Speaker 1 (05:59):
Oh yeah, yes, I uh wait a minute, I just
happen to think of it. I gave you your bonus yesterday.
Speaker 4 (06:03):
Oh yes, I forgot.
Speaker 1 (06:04):
Thanks very much, you're welcome. What'd you get, Danny? Address
that clines? What with a peekaboo waiste that has to
take home to your mother? And another thing, kid, I
got a surprise for you. I may be cable. They
(06:25):
give you a car.
Speaker 4 (06:26):
A car.
Speaker 1 (06:27):
Yeah, a few minutes ago I mentioned the name of
a lot of automobiles, the names, and naturally they'll all
send me one. Geez, that won't work, mister Benny. I
tried it once. I mentioned mercury.
Speaker 4 (06:36):
What happened?
Speaker 1 (06:36):
They sent me a thermometer. Oh so I took my temperature?
It was one hundred and six? What or was I
burned up? Then that's a joke, son, I'm glad to pod.
I com on, Dennis, I have a car way up.
Speaker 6 (07:04):
Same in in, call in, call in, loll in, calling
in the.
Speaker 1 (07:19):
Carry a wonderful from Annie Get your guns sung by
Dennis Dave. Very good kid, And I'm happy to know
that you're going to be with me next season. Christer Benny,
you tricked me into signing my contract. Tricked you, Dennis.
Your new contract court for thirty eight dollars a week.
And that's what I'm going to pay you, thirty eight
dollars a week. So how did I trick you? When
you held me upside down, it looked like eighty three?
(07:42):
Oh stop, why Jack, that's the silliest thing I ever
heard of. If you wanted to trick Dennis, why didn't
you hold the contract upside down with all.
Speaker 5 (07:50):
The Dennis was right as yes, So all right, Bot,
you could drive that chair, but bars is sure to
be back upstair.
Speaker 1 (08:00):
Author is they got a frows of it.
Speaker 3 (08:08):
That's what you give me enough to run me through
this summer.
Speaker 4 (08:13):
You know they fell.
Speaker 1 (08:14):
I heard that, and you don't have to worry about
the summer. I'm giving you and every member of the
cast a bonus.
Speaker 6 (08:18):
But Jacksman know.
Speaker 1 (08:19):
All about your bonuses. If you really want to do something,
just give me a little raisin salary. Raisin salary. Phil,
you're the only man in the country that can't strike
because you know you're overpaid. Now and you can take
that miner's lamp off your head. You're not fooling anybody.
I gave you a raise. I know what you do
with it now. Look you're wrong this time, Jackson. I'm
(08:40):
on the wagon. You're on the wagon. The trains weren't running.
I had to get on something. Look, Jackson, I had
a drink since we've been in New York. What are
you talking about. I saw you in a bar last night.
You ordered a Devil's cor that was to dip my
tie in? Did you're tying? I can quit drinking the stuff,
but I'm not gonna stop smelling, sir. I should have
(09:00):
known when you get undressed and I can hang your
clothes in the closet, put your tie in the chandelier.
Hey Phil, let me look at that tie. Is it
pure self? No, it's a blend.
Speaker 3 (09:08):
Now cut that out.
Speaker 1 (09:14):
Imagine zipping your tie in Scott, Yes, sir, I'm the
only guy down with the West Truf. Bet.
Speaker 3 (09:21):
Oh, when you leave New York.
Speaker 1 (09:23):
You're gonna hang all the comedians that have mas the
one they could hang, they won't, I mean people. Now
you know why I.
Speaker 4 (09:33):
Need a vacation.
Speaker 1 (09:34):
Oh my goodness, I nearly forgot done. Hand me that
glass of water. Please, I want to take this pill.
Oh here you are fine, Jack? What was that pill
you just took? Well after our shoulder night, I have
to go over and a pier on Fred Allen's program.
But what was Ben's a green? I want to keep awake.
You better off asleep. I wouldn't have to look at
those bags under his eyes. That one's got the only
(09:55):
face I ever saw with patch pockets.
Speaker 5 (10:02):
Oh, Jack, you're just jealous of Fred because he's such
a great ad liver.
Speaker 1 (10:05):
Oh, some great ad lib I can add live better
than Allen with one writer tied behind my back.
Speaker 6 (10:11):
Every week.
Speaker 1 (10:12):
It is the same thing, partman, says mister Allen. Mister Allen,
is time to visit the alley. Shall we go? And
then the genius answers, well, Bart, wow has what script?
Tease answers answered the other Let's take off and those
people and those those people he meets down there that
(10:38):
that tightest movie Hardie Birds Dinner.
Speaker 4 (10:50):
One.
Speaker 1 (10:50):
People see an Allen I don't know. He tries to
read a script. The words get blocked by his nose,
then they get picked around by his tonsils, bounced off
his adenoids. And because it comes how different than the
way it's written, they say he had lived. Believe me,
I'm a better, I'm better, I'm better than he is,
I'm free better, I'm three times good. I can lad live.
Speaker 5 (11:12):
So you couldn't ad live a yon after a gallon
of ovaltine, I can too.
Speaker 1 (11:19):
They said you were on Allen's program last week, weren't you? Yeah,
and say, Jackson, you want to know something? Fine? Did
you know that? I found out something about Senator trag
On what he's from the south? No, so help me, Patrollo,
thanks for telling me, Phil Like, come on, let's have
a band. Okay, jack excuse.
Speaker 3 (11:41):
Me a minute.
Speaker 1 (11:42):
Yes, don I may not see you after the show.
Speaker 6 (11:44):
Saw.
Speaker 1 (11:45):
I just want to say goodbye.
Speaker 6 (11:46):
Now.
Speaker 1 (11:47):
Don you mean you're in such a hurry to leave
on your vacation, Well, no, no, I'm going to start
my summer job for Lucky strikes, summer job another program.
No no, I'm going down to North Carolina and fixed
the back. Call pick tobacco. You mean our sponsor is
(12:07):
making easy Well no, no, Jack, I begged Jam for
the opportunity. You you what, just think of it. The
whole summer feeling goes tobacco leagues. But don well that's fine,
that light, that's naturally mild tobacco. But don spending your
(12:27):
whole vacation picking tobacco. That's my pleasure, Jackacko. That goes
into lucky wonderful, that makes that strike but high pipes,
then call I can just here you do, And as
(12:53):
I wait by the magnolia, three from over the Everglades
will come Cleos And that's Chloe's Dan, that's the most
touching thing I've ever heard.
Speaker 4 (13:09):
Jackson, don't know.
Speaker 1 (13:10):
I don't know.
Speaker 4 (13:10):
No, No, Dan, don't say anything.
Speaker 1 (13:13):
Let's speller play.
Speaker 4 (13:37):
Three.
Speaker 1 (13:38):
Thanks. That's one on you, Jackson. This ain't even my band.
These are New York boys. Happened to pick them up.
Speaker 4 (13:43):
Easy.
Speaker 1 (13:43):
I was just walking down the street and they followed
my tie. Oh burnloose, Max not go after the show.
No matter where we go, fill you always get the same.
I'll get it. Hello.
Speaker 3 (14:05):
Hello, is the better than Rochester.
Speaker 4 (14:15):
One is in Rochester.
Speaker 1 (14:16):
I got your trunk off, packed and loaded on the mule. Rochester.
The railroad strike is over.
Speaker 5 (14:21):
You got the mule.
Speaker 1 (14:22):
Before the strike was on. Well, I'm taking the train.
I'm kind of sorry you're not going back with me,
but I'm glad you got that nice job at the Zanzibar.
To Fay or Franks for letting me take it, Boss,
but ain't either one that's supposed to.
Speaker 2 (14:34):
Get the nine.
Speaker 1 (14:39):
Yeah, but I'm keeping it for you for the next day. Well,
push the hint off. I'm hungry. It will be saved
for me, Rochester. Don't worry and do a good job
at the Zanzerbar. I will. And before I hang up, Boss,
I want to pack you in the cash for coming
over Tuesday night.
Speaker 3 (14:54):
The audience show laughed when you got up and tore
those jokes.
Speaker 1 (14:57):
Yeah at Rochester. I bet nobody they dreamed I get
up and play the violin.
Speaker 3 (15:02):
Obviously this paper was blue.
Speaker 1 (15:06):
And I don't know about that.
Speaker 4 (15:07):
They like it.
Speaker 1 (15:08):
By the way, first, how did you write that whole
team I did about you and miss telling when I
couldn't hear rather of that because there's some guy under
our table making a lot of noise. Oh yes, that
was the problem, mister Harry Hyer. Right, he was laying
a pipeline to the bar, a pipeline. He aginst you.
Speaker 4 (15:27):
A lot of ridiculous.
Speaker 1 (15:28):
By the way, Rochester, why you sing that song essential
rate the positive? I always liked the way you did
that good thing that you just didn't hear me. That
was where you were a and with the way you
were about to check. I wasn't arguing whether he jogged
me too much for the BN. I was just pointing
out his mistake. I wasn't no mistaken a night tell
you don't get him looking back on the bottle plug
(15:50):
joint anyway. Right there, You go on and have a
good time here, and I'll see you when you get home.
Speaker 4 (15:55):
By the way, I have a little bonnet for you.
Speaker 1 (15:57):
I'll mail it to you.
Speaker 3 (15:58):
Never mind, I'll go down to Times.
Speaker 1 (15:59):
And alright, goodbye rock and say good luck so long
all about it? Our kids in a few minutes, our
(16:21):
last program will be over and we probably won't be
seeing much of each other until September. But uh, here
are your assignments for this week. On Wednesday night, you
must listen to the radio because Dave bro is going
to conduct his Walk Keegan Concerto, which has written especially
for me, and that's gonna be At the same time,
I want to listen to the Frank Morgan Show, which
(16:41):
is replacing us for the summer. It's gonna be great.
Frank has always done a swell job, and I know
he's gonna be back and fine form and our kids.
Before I kiss each one of you goodbye, I wanna
come then. Well, Hello, Jack, Hello. I looked at the
Ted Sullivan and it was nice to you to drop
(17:08):
it on my last program. You know the gang married
Don Dennison, Phil. Yes, Jack, I've met them all except Phil. Yeah,
we ain't never had a pleasure. Well, I'll remedy that Phil.
I'd like you to be that Sullivan. Ed is the
famous columnist west Per Hello, Ed, when'd you leave Moscow?
I said, Columbus My goodness, Uh Kelly Ed? And what's
(17:36):
the uh him? I'm gonna have back next year and
what's the occasion for this vid?
Speaker 4 (17:41):
Well, Jack, I came over to present.
Speaker 1 (17:43):
You with an award, an award for me.
Speaker 4 (17:45):
But first I'd like to get a little interview. See
all readers.
Speaker 1 (17:48):
Would like to know exactly what goes on behind the
scenes in the radio shows. You know, who are the
people behind the performer?
Speaker 4 (17:54):
Well, let's see.
Speaker 1 (17:54):
First I must get credit to my writers, John Tackerberry,
Milt Joseph Burg, George Walter and Sam pet I think
they're four of the smartest, cleverest, funniest and most intelligent
writers in the business. Well, Jack, is.
Speaker 4 (18:06):
Very nice of you to say that about your boys.
Speaker 1 (18:08):
They wrote the line he had to say marriage. But
as you can take my word for it, they're very clever.
Speaker 4 (18:14):
Oh, I know that, Jack, and I've heard a lot
about them.
Speaker 1 (18:16):
Jack.
Speaker 4 (18:17):
Isn't it true that Sam Perrin and George Bulls are about
the Broadway show? Are you with it?
Speaker 1 (18:21):
Yes? Yes, if they did that with my permission? And
didn't John Tackerberry write that song Pickle in the Middle, Yes, yes,
he did that with my permission. And isn't your other writer,
mil Joseph Berg expecting a baby soon? Yes? See yes, yes,
(18:41):
if Hilda is listening. We hope she feels all right. Well,
by Jack, Who are some of the other people are
important to your program? Well, there's my special assignment, Man Hilliard, Marz, producer,
Bob Ballen, musical director Maryland, marriage secretary, James Tupper, and
Bert Scott and last but not least, Herman mcshaughnessy.
Speaker 4 (18:58):
Herman mcshaughnesy. What does he do?
Speaker 1 (19:00):
He explains Dick Tracy to Phil harrih Now on the
acting On the acting side of the Ledger, we have
mel Blank who plays the part of my French violin teacher. Also,
my parents are the hour box on our dog salesman
Sarah Bernard, b Benadera who played the telephone operators, Dick Lane,
who plays the part of Steve Bradley, my pres agent,
(19:22):
Janine Use who played Phil Harris's little daughter. Frank Nelson
always pops up on the show, looks at me and
says yay. Joe Kern's the keeper of my ball. Mister
and mister Ronald Coleman, who really owned this program, but
let me guest star on it during the weeks. They're
all i MBC engineers George Foster and Charlie Buck my soundman,
(19:45):
Floyd Caton and Parker Cornell and finally Wilburt Clingan Peel,
Wilbert Clingham Peel. He exclaims Dick Tracy de Famine mcshaught
and well, I guess that takes care of them all,
unless you want to mention the janitor who sweeps.
Speaker 4 (20:01):
Up after the show.
Speaker 1 (20:02):
No, no, he left me and is now writing for
Fred Allen. Now Ed, how about Sullivan? Would you mind
putting something in your column for me?
Speaker 4 (20:10):
Why not at all, Dennis, I'll be glad you.
Speaker 1 (20:12):
What's the occasion my mother had a baby? Well? That
his news twenty two years ago. That's his name. Oh stop, howe,
now Ed, I don't want to appear anxious, But how
(20:33):
about this award you're going to give me? Huh huh
Jack Wick or my lapel? Oh oh pardon no, I
forgot myself. What kind of an award is it?
Speaker 6 (20:41):
Ed?
Speaker 1 (20:42):
Well, let's call he Ed Sullivan Award for Modern Spain
Magazine Mary, and it's being given to Jack Benny because
of his outstanding radio programs during the past season. Oh
that's such a will really over well, I feel thank quick.
Speaker 5 (20:55):
They'll let him play your tie.
Speaker 1 (20:59):
So Jack on behalf of Modern Screen magazine. It gives
me great pressure to award you this gold. P geez,
thanks Jack, Jack, Jack, stop fighting it. It's gold. But
(21:21):
this is a Modern Screen award. And I have made
a picture in two years that had.
Speaker 4 (21:26):
Something to do with it too. Oh, I see you know, Mary,
It is purely a great show.
Speaker 1 (21:33):
For me to give this award to Jack because he
made his very first radio appearance on my program fifteen
years ago. That's right, Mary, And who's part of that program?
Speaker 4 (21:42):
Let's see Jareddine Hairtonic.
Speaker 5 (21:45):
Jack made it you on a Hairtonic program.
Speaker 1 (21:47):
On a hair Tonic program. On a Hairtonic program is
open for a doctor who ain't worried about options? There
one more world? Are you all light a master your
tie and blow you out of here? Quiet?
Speaker 4 (21:59):
I guess i'd better run along, Jack. How about another
game of golf tomorrow?
Speaker 1 (22:03):
Certainly, Ed, if you're not afraid that I'll beat you
again like I did yesterday.
Speaker 5 (22:07):
Wait a minute, Ed, did Jack really beat you at golf?
Speaker 4 (22:10):
Why do you think I had to give him this award?
Speaker 1 (22:13):
If I gonness say, agad was our agreement that you
weren't supposed to mention that now you're spilled the beam.
Welcome bye, ed and thanks very very much. You're welcome, Jack,
and so long. What are you laughing at?
Speaker 3 (22:37):
Nothing?
Speaker 1 (22:37):
Jack?
Speaker 5 (22:38):
But if you could get Joan Crawford into a game
of golf, maybe you'd run an oscar.
Speaker 1 (22:44):
Mary, Mary, don't be so thanks. I wonder if Joe
does play golf. M ft LS, MFT brief the same time. Again,
(23:04):
I want to thank everybody associated with this program and
also all of my listeners, even those of you who
can't stand Jack, Benny,
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