July 30, 2025 • 23 mins
A legendary variety show blending witty monologues, comic sketches, and musical interludes, all anchored by the impeccable timing of its beloved host. It’s a masterclass in comedic timing.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
The Jack Bunny Program. You're starring Jack Kenny with Mary Livingston, Tellharis,
Rochester Dynasty and yours probably God Wills.
Speaker 2 (00:16):
And here he is, Jack Benny. Thank you, thank you,
thank you. Hello again, this is Jack Benny talking on Don.
I don't want to sound like a ham, but I
think it was awful that on our opening program last week,
I was only on for four minutes.
Speaker 1 (00:38):
Well, Jack, you may be interested to know that letters
have been pouring in commenting on your brief appearance.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
Really, don, what do they say?
Speaker 1 (00:45):
Life can be beautiful?
Speaker 3 (00:52):
Don? Don?
Speaker 2 (00:54):
I suppose you thought that was pretty funny. Jack, it's
about I made that up myself.
Speaker 3 (01:04):
Oh you uh?
Speaker 2 (01:05):
You made it up yourself?
Speaker 4 (01:07):
Yeah, uh don excuse.
Speaker 2 (01:12):
Me a minute.
Speaker 3 (01:19):
Hello.
Speaker 2 (01:21):
Is this the Unemployment Insurance Office?
Speaker 3 (01:25):
It is.
Speaker 2 (01:26):
Well, you can start making out a thin check for
a fat boy. Goodbye and now, folks, for the remainder
of this program, we will struggle along without the services
of mister America North, South and Central.
Speaker 1 (01:45):
So getting on with the shaman of Jackson holding the minute.
Speaker 5 (01:48):
You can't do that to Donzie.
Speaker 2 (01:50):
Do I hear a voice from NBC Phil Did you
say something I did?
Speaker 1 (02:00):
What do you meant?
Speaker 5 (02:00):
At Don, for you don't have to get sord just
because somebody else gets a laugh.
Speaker 1 (02:04):
We've all got to make a buck, you know, well, Phil, Well,
we got to look out for our future. I ain't
worried about myself on Mary Dallas. But what about the
rest of the game, Phil, You know, we'd all like to.
Speaker 5 (02:16):
Have a few luxuries, you know, I mean, let us
live a little bit.
Speaker 2 (02:20):
Phil, as long as the rail is pure brass and
they don't run out of olives. You're happy now, Don, Yes, sir,
believe me, Don. I don't care who gets the laughs
on this show, just that I think it's time that
the star is shown a little more respect by his subordinates. Subordinates. Yes,
(02:42):
that's what you are, you Don, Mary, You're all subordinates.
Now let's go jail.
Speaker 3 (02:48):
By a sub.
Speaker 1 (02:51):
Sub Yeah, let me and you heard you're a subordinate.
Speaker 6 (02:54):
Subordinate to who?
Speaker 5 (02:56):
To the little man who we only needed for four
minutes last week?
Speaker 2 (03:01):
That's to whom? Now, kids, I'm sorry, I was tired
of the whole thing, so let's forget it. Oh, don
excuse me a minute, Jack, I'd like to say something
to marry to me, Don, Yes, I want to congratulate
you on being selected as one of the ten best
dressed women in America. Oh yes, congratulations. Well thanks boys,
but you were thrilled.
Speaker 3 (03:16):
Weren't you married? Oh?
Speaker 6 (03:17):
I said, and he was done. I thought it was
quite an honor they live.
Speaker 3 (03:20):
Let me get this straight.
Speaker 1 (03:21):
You were picked as one of the best dressed women
in America.
Speaker 6 (03:24):
Uh huh?
Speaker 5 (03:25):
On what Jackson, Pagia, how can you afford.
Speaker 3 (03:28):
The dress like that?
Speaker 6 (03:29):
My mother used to be a cigarette girl at Cereal's.
Speaker 3 (03:35):
He was not. She was too.
Speaker 6 (03:37):
She was known as no change Livingstone.
Speaker 2 (03:41):
Oh well, I apologized, Mary Olivia.
Speaker 3 (03:43):
I just thought of something.
Speaker 1 (03:44):
Do you know why Gypsy rose Lee didn't met her
the best Dressed women contest?
Speaker 3 (03:48):
Now? Why because she.
Speaker 2 (03:49):
Couldn't bear to lose.
Speaker 5 (03:54):
Oh, Harris, you may only be a subordinate, but that
joke alone will run for four minutes.
Speaker 2 (04:09):
It will if they don't open the window. Now, love, kids, kids. Tonight,
we have a very important sketch to do, so let's
get on with it. Tonight we're going to present our
version of that famous Metro Goldwen Mayor picture Edward my
son Now in this sketch, pardon me come in, hello,
(04:34):
mister Penny. Oh Mel Blank. Hello, Mel, what can I
do for you?
Speaker 5 (04:37):
I just dropped in to see if you had a
part from me on your program today.
Speaker 2 (04:40):
Oh, I'm sorry, Mel, I don't need any extra actors today,
but I can.
Speaker 5 (04:43):
Make the listeners think. You've got a lot of stars
on a program. I can imitate Humphrey Boglond, Clark Gable,
Edwich E Robinson and Al Jolson.
Speaker 2 (05:00):
Mel belief me, believe me. I don't need an extra
actor today. I'm sorry.
Speaker 3 (05:05):
Okay, but you.
Speaker 5 (05:06):
I don't know what to call my wife and five daughters.
You have five daughters. I also imitate Eddie Canada.
Speaker 2 (05:13):
Oh get out now, let's see where was I.
Speaker 1 (05:17):
Oh?
Speaker 2 (05:17):
Yes, in our sketch, I'll do the part that was
played by Spencer Tracy, and Deborah Carr's part will be
played by you. Mary.
Speaker 7 (05:25):
Well, wait a minute, Jack, why don't you give Mel
Blank a job?
Speaker 6 (05:28):
He won't charge you much.
Speaker 2 (05:29):
Mary.
Speaker 7 (05:29):
Look, well, you told me yesterday you had a park
for a Western Union boy.
Speaker 2 (05:33):
But could I fill that already?
Speaker 1 (05:34):
Now?
Speaker 2 (05:35):
Dennis Dennis will play the part of Edward my son.
Speaker 1 (05:38):
I got the Sportsman quartet here, and they're all prepared.
They prepared a wonderful song April showers down.
Speaker 2 (05:43):
That's not appropriate. That doesn't fit out program at all.
Speaker 1 (05:46):
Eh Jack, don't let that bother you. The boys can
give you anything you want on the spur of the moment.
Speaker 8 (05:50):
They can add lib what would you like?
Speaker 2 (05:52):
Well, we should have something to fit in with our show,
like tonight, for instance, we're gonna do Edward.
Speaker 1 (05:56):
My Son, Edward my Son.
Speaker 3 (05:58):
Well that's simple.
Speaker 1 (05:59):
Come on, well, I give him something on Edward my Son,
Charlie my boy.
Speaker 2 (06:05):
Oh, Charlie my boy, you're you That song is too old.
Speaker 1 (06:11):
He is that kind of song of Charlie my boy.
Speaker 3 (06:14):
And I don't want that.
Speaker 1 (06:14):
I want Edward my Son, Charlie my Edward my Son,
Edward my Son.
Speaker 2 (06:19):
Oh, Edward my son, you'll change it or arrange it.
And there's how it's done. Instead of Charlie, Charlie, Charlie
my boy.
Speaker 3 (06:28):
We'll make it Edward Edward, Edward my son.
Speaker 2 (06:31):
We want to please you. It's all in father.
Speaker 3 (06:34):
What about the carshalal Edward my.
Speaker 1 (06:36):
Son, carshaw ask Charlie.
Speaker 2 (06:38):
My boy or Edward my son who Edward Edward my Son?
Well done, Don, That was simply wonderful, amazing. I mean,
(07:00):
what other quartet could have taken a song like Charlie
My Boy and switched it completely to Edward my son. Yeah,
now get him out of here, will you have?
Speaker 3 (07:13):
Okay? You better sit down, boys.
Speaker 2 (07:16):
And they can cut that out too. That hasn't gotten
a laugh in three years. Now, come on, kids, let's
get out. Excuse me, come in.
Speaker 1 (07:26):
Yes, telegram for Jack Belly right here?
Speaker 7 (07:31):
Boy, boy Jack, that's Rochester.
Speaker 6 (07:34):
Why is he wearing a Western Union outfit?
Speaker 2 (07:36):
Never mind, Mary, I'll take the telegram. Boy.
Speaker 3 (07:38):
Here you are, sir, you can go.
Speaker 7 (07:40):
Now wait a minute, Jack, So that's why you wouldn't
hire meil blank for the messenger.
Speaker 1 (07:44):
Boy?
Speaker 6 (07:44):
You made Rochester?
Speaker 3 (07:45):
Do it?
Speaker 2 (07:46):
Rochester? You can go.
Speaker 5 (07:50):
If that's the silliest thing I ever heard, making Rochester and.
Speaker 1 (07:55):
Rochester and actor, I wouldn't laugh so much about you,
mister Harris.
Speaker 2 (07:59):
What do you mean?
Speaker 9 (08:00):
As soon as I learned all the lyrics and that's
what I like about the South. You're a one show man.
What won't you come with me?
Speaker 6 (08:18):
Baby?
Speaker 1 (08:18):
There?
Speaker 2 (08:18):
You see my Rochester? Go already?
Speaker 8 (08:22):
Goodbye?
Speaker 3 (08:24):
Goodbye?
Speaker 4 (08:24):
Oh save Oz?
Speaker 3 (08:25):
What is it?
Speaker 9 (08:26):
After I drive you home from the studio, can I
borrow your car and have the rest of the evening
off I got a date with my new girlfriend Susie.
Speaker 2 (08:35):
Well, I guess old Rochester, but be careful this time.
The last time you drove up to mulhalland drive with Susie,
the car broke down. You were stuck up there for
six hours.
Speaker 10 (08:45):
Yeah, go on, Rochester and now kids, getting back to
our sketch, Dennis will play the part of my son.
Speaker 3 (08:59):
Where is that kid?
Speaker 5 (09:00):
Dennis?
Speaker 3 (09:01):
Oh? Here, I am behind the piano. Come on out here.
Speaker 2 (09:04):
I can't why not?
Speaker 3 (09:07):
Poker was a musicians and I lost my pants.
Speaker 2 (09:11):
Stop being silly and come out here. Okay, imagine lets
you Dennis, Why do you make up things like playing
poker with musicians and losing your pants. You're wearing pants,
I know, but they're not mine, Saming.
Speaker 8 (09:21):
The drummer lent them to me.
Speaker 3 (09:25):
But he's such a big fellow.
Speaker 2 (09:26):
How come his pants are so tight on you?
Speaker 8 (09:28):
The piano player lost two He's in here with me.
Speaker 2 (09:35):
Now cut that out, you know, Dennis, I can't understand
what makes you act so silly.
Speaker 8 (09:42):
Oh, that's not my fault. My mother dropped me on
my head when she was burping me.
Speaker 2 (09:47):
Oh when you were a baby.
Speaker 8 (09:48):
No, last night.
Speaker 2 (09:52):
That doesn't Now, love, Dennis, don't say another word?
Speaker 4 (09:55):
Will you do it for me?
Speaker 2 (09:56):
Don't say just sing your song.
Speaker 3 (09:58):
That's all.
Speaker 2 (10:00):
Hold it a minute again.
Speaker 3 (10:01):
Come in.
Speaker 9 (10:02):
Yes, there's a delivery letter for Jack Benny.
Speaker 3 (10:05):
I'll take it.
Speaker 2 (10:05):
Mailman. Thanks now, Dennis, I'll read this letter and you
can sing. You Dennis, Why do you look so.
Speaker 8 (10:13):
Puzzled That mailman was dressed in the Western Union outfit.
Speaker 2 (10:16):
I know, never mind, and he looks exactly like Rochester.
I know, Dennis, he talked like Rochester too. I know,
I know that mail Blank can imitate anybody. Well, haven't
you gone home yet?
Speaker 5 (10:26):
No, I'm waiting around to see if you've got a
part for me and your play.
Speaker 2 (10:29):
I told you I have nothing. All the parts have
been cast. Now go away and leave me alone. She
I don't know what to tell my wife and four daughters.
I thought you had five daughters. I played poker with
the musicians. Well, all right, mel look, mel Blank, look,
there's a small bit in my sketch. You can play
(10:49):
the part of Harry Simpkins, my business partner. Now, go ahead,
Don introduced the play.
Speaker 1 (10:55):
Okay, Ladies and gentlemen, our version of Metro Golden Mayerson's
national film success based on that great English way Edward
my son.
Speaker 2 (11:18):
I am Lord Spencer Bolt, industrialist, financier, banker, A number
among my friends, kings, princes and diplomats. I travel in
the most select social circums. No man in all England
wields more power than I. Yet with it all, I'm
just a good natured slot rear that I carved, the
(11:42):
fortune I built, everything I did was for Edward my son.
It all began many years ago in.
Speaker 3 (12:03):
The quaint little English town of Leicester, Worstinghamshire.
Speaker 2 (12:08):
That name probably means nothing to you, but just try
to spell it sometimes. As my story opens, it is
the first birthday of Edward my son.
Speaker 6 (12:31):
Oh, Spencer, Spencer khmer, What is it?
Speaker 3 (12:33):
Deborah?
Speaker 6 (12:34):
Look at Edward. He's only a year old and he
has a full set of teeth.
Speaker 2 (12:38):
So that's where they are, but looking all over them?
Hello Edward. How does daddy's baby feel on his first birthday?
Speaker 1 (12:49):
The gloop gloop.
Speaker 2 (12:54):
Isney c Yes, Deborah, but I wish his kad didn't
come to such a sharp point.
Speaker 7 (13:00):
We all these, it says, is the price of a babysitter.
When we go out at night, we just stick them in.
Speaker 2 (13:04):
The wall, the White and Genius rather uh, gloop coop
coop Deborah. Why is the baby's diaper so tight?
Speaker 7 (13:15):
There's a piano pier in there with him. Oh yeah,
well this semone at the door.
Speaker 2 (13:24):
Well that must be Harry Simpkin, my new partner. I
spoke to you about.
Speaker 7 (13:27):
You mean the man who was sentenced to hang for
murder and was pardoned three minutes after the trap was brown.
Speaker 2 (13:32):
Yes, but don't say anything about his long neck. He's
sensing it. Oh, I sean, you sean, and don't mention.
Don't mention the a don't mention the eleven prison terms
he served for robbery. Come in, don't stand there in
the fog.
Speaker 3 (13:54):
In no spencer.
Speaker 8 (13:56):
Hello, Yeah, this is my wife.
Speaker 2 (14:01):
This is my wife Deborah.
Speaker 6 (14:02):
Hello, Harry, so nice you to come over for Edward's breathday.
Speaker 5 (14:06):
I wanted to get a bottle of champagne to CELEBRISEE,
but the liquor star was open.
Speaker 3 (14:12):
Yah.
Speaker 2 (14:17):
That's Harley Cricket White. You may think it's strange that
I would go into partnership with a criminal. During the
next few years, Harry and I made lots of money
and we were able to pass most of it without
getting caught.
Speaker 3 (14:30):
Then one day I tipped off Scotland Yard about Harry
and they came and took him to jail.
Speaker 2 (14:35):
I know I was a rat, but in that way
I got rid of Harry Simpkins and mel Blank in
the same time. And I did it all for Edward,
my son. I soon became rich due to some shrewd
(15:03):
business deals, well placed investments, and a short.
Speaker 3 (15:06):
Hitch is a cigarette girl at zero. Eventually I was
made Sir.
Speaker 2 (15:10):
Spencer Bold and it was a happy little group that
gathered to celebrate Edward's fifth birthday. There, Deborah, five candles.
Isn't that a beautiful birthday cake?
Speaker 6 (15:20):
Yeah, but it's five years old. We're rich now, can't
we afford a new cake?
Speaker 2 (15:24):
No, we can't. Why can't we Because we can't. That's
why we bomb. Why spawned money foolishly. I'm saving every
money I make for Edward. By the way, Deborah, where's
the little blighter?
Speaker 6 (15:43):
There he is in his crib.
Speaker 2 (15:44):
He shouldn't be in his crib. Today's his fifth birthday.
Come to daddy, Edward.
Speaker 8 (15:48):
Could you get your good? You get your goo?
Speaker 2 (15:51):
Say Daddy Edward, Say daddy, uh gloop, he.
Speaker 4 (15:55):
Said, daddy, say Daddy again, the gloop again.
Speaker 6 (16:01):
He said it again.
Speaker 2 (16:03):
Well, the time he's ten, he'll be talking.
Speaker 6 (16:10):
Not unless you buy an Edgar Bergen.
Speaker 3 (16:18):
I tried to buy an Edgar Burgen, but see me
a speat me to it. Several years later I.
Speaker 2 (16:25):
Was given the title of Lord Hold. I was proud
of the title because it would be inherited by Edward
my son. I said, by Edward my son, they must.
Speaker 3 (16:41):
Be playing polker again any way. By now my son
was fourteen years old.
Speaker 2 (16:48):
Debby and I were proud parents, and we watched them
count the cantle's on his birthday cake.
Speaker 6 (16:53):
Come on, Edward, count the candles on your case.
Speaker 2 (16:55):
Uh uh, by your fingers, Edward, it will be easier.
Speaker 11 (17:00):
One, two, three, four, five, five, go ahead, some five six,
seven eight, bully, bully, ten.
Speaker 2 (17:20):
No, no, no, no, Edward nine, ten, eleven, nine, ten, eleven, twelve,
go on, go on, keep counting.
Speaker 3 (17:27):
I can't.
Speaker 8 (17:28):
That's all the fingers I've got.
Speaker 6 (17:35):
Well, take off your shoes. You're loaded down there.
Speaker 3 (17:43):
Took all the shoes and toes ran in all directions.
Speaker 4 (17:52):
He looked like he was standing in two places of spaghetti.
Speaker 2 (18:07):
Oh, Deborah, this is Edward's fourteenth birthday. Don't you think
it's time we.
Speaker 3 (18:10):
Sent him to school?
Speaker 6 (18:11):
Well, I'm not sure.
Speaker 2 (18:12):
Perhaps we should consul his nurse. I'll call her and
see what he thinks. Oh, Constance, Constance, your lordship.
Speaker 6 (18:22):
Spencer and we're so rich. Now, don't you think.
Speaker 7 (18:26):
We get the nurse a white dress instead of the
Western Union outfit?
Speaker 2 (18:30):
Now, Constance, I wanted to ask you if you think
Edward is ready to start school.
Speaker 9 (18:34):
Well, I don't know, your Lordship. You see, he can't
take care of himself. I still have to give him
his bath every day.
Speaker 6 (18:40):
Which reminds me, Constance, is it true.
Speaker 7 (18:43):
That last night when you were giving Edward a bath
he held his head under the water ten times?
Speaker 9 (18:48):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (18:51):
You may, I know.
Speaker 12 (18:53):
Yeah, you make go cons It's better luck next time.
Speaker 3 (19:08):
You.
Speaker 2 (19:10):
Now, Edward, we're thinking of putting you in school.
Speaker 8 (19:12):
Well, if I go to school, can I take my
frog along?
Speaker 1 (19:15):
Yes?
Speaker 2 (19:15):
Yes, you can take your frog. The next day we
went to school. We took the Affords examinations. Edward didn't pass,
but the frog did. But that didn't stop me. I
bought to school, grabbed Edward by the head, and stuck him.
In the second grade with Edward and school.
Speaker 3 (19:35):
My incentive to work was greater than ever.
Speaker 2 (19:37):
I mean millions and millions I had to My wife
was one of the ten best dressed women in England.
Speaker 3 (19:44):
I even gave her a charge account in Eastern Columbia Piccadilly.
If not.
Speaker 2 (19:51):
Three years went by, it was lonely for me, a Deborah.
With Edward in school, it wasn't quite the same.
Speaker 6 (19:56):
Censor with Edward in school, it isn't quite the same.
I just said there, I thought I heard it.
Speaker 2 (20:01):
You'll hear it again at nine p thirty. But Deborah,
you can't imagine how much I'd missed my boy since
he's been awake.
Speaker 3 (20:11):
Sometimes.
Speaker 6 (20:12):
Who they're coming at the door?
Speaker 3 (20:13):
I'll get it. I wonder who it is.
Speaker 8 (20:16):
It's me, Edward, my son, Edward.
Speaker 6 (20:22):
It's you.
Speaker 2 (20:23):
It's you, my boy, the apple of my mind, the
pride of life. Oh, I've dedicated my whole existence to
I've worn't struggling force my way to the top because
you can have.
Speaker 3 (20:33):
The better things of life.
Speaker 2 (20:34):
And now now you've come back to me.
Speaker 6 (20:38):
You have come back to me.
Speaker 2 (20:41):
I didn't have much on the last week's show, but
this week I'm loaded.
Speaker 3 (20:55):
Edward.
Speaker 6 (20:55):
What are you doing home from school.
Speaker 8 (20:57):
I had to come home mother, I missed you and gloom.
Speaker 3 (21:01):
He never did learn how to say, daddy, make.
Speaker 7 (21:06):
Yourself comfortable, take off your hat and coat.
Speaker 2 (21:09):
We couldn't ask him to take off his shoes. We
were living in a smaller place. Oh we were happy
because with us back again, Redwood nice son, and so
Edward grew to young manhood.
Speaker 3 (21:29):
Nothing could stop him.
Speaker 2 (21:30):
But then then came the war. First the men were wreathed,
then the women, and.
Speaker 3 (21:36):
Finally they took Edward.
Speaker 2 (21:39):
It was terrible only that any day might be as lost,
for there was no time for sentiment. And then it happened.
A man from the war department came to our house.
We could tell by the look on his face that
something terrible had happened to him.
Speaker 3 (21:53):
He was grinning from meire to you. He looked at
me and said.
Speaker 12 (21:58):
Lord Bull, are you the father of Edward my son?
Speaker 3 (22:03):
Yes, I am.
Speaker 2 (22:04):
It's my unpleasant duty to inform you that your We're
not quite clear on the details. All we know is
that Edward bailed out, bailed out. What happened to his plane?
Speaker 1 (22:17):
Oh, he wasn't in a plane, he was in a submarine.
Speaker 2 (22:25):
I understand, you do. Why so my son Edward was browned. Yes,
but we saved the piano player.
Speaker 3 (22:37):
Good good, Well that's my story.
Speaker 2 (22:42):
I'm an old man now and all I have left
is an old wife and an old piano player. But
there's one thing I know, I Lord Spencer Bold, will
always treasure the memory of my son.
Speaker 3 (23:00):
Oh Edford, my son. We changed it or raised it.
Speaker 2 (23:04):
And now that it's done, are Mary? What's the fewest
ever car? But Spencer Tracy showed up Fanny by mom.
Speaker 3 (23:12):
What can you expect from a four minute star? Oh Afford,
my son.
Speaker 2 (23:21):
All right, we'll be back to us a little book.
Speaker 3 (23:23):
Bart.
Speaker 2 (23:29):
We're a little late, so good night, folks.
The Jack Bunny Program. You're starring Jack Kenny with Mary Livingston, Tellharis,
Rochester Dynasty and yours probably God Wills.
Speaker 2 (00:16):
And here he is, Jack Benny. Thank you, thank you,
thank you. Hello again, this is Jack Benny talking on Don.
I don't want to sound like a ham, but I
think it was awful that on our opening program last week,
I was only on for four minutes.
Speaker 1 (00:38):
Well, Jack, you may be interested to know that letters
have been pouring in commenting on your brief appearance.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
Really, don, what do they say?
Speaker 1 (00:45):
Life can be beautiful?
Speaker 3 (00:52):
Don? Don?
Speaker 2 (00:54):
I suppose you thought that was pretty funny. Jack, it's
about I made that up myself.
Speaker 3 (01:04):
Oh you uh?
Speaker 2 (01:05):
You made it up yourself?
Speaker 4 (01:07):
Yeah, uh don excuse.
Speaker 2 (01:12):
Me a minute.
Speaker 3 (01:19):
Hello.
Speaker 2 (01:21):
Is this the Unemployment Insurance Office?
Speaker 3 (01:25):
It is.
Speaker 2 (01:26):
Well, you can start making out a thin check for
a fat boy. Goodbye and now, folks, for the remainder
of this program, we will struggle along without the services
of mister America North, South and Central.
Speaker 1 (01:45):
So getting on with the shaman of Jackson holding the minute.
Speaker 5 (01:48):
You can't do that to Donzie.
Speaker 2 (01:50):
Do I hear a voice from NBC Phil Did you
say something I did?
Speaker 1 (02:00):
What do you meant?
Speaker 5 (02:00):
At Don, for you don't have to get sord just
because somebody else gets a laugh.
Speaker 1 (02:04):
We've all got to make a buck, you know, well, Phil, Well,
we got to look out for our future. I ain't
worried about myself on Mary Dallas. But what about the
rest of the game, Phil, You know, we'd all like to.
Speaker 5 (02:16):
Have a few luxuries, you know, I mean, let us
live a little bit.
Speaker 2 (02:20):
Phil, as long as the rail is pure brass and
they don't run out of olives. You're happy now, Don, Yes, sir,
believe me, Don. I don't care who gets the laughs
on this show, just that I think it's time that
the star is shown a little more respect by his subordinates. Subordinates. Yes,
(02:42):
that's what you are, you Don, Mary, You're all subordinates.
Now let's go jail.
Speaker 3 (02:48):
By a sub.
Speaker 1 (02:51):
Sub Yeah, let me and you heard you're a subordinate.
Speaker 6 (02:54):
Subordinate to who?
Speaker 5 (02:56):
To the little man who we only needed for four
minutes last week?
Speaker 2 (03:01):
That's to whom? Now, kids, I'm sorry, I was tired
of the whole thing, so let's forget it. Oh, don
excuse me a minute, Jack, I'd like to say something
to marry to me, Don, Yes, I want to congratulate
you on being selected as one of the ten best
dressed women in America. Oh yes, congratulations. Well thanks boys,
but you were thrilled.
Speaker 3 (03:16):
Weren't you married? Oh?
Speaker 6 (03:17):
I said, and he was done. I thought it was
quite an honor they live.
Speaker 3 (03:20):
Let me get this straight.
Speaker 1 (03:21):
You were picked as one of the best dressed women
in America.
Speaker 6 (03:24):
Uh huh?
Speaker 5 (03:25):
On what Jackson, Pagia, how can you afford.
Speaker 3 (03:28):
The dress like that?
Speaker 6 (03:29):
My mother used to be a cigarette girl at Cereal's.
Speaker 3 (03:35):
He was not. She was too.
Speaker 6 (03:37):
She was known as no change Livingstone.
Speaker 2 (03:41):
Oh well, I apologized, Mary Olivia.
Speaker 3 (03:43):
I just thought of something.
Speaker 1 (03:44):
Do you know why Gypsy rose Lee didn't met her
the best Dressed women contest?
Speaker 3 (03:48):
Now? Why because she.
Speaker 2 (03:49):
Couldn't bear to lose.
Speaker 5 (03:54):
Oh, Harris, you may only be a subordinate, but that
joke alone will run for four minutes.
Speaker 2 (04:09):
It will if they don't open the window. Now, love, kids, kids. Tonight,
we have a very important sketch to do, so let's
get on with it. Tonight we're going to present our
version of that famous Metro Goldwen Mayor picture Edward my
son Now in this sketch, pardon me come in, hello,
(04:34):
mister Penny. Oh Mel Blank. Hello, Mel, what can I
do for you?
Speaker 5 (04:37):
I just dropped in to see if you had a
part from me on your program today.
Speaker 2 (04:40):
Oh, I'm sorry, Mel, I don't need any extra actors today,
but I can.
Speaker 5 (04:43):
Make the listeners think. You've got a lot of stars
on a program. I can imitate Humphrey Boglond, Clark Gable,
Edwich E Robinson and Al Jolson.
Speaker 2 (05:00):
Mel belief me, believe me. I don't need an extra
actor today. I'm sorry.
Speaker 3 (05:05):
Okay, but you.
Speaker 5 (05:06):
I don't know what to call my wife and five daughters.
You have five daughters. I also imitate Eddie Canada.
Speaker 2 (05:13):
Oh get out now, let's see where was I.
Speaker 1 (05:17):
Oh?
Speaker 2 (05:17):
Yes, in our sketch, I'll do the part that was
played by Spencer Tracy, and Deborah Carr's part will be
played by you. Mary.
Speaker 7 (05:25):
Well, wait a minute, Jack, why don't you give Mel
Blank a job?
Speaker 6 (05:28):
He won't charge you much.
Speaker 2 (05:29):
Mary.
Speaker 7 (05:29):
Look, well, you told me yesterday you had a park
for a Western Union boy.
Speaker 2 (05:33):
But could I fill that already?
Speaker 1 (05:34):
Now?
Speaker 2 (05:35):
Dennis Dennis will play the part of Edward my son.
Speaker 1 (05:38):
I got the Sportsman quartet here, and they're all prepared.
They prepared a wonderful song April showers down.
Speaker 2 (05:43):
That's not appropriate. That doesn't fit out program at all.
Speaker 1 (05:46):
Eh Jack, don't let that bother you. The boys can
give you anything you want on the spur of the moment.
Speaker 8 (05:50):
They can add lib what would you like?
Speaker 2 (05:52):
Well, we should have something to fit in with our show,
like tonight, for instance, we're gonna do Edward.
Speaker 1 (05:56):
My Son, Edward my Son.
Speaker 3 (05:58):
Well that's simple.
Speaker 1 (05:59):
Come on, well, I give him something on Edward my Son,
Charlie my boy.
Speaker 2 (06:05):
Oh, Charlie my boy, you're you That song is too old.
Speaker 1 (06:11):
He is that kind of song of Charlie my boy.
Speaker 3 (06:14):
And I don't want that.
Speaker 1 (06:14):
I want Edward my Son, Charlie my Edward my Son,
Edward my Son.
Speaker 2 (06:19):
Oh, Edward my son, you'll change it or arrange it.
And there's how it's done. Instead of Charlie, Charlie, Charlie
my boy.
Speaker 3 (06:28):
We'll make it Edward Edward, Edward my son.
Speaker 2 (06:31):
We want to please you. It's all in father.
Speaker 3 (06:34):
What about the carshalal Edward my.
Speaker 1 (06:36):
Son, carshaw ask Charlie.
Speaker 2 (06:38):
My boy or Edward my son who Edward Edward my Son?
Well done, Don, That was simply wonderful, amazing. I mean,
(07:00):
what other quartet could have taken a song like Charlie
My Boy and switched it completely to Edward my son. Yeah,
now get him out of here, will you have?
Speaker 3 (07:13):
Okay? You better sit down, boys.
Speaker 2 (07:16):
And they can cut that out too. That hasn't gotten
a laugh in three years. Now, come on, kids, let's
get out. Excuse me, come in.
Speaker 1 (07:26):
Yes, telegram for Jack Belly right here?
Speaker 7 (07:31):
Boy, boy Jack, that's Rochester.
Speaker 6 (07:34):
Why is he wearing a Western Union outfit?
Speaker 2 (07:36):
Never mind, Mary, I'll take the telegram. Boy.
Speaker 3 (07:38):
Here you are, sir, you can go.
Speaker 7 (07:40):
Now wait a minute, Jack, So that's why you wouldn't
hire meil blank for the messenger.
Speaker 1 (07:44):
Boy?
Speaker 6 (07:44):
You made Rochester?
Speaker 3 (07:45):
Do it?
Speaker 2 (07:46):
Rochester? You can go.
Speaker 5 (07:50):
If that's the silliest thing I ever heard, making Rochester and.
Speaker 1 (07:55):
Rochester and actor, I wouldn't laugh so much about you,
mister Harris.
Speaker 2 (07:59):
What do you mean?
Speaker 9 (08:00):
As soon as I learned all the lyrics and that's
what I like about the South. You're a one show man.
What won't you come with me?
Speaker 6 (08:18):
Baby?
Speaker 1 (08:18):
There?
Speaker 2 (08:18):
You see my Rochester? Go already?
Speaker 8 (08:22):
Goodbye?
Speaker 3 (08:24):
Goodbye?
Speaker 4 (08:24):
Oh save Oz?
Speaker 3 (08:25):
What is it?
Speaker 9 (08:26):
After I drive you home from the studio, can I
borrow your car and have the rest of the evening
off I got a date with my new girlfriend Susie.
Speaker 2 (08:35):
Well, I guess old Rochester, but be careful this time.
The last time you drove up to mulhalland drive with Susie,
the car broke down. You were stuck up there for
six hours.
Speaker 10 (08:45):
Yeah, go on, Rochester and now kids, getting back to
our sketch, Dennis will play the part of my son.
Speaker 3 (08:59):
Where is that kid?
Speaker 5 (09:00):
Dennis?
Speaker 3 (09:01):
Oh? Here, I am behind the piano. Come on out here.
Speaker 2 (09:04):
I can't why not?
Speaker 3 (09:07):
Poker was a musicians and I lost my pants.
Speaker 2 (09:11):
Stop being silly and come out here. Okay, imagine lets
you Dennis, Why do you make up things like playing
poker with musicians and losing your pants. You're wearing pants,
I know, but they're not mine, Saming.
Speaker 8 (09:21):
The drummer lent them to me.
Speaker 3 (09:25):
But he's such a big fellow.
Speaker 2 (09:26):
How come his pants are so tight on you?
Speaker 8 (09:28):
The piano player lost two He's in here with me.
Speaker 2 (09:35):
Now cut that out, you know, Dennis, I can't understand
what makes you act so silly.
Speaker 8 (09:42):
Oh, that's not my fault. My mother dropped me on
my head when she was burping me.
Speaker 2 (09:47):
Oh when you were a baby.
Speaker 8 (09:48):
No, last night.
Speaker 2 (09:52):
That doesn't Now, love, Dennis, don't say another word?
Speaker 4 (09:55):
Will you do it for me?
Speaker 2 (09:56):
Don't say just sing your song.
Speaker 3 (09:58):
That's all.
Speaker 2 (10:00):
Hold it a minute again.
Speaker 3 (10:01):
Come in.
Speaker 9 (10:02):
Yes, there's a delivery letter for Jack Benny.
Speaker 3 (10:05):
I'll take it.
Speaker 2 (10:05):
Mailman. Thanks now, Dennis, I'll read this letter and you
can sing. You Dennis, Why do you look so.
Speaker 8 (10:13):
Puzzled That mailman was dressed in the Western Union outfit.
Speaker 2 (10:16):
I know, never mind, and he looks exactly like Rochester.
I know, Dennis, he talked like Rochester too. I know,
I know that mail Blank can imitate anybody. Well, haven't
you gone home yet?
Speaker 5 (10:26):
No, I'm waiting around to see if you've got a
part for me and your play.
Speaker 2 (10:29):
I told you I have nothing. All the parts have
been cast. Now go away and leave me alone. She
I don't know what to tell my wife and four daughters.
I thought you had five daughters. I played poker with
the musicians. Well, all right, mel look, mel Blank, look,
there's a small bit in my sketch. You can play
(10:49):
the part of Harry Simpkins, my business partner. Now, go ahead,
Don introduced the play.
Speaker 1 (10:55):
Okay, Ladies and gentlemen, our version of Metro Golden Mayerson's
national film success based on that great English way Edward
my son.
Speaker 2 (11:18):
I am Lord Spencer Bolt, industrialist, financier, banker, A number
among my friends, kings, princes and diplomats. I travel in
the most select social circums. No man in all England
wields more power than I. Yet with it all, I'm
just a good natured slot rear that I carved, the
(11:42):
fortune I built, everything I did was for Edward my son.
It all began many years ago in.
Speaker 3 (12:03):
The quaint little English town of Leicester, Worstinghamshire.
Speaker 2 (12:08):
That name probably means nothing to you, but just try
to spell it sometimes. As my story opens, it is
the first birthday of Edward my son.
Speaker 6 (12:31):
Oh, Spencer, Spencer khmer, What is it?
Speaker 3 (12:33):
Deborah?
Speaker 6 (12:34):
Look at Edward. He's only a year old and he
has a full set of teeth.
Speaker 2 (12:38):
So that's where they are, but looking all over them?
Hello Edward. How does daddy's baby feel on his first birthday?
Speaker 1 (12:49):
The gloop gloop.
Speaker 2 (12:54):
Isney c Yes, Deborah, but I wish his kad didn't
come to such a sharp point.
Speaker 7 (13:00):
We all these, it says, is the price of a babysitter.
When we go out at night, we just stick them in.
Speaker 2 (13:04):
The wall, the White and Genius rather uh, gloop coop
coop Deborah. Why is the baby's diaper so tight?
Speaker 7 (13:15):
There's a piano pier in there with him. Oh yeah,
well this semone at the door.
Speaker 2 (13:24):
Well that must be Harry Simpkin, my new partner. I
spoke to you about.
Speaker 7 (13:27):
You mean the man who was sentenced to hang for
murder and was pardoned three minutes after the trap was brown.
Speaker 2 (13:32):
Yes, but don't say anything about his long neck. He's
sensing it. Oh, I sean, you sean, and don't mention.
Don't mention the a don't mention the eleven prison terms
he served for robbery. Come in, don't stand there in
the fog.
Speaker 3 (13:54):
In no spencer.
Speaker 8 (13:56):
Hello, Yeah, this is my wife.
Speaker 2 (14:01):
This is my wife Deborah.
Speaker 6 (14:02):
Hello, Harry, so nice you to come over for Edward's breathday.
Speaker 5 (14:06):
I wanted to get a bottle of champagne to CELEBRISEE,
but the liquor star was open.
Speaker 3 (14:12):
Yah.
Speaker 2 (14:17):
That's Harley Cricket White. You may think it's strange that
I would go into partnership with a criminal. During the
next few years, Harry and I made lots of money
and we were able to pass most of it without
getting caught.
Speaker 3 (14:30):
Then one day I tipped off Scotland Yard about Harry
and they came and took him to jail.
Speaker 2 (14:35):
I know I was a rat, but in that way
I got rid of Harry Simpkins and mel Blank in
the same time. And I did it all for Edward,
my son. I soon became rich due to some shrewd
(15:03):
business deals, well placed investments, and a short.
Speaker 3 (15:06):
Hitch is a cigarette girl at zero. Eventually I was
made Sir.
Speaker 2 (15:10):
Spencer Bold and it was a happy little group that
gathered to celebrate Edward's fifth birthday. There, Deborah, five candles.
Isn't that a beautiful birthday cake?
Speaker 6 (15:20):
Yeah, but it's five years old. We're rich now, can't
we afford a new cake?
Speaker 2 (15:24):
No, we can't. Why can't we Because we can't. That's
why we bomb. Why spawned money foolishly. I'm saving every
money I make for Edward. By the way, Deborah, where's
the little blighter?
Speaker 6 (15:43):
There he is in his crib.
Speaker 2 (15:44):
He shouldn't be in his crib. Today's his fifth birthday.
Come to daddy, Edward.
Speaker 8 (15:48):
Could you get your good? You get your goo?
Speaker 2 (15:51):
Say Daddy Edward, Say daddy, uh gloop, he.
Speaker 4 (15:55):
Said, daddy, say Daddy again, the gloop again.
Speaker 6 (16:01):
He said it again.
Speaker 2 (16:03):
Well, the time he's ten, he'll be talking.
Speaker 6 (16:10):
Not unless you buy an Edgar Bergen.
Speaker 3 (16:18):
I tried to buy an Edgar Burgen, but see me
a speat me to it. Several years later I.
Speaker 2 (16:25):
Was given the title of Lord Hold. I was proud
of the title because it would be inherited by Edward
my son. I said, by Edward my son, they must.
Speaker 3 (16:41):
Be playing polker again any way. By now my son
was fourteen years old.
Speaker 2 (16:48):
Debby and I were proud parents, and we watched them
count the cantle's on his birthday cake.
Speaker 6 (16:53):
Come on, Edward, count the candles on your case.
Speaker 2 (16:55):
Uh uh, by your fingers, Edward, it will be easier.
Speaker 11 (17:00):
One, two, three, four, five, five, go ahead, some five six,
seven eight, bully, bully, ten.
Speaker 2 (17:20):
No, no, no, no, Edward nine, ten, eleven, nine, ten, eleven, twelve,
go on, go on, keep counting.
Speaker 3 (17:27):
I can't.
Speaker 8 (17:28):
That's all the fingers I've got.
Speaker 6 (17:35):
Well, take off your shoes. You're loaded down there.
Speaker 3 (17:43):
Took all the shoes and toes ran in all directions.
Speaker 4 (17:52):
He looked like he was standing in two places of spaghetti.
Speaker 2 (18:07):
Oh, Deborah, this is Edward's fourteenth birthday. Don't you think
it's time we.
Speaker 3 (18:10):
Sent him to school?
Speaker 6 (18:11):
Well, I'm not sure.
Speaker 2 (18:12):
Perhaps we should consul his nurse. I'll call her and
see what he thinks. Oh, Constance, Constance, your lordship.
Speaker 6 (18:22):
Spencer and we're so rich. Now, don't you think.
Speaker 7 (18:26):
We get the nurse a white dress instead of the
Western Union outfit?
Speaker 2 (18:30):
Now, Constance, I wanted to ask you if you think
Edward is ready to start school.
Speaker 9 (18:34):
Well, I don't know, your Lordship. You see, he can't
take care of himself. I still have to give him
his bath every day.
Speaker 6 (18:40):
Which reminds me, Constance, is it true.
Speaker 7 (18:43):
That last night when you were giving Edward a bath
he held his head under the water ten times?
Speaker 9 (18:48):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (18:51):
You may, I know.
Speaker 12 (18:53):
Yeah, you make go cons It's better luck next time.
Speaker 3 (19:08):
You.
Speaker 2 (19:10):
Now, Edward, we're thinking of putting you in school.
Speaker 8 (19:12):
Well, if I go to school, can I take my
frog along?
Speaker 1 (19:15):
Yes?
Speaker 2 (19:15):
Yes, you can take your frog. The next day we
went to school. We took the Affords examinations. Edward didn't pass,
but the frog did. But that didn't stop me. I
bought to school, grabbed Edward by the head, and stuck him.
In the second grade with Edward and school.
Speaker 3 (19:35):
My incentive to work was greater than ever.
Speaker 2 (19:37):
I mean millions and millions I had to My wife
was one of the ten best dressed women in England.
Speaker 3 (19:44):
I even gave her a charge account in Eastern Columbia Piccadilly.
If not.
Speaker 2 (19:51):
Three years went by, it was lonely for me, a Deborah.
With Edward in school, it wasn't quite the same.
Speaker 6 (19:56):
Censor with Edward in school, it isn't quite the same.
I just said there, I thought I heard it.
Speaker 2 (20:01):
You'll hear it again at nine p thirty. But Deborah,
you can't imagine how much I'd missed my boy since
he's been awake.
Speaker 3 (20:11):
Sometimes.
Speaker 6 (20:12):
Who they're coming at the door?
Speaker 3 (20:13):
I'll get it. I wonder who it is.
Speaker 8 (20:16):
It's me, Edward, my son, Edward.
Speaker 6 (20:22):
It's you.
Speaker 2 (20:23):
It's you, my boy, the apple of my mind, the
pride of life. Oh, I've dedicated my whole existence to
I've worn't struggling force my way to the top because
you can have.
Speaker 3 (20:33):
The better things of life.
Speaker 2 (20:34):
And now now you've come back to me.
Speaker 6 (20:38):
You have come back to me.
Speaker 2 (20:41):
I didn't have much on the last week's show, but
this week I'm loaded.
Speaker 3 (20:55):
Edward.
Speaker 6 (20:55):
What are you doing home from school.
Speaker 8 (20:57):
I had to come home mother, I missed you and gloom.
Speaker 3 (21:01):
He never did learn how to say, daddy, make.
Speaker 7 (21:06):
Yourself comfortable, take off your hat and coat.
Speaker 2 (21:09):
We couldn't ask him to take off his shoes. We
were living in a smaller place. Oh we were happy
because with us back again, Redwood nice son, and so
Edward grew to young manhood.
Speaker 3 (21:29):
Nothing could stop him.
Speaker 2 (21:30):
But then then came the war. First the men were wreathed,
then the women, and.
Speaker 3 (21:36):
Finally they took Edward.
Speaker 2 (21:39):
It was terrible only that any day might be as lost,
for there was no time for sentiment. And then it happened.
A man from the war department came to our house.
We could tell by the look on his face that
something terrible had happened to him.
Speaker 3 (21:53):
He was grinning from meire to you. He looked at
me and said.
Speaker 12 (21:58):
Lord Bull, are you the father of Edward my son?
Speaker 3 (22:03):
Yes, I am.
Speaker 2 (22:04):
It's my unpleasant duty to inform you that your We're
not quite clear on the details. All we know is
that Edward bailed out, bailed out. What happened to his plane?
Speaker 1 (22:17):
Oh, he wasn't in a plane, he was in a submarine.
Speaker 2 (22:25):
I understand, you do. Why so my son Edward was browned. Yes,
but we saved the piano player.
Speaker 3 (22:37):
Good good, Well that's my story.
Speaker 2 (22:42):
I'm an old man now and all I have left
is an old wife and an old piano player. But
there's one thing I know, I Lord Spencer Bold, will
always treasure the memory of my son.
Speaker 3 (23:00):
Oh Edford, my son. We changed it or raised it.
Speaker 2 (23:04):
And now that it's done, are Mary? What's the fewest
ever car? But Spencer Tracy showed up Fanny by mom.
Speaker 3 (23:12):
What can you expect from a four minute star? Oh Afford,
my son.
Speaker 2 (23:21):
All right, we'll be back to us a little book.
Speaker 3 (23:23):
Bart.
Speaker 2 (23:29):
We're a little late, so good night, folks.
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