July 29, 2025 • 29 mins
A legendary variety show blending witty monologues, comic sketches, and musical interludes, all anchored by the impeccable timing of its beloved host. It’s a masterclass in comedic timing.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
The Jack Many Program, Professor.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
Ana American.
Speaker 1 (00:09):
For your own real deep down smoking enjoyment. Remember Las
MFT Lucky Strike means fine tobacco, and fine tobacco is
what counts in a cigarette, year after year, at auction
after auction, independent tobacco experts, auctioneers, buyers and warehousemen can
see the makers of Lucky Strike consistently select and buy
that fine, that light, that naturally mild tobacco, fine light,
(00:32):
naturally mild tobacco. Yes, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco, and
in a cigarette, it's the tobacco that counts. So for
your own real deep down smoking enjoyment, smoke that smoke
of fine tobacco Lucky.
Speaker 3 (00:44):
Strike, so round, so firm, so.
Speaker 1 (00:46):
Fully packed, so free and easy on the.
Speaker 3 (00:49):
Draw at the line I American.
Speaker 1 (01:03):
The Lucky's Trick Program starring Jack Benny with Mary's Mixon,
Phil Harris, Rochester, dennisde and you're truly Don Wilson. Ladies
and gentlemen, Let's go out to Jack Benny's house in
(01:24):
Beverly Hills, where we find Jack and Phil Harris alone
in the library. Well, Jackson, you asked me to come
out to your house and see you alone.
Speaker 4 (01:33):
What's all the mystery?
Speaker 3 (01:35):
Wait a minute, Phil, I want to lock the door.
Speaker 4 (01:45):
Okay, Jackson, what is it?
Speaker 1 (01:46):
Yes?
Speaker 3 (01:47):
Second, Phil, I want to shut the window.
Speaker 1 (01:55):
All right, all right, you locked the door, closed the window,
and drew the blinds.
Speaker 3 (01:58):
Now what do you want? Phil?
Speaker 1 (02:02):
Something's got to be done about your orchestra. I don't
know what, kid, but something.
Speaker 4 (02:17):
Are you kidding?
Speaker 3 (02:18):
No?
Speaker 4 (02:18):
Phil?
Speaker 1 (02:19):
Look, I'll admit when we're doing radio shows I joke
about your music. But now we're in my home, just
the two of us. Believe me, I'm serious. Something has
got to be done or else. I'll wait a minute, Jackson,
don't go get in tough with me. If you've got
any to be funked up a trillo, I've already talked
to a trillo and he's on my side.
Speaker 4 (02:42):
Believe me, on your side.
Speaker 1 (02:44):
How do you like that you miss your dus one
week and the mother hands.
Speaker 3 (02:46):
Starts kicking you out of the nest?
Speaker 1 (02:49):
Look, Phil, after ten years, I don't mind your band.
I'm used to it. But listen to these letters I've
been getting. Listen to this one, Dear mister Benny, I
am a whole prey farmer. I read in a magazine.
That music helps the hens lay more eggs. So I
put a radio in the henhouse. Two weeks ago, I tuned.
Speaker 4 (03:10):
In your program. The hens heard.
Speaker 3 (03:12):
Phil Harris's orchestra.
Speaker 1 (03:14):
Now they are laying more eggs than ever. But the
yokes are green. There you are, Phil, What do you
think of that green yolks? The guy's got something there.
You can use them in my poenies, please my stroke.
Look here's another one. I get this other letter. Dear
(03:35):
mister Bennet. I am a professor of English and literature
at Harvard's, and for years and years I have consistently
listened to your Sunday presentations.
Speaker 3 (03:44):
I have found your construction.
Speaker 1 (03:45):
And continuity compact and concise, your dialogue singularly free of
cliches and ponderosities. But mister Harris's musical ensemble stings, and
Phil this proves he's a high flass professor. He spells
(04:08):
stinks with a y. Now those two letters are just
samples of the maile that comes in every week.
Speaker 3 (04:16):
I get thousands and thousands and thousands of letters like those.
Speaker 1 (04:19):
Well, if I'm getting all that mail, I want more dough.
Oh look, Phil, what I'm trying to tell you that
you better do something about your orchestra.
Speaker 3 (04:29):
What are you talking about.
Speaker 1 (04:30):
I got one of the greatest musical aggravations in the country.
That's aggregation. But for once, you're right, course, I'm right.
You take my boys, They've all got great backgrounds in.
Speaker 4 (04:41):
The music business. Oh fine, sure.
Speaker 1 (04:43):
Take Frankie, my guitar player for seven years. He played
first washboard for Spike Jones. Well, he's not playing the
washboard now, so tell him to stop strumming his guitar
with that box of does if he's that close to soap,
why does he get some of it on orm And
Charlie you're canna. I'll wait a minute, don't be talking
(05:04):
about Charlie.
Speaker 4 (05:05):
My piano player.
Speaker 1 (05:06):
He had a job with Guy Lombardo's orchestrap for twelve years.
Speaker 4 (05:09):
Twelve years was Guy Lombardo? Yeah, and he wasn't even
a brother.
Speaker 3 (05:16):
Phil.
Speaker 1 (05:16):
That has nothing to do with it. And believe me, Phil,
I'm not picking on you. I'm just trying to arrive
at an understanding. Now, Phil, I know you're sensitive, so
I'm I'm so I'm talking to you not as an employer,
but as your friend. Now, let's try to Phil, stop
(05:38):
chewing on that hamhock and listen.
Speaker 3 (05:40):
To me, please.
Speaker 1 (05:41):
I'm sorry, Jackson. I just happened to have one in
my pocket, all right, But Phil, I hope we understand
each other. Now, Okay, Jackson, look, I got to run along.
Speaker 4 (05:50):
Do you mind if I go?
Speaker 3 (05:51):
No?
Speaker 4 (05:51):
No, go ahead, Phil.
Speaker 3 (05:53):
I said, you can go.
Speaker 4 (05:54):
What are you waiting for?
Speaker 3 (05:56):
Well open the door, Richard.
Speaker 1 (05:59):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (05:59):
Yeah, along Jackson?
Speaker 2 (06:03):
Hello?
Speaker 3 (06:03):
Phil? Oh oh?
Speaker 5 (06:12):
Orry?
Speaker 1 (06:13):
Sorry, come on in the library. I want to hear
all about your trip.
Speaker 4 (06:16):
Where'd you go?
Speaker 1 (06:17):
Jack?
Speaker 5 (06:17):
I thought you knew I went back eased to attend
my mother and father's wedding anniversary?
Speaker 3 (06:21):
Really, and how were the Duke and Dutchess of Plainfield?
Speaker 5 (06:25):
Oh? Swelling? You know, Jack, they have the cutest way
of keeping track of their anniversaries.
Speaker 3 (06:29):
Each year.
Speaker 5 (06:29):
On their wedding days, Papa snips off a lock of
Mama's hair and puts it away.
Speaker 3 (06:33):
Well, that's awfully sweet. How long have they've been married?
Speaker 5 (06:36):
I don't know if for the last three years they've
been calling Mama baldy.
Speaker 3 (06:40):
And Jack.
Speaker 5 (06:41):
You should have seen my sister, babe.
Speaker 3 (06:43):
She looked beautiful.
Speaker 5 (06:44):
She wore a strap this evening gown and was really glamorous.
Speaker 3 (06:46):
You don't Mary, Those track was gone fascinated me.
Speaker 4 (06:48):
How do they keep them up?
Speaker 5 (06:50):
I don't know about the other girl, but baby uses
fish hooks. Fish hooks when Babe's out to catch a guy,
she ain't kidding.
Speaker 3 (06:57):
Oh how'd she do?
Speaker 5 (06:58):
Oh she's got a nice boyfriend.
Speaker 3 (06:59):
Now.
Speaker 5 (07:00):
He's a credit dentist.
Speaker 1 (07:01):
Oh you mean one of those dentists will let their
patients put them on the installment plan.
Speaker 6 (07:04):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (07:05):
One of his slogans is don't sit around and dumb
your hat just because you're short of cash.
Speaker 1 (07:13):
One of his slogan.
Speaker 4 (07:14):
You mean he has others.
Speaker 5 (07:15):
Yeah, his best one is don't keep your lips closed
in sorrow, smile today and pay tomorrow.
Speaker 3 (07:22):
Well, he certainly sounds like the right guy for Babe.
Speaker 5 (07:24):
Yes, and he's very successful too. He's the one who
invented that new lower plate. It bites underwater.
Speaker 1 (07:32):
Oh, yes, it's got those new ball points all the Wait, Marry,
would you like that dinner with me? Oh?
Speaker 5 (07:37):
I can't. Jack Dennis is coming by to pick me
up in a few minutes. He's taking me to a movie.
Speaker 1 (07:42):
Oh how come you're going out with Dennis tonight?
Speaker 3 (07:44):
Well?
Speaker 5 (07:45):
He called me up and playing field for the day.
Speaker 3 (07:48):
Dennis pooned you in plainfield?
Speaker 1 (07:50):
Long distance?
Speaker 5 (07:52):
Yes, long distance?
Speaker 1 (07:53):
Well, of course he has two shows, you know, Mary
I Mary, Ollo kid, we were.
Speaker 4 (08:02):
Just talking about you.
Speaker 1 (08:03):
I'm ready to go, Danni, say, mister Bennie, ask me
what picture we're gonna see? Why?
Speaker 3 (08:07):
I say, ask me what picture we're gonna see? All right?
Speaker 4 (08:10):
Or what picture you gonna see?
Speaker 1 (08:11):
It's the one about a couple of deers, A couple
of deers, the Yearling, No, the Dolly sisters.
Speaker 3 (08:19):
Why if you're stepped into that one?
Speaker 1 (08:22):
Damn her big time comedian. You ain't got that ocador
spackle to stop with a joke. Wait a minute, kids, Hello,
oh hello, Don? What you been rehearsing with commercial for
next week?
Speaker 4 (08:40):
Don?
Speaker 3 (08:40):
What's so difficult about the commercial that you have to
rehearse it?
Speaker 1 (08:43):
All you have to say is ls mft ls mft.
Lucky strike means fine tobacco. Yes, lucky strike means fine tobacco.
Speaker 4 (08:52):
That's all you need.
Speaker 1 (08:53):
The quartet No, no, Don, I'm not going to use
them anymore. I don't care if they are in your
room or hears We're not going to well, well, all right,
I'll listen to 'em, but I'm warning you this is
their last chance.
Speaker 4 (09:08):
Okay, put 'em on.
Speaker 3 (09:10):
Hello, Fellas, now cut that.
Speaker 1 (09:12):
Out, guess sing your commercial?
Speaker 3 (09:18):
Go ahead, Hm, it's not bad at all.
Speaker 4 (09:24):
And listen, NFC.
Speaker 1 (09:25):
Do you d.
Speaker 3 (09:29):
Say that sounds beautiful? Dah?
Speaker 4 (09:32):
Indeed, Fellas, hold it, hold it you.
Speaker 3 (09:36):
Started out so beautifully. Look, Fellas, that isn't.
Speaker 4 (09:39):
What I want. Wait a minute, put down, back on.
Speaker 1 (09:43):
That's not what I hold it a minute, Fellas, put
down back Fellas, Fellas, wait a minute, Wait a minute,
wait a minute. That won't do. Fellas, and tell Jane
I'll talk to him and I see him goodbye.
Speaker 4 (10:06):
They drive me nuts.
Speaker 1 (10:08):
I'm gonna Oh there's a phone again. I wonder who
it is this time. Hello, Yes, this is Jack Benny. Why, well, well,
I suppose I could, but of course I'll have to
make some arrangements about my picture and radio commitment. Yes,
I certainly will think it over. And it was nice
(10:31):
of you to consider me, fang, Thanks very.
Speaker 4 (10:35):
Much, goodbye. Well is that Jack?
Speaker 1 (10:37):
They want me to be governor of Georgia. Well go ahead, kids, you.
Speaker 5 (10:48):
Can run along now all right, So long Jack, so long,
goodbye Governor.
Speaker 1 (10:52):
Goodbye you all, enjoy yourself.
Speaker 3 (10:56):
M that I did them Sweet Georgia Brown.
Speaker 1 (11:00):
Da Rochester, God b What we got for dinner? One
used hamhocks, one used hamhock and time greens.
Speaker 3 (11:09):
Yellow hole in his other pockets.
Speaker 1 (11:11):
I'm gonna wipe the land offer. But I'm hungry. Oh
(12:41):
that was a good dinner, Rochester. Now I think I'll
go in the library and get a book.
Speaker 3 (12:45):
Oh, here's one on the table.
Speaker 4 (12:46):
But you passed bors I did.
Speaker 1 (12:48):
Yeah, you called all the pictures in that one.
Speaker 4 (12:54):
Oh yeah, maybe I'll just read one for a change.
Speaker 3 (12:57):
I'll be in the library, Rochester. Gee, I don't know.
Speaker 4 (13:01):
What to read.
Speaker 1 (13:02):
Here's a good book, The Great Balsamo by Maurice Zlatow.
Speaker 4 (13:08):
Here's another one, Life in.
Speaker 3 (13:10):
The Swiss Alps.
Speaker 1 (13:12):
By Sam ole Ole. Here's another one, The Rover Boys
on Mulholland Drive. Hey, they're growing up.
Speaker 4 (13:30):
Here's one.
Speaker 1 (13:31):
I Stand Condemned by Maximilian Q.
Speaker 4 (13:34):
Langley.
Speaker 1 (13:35):
I Stand Condemned. I think I read that about a
year ago. She was pretty good, exciting too. I might
as well read it again before I take it back
to the library. Chapter one, I Stand Condemned. I'm what
(13:58):
you call an average citizen. I come from a little
town in the Midwest.
Speaker 4 (14:03):
Yes, I'm married.
Speaker 1 (14:05):
I have a lovely wife, and we have three fine
boys and a dog, George, Frank, Harry and final Harry
is the dog. My life at the lives of most
(14:26):
men followed a course pointed out by the fickle finger
of fate. Most stories done at the beginning, but my story.
Speaker 3 (14:35):
Begins at the end.
Speaker 1 (14:36):
I am occupying a cell in the death row at
the State and attentary.
Speaker 3 (14:48):
Iessen like, I just let me out, Wharton, Wharton.
Speaker 4 (14:59):
Wharton, you gotta let me out of here.
Speaker 1 (15:02):
I'm venison, dear here, innocent send in a few minutes,
they're gonna execute me. What time do I go to
the chair?
Speaker 3 (15:09):
Five thirty? Good?
Speaker 1 (15:12):
And I won't have to listen to Fred Allen. No, No,
what am I saying? Wharton Orton, I'll tell you it
wasn't my fault. I don't want to go to the
electric chair now.
Speaker 3 (15:25):
Now calm down.
Speaker 1 (15:26):
Our barber's a little rush today, so I'll shave your
head myself.
Speaker 3 (15:29):
But Whart is it's still.
Speaker 1 (15:31):
I'll start with the scissors, take.
Speaker 3 (15:35):
It easy around the sideburns.
Speaker 4 (15:37):
Say yes, sir, manicure, no, no, thank you. Wait a minute,
let me out of here.
Speaker 3 (15:46):
I don't want to go to the electric chair. I
won't leave this room.
Speaker 1 (15:49):
I can't walk that last mile.
Speaker 3 (15:51):
Oh you won't have to.
Speaker 4 (15:52):
We'll bring the electric chair in here. What we have
a long cord?
Speaker 3 (15:58):
You know? God, Wharton, Wharton, can't you hang meet?
Speaker 6 (16:04):
I'm afraid of a chair. How will they know when
I'm dead if we have one of those new electric
chairs you pop up when you're guard. But Wharton, Wharton,
I'm innocent. If you'll only listen to my story, I
(16:26):
know you'll believe me.
Speaker 1 (16:27):
Oh very well, what is your story? Well, Wharton, it
goes back a long long time. I would have led
a normal.
Speaker 3 (16:36):
Life except for the fickled finger of fate.
Speaker 4 (16:47):
Low Wharton listened to my story.
Speaker 1 (16:49):
I told him how I met the man who was
responsible for my undoing. I had just left my office
and was going home to my three wonderful children, Manny, Moe,
and Ja.
Speaker 3 (17:03):
We had Manny and Jack and felt that we should
have one mode.
Speaker 1 (17:14):
Anyway, I was walking down the street and suddenly a
figure stepped out of the shadows. He was a tall
man with a sort of.
Speaker 3 (17:28):
A square face.
Speaker 1 (17:29):
He reminded me somewhat of Boris carl But his voice
was so pleasant when he tapped me on the shoulder
and said, odon.
Speaker 4 (17:38):
Me please, but may I trouble you for a match?
A match?
Speaker 1 (17:53):
I'm sorry I don't have one, but i'll I'll let
you use my cigarette lighter.
Speaker 3 (17:57):
Thank you, you're very kind.
Speaker 1 (18:00):
Hey, you come back with a lighter, give.
Speaker 4 (18:03):
Me that, all right? All right, here's your lighter.
Speaker 3 (18:07):
But why were you running away? I thought you just
wanted to light a cigarette.
Speaker 4 (18:10):
I do, but my cigarette is home.
Speaker 3 (18:17):
Well, you have no right. Wait a minute, you look
so much like Boris Carlo. Thanks.
Speaker 4 (18:24):
You're looking well yourself.
Speaker 3 (18:28):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (18:29):
However, my resemblance to mister Karloff is purely physical. For instance,
I would never think of going to a cemetery in
the black of night, opening graves and stealing the gold teeth.
Speaker 4 (18:42):
Out of dead bodies. Uh huh, that's that's disharmist.
Speaker 3 (18:48):
You'll know.
Speaker 1 (18:51):
Yes, away a minute, you were trying to steal my
cigarette lighter, weren't you.
Speaker 4 (18:57):
No, I wasn't.
Speaker 1 (18:58):
As a matter of fact, I'd like to buy I'll
give you twenty thousand dollars for it, twenty thousand dollars twelve.
I don't want to take advantage of him.
Speaker 3 (19:10):
I'll tell you why. I'll throw in an extra flint,
just as I said, you're very kind. Here is the money,
a twenty thousand dollar bill.
Speaker 1 (19:26):
Yuy well song, mister. I hope you enjoy the lighter
just a moment, please. I also admire.
Speaker 4 (19:35):
Your necktie my list five.
Speaker 1 (19:42):
I know it sounds fantastic, but he bought my tie
for seventeen thousand dollars. And then he bought my shirt,
and my shoes and my suit. As I gave him
my last stitch of clothing, this mysterious stranger handed me
one hundred and ninety four thousand dollars and two balloons,
(20:04):
daving no clothes. I blew up the balloons and danced
my way home. The next day, I met.
Speaker 3 (20:16):
The same mysterious man.
Speaker 1 (20:18):
For a second time. Again he gave me fabulous prices
for my clothes, and again I danced my way home.
On the third day, the same thing happened. I was
not only getting richer, but I was dancing back. Our
(20:42):
daily meetings were more than Mira Cole incidents.
Speaker 3 (20:45):
A bond developed between us. Two weeks later, I was
sitting in the kitchen.
Speaker 1 (20:50):
Having breakfast with my wife and my three lovely children, Minsk,
Dinsk and Busher.
Speaker 3 (21:00):
I'm a serious stranger. Not yet come downstairs. Yes, you
were living with us.
Speaker 5 (21:12):
Come on, children, so it's your breakfast.
Speaker 4 (21:14):
That's right.
Speaker 3 (21:14):
Children, eat your food. But daddy, can't we have milk
like we used to.
Speaker 1 (21:18):
I'm tired of champagne on my grape nuts.
Speaker 4 (21:21):
Oh, you can't have milk.
Speaker 3 (21:22):
It costs practically nothing.
Speaker 4 (21:24):
Where's Junior.
Speaker 5 (21:25):
Oh he's out in the backyard eating twenty dollars bills
to the cows, eating our money to the cows.
Speaker 3 (21:29):
That's ridiculous.
Speaker 5 (21:30):
No, it isn't, Paul. We haven't any more bags to
keep it in.
Speaker 1 (21:34):
Anyway, He's been out there long enough. I'll call him Junior. Junior,
get ready for school, a daddy.
Speaker 3 (21:40):
I don't want to go to that new school.
Speaker 6 (21:42):
I bought it, and you'll go to it.
Speaker 5 (21:46):
I'll get ready, you know, Darling, things just haven't been
the same since that stranger came to live with us.
He frightens me. There's something eerie about him.
Speaker 1 (21:55):
I've been feeding the saint.
Speaker 3 (21:56):
Quiet here he comes down.
Speaker 1 (22:01):
Yes, as we were talking, he opened the door and
walked into the room.
Speaker 3 (22:12):
He was wearing sleekers. As I rose from the table.
Speaker 4 (22:19):
He said, good morning, everybody. Good morning. Did you sleep well?
Speaker 3 (22:28):
Yes?
Speaker 4 (22:29):
I did, Saddam, thank you. I'm sorry I'm.
Speaker 1 (22:36):
Late for breakfast, but I overslept. I was out at
the party last night, a party. Well, how do you
feel this morning? Oh, we'll have some tomato jews.
Speaker 5 (22:46):
Yes, I'll get you some.
Speaker 1 (22:48):
You know I envy you to a beautiful home, lovely children.
Speaker 5 (22:53):
Haven't you any children?
Speaker 1 (22:54):
No?
Speaker 4 (22:55):
I married a smudge pot.
Speaker 3 (22:59):
You married a smudgepop.
Speaker 5 (23:01):
Oh, then you haven't any children.
Speaker 1 (23:03):
No, but we're lousy with oranges. By the way, I
don't feel I should live here any longer without paying
you rent. How much do you want?
Speaker 4 (23:16):
Well, Heim, I'm no good at these things. Let's forget. Oh,
but I insist.
Speaker 3 (23:21):
Would a million dollars a week be enough?
Speaker 4 (23:25):
Well, with or without meals?
Speaker 1 (23:32):
With meals, that'll be three dollars extra. I'll be glad
to pay it.
Speaker 3 (23:43):
Things like this were happening every day.
Speaker 1 (23:45):
I've got money, man, money, money, money.
Speaker 3 (23:47):
My wife left me. I sorted my three lovely children, Sarah,
Toga and trunk Lin care.
Speaker 4 (23:56):
I had my money.
Speaker 1 (23:57):
I accumulated millions of dollars, which I kept my shoes.
Speaker 3 (24:01):
I was now eleven feet a six. I beg the
olda to raise the ceiling.
Speaker 1 (24:13):
One day, as I was sweeping some loose change under
the rug, he came in. Hello, my friend, look, I
have a present for you, A brand new ten thousand
dollar bill, a.
Speaker 3 (24:28):
Ten thousand dollars bill. Let me have it, hear me quick.
Speaker 4 (24:31):
I got had it all right, but be careful how
you handle it. The ink is still wet.
Speaker 1 (24:37):
No worry, I'll the ink is still wet. When you
mean you've been printing this money yourself? Certainly, but doesn't everybody? Oh,
so that's it. I must have been blind not to
seacoo this whole scheme.
Speaker 3 (24:53):
My wife is rude.
Speaker 1 (24:55):
I lost my wife and my three lovely children, Chico,
Pico and Support.
Speaker 3 (25:00):
I thought I was rich, but I haven't got a tire,
a shirt, a suit.
Speaker 1 (25:06):
All I got is money, money.
Speaker 3 (25:07):
Money, and all counterfeit.
Speaker 4 (25:09):
You even got my cigarette lighter, and I, like.
Speaker 3 (25:11):
A fool, threw in an extra flip. Yes, you are
a fool. Do you think I'd really pay.
Speaker 1 (25:16):
You seventeen thousand dollars for a neck tie twenty two
thousand dollars for your button shoes? Wait?
Speaker 4 (25:22):
Yes, you are a fool.
Speaker 1 (25:23):
Do you think I give you five hundred dollars for
a dinner? Well, I can get the same thing at
Zero's for four hundred.
Speaker 3 (25:33):
Hello. Of course that money was counterfeit, and a boles
you gave me weren't any good eating.
Speaker 1 (25:39):
They broke on the sunset bus and embarrassed me. So
all is time you've been nothing but a counterfeit.
Speaker 3 (25:47):
What's the difference? Weekness, Still do business.
Speaker 1 (25:50):
I can print the money and you can.
Speaker 3 (25:51):
Get rid of it for me.
Speaker 4 (25:53):
I'll kill you first, That's what I'm going to do.
I'm gonna kill you.
Speaker 3 (25:57):
Oh, go ahead of my froat, hit them away, came away,
don't kill me.
Speaker 4 (26:02):
I'll give you.
Speaker 3 (26:02):
Back here for holds.
Speaker 4 (26:04):
What good they know?
Speaker 1 (26:05):
You had?
Speaker 3 (26:05):
The pants Lincoln and a cold that you even lost
the spring.
Speaker 1 (26:09):
Out of my pajamas, said, please please stop choking me,
stop kilting me.
Speaker 3 (26:16):
Oh? Why must I always die?
Speaker 4 (26:18):
In the end?
Speaker 3 (26:29):
Yes, I killed him, And as I finished telling my.
Speaker 1 (26:33):
Story, the war looked at me and said, it's five
thirty show with Joe.
Speaker 3 (26:42):
And So as I walked through the little.
Speaker 1 (26:45):
Green door, I thought of my three lovely children, Hanger Hank,
and climbed Condamn.
Speaker 3 (27:04):
Now tago did I can do so better the plant
if I could tram miss lay the same way.
Speaker 2 (27:09):
Ever, any man love my no, no, not any menu
la American.
Speaker 3 (27:17):
No doubt about it. Get a cigarette.
Speaker 4 (27:19):
It's the tobacco that counts.
Speaker 1 (27:21):
And here in year out, consistently, lucky Strike means fine tobacco.
Speaker 3 (27:26):
Here's a tip from a man.
Speaker 7 (27:27):
With the lifetime of tobacco experience, Mister James Monroe Ball
of Winston Salem, North Carolina, an independent tobacco auctioneer for
the past thirty one years. Mister Ball said, I speak
as an.
Speaker 1 (27:37):
Eye witness when I say that season after season, I've
seen the makers of Lucky Strike by fine ripe, mellow leaf,
that good kind of tobacco that makes us swell smoke.
I've smoked Luckies myself for twenty nine years. Remember, at
auction after auction, independent tobacco experts like mister Ball can
(27:58):
see the makers of Lucky Strike consistently.
Speaker 4 (28:00):
Select and buy that fine that light.
Speaker 3 (28:03):
That naturally mild tobacco.
Speaker 4 (28:05):
Fine light, naturally mild tobacco, real.
Speaker 1 (28:09):
Lucky spike tobacco.
Speaker 4 (28:10):
Yes ls MFT.
Speaker 1 (28:11):
Lucky strike means fine tobacco. And this fine lucky spike
tobacco means real, deep down smoking enjoyment for you. So
smoke that smoke of fine tobacco.
Speaker 4 (28:21):
Lucky strike, so round, so firm, so.
Speaker 7 (28:24):
Fully backed, so free and easy on the draw.
Speaker 1 (28:30):
I want to thank Boris Karloff for appearing here tonight,
and he can currently be seen in his latest RKO picture,
Bedlam Or Say Jack, Yes, don I understand You're going
to be on Kenny Baker's program in the morning.
Speaker 4 (28:41):
Yes I am Don.
Speaker 3 (28:41):
Will you pick me up for rehearsal? Yes, Jack.
Speaker 1 (28:43):
Rehearsal is at seven thirty am.
Speaker 4 (28:46):
Well, don't bother, I'll go right over there from here. Goodnight, book.
Speaker 3 (28:55):
This is MDD, the National dog gusting Company.
The Jack Many Program, Professor.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
Ana American.
Speaker 1 (00:09):
For your own real deep down smoking enjoyment. Remember Las
MFT Lucky Strike means fine tobacco, and fine tobacco is
what counts in a cigarette, year after year, at auction
after auction, independent tobacco experts, auctioneers, buyers and warehousemen can
see the makers of Lucky Strike consistently select and buy
that fine, that light, that naturally mild tobacco, fine light,
(00:32):
naturally mild tobacco. Yes, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco, and
in a cigarette, it's the tobacco that counts. So for
your own real deep down smoking enjoyment, smoke that smoke
of fine tobacco Lucky.
Speaker 3 (00:44):
Strike, so round, so firm, so.
Speaker 1 (00:46):
Fully packed, so free and easy on the.
Speaker 3 (00:49):
Draw at the line I American.
Speaker 1 (01:03):
The Lucky's Trick Program starring Jack Benny with Mary's Mixon,
Phil Harris, Rochester, dennisde and you're truly Don Wilson. Ladies
and gentlemen, Let's go out to Jack Benny's house in
(01:24):
Beverly Hills, where we find Jack and Phil Harris alone
in the library. Well, Jackson, you asked me to come
out to your house and see you alone.
Speaker 4 (01:33):
What's all the mystery?
Speaker 3 (01:35):
Wait a minute, Phil, I want to lock the door.
Speaker 4 (01:45):
Okay, Jackson, what is it?
Speaker 1 (01:46):
Yes?
Speaker 3 (01:47):
Second, Phil, I want to shut the window.
Speaker 1 (01:55):
All right, all right, you locked the door, closed the window,
and drew the blinds.
Speaker 3 (01:58):
Now what do you want? Phil?
Speaker 1 (02:02):
Something's got to be done about your orchestra. I don't
know what, kid, but something.
Speaker 4 (02:17):
Are you kidding?
Speaker 3 (02:18):
No?
Speaker 4 (02:18):
Phil?
Speaker 1 (02:19):
Look, I'll admit when we're doing radio shows I joke
about your music. But now we're in my home, just
the two of us. Believe me, I'm serious. Something has
got to be done or else. I'll wait a minute, Jackson,
don't go get in tough with me. If you've got
any to be funked up a trillo, I've already talked
to a trillo and he's on my side.
Speaker 4 (02:42):
Believe me, on your side.
Speaker 1 (02:44):
How do you like that you miss your dus one
week and the mother hands.
Speaker 3 (02:46):
Starts kicking you out of the nest?
Speaker 1 (02:49):
Look, Phil, after ten years, I don't mind your band.
I'm used to it. But listen to these letters I've
been getting. Listen to this one, Dear mister Benny, I
am a whole prey farmer. I read in a magazine.
That music helps the hens lay more eggs. So I
put a radio in the henhouse. Two weeks ago, I tuned.
Speaker 4 (03:10):
In your program. The hens heard.
Speaker 3 (03:12):
Phil Harris's orchestra.
Speaker 1 (03:14):
Now they are laying more eggs than ever. But the
yokes are green. There you are, Phil, What do you
think of that green yolks? The guy's got something there.
You can use them in my poenies, please my stroke.
Look here's another one. I get this other letter. Dear
(03:35):
mister Bennet. I am a professor of English and literature
at Harvard's, and for years and years I have consistently
listened to your Sunday presentations.
Speaker 3 (03:44):
I have found your construction.
Speaker 1 (03:45):
And continuity compact and concise, your dialogue singularly free of
cliches and ponderosities. But mister Harris's musical ensemble stings, and
Phil this proves he's a high flass professor. He spells
(04:08):
stinks with a y. Now those two letters are just
samples of the maile that comes in every week.
Speaker 3 (04:16):
I get thousands and thousands and thousands of letters like those.
Speaker 1 (04:19):
Well, if I'm getting all that mail, I want more dough.
Oh look, Phil, what I'm trying to tell you that
you better do something about your orchestra.
Speaker 3 (04:29):
What are you talking about.
Speaker 1 (04:30):
I got one of the greatest musical aggravations in the country.
That's aggregation. But for once, you're right, course, I'm right.
You take my boys, They've all got great backgrounds in.
Speaker 4 (04:41):
The music business. Oh fine, sure.
Speaker 1 (04:43):
Take Frankie, my guitar player for seven years. He played
first washboard for Spike Jones. Well, he's not playing the
washboard now, so tell him to stop strumming his guitar
with that box of does if he's that close to soap,
why does he get some of it on orm And
Charlie you're canna. I'll wait a minute, don't be talking
(05:04):
about Charlie.
Speaker 4 (05:05):
My piano player.
Speaker 1 (05:06):
He had a job with Guy Lombardo's orchestrap for twelve years.
Speaker 4 (05:09):
Twelve years was Guy Lombardo? Yeah, and he wasn't even
a brother.
Speaker 3 (05:16):
Phil.
Speaker 1 (05:16):
That has nothing to do with it. And believe me, Phil,
I'm not picking on you. I'm just trying to arrive
at an understanding. Now, Phil, I know you're sensitive, so
I'm I'm so I'm talking to you not as an employer,
but as your friend. Now, let's try to Phil, stop
(05:38):
chewing on that hamhock and listen.
Speaker 3 (05:40):
To me, please.
Speaker 1 (05:41):
I'm sorry, Jackson. I just happened to have one in
my pocket, all right, But Phil, I hope we understand
each other. Now, Okay, Jackson, look, I got to run along.
Speaker 4 (05:50):
Do you mind if I go?
Speaker 3 (05:51):
No?
Speaker 4 (05:51):
No, go ahead, Phil.
Speaker 3 (05:53):
I said, you can go.
Speaker 4 (05:54):
What are you waiting for?
Speaker 3 (05:56):
Well open the door, Richard.
Speaker 1 (05:59):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (05:59):
Yeah, along Jackson?
Speaker 2 (06:03):
Hello?
Speaker 3 (06:03):
Phil? Oh oh?
Speaker 5 (06:12):
Orry?
Speaker 1 (06:13):
Sorry, come on in the library. I want to hear
all about your trip.
Speaker 4 (06:16):
Where'd you go?
Speaker 1 (06:17):
Jack?
Speaker 5 (06:17):
I thought you knew I went back eased to attend
my mother and father's wedding anniversary?
Speaker 3 (06:21):
Really, and how were the Duke and Dutchess of Plainfield?
Speaker 5 (06:25):
Oh? Swelling? You know, Jack, they have the cutest way
of keeping track of their anniversaries.
Speaker 3 (06:29):
Each year.
Speaker 5 (06:29):
On their wedding days, Papa snips off a lock of
Mama's hair and puts it away.
Speaker 3 (06:33):
Well, that's awfully sweet. How long have they've been married?
Speaker 5 (06:36):
I don't know if for the last three years they've
been calling Mama baldy.
Speaker 3 (06:40):
And Jack.
Speaker 5 (06:41):
You should have seen my sister, babe.
Speaker 3 (06:43):
She looked beautiful.
Speaker 5 (06:44):
She wore a strap this evening gown and was really glamorous.
Speaker 3 (06:46):
You don't Mary, Those track was gone fascinated me.
Speaker 4 (06:48):
How do they keep them up?
Speaker 5 (06:50):
I don't know about the other girl, but baby uses
fish hooks. Fish hooks when Babe's out to catch a guy,
she ain't kidding.
Speaker 3 (06:57):
Oh how'd she do?
Speaker 5 (06:58):
Oh she's got a nice boyfriend.
Speaker 3 (06:59):
Now.
Speaker 5 (07:00):
He's a credit dentist.
Speaker 1 (07:01):
Oh you mean one of those dentists will let their
patients put them on the installment plan.
Speaker 6 (07:04):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (07:05):
One of his slogans is don't sit around and dumb
your hat just because you're short of cash.
Speaker 1 (07:13):
One of his slogan.
Speaker 4 (07:14):
You mean he has others.
Speaker 5 (07:15):
Yeah, his best one is don't keep your lips closed
in sorrow, smile today and pay tomorrow.
Speaker 3 (07:22):
Well, he certainly sounds like the right guy for Babe.
Speaker 5 (07:24):
Yes, and he's very successful too. He's the one who
invented that new lower plate. It bites underwater.
Speaker 1 (07:32):
Oh, yes, it's got those new ball points all the Wait, Marry,
would you like that dinner with me? Oh?
Speaker 5 (07:37):
I can't. Jack Dennis is coming by to pick me
up in a few minutes. He's taking me to a movie.
Speaker 1 (07:42):
Oh how come you're going out with Dennis tonight?
Speaker 3 (07:44):
Well?
Speaker 5 (07:45):
He called me up and playing field for the day.
Speaker 3 (07:48):
Dennis pooned you in plainfield?
Speaker 1 (07:50):
Long distance?
Speaker 5 (07:52):
Yes, long distance?
Speaker 1 (07:53):
Well, of course he has two shows, you know, Mary
I Mary, Ollo kid, we were.
Speaker 4 (08:02):
Just talking about you.
Speaker 1 (08:03):
I'm ready to go, Danni, say, mister Bennie, ask me
what picture we're gonna see? Why?
Speaker 3 (08:07):
I say, ask me what picture we're gonna see? All right?
Speaker 4 (08:10):
Or what picture you gonna see?
Speaker 1 (08:11):
It's the one about a couple of deers, A couple
of deers, the Yearling, No, the Dolly sisters.
Speaker 3 (08:19):
Why if you're stepped into that one?
Speaker 1 (08:22):
Damn her big time comedian. You ain't got that ocador
spackle to stop with a joke. Wait a minute, kids, Hello,
oh hello, Don? What you been rehearsing with commercial for
next week?
Speaker 4 (08:40):
Don?
Speaker 3 (08:40):
What's so difficult about the commercial that you have to
rehearse it?
Speaker 1 (08:43):
All you have to say is ls mft ls mft.
Lucky strike means fine tobacco. Yes, lucky strike means fine tobacco.
Speaker 4 (08:52):
That's all you need.
Speaker 1 (08:53):
The quartet No, no, Don, I'm not going to use
them anymore. I don't care if they are in your
room or hears We're not going to well, well, all right,
I'll listen to 'em, but I'm warning you this is
their last chance.
Speaker 4 (09:08):
Okay, put 'em on.
Speaker 3 (09:10):
Hello, Fellas, now cut that.
Speaker 1 (09:12):
Out, guess sing your commercial?
Speaker 3 (09:18):
Go ahead, Hm, it's not bad at all.
Speaker 4 (09:24):
And listen, NFC.
Speaker 1 (09:25):
Do you d.
Speaker 3 (09:29):
Say that sounds beautiful? Dah?
Speaker 4 (09:32):
Indeed, Fellas, hold it, hold it you.
Speaker 3 (09:36):
Started out so beautifully. Look, Fellas, that isn't.
Speaker 4 (09:39):
What I want. Wait a minute, put down, back on.
Speaker 1 (09:43):
That's not what I hold it a minute, Fellas, put
down back Fellas, Fellas, wait a minute, Wait a minute,
wait a minute. That won't do. Fellas, and tell Jane
I'll talk to him and I see him goodbye.
Speaker 4 (10:06):
They drive me nuts.
Speaker 1 (10:08):
I'm gonna Oh there's a phone again. I wonder who
it is this time. Hello, Yes, this is Jack Benny. Why, well, well,
I suppose I could, but of course I'll have to
make some arrangements about my picture and radio commitment. Yes,
I certainly will think it over. And it was nice
(10:31):
of you to consider me, fang, Thanks very.
Speaker 4 (10:35):
Much, goodbye. Well is that Jack?
Speaker 1 (10:37):
They want me to be governor of Georgia. Well go ahead, kids, you.
Speaker 5 (10:48):
Can run along now all right, So long Jack, so long,
goodbye Governor.
Speaker 1 (10:52):
Goodbye you all, enjoy yourself.
Speaker 3 (10:56):
M that I did them Sweet Georgia Brown.
Speaker 1 (11:00):
Da Rochester, God b What we got for dinner? One
used hamhocks, one used hamhock and time greens.
Speaker 3 (11:09):
Yellow hole in his other pockets.
Speaker 1 (11:11):
I'm gonna wipe the land offer. But I'm hungry. Oh
(12:41):
that was a good dinner, Rochester. Now I think I'll
go in the library and get a book.
Speaker 3 (12:45):
Oh, here's one on the table.
Speaker 4 (12:46):
But you passed bors I did.
Speaker 1 (12:48):
Yeah, you called all the pictures in that one.
Speaker 4 (12:54):
Oh yeah, maybe I'll just read one for a change.
Speaker 3 (12:57):
I'll be in the library, Rochester. Gee, I don't know.
Speaker 4 (13:01):
What to read.
Speaker 1 (13:02):
Here's a good book, The Great Balsamo by Maurice Zlatow.
Speaker 4 (13:08):
Here's another one, Life in.
Speaker 3 (13:10):
The Swiss Alps.
Speaker 1 (13:12):
By Sam ole Ole. Here's another one, The Rover Boys
on Mulholland Drive. Hey, they're growing up.
Speaker 4 (13:30):
Here's one.
Speaker 1 (13:31):
I Stand Condemned by Maximilian Q.
Speaker 4 (13:34):
Langley.
Speaker 1 (13:35):
I Stand Condemned. I think I read that about a
year ago. She was pretty good, exciting too. I might
as well read it again before I take it back
to the library. Chapter one, I Stand Condemned. I'm what
(13:58):
you call an average citizen. I come from a little
town in the Midwest.
Speaker 4 (14:03):
Yes, I'm married.
Speaker 1 (14:05):
I have a lovely wife, and we have three fine
boys and a dog, George, Frank, Harry and final Harry
is the dog. My life at the lives of most
(14:26):
men followed a course pointed out by the fickle finger
of fate. Most stories done at the beginning, but my story.
Speaker 3 (14:35):
Begins at the end.
Speaker 1 (14:36):
I am occupying a cell in the death row at
the State and attentary.
Speaker 3 (14:48):
Iessen like, I just let me out, Wharton, Wharton.
Speaker 4 (14:59):
Wharton, you gotta let me out of here.
Speaker 1 (15:02):
I'm venison, dear here, innocent send in a few minutes,
they're gonna execute me. What time do I go to
the chair?
Speaker 3 (15:09):
Five thirty? Good?
Speaker 1 (15:12):
And I won't have to listen to Fred Allen. No, No,
what am I saying? Wharton Orton, I'll tell you it
wasn't my fault. I don't want to go to the
electric chair now.
Speaker 3 (15:25):
Now calm down.
Speaker 1 (15:26):
Our barber's a little rush today, so I'll shave your
head myself.
Speaker 3 (15:29):
But Whart is it's still.
Speaker 1 (15:31):
I'll start with the scissors, take.
Speaker 3 (15:35):
It easy around the sideburns.
Speaker 4 (15:37):
Say yes, sir, manicure, no, no, thank you. Wait a minute,
let me out of here.
Speaker 3 (15:46):
I don't want to go to the electric chair. I
won't leave this room.
Speaker 1 (15:49):
I can't walk that last mile.
Speaker 3 (15:51):
Oh you won't have to.
Speaker 4 (15:52):
We'll bring the electric chair in here. What we have
a long cord?
Speaker 3 (15:58):
You know? God, Wharton, Wharton, can't you hang meet?
Speaker 6 (16:04):
I'm afraid of a chair. How will they know when
I'm dead if we have one of those new electric
chairs you pop up when you're guard. But Wharton, Wharton,
I'm innocent. If you'll only listen to my story, I
(16:26):
know you'll believe me.
Speaker 1 (16:27):
Oh very well, what is your story? Well, Wharton, it
goes back a long long time. I would have led
a normal.
Speaker 3 (16:36):
Life except for the fickled finger of fate.
Speaker 4 (16:47):
Low Wharton listened to my story.
Speaker 1 (16:49):
I told him how I met the man who was
responsible for my undoing. I had just left my office
and was going home to my three wonderful children, Manny, Moe,
and Ja.
Speaker 3 (17:03):
We had Manny and Jack and felt that we should
have one mode.
Speaker 1 (17:14):
Anyway, I was walking down the street and suddenly a
figure stepped out of the shadows. He was a tall
man with a sort of.
Speaker 3 (17:28):
A square face.
Speaker 1 (17:29):
He reminded me somewhat of Boris carl But his voice
was so pleasant when he tapped me on the shoulder
and said, odon.
Speaker 4 (17:38):
Me please, but may I trouble you for a match?
A match?
Speaker 1 (17:53):
I'm sorry I don't have one, but i'll I'll let
you use my cigarette lighter.
Speaker 3 (17:57):
Thank you, you're very kind.
Speaker 1 (18:00):
Hey, you come back with a lighter, give.
Speaker 4 (18:03):
Me that, all right? All right, here's your lighter.
Speaker 3 (18:07):
But why were you running away? I thought you just
wanted to light a cigarette.
Speaker 4 (18:10):
I do, but my cigarette is home.
Speaker 3 (18:17):
Well, you have no right. Wait a minute, you look
so much like Boris Carlo. Thanks.
Speaker 4 (18:24):
You're looking well yourself.
Speaker 3 (18:28):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (18:29):
However, my resemblance to mister Karloff is purely physical. For instance,
I would never think of going to a cemetery in
the black of night, opening graves and stealing the gold teeth.
Speaker 4 (18:42):
Out of dead bodies. Uh huh, that's that's disharmist.
Speaker 3 (18:48):
You'll know.
Speaker 1 (18:51):
Yes, away a minute, you were trying to steal my
cigarette lighter, weren't you.
Speaker 4 (18:57):
No, I wasn't.
Speaker 1 (18:58):
As a matter of fact, I'd like to buy I'll
give you twenty thousand dollars for it, twenty thousand dollars twelve.
I don't want to take advantage of him.
Speaker 3 (19:10):
I'll tell you why. I'll throw in an extra flint,
just as I said, you're very kind. Here is the money,
a twenty thousand dollar bill.
Speaker 1 (19:26):
Yuy well song, mister. I hope you enjoy the lighter
just a moment, please. I also admire.
Speaker 4 (19:35):
Your necktie my list five.
Speaker 1 (19:42):
I know it sounds fantastic, but he bought my tie
for seventeen thousand dollars. And then he bought my shirt,
and my shoes and my suit. As I gave him
my last stitch of clothing, this mysterious stranger handed me
one hundred and ninety four thousand dollars and two balloons,
(20:04):
daving no clothes. I blew up the balloons and danced
my way home. The next day, I met.
Speaker 3 (20:16):
The same mysterious man.
Speaker 1 (20:18):
For a second time. Again he gave me fabulous prices
for my clothes, and again I danced my way home.
On the third day, the same thing happened. I was
not only getting richer, but I was dancing back. Our
(20:42):
daily meetings were more than Mira Cole incidents.
Speaker 3 (20:45):
A bond developed between us. Two weeks later, I was
sitting in the kitchen.
Speaker 1 (20:50):
Having breakfast with my wife and my three lovely children, Minsk,
Dinsk and Busher.
Speaker 3 (21:00):
I'm a serious stranger. Not yet come downstairs. Yes, you
were living with us.
Speaker 5 (21:12):
Come on, children, so it's your breakfast.
Speaker 4 (21:14):
That's right.
Speaker 3 (21:14):
Children, eat your food. But daddy, can't we have milk
like we used to.
Speaker 1 (21:18):
I'm tired of champagne on my grape nuts.
Speaker 4 (21:21):
Oh, you can't have milk.
Speaker 3 (21:22):
It costs practically nothing.
Speaker 4 (21:24):
Where's Junior.
Speaker 5 (21:25):
Oh he's out in the backyard eating twenty dollars bills
to the cows, eating our money to the cows.
Speaker 3 (21:29):
That's ridiculous.
Speaker 5 (21:30):
No, it isn't, Paul. We haven't any more bags to
keep it in.
Speaker 1 (21:34):
Anyway, He's been out there long enough. I'll call him Junior. Junior,
get ready for school, a daddy.
Speaker 3 (21:40):
I don't want to go to that new school.
Speaker 6 (21:42):
I bought it, and you'll go to it.
Speaker 5 (21:46):
I'll get ready, you know, Darling, things just haven't been
the same since that stranger came to live with us.
He frightens me. There's something eerie about him.
Speaker 1 (21:55):
I've been feeding the saint.
Speaker 3 (21:56):
Quiet here he comes down.
Speaker 1 (22:01):
Yes, as we were talking, he opened the door and
walked into the room.
Speaker 3 (22:12):
He was wearing sleekers. As I rose from the table.
Speaker 4 (22:19):
He said, good morning, everybody. Good morning. Did you sleep well?
Speaker 3 (22:28):
Yes?
Speaker 4 (22:29):
I did, Saddam, thank you. I'm sorry I'm.
Speaker 1 (22:36):
Late for breakfast, but I overslept. I was out at
the party last night, a party. Well, how do you
feel this morning? Oh, we'll have some tomato jews.
Speaker 5 (22:46):
Yes, I'll get you some.
Speaker 1 (22:48):
You know I envy you to a beautiful home, lovely children.
Speaker 5 (22:53):
Haven't you any children?
Speaker 1 (22:54):
No?
Speaker 4 (22:55):
I married a smudge pot.
Speaker 3 (22:59):
You married a smudgepop.
Speaker 5 (23:01):
Oh, then you haven't any children.
Speaker 1 (23:03):
No, but we're lousy with oranges. By the way, I
don't feel I should live here any longer without paying
you rent. How much do you want?
Speaker 4 (23:16):
Well, Heim, I'm no good at these things. Let's forget. Oh,
but I insist.
Speaker 3 (23:21):
Would a million dollars a week be enough?
Speaker 4 (23:25):
Well, with or without meals?
Speaker 1 (23:32):
With meals, that'll be three dollars extra. I'll be glad
to pay it.
Speaker 3 (23:43):
Things like this were happening every day.
Speaker 1 (23:45):
I've got money, man, money, money, money.
Speaker 3 (23:47):
My wife left me. I sorted my three lovely children, Sarah,
Toga and trunk Lin care.
Speaker 4 (23:56):
I had my money.
Speaker 1 (23:57):
I accumulated millions of dollars, which I kept my shoes.
Speaker 3 (24:01):
I was now eleven feet a six. I beg the
olda to raise the ceiling.
Speaker 1 (24:13):
One day, as I was sweeping some loose change under
the rug, he came in. Hello, my friend, look, I
have a present for you, A brand new ten thousand
dollar bill, a.
Speaker 3 (24:28):
Ten thousand dollars bill. Let me have it, hear me quick.
Speaker 4 (24:31):
I got had it all right, but be careful how
you handle it. The ink is still wet.
Speaker 1 (24:37):
No worry, I'll the ink is still wet. When you
mean you've been printing this money yourself? Certainly, but doesn't everybody? Oh,
so that's it. I must have been blind not to
seacoo this whole scheme.
Speaker 3 (24:53):
My wife is rude.
Speaker 1 (24:55):
I lost my wife and my three lovely children, Chico,
Pico and Support.
Speaker 3 (25:00):
I thought I was rich, but I haven't got a tire,
a shirt, a suit.
Speaker 1 (25:06):
All I got is money, money.
Speaker 3 (25:07):
Money, and all counterfeit.
Speaker 4 (25:09):
You even got my cigarette lighter, and I, like.
Speaker 3 (25:11):
A fool, threw in an extra flip. Yes, you are
a fool. Do you think I'd really pay.
Speaker 1 (25:16):
You seventeen thousand dollars for a neck tie twenty two
thousand dollars for your button shoes? Wait?
Speaker 4 (25:22):
Yes, you are a fool.
Speaker 1 (25:23):
Do you think I give you five hundred dollars for
a dinner? Well, I can get the same thing at
Zero's for four hundred.
Speaker 3 (25:33):
Hello. Of course that money was counterfeit, and a boles
you gave me weren't any good eating.
Speaker 1 (25:39):
They broke on the sunset bus and embarrassed me. So
all is time you've been nothing but a counterfeit.
Speaker 3 (25:47):
What's the difference? Weekness, Still do business.
Speaker 1 (25:50):
I can print the money and you can.
Speaker 3 (25:51):
Get rid of it for me.
Speaker 4 (25:53):
I'll kill you first, That's what I'm going to do.
I'm gonna kill you.
Speaker 3 (25:57):
Oh, go ahead of my froat, hit them away, came away,
don't kill me.
Speaker 4 (26:02):
I'll give you.
Speaker 3 (26:02):
Back here for holds.
Speaker 4 (26:04):
What good they know?
Speaker 1 (26:05):
You had?
Speaker 3 (26:05):
The pants Lincoln and a cold that you even lost
the spring.
Speaker 1 (26:09):
Out of my pajamas, said, please please stop choking me,
stop kilting me.
Speaker 3 (26:16):
Oh? Why must I always die?
Speaker 4 (26:18):
In the end?
Speaker 3 (26:29):
Yes, I killed him, And as I finished telling my.
Speaker 1 (26:33):
Story, the war looked at me and said, it's five
thirty show with Joe.
Speaker 3 (26:42):
And So as I walked through the little.
Speaker 1 (26:45):
Green door, I thought of my three lovely children, Hanger Hank,
and climbed Condamn.
Speaker 3 (27:04):
Now tago did I can do so better the plant
if I could tram miss lay the same way.
Speaker 2 (27:09):
Ever, any man love my no, no, not any menu
la American.
Speaker 3 (27:17):
No doubt about it. Get a cigarette.
Speaker 4 (27:19):
It's the tobacco that counts.
Speaker 1 (27:21):
And here in year out, consistently, lucky Strike means fine tobacco.
Speaker 3 (27:26):
Here's a tip from a man.
Speaker 7 (27:27):
With the lifetime of tobacco experience, Mister James Monroe Ball
of Winston Salem, North Carolina, an independent tobacco auctioneer for
the past thirty one years. Mister Ball said, I speak
as an.
Speaker 1 (27:37):
Eye witness when I say that season after season, I've
seen the makers of Lucky Strike by fine ripe, mellow leaf,
that good kind of tobacco that makes us swell smoke.
I've smoked Luckies myself for twenty nine years. Remember, at
auction after auction, independent tobacco experts like mister Ball can
(27:58):
see the makers of Lucky Strike consistently.
Speaker 4 (28:00):
Select and buy that fine that light.
Speaker 3 (28:03):
That naturally mild tobacco.
Speaker 4 (28:05):
Fine light, naturally mild tobacco, real.
Speaker 1 (28:09):
Lucky spike tobacco.
Speaker 4 (28:10):
Yes ls MFT.
Speaker 1 (28:11):
Lucky strike means fine tobacco. And this fine lucky spike
tobacco means real, deep down smoking enjoyment for you. So
smoke that smoke of fine tobacco.
Speaker 4 (28:21):
Lucky strike, so round, so firm, so.
Speaker 7 (28:24):
Fully backed, so free and easy on the draw.
Speaker 1 (28:30):
I want to thank Boris Karloff for appearing here tonight,
and he can currently be seen in his latest RKO picture,
Bedlam Or Say Jack, Yes, don I understand You're going
to be on Kenny Baker's program in the morning.
Speaker 4 (28:41):
Yes I am Don.
Speaker 3 (28:41):
Will you pick me up for rehearsal? Yes, Jack.
Speaker 1 (28:43):
Rehearsal is at seven thirty am.
Speaker 4 (28:46):
Well, don't bother, I'll go right over there from here. Goodnight, book.
Speaker 3 (28:55):
This is MDD, the National dog gusting Company.
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