July 26, 2025 • 25 mins
A legendary variety show blending witty monologues, comic sketches, and musical interludes, all anchored by the impeccable timing of its beloved host. It’s a masterclass in comedic timing.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
The Jack Benny Program, Storrying.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
Jack Benny with Barry Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester, Dennis Day
and yours prly Don Wilson, Ladies and gentlemen. Last Friday,
Jack Benny asked the members of his cast to come
(00:30):
to his house.
Speaker 3 (00:30):
At two pm. So let's go back to Friday and
find out why. Jack pauled the meeting. Is everybody here Rochester?
Speaker 1 (00:38):
Oh? But Tennis Day Poland and said it'd be a
little late.
Speaker 3 (00:41):
That's funny. Dennis is always one time. I wonder what
delayed him.
Speaker 1 (00:44):
He said that last night was Halloween and some kids
took the wheels off his bicycles.
Speaker 3 (00:50):
Well, why didn't he take the Sunset bus? They took
the wheels off of that too. Well that's what Dennis
gets for living in that kind of a neighborhood. I
glad the kids around here at that rowdy me too. Boys,
by the way, Rochester, go out and take the bathtub
off the front porch and put it back in the house.
Speaker 1 (01:08):
Again, what are you waiting for?
Speaker 3 (01:12):
Take the baths about the front porch? Okay, but Day,
what's cast in the car? Cast in the car? What's
that got to do with it?
Speaker 4 (01:19):
The porches in Pasadas. Why Pasadas?
Speaker 3 (01:32):
You mean the kids? Wind Oh shopping silly and do
what I tell you. Yes, I'm going to the library
and talk to my gang. Shine on, shine on harvest,
moon up in the sky higher, h oh. I better
(01:53):
hide these bicycle wheels, Dennis as liably gets sored. I'll
put them in the closet. I ain't had no love,
and since January, February, June or July. The other months
(02:14):
weren't so good either. Oh well, Hi, kids, Jackson, I'm
glad you're here early.
Speaker 1 (02:24):
I've got great news for you.
Speaker 3 (02:26):
You too, Polly, I'm kids kids. I want to read
you a telegram I received this morning. Dear mister Benny,
I heard your program last Sunday, and of all the
stinking wos wrong telegrams, where's that other one?
Speaker 1 (02:44):
Don't take a chance. Maybe you just read the good one.
Speaker 3 (02:46):
No, no, no, no, Here it is, dear mister Benny.
Since everyone is talking about your programs this season, we
are sending our photographer to take pictures of your group.
If convenient, Please have them all at your home Friday,
November the first, at three pm.
Speaker 1 (02:58):
Signed the Associated Press. Associated Press, our pictures will with
pair all over the country pictures. Gee, I wish you
had told me how I had my sweatshirt press.
Speaker 3 (03:08):
Well, just be happy. The pictures are from color, so
your red eyes won't show. Hey, if the photographer is
going to be here soon, I'm going to.
Speaker 5 (03:15):
Make my face up.
Speaker 1 (03:16):
Oh down, lend me my purse, will you please? It's
on the chair next to you.
Speaker 3 (03:19):
Here you are, Mary? Thanks? Gee, that smells wonderful. Mary.
Speaker 1 (03:28):
What is it money besides that? Oh, it's a new
persume I'm wearing. It's called get away from me.
Speaker 4 (03:46):
Boys.
Speaker 1 (03:46):
I'm going steady and let me see my lipsticks?
Speaker 6 (03:52):
Lipstick, lipstick.
Speaker 3 (03:53):
Why don't you turn your first offside down there for you? Mary?
Speaker 1 (03:56):
Okay, Mary, I'd be the rest of it in the hall.
Speaker 3 (04:06):
This room's still already. What a lot of junks. And look,
three chip swee sandwiches.
Speaker 1 (04:21):
There's your lips stick, Mary, there's a pone.
Speaker 3 (04:25):
I'll get it. Hello, Oh, mister Benny, this is Dennis. Hello, Dennis, we're.
Speaker 1 (04:30):
Waiting for you.
Speaker 3 (04:30):
What's taking you so long?
Speaker 6 (04:31):
I couldn't get a taxi? Oh so my mother's driving
me over.
Speaker 1 (04:34):
In her steamroller.
Speaker 3 (04:37):
But Dennis, I thought it was your uncle Harry. That
drove the steamroller not anymore? Why what happened?
Speaker 6 (04:42):
Well, yesterday something was wrong with the front roller, so
he got out to look at it, and some kids played.
Speaker 3 (04:47):
The meanest Halloween trick. Dennis, that's terrible. Where's your uncle? Now?
Speaker 6 (04:51):
Well you know that white line that runs down the
middle of Wilshire Boulevard. Uh huh, the dark part of
it is uncle Harry.
Speaker 3 (05:02):
Dennis stopped making things up like that. Your onco passed
here this morning, didn't he look thin. I'll hang up
and get over here. Yes, what a kid. Dennis will
be here in a few minutes. Mary, what are you
doing with the parrots? I'm just playing with us. He's cute. Yeah,
she's smart too. Last night I taught her her name,
Polly Bemmy. Go ahead, Mary, ask her what her name is.
Speaker 1 (05:24):
Okay, come on, Holly, what's your name? What's your name?
Speaker 6 (05:28):
I am the figures?
Speaker 3 (05:32):
Oh mine? She got that listening to the radio. Polly,
Why a cracker? Polly Winder cracker?
Speaker 1 (05:38):
Only want to jiwee sandwich.
Speaker 3 (05:42):
See I told you.
Speaker 5 (05:43):
Say, Jack, I'm on.
Speaker 3 (05:44):
Your parents lived Oh a long time, Mary, some of
them lived very long. Oh is this with Jackson's sixty
three and she still got all her feather. That's born.
You can say, Bob, they'll all be funny. You always
have to be a wise guy. I got Mary's Halloween
party last night?
Speaker 5 (06:00):
What no matter?
Speaker 3 (06:00):
What did I do wrong? Trying to make jokes about
everything in that costume you wore. Imagine covering yourself with
cobwebs and coming as a wine cellar.
Speaker 1 (06:12):
Wa now fit? Well?
Speaker 3 (06:13):
At least I best go for my costume. That's more
than you did.
Speaker 1 (06:16):
What do you mean you didn't spend a dime.
Speaker 3 (06:17):
You put on a pair of shorts, stood out in
the cold, and came his little boy blue. Oh you're
just mad because Mary gave me the first prize.
Speaker 1 (06:29):
Well you deserve thanks Mary. They were swell, but they
don't quite fit my car.
Speaker 3 (06:33):
What was the prize?
Speaker 1 (06:34):
Murray has four wheels off the sunset?
Speaker 3 (06:36):
Fun?
Speaker 7 (06:37):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (06:38):
All the phone, Rochester, will you answered, please?
Speaker 1 (06:43):
Jack Belly that's star stage screen and wait we'll sell
two bicycle wheels. It ridiculously low prizes.
Speaker 6 (06:49):
Hello Rochester, this is Dennis, Please telling me trup Hey,
what did you say about two bicycle wheels?
Speaker 1 (06:54):
Oh Belly, sorry you have a long numbers.
Speaker 3 (07:00):
Hello, take on, Rochester. Rochester. I side popey to Rochester
only time I talk it to tiny boy?
Speaker 1 (07:08):
Oh solid, No, Rochester here.
Speaker 3 (07:12):
Much chump chumped rocking to stop playing games and give
me that telephone. Hello? Who is this?
Speaker 6 (07:20):
Oh mister Bennie, This is Dennis, and Rochester said you
had a pair of bicycle wheels going long.
Speaker 3 (07:24):
I'm black. Go bye, mister Bennie, mister Benny. Look Dennis,
why aren't you here? Well, I'm in a music store.
Speaker 6 (07:34):
I dropped in to buy a copy of a song
I'm gonna.
Speaker 1 (07:36):
Do on Sunday.
Speaker 3 (07:37):
It's called Rumors Are Flying. Oh, yes, I heard that song.
Does I have a good arrangement? Oh it's twelve? What
about the bicycle wheels? Dennis? A song out of the goal?
Speaker 5 (07:45):
You want me to sing it for you?
Speaker 3 (07:46):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (07:47):
Yes, But what about the bicycle wheel?
Speaker 3 (07:49):
Yes?
Speaker 5 (07:49):
Sing the song? Will you please?
Speaker 3 (07:50):
Okay? What about the bicycle wheel?
Speaker 1 (07:52):
Operator you'll keep out of it.
Speaker 3 (07:55):
Go ahead, Dennis. Let's hear the talk.
Speaker 7 (08:09):
Runners off line that you've got these side. But I'm
a crazy kind of a day, a lazy thought of
the haze. When I go walking crazy, I hear people's talking.
I say, are affair is not bathing?
Speaker 5 (08:32):
Day, and they whisper.
Speaker 7 (08:38):
Off the flow.
Speaker 3 (08:41):
I keep spending you by the dozen, and they won
are the old.
Speaker 7 (08:52):
Lad I spend with you with keep them buzzing, runners
are flying, and I'm not inn fay sure I'm falling
in love with you.
Speaker 5 (09:12):
For all the rumors about through and they whispered about
the flowers, I keep sending you by the dozen, and
(09:34):
they wonder, and I spend with you.
Speaker 3 (09:44):
Even the puson.
Speaker 7 (09:47):
Rumers are flying and I'm not sing n hay sure
I'm falling in.
Speaker 3 (09:58):
Love with you.
Speaker 1 (10:33):
Now, kids, the photographer will be here any minute.
Speaker 3 (10:35):
So when he takes the pictures, I'll sit in that
big armchair and you all gather around behind me. Hell,
you'll be kneeling at my right. Uh huh.
Speaker 1 (10:44):
Now, Don you'll be at my left, down on one knee, okay.
Speaker 3 (10:48):
And Mary, I'll put the crown on your head. No, no, no,
this will be informal. Now.
Speaker 1 (10:56):
Uh, let's Phil, Phil, you kneel on my right.
Speaker 3 (11:02):
Okay. Don you're here on my lap.
Speaker 1 (11:04):
All right, I'm married, Yes, your majesty, don't.
Speaker 3 (11:07):
Cut that off. You're just trying to get an idea.
Speaker 1 (11:12):
Well, that's probably the photographer.
Speaker 7 (11:14):
Come in.
Speaker 3 (11:15):
Well, here I am Dennis on the world.
Speaker 1 (11:18):
You get here so fast, mother steamroller has an overdrive.
Speaker 3 (11:25):
Look dann to stop with that steamroller nonsense and shut
the door. Jump a second, mister Benny, goodbye mother. I
thought he was making the whole thing up. Now, Dennis, Dennis.
The reason we're all here, that is the reason we're
(11:46):
all here, is we're going to take publicity pictures. I
thought today was payday. Why what made you think that
everybody's kneeling bad for the picture? I'll come here, Dennis,
you stand alongside. That must be him. Come in, Yes,
(12:09):
mister Benny of My name is Johnson. I'm a photographer
from the Associated Press. Good good, we've been expecting you.
You're right on time. I know, and I have other cultivates.
So let's get on with the pitchers. Okay, I'm kids.
Everybody gather around. Hell, put down that glass. You're not
posing for the man of distinction. I'll come on, everybody,
Go a second. There's something wrong wrong, Yes, there are
(12:32):
five of you. I always thought that in a quartet
they were only four quartet. What what are you driving at?
Mister Johnson?
Speaker 1 (12:44):
The Associated Press sent me over to take pictures of
your new quartet.
Speaker 3 (12:47):
Where are they?
Speaker 1 (12:49):
Well, well, let's just come on, mister Johnson, take your
camera and get.
Speaker 3 (12:55):
Out of here. How ow, that's the last s crawl.
I'm going to see my lawyer and get rid of
that quartete. It's the last thing I do. Marry, you
want to go with me?
Speaker 1 (13:06):
Well, Jack, I've got some shopping you do. I don't
need you to office.
Speaker 3 (13:09):
All right, I'll see you there, Rochester. Get the car out.
We're going downtown Rochester. My lawyer's office is at Broadway
up nine. Yes, Oh boy, why didn't I think of
(13:33):
this before? My lawyer will take care of that quartet
for me. Gosh, I feel better already, Margie. I'm always
thinking of you, girl. True. I'll tell the gee I'm thickle.
Oh say, Rochester, slow down. There's a fellow sitting on
the curb. His clothes are all ragged, and look at
(13:54):
his shoes. He's probably been walking for weeks. Let's give
him a lift.
Speaker 1 (13:57):
Say, buddy, would you like a ride?
Speaker 3 (14:00):
I've I'm waiting for him there. Good Bye, Funny, I
thought he was looking for a watching Rochester. The light's changing,
Shine on, shine on harvest, move up in the sky.
Speaker 1 (14:22):
Hey, Martha, isn't that Jack Benny? Where Emily sitting in
that car?
Speaker 3 (14:27):
Real?
Speaker 1 (14:27):
I do declare it is him? Oh, Emily, isn't the
handsome I'm just so dignified too. Just look at those
big blue eyes. I think he's adorable.
Speaker 3 (14:46):
Oh Marther at your age?
Speaker 1 (14:48):
Well, I just can't help it. Just looking at him
gives me renewed strength. Oh look, my cane, he isn't
even touching the ground. Oh masta, Oh Marta, Oh Marta,
loosen up, Emily, stop being so loyal to Tom Brenham.
Speaker 3 (15:14):
Well, I guess you're right. Jack Benny is kind of cute.
Speaker 1 (15:18):
Yes, yes, he said he is cute.
Speaker 3 (15:21):
Don't go yet, Rochester. I want to hear this.
Speaker 1 (15:26):
He's too clever to I love him on the radio,
so do I And Emily. What did you see him
in the horn blows at midnight?
Speaker 3 (15:33):
Let's go Rochester. Let's go. Oh heard gold, ladies, And
I want to remember him that way. He's driving. See Mary,
(16:03):
you got here before I did, yeh, I thought I
was going to be late. Is this your lawyer's office? Yeah?
Speaker 1 (16:09):
Hm, Fisher attorney at law.
Speaker 3 (16:11):
Let's go in. Hmm, there's a new girl of the reception. Desk.
Pardon me, miss, I'd like to see mister Fisher.
Speaker 1 (16:18):
Do you have an appartment?
Speaker 7 (16:23):
Well?
Speaker 3 (16:24):
What do you have an apparentness? Yes, yes, I have
an appointment. Well I said i'd have an appointment an
apparent man? Oh, thank you? Come on Mary.
Speaker 1 (16:49):
Now look, missus, I'm a busy man.
Speaker 3 (16:51):
I can't stay on this one all day.
Speaker 1 (16:53):
I told you I won't settle his case for less
than two million dollars.
Speaker 3 (16:57):
I'm sorry, mister Smith. That's up to you.
Speaker 1 (16:59):
Mister Smith, good time.
Speaker 3 (17:01):
How long? Mister Fisher? Now, how do you do? Mister Smith?
Speaker 7 (17:03):
No?
Speaker 3 (17:04):
No, Benny, Benny Jack Denny. Oh yes, yes, please forgive me.
Speaker 1 (17:07):
It's just that I've been so busy, lady, and had
so many things.
Speaker 3 (17:09):
On my mind. I understand, mister Fisher. I like you
to meet Miss Livingstone. How do you do, Miss living Stair?
How do you do?
Speaker 1 (17:14):
Haven't we met before?
Speaker 3 (17:16):
I don't think so. It's funny.
Speaker 1 (17:17):
Your name is so permit you. It keeps running through
my mind. Smith Smith Smith, No, No, no, her name
is livingstwn.
Speaker 3 (17:25):
Oh yes, yes, how stupid?
Speaker 7 (17:27):
I mean?
Speaker 3 (17:27):
Your name is Smith?
Speaker 1 (17:31):
No?
Speaker 3 (17:31):
No?
Speaker 1 (17:32):
Look, as Smith was on the telephone, what happened to Benny.
Speaker 3 (17:38):
I'm Benny Jack Benny. Oh, yes, man, what can I
do for you? Mister Fisher? What I came to see
you about? Is that? Pardon me?
Speaker 1 (17:45):
Yes, we'll send them right here. This won't take long.
It seems to be very urgent. As domestic cave Collen,
mister Fisher, I want I.
Speaker 6 (17:54):
Do the talking and you'll keep your big mouth shut.
Speaker 3 (17:58):
Me, big Mont.
Speaker 1 (17:59):
Your lynch could be special over a piano store. Oh
now we can settle this without harsh words.
Speaker 3 (18:06):
That's okay with me.
Speaker 1 (18:07):
I want a divorce this jerk very well, but you'll
need grounds.
Speaker 3 (18:12):
If I had that, I buried him.
Speaker 1 (18:15):
Oh yes, please please, let's not resort to that. What
are your names again, miss Krause?
Speaker 3 (18:22):
Very well, I'll file the application.
Speaker 1 (18:23):
Goodbye, And now getting back to you, what did you
come to see me about?
Speaker 3 (18:27):
Well? And I started the same.
Speaker 1 (18:29):
Yes, I remember you too, want a divorce?
Speaker 3 (18:32):
How you?
Speaker 1 (18:34):
No? No, look that's kraw of course, of course I
had you confused with mister and missus Livingston who just
lives I'm Livingstone? Oh yes, yes you're mister Krause. No no, no,
look I'm Smith, I mean Benny. Oh yes, Benny Livings
(18:54):
did yes, and now what's on your mind?
Speaker 3 (19:00):
Well, I've got a quartzet on my radio program, and
I want to break their contract. Here it is m
looks like an iron laid agreement.
Speaker 1 (19:07):
But I've got a very clever idea.
Speaker 3 (19:09):
You can break the contract.
Speaker 1 (19:10):
Not only that, but with my idea, I can make
them refund.
Speaker 3 (19:13):
All your money, all my money. How tummy? Tell me?
Speaker 7 (19:17):
Jack?
Speaker 1 (19:18):
You can't talk like go of his collar?
Speaker 3 (19:21):
Come, I'm sorry. All I have to do is excuse me?
Speaker 7 (19:25):
Yes?
Speaker 3 (19:25):
What good? It good? Send them right in. It's that
couple who were in here just a minute ago for
a divorce, Mister and missus Fisher. Your name is Fisher?
Speaker 1 (19:33):
I mean mister and missus Livings. Did their name is crowd?
Speaker 7 (19:36):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (19:36):
Yes, thank you, miss Smith. Jack. Isn't this a lawyer who.
Speaker 1 (19:43):
Pleaded a case and got the jury so confused that
sent the judge up for twenty years? Oh?
Speaker 3 (19:56):
Oh so you read about it? Huh read about it?
I thought I made up a joke. You mean it's true?
Speaker 1 (20:04):
Yes, they come in, Come, doll face, carry me over
the threshold.
Speaker 3 (20:12):
No, lover, you carry me. You're stronger. Okay, we're not
so high.
Speaker 1 (20:19):
I'll get a nose please.
Speaker 3 (20:23):
Come come, I'm a busy man. Are you sure your
minds will be done?
Speaker 4 (20:27):
Yes?
Speaker 7 (20:27):
Me?
Speaker 3 (20:28):
Stardus don't want the divorce?
Speaker 1 (20:30):
Fine, fine, I won't file the application, and good luck
to both of you.
Speaker 7 (20:34):
Thank you?
Speaker 3 (20:35):
Now, who will we? Mister Livingston, Benny's the name Jack Benny. Look,
this is miss Livingston. Mister and missus Kraus just left.
You're Fisher and Smith.
Speaker 1 (20:44):
Was on the phone.
Speaker 8 (20:45):
I'm telling mister Fisher you said you do break the
contracts and Mike Fortas, Now how are.
Speaker 3 (20:55):
You gonna do it?
Speaker 1 (20:56):
And now let's see since you're suing them for two
million dollars. Oh yes, that would Crow, that would Smith
on the phone.
Speaker 3 (21:05):
But what are you doing here? I don't remember. All
I know is I haven't a person.
Speaker 1 (21:13):
I mean in a park.
Speaker 3 (21:17):
Oh yes, yeah, you came in here about a quartet?
I remember.
Speaker 1 (21:21):
Now you came in with this girl here, miss miss
kingle Bottom.
Speaker 3 (21:27):
Now wait, mister Pitcher, about my quartet. You gotta break
that contract here, it is on your desk. Oh that
would hey.
Speaker 1 (21:33):
I'm sorry, but that contract is unbreakable. You haven't got
a chance. So I advise you as yours aureoce.
Speaker 3 (21:39):
Now what come in. I'm gone a divorce shoes is
the last thing I do. Use punted.
Speaker 1 (21:48):
To a warrior after we left here a carriage all
the way down the hall, so you wouldn't tire your
big flat steet.
Speaker 3 (21:55):
You didn't have to drop me down. That's laundry shoot,
lawndry shoot.
Speaker 7 (22:00):
I hit bottom like a stack.
Speaker 1 (22:01):
Of wet wash with your shape, all else could get here. Look,
mister fisher, I've got the applications right here.
Speaker 3 (22:09):
God, we'll see you in cart goodbye. Gee. That's a shame.
Such a nice couple have got their own shows too.
Speaker 1 (22:21):
I wouldn't worry about that. This has been going on
for twenty years. They'll get back together. But I am
worried about the children.
Speaker 3 (22:29):
Children.
Speaker 1 (22:29):
Yes, that's the tragedy of divorce. Who's gonna take care
of the little one?
Speaker 3 (22:33):
Hmmm? And I think I have trouble as a fisher.
I'm glad I dropped into your office today. I got
a big home, a fucker swimming pool, and I'm gonna
do something that'll make me happy to I'm gonna have
their children come home and live with me until their
parents make up their minds.
Speaker 1 (22:51):
Mister Krause, that's the noblest thing you've every done. Browse Yes,
it's a wonderful thing.
Speaker 8 (22:58):
And from no one.
Speaker 1 (23:00):
Children are your responsibility.
Speaker 3 (23:01):
Good good, And the children are here right here.
Speaker 1 (23:03):
In the next office. Well, Jeanie, I see the little rascals.
Speaker 3 (23:06):
Now you certainly may go right here. Thank you. You
you are the children.
Speaker 1 (23:16):
I couldn't say yeah, I don't stand, and it's right
I gener leave now I'm their.
Speaker 7 (23:20):
Mother, Jay, that are growing growing.
Speaker 3 (23:27):
Come on, Mary, let's go. Ladies and gentlemen, America's veterans
(23:53):
need homes. Millions have been hit by the critical shortage,
but our veterans are, by all odds the worst sufferers.
They feel the shortage more acutely because they interrupted their
lives to go into the arms services. So it is
only fair that the veterans' families should get first chance
at all vacancies. They'll be grateful for your cooperation. Thank you,
(24:29):
ladies and gentlemen. We'll be with you again next Sunday
at the same time when for our future attraction we
will present our version of Mark Hellinger's great universal International
picture The Killers.
Speaker 1 (24:44):
As the third one we've killed, and we're just auditioning.
Speaker 3 (24:48):
And night, Paul, don't forget to go through that. This
is NBC, the National broadcasting company
The Jack Benny Program, Storrying.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
Jack Benny with Barry Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester, Dennis Day
and yours prly Don Wilson, Ladies and gentlemen. Last Friday,
Jack Benny asked the members of his cast to come
(00:30):
to his house.
Speaker 3 (00:30):
At two pm. So let's go back to Friday and
find out why. Jack pauled the meeting. Is everybody here Rochester?
Speaker 1 (00:38):
Oh? But Tennis Day Poland and said it'd be a
little late.
Speaker 3 (00:41):
That's funny. Dennis is always one time. I wonder what
delayed him.
Speaker 1 (00:44):
He said that last night was Halloween and some kids
took the wheels off his bicycles.
Speaker 3 (00:50):
Well, why didn't he take the Sunset bus? They took
the wheels off of that too. Well that's what Dennis
gets for living in that kind of a neighborhood. I
glad the kids around here at that rowdy me too. Boys,
by the way, Rochester, go out and take the bathtub
off the front porch and put it back in the house.
Speaker 1 (01:08):
Again, what are you waiting for?
Speaker 3 (01:12):
Take the baths about the front porch? Okay, but Day,
what's cast in the car? Cast in the car? What's
that got to do with it?
Speaker 4 (01:19):
The porches in Pasadas. Why Pasadas?
Speaker 3 (01:32):
You mean the kids? Wind Oh shopping silly and do
what I tell you. Yes, I'm going to the library
and talk to my gang. Shine on, shine on harvest,
moon up in the sky higher, h oh. I better
(01:53):
hide these bicycle wheels, Dennis as liably gets sored. I'll
put them in the closet. I ain't had no love,
and since January, February, June or July. The other months
(02:14):
weren't so good either. Oh well, Hi, kids, Jackson, I'm
glad you're here early.
Speaker 1 (02:24):
I've got great news for you.
Speaker 3 (02:26):
You too, Polly, I'm kids kids. I want to read
you a telegram I received this morning. Dear mister Benny,
I heard your program last Sunday, and of all the
stinking wos wrong telegrams, where's that other one?
Speaker 1 (02:44):
Don't take a chance. Maybe you just read the good one.
Speaker 3 (02:46):
No, no, no, no, Here it is, dear mister Benny.
Since everyone is talking about your programs this season, we
are sending our photographer to take pictures of your group.
If convenient, Please have them all at your home Friday,
November the first, at three pm.
Speaker 1 (02:58):
Signed the Associated Press. Associated Press, our pictures will with
pair all over the country pictures. Gee, I wish you
had told me how I had my sweatshirt press.
Speaker 3 (03:08):
Well, just be happy. The pictures are from color, so
your red eyes won't show. Hey, if the photographer is
going to be here soon, I'm going to.
Speaker 5 (03:15):
Make my face up.
Speaker 1 (03:16):
Oh down, lend me my purse, will you please? It's
on the chair next to you.
Speaker 3 (03:19):
Here you are, Mary? Thanks? Gee, that smells wonderful. Mary.
Speaker 1 (03:28):
What is it money besides that? Oh, it's a new
persume I'm wearing. It's called get away from me.
Speaker 4 (03:46):
Boys.
Speaker 1 (03:46):
I'm going steady and let me see my lipsticks?
Speaker 6 (03:52):
Lipstick, lipstick.
Speaker 3 (03:53):
Why don't you turn your first offside down there for you? Mary?
Speaker 1 (03:56):
Okay, Mary, I'd be the rest of it in the hall.
Speaker 3 (04:06):
This room's still already. What a lot of junks. And look,
three chip swee sandwiches.
Speaker 1 (04:21):
There's your lips stick, Mary, there's a pone.
Speaker 3 (04:25):
I'll get it. Hello, Oh, mister Benny, this is Dennis. Hello, Dennis, we're.
Speaker 1 (04:30):
Waiting for you.
Speaker 3 (04:30):
What's taking you so long?
Speaker 6 (04:31):
I couldn't get a taxi? Oh so my mother's driving
me over.
Speaker 1 (04:34):
In her steamroller.
Speaker 3 (04:37):
But Dennis, I thought it was your uncle Harry. That
drove the steamroller not anymore? Why what happened?
Speaker 6 (04:42):
Well, yesterday something was wrong with the front roller, so
he got out to look at it, and some kids played.
Speaker 3 (04:47):
The meanest Halloween trick. Dennis, that's terrible. Where's your uncle? Now?
Speaker 6 (04:51):
Well you know that white line that runs down the
middle of Wilshire Boulevard. Uh huh, the dark part of
it is uncle Harry.
Speaker 3 (05:02):
Dennis stopped making things up like that. Your onco passed
here this morning, didn't he look thin. I'll hang up
and get over here. Yes, what a kid. Dennis will
be here in a few minutes. Mary, what are you
doing with the parrots? I'm just playing with us. He's cute. Yeah,
she's smart too. Last night I taught her her name,
Polly Bemmy. Go ahead, Mary, ask her what her name is.
Speaker 1 (05:24):
Okay, come on, Holly, what's your name? What's your name?
Speaker 6 (05:28):
I am the figures?
Speaker 3 (05:32):
Oh mine? She got that listening to the radio. Polly,
Why a cracker? Polly Winder cracker?
Speaker 1 (05:38):
Only want to jiwee sandwich.
Speaker 3 (05:42):
See I told you.
Speaker 5 (05:43):
Say, Jack, I'm on.
Speaker 3 (05:44):
Your parents lived Oh a long time, Mary, some of
them lived very long. Oh is this with Jackson's sixty
three and she still got all her feather. That's born.
You can say, Bob, they'll all be funny. You always
have to be a wise guy. I got Mary's Halloween
party last night?
Speaker 5 (06:00):
What no matter?
Speaker 3 (06:00):
What did I do wrong? Trying to make jokes about
everything in that costume you wore. Imagine covering yourself with
cobwebs and coming as a wine cellar.
Speaker 1 (06:12):
Wa now fit? Well?
Speaker 3 (06:13):
At least I best go for my costume. That's more
than you did.
Speaker 1 (06:16):
What do you mean you didn't spend a dime.
Speaker 3 (06:17):
You put on a pair of shorts, stood out in
the cold, and came his little boy blue. Oh you're
just mad because Mary gave me the first prize.
Speaker 1 (06:29):
Well you deserve thanks Mary. They were swell, but they
don't quite fit my car.
Speaker 3 (06:33):
What was the prize?
Speaker 1 (06:34):
Murray has four wheels off the sunset?
Speaker 3 (06:36):
Fun?
Speaker 7 (06:37):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (06:38):
All the phone, Rochester, will you answered, please?
Speaker 1 (06:43):
Jack Belly that's star stage screen and wait we'll sell
two bicycle wheels. It ridiculously low prizes.
Speaker 6 (06:49):
Hello Rochester, this is Dennis, Please telling me trup Hey,
what did you say about two bicycle wheels?
Speaker 1 (06:54):
Oh Belly, sorry you have a long numbers.
Speaker 3 (07:00):
Hello, take on, Rochester. Rochester. I side popey to Rochester
only time I talk it to tiny boy?
Speaker 1 (07:08):
Oh solid, No, Rochester here.
Speaker 3 (07:12):
Much chump chumped rocking to stop playing games and give
me that telephone. Hello? Who is this?
Speaker 6 (07:20):
Oh mister Bennie, This is Dennis, and Rochester said you
had a pair of bicycle wheels going long.
Speaker 3 (07:24):
I'm black. Go bye, mister Bennie, mister Benny. Look Dennis,
why aren't you here? Well, I'm in a music store.
Speaker 6 (07:34):
I dropped in to buy a copy of a song
I'm gonna.
Speaker 1 (07:36):
Do on Sunday.
Speaker 3 (07:37):
It's called Rumors Are Flying. Oh, yes, I heard that song.
Does I have a good arrangement? Oh it's twelve? What
about the bicycle wheels? Dennis? A song out of the goal?
Speaker 5 (07:45):
You want me to sing it for you?
Speaker 3 (07:46):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (07:47):
Yes, But what about the bicycle wheel?
Speaker 3 (07:49):
Yes?
Speaker 5 (07:49):
Sing the song? Will you please?
Speaker 3 (07:50):
Okay? What about the bicycle wheel?
Speaker 1 (07:52):
Operator you'll keep out of it.
Speaker 3 (07:55):
Go ahead, Dennis. Let's hear the talk.
Speaker 7 (08:09):
Runners off line that you've got these side. But I'm
a crazy kind of a day, a lazy thought of
the haze. When I go walking crazy, I hear people's talking.
I say, are affair is not bathing?
Speaker 5 (08:32):
Day, and they whisper.
Speaker 7 (08:38):
Off the flow.
Speaker 3 (08:41):
I keep spending you by the dozen, and they won
are the old.
Speaker 7 (08:52):
Lad I spend with you with keep them buzzing, runners
are flying, and I'm not inn fay sure I'm falling
in love with you.
Speaker 5 (09:12):
For all the rumors about through and they whispered about
the flowers, I keep sending you by the dozen, and
(09:34):
they wonder, and I spend with you.
Speaker 3 (09:44):
Even the puson.
Speaker 7 (09:47):
Rumers are flying and I'm not sing n hay sure
I'm falling in.
Speaker 3 (09:58):
Love with you.
Speaker 1 (10:33):
Now, kids, the photographer will be here any minute.
Speaker 3 (10:35):
So when he takes the pictures, I'll sit in that
big armchair and you all gather around behind me. Hell,
you'll be kneeling at my right. Uh huh.
Speaker 1 (10:44):
Now, Don you'll be at my left, down on one knee, okay.
Speaker 3 (10:48):
And Mary, I'll put the crown on your head. No, no, no,
this will be informal. Now.
Speaker 1 (10:56):
Uh, let's Phil, Phil, you kneel on my right.
Speaker 3 (11:02):
Okay. Don you're here on my lap.
Speaker 1 (11:04):
All right, I'm married, Yes, your majesty, don't.
Speaker 3 (11:07):
Cut that off. You're just trying to get an idea.
Speaker 1 (11:12):
Well, that's probably the photographer.
Speaker 7 (11:14):
Come in.
Speaker 3 (11:15):
Well, here I am Dennis on the world.
Speaker 1 (11:18):
You get here so fast, mother steamroller has an overdrive.
Speaker 3 (11:25):
Look dann to stop with that steamroller nonsense and shut
the door. Jump a second, mister Benny, goodbye mother. I
thought he was making the whole thing up. Now, Dennis, Dennis.
The reason we're all here, that is the reason we're
(11:46):
all here, is we're going to take publicity pictures. I
thought today was payday. Why what made you think that
everybody's kneeling bad for the picture? I'll come here, Dennis,
you stand alongside. That must be him. Come in, Yes,
(12:09):
mister Benny of My name is Johnson. I'm a photographer
from the Associated Press. Good good, we've been expecting you.
You're right on time. I know, and I have other cultivates.
So let's get on with the pitchers. Okay, I'm kids.
Everybody gather around. Hell, put down that glass. You're not
posing for the man of distinction. I'll come on, everybody,
Go a second. There's something wrong wrong, Yes, there are
(12:32):
five of you. I always thought that in a quartet
they were only four quartet. What what are you driving at?
Mister Johnson?
Speaker 1 (12:44):
The Associated Press sent me over to take pictures of
your new quartet.
Speaker 3 (12:47):
Where are they?
Speaker 1 (12:49):
Well, well, let's just come on, mister Johnson, take your
camera and get.
Speaker 3 (12:55):
Out of here. How ow, that's the last s crawl.
I'm going to see my lawyer and get rid of
that quartete. It's the last thing I do. Marry, you
want to go with me?
Speaker 1 (13:06):
Well, Jack, I've got some shopping you do. I don't
need you to office.
Speaker 3 (13:09):
All right, I'll see you there, Rochester. Get the car out.
We're going downtown Rochester. My lawyer's office is at Broadway
up nine. Yes, Oh boy, why didn't I think of
(13:33):
this before? My lawyer will take care of that quartet
for me. Gosh, I feel better already, Margie. I'm always
thinking of you, girl. True. I'll tell the gee I'm thickle.
Oh say, Rochester, slow down. There's a fellow sitting on
the curb. His clothes are all ragged, and look at
(13:54):
his shoes. He's probably been walking for weeks. Let's give
him a lift.
Speaker 1 (13:57):
Say, buddy, would you like a ride?
Speaker 3 (14:00):
I've I'm waiting for him there. Good Bye, Funny, I
thought he was looking for a watching Rochester. The light's changing,
Shine on, shine on harvest, move up in the sky.
Speaker 1 (14:22):
Hey, Martha, isn't that Jack Benny? Where Emily sitting in
that car?
Speaker 3 (14:27):
Real?
Speaker 1 (14:27):
I do declare it is him? Oh, Emily, isn't the
handsome I'm just so dignified too. Just look at those
big blue eyes. I think he's adorable.
Speaker 3 (14:46):
Oh Marther at your age?
Speaker 1 (14:48):
Well, I just can't help it. Just looking at him
gives me renewed strength. Oh look, my cane, he isn't
even touching the ground. Oh masta, Oh Marta, Oh Marta,
loosen up, Emily, stop being so loyal to Tom Brenham.
Speaker 3 (15:14):
Well, I guess you're right. Jack Benny is kind of cute.
Speaker 1 (15:18):
Yes, yes, he said he is cute.
Speaker 3 (15:21):
Don't go yet, Rochester. I want to hear this.
Speaker 1 (15:26):
He's too clever to I love him on the radio,
so do I And Emily. What did you see him
in the horn blows at midnight?
Speaker 3 (15:33):
Let's go Rochester. Let's go. Oh heard gold, ladies, And
I want to remember him that way. He's driving. See Mary,
(16:03):
you got here before I did, yeh, I thought I
was going to be late. Is this your lawyer's office? Yeah?
Speaker 1 (16:09):
Hm, Fisher attorney at law.
Speaker 3 (16:11):
Let's go in. Hmm, there's a new girl of the reception. Desk.
Pardon me, miss, I'd like to see mister Fisher.
Speaker 1 (16:18):
Do you have an appartment?
Speaker 7 (16:23):
Well?
Speaker 3 (16:24):
What do you have an apparentness? Yes, yes, I have
an appointment. Well I said i'd have an appointment an
apparent man? Oh, thank you? Come on Mary.
Speaker 1 (16:49):
Now look, missus, I'm a busy man.
Speaker 3 (16:51):
I can't stay on this one all day.
Speaker 1 (16:53):
I told you I won't settle his case for less
than two million dollars.
Speaker 3 (16:57):
I'm sorry, mister Smith. That's up to you.
Speaker 1 (16:59):
Mister Smith, good time.
Speaker 3 (17:01):
How long? Mister Fisher? Now, how do you do? Mister Smith?
Speaker 7 (17:03):
No?
Speaker 3 (17:04):
No, Benny, Benny Jack Denny. Oh yes, yes, please forgive me.
Speaker 1 (17:07):
It's just that I've been so busy, lady, and had
so many things.
Speaker 3 (17:09):
On my mind. I understand, mister Fisher. I like you
to meet Miss Livingstone. How do you do, Miss living Stair?
How do you do?
Speaker 1 (17:14):
Haven't we met before?
Speaker 3 (17:16):
I don't think so. It's funny.
Speaker 1 (17:17):
Your name is so permit you. It keeps running through
my mind. Smith Smith Smith, No, No, no, her name
is livingstwn.
Speaker 3 (17:25):
Oh yes, yes, how stupid?
Speaker 7 (17:27):
I mean?
Speaker 3 (17:27):
Your name is Smith?
Speaker 1 (17:31):
No?
Speaker 3 (17:31):
No?
Speaker 1 (17:32):
Look, as Smith was on the telephone, what happened to Benny.
Speaker 3 (17:38):
I'm Benny Jack Benny. Oh, yes, man, what can I
do for you? Mister Fisher? What I came to see
you about? Is that? Pardon me?
Speaker 1 (17:45):
Yes, we'll send them right here. This won't take long.
It seems to be very urgent. As domestic cave Collen,
mister Fisher, I want I.
Speaker 6 (17:54):
Do the talking and you'll keep your big mouth shut.
Speaker 3 (17:58):
Me, big Mont.
Speaker 1 (17:59):
Your lynch could be special over a piano store. Oh
now we can settle this without harsh words.
Speaker 3 (18:06):
That's okay with me.
Speaker 1 (18:07):
I want a divorce this jerk very well, but you'll
need grounds.
Speaker 3 (18:12):
If I had that, I buried him.
Speaker 1 (18:15):
Oh yes, please please, let's not resort to that. What
are your names again, miss Krause?
Speaker 3 (18:22):
Very well, I'll file the application.
Speaker 1 (18:23):
Goodbye, And now getting back to you, what did you
come to see me about?
Speaker 3 (18:27):
Well? And I started the same.
Speaker 1 (18:29):
Yes, I remember you too, want a divorce?
Speaker 3 (18:32):
How you?
Speaker 1 (18:34):
No? No, look that's kraw of course, of course I
had you confused with mister and missus Livingston who just
lives I'm Livingstone? Oh yes, yes you're mister Krause. No no, no,
look I'm Smith, I mean Benny. Oh yes, Benny Livings
(18:54):
did yes, and now what's on your mind?
Speaker 3 (19:00):
Well, I've got a quartzet on my radio program, and
I want to break their contract. Here it is m
looks like an iron laid agreement.
Speaker 1 (19:07):
But I've got a very clever idea.
Speaker 3 (19:09):
You can break the contract.
Speaker 1 (19:10):
Not only that, but with my idea, I can make
them refund.
Speaker 3 (19:13):
All your money, all my money. How tummy? Tell me?
Speaker 7 (19:17):
Jack?
Speaker 1 (19:18):
You can't talk like go of his collar?
Speaker 3 (19:21):
Come, I'm sorry. All I have to do is excuse me?
Speaker 7 (19:25):
Yes?
Speaker 3 (19:25):
What good? It good? Send them right in. It's that
couple who were in here just a minute ago for
a divorce, Mister and missus Fisher. Your name is Fisher?
Speaker 1 (19:33):
I mean mister and missus Livings. Did their name is crowd?
Speaker 7 (19:36):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (19:36):
Yes, thank you, miss Smith. Jack. Isn't this a lawyer who.
Speaker 1 (19:43):
Pleaded a case and got the jury so confused that
sent the judge up for twenty years? Oh?
Speaker 3 (19:56):
Oh so you read about it? Huh read about it?
I thought I made up a joke. You mean it's true?
Speaker 1 (20:04):
Yes, they come in, Come, doll face, carry me over
the threshold.
Speaker 3 (20:12):
No, lover, you carry me. You're stronger. Okay, we're not
so high.
Speaker 1 (20:19):
I'll get a nose please.
Speaker 3 (20:23):
Come come, I'm a busy man. Are you sure your
minds will be done?
Speaker 4 (20:27):
Yes?
Speaker 7 (20:27):
Me?
Speaker 3 (20:28):
Stardus don't want the divorce?
Speaker 1 (20:30):
Fine, fine, I won't file the application, and good luck
to both of you.
Speaker 7 (20:34):
Thank you?
Speaker 3 (20:35):
Now, who will we? Mister Livingston, Benny's the name Jack Benny. Look,
this is miss Livingston. Mister and missus Kraus just left.
You're Fisher and Smith.
Speaker 1 (20:44):
Was on the phone.
Speaker 8 (20:45):
I'm telling mister Fisher you said you do break the
contracts and Mike Fortas, Now how are.
Speaker 3 (20:55):
You gonna do it?
Speaker 1 (20:56):
And now let's see since you're suing them for two
million dollars. Oh yes, that would Crow, that would Smith
on the phone.
Speaker 3 (21:05):
But what are you doing here? I don't remember. All
I know is I haven't a person.
Speaker 1 (21:13):
I mean in a park.
Speaker 3 (21:17):
Oh yes, yeah, you came in here about a quartet?
I remember.
Speaker 1 (21:21):
Now you came in with this girl here, miss miss
kingle Bottom.
Speaker 3 (21:27):
Now wait, mister Pitcher, about my quartet. You gotta break
that contract here, it is on your desk. Oh that
would hey.
Speaker 1 (21:33):
I'm sorry, but that contract is unbreakable. You haven't got
a chance. So I advise you as yours aureoce.
Speaker 3 (21:39):
Now what come in. I'm gone a divorce shoes is
the last thing I do. Use punted.
Speaker 1 (21:48):
To a warrior after we left here a carriage all
the way down the hall, so you wouldn't tire your
big flat steet.
Speaker 3 (21:55):
You didn't have to drop me down. That's laundry shoot,
lawndry shoot.
Speaker 7 (22:00):
I hit bottom like a stack.
Speaker 1 (22:01):
Of wet wash with your shape, all else could get here. Look,
mister fisher, I've got the applications right here.
Speaker 3 (22:09):
God, we'll see you in cart goodbye. Gee. That's a shame.
Such a nice couple have got their own shows too.
Speaker 1 (22:21):
I wouldn't worry about that. This has been going on
for twenty years. They'll get back together. But I am
worried about the children.
Speaker 3 (22:29):
Children.
Speaker 1 (22:29):
Yes, that's the tragedy of divorce. Who's gonna take care
of the little one?
Speaker 3 (22:33):
Hmmm? And I think I have trouble as a fisher.
I'm glad I dropped into your office today. I got
a big home, a fucker swimming pool, and I'm gonna
do something that'll make me happy to I'm gonna have
their children come home and live with me until their
parents make up their minds.
Speaker 1 (22:51):
Mister Krause, that's the noblest thing you've every done. Browse Yes,
it's a wonderful thing.
Speaker 8 (22:58):
And from no one.
Speaker 1 (23:00):
Children are your responsibility.
Speaker 3 (23:01):
Good good, And the children are here right here.
Speaker 1 (23:03):
In the next office. Well, Jeanie, I see the little rascals.
Speaker 3 (23:06):
Now you certainly may go right here. Thank you. You
you are the children.
Speaker 1 (23:16):
I couldn't say yeah, I don't stand, and it's right
I gener leave now I'm their.
Speaker 7 (23:20):
Mother, Jay, that are growing growing.
Speaker 3 (23:27):
Come on, Mary, let's go. Ladies and gentlemen, America's veterans
(23:53):
need homes. Millions have been hit by the critical shortage,
but our veterans are, by all odds the worst sufferers.
They feel the shortage more acutely because they interrupted their
lives to go into the arms services. So it is
only fair that the veterans' families should get first chance
at all vacancies. They'll be grateful for your cooperation. Thank you,
(24:29):
ladies and gentlemen. We'll be with you again next Sunday
at the same time when for our future attraction we
will present our version of Mark Hellinger's great universal International
picture The Killers.
Speaker 1 (24:44):
As the third one we've killed, and we're just auditioning.
Speaker 3 (24:48):
And night, Paul, don't forget to go through that. This
is NBC, the National broadcasting company
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