14: Why The Word NO Is The Ultimate Act Of Self Love And Respect

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Do you struggle to say those two little letters – N-O? You're not alone. 

In this deeply personal exploration of boundaries, we dive into why saying "no" feels so difficult—especially for women, mothers, and caregivers—and why it might be the most radical form of self-care you can practice. Drawing from fascinating research by Dr. Vanessa Bonds at Cornell University, we discover that people actually respect our boundaries more than we think they will. The chronic people-pleasing many of us engage in doesn't just drain our energy; it disconnects us from what truly matters.

For those caught in the "sandwich generation," simultaneously caring for aging parents while supporting adult children or grandkids, boundary-setting becomes even more critical. When everyone needs a piece of you, who advocates for your needs? The answer is simple but profound: you must become your own advocate. Through practical scripts, time-buying strategies, and simple mindset shifts (like the powerful reminder that "every no to someone else is a yes to yourself"), this episode offers actionable ways to reclaim your time, energy, and joy.

Setting boundaries isn't selfish—it's necessary for showing up as your best self for those you truly want to serve. Ready to transform your relationship with "no" and create a life that feels intentional rather than reactive? This episode might just change everything. Listen now, and take the first step toward a more vibrant, aligned life where your needs matter too.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, beautiful friend , it's Marni.
I'm so glad you're here and ifthis is your first time here,
welcome to the.
Life is Delicious family, wherewe explore simple recipes for
living a vibrant, healthy andjoyful life.
Today, we're diving into atopic that has the power to
completely shift how you show upin your everyday life, how you
speak to yourself and how youcommunicate your value to the

(00:22):
world.
Today, we're talking aboutboundaries, specifically the
power of saying no, the trap ofI can't and two other little
words that just might changeyour life.
Today we're diving intosomething that many of us have
struggled with, especially aswomen, daughters, mothers,
partners, caregivers andcommunity builders mothers,

(00:44):
partners, caregivers andcommunity builders.
We're talking about the powerof saying no.
It sounds simple, right, justtwo little letters N-O.
But for so many of us, sayingno feels wrong, feels heavy,
maybe even selfish.
In fact, most of the time itdoes feel selfish.

(01:05):
But what if I told you thatsaying no might just be the most
loving, powerful, life-givingword in your vocabulary and that
every time you say no tosomething that drains you,
you're saying yes to somethingthat fuels you, your health,
your joy and your dreams?
Let's explore that together.

(01:26):
Let's explore that together.
Let's start with the hard truth.
Many of us are programmed toplease, to avoid conflict, to
put other people first, andwhile kindness is a beautiful

(01:55):
value, chronic people-pleasingcomes at a very expensive cost.
According to Dr Vanessa Bonds,a social psychologist at Cornell
University, people vastlyunderestimate how uncomfortable
others feel when asking forfavors.
In other words, we often sayyes because we don't want to
make someone else feel bad, whenthey probably expect or respect

(02:20):
a boundary more than we think.
We fear being seen as difficultor unkind.
But in reality, saying yes whenwe mean no often leads to
stress, resentment and burnout.
Often leads to stress,resentment and burnout.

(02:41):
So ask yourself where are yougiving away your time, energy

(03:10):
and power?
Because you're afraid to say no?
Let's be honest Every yes has acost, and when you say yes to
things that don't align withyour values or your well-being,
you're saying no to joy, rest,creativity, self-respect, time
with your loved ones, maybe evenyour health, and over time,

(03:31):
this pattern leads to a lifethat feels disconnected from you
.
You're checking all the boxesfor everybody else, but inside
you're tired, irritable, maybeeven a little bit lost, because
resentment is a very heavyemotion and this can actually be

(03:56):
something that we deal with alot in midlife, especially when
so much of us are, especiallywhen so many of us are in what
we call like the sandwichgeneration.
And if you're not familiar withthe sandwich generation, it's
being in a place where you havegrown children, or maybe even
kids that are getting preparedto leave the empty nest, and you
probably still have yourparents alive, so you've got

(04:16):
their well-being and agingconcerns to deal with, and some
of you even have the addedstress of grandkids, which is
not a stress, but of course itadds another level of people
that you need to care about andwhere you need to put your time.
And it's just a lot sometimesand if we're not careful, our

(04:40):
needs can vanish under a pile ofeveryone else's expectations.
But you're not here to beeveryone's everything.

(05:01):
You're here to live a full,deep, intentional life and to be
of value to the people that youlove.
But you're less likely to bethe best value you can, but
you're less likely to be thebest version of yourself if you
give yourself away too often.
But here's the good news often,but here's the good news, saying

(05:28):
no is a skill and, like anyskill, we can learn it and
strengthen it.
It's like a practice.
So let's break this down into afew ways that we can add this
to our life.
So let's break this down.
I mean, sometimes when we getcaught off guard by a request,

(05:49):
we freeze and we don't have aresponse.
So I think what might be areally good strategy would be to
create some kind of a script, ano script, and maybe you have a
couple of different ones, maybeyou try.
Thanks so much for thinking ofme, but I'm just not able to
take that on right now.
Or I'm honored you asked, butI'm keeping my calendar lighter

(06:14):
these days to prioritize myhealth.
What about that?
Sounds like a great opportunity, but it's just not a fit for me
at the time.
It's just not a fit for meright now.
But thank you for asking andpractice saying it out loud.
You don't owe anyone an essay.
Just short and sweet is kind andto the point, and that way you

(06:37):
put yourself and your prioritiesfirst, and sometimes it's hard
to actually do that withouttaking a little bit of a pause.
So if you just don't have thatscript on hand and someone asks
you to do something that youjust don't feel is aligned with

(06:57):
where you are or what you needat the moment.
Then ask them to give you alittle bit of time.
Let me get back to you on that.
I'll call you tomorrow.
Let me check my schedule, ormaybe you just say I'll sleep on
it and I will get back to youand that just gives you a minute
to actually sit with therequest and see if it is a fit
for you.
And maybe you do want to do it,but maybe you just feel like

(07:20):
you don't have enough time.
So that'll give you theopportunity to check in with
yourself and decide for you ifit's the right thing.
Try putting a sticky note onyour mirror.

(07:40):
This is a really fun exercise.
It's.
This is a really fun littlegame you can play with yourself.
Just go get yourself a stickynote and put on.
Just go get yourself a stickynote and just put on it Every no
to someone else is a yes tomyself and put it on your mirror
in your bathroom and read itand look at it and build it into

(08:03):
your day and start to feelcomfortable, not apologetic for
prioritizing your own well-being.
And start becoming comfortableand not apologetic for
prioritizing your own well-being, because the more you practice,

(08:25):
the more natural it'll feel.