March 17, 2025 • 29 mins
Comments, questions? Let's connect!
Remember that time you shared something deeply personal, hoping for connection, but instead faced awkward silence or judgment? That's the shadow side of authenticity we rarely discuss—when being your genuine self creates distance instead of drawing people closer.
Magnetic authenticity is a powerful force that can transform your relationships and leadership, but like any strength, it has potential pitfalls. Through years of coaching and observing human behaviour in countless organisations, I've identified three critical ingredients that, when missing, cause authenticity to backfire: awareness, intention, and alignment.
Without self-awareness, we remain blind to how our authentic expression impacts others. Are you truly showing up as yourself, or as who you were conditioned to be? Many of us operate from childhood patterns that feel authentic but actually block our true potential. A phrase I hear over and over from my clients is, "No one's ever told me this before"—sometimes that gentle reflection of truth can completely transform someone's leadership journey.
Your intention matters tremendously. When authentic sharing comes from fear, lack, or unresolved pain, it creates a vastly different impact than when it flows from service and purpose. Consider the classic oversharer, the constant meeting dominator or the silent one that prefers to wait and watch —what drives these behaviours at their core? Understanding your true motivations helps ensure your authenticity serves both you and others effectively.
Finally, alignment with your environment determines whether your authentic expression will land well. Not every space welcomes true diversity of thought or behaviour, despite what people might claim. Sometimes tactical authenticity—choosing when to reveal different aspects of yourself—is the wisest approach.
This transformation from raw authenticity to magnetic authenticity isn't about being less genuine; it's about being intentionally authentic in ways that create meaningful connection.
Ready to develop these three ingredients in your own life? Join the waitlist for upcoming masterclasses at https://brilliance-inspired.kit.com/mcwaitlist and learn tools to align your authentic expression with your deepest purpose.
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I am a Confidence and Impact Coach for leaders, Organisational Development Consultant and independent Leadership Circle Profile® Certified Practitioner. Information shared about this tool is courtesy of Leadership Circle®, all rights reserved. www.leadershipcircle.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Jolynne Rydz (00:00):
Have you ever shared something personal, raw
and real, only to be met withawkward silence, judgment or
maybe even backlash?
Maybe you thought being yourmost authentic self would create
connection, but instead it leftyou feeling misunderstood,
(00:22):
vulnerable or evenunprofessional.
Today we're diving into theshadow side of magnetic
authenticity, when it goes toofar and starts working against
you instead of for you.
And what are the threeconditions that are going to
help you bring your magneticauthenticity out in a way where
(00:43):
it lands and it has the impactthat you desire?
You see, magnetic authenticityis all about showing up as being
the real you, being genuine,open and using this as your
superpower.
But, like any strength, therecan be a shadow side to this as
well, if we don't fullyunderstand our authenticity and
(01:06):
the impact it has on others, orthe situation we're in and what
that means for us.
As an example, many years ago,I worked in an organization with
a leader who was a lovelyperson and was quite good to
work with, and one thing theydid do, though, was often
(01:26):
complain incessantly about othermanagers, and I know they were
trying to be real and raw andauthentic and create connection,
but the impact that that had onme and the team around me was.
It really undermines therelationship that we had with
some of these managers and itbrought a real negative tone to
(01:49):
our interactions.
And from reflection I get thesense that this person, although
their intent was good, deepdown they felt that maybe they
just weren't as good as theseother managers and so they had
to almost point out all thenegative parts of these other
people so they could feel betterabout themselves.
(02:11):
Now I don't know that for afact, but I'm pretty good at
reading people and that's beenpretty clear with the work that
I've been doing, so I can hopeyou can see that as an example.
It's what can lie underneaththe behaviors that you see when
people are just showing up aswhat looks like their true self.
Another example again manyyears ago I worked in an
(02:34):
organization where there wasthis one person who was really
known for being horrible to bearound.
Now, whenever someone found outthat this person was going to
be in the room that they weremanaging or facilitating or a
group session they were going tobe in, they actually got really
worried about how am I going tomanage this?
(02:55):
How am I going to manage thenegativity?
What are we going to do?
How is this going to impacteveryone else in the room?
And see?
The thing is what I sawunderneath this behavior of this
person who would often show up,roll their eyes, they would
huff at things that were beingsaid.
They would point out what wouldwork.
They would almost do it quiteaggressively.
(03:16):
And what I could see underneaththese layers and the impact
that they were having on thepeople around them was that they
actually deeply cared aboutwhat was happening and they
wanted the best outcome.
They just didn't realize theway that that passion was being
received.
And underneath all that wasthis worry of what if we go down
(03:39):
this path and we waste all theeffort because it's the wrong
path, let's choose the rightpath first.
Waste all the effort becauseit's the wrong path?
Let's choose the right pathfirst.
And it's something that I oftensee when organizations are
making a change, something'sbeing pivoted and people haven't
yet had the chance to fullycome to terms with that, they
(04:00):
can show up as their authenticself and be all passionate, but
when that behavior and thatmessage is being driven from a
place of fear and worry aboutwhat the outcome will be, then
the impact that that has and theperception people have of that
can sometimes be a reallynegative one.
Another example I had, which iswhere a friend actually applied
for a job and they got a callfrom the recruiter and the
(04:22):
recruiter started chit-chattingand tried to be all casual and
actually said the phrase bloodyfootball, right.
And instantly my friend wasworrying and doubting is this
the right place where I want towork?
What does this say about theorganization?
Actually got really nervousbefore the interview and worried
(04:43):
that maybe it was a bit tooblokey and maybe didn't suit
them and maybe evenunprofessional.
So in this third example again,even though the intent was good
, it's about that awareness ofthe situation and what are some
of the social norms around thatsituation.
Now, if you know me, you knowthat I'm probably not the most
(05:06):
obedient when it comes to socialnorms.
I'm quite happy to walk adifferent path, but there are
times when it is useful to walkthe social norm path, when the
outcome is going to be morealigned with what you're truly
intending to achieve.
So there's always a place for,I guess, sticking within the box
(05:27):
but not feeling trapped in thatbox and being able to step in
and out of that really freely.
So when authenticity goesunchecked or it isn't delivered
with the right intention or withconscious intention even, it is
possible that it can causethings like confusion,
(05:47):
discomfort, maybe even damagethe reputation or the outcome
that you're trying to achieve inany given interaction.
So what I've found is thatmagnetic authenticity backfires
when you are missing threeingredients.
So if I look back over all ofthe examples that I've seen, all
of the people that I've coached, all of the workshops that I've
(06:09):
seen, and the way people arebehaving, the way people are
behaving in the cultures andworkplaces around me and even
out on the street I'm a serialsponge of observing human
behavior, and so what I've foundwhen I look back over that is
three missing ingredients of whymagnetic authenticity can
backfire, which are awareness,intention and alignment.
(06:32):
So when these are missing orthey're underdeveloped, this can
create a situation where, whensomeone is truly authentic and
showing up as themselves, itmight actually be distancing
people from them.
So, instead of being thatmagnetic force, it might
actually be a push-repel force,and that goes beyond the people.
(06:53):
It goes down to the impact andthe outcome that this person is
trying to achieve.
So, so, knowing that when youhave these three ingredients
awareness, intention andalignment and you can use that
to your advantage so you can tapinto that magnetic authenticity
(07:13):
.
It's a really nice way to checkin and see and make sure that
when you are being authentic,you're actually moving towards
the outcome that you're tryingto achieve In 2021,.
A researcher from INSEAD foundthat authentic behavior improved
relationships when the personfelt like they fit the social
(07:34):
norms of the group, but conflictactually increased when that
person, who was behavingauthentically, was misaligned
with the social norms of thegroup.
Authentically was misalignedwith the social norms of the
group.
So what I read into this studythat was done was that it's
actually about understanding sowe can show up as authentic
(07:56):
selves, and sometimes peopleunderstand that and they embrace
that, and sometimes they don'tget it and ultimately, magnetic
authenticity can backfire whenwe don't understand ourself and
we don't understand others.
So understanding ourself is socritical, because until you are
(08:16):
wholly congruent and aware ofwho you are and I shouldn't say
until, because I think it's ajourney right, even though some
people hate that word it is ajourney right.
We are constantly evolving, andI had to pause there and sing
this phrase because it's justcome into my head from a
beautiful artist called Fia andshe has this line saying we are
(08:39):
constantly evolving as a humanrace, and I think it's true for
self as well.
If we are constantly evolving,our authenticity and who we are
evolves as well.
Our identity is not fixed, eventhough our ego likes to grasp
and hold onto that identity sotightly, because who are we if
(09:00):
we are not that?
So once we are clear on who weare right now, at this given
moment, and who we want to be,then we need to understand how
that impacts others and thosearound us.
Again, many years ago I workedin an organization which was
really lovely, like everyone wasreally happy and friendly and
(09:20):
professional and they all didgreat work.
And for a while I was wondering, wow, is this too good to be
true?
Like, how is everyone so happy,great work?
And for a while I was wondering, wow, is this too good to be
true?
Like, how is everyone so happy?
But as time went on, I got thesense that there was a real
subtle but there us and themdynamic.
And this came to light when Idecided to do a talk and it was
(09:46):
a talk to a large group of theorganization and I just decided,
hey, I'm going to be myself andsee what happens.
And all the butterflies in mystomach came out because I
thought, oh, this is going to berisky.
What are they going to think?
They're going to judge me?
They're going to think I'm awacko, because I'm pretty fun
and energetic when I'mpresenting.
I try not to be you know thedeath by PowerPoint style,
(10:11):
because it just doesn't work.
So I decided to just show up,be me and show my strengths also
of seeing patterns, becauseit's something that I do
basically from birth.
My introversion helps me to bethe one that stands back.
Introversion helps me to be theone that stands back, sees all
(10:31):
the patterns, analyzes them andputs them together and go hey,
could it be this?
What do you reckon?
So I did this talk and in mymind it went really well.
There was engagement around theroom and I could see people
nodding and getting involved andwhat happened afterwards was
really interesting.
So I had two really starkresponses from two different
(10:51):
groups.
So one group was really about10% of the organization.
I kid you not, sorry, notorganization.
The group came up to meindividually to say oh my
goodness, thank you, like thatwas the most real anyone has
ever spoken here.
Someone else said thank youLike that.
That was the most real anyonehas ever spoken here.
Someone else said thank you, Ifinally feel seen and heard.
(11:15):
And the next person said youknow, you really made us feel
valued, thank you.
And I thought to myself yes,all right, that is exactly the
impact I wanted to have, becauseI'm all about empowering people
through getting them to feelseen, heard, acknowledged and
(11:36):
valued, because that is the keyto unlocking any sort of
transformation.
If you don't do that, anythingyou force on people is not going
to work.
That's another podcast topic,so I won't diverge into that.
So back to the story.
The second response I got wasone that actually shocked me.
There was a group of peoplethat were actually offended by
(11:58):
what I said, and it took me awhile to one realize this,
because they were very nice inthe way that they shared it to
me, and two, it was just so faroutside of what my intent was
that I was actually so shockedthat I'd done this because I
would never want to offendanyone, and what I realized was
(12:19):
that, even though I was awarethat what I planned to do was
risky, even though my intent wasgood, even though a large
proportion, so 10% is that onlythe people that came and spoke
to me.
I can guarantee you there'd bemore than that that didn't speak
up.
That would have resonated withwhat I said because I saw it on
their faces around the room.
So, even though all of thathappened, my version of what I
(12:45):
was presenting didn't match thisgroup's version of what they
wanted me to present.
For example, instead of saying,yes, we want the culture to
become even stronger and we'lldo what that takes, what I saw
in reality was this rhetoric of,yes, let's build a great
(13:05):
culture as long as we stillmaintain control and everything
stays positive and happy.
And the thing is, with any sortof cultural shift and
transformation, there is goingto be discomfort, and if we step
away from this discomfort, thenwe lose that opportunity to
realize that transformation.
We pull out too early, realizethat transformation, we pull out
(13:33):
too early.
So what ended up happening wasit became really clear to me
that there was a misalignment.
So I can be all shiny and happyand positive, and there are
times when I do thatintentionally, but there are
also times when that is actuallyreally unhelpful and it's
actually not where my biggestimpact is so clients that have
worked with me before know thatone of my gifts and this is the
(13:53):
feedback I get from them is thatI gently reflect back to them
what it is that they need to see.
I give them a gentle reflectionof the truth.
I tell them and I show themwhat other people are too scared
to tell them, because theydon't want to hurt their
feelings, they don't want to bepolite and I have their
permission to do this becausethey've hired me as a coach and
(14:14):
often the feedback I get is noone's ever told me this and for
some people it can literallychange the trajectory of their
career and their leadership,sometimes even their life,
because no one's ever stopped totell them.
So for some people that gentleshow of truth can be really
(14:35):
shocking and they don't want toknow and they're not ready for
it.
And if I'm in a one-on-oneenvironment, I can tell when
someone's not ready and we don'tgo there.
But for the ones that are, theyare so grateful and I literally
let them know hey, can I giveyou a gentle slap right now, a
loving slap, and they say, okay,cool, go on, hit me with it,
because they know that what'sabout to come out of my mouth
(14:57):
may seem brutal, but it'sdelivered with love and it's
delivered in a way that getsthem to see oh my goodness, this
is the thing that's beenholding me back from what I've
been wanting to achieve for solong, like, how have I not seen
this?
Like the penny drops.
So I hope you can see that whenyou are your authentic self, yes
(15:19):
, there can be risks and yes,there can be massive ripple
effects of good, and, yes, therecan be things that don't go to
plan as well.
So what is really important,and the things I want to share
with you in this episode, isthat magnetic authenticity
backfires when you're missingthree ingredients, and those
ingredients are awareness,intention and alignment.
(15:43):
It doesn't make you a badperson.
There's just opportunity in toreally understand your authentic
self and how that shows up andinterplays with the rest of the
world.
So let's unpack these threecomponents.
So the first one beingawareness.
(16:05):
So this is about really knowingthe impact that you have on
others.
So, like me, I can show up andhave the best of intention, but
if I don't realize and peopledon't give me that feedback that
, hey, you actually offended me,if no one ever told me that, or
if I couldn't actually see thatfor myself, I would continue to
do those things and not learnfrom that experience.
So knowing the impact you havecan be confronting, but it's
(16:30):
also incredibly powerful anduseful and needed if you're a
leader.
Because if you're a leader, youbasically amplify impact in an
organization.
So if you're doing somethingthat's detrimental and you don't
know and people won't tell you,that can be incredibly damaging
to your reputation, the way youare able to get your work done,
(16:52):
the results that you're able toachieve, even up to the extent
of the organization.
So unlocking thisself-awareness is so, so
critical.
It's about how do othersperceive you, how do you make
them feel?
And another component to thisis is this actually the real you
(17:15):
?
Honestly, is this the real youwhen you show up and behave and
do and say these things?
Is it actually you or is it whoyou were taught to be?
For an example, I was raised ina very loving Asian family and,
yes, often the stereotype istrue that Asian families put a
(17:37):
lot of pressure out of love ontheir children to perform to a
really high standard, becausethere's this cultural belief
that when you do your best, youwill be successful and you will
be looked after and you will beprosperous and you will be
healthy and you will be well.
So there's a lot of pressure tobe the high performer, and that
was me.
I was the high performer, Imade no mistakes and I was
(17:59):
always prepared, but there camea point in my life where I
realized that there was so muchI wasn't trying and tapping into
.
Because of that, because I wastaught to be this way and it
wasn't my natural way of being.
I won't go into depth now, butI'm trained as a human design
coach and my human designactually says that I'm meant to
(18:21):
be someone who experiments andfails through learning, and that
is one of my most effectiveways of learning and adding
value to the world isexperimenting, failing and
learning and then sharing thoselearnings.
So for many years I was nottapping into that.
I was learning through, youknow, knowledge, texts, books,
(18:42):
trying to do what the rules say,and it got me to a certain
point.
But the energy cost of that wasincredible.
And so more recently in my life,some of my biggest failings
have made me realize thatfailure is actually fun, because
so much shifts in the world,the things that you thought were
(19:03):
going to hold you back cansuddenly be released because you
realize that, oh, that was allin my head and it didn't play
out in reality.
One of my biggest learnings isgoing from failure to flow.
So this self-awareness aboutwho you are, who you truly are,
and are you showing up assomeone who you are conditioned
(19:23):
to be or someone who you trulyare?
And the difference is how youtell is one is showing up from a
place of fear and lack, liketrying to be good enough, trying
to be perfect, trying to pleaseeveryone, trying to belong,
trying to fit in, and the otherone is showing up from a place
of service, of purpose, ofpassion.
It's a really different energy.
(19:45):
So the second ingredient thatyou need to really unlock your
magnetic authenticity, so itdoesn't backfire, is intention.
I don't know if you've evernoticed you're in a group
setting, maybe you're in aworkshop or a social setting,
and often there's one or twopeople, maybe even a group,
(20:05):
depending who they are.
Of really overactive talkersI'll say they talk a lot and
they tend to dominate theconversation.
So some of the reasons for thiscan be quite innocent, like
they might be nervous, theymight need to be seen as the
expert.
They might be trying to reallyhelp people, even if others
(20:25):
don't want that help, and theymight be wanting to be seen as
active and social.
So it's about noticing ifyou're someone that does talk,
or maybe if you're someone thathangs back from a conversation
like what's your intention, areyou doing that out of fear, like
I said before, from a place oflack?
I need to be good enough.
I don't know enough, I can'tsay anything, or I need to talk
(20:46):
a lot to show my knowledge andmake sure people know that I am
skilled in this area.
When that fear and lack comesthrough, you've got to ask
yourself what's my trueintention here, and is this one
that's going to serve me andothers?
So another example is you knowthe oversharer, so the people
(21:08):
that get caught in complainingabout their situation and being
the victim well beyond the timewhen they were actually being a
victim outside of their control.
So they're now keepingthemselves in this state because
they keep telling and retellingthe story, because there's
unresolved pain, oftenunresolved trauma.
So am I sharing what I have tosay because I want sympathy and
(21:29):
I want someone to tell me I'llbe okay.
I want someone to tell me thatwhat happened to you you didn't
deserve.
Or am I maybe telling othersbecause I want to help and I
want to help someone avoid thepain that I've experienced.
What's your intention?
And so for me, like sometimes Ilaugh, right, I'm a very joyful
(21:52):
person by nature and so whenI'm presenting or when I'm
working with people, I oftenlaugh.
Now, when that gets overused iswhen I'm laughing through
nervousness, because I'm a bitunsure about maybe who I'm
around or what I'm going to say,and I start getting in my head
and my ego is trying to protectmyself.
I might laugh.
So, again, it's about what's myintention here.
(22:14):
Who's driving it?
Is it the fear and the ego, oris it me?
Because I'm coming from a placeof passion and service.
So the third ingredient to makesure that magnetic authenticity
doesn't backfire is alignment.
So the question to ask yourselfis, in any given situation, is
the environment actually safe?
(22:35):
Because I have been in asituation where I didn't read
the room, I actually thought itwas safe, and because people
were telling me things that mademe believe that I was in a safe
space, but their behaviorafterwards showed me that I was
not.
So sometimes it can be reallyhard to tell, and I'm kind of
(22:56):
disappointed a little bit inmyself that I couldn't pick that
, but I think I really wanted totrust and have faith in what
these people were saying, butthat's okay.
That's a mistake that we canall learn from.
So the first question is is theenvironment actually safe?
Do the people in this roomtruly value and respect
(23:16):
diversity, or are they going tobe people that are openly or
maybe sometimespassive-aggressively,
ostracizing people that don'tfit the mold?
So these are some subtle signsthat you can sometimes your
brain wants to ignore becauseyou want to hope for the best,
but what are their values anddoes it feel right to you?
(23:37):
Because you can choose to beauthentic or you can choose not
to be authentic.
The power is still the choiceright, so you can still show up
as you, but choose to put on amask or some safety armor
because you feel you need it,and that's okay.
What can happen, though, is ifwe put those masks and that
(24:01):
armor on as default.
That can prevent the connection.
So it's really knowing andassessing that environment to
make sure am I aligned and safein this place, or do I need a
little bit of armor today, andthat's okay, and sometimes to
get to the place of safety, it'ssimply a matter of time.
So you can read those signalsand cues.
So I trust that that was useful.
(24:22):
That is magnetic authenticity,and when it backfires so when
you're missing those threeingredients of awareness,
intention and alignment it canbackfire.
So I hope now you can see whatyou can do to assess for
yourself how do I show up as me?
Am I even showing up as me, andwhat's the impact that I want
(24:43):
to have?
What is the intention I have,and is this an alignment?
Now, to do all that, you do needto have some level of
self-awareness, andself-awareness, I think, is
something we can never trulyachieve, because the moment we
think we know how we show up,we're ignoring the fact that
every single person has adifferent lens through which
(25:06):
they see us.
Every single person hasdifferent beliefs, mindsets,
experiences that color theirview of how they see you, so you
can never be fully self-aware.
So one of the tools that I useto help my clients unpack this
is the Leadership Circle Profile.
It's a 360 degree view of youand how you show up as a leader.
(25:29):
So, whether that's to yourmanager, your boss's boss,
whether it's to your peers,whether it's to your direct
reports, whether it's to keystakeholders and clients.
We can take a deep and safedive into how you're actually
showing up and map that againstan incredibly evidence-based
tool that has almost directcorrelation to business
(25:51):
performance and leadershipeffectiveness.
It's astounding what this toolcan show you so you know exactly
where your strengths are thatyou can lean more into, and
where you're maybe overusingsome of your shadow strengths
and they're working against you.
So they work in the short term,but in the long term, they're
working against you.
Another thing I'm excited toshare is I'm actually starting
(26:12):
to create some tools aroundalignment based on human design
and understanding your purpose.
Like, what are you actuallyhere to do?
You know that deep yearningthat you've got inside that I
could be doing something more, Icould be having a bigger
difference.
Sometimes it can take years tounpack that, so I am creating
something that can shortcut thatprocess for you and also really
(26:36):
get in tune with your energeticneeds and how you manage your
energy, because energy issomething that comes up a lot.
I often encounter clients whoare tired or burnt out and all
sorts of things.
So, knowing how to manage yourenergy and I'm talking beyond
sleep, eating and food andexercise.
(26:56):
I'm talking about other effectson your energy.
So emotional energy, mentalenergy, effects on your energy.
So emotional energy, mentalenergy, the people around you
and how they impact your energy,and that alignment and how it
impacts your energy.
I'm again unpacking this andalmost decoding it for you so
you can walk away with a reallyclear understanding of what it's
(27:19):
like to know exactly where youneed to re-energize and what you
need to do and, ultimately, allof these things help you deeply
understand yourself.
So you can search foropportunities that align and you
can create opportunities whereyou can be in alignment and make
that impact that you were bornto make.
So if any of that is sparkingyour curiosity, you can always
(27:41):
DM me on LinkedIn or Instagram,or you can pop your name on the
waitlist even better, becausethen I will jump into your inbox
and let you know when thesemasterclasses or products or
programs whatever it ends upbeing becomes available.
So you canhttps://brilliance-inspired.
kit.
com/mcwaitlist .
(28:06):
So always remember you wereborn for a reason it's time to
thrive.
Have you ever shared something personal, raw
and real, only to be met withawkward silence, judgment or
maybe even backlash?
Maybe you thought being yourmost authentic self would create
connection, but instead it leftyou feeling misunderstood,
(00:22):
vulnerable or evenunprofessional.
Today we're diving into theshadow side of magnetic
authenticity, when it goes toofar and starts working against
you instead of for you.
And what are the threeconditions that are going to
help you bring your magneticauthenticity out in a way where
(00:43):
it lands and it has the impactthat you desire?
You see, magnetic authenticityis all about showing up as being
the real you, being genuine,open and using this as your
superpower.
But, like any strength, therecan be a shadow side to this as
well, if we don't fullyunderstand our authenticity and
(01:06):
the impact it has on others, orthe situation we're in and what
that means for us.
As an example, many years ago,I worked in an organization with
a leader who was a lovelyperson and was quite good to
work with, and one thing theydid do, though, was often
(01:26):
complain incessantly about othermanagers, and I know they were
trying to be real and raw andauthentic and create connection,
but the impact that that had onme and the team around me was.
It really undermines therelationship that we had with
some of these managers and itbrought a real negative tone to
(01:49):
our interactions.
And from reflection I get thesense that this person, although
their intent was good, deepdown they felt that maybe they
just weren't as good as theseother managers and so they had
to almost point out all thenegative parts of these other
people so they could feel betterabout themselves.
(02:11):
Now I don't know that for afact, but I'm pretty good at
reading people and that's beenpretty clear with the work that
I've been doing, so I can hopeyou can see that as an example.
It's what can lie underneaththe behaviors that you see when
people are just showing up aswhat looks like their true self.
Another example again manyyears ago I worked in an
(02:34):
organization where there wasthis one person who was really
known for being horrible to bearound.
Now, whenever someone found outthat this person was going to
be in the room that they weremanaging or facilitating or a
group session they were going tobe in, they actually got really
worried about how am I going tomanage this?
(02:55):
How am I going to manage thenegativity?
What are we going to do?
How is this going to impacteveryone else in the room?
And see?
The thing is what I sawunderneath this behavior of this
person who would often show up,roll their eyes, they would
huff at things that were beingsaid.
They would point out what wouldwork.
They would almost do it quiteaggressively.
(03:16):
And what I could see underneaththese layers and the impact
that they were having on thepeople around them was that they
actually deeply cared aboutwhat was happening and they
wanted the best outcome.
They just didn't realize theway that that passion was being
received.
And underneath all that wasthis worry of what if we go down
(03:39):
this path and we waste all theeffort because it's the wrong
path, let's choose the rightpath first.
Waste all the effort becauseit's the wrong path?
Let's choose the right pathfirst.
And it's something that I oftensee when organizations are
making a change, something'sbeing pivoted and people haven't
yet had the chance to fullycome to terms with that, they
(04:00):
can show up as their authenticself and be all passionate, but
when that behavior and thatmessage is being driven from a
place of fear and worry aboutwhat the outcome will be, then
the impact that that has and theperception people have of that
can sometimes be a reallynegative one.
Another example I had, which iswhere a friend actually applied
for a job and they got a callfrom the recruiter and the
(04:22):
recruiter started chit-chattingand tried to be all casual and
actually said the phrase bloodyfootball, right.
And instantly my friend wasworrying and doubting is this
the right place where I want towork?
What does this say about theorganization?
Actually got really nervousbefore the interview and worried
(04:43):
that maybe it was a bit tooblokey and maybe didn't suit
them and maybe evenunprofessional.
So in this third example again,even though the intent was good
, it's about that awareness ofthe situation and what are some
of the social norms around thatsituation.
Now, if you know me, you knowthat I'm probably not the most
(05:06):
obedient when it comes to socialnorms.
I'm quite happy to walk adifferent path, but there are
times when it is useful to walkthe social norm path, when the
outcome is going to be morealigned with what you're truly
intending to achieve.
So there's always a place for,I guess, sticking within the box
(05:27):
but not feeling trapped in thatbox and being able to step in
and out of that really freely.
So when authenticity goesunchecked or it isn't delivered
with the right intention or withconscious intention even, it is
possible that it can causethings like confusion,
(05:47):
discomfort, maybe even damagethe reputation or the outcome
that you're trying to achieve inany given interaction.
So what I've found is thatmagnetic authenticity backfires
when you are missing threeingredients.
So if I look back over all ofthe examples that I've seen, all
of the people that I've coached, all of the workshops that I've
(06:09):
seen, and the way people arebehaving, the way people are
behaving in the cultures andworkplaces around me and even
out on the street I'm a serialsponge of observing human
behavior, and so what I've foundwhen I look back over that is
three missing ingredients of whymagnetic authenticity can
backfire, which are awareness,intention and alignment.
(06:32):
So when these are missing orthey're underdeveloped, this can
create a situation where, whensomeone is truly authentic and
showing up as themselves, itmight actually be distancing
people from them.
So, instead of being thatmagnetic force, it might
actually be a push-repel force,and that goes beyond the people.
(06:53):
It goes down to the impact andthe outcome that this person is
trying to achieve.
So, so, knowing that when youhave these three ingredients
awareness, intention andalignment and you can use that
to your advantage so you can tapinto that magnetic authenticity
(07:13):
.
It's a really nice way to checkin and see and make sure that
when you are being authentic,you're actually moving towards
the outcome that you're tryingto achieve In 2021,.
A researcher from INSEAD foundthat authentic behavior improved
relationships when the personfelt like they fit the social
(07:34):
norms of the group, but conflictactually increased when that
person, who was behavingauthentically, was misaligned
with the social norms of thegroup.
Authentically was misalignedwith the social norms of the
group.
So what I read into this studythat was done was that it's
actually about understanding sowe can show up as authentic
(07:56):
selves, and sometimes peopleunderstand that and they embrace
that, and sometimes they don'tget it and ultimately, magnetic
authenticity can backfire whenwe don't understand ourself and
we don't understand others.
So understanding ourself is socritical, because until you are
(08:16):
wholly congruent and aware ofwho you are and I shouldn't say
until, because I think it's ajourney right, even though some
people hate that word it is ajourney right.
We are constantly evolving, andI had to pause there and sing
this phrase because it's justcome into my head from a
beautiful artist called Fia andshe has this line saying we are
(08:39):
constantly evolving as a humanrace, and I think it's true for
self as well.
If we are constantly evolving,our authenticity and who we are
evolves as well.
Our identity is not fixed, eventhough our ego likes to grasp
and hold onto that identity sotightly, because who are we if
(09:00):
we are not that?
So once we are clear on who weare right now, at this given
moment, and who we want to be,then we need to understand how
that impacts others and thosearound us.
Again, many years ago I workedin an organization which was
really lovely, like everyone wasreally happy and friendly and
(09:20):
professional and they all didgreat work.
And for a while I was wondering, wow, is this too good to be
true?
Like, how is everyone so happy,great work?
And for a while I was wondering, wow, is this too good to be
true?
Like, how is everyone so happy?
But as time went on, I got thesense that there was a real
subtle but there us and themdynamic.
And this came to light when Idecided to do a talk and it was
(09:46):
a talk to a large group of theorganization and I just decided,
hey, I'm going to be myself andsee what happens.
And all the butterflies in mystomach came out because I
thought, oh, this is going to berisky.
What are they going to think?
They're going to judge me?
They're going to think I'm awacko, because I'm pretty fun
and energetic when I'mpresenting.
I try not to be you know thedeath by PowerPoint style,
(10:11):
because it just doesn't work.
So I decided to just show up,be me and show my strengths also
of seeing patterns, becauseit's something that I do
basically from birth.
My introversion helps me to bethe one that stands back.
Introversion helps me to be theone that stands back, sees all
(10:31):
the patterns, analyzes them andputs them together and go hey,
could it be this?
What do you reckon?
So I did this talk and in mymind it went really well.
There was engagement around theroom and I could see people
nodding and getting involved andwhat happened afterwards was
really interesting.
So I had two really starkresponses from two different
(10:51):
groups.
So one group was really about10% of the organization.
I kid you not, sorry, notorganization.
The group came up to meindividually to say oh my
goodness, thank you, like thatwas the most real anyone has
ever spoken here.
Someone else said thank youLike that.
That was the most real anyonehas ever spoken here.
Someone else said thank you, Ifinally feel seen and heard.
(11:15):
And the next person said youknow, you really made us feel
valued, thank you.
And I thought to myself yes,all right, that is exactly the
impact I wanted to have, becauseI'm all about empowering people
through getting them to feelseen, heard, acknowledged and
(11:36):
valued, because that is the keyto unlocking any sort of
transformation.
If you don't do that, anythingyou force on people is not going
to work.
That's another podcast topic,so I won't diverge into that.
So back to the story.
The second response I got wasone that actually shocked me.
There was a group of peoplethat were actually offended by
(11:58):
what I said, and it took me awhile to one realize this,
because they were very nice inthe way that they shared it to
me, and two, it was just so faroutside of what my intent was
that I was actually so shockedthat I'd done this because I
would never want to offendanyone, and what I realized was
(12:19):
that, even though I was awarethat what I planned to do was
risky, even though my intent wasgood, even though a large
proportion, so 10% is that onlythe people that came and spoke
to me.
I can guarantee you there'd bemore than that that didn't speak
up.
That would have resonated withwhat I said because I saw it on
their faces around the room.
So, even though all of thathappened, my version of what I
(12:45):
was presenting didn't match thisgroup's version of what they
wanted me to present.
For example, instead of saying,yes, we want the culture to
become even stronger and we'lldo what that takes, what I saw
in reality was this rhetoric of,yes, let's build a great
(13:05):
culture as long as we stillmaintain control and everything
stays positive and happy.
And the thing is, with any sortof cultural shift and
transformation, there is goingto be discomfort, and if we step
away from this discomfort, thenwe lose that opportunity to
realize that transformation.
We pull out too early, realizethat transformation, we pull out
(13:33):
too early.
So what ended up happening wasit became really clear to me
that there was a misalignment.
So I can be all shiny and happyand positive, and there are
times when I do thatintentionally, but there are
also times when that is actuallyreally unhelpful and it's
actually not where my biggestimpact is so clients that have
worked with me before know thatone of my gifts and this is the
(13:53):
feedback I get from them is thatI gently reflect back to them
what it is that they need to see.
I give them a gentle reflectionof the truth.
I tell them and I show themwhat other people are too scared
to tell them, because theydon't want to hurt their
feelings, they don't want to bepolite and I have their
permission to do this becausethey've hired me as a coach and
(14:14):
often the feedback I get is noone's ever told me this and for
some people it can literallychange the trajectory of their
career and their leadership,sometimes even their life,
because no one's ever stopped totell them.
So for some people that gentleshow of truth can be really
(14:35):
shocking and they don't want toknow and they're not ready for
it.
And if I'm in a one-on-oneenvironment, I can tell when
someone's not ready and we don'tgo there.
But for the ones that are, theyare so grateful and I literally
let them know hey, can I giveyou a gentle slap right now, a
loving slap, and they say, okay,cool, go on, hit me with it,
because they know that what'sabout to come out of my mouth
(14:57):
may seem brutal, but it'sdelivered with love and it's
delivered in a way that getsthem to see oh my goodness, this
is the thing that's beenholding me back from what I've
been wanting to achieve for solong, like, how have I not seen
this?
Like the penny drops.
So I hope you can see that whenyou are your authentic self, yes
(15:19):
, there can be risks and yes,there can be massive ripple
effects of good, and, yes, therecan be things that don't go to
plan as well.
So what is really important,and the things I want to share
with you in this episode, isthat magnetic authenticity
backfires when you're missingthree ingredients, and those
ingredients are awareness,intention and alignment.
(15:43):
It doesn't make you a badperson.
There's just opportunity in toreally understand your authentic
self and how that shows up andinterplays with the rest of the
world.
So let's unpack these threecomponents.
So the first one beingawareness.
(16:05):
So this is about really knowingthe impact that you have on
others.
So, like me, I can show up andhave the best of intention, but
if I don't realize and peopledon't give me that feedback that
, hey, you actually offended me,if no one ever told me that, or
if I couldn't actually see thatfor myself, I would continue to
do those things and not learnfrom that experience.
So knowing the impact you havecan be confronting, but it's
(16:30):
also incredibly powerful anduseful and needed if you're a
leader.
Because if you're a leader, youbasically amplify impact in an
organization.
So if you're doing somethingthat's detrimental and you don't
know and people won't tell you,that can be incredibly damaging
to your reputation, the way youare able to get your work done,
(16:52):
the results that you're able toachieve, even up to the extent
of the organization.
So unlocking thisself-awareness is so, so
critical.
It's about how do othersperceive you, how do you make
them feel?
And another component to thisis is this actually the real you
(17:15):
?
Honestly, is this the real youwhen you show up and behave and
do and say these things?
Is it actually you or is it whoyou were taught to be?
For an example, I was raised ina very loving Asian family and,
yes, often the stereotype istrue that Asian families put a
(17:37):
lot of pressure out of love ontheir children to perform to a
really high standard, becausethere's this cultural belief
that when you do your best, youwill be successful and you will
be looked after and you will beprosperous and you will be
healthy and you will be well.
So there's a lot of pressure tobe the high performer, and that
was me.
I was the high performer, Imade no mistakes and I was
(17:59):
always prepared, but there camea point in my life where I
realized that there was so muchI wasn't trying and tapping into
.
Because of that, because I wastaught to be this way and it
wasn't my natural way of being.
I won't go into depth now, butI'm trained as a human design
coach and my human designactually says that I'm meant to
(18:21):
be someone who experiments andfails through learning, and that
is one of my most effectiveways of learning and adding
value to the world isexperimenting, failing and
learning and then sharing thoselearnings.
So for many years I was nottapping into that.
I was learning through, youknow, knowledge, texts, books,
(18:42):
trying to do what the rules say,and it got me to a certain
point.
But the energy cost of that wasincredible.
And so more recently in my life,some of my biggest failings
have made me realize thatfailure is actually fun, because
so much shifts in the world,the things that you thought were
(19:03):
going to hold you back cansuddenly be released because you
realize that, oh, that was allin my head and it didn't play
out in reality.
One of my biggest learnings isgoing from failure to flow.
So this self-awareness aboutwho you are, who you truly are,
and are you showing up assomeone who you are conditioned
(19:23):
to be or someone who you trulyare?
And the difference is how youtell is one is showing up from a
place of fear and lack, liketrying to be good enough, trying
to be perfect, trying to pleaseeveryone, trying to belong,
trying to fit in, and the otherone is showing up from a place
of service, of purpose, ofpassion.
It's a really different energy.
(19:45):
So the second ingredient thatyou need to really unlock your
magnetic authenticity, so itdoesn't backfire, is intention.
I don't know if you've evernoticed you're in a group
setting, maybe you're in aworkshop or a social setting,
and often there's one or twopeople, maybe even a group,
(20:05):
depending who they are.
Of really overactive talkersI'll say they talk a lot and
they tend to dominate theconversation.
So some of the reasons for thiscan be quite innocent, like
they might be nervous, theymight need to be seen as the
expert.
They might be trying to reallyhelp people, even if others
(20:25):
don't want that help, and theymight be wanting to be seen as
active and social.
So it's about noticing ifyou're someone that does talk,
or maybe if you're someone thathangs back from a conversation
like what's your intention, areyou doing that out of fear, like
I said before, from a place oflack?
I need to be good enough.
I don't know enough, I can'tsay anything, or I need to talk
(20:46):
a lot to show my knowledge andmake sure people know that I am
skilled in this area.
When that fear and lack comesthrough, you've got to ask
yourself what's my trueintention here, and is this one
that's going to serve me andothers?
So another example is you knowthe oversharer, so the people
(21:08):
that get caught in complainingabout their situation and being
the victim well beyond the timewhen they were actually being a
victim outside of their control.
So they're now keepingthemselves in this state because
they keep telling and retellingthe story, because there's
unresolved pain, oftenunresolved trauma.
So am I sharing what I have tosay because I want sympathy and
(21:29):
I want someone to tell me I'llbe okay.
I want someone to tell me thatwhat happened to you you didn't
deserve.
Or am I maybe telling othersbecause I want to help and I
want to help someone avoid thepain that I've experienced.
What's your intention?
And so for me, like sometimes Ilaugh, right, I'm a very joyful
(21:52):
person by nature and so whenI'm presenting or when I'm
working with people, I oftenlaugh.
Now, when that gets overused iswhen I'm laughing through
nervousness, because I'm a bitunsure about maybe who I'm
around or what I'm going to say,and I start getting in my head
and my ego is trying to protectmyself.
I might laugh.
So, again, it's about what's myintention here.
(22:14):
Who's driving it?
Is it the fear and the ego, oris it me?
Because I'm coming from a placeof passion and service.
So the third ingredient to makesure that magnetic authenticity
doesn't backfire is alignment.
So the question to ask yourselfis, in any given situation, is
the environment actually safe?
(22:35):
Because I have been in asituation where I didn't read
the room, I actually thought itwas safe, and because people
were telling me things that mademe believe that I was in a safe
space, but their behaviorafterwards showed me that I was
not.
So sometimes it can be reallyhard to tell, and I'm kind of
(22:56):
disappointed a little bit inmyself that I couldn't pick that
, but I think I really wanted totrust and have faith in what
these people were saying, butthat's okay.
That's a mistake that we canall learn from.
So the first question is is theenvironment actually safe?
Do the people in this roomtruly value and respect
(23:16):
diversity, or are they going tobe people that are openly or
maybe sometimespassive-aggressively,
ostracizing people that don'tfit the mold?
So these are some subtle signsthat you can sometimes your
brain wants to ignore becauseyou want to hope for the best,
but what are their values anddoes it feel right to you?
(23:37):
Because you can choose to beauthentic or you can choose not
to be authentic.
The power is still the choiceright, so you can still show up
as you, but choose to put on amask or some safety armor
because you feel you need it,and that's okay.
What can happen, though, is ifwe put those masks and that
(24:01):
armor on as default.
That can prevent the connection.
So it's really knowing andassessing that environment to
make sure am I aligned and safein this place, or do I need a
little bit of armor today, andthat's okay, and sometimes to
get to the place of safety, it'ssimply a matter of time.
So you can read those signalsand cues.
So I trust that that was useful.
(24:22):
That is magnetic authenticity,and when it backfires so when
you're missing those threeingredients of awareness,
intention and alignment it canbackfire.
So I hope now you can see whatyou can do to assess for
yourself how do I show up as me?
Am I even showing up as me, andwhat's the impact that I want
(24:43):
to have?
What is the intention I have,and is this an alignment?
Now, to do all that, you do needto have some level of
self-awareness, andself-awareness, I think, is
something we can never trulyachieve, because the moment we
think we know how we show up,we're ignoring the fact that
every single person has adifferent lens through which
(25:06):
they see us.
Every single person hasdifferent beliefs, mindsets,
experiences that color theirview of how they see you, so you
can never be fully self-aware.
So one of the tools that I useto help my clients unpack this
is the Leadership Circle Profile.
It's a 360 degree view of youand how you show up as a leader.
(25:29):
So, whether that's to yourmanager, your boss's boss,
whether it's to your peers,whether it's to your direct
reports, whether it's to keystakeholders and clients.
We can take a deep and safedive into how you're actually
showing up and map that againstan incredibly evidence-based
tool that has almost directcorrelation to business
(25:51):
performance and leadershipeffectiveness.
It's astounding what this toolcan show you so you know exactly
where your strengths are thatyou can lean more into, and
where you're maybe overusingsome of your shadow strengths
and they're working against you.
So they work in the short term,but in the long term, they're
working against you.
Another thing I'm excited toshare is I'm actually starting
(26:12):
to create some tools aroundalignment based on human design
and understanding your purpose.
Like, what are you actuallyhere to do?
You know that deep yearningthat you've got inside that I
could be doing something more, Icould be having a bigger
difference.
Sometimes it can take years tounpack that, so I am creating
something that can shortcut thatprocess for you and also really
(26:36):
get in tune with your energeticneeds and how you manage your
energy, because energy issomething that comes up a lot.
I often encounter clients whoare tired or burnt out and all
sorts of things.
So, knowing how to manage yourenergy and I'm talking beyond
sleep, eating and food andexercise.
(26:56):
I'm talking about other effectson your energy.
So emotional energy, mentalenergy, effects on your energy.
So emotional energy, mentalenergy, the people around you
and how they impact your energy,and that alignment and how it
impacts your energy.
I'm again unpacking this andalmost decoding it for you so
you can walk away with a reallyclear understanding of what it's
(27:19):
like to know exactly where youneed to re-energize and what you
need to do and, ultimately, allof these things help you deeply
understand yourself.
So you can search foropportunities that align and you
can create opportunities whereyou can be in alignment and make
that impact that you were bornto make.
So if any of that is sparkingyour curiosity, you can always
(27:41):
DM me on LinkedIn or Instagram,or you can pop your name on the
waitlist even better, becausethen I will jump into your inbox
and let you know when thesemasterclasses or products or
programs whatever it ends upbeing becomes available.
So you canhttps://brilliance-inspired.
kit.
com/mcwaitlist .
(28:06):
So always remember you wereborn for a reason it's time to
thrive.
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