20: The Number One Most Under-rated Leadership Skill

Episode Transcript
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Jolynne Rydz (00:36):
Have you ever looked back on your day at work
and thought hang on, wait, whatdid I even do?
All day, you went to themeetings, you answered the
emails, you showed up for yourteam, but there was something
missing, and that something wasprobably you.
In today's episode, we'retalking about one of the most

(00:56):
underrated skills in leadershipand in life.
One of the most underratedskills in leadership and in life
, and it's going to sound reallysimple, but it's the shift that
changes everything.
So the problem is that most ofus are running on default more
than we realize.
Have a think about it.
Have you ever reacted insteadof responding?

(01:17):
So, as an example, I didn'trealize until a few years ago
that I often roll my eyes atthings.
So if someone says somethingthat I think is ridiculous, or
maybe I'm bored with whatthey're saying, or I've heard it
10,000 times I roll my eyes andI didn't even realize that I
was doing this, and, of course,that to the other person, that's

(01:38):
likely going to come across asreally condescending and rude.
So I'm glad that someone verydear to me brought it to my
attention, and it's beensomething that I've been working
a lot on.
So if I still do it.
Please let me know.
Have you ever felt that you'vebeen playing it safe instead of
making conscious decisions?
This is something I see a lotin leaders, especially where

(02:03):
they're over-consulting andreally want to be inclusive in
how they lead.
But sometimes you've got towonder if it's coming from a
place of I really want toinclude everyone, or I'm
actually nervous and don't evenrealize that.
I don't feel confident to backmy decision.
So I need to consult and geteveryone's opinion and hopefully
reach a consensus, because thenit takes the pressure off me.

(02:24):
So sometimes we're so busydoing that we don't even pause
to think why.
Why are we doing this?
So the problem is that we're onautopilot, and so what I found
is that one of the mostunderrated leadership skills and
shifts that you can make ismoving from autopilot to

(02:46):
awareness.
In 2010, researchers fromHarvard found that 47% of
people's waking hours were spentthinking about the past or the
future.
Have you ever done that?
You're walking around, going.
Oh, I wish I didn't say that inthat meeting.
Oh, that could have gone somuch better.
Well, I really need to getready for that project meeting

(03:10):
that's coming up.
So we spend all of this time inthe past, overanalyzing, or in
the future, trying to work outand remember all the things that
we need to do, that we misswhat's happening in the present.
So what that means is, whilstwe're lost in our own thoughts,
we're operating on autopilot.
And when we operate onautopilot, it means that the

(03:33):
behaviors and beliefs and theconditioning that we've received
drives our behavior.
And that can become a problemwhen we don't even realize what
we're doing and we don't realizethe impact we're having, and it
takes away from the power thatwe all have when we act with
intention.
So when leaders are onautopilot, the ripple effects

(03:58):
can be really significant.
Have a think about it have youever felt unseen by your leader
Because maybe they are in theirown head and not able to be
present?
Some of the greatest leadersI've come across have this
really beautiful ability to nomatter what's going on.
If someone's sitting in frontof them, they pause and they are

(04:18):
100% present.
It's so rare that when you feelit, you're like, oh wow, this
is different and it's so simpleyet so powerful.
And if you're leading onautopilot, another thing that's
likely to happen is that you'relikely overusing strengths that

(04:41):
you have, and when you overuse astrength, they can become a
liability.
For example, if you like toplease people people pleasing
can be really effective in termsof getting people on side and
being able to influence, butwhen it's overdone, it can
become something that is done atthe expense of you or your own

(05:02):
team, that you give too much andthen don't give enough to
yourself.
Maybe you focus so much ondoing work that other people
rely on you for that.
You, you forget your ownresponsibilities, or not that
you forget them, but you, younever get around to them because
you're so busy trying to lookafter others.
And there's other ones as well,like being overly critical of

(05:23):
things.
Being critical is a fantasticskill and so needed, but
sometimes, when it's overused,people can switch off and find
it hard to engage because itcomes across as negative and
something as well likeperfectionism.
I am honestly the first toadmit that I definitely tend
towards this.
But when we are perfectionistic,we keep trying, and trying and

(05:45):
trying and we're on autopilotbecause we're not even realizing
that we're trying to just keeptweaking and tweaking, and
tweaking.
I've seen this.
I've seen this at executiveteams, where a piece of work
goes up and, instead ofproviding strategic input onto
the piece of work.
They nitpick on little thingslike spelling errors or a little

(06:05):
bit of formatting, somethingthat at that level, the dollar
value of that input is out ofwhack.
Right At that level, you wantstrategic input.
So it's something we all do whenwe're on autopilot and perhaps
one of the most importantimpacts to notice is that your

(06:28):
own impact can start to dull,not because you don't care, but
because you're not always fullythere and you're not then using
all of your strengthsintentionally and holding back
on the overuse of some of thoseautopilot strengths, and what
this can lead to is ushomogenizing.
We become, you know, theaverage.

(06:48):
We don't stand out and now morethan ever, with the rise of
things like AI and technologyshifts that are happening so
quickly, we need leaders who areso aware of who they are and
what they stand for and whatthey bring to the table, because
that is the real humanconnection that is going to get
people engaged and passionateand motivated and moving forward

(07:10):
.
So this discomfort with beingpresent is something that is
really fascinating to observe.
I often not often, butsometimes in group workshops,
I'll throw in an activity whereI get people to actually sit and
be present with one another andit is so fascinating to see how
uncomfortable people are.

(07:32):
They giggle, they wrigglearound, they make jokes, they
keep breaking the activitybecause it's really really hard
to do and when you master it,it's incredibly powerful.
So another key point when wemove from autopilot to awareness
, we awaken choice.
We have choice to notice, topause, to reflect and act from

(07:53):
alignment instead of urgency orfear, which often drives us when
we're on autopilot.
And one of the best thingsParts of this is that awareness
doesn't require more hours inour day.
I know you've already gotenough of your plate.
It requires more presence inthe moments you already have.
So this awareness helps you tocatch the shoulds before they

(08:16):
hijack your choices, becauseanytime that word pops in, it's
likely that it means you aretrying to meet someone else's
expectations, or you're tryingto meet a standard's
expectations, or you're tryingto meet a standard that someone
else has taught you to believeis the standard you should meet.
So the word should is such apowerful one to catch.
You can notice the disconnectbetween what you say and how

(08:38):
you're acting, and basicintegrity comes down to doing
what you say you will do andopening up when you.
You mark that up right.
So often when that disconnecthappens and people hear you say
one thing and see you do another, honestly, that usually breaks

(08:59):
trust very, very quickly and itbreaks credibility and it makes
it harder to lead.
So when you move from autopilotto awareness, you also
interrupt the patterns that keepyou stuck.
Because if we don't know whatthey are and we don't pause to
reflect, of course you're goingto keep repeating those patterns

(09:20):
.
Have you ever heard people saywhy do I always attract you know
crap in my life?
Why do all these situationsalways happen to me, always
attract you know crap in my life?
Why do all these situationsalways happen to me?
Yeah, that's a pattern.
So until you pause and noticeand move from autopilot to
awareness, you will stay stuckin that pattern and it will keep

(09:40):
happening to you.
And when we move from autopilotto awareness, we choose impact
over impulse and theneuroscience backs this up.
So studies show thatmindfulness and self-awareness
increase activity in ourprefrontal cortex.
So that's the front area of ourbrain which is responsible for
the conscious decision-making,so the higher level of thinking,
the empathy and the emotionalregulation.

(10:02):
If you want to read more aboutthis, go and check out the book
called Altered Traits byDavidson and Goldman Really
great book.
Another study done by TashaUrick found that leaders with
high self-awareness are moreeffective, more trusted and lead
more profitable companies.

(10:23):
Yet while 95% of people thinkthey're self-aware, only 10 to
15% actually are.
I'll just let that sink in foryou.
So while 95% of people thinkthey're self-aware, only 10 to
15% actually are.
So one of the things I like toshare with my clients is I don't

(10:43):
think you ever can get fullyself-aware, because to be
self-aware and to understand howyou're impacting on others
requires the input of others tofeed back to you, and you can
never 100% understand howsomeone sees you.
You can come close, but I don'tbelieve you can ever 100%
understand.
So I don't think we ever becomefully self-aware.

(11:05):
So even if you walk away withthat today, I think that would
be a job well done.
So many years ago now, I wasworking in this job where I had
to produce a monthly report andI hated it because I didn't
think it meant anything and whenwe talked about it the

(11:26):
conversation just didn't reallygo anywhere.
We didn't get any meaningfulinsights or results from
preparing this report over andover and over again, and I just
found it so draining and at thetime I didn't realize, but I
probably came across as reallynegative and difficult, because
I just didn't want to be there,didn't want to be presenting
that report, and so, because Ihad no self-awareness at this

(11:50):
point, I had no opportunity tobe intentional and change the
direction and go actually hey,why are we looking at this
report?
What is it we're trying to getto?
And is there a better way to dothis meeting?
To come up with these figures?
Because this is not working.
So how do we move from autopilotto awareness?

(12:11):
And this is something that Iteach in basically all of my
programs, whether that's one orone in group that one of the
first things we work on isawareness, and it's something
that I think we need to buildand build and work on like a
muscle.
If we don't keep exercising it,we can get out of practice.
So the first thing that we cando to move from autopilot to

(12:35):
awareness is to pause and it's alittle bit awkward.
So recently I got an electriccar and it's a bit different to
drive because you basicallyaccelerate and then when you
pull off the accelerator, itturns on the regeneration
braking, which basicallyrecharges the battery, but what

(12:55):
it means is you kind of don'ttouch the brake much and it also
has this cool thing where youcan basically put it on
autopilot right.
So it drives for you prettymuch, but we still have to keep
our hands on the wheel inAustralia.
So it's kind of a bit of aweird feeling, feeling the car
drive for you and you're notreally in control.
So that in itself is awkward.

(13:15):
But also when you switch fromthe autopilot to driving, you
have to tap on the brake and assoon as you do that, the car
starts to brake quite hardbecause of that regenerative
braking and there's this weirdmoment where you have to tap on
the brake and then go backstraight to the accelerator and
be really intentional.
So my point here is that it canbe awkward to pause because you

(13:37):
sort of are going from justoperating to okay, well, what do
I do now?
So that's normal, that's okay.
Once you've hit pause, thesecond thing you do to go from
autopilot to awareness is to askyourself what's my intent?
What am I trying to achieveright now?
And when you have that clarity,that's when you can make things

(14:02):
happen.
That's when you can bringpeople on the journey with you.
And then the next question youcan ask is what do I get out of
doing this?
So what do I get out of peoplepleasing?
What do I get out of being onautopilot?

(14:23):
And in coaching we call thisprinciple secondary gain.
It's something that puts thebrakes on and stops us from
being intentional, stops us frommaking a change that we know we
want to make.
So a easy example I always liketo use is fitness.
Right At the start of the year,people go.
I want to get fit, you know Iwant to get healthy.
I want to feel good in my body.
Great, yeah, great intention.
You know your intent.
But what do you get out of beingunhealthy or making unhealthy

(14:46):
choices?
Maybe you like a social drinkout at the pub with friends and
it's something that relaxes you.
Maybe you absolutely love thedowntime and amazing warmth of
your bed in the morning anddon't want to get out and go for
that run that you promisedyourself you would.
And then you feel guilty.
It can put the brakes on evenwhen we're really clear on our

(15:12):
intent.
So that follow-up question ofwhat do I get out of doing this
is really, really key touncovering that secondary game.
And then the final question Iwant to leave you with is am I
deciding or am I acting from aplace of fear or purpose?
Now, when I discovered thisquestion, it was such a game

(15:34):
changer for me because Iliterally stuck it up.
It's still on my wall to askmyself am I deciding from a
place of fear or purpose rightnow?
Because fear usually puts thebrakes on and purpose is just
this untapped energy source.
You can feel the difference inyour body when you start to get
used to it.
So this is a regular questionthat I ask myself.

(15:55):
That helps me to switch fromautopilot to awareness.
So, as an example, networking.
I have never really likednetworking.
I've always been kind of afraidof it.
I'd walk into a room worriedthat I look odd, or I'm not
going to be liked, or I'm notwearing the right clothes, or
I'm going to be liked, or I'mnot wearing the right clothes,
or I'm going to be judged, orthey're going to think I'm an

(16:16):
idiot.
All of these thoughts would runthrough my head and I'd
overthink what to do, what tosay, how to stand, who to
approach.
What do I do with the glass inmy hand and the plate of finger
food that I've got here.
So what I realized was that allof these thoughts, these
behaviors, these decisions I wasmaking was coming from a place

(16:38):
of fear, a desire to fit in anda belief that I didn't belong in
the room.
Autopilot to awareness and beingreally intentional Just last
week I went to an event and I'mgoing to do a shout out.
It's the Origin Women Networkevent Amplify, which they run

(16:59):
every year, and it wasincredible because it was such a
high powered event and it was acommunity of people who wanted
to be there to connect.
Rather than sell to each otherand take, they wanted to give
and I think, unfortunately,that's rarer than it should be.

(17:21):
So what was different aboutthis event?
One, the people who wereattracted to the event were
different, but two, I wasdifferent.
I went in thinking I'm justgoing to be me, I just want to
connect with people and just bemyself and see what happens and
trust that the rightconversations will happen, and a

(17:42):
couple of beautiful thingshappened that I completely
wasn't expecting.
So when you go from autopilotto awareness, this is the magic
that can happen.
Beautiful things happen thatyou cannot plan for because our
human brains, we think we've gotmore control than we really do.
Right, just go with the flow ismy point.
But what happened was there wasa moment where we had some

(18:03):
music on, and, if you know me, Ido love to get up and dance and
people often are surprised whenthey don't know me that well,
because I do come across veryintroverted.
So, yes, I was up and dancing.
It was like 9.15am in themorning and someone wrote me
this note during the event andit said you made me smile when I

(18:24):
saw you dancing and being soenthusiastic with the vibe of
the day, and I'm like amazing,that's cool.
I love making people smile.
Like how amazing would it be ifeveryone made you smile at
least once in the day, likepeople would be so much happier.
So it's something that Ipersonally intentionally want to
do is make people smile andmake their day better after I

(18:48):
met them than it was before.
And another thing happened was Isat next to this beautiful
woman who has a wonderfulbusiness for such a great cause,
but was struggling to get outand show themselves really, and
so I challenged them, which I dolike to do with my clients,

(19:11):
because it's fun, right, if youget someone to push you and
challenge you.
That's when you can step out ofyour safety blanket and into
that growth zone.
So I said, hey, I have amicrophone in my bag and I
didn't know why I brought ittoday, but I brought it.
So this must be why let's gooutside in the middle of this
event and just put a video oncamera and then I don't care

(19:32):
what you do with it, but let'srip off the bandaid and just get
you in front of the cameratelling your story.
And, to her credit, she got upand did it and I was so freaking
proud of her.
So, if you're listening to this,know that you are amazing and I
hope you get your story outthere, and I know you will.
You will and it needs to getout there because the work
you're doing is so importantwill and it needs to get out

(19:56):
there because the work you'redoing is so important.
So, coming back to my point,when you shift from autopilot to
awareness, everything changes.
You stop reacting and you startresponding.
You stop chasing and you startchoosing where you want to go.
And from this place, I knowthat you find clarity, presence,
intention and you unlock thisbeautiful space for deep work

(20:19):
and real transformation, andbecause there's really one key
thing alignment doesn't start inaction.
It starts when you stop, pauseand look around.

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