August 18, 2025 • 27 mins
Delve into the intriguing life of Mark Twain through the eyes of Will Clemens, who, despite not being related to the famed author, became an acquaintance and penned what may be the first comprehensive biography of Twain. Published on July 1, 1892, as No. 1 in The Pacific Library, this 200-page work was available for just 25¢ and garnered enough attention to be republished in 1894 by a Chicago publisher. In this insightful sketch, Clemens draws heavily on previously published works by other authors, offering a unique perspective on Twains literary legacy. (summary by John Greenman)
Mark as Played
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Chapter nine of Mark Twain His Life and Work, a
biographical sketch by William M. Clemens. This LibriVox recording is
in the public domain. Chapter nine, The Lecture Platform. In
eighteen eighty four, Mark Twain and George W. Cable made
a general tour of the country, each giving readings from
(00:21):
his own works. Cordial receptions and crowded houses greeted them everywhere.
The platform was not a novelty to Mark Twain. He
had delivered lectures in California and Nevada in eighteen sixty
six and eighteen sixty seven, had appeared in public upon
several occasions in England, and had spoken a number of
(00:41):
times at dinners and banquets in New York and Boston.
He became known as a man possessing remarkable powers of elocution,
and his parlor readings of Shakespeare were said to be
masterly performances. Strong inducements had been offered him to lecture abroad,
even so far away as Australia. In eighteen eighty four,
(01:01):
he consented to lecture in America for a period not
exceeding five months. In December eighteen eighty four, Mark Twain
and George W. Cable appeared in Cleveland. They arrived one
afternoon and registered at the Forest City House. I called
to pay my respects. Was mister Clemens in yes, but
(01:21):
he had just eaten dinner, it then being three o'clock,
and had gone to bed, not to be disturbed until
seven o'clock, excepting in case mister John Hay, the author
of Little Britches called mister Clemens. Would see mister Hay,
but no other human being could entice him from his bed.
In the evening occurred the entertainment mister Cable read passages
(01:44):
from his novel Doctor Sevier. Mark Twain came upon the stage,
walking slowly, apparently in deep meditation. Those presents saw a
rather small man with a big head, with bushy gray hair,
heavy dark eyebrows, a receding chin, a long face, toothless
gums visible between the lips, an iron gray mustache, closely
(02:09):
cut and stiff. The right hand involuntarily stroked the receding chin,
and a merry twinkle came into his eyes as he
advanced to the front of the stage and began to
recite in his peculiar drawing and deliberate way. King Solomon,
taken from advance sheets of Huckleberry Finn. When he had finished,
(02:34):
he turned and boyishly ran off the stage with a
sort of dog trot. Then I remember that mister Cable
came on, told us all about Kate Riley and Ristoffelo,
and then, in imitation of Mark Twain, tried to run
off the stage in the same playful manner. I remember
also what a deplorable failure mister Cable made of the attempt,
(02:57):
how his gentle trot reminded me of a duck going
down hill, and how eventually he collided with one of
the scenes, and lastly, how the audience roared with laughter.
Then Mark came forward again with his tragic tale of
the Fishwife, followed by Cable, who walked soberly now like
a Baptist Deacon. Twain told us of a trying situation,
(03:22):
and finally concluded the entertainment with one of his inimitable
ghost stories. He is a good talker and invariably prepares himself,
though he skillfully hides his preparation by his method of delivery,
which denotes that he is getting his ideas and phrases
as he proceeds. He is an accomplished artist in his way.
(03:44):
His peculiar mode of expression always seems contagious with an audience,
and a laugh would follow the most sober remark. It
is a singular fact that an audience will be in
a laughing mood when they first enter the lecture room.
They are ready to burn stout on anything and everything.
In the town of Colchester, Connecticut, there was a good
(04:05):
illustration of this, the Honorable Demshane Hornet, having a most
unpleasant experience at the expense of Mark Twain. Mister Clemens
was advertised to lecture in the town of Colchester, but
for some reason failed to arrive. In the emergency, the
lecture committee decided to employ mister Hornet to deliver his
celebrated lecture on temperance. But so late in the day
(04:28):
was this arrangement made that no bills announcing it could
be circulated, and the audience assembled expecting to hear Mark Twain.
No one in the town knew mister Clemmens or had
ever heard him lecture, and they entertained the idea that
he was funny and went to the lecture prepared to laugh.
Even those upon the platform, excepting the chairman, did not
(04:52):
know mister Hornet from Mark Twain, and so when he
was introduced, thought nothing of the name, as they knew
Mark Twain was a nom de plume, and supposed his
real name was Hornet. Mister Hornet bowed politely, looked about him,
and remarked, in temperance is the curse of the country.
(05:14):
The audience burst into a merry laugh. He knew it
could not be at his remark, and thought his clothes
must be awry. And he asked the chairman in a
whisper if he was all right, and received yes for
an answer. Then he said, rum slays more than disease.
Another but louder laugh followed. He could not understand it,
(05:38):
but proceeded, it breaks up happy holmes, still louder mirth.
It is carrying young men down to death and hell.
Then came a perfect roar of applause. Mister Hornet began
to get excited. He thought they were poking fun at him,
but went on, we must crush the serpent. A tremendous
(06:03):
howl of laughter. The men on the platform except the chairman,
squirmed as they laughed. Then Hornet got mad. What I
say is gospel truth, he cried the audience fairly bellowed
with mirth. Hornet turned to a man on the stage
and said, do you see anything very ridiculous in my
(06:25):
remarks or behavior? Yes, it's intensely funny. Go on, replied
the roaring man. This is an insult, cried Hornet, wildly,
dancing about. More laughter and cries of go on Twain.
Then the chairman began to see through a glass darkly,
(06:47):
and arose and quelled the merriment and explained the situation.
And the men on the stage suddenly ceased laughing, and
the folks in the audience looked sheepish, and they quit
laughing too. And then the excited mister Hornet, being thoroughly mad,
told them he had never before got into a town
(07:09):
so entirely populated with asses and idiots, And having said that,
he left the hall in disgust, followed by the audience
in deep gloom. When mister Clemens and mister Cable appeared
in Albany, New York, they paid their respects to the
governor and visited the state capitol. They entered the Adjutant
General's office, and, finding the official out, they sat down
(07:32):
to await his return. There were a considerable number of
gentlemen in the party, and the chairs were soon occupied.
Mister Clemens sat down carelessly on one of the Adjutant
General's official tables. The party were chatting cheerfully and conducting
themselves peacefully when a dozen clerks and deputies of the
department came rushing into the office and with unusual vehemence,
(07:55):
asked what was wanted. None of the visiting party seemed
to understand a situation. An investigation, however, disclosed the fact
that Mark Twain, by accident or design, had planted himself
squarely on a long row of electric buttons, and thus
set ringing a score or more of call bells in Montreal.
(08:17):
Upon the occasion of Mark Twain's appearance, there were a
large number of Frenchmen in the audience. This caused him
to introduce his lecture the following, where so many of
the guests are French, the propriety will be recognized of
(08:38):
my making a portion of my speech in the beautiful language,
in order that I may be partly understood. I speak
French with timidity and not blowingly, except when excited. When
(09:04):
using that language, I have noticed that I have hardly
ever been mistaken for a Frenchman, except perhaps by horses.
Never I believe by people. I had hoped that mere
(09:24):
French construction with English words would answer, but this is
not the case. I tried it at a gentleman's house
in Quebec, and it would not work. The maid servant asked,
what would monsieur? I said, monsieur so, and so is
(09:48):
he with himself? She did not understand. I said, is
it that he is still not returned to his house
of merchandise. She did not understand that either. I said,
he will desolate himself when he learns that his friend
(10:12):
American was arrived and he not with himself to shake
him at the hand. She did not even understand that.
I don't know why, but she didn't, and she lost
her temper. Besides, somebody in the rear called out ki edantlas,
(10:37):
or words to that effect. She said, sit therefoo and
shut the door on me. Perhaps she was right, But
how did she ever find that out? For she had
never seen me before till that moment. But as I
have already intimated, I will close this oration with a
(11:03):
few sentiments in the French language. I have not ornamented them,
I have not burdened them with flowers of rhetoric, for
to my mind that literature is best and most enduring,
which is characterized by a noble simplicity.
Speaker 2 (11:28):
J Belle Buton d'Or d'armond, uncle may Genepa, Silris de Charpontier,
civou zave le fromage de brave minucier sebon may si
vu ne lave pa navous de soule pa prene le
(11:53):
chapeau de dra noir de Saint Bouffre malade to tell
her savoir faire, cascavoudt, pates de foi gras revenant, no
Mouton Barton, monsieur pantonemoi essaya parlais la belle longue.
Speaker 1 (12:14):
Dollendorf strains me more than you can possibly imagine. But
I mean well, and I've done the best I could.
Mister Clemens met with an amusing adventure. When he and
mister Cable were making their tour in the South. A
(12:35):
misguided but enthusiastic young man managed, after some difficulty, to
secure an introduction to the humorist on a river steamer
just before the latter's departure from New Orleans for Saint Louis.
The young man said I've read all of your writings,
mister Twain, but I think I like the Heathen Chinee
the best of them all. Mister clements shook the young
(12:58):
man's hand with tremendous enthusiasm. My dear sir, he remarked,
I am pretty well used to compliments, but I must
say I never received one which gave me equal satisfaction
and showed so kindly an appreciation of efforts to please
(13:21):
the public. A thousand thanks, and the young man replied,
you are perfectly welcome, mister Twain. I am sure you
deserve it. Shortly after his return from his lecture tour,
the representative of a leading publishing house called upon mister
Clemmons at his Hartford residence, offering him his own price
(13:42):
for a certain contribution which was specially desired. Well, I
tell you, said Mark, with his inimitable drawl. I have
just got a thundering big book through me, and an
awful lecture course through the people of this unfortunate country.
(14:05):
And I feel like an anaconda that had swallowed a goat.
I don't want to turn over or wiggle again for
six months. This was his way of declining the offer
after dinner speaking became as natural to mister Clemmons as
(14:28):
his appearance upon the lecture platform, and he has won
the title of being the most entertaining table talker in America.
Not many years since, he was present at a monthly
meeting of the Military Service Institute on Governor's Island. General W. T.
Sherman and General Schofield were present. Mister clements said that
(14:50):
that which he was about to read was part of
a still uncompleted book, of which he would give the
first chapter by way of explanation and follow it with
selected fragm or outline the rest of it in bulk,
so to speak to as the dying cowboy admonished his
(15:11):
spiritual adviser to do, just leave out the details and
heave in the bottom facts. Once upon a time, a
military regiment from Worcester, Massachusetts visited Hartford, and the humorist
was put forward as the spokesman to welcome officially the
(15:32):
soldier guests of the city. Among other things, he said,
when asked to respond, I said I would be glad
to but there were reasons why I could not make
a speech, but I said I would talk. I never
(15:52):
made a speech without getting together a lot of statistics
and being instructive. The man who starts in upon a
speech without preparation enters upon a sea of infelicities and troubles.
I had thought of a great many things I had
(16:16):
intended to say. In fact, nearly all of these things
I have heard here to night. I had thought of
get a man away down here on the list, and
he starts out empty. One reason I didn't like to
come here to make a prepared speech was because I
(16:40):
have sworn off I have reformed. I would not make
a prepared speech without statistics and philosophy. The advantage of
a prepared speech is that you start when you are
ready and stop when you get through. If unprepared, you
(17:06):
are all at sea. You don't know where you are.
I thought to achieve brevity, but I was mistaken. A
man never hangs on so long on his hind legs
as when he don't know when to stop. I once
(17:26):
heard a man who tried to be reformed. He tried
to be brief. A number of strangers sat in a
hotel parlor. One sat off to one side and said nothing.
Finally all went out except one man and this dummy.
(17:48):
The dummy touched this man on the shoulder and said,
I think I have whistles e you before. What makes
you whistle? Asked the other man. I used to stammer
and the shh. Doctor told me when I wish wanted
(18:14):
to speak and stammered to whistle, I didn't. You did whistle,
and it cured me. So it is with a man
who makes an unprepared speech. He tries to be brief
(18:37):
and it takes him longer. I won't detain you. We
welcome you with cordial hospitality, and if you will remain,
we will try and furnish better weather tomorrow. One of
his famous after dinner speeches was in response to the
(18:59):
toast the Babies, and another was his speech on woman
at the annual dinner of the New England Society some
years ago. He spoke immediately after General Grant. Among the
good things, he said worthy following, the daughter of modern
civilization is a marvel of exquisite and beautiful art and expense.
(19:25):
All the lands, all the climes, all the arts are
laid under tribute to furnish her forth. Her linen is
from Belfast, her robe is from Paris, her fan from Japan.
Her card case is from China. Her watch is from Geneva,
(19:51):
her hair from from I don't know where her hair
is from. I could never find out. That is her
other hair, her public hair, her Sunday hair. I don't
mean the hair she goes to bed with. Why you
(20:15):
ought to know the hair. I mean it's that thing
which she calls a switch, and which resembles a switch
as much as it does a brick bat or a shotgun.
It's that thing that she twists and then coils round
and round her head bee hive fashion, and then tucks
(20:40):
the end in under the hive and harpoons it with
a hairpin. In eighteen eighty five, at the Academy of
Music in Philadelphia occurred a benefit performance for the Actor's Fund.
The house was crowded. Joseph Murphy had just given the
graveyard scene for from Chammru. The widower and his little
(21:03):
son visit the grave of the wife and mother and
go through some very pathetic incidents. A delay occurred after
the Chaenrue had sorrowfully led his offspring from the hallowed spot.
The audience was in the usual sympathetic condition after the scene,
and noses were blown generously in the commendable effort to
brace up for the appearance of Mark Twain, who was
(21:26):
to come on next and read his ridiculous tale of
a Fishwife. The dozen mounds with their crosses and head
pieces that had been used to make up the scene
of the cemetery had not been removed, and the idea
that the humorist would have to read his nonsense in
such surroundings caused anxiety. Twain was standing at the wing
(21:48):
ready to go on, and many saw him. The uneasiness
of the people became more universal, as it now seemed
inevitable that a most grotesque picture would be thrust upon them.
An appalling blunder in stage management seemed about to be committed.
The gentlemen who had charge of the entertainment were sitting
in a box at the right of the stage and
(22:09):
could plainly see Twain's embarrassment. Both made a rush for
behind the scenes to order the removal of the graves,
but they were too late. As they flew through the
box door, Mark Twain stepped cautiously on the stage. He
took a couple of steps forward, glanced up at the
picture before him, and stopped short. He turned his head
(22:33):
toward whence he had come as though looking for the manager,
gave an agonizing glance of appeal, muttered something that had
the tone of vigor, but at last went ahead. He
made his way down to the footlights with halting, uncertain steps,
fumbling his notes between his fingers, and casting nervous looks
(22:56):
at the solemn signs of death that half surround him.
At last he got squarely before the audience. By this
time every person in the house was thoroughly uncomfortable. A
weak effort at applause had been made by some of
the bravest hearted on the appearance of the humorist, but
Mark's indifference to the reception and the overwhelming incongruity of
(23:19):
the scene had a saddening effect. The house became so
still that the rolling of a ball of cotton could
have been heard. He stood before the leader of the
orchestra like a schoolboy about to speak his first piece.
Never a model of the esthetic in action, he was
now painfully awkward and confused. He twisted his notes and
(23:44):
wiggled his fingers every now and then, looking over his
shoulder at the scene of death with gazes of suspicion
and apprehension. He remained looking foolish for many seconds, two
or three times, making an in effectual attempt to say something.
At length, he found voice, and in his drawling tones
(24:07):
even longer drawn out than usual, the embarrassed reader said,
ladies and gentlemen, aer thiserer melancholy occasion. It gives me
an an opportunity to make an erm explanation that I
(24:35):
have long desired to deliver myself of. I rise to
a question of the highest privilege before a Philadelphia audience.
The audience, without the remotest idea of what was coming,
(24:57):
still sat quiet and expectant. Mister Clemens continued.
Speaker 3 (25:02):
In the course of my checkered career, I have on
divers occasions been charged, always maliciously, of course, with more
or less serious offenses.
Speaker 1 (25:21):
It is in reply to one of the more important
of these that I wish to speak more than once
I have been accused of writing the obituary poetry in
(25:45):
the Philadelphia Ledger. A gentle smile was seen to pass
over the faces of the multitude, and pleasant feeling began
to assert itself. I wish right here, went on, mister Clemmens,
with gathered self possession, to deny that terrible assertion. The
(26:06):
audience now laughed outright, and comfort was pretty well restored.
I will admit that once, when a compositor in the
ledger establishment, I did set up some of that poetry,
but for a worse offense than that. No indictment can
(26:31):
be found against me. And then, in an outraged manner,
the humorous exclaimed I did not write that poetry. And then,
after a pause, at least not all of it. The
reader had his hearers with him after that, and he
(26:51):
never read his Tale of a Fishwife to a more
appreciative audience. End of chapter nine, read by John Greenman.
Chapter nine of Mark Twain His Life and Work, a
biographical sketch by William M. Clemens. This LibriVox recording is
in the public domain. Chapter nine, The Lecture Platform. In
eighteen eighty four, Mark Twain and George W. Cable made
a general tour of the country, each giving readings from
(00:21):
his own works. Cordial receptions and crowded houses greeted them everywhere.
The platform was not a novelty to Mark Twain. He
had delivered lectures in California and Nevada in eighteen sixty
six and eighteen sixty seven, had appeared in public upon
several occasions in England, and had spoken a number of
(00:41):
times at dinners and banquets in New York and Boston.
He became known as a man possessing remarkable powers of elocution,
and his parlor readings of Shakespeare were said to be
masterly performances. Strong inducements had been offered him to lecture abroad,
even so far away as Australia. In eighteen eighty four,
(01:01):
he consented to lecture in America for a period not
exceeding five months. In December eighteen eighty four, Mark Twain
and George W. Cable appeared in Cleveland. They arrived one
afternoon and registered at the Forest City House. I called
to pay my respects. Was mister Clemens in yes, but
(01:21):
he had just eaten dinner, it then being three o'clock,
and had gone to bed, not to be disturbed until
seven o'clock, excepting in case mister John Hay, the author
of Little Britches called mister Clemens. Would see mister Hay,
but no other human being could entice him from his bed.
In the evening occurred the entertainment mister Cable read passages
(01:44):
from his novel Doctor Sevier. Mark Twain came upon the stage,
walking slowly, apparently in deep meditation. Those presents saw a
rather small man with a big head, with bushy gray hair,
heavy dark eyebrows, a receding chin, a long face, toothless
gums visible between the lips, an iron gray mustache, closely
(02:09):
cut and stiff. The right hand involuntarily stroked the receding chin,
and a merry twinkle came into his eyes as he
advanced to the front of the stage and began to
recite in his peculiar drawing and deliberate way. King Solomon,
taken from advance sheets of Huckleberry Finn. When he had finished,
(02:34):
he turned and boyishly ran off the stage with a
sort of dog trot. Then I remember that mister Cable
came on, told us all about Kate Riley and Ristoffelo,
and then, in imitation of Mark Twain, tried to run
off the stage in the same playful manner. I remember
also what a deplorable failure mister Cable made of the attempt,
(02:57):
how his gentle trot reminded me of a duck going
down hill, and how eventually he collided with one of
the scenes, and lastly, how the audience roared with laughter.
Then Mark came forward again with his tragic tale of
the Fishwife, followed by Cable, who walked soberly now like
a Baptist Deacon. Twain told us of a trying situation,
(03:22):
and finally concluded the entertainment with one of his inimitable
ghost stories. He is a good talker and invariably prepares himself,
though he skillfully hides his preparation by his method of delivery,
which denotes that he is getting his ideas and phrases
as he proceeds. He is an accomplished artist in his way.
(03:44):
His peculiar mode of expression always seems contagious with an audience,
and a laugh would follow the most sober remark. It
is a singular fact that an audience will be in
a laughing mood when they first enter the lecture room.
They are ready to burn stout on anything and everything.
In the town of Colchester, Connecticut, there was a good
(04:05):
illustration of this, the Honorable Demshane Hornet, having a most
unpleasant experience at the expense of Mark Twain. Mister Clemens
was advertised to lecture in the town of Colchester, but
for some reason failed to arrive. In the emergency, the
lecture committee decided to employ mister Hornet to deliver his
celebrated lecture on temperance. But so late in the day
(04:28):
was this arrangement made that no bills announcing it could
be circulated, and the audience assembled expecting to hear Mark Twain.
No one in the town knew mister Clemmens or had
ever heard him lecture, and they entertained the idea that
he was funny and went to the lecture prepared to laugh.
Even those upon the platform, excepting the chairman, did not
(04:52):
know mister Hornet from Mark Twain, and so when he
was introduced, thought nothing of the name, as they knew
Mark Twain was a nom de plume, and supposed his
real name was Hornet. Mister Hornet bowed politely, looked about him,
and remarked, in temperance is the curse of the country.
(05:14):
The audience burst into a merry laugh. He knew it
could not be at his remark, and thought his clothes
must be awry. And he asked the chairman in a
whisper if he was all right, and received yes for
an answer. Then he said, rum slays more than disease.
Another but louder laugh followed. He could not understand it,
(05:38):
but proceeded, it breaks up happy holmes, still louder mirth.
It is carrying young men down to death and hell.
Then came a perfect roar of applause. Mister Hornet began
to get excited. He thought they were poking fun at him,
but went on, we must crush the serpent. A tremendous
(06:03):
howl of laughter. The men on the platform except the chairman,
squirmed as they laughed. Then Hornet got mad. What I
say is gospel truth, he cried the audience fairly bellowed
with mirth. Hornet turned to a man on the stage
and said, do you see anything very ridiculous in my
(06:25):
remarks or behavior? Yes, it's intensely funny. Go on, replied
the roaring man. This is an insult, cried Hornet, wildly,
dancing about. More laughter and cries of go on Twain.
Then the chairman began to see through a glass darkly,
(06:47):
and arose and quelled the merriment and explained the situation.
And the men on the stage suddenly ceased laughing, and
the folks in the audience looked sheepish, and they quit
laughing too. And then the excited mister Hornet, being thoroughly mad,
told them he had never before got into a town
(07:09):
so entirely populated with asses and idiots, And having said that,
he left the hall in disgust, followed by the audience
in deep gloom. When mister Clemens and mister Cable appeared
in Albany, New York, they paid their respects to the
governor and visited the state capitol. They entered the Adjutant
General's office, and, finding the official out, they sat down
(07:32):
to await his return. There were a considerable number of
gentlemen in the party, and the chairs were soon occupied.
Mister Clemens sat down carelessly on one of the Adjutant
General's official tables. The party were chatting cheerfully and conducting
themselves peacefully when a dozen clerks and deputies of the
department came rushing into the office and with unusual vehemence,
(07:55):
asked what was wanted. None of the visiting party seemed
to understand a situation. An investigation, however, disclosed the fact
that Mark Twain, by accident or design, had planted himself
squarely on a long row of electric buttons, and thus
set ringing a score or more of call bells in Montreal.
(08:17):
Upon the occasion of Mark Twain's appearance, there were a
large number of Frenchmen in the audience. This caused him
to introduce his lecture the following, where so many of
the guests are French, the propriety will be recognized of
(08:38):
my making a portion of my speech in the beautiful language,
in order that I may be partly understood. I speak
French with timidity and not blowingly, except when excited. When
(09:04):
using that language, I have noticed that I have hardly
ever been mistaken for a Frenchman, except perhaps by horses.
Never I believe by people. I had hoped that mere
(09:24):
French construction with English words would answer, but this is
not the case. I tried it at a gentleman's house
in Quebec, and it would not work. The maid servant asked,
what would monsieur? I said, monsieur so, and so is
(09:48):
he with himself? She did not understand. I said, is
it that he is still not returned to his house
of merchandise. She did not understand that either. I said,
he will desolate himself when he learns that his friend
(10:12):
American was arrived and he not with himself to shake
him at the hand. She did not even understand that.
I don't know why, but she didn't, and she lost
her temper. Besides, somebody in the rear called out ki edantlas,
(10:37):
or words to that effect. She said, sit therefoo and
shut the door on me. Perhaps she was right, But
how did she ever find that out? For she had
never seen me before till that moment. But as I
have already intimated, I will close this oration with a
(11:03):
few sentiments in the French language. I have not ornamented them,
I have not burdened them with flowers of rhetoric, for
to my mind that literature is best and most enduring,
which is characterized by a noble simplicity.
Speaker 2 (11:28):
J Belle Buton d'Or d'armond, uncle may Genepa, Silris de Charpontier,
civou zave le fromage de brave minucier sebon may si
vu ne lave pa navous de soule pa prene le
(11:53):
chapeau de dra noir de Saint Bouffre malade to tell
her savoir faire, cascavoudt, pates de foi gras revenant, no
Mouton Barton, monsieur pantonemoi essaya parlais la belle longue.
Speaker 1 (12:14):
Dollendorf strains me more than you can possibly imagine. But
I mean well, and I've done the best I could.
Mister Clemens met with an amusing adventure. When he and
mister Cable were making their tour in the South. A
(12:35):
misguided but enthusiastic young man managed, after some difficulty, to
secure an introduction to the humorist on a river steamer
just before the latter's departure from New Orleans for Saint Louis.
The young man said I've read all of your writings,
mister Twain, but I think I like the Heathen Chinee
the best of them all. Mister clements shook the young
(12:58):
man's hand with tremendous enthusiasm. My dear sir, he remarked,
I am pretty well used to compliments, but I must
say I never received one which gave me equal satisfaction
and showed so kindly an appreciation of efforts to please
(13:21):
the public. A thousand thanks, and the young man replied,
you are perfectly welcome, mister Twain. I am sure you
deserve it. Shortly after his return from his lecture tour,
the representative of a leading publishing house called upon mister
Clemmons at his Hartford residence, offering him his own price
(13:42):
for a certain contribution which was specially desired. Well, I
tell you, said Mark, with his inimitable drawl. I have
just got a thundering big book through me, and an
awful lecture course through the people of this unfortunate country.
(14:05):
And I feel like an anaconda that had swallowed a goat.
I don't want to turn over or wiggle again for
six months. This was his way of declining the offer
after dinner speaking became as natural to mister Clemmons as
(14:28):
his appearance upon the lecture platform, and he has won
the title of being the most entertaining table talker in America.
Not many years since, he was present at a monthly
meeting of the Military Service Institute on Governor's Island. General W. T.
Sherman and General Schofield were present. Mister clements said that
(14:50):
that which he was about to read was part of
a still uncompleted book, of which he would give the
first chapter by way of explanation and follow it with
selected fragm or outline the rest of it in bulk,
so to speak to as the dying cowboy admonished his
(15:11):
spiritual adviser to do, just leave out the details and
heave in the bottom facts. Once upon a time, a
military regiment from Worcester, Massachusetts visited Hartford, and the humorist
was put forward as the spokesman to welcome officially the
(15:32):
soldier guests of the city. Among other things, he said,
when asked to respond, I said I would be glad
to but there were reasons why I could not make
a speech, but I said I would talk. I never
(15:52):
made a speech without getting together a lot of statistics
and being instructive. The man who starts in upon a
speech without preparation enters upon a sea of infelicities and troubles.
I had thought of a great many things I had
(16:16):
intended to say. In fact, nearly all of these things
I have heard here to night. I had thought of
get a man away down here on the list, and
he starts out empty. One reason I didn't like to
come here to make a prepared speech was because I
(16:40):
have sworn off I have reformed. I would not make
a prepared speech without statistics and philosophy. The advantage of
a prepared speech is that you start when you are
ready and stop when you get through. If unprepared, you
(17:06):
are all at sea. You don't know where you are.
I thought to achieve brevity, but I was mistaken. A
man never hangs on so long on his hind legs
as when he don't know when to stop. I once
(17:26):
heard a man who tried to be reformed. He tried
to be brief. A number of strangers sat in a
hotel parlor. One sat off to one side and said nothing.
Finally all went out except one man and this dummy.
(17:48):
The dummy touched this man on the shoulder and said,
I think I have whistles e you before. What makes
you whistle? Asked the other man. I used to stammer
and the shh. Doctor told me when I wish wanted
(18:14):
to speak and stammered to whistle, I didn't. You did whistle,
and it cured me. So it is with a man
who makes an unprepared speech. He tries to be brief
(18:37):
and it takes him longer. I won't detain you. We
welcome you with cordial hospitality, and if you will remain,
we will try and furnish better weather tomorrow. One of
his famous after dinner speeches was in response to the
(18:59):
toast the Babies, and another was his speech on woman
at the annual dinner of the New England Society some
years ago. He spoke immediately after General Grant. Among the
good things, he said worthy following, the daughter of modern
civilization is a marvel of exquisite and beautiful art and expense.
(19:25):
All the lands, all the climes, all the arts are
laid under tribute to furnish her forth. Her linen is
from Belfast, her robe is from Paris, her fan from Japan.
Her card case is from China. Her watch is from Geneva,
(19:51):
her hair from from I don't know where her hair
is from. I could never find out. That is her
other hair, her public hair, her Sunday hair. I don't
mean the hair she goes to bed with. Why you
(20:15):
ought to know the hair. I mean it's that thing
which she calls a switch, and which resembles a switch
as much as it does a brick bat or a shotgun.
It's that thing that she twists and then coils round
and round her head bee hive fashion, and then tucks
(20:40):
the end in under the hive and harpoons it with
a hairpin. In eighteen eighty five, at the Academy of
Music in Philadelphia occurred a benefit performance for the Actor's Fund.
The house was crowded. Joseph Murphy had just given the
graveyard scene for from Chammru. The widower and his little
(21:03):
son visit the grave of the wife and mother and
go through some very pathetic incidents. A delay occurred after
the Chaenrue had sorrowfully led his offspring from the hallowed spot.
The audience was in the usual sympathetic condition after the scene,
and noses were blown generously in the commendable effort to
brace up for the appearance of Mark Twain, who was
(21:26):
to come on next and read his ridiculous tale of
a Fishwife. The dozen mounds with their crosses and head
pieces that had been used to make up the scene
of the cemetery had not been removed, and the idea
that the humorist would have to read his nonsense in
such surroundings caused anxiety. Twain was standing at the wing
(21:48):
ready to go on, and many saw him. The uneasiness
of the people became more universal, as it now seemed
inevitable that a most grotesque picture would be thrust upon them.
An appalling blunder in stage management seemed about to be committed.
The gentlemen who had charge of the entertainment were sitting
in a box at the right of the stage and
(22:09):
could plainly see Twain's embarrassment. Both made a rush for
behind the scenes to order the removal of the graves,
but they were too late. As they flew through the
box door, Mark Twain stepped cautiously on the stage. He
took a couple of steps forward, glanced up at the
picture before him, and stopped short. He turned his head
(22:33):
toward whence he had come as though looking for the manager,
gave an agonizing glance of appeal, muttered something that had
the tone of vigor, but at last went ahead. He
made his way down to the footlights with halting, uncertain steps,
fumbling his notes between his fingers, and casting nervous looks
(22:56):
at the solemn signs of death that half surround him.
At last he got squarely before the audience. By this
time every person in the house was thoroughly uncomfortable. A
weak effort at applause had been made by some of
the bravest hearted on the appearance of the humorist, but
Mark's indifference to the reception and the overwhelming incongruity of
(23:19):
the scene had a saddening effect. The house became so
still that the rolling of a ball of cotton could
have been heard. He stood before the leader of the
orchestra like a schoolboy about to speak his first piece.
Never a model of the esthetic in action, he was
now painfully awkward and confused. He twisted his notes and
(23:44):
wiggled his fingers every now and then, looking over his
shoulder at the scene of death with gazes of suspicion
and apprehension. He remained looking foolish for many seconds, two
or three times, making an in effectual attempt to say something.
At length, he found voice, and in his drawling tones
(24:07):
even longer drawn out than usual, the embarrassed reader said,
ladies and gentlemen, aer thiserer melancholy occasion. It gives me
an an opportunity to make an erm explanation that I
(24:35):
have long desired to deliver myself of. I rise to
a question of the highest privilege before a Philadelphia audience.
The audience, without the remotest idea of what was coming,
(24:57):
still sat quiet and expectant. Mister Clemens continued.
Speaker 3 (25:02):
In the course of my checkered career, I have on
divers occasions been charged, always maliciously, of course, with more
or less serious offenses.
Speaker 1 (25:21):
It is in reply to one of the more important
of these that I wish to speak more than once
I have been accused of writing the obituary poetry in
(25:45):
the Philadelphia Ledger. A gentle smile was seen to pass
over the faces of the multitude, and pleasant feeling began
to assert itself. I wish right here, went on, mister Clemmens,
with gathered self possession, to deny that terrible assertion. The
(26:06):
audience now laughed outright, and comfort was pretty well restored.
I will admit that once, when a compositor in the
ledger establishment, I did set up some of that poetry,
but for a worse offense than that. No indictment can
(26:31):
be found against me. And then, in an outraged manner,
the humorous exclaimed I did not write that poetry. And then,
after a pause, at least not all of it. The
reader had his hearers with him after that, and he
(26:51):
never read his Tale of a Fishwife to a more
appreciative audience. End of chapter nine, read by John Greenman.
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