May 30, 2025 • 53 mins
Grief and joy are two sides of the same coin in motherhood, as Shawnee Baker powerfully demonstrates in this emotional conversation about her maternal journey. A former NICU nurse who became a mother to three children before she was 23, Shawnee's path was immediately complicated when her first husband abandoned their family when her daughter Baylie was just six days old. With courage and determination, she rebuilt her life as a single mother, creating an especially close bond with Baylie—her mini-me, best friend, and confidante.
Years later, after finding love again and deciding to expand her family through IVF at age 39, Shawnee faced the unthinkable. While pregnant with her fourth child, her daughter Baylie, then a sophomore at the University of Miami, was drugged, suffered a catastrophic accident, and spent six weeks in a coma before passing away. The devastating trauma of losing Baylie while simultaneously carrying a new life created a perfect storm of grief, stress, and medical complications that few mothers have experienced.
Shawnee shares the harrowing details of this period with unflinching honesty—the weekly ultrasounds, psychiatrist visits, medication concerns, and the constant fear about what effect her overwhelming grief might have on her unborn child. She also reveals the systemic failures that compounded her family's tragedy, including their inability to advocate for proper medical testing or transfer Baylie's care without a healthcare proxy, a critical document most parents of adult children don't realize they need.
Shawnee articulates the complex experience of maternal grief alongside the anticipation of new life and how she found the strength to open her heart again. "I would love again because Baylie would want me to," she shares, encapsulating the painful beauty of continuing to mother both the child she lost and the one she was preparing to welcome. Listen to this transformative conversation that will forever change how you think about maternal resilience, the medical implications of trauma during pregnancy, and the legal preparations every parent needs to make.
Learn more about Shawnee Baker and her advocacy for positive change on behalf of Baylie.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Stephanie Theriault (00:11):
Welcome to the Maternal Wealth Podcast, a
space for all things related tomaternal health, pregnancy and
beyond.
I'm your host, StephanieTheriault.
I'm a labor and delivery nurseand a mother to three beautiful
boys.
Each week, we dive intoinspiring stories and expert
insights to remind us of thepower that you hold in
childbirth and motherhood.
We're here to explore the joys,the challenges and the
(00:34):
complexities of maternal health.
Every mother's journey isunique and every story deserves
to be told.
Please note that this podcastis for entertainment purposes
only.
It is not intended to replaceprofessional medical advice,
diagnosis or treatment.
Always consult with yourhealthcare provider for medical
guidance that is tailored toyour specific needs.
(00:55):
Are you ready?
Let's get into this week'sepisode.
(01:25):
I want to pause and read anexcerpt from Shawnee's book
titled A True Story (01:25):
A Life Shattered, a Promise Kept, a
Secret Revealed.
Shawnee wrote the boundlesslove I had for my newborns grew
even more enormous as I came toknow Baylie for who she truly
was, not just in her emergingadulthood but in her dying and
death.
I was terrified that theexperience of love loss ever to
(01:46):
love again compromise my ability.
I knew I was being hardened anddesensitized through the pain.
Love would require me to trustmy heart and step into the fire
again.
The challenge was immense, butI would do it for Bailey Baylie
I would give this new baby aspace in my broken heart.
(02:06):
I would get past myself, openmyself up to love once more and
embrace this precious new life.
While I suffered the greatestloss ever, I would love again
because Bailey would want me to.
(02:36):
Shawnee Baker is an inspiringfigure a former NICU nurse,
accomplished author, griefadvocate and the founder of
Bailey's Wish Baylie.
She embodies the roles of amother, daughter, sister, wife,
friend, advocate, healer,fighter and survivor.
Shawnee truly represents theessence of womanhood in all of
(02:56):
its complexity.
In today's discussion, we'llexplore Shawnee's profound
journey through motherhood.
We'll touch on the uniquechallenges she's faced and how
these experiences have shapedher and her family in
transformative ways.
Before we welcome Shawnee, Iwant to remind our listeners
that we will be addressing theheartbreaking loss of Shawnee
daughter, Bailey, a topic thatBaylie deep emotional weight.
(03:17):
Your understanding andcompassion are appreciated as we
navigate this sensitiveconversation.
Join me as I welcome ShawneeBaker to the Maternal Wealth
Podcast.
Welcome.
Shawnee Baker (03:26):
Shani.
Thank you, Stephanie.
What a beautiful introduction.
I feel so honored and humbledto hear you say that I'm honored
to have you here with us today,thank you.
Stephanie Theriault (03:35):
I would love for you to start off and
share with us who was
Shawnee Baker (03:39):
Shani
Stephanie Theriault (03:39):
before you had children and before you
became a mother.
Shawnee Baker (03:42):
I always wanted to be a mother, so I was in a
bit of a hurry to get marriedand have children.
So when I met my first husband,I wasn't even out of college,
yet 17.
And I moved out of my parents'house when I was 19.
I moved in with my boyfriend atthe time.
I was pregnant before I was outof school and I had a baby that
(04:03):
we were married.
I was married before I was outof school and I had a baby that
we were married.
I was married when I was 19.
So that was a bit of a rush.
It's a hard question for me toanswer because I didn't get a
lot of time to be me.
I went from childhood to beinga teenager, to being a mom, just
like that, and I graduated asan RN.
I went back and did apostgraduate program for
(04:26):
neonatal nursing, I worked inthe NICU my whole career and I
had three little babies before Iwas 23.
So that was really the start tomy life was motherhood it's all
I ever wanted, and what Ididn't plan very well was just
how challenging motherhood wouldbe at such a young age and
(04:46):
working full-time hours andtrying to build a life.
Stephanie Theriault (04:50):
You have three children early on
Mackenzie, tristan and Bailey.
Thinking about working timeas a labor and delivery nurse,
welcoming moms who've had twoboys and then a daughter, the
energy is different.
It's warm, it's humbling.
Shawnee Baker (05:11):
I'd I wish it were a more beautiful story than
it is, but my pregnancies werevery easy, very straightforward.
for you to share with us alittle bit about your birth
story when you gave birth toBailey.
Although I did have babiesearly, for the most part they
were complication-free.
I delivered Bailey at 35 weeksand my husband was not Baylie to
attend the delivery.
It was during that time that Idiscovered that he had been
adulterous.
Through the marriage I actuallylearned that my first husband
(05:34):
was a sociopath and throughtherapy a lot of things were
revealed with his mental health.
It turned out that at that timehe had had over five affairs
throughout our marriage and thatI knew out that at that time he
had had over five affairsthroughout our marriage and that
I knew of.
And at that time he was livinga second life.
So I was in labor and he was athis girlfriend's and didn't
(05:54):
show up for the delivery.
He didn't show up until exactlythe delivery.
He knew I was laboring and mychildren were with a neighbor,
and then he showed up at thehospital just right as Bailey
was born and then he left againthe Baylie morning.
I was hoping he would come forthe baby and she was just a
delight.
I mean she was beautiful andeverything I'd ever wanted.
(06:17):
He showed up the next morning,had a quick visit, brought the
boys to me, went and picked themup at the neighbor's and
brought them over and then heleft again.
And he left me in the hospitalto look after the two little
boys who were two and three, andmy newborn.
He left and I couldn't find himand I couldn't get a hold of
him.
And my family was miles away.
(06:37):
We were living in South Texas,we were in San Antonio, my
family was in Toronto and so Ireally didn't have anybody to
call to come and get thechildren.
San Antonio, my family was inToronto and so I really didn't
have anybody to call to come andget the children.
So I ended up having to findout of the hospital discharge
myself, and I left the hospitalthat day at noon and took my
young family home with me andlater discovered all of the
terrible things that had beengoing on with my husband at the
(06:59):
time.
He showed up three days laterback at the house and let me
know that he was leaving, thatthe family thing wasn't for him,
so he left.
When Bailey was six days old, Irebuilt my life.
Stephanie Theriault (07:09):
Often we Baylie about women needing the
village.
We need our village to help usraise our children.
If you could share with us alittle bit about when your
husband left you went back toCanada, where you're originally
from?
Shawnee Baker (07:23):
Yes, how did you use your village when you were
23 years old with three littlekids back, of course, I called
(07:45):
my mother and sister immediatelyand were very supportive of me.
My mom wanted me to come home,bring the kids and come back
home, and I would stay with mymom and dad until I got back on
my feet.
So that's what I did.
I went back to Toronto and Iwas with my mom and dad for
about a month and then I landeda job at the Hospital for Sick
Children in downtown Toronto,which is a world-renowned
(08:06):
hospital.
It's an excellent facility andI was able to get my career back
on track with the help of mymom and my sister and my village
, and start all over again as asingle mom.
Stephanie Theriault (08:17):
Frequently in your book you reflect on the
bond between you and Bailey.
Shawnee Baker (08:28):
Yes.
So Bailey being the youngest ofthe three and the only daughter
, we Baylie a bond like no other.
Bailey was so much like me, butit was really easy for me to
connect with Baylie.
The boys had differentinterests, interests that I
wasn't as familiar with, andBailey ended up being a rider.
I had been an equestrianearlier on, when a Baylie young
was girl, and so we had thatin common.
(08:51):
Bailey wanted to be a doctor, Iwas a NICU nurse.
We had so many things in commonand Baylie along so well.
We were best of friends, and asBailey grew funny because
people would ask Bailey who herbest friend was,, that only
became stronger.
It was kind of funny and shewould say her mom.
People would ask Bailey who herbest friend Baylie and she
would say her mom.
Stephanie Theriault (09:14):
As Bailey grew from what I read in the
book, Baylie as a family, youdecided that she wanted to
attend Baylie in Miami, whichwas far from you.
How was that decision for youas a mom letting your daughter
go when you had such a strongbond?
Shawnee Baker (09:26):
It was extremely difficult, but that was
something she had on her dreamboard.
She wanted to go to theUniversity of Miami.
She had dreamt of that school.
She was a rider.
They had a good equestrian teamand she loved the sun.
She was a beach kid.
She wanted to be on the beachall the time.
I knew that's where she neededto be.
Interestingly, she was acceptedto quite a few schools and she
(09:48):
ended up with a scholarship forthe University of Miami, which
made it even harder to say no to.
So that's where she ended up.
We struggled with it.
We struggled because she wasfar from home.
We struggled because we wereafraid of the dangers in the
city.
But it was a good school, had agood reputation for high
achieving kids.
They had a really good programfor her to go into the med
(10:08):
school program.
It was everything she wanted.
Stephanie Theriault (10:12):
Before Bailey moved to Miami for school
, your family had surprise notso much of a surprise pregnancy
Right.
Tell us about Baylie Baileytook to you being pregnant and
then she was going to be a bigsister.
Shawnee Baker (10:29):
So when I met my husband, scott, he had not
Baylie children.
I met him when I was 39 and heasked me if I would consider
doing it again.
And I mean, I was really takenback at the time and I thought,
oh my gosh, I don't know if Ican, how can I do this?
I felt like I was too old, Ihad missed that opportunity.
But at the same time I was amom.
That was what I did.
(10:49):
I loved being a mother.
Part of me felt like I'd missedout because of having children
so young and my first husbandand his adulterous behavior and
being a single mom at such ayoung age.
I missed out, gosh.
I worked so many hours.
I really didn't get to enjoy mykids when we were young.
(11:10):
So this was an opportunity forme as well and I jumped at it.
I talked to the kids about it.
I talked to Bailey about it andshe was super excited.
She wanted us to have thesekids and she was just so
thrilled that we were going toBaylie to have a family.
So we did IVF and I waspregnant with Savannah when
Bailey was um.
She got her first year as afreshman at the University of
(11:31):
Miami.
Then I was pregnant withSavannah that May, and then
Baylie was that summer she wasgoing back into her sophomore
year that they started life.
Stephanie Theriault (11:49):
So you and I connected through a Facebook
group, Upper East Side Moms, andyou touched upon wanting to
share your story about loss andlife intertwined and how that
presents in women, how traumapresents when we're pregnant and
(12:10):
delivering.
Why do you want to share thatstory and if you could fill us
in with what loss you werehaving as you were going through
bringing new life into theworld.
Shawnee Baker (12:21):
It's interesting because I was a member of the
Upper East Side group and myhusband had lived on the Upper
East Side.
We had been down there.
We spent a lot of our member ofthe Upper East Side group and
my husband had lived on theUpper East Side.
We had been down there.
We spent a lot of our weekendsin the Upper East Side because
my husband had clients in thearea we were working down there.
I met a lot of his clients anda lot of friends.
I started a company.
I left nursing, I left the NICwhen I started a sleep
(12:43):
consulting company and parentcoaching and I was working with
families at the time on theUpper East Side and a lot of my
work was about the reaction ofthe baby when connected to the
mother, so having that sixthsense, if you will, where the
baby picks up on the mother'semotion and can detect anything
(13:06):
that's going on with her.
If mom is having anxiety, thebaby doesn't sleep and we see
this all the time.
But ladies are just so attunedto her in that couplet
relationship.
Then, taking a step back, andthere was actually this
incredible that I took with DrGabor Matt.
That course was on trauma forthe mother during pregnancy and
(13:29):
there's a film called In Uterowhich I don't know if you've
seen, stephanie.
It's fabulous and it's aboutthat baby resting in the
cortisol and the adrenaline ofthat mom and experiencing trauma
in utero.
As the mother was experiencingtrauma, so they did a lot of
film where they had been throughdifficult times and how that
(13:49):
programmed the baby's brain.
So here I was going through thishorrific experience with Bailey
.
We believe she was ruptured.
She got away from them and atthat point was texting her
(14:10):
friends letting her know thatshe couldn't use her phone
anymore.
Something was terribly wrong.
She couldn't figure out how touse the app to order an Uber for
herself, which she had used allday, and she let them know that
the boys really wanted her todrink the water really badly.
They kept pushing her to drinkthe water really badly.
They kept pushing her to drinkthe water.
So through this ordeal, baileyproceeded to walk three miles in
(14:31):
the pouring rain She asked thegirls to send her Baylie help
to come get her.
downtown Miami.
There was no way to send helpfor her.
She said you have to come getme.
But you know, just part of myfoundation is that there was no
way to send her help and we justthat safety net isn't there.
Foundation was that there wasno way to send her help and we
just that safety net isn't there.
There was a preventablesolution but it just wasn't.
(14:54):
It just didn't show up forthose girls or for Bailey.
So they guided her onFriendFinder and followed her
and watched her walk intotraffic where she was hit and
probably sort of died that nightBaylie she was in a coma for
six weeks.
At that time we were on asailboat and we got a call.
We went down to Miami andstayed with Bailey at her
bedside for six horrific weeksof just witnessing her body
(15:15):
going through such horribleprocedures and torturous
recovery, trying to recover andBaylie the end we had to let
Bailey go.
But the trauma that I wasexperiencing as a mom, as a
pregnant mom with my daughterduring these six weeks, watching
this tragedy unfold in front ofme Baylie ultimately losing my
(15:38):
daughter, my mini-me, my bestfriend, my, everything, my whole
world, I was just thrown intothis absolute whirlwind of
emotion, grief, fear,unbelievable fight or flight,
unbelievable just off the chart,the amount of cortisol that I
had surging through me for sixweeks and beyond.
(15:59):
I was really fearful of whatwas happening to my unborn child
.
I was 18 weeks pregnant.
I ended up delivering threemonths after Bailey's funeral,
so the care for me became quiteintensive.
I was having contractionsthroughout all of this because
of the level of stress I wasunder and they felt that Baylie
could possibly lose the baby.
(16:19):
So I was going in for weeklyultrasounds.
I was seeing a fetal medicinespecialist as well as my OB, so
I had three appointments a week.
I also was going in to see apsychiatrist.
They were trying to manage meahead of time, trying to figure
out if one could I cope throughthis grief and trauma while
(16:39):
carrying the baby and what wouldhappen once I delivered,
because they highly anticipatedpostpartum depression and
possibly psychosis.
At that point they put me onmedication.
I was on citalopram, I was onAmbien and then I was actually
on a third medication, which isa post-traumatic stress disorder
, to try to prevent nightmaresand heart palpitations that were
(17:00):
happening, all of which iscontraindicated.
I mean citalopram, yes, butAmbien is contraindicated in
pregnancy, and yet I couldn'tsleep.
I was a mess and so,collectively, the three
physicians agreed that that wasthe better option of all of it.
I mean, they didn't really knowwhat to do with me.
There's not a lot of literatureon that level of stress and
(17:23):
trauma in North America withmoms.
I'm losing my grown child and wewere in the middle of a legal
battle.
We didn't have a healthcareproxy for Bailey so we didn't
By the time we got the orderfrom the police, it was out of
Baylie's blood, so that was verystressful.
the right to advocate for herto have drug testing done to see
if her roofies were in herblood.
We were never able to getjustice because the drug had
(17:49):
dissipated.
We were not able to get medicalrecords to send for a second
opinion because we didn't have aHIPAA waiver or a healthcare
proxy as such.
Bailey had a significantbrainstem injury, for which her
old measures had been taken.
She perhaps should not havelasted six weeks.
We didn't find that out untilwe to BaylieBoston her four
and a half weeks into it, wherethey told us that this bleed was
(18:12):
so bad and they didn't know howthat was missed in Miami.
But it was missed again.
Had we had the paperwork, wewould have been able to get that
second opinion.
We would have known in week onewhere we stood on her prognosis
.
These things compounded thestress of losing my daughter,
the grief.
Welcome to the Maternal Wealth Podcast, a
space for all things related tomaternal health, pregnancy and
beyond.
I'm your host, StephanieTheriault.
I'm a labor and delivery nurseand a mother to three beautiful
boys.
Each week, we dive intoinspiring stories and expert
insights to remind us of thepower that you hold in
childbirth and motherhood.
We're here to explore the joys,the challenges and the
(00:34):
complexities of maternal health.
Every mother's journey isunique and every story deserves
to be told.
Please note that this podcastis for entertainment purposes
only.
It is not intended to replaceprofessional medical advice,
diagnosis or treatment.
Always consult with yourhealthcare provider for medical
guidance that is tailored toyour specific needs.
(00:55):
Are you ready?
Let's get into this week'sepisode.
(01:25):
I want to pause and read anexcerpt from Shawnee's book
titled A True Story (01:25):
A Life Shattered, a Promise Kept, a
Secret Revealed.
Shawnee wrote the boundlesslove I had for my newborns grew
even more enormous as I came toknow Baylie for who she truly
was, not just in her emergingadulthood but in her dying and
death.
I was terrified that theexperience of love loss ever to
(01:46):
love again compromise my ability.
I knew I was being hardened anddesensitized through the pain.
Love would require me to trustmy heart and step into the fire
again.
The challenge was immense, butI would do it for Bailey Baylie
I would give this new baby aspace in my broken heart.
(02:06):
I would get past myself, openmyself up to love once more and
embrace this precious new life.
While I suffered the greatestloss ever, I would love again
because Bailey would want me to.
(02:36):
Shawnee Baker is an inspiringfigure a former NICU nurse,
accomplished author, griefadvocate and the founder of
Bailey's Wish Baylie.
She embodies the roles of amother, daughter, sister, wife,
friend, advocate, healer,fighter and survivor.
Shawnee truly represents theessence of womanhood in all of
(02:56):
its complexity.
In today's discussion, we'llexplore Shawnee's profound
journey through motherhood.
We'll touch on the uniquechallenges she's faced and how
these experiences have shapedher and her family in
transformative ways.
Before we welcome Shawnee, Iwant to remind our listeners
that we will be addressing theheartbreaking loss of Shawnee
daughter, Bailey, a topic thatBaylie deep emotional weight.
(03:17):
Your understanding andcompassion are appreciated as we
navigate this sensitiveconversation.
Join me as I welcome ShawneeBaker to the Maternal Wealth
Podcast.
Welcome.
Shawnee Baker (03:26):
Shani.
Thank you, Stephanie.
What a beautiful introduction.
I feel so honored and humbledto hear you say that I'm honored
to have you here with us today,thank you.
Stephanie Theriault (03:35):
I would love for you to start off and
share with us who was
Shawnee Baker (03:39):
Shani
Stephanie Theriault (03:39):
before you had children and before you
became a mother.
Shawnee Baker (03:42):
I always wanted to be a mother, so I was in a
bit of a hurry to get marriedand have children.
So when I met my first husband,I wasn't even out of college,
yet 17.
And I moved out of my parents'house when I was 19.
I moved in with my boyfriend atthe time.
I was pregnant before I was outof school and I had a baby that
(04:03):
we were married.
I was married before I was outof school and I had a baby that
we were married.
I was married when I was 19.
So that was a bit of a rush.
It's a hard question for me toanswer because I didn't get a
lot of time to be me.
I went from childhood to beinga teenager, to being a mom, just
like that, and I graduated asan RN.
I went back and did apostgraduate program for
(04:26):
neonatal nursing, I worked inthe NICU my whole career and I
had three little babies before Iwas 23.
So that was really the start tomy life was motherhood it's all
I ever wanted, and what Ididn't plan very well was just
how challenging motherhood wouldbe at such a young age and
(04:46):
working full-time hours andtrying to build a life.
Stephanie Theriault (04:50):
You have three children early on
Mackenzie, tristan and Bailey.
Thinking about working timeas a labor and delivery nurse,
welcoming moms who've had twoboys and then a daughter, the
energy is different.
It's warm, it's humbling.
Shawnee Baker (05:11):
I'd I wish it were a more beautiful story than
it is, but my pregnancies werevery easy, very straightforward.
for you to share with us alittle bit about your birth
story when you gave birth toBailey.
Although I did have babiesearly, for the most part they
were complication-free.
I delivered Bailey at 35 weeksand my husband was not Baylie to
attend the delivery.
It was during that time that Idiscovered that he had been
adulterous.
Through the marriage I actuallylearned that my first husband
(05:34):
was a sociopath and throughtherapy a lot of things were
revealed with his mental health.
It turned out that at that timehe had had over five affairs
throughout our marriage and thatI knew out that at that time he
had had over five affairsthroughout our marriage and that
I knew of.
And at that time he was livinga second life.
So I was in labor and he was athis girlfriend's and didn't
(05:54):
show up for the delivery.
He didn't show up until exactlythe delivery.
He knew I was laboring and mychildren were with a neighbor,
and then he showed up at thehospital just right as Bailey
was born and then he left againthe Baylie morning.
I was hoping he would come forthe baby and she was just a
delight.
I mean she was beautiful andeverything I'd ever wanted.
(06:17):
He showed up the next morning,had a quick visit, brought the
boys to me, went and picked themup at the neighbor's and
brought them over and then heleft again.
And he left me in the hospitalto look after the two little
boys who were two and three, andmy newborn.
He left and I couldn't find himand I couldn't get a hold of
him.
And my family was miles away.
(06:37):
We were living in South Texas,we were in San Antonio, my
family was in Toronto and so Ireally didn't have anybody to
call to come and get thechildren.
San Antonio, my family was inToronto and so I really didn't
have anybody to call to come andget the children.
So I ended up having to findout of the hospital discharge
myself, and I left the hospitalthat day at noon and took my
young family home with me andlater discovered all of the
terrible things that had beengoing on with my husband at the
(06:59):
time.
He showed up three days laterback at the house and let me
know that he was leaving, thatthe family thing wasn't for him,
so he left.
When Bailey was six days old, Irebuilt my life.
Stephanie Theriault (07:09):
Often we Baylie about women needing the
village.
We need our village to help usraise our children.
If you could share with us alittle bit about when your
husband left you went back toCanada, where you're originally
from?
Shawnee Baker (07:23):
Yes, how did you use your village when you were
23 years old with three littlekids back, of course, I called
(07:45):
my mother and sister immediatelyand were very supportive of me.
My mom wanted me to come home,bring the kids and come back
home, and I would stay with mymom and dad until I got back on
my feet.
So that's what I did.
I went back to Toronto and Iwas with my mom and dad for
about a month and then I landeda job at the Hospital for Sick
Children in downtown Toronto,which is a world-renowned
(08:06):
hospital.
It's an excellent facility andI was able to get my career back
on track with the help of mymom and my sister and my village
, and start all over again as asingle mom.
Stephanie Theriault (08:17):
Frequently in your book you reflect on the
bond between you and Bailey.
Shawnee Baker (08:28):
Yes.
So Bailey being the youngest ofthe three and the only daughter
, we Baylie a bond like no other.
Bailey was so much like me, butit was really easy for me to
connect with Baylie.
The boys had differentinterests, interests that I
wasn't as familiar with, andBailey ended up being a rider.
I had been an equestrianearlier on, when a Baylie young
was girl, and so we had thatin common.
(08:51):
Bailey wanted to be a doctor, Iwas a NICU nurse.
We had so many things in commonand Baylie along so well.
We were best of friends, and asBailey grew funny because
people would ask Bailey who herbest friend was,, that only
became stronger.
It was kind of funny and shewould say her mom.
People would ask Bailey who herbest friend Baylie and she
would say her mom.
Stephanie Theriault (09:14):
As Bailey grew from what I read in the
book, Baylie as a family, youdecided that she wanted to
attend Baylie in Miami, whichwas far from you.
How was that decision for youas a mom letting your daughter
go when you had such a strongbond?
Shawnee Baker (09:26):
It was extremely difficult, but that was
something she had on her dreamboard.
She wanted to go to theUniversity of Miami.
She had dreamt of that school.
She was a rider.
They had a good equestrian teamand she loved the sun.
She was a beach kid.
She wanted to be on the beachall the time.
I knew that's where she neededto be.
Interestingly, she was acceptedto quite a few schools and she
(09:48):
ended up with a scholarship forthe University of Miami, which
made it even harder to say no to.
So that's where she ended up.
We struggled with it.
We struggled because she wasfar from home.
We struggled because we wereafraid of the dangers in the
city.
But it was a good school, had agood reputation for high
achieving kids.
They had a really good programfor her to go into the med
(10:08):
school program.
It was everything she wanted.
Stephanie Theriault (10:12):
Before Bailey moved to Miami for school
, your family had surprise notso much of a surprise pregnancy
Right.
Tell us about Baylie Baileytook to you being pregnant and
then she was going to be a bigsister.
Shawnee Baker (10:29):
So when I met my husband, scott, he had not
Baylie children.
I met him when I was 39 and heasked me if I would consider
doing it again.
And I mean, I was really takenback at the time and I thought,
oh my gosh, I don't know if Ican, how can I do this?
I felt like I was too old, Ihad missed that opportunity.
But at the same time I was amom.
That was what I did.
(10:49):
I loved being a mother.
Part of me felt like I'd missedout because of having children
so young and my first husbandand his adulterous behavior and
being a single mom at such ayoung age.
I missed out, gosh.
I worked so many hours.
I really didn't get to enjoy mykids when we were young.
(11:10):
So this was an opportunity forme as well and I jumped at it.
I talked to the kids about it.
I talked to Bailey about it andshe was super excited.
She wanted us to have thesekids and she was just so
thrilled that we were going toBaylie to have a family.
So we did IVF and I waspregnant with Savannah when
Bailey was um.
She got her first year as afreshman at the University of
(11:31):
Miami.
Then I was pregnant withSavannah that May, and then
Baylie was that summer she wasgoing back into her sophomore
year that they started life.
Stephanie Theriault (11:49):
So you and I connected through a Facebook
group, Upper East Side Moms, andyou touched upon wanting to
share your story about loss andlife intertwined and how that
presents in women, how traumapresents when we're pregnant and
(12:10):
delivering.
Why do you want to share thatstory and if you could fill us
in with what loss you werehaving as you were going through
bringing new life into theworld.
Shawnee Baker (12:21):
It's interesting because I was a member of the
Upper East Side group and myhusband had lived on the Upper
East Side.
We had been down there.
We spent a lot of our member ofthe Upper East Side group and
my husband had lived on theUpper East Side.
We had been down there.
We spent a lot of our weekendsin the Upper East Side because
my husband had clients in thearea we were working down there.
I met a lot of his clients anda lot of friends.
I started a company.
I left nursing, I left the NICwhen I started a sleep
(12:43):
consulting company and parentcoaching and I was working with
families at the time on theUpper East Side and a lot of my
work was about the reaction ofthe baby when connected to the
mother, so having that sixthsense, if you will, where the
baby picks up on the mother'semotion and can detect anything
(13:06):
that's going on with her.
If mom is having anxiety, thebaby doesn't sleep and we see
this all the time.
But ladies are just so attunedto her in that couplet
relationship.
Then, taking a step back, andthere was actually this
incredible that I took with DrGabor Matt.
That course was on trauma forthe mother during pregnancy and
(13:29):
there's a film called In Uterowhich I don't know if you've
seen, stephanie.
It's fabulous and it's aboutthat baby resting in the
cortisol and the adrenaline ofthat mom and experiencing trauma
in utero.
As the mother was experiencingtrauma, so they did a lot of
film where they had been throughdifficult times and how that
(13:49):
programmed the baby's brain.
So here I was going through thishorrific experience with Bailey
.
We believe she was ruptured.
She got away from them and atthat point was texting her
(14:10):
friends letting her know thatshe couldn't use her phone
anymore.
Something was terribly wrong.
She couldn't figure out how touse the app to order an Uber for
herself, which she had used allday, and she let them know that
the boys really wanted her todrink the water really badly.
They kept pushing her to drinkthe water really badly.
They kept pushing her to drinkthe water.
So through this ordeal, baileyproceeded to walk three miles in
(14:31):
the pouring rain She asked thegirls to send her Baylie help
to come get her.
downtown Miami.
There was no way to send helpfor her.
She said you have to come getme.
But you know, just part of myfoundation is that there was no
way to send her help and we justthat safety net isn't there.
Foundation was that there wasno way to send her help and we
just that safety net isn't there.
There was a preventablesolution but it just wasn't.
(14:54):
It just didn't show up forthose girls or for Bailey.
So they guided her onFriendFinder and followed her
and watched her walk intotraffic where she was hit and
probably sort of died that nightBaylie she was in a coma for
six weeks.
At that time we were on asailboat and we got a call.
We went down to Miami andstayed with Bailey at her
bedside for six horrific weeksof just witnessing her body
(15:15):
going through such horribleprocedures and torturous
recovery, trying to recover andBaylie the end we had to let
Bailey go.
But the trauma that I wasexperiencing as a mom, as a
pregnant mom with my daughterduring these six weeks, watching
this tragedy unfold in front ofme Baylie ultimately losing my
(15:38):
daughter, my mini-me, my bestfriend, my, everything, my whole
world, I was just thrown intothis absolute whirlwind of
emotion, grief, fear,unbelievable fight or flight,
unbelievable just off the chart,the amount of cortisol that I
had surging through me for sixweeks and beyond.
(15:59):
I was really fearful of whatwas happening to my unborn child
.
I was 18 weeks pregnant.
I ended up delivering threemonths after Bailey's funeral,
so the care for me became quiteintensive.
I was having contractionsthroughout all of this because
of the level of stress I wasunder and they felt that Baylie
could possibly lose the baby.
(16:19):
So I was going in for weeklyultrasounds.
I was seeing a fetal medicinespecialist as well as my OB, so
I had three appointments a week.
I also was going in to see apsychiatrist.
They were trying to manage meahead of time, trying to figure
out if one could I cope throughthis grief and trauma while
(16:39):
carrying the baby and what wouldhappen once I delivered,
because they highly anticipatedpostpartum depression and
possibly psychosis.
At that point they put me onmedication.
I was on citalopram, I was onAmbien and then I was actually
on a third medication, which isa post-traumatic stress disorder
, to try to prevent nightmaresand heart palpitations that were
(17:00):
happening, all of which iscontraindicated.
I mean citalopram, yes, butAmbien is contraindicated in
pregnancy, and yet I couldn'tsleep.
I was a mess and so,collectively, the three
physicians agreed that that wasthe better option of all of it.
I mean, they didn't really knowwhat to do with me.
There's not a lot of literatureon that level of stress and
(17:23):
trauma in North America withmoms.
I'm losing my grown child and wewere in the middle of a legal
battle.
We didn't have a healthcareproxy for Bailey so we didn't
By the time we got the orderfrom the police, it was out of
Baylie's blood, so that was verystressful.
the right to advocate for herto have drug testing done to see
if her roofies were in herblood.
We were never able to getjustice because the drug had
(17:49):
dissipated.
We were not able to get medicalrecords to send for a second
opinion because we didn't have aHIPAA waiver or a healthcare
proxy as such.
Bailey had a significantbrainstem injury, for which her
old measures had been taken.
She perhaps should not havelasted six weeks.
We didn't find that out untilwe to BaylieBoston her four
and a half weeks into it, wherethey told us that this bleed was
(18:12):
so bad and they didn't know howthat was missed in Miami.
But it was missed again.
Had we had the paperwork, wewould have been able to get that
second opinion.
We would have known in week onewhere we stood on her prognosis
.
These things compounded thestress of losing my daughter,
the grief.
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