Episode 1

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Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_01 (00:00):
Hey guys, welcome to the um mental mentality podcast.

(00:04):
Uh I'm Patrick Murakami.
I'm Brandon Hickman.
And guys, this is our uh I don'tknow if we call this our pilot
episode, but you know, this hasbeen something that has been in
the works for a long time.
I'm really excited.
Um, I know if there's alwayssome tech stuff when you're
trying to get set up, and itseems like everything tries to

(00:24):
keep you down when you first getstarted.
But part of that is kind of likethe whole reason why we started
this, you know.
So why don't you kick us off andjust kind of talk about how kind
of this came to be and reallywhat the expectation is for
people who are going to tune in?

SPEAKER_00 (00:37):
Yeah, sure.
Uh, you know, Patrick, I think,you know, we bet we met
ourselves through business.
Obviously, we do a lot of worktogether and we just grew a
friendship up from there.
And um, you know, learning yourstory and then you learning my
story.
And I honestly don't even thinkwe touched the surface of what
you and I even went through.
But, you know, when we decidedto do this, which has been six

(00:57):
months, a year, however longwe've talked about doing this,
you know, when our familiesfinally sat down and was like,
hey, let's let's let's do this,it just really gave me us an
opportunity to share ourstories, but then also not just
in the mental mentality part ofthings, but also in the
entrepreneurship side of things,um, being a father, being

(01:21):
business owners, uh runningthrough that with mental
illnesses or or um justday-to-day problems that
everybody does have, but theystay silent in it typically,
right?
Especially the men's side ofthings, because that's the
stigma.
But, you know, everything cametogether so organically.
I don't think we forcedanything.
I don't think we tried to ummake this something it wasn't

(01:45):
gonna be.
It just came together soperfectly and so easily that I
just, you know, it just, I mean,obviously there was some work,
there was some tech stuff thatwe went through today, and it
took a lot of time to set up,but you know, we had to buy some
stuff.
But regardless, here we are.
And um, you know, I think thisis gonna be good.
But as far as expectation goes,I mean, I just think the average
man or woman, I mean, I don'tthink this necessarily has to be

(02:06):
just uh just a men's thing.
I think I think women are gonnatune into here on how their
husbands or their boyfriends ortheir sons, even or whatever,
you know, or even themselves.
I mean, there's stuff that we'regonna talk about in this podcast
that are going to hit the heartsof a lot of people, including
the women, you know, as far asthe mental mentality part, you
know, that idea came to me fromyou know the men, the men part

(02:29):
of each word.
And I just know if there wassomething that I could tune into
when I was going through mydarkest times like this, I think
my uh recovery would have beenfaster, if you will.
Right.

(02:50):
And then trying to run abusiness, trying to pay the
bills, trying to be a goodhusband, you know, all that
stuff, man.
It just it adds up, and I justdidn't have an outlet for it.

SPEAKER_01 (02:59):
Yeah, and so before we kind of dive in, I I do want
to say this, right?
You you know, I ran a podcastbefore, I had guested on over 50
episodes, I had hosted over 200episodes, you know, in various
platforms.
I used to live stream on Twitch,and I thought I was done with
all of that.
But when we talked about this,there was no resistance, it was

(03:20):
like, yes, you need to do thisbecause you have the story, you
have, you know, you've come fromto showcase what you've been
through.
So what I loved is that, likeyou said, coming through it
organically and that there wasno force.
And again, I I got reallyexcited about the idea of
running a podcast again, uh,because I got so burnt out on it

(03:43):
before that I was kind of like,I don't know if I would do that
again.
Sure, you know, so I'm reallyexcited about that.
Um, you know, you touched onthat, you know, this is gonna
have impact on a lot of people,and like again, you know, just
in talking about this, you know,so many people were excited, so
many people were wereinterested.
And so, you know, I do want usto go into kind of sharing some

(04:07):
of that stuff so we can getreally into it, but I also want
to set the expectation forpeople that like it's not always
gonna be emotionally intensive,sure, right?
Sometimes it will be some of it.
I mean, you know, this is kindof our opportunity to kind of
get stuff out, and so justbecause we're saying the stuff
and because it's fresh to usdoesn't mean it's always gonna

(04:27):
resonate with everyone, andthat's okay.
But what we do want people toknow is that this is coming from
a place of honesty, this iscoming from a perspective of us
of where we're what we'redealing with and what we're
seeing, and so like one of thethings that I want to bring up
and address really immediatelyis that like for women
entrepreneurs, there are so muchsupport, right?

(04:51):
And for men entrepreneurs, likethere's support if you go to a
networking group, right, or forthe circle that around you, but
the minute that something goeswrong, there's no support for
men entrepreneurs, right?
Female entrepreneurs can talkabout that.
Part of it's because we don'ttalk about the problems and the
things that we're sufferingthrough.
And again, a lot of businessowners don't talk about those

(05:12):
things anyway, right?
But especially men.

SPEAKER_00 (05:15):
Yeah.
Yeah, for sure.
I mean, great point, dude.
I mean, you know, for myselftoo, I mean, I didn't realize
how many.
I mean, there's a lot of thingsthat I stay silent in in my
business because I don't try andstress out my employees.
I try not to bring it home andstress out my wife, and you
know, rather we have a$2,000week or we have a$20,000 week.
You know, I try and just kind ofkeep all that to myself.

(05:36):
And I just not because Inecessarily am struggling with
it, because business has itspeaks and valleys and it always
will, and money will come and goas it comes.
But, you know, as I talk toother men specifically, um,
they're like, oh, dude, I'mgoing through the same thing,
man.
There's$20,000 in the bankaccount on Monday and it's

(05:57):
Friday, and now there's$4,000 inthe bank account, you know?
So it's not, but you'reabsolutely right.
I mean, I think as far as womenentrepreneurs go, they're a lot
more, it's a lot more freeingfor them to have conversations
within not just like, I don'twant to say like a group or like
a like a like a what is thatword?
They can confide into eachother.

(06:18):
Yeah, for sure.
And I feel like we can do thatas men too, but I also feel like
um what's the word I'm trying tosay?
Not tribal, but like communal,community.

SPEAKER_01 (06:39):
Help me out here.

SPEAKER_00 (06:40):
No, um like you're like back in the day, like you
pick pick your pick yourself upby the bootstraps mentality.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And you just keep going nomatter what it is.
You can't quit.
You gotta keep going.
You got family to feed, peopleare hungry, and you know,
whatever, you know.

SPEAKER_01 (06:56):
So throw some dirt on it.
Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 (06:59):
Yeah, for sure.
But yeah, I mean, and and youtouched on this always not being
an emotional intent, dude.
I mean, I want to have we'regonna have fun with this.
We're gonna have guests on hereat some point, um, different
different entrepreneurs,different business owners,
different mental mentalities,meant different mental
illnesses, and how they overcomeand their recovery and how they

(07:21):
did it.
And yeah, sure, all that's gonnabe some of it's gonna be
emotionally intensive, but alsolike we're here to have fun,
man.
I don't want this to be uh, youknow, you said you were burnt
out, like I don't want that.
Like I want to be, I was excitedto come here today.
Yeah, and then after the heatand like all the setup, I was
like, oh man, what are we doing?
But no, we got it all set up,we're good, but yeah, so that's

(07:42):
where I'm at.

SPEAKER_01 (07:42):
Yeah, for sure.
So let's kind of just dive rightin, you know.
Um I'm sure that you have peoplewho are tuning in, and a lot of
them, you know, obviouslythere's huge support for this,
but let's talk about kind ofyour story.

SPEAKER_00 (08:00):
Sure.

SPEAKER_01 (08:01):
And ultimately, maybe then we'll kind of give
some insights to why this is soimportant.
And again, we it's it's a weirdspot that we're in because while
we have more awareness thanwe've ever had, we have more
resources, it still feels verytaboo to talk about mental
health, especially for men.

SPEAKER_00 (08:19):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 (08:20):
Um, to to talk about therapy, to talk about your
emotions, you know, all thosedifferent things.
And so, you know, why don't youshare kind of what led you, um,
what you've gone throughessentially, and then you know,
keep in mind, you know, guys, asyou're listening, that we're
throwing in entrepreneurientrepreneurship as a business

(08:42):
owner.
You're throwing in being afather, a son, and again, moms,
yes, there are plenty of singlemoms that do a lot of this, wear
a lot of different hats, a lotof dads, single dads who wear
the same different hats.
So it's not a comparison game,but we just want you to give you
some insights as to kind of whatled us to get here.

SPEAKER_00 (09:00):
Yeah, for sure.
Yeah, man.
I mean, you know, I was, youknow, growing up, going into my
early 20s.
I was just grinding, dude.
I was just doing job after job.
I was working 20 hour days, youknow, I was doing I was drinking
six or seven energy drinks aday, you know, just trying to

(09:22):
just make it work, dude.
And I had this horriblementality with like money, and I
was always like in this likemindset of lack.
And just everything.
I just I just felt like I wasvery confident, but also kind of
like behind the scenes I wasfalling apart, right?

(09:44):
And I and I know that's suchlike cliche to say like
everybody knew, you know, I Iseemed like I was okay, but
behind the scenes I wasn't.
Like it wasn't necessarily likethat because I didn't even know
what was I didn't know what washappening to me until it
happened to me, right?
But it led up so fast, and um Iguess it didn't lead up so fast.

(10:05):
It did it definitely took histime, but it just everything
piled on top of each other, andthen eventually my brain just
broke.
You know, that's that's the onlyway I can describe it is my
brain broke.
And there's other reasons why Ithink that happened, but I'll
get I'll get into that later.
I want to kind of just gothrough the main events of the
story of what happened, but youknow, working 20-hour days, you

(10:27):
know, my wife at the time hadsevere depression, so she wasn't
working.
It was very um, and I didn'tknow how to love her through
that at the time.
So I just I fixed my emotions onbeing angry with her and being
resentful towards her.
So, you know, I had resentmentat home, I had anger at home, I

(10:50):
would go to work, I'd bestressed out all day because I
wasn't making enough money.
I knew that, which is so funnybecause my bills now are so much
more than they were 10 yearsago, and I just feel a lot more
freer now, you know.
So, but you know, as far as allthat stuff leading up working,
the energy drinks, thecigarettes, the weed, like
everything just kind of justpiled up, right?

(11:10):
And it kept piling up.
And I started getting thesechest pains, dude.
And I didn't know what they werecoming from, I didn't know why
it was happening, and I startedfreaking myself out, went to the
doctor, went and sought acardiologist, and I created this
like hypochondria mindset in mymind that everything was, you
know, something was wrong withme, right?
Like, and and and the doctorswere wrong.

(11:32):
I knew something was wrong, andit was anxiety, and that's
exactly what the doctors weretelling me.
Yeah, and eventually, you know,I was having I was having panic
attacks all day, every day,five, six, seven panic attacks a
day, wasn't able to sleep.
Um, you know, we talked aboutinsomnia earlier, and that was

(11:53):
definitely like a time in mylife where I just wasn't fucking
sleeping.
Right.
And I was just staying awake allnight long, knowing that my
household was asleep and that Icould possibly die right now,
and no one would ever know untilI woke up in the morning, until
they woke up in the morning,right?
From a heart attack or likewhich eventually I convinced
myself that I was havingstrokes.
I was convincing myself that Iwas having MS.

(12:14):
I was convincing myself that Iwas um creating this disease
that no one ever heard of.
You know, I started creatingthings, and dude, our thoughts,
man, like our thoughts createour reality in some type of way,
I believe.
And I just think that it juststarted, it just started
spiraling downhill.
And then one day, dude, we wereall sitting at Papa Doe's up in

(12:36):
Denver, having crab legs, and Ihad a panic attack.
Okay.
So I went in the bathroom, dude.
I tried to shake it off, threwup in the bathroom, like went
back, like obviously went backto the table and was trying to
just be normal, but I justcouldn't, dude.
And I was like, man, I justcan't shake this.
So we get home, trying tounravel, trying to figure out

(13:00):
what was going on.
And that's what I think washappening too, is my brain was
trying to figure out what wasgoing wrong because that's what
our brains do, they solveproblems, right?
And it just couldn't figure outwhat was going on.
And I was like, okay, let mejust try and go to sleep.
And it just it, I always tellpeople I had a panic attack that
never went away.
I lived in this panic for twoyears, and every day and all

(13:22):
night, as soon as like I wouldget like two or three hours of
sleep, but I would have to takeXanax to do it because it would
just calm my mind, it would beable, I would be able to kind of
just drift off.
But then I would wake up andimmediately I would feel exactly
what I felt the night before.

SPEAKER_02 (13:38):
Sure.

SPEAKER_00 (13:39):
And there are so many mornings I woke up and I
was like, man, I just can't waitto get back in this bed because
it was my safe place, but also Istill had a job to do and I
still had a family to support.
Right.
And at the time I didn't have asmany kids as I had now.
I had one kid, she was fiveyears old, and when I had this
nervous breakdown or whatever,you know, my wife wasn't
working.

SPEAKER_01 (13:59):
Um you didn't have the luxury to deal with it.

SPEAKER_00 (14:03):
I just didn't exactly like I just couldn't I
just couldn't stop grindingbecause of how I felt.
And you know, I never I canhonestly say, like, I never
actually wanted to commitsuicide, but I understood why
people do it.
But I also at the time read thata lot of hypochondriacs actually

(14:27):
are so in love with life, andthat's why they didn't want to.
That's you know, that's a a lotof those anyway, a lot of them.
So I think I I live I lived inthat category where I was in
love with life, but I was goingthrough this thing that I
couldn't get out of.
And there were times where I wasjust like, man, I I get why

(14:51):
death is the only way out ofthis.
And you know, going through whatI went through opened up my eyes
in a lot of different ways thatI'll get into a little bit
later.
But I mean, that was basically,and after those two years, man,
it was like after I realized,like, okay, it's been two years,

(15:12):
I'm not dead, I still have thismindset of something's wrong
with me.
And just like the brain fog allday, every day.
And what I mean by sometimesthey're like, what do you mean
your brain's foggy?
Like, I don't like there's somepeople out there that don't know
what that means, and it just itit just feels like there's a
cloud over all your thoughts,like you just feel very cloudy,

(15:35):
right?
Like, I don't know how would youexplain brain fog to somebody?

SPEAKER_01 (15:40):
I think it's just um you think of it kind of like a
like a plumbing system, right?
Sure, you have all thesethoughts, and when you process
and and you formulated, theycome out of your mouth, right?
But that brain fog kind ofclogs, and so none of those
ideas come out, sure, nothingcomes out the way that you want
it to, or the way that youenvision because of that clog.

SPEAKER_00 (16:00):
Yeah, and totally, and you know, on top of that,
dude, I was like all my muscletension and from the panic
attacks and always being infight or flight mode.
I I think my body like naturallywent into this like fetal
position, even when I was up anddoing things about, right?
And I just, dude, like I said,man, there were so many days I

(16:23):
woke up and I was like, I justcan't wait to get back home.
And then even when I got home,dude, it was just still panic
mode.
Like I wasn't present as afather, I wasn't present as a
husband, I wasn't able to lovemy wife through what she was
going through.
And and but like I said, afterthe two years, and I was like,
dude, I'm not not dying, butthere's gotta be a way out of
this, right?
And so I started doing researchon how to rewire your brain, and

(16:48):
it didn't happen overnight.
And I read a lot of books, youknow, Dr.
Joe Dispenza, Carolyn Leaf, youknow, people like that that have
done it and have taught otherpeople how to do it.
I just started diving in, bro.
I was reading all the time, andit's like almost became it
didn't almost it becameobsessive.
Like my condition became like anOCD, like it was a disorder for

(17:10):
sure.
Like my wife was like, dude, areyou on Google again?
I'm like, yes, I'm like, this,this is what I'm feeling this
time, and it was alwayssomething different, right?
Like one day it was my head, oneday it was my stomach, one day
it was brain fog, one day it wasall of it, one day I felt like I
was dying.
Like the only way I can describelike the the the feeling that my
body felt is like you ever youever get the shit scared out of

(17:33):
you, and like you like have thatpanic for like a split second,
and then your body kind ofrecovers.
I just felt like that all thetime.
I just felt scared, yeah.
But of nothing, right?
But of something, yeah, youknow.
So I just, you know, down thoseroads, dude.
I mean, this is year seven, andafter this nervous breakdown

(17:55):
happened, and it's taken me along time to get to where I'm
at, and I'm still not perfect.
I still have my bad days, Istill have my moments where I
don't feel good.
I still have um, you know, Istill get daily headaches, but I
think it's all from the tension.
But as my body started to learn,like, okay, we're safe, like
we're good.
This is just something we'regoing through right now.

(18:18):
It started, everything startedto diminish very slowly.
Yeah.
And at the end of the day, dude,I just think I went through
something that I was supposed togo through to change me into the
person that I am today.
And I think that's a that's abig thing that a lot of people
don't realize is you're notsick, man.
You're just you're transforminginto something else.

(18:38):
Yeah and you're shedding yourego, you're shedding all of your
beliefs that you had from themoment you were born to the
moment of this breakdown, andyou're shedding all those
beliefs that no longer serveyou.
And that's it's like beingburied alive but still
breathing, right?
Like that's the only way that Ican describe it is that I was

(19:02):
buried alive, dude, and I Ididn't know how to get out of
it, and I was stuck, and theonly way out of it was through
it.
And now that I'm on the otherside of it, man, dude, life is
so much more beautiful than itever has been.

SPEAKER_01 (19:14):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 (19:14):
So, I mean, that's pretty much it, dude.
I mean, there's a lot more thatI can go into that I think we
can get into other episodes, butthat's the that's the main Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 (19:25):
Well, and there's a couple of things in there that I
wanted to kind of circle backto, right?
Um you talked about theisolation piece, right?
And the insomnia piece.
And I I truly believe that weare designed for connection.

SPEAKER_00 (19:43):
Sure.

SPEAKER_01 (19:44):
And so the worst thing, and I noticed this with
me um with the the suicide,right, is what at my most
vulnerable moments was when Iwas alone.
When I couldn't talk tosomebody.
I remember even if there wassomeone random on Facebook, then
they're just on my friends list,I would message people.

(20:05):
And I think that was my cry forhelp.
But there, if nobody wasavailable, it was just me and my
thoughts, which is kind of theworst, right?
Because we're our our own worstenemy, but the human spirit is
also kind of our biggest uhsupporter when we need it the
most.
It's very weird.
Sure.
Um, but it's also a verybeautiful thing because of the

(20:26):
things that I've done, right?
Having to cross the line uh thatmost people would wouldn't dare,
right?
Um, for the longest time it waslike this mark of shame.
Like people walked around and Ifelt like that they were kind of
doing this, right?
They're giving me the cross,like, oh my god, I don't want to
catch the suicides.

SPEAKER_00 (20:42):
Right, yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_01 (20:43):
You know, but it's what's interesting is that like
now I can go back to it and Iand I I refer to it as like the
beautiful struggle.
And people who are going throughpain don't understand that, but
there is a whole nother life onwaiting for you on the other
side.
And then it's weird to say thatbecause people can't see beyond

(21:04):
like the fog that they're goingthrough, or they they can't see
beyond this darkness, there's nolight for them.
And I remember plotting, Iremember figuring out like, man,
how do I make this look like anaccident?
Man, who am I gonna leave thesethings uh to?
Who is gonna who can I make hurtthe least through this process?
But to come through all of thatand and really get really

(21:25):
intricate, get really detailedto basically say, Hey, I want
you, you know, and it's like inyour mind, you're like, okay,
who's likely to find this?
How can I make it so someoneelse finds it?
And then it, you know, and thenyou start thinking, like, man,
who's gonna show up to myfuneral?
Yeah, for sure.
Is my father gonna realize thenthat maybe he's proud of me at
that point, or or is he gonnahave any remorse?

(21:46):
You know, and then you justthink of all these things,
right?
And it and it just like then itbecomes pressure, right?
And it's like, well, shit, Icouldn't deal with the pressure
with all this.
What makes me think I can dealwith the pressure of of leaving
this behind?
And it just adds.
And when you actually attemptsuicide, and then you realize
that you failed, then you'relike, Man, I couldn't even

(22:10):
accomplish the one thing that Ithought would fix all of this.

SPEAKER_02 (22:13):
Right.

SPEAKER_01 (22:13):
Now I'm even a bigger fucking loser because I
couldn't even do that now.
Sure.
And I have the shame on top ofit, and now people look at me,
and so it's like, what the hellam I gonna do now?
Because if I couldn't do thatand I'm still here, maybe I'm
just made to suffer.
And that's like the ultimatedarkness, man.

(22:35):
Like, where do I go from herebecause I can't even complete
the one thing that I thought wasgonna fix it all.

SPEAKER_00 (22:40):
Right.
Yeah, that t yeah.
That's crazy.
Yeah, as far as the isolationpiece, man, you're absolutely
right.
I mean, you sitting alone withyour thoughts is absolutely the
worst.
I think my you know, I think mysituation was a little bit it's
I feel like it's different frommost because I had such a I had
such a big support system.
You know, I had a wife thatloved me, I had a mom that loved

(23:03):
me, a family that loved me, andand I would talk, but you know,
you're right, when I was aloneat nighttime and everybody else
was asleep, and I would I wouldhave a I would have a panic
attack in silence.
And there were times I wouldwake up my wife and be like,
hey, like I don't feel good,like I feel like I'm having a
panic attack, like I don't know,like and she would sit with me,

(23:25):
but then I would feel bad,keeping her up because she's got
shit to do tomorrow, you know,she's got a kid to raise too
tomorrow, and you know, shedoesn't feel good herself, but
I'm so wrapped up in isolation,even though I had a really big
support system.
Like I said, dude, there wasjust no way out of it.
And the isolation piece I feltisolated all the time.

(23:47):
And I think that was on purpose.
And I just felt like somethingneeded to be shed it needed to
be shedded from me to be able tocome out on the other side.
But dude, I remember sitting atnighttime, man, just either they
were dreams or daydreaming orwhatever.
I don't remember, but there wastimes where I would wake up

(24:10):
sweating because I just had adream or I convinced myself that
I sh I I shot myself.
Like it was a weird, but I wouldbut like I said, I never like
internally like planned asuicide, I never planned to kill
myself.
I didn't want to leave theearth.
I wanted to be I just wanted tobe better.
I just wanted to feel like Iused to feel.

(24:31):
And but there were dreams whereI would I would see myself
blasting myself and I would wakeup and like, no, that's not what
I want, but like that's whatlike I maybe that was just my
subconscious being like, heyman, like this is like we're
talking about death here, andthis is what you're feeling

(24:52):
every day, right?
But then absolutely, the howwho's gonna show up to my
funeral, who am I gonna leavebehind?
Who's gonna be sad?

SPEAKER_01 (24:58):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 (24:59):
Um, who's gonna be happy, which is a weird thought
to think, right?
Like, who's gonna be happy thatI'm gone?
I don't who knows, but yeah,you're absolutely right.

SPEAKER_01 (25:07):
Yeah.
Well, and it's crazy when yourealize that suffering has no
bias.
Yeah, right.
Um, and the sad part, again,part of this is the isolation,
is that most of us just sufferin silence because it's taboo to
talk about these thoughts.
It's God, if somebody knows whatI'm actually thinking, they're
gonna judge me instead ofthey're gonna want to help me.

SPEAKER_00 (25:28):
Yeah, right.

SPEAKER_01 (25:29):
For sure.
And that's part of that is theunbalance of the timeline that
we grew up in, right?
And so, you know, it's not justmen who are like told rub dirt
on it.
I mean, women were told, youknow, be a lady, don't show
anger.

SPEAKER_02 (25:42):
Yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_01 (25:43):
And so no wonder we have zero balance.
And so, how can we talk aboutbeing balanced people when we've
grown up unbalanced with the waythat we were taught?

SPEAKER_00 (25:52):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 (25:52):
And then we have to turn around and say, Oh, yeah,
I'm gonna be a better parentthan what I was given.
But a lot of times it's the samecycles because we don't ever
break them because we don't everrecognize that that was a
problem.

SPEAKER_00 (26:04):
Yeah.
Well, how about like how manypeople are walking around this
earth not self-aware?
Most people, right?
Like, I would say most peopleare just out there reacting to
everything.
Yeah, they're not self-aware oftheir thoughts, they're not
self-aware of how they'recommunicating to people, they're
not self-aware of how they'recoming across to people, and

(26:25):
they lay their head down atnight and they don't lose.
I mean, they might lose an inchof sleep, but like a lot of
them, they just that's just theway they think that they are.
That's just the way that theythink that they're programmed
and that's how they live.
But then also, how many peopledon't realize that your thoughts
are not a part of you?
You're just observing them.
That you know, that was a mainthing for me is that I'm I'm

(26:47):
thinking all these things, so Imust want to do these things, or
I it must be real, or it must bethe truth.
In reality, we have 60, 70,000thoughts a day, and 90% of those
are the same thoughts we hadyesterday.

SPEAKER_01 (26:59):
80% of what we say is actually regurgitated from
other people.
Yeah, for sure.
Right.
And so I use this example allthe time.
Like I was at work and I toldthis guy, Oh, I went to go see
the new It movie.
And he was like, Oh, was itscary?
And I was like, Yeah, I guess itwas, right?
So then the next time I go totell somebody, I was like, Yeah,
I went to go see the new Itmovie, it was pretty scary.

(27:21):
And someone's like, Oh, what wasreally scary about it?
And the next person says, Oh, Ididn't think it was that scary.
So then now I'm like, have toformulate this opinion.
Was it scary?
Was it not scary?
And so the next person I choose,then it becomes a formulated
opinion, right?
Or then maybe it comes whereit's regurgitated a little bit
of both.
Hey, I went to go see the new itscary parts of it were kind of

(27:42):
scary, but overall it wasn'tscary, right?

SPEAKER_00 (27:44):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 (27:44):
It's weird how we just literally repeat and
regurgitate what other peopleare saying.
But if you listen toconversations, if you look at it
statistically, a lot of thestuff that we say is literally
just regurgitation of whatsomebody else said.
So then you realize that maybethe thoughts that we put out are
just repeat processes ofsomething that somebody else is
saying or what they're learning.
Um, I have a friend whobasically he loves attending

(28:07):
trainings, he loves mentalitystuff, but he gets fixated on
that one person that taught him,and then he goes and follows and
he's regurgitating everythingthat that one person says
instead of trying to combine allthe things that he's learned.
You know, so it is a weirdprocess in the human psyche.
Um and it's you know, part of itis like I know that people are
just trying to process and getthrough day-to-day, right?

(28:29):
So it's easier to just go withthe flow, but it's also a very
dangerous game to play becausethen at one point, like you
said, that shedding of your ego,that shedding of basically
becoming your own person, that'sa hard line to walk through.
I tell people the hardest thingI ever had to do was face
myself, look myself in themirror, and say, You're a decent

(28:53):
person, you deserve to live, youdeserve happiness.
I'm like, I I just try to killmyself.
How can I find that?
You know, and so when you thinkof all the things that are
there, there's so many layers,there's so many different
things, and we just never knowwhat people are going through.
But it's easy to judge, but wealso know most of the people
when they're judging, it'sbasically because they're
putting out and they're judgingall the worst parts of

(29:15):
themselves.

SPEAKER_00 (29:16):
Yeah, for sure.
I think a lot of people theyjust don't know, dude.
They just don't know.
Like it's they don't know whythey are the way that they are.
They never they never try toretract and heal whatever
happened in their trauma hood ortheir trauma or their childhood
or whatever trauma happened whenthey were a teenager or an adult

(29:37):
or whatever, you know.
Usually some hurt people hurtpeople, right?

SPEAKER_01 (29:41):
So let it be known, healed people also healed
people.

SPEAKER_00 (29:45):
Yeah, absolutely for sure, dude.
And I think that's thetransformation, right?
Is that you know, the the heavenand hell part of things, like
you know, it's like where iswhere that there's that line
where you're Right.
I mean, heal people do healpeople, and and and it, but
there's a transformation thatcan happen from being hurt to

(30:06):
being healed and being able todo what you and I are trying to
do and help people through thistransformation or this shedding.
Uh I mean, you know, people useanimals all the time, like a
snake shedding his skin or acaterpillar going into his
cocoon, like all that's painful.
Right.
You know, I don't know how muchof how much painful a snake is

(30:26):
shedding, you might know, but asfar as like I know a sunburn
hurts like hell, so like right,like a caterpillar becoming a
butterfly apparently is likereally excruciating,
excruciating, right?
So but yeah, dude, I mean I justthink that people are so and it

(30:46):
this all really helped me learnthat it just made me more
compassionate, right?
And I'm sure the same for youtoo, but it also made me
understand that like, oh, youare the way that the you are
because of something thathappened to you or something
that you're going through.
It's not necessarily you're notmad at me because I have to redo
your window tent because of adust particle in there.

(31:08):
I was just the last strawbecause you're picking up on the
last day.
You might have had a shitty day,you had a shitty week, shitty
month, shitty year, whatever.
And I'm just the person that wasthe easiest to blow up on.

SPEAKER_02 (31:18):
Right.

SPEAKER_00 (31:18):
Because it really at the end of the day isn't that
big of a deal.
Takes me 30 minutes, I'll do it.
And it's happened numerousaround times.
And as I grow, I just, dude, youknow what, man?
I'm gonna take care of it foryou.
I love you anyway.
Yeah, you know, and I think thatis where if we can get the world
to map the mentality of likeeverybody's going through shit,

(31:40):
but if we can just love peoplethrough it instead of judging
them and expecting I think a lotmore people will come out on the
other side without having thedeath part of things.
Yeah, right.

SPEAKER_01 (31:54):
And it's a it's an interesting spot to be in,
right?
Because the world judges, socialmedia teaches us to judge,
right?
Um and the internet was the thebest and the worst thing, right?
It's a double-edged sword togive people a free voice without
accountability.
But also at the same time,people at the end of the day,

(32:17):
like I said, you know, we cravethe ability to connect.
We want to be able tocommunicate, to be able to have
somebody that we can call afriend or a lover or whatever,
right?
We want compatibility, we wantto be able to have um
companionship in some way,shape, or form.
But it's interesting because,especially now with AI, it's

(32:41):
getting to this point wherepeople are disconnecting from
each other and they'reconnecting more on the online or
the digital uh realm, which is adangerous game to play in
itself.
So it is kind of interestingtimeline where we're at with
again having more access toresources and having stuff stuff
like where AI could be acompanion, but also at the same

(33:03):
time you're disconnecting morefrom the real world, you know.
So it's a weird time that and aweird place to be in right now.

SPEAKER_00 (33:08):
Yeah, dude, and it's happening really fast.
You know, when the internet cameout, they didn't know how fast
it was gonna grow.
And I think we're in the samespot now is that people just
don't know how fast AI is gonnagrow.
But what we were talking aboutearlier, dude, people making
money off feet picks from noteven their own feet, their AI
made-up feet, you know, and justyou're absolutely right, dude.

(33:31):
Like, you have to be pretty, youhave to do this, you have to do
that, you have to have six-packabs to be, and a pretty girl
with big boobs and and and anice ass or whatever, you know.
And that I see it in mydaughter, you know, my daughters
where I'm like, dude, like yougotta stop.
But like, also, how do you stop?
Like, this is just the world yougrew up in.

(33:51):
You and I were able to grow upin a world where we saw it
before it happened.
Yeah, like we lived it beforeall the technology and all the
shit happened.
Yeah, so I think for us it's alot easier to shut that off if
we need to, but with them, dude,it's I mean, I'm sure it's the
same with Maddox too, man.
Like it's like always in theirface all the time, every day.

SPEAKER_01 (34:10):
Yeah, we grew up in a timeline where there were ugly
ducklings that turned intobeautiful swans, right?
Sure.
These kids, they know no ideawhat an ugly duckling could be
become someday, right?
Yeah, just you're either ugly oryou're not to them.
Yeah, it's so weird.

SPEAKER_00 (34:24):
Yeah.
But like, how many how manygirls do you see walking around?
Like, does anybody go through anugly phase anymore?
That's what I'm saying.
You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_01 (34:34):
Like, yeah, that's that was my whole point.
Like, we we knew that you know,the girl who is kind of like
maybe shy, she didn't wearmakeup, or you know, just we
knew at some point that you knowsome of the ugly girls could
become beautiful, right?
Yeah, sure.
Um, but nowadays it's likethere's no such thing.
Like you you're born into it,you're uh you do everything you
can from a young age, and you'renot you've never been ugly,

(34:56):
right?
Yeah, and that's a weird conceptas I think about it, because I'm
like, man, everybody always hada chance, right?
There's and now it's like nobodyhas a chance, or everybody has a
chance, depending on how youlook at it.
It's so weird.

SPEAKER_00 (35:10):
Yeah, definitely.
Yeah, it's we live in somestrange times, man.
It's like the best and the worsttime to live in for sure.

SPEAKER_01 (35:17):
Absolutely.
Like, and I think about this forlike, you know, my son, like
he's sitting there and we wentto um a beach in Los Angeles,
and you know, LA, everybody'sdolled up or whatever.
We're going to the beach, andyou know, we're joking around
about like him seeing cake andall this stuff, right?
And we came back and he's like,Yeah, I saw a lot of it.

(35:39):
And and his mom was like, You'relucky you were in LA because if
we were like in Missouri orsomething, who knows what you
would have seen, you know.
Um don't get mad, Missouri.
Come on now.
But you know, the idea really isjust like it's crazy that at 10
years old, you know, you have tokind of prepare him for the real
life world of what he's going tosee.

(36:00):
Um, regardless if he is it wantsto see it or not, you know, is
it better coming from a parentto say, look, these are things
that you're going to see.
You're going to the beach,you're going to see lots of
butts, right?
But then also, I know like if wedon't have that conversation, he
sees it for the first time, whatdoes that look like?
You know, so it's so weird tohave to prepare for this digital

(36:22):
world, this real life world, andthen this variation of what you
may see online may not be whatyou see in person.

SPEAKER_00 (36:30):
Yeah, for sure.
I think also when we weregrowing up, man, we kind of had
to be like we had to secretlycheck out women, right?
Like, hey man, look at that overthere, you know.
And now my daughter's like, Dad,look at that, yeah.
Like, oh my God.
Like, it's just so it's just outthere, dude.
Like, and you're right, dude.
It's like, how do you like youhow do you prepare them?
But also, how do you not allowthem, how do you allow them to

(36:55):
still be a kid when they'resupposed to be a kid, right?
You know, because Maddox is 12,right?
He's 12 plus 10.
Okay.
So Keely's 12.
But it's how do you I don'tknow, dude.
How do you shelter our kids fromfrom but then let them also live
their own life?
But also, like, I never want mykids to have to go through what

(37:17):
I went through.
Right.
You never want Maddox to gothrough and and and and possibly
think about suicide, right?

SPEAKER_01 (37:22):
Like, that's not Dude, my dad never sat me down
to talk about stranger danger.
Right?
My dad raised three of us byhimself.
I never had to have thatconversation, right?
But like I had to literally havethis conversation with my son
when he was like five years oldto say, hey, if somebody offers
you candy, what do you say?
Right?

(37:43):
What what happens if somebodysays that they're a friend of
mine and I'm not there, right?
What are you supposed to do?
Like, we never had thoseconversations.
And then but now it's like it'smandatory to have those and and
like a yearly check-in on thoseor a monthly check-in to say,
hey, what you know, to just testthem to say, hey, what do you do
in this situation, right?

SPEAKER_00 (38:01):
Yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_01 (38:01):
Or to turn around and be like, hey, if somebody
offers you this, right, and thenyou got now you gotta worry
about the online scams, right?
So can't kids can't even goonline and play games without
dealing with weirdos that wayeither.
It's it's so crazy.

SPEAKER_00 (38:12):
I can't, dude.
I don't know.
When I was 12 years old, I wason a bike all all around this
town.
And I can't even let my kids gointo the cult school.
Can go down the cells, dude.
Like it's just weird, man.
Like, you know, and and peopleare, you know, well, I think
your anxiety's taking over.
Well, yeah, dude, like fuckingkids are ended up missing and we

(38:32):
don't even know where they'reat.

SPEAKER_01 (38:34):
Well, and again, if if we have no ugly ducklings and
your exact daughter's no uglyduckling, yeah, right?
And she's got gap.
Yeah, dude, there's no way I'mletting her drive down the you
know the the the street on abike.
Yeah, dude.
It's crazy.

SPEAKER_00 (38:48):
Yeah, and just even the way, and I know it's always
kind of been like this, but likeeven the way my daughter tries
to leave the house sometimes,I'm like, dude, there ain't no
fucking way, bro.
And what like, but it's not herfault, like all they sell at the
stores is crop tops, yes, andall her friends, and all her
friends, you know, and all thattoo.
But yeah, dude, it's it's yeah,you're a better man than I.

SPEAKER_01 (39:08):
I don't think I could deal with being a girl
dad.

SPEAKER_00 (39:10):
Oh man, I have to go through this three times, dude.

SPEAKER_01 (39:13):
Yeah, I don't think I could do it, man.

SPEAKER_00 (39:15):
Yeah, it's uh it's okay right now, and it's
definitely not like a hugestress in my life.
But I mean, we went through somemental stuff with Keely where um
I don't know, dude.
I don't know if like she wasgoing through stuff and she was
just saying things that to getour attention or if she was

(39:36):
really feeling this way, butthere was a time where like we
had to throw her in therapy andshe still is like, dude, you
gotta work through this, man,because this is not you can't
live like this.
Yeah, and she's got her ownanxieties, and she, you know,
every time we leave the house,she thinks we're gonna die.
Like, it's like you know, it'sjust shit like that, dude.
That's like, where did that comefrom?
Did that come from us?

(39:56):
Did that come from us as parentsraising you that way?
Because my wife has a lot ofanxiety, like, she won't even
let my kids like go to a dancecamp for two hours, and she'll
sit in the parking lot untilthey're done.
Like, I'm like, dude, you gottajust let them go do their thing,
man.
Like, I get it, but like alsoyou can't let our kids not live
based off of your anxietiesbecause that's what that's what

(40:18):
our parents did to us.

SPEAKER_01 (40:21):
I'm gonna give you this crazy stat uh or this crazy
fact, I guess.
Um, and this fucked me up thefirst time I heard it.
But it says that your kidactually starts training you as
young as three months old.
And so think about likeeverybody makes like the the
baby coups and the and the cutebaby face and trying to get the
babies to laugh.

SPEAKER_00 (40:42):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 (40:43):
But the babies are training you to see what they
can get out of you.

SPEAKER_00 (40:46):
Yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_01 (40:47):
And so the manipulation of a kid starts as
young as six months.
Oh, I don't doubt it.
And so it's interesting becauseas parents, we believe we're the
authority.
We believe, you know, I'm yourparent, blah, blah, blah, I'm
your father, right?
But the reality of it is thatour job is really just to
facilitate to help them, andhopefully that we've had an

(41:07):
impact, that they, you know,have good morals, that they have
an understanding of the world,what they want to do, that
they're confident.
But really, at the end of theday, they're their own people.

SPEAKER_00 (41:15):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 (41:16):
And that is such a hard thing for most people, uh,
and people to rap around,especially parents who didn't
grow up that or who'd neverheard that before.
But I remember first timehearing that and I was like,
holy shit.
And it's true because like whenmy son was playing football,
God, I was the happiest fatherin the world, right?
I was the worst sideline parentfather in the world, too,
because I'm like, I'm likecoaching from the sideline, I'm

(41:38):
telling him, like, you need togo out there, blah, blah.
And my wife is like, You realizethat he's an only child.
And I was like, So?
She's like, Did you not play thesideline game with when your
brother was playing football?
You watched him play for years.
She goes, he doesn't havecousins to rough house with.
She goes, and he's the king ofthe house, he's the only kid,
right?
So if I rough the house withhim, I get yelled at.

(41:59):
But it's that type of mentalityand situations that I didn't
think of because I just alwayshad a brother that I always
played with, right?
Yeah.
Back when we we could play Smearthe Queer.
Do you remember that game?
Oh, yeah, dude.
Totally.
Guy, we're gonna get killed onthis podcast on the first
episode.
Um, but you know, it's that typeof situations where it's like, I

(42:20):
never thought that.
Yeah.
And so I actually had to go anduh watch videos on how to be a
parent instead of a coach on thesideline.
And it trust me, like it is ahard thing because like I love
football so much.
I wanted my son to love footballas much as I did, right?
And so we would go home and Iwould spend extra time

(42:42):
practicing with him.
I'd be in there and I was tryingto make it fun, man.
I went and bought tackledummies, and I'm out there
tackling it, showing him what itlooks like, you know.
And it's all fun and games untilhe goes to practice, and that
same experience is not there.
Right?
He is six years old, and coachesare out there yelling at him,
you know, and it was so crazy torealize then that like being a

(43:04):
parent, you're a guide.
You don't get to really t tellthese kids what to do to a
certain extent, right?
But ultimately at the end of theday, they are going to make
their own decisions, and soyou're a guide up until the
point where they decide thatthey can make those decisions on
their own.

SPEAKER_00 (43:20):
Sure.
I'm definitely guilty of that,dude.
I mean, mom and I were bothsuper athletes, and Keely's
she's getting good atvolleyball, but I mean, you just
saying that makes me think,like, man, I gotta kind of like
fucking dial it back a littlebit because there's been times
where like I I tell her to dosomething over and over and over

(43:41):
and over again, and she doesn'tever do it.
But like when her coaches tellher to do it, she does it.
Yeah, and I'm like, wait asecond, dude, like I just told
you to do the same shit and youdidn't do it for three
practices.
You know, and her mom's the sameway.
We're and it's just like, butthat's how I was like I had
someone instilling in me, like,if you want to be the best, you
gotta do what everybody elsedoesn't do.

(44:01):
Right.
And is that me taking part of isthat me taking away part of my
kids' childhood?
She because she's just she's notdoesn't want to be a
professional volleyball player.
This is just what she's doingright now, right?
You know, so being a guide orbeing a parent versus a coach, I

(44:21):
think is a very important step,especially for single parents,
or our single, single childrenparents, because they don't have
anybody else to work off of, youknow.
So I had I had there was five ofus, and three boys played
basketball or football, and Iran track, played basketball,

(44:45):
played volleyball.
I was in it all, and I was oneof the good ones, you know, and
but I always had people to roughhouse with or teach me or
whatever, you know.
So um, yeah, dude, that'sdefinitely something I'm guilty
of.
Thanks for bringing that upbecause that's something I need
to work on myself.

SPEAKER_01 (45:01):
So what uh what I found, and I I really believe in
this philosophy now, and I can'tremember where um uh uh YouTube,
Vimeo, I I watched this, and itwas basically like this parent
where this girl had a penaltykick, right?
She was the last one out of allof uh the teams like high school
championship soccer, yeah.
And she went to kick and shemissed, and she was crying and

(45:24):
she was kept blaming herself,and her parents came up to her
and said, Hey, if you had kickedthe other way, you would have
had the same result, right?
And they're like, You did good,it just didn't go your way this
time.
And they showed her a yearlater, and the girl was in a
similar situation, I think itwas in a championship game, and

(45:45):
she ended up scoring like fouror five goals, right?
But she also had like twoassists or something crazy.
And when they went back and theysaid, you know, when you look at
that video versus this video,what was kind of the difference
between you being able to missthat penalty kick and recover
and come back and have thisgame?
And she says, I had theconfidence.
And they said, Where did thatcome from?
She said, It came from justdoing my job.

(46:07):
She goes, There was no pressurefor me to do well, there was no
pressure for me to be the starof the game.
She goes, My coaches gave me arole and I just did my role.
When I come home, my parentspraise me if I had a good
practice or if I have badpractice.
There's no pressure for me to bea superstar, I just do my job,
my teammates do their job, andwhen we have that, we're very

(46:28):
clutch because we're just doingour job.
And that like opened my eyes somuch to and I felt so much guilt
for being that sideline parentfor yelling, you know, trying to
teach my kid to do all thisstuff and yelling at him.
And again, I'm like, man, thisis supposed to be when the game
is fun.

SPEAKER_00 (46:44):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 (46:44):
And so I'm like, even now, he doesn't want to go
back to play football.
And it necessarily what doesn'tnecessarily from me, the
organization ended terribly, thecoach ended up getting canned.
Uh, he made us choose sides, youknow, it was a really ugly
situation.
But you know, it's a nine-daydifference between the football
coach that we had and his boxingcoach.

SPEAKER_00 (47:05):
Yeah, sure.

SPEAKER_01 (47:06):
You know what I mean?
So it it makes a hugedifference, but again, you know,
kind of being that guide versusbeing maybe the parent sometimes
helps to be able to take thatpressure off and just allowing
them to just do their do theirjob.

SPEAKER_00 (47:19):
Well, how much how much do you think got instilled
in you as a child that youcarried with you through your
entire adult adulthood?
Oh my gosh.
A lot of it.

SPEAKER_01 (47:27):
A lot for sure.

SPEAKER_00 (47:28):
Yeah, like the pressure of being good at
whatever, you know, the pressureof being good at school, the
pressure of being good atsports, the pressure of being
good at everything, you know,it's like if you don't, and then
we're doing the same thing toour kids without even realize
that we're even doing it, youknow.
So I just I think if we justtake a beat and just try and

(47:49):
really be that parent versus acoach.
And like I just don't want mykids to have to carry something
that I said or something that Idid to their entire adulthood,
and then it becomes a childhoodtrauma because it's true, dude.
Like, you can call this bullshitif you want, but there is

(48:11):
something that happens in ourbody where our body stores the
trauma of something.
It could be, it could be thelittlest thing, right?
Like, just I'm I'm gonna tellyou a quick story.
There was a story about thisgirl, she having she was having
panic attacks and she didn'tknow why.
She had a good life, she gotgood grades, she, you know, she
was an adult at this time,right?
20, 24, 25 years old.

(48:33):
And she went and met with atrauma specialist, someone to
dig deep into why she was havingthese panic attacks.
Well, come to find out, she washaving panic attacks every time
she saw the color yellow.
There's a lot of fucking yellowin this world, right?
So they broke it down, and therewas this one moment where they

(48:53):
were in a they were in a growth,they were in an ice cream shop.
It was her and her sister andher mom.
And her sister did something,got good, I don't remember the
exact story, but got a goodgrade, was able to get ice
cream, and the other sisterwasn't.
And the mom was wearing a yellowdress and was reprimanding her.
And so that yellow because of,you know, well, you didn't do

(49:17):
this, so that's why your sistergets this and not that, and
blowing up at her in the store.
And that's where that came from.
There's something that happensin our brains and our bodies
that stores whatever happenedbefore.
It could be the minus, likethat's not really of a big like
as an adult, that's not a bigdeal.
But to that little girl, thatwas everything.

(49:37):
Right.
That was a big deal to her.
Right.
That she blew up, her mom blewup in front of a uh in in in a
store.
And she fade at that time, sheprobably took that as favoritism
and kind of like an abandonment,right?
Like and that she carried thatwith her until she was an adult
and was having severe panicattack uh panic attacks because

(49:58):
of it.
So, you know, as far as raisingour kids, dude, I just think we
just gotta take a step back andjust realize that that, you
know, and sometimes, dude, I'lllay my head down at night and
I'm like, man, I really probablyshouldn't have said that like
that, or I probably shouldn'thave did it this way, or
whatever.
But again, going back to beinghow many people are self-aware

(50:18):
of that, right?
There's not a lot, dude.
There's a lot of there's a lotof parents out there that are
just doing the best that theycan with what they have, but
then there's a lot of parentsthat just don't give a shit.
Yeah.
Well, and the other thing too,so again, I love my father.

SPEAKER_01 (50:36):
He raised three of us by himself, I have mad
respect for him.
But I grew up with a father thatnever apologized, right?
Not once.

SPEAKER_00 (50:44):
Sure.

SPEAKER_01 (50:45):
And so, but I also have grew up with a father that
not once said, I love youeither.
And so while he's playing thedual role of kind of being
trying to be nurturer andprovider, you know, I didn't get
any of that stuff.
And so growing up, like I lookback and I'm like, dang, I just
no wonder why I craved attentionbecause I never got that

(51:06):
motherly touch, I never gotthose good night tuck-ins, I
never got those, you know,goodbye kisses or whatever.
And so there was a period oftime where I literally didn't
cry for 10 years because I criedso much as a kid, I was so
sensitive because of this loss.
And everybody, um, you know, Ididn't, it's not like you know,
you're a kid, you don't expectpeople to know what's going on.

(51:27):
Like, I think kids are so muchmore self-aware.
But in third grade, I was likejust making sure that my sister
was okay, right?

SPEAKER_00 (51:32):
Right.

SPEAKER_01 (51:33):
I was told to lie to make sure that we're okay so
that way the schools wouldn'tprovide us with like therapy
services.
Like we went to some of them,but it was so seldom.
And so, like, my thought processwas like, Man, like I have all
this pent-up energy, so when Iget mad, I would cry.
And this happened probably allthrough middle school, right?
So from about third grade toabout ninth grade, and then

(51:56):
during that time, from likeninth grade, was it was that 15
years old, 14 years old, upuntil I was like 25 years old, I
didn't cry.
And like that's talk about animbalance, man.
Oh, yeah, sure, totally.
And so you're building all thistension up, and you're always
angry, you're always upset, youknow.
Like you can blow up anybody forany reason because every single

(52:18):
other emotion is gonna try tocome out, and then I'm bottling
the one that really needs tocome out, you know.
So crazy.

SPEAKER_00 (52:26):
Yeah, dude.
I mean, I was a very, very angrychild.
Um, I was always getting infights, I was in the principal's
office every other day, and Inever really understood why
until I went through what I wentthrough, and I was like, oh, I
have I'm fucking angry.
Like I was I was an angryperson, but even though I was a
very sounds contradicting, but Iwas a very loving and giving

(52:51):
person, but there was somethinginside of me that was like I'm
angry, and I had a very shortfuse or no fuse, right?
And um, you know, my parentswere 18 and 19 years old when
they had me.
They were young, you know, andmy mom um she did great as a

(53:11):
single mom, right?
She I she did the best what shedid the best that she could with
what she had.
And it was that was enough forme at the time, right?
Right.
But she also had a lot ofanxieties, like I couldn't go do
some certain things, I couldn'tgo do stuff, but I think really
the cherry on top one was theabandonment issues from my dad.

(53:32):
And um, you know, ourrelationship was is good now,
but um, it's probably not asgood as it could have been if he
was more present in my life.
But um, you know, I rememberthis one memory where I was just
I was sitting on the stairs,dude, of my mom's house, and my
dad was supposed to come get meand he just never fucking did,

(53:55):
you know, and it's like and Ilook at my kids now and I'm
like, man, I would never do thatto you.
But I also didn't understandwhat my dad was going through at
the time, you know, and and umyou know, I was probably I don't
know, seven, eight, nine, tenyears old at the time, enough
for me to understand, like am Ijust not good enough for you?

(54:18):
You know, and there was timeswhere he'd be like, man, I'm
gonna be at your game, I'm gonnabe there, I'm gonna be whatever.
And it's just so like weird as achild, right?
Because even in high school, 15years old, made varsity as a
freshman, like when somebodytells me they're gonna do

(54:39):
something, I expect it, I expectthem to do it.
You know, as a 15-year-old, likeyou you understand that.
But also, like I didn't have theI just felt like I'd look up in
the stands, I'd see grandma, I'dsee grandpa, I'd see mom, I'd
see stepdad, but no dad.
Like, but that was the oneperson I wanted there, but

(55:00):
didn't have the mental capacityto have the gratitude for the
people that were there, right?
Because I was so fixated on theone person that told me he was
gonna be there.
Right.
I almost expected everybody thatwas there to be there because
they were there every time, theyshowed up every time.

SPEAKER_01 (55:15):
Yeah, and we take it for granted because we don't
know the appreciation becausethey're consistent.

SPEAKER_00 (55:21):
Absolutely, right?
And then I would look up in thestands and I wouldn't see my
dad.
And I remember this one timeafter the game, I was walking
towards the locker room.
I don't remember if we won orlost, but that's here, neither
here nor there.
But I remember my dad grabbingonto the fence of the stadium,
and I was like, Hey, you werehere.
He's like, Yeah, I've been herethe whole time.
I don't think he was there thewhole time.

(55:42):
I just think he, you know,whatever.
But you know, is that why I wasso angry as a kid?
I think so.
I, you know, I think you know,there has been times where I
would, because my my parentswere split, obviously, and we
had I went to my dad's everyother weekend.
Well, I'd go, I'd go to my dad'sand he would just drop me off

(56:03):
with grandma, and then Iwouldn't see him.
He would go, he would playovernight and go play pool
because that's how he made moneyat the time, which is fine, but
then he would sleep all the nextday, and then I'd be trying to
wake dad up, and dad was justsleeping all day, so I would
just go hang out with grandma.
And then to me, I'm just like,dude, I just like as a little

(56:24):
kid, that's what you feel islike I'm not good enough for my
dad to hang out with me.
Right, right.
So, like now, dude, even thoughthere's days where I just don't
feel good or I don't feel likeplaying, or I don't feel like
like I try and give my kids justeven if it's 10 minutes of
playing with Barbies orwhatever, I just really try and

(56:44):
be aware of that, you know.
Like I just don't want my kidsto have to, I don't want my kids
to feel like they're not goodenough because of me.
You know, I don't want them notto feel good at like I don't
want them to ever feel that way,regardless of anything, but I
just want them to be able toknow that dad was always there,
right?
You know, so but yeah.

SPEAKER_01 (57:07):
And that's I think that's like the realest thing,
right?
Is just every parent wants to bethe better parent than what they
had, right?
They want to fill those voids,but the reality is that we can
only give so much, right?
Uh and and what I mean by that,of course, like majority of
parents would give their lifeand give everything.

(57:28):
But I think it's there's also asocial responsibility where
you're being able to showcaseyour kids that you can be happy,
that you can be strong if youneed to, that a single mom can
do it, right?
And the here's the thing thatkind of ties back when I talked
about the beautiful struggle thehuman spirit can be lifted and

(57:49):
can be reversed, and no matterwhat situation you go through,
you just grow through that,right?
That's one of my favoritehashtags, grow through what you
go through.
But uh what it also to merepresents is that you can no
matter where you start, it'sit's where how you finish.
And we're not bound by ourcircumstances.

(58:11):
The only thing that is ever ahundred percent a part of
everything that you've ever beenthrough is yourself.
And so while certain thingsmaybe happened, right?
Kids get uh, you know, molestedor whatever, like you can't
change what happened to you, butyou can certainly change how you

(58:32):
react to it and how you let itimpact you now.
And I think that that is kind oflike the most important lesson
that I had to learn to overcomesuicide, depression, to go from
thinking that man, I'm made tobe, you know, to go paycheck to
paycheck, that I'm gonna be lessthan average, that I'm gonna be

(58:53):
homeless, you know, I'm gonnajust another statistic, I'm
gonna be dead, so it doesn'tmatter, right?
All those mindsets, mentalities,all of those things to then say,
you know what?
I can help any business scale, Ican help any individual overcome
what they're going through.
Not because I've done it, butbecause I know what it takes,

(59:14):
the grit to be able to gothrough that.
And I truly believe thateverybody has that.
They're just afraid becausethey've maybe truly never had to
dive into it or they've neverfaced it head on.
But I think that that's reallywhat that beautiful struggle
means to me.

SPEAKER_00 (59:29):
Yeah, for sure.
Or no one ever taught them howto no one ever taught them how
to do that.
Correct.
No one ever taught anybody.
I don't remember one time beinglike, hey, there's gonna be a
time in my in your life whereyou're gonna look yourself in
the mirror and you're not gonnaknow who the fuck you are and
you're gonna have to figure itout.

SPEAKER_02 (59:45):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 (59:46):
You're gonna you're gonna live your life based off
of what everybody else taughtyou up until now, which for me
was 25 years old, and that'sexactly what I did.
I lived how everybody else toldme I should live from my
religion to how I should treatpeople to.
And not all of it wasnecessarily bad.
But I didn't have my ownidentity.

(01:00:06):
I created my identity based offof everybody how how everybody
else thought my identity shouldbe.
Right.
Right.
And, you know, the worst thingthat happened to you is the
worst thing that ever happenedto you.
So regardless if it was your momyelling at you in an ice cream
store in a yellow dress or youruncle molesting you, like that's
the that that's the worst thingthat ever happened to you.

(01:00:27):
That's the worst thing that everhappened to you.
And that's why I think a lot ofpeople suffer in silence, is
because it's almost like theyfeel like, oh, my situation's
not as bad as Patrick'ssituation, so I'm gonna kind of
keep quiet about it.
Because I don't want.

SPEAKER_01 (01:01:13):
Nobody's calling you up, be like, hey man, let me let
me sit here and actually praywith you.
Yeah, right.
And so I think that you knowwe'll kind of wrap this up and
and really open this up for thenext episode.
But I think some some keytakeaways from today really are
speak up, right?

(01:01:34):
Find somebody to avoid thatisolation, even if you feel like
you're annoying somebody, Idon't care.
Talk to them, do whatever youneed to, right?
Um for me, dialoguing andwriting stuff out was a huge
part of what allowed me to flipthe script.
Okay.
Um, we've talked about this,right?

(01:01:55):
You know that I um you know Iwrote a lot of poetry, you have
written a lot of poetry.
We've talked about maybe sharingsome of those.

SPEAKER_00 (01:02:00):
Which we're gonna do some slam here, dude.

SPEAKER_01 (01:02:02):
Yes, and I'm excited for that.
But you know, being able to getaway from your thoughts when
you're have when you're in thatisolation, do whatever you can,
listen to music, talk tosomebody.
Hell, if you gotta develop AI,you know, uh a chat bot,
something, because if you can dothat, that's step one, right?

(01:02:27):
But also realize that I promiseyou, whatever thoughts you're
thinking, if there's any if youthink that removing yourself
from this situation is asolution, it's not right.
And so the other thing that Iwould take away from this is
every successful person has asad story, and so all the things

(01:02:49):
that maybe people are goingthrough right now is part of
that story, and at some pointthis is just going to be part of
the story that you tell thatsomebody else is going to need
to hear later.

SPEAKER_00 (01:02:59):
Absolutely, dude, for sure.
Yeah, man.
Just a key couple key points toI gotta use the restroom, so we
gotta wrap this up here soon.
But I uh, you know, somethingthat I guess really what I would
want people to take away fromhere is just you know, something
I touched on earlier is just Iwant people to really understand
that they don't have to attachto their thoughts as often as

(01:03:21):
people do, right?
Like you are not, you are notyour thoughts.
You're just the observer, you'reyour your human spirit, your
soul.
The whole purpose of why I thinkwe're here is just to live,
right?
And just to allow our soul togrow to whatever you believe
happens next.
Like it really doesn't matter.
We're a vessel here, and thisisn't the end, but like also try

(01:03:44):
and make it to the end.
You know what I mean?
There's gonna be shit we have togo through.
There's not anybody I know thathas a fucking perfect life every
single day, right?
Everybody's got their own shit,but talk about it.
Let's talk about it, yeah, youknow, and just understand that
you're just the observer of whatyou're thinking, you don't
necessarily have to attach toevery single thought that you're

(01:04:07):
thinking because it's notnecessarily a part of you.
So yeah.

SPEAKER_01 (01:04:11):
But well, and I think, you know, we want to hear
from you guys too, right?
Like, what is it that you'regoing through?
Understand, we're notpsychologists, we're not
doctors, you know, we're justtwo guys who decided to talk
about a podcast and be honestabout the things that we've gone
through.
But, you know, so we're notgonna be able to give you

(01:04:32):
advice, right?
We're not gonna be able to kindof, you know, lead you in a path
that go kind of goes down, butyou can share in that.
You can know that you weren'tthe only one that maybe filmed
that.
And so again, in the show notes,we'll have contact information
if you're willing, wanting toshare.
We'll read some of those thingsmaybe on the when we on the next
episode.

(01:04:53):
Um, just so that way we knowthat you know what is it that
you're going through, and justknow that even just writing it
out is probably gonna help youfeel a little bit better, right?
But just the takeaway to knowthat you're not the only one
going through that.
And I think there's comfort inand some solace.
I don't want to say like, youknow, um that you know that uh
somebody who's going throughthat needs to leach onto

(01:05:14):
somebody else that's goingthrough it.
But that's a there's a reasonwhy groups exist, why
communities are so important,especially in today's world,
whether it's business, whetherit's a hobby, you know,
personal.
Um and so figure out where it isthat you can plug in, you know,
and again, let this be a safespace.
Yeah, we talk and we're talkingabout some of this real shit,

(01:05:37):
but at this at the end of theday, we're doing this because we
know that people need it.

SPEAKER_00 (01:05:40):
Yeah, for sure.
Absolutely, man.
I couldn't agree more.
I think so, I think our firstepisode went really well.

SPEAKER_01 (01:05:45):
Yeah, I I'm looking forward to this.
And uh guys, catch us on thenext episode of uh mental
mentality, and uh we'll catchyou on the next one.

SPEAKER_00 (01:05:53):
Hell yeah.
Bye everybody.