September 23, 2025 • 36 mins
Dating in midlife serves as a powerful mirror reflecting our self-worth, patterns, and authentic desires rather than just a path to finding someone. It isn’t just about swiping, profiles, or who texts back—it’s about who you are becoming in the process.
As women in our 40s +, we’re no longer chasing validation, we’re remembering our worth, reclaiming our power, and letting our bodies lead the way in love, intimacy, and connection. In this episode, I open up about what dating has taught me about self-worth, wholeness, and pleasure, and how every experience (even the messy ones) can become a mirror for our own awakening.
If you’ve ever felt like dating was complicated, like you had to settle, or like you were searching outside yourself for love—this conversation will bring you back home to you.
Explore dating as a mirror for self-worth, wholeness & freedom in midlife. Rediscover yourself, your body’s wisdom, and aligned love.
✨ In This Episode, You’ll Hear
- Why dating can become a powerful path of self-discovery in midlife.
- The truth about self-worth, patterns, and not giving your power away.
- How swiping culture turns us into “merchandise” and how to reclaim intention.
- What your body knows about attraction that your mind can’t always see.
- Why wholeness (not a checklist) is the secret to calling in aligned love.
🦋 Reflection Questions
- When have you noticed yourself seeking validation instead of standing in your worth?
- What does your body tell you on dates or in relationships—and are you truly listening?
- If you looked at your own “list” of qualities in a partner, would you date yourself?
Take a moment to reflect or journal about what resonated with you in this episode. If you feel called to share this with a friend who might need it too, please do. Connect with me on Instagram @midlifebutterfly and tune in weekly for more soulful conversations about love, transitions, and creating your most powerful chapter in life.
- - - - -
Learn more about RESET, the Intimate Women's Retreat to pause, play & connect. From October 23-26 in the Laurentians, close to Montreal, Qc, Canada. Check the details and reserve your spot: https://midlifebutterfly.ca/resetretreat - Over 30% discount. DM for details!
If this story touched your heart, share it with another woman who’s navigating her own transition.
And if you’re ready to reconnect with yourself and create your next chapter with more freedom, joy, and alignment, join me on Instagram @midlifebutterfly
or explore The Butterfly Path coaching journey.
Download the Midlife Butterfly Guide with 5 Radical Practices to Heal, Take Your Power Back & Rise
Song: Reborn by Alexander Nakarada
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Kena Siu (00:00):
Dating in midlife isn't just about finding someone
.
It's a mirror that shows us whowe are, and in today's episode,
I'm sharing the real roadtruths that I've learned about
self-worth, patterns, swipingculture, and why my body, and
not my head, has become my bestguide in love.
So let's dive in.
(00:23):
Midlife butterfly, a woman inthe sacred in between.
She's not who she once was andnot quite who she's becoming yet
.
She's unraveling, awakening,remembering.
She's navigating lifetransitions, divorce, loss,
reinvasion moves, with a burningdesire for freedom, joy and
solid living.
(00:44):
She feels a pull to rise, tofly.
She is no longer afraid of herown wings.
Welcome back to the MidlifeButterfly Podcast.
This is your guest, ken Asiu.
It is a pleasure having youback here, or, if it's your
first time, welcome to MidlifeButterfly.
(01:05):
And yes, so today we're goingto talk about dating, but, at
the same time, this can apply ifyou have a partner already,
because, yeah, these things areglobal.
So let's dive in On worth andpower.
On worth and power, I want toremind you that you are already
(01:33):
worthy.
Just by being alive, byexisting, you are already worthy
.
And I'm mentioning this becauseif you are going out dating
searching for validation, itmeans that you're giving your
power away and that power onlybelongs to you.
(01:57):
So please take it back.
Take it back, know your worth.
And it's more about remembering, because most of us, we think
that we are not worthy.
That's a belief that we have,and it's because of all the
conditioning and the programming, et cetera, et cetera, that you
might know about it.
(02:18):
So I invite you to do the innerwork to remove those layers
that doesn't allow you to knowyour worth.
Okay, so that's an invitation.
Dating versus loving Dating ischallenging.
(02:40):
Loving it is easy At leastthat's for me, because I already
learned to love myself, so I'mnot in the need of someone
loving me, because I know I amlove and I love myself, right.
So for me, it's actually morecomplicating dating.
(03:01):
I don't know for you.
Complicating dating, I don'tknow for you, and I think also,
it has to do a lot with theintention Like, what are we
really dating for?
What's behind it?
Is it really just to fuckaround, just to have something
casual?
(03:23):
Are you actually looking for anopen relationship?
Are you wanting to have along-term relationship just with
one person?
So I think it depends.
What is it that we aresearching when we are dating,
and then from there, let's seehow the love spreads, right?
(03:47):
So, yeah, for me it's easier tolove now, at least where I am
at this very moment.
And then the mid-form of 50-50.
Now I came to the conclusionand, after you know, in the past
years, after I've done a lot ofinner work and understanding
how the feminine energy and themasculine energies work in men
(04:12):
and in women, 50-50, Iunderstand now that is overrated
, because we are different.
Men and women are different, webring different things to our
relationship, and I do consider,though, that it is important
that to have, in that case, likean arrangement of the roles
(04:38):
that each of us, we are playing,are playing, because sometimes
it might be the woman that isactually playing more the
masculine energy if she's theone who has to go to work
because of the man chooses to beat home, or something with
health is happening.
You know so.
(04:59):
But the same.
It's about each individualbalancing these energies and
then, at the same time,balancing them as a couple, and
then noticing who is bringingwhat, because at the same time,
I think it has to be a balancein there, but more from how can
(05:27):
I say it?
From the strengths that eachperson brings, from the
qualities that each personbrings right and not like and
this happened to me in myprevious relationships that is
more like okay, I give this, soI'm expecting you to give back
(05:49):
something.
So it's not about that anymore.
It's about what are youbringing to the table from a
place of love and abundance, andbecause of your personality and
your qualities, and because ofyour personality and your
qualities, and what the otherperson is also willing to give
and open to give and, at thesame time, to receive, because
(06:14):
sometimes it happens that theother person wants to give more
and we are not ready to receiveit Right.
So be aware of these things.
Yeah.
So this comes like questionslike what unconscious roles are
you probably stepping into yourrelationship?
(06:37):
That is kind of having that,having that unbalanced and that
you can actually, you know, gointo it.
Yeah, then let's move on to notmerchandise.
Oh, my God, have you watchedthe movie Materialists?
(06:58):
They actually mentioned that inthe movie and they really
struck me.
They actually mentioned that inthe movie and it really struck
me Because I mean, the apps arethere.
That's the easiest way toconnect between quotes with
(07:22):
other people at this time.
But just when we are, you know,swiping left and right, it's
like a catalog of people, youknow, and it's I mean, I've been
there also, I'm done it Like,but I didn't realize that we are
treating ourselves likemerchandise, isn't it?
I don't know, in a way, anddisappointment to our freaking
(07:52):
human species to treat ourselveslike that.
Anyway, that's happening and Ihave to yeah, to say that I'm
also doing it, and I have to,yeah, to say that I'm also doing
it.
So now, when I'm going into theapps, I'm trying more to be
(08:14):
more again, coming back to theintention and coming back with a
different energy Because, yes,I mean, it's an app.
The first thing we're going tolook at it it's the picture of
the other person.
You know the height, the weight, the color, the color the
background, whatever it says inthere.
Because the truth is we arehumans and we gotta feel
attracted to the other person,otherwise, like our body, it
(08:37):
doesn't respond.
That's the truth, right.
But then also with apps is likeonce we are there, you look at
a picture and you said, ok, thiscould be a potential.
Then from my side is like, ok,did they actually wrote
something in their profile?
Because for me that gives.
If they did, it means that theyare putting more effort.
(08:59):
That to someone that it didn'twrite anything in there, that to
someone that it didn't writeanything in there.
Because my perception is like,okay, if they didn't even take
the time to write a profile, youknow something about them in
their bio.
That it means that you know,are they going to behave the
(09:22):
same in a relationship?
You know.
Again, that's my perception.
And then, after reading aprofile, it's more like, in that
case, from my side again isabout like, which kind of
vocabulary they're using,because I want to connect to
(09:43):
someone who has emotionalintelligence and to know about
their habits, their values,their lifestyle, because I
(10:08):
actually want to date someonewho has similar you know sorry
that do similar things that I doand similar qualities that I
have right, and so it'simportant for me to then know a
little bit more on that just byreading the profile.
So, yeah, one thing is theagain, the picture, the photos,
(10:31):
because I I mean the attractionhas to be there, but it's also
beyond that, it's more of theintangibles that I'm that are
more important to me and yeah,so my question is like, what do
you look for first?
Is it really like the surfaceyou know of the person, or are
you also going deeper into whatthey are saying, into you know
(10:52):
their profile?
Is it a combination of that?
And also, like, what arekillers for you?
You know, it's important toknow this.
Like I noticed, I'm notattracted to men who are shorter
than me.
I mean, I'm 5'7" and I'mdefinitely not attracted to
someone who is shorter to me,you know.
(11:13):
So it's important also to beaware of those considerations
that you have, because then youdon't want to be swiping, you
know what is it right all thetime just to see what pops up in
there and then make people losetheir time.
You know, let's be consideratewhen we're looking at the
(11:35):
merchandise Shit.
Anyway, moving forward, whatabout the list?
Do you have a list of theperson that you are wanting to
attract, and how long is thatlist?
I did make a list a long timeago.
I don't know where is it.
(11:56):
To tell you the truth, it mustbe written in some of my many,
many journals.
And the thing is, when I didthat list and I chose and I
decided to become that list,because how am I going to dare
(12:20):
to ask someone or to attractsomething that I am not?
It just doesn't make sense, atleast to me, you know, and I'm
not saying totally the same,because that's not the point,
but what I mean is like, if Iwant someone who is into
personal development, then I'mdoing the work too.
(12:40):
If I am someone who I want,someone who is into spirituality
, then I practice my spiritualjourney.
I also want someone who has asimilar lifestyle like me.
You know that is a digitalnomad who likes traveling, that
who doesn't have ties to hiskids at this very moment in life
(13:04):
.
Because I want to travel around, you know, because I don't have
kids, I chose not to have kids,you know, because I don't have
kids, I chose not to have kids.
So well, that's probably.
Yeah, that's part of the list,that that is part of the list.
But I mean, if you want someonewho has similar like values
like you do, yeah, which areyour values?
(13:25):
Then are they clear?
Are you talking about them,them during your dates?
You know, because, again, thelist can be very long.
And what I have come toexperience, at least you know,
by being in my late, lateforties, is like because I'm
(13:48):
doing the inner work, because Iknow myself pretty much, then of
course, I'm getting more pickywith who I want to be now,
because I'm becoming that persontoo, you know.
And but I, I might say also atthe same time, but being in the
(14:11):
apps, it's about like readingbetween the lines a bit and then
also feeling sometimes like howthe body is reacting.
This is like probably theperson didn't fill up.
You know the bio, let's say.
But it's kind of like I canfeel the energy, you can feel
the energy, can't you?
So sometimes it's like, ok,I'll go for it and see in the
(14:33):
conversation what can it flow.
And then the thing is, in thoseconversations bring questions or
comments about the things thatyou want in this list.
So you can discover this, ifthis person is aligned with you.
(14:53):
So you can discover if thisperson is aligned with you.
At least that's what I do,because if at one point the
conversation doesn't flow orthere's something like very that
I don't want from a person,then the conversation finishes.
Sometimes I cut it off, like Itell the person you know what
this is like?
No, or sometimes it happensthat from the other side, the
(15:14):
conversation that simply doesn'tcontinues, right, because I
mean, I'm not here to waste mytime, neither the other person's
time.
It's since by having aconversation, the thing is not
flowing.
It's that simple.
So, yeah, so if you have yourlist, would you date yourself
(15:44):
based on your list?
That's a tricky question.
That's a tricky question.
Now, sketch versus wholeness.
Yes, because the thing is thisIf you have only a sketch of who
(16:06):
you are meaning, if you don'tknow at a deeper level who you
are, you're just looking forsomeone to fill in the lines,
and please don't do that.
That's why we keep repeatingpatterns with different people
(16:30):
when we think oh yeah, men areall the same.
No, that's not true.
It's you or women, right, it isactually you who have these
certain wounds or trauma, oryour lack of worth or self love,
et cetera, et cetera, and youare attracting the people based
(16:55):
on all that and most likely, ofcourse, is unconsciously,
because we don't know right wewill attract people that are
alike to your father or to yourmom, consciously, most likely
(17:19):
unconsciously, you know.
So that's the thing.
When we understand, and just tolet you know and to confirm you
this you are whole, you arewhole.
You are whole.
You are not broken, you are not.
What happens is through yourpersonal experience, through
(17:45):
your transpersonal heritage fromyour family.
You know we have all thesewounds and trauma and beliefs
and patterns already within us.
The thing is we got to work intohealing all those things.
(18:07):
That doesn't serve you, forChrist's sake.
Are you doing the inner work?
Are you taking therapy?
Are you with a coach?
Do you have a mentor that canguide you?
Do that, because if you're justliving in, like, time will heal
it, yes, but is it going to bethe time in this life or in the
(18:28):
next one, like the next one?
Like come on.
Time is life is too short.
Life is too short and you'relistening to hear about dating,
about love.
Well, if we want to bring thatlove to our lives, let's get to
(18:48):
work now.
Don't let another person comeand complete your freaking
sketch.
No, you are whole.
Do the inner work, please, andI'm here if you want help.
Fuck, it's just like it's.
(19:09):
I don't know.
I just better shut up aboutthis.
I don't know what else to say.
The thing is, if we want to havea relationship based on
self-love, based on acceptingwho you truly are, you need to
(19:33):
know who you are.
You need to love yourself.
You need to know your wholeness.
You need to love those otherpieces.
You know that are you.
Yes, I mean your light, becausesometimes we're so fucking
afraid of our light, but alsothe shadow parts, those things
(19:55):
that we do we were told to hide,to be shameful or feel guilt or
whatever other crap they toldus to do with that shadow that
when we face it, when we putlight to, it's so beautiful.
It's part of who you are, it'spart of your wholeness and when
(20:20):
you welcome it, that part of you, you know your wounds, your
trauma.
When you welcome it and you canfeel whole again, imagine how
different is going to be theperson and you know the romantic
relationship, but also anyother relationship, you know,
(20:44):
for I don't know, in businesspartners, in friendships, in
collaborations.
It goes to everything, becauseif you're coming from this
wholeness and not from a lack ofanything, that's what you're
going to attract Other peoplewho are whole Also, are at least
(21:06):
working on them, and howdifferent can be.
You know when you are actuallyinteracting with other people,
from your wholeness and not fromyour wounds.
Yeah, yeah, as you can notice,I'm very, very passionate about
(21:34):
my wholeness and your wholeness.
Yes, bring it on Dating as adiscovery.
At least you know what.
Yeah, I'm taking dating as aself-discovery.
I'm going to dates Like thisyear.
(21:54):
I've been like in four or fivedates, I think, and I literally
take it like a, you know, tolearn more about myself.
You know, with the conversationsthat I'm having with the other
person, does it feel good thathe feels off?
Like noticing my body, how ismy body?
You know the sensations of mybody, how is it perceiving the
(22:18):
other person?
You know, because we are energy, we can feel it right away,
like in one of the dates that Iwent to.
I mean, as soon as I saw thisguy, I was like, yeah, this is a
no, this is just a no.
But I mean, soon as I saw thisguy, I was like, yeah, this is a
no, this is just a no.
But I mean I was already there.
(22:39):
I was not going just to livethere, so we had a nice
conversation and everything.
We have fun.
I did have fun, but then it wasI took it more like to see,
okay, how is my behavior of mybody?
Is it moving forward forward?
Is this actually movingbackwards?
You know, like, how open, howclose I was being because, yeah,
(23:03):
it's really, really the bodywho speaks when we are with
other people and yeah, so Iinvite you to explore how you
behave when you are with others,because it's just, it's
self-discovery.
We get to learn more about uswhen we are there and to say,
okay, yeah, I, this happenedduring this date and I enjoy
(23:28):
this.
So, okay, this could be likeanother thing to add to the
checklist, right To the list,because I love this gesture of
the person, of something thatthey say or probably a behavior
that you didn't have before withanother person is like, oh, I
reacted differently this time,reacted differently this time,
(23:59):
you know like, or before.
This used to trigger me and nowI was like I'm okay with it,
you know.
So, yeah, dating isself-discovery, it is.
It is so be aware of.
Yeah, like, what signals doesyour body, you know, gives you
on your dates?
You know what are you reallylistening to it?
What are you learning aboutyourself?
Put attention to all thatbecause, I mean, the truth is,
(24:23):
everything is about the self.
So, yeah, we are dating becausewe want to share ourselves with
someone else, but, at the sametime, I mean, you are the one in
the body, you are the one inthat mind, you are the one
experiencing.
So, yes, it's about the self.
Let's see what you think aboutthis one.
(24:48):
Because it's loneliness versussolitude, because it's
loneliness versus solitude, yes,it's two different things.
It's two very different things,because the question here is do
you enjoy your own company?
Because, most likely, if youfeel lonely, like if you cannot
(25:15):
stand being with yourself, sothat's why you might feel alone.
The thing is, when you startagain coming back to knowing
yourself, to knowing your worth,to knowing your wholeness, to
(25:36):
loving yourself, to knowing yourworth, to knowing your
wholeness, to loving yourself,because if you have nurtured all
this within you, you will neverfeel alone, even when you are
alone.
Why?
Because your company is enough.
(25:58):
Being with yourself is enough.
I've been living in solitude foralmost, yeah, like five years
and I freaking enjoy it so much.
And, like here, like I'mtalking to you, I'm smiling and
stuff.
That's the same that I do whenI'm just talking to myself,
because, well, actually I'm justtalking to myself here, am I,
(26:22):
aren't I?
Oh, my God.
So, yeah, that's the thing.
Learn to enjoy your own company.
So then you don't feel in arush.
You know, for the company ofothers either, if it's a partner
or friends, they gotta bealways with someone, or busy and
(26:53):
playing video games, or busy inthe phone scrolling the whole
time, because they cannot be ontheir own.
And if you think about it, howsad is that, that you cannot
enjoy your own company?
(27:14):
And it might not be your faultbecause, again, coming back to
your trauma, your wounds and allthat, probably that's why,
right, it's a mechanism for youto having to be there all the
(27:35):
time because you are not willingto be on your own, you are not
(27:56):
willing to do the work, to getto know yourself, to love
yourself, to care for yourself.
Yeah, so how is your experiencein there, you know, on being
alone as loneliness, or justbeing like being nourished by
(28:21):
your solitude, by enjoying yourown company, wow.
And last but not least, let'stalk about fan friends.
Let's get a bit spicy here.
Yeah, I just yeah.
I just watched a movie and theywere calling them fan friends
(28:43):
and I think it sounds nicer thansaying fact friends, right,
because that's the truth.
And I thought at the same timethat it was funny because I came
when I wrote about this topic,about dating.
This was back like a month agoor something, and there's no
coincidence that I'm actuallyfinally recording this today
(29:08):
because of an experience thatI've been going through.
Anyway, I don't know if it'seasy for you to have fun friends
, for you to have fun friends.
What I came to realize for meis when I get sexually intimate
(29:29):
with someone, I fall in love.
That happens.
Well, I started loving thembefore, but then, of course, it
goes to a deeper level, and thishappened, I remember, in before
.
But then, of course, it goes toa deeper level, and this
happened, I remember, in mymid-20s, and now it's happening
in my 40s.
So I'm not sure I'm going tokeep doing that again.
(29:52):
So I would just rather befriends with this person because
, again, I love myself and it'svery easy for me to love
everyone.
Yeah, I love you and I don'teven know you.
Yes, you, dear, listening, Ilove you because I know you
exist, I know you are there andI have love to share.
(30:14):
So why not giving it to youwhile you are listening here,
right?
So, yeah, allow yourself toreceive the love from a person
that you may know and you mightnot know.
Well, you're getting to know mehere for a bit.
(30:49):
So, yeah, I don't know if fanfriends work for you, if it's
easier to you to for you, youknow, to sleep around, probably
that's your preference, that'swhat you, what's what your
intention is with relationships,but at least it's not mine,
it's not mine, mine and I just,yeah, like in these days, I just
was talking with my friend andI realized I knew this
relationship was not going to gofurther since the very
(31:13):
beginning.
And then, this last time thatwe met, I realized that, yeah,
like this time.
Well, first of all, going backto the body, my body was
responding differently this timeand you know, it was not all
this excitement as before, and Inoticed it was protecting
herself.
(31:33):
Yes, the body is very wise, myfriend.
It was already protectingitself because it didn't want to
get hurt and it happened and Itook full responsibility for it
and I told him and I said youknow what?
Because I am hurt and I'mtaking again the responsibility
(31:57):
for it, I think it's better ifwe just continue being friends,
because I enjoy spending timewith you a lot, our
conversations are great, we havefun, we do activities and stuff
, so I guess we can keep it tothat, you know, and he agreed,
he did agree.
Then, from there I don't knowwhen that's going to happen
(32:17):
again, because you know thereneeds to be some healing in
there again, because you knowthere needs to be some healing
in there, but it's, it's part ofit, it's part of the human
experience, you know.
So, yeah, I think my decisionfrom now on is not to have fun
friends, at least not fuckfriends, just to have fun with
them, but not sexually involved,because then it goes into a
(32:40):
deeper level.
From my side, yes, so that'swhat's my share for today.
I don't know what you haverelated more or less to what I
have been talking about this.
And yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,because dating or being in a
romantic relationship.
(33:01):
It always comes back to you.
It comes back to the self andagain, the more you know who you
are, the more you know yourworth.
The more you do the inner work,the more self-care you do, the
(33:25):
more you know about your valuesand what you want, the less
complicating dating is going tobe and the less complicating
finding a partner that matcheswhat you really want is going to
be.
Don't you think?
(33:46):
I do think.
I hope you enjoyed this episode.
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.
Yeah, this was fun to sharewith you and I would like you to
share back with me.
So please send me a DM atmidlifebutterfly on Instagram or
(34:10):
, if we're connected to Facebook, just let me know.
If you're on Spotify, you canactually write your comments
right away.
Or if you're listening in ApplePodcasts, you can leave a
review and you can sharewhatever you want in there.
It is my pleasure being here.
It is, you know.
(34:32):
I feel it like a privilegeactually to share my stories,
because I know it can relate inone way in another with you and
we learn from others and we canalso realize that we are not
alone in this path, in thishuman experience, right?
(34:52):
So, yeah, come and share withme, because I don't know you and
I would like to know more aboutyou, sending you, as usual, a
lot of love.
Take care of yourself and Ihope to see you here next time.
(35:12):
Thank you for joining me today.
My love, if this episodesparked something in you, take a
moment to reflect or evenjournal on what came up, and if
you feel cold, share with yourfriend, who might need this too.
You know, and you can alwaysfind me on Instagram, at
(35:33):
midlifebutterfly, and, of course, tune in every week for more
real, soulful conversation aboutlove, transitions and creating
your most powerful chapter inlife.
Until next time, remember youare worthy, you are whole, you
are love.
I love you.
You are free and keep enjoyingthis beautiful human experience.
(35:59):
Take care.
Dating in midlife isn't just about finding someone
.
It's a mirror that shows us whowe are, and in today's episode,
I'm sharing the real roadtruths that I've learned about
self-worth, patterns, swipingculture, and why my body, and
not my head, has become my bestguide in love.
So let's dive in.
(00:23):
Midlife butterfly, a woman inthe sacred in between.
She's not who she once was andnot quite who she's becoming yet
.
She's unraveling, awakening,remembering.
She's navigating lifetransitions, divorce, loss,
reinvasion moves, with a burningdesire for freedom, joy and
solid living.
(00:44):
She feels a pull to rise, tofly.
She is no longer afraid of herown wings.
Welcome back to the MidlifeButterfly Podcast.
This is your guest, ken Asiu.
It is a pleasure having youback here, or, if it's your
first time, welcome to MidlifeButterfly.
(01:05):
And yes, so today we're goingto talk about dating, but, at
the same time, this can apply ifyou have a partner already,
because, yeah, these things areglobal.
So let's dive in On worth andpower.
On worth and power, I want toremind you that you are already
(01:33):
worthy.
Just by being alive, byexisting, you are already worthy
.
And I'm mentioning this becauseif you are going out dating
searching for validation, itmeans that you're giving your
power away and that power onlybelongs to you.
(01:57):
So please take it back.
Take it back, know your worth.
And it's more about remembering, because most of us, we think
that we are not worthy.
That's a belief that we have,and it's because of all the
conditioning and the programming, et cetera, et cetera, that you
might know about it.
(02:18):
So I invite you to do the innerwork to remove those layers
that doesn't allow you to knowyour worth.
Okay, so that's an invitation.
Dating versus loving Dating ischallenging.
(02:40):
Loving it is easy At leastthat's for me, because I already
learned to love myself, so I'mnot in the need of someone
loving me, because I know I amlove and I love myself, right.
So for me, it's actually morecomplicating dating.
(03:01):
I don't know for you.
Complicating dating, I don'tknow for you, and I think also,
it has to do a lot with theintention Like, what are we
really dating for?
What's behind it?
Is it really just to fuckaround, just to have something
casual?
(03:23):
Are you actually looking for anopen relationship?
Are you wanting to have along-term relationship just with
one person?
So I think it depends.
What is it that we aresearching when we are dating,
and then from there, let's seehow the love spreads, right?
(03:47):
So, yeah, for me it's easier tolove now, at least where I am
at this very moment.
And then the mid-form of 50-50.
Now I came to the conclusionand, after you know, in the past
years, after I've done a lot ofinner work and understanding
how the feminine energy and themasculine energies work in men
(04:12):
and in women, 50-50, Iunderstand now that is overrated
, because we are different.
Men and women are different, webring different things to our
relationship, and I do consider,though, that it is important
that to have, in that case, likean arrangement of the roles
(04:38):
that each of us, we are playing,are playing, because sometimes
it might be the woman that isactually playing more the
masculine energy if she's theone who has to go to work
because of the man chooses to beat home, or something with
health is happening.
You know so.
(04:59):
But the same.
It's about each individualbalancing these energies and
then, at the same time,balancing them as a couple, and
then noticing who is bringingwhat, because at the same time,
I think it has to be a balancein there, but more from how can
(05:27):
I say it?
From the strengths that eachperson brings, from the
qualities that each personbrings right and not like and
this happened to me in myprevious relationships that is
more like okay, I give this, soI'm expecting you to give back
(05:49):
something.
So it's not about that anymore.
It's about what are youbringing to the table from a
place of love and abundance, andbecause of your personality and
your qualities, and because ofyour personality and your
qualities, and what the otherperson is also willing to give
and open to give and, at thesame time, to receive, because
(06:14):
sometimes it happens that theother person wants to give more
and we are not ready to receiveit Right.
So be aware of these things.
Yeah.
So this comes like questionslike what unconscious roles are
you probably stepping into yourrelationship?
(06:37):
That is kind of having that,having that unbalanced and that
you can actually, you know, gointo it.
Yeah, then let's move on to notmerchandise.
Oh, my God, have you watchedthe movie Materialists?
(06:58):
They actually mentioned that inthe movie and they really
struck me.
They actually mentioned that inthe movie and it really struck
me Because I mean, the apps arethere.
That's the easiest way toconnect between quotes with
(07:22):
other people at this time.
But just when we are, you know,swiping left and right, it's
like a catalog of people, youknow, and it's I mean, I've been
there also, I'm done it Like,but I didn't realize that we are
treating ourselves likemerchandise, isn't it?
I don't know, in a way, anddisappointment to our freaking
(07:52):
human species to treat ourselveslike that.
Anyway, that's happening and Ihave to yeah, to say that I'm
also doing it, and I have to,yeah, to say that I'm also doing
it.
So now, when I'm going into theapps, I'm trying more to be
(08:14):
more again, coming back to theintention and coming back with a
different energy Because, yes,I mean, it's an app.
The first thing we're going tolook at it it's the picture of
the other person.
You know the height, the weight, the color, the color the
background, whatever it says inthere.
Because the truth is we arehumans and we gotta feel
attracted to the other person,otherwise, like our body, it
(08:37):
doesn't respond.
That's the truth, right.
But then also with apps is likeonce we are there, you look at
a picture and you said, ok, thiscould be a potential.
Then from my side is like, ok,did they actually wrote
something in their profile?
Because for me that gives.
If they did, it means that theyare putting more effort.
(08:59):
That to someone that it didn'twrite anything in there, that to
someone that it didn't writeanything in there.
Because my perception is like,okay, if they didn't even take
the time to write a profile, youknow something about them in
their bio.
That it means that you know,are they going to behave the
(09:22):
same in a relationship?
You know.
Again, that's my perception.
And then, after reading aprofile, it's more like, in that
case, from my side again isabout like, which kind of
vocabulary they're using,because I want to connect to
(09:43):
someone who has emotionalintelligence and to know about
their habits, their values,their lifestyle, because I
(10:08):
actually want to date someonewho has similar you know sorry
that do similar things that I doand similar qualities that I
have right, and so it'simportant for me to then know a
little bit more on that just byreading the profile.
So, yeah, one thing is theagain, the picture, the photos,
(10:31):
because I I mean the attractionhas to be there, but it's also
beyond that, it's more of theintangibles that I'm that are
more important to me and yeah,so my question is like, what do
you look for first?
Is it really like the surfaceyou know of the person, or are
you also going deeper into whatthey are saying, into you know
(10:52):
their profile?
Is it a combination of that?
And also, like, what arekillers for you?
You know, it's important toknow this.
Like I noticed, I'm notattracted to men who are shorter
than me.
I mean, I'm 5'7" and I'mdefinitely not attracted to
someone who is shorter to me,you know.
(11:13):
So it's important also to beaware of those considerations
that you have, because then youdon't want to be swiping, you
know what is it right all thetime just to see what pops up in
there and then make people losetheir time.
You know, let's be consideratewhen we're looking at the
(11:35):
merchandise Shit.
Anyway, moving forward, whatabout the list?
Do you have a list of theperson that you are wanting to
attract, and how long is thatlist?
I did make a list a long timeago.
I don't know where is it.
(11:56):
To tell you the truth, it mustbe written in some of my many,
many journals.
And the thing is, when I didthat list and I chose and I
decided to become that list,because how am I going to dare
(12:20):
to ask someone or to attractsomething that I am not?
It just doesn't make sense, atleast to me, you know, and I'm
not saying totally the same,because that's not the point,
but what I mean is like, if Iwant someone who is into
personal development, then I'mdoing the work too.
(12:40):
If I am someone who I want,someone who is into spirituality
, then I practice my spiritualjourney.
I also want someone who has asimilar lifestyle like me.
You know that is a digitalnomad who likes traveling, that
who doesn't have ties to hiskids at this very moment in life
(13:04):
.
Because I want to travel around, you know, because I don't have
kids, I chose not to have kids,you know, because I don't have
kids, I chose not to have kids.
So well, that's probably.
Yeah, that's part of the list,that that is part of the list.
But I mean, if you want someonewho has similar like values
like you do, yeah, which areyour values?
(13:25):
Then are they clear?
Are you talking about them,them during your dates?
You know, because, again, thelist can be very long.
And what I have come toexperience, at least you know,
by being in my late, lateforties, is like because I'm
(13:48):
doing the inner work, because Iknow myself pretty much, then of
course, I'm getting more pickywith who I want to be now,
because I'm becoming that persontoo, you know.
And but I, I might say also atthe same time, but being in the
(14:11):
apps, it's about like readingbetween the lines a bit and then
also feeling sometimes like howthe body is reacting.
This is like probably theperson didn't fill up.
You know the bio, let's say.
But it's kind of like I canfeel the energy, you can feel
the energy, can't you?
So sometimes it's like, ok,I'll go for it and see in the
(14:33):
conversation what can it flow.
And then the thing is, in thoseconversations bring questions or
comments about the things thatyou want in this list.
So you can discover this, ifthis person is aligned with you.
(14:53):
So you can discover if thisperson is aligned with you.
At least that's what I do,because if at one point the
conversation doesn't flow orthere's something like very that
I don't want from a person,then the conversation finishes.
Sometimes I cut it off, like Itell the person you know what
this is like?
No, or sometimes it happensthat from the other side, the
(15:14):
conversation that simply doesn'tcontinues, right, because I
mean, I'm not here to waste mytime, neither the other person's
time.
It's since by having aconversation, the thing is not
flowing.
It's that simple.
So, yeah, so if you have yourlist, would you date yourself
(15:44):
based on your list?
That's a tricky question.
That's a tricky question.
Now, sketch versus wholeness.
Yes, because the thing is thisIf you have only a sketch of who
(16:06):
you are meaning, if you don'tknow at a deeper level who you
are, you're just looking forsomeone to fill in the lines,
and please don't do that.
That's why we keep repeatingpatterns with different people
(16:30):
when we think oh yeah, men areall the same.
No, that's not true.
It's you or women, right, it isactually you who have these
certain wounds or trauma, oryour lack of worth or self love,
et cetera, et cetera, and youare attracting the people based
(16:55):
on all that and most likely, ofcourse, is unconsciously,
because we don't know right wewill attract people that are
alike to your father or to yourmom, consciously, most likely
(17:19):
unconsciously, you know.
So that's the thing.
When we understand, and just tolet you know and to confirm you
this you are whole, you arewhole.
You are whole.
You are not broken, you are not.
What happens is through yourpersonal experience, through
(17:45):
your transpersonal heritage fromyour family.
You know we have all thesewounds and trauma and beliefs
and patterns already within us.
The thing is we got to work intohealing all those things.
(18:07):
That doesn't serve you, forChrist's sake.
Are you doing the inner work?
Are you taking therapy?
Are you with a coach?
Do you have a mentor that canguide you?
Do that, because if you're justliving in, like, time will heal
it, yes, but is it going to bethe time in this life or in the
(18:28):
next one, like the next one?
Like come on.
Time is life is too short.
Life is too short and you'relistening to hear about dating,
about love.
Well, if we want to bring thatlove to our lives, let's get to
(18:48):
work now.
Don't let another person comeand complete your freaking
sketch.
No, you are whole.
Do the inner work, please, andI'm here if you want help.
Fuck, it's just like it's.
(19:09):
I don't know.
I just better shut up aboutthis.
I don't know what else to say.
The thing is, if we want to havea relationship based on
self-love, based on acceptingwho you truly are, you need to
(19:33):
know who you are.
You need to love yourself.
You need to know your wholeness.
You need to love those otherpieces.
You know that are you.
Yes, I mean your light, becausesometimes we're so fucking
afraid of our light, but alsothe shadow parts, those things
(19:55):
that we do we were told to hide,to be shameful or feel guilt or
whatever other crap they toldus to do with that shadow that
when we face it, when we putlight to, it's so beautiful.
It's part of who you are, it'spart of your wholeness and when
(20:20):
you welcome it, that part of you, you know your wounds, your
trauma.
When you welcome it and you canfeel whole again, imagine how
different is going to be theperson and you know the romantic
relationship, but also anyother relationship, you know,
(20:44):
for I don't know, in businesspartners, in friendships, in
collaborations.
It goes to everything, becauseif you're coming from this
wholeness and not from a lack ofanything, that's what you're
going to attract Other peoplewho are whole Also, are at least
(21:06):
working on them, and howdifferent can be.
You know when you are actuallyinteracting with other people,
from your wholeness and not fromyour wounds.
Yeah, yeah, as you can notice,I'm very, very passionate about
(21:34):
my wholeness and your wholeness.
Yes, bring it on Dating as adiscovery.
At least you know what.
Yeah, I'm taking dating as aself-discovery.
I'm going to dates Like thisyear.
(21:54):
I've been like in four or fivedates, I think, and I literally
take it like a, you know, tolearn more about myself.
You know, with the conversationsthat I'm having with the other
person, does it feel good thathe feels off?
Like noticing my body, how ismy body?
You know the sensations of mybody, how is it perceiving the
(22:18):
other person?
You know, because we are energy, we can feel it right away,
like in one of the dates that Iwent to.
I mean, as soon as I saw thisguy, I was like, yeah, this is a
no, this is just a no.
But I mean, soon as I saw thisguy, I was like, yeah, this is a
no, this is just a no.
But I mean I was already there.
(22:39):
I was not going just to livethere, so we had a nice
conversation and everything.
We have fun.
I did have fun, but then it wasI took it more like to see,
okay, how is my behavior of mybody?
Is it moving forward forward?
Is this actually movingbackwards?
You know, like, how open, howclose I was being because, yeah,
(23:03):
it's really, really the bodywho speaks when we are with
other people and yeah, so Iinvite you to explore how you
behave when you are with others,because it's just, it's
self-discovery.
We get to learn more about uswhen we are there and to say,
okay, yeah, I, this happenedduring this date and I enjoy
(23:28):
this.
So, okay, this could be likeanother thing to add to the
checklist, right To the list,because I love this gesture of
the person, of something thatthey say or probably a behavior
that you didn't have before withanother person is like, oh, I
reacted differently this time,reacted differently this time,
(23:59):
you know like, or before.
This used to trigger me and nowI was like I'm okay with it,
you know.
So, yeah, dating isself-discovery, it is.
It is so be aware of.
Yeah, like, what signals doesyour body, you know, gives you
on your dates?
You know what are you reallylistening to it?
What are you learning aboutyourself?
Put attention to all thatbecause, I mean, the truth is,
(24:23):
everything is about the self.
So, yeah, we are dating becausewe want to share ourselves with
someone else, but, at the sametime, I mean, you are the one in
the body, you are the one inthat mind, you are the one
experiencing.
So, yes, it's about the self.
Let's see what you think aboutthis one.
(24:48):
Because it's loneliness versussolitude, because it's
loneliness versus solitude, yes,it's two different things.
It's two very different things,because the question here is do
you enjoy your own company?
Because, most likely, if youfeel lonely, like if you cannot
(25:15):
stand being with yourself, sothat's why you might feel alone.
The thing is, when you startagain coming back to knowing
yourself, to knowing your worth,to knowing your wholeness, to
(25:36):
loving yourself, to knowing yourworth, to knowing your
wholeness, to loving yourself,because if you have nurtured all
this within you, you will neverfeel alone, even when you are
alone.
Why?
Because your company is enough.
(25:58):
Being with yourself is enough.
I've been living in solitude foralmost, yeah, like five years
and I freaking enjoy it so much.
And, like here, like I'mtalking to you, I'm smiling and
stuff.
That's the same that I do whenI'm just talking to myself,
because, well, actually I'm justtalking to myself here, am I,
(26:22):
aren't I?
Oh, my God.
So, yeah, that's the thing.
Learn to enjoy your own company.
So then you don't feel in arush.
You know, for the company ofothers either, if it's a partner
or friends, they gotta bealways with someone, or busy and
(26:53):
playing video games, or busy inthe phone scrolling the whole
time, because they cannot be ontheir own.
And if you think about it, howsad is that, that you cannot
enjoy your own company?
(27:14):
And it might not be your faultbecause, again, coming back to
your trauma, your wounds and allthat, probably that's why,
right, it's a mechanism for youto having to be there all the
(27:35):
time because you are not willingto be on your own, you are not
(27:56):
willing to do the work, to getto know yourself, to love
yourself, to care for yourself.
Yeah, so how is your experiencein there, you know, on being
alone as loneliness, or justbeing like being nourished by
(28:21):
your solitude, by enjoying yourown company, wow.
And last but not least, let'stalk about fan friends.
Let's get a bit spicy here.
Yeah, I just yeah.
I just watched a movie and theywere calling them fan friends
(28:43):
and I think it sounds nicer thansaying fact friends, right,
because that's the truth.
And I thought at the same timethat it was funny because I came
when I wrote about this topic,about dating.
This was back like a month agoor something, and there's no
coincidence that I'm actuallyfinally recording this today
(29:08):
because of an experience thatI've been going through.
Anyway, I don't know if it'seasy for you to have fun friends
, for you to have fun friends.
What I came to realize for meis when I get sexually intimate
(29:29):
with someone, I fall in love.
That happens.
Well, I started loving thembefore, but then, of course, it
goes to a deeper level, and thishappened, I remember, in before
.
But then, of course, it goes toa deeper level, and this
happened, I remember, in mymid-20s, and now it's happening
in my 40s.
So I'm not sure I'm going tokeep doing that again.
(29:52):
So I would just rather befriends with this person because
, again, I love myself and it'svery easy for me to love
everyone.
Yeah, I love you and I don'teven know you.
Yes, you, dear, listening, Ilove you because I know you
exist, I know you are there andI have love to share.
(30:14):
So why not giving it to youwhile you are listening here,
right?
So, yeah, allow yourself toreceive the love from a person
that you may know and you mightnot know.
Well, you're getting to know mehere for a bit.
(30:49):
So, yeah, I don't know if fanfriends work for you, if it's
easier to you to for you, youknow, to sleep around, probably
that's your preference, that'swhat you, what's what your
intention is with relationships,but at least it's not mine,
it's not mine, mine and I just,yeah, like in these days, I just
was talking with my friend andI realized I knew this
relationship was not going to gofurther since the very
(31:13):
beginning.
And then, this last time thatwe met, I realized that, yeah,
like this time.
Well, first of all, going backto the body, my body was
responding differently this timeand you know, it was not all
this excitement as before, and Inoticed it was protecting
herself.
(31:33):
Yes, the body is very wise, myfriend.
It was already protectingitself because it didn't want to
get hurt and it happened and Itook full responsibility for it
and I told him and I said youknow what?
Because I am hurt and I'mtaking again the responsibility
(31:57):
for it, I think it's better ifwe just continue being friends,
because I enjoy spending timewith you a lot, our
conversations are great, we havefun, we do activities and stuff
, so I guess we can keep it tothat, you know, and he agreed,
he did agree.
Then, from there I don't knowwhen that's going to happen
(32:17):
again, because you know thereneeds to be some healing in
there again, because you knowthere needs to be some healing
in there, but it's, it's part ofit, it's part of the human
experience, you know.
So, yeah, I think my decisionfrom now on is not to have fun
friends, at least not fuckfriends, just to have fun with
them, but not sexually involved,because then it goes into a
(32:40):
deeper level.
From my side, yes, so that'swhat's my share for today.
I don't know what you haverelated more or less to what I
have been talking about this.
And yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,because dating or being in a
romantic relationship.
(33:01):
It always comes back to you.
It comes back to the self andagain, the more you know who you
are, the more you know yourworth.
The more you do the inner work,the more self-care you do, the
(33:25):
more you know about your valuesand what you want, the less
complicating dating is going tobe and the less complicating
finding a partner that matcheswhat you really want is going to
be.
Don't you think?
(33:46):
I do think.
I hope you enjoyed this episode.
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.
Yeah, this was fun to sharewith you and I would like you to
share back with me.
So please send me a DM atmidlifebutterfly on Instagram or
(34:10):
, if we're connected to Facebook, just let me know.
If you're on Spotify, you canactually write your comments
right away.
Or if you're listening in ApplePodcasts, you can leave a
review and you can sharewhatever you want in there.
It is my pleasure being here.
It is, you know.
(34:32):
I feel it like a privilegeactually to share my stories,
because I know it can relate inone way in another with you and
we learn from others and we canalso realize that we are not
alone in this path, in thishuman experience, right?
(34:52):
So, yeah, come and share withme, because I don't know you and
I would like to know more aboutyou, sending you, as usual, a
lot of love.
Take care of yourself and Ihope to see you here next time.
(35:12):
Thank you for joining me today.
My love, if this episodesparked something in you, take a
moment to reflect or evenjournal on what came up, and if
you feel cold, share with yourfriend, who might need this too.
You know, and you can alwaysfind me on Instagram, at
(35:33):
midlifebutterfly, and, of course, tune in every week for more
real, soulful conversation aboutlove, transitions and creating
your most powerful chapter inlife.
Until next time, remember youare worthy, you are whole, you
are love.
I love you.
You are free and keep enjoyingthis beautiful human experience.
(35:59):
Take care.
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