October 21, 2025 • 21 mins
You’ve spent years being the rock, the giver, the caretaker — the one who keeps it all together. But what happens when the woman holding everyone else up starts to crumble inside?
In this raw and liberating episode, Kena calls out the toxic myths that have kept midlife women small.
Through laughter, truth, and a few well-placed “fuck thats,” she flips the script: self-care isn’t indulgence — it’s sacred rebellion. You’ll learn how to fill your own cup first, release resentment, and reconnect to your soul’s whispers of peace, pleasure, and expansion.
By the end, you’ll remember what it feels like to give from overflow, not depletion. Because when you choose you first, life starts flowing with more ease, joy, and freedom.
✨ In This Episode You’ll Learn
- The 5 myths that keep midlife women stuck in self-sacrifice
- Why choosing yourself first is an act of love, not selfishness
- How resentment fades when you give from a full cup
- The truth about slowing down and letting life support you
- A soulful practice to reconnect with your heart and soul
🦋 Reflection Questions
- Where have I been abandoning myself in the name of being “good”?
- What would shift if I believed that my needs are sacred, not selfish?
- How can I fill my own cup today — even in one small, loving way?
If this lands, follow the show, leave a review to help more women find it. And share with me @midlifebutterfly on Instagram, what’s the 'fuck that' moment you're done with?
Midlife empowerment podcast, healing journey for women, self-love and boundaries, spiritual awakening midlife, women reinvention after divorce, how to prioritize yourself, finding joy in midlife
- - - - -
Learn more about RESET, the Intimate Women's Retreat to pause, play & connect. From October 23-26 in the Laurentians, close to Montreal, Qc, Canada. Check the details and reserve your spot: https://midlifebutterfly.ca/resetretreat - Over 30% discount. DM for details!
If this story touched your heart, share it with another woman who’s navigating her own transition.
And if you’re ready to reconnect with yourself and create your next chapter with more freedom, joy, and alignment, join me on Instagram @midlifebutterfly
or explore The Butterfly Path coaching journey.
Download the Midlife Butterfly Guide with 5 Radical Practices to Heal, Take Your Power Back & Rise
Song: Reborn by Alexander Nakarada
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Kena Siu (00:00):
If you spend most of your life putting everyone else
first, your kids, your partner,your parents, your career, well,
this is your wake-up call,women.
Because nobody's handing youpermission to go first.
Nobody will, so you gotta goand take it.
You first, not your to-do list,not their feelings, you.
(00:23):
So fuck that.
You first.
And this isn't about ego, it'sabout energy.
Because when you finally chooseyourself, you stop living from
leftovers and start giving fromoverflow.
Midlife butterfly, a woman inthe sacred in-between.
(00:45):
She's not who she once was, andnot quite who she's becoming
yet.
She's unraveling, awakening,remembering.
She's navigating lifetransitions, divorce, loss,
impatient, and moods, with aburning desire for freedom, joy,
and souled living.
She feels the pull to rise, tofly.
(01:06):
She's no longer afraid of herown wings.
Welcome back to the Mid LifeButterfly Podcast.
This is Ken Assyou, your host.
And yeah, I know this is a hardtruth, but we gotta speak it
up.
I mean, you first.
That's it.
That's it, that's all.
(01:27):
And I'm gonna tell yousomething.
In my last partnership, in therelationship that I have for 10
years, at one point, I mean, inthe last years, it was really
like draining.
And I noticed that I wasspending a lot of energy and
(01:48):
putting a lot of you know mentalload and uh you know,
organizing, planning, nuturing,and you know, taking care of the
relationship.
I'm not saying he was not doinganything, he was doing his
part, but then but the truth isI realized I became his mom.
I mean, I literally become themom of my husband, taking care
(02:11):
of like saying you know, you'respending too much money in your
vices or this, that, you know,until I mean we chose not to
have kids, and I was literallytaking care of a grown-up man.
And the thing is, I mean, Ibecame his caregiver, he was not
my partner anymore.
I was so freaking exhausted,and at the end, I mean, I felt
(02:34):
resentful, we were disconnected,and we literally felt you know
out of touch.
Not only for this, there wereother situations.
I mean, it's a marriage, bothof us we have our own parts, but
this is one moment when I waslike, fuck that, like I'm done,
(02:55):
and I realized I gottaprioritize myself.
That's the thing.
I am the creator of my joy, andI noticed that I felt into a
plateau, and there was no morejoy, no more magic, and I chose
me.
I started honoring myself.
(03:21):
Yeah, it took me a while torealize that because it's not
easy, and I'm gonna tell youwhat it's not easy because I'm
gonna talk about five mythshere, you know, to just break up
this paradigm of us thinkingthat we need to be the good
(03:45):
woman all the time, you know.
So let's be real and I'm justfreaking call it out here.
And the first myth, and I thinkyou I mean, all of them you
have heard about it.
I just want you to hear themagain, just to finally like put
it out there because I'm sofucking fed up of it, and you
(04:06):
probably are too.
Probably in your silence,probably your soul is freaking
screaming it out, but no, youneed to be the good woman.
So I'm not gonna say anythingand just follow the fucking
rules.
So, no, please, please stopdoing that.
(04:27):
Please stop the self-sacrificeand start the self-honouring
because you deserve it.
Okay, so he goes myth numberone: prioritizing yourself is
selfish.
Is it really?
I believe it's sacred.
(04:48):
Because we come here alone asindividuals, and we're gonna
live here alone as individuals.
The thing is, we gotta fill,you gotta fill up your cup
first.
Why?
From a full cup, you can givefrom love and abundance.
When you don't have a full cup,you give from guilt, from lack,
(05:14):
and then you feel resentment toothers, don't you?
So don't blame them.
It's up to you to prioritizeyourself, you know, and then
besides, if someone is tellingyou, oh, you are selfish,
selfish because you know theirdemands are the ones who you're
(05:35):
supposed to prioritize, thenwho's really the selfish one?
Just answer that question.
Myth number two, everyone elseshould come here first.
Kids, partners, parents, work.
Fact that.
(05:56):
Be done with being the last inthe list.
As women, especially, we wereraised this way.
To believe that we have to bethe last ones because then we
are got the good ones.
But again, if you keep pouringfrom an empty cup, everyone ends
(06:19):
up thirsty.
Because if you are not good, ifyou don't feel good, if your
well-being and your health isnot good, that's reflecting in
everyone else.
Are you getting it here?
(06:40):
I hope you're following me,because I know it's it's it's
something hard to understand,but that's the thing.
When you are good, when you arefeeling good, that ripple
effect is gonna follow.
(07:03):
And the same is vice versa.
If you are not doing well, ifyour health is not good, if
you're in a bad mood, tired, andyou know, with resentment and
frustration, that ripple effectwill also go to the people
around you.
So, again, you first.
(07:26):
Myth number three.
I'll focus on me when thingssettle down.
This is such a bullshit.
Things will never settle down.
Every time we're living at sucha speed, life is getting even
(07:48):
faster.
It will never settle down.
Because there's always gonna beanother demand, another crisis,
another person who's gonna needyou.
And when are you gonna take themoment to choose yourself?
Because that's the only momentthat you're gonna get your own
(08:14):
peace when you start choosingyourself.
You only you, you have thatpower.
You have it.
Myth number four (08:28):
I should be grateful for what I have.
Who am I to want more?
You are a beautiful human beingwho comes from the creator,
from the divine that isinfinite.
(08:51):
So, why the hell would youthink that you don't deserve
more?
Why were you doing that?
It doesn't make sense, isn'tit?
And that's why my voice breaks,because we feel ashamed to ask
(09:11):
for more.
Yes, we feel grateful.
We feel grateful for what wehave, but at the same time, it's
like, oh, why should I desiremore?
Because you're a human beingand you come in here to live
this human experience, and wewant to expand, we want to grow,
we want to have adventures, wewant to spend money, we want to
(09:36):
have beautiful moments with ourdear ones and travel to places.
Fucking own it, you want more.
The thing is, we are such agivers.
More, you as a woman, you aresuch a giver that we are so bad
(09:59):
at receiving, and that's thething we gotta learn to receive.
That's the only way you cangenerate more abundance in your
life, otherwise, you're blockingit.
So it's up to you.
You first, yes, be grateful andyes, want more, and yes, be
(10:25):
ready to receive it all becausethe creator, universe, the
divine God is here for you togive you whatever the fuck you
want, because you deserve it,you are worthy of it, and it
(10:46):
comes to me.
Number five, my worth comesfrom how much I give or achieve.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
You are worthy just by beingjust that's it, you are
existing, and that's your worth.
(11:09):
That's it.
So yeah, we believe that no, Igotta do this.
I wanna help people, I gottaserve, take care of everyone
else first to gain your worth,or you have to achieve things to
(11:31):
gain your worth?
No, you are a human being, nota human doing.
So you are worthy just byexisting, and you don't have to
give or achieve anything orcreate anything or nothing or
(11:54):
nobody you're worthy, know that.
And if you don't believe me,just take a moment to connect
with your heart, take a momentto listen to your soul, and then
(12:16):
you'll tell me otherwise.
And I'm telling you to connectto your heart or your soul, not
to your mind, because the mindis the one that is programmed,
it's the one that isconditioned.
So, yeah.
(12:36):
First, you isn't about beingselfish, it's about being so
full of your own love, of yourown truth, your own energy, that
everything you give comes fromoverflow.
Remember, I told you before tofill up your cup?
(12:58):
Yes, it comes from thatoverflow of taking care of you
first to live from love, fromabundance, no more lack and
resentment.
It's about coming home toyourself again and again because
(13:24):
being you first, it's aboutself-care.
It's about habits that nurtureyou.
It's about speaking your truth,it's about prioritizing
yourself, it's about pleasingyourself before pleasing others.
(13:47):
Let go of the sacrifice, let goof giving it all.
Honor yourself, please yourselfbecause do you know what?
You don't need permission tochoose you, that's a permission
(14:10):
granted.
You need to remember that youare allowed, you are fucking
allowed to be first.
If you are able to close youreyes, I invite you to do so.
(14:37):
If you are driving or doingsomething else that it needs
your attention, just keeplistening and you can do this
practice later on, okay?
So, right now I invite you totake a deep breath with me,
breathing in through the nose,out through the mouth, breathing
(15:01):
in through the nose, outthrough the mouth, and softening
your heart, your beautifulheart that is beating there for
you 24-7, and you don't have todo anything about it.
So feel its beat, feel it, andfrom there connect with your
(15:37):
soul.
It is there, it is there andlisten to her whisper.
What does she need today?
Is it peace, stillness, rest?
(16:02):
Maybe she needs to process anemotion.
Allow yourself that answer toflow through you.
It comes from your heart, fromyour soul.
(16:23):
It doesn't come from your mind.
It's not about the mind at thismoment.
I probably you already have theanswer, you already receive it.
Or probably you're gonnareceive it later.
So just be aware of the signsaround you.
It's as simple as this to putyourself first.
(16:52):
It's as simple as connecting toyour soul, to your heart by
noticing your breath and yourheartbeat.
And if you have the time now, Iinvite you to journal on this.
(17:16):
What is it that I need that Idesire?
And after you write about this,what is a small step towards
(17:37):
that that you can take today?
Just one.
And remember that every timeyou choose you, you shift your
reality because you are thatcreator.
It's up to you when you putyourself first, you can live
(18:06):
with more ease and flow.
So choose one thing to do justfor yourself every single day.
Something that fills up yourcup.
And please, the enemy, yourbiggest fuck that moment.
Share it to me on Instagram,midlife butterfly, because I
(18:32):
want to celebrate you.
I would love to do that.
Yeah, this is it should not,but it's actually revolutionary,
just to say fuck that.
First you.
Yes.
And I want to invite you tosave the date because from
(18:56):
November 19th to 21st, I'm gonnabe given uh first you, a
three-day homecoming experience.
So just save the date.
I'm gonna be sharing moredetails soon.
Because it's time to rememberwho the hell you are, my dear,
and reconnect with her.
Yes, you first, always.
(19:22):
Always.
Thank you so much forlistening.
It is a pleasure.
Oh my god, this was so freakingjuicy and exciting to share
with you.
I danced like a few songsbefore starting this, and I just
(19:42):
felt that energy of pleasureand power to come and share this
with you.
Because everything starts firstwith you, and that's the energy
that I want to give you.
And because from that, you thatit can feel this empowered and
energized and loving andexciting, as you can, you know,
(20:08):
hear me now, you can create thatin your life, you can by
choosing yourself first everytime, and believe me, people are
going to notice it and theywould like to know more about
it, and then all these mythsthat we talked about it before,
(20:31):
you will realize that yeah, theyare only myths.
That's not true.
Because first, it's you.
Much love to you and have awonderful, wonderful day.
Thank you for tuning in toMidlife Butterfly.
(20:51):
I hope this episode empowersyou in some way.
Share the love by hittingfollow whatever you're listening
and leave a review if you feelinspired.
I also love to connect withyou.
Come say hi on Instagram atMidlife Butterfly.
I love to know you.
Until next time, keep spreadingthose wings and leave enjoy
growth and play.
If you spend most of your life putting everyone else
first, your kids, your partner,your parents, your career, well,
this is your wake-up call,women.
Because nobody's handing youpermission to go first.
Nobody will, so you gotta goand take it.
You first, not your to-do list,not their feelings, you.
(00:23):
So fuck that.
You first.
And this isn't about ego, it'sabout energy.
Because when you finally chooseyourself, you stop living from
leftovers and start giving fromoverflow.
Midlife butterfly, a woman inthe sacred in-between.
(00:45):
She's not who she once was, andnot quite who she's becoming
yet.
She's unraveling, awakening,remembering.
She's navigating lifetransitions, divorce, loss,
impatient, and moods, with aburning desire for freedom, joy,
and souled living.
She feels the pull to rise, tofly.
(01:06):
She's no longer afraid of herown wings.
Welcome back to the Mid LifeButterfly Podcast.
This is Ken Assyou, your host.
And yeah, I know this is a hardtruth, but we gotta speak it
up.
I mean, you first.
That's it.
That's it, that's all.
(01:27):
And I'm gonna tell yousomething.
In my last partnership, in therelationship that I have for 10
years, at one point, I mean, inthe last years, it was really
like draining.
And I noticed that I wasspending a lot of energy and
(01:48):
putting a lot of you know mentalload and uh you know,
organizing, planning, nuturing,and you know, taking care of the
relationship.
I'm not saying he was not doinganything, he was doing his
part, but then but the truth isI realized I became his mom.
I mean, I literally become themom of my husband, taking care
(02:11):
of like saying you know, you'respending too much money in your
vices or this, that, you know,until I mean we chose not to
have kids, and I was literallytaking care of a grown-up man.
And the thing is, I mean, Ibecame his caregiver, he was not
my partner anymore.
I was so freaking exhausted,and at the end, I mean, I felt
(02:34):
resentful, we were disconnected,and we literally felt you know
out of touch.
Not only for this, there wereother situations.
I mean, it's a marriage, bothof us we have our own parts, but
this is one moment when I waslike, fuck that, like I'm done,
(02:55):
and I realized I gottaprioritize myself.
That's the thing.
I am the creator of my joy, andI noticed that I felt into a
plateau, and there was no morejoy, no more magic, and I chose
me.
I started honoring myself.
(03:21):
Yeah, it took me a while torealize that because it's not
easy, and I'm gonna tell youwhat it's not easy because I'm
gonna talk about five mythshere, you know, to just break up
this paradigm of us thinkingthat we need to be the good
(03:45):
woman all the time, you know.
So let's be real and I'm justfreaking call it out here.
And the first myth, and I thinkyou I mean, all of them you
have heard about it.
I just want you to hear themagain, just to finally like put
it out there because I'm sofucking fed up of it, and you
(04:06):
probably are too.
Probably in your silence,probably your soul is freaking
screaming it out, but no, youneed to be the good woman.
So I'm not gonna say anythingand just follow the fucking
rules.
So, no, please, please stopdoing that.
(04:27):
Please stop the self-sacrificeand start the self-honouring
because you deserve it.
Okay, so he goes myth numberone: prioritizing yourself is
selfish.
Is it really?
I believe it's sacred.
(04:48):
Because we come here alone asindividuals, and we're gonna
live here alone as individuals.
The thing is, we gotta fill,you gotta fill up your cup
first.
Why?
From a full cup, you can givefrom love and abundance.
When you don't have a full cup,you give from guilt, from lack,
(05:14):
and then you feel resentment toothers, don't you?
So don't blame them.
It's up to you to prioritizeyourself, you know, and then
besides, if someone is tellingyou, oh, you are selfish,
selfish because you know theirdemands are the ones who you're
(05:35):
supposed to prioritize, thenwho's really the selfish one?
Just answer that question.
Myth number two, everyone elseshould come here first.
Kids, partners, parents, work.
Fact that.
(05:56):
Be done with being the last inthe list.
As women, especially, we wereraised this way.
To believe that we have to bethe last ones because then we
are got the good ones.
But again, if you keep pouringfrom an empty cup, everyone ends
(06:19):
up thirsty.
Because if you are not good, ifyou don't feel good, if your
well-being and your health isnot good, that's reflecting in
everyone else.
Are you getting it here?
(06:40):
I hope you're following me,because I know it's it's it's
something hard to understand,but that's the thing.
When you are good, when you arefeeling good, that ripple
effect is gonna follow.
(07:03):
And the same is vice versa.
If you are not doing well, ifyour health is not good, if
you're in a bad mood, tired, andyou know, with resentment and
frustration, that ripple effectwill also go to the people
around you.
So, again, you first.
(07:26):
Myth number three.
I'll focus on me when thingssettle down.
This is such a bullshit.
Things will never settle down.
Every time we're living at sucha speed, life is getting even
(07:48):
faster.
It will never settle down.
Because there's always gonna beanother demand, another crisis,
another person who's gonna needyou.
And when are you gonna take themoment to choose yourself?
Because that's the only momentthat you're gonna get your own
(08:14):
peace when you start choosingyourself.
You only you, you have thatpower.
You have it.
Myth number four (08:28):
I should be grateful for what I have.
Who am I to want more?
You are a beautiful human beingwho comes from the creator,
from the divine that isinfinite.
(08:51):
So, why the hell would youthink that you don't deserve
more?
Why were you doing that?
It doesn't make sense, isn'tit?
And that's why my voice breaks,because we feel ashamed to ask
(09:11):
for more.
Yes, we feel grateful.
We feel grateful for what wehave, but at the same time, it's
like, oh, why should I desiremore?
Because you're a human beingand you come in here to live
this human experience, and wewant to expand, we want to grow,
we want to have adventures, wewant to spend money, we want to
(09:36):
have beautiful moments with ourdear ones and travel to places.
Fucking own it, you want more.
The thing is, we are such agivers.
More, you as a woman, you aresuch a giver that we are so bad
(09:59):
at receiving, and that's thething we gotta learn to receive.
That's the only way you cangenerate more abundance in your
life, otherwise, you're blockingit.
So it's up to you.
You first, yes, be grateful andyes, want more, and yes, be
(10:25):
ready to receive it all becausethe creator, universe, the
divine God is here for you togive you whatever the fuck you
want, because you deserve it,you are worthy of it, and it
(10:46):
comes to me.
Number five, my worth comesfrom how much I give or achieve.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
You are worthy just by beingjust that's it, you are
existing, and that's your worth.
(11:09):
That's it.
So yeah, we believe that no, Igotta do this.
I wanna help people, I gottaserve, take care of everyone
else first to gain your worth,or you have to achieve things to
(11:31):
gain your worth?
No, you are a human being, nota human doing.
So you are worthy just byexisting, and you don't have to
give or achieve anything orcreate anything or nothing or
(11:54):
nobody you're worthy, know that.
And if you don't believe me,just take a moment to connect
with your heart, take a momentto listen to your soul, and then
(12:16):
you'll tell me otherwise.
And I'm telling you to connectto your heart or your soul, not
to your mind, because the mindis the one that is programmed,
it's the one that isconditioned.
So, yeah.
(12:36):
First, you isn't about beingselfish, it's about being so
full of your own love, of yourown truth, your own energy, that
everything you give comes fromoverflow.
Remember, I told you before tofill up your cup?
(12:58):
Yes, it comes from thatoverflow of taking care of you
first to live from love, fromabundance, no more lack and
resentment.
It's about coming home toyourself again and again because
(13:24):
being you first, it's aboutself-care.
It's about habits that nurtureyou.
It's about speaking your truth,it's about prioritizing
yourself, it's about pleasingyourself before pleasing others.
(13:47):
Let go of the sacrifice, let goof giving it all.
Honor yourself, please yourselfbecause do you know what?
You don't need permission tochoose you, that's a permission
(14:10):
granted.
You need to remember that youare allowed, you are fucking
allowed to be first.
If you are able to close youreyes, I invite you to do so.
(14:37):
If you are driving or doingsomething else that it needs
your attention, just keeplistening and you can do this
practice later on, okay?
So, right now I invite you totake a deep breath with me,
breathing in through the nose,out through the mouth, breathing
(15:01):
in through the nose, outthrough the mouth, and softening
your heart, your beautifulheart that is beating there for
you 24-7, and you don't have todo anything about it.
So feel its beat, feel it, andfrom there connect with your
(15:37):
soul.
It is there, it is there andlisten to her whisper.
What does she need today?
Is it peace, stillness, rest?
(16:02):
Maybe she needs to process anemotion.
Allow yourself that answer toflow through you.
It comes from your heart, fromyour soul.
(16:23):
It doesn't come from your mind.
It's not about the mind at thismoment.
I probably you already have theanswer, you already receive it.
Or probably you're gonnareceive it later.
So just be aware of the signsaround you.
It's as simple as this to putyourself first.
(16:52):
It's as simple as connecting toyour soul, to your heart by
noticing your breath and yourheartbeat.
And if you have the time now, Iinvite you to journal on this.
(17:16):
What is it that I need that Idesire?
And after you write about this,what is a small step towards
(17:37):
that that you can take today?
Just one.
And remember that every timeyou choose you, you shift your
reality because you are thatcreator.
It's up to you when you putyourself first, you can live
(18:06):
with more ease and flow.
So choose one thing to do justfor yourself every single day.
Something that fills up yourcup.
And please, the enemy, yourbiggest fuck that moment.
Share it to me on Instagram,midlife butterfly, because I
(18:32):
want to celebrate you.
I would love to do that.
Yeah, this is it should not,but it's actually revolutionary,
just to say fuck that.
First you.
Yes.
And I want to invite you tosave the date because from
(18:56):
November 19th to 21st, I'm gonnabe given uh first you, a
three-day homecoming experience.
So just save the date.
I'm gonna be sharing moredetails soon.
Because it's time to rememberwho the hell you are, my dear,
and reconnect with her.
Yes, you first, always.
(19:22):
Always.
Thank you so much forlistening.
It is a pleasure.
Oh my god, this was so freakingjuicy and exciting to share
with you.
I danced like a few songsbefore starting this, and I just
(19:42):
felt that energy of pleasureand power to come and share this
with you.
Because everything starts firstwith you, and that's the energy
that I want to give you.
And because from that, you thatit can feel this empowered and
energized and loving andexciting, as you can, you know,
(20:08):
hear me now, you can create thatin your life, you can by
choosing yourself first everytime, and believe me, people are
going to notice it and theywould like to know more about
it, and then all these mythsthat we talked about it before,
(20:31):
you will realize that yeah, theyare only myths.
That's not true.
Because first, it's you.
Much love to you and have awonderful, wonderful day.
Thank you for tuning in toMidlife Butterfly.
(20:51):
I hope this episode empowersyou in some way.
Share the love by hittingfollow whatever you're listening
and leave a review if you feelinspired.
I also love to connect withyou.
Come say hi on Instagram atMidlife Butterfly.
I love to know you.
Until next time, keep spreadingthose wings and leave enjoy
growth and play.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
CrimeLess: Hillbilly Heist
It’s 1996 in rural North Carolina, and an oddball crew makes history when they pull off America’s third largest cash heist. But it’s all downhill from there. Join host Johnny Knoxville as he unspools a wild and woolly tale about a group of regular ‘ol folks who risked it all for a chance at a better life. CrimeLess: Hillbilly Heist answers the question: what would you do with 17.3 million dollars? The answer includes diamond rings, mansions, velvet Elvis paintings, plus a run for the border, murder-for-hire-plots, and FBI busts.