Relationships end for countless reasons, but what happens when the person isn't "bad" – you're just fundamentally different? In this deeply personal episode, Kayla opens up about her recent breakup from a year-and-a-half relationship that ended just a week before recording.
"I'm a professional self-sabotager," Kayla admits while exploring her fearful-avoidant attachment style. Her candid reflection on how childhood trauma – being uprooted frequently, experiencing foster care, and separation from her mother – impacts her adult relationships resonates powerfully. She shares the particular challenge of grieving someone who's still alive but no longer in your life, a unique pain many listeners will recognize.
The conversation evolves naturally into dating horror stories (including an awkward Soho House encounter with a date who claimed to be "sick"), green flags to look for, and those little "icks" that can doom a relationship before it starts. Kayla and Vanessa share personal lessons they've learned the hard way, like Kayla realizing she shouldn't date men whose primary goal is becoming a husband and father when she doesn't share those aspirations.
Between vulnerable moments come bursts of laughter and wisdom about finding balance between career ambition and personal contentment. "We have big thoughts, big vision, big energy," Vanessa notes, "but those little pieces of gratitude are going to help reform and reshape that mold for you."
Whether you're processing your own breakup, navigating the dating world, or simply trying to understand your attachment style better, this episode offers both comfort and clarity. Listen in, take a few cleansing breaths with us, and remember: healing isn't linear, but it is possible.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Universe.
Did you hear that?
Speaker 2 (00:02):
Because this is what we want.
Okay, If there happens to be arandom sack sitting outside as
we walk to our car full of money, we would appreciate it We'll
take it All right.
Welcome back everyone to Milkand Honeys.
This episode is going to be alittle bit different than the
(00:23):
others and I thought maybe whichI've never suggested this
before and I think you might getemotional with what I'm about
to ask, but maybe, before we getinto it, we start with um three
cleansing breaths.
Say it louder.
Say it louder.
Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1 (00:41):
We're going to do three cleansing breaths.
Please join us.
We're going to be talking aboutsome real raw things.
I'm Vanessa by the way You'reone of your hosts, and obviously
you guys know the beautifulKayla Becker.
All right, so everyone with us,close your eyes, let all the
air out.
(01:01):
Take a deep breath in.
Let it go.
(01:23):
Another breath in, let it goOne more, the biggest one.
Take a deep breath in Takingeven more air.
Hold it, let it go.
By my calculations that wasfour.
No, you're just sipping in moreair.
You know we she almost got itthe first time we did this.
She made it through likehalfway of the second breath,
and I could just tell she wasstaring at me, because I closed
my eyes too, except I waspeeking at you a little bit to
(01:43):
see if you were actually Justnow.
Speaker 2 (01:44):
Yeah, I did it, you did it, I did it.
Speaker 1 (01:46):
You did it, she just.
You know it's fine Well we'regetting there.
We're getting there.
Well, we needed that.
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (01:51):
Oh my God, I'm so, I'm just like so proud Growth.
So maybe you guys are growingwith us.
Speaker 1 (02:01):
Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (02:02):
By the way, before we get going, I can't help but
look at your top.
It's very, very cute.
Oh, thank you.
She's our fashion queen, MissModel.
Speaker 1 (02:08):
Thank you.
This is actually my friend'scompany called Doves of Dawn.
Shout out to Dora Owosu.
She is the owner of the company.
She is also a beautiful modelactress as well entrepreneur,
and yeah, we just gotta.
You know, jerky, I love a goodscarf moment head.
(02:29):
She has so many, uh differentdesigns to wear.
I'll definitely wear more andall.
Every time I wear I'll be like,hey, this is doves of dawn,
it's gonna be a totallydifferent thing, so yeah, at
doves of dawn, go check it out.
Speaker 2 (02:37):
So many cute ways to wear her scarves all right,
he'll uh scarves, but we'retalking about scars, the ones of
the heart, um.
So you know, if I figured thisis, this is a safe space.
You know, we're we're allfriends now and I feel like at
this point of the show, you guyshave gotten to know us, we let
you guys get to know us.
(02:58):
So I thought it was also maybea place where I can talk about
something that I've been goingthrough, that I haven't yet
talked about publicly, buteveryone knows the feeling of
this.
I am going through a breakup.
I've been dating someone forthe last year and a half.
I don't really publicly postabout it, so you may not even
(03:19):
know I've been in a relationship.
I kind of keep that under wraps.
I try to protect that part of mylife, but unfortunately we have
decided to no longer betogether.
So, yeah, that's kind of been,you know, consuming a lot of my
mental space over the lastcouple of weeks.
It's a lot of energy.
It is it is a lot of energy,but I think it's, I mean, it's
(03:42):
been very sad.
It's one of those I haven'treally been one to do a lot of
energy, but I think it's, I mean, it's been very sad.
It's one of those I haven'treally been one to do a lot of
relationships, Like.
I feel like I've been veryselective over the years because
I typically don't like being inrelationships.
I very much like being alone.
I value my independence morethan anything.
But I met this guy and I wasn'treally looking.
I thought I was just going outto get like some free food.
Like he had asked me out likemany times before and I turned
(04:03):
him down every time and I waslike well, damn it.
Fine, like let's go get somefree food.
Money's tight so uh enjoy theconversation way more than I
thought I would.
He was super cute and like it'shard to find people who can,
like, carry on an intelligentconversation these days.
So it was very pleasantlysurprised of his like
intelligence and the way he canarticulate, the way he felt.
And then from then on we werejust kind of inseparable and we
(04:23):
had been living together for thelast probably like six months
and so, yeah, it's been, it'sit's been a tough, been a tough,
tough road.
It wasn't because, like he wasa bad guy or like I just think,
you know, we realized how justinnately different we are as
people and it was no longergoing to work, which sometimes
works right.
Speaker 1 (04:42):
Sometimes being very, very different does work, but
sometimes, if it's too different, you kind of fall out of like
that alignment with each otherand you're just kind of going in
two different directions.
Yeah, and it's not a bad thing.
No, it's a sad thing.
It's like a death.
We've talked about that.
You know it's like you're goingthrough a death.
Basically it's like a death ofa friendship, a death of a
(05:04):
partnership.
Speaker 2 (05:05):
And it's.
It's like you're going througha death.
Basically, it's like a death ofa friendship, a death of a
partnership.
It's so weird grieving someonethat's still alive, who you
could contact if you wanted to,but who don't.
It's such a weird feeling.
Speaker 1 (05:12):
Yeah, what made you realize that it wasn't going to
work?
Speaker 2 (05:20):
Well, I'm not going to lie.
I am a professionalself-sabotager.
Speaker 1 (05:24):
I'm just going to stay with that, aren't we all?
Speaker 2 (05:27):
Whether it's love, life, work, whatever, just this
thing I can't help about myself.
And also I've learned about myattachment styles, which I've
been reading about and talkingabout in therapy, and I think I
am a I don't know if I'm afearful or a what's the other
one?
Avoidant I think I'm a fearfulavoidant.
Fearful avoidant, whichbasically means that when
(05:49):
someone gets too close to me, Irun the other way.
Um, so I think that's a lot ofthat has to do with, like early
childhood and, I think, just thetrauma that comes from like
being uprooted every like yearto go to different schools and
being taken away from my mom,going to foster care and, like
you know, even with what?
even with my jobs and stuff, Ijust feel like I, I just it's my
(06:10):
, my fight or flight response isjust to leave and then, as soon
as someone sees too much of me,I'm like no, you can't see any
more of me right, um, and thenalso, if anyone tells me that
they don't like something thatI'm doing or a characteristic
that I had not physical, butjust a characteristic of my
personality I immediately shutdown and I'm like, well then,
(06:31):
this is your problem, I'm notchanging that, this is who I am.
So bye-bye.
So that's essentially.
I feel like there's a lot morethat's happened, but I think I
realized we started havingissues, probably like back in
December, and I think it wasjust very clear at that time
that some very important factorsand parts of our lives were
just so drastically differentRight that neither one of us
(06:52):
wanted to compromise on which isokay, it is, but I think, yeah,
that's an okay thing it is, butI think it's like almost like
lying to yourself that, oh, wecan still figure things out even
though we're not going to budgeon these things, and we just
like delayed the inevitable.
And then obviously it just hurtsmore because you're, you know,
stay together longer than youshould.
And then it gets to a pointwhere I feel like you start
(07:14):
resenting each other and yep,it's a, it's a, it's a very
quickly a very quick crumbleonce that first piece starts to
crack, you know.
Speaker 1 (07:26):
Um, was there?
Was there a moment that yourealized that you were
emotionally checked out?
Cause, like I feel like whenI'm checked out, you know I've
I've been in two five yearrelationships before the one
that I'm in now, and um myentire twenties I was in two
different relationships andalthough it took too long to
(07:48):
figure it out I'm a slow learner, so slow burner over here but
once I do figure it out, Ifigure it out, you know.
And yeah, when I'm checked out,they knew I was checked out.
Yeah, my whole energy justchanges.
I am checked out.
Yeah, I, my whole energy justchanges.
I am talking different.
And also I think, like in oneof my past relationships, I was
(08:11):
trying to give that person aninkling that this was going to
happen.
Yeah, you know, I was trying tobe short.
I wasn't saying I love youanymore.
I wasn't you know I wasn't beingall lovey-dovey, I was really
trying to do that.
But, like for you, since yoursis so fresh, you know, was there
a moment where you were likeI'm this, I'm checked out, Like
this is.
Speaker 2 (08:32):
I think it came in like a way of like like I still
love the guy for sure, but Ithink I think the moments I was
more intense with like oh, Idon't want to lose you, is when
we were cause we've gone throughthis kind of breakup thing a
few times and then like thepanic came in of like oh my God,
I can't lose you, don't leave,like um, because it's just that
like drastic change of havingsomeone there all the time that
you depend on to them not beingthere.
(08:52):
But I think I even noticed withlike intimacy and I I brought
up on like being a fearfulavoidant.
You also like have issues withbeing intimate, giving this part
of yourself that you don'tfully want to, right, and so
even he would notice it, like Iwouldn't, like you know, I would
never really initiate kisses orlike you know more intimate
things, and like the cuddlingkind of stopped and I felt so
bad because I know how much itwas hurting him because he still
(09:14):
wanted all of those things.
He's a very like he's moreanxious attachment and also he's
a very touchy person and I'mjust not and he had been dealing
.
He, you know, dealt with mynon-touchiness even during the
best parts of our relationship.
So now that we were like on theshambles, it was even more
noticeable, right?
Speaker 1 (09:30):
So I don't know, I feel like, yeah, I feel like I
probably Were you, did you findyourself letting go of that,
like not wanting to be touchedwhen you guys were in a good
place, more so, but I mean youguys were in a good place, more
so.
Speaker 2 (09:43):
But I mean, I've always been like I'm like a cat,
like yeah, come to me, I'llcome to you yeah, and then I'll
be all over you, but I don'tlive with, like, the other
person initiating it, and I'vebeen like that in all my
relationships for the most partI struggle with that sometimes
because I'm a very touchy, feely.
Speaker 1 (09:57):
I love to feel like the love and I've loved kisses
and like all the things.
But you know it, it is one ofthose funny things because my
boyfriend now not that he loveslike hugging and we cuddle all
the time, but like I'm way he'sprobably like a normal person,
cuddle and like, gives kisses,and I am the person that's like
no, no, no, I want to crawlinside your skin.
I remember when we first starteddating, he went to go to the
(10:21):
gym or something, and he told melike maybe like 40 minutes
before that, like I'm going togo to the gym at like two, 30 or
whatever.
But I happened to be sitting onthe couch and I told him I
wasn't going to go at that timeand then all of a sudden, I just
heard the door close and I waslike wait, did you just leave
without saying goodbye andgiving me a kiss?
And when he came back up I wasa little upset and so we had to
(10:42):
have a conversation about it,because he was like well, I was
just going to the gym, I wasgoing to be right back.
I'm like yeah, but like whathappens if, like, something
happens in the elevator?
and, like you, never come backand then the last thing I saw of
you was you walking out thedoor and just like not saying a
word to me.
So now, every time it's kind oflike a joke almost, but like he
does do it because we had aconversation about it.
(11:04):
That's funny, you know.
I think in relationships you,you want to do the best that you
can to provide for what yourpartner needs yeah always you
know no for sure, um, but yeah,so anyway, that's that's the
gist of that situation.
Speaker 2 (11:18):
Um, not gonna go too too deep in it, but I think it
will.
It is we kind of want to openup this conversation about, like
, what people do after breakupsor what the expectation is after
breakups.
And um, I know, for me as arecording mess it's only been
like a week so I've been, I'vehad like that really hot and
cold week for like I'll be fineand then I'll walk out into the
(11:38):
refrigerator and see his icecream in there and then just
break down and then have.
I took, I got a box and tookall of like her photos down and
uh, we also had a dog.
It was his dog and coming intothe relationship but she's been
mine for the last year and ahalf, but I mean I lost her too
and all of her dog toys arestill at my place and the place
still smells like her and it'slike those random moments and I
(12:05):
someone who's not used to crying.
Speaker 1 (12:05):
I feel like I've heard so much out, so for that
it's probably a good thing.
I mean like sobbed crying.
I mean I told you the other dayI said your energy is giving me
, that you're depleted, but I dofeel that your energy is
lighter, like I don't feel youranxiousness as much Like you
were very, very anxious, and Ican only because you know we
(12:27):
haven't known each other thatthat long.
But like when I first met you,when you moved here, you were
single, so I knew that side ofyou, even though, of course,
we're going to change, we'regoing to grow, we get in
relationships.
You know, things change,emotions change, energy changes.
But I do remember telling you Iwas like I want I just like
feel as though this is not youhere.
(12:51):
This is somebody that is beingmolded to be something else that
necessarily you're not.
You're not the one making thatdecision to mold that part of
you.
You know it's like you do.
You feel very, but yeah, I meanbreakups are.
It's like I said, it's a death.
It's basically a death of achapter in your life, but you've
(13:13):
been doing really, really good,I mean she feels crazy.
But you know, I always tell herI'm like girl cry.
If you need to punch yourpillow, like, put your face in
it no-transcript.
Speaker 2 (13:55):
I feel like I've been feeling it and you have to give
yourself time.
I mean, it's only been a week.
Speaker 1 (13:59):
So it's like you know , if we were having this
conversation like two monthslater, I'd be like girl you're
going to get there, but we gotto get there.
Like we got to get there, youknow, like it's time, but I mean
I don't know.
I feel like when I havesomething going on similar to
that, yeah, it takes like amonth, I think, to like really
be at a state of not even.
I don't want to say like great,like a great state, but just a
(14:20):
state of not even.
I don't want to say like great,like a great state, but just a
state of acceptance, of knowingokay this chapter is closed.
Yeah, it's okay, there's no badblood.
And even if there was bad blood, you cut that shit out anyway
and let it go.
You know which?
I think you've done a reallygood job at doing so.
I'm proud of you for that.
Speaker 2 (14:40):
well, luckily there's like we ended on once we got to
the end on good terms, so Idon't want bad blood either, and
I again, he's a wonderful,wonderful man and he deserves
the best.
But another, another thing thatwas just interesting is like so
I know, for me I've I've neverreally like imagined myself
getting married or havingchildren, like I've always kind
of known that I was.
Actually, you know, I wasengaged 10 years ago to a man,
(15:02):
great guy, but like I knew hewanted kids and he was willing
to give that up for me.
And that's something I couldn'tlive with, because I'm like I'm
not going to take that from you.
And it was very similar againwith this guy, Our first date.
This is how we knew we probablyshould have dated Our very
first date.
He said there's nothing in thislife he wants more than being a
husband and a father.
And I said there's nothing inthis life that I don't want more
(15:23):
than those things, Right.
And then we're like, well,let's just date and see what
happens, yeah.
And then here we are, a yearand a half later.
I still feel the same way aboutthose things Right.
Speaker 1 (15:29):
And he was willing to like change those things, and
I'm like I'm not going to be theone to take that from you,
because that's just going toend's like.
That's just going to be a fight.
You're going to be fighting forthe rest of your life.
I know, you know, I know.
And then, yeah, like you said,resentment, that shit creeps up
(15:53):
and builds up real quick.
Speaker 2 (15:55):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (16:01):
Real quick and if I don't want that thing, that
thing.
Speaker 2 (16:03):
That thing.
Speaker 1 (16:07):
Yeah, I feel like bringing a kid into this world
is very intense.
Yeah, it is not something thatyou're just like.
It'll work itself out.
I mean look at the end of theday, hopefully it does work
itself out in that situation, ifyou know, people are going
through it and they still decideto bring a life into this world
(16:27):
.
But it's not something a kid'snot going to like fix all the
problems, no, it's just going tobring like a thousand more into
the picture.
Speaker 2 (16:34):
So, and as someone who's been, you know the foster
care system on the first hand.
Some people like don't need tobe parents.
Speaker 1 (16:42):
Right, because, yeah, they just don't.
What do you think you willbring and do differently in your
next relationship, like if notto say I'm never dating again.
Speaker 2 (16:53):
Yeah, I was going to say not to say that you're
getting in a relationship.
Speaker 1 (16:56):
I'm single forever.
Look at the end of the day.
Being single I think we've saidthis before on the show is so
much easier than being in arelationship.
Speaker 2 (17:03):
It really is.
Speaker 1 (17:04):
You don't have to talk to anybody If you don't
want to talk to anybody?
You don't have to like, worryanything, you know, but um, but
like, like I said, there are menout there that you want to like
.
You know my, my boyfriend, likeI, I love texting him in the
morning or seeing a text fromhim in the morning.
We don't live together, wedon't live together.
So, or just you know.
(17:26):
But even for us it's likesometimes we FaceTime each other
and we're like hey, how's itgoing?
Good, good.
Speaker 2 (17:29):
You good, you good, all right Cool.
Speaker 1 (17:30):
All right, Well, I'll just be here.
He's like OK, I'll be here too.
Speaker 2 (17:33):
I think there's something beautiful about long
distance relationships which youhave.
I think I can been in longdistance relationships before I
feel like they've always donebetter for me, because I am not
the person who needs.
I can see someone every singleday, or like at least and that's
another thing us livingtogether in a small apartment in
(17:59):
LA, both of our careers in thisweird phase so we're like
around, we're watching a movietogether and we do it again.
It's like there was no time forus to just like miss each other
.
And I think for him, like Ithink he's one of those people
who enjoys that kind of lifewith his partner, which is great
I just like I need like maybetwo, at least two days out of
the week where I just do my ownthing.
Speaker 1 (18:20):
Yeah, you know he, he likes that consistency where
it's the same thing, it's likeit's like stuff for me.
Speaker 2 (18:24):
He just likes being together.
He just likes being like withhis partner all the time which
is great.
I think a lot of people are likethat.
I just know that I am not likethat and I just need to like and
it's not even about them notbeing there, like sometimes.
I just want to like, get out ofbed, go to the couch, put on a
sweat pants, turn on my show,eat a big bag of chips and just
be gross.
(18:44):
And he's like, oh, I'll do thatwith you.
I'm like oh, that's great.
That's not my point.
I don't want you there with meon these situations.
I want to just like be bymyself.
Speaker 1 (18:52):
I mean even even being in a long distance
relationship.
Sometimes, when we're together,I'll go into the bedroom and
read my book and he's on thecouch watching, most likely,
espn.
You know what I mean.
So sorry, he's on the couchwatching, most likely, espn you
know what I mean.
So sorry, but yes, espn, we knowit's always on the TV Go sports
, the go sports.
But you know, even us seeingeach other, we see each other,
(19:16):
you know, once a week, onceevery two weeks.
So we're really good atspending time with each other
when we do get to see each other.
But even so, with us beingtogether because we are going
into each other's spaces, likewhen we visit each other, yeah,
sometimes it's like, you know,or if I have like my girlfriends
over, he'll hang out with usfor a little bit and then maybe
(19:36):
go in the bedroom and like justget into bed and watch TV.
Probably ESPN, shout out toESPN.
So, yeah, I totally get it.
Space is important.
Yeah, I want to miss you.
Speaker 2 (19:48):
I want, yeah, I want to be able to miss you, and I
just think it was just, it wasunfortunate.
I think if we lived in a biggerplace or if I was working again
full time and he was workingfull time, it would have been
probably, maybe even a differentoutcome.
I think it was just like theluck of the draw and bad timing
getting into a relationship andI think I wasn't ready to be in
one, but I wanted, you know, Itried to be in one and I think
he was.
You know, he had way moreintention than I did.
Speaker 1 (20:10):
And so anyway, no, no bad blood, a phenomenal man.
Speaker 2 (20:14):
I do miss him dearly.
But yeah, the chapter for nowhas to be closed.
Speaker 1 (20:18):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (20:19):
So now I'm just trying to figure out what this
post-rel is.
Who is single?
Kayla?
She's been gone for a while.
I don't know how am I supposedto act now.
Like no, I'm not gonna beposting any.
Like I'm single now thirsttraps on Instagram.
Speaker 1 (20:30):
That's not really my style.
I mean, I think we should.
Speaker 2 (20:34):
I think we should.
I think we should, I think youshould cut all your hair off.
Speaker 1 (20:37):
Dye it blonde dye it blonde, put yourself in a string
bikini and let's just oh my god, I'm like, so performative,
like I'm on instagram all these.
Speaker 2 (20:48):
I'm doing so great and the camera's off.
Speaker 1 (20:50):
I'm like, oh my god yeah, you know, it's the breakup
culture.
Speaker 2 (20:53):
Everyone does it, everyone does it I the whole,
yeah, the whole like just toannounce that I'm single again.
Yeah, it's not my style.
I mean, obviously I'm tellingyou guys, but I saw I had this
friend who got broken up withand, um, he was very upset by it
, and then he posts on.
He posts like a thirst trap inthe mirror in the bathroom.
That was like back on thestreets or something like that.
(21:15):
I'm like that's so cringy to me,it's like it's like it gets us
to me, just like desperation,which I'm not.
Speaker 1 (21:21):
Yes, that is El Desperado.
What's the weirdest thing thatyou've done?
But you pretend you pretendedthat you were fine after a
breakup.
Speaker 2 (21:37):
Um, I don't know.
Um, I don't feel like I've doneanything.
That was like weird after.
I feel like I just kind ofcruise through my day.
Yeah, I was trying to think.
Maybe like after me and an exbroke up Because, like my ex
before him, we broke up and thenlike stayed friends for a long
time.
It was always hard for mebecause I always still had
(21:58):
feelings for him, but it justwasn't something that was
working out.
So then he would still inviteme to things with his friends.
So then I'd be like hanging outwith all of them, just like as
one of the boys, like hey, likewe're buddies.
But then I'm like dying inside.
But you're still in there withhim.
Yeah, yeah, exactly that isthat's like a way of like I
thought I'd feel better, but itjust made me feel worse, I guess
.
Or letting him tell me aboutthe new girls that he's like
hooking up with.
(22:19):
Go tap that ass.
Yeah, go tap that ass.
I didn't say that Like lettinghim think I was over it and I
wanted to know about his new sexlife with other women.
I'm such a cool girl.
I'm not like those other girls,I'm a cool girl.
(22:41):
I'm a cool girl.
Speaker 1 (22:46):
I'm like what have I done?
I guess like, maybe somethinglike I pretended that like I was
fine is like um, in in my pastrelationships they were really
controlling about you know, likehow much alcohol I drank or
like whatever.
It was just a very weird timein my life and, uh, when I broke
up with my boyfriend at onepoint I went out and like I
(23:06):
swear to you, I partied as if Iwas like 18 years old.
I was like I'm fine, I'm good,I'm better.
I thought I died the next dayand I was like OK, vanessa, you
are not 18 anymore, you can'tjust bounce back like this who
are you thinking and then likethat, like hangover, while
you're actually sad, to likethose emotions that come
hungover and like that likehangover, while you're actually
sad too, like those emotionsthat come hungover oh it's the
worst, are so bad, but you knowthe only thing that can fix that
(23:28):
what?
Mcdonald's.
Speaker 2 (23:30):
Oh, I thought you were going to say run it back,
hair of the dog.
No, let's go.
Speaker 1 (23:34):
McDonald's feel better, Mimosa.
Ibuprofen mimosa and keep itgoing, and keep it going until
you, till you die, that is ourword of advice?
Ooh, I have a good one.
What is a way that you balanceyour grief with online presence?
Because you know, both of us dohave an online presence, and
(23:57):
that is.
I mean you just said you don'treally post your relationship.
I mean I do.
Sorry, I keep hitting the mic.
Speaker 2 (24:04):
If you're listening and not watching, you keep
hearing this noise.
I know.
Speaker 1 (24:06):
I'm sorry.
Speaker 2 (24:06):
It's because Vanessa and I talk with our hands and we
keep hitting the mics andthey're sensitive, we must be
Italian.
Maybe there's somewhere deep,deep, deep in there.
Yes, we must be?
Speaker 1 (24:16):
What was the question I forgot?
Speaker 2 (24:17):
Just how to balance our grief with online persona.
Speaker 1 (24:20):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (24:20):
Because it is funny.
You see, especially celebritycouples, when they split,
they'll do a whole post Likejust wanted to announce that we
were no longer together, which Ithink is just stupid, I don't
know.
But like I do keep my personallife so private, so that way,
like I'm not going to post onInstagram Like I'm single again,
yeah, I had a boyfriend do awhole thing on Facebook.
Speaker 1 (24:41):
This is when, like Facebook was still like really
big and did a whole thing sayinglike please respect our privacy
and I'm like who do you thinkwe are Beyonce and Jay-Z?
I'm like what Please respectour privacy.
Speaker 2 (24:53):
My girlfriends and I were dying To my 30 followers.
Yeah, I was like what is?
Speaker 1 (24:59):
it was literally.
Please respect our privacy.
This is a hard time.
You didn't tell him he wasdoing this.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
After I broke up with him.
Speaker 2 (25:07):
I never spoke to him ever again.
Speaker 1 (25:08):
I still, this day, I've never spoken to him, and I
was just like, honestly like,but it was just so cringe that
it was so funny.
It was one of those momentswhere I was in such a weird
headspace, Um, but that shitjust made me laugh so hard.
I was like this is why I'm nolonger with you.
It probably helped you, likeget over it even more, oh yeah.
(25:29):
Because you're like why would Iwant to be with this person?
Absolutely, that is a majoritch.
Speaker 2 (25:32):
Absolutely, which we'll talk about too in a minute
.
Okay, well, now that I'm backin the streets, I'm back in
these streets, which and like Idon't want to go back to the
same situation where I'm notready for something and then,
but I do know, before I moved to, but no, sorry, before this
relationship, when I was livinghere in LA, I had some of the
worst dating experiences in theworld.
(25:54):
That made me I think it's whythis guy was so appealing to me,
because he was like oh, likebreath of fresh air.
I literally had this guy.
I wasn't.
You know, he's a cool guy.
We, we had gone and like wewent on it.
Well, he had asked me out andwe, but then he canceled the
first two times because of work,and I'm like, okay, and then no
, the first time I wouldn't havegiven a third one the first
(26:14):
time.
Speaker 1 (26:14):
Yeah, I was going to say one is fine, yes, Then we go
to dinner.
Speaker 2 (26:18):
We go to Soho house Like I was a member at he was
not, so I think I was justtrying to flex a little bit and
then we go to the have dinnerand then the bill comes and I'm
like, oh, like I'll pay, or I'llpay or whatever, and he just
let me put my card down.
I paid for the whole like $300dinner.
(26:38):
Ok, then I was like for somereason like I was, just like you
know what, whatever it's,whatever I'm like next time.
Speaker 1 (26:42):
You gave him another chance after that.
Okay, so he was really hot.
What is wrong with us?
Speaker 2 (26:48):
And then he.
So he dropped off at my houseand that was it.
I didn't let him come upstairsor anything.
Speaker 1 (26:56):
Thank goodness yeah.
Speaker 2 (26:57):
He wanted to hang out again, so we did make another
date.
But he's like this time I'mtaking care of you, blah, blah,
blah blah.
I was excited.
So I was like, coming back fromwork, like, like, so I already
picked out my outfit, like I wasready, and he sends me this
voice note and it was like ohhey, hey, babe, like I'm so I've
been sick, I'm so sick, likeI'm not gonna make it tonight.
Speaker 1 (27:16):
I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I was like you know what,
not the car I didn't even like,I was okay, whatever like it
happened.
Speaker 2 (27:22):
So I was like, hey, like listen, I'm so sorry, I
feel better, like if you needanything, I can make a great
soup, whatever.
If not, just let me know We'llreschedule.
My friends were in town.
I'm like, hey, I'm free now,let's go get some drinks at Soho
House.
It's like so no, who I had adate with, who was so sick that
(27:47):
he couldn't go on the date.
He's literally sitting thereand he looks at me and I could
tell he was like and I justwinked at him go and I was with
my gay friend who's verystraight, presenting and I was
like, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me,and so we love the gaze.
So he's like don't make me dothat again.
And then that was it.
And then, yeah, I was like butthat is so dating in LA, I feel
(28:09):
like.
So I'm terrified to get backout there and deal with, like
these doorknobs, and the word ofGordon Ramsay like that.
Speaker 1 (28:17):
Oh, that is horrific.
Speaker 2 (28:20):
Like one of the odds that if all the places in LA
decided to go party, you wentback to the scene of the crime A
where we had our first dateRight, not even thinking that
maybe I would be there, sinceyou can't set our date.
Speaker 1 (28:31):
Wait, but can I ask you what was the timeline?
Like you guys went on a dateand then when were you guys
supposed to go on this date?
It was like within a week.
Speaker 2 (28:38):
That's crazy.
And like he started DMing me alot like feel like, liked all my
stuff and like I'll never.
He even said, like I'll neverdisrespect you again.
I'd never do that to you again.
Speaker 1 (28:49):
I was like OK, you're like, yeah, you're never going
to do it to me again.
You never seen me again.
What's the saying?
Speaker 2 (28:53):
Like when someone shows you who they are.
Believe them, bro.
I believe you.
Speaker 1 (28:56):
I see you and he.
Speaker 2 (29:09):
Okay, that's a big red flag.
Okay, that's a huge red flag.
That's the top of the red flag.
But what is like a green flagfor you on a date?
I mean, I think, someone whoasks questions and doesn't just
talk about themselves the wholetime, I think that's actually a
big one, because it is hard tofind people out here who don't
just sit there and talk aboutthemselves the whole time.
Speaker 1 (29:22):
Yes, and when they ask about you and you're talking
, they're just like not reallylistening to you.
They're just kind of likewaiting for you to stop talk so
that they can stop talking.
You guys.
I need a speech therapist.
It's like TikTok.
But it's called TikTok, yes,and that is like so obnoxious
because you can always tell intheir eyes that they're just,
(29:44):
they're waiting for you tofinish so they can like say
something again, probably aboutthemselves.
Yes, um, you know what's funnya green flag for me is when I my
boyfriend, does this now, soit's like he's still a huge
green flag that I love.
But like going on, like pastdates or whatever, if I go to
the restaurant and they orderfor us, like the table, like
(30:08):
just that's a really sexy move,I love that.
And until this day, like withme and my boyfriend, most of the
time, I'm like do you just wantto order like some stuff, you
know?
And he's like yeah, and then Ijust close the menu and I push
it aside and I say I'll have anespresso martini with Casamigos
Repo please.
Actually, we don't really docasamigos anywhere, don julio
(30:31):
such a green flag.
Speaker 2 (30:32):
I do love that because I think you probably
were like this too at some pointwhere, like you're, you were
always used to one.
It's kind of having to like belike the one in control, or like
you know, or like makingdecisions, making decisions, and
it's so nice to like, as adecision maker, to not have to
anymore, unless he's like she'llhave a salad and then I'll have
, like I mean that's neverhappened to me before.
Speaker 1 (30:51):
Yeah, I was going to be like, I'd be like no, no, no,
you're having the salad.
You're having the salad.
Speaker 2 (30:59):
I'll have the ribeye and super sexy green flag.
Speaker 1 (31:02):
Right, I love that.
Take control baby Guys takenotes.
Speaker 2 (31:04):
There's probably going to get a better chance.
You're going to get lucky atthe end of the night, yes for
sure.
Also, never let a woman pay onthe first date or even the like.
I mean, listen, I'm all aboutequal opportunity here and I
think at some point in arelationship it's cool to go
Dutch or like.
Maybe the girl picks up the tabwhen you're like in a
relationship but like in adating phase, maybe it's old
school or whatever, but I thinkthe man you need to pick up that
(31:26):
damn check At least the firsttime, I mean especially the
first time.
I'd say, like until until likethe I think the third or fourth
date, maybe after sex, happens.
Speaker 1 (31:36):
Yeah, yeah.
So something needs to happen.
I feel like before, likesplitting the check, I mean you
went we're the prize over here,not you.
Speaker 2 (31:44):
Okay, you're the one who's gonna have to go home and
use your hand and go to sleep.
Speaker 1 (31:48):
Or you can maybe have a pretty girl in your bed.
Speaker 2 (31:50):
I don't know, but you're paying for this and
you're choosing.
Speaker 1 (31:54):
You choose when, when , when that bill comes, you're
making the choice for yourself.
You're making it for yourself.
Speaker 2 (31:59):
It sounds a little like prostitution, but it's not
what I'm saying here, Justsaying your shot goes up.
Oh my gosh, that's so funny.
Okay, so yeah.
So ics, you wanted to talkabout ics.
I get, it is a real.
It is a real thing.
The ic is so icky.
Speaker 1 (32:16):
And you can't.
Speaker 2 (32:17):
once you get the ic, you can't get rid of the ic and
I try hard to not be so like icjudgmental or like aggressive.
Like yeah, but judgmental.
Or like aggressive, like yeahbut yeah, but it's hard not to
yeah like I can't any sorry, menposting sexy photos in the
mirror.
Speaker 1 (32:35):
You can't do it, that's done ick, that is, that's
a, yeah, that's an.
It's very icky.
Um, I think this is the exampleI'm gonna give, because give,
because this is what happened tome.
But slurping in any meal, likethe example I'm going to give,
is cereal and it was like, andholding the spoon like this,
(33:00):
like a caveman.
And it was like and I'm likewhat, yeah, what, yeah, no, I
didn't even touch my food.
I was like, so grossed out, I'mjust ew, I still think about it
.
It makes my stomach sick likeit's gross, but just slurping
your food or smacking yeah,can't.
Speaker 2 (33:23):
My ex was a smacker when we first started dating and
gets it from his family.
They're all like that, no, andI was like I can't finish my
meal here and like I amdefinitely not going to have sex
with you because I cannot.
I mean he quickly stopped doingit, but like I could not stand
it.
Speaker 1 (33:36):
Thank goodness, at least he stopped doing it.
He stopped doing it.
Maybe he wasn wasn't aware.
Speaker 2 (33:41):
I grew up with a family whose table manners was
everything Like there was nosmacking, no slurping.
We had to eat pizza with aknife and a fork kind of family
Like it was like etiquette waseverything Yep so.
Speaker 1 (33:52):
I think.
Okay, one more X.
I just you made me think aboutit.
Wearing flip-flops doesn't haveto be investary flip-flops, but
it usually happens withflip-flops and people dragging
their feet on the floor whenthey walk in their flip-flops or
their sneakers.
I don't know if I've noticedthis one, just like just
(34:12):
dragging, no, no, it's like,instead of picking it all the
way up, they kind of like Like,kind of shuffle, they kind of
pick it up and then the heeldrags on the floor, drags on the
floor drags on and you're justlike oh my God, pick up your
feet.
Speaker 2 (34:24):
Like literally pick up your feet Like it's so, oh
God, now I'm nervous for aflip-flop around you.
Okay, I'll be more mindful ofthis now.
No, I've never heard you dothat, and don't get me wrong.
Speaker 1 (34:31):
If you're tired or like your slippers are in the
house, you want to just kind of,like you know, slide your feet
or whatever.
That's one thing, but not noamusement parks, Like when I go
with my sister, or likeDisneyland or whatever, and you
just see so many differentpeople around and I hear it and
that people are just like I'm,like you are ruining the bottom
of your shoes.
Speaker 2 (34:51):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (34:52):
Yeah, it's.
That's such an ick for me.
It's like nails on a chalkboardI'm like.
Speaker 2 (34:57):
Well, at least we know that your boyfriend now
doesn't slurp and he doesn'tdrag his feet so no, good job he
picks up them feet.
Um, what's a dating mistake thatwe wouldn't use again?
Make again a dating mistake,like for me?
I think I've learned my lessonwith my last two serious
(35:18):
boyfriends.
If they say they want, if beinga father and being a husband is
number one on their list, Iprobably shouldn't date them,
because I don't know if I havethose same things.
So I feel, instead of getting ayear and a half plus in with
somebody and then realizing itand then the pain is so much
harder and then you wastepeople's time.
So we're getting older.
Speaker 1 (35:42):
So people's timelines are.
I think that's a mistake.
I'm not going to make it again.
I think a mistake for meprobably that I would never do,
is not to allow someone to notlet me make my own choices.
And a lot of times I didn'trealize it was happening because
they're so good at likemanipulation.
So then I would turn into thisperson where I didn't really
(36:05):
have a mind, I didn't reallyhave a choice, I didn't really
have a brain, almost with thembecause whatever they said was
right, yeah, whatever they saidgoes, because if I didn't agree
with that it would be a hugefight, mostly just like our
arguments.
But like I have been in physicallike altercations over the
(36:25):
dumbest things before too, whereyou're like, wait what?
I allowed somebody to do thatto me, like I allowed you to
literally grab me by myshoulders and throw me on a
floor, like that's crazy, that'scrazy.
And I stayed.
I was still with this personprobably a year after, because
in my mind I always want to seethe good in people and I love
(36:46):
that about me.
It's.
But it's a blessing and a cursebecause I do give people a lot
of chances and I think as I getolder it is something I'm not
giving.
I'm not giving too many chancesanymore.
Like you said, you show yourtrue colors and like it's our
job to believe it, and if youdon't want to believe it, then
that's fine, but like you knowit, you feel it.
In here, we all feel what we'reactually feeling you know, so
(37:09):
yeah, oh, that's interesting.
I've never I haven't likethought about that, yeah the
other thing yeah yeah, just yeah.
Speaker 2 (37:18):
Relationships are so tricky they are and I feel like
I'm so relationship like dumbbecause, again, I just haven't
done them like at 34.
This is as far as seriousrelationships go.
This is probably my second one.
I'm not counting high school.
There was the guy I got engagedto 10 years ago and then, and
then this guy and I was likethere's a guy between those two,
(37:38):
but we were never like likesuper serious.
So, yeah, I just don't know.
I'm learning.
It's like I'm like I'm like aninfant, like learning how to
date again, yeah, and you will.
Speaker 1 (37:46):
Though, like, when you find somebody that takes
your anxiety down rather than,like, is always bringing it back
up, then you'll be able to knowthat, okay, I want to, yeah,
see what this is about you itback up.
Then you'll be able to knowthat, okay, I want to see what
this is about.
You know, you'll feel it.
You'll know Now, now you'vebeen into serious relationships
where you've been able to haveexamples of what you don't want.
(38:10):
And look, when we are older,the best thing about getting
older is that we just know, likeyou're just gonna know in the
next one.
I mean, I hope that myboyfriend and I are like, he is
my person.
Like, again, you never know.
Right, life can throwcurveballs, but I do feel like I
(38:30):
found somebody that's like mytruly my best friend.
We laugh so hard together, we.
He lets me cry, he lets me be abrat sometimes and just like
lets me be and doesn't like tryand start a fight about it.
You know, and it's like I feelvery comfortable in my own skin
and who I am- he just lets yoube you.
And he loves that about you.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (38:48):
He doesn't like.
Even I brought up Ozzy Osbourne, I think in the last episode,
because I've just been goingdown this rabbit hole with him
because he just had a farewellconcert, but with him, with
Sharon Osbourne, and I don'tfeel there's nothing.
I feel Ozzy Osbourne had to bethe hardest person to stay with
yes and um, but like I mean withall the drugs and alcohol, and
he tried to kill her once andlike he literally was cheating
(39:08):
on her like non-stop and like nomatter.
She's always stayed by his sideand I'm like she's always
allowed Ozzy to be Ozzy.
Speaker 1 (39:14):
Yeah, speaking of Ozzy speakingzy Speaking of Ozzy
Hi Ozzy, I always allowed himto be himself.
Speaker 2 (39:18):
I'm like that is like , that is, that is a, that's the
kind of love.
Speaker 1 (39:22):
Like.
Speaker 2 (39:22):
I know I'm not easy to love, I know I have a lot of
flaws and like I'm verybullheaded and I you know I
don't want to change anythingabout myself and although there
are probably some things Ishould grow with, but like and
you'll know, you'll figure thatout.
Speaker 1 (39:34):
When you're in a relationship that feels aligned
to you, you will say okay,because let's figure this out
together.
You know, instead of you haveto mold only one way you know
like you're supposed to bemolding together, like there's
there's things that both myboyfriend and I don't we're not
the same in at all, you know.
(39:55):
It's like, I mean like my timemanagement we've talked about
this is, you know, like he getsready in 10 minutes and I'm like
, no, no, no, I need like twohours, and not that I do crazy
things with my makeup and myhair, but it's like I'm a girl
and I just take your time.
Yeah, I need to take my timeMeanwhile, he's ready.
You know, at one one 55, he'slike kind of pacing.
(40:16):
We were making a joke Like hekind of like just like walks
around the house.
Speaker 2 (40:19):
He's like ready.
Speaker 1 (40:20):
I'm like can you just go sit on the couch, I'll be
ready.
Speaker 2 (40:23):
I swear Causing panic over here.
Speaker 1 (40:25):
I swear, but yeah, you'll know, and you'll know,
and you'll want to make those.
What's the word I'm looking for?
Compromise, yes, we're allsupposed to be compromising, but
as long as you're notcompromising who you truly are.
Other than that, there are somany things that we we even
compromise as a friendship, youknow, like there's so many
things that we're learning abouteach other every time we hang
(40:45):
out, and that's the same samegoes for a relationship with,
like a, a romantic partner youknow well.
Speaker 2 (40:53):
Anyway, thanks everyone for listening to me
talk about my shit, but that'senough feelings for today.
Oh wait, no, it's not, becausenow you have this quote you want
to talk about.
Yes, yes, I'll let you takethis.
Speaker 1 (41:06):
Yeah, let's talk about this quote.
I use Insight Timer, which isan app, and I use that for my
meditations.
I sometimes sleep and you dosleep meditations as well, not
just like rain, but actual likesleep meditations, which is
really cool.
I mean, you never make it pastfive minutes of the meditation,
(41:27):
but it's on when you're asleepstill.
But this was the quote thatcame today during my meditation
and it says think big thoughts,but relish small pleasures.
So let's break that down.
Okay, what is a small pleasure?
You underestimated untilrecently.
Speaker 2 (41:53):
Just alone, being alone, alone time.
I guess I never underestimatedit, but I feel like I just
haven't had a lot of it.
And so, as much as I've beenmourning this breakup and been
really sad and really miss him,miss the dog, I also have really
just enjoyed just like beingalone, mm-hmm.
Speaker 1 (42:10):
I love that.
I love being alone.
It's so crazy.
Speaker 2 (42:14):
I wonder if it's a Gemini thing.
Speaker 1 (42:15):
But no, I think a lot of people love their alone time
.
I think I have underestimatedlike sleep.
You know, I've never been likea napper, but I nap a lot more
these days.
And I realized I mean I knowhow important it is, but I
(42:36):
realized for me, wow, those naps, even if it's like in the
middle of the day, or even likebrunch nap or whatever power nap
, like 20 minute nap even, I'mlike, oh wow, that makes a whole
difference you know, I think,sleep I love, sleep I love sleep
it's like I literally like I'mlike sitting in my living room,
just like watching this the sunto set, set, set.
Speaker 2 (42:56):
I love sleep.
It's like I literally like I'mlike sitting in my living room,
just like watching this the sunto set set, set set.
Speaker 1 (42:59):
Bedtime eight o'clock .
We are in bed.
Don't text Kayla at 8.01because her phone is on, do not
disturb.
And I'm pushing the button likesend anyway, send anyway, send
anyway.
Speaker 2 (43:11):
Meanwhile, I'm like texting her at 5.45 am.
Like, what do you think aboutthis for today's post?
So we're on completelydifferent schedules.
No, I'm not going to hear fromher for five hours, but that's
okay.
Speaker 1 (43:22):
No, yeah, but there's yeah.
The best sleep is like when youcome back from being out of the
country and then you giveyourself that day and you're
just dead the whole day and Ican sleep like there's been days
where I've slept like 18 hoursReally and I shock myself, but I
feel so much better.
So I'm like whatever, it's sonice, it's fine.
Speaker 2 (43:41):
You know, it's fine.
I could never be a vampire.
Yeah, because I don't sleep.
I mean, I'd be a vampire.
Vampires, if you're out there,come bite me.
Speaker 1 (43:50):
Yeah, I was going to say I think we both could be
vampires Like the.
Speaker 2 (43:52):
Cullen kind or like the true blood kind.
Speaker 1 (43:54):
Yes, like the really sexy vampires.
Speaker 2 (43:55):
Yes, like the cool kind.
The cool kind Not the ones thatare like.
Speaker 1 (43:58):
I am legend.
Speaker 2 (43:59):
It's like the cool goth like vampire yeah, you're
very strong and super rich andhave a rocking body.
That's a tangent.
We'll talk about vampires inanother episode.
All right, how do you balanceambition with contentment?
What I've been dealing withlately because I think I was
talking about this the other dayabout how my identity is so
wrapped up into my career andwhat I do, and I've already.
(44:21):
I've done a lot so far, but Ifeel like it's still never
enough.
I'm never content and I'm likeeven thinking about, like now,
this transition.
Should I start doing morecontent like, or more like work
behind the camera, or like asmaller scale, or it's just like
.
It's hard to find that like,like when will I be content?
Or will I like climb the ranksand end up on, and end up on a
(44:41):
giant show on television andthen still not be content?
Right, so it's it's hard tokind of figure that one out yeah
it's.
Speaker 1 (44:47):
It's sort of that feeling of being grateful every
day, even though you may nothave all the things you want,
but there are things that we canbe grateful for every fricking
day you know, that we have.
Like we've said before, we havetwo legs.
We can get out of bed withoutany problem.
(45:08):
Um, you know, we have beautifulroofs over our heads, both of
us, which is so hard in thiscity.
I mean anywhere in the US, butlike here specifically.
But yeah, it's funny that yousay that, because whenever
someone asks me a question, I doalways, even if it's how are
(45:29):
you doing?
I'm like, oh yeah, it's likewell, work is.
You know?
I always use work first insteadof.
You've even caught me sometimeswhere you ask me a question, I
talk about work and you say,yeah, but take work out.
Would 13-year-old Vanessa wantto hang out with you without
this?
And I'm like, yeah, she would.
Like I am really cool, I reallydo love the person that I'm
(45:52):
becoming, and you're training meto not always put work is work.
Vanessa equals what she doesfor a living.
Speaker 2 (46:02):
I'm the same way, though it's so hard, because
that's something that we'vefought for for so long.
Speaker 1 (46:05):
It is our identity, and it's because we love it so
much.
You know, it's like my, I feellike my job.
Speaker 2 (46:10):
what we do, like you said, is our identity, Because
it's different than like someoneworking at the office crunching
numbers or they're not going tobe like oh yeah, like, how are
you?
Well, today I balanced threeyou know budgets when I I had
booked a Buick commercial thatwas national.
Speaker 1 (46:41):
It ran for three years.
It changed my life.
It was so much fun.
Um, there was four versions ofme in one car.
It was such a great commercialto, to, to do, Um.
But obviously you know it wasplaying all over, all over.
So my niece always saw it likewhen their commercials would
come on or whatever.
And one time she asked me likeauntie Nessa, when am I gonna
(47:05):
see you on tv again?
And it just, why did that hurtme so much, even though she's
not doing it maliciously?
the question you ask yourselfprobably every single day.
Speaker 2 (47:14):
She's like, like excited.
Speaker 1 (47:16):
She's like when am I seeing you on TV again?
And I'm like and even this, ourpodcast.
She watches it sometimes tooand knows about it, you know,
and the appropriate things thatshe can listen to, obviously, my
sister.
Uh-oh yeah, my sister andbrother-in-law, you know they'll
let her watch some clips, I'msure.
But even now she's so excitedabout this for us.
(47:39):
She goes to school and herteachers know about milk and
honey, you know.
So it's like it's, and wecarved that path for us, for her
.
You know what I mean.
It's very strange.
But yeah, I remember her askingme that and I kind of got sad
about it.
Yeah, I remember her asking methat and I kind of got sad about
(47:59):
it.
I remember bringing it up to mymom and I said dang, how did a
nine-year-old just make me feelthat?
right now you know, and I knowshe wasn't doing it- she wasn't
doing it out of spite, or meanat all, but yeah, so it's
realizing that there's so manymore beautiful things in the
world than just your career.
Yes, you know, and also it'slike you know, we have big
thoughts, we have big vision,big energy, all these things.
(48:21):
But those little pieces are theones like for you in this
breakup.
Those little pieces ofgratitude are going to help
reform and reshape that mold foryou.
That's just going to make you abetter version of yourself.
One can hope she's alwayspessimistic.
Do you see what I have to deal?
Speaker 2 (48:40):
with.
Alright, I think before we go,we do bring back.
We introduced it last week.
I think we do a honey jar.
Speaker 1 (48:48):
Do you want to go first?
Did you like that Honey jar?
No, no, it didn't happen thatpart.
I think that's going to be.
I think I'm going to bring backmy singing career.
She should, she can singeverybody.
No, she can she can sing.
Speaker 2 (49:01):
All right, this is our honey jar.
There's not actually honey init?
Speaker 1 (49:05):
Well, that would be messy.
Speaker 2 (49:06):
Could you imagine just like all right, this one.
I think this is a repeat one.
Yeah, oh, is it Okay?
Speaker 1 (49:18):
I think I forgot to take them out.
We have to remember to takethem out here.
You want to go first?
Sure, I get so nervous.
Speaker 2 (49:20):
I don't know what to say.
I don't know these questions.
Speaker 1 (49:22):
you know, oh, you're given $10,000 but have to blow
it stupidly in 24 hours.
What do you do?
God, that's easy.
Speaker 2 (49:32):
Oh my God, I probably would rent the biggest yacht
that we could and, Marina DelRey, get all of my friends stock
it with, like a food booze, aDJ I think that's 10 grand right
there.
Speaker 1 (49:47):
That's 10 grand, and I agree with her.
I agree with her, and thenafterwards we would still have a
little bit left over for somereason, and we would just do a
twirl and we ho, because that'swhat we do Exactly.
Speaker 2 (49:53):
Well, we get.
We get the table and bottleservice.
We would like do the upper.
Speaker 1 (49:57):
Yeah, that was an easy one.
Speaker 2 (49:59):
That was fun, that was too easy.
Speaker 1 (50:01):
Also like Universe.
Did you hear that?
Yeah?
Because, this is what we want,okay.
Speaker 2 (50:06):
If there happens to be a random sack sitting outside
as we walk to our car full ofmoney, we would appreciate it.
Speaker 1 (50:11):
We'll take it.
We'll take it.
We will take it.
We'll look and see if itbelongs anywhere.
First because we're respectful,but I'm taking that no Finders
keepers.
Speaker 2 (50:21):
We've known that since we were kids Losers
weepers Okay.
Who's the last person you mutedand why I will say here's
something I did do.
Speaker 1 (50:32):
I'm going to sit for that one.
Speaker 2 (50:34):
So when I left my job because I muted everybody, like
most people I worked with,because it was hard for me to
like see it, like a lot of themprobably think I'm like mad at
them because I don't ever likeor interact with their stories.
But like it's too hard for meto see like the person who's now
doing my job.
Speaker 1 (50:50):
Although I love her.
Speaker 2 (50:51):
But like that's probably like the last people
I've actually muted, yeah, thatI that I will say on camera
there's been some I'll.
Speaker 1 (51:06):
I'll always like mute somebody If, if I feel like
their stories are like draining,yeah, I'll always mute.
Yeah, cause I don't want to seethat like I like when people
put like you know, um, I lovewhen people put like quotes and
all the things like, but notwhen they're like, but when it's
when it's a little intense.
(51:28):
I just it makes me like feelsad for them too, because, like
I, I'm just like damn why.
Speaker 2 (51:36):
You know, if you, you have a social media to post how
you're feeling in a negativeway.
I feel like that's just not theplace for it.
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (51:43):
But I mean, anyone can post whatever they want.
I'm just saying it's just yeah,I guess like that.
Speaker 2 (51:48):
Sometimes I'm like, oh yeah, yeah, someone's seeing
it and like you're having a goodday and then you come across
their post and it's like, ohwell, that just ruined my mood,
yeah.
Speaker 1 (51:56):
No need for that.
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (51:58):
Yeah, all right.
Well, there you go.
It's not another episode ofmilk and honey.
This one was fun and it let meget a little vulnerable and I
did a couple of breaths earlier.
Speaker 1 (52:07):
So I appreciate you sharing that.
Of course, we know that that'shard and um, I hope that you can
like feel everyone I'm surewill be giving you lots of
positive energy towards, thankyou, this new chapter that you
get to start and, uh, you guys,you know, you already know what
I'm gonna say I just feel herstaring at me.
Speaker 2 (52:28):
I can't wait.
I'm gonna do a compilationvideo after like a few more
episodes.
Put all these together.
Speaker 1 (52:33):
let me see what can I .
How can I end it like a littledifferently?
Okay, don't forget, if you everneed a good cup of tea, you got
the right ingredients righthere.
Oh, I like that one that was sosmooth.
Speaker 2 (52:49):
That was smooth.
Oh my God, I don't know.
Speaker 1 (52:51):
I don't know.
Oh my God, she's gettingcomfortable behind the mic,
careful.
Speaker 2 (52:57):
Thanks all of you for watching, as always.
Speaker 1 (53:00):
See you next time.
Yes, bye, bye.
Universe.
Did you hear that?
Speaker 2 (00:02):
Because this is what we want.
Okay, If there happens to be arandom sack sitting outside as
we walk to our car full of money, we would appreciate it We'll
take it All right.
Welcome back everyone to Milkand Honeys.
This episode is going to be alittle bit different than the
(00:23):
others and I thought maybe whichI've never suggested this
before and I think you might getemotional with what I'm about
to ask, but maybe, before we getinto it, we start with um three
cleansing breaths.
Say it louder.
Say it louder.
Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1 (00:41):
We're going to do three cleansing breaths.
Please join us.
We're going to be talking aboutsome real raw things.
I'm Vanessa by the way You'reone of your hosts, and obviously
you guys know the beautifulKayla Becker.
All right, so everyone with us,close your eyes, let all the
air out.
(01:01):
Take a deep breath in.
Let it go.
(01:23):
Another breath in, let it goOne more, the biggest one.
Take a deep breath in Takingeven more air.
Hold it, let it go.
By my calculations that wasfour.
No, you're just sipping in moreair.
You know we she almost got itthe first time we did this.
She made it through likehalfway of the second breath,
and I could just tell she wasstaring at me, because I closed
my eyes too, except I waspeeking at you a little bit to
(01:43):
see if you were actually Justnow.
Speaker 2 (01:44):
Yeah, I did it, you did it, I did it.
Speaker 1 (01:46):
You did it, she just.
You know it's fine Well we'regetting there.
We're getting there.
Well, we needed that.
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (01:51):
Oh my God, I'm so, I'm just like so proud Growth.
So maybe you guys are growingwith us.
Speaker 1 (02:01):
Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (02:02):
By the way, before we get going, I can't help but
look at your top.
It's very, very cute.
Oh, thank you.
She's our fashion queen, MissModel.
Speaker 1 (02:08):
Thank you.
This is actually my friend'scompany called Doves of Dawn.
Shout out to Dora Owosu.
She is the owner of the company.
She is also a beautiful modelactress as well entrepreneur,
and yeah, we just gotta.
You know, jerky, I love a goodscarf moment head.
(02:29):
She has so many, uh differentdesigns to wear.
I'll definitely wear more andall.
Every time I wear I'll be like,hey, this is doves of dawn,
it's gonna be a totallydifferent thing, so yeah, at
doves of dawn, go check it out.
Speaker 2 (02:37):
So many cute ways to wear her scarves all right,
he'll uh scarves, but we'retalking about scars, the ones of
the heart, um.
So you know, if I figured thisis, this is a safe space.
You know, we're we're allfriends now and I feel like at
this point of the show, you guyshave gotten to know us, we let
you guys get to know us.
(02:58):
So I thought it was also maybea place where I can talk about
something that I've been goingthrough, that I haven't yet
talked about publicly, buteveryone knows the feeling of
this.
I am going through a breakup.
I've been dating someone forthe last year and a half.
I don't really publicly postabout it, so you may not even
(03:19):
know I've been in a relationship.
I kind of keep that under wraps.
I try to protect that part of mylife, but unfortunately we have
decided to no longer betogether.
So, yeah, that's kind of been,you know, consuming a lot of my
mental space over the lastcouple of weeks.
It's a lot of energy.
It is it is a lot of energy,but I think it's, I mean, it's
(03:42):
been very sad.
It's one of those I haven'treally been one to do a lot of
energy, but I think it's, I mean, it's been very sad.
It's one of those I haven'treally been one to do a lot of
relationships, Like.
I feel like I've been veryselective over the years because
I typically don't like being inrelationships.
I very much like being alone.
I value my independence morethan anything.
But I met this guy and I wasn'treally looking.
I thought I was just going outto get like some free food.
Like he had asked me out likemany times before and I turned
(04:03):
him down every time and I waslike well, damn it.
Fine, like let's go get somefree food.
Money's tight so uh enjoy theconversation way more than I
thought I would.
He was super cute and like it'shard to find people who can,
like, carry on an intelligentconversation these days.
So it was very pleasantlysurprised of his like
intelligence and the way he canarticulate, the way he felt.
And then from then on we werejust kind of inseparable and we
(04:23):
had been living together for thelast probably like six months
and so, yeah, it's been, it'sit's been a tough, been a tough,
tough road.
It wasn't because, like he wasa bad guy or like I just think,
you know, we realized how justinnately different we are as
people and it was no longergoing to work, which sometimes
works right.
Speaker 1 (04:42):
Sometimes being very, very different does work, but
sometimes, if it's too different, you kind of fall out of like
that alignment with each otherand you're just kind of going in
two different directions.
Yeah, and it's not a bad thing.
No, it's a sad thing.
It's like a death.
We've talked about that.
You know it's like you're goingthrough a death.
Basically it's like a death ofa friendship, a death of a
(05:04):
partnership.
Speaker 2 (05:05):
And it's.
It's like you're going througha death.
Basically, it's like a death ofa friendship, a death of a
partnership.
It's so weird grieving someonethat's still alive, who you
could contact if you wanted to,but who don't.
It's such a weird feeling.
Speaker 1 (05:12):
Yeah, what made you realize that it wasn't going to
work?
Speaker 2 (05:20):
Well, I'm not going to lie.
I am a professionalself-sabotager.
Speaker 1 (05:24):
I'm just going to stay with that, aren't we all?
Speaker 2 (05:27):
Whether it's love, life, work, whatever, just this
thing I can't help about myself.
And also I've learned about myattachment styles, which I've
been reading about and talkingabout in therapy, and I think I
am a I don't know if I'm afearful or a what's the other
one?
Avoidant I think I'm a fearfulavoidant.
Fearful avoidant, whichbasically means that when
(05:49):
someone gets too close to me, Irun the other way.
Um, so I think that's a lot ofthat has to do with, like early
childhood and, I think, just thetrauma that comes from like
being uprooted every like yearto go to different schools and
being taken away from my mom,going to foster care and, like
you know, even with what?
even with my jobs and stuff, Ijust feel like I, I just it's my
(06:10):
, my fight or flight response isjust to leave and then, as soon
as someone sees too much of me,I'm like no, you can't see any
more of me right, um, and thenalso, if anyone tells me that
they don't like something thatI'm doing or a characteristic
that I had not physical, butjust a characteristic of my
personality I immediately shutdown and I'm like, well then,
(06:31):
this is your problem, I'm notchanging that, this is who I am.
So bye-bye.
So that's essentially.
I feel like there's a lot morethat's happened, but I think I
realized we started havingissues, probably like back in
December, and I think it wasjust very clear at that time
that some very important factorsand parts of our lives were
just so drastically differentRight that neither one of us
(06:52):
wanted to compromise on which isokay, it is, but I think, yeah,
that's an okay thing it is, butI think it's like almost like
lying to yourself that, oh, wecan still figure things out even
though we're not going to budgeon these things, and we just
like delayed the inevitable.
And then obviously it just hurtsmore because you're, you know,
stay together longer than youshould.
And then it gets to a pointwhere I feel like you start
(07:14):
resenting each other and yep,it's a, it's a, it's a very
quickly a very quick crumbleonce that first piece starts to
crack, you know.
Speaker 1 (07:26):
Um, was there?
Was there a moment that yourealized that you were
emotionally checked out?
Cause, like I feel like whenI'm checked out, you know I've
I've been in two five yearrelationships before the one
that I'm in now, and um myentire twenties I was in two
different relationships andalthough it took too long to
(07:48):
figure it out I'm a slow learner, so slow burner over here but
once I do figure it out, Ifigure it out, you know.
And yeah, when I'm checked out,they knew I was checked out.
Yeah, my whole energy justchanges.
I am checked out.
Yeah, I, my whole energy justchanges.
I am talking different.
And also I think, like in oneof my past relationships, I was
(08:11):
trying to give that person aninkling that this was going to
happen.
Yeah, you know, I was trying tobe short.
I wasn't saying I love youanymore.
I wasn't you know I wasn't beingall lovey-dovey, I was really
trying to do that.
But, like for you, since yoursis so fresh, you know, was there
a moment where you were likeI'm this, I'm checked out, Like
this is.
Speaker 2 (08:32):
I think it came in like a way of like like I still
love the guy for sure, but Ithink I think the moments I was
more intense with like oh, Idon't want to lose you, is when
we were cause we've gone throughthis kind of breakup thing a
few times and then like thepanic came in of like oh my God,
I can't lose you, don't leave,like um, because it's just that
like drastic change of havingsomeone there all the time that
you depend on to them not beingthere.
(08:52):
But I think I even noticed withlike intimacy and I I brought
up on like being a fearfulavoidant.
You also like have issues withbeing intimate, giving this part
of yourself that you don'tfully want to, right, and so
even he would notice it, like Iwouldn't, like you know, I would
never really initiate kisses orlike you know more intimate
things, and like the cuddlingkind of stopped and I felt so
bad because I know how much itwas hurting him because he still
(09:14):
wanted all of those things.
He's a very like he's moreanxious attachment and also he's
a very touchy person and I'mjust not and he had been dealing
.
He, you know, dealt with mynon-touchiness even during the
best parts of our relationship.
So now that we were like on theshambles, it was even more
noticeable, right?
Speaker 1 (09:30):
So I don't know, I feel like, yeah, I feel like I
probably Were you, did you findyourself letting go of that,
like not wanting to be touchedwhen you guys were in a good
place, more so, but I mean youguys were in a good place, more
so.
Speaker 2 (09:43):
But I mean, I've always been like I'm like a cat,
like yeah, come to me, I'llcome to you yeah, and then I'll
be all over you, but I don'tlive with, like, the other
person initiating it, and I'vebeen like that in all my
relationships for the most partI struggle with that sometimes
because I'm a very touchy, feely.
Speaker 1 (09:57):
I love to feel like the love and I've loved kisses
and like all the things.
But you know it, it is one ofthose funny things because my
boyfriend now not that he loveslike hugging and we cuddle all
the time, but like I'm way he'sprobably like a normal person,
cuddle and like, gives kisses,and I am the person that's like
no, no, no, I want to crawlinside your skin.
I remember when we first starteddating, he went to go to the
(10:21):
gym or something, and he told melike maybe like 40 minutes
before that, like I'm going togo to the gym at like two, 30 or
whatever.
But I happened to be sitting onthe couch and I told him I
wasn't going to go at that timeand then all of a sudden, I just
heard the door close and I waslike wait, did you just leave
without saying goodbye andgiving me a kiss?
And when he came back up I wasa little upset and so we had to
(10:42):
have a conversation about it,because he was like well, I was
just going to the gym, I wasgoing to be right back.
I'm like yeah, but like whathappens if, like, something
happens in the elevator?
and, like you, never come backand then the last thing I saw of
you was you walking out thedoor and just like not saying a
word to me.
So now, every time it's kind oflike a joke almost, but like he
does do it because we had aconversation about it.
(11:04):
That's funny, you know.
I think in relationships you,you want to do the best that you
can to provide for what yourpartner needs yeah always you
know no for sure, um, but yeah,so anyway, that's that's the
gist of that situation.
Speaker 2 (11:18):
Um, not gonna go too too deep in it, but I think it
will.
It is we kind of want to openup this conversation about, like
, what people do after breakupsor what the expectation is after
breakups.
And um, I know, for me as arecording mess it's only been
like a week so I've been, I'vehad like that really hot and
cold week for like I'll be fineand then I'll walk out into the
(11:38):
refrigerator and see his icecream in there and then just
break down and then have.
I took, I got a box and tookall of like her photos down and
uh, we also had a dog.
It was his dog and coming intothe relationship but she's been
mine for the last year and ahalf, but I mean I lost her too
and all of her dog toys arestill at my place and the place
still smells like her and it'slike those random moments and I
(12:05):
someone who's not used to crying.
Speaker 1 (12:05):
I feel like I've heard so much out, so for that
it's probably a good thing.
I mean like sobbed crying.
I mean I told you the other dayI said your energy is giving me
, that you're depleted, but I dofeel that your energy is
lighter, like I don't feel youranxiousness as much Like you
were very, very anxious, and Ican only because you know we
(12:27):
haven't known each other thatthat long.
But like when I first met you,when you moved here, you were
single, so I knew that side ofyou, even though, of course,
we're going to change, we'regoing to grow, we get in
relationships.
You know, things change,emotions change, energy changes.
But I do remember telling you Iwas like I want I just like
feel as though this is not youhere.
(12:51):
This is somebody that is beingmolded to be something else that
necessarily you're not.
You're not the one making thatdecision to mold that part of
you.
You know it's like you do.
You feel very, but yeah, I meanbreakups are.
It's like I said, it's a death.
It's basically a death of achapter in your life, but you've
(13:13):
been doing really, really good,I mean she feels crazy.
But you know, I always tell herI'm like girl cry.
If you need to punch yourpillow, like, put your face in
it no-transcript.
Speaker 2 (13:55):
I feel like I've been feeling it and you have to give
yourself time.
I mean, it's only been a week.
Speaker 1 (13:59):
So it's like you know , if we were having this
conversation like two monthslater, I'd be like girl you're
going to get there, but we gotto get there.
Like we got to get there, youknow, like it's time, but I mean
I don't know.
I feel like when I havesomething going on similar to
that, yeah, it takes like amonth, I think, to like really
be at a state of not even.
I don't want to say like great,like a great state, but just a
(14:20):
state of not even.
I don't want to say like great,like a great state, but just a
state of acceptance, of knowingokay this chapter is closed.
Yeah, it's okay, there's no badblood.
And even if there was bad blood, you cut that shit out anyway
and let it go.
You know which?
I think you've done a reallygood job at doing so.
I'm proud of you for that.
Speaker 2 (14:40):
well, luckily there's like we ended on once we got to
the end on good terms, so Idon't want bad blood either, and
I again, he's a wonderful,wonderful man and he deserves
the best.
But another, another thing thatwas just interesting is like so
I know, for me I've I've neverreally like imagined myself
getting married or havingchildren, like I've always kind
of known that I was.
Actually, you know, I wasengaged 10 years ago to a man,
(15:02):
great guy, but like I knew hewanted kids and he was willing
to give that up for me.
And that's something I couldn'tlive with, because I'm like I'm
not going to take that from you.
And it was very similar againwith this guy, Our first date.
This is how we knew we probablyshould have dated Our very
first date.
He said there's nothing in thislife he wants more than being a
husband and a father.
And I said there's nothing inthis life that I don't want more
(15:23):
than those things, Right.
And then we're like, well,let's just date and see what
happens, yeah.
And then here we are, a yearand a half later.
I still feel the same way aboutthose things Right.
Speaker 1 (15:29):
And he was willing to like change those things, and
I'm like I'm not going to be theone to take that from you,
because that's just going toend's like.
That's just going to be a fight.
You're going to be fighting forthe rest of your life.
I know, you know, I know.
And then, yeah, like you said,resentment, that shit creeps up
(15:53):
and builds up real quick.
Speaker 2 (15:55):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (16:01):
Real quick and if I don't want that thing, that
thing.
Speaker 2 (16:03):
That thing.
Speaker 1 (16:07):
Yeah, I feel like bringing a kid into this world
is very intense.
Yeah, it is not something thatyou're just like.
It'll work itself out.
I mean look at the end of theday, hopefully it does work
itself out in that situation, ifyou know, people are going
through it and they still decideto bring a life into this world
(16:27):
.
But it's not something a kid'snot going to like fix all the
problems, no, it's just going tobring like a thousand more into
the picture.
Speaker 2 (16:34):
So, and as someone who's been, you know the foster
care system on the first hand.
Some people like don't need tobe parents.
Speaker 1 (16:42):
Right, because, yeah, they just don't.
What do you think you willbring and do differently in your
next relationship, like if notto say I'm never dating again.
Speaker 2 (16:53):
Yeah, I was going to say not to say that you're
getting in a relationship.
Speaker 1 (16:56):
I'm single forever.
Look at the end of the day.
Being single I think we've saidthis before on the show is so
much easier than being in arelationship.
Speaker 2 (17:03):
It really is.
Speaker 1 (17:04):
You don't have to talk to anybody If you don't
want to talk to anybody?
You don't have to like, worryanything, you know, but um, but
like, like I said, there are menout there that you want to like
.
You know my, my boyfriend, likeI, I love texting him in the
morning or seeing a text fromhim in the morning.
We don't live together, wedon't live together.
So, or just you know.
(17:26):
But even for us it's likesometimes we FaceTime each other
and we're like hey, how's itgoing?
Good, good.
Speaker 2 (17:29):
You good, you good, all right Cool.
Speaker 1 (17:30):
All right, Well, I'll just be here.
He's like OK, I'll be here too.
Speaker 2 (17:33):
I think there's something beautiful about long
distance relationships which youhave.
I think I can been in longdistance relationships before I
feel like they've always donebetter for me, because I am not
the person who needs.
I can see someone every singleday, or like at least and that's
another thing us livingtogether in a small apartment in
(17:59):
LA, both of our careers in thisweird phase so we're like
around, we're watching a movietogether and we do it again.
It's like there was no time forus to just like miss each other
.
And I think for him, like Ithink he's one of those people
who enjoys that kind of lifewith his partner, which is great
I just like I need like maybetwo, at least two days out of
the week where I just do my ownthing.
Speaker 1 (18:20):
Yeah, you know he, he likes that consistency where
it's the same thing, it's likeit's like stuff for me.
Speaker 2 (18:24):
He just likes being together.
He just likes being like withhis partner all the time which
is great.
I think a lot of people are likethat.
I just know that I am not likethat and I just need to like and
it's not even about them notbeing there, like sometimes.
I just want to like, get out ofbed, go to the couch, put on a
sweat pants, turn on my show,eat a big bag of chips and just
be gross.
(18:44):
And he's like, oh, I'll do thatwith you.
I'm like oh, that's great.
That's not my point.
I don't want you there with meon these situations.
I want to just like be bymyself.
Speaker 1 (18:52):
I mean even even being in a long distance
relationship.
Sometimes, when we're together,I'll go into the bedroom and
read my book and he's on thecouch watching, most likely,
espn.
You know what I mean.
So sorry, he's on the couchwatching, most likely, espn you
know what I mean.
So sorry, but yes, espn, we knowit's always on the TV Go sports
, the go sports.
But you know, even us seeingeach other, we see each other,
(19:16):
you know, once a week, onceevery two weeks.
So we're really good atspending time with each other
when we do get to see each other.
But even so, with us beingtogether because we are going
into each other's spaces, likewhen we visit each other, yeah,
sometimes it's like, you know,or if I have like my girlfriends
over, he'll hang out with usfor a little bit and then maybe
(19:36):
go in the bedroom and like justget into bed and watch TV.
Probably ESPN, shout out toESPN.
So, yeah, I totally get it.
Space is important.
Yeah, I want to miss you.
Speaker 2 (19:48):
I want, yeah, I want to be able to miss you, and I
just think it was just, it wasunfortunate.
I think if we lived in a biggerplace or if I was working again
full time and he was workingfull time, it would have been
probably, maybe even a differentoutcome.
I think it was just like theluck of the draw and bad timing
getting into a relationship andI think I wasn't ready to be in
one, but I wanted, you know, Itried to be in one and I think
he was.
You know, he had way moreintention than I did.
Speaker 1 (20:10):
And so anyway, no, no bad blood, a phenomenal man.
Speaker 2 (20:14):
I do miss him dearly.
But yeah, the chapter for nowhas to be closed.
Speaker 1 (20:18):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (20:19):
So now I'm just trying to figure out what this
post-rel is.
Who is single?
Kayla?
She's been gone for a while.
I don't know how am I supposedto act now.
Like no, I'm not gonna beposting any.
Like I'm single now thirsttraps on Instagram.
Speaker 1 (20:30):
That's not really my style.
I mean, I think we should.
Speaker 2 (20:34):
I think we should.
I think we should, I think youshould cut all your hair off.
Speaker 1 (20:37):
Dye it blonde dye it blonde, put yourself in a string
bikini and let's just oh my god, I'm like, so performative,
like I'm on instagram all these.
Speaker 2 (20:48):
I'm doing so great and the camera's off.
Speaker 1 (20:50):
I'm like, oh my god yeah, you know, it's the breakup
culture.
Speaker 2 (20:53):
Everyone does it, everyone does it I the whole,
yeah, the whole like just toannounce that I'm single again.
Yeah, it's not my style.
I mean, obviously I'm tellingyou guys, but I saw I had this
friend who got broken up withand, um, he was very upset by it
, and then he posts on.
He posts like a thirst trap inthe mirror in the bathroom.
That was like back on thestreets or something like that.
(21:15):
I'm like that's so cringy to me,it's like it's like it gets us
to me, just like desperation,which I'm not.
Speaker 1 (21:21):
Yes, that is El Desperado.
What's the weirdest thing thatyou've done?
But you pretend you pretendedthat you were fine after a
breakup.
Speaker 2 (21:37):
Um, I don't know.
Um, I don't feel like I've doneanything.
That was like weird after.
I feel like I just kind ofcruise through my day.
Yeah, I was trying to think.
Maybe like after me and an exbroke up Because, like my ex
before him, we broke up and thenlike stayed friends for a long
time.
It was always hard for mebecause I always still had
(21:58):
feelings for him, but it justwasn't something that was
working out.
So then he would still inviteme to things with his friends.
So then I'd be like hanging outwith all of them, just like as
one of the boys, like hey, likewe're buddies.
But then I'm like dying inside.
But you're still in there withhim.
Yeah, yeah, exactly that isthat's like a way of like I
thought I'd feel better, but itjust made me feel worse, I guess
.
Or letting him tell me aboutthe new girls that he's like
hooking up with.
(22:19):
Go tap that ass.
Yeah, go tap that ass.
I didn't say that Like lettinghim think I was over it and I
wanted to know about his new sexlife with other women.
I'm such a cool girl.
I'm not like those other girls,I'm a cool girl.
(22:41):
I'm a cool girl.
Speaker 1 (22:46):
I'm like what have I done?
I guess like, maybe somethinglike I pretended that like I was
fine is like um, in in my pastrelationships they were really
controlling about you know, likehow much alcohol I drank or
like whatever.
It was just a very weird timein my life and, uh, when I broke
up with my boyfriend at onepoint I went out and like I
(23:06):
swear to you, I partied as if Iwas like 18 years old.
I was like I'm fine, I'm good,I'm better.
I thought I died the next dayand I was like OK, vanessa, you
are not 18 anymore, you can'tjust bounce back like this who
are you thinking and then likethat, like hangover, while
you're actually sad, to likethose emotions that come
hungover and like that likehangover, while you're actually
sad too, like those emotionsthat come hungover oh it's the
worst, are so bad, but you knowthe only thing that can fix that
(23:28):
what?
Mcdonald's.
Speaker 2 (23:30):
Oh, I thought you were going to say run it back,
hair of the dog.
No, let's go.
Speaker 1 (23:34):
McDonald's feel better, Mimosa.
Ibuprofen mimosa and keep itgoing, and keep it going until
you, till you die, that is ourword of advice?
Ooh, I have a good one.
What is a way that you balanceyour grief with online presence?
Because you know, both of us dohave an online presence, and
(23:57):
that is.
I mean you just said you don'treally post your relationship.
I mean I do.
Sorry, I keep hitting the mic.
Speaker 2 (24:04):
If you're listening and not watching, you keep
hearing this noise.
I know.
Speaker 1 (24:06):
I'm sorry.
Speaker 2 (24:06):
It's because Vanessa and I talk with our hands and we
keep hitting the mics andthey're sensitive, we must be
Italian.
Maybe there's somewhere deep,deep, deep in there.
Yes, we must be?
Speaker 1 (24:16):
What was the question I forgot?
Speaker 2 (24:17):
Just how to balance our grief with online persona.
Speaker 1 (24:20):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (24:20):
Because it is funny.
You see, especially celebritycouples, when they split,
they'll do a whole post Likejust wanted to announce that we
were no longer together, which Ithink is just stupid, I don't
know.
But like I do keep my personallife so private, so that way,
like I'm not going to post onInstagram Like I'm single again,
yeah, I had a boyfriend do awhole thing on Facebook.
Speaker 1 (24:41):
This is when, like Facebook was still like really
big and did a whole thing sayinglike please respect our privacy
and I'm like who do you thinkwe are Beyonce and Jay-Z?
I'm like what Please respectour privacy.
Speaker 2 (24:53):
My girlfriends and I were dying To my 30 followers.
Yeah, I was like what is?
Speaker 1 (24:59):
it was literally.
Please respect our privacy.
This is a hard time.
You didn't tell him he wasdoing this.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
After I broke up with him.
Speaker 2 (25:07):
I never spoke to him ever again.
Speaker 1 (25:08):
I still, this day, I've never spoken to him, and I
was just like, honestly like,but it was just so cringe that
it was so funny.
It was one of those momentswhere I was in such a weird
headspace, Um, but that shitjust made me laugh so hard.
I was like this is why I'm nolonger with you.
It probably helped you, likeget over it even more, oh yeah.
(25:29):
Because you're like why would Iwant to be with this person?
Absolutely, that is a majoritch.
Speaker 2 (25:32):
Absolutely, which we'll talk about too in a minute
.
Okay, well, now that I'm backin the streets, I'm back in
these streets, which and like Idon't want to go back to the
same situation where I'm notready for something and then,
but I do know, before I moved to, but no, sorry, before this
relationship, when I was livinghere in LA, I had some of the
worst dating experiences in theworld.
(25:54):
That made me I think it's whythis guy was so appealing to me,
because he was like oh, likebreath of fresh air.
I literally had this guy.
I wasn't.
You know, he's a cool guy.
We, we had gone and like wewent on it.
Well, he had asked me out andwe, but then he canceled the
first two times because of work,and I'm like, okay, and then no
, the first time I wouldn't havegiven a third one the first
(26:14):
time.
Speaker 1 (26:14):
Yeah, I was going to say one is fine, yes, Then we go
to dinner.
Speaker 2 (26:18):
We go to Soho house Like I was a member at he was
not, so I think I was justtrying to flex a little bit and
then we go to the have dinnerand then the bill comes and I'm
like, oh, like I'll pay, or I'llpay or whatever, and he just
let me put my card down.
I paid for the whole like $300dinner.
(26:38):
Ok, then I was like for somereason like I was, just like you
know what, whatever it's,whatever I'm like next time.
Speaker 1 (26:42):
You gave him another chance after that.
Okay, so he was really hot.
What is wrong with us?
Speaker 2 (26:48):
And then he.
So he dropped off at my houseand that was it.
I didn't let him come upstairsor anything.
Speaker 1 (26:56):
Thank goodness yeah.
Speaker 2 (26:57):
He wanted to hang out again, so we did make another
date.
But he's like this time I'mtaking care of you, blah, blah,
blah blah.
I was excited.
So I was like, coming back fromwork, like, like, so I already
picked out my outfit, like I wasready, and he sends me this
voice note and it was like ohhey, hey, babe, like I'm so I've
been sick, I'm so sick, likeI'm not gonna make it tonight.
Speaker 1 (27:16):
I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I was like you know what,
not the car I didn't even like,I was okay, whatever like it
happened.
Speaker 2 (27:22):
So I was like, hey, like listen, I'm so sorry, I
feel better, like if you needanything, I can make a great
soup, whatever.
If not, just let me know We'llreschedule.
My friends were in town.
I'm like, hey, I'm free now,let's go get some drinks at Soho
House.
It's like so no, who I had adate with, who was so sick that
(27:47):
he couldn't go on the date.
He's literally sitting thereand he looks at me and I could
tell he was like and I justwinked at him go and I was with
my gay friend who's verystraight, presenting and I was
like, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me,and so we love the gaze.
So he's like don't make me dothat again.
And then that was it.
And then, yeah, I was like butthat is so dating in LA, I feel
(28:09):
like.
So I'm terrified to get backout there and deal with, like
these doorknobs, and the word ofGordon Ramsay like that.
Speaker 1 (28:17):
Oh, that is horrific.
Speaker 2 (28:20):
Like one of the odds that if all the places in LA
decided to go party, you wentback to the scene of the crime A
where we had our first dateRight, not even thinking that
maybe I would be there, sinceyou can't set our date.
Speaker 1 (28:31):
Wait, but can I ask you what was the timeline?
Like you guys went on a dateand then when were you guys
supposed to go on this date?
It was like within a week.
Speaker 2 (28:38):
That's crazy.
And like he started DMing me alot like feel like, liked all my
stuff and like I'll never.
He even said, like I'll neverdisrespect you again.
I'd never do that to you again.
Speaker 1 (28:49):
I was like OK, you're like, yeah, you're never going
to do it to me again.
You never seen me again.
What's the saying?
Speaker 2 (28:53):
Like when someone shows you who they are.
Believe them, bro.
I believe you.
Speaker 1 (28:56):
I see you and he.
Speaker 2 (29:09):
Okay, that's a big red flag.
Okay, that's a huge red flag.
That's the top of the red flag.
But what is like a green flagfor you on a date?
I mean, I think, someone whoasks questions and doesn't just
talk about themselves the wholetime, I think that's actually a
big one, because it is hard tofind people out here who don't
just sit there and talk aboutthemselves the whole time.
Speaker 1 (29:22):
Yes, and when they ask about you and you're talking
, they're just like not reallylistening to you.
They're just kind of likewaiting for you to stop talk so
that they can stop talking.
You guys.
I need a speech therapist.
It's like TikTok.
But it's called TikTok, yes,and that is like so obnoxious
because you can always tell intheir eyes that they're just,
(29:44):
they're waiting for you tofinish so they can like say
something again, probably aboutthemselves.
Yes, um, you know what's funnya green flag for me is when I my
boyfriend, does this now, soit's like he's still a huge
green flag that I love.
But like going on, like pastdates or whatever, if I go to
the restaurant and they orderfor us, like the table, like
(30:08):
just that's a really sexy move,I love that.
And until this day, like withme and my boyfriend, most of the
time, I'm like do you just wantto order like some stuff, you
know?
And he's like yeah, and then Ijust close the menu and I push
it aside and I say I'll have anespresso martini with Casamigos
Repo please.
Actually, we don't really docasamigos anywhere, don julio
(30:31):
such a green flag.
Speaker 2 (30:32):
I do love that because I think you probably
were like this too at some pointwhere, like you're, you were
always used to one.
It's kind of having to like belike the one in control, or like
you know, or like makingdecisions, making decisions, and
it's so nice to like, as adecision maker, to not have to
anymore, unless he's like she'llhave a salad and then I'll have
, like I mean that's neverhappened to me before.
Speaker 1 (30:51):
Yeah, I was going to be like, I'd be like no, no, no,
you're having the salad.
You're having the salad.
Speaker 2 (30:59):
I'll have the ribeye and super sexy green flag.
Speaker 1 (31:02):
Right, I love that.
Take control baby Guys takenotes.
Speaker 2 (31:04):
There's probably going to get a better chance.
You're going to get lucky atthe end of the night, yes for
sure.
Also, never let a woman pay onthe first date or even the like.
I mean, listen, I'm all aboutequal opportunity here and I
think at some point in arelationship it's cool to go
Dutch or like.
Maybe the girl picks up the tabwhen you're like in a
relationship but like in adating phase, maybe it's old
school or whatever, but I thinkthe man you need to pick up that
(31:26):
damn check At least the firsttime, I mean especially the
first time.
I'd say, like until until likethe I think the third or fourth
date, maybe after sex, happens.
Speaker 1 (31:36):
Yeah, yeah.
So something needs to happen.
I feel like before, likesplitting the check, I mean you
went we're the prize over here,not you.
Speaker 2 (31:44):
Okay, you're the one who's gonna have to go home and
use your hand and go to sleep.
Speaker 1 (31:48):
Or you can maybe have a pretty girl in your bed.
Speaker 2 (31:50):
I don't know, but you're paying for this and
you're choosing.
Speaker 1 (31:54):
You choose when, when , when that bill comes, you're
making the choice for yourself.
You're making it for yourself.
Speaker 2 (31:59):
It sounds a little like prostitution, but it's not
what I'm saying here, Justsaying your shot goes up.
Oh my gosh, that's so funny.
Okay, so yeah.
So ics, you wanted to talkabout ics.
I get, it is a real.
It is a real thing.
The ic is so icky.
Speaker 1 (32:16):
And you can't.
Speaker 2 (32:17):
once you get the ic, you can't get rid of the ic and
I try hard to not be so like icjudgmental or like aggressive.
Like yeah, but judgmental.
Or like aggressive, like yeahbut yeah, but it's hard not to
yeah like I can't any sorry, menposting sexy photos in the
mirror.
Speaker 1 (32:35):
You can't do it, that's done ick, that is, that's
a, yeah, that's an.
It's very icky.
Um, I think this is the exampleI'm gonna give, because give,
because this is what happened tome.
But slurping in any meal, likethe example I'm going to give,
is cereal and it was like, andholding the spoon like this,
(33:00):
like a caveman.
And it was like and I'm likewhat, yeah, what, yeah, no, I
didn't even touch my food.
I was like, so grossed out, I'mjust ew, I still think about it
.
It makes my stomach sick likeit's gross, but just slurping
your food or smacking yeah,can't.
Speaker 2 (33:23):
My ex was a smacker when we first started dating and
gets it from his family.
They're all like that, no, andI was like I can't finish my
meal here and like I amdefinitely not going to have sex
with you because I cannot.
I mean he quickly stopped doingit, but like I could not stand
it.
Speaker 1 (33:36):
Thank goodness, at least he stopped doing it.
He stopped doing it.
Maybe he wasn wasn't aware.
Speaker 2 (33:41):
I grew up with a family whose table manners was
everything Like there was nosmacking, no slurping.
We had to eat pizza with aknife and a fork kind of family
Like it was like etiquette waseverything Yep so.
Speaker 1 (33:52):
I think.
Okay, one more X.
I just you made me think aboutit.
Wearing flip-flops doesn't haveto be investary flip-flops, but
it usually happens withflip-flops and people dragging
their feet on the floor whenthey walk in their flip-flops or
their sneakers.
I don't know if I've noticedthis one, just like just
(34:12):
dragging, no, no, it's like,instead of picking it all the
way up, they kind of like Like,kind of shuffle, they kind of
pick it up and then the heeldrags on the floor, drags on the
floor drags on and you're justlike oh my God, pick up your
feet.
Speaker 2 (34:24):
Like literally pick up your feet Like it's so, oh
God, now I'm nervous for aflip-flop around you.
Okay, I'll be more mindful ofthis now.
No, I've never heard you dothat, and don't get me wrong.
Speaker 1 (34:31):
If you're tired or like your slippers are in the
house, you want to just kind of,like you know, slide your feet
or whatever.
That's one thing, but not noamusement parks, Like when I go
with my sister, or likeDisneyland or whatever, and you
just see so many differentpeople around and I hear it and
that people are just like I'm,like you are ruining the bottom
of your shoes.
Speaker 2 (34:51):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (34:52):
Yeah, it's.
That's such an ick for me.
It's like nails on a chalkboardI'm like.
Speaker 2 (34:57):
Well, at least we know that your boyfriend now
doesn't slurp and he doesn'tdrag his feet so no, good job he
picks up them feet.
Um, what's a dating mistake thatwe wouldn't use again?
Make again a dating mistake,like for me?
I think I've learned my lessonwith my last two serious
(35:18):
boyfriends.
If they say they want, if beinga father and being a husband is
number one on their list, Iprobably shouldn't date them,
because I don't know if I havethose same things.
So I feel, instead of getting ayear and a half plus in with
somebody and then realizing itand then the pain is so much
harder and then you wastepeople's time.
So we're getting older.
Speaker 1 (35:42):
So people's timelines are.
I think that's a mistake.
I'm not going to make it again.
I think a mistake for meprobably that I would never do,
is not to allow someone to notlet me make my own choices.
And a lot of times I didn'trealize it was happening because
they're so good at likemanipulation.
So then I would turn into thisperson where I didn't really
(36:05):
have a mind, I didn't reallyhave a choice, I didn't really
have a brain, almost with thembecause whatever they said was
right, yeah, whatever they saidgoes, because if I didn't agree
with that it would be a hugefight, mostly just like our
arguments.
But like I have been in physicallike altercations over the
(36:25):
dumbest things before too, whereyou're like, wait what?
I allowed somebody to do thatto me, like I allowed you to
literally grab me by myshoulders and throw me on a
floor, like that's crazy, that'scrazy.
And I stayed.
I was still with this personprobably a year after, because
in my mind I always want to seethe good in people and I love
(36:46):
that about me.
It's.
But it's a blessing and a cursebecause I do give people a lot
of chances and I think as I getolder it is something I'm not
giving.
I'm not giving too many chancesanymore.
Like you said, you show yourtrue colors and like it's our
job to believe it, and if youdon't want to believe it, then
that's fine, but like you knowit, you feel it.
In here, we all feel what we'reactually feeling you know, so
(37:09):
yeah, oh, that's interesting.
I've never I haven't likethought about that, yeah the
other thing yeah yeah, just yeah.
Speaker 2 (37:18):
Relationships are so tricky they are and I feel like
I'm so relationship like dumbbecause, again, I just haven't
done them like at 34.
This is as far as seriousrelationships go.
This is probably my second one.
I'm not counting high school.
There was the guy I got engagedto 10 years ago and then, and
then this guy and I was likethere's a guy between those two,
(37:38):
but we were never like likesuper serious.
So, yeah, I just don't know.
I'm learning.
It's like I'm like I'm like aninfant, like learning how to
date again, yeah, and you will.
Speaker 1 (37:46):
Though, like, when you find somebody that takes
your anxiety down rather than,like, is always bringing it back
up, then you'll be able to knowthat, okay, I want to, yeah,
see what this is about you itback up.
Then you'll be able to knowthat, okay, I want to see what
this is about.
You know, you'll feel it.
You'll know Now, now you'vebeen into serious relationships
where you've been able to haveexamples of what you don't want.
(38:10):
And look, when we are older,the best thing about getting
older is that we just know, likeyou're just gonna know in the
next one.
I mean, I hope that myboyfriend and I are like, he is
my person.
Like, again, you never know.
Right, life can throwcurveballs, but I do feel like I
(38:30):
found somebody that's like mytruly my best friend.
We laugh so hard together, we.
He lets me cry, he lets me be abrat sometimes and just like
lets me be and doesn't like tryand start a fight about it.
You know, and it's like I feelvery comfortable in my own skin
and who I am- he just lets yoube you.
And he loves that about you.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (38:48):
He doesn't like.
Even I brought up Ozzy Osbourne, I think in the last episode,
because I've just been goingdown this rabbit hole with him
because he just had a farewellconcert, but with him, with
Sharon Osbourne, and I don'tfeel there's nothing.
I feel Ozzy Osbourne had to bethe hardest person to stay with
yes and um, but like I mean withall the drugs and alcohol, and
he tried to kill her once andlike he literally was cheating
(39:08):
on her like non-stop and like nomatter.
She's always stayed by his sideand I'm like she's always
allowed Ozzy to be Ozzy.
Speaker 1 (39:14):
Yeah, speaking of Ozzy speakingzy Speaking of Ozzy
Hi Ozzy, I always allowed himto be himself.
Speaker 2 (39:18):
I'm like that is like , that is, that is a, that's the
kind of love.
Speaker 1 (39:22):
Like.
Speaker 2 (39:22):
I know I'm not easy to love, I know I have a lot of
flaws and like I'm verybullheaded and I you know I
don't want to change anythingabout myself and although there
are probably some things Ishould grow with, but like and
you'll know, you'll figure thatout.
Speaker 1 (39:34):
When you're in a relationship that feels aligned
to you, you will say okay,because let's figure this out
together.
You know, instead of you haveto mold only one way you know
like you're supposed to bemolding together, like there's
there's things that both myboyfriend and I don't we're not
the same in at all, you know.
(39:55):
It's like, I mean like my timemanagement we've talked about
this is, you know, like he getsready in 10 minutes and I'm like
, no, no, no, I need like twohours, and not that I do crazy
things with my makeup and myhair, but it's like I'm a girl
and I just take your time.
Yeah, I need to take my timeMeanwhile, he's ready.
You know, at one one 55, he'slike kind of pacing.
(40:16):
We were making a joke Like hekind of like just like walks
around the house.
Speaker 2 (40:19):
He's like ready.
Speaker 1 (40:20):
I'm like can you just go sit on the couch, I'll be
ready.
Speaker 2 (40:23):
I swear Causing panic over here.
Speaker 1 (40:25):
I swear, but yeah, you'll know, and you'll know,
and you'll want to make those.
What's the word I'm looking for?
Compromise, yes, we're allsupposed to be compromising, but
as long as you're notcompromising who you truly are.
Other than that, there are somany things that we we even
compromise as a friendship, youknow, like there's so many
things that we're learning abouteach other every time we hang
(40:45):
out, and that's the same samegoes for a relationship with,
like a, a romantic partner youknow well.
Speaker 2 (40:53):
Anyway, thanks everyone for listening to me
talk about my shit, but that'senough feelings for today.
Oh wait, no, it's not, becausenow you have this quote you want
to talk about.
Yes, yes, I'll let you takethis.
Speaker 1 (41:06):
Yeah, let's talk about this quote.
I use Insight Timer, which isan app, and I use that for my
meditations.
I sometimes sleep and you dosleep meditations as well, not
just like rain, but actual likesleep meditations, which is
really cool.
I mean, you never make it pastfive minutes of the meditation,
(41:27):
but it's on when you're asleepstill.
But this was the quote thatcame today during my meditation
and it says think big thoughts,but relish small pleasures.
So let's break that down.
Okay, what is a small pleasure?
You underestimated untilrecently.
Speaker 2 (41:53):
Just alone, being alone, alone time.
I guess I never underestimatedit, but I feel like I just
haven't had a lot of it.
And so, as much as I've beenmourning this breakup and been
really sad and really miss him,miss the dog, I also have really
just enjoyed just like beingalone, mm-hmm.
Speaker 1 (42:10):
I love that.
I love being alone.
It's so crazy.
Speaker 2 (42:14):
I wonder if it's a Gemini thing.
Speaker 1 (42:15):
But no, I think a lot of people love their alone time
.
I think I have underestimatedlike sleep.
You know, I've never been likea napper, but I nap a lot more
these days.
And I realized I mean I knowhow important it is, but I
(42:36):
realized for me, wow, those naps, even if it's like in the
middle of the day, or even likebrunch nap or whatever power nap
, like 20 minute nap even, I'mlike, oh wow, that makes a whole
difference you know, I think,sleep I love, sleep I love sleep
it's like I literally like I'mlike sitting in my living room,
just like watching this the sunto set, set, set.
Speaker 2 (42:56):
I love sleep.
It's like I literally like I'mlike sitting in my living room,
just like watching this the sunto set set, set set.
Speaker 1 (42:59):
Bedtime eight o'clock .
We are in bed.
Don't text Kayla at 8.01because her phone is on, do not
disturb.
And I'm pushing the button likesend anyway, send anyway, send
anyway.
Speaker 2 (43:11):
Meanwhile, I'm like texting her at 5.45 am.
Like, what do you think aboutthis for today's post?
So we're on completelydifferent schedules.
No, I'm not going to hear fromher for five hours, but that's
okay.
Speaker 1 (43:22):
No, yeah, but there's yeah.
The best sleep is like when youcome back from being out of the
country and then you giveyourself that day and you're
just dead the whole day and Ican sleep like there's been days
where I've slept like 18 hoursReally and I shock myself, but I
feel so much better.
So I'm like whatever, it's sonice, it's fine.
Speaker 2 (43:41):
You know, it's fine.
I could never be a vampire.
Yeah, because I don't sleep.
I mean, I'd be a vampire.
Vampires, if you're out there,come bite me.
Speaker 1 (43:50):
Yeah, I was going to say I think we both could be
vampires Like the.
Speaker 2 (43:52):
Cullen kind or like the true blood kind.
Speaker 1 (43:54):
Yes, like the really sexy vampires.
Speaker 2 (43:55):
Yes, like the cool kind.
The cool kind Not the ones thatare like.
Speaker 1 (43:58):
I am legend.
Speaker 2 (43:59):
It's like the cool goth like vampire yeah, you're
very strong and super rich andhave a rocking body.
That's a tangent.
We'll talk about vampires inanother episode.
All right, how do you balanceambition with contentment?
What I've been dealing withlately because I think I was
talking about this the other dayabout how my identity is so
wrapped up into my career andwhat I do, and I've already.
(44:21):
I've done a lot so far, but Ifeel like it's still never
enough.
I'm never content and I'm likeeven thinking about, like now,
this transition.
Should I start doing morecontent like, or more like work
behind the camera, or like asmaller scale, or it's just like
.
It's hard to find that like,like when will I be content?
Or will I like climb the ranksand end up on, and end up on a
(44:41):
giant show on television andthen still not be content?
Right, so it's it's hard tokind of figure that one out yeah
it's.
Speaker 1 (44:47):
It's sort of that feeling of being grateful every
day, even though you may nothave all the things you want,
but there are things that we canbe grateful for every fricking
day you know, that we have.
Like we've said before, we havetwo legs.
We can get out of bed withoutany problem.
(45:08):
Um, you know, we have beautifulroofs over our heads, both of
us, which is so hard in thiscity.
I mean anywhere in the US, butlike here specifically.
But yeah, it's funny that yousay that, because whenever
someone asks me a question, I doalways, even if it's how are
(45:29):
you doing?
I'm like, oh yeah, it's likewell, work is.
You know?
I always use work first insteadof.
You've even caught me sometimeswhere you ask me a question, I
talk about work and you say,yeah, but take work out.
Would 13-year-old Vanessa wantto hang out with you without
this?
And I'm like, yeah, she would.
Like I am really cool, I reallydo love the person that I'm
(45:52):
becoming, and you're training meto not always put work is work.
Vanessa equals what she doesfor a living.
Speaker 2 (46:02):
I'm the same way, though it's so hard, because
that's something that we'vefought for for so long.
Speaker 1 (46:05):
It is our identity, and it's because we love it so
much.
You know, it's like my, I feellike my job.
Speaker 2 (46:10):
what we do, like you said, is our identity, Because
it's different than like someoneworking at the office crunching
numbers or they're not going tobe like oh yeah, like, how are
you?
Well, today I balanced threeyou know budgets when I I had
booked a Buick commercial thatwas national.
Speaker 1 (46:41):
It ran for three years.
It changed my life.
It was so much fun.
Um, there was four versions ofme in one car.
It was such a great commercialto, to, to do, Um.
But obviously you know it wasplaying all over, all over.
So my niece always saw it likewhen their commercials would
come on or whatever.
And one time she asked me likeauntie Nessa, when am I gonna
(47:05):
see you on tv again?
And it just, why did that hurtme so much, even though she's
not doing it maliciously?
the question you ask yourselfprobably every single day.
Speaker 2 (47:14):
She's like, like excited.
Speaker 1 (47:16):
She's like when am I seeing you on TV again?
And I'm like and even this, ourpodcast.
She watches it sometimes tooand knows about it, you know,
and the appropriate things thatshe can listen to, obviously, my
sister.
Uh-oh yeah, my sister andbrother-in-law, you know they'll
let her watch some clips, I'msure.
But even now she's so excitedabout this for us.
(47:39):
She goes to school and herteachers know about milk and
honey, you know.
So it's like it's, and wecarved that path for us, for her
.
You know what I mean.
It's very strange.
But yeah, I remember her askingme that and I kind of got sad
about it.
Yeah, I remember her asking methat and I kind of got sad about
(47:59):
it.
I remember bringing it up to mymom and I said dang, how did a
nine-year-old just make me feelthat?
right now you know, and I knowshe wasn't doing it- she wasn't
doing it out of spite, or meanat all, but yeah, so it's
realizing that there's so manymore beautiful things in the
world than just your career.
Yes, you know, and also it'slike you know, we have big
thoughts, we have big vision,big energy, all these things.
(48:21):
But those little pieces are theones like for you in this
breakup.
Those little pieces ofgratitude are going to help
reform and reshape that mold foryou.
That's just going to make you abetter version of yourself.
One can hope she's alwayspessimistic.
Do you see what I have to deal?
Speaker 2 (48:40):
with.
Alright, I think before we go,we do bring back.
We introduced it last week.
I think we do a honey jar.
Speaker 1 (48:48):
Do you want to go first?
Did you like that Honey jar?
No, no, it didn't happen thatpart.
I think that's going to be.
I think I'm going to bring backmy singing career.
She should, she can singeverybody.
No, she can she can sing.
Speaker 2 (49:01):
All right, this is our honey jar.
There's not actually honey init?
Speaker 1 (49:05):
Well, that would be messy.
Speaker 2 (49:06):
Could you imagine just like all right, this one.
I think this is a repeat one.
Yeah, oh, is it Okay?
Speaker 1 (49:18):
I think I forgot to take them out.
We have to remember to takethem out here.
You want to go first?
Sure, I get so nervous.
Speaker 2 (49:20):
I don't know what to say.
I don't know these questions.
Speaker 1 (49:22):
you know, oh, you're given $10,000 but have to blow
it stupidly in 24 hours.
What do you do?
God, that's easy.
Speaker 2 (49:32):
Oh my God, I probably would rent the biggest yacht
that we could and, Marina DelRey, get all of my friends stock
it with, like a food booze, aDJ I think that's 10 grand right
there.
Speaker 1 (49:47):
That's 10 grand, and I agree with her.
I agree with her, and thenafterwards we would still have a
little bit left over for somereason, and we would just do a
twirl and we ho, because that'swhat we do Exactly.
Speaker 2 (49:53):
Well, we get.
We get the table and bottleservice.
We would like do the upper.
Speaker 1 (49:57):
Yeah, that was an easy one.
Speaker 2 (49:59):
That was fun, that was too easy.
Speaker 1 (50:01):
Also like Universe.
Did you hear that?
Yeah?
Because, this is what we want,okay.
Speaker 2 (50:06):
If there happens to be a random sack sitting outside
as we walk to our car full ofmoney, we would appreciate it.
Speaker 1 (50:11):
We'll take it.
We'll take it.
We will take it.
We'll look and see if itbelongs anywhere.
First because we're respectful,but I'm taking that no Finders
keepers.
Speaker 2 (50:21):
We've known that since we were kids Losers
weepers Okay.
Who's the last person you mutedand why I will say here's
something I did do.
Speaker 1 (50:32):
I'm going to sit for that one.
Speaker 2 (50:34):
So when I left my job because I muted everybody, like
most people I worked with,because it was hard for me to
like see it, like a lot of themprobably think I'm like mad at
them because I don't ever likeor interact with their stories.
But like it's too hard for meto see like the person who's now
doing my job.
Speaker 1 (50:50):
Although I love her.
Speaker 2 (50:51):
But like that's probably like the last people
I've actually muted, yeah, thatI that I will say on camera
there's been some I'll.
Speaker 1 (51:06):
I'll always like mute somebody If, if I feel like
their stories are like draining,yeah, I'll always mute.
Yeah, cause I don't want to seethat like I like when people
put like you know, um, I lovewhen people put like quotes and
all the things like, but notwhen they're like, but when it's
when it's a little intense.
(51:28):
I just it makes me like feelsad for them too, because, like
I, I'm just like damn why.
Speaker 2 (51:36):
You know, if you, you have a social media to post how
you're feeling in a negativeway.
I feel like that's just not theplace for it.
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (51:43):
But I mean, anyone can post whatever they want.
I'm just saying it's just yeah,I guess like that.
Speaker 2 (51:48):
Sometimes I'm like, oh yeah, yeah, someone's seeing
it and like you're having a goodday and then you come across
their post and it's like, ohwell, that just ruined my mood,
yeah.
Speaker 1 (51:56):
No need for that.
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (51:58):
Yeah, all right.
Well, there you go.
It's not another episode ofmilk and honey.
This one was fun and it let meget a little vulnerable and I
did a couple of breaths earlier.
Speaker 1 (52:07):
So I appreciate you sharing that.
Of course, we know that that'shard and um, I hope that you can
like feel everyone I'm surewill be giving you lots of
positive energy towards, thankyou, this new chapter that you
get to start and, uh, you guys,you know, you already know what
I'm gonna say I just feel herstaring at me.
Speaker 2 (52:28):
I can't wait.
I'm gonna do a compilationvideo after like a few more
episodes.
Put all these together.
Speaker 1 (52:33):
let me see what can I .
How can I end it like a littledifferently?
Okay, don't forget, if you everneed a good cup of tea, you got
the right ingredients righthere.
Oh, I like that one that was sosmooth.
Speaker 2 (52:49):
That was smooth.
Oh my God, I don't know.
Speaker 1 (52:51):
I don't know.
Oh my God, she's gettingcomfortable behind the mic,
careful.
Speaker 2 (52:57):
Thanks all of you for watching, as always.
Speaker 1 (53:00):
See you next time.
Yes, bye, bye.
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